#im not even in my clinical years and im so. fucking. tired

[kindred-spirit-93]

brought to you by: ruining my health to save yours.

Will solace is the kind of guy to tell you to get 8 hours of sleep, say that mental health is important, and how you should eat 3 meals a day and then pull all nighters, neglect his mental being, and forget to eat because he uses all his time to take care of other people

[kyuala]

SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything

[coldflasher]

me every day begging ppl on facebook to listen to their actual vet and not someone on the internet who has zero qualifications whatsoever

[galaxywarp]

It's the anon from a while ago who was going through opioid withdrawal.

I went to a pain management clinic and they basically told me my withdrawal symptoms aren't real and I should see a psychologist. They won't help me taper. That an addiction center wouldn't help because I'm not really addicted. Then why do I feel so sick when I try to reduce my dosage? Why do I have all the textbook symptoms of withdrawal? I can't stop cold turkey and I can't be sick all the time cause I have a full time job.

He said the opioids would be out of my system in a week, is that true? I don't know if I can get through a week of feeling like this. I've been on these meds for over a year, it just doesn't feel safe.

He also told me I just have to deal with my chronic pain and there's nothing they can do. It took weeks to see this specialist and he basically told me to go fuck myself.

I ended up breaking down in the appointment and he just had me leave.

I'm so tired and frustrated and I hate feeling like this.

Anon im so sorry. Thats so fucking shitty

I swear it’s fucking like — all he did was set you up for fucking failure.

He’s telling you to ignore your own warning signs until they get bad enough for him to acknowledge. By then you might be desperate enough that you go to street drugs or your withdrawal might need medical assistance. It happens a lot to pain patients whose doctors fuck them over. By the time they validate your problem their solution is now to just cut you off and leave you with no legal options for your pain. It’s an extremely common reason that people end up on heroin.

He’s encouraging you to pretend that the problem isn’t starting and setting you up to keep digging yourself deeper. But of course they’ll say it’s YOUR fault if your pain drives you to do something dangerous.

Ugh. Okay. Listen.

The opiates may very well be out of your system in a week. And i want to assure you that opiate withdrawal, while extremely painful, is not technically dangerous. Not like alcohol or benzodiazepines where you can hallucinate and have seizures. You won’t be in any danger. Just extreme discomfort (as im sure you’ve tasted already)

But if you continue to feel pain after that, and you very well might, i wanna tell you it’s real and valid. Even if doctors try to do the “it’s only in your head” thing.

Cuz you know what. It WILL be in your head. Your body’s pain receptors are going to feel raw and fragile. I was clean from fentanyl for months before my chronic pain truly eased. It’s like your body has to learn how to tolerate pain again and people don’t respect how miserable and painful that process is. You’re brave and strong for facing it.

I’m a little sleep deprived and im not sure what else advice i can offer atm but you’re on my mind anon. Please drop in my inbox again whenever you need.

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[partangel]

Hiii! What have you been up to now that you're done with college? I'm starting my last year in september and already feeling suuper nostalgic

hello! we have an obligatory one year professional internship for clinical practice in pt that we have to look for autonomously so im currently building up my resume and contacting entities that id like to work with (in my case foster care homes and associations that intervene with neurodevelopmental or functional diversity in childhood/adolescence). i loathe the concept of clinical work thats not accessible and i trace my practice towards community so im also trying to contact local orgs that provide therapy work (individual or group) for people who struggle financially and cannot afford it other way.

not really interesting but thats what ive been up 😶. last year of masters in clinical psych for me was especially tiring because we juggle internship w/ thesis (in pt's others master programs normally you either choose to write a thesis or to intern, i dont know if it's the same internationally, but i really struggled combining everything with my part time job) so i didnt get to feel nostalgic. im also preparing my admission to the phd program next year and i never feel like i stray away from academia too long to feel sad about it! i literally have to go back in september because i have an oral communication in an international congress to prepare with my professor and colleagues for october.

besides getting-a-job and academia related stuff, ive been @ the studio making ceramic pieces to sell locally! will post about them when i have the batches done. im also really invested on learning more about linoprinting. im waiting for response to a volunteering opportunity with people who are in the justice system and people who have been released but are alone and need a friend to grab coffee with. ive quit antidepressants (thank you all for your help once again). i havent been reading enough nor doing enough for myself but its a little-by-litte process. burnout fucks you up

i hope you get to enjoy your last year, friend. but also mentally prepare for how lost you feel after finishing a degree because.............. im not gonna even tell you anything. its the blackest hole. on an happier note you can always make learning / teaching your job.. you know 😉

[the-fallen-collective]

I love when most my life is a fucking lie!!

I love when i realize things and now shit makes sense cus of course every part of my life has to be rooted in trauma and negativity!!!

Of course both my parents have to be abusive!! I dont actually have a good parent! One just hides it so well it took me fucking forever to realize and now that i have, a lot of shit makes sense

Oh and of course my several year long want to be a clinical psychologist is just rooted in the fact that ive been playing therapist for years! Since the age of 10 at the least, as far as i remember! Im realizing i probably actually wouldnt do well in that job! It was just more someting i felt like i had to do because what other use do i have than to just be everyones fucking child therapist??? Mostly looking at my adult family right now!

I feel so fucking fantastic that my life is just falling apart all around me and i dont know how to pick it up because i dont know where to start! I may not have been able to be fully functional ever but damn im realizing im way fucking less functional thanks to years of fucking neglect but hey! Of course its all my fault i dont know how to fuckjng function!! BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS MY FUCKING FAULT!!!

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I AM SUCH A GODDAMN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU YOU JUST SHOULDNT HAVE HAD ME

I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING

oh but i cant be!

I forgot!

I have to earn the privilege to even be sick anymore!

Im sick all the fucking time, which is an inconvenience for you, and since the doctors couldnt find anything out of the 5-6 (as in not enough) tests done, then clearly its all my fault and i just choose to be this way!! The same way i choose to be depressed and “ptsd-like” and all this shit!!!

I am so sorry that your sickly child, who has had health issues since birth, has become such an inconvenience on your life, you have to take away its privilege to be sick

Oh but the moment any of you are i gotta help! Im forced to do shit and to go to school and go do things with yall when im sick, but the moment yall are i have to help and do everything for you!! Do it your goddamn self like you make me!

I hate this. I hate it. I hate the constant “youre so addicted to your phone” or “your only issue is how long you can be on your phone” or “there are people who would love live to the life you complain about so much” and this and that SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DO NOT KNOW THE GODDAMN SUFFERING I HAVE TO ENDURE! ALL THE SHIT IVE BEEN THROUGH AND HAVE TO CARRY IN FUCKING SILENCE OR SO HELP MY PARENTS I AM THE WORST PERSON ALIVE

my parents werent ready to be parents. And they still arent

I am suffering. I am only ever suffering.

[weebsinstash]

the overturning of Roe v Wade happened and pregnancy felt disgusting and a physical threat to be defeated

I felt that. I an asexual person with zero intention of getting married or having a baby but seeing Roe v Wade, I just... feel the need to have my tubes tied? Which should not even be a thing I consider since I have no plans to have sex. Those radical religious/misogynisitc views that are popping up nowadays just make me feel very disgusted at things that are... Really not horrible. Nothing wrong about being a housewife, or getting pregnant, but the way those incels with a mic talk about women in their podcasts just create very unhealthy relationships between women and "womanhood"/traditionally feminine things.

What's so fucked up is like the exact same people saying shit like "oh these gross LGBTQRSTUV alphabet mafia freaks are trying to groom and molest our kids! How dare they try to say kids need to learn about safe sex and periods and not to send nudes or address sex in any way other than abstinence!" will then turn around say "wow, asexuals? How UNNATURAL. You aren't PROCREATING like GOD INTENDED. You're ALSO somehow grooming our kids" and it's just like. Fuck. Leave people alone about their fucking sexuality and gender presentation.

And then sometimes I try to discuss this with my mom because like we discuss politics a lot and she's, you know, a woman and has raised me and ill seek her perspective as my mom and a woman and an adult, and sometimes she'll just be "oh don't read all that, youre getting upset over trolls, people are just stupid" ok well these stupid people can VOTE and sometimes these stupid people ARE the ones we're voting for!!! Like! I'm so tired of seeing bullshit like Americans saying "haha good on Country XYZ for making it legal to beat those t slurs in public, this is just MODERN WESTERN PROPAGANDA" and I want to scream shit like "India has recognized trans people for over 3000 years you fucking bigoted moron"

Like!!! Ugh!! Should I be furious or sad!!! (Putting the rest under a rm because this gets a little long and I also discuss abortion/miscarriage)

Fucking idiots saying shit like "oh just use birth control there's like 30 kinds" and guess what motherfucker literally the only 100% effective ones involve SURGERY. Even my OWN MOTHER got pregnant on a diaphragm. Fuck you! Fuck you! You think abortions are being used as birth control? I know at least two people who've had them and they can be ABSOLUTELY EXCRUCIATING, I am talking SCREAMING TO STOP THE PROCEDURE KINDS OF PAIN. "Oh women just want to avoid accountability" bitch some of them don't want to DIE, some of them can't raise a disabled child, some of them have diseases and conditions that can't be passed on

I... may have had some risky sex a while back with, minor precautions, ok I'll be the dumb irresponsible slut and say the pull out method was used, and while nothing came of that, obviously, literally my game plan after it happened and post nut clarity hit was "ok well I know if I need an abortion there are people who literally terrorize you outside the clinics so maybe I'll just kill myself". And you know what, I wasn't even intending to do that kind of thing, the unsafe sex, it was just, you know, happened fast and in the heat of the moment, and it happened briefly. Even I, as someone who has never wanted children and FEARED motherhood all my life, made that kind of mistake. And I spent the following three weeks in absolute TERROR waiting for my period, thinking of all the people who would happily force me to carry a child that would no doubt inherit my physical disability, my genetic disorders, and wouldn't be wanted by me or the father (and im not saying that as anything against him we are both very anti kid lol)

It's so upsetting because like, people have different opinions, and in some cases can you really say if an opinion is right or wrong? But so often do I see things that are inhumane, grotesque even. I was reading a story of a woman who was forced to carry a malformed fetus to a full pregnancy where it passed that same day. Here you have a woman who was forced to deliver what was essentially a corpse, the trauma that must have caused her, not just in mind but also in body. 9 months, 9 months of knowing it was being born just to die. And. People were legitimately replying "better that than to be ripped limb from limb inside the womb" that's a specific form of third trimester abortion which wasn't even what she was asking for you fucking idiot. "Better for the baby to know its mother's touch" it literally didn't have a properly formed brain and we don't even know if it could have even SENSED anything besides agony. "I would have wanted to hold my baby before it passed" you would have let a fetus which had abnormalities discovered in the first trimester to fully develop into a child so it could die in horrible pain just for your moral closure?

I read a comment just a few days ago that was legitimately one of the most disgusting things I had ever read and dear God I hope this person was lying but they said "I know a catholic woman who was pregnant and found out her baby would be born terminal and die shortly after birth. She carried it the full pregnancy so she could baptize it" THAT'S ABHORRENT. For you non religious folk, which I am too but I have some secondhand knowledge, the point of baptism is the idea that we are all born into sin and must be like cleansed to be children of God or something like that. And to be blunt I consider this woman an absolute monster and I replied as such.

"She let a newborn baby suffer in agony just so she could dip it in her magic fairy water? And she thinks she's the GOOD GUY?"

It's just. Ugh. I don't even know. I use culture and country as an excuse for religious freedom and sexual and gender expression (ie. Banning trans people from being visible is prejudiced to Indians, Native Americans, Samoans, Judaism, etc) but then people turn around and say "but it's my culture or religion to be homophobic/not allow abortion" and then I just want to say "well you're just an idiot who can't think for themselves then and you need to get with the fucking times :)" like obviously I am not perfect but I believe basic human rights transcends borders and beliefs. Like for example, similar but different, Malaysia is about to literally hang a man just for having a kilo of weed and people are happily saying "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" and its like do you understand it's inherently problematic to just say "their country, their rules" right. Like some places use that as an excuse to keep forms of slavery. Like to circle the argument back around states rights was an argument to try and keep slavery and now states rights is being used as an argument to criminalize abortion?

Like I try not to bring the vibe here down too often but these conversations are important. We as human beings should be helping and protecting each other and I feel a legitimate fear of society approaching some sort of social collapse or civil war. Like even if you're opposed to abortion you should actually still be voting in favor of keeping abortion because, if abortion is outlawed on moral and religious grounds, it will start the ball rolling for banning other medical procedures out of opinion and not fact. You know we already let the insurance companies do that right? Tell people their life savinf treatment isn't covered because they don't deem it medically necessary even though insurance agents arent doctors? Even on my main blog I boosted a post about a person with severe endometriosis who is being denied a hysterectomy because of their weight by the NHS but a private clinic will save them for a price, and meanwhile the endo is impacting organs outside their reproductive system

It's just. God. I'm sorry I guess I went all over the place in this post but everything is so scary now. Transphobia is on the rise, homophobia, racism, gun violence, they keep finding horrible child labor shit like 15 year olds cleaning slaughterhouses, even in my current blue state, red senators are arguing we should let young teens do construction, they're changing legislation on healthcare, on the internet, on student loans, inflation is HUGE NOW, rent is skyrocketing, homelessness is rising, just

It can be hard to keep your head up you know? I try not to be a doom and gloomer but there's legitimately scary shit happening? Like I didn't even touch on climate change and how all of these issues are going to intersect and snowball until our entire species is fucked. I know what I'm voting in 2024 but, it doesn't make anything less terrifying. If we weren't protected before, if we still really aren't now, can we really trust it to happen in the future?

[compassionatereminders]

I have GAD, clinical depression, and panic disorder. Im also pregnant and my psychiatrist has been telling me since before I was pregnant that he will not let me take Zoloft past 20 weeks “it’s too dangerous for the fetus” well im at 19 weeks, just lowered the dosage for the first time and had my first panic disorder episode in years. My OBGYN has told me she’s completely fine with me taking Zoloft the whole pregnancy and the “fears” this guy has been yelling about are rare and that my health actually needs to come before the fetus’s since my health literally directly affects the fetus. So I put my fucking foot down today and sent him a message not asking, but telling him I will not be stopping Zoloft. I may have to quickly get a new psychiatrist if he decides his campaign against psych medications (which…is a major part of his job but ok) is more important than my mental and yes PHYSICAL well-being (brain fog, eye strain, fatigue and headache today made me unable to do any of my work for my job or even basic functions to care for myself like bathing or brushing my teeth) is less important than the fetus which would not grow at all without me, but I’ve just had enough. It’s going to be a bitch and a half to find a new psychiatrist and start all over again with someone but I can’t take him anymore. I’m in the U.S. btw. I just can’t stand people who stigmatize and demonize mental and emotional illness as somehow optional for treatment because of “ooo scary drugs are bad” mentality even when they WORK IN PSYCHIATRY AND HAVE ACCESS TO THE ACTUAL, PRESENT DAY DATA SHOWING HOW MEDICATIONS WORK. It should be the person’s choice what their treatment is and how they pursue it, medication or not. My womb doesn’t make me a second class citizen either and I’m so tired of that mentality as well. Sorry I just really needed to rant and felt like you’d understand where I was coming from on this. Ugh. Anyway, I am wishing you all the best in your recovery from your recent traumas and continued contentment, peace, and happiness!

I fully support you. In the end it should be up to you whether to go off a medication, pregnant or not. He can make suggestions and have his opinions, but you should have the final say. And if he's not letting you decide, you're in your full right to go see someone else. Especially if there's not even medical consensus that the med might actually harm the fetus.

[dspdick]

hello everyone. i hope you have some snacks on you because i have yet another thing to rant about. fortunately it isn’t about the bunch of idiots i have the misfortune of calling classmates, instead it’s the cursed place where i chose to continue my education. let’s yell about university.

for starters, i would like to point out that this is an expensive university. like. 900€/month expensive. i get to pay almost half of it because i have a discount due to my high school grades, but you have to keep it up during your stay in college and once it’s taken away you can’t ask for it again.

given the exorbitant price every single of its students is paying, you would think that my class would be in a decent building. wrong. we’re in a prefabricated shitty three-story building in the other side of campus from our labs. because medicine students have their own simulation clinics and the business students get a bajillion brick buildings but fuck the genetics kids amiright?

speaking of labs. the installations are cool and all but the materials need a serious upgrade. I CANT DO A PROPER GEL ELECTROPHORESIS IF THE MICROPIPETTE DOES THE EQUIVALENT OF A DRIVING NEWBIE WITH A MANUAL CAR. also the ph-meters are the bane of my existence and me the bane of theirs.

also. the lab practices are four hours long. which wouldn’t be too bad if they didn’t make us start them at three or four pm when we’ve been in classes from eight or ten am. yes i spend close to twelve hours on campus on lab weeks yes they also pretend that we have time to study.

BY THE WAY. OH MY GOD. studying. i know it’s necessary. but i have EIGHT SUBJECTS THIS SEMESTER. EIGHT. students in other universities have less subjects per year. one of them is a lab subject and we have a fuckin. oral and practical exam. ITS A LAB SUBJECT?? WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THE PROCEDURES AND WHY EVERYTHING IS DONE PLUS DO A NiCE LaB nOTeBoOk. SUCK MY DICK.

that and the fact that i not only have science subjects but also philosophy, communication and fucking BUSINESS. yes they’re useful but i frankly haven’t seen a subject with a worse organization than my philosophy class. and on top of that my business teacher just keeps sending projects and questions. maam your class is worth three credits. be grateful i do an effort to get out of bed and spend two and a half bitchass hours to listen to you yap about ip and business life cycles at eight thirty in the morning on a friday.

and now that i mention this, i still can’t believe we’ll have to do 50 mandatory hours of volunteer work next year. yay for volunteer work, i’ve done before and it’s amazing. but you can’t expect someone who spends 10+ hours in college regularly to do the same amount of time as people who only have 3 to 4 hours of class per day.

the worst part of all is the fact that our degree supervisor just expects us to act like phd students or some shit. she literally told to the class presidents that “we can’t expect to have compromises and extracurriculars outside of university. we have to focus on our college life”. this is our first year. i don’t even want to think about how we’ll be treated from now on.

and i guess this is why im so scared. i like genetics. love it, even, when applied to things i enjoy and not a clinical environment. but i want to live my life and be able to truly rest and enjoy and not want to kill myself constantly over the amount of workload that we have to deal with.

i don’t know if i’m going to drop out or keep going but all my options are bleak. either i continue and somehow survive college enough time to get my degree without having killed myself, or i drop out. and from there i have more options. a) immediately switching to a different college and/or undergrad, b) taking an off year and changing my undergrad.

i don’t even know what i’m going to do. i’m exhausted on all the levels a human can be tired and i have no idea if i have it in me to keep going or just take the easy out.

[butchviking]

can i say something. smthn mentally ill :) thanks. i dont know how to do a readmore on mobile sry :3

i spend a lot of time going back and forth on chest dysphoria and what uhh. Options. i would like to take or not take abt that. and in the end i always decide well this is my body and it is what it is and mental illness is tough but it happens and i know how to deal w it and i will always have ups and downs but my body is my body and i shouldnt hurt it just for existing. weirdest thing abt it is i spend so much time hating it but it never says a bad word about me, it's not perfect but it's mine, etc. and then as SOON as i go to a concert its like. no literally my life would be so much easier and im so so tired i just dont want to wear bras i dont want to wear binders i want to move and breathe freely i don't want things to move i don't want to worry about whats exposed u cant wear smthn loose enough to not constrict at all while still keeping things in place which by definition requires constriction. i wanna just BE. nd sometimes i think i am just wasting years that i could b spending feeling. free. choosing to NOT do that because ???. because why? can't remember. but i d. i don. i ddont wanna kill time like it doesnt matter. do u understand. i dont wanna kill time like it doesnt matter!! waited long enough to be this way!!! [s]he cant change for love [s]he explains how long [s]hes waited for [s]he wanted more. or whatever. u know. ps im also scared/resentful of going the gender clinic again cause they were fucking evil to me last time and theyre kinda evil in general and ohhhh i dont want 2 be involved with u people i do NOT want 2 be associated with. anything. but by god. i want 2 feel free. whys everything so stupid and weird whys everything such a big deal. i love 2 b dramatic about shit that does not even matter to most ppl i love to have a 7-year crisis just for the hell of it <3 someone just fucking knock me out and give me surgery dont even bother waiting for me to give the ok just do it im tired im tired im tired i feel like im always fighting but i dont even know what im fighting or why. sorry <3 i have 2 get this shit out sometimes <3 there are poisons in my brain i think. and i would never punish anyone to live like this it is your choice alone i would never punish anyone to live like this it is your choice alone i would never punish anyone to live like this it is your choice alone. whatever. 🫠

[revasserium]

but in the meantime, i love love love childhood friends to lovers too <3 all the best with the zoro fic! -- @anonymilk

i love how in the previous reply of my ask you said you don't have the energy to write and your new zoro fic is estimated to be hella long. go girl, give us your blood, sweat, and tears <3 (im saying all these with a sincere and endearing tone XD). how is the progress of that fic? you said that you normally write without much planning, and you seldom do drafts (iirc), but is it the same for long fics? how do you handle longer fics? what sparked the idea?? also don't forget to drink water and take breaks! also, dw abt not having "that girl" tips for dealing with stress. i also have a few bad habits up my sleeve, although thankfully it has been sort of controlled and i hopefully won't spiral again XD

LMFAO LAWD go on -- expOSE me some more why dont u HAHAH. no but in all honesty, i think it was a combo of me feeling super inspired by opla, opla fandom being fucking HYPER active right now, and actually (!!!) me forcing myself to read like actual books that i enjoy reading!

i always forget (for some stupid reason) that nothing inspires me to write like reading does. and you'd that after almost 20 years of reading and writing voraciously, i'd have learned that by now but alas, here we are -- every single fucking time.

it's like pms-ing, and then realizing when u get ur period that u were feeling genocidal bc of pms... and just like living through that cycle every month. whomph.

and yes, you're right -- i do write with zero plan. i still write with zero plan. but the its like... hm. how do i say this without sounding absolutely unhinged and literally clinically insane --

whenever i feel inspired to write down a story, i'll hear/see/feel the first few lines in my head, like literally word for word, the sentences will just... unfurl inside my brain. and i'll get this like vague, misty impression of how the story might go. now IF at this point in time, i'm in a place where i can write down the first few lines and "pin down" the start of the story, then it's safe. it's home free. think of it like... tendrils of silk on a high wind -- if i manage to catch the end of one and pin it down, the rest of the string might still flutter in the wind, but there's much less chance of it just flying away.

now if i DONT manage to get those first few lines pinned down to a word doc or a notion page or like... the back of a grocery store receipt, then the story simply flies off, towards another willing creative who might have the time and energy to pin it down instead. it's happened plenty where the start of stories will come to me when im in bed or riding the subway or whatever, and i'm too tired or there's no service or whatever -- and i decide to let that story go. but literally it'll just flitter through me and then by the time i sit down somewhere i can actually write, i'll have forgotten the whole thing.

but after i've got the beginning down, there's a high chance that while i'm writing the beginning, i'll get some idea of how i want it to end (this isn't always the case; a lot of times the end won't come to me till i'm solidly halfway through). so i'll like write down roughly how the story wants to end, and from there, i have to do the legwork of filling in the middle -- aka GETTING from the beginning to the end.

and truthfully, i still don't plan. i have no idea how most of the story will go. but i like to think of the story as it's own kind of living thing as opposed to it coming from like... inside me. so i trust it like it's a living thing too, i trust that if i write down the beginning and then as much as i can of it, it'll stay put where it's supposed to be till i have time to come back to it. and so far, that's what's worked for me.

this is the case even for my "longer" fics, and i think the longest i've written on this blog is like... 4/5k, but in my personal "archives" of fics i've just written for myself (there's a kakashi fic, a criminal minds spencer reid fic, and an inuyasha fic, that are all like 50k+ words each, and unfinished), this is still the case. i just write what comes to me, and trust that if a story wants to and is meant to be told by me, it'll stay put for as long as i need it to till i can find the time and energy to take care of it and write it down.

there's no advanced planning, no like... outlines or anything. i still just sit down and write.

before, back when i didn't have to get up at 8am to work a big girl job, i would just tough it out and stay up all night writing till i was done with the story or it was done with me or i got too delusional to keep on writing. but now, as long as i've got a decent start penned down, i can kinda close out the fic whenever i want to, and then come back to it later.

and thank you for reminding me to drink water!!! it's highly necessary haha. AND YES I LOVE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS BRO. i can't wait till this fic is finished <3 now this answer got WAYYY fucking long but i hope you enjoyed reading my answer regardless.

[transrightsjimin]

yeah my thoughts summed up.

the way so many dumbfucks somehow concluded that the massive amount of worldwide labour shortages since this pandemic started, are due to "people not wanting to work anymore" is mindblowing. you absolute fucking IDIOT?? there are millions upon millions of people with Long Covid, consecutive other illnesses and disabilities, or are dead. i hate work too but how do you conclude that people just happen to simultaneously quit their jobs for fun en masse as if that's even financially possible to do.

we're still in a fucking pandemic and it's only easier to get infected now than before.

the way covid-19 and migitation strategies are rarely even being named by leftists is infuriating. do you know how fucked up it is i had to follow more liberals for info on the pandemic bc way too few so-called leftists stopped caring ab covid within a few months?

and don't get me started on this shithole the Netherlands bc the lack of safety measures and the amount of disinformation has from the start been worse than the most conservative US states, or Alberta in Canada, which i saw often being brought up. i'll never be over when a lot of people from the arts and culture field protested en masse in 2020 against covid measures.

we were told here by our lovely supposedly "expert" (anti-mask and anti-vax) healthcare policy advisors that getting infected is good, especially for kids, that we can't get covid when sitting on a CHAIR, that xyz things without any measures is safe, that you are immune if you got it in the past, that masks don't work, and that if they do it's not the FFP2 (N95) ones somehow.

RIVM kept changing the standards for what are 'safe' levels even though it would've been code red or black if non-adjusted. also various hospitals were forbidden from using face masks and since over a year (for future readers: it's may 2023 rn), infected staff was allowed to work. i was actually jealous in some ways of the US bc i read how medical professionals and shop staff etc actually asked people to keep their mask ON. i've only been asked or pressured by therapists, doctors, nurses, etc to take my mask OFF and they even got pissed bc i asked them to wear one.

also if i get infected i'm really screwed bc there is no paxlovid and there are no long covid clinics in the country. they plan on opening only ONE next year, while in germany there's dozens with each still 9 months of waiting lists bc the demand is high.

my immunocompromised and disabled mom doesn't fucking get it even though she clearly got covid several times with horrible lasting side effects, and my sad doesn't fucking get how testing works and they both believe they're always being safe even though they dont wear masks or she does but takes it off inside somehow.

i went off topic but im just fucking TIRED of how few fucking leftists and people as a whole actually give a fuck abt the pandemic. there is still a 1/5-1/10 chance of getting Long Covid with every infection and there are whole generations growing up with more disability and death than before. you can't fucking go anywhere safely bc ventilation and masking wasn't made a common thing to demand. me and others who advocate for safety measures are being painted off by other leftists as delusional or as liberals or even as "calvinist" which is hilariously false bc my country's culture is the prime example of that and does absolutely nothing ab the pandemic. like YEAH i would love to go to more protests again but it's just not fucking safe with public transport and huge crowds and no one masking up. you can say all you want ab eugenics and capitalism and whatnot but if you don't wear masks and pretend the pandemic is over (strange also bc you know governments ignore every other crisis) and just want the disabled ppl who do stay aware, to stay inside and rot while you can keep making society more unsafe, you're part of the problem.

god and same w LGBT activism. i don't fucking care what you say, if you're anti-mask and carelessly contribute to maskless superspreader events and don't include disabled people, you are just as uncaring as people were about the AIDS crisis.

i'll end my rant here. feel free to share but if anyone argues back youre getting blocked. im fucking tired and i don't know who to trust anymore besides like 3 friends and a few kpop fan mutuals online who also still care ab the pandemic.

[lostonehero]

This is a dumb weird idea, but hear me out

So snakes turtles and lizards have the ability to retain sperm for years at a time so what if Ariana did this and didn't realize so she is currently 3 months pregnant and unaware but moody as he'll due to hormones and it comes to head with Lance and mewtwo

"I am going to Sinnoh, I am going to see my mother, and I will not be treated this way anymore." Ariana huffs

Giovanni tries to comfort her and fails as mewtwo ribs at her

Ariana can't keep her Temper in check and releases a dragon breath at mewtwo, which reflects back at her burning her hair off, revealing her antenna

Mewtwo and Lance are stunned

Lance pauses. "Flygon antenna, you did experiments on yourself, and that was a dragon breath."

Ariana snaps as her binder rips, and her wings are on full display. "Listen here, you dragon piss baby. I was born a half pokemon. My mother is the alpha flygon, and I will not sit here and listen to you insult me or my mother."

Giovanni pulls Lance back so he isn't hit by a flamethrower.

Lance mumbles. "You still have juvenile markings."

"BECAUSE IM STILL FUCKING GROWING AND IT FUCKING HURTS YOU CUNT, HALF POKEMON DRAGONS HAVE A SECOND GROWTH SPURT THEY ARE THE SLOWEST TO GROW." She shouts turning her attention to Mewtwo. "AND LETS NOT FORGET YOU FUCKED UP I AM FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF LYING TO MY MOTHER ABOUT MY SON YOU FUCKING TOO MY BABY AWAY FROM ME AND I HAVE HAD THE DECENCY TO NOT TEAR YOU LIMB BY LIMB. YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL REASON YOU WERE CREATED BECAUSE NEW ASKED US TO MAKE YOU AND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN UNGRATEFUL LITTKE FUCK IF YOU HATE YOURSELF SO MUCH FUCKING KILL YOURSELF OR I WILL DO IT FOR YOU."

Something clicks in Giovanni mind. "Oh... oh no."

Ariana lunges at Mewtwo landing a dragon claw that leaves a gash on his abdomen. "Fucking give my sons memory back now."

Mewtwo just teleports away.

"Ariana when was your last period?"

"WHY THE FU-...." She pauses, flying back down. The confusion halted her anger in its tracks. "Huh, uhhhhh, I don't remember."

"Remember the last time you lost your Temper this bad?"

"Yeah, but that's impossible. You're infertile now after yaknow the mewtwo incident."

Lance clears his throat. "Uh, before you yell at me again, but uh, flygon can retain sperm up to 5 years."

Ariana turns red. "Ah fuck I totally forgot, and I was looking at old baby photos a while back must of triggered that." She pauses again. "Ah.... I'll be at my clinic checking how far along I am.... Lance don't you fuckinh tell anyone that I'm a half pokemon."

Lance nods. "Why would I do that? I hate you but even I can put the pieces together that poachers would do unspeakable things to get you." He sighs. "I hate poachers more then I hate rocket and you two."

Giovanni sighs watching Ariana fly off. "Look if I pull some strings and get you that thing you want can you tell me more facts about flygon.... we are visiting her mom in sinnoh when she travels out for that and she terrifies me."

"Ok, only because I really want that thing done."

[galaxywarp]

$10 for two loads of laundry is unbelievably abysmal, not even considering how fucked $500 extra a year is. I’d look up laws about increasing rent in ohio to double check if thats even legal and then negotiate with her regardless. im so fucking sorry you have to deal with this leech on top of everything else. you don’t deserve it.

I started spinning out BAD the other day when I found out that social security disability hasn’t made any progress on my case in nearly 2 months because one of my clinics (that I called 3-4 times about this !) where I’ve done most of my recent treatment has just been sitting on a request for documentation since December 7th.

Two months of nothing while I have to track down $10 just to have clean clothes. Because they wouldn’t send in my medical history. Two months.

I try to take being broke in stride. I really do. I’ve lived like this before. I know how to survive on bare minimum. I’m trained for this since I was a kid.

But I think im starting to lose strength here. Especially because I know it doesn’t have to be this way. I know what it’s like now to live not feeling guilty for having to spend $5 on some paper plates to feed my cats.

But I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be in survival mode like this. I really don’t.

I’m tired.

[countkunt]

im so fucking tired.

i just released my latest MRI records (which i sent to my pain clinic a long time ago...) for personal use and found out that i have 2 bulging disks in my neck and may have "Cervical Disk Disorder With Radiculopathy" (i don't understand what "Clinical Indications" is referring to here. is it the diagnosis? its certainly not the reason i was referred to get an MRI, at least not ot my knowledge).

the MRI of my neck was done NOV. 7 and i IMMEDIATELY released the records to the pain clinic ive been going to. this entire time i never received a phone call from SHIELDS or my pain clinic. i went to the clinic on Nov. 16th for radiofrequency ablation for pain at end ends of my hardware and asked the doctor abt the MRI then. he said they never received anything. went back for the second radiofrequency ablation treatment on Nov. 30th and they didn't say shit, then the nurse tried to tell me that my treatment was OVER, and that they dont expect to see me again except to check on my recovery on JAN 14. i said no? i still have several other issues w my back and neck??? and rescheduled the visit to be asap (the 4th).

i called the clinic yesterday asking abt the MRI and that nurse said they've had the records for weeks now, but it seems no one's bothered to look at them. so when were any of yall planning to let me know i have two bulging disks in my neck and possibly/definitely pinched nerve/s????

im the one who had to push for an MRI in the first place since my pain doctor didn't even feel like giving me one, and now he can't even be assed to fucking read the report. i hate doctors so much. i literally spoonfeed them the information they need to treat my pain and fight for the most basic care and they STILL refuse to take me seriously. they can't even be bothered to READ. or be honest, apparently. throwback to 6 YEARS ago when i told my surgeon abt all the symptoms im currently having at 100x the severity they were at then, and all he said was "well you shouldn't" and sent me to PT.

btw i have a thoracic-lumbar spinal fusion, fibromyalgia, and constant muscle spasms, not to mention hip pain (probably from my unevem hips due to scoliosis, which the fusion was not able to totally correct) and all they have me on is 20mg duloxetine and tizanidine. im a dropout and ive been out of work for 6 months and in agony for way longer and im so tired of living like this