#im not doing well mentally tbh
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I like to consider myself as someone who is pretty understanding but there is a limit and I just found it
#all throughout school and university I have been a fast learner with most things#and with things Iāve struggled I at least try#and I believe I have been patient with people who take more time with things#I have studied and tutor some of my peers in school and I like it bc it helps me understand things better#but something that just annoys me is when people are told repeatedly to do something and they still donāt do it#for work for example#my coworker and I were trained in these particular tasks at the same time#the training was very very clear. we were encouraged to take notes and the trainer gave us some of her notes#we have been doing these tasks for more than 6 months#and I am aware that he has a lot on his plate and usually he turns in things like weāre supposed to#but for the last couple of deliveries that I have to check before handoff he has made the same mistake over and over again#is not really a mistake but he just forgets to add some documents#and itās annoying ok#also bc we have a calendar we have to adjust to and turn things on time#but bc he has a ton of other stuff to do he leaves it until a few days before so I also have to rush#it doesnāt help that im feeling very anxious right now#I just want it to be mid December so I can go home for a few weeks#im not doing well mentally tbh#mariana.txt
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since tumblr always has to suffer my personal vents and breakdowns and rants and annoyances you get the most wips and pics of unfinished stuff, im sure that makes up for it
the (unfinished) shiekah arm concepts that made me want to explode and i dont think im gonna work on again
#ganondoodles#art#zelda#ganondoodles rewrites totk#botw2#wip#calling it wip but i dont think i can go back to it#i tried to keep going on this for so long bc i have had the idea in mind for so long and it seemed fun#well ...... turns out that was a lie#thought to myself maybe i can do like one of those cool concept art things where they just go for interesting shapes first#and then refine it to actually work#but im not made for it#tbh im not sure what im made for#(i dont think posting wips im not posting elsewhere actually makes up for my annoying mental health spirals..)#i hope its not too small#was intending to go for version H but only got to do one variation#the outer casing can be customized with several designs#theres a guardian arm that extends and stretches to form the hookshot in the bulky part as well as the stored magic#there is always something on it to glow bc it also subtly shows how low your magic meter is#and if it runs out the blue parts turn orange like other shiekah tech in stand by mode#wanted to draw all that on here too#but .... ill need to start over when im doing better ....... WHEN im doing better and can draw again#speaking it into existence#(....man how all those ādesignsā look is so ... i feel even stupider for getting so extremely frustrated over it ...)
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Mark calling Julian "my dreamer" & Julian calling Dru "the dreamer" :(
#Julian not being a dreamer anymore because he had to survive#he had to do whatever it took to keep his siblings safe & he had to grow up to do that#& Dru still is because she never had to make that sacrifice#but at the same time her new flower card says 'with me you are safe'#and she a good liar and she acts (& is expected to) older than she is#idk where Im going with this tbh#but it makes me sad & I think cc should never write anything again for my mental well being#bella talks#dru blackthorn#drusilla blackthorn#julian blackthorn#jules blackthorn#the dark artifices#the wicked powers#tales from the Shadowhunter Academy#tda#twp#tftsa#tsc#the shadowhunter chronicles
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veep dad comfort art
#veep dad :]#i have Not been well mentally tbh the second im with friends i DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE anyways ill be VENTING A TINY BIT HERE#i need excitement in my life but im like#has no social life#oopsies...!#so i thought yknow what would make me happy rn. My Veep Dad#yea thats it#also ive been struggling with motivations to play ttcc and draw so....#apologies for being in the game less. especially as im in the post game with almost everything done#im usually kinda really goal oriented in games and yeah having no tasks or close friends to play with#im just kinda THERE and getting that initial push to do stuff is very hard#my motivation has just been at an all time zero (again) and it upsets me bc i do wanna do stuff...not bc ohh productivity but bc#i just wanna HAVE FUNNNN#anyways erm.... thanks for listening to my little rant here again. i dont know where else to express this sort of stuff. feels wrong to dum#it on strangers who i know are there for my art but. whatever. yknow#just wish i was more motivated in general but my life is Just Kinda Sad and im an Antisocial Anxious Wreck Dear Cog#senior vice president#sr vp#veep dad#personal tag if i dont wanna main tag....#doodles#traditional art#guz art#toontown
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#i saw someone else's post about deleting social media for a while and tbh i think i might do the same#if you have my discord you know where to find me#if youre close to me you probably already know that im not well right now#i think i just need to shut the world off for a while and pretend im in a very small bubble where only surviving to the next day matters#im safe i have folks looking out for me and im feeling more lucid today than i have been lately#and if that changes i made safety nets to make sure i cant hurt myself#but I m gonna just step out for a while and plan on maybe not opening social medias other than discord till next year#i need to make my world feel smaller for a while and just stick my head in the sand until im in a safer place mentally#if youre reading this and youre in a place like i am know that youre not alone#know that its ok to close your eyes for a little while and be selfish#its ok to make your world smaller right now and take a break from fighting if you need to#i understand theres a lot of shame for not fighting for everyone else or feeling suicidal when other folks have it worse off than you do#idk right now im lucid enough to just say i cant think about that right now and thats ok#if you need to focus on just keeping your own feet on the ground for now thats ok#ill see yall next year. please still be here with me. im gonna try my best to still be here too
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like ādudeā¦ uuugh we r TIREDā <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the āpersonalityā of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that theyāre Real but iām a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how theyāre from the narratorās consciousness which is sick as hell#and iām unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i donāt know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( iām not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i donāt know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and itās all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the āwhat if their blog self Was Realā but iām not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably donāt think i know enough and i donāt think theyāll approve if i try. so i Donāt#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but thatās incredibly hopeful#iāll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to āoh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidentsā#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that iām stupid because i didnt try#even though iām trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else iāve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends āļø#man i canāt even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasnāt allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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I'm starting to wonder if there is actually something legit about the 'right time' to turn Guillermo that Nandor keeps talking about...
It was brought up again in the premiere and something about how Guillermo said that "deep down I'm not ready [to become a vampire]" before Derek jumped him...
...what if Nandor hasn't actually been putting it off for no reason...what if there is actually a 'right moment' for it and this whole time we were thinking that moment had to do with Nandor being ready but what if it's about Guillermo being ready??
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#guillermo de la cruz#also my last post didnt show in the tags wtf now i have to do it again#i have so many Thoughts about s5 that im kind of overwhelmed tbh lol#also also...Nandor waiting for the right time...like...what if he actually really wants to turn Guillermo too#but hes afraid he'll get it wrong or its never at that moment...#what if it has to do with Guillermo's well being and the place hes at mentally and emotionally#and at the end of s3 he showed how he could be strong and self reliant and stand up for himself so Nandor was going to do it#but humans aren't static (but vampires are???) and all Guillermo's insecurity bubbled up again and now Nandor's got to wait again#BUT ALSO??? I JUST REALIZED THAT I DONT REMEMBER GUILLERMO EVEN ASKING NANDOR AGAIN PRE GOING TO DEREK#NANDORS GOING TO BE LIKE EXTRA BETRAYED BECAUSE HE DIDNT EVEN REJECT GUILLERMO BEFORE HE WENT TO SOMEONE ELSE???#...i told you i have a lot of thoughts...
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laios is so white to me. i cant make him not white but i cant make blonde white men int he sims who arent twinks. help
#falin im also having trouble with#i might start again for them both tbh#for everyone else im either done or i have a good base or a good mental image#its just the main party + few of the important characters#but i kind of do wanna make more of them is theyre received well#like i really wanna have a crack at making cithis specifically#seph.txt
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top ten guys who would shatter if thrown at a wall number 1
#thinking abtpers ERMM sorry always think abt him late and then i get self concious. BUT i think#''yknow that life we lived is over. and when we were living it it didnt mean anything anyways'' < THAT. THAT MAKES ME THROW UP AND SOB#because it DID mean something to him!! it meant everything !!#it was the one thing that kept him going he was trapped w laius or wahteva#the idea that if there was even a SLIM chance of him escaping and meeting back up with coyot and things going back to the way they were. it#was worth it enough to endure torment and try to not go crazy < wanted 2 be somewhat normal when he caught up w coyot#even though it never did turn into a reality and instead he came across gunner#and it wasnt until after he had grown to love his new life and the people around him that he saw coyot again . circumstances aside he still#was so happy 2 see he was alive and well. was happy to see that coyot also lived with the people he loved and was doing alright for himself#and was in a better mental state and was well fed and !#he loved coyot. im so emo over that. love was there but it saved nobody < shaking and crying and throwing up#and thats why i think him dying would be the best outcome 4 him tbh. having to kill your old family must be fucking devastating#and he only did it to ensureĀ a false sense of safety. FML!!#txt
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š» āĖā¹ ąæ š³
#the weather is so lovely today. itās breezy and cool but the sun is warm so itās not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i havenāt been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldnāt be surprised if#something wasnāt optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i donāt wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldnāt care less if i donāt write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldnāt even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#itāll be fine i guess#i donāt want to give up but i donāt have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#ā” dear diaryā¦
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guys I know this is the homosexual website but I think I might actually be a homosexual for real now
#i was saying bi for so long#but tbh with my family ill never come out#i was so free in hs and didnt even think about it bc i was fine being everyones secret#my stuff#i never used lesbian to describe myself and im 27 but ive been doing a lot of thinking#about what i fundamentally want from life and what excites and intrigues me mentally and physically#and looking at women is kind of always priority number one#feeling very but im a cheerleader#but not cheerleader just parentified daughter raised up to be an greaseball housewife#for a while i thought i may be trans but thats not quite right#im 27 im too old for revalations like this esp when i know ill never change anything bc i cant stand the thought of losing my family#sad! oh well theres marijuana#i miss kissing girls#haaaattteeeeeee that i dated a man for 2 years that i didnt like and was always embarassed of and wasnt attracted to#and didnt understand until after he fucked me over that it was because i had as much attraction to him as i do any man so i thought i was#i wont lie ive been trained to be so centered on men and their approval my whole life i dont know how to act#without my main directive being attractive to men
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growing up on a farm is so fucking funny. like i feel lonely even when surrounded by people and i dont think ill ever truly fit in anywhere and people are often disgusted by me but i know how to butcher a rabbit by heart and i can grow tomatoes so thats cool i guess.
#i will never truly feel like i belong anywhere and im a very unlikeable person but i can grow my own food so thats cool#prolly a lot of this is influenced by severe mental illness too tbh. whatever#lowkey i have given up on making new friends. the ppl i have right now will eventually leave n i think thatll be it#i think im just too fucked up to be likeable anymore#shrugs. oh well#i dont even feel like figuring out who specifically in our system typed this up to tag it properly. i dont caaare anymore#not a single one of us is worthy of love no reason to keep caring#im literally going to be homeless in a few months i dont care about ANYTHING anymore. im so fucking tired and lonely no matter what i do#i need to get rlly insane abt characters again i need to distract myself again. i need 1 billion distraction so i forget the loneliness
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how do you cut someone off
#like without drifting apart gradually bc tbh i dont wanna be close friends anymore#i feel constantly misunderstood and perpetually weighed down in this person's presence#we're close friends but i dont even like her anymore#and i feel BAD about it but i just cant stand their ass! everything feels like a competition with them. everything feels miserable.#it's definitely partially my own fault bc i do a lot of comparing due to our laundry list of similarities#but it's partially their fault bc shes always adding fuel to the fire#like we can never just agree on things#and whenever i try to balance myself and stop being so competitive here she comes with her damn#need to make even more comparisons between us#also like. they cannot just shut up about how hard life is#Trust me i know! i take 3 pills daily for psychological issues. i have been since i was 18#like they always have to talk about how haaaaard having ADHD is how difficult their life is like#it's one thing to open up to your friends and vent every so often and another to make your illness your entire personality#i rant about all my issues in depth on tumblr BECAUSE i know better than to dump all that onto my friends who are already struggling#im not saying it's Trauma Dumping to talk abt ur problems but holy shit in moderation#like i dont have the mental or emotional capacity for this!!!!#that might sound really mean and god forbid extremely individualistic but it's truly because#im trying to HEAL im trying to RECOVER#and with someone constantly messaging me about their ailments and symptoms and struggles! well it makes me feel like we're both bound to be#stuck foreverrrr#also apart from that i dont enjoy their company. they used to be interesting and now they're just negative half the time if not more and#constantly playing the devils advocate for seemingly no real reason#im not perfect either in fact i can be a real asshole in friendship im aware. but this one particular friend has been pissing me off for#over a year and that has to mean something#like why now and why for this long?#if it really is a Me Problem then okay! like i fucking suck im horrible or whatever lets not be friends so that she can be happier!#idgaf anymore maybe im the bad guy but either way we're better off apart#z.post
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holding my breath on this but its only been like 3 days of me REALLY posting other shit on here than just my thoughts and it already feels so much better. like i am glad i have this space to talk about my mental health and very kind people who have stuck with me through my many years of breakdowns but like... i don't know. i'm kind of sick of dealing with my own shit, and being able to like rb silly posts or talk about my interests on here just feels better. i'm still going to be sad as fuck on here sometimes, probably, but i like that i can kinda be a whole person more. i'm so tired of tumblr being the holding cell for my misery. i'm so tired of being miserable. least i can do is post about pokemon every once in a while
#nightmare.personal#recently i've been so tired of having mental health issues which sounds fucking stupid but that's just how i am#if i deal with an issue for long enough i get bored of it and abandon it#like if i have a medical issue and it doesn't resolve fast enough i'm like well i guess i'll just live like this forever#and obviously i still do care and process and think about my mental illnesses but like. dude i don't know#im just apathetic to my own suffering at this point cause theres such better things to do tbh#anyway. i don't know. just my thoughts#a LOT of my tumblr posts have been y'all watching me rebuild myself up as a person and i think i'm making a lot of progress#because i was truly an entirely deconstructed person by the time i turned 18. like i was viscerally fucking ruined.#and now it's like. well. i think i'm more whole again#i'm back to being the sort of person that can blog on tumblr like a normal person. isn't that beautiful
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vent in the tags lol i'll delete later, that is if i remember
#vent ahead#suicide mention ahead#ed too ig#having a very not mentally well episode by yourself is tough huh#i haven't been nice to myself#i keep thinking about suicide#i find myself sabotaging my own health. i'm starving myself. i don't eat well. and i hate that i keep doing this#my head is hurting bcs i have been crying for a while#and i only have a lifeless teddy bear to hug and cry with#how lonely can you be when you only have a plushie to cry with#tbh i'm extremely jealous seeing people receiving love#like how tf do you guys achieve such accomplishment lmao#i need to really sleep. i hope i dont wake up#if i do; idk i'll continue writing chapter 7 or something#im trying to find a reason tbh#bcs wtf am i still doing here anyway#god take me out
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn šš
#took me like 50 hours but we did it š«š¼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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