#im not doing well mentally tbh
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I like to consider myself as someone who is pretty understanding but there is a limit and I just found it
#all throughout school and university I have been a fast learner with most things#and with things I’ve struggled I at least try#and I believe I have been patient with people who take more time with things#I have studied and tutor some of my peers in school and I like it bc it helps me understand things better#but something that just annoys me is when people are told repeatedly to do something and they still don’t do it#for work for example#my coworker and I were trained in these particular tasks at the same time#the training was very very clear. we were encouraged to take notes and the trainer gave us some of her notes#we have been doing these tasks for more than 6 months#and I am aware that he has a lot on his plate and usually he turns in things like we’re supposed to#but for the last couple of deliveries that I have to check before handoff he has made the same mistake over and over again#is not really a mistake but he just forgets to add some documents#and it’s annoying ok#also bc we have a calendar we have to adjust to and turn things on time#but bc he has a ton of other stuff to do he leaves it until a few days before so I also have to rush#it doesn’t help that im feeling very anxious right now#I just want it to be mid December so I can go home for a few weeks#im not doing well mentally tbh#mariana.txt
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Mark calling Julian "my dreamer" & Julian calling Dru "the dreamer" :(
#Julian not being a dreamer anymore because he had to survive#he had to do whatever it took to keep his siblings safe & he had to grow up to do that#& Dru still is because she never had to make that sacrifice#but at the same time her new flower card says 'with me you are safe'#and she a good liar and she acts (& is expected to) older than she is#idk where Im going with this tbh#but it makes me sad & I think cc should never write anything again for my mental well being#bella talks#dru blackthorn#drusilla blackthorn#julian blackthorn#jules blackthorn#the dark artifices#the wicked powers#tales from the Shadowhunter Academy#tda#twp#tftsa#tsc#the shadowhunter chronicles
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veep dad comfort art
#veep dad :]#i have Not been well mentally tbh the second im with friends i DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE anyways ill be VENTING A TINY BIT HERE#i need excitement in my life but im like#has no social life#oopsies...!#so i thought yknow what would make me happy rn. My Veep Dad#yea thats it#also ive been struggling with motivations to play ttcc and draw so....#apologies for being in the game less. especially as im in the post game with almost everything done#im usually kinda really goal oriented in games and yeah having no tasks or close friends to play with#im just kinda THERE and getting that initial push to do stuff is very hard#my motivation has just been at an all time zero (again) and it upsets me bc i do wanna do stuff...not bc ohh productivity but bc#i just wanna HAVE FUNNNN#anyways erm.... thanks for listening to my little rant here again. i dont know where else to express this sort of stuff. feels wrong to dum#it on strangers who i know are there for my art but. whatever. yknow#just wish i was more motivated in general but my life is Just Kinda Sad and im an Antisocial Anxious Wreck Dear Cog#senior vice president#sr vp#veep dad#personal tag if i dont wanna main tag....#doodles#traditional art#guz art#toontown
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#i saw someone else's post about deleting social media for a while and tbh i think i might do the same#if you have my discord you know where to find me#if youre close to me you probably already know that im not well right now#i think i just need to shut the world off for a while and pretend im in a very small bubble where only surviving to the next day matters#im safe i have folks looking out for me and im feeling more lucid today than i have been lately#and if that changes i made safety nets to make sure i cant hurt myself#but I m gonna just step out for a while and plan on maybe not opening social medias other than discord till next year#i need to make my world feel smaller for a while and just stick my head in the sand until im in a safer place mentally#if youre reading this and youre in a place like i am know that youre not alone#know that its ok to close your eyes for a little while and be selfish#its ok to make your world smaller right now and take a break from fighting if you need to#i understand theres a lot of shame for not fighting for everyone else or feeling suicidal when other folks have it worse off than you do#idk right now im lucid enough to just say i cant think about that right now and thats ok#if you need to focus on just keeping your own feet on the ground for now thats ok#ill see yall next year. please still be here with me. im gonna try my best to still be here too
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I'm starting to wonder if there is actually something legit about the 'right time' to turn Guillermo that Nandor keeps talking about...
It was brought up again in the premiere and something about how Guillermo said that "deep down I'm not ready [to become a vampire]" before Derek jumped him...
...what if Nandor hasn't actually been putting it off for no reason...what if there is actually a 'right moment' for it and this whole time we were thinking that moment had to do with Nandor being ready but what if it's about Guillermo being ready??
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#guillermo de la cruz#also my last post didnt show in the tags wtf now i have to do it again#i have so many Thoughts about s5 that im kind of overwhelmed tbh lol#also also...Nandor waiting for the right time...like...what if he actually really wants to turn Guillermo too#but hes afraid he'll get it wrong or its never at that moment...#what if it has to do with Guillermo's well being and the place hes at mentally and emotionally#and at the end of s3 he showed how he could be strong and self reliant and stand up for himself so Nandor was going to do it#but humans aren't static (but vampires are???) and all Guillermo's insecurity bubbled up again and now Nandor's got to wait again#BUT ALSO??? I JUST REALIZED THAT I DONT REMEMBER GUILLERMO EVEN ASKING NANDOR AGAIN PRE GOING TO DEREK#NANDORS GOING TO BE LIKE EXTRA BETRAYED BECAUSE HE DIDNT EVEN REJECT GUILLERMO BEFORE HE WENT TO SOMEONE ELSE???#...i told you i have a lot of thoughts...
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laios is so white to me. i cant make him not white but i cant make blonde white men int he sims who arent twinks. help
#falin im also having trouble with#i might start again for them both tbh#for everyone else im either done or i have a good base or a good mental image#its just the main party + few of the important characters#but i kind of do wanna make more of them is theyre received well#like i really wanna have a crack at making cithis specifically#seph.txt
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top ten guys who would shatter if thrown at a wall number 1
#thinking abtpers ERMM sorry always think abt him late and then i get self concious. BUT i think#''yknow that life we lived is over. and when we were living it it didnt mean anything anyways'' < THAT. THAT MAKES ME THROW UP AND SOB#because it DID mean something to him!! it meant everything !!#it was the one thing that kept him going he was trapped w laius or wahteva#the idea that if there was even a SLIM chance of him escaping and meeting back up with coyot and things going back to the way they were. it#was worth it enough to endure torment and try to not go crazy < wanted 2 be somewhat normal when he caught up w coyot#even though it never did turn into a reality and instead he came across gunner#and it wasnt until after he had grown to love his new life and the people around him that he saw coyot again . circumstances aside he still#was so happy 2 see he was alive and well. was happy to see that coyot also lived with the people he loved and was doing alright for himself#and was in a better mental state and was well fed and !#he loved coyot. im so emo over that. love was there but it saved nobody < shaking and crying and throwing up#and thats why i think him dying would be the best outcome 4 him tbh. having to kill your old family must be fucking devastating#and he only did it to ensure a false sense of safety. FML!!#txt
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shitty post finale milo and Scott doodle from last night when I really should not have been awake lol. Milo is a sappy and he needs to get as many of those new pet names rolling as possible. Mans got raised from the dead and immediately decided this was the first order of business and I love that for him.
#wcsmp milo#wcsmp#smajor#hourspost#hoursart#y'all have no idea how actually obsessed i am with Milo the guy gets raised from the dead his husband starts trying to be like#i have committed atrocities you have been dead for 4 years i have refused to mourn and i do dark magic and am not morally sound#and he goes damn aight im kinda hungry lets go eat and also i cant call you sunshine cus your goth now so ig i need new pet names#AND THEN JUST GOES LIKE HE GETS RAISED AND JUST IMMEDIATLY IS BACK AT IT#its the question of has it not fully set it for him what has happened is he willfully ignorant#from his pov he described going into the lake to get their dog he may as well just be waking up from a nap#i expect some drowning trauma 100% because thats is one of the most horrifying ways to go tbh but i think thats getting repressed#like i dont think he fully grasps the trauma of everything until its immediatly affecting him thats my hc#his body doesnt trust water and it makes drinking things hard even when he knows better mentally#anyways enough blabbing i have better art i could be posting rip
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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this guy is the main antagonist? with NO redemption? when he was just trying to be good enough for his father to love him like he did his other siblings? WHAT
mha spoilers ahead bc i lost my shit but several points to make here. 1) he's not the MAIN antagonist he's like. villain no.3 in the rankings imo but he's a BIG hitter like defo one of the first villains u think of when u think about the series 2) THE DAD DIDN'T EVEN LOVE THE OTHER SIBLINGS!!! okay todoroki trauma time: there's enji, the dad, rei, the mum, and then the kids: touya (this guy: goes on to become the villain dabi which literally means cremation. i hate everything. hot topic ass), fuyumi (invented eldest daughter syndrome), natsuo (loml), and shouto (youngest brother that got all the attention).
so in mha the abilities are called 'quirks' and enji's ability is that he's basically a firebender, and because of that, he becomes the no.2 hero, second only to all might, who he envies with every fibre of his being. he is DESPERATE to become the no.1 hero instead of all might, but his quirk is limited bc he overheats if he overuses his fire, so when he realises he can never individually defeat all might, he decides that his legacy will. so he get a quirk marriage, which is when u marry another quirk user with the sole ambition of selective breeding high-power quirks in your children. this is illegal. off the bat, the no.2 hero is breaking the law he is literally upholding and a representative of. he marries rei, an ice user, in the hopes of producing a child able to wield both fire and ice with the ability to balance one with the other. low and behold, his first child is born. touya todoroki, my fucking guy that is driving me NUTS today. touya has his father's flames and his mother's resistance to the cold, but NO fire resistance, meaning every time he overuses his fire, he burns the fuck out of himself. still, regardless of the pain his quirk causes touya, enji trains him from the moment his quirk manifests, which is like. age 5 im pretty sure. literal full ass AGGRESSIVELY ABUSIVE combat training for this 5 year old, and regardless of the pain his quirk causes touya, he puts his all into it because he literally just wants is to impress his father like all he knows is that he's supposed to be a hero he's supposed to beat all might it's what he was BORN for it's literally the purpose of his creation and why his dad is so hard on him, so he tries tries tries, but ultimately like i said, his quirk is faulty. so enji keeps having kids, all the while abusing the fuck out of rei as he goes bc he just treats her as a breeding machine and won't let her have any input on the kids' upbringing, but fuyumi and natsuo both come out with very weak quirks and no fire so he still puts most of his faith in touya until he's literally like eight like that's his entire developmental period being the One That's Gonna Achieve Dad's Dream Of Defeating All Might. and then shouto is born. shouto, who has the Perfect Quirk. shouto, who is one of the main characters from the get-go, who we meet LONG before touya is even MENTIONED, who is one of our big protag and set to be one of the top heroes of his generation. he is literally everything touya was supposed to be, and enji throws touya aside because of it. literally completely drops touya.
and touya HATES him for it and he hates SHOUTO for it even though shouto gets subject to the exact same abuse and indoctrination and 'you're no more than a quirk to me' bullshit from their dad like NEITHER of them were ever just kids ever just enji's sons they were weapons first and foremost touya is a complete parallel of what shouto could have become but didn't and when touya's fourteen it all comes to a head and he basically burns himself alive bc he loses control of his quirk and his dad isn't there and they forget he ever existed and shouto continues to shine while touya lives in the ashes and the criminal underworld throughout his teenage years and he does terrible things and when he shows up again it's as a villain and he's treated like nothing more than some lunatic monster and im just. normal amounts of upset about it bth.
#shouto is his own BUCKETLOAD of trauma like rei went mental from so much abuse and had a breakdown when shouto was 5#and she poured boiling water on him LITERALLY BC HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE HIS DAD. THAT IS IT#THAT'S HOW MUCH THIS ONE GUY FUCKED UP THAT FAMILY#AND THEY FUCKING REDEEM HIM#and tbh i could allow the redemption. i wouldn't LIKE it and it would rub me up the wrong way but id allow it#IF they redeemed touya as well. but no touya gets burned and forgotten and becomes dabi#and im supposed to take him as this two dimensional evil thing when he just wanted to be good#idk the manga isn't over yet and we're currently in a HUGELY important todoroki family arc#so it MIGHT change in his favour but recent chapters are NOT LOOKING GOOD and im tearing my hair out basically#ask#mha#mha spoilers#touya todoroki#i cant wait for rori to log on and see im not only strangers posting but about my hero academia no less#rori if u see this know my mental state is v fragile rn u do not want to be mean to me THINK before you post is it true is it helpful is it
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vent in the tags lol i'll delete later, that is if i remember
#vent ahead#suicide mention ahead#ed too ig#having a very not mentally well episode by yourself is tough huh#i haven't been nice to myself#i keep thinking about suicide#i find myself sabotaging my own health. i'm starving myself. i don't eat well. and i hate that i keep doing this#my head is hurting bcs i have been crying for a while#and i only have a lifeless teddy bear to hug and cry with#how lonely can you be when you only have a plushie to cry with#tbh i'm extremely jealous seeing people receiving love#like how tf do you guys achieve such accomplishment lmao#i need to really sleep. i hope i dont wake up#if i do; idk i'll continue writing chapter 7 or something#im trying to find a reason tbh#bcs wtf am i still doing here anyway#god take me out
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn 😭😭
#took me like 50 hours but we did it 🔫😼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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Listening to coinstar by the growlers and thinking about mel so hard I get nauseous
Ridiculous stream of conscious in the tags apologies but not really
#it speaks#white woman moment#its really funny bc like. its very much a her to jfk song#(everyones favorite problematic short king)#but she looks at him with uhhh#like heres this kid(hes 28) standing on the precipice o what she had been all those years ago#but he KNOWS it she didnt know she thought she had mold poisoning from her shitty apartment until she died#and she is projecting so much onto him. which is part of why she doesn't respect him at all#'im a sucker just like you'#its also funny bc like. it is Too Late for Phoenix.also its scary that theyre hungry bc as far as she knows death avatars arent supposed 2 b#but also theyre the first one shes met. and Phoenix is kind of just scary in general.#but being around those two is like. almost flashbacky(jfk also reminds her alot of her ex aroun that age tho audreys dad was Worse)#(she never met him but heard enough stories about the guy and i mean. he fed her to the hunt on purpose.#i dont think jorges dad wanted what was going to happen to happen)#part of why she texted her so fast tbh. not that they hadnt talked at all since the divorce.#i thinj they talked. not alot bc mel WAS in europe and international data rates pre smartphone age oof ouch#and also like. they did irrevocably harm eachother physically and mentally but they do both careeeeee#tho. i do not think melissa wouldve ever dropped everything to go help audrey like audrey would and did for her.#(girl who runs away from her problems x girl who is a dog)#auuughhhhhh#she really is my chew toy.#i also think alot about her sky mafia years but those r fun and sexy little secrets for me#as much as i love Basil's motw campaign i do with it was easier to unentangle her from tma lore.#bc like. normal vampire works well but it loses so much of the flavor. various sea beasts keep the flavor but loose the morality.#for pathfinder if i were to redo her id go with storm oracle and then spec into kineticist. which does work Ok I Guess.#but like. even that its still not what i want#one scene that probably would've never happened in game but i thought ahout if we ever went back to the item storage or maybe a wierd thrift#shop or something was to like. have her come across a violin and pick it up and make it scream horribly. like. really concentrate on making#it make the worst noise imaginable. shes trying to reach that wonderful horrible music avatars mention alot in the earlier seasons#and then realizes everyone else Hates That So Much and jokingly play one of the devil's riffs from tdwdg. tbh i should finally draw that
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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sometimes my lungs/heart do something funky and im like hm that doesnt seem normal. but then i reason to myself well you just got up and walked around obviously ur heart will beat a little harder since youre moving but then im like no thats bullshit i walked 20 feet to the bathroom that should NOT make my heart beat so hard i feel like i just ran for my life. but then i reason to myself again well youre kind of out of shape so its understandable? and then im like NO bc this has happened even when i was exercising regularly thanks to soccer this isnt normal? but then-
#this post brought to you by i walked to the kitchen (again like 20-30 ft) and was having a little trouble breathing and then i unhooked my b#bra and did some light breathing exercises to get everything under control#i am obviously the pinnacle of health#not but fr i go thru this same mental flip flop All The Time#usually it stops at the youre out of shape portion but today i had the genius thought that no this happened even if i was exercising regular#regularly. clearly there is something wrong with me (derogatory)#the other day my mom was like my asthmas acting up its hard to breathe :(#and i was like have you perhaps tried unhooking your bra bc honestly it happens to me a lot that my bras just squeeze too tight#and she looked at me like i was crazy and was like michelle no thats mot the problem??#and i was like damn ok 🙄#and its like. do other people not start feeling short of breath when they wear a bra sometimes?#i think some of mine are too small? but theyre not a problem half the time so idk#i hate going bra shopping tbh i dont actually know my size#theyre all either WAYY too fucking big or they come in just my size but are a type i hate#michi tag#idk where i was going with this#ohhh my god ok in project hail mary when they were teying to figure out how to prevent the apocalypse via starvation#and they were like yeah lets just release all the fucking methane gas in the polar ice caps and speedrun global warming#and literally my first thought was well damn fuck the asthmatics i guess#the air quality must be soo shitty my god#partially why i did not like the ending was bc it didnt give us a view of how things on earth panned out#just at the end like hey btw earth survived congrats :)#wnd it was so anticlimatic tbh like i knowww there was drama on earth i know it#i wanna know what info he gave them. did he tell them oh yeah btw i woke up and everyone was fucking dead#did he tell them abt the aliens. im assuming he did if only bc of the xenoite#but its like. i so wanna know what the political landscape is like on earth#this is so tangential my point is i just know the asthmatics were not having a fun time#i mean so many people were not having a fun time obvs like they deadass paved the sahara but yeah i wanna know#anyways
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i think hands down the most embarrassing effect of my mental illness is that sometimes i straight up cannot communicate clearly and it REALLY sucks. always talking too much because i can't figure out how to word my point, straight up not talking because i KNOW i won't be able to word anything correctly, having to finish half my statements with "do you get what i'm trying to say?" it's so fucking humiliating to have to constantly try to explain yourself when you can't fit the words together properly.
#tbh why i mostly only talk to people online and am like. semimute irl LMAO#i mean i wouldnt say mute bc i CAN speak i just dont because its like the idea i have in my brain about what i want to say can't be verbali#ed so i always end up trying to use an analogy or reference that doesn't make any sense. hence y 80% of my interactions r scripted ones#online and fandom is much better for that bc i can proofread the stuff i write to see if it sounds correct#its very sucks bc i cant talk to people consistently which means there's very few people who are willing to put up with that#and luckily i do have very kind and loving friends who put up with me#but it's hard to explain anything so it's just hard and it sucks. im not even explaining it well here but whatever#cw mental illness#rant
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