#im not doing well mentally tbh
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I like to consider myself as someone who is pretty understanding but there is a limit and I just found it
#all throughout school and university I have been a fast learner with most things#and with things I’ve struggled I at least try#and I believe I have been patient with people who take more time with things#I have studied and tutor some of my peers in school and I like it bc it helps me understand things better#but something that just annoys me is when people are told repeatedly to do something and they still don’t do it#for work for example#my coworker and I were trained in these particular tasks at the same time#the training was very very clear. we were encouraged to take notes and the trainer gave us some of her notes#we have been doing these tasks for more than 6 months#and I am aware that he has a lot on his plate and usually he turns in things like we’re supposed to#but for the last couple of deliveries that I have to check before handoff he has made the same mistake over and over again#is not really a mistake but he just forgets to add some documents#and it’s annoying ok#also bc we have a calendar we have to adjust to and turn things on time#but bc he has a ton of other stuff to do he leaves it until a few days before so I also have to rush#it doesn’t help that im feeling very anxious right now#I just want it to be mid December so I can go home for a few weeks#im not doing well mentally tbh#mariana.txt
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since tumblr always has to suffer my personal vents and breakdowns and rants and annoyances you get the most wips and pics of unfinished stuff, im sure that makes up for it
the (unfinished) shiekah arm concepts that made me want to explode and i dont think im gonna work on again
#ganondoodles#art#zelda#ganondoodles rewrites totk#botw2#wip#calling it wip but i dont think i can go back to it#i tried to keep going on this for so long bc i have had the idea in mind for so long and it seemed fun#well ...... turns out that was a lie#thought to myself maybe i can do like one of those cool concept art things where they just go for interesting shapes first#and then refine it to actually work#but im not made for it#tbh im not sure what im made for#(i dont think posting wips im not posting elsewhere actually makes up for my annoying mental health spirals..)#i hope its not too small#was intending to go for version H but only got to do one variation#the outer casing can be customized with several designs#theres a guardian arm that extends and stretches to form the hookshot in the bulky part as well as the stored magic#there is always something on it to glow bc it also subtly shows how low your magic meter is#and if it runs out the blue parts turn orange like other shiekah tech in stand by mode#wanted to draw all that on here too#but .... ill need to start over when im doing better ....... WHEN im doing better and can draw again#speaking it into existence#(....man how all those “designs” look is so ... i feel even stupider for getting so extremely frustrated over it ...)
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Mark calling Julian "my dreamer" & Julian calling Dru "the dreamer" :(
#Julian not being a dreamer anymore because he had to survive#he had to do whatever it took to keep his siblings safe & he had to grow up to do that#& Dru still is because she never had to make that sacrifice#but at the same time her new flower card says 'with me you are safe'#and she a good liar and she acts (& is expected to) older than she is#idk where Im going with this tbh#but it makes me sad & I think cc should never write anything again for my mental well being#bella talks#dru blackthorn#drusilla blackthorn#julian blackthorn#jules blackthorn#the dark artifices#the wicked powers#tales from the Shadowhunter Academy#tda#twp#tftsa#tsc#the shadowhunter chronicles
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veep dad comfort art
#veep dad :]#i have Not been well mentally tbh the second im with friends i DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE anyways ill be VENTING A TINY BIT HERE#i need excitement in my life but im like#has no social life#oopsies...!#so i thought yknow what would make me happy rn. My Veep Dad#yea thats it#also ive been struggling with motivations to play ttcc and draw so....#apologies for being in the game less. especially as im in the post game with almost everything done#im usually kinda really goal oriented in games and yeah having no tasks or close friends to play with#im just kinda THERE and getting that initial push to do stuff is very hard#my motivation has just been at an all time zero (again) and it upsets me bc i do wanna do stuff...not bc ohh productivity but bc#i just wanna HAVE FUNNNN#anyways erm.... thanks for listening to my little rant here again. i dont know where else to express this sort of stuff. feels wrong to dum#it on strangers who i know are there for my art but. whatever. yknow#just wish i was more motivated in general but my life is Just Kinda Sad and im an Antisocial Anxious Wreck Dear Cog#senior vice president#sr vp#veep dad#personal tag if i dont wanna main tag....#doodles#traditional art#guz art#toontown
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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I'm starting to wonder if there is actually something legit about the 'right time' to turn Guillermo that Nandor keeps talking about...
It was brought up again in the premiere and something about how Guillermo said that "deep down I'm not ready [to become a vampire]" before Derek jumped him...
...what if Nandor hasn't actually been putting it off for no reason...what if there is actually a 'right moment' for it and this whole time we were thinking that moment had to do with Nandor being ready but what if it's about Guillermo being ready??
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#guillermo de la cruz#also my last post didnt show in the tags wtf now i have to do it again#i have so many Thoughts about s5 that im kind of overwhelmed tbh lol#also also...Nandor waiting for the right time...like...what if he actually really wants to turn Guillermo too#but hes afraid he'll get it wrong or its never at that moment...#what if it has to do with Guillermo's well being and the place hes at mentally and emotionally#and at the end of s3 he showed how he could be strong and self reliant and stand up for himself so Nandor was going to do it#but humans aren't static (but vampires are???) and all Guillermo's insecurity bubbled up again and now Nandor's got to wait again#BUT ALSO??? I JUST REALIZED THAT I DONT REMEMBER GUILLERMO EVEN ASKING NANDOR AGAIN PRE GOING TO DEREK#NANDORS GOING TO BE LIKE EXTRA BETRAYED BECAUSE HE DIDNT EVEN REJECT GUILLERMO BEFORE HE WENT TO SOMEONE ELSE???#...i told you i have a lot of thoughts...
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laios is so white to me. i cant make him not white but i cant make blonde white men int he sims who arent twinks. help
#falin im also having trouble with#i might start again for them both tbh#for everyone else im either done or i have a good base or a good mental image#its just the main party + few of the important characters#but i kind of do wanna make more of them is theyre received well#like i really wanna have a crack at making cithis specifically#seph.txt
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i think the point of art is not to get super good at it but to make things that look cool and funky and interesting and to make up silly little guys and to draw characters you love over and over
#trying to tell myself this.#just have fun dude. draw the Character. try new stuff and doodle things that make you happy and make messy stuff and have fun doing it.#brought to you by me trying to forcefully change my entire art style in ten minutes (don't ask. average gaylight mental breakdown behaviour#and:#a) being shocked when it Didn't Work#and b) realising if u stress too much over trying to improve at something to the point where it's not fun anymore#then it's just not worth it#i had art in mind obvs but i guess this could apply to other things as well. writing and music and literally anything creative#for that matter literally any skill/hobby tbh#improvement is good and cool but u gotta remember the reason u started doing this. shit's meant to be FUN.#im rambling and people have definitely said this before but better but whatever. whoever needs to hear this rn. you're doing great 🩵#gaylight post
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top ten guys who would shatter if thrown at a wall number 1
#thinking abtpers ERMM sorry always think abt him late and then i get self concious. BUT i think#''yknow that life we lived is over. and when we were living it it didnt mean anything anyways'' < THAT. THAT MAKES ME THROW UP AND SOB#because it DID mean something to him!! it meant everything !!#it was the one thing that kept him going he was trapped w laius or wahteva#the idea that if there was even a SLIM chance of him escaping and meeting back up with coyot and things going back to the way they were. it#was worth it enough to endure torment and try to not go crazy < wanted 2 be somewhat normal when he caught up w coyot#even though it never did turn into a reality and instead he came across gunner#and it wasnt until after he had grown to love his new life and the people around him that he saw coyot again . circumstances aside he still#was so happy 2 see he was alive and well. was happy to see that coyot also lived with the people he loved and was doing alright for himself#and was in a better mental state and was well fed and !#he loved coyot. im so emo over that. love was there but it saved nobody < shaking and crying and throwing up#and thats why i think him dying would be the best outcome 4 him tbh. having to kill your old family must be fucking devastating#and he only did it to ensure a false sense of safety. FML!!#txt
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guys I know this is the homosexual website but I think I might actually be a homosexual for real now
#i was saying bi for so long#but tbh with my family ill never come out#i was so free in hs and didnt even think about it bc i was fine being everyones secret#my stuff#i never used lesbian to describe myself and im 27 but ive been doing a lot of thinking#about what i fundamentally want from life and what excites and intrigues me mentally and physically#and looking at women is kind of always priority number one#feeling very but im a cheerleader#but not cheerleader just parentified daughter raised up to be an greaseball housewife#for a while i thought i may be trans but thats not quite right#im 27 im too old for revalations like this esp when i know ill never change anything bc i cant stand the thought of losing my family#sad! oh well theres marijuana#i miss kissing girls#haaaattteeeeeee that i dated a man for 2 years that i didnt like and was always embarassed of and wasnt attracted to#and didnt understand until after he fucked me over that it was because i had as much attraction to him as i do any man so i thought i was#i wont lie ive been trained to be so centered on men and their approval my whole life i dont know how to act#without my main directive being attractive to men
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how do you cut someone off
#like without drifting apart gradually bc tbh i dont wanna be close friends anymore#i feel constantly misunderstood and perpetually weighed down in this person's presence#we're close friends but i dont even like her anymore#and i feel BAD about it but i just cant stand their ass! everything feels like a competition with them. everything feels miserable.#it's definitely partially my own fault bc i do a lot of comparing due to our laundry list of similarities#but it's partially their fault bc shes always adding fuel to the fire#like we can never just agree on things#and whenever i try to balance myself and stop being so competitive here she comes with her damn#need to make even more comparisons between us#also like. they cannot just shut up about how hard life is#Trust me i know! i take 3 pills daily for psychological issues. i have been since i was 18#like they always have to talk about how haaaaard having ADHD is how difficult their life is like#it's one thing to open up to your friends and vent every so often and another to make your illness your entire personality#i rant about all my issues in depth on tumblr BECAUSE i know better than to dump all that onto my friends who are already struggling#im not saying it's Trauma Dumping to talk abt ur problems but holy shit in moderation#like i dont have the mental or emotional capacity for this!!!!#that might sound really mean and god forbid extremely individualistic but it's truly because#im trying to HEAL im trying to RECOVER#and with someone constantly messaging me about their ailments and symptoms and struggles! well it makes me feel like we're both bound to be#stuck foreverrrr#also apart from that i dont enjoy their company. they used to be interesting and now they're just negative half the time if not more and#constantly playing the devils advocate for seemingly no real reason#im not perfect either in fact i can be a real asshole in friendship im aware. but this one particular friend has been pissing me off for#over a year and that has to mean something#like why now and why for this long?#if it really is a Me Problem then okay! like i fucking suck im horrible or whatever lets not be friends so that she can be happier!#idgaf anymore maybe im the bad guy but either way we're better off apart#z.post
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Listening to coinstar by the growlers and thinking about mel so hard I get nauseous
Ridiculous stream of conscious in the tags apologies but not really
#it speaks#white woman moment#its really funny bc like. its very much a her to jfk song#(everyones favorite problematic short king)#but she looks at him with uhhh#like heres this kid(hes 28) standing on the precipice o what she had been all those years ago#but he KNOWS it she didnt know she thought she had mold poisoning from her shitty apartment until she died#and she is projecting so much onto him. which is part of why she doesn't respect him at all#'im a sucker just like you'#its also funny bc like. it is Too Late for Phoenix.also its scary that theyre hungry bc as far as she knows death avatars arent supposed 2 b#but also theyre the first one shes met. and Phoenix is kind of just scary in general.#but being around those two is like. almost flashbacky(jfk also reminds her alot of her ex aroun that age tho audreys dad was Worse)#(she never met him but heard enough stories about the guy and i mean. he fed her to the hunt on purpose.#i dont think jorges dad wanted what was going to happen to happen)#part of why she texted her so fast tbh. not that they hadnt talked at all since the divorce.#i thinj they talked. not alot bc mel WAS in europe and international data rates pre smartphone age oof ouch#and also like. they did irrevocably harm eachother physically and mentally but they do both careeeeee#tho. i do not think melissa wouldve ever dropped everything to go help audrey like audrey would and did for her.#(girl who runs away from her problems x girl who is a dog)#auuughhhhhh#she really is my chew toy.#i also think alot about her sky mafia years but those r fun and sexy little secrets for me#as much as i love Basil's motw campaign i do with it was easier to unentangle her from tma lore.#bc like. normal vampire works well but it loses so much of the flavor. various sea beasts keep the flavor but loose the morality.#for pathfinder if i were to redo her id go with storm oracle and then spec into kineticist. which does work Ok I Guess.#but like. even that its still not what i want#one scene that probably would've never happened in game but i thought ahout if we ever went back to the item storage or maybe a wierd thrift#shop or something was to like. have her come across a violin and pick it up and make it scream horribly. like. really concentrate on making#it make the worst noise imaginable. shes trying to reach that wonderful horrible music avatars mention alot in the earlier seasons#and then realizes everyone else Hates That So Much and jokingly play one of the devil's riffs from tdwdg. tbh i should finally draw that
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Sorry for the Elden Ring spam this game has just consumed my entire being
#i also can't sleep and apparently my brain thinks scrolling through the er tag is gonna fix that#i am just soooooo obsessed with the game. the lore. the characters. the gameplay. everything#its so annoying too cause like i was making good progress in my other games like dmc5 insomniac spiderman sa2 p5r#<- apologies if this shows up in those tags lol#but nope! every time i think im getting somewhere with them er just pops into my head like hey you wanna play me so bad 😏#the game of all time i need the dlc to come out soon#OH and rip my totk playthrough i havent touched the game since june think i still have botw fatigue tbh#i will get back to it and beat it some day#but for now im just mentally ill over this game 😭#particularly two red headed sword ladies (related they are) and my tarnished oc#“oh cool prince do you have a new elden ring oc thats aweso-” its riku 🚶#always that fucker 🚶#BUT i am thinking of making an actual original er oc#we'll see#but yeah sorry again lol well aware that most of my mutuals prob have no clue wtf im talking about 😭#it will happen again though won't lie this game has me in a god damn chokehold
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