#im not currently in the position to be able to get a therapist so for now im just gonna leave this question here in the tags and if anyone

[lovsome]

..

[arfidmeals]

Do you have any tips or advice on how to improve things as someone with arfid? I pretty much only eat 4 different foods. (apple, english muffins, pasta, strawberry yoghurt)

I don't have a professional diagnosis but was told by several professionals that they think I have it. (I do have a professional diagnosis of autism and anorexia and other mental illnesses). so I also have some typical anorexia fear foods like chocolate, pizza, icecream, candy. (I know pasta and bread are typically most peoples fear foods too, but it's all I can eat)

I'm afraid of getting professional help as I have before many times, and several dieticians try to force feed mee foods that I genuinely don't like and that make me gag. They also threaten impatient care, which I know would make me much worse. They have very strict rules on what foods you need to eat or else they'll tube feed you, and I'll be hours away from home and away from my carer, I have severe separation anxiety so this would be so much worse for me.

Do you have any advice or tips on how I can do this at home? I don't think I'll ever be "recovered," but I want it to get better than this. Anything that you've found helpful maybe. Thank you :)

hi! im also in a similar-ish scenario (no formal diagnosis, though im diagnosed with autism and have talked abt ARFID w/ therapists and my psychiatrist. not in a position to currently receive professional help)

before i get into what’s helped me, i feel like i should mention that i believe connecting with an online dietician is an option (?). i’ve never personally done this, but you could probably get the advice + coping strategies aspect without worrying about seeing someone in person, or being threatened physically with food.

now, as someone who’s largely had to deal w/ arfid without direct professional help, i’d say there are a few stages of severity i cycle through w/ it that inform what actions i feel i can or need to take.

at its worst, the best thing you can do for arfid is stock up on supplements and safe foods, conserve your energy, and make life as easy for yourself as possible in the meantime. if i’m only able to eat one or two singular foods (and not meals), i’ll make sure to do that (no matter how ‘unhealthy’ they may be) enough times in the day as to not feel like i’m starving. on these days, its important to rest as much as you can and find products that can get you the vitamins and minerals your body needs. drinks are easier for me than pills for me a lot of the time, so i go through a lot of nutritional drinks/meal replacement shakes. stuff like Boost or Ensure (though i personally go for Boost bc i like that it just tastes like chocolate milk. there are other flavors though).

on more normal days, i think my pool of safe food options is a bit more than yours seems to be, but all in all your options seem like they’d be easier than most to try expanding upon. english muffins, for example—you typically spread stuff on those right? so even if you’ve been eating them plain, trying different versions of it might open you up to new options. maybe jelly/jam? or peanut butter?

one of my safe foods is also pasta. i very much cannot eat red sauce, so i thought for a while that i’d have to eat it plain. but turns out, i actually really like alfredo! if that doesn’t appeal to you, there are a bunch of different ways of preparing pasta in more subtle ways (like a nice garlic sauce, or adding parmesan cheese) to add a little more to your dish. there’s also something to just trying different pasta shapes! even if it doesn’t make a nutritional difference, it gets you more used to trying new things.

hard agree on the strawberry yogurt as well—the way that I upped my yogurt experience was adding granola and eating fruit on the side (or mixed in, but i personally was not fond of the texture). granola also comes in a lot of different flavors and can make a great snack on its own, so you can play around with that. i’ve also found that trying new yogurt flavors from the same brands i’m used to tends to be easier. you can just buy one little thing of yogurt and if you don’t like it it’s no big deal you never have to eat it again and can go directly back to your usual yogurt ! there’s also strawberry yogurt shakes that i like that have some extra protein in them and don’t taste any different than normal yogurt (i think the brand’s stonyfield? though you can probably find others).

all in all, a lot of arfid recovery is getting slowly used to trying new things. it doesn’t even have to be directly food related. psychologically, putting yourself in new situations (no matter how small the differences may be) will help you later down the line when it comes to trying the same with food. the best thing you can do is keep yourself calm in the process. do new things with friends or family, try a bite off another person’s plate, watch something fun or comforting while eating, distract yourself entirely, etc.

i’ve also found that working on my mental health in general helps with my ability to expand my foods. hanging out with people more often, for example, makes it easier to steal a bite of popcorn or try a new fruit at the dining hall. having someone there to support you feels good—a friend of mine started a bit where whenever i try a new food she shows me a cute picture of a kitten, stuff like that is actually pretty good incentive (“try this new food with me! no pressure if you don’t like it!” helps me bc it’s like im doing it for someone other than myself). you can do the ‘kitten pics’ thing for yourself too—basic reward stuff like getting a little prize every time you meet a goal. there are a ton of executive functioning strategies in general that i’ve also found work okay for arfid!

[vorpalfae]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi hi im starting to question if i have depersonalization disorder? My body feels present but my mind isnt? Idk how to explain my mind is always fuzzy and i have bad memory it also feels like im not myself but i get random snaps of reality? Idk im not sure its starting to mess w me and idk who to ask bc i dont have a therapist

I just i get some shed of light＾＾ thank u for reading!

Hi hello! :33

Well, we understand depersonalization as a symptom which can be an aspect of a bunch of different mental illnesses! We don’t really know about specifically depersonalization disorder… do you mean maybe DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) disorder?

Depersonalization can be a symptom in a lot of different illnesses. Um, we can’t diagnose you and we won’t ever claim to! But we can pass along some info and resources on DPDR disorder and depersonalization specifically so you can do your own research!!

(Gonna plug our own infographic on depersonalization vs. derealization!)

Um, as far as we understand, having a bad memory isn’t necessarily a sign of depersonalization in and of itself. There’s a bunch of reasons why someone might feel foggy, hazy, and fuzzy and have poor memory or lots of memory issues! >w<

We know you said you currently don’t have a therapist, but if your symptoms are starting to cause you distress, it may be time to look into finding one! Let us know if you need help, and if you tell us the country you live in, we can try to help you find links to therapy resources in your area!! Therapy is really really important for folks struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses. We’re not saying therapy works for everyone 100% of the time, but if you haven’t already brought your concerns up to a therapist, it may be a good idea to do so! :3

Good luck with everything! We personally know how scary it can be to grapple with symptoms of mental illness without support or answers as to what you’re going through >_<” but we hope you’re able to find the support you need very soon!

💚 Ralsei and 🌸 Margo

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[violentviolette]

As a fellow aspd haver, what questions would you ask a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to see if they’re “safe” to be honest with and what are some green flag answers. I feel like some red flag answers are obvious but overall, I need help and yet am anxious to try to get real help for some of these symptoms in case they’re ableist. I used to think I could tell when people were genuine and then someone pulled the rug out under me and now everyone looks like a villain waiting for me to slip up. (The current big brother culture is partially to blame). Tried to fix myself by myself and then ended up with more problems.

honestly for me what's worked is being very direct during intake and when choosing who to see but never actually using the words "aspd/antisocial/clusterb/narcisst/ect." personally, i like to avoid what i call "soft daycare types" or like, very overly "empathetic" and caring therapists who speak very gently and are focused more on supporting and showing care. those kinds of soft doe eyed people just Do Not work for me and actively worsen the process for me. i cant and dont take them seriously and i lie constantly to them and make no progress. these are also usually the ones most likely to deeply buy into the anti-cluster b stigma and mentalities so it kind of kills two birds with one stone so usually when i do intake i'll say something like "i dont do well with an overly empathetic or kind approach, i find im not as honest and cant be as open about my struggles. do you have someone who is more of a straight shooter who wont pull punches with me? it helps me a lot more to be challanged in my thought process than to be unconditionally supported"

i find that those therapists are the least likey to buy into that stuff and not be as overly focused on empathy. but honestly the biggest thing and my biggest advice is to just never use those exact words. cluster b shit has honestly become such buzzwords with so much baggage they're actively harmful to ur treatment if u use them but u can talk about ur symptoms and get help for them without ever using those words so i just dont. when i wanna talk about my anger, i dont say narc rage or aspd rage, i just say rage. when i want to talk about a narc crash, i just call it a self esteem spiral. when i want to talk about lacking empathy, i just describe the experience. i say "i dont understand, i cant put myself in that position, i struggle to see things from others perspective, i cant connect emotionally like that so i need to be able to connect logically and figure out how to navigate the situations when they happen"

like literally, it will honestly do u so so much more good to focus on the actual specifics of the emotions and the words ur looking for and describing them out long form than using shorthand words. and not just helpful to avoid stigma like it will genuinely help u to get used to identifying the core emotions underneath and being able to articulate them. that's called emotionally literacy and it's genuinely one of the most helpful beginning steps.

in therapy using shorthand buzzwords and pre-established stuff like "aspd rage/narc crash/splitting/ect." can actually work against u during recovery. not only are there no definitive definitions and so they're extreamly vague and everyone has a different understand of what they mean, we can also become reliant on these shorthand titles and use them to avoid looking the uncomfortable underlying emotions and specific causes in the eye, which is a negative coping strategy that will hamper progress. dissecting these feelings down to their bare bones core and having the words and language to identify them is an extreamly important part of being able to fix things, because u cant fix something until u both understand what ur looking at and know how it goes back together

[cambria-writes]

So a lot of things have happened right

Tl;dr I have a few undiagnosed chronic issues that I’ve been trying to resolve with my GP for a few years. It’s been a medical investigation basically. Going over shit that’s been dismissed before it looked over to try and—well whatever, my point is that it’s a lot.

One of my biggest problems is chronic fatigue. I think I’m so close to getting a diagnosis and proper treatment. But in the meanwhile, the least bit of stress will set off a whole immune response. As you can imagine, this is not conducive to working 20-30 hours a week!

And while my boss seemed to have understood this last year when he offered me a work from home position, he clearly has not understood that I am chronically ill and that my therapist is actually not too fond of me working at all, let alone working for him.

And yesterday this. This—this idiot decides it’s appropriate to demand I work, physically, in office, four days a week. Which is at best 1h30 away from home by public transit, or a $100 round trip with an Uber. I do not drive.

(This previously was less problematic given that my father, who works with me, would pick me up and drop me off the days I did go in. But he is currently on extended medical leave to recover from surgery (nothing major, a partial knee replacement, and he’s doing very well!) and therefore I do not have an accessible way to get to work.)

So I’m waiting to talk with a doctor today to get rules as unfit for work—which, at the moment, I very much am. This is something that can be revisited in a year if needed, once I hopefully get a dx and treatment.

And then tomorrow—“Hope to see you on Monday”, ya sure will bud—I am going to hand in my resignation and go out for jobs with a friend, which another friend has offered to pay for. So.

Another tl;dr my boss is an ableist asshole, im quitting, and hopefully I can stop being a chronically tired bitch soon but mostly I’m hoping to be able to finish all the god damn fics I have lmao

Love u guys 🥺

[aspd-culture]

is it worth it to look into aspd diagnosis? or treatment? ive been questioning it a lot, considering the only person ive ever related to properly about mindset shit has dxed aspd and is convinced i have it. but does diagnosis/treatment really help much? (my roomate currently isnt in therapy, idk if the blog admin is but if anyone reading is maybe they could weigh in?) is it actually worth the hassle and label to get dxed if im pretty good at forcing myself to do shit and act "appropriately" anyway? theres shit other people in my life consider genuine issues, but i dont care myself for it or how they feel about it so itd be a big show in and of itself just making myself get in to see someone. if its not going to do anything for someone treatment resistance id rather just keep on how im going instead.

Oof, tough question. As a disclaimer, I am not a professional and I cannot give medical advice. The following is not in any way an attempt to sway your medical decisions, nor an attempt to discourage anyone from getting help.

I am personally professionally diagnosed and actively in therapy once a week, where I openly discuss my symptoms of ASPD with both my therapist and my psychiatrist.

First off, I definitely think that if someone with ASPD is advising you to look into it, that it is at least worth privately researching. That goes double if you find yourself relating heavily to them in ways you do not relate to prosocials (people without ASPD). Whether or not you have it, and whether or not you decide to seek a diagnosis and/or treatment, understanding this disorder and yourself better are never bad things. If you choose not to seek treatment at this time, knowing what you have or think you have (after a lot of research from many sources!) can lead you to developing safe and healthy coping mechanisms that can avoid you and your loved ones ending up negatively affected by your symptoms.

The question of if it's worth getting diagnosed is a tough one, and again I need to stress this is not medical advice, it is just my opinion. ASPD is a heavily stigmatized and misunderstood diagnosis. If you do not know your providers well, you could end up getting yourself into a situation where a doctor with stigma against ASPD may push you towards emergency treatment that you do not require. They shouldn't, and it's not legal for them to let their bias get in the way of their patients' lives, but it does happen.

If you are going to pursue diagnosis, I strongly advise taking it slowly and only doing so once you have built a strong relationship with your therapist. Mentioning your roommate's diagnosis without in any way implying you relate to their symptoms is a great way to slowly see how they feel about ASPD and make sure you are not entering yourself into an unsafe situation where they may abuse their power.

That said, even if you have a good provider, there are other repercussions to having a diagnosis to think about. The likelihood of adopting children is very low. The likelihood of being able to work in certain fields may be slim to none depending on your area's specific laws about private medical information. In some places, some jobs are allowed to require a full mental health workup from you including your diagnoses. Many of these jobs will not hire someone with ASPD. This is unlikely to affect you at a desk job, but very likely to affect you if you want to work in any caregiving position, or even around animals.

Additionally, if you are ever a defendant in court for any reason, the cards are considerably stacked against you if you are diagnosed with ASPD, even if you did not do anything wrong. The assumption is likely to be that you are guilty and/or a flight risk.

This is definitely not a diagnosis that, in the current state of the world, you want to be open about at work, with landlords, etc. There is little to no social accommodations for ASPD anyway, so keep this diagnosis on a need to know basis if you get it, for your own safety.

Because of all of this, if you are currently able to control your symptoms, you may want to consider if it is worth pursuing diagnosis.

That said, you do not need a dx to get help with symptoms. I honestly think everyone with the privilege to do so should try therapy unless they have particular reasons not to. It has been seriously helpful in my life, as someone with reasonably good control over my symptoms, because it lets me deal with the PTSD that caused the ASPD, and if I really get bothered by a symptom, or someone in my life does and I have nothing else to talk about, it's a safe place to get into that too.

No one ever said you have to tell your therapist everything. It's best to most times, because they are bound by confidentiality, but if you want to go there and only talk about specific things and never bother mentioning certain symptoms, that is an option. In fact, there are many therapists who prefer to work on symptoms directly as opposed to labeling things with diagnoses.

I personally found value in getting diagnosed, even weighed against the risks, because I needed to know what exactly was going on with me and have that confirmed by a professional. If you don't find value in that, there are therapists that agree with you.

Many therapists will have you make goals for therapy, but you can even walk into your intake with those goals and your philosophy on how you want to be helped and find out from day one if that therapist and you are a match in that regard. I would advise anyone looking into therapy to do their own research and find a therapist with good reviews and preferably who deals in the type of therapy you're interested in. I would say that anyone with trauma would likely have better experiences if they only work with trauma/PTSD specialized therapists, as to avoid a lack of trauma informed care.

At the end of the day it's your decision, but I found it can really help the balancing act of pretending to be normal if you have someone who is paid good money to let you unmask, talk openly about your symptoms and feelings on others, and get some advice that might make the whole controlling your symptoms thing easier in ways you didn't expect or think of.

Personally, I think the only way therapy would not help you is if the therapist you talk to is a bad match - and that's coming from someone who swore for many years that I would never go to therapy, and then when I tried it and got a bad match, gave up on it for a year. I'm glad I went back.

[komaedamizuki]

for reasons this season holds bad feelings for me

had an uncomfortable dream about the person I'm still mad at and like. it was uncomfortable because it keeps showing me that i miss her and i just want her to fucking apologize. i miss our stupid inside jokes. there was an advertisement video for one of her projects in my dream and i made a joke about the character featured in it. i felt so happy about the prospect of inviting her back into my life because she apologized in that dream.

but im still mad because i was supposed to play the role of "the stable, sensible one" and the moment i snap under the pressure of pretending to be a person who doesn't exist anymore im a "sociopath". all double standards. i never called her a psycho before during her crisis moments/mental breakdowns. so why did i get that treatment?

she abruptly leaves the room to calm down and leaves behind an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone still present and that's supposed to be okay but when i do the exact same i get "so is my entire visit here going to be like this? are you going to act like this the entire time?"

or how i warned that i "wouldn't be a good host" if i had to host visitors while also working during the day because of (unbeknownst to me at the time) autistic burnout but when plans were getting muddy she said "I don't care if you're not a good host" which would've been a lie due to the aforementioned crisis moment that actually happened above

I was going through crisis at the time and she thought she would be able to cheer me up so much that it would fix my undermedicated sick brain and make me the cheery old me again. and when that didn't work she threw a fit.

as an autistic person she should understand how fucking exhausting it is to mask too but no, i was expected to perform an act 100% of the time for her. i knew i was masking and stayed up later at night to be alone to compensate, but didn't realize i was masking to fit her role that she made for me. she expected me to be perfect and understanding and functioning and not get nervous in the grocery store when people can just walk up behind you and you need your comfort person to get through the store without crying or throwing up. it actually was tense the entire time. it was and i didn't realize it. i didn't realize i was wearing a costume of myself the entire fucking time she came to visit.

and she thought i wasn't making quick enough progress with my current therapist of 4.5 years so she was all too willing to suggest that I get a new one and undo all the progress i made. because i wasn't performing up to her stupid made up double standards. she's allowed to break down and I'm not. and i never wanted her to fucking save me, but she wanted to save me and then got mad when she couldn't fix me. all i wanted was a friend to bitch and complain to without wanting her to fucking fix me. hero complex ass. toxic positivity ass.

[jinhyun]

Girl… when I say the title of this chapter I knew I had to prepare my heart and I was so very right. I had to read that chapter twice… my heart broke both times. I know this is necessary but still I cried a little. Hyunjin has so much to work through and I think y/n does too honestly… what they had wasn’t healthy.

Y/N is so so so right, she deserves more then what jinine is willing to offer right now and her line “Not when my heart is the one at stake" … hit home for me. Im glad my girl is willing to stand up for herself and protect her heart.

My heart does ache for Hyunjin tho, I will give him that. His confusion and fear of commitment is valid but it’s unfair of him to want y/n to sit around while he figures it out. He needs to do some deep soul searching maybe see a therapist 😂… and get it together. Then come back to y/n when his intentions are clear and he knows what he wants. I mean him not even being able to say that a exclusive relationship with y/n is a possibility is just so absurd. She said it best “You can't have everything, Hyunjin"

This line makes me anxious for whats to come… “He wanted to scream at him, ask him why the hell he had done it and ruined what the two of you had just like that, but that could wait” like I don’t wanna see Felix get yelled at he is trying to be a good friend to everyone and doesn’t wanna see either of his friends get hurt. It’s got to be such a hard position to be in… stuck in between two friends who do nothing but hurt each other

Overall this chapter was heartbreaking and beautiful. It was real and raw and made me emotional in all the right ways I can not wait to see whats next. Hopefully Minho and y/n’s reconciliation and reunion is in the works cause she definitely needs her friends after that roller coaster. Plus I feel like Minho would be proud of her for standing up for herself like she did.

You are a FANTASTIC writer and Water Color is currently my favorite fanfic on tumblr rn!!

I adore you!!!

🌻

you read it twice? 🥺 you cried?? 🥺

it took a lot of time and effort on her end, but she finally did what's best for her and her heart, so good for her :(

for real, it's okay for him to be confused but he can't expect y/n to just wait around for him during the time it takes for him to figure it out. she doesn't deserve to be dragged into this when all she wants is to be loved.

let's hope lixie won't get yelled at nor will their friendship be ruined over this 😭 he just found himself in a shitty position while wanting the best for both his friends :( he didn't mean any harm...

she does need her friends after all this... and i feel like she needs minho the most now, especially after having lost him over defending hyunjin... hopefully they'll make up soon 🥺 he would indeed be very proud of her.

thank you SO MUCH omg you have no idea how much it means to me 😭 can't believe it's currently your fav fic, tysm :(

[harrystylescherry]

Life update:

So i just want to give u all a little rundown of what im dealing with rn bc i want to be on more and i want to write more but my life is in…shambles and so i will most likely be unpredictable and maybe not able to keep any promises i make lol

So, currently im working 6 days a week at a job i HATE and waiting to hear bsck from a writer position that i had a final interview for AND am activrly looking for new, better jobs :) also never dealt with my grief so i am spiraling a little bit and have been having really awful dreams. ALSO a death that close to me triggered major anxiety??? And its all i can think about now in really intrusive ways, so i am now looking for a therapist bc people in my life are getting concerned. OH AND my parents decide now that they might actually follow through with the divorce? And i am my mothers confidant which i know isnt exactly healthy but im the eldest daughter so…we know how that goes. Its just adding MORE stress to everything else im dealing with and im essentially just waiting for shit to hit the fan bc my father is extremely unstable and angry sooo it wont be good after the holidays :)

So yeah if im flaky or like not following through on shit or whatever…please go easy on me :) im really trying the best i can right now

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

[honeyjaez]

Trigger warning: Suicide and deteriorated Mental health

I want to preface this post by saying at this current moment I am not in a good headspace, the last 6 months, my life has been divided by good and bad days and today is one of those days.

Some of you who know me somewhat or have followed me for a while might have noticed my extended hiatus from this app. I graduated college with the promise of bringing so much back to my page but was undelivered.

About 6 months ago, at the end of November, was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that had left me in incredible pain. At the beginning before I got medicine for it, the pain was so excruciating that I could hardly breathe. I was unable to leave my bed when the pain was at its worse and it was just non stop, day after day. Just living was painful.

I finally got on some form of medicine I take everyday for it at the beginning of the year and I thought life was going to start turning around. I took emergency leave of absence from work to allow time for the medicine to start working in my body. And for a while…it worked. I was still in pain, but the pain was diluted and instead of being agonizing, it was more of an annoyance. I thought I could live with this even if it was everyday.

But now that I’ve been on my medicine for a few months, I’m starting to feel worse again. Almost like the medicine I was so thankful for, suddenly stopped working. The pain is getting worse and worse and all I can do is lay back in bed and just try and think positive thoughts.

But it’s almost like a game of endurance. Whatever side can endure longer wins. And I’m terrified I’m on the losing spectrum. It’s not just physically now beating me, but mentally too. More times than I would like to admit, have I thought im better off just dead and trying over in the next life- especially in those early days.

I know I can’t. Honestly, and truthfully I’ve already tried once (long ago) and learned I am unable to follow through with it so that is what it is.

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great days, yesterday we got stray kids tickets which I was super happy for. And I’ve had other days where the pain is bearable and I’m able to live, but in my mid 20s dealing with this, I can’t help but think “if it’s this bad now, what will it be like when I’m 30? Or 40?” My doctor has already warned me I’m not gonna have an easy life with this and I’m honestly so scared. Scared of living the rest of my life with this pain that’s non stop. Scared I’ll eventually lose the battle….I’m just so tired of being in pain.

Funny enough, I had a great day too. I went and saw the Seventeen Power of Love movie with my best friend, which I loved. But now that I’m home, I can barely move from the pain and I’m just laying in bed trying not to think about it, but In trying to get my mind off of it, I keep thinking about it.

My mom has already told me I should start seeing a therapist for this, and I agree, but until I can get in I haven’t really had a healthy way to talk about my feelings, even now I’m realizing I’ve never even allowed myself to hug someone and just let myself cry. I’ve cried to my mother yes, but it’s always been on the phone.

And then I wrestle with the gaslighting on myself where I think “Sarah, stop talking about it, it’s not like you are dying, you don’t have cancer, your life isn’t as bad as others so stop making such a big deal out of it” I find myself scared to talk about it when I’m with my friends because I feel like that’s all I’ve done to them the last few months.

I guess my only saving Grace during this is the idea that everyday is a new day for me.

I honestly don’t know anymore. And truthfully I’m not sure why I posted this on here. I guess this was my way of journaling my thoughts like my mother told me to try.

But if anyone out there is also struggling, it may not be my situation exactly, but struggling regardless….you aren’t alone. We all have our battles we are fighting and just knowing there are others out there still hanging on, even if only by a thread like me, makes me feel like I can keep going.

I’m okay, I’m a few hours I feel better after this meltdown, it’s just right now I needed to say the words I said. Thank you and I’m sorry if I triggered anyone.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[figula]

nipped home earlier to put the ocado away while ana + ben got their boosters but ocado came so early that it was a wasted journey lol o well ... moving around is good

today’s miseryblogging (oh minor cw for mentions of historic, not current, self-harm)

im annoyed w/ myself bc i was really planning on using this few days to get back on top of work, but it was such a RELIEF to just not be battling constant terror that i just sort of sank into bed and didnt move unless absolutely necessary lol.

going home properly tomorrow and i wish i could say that i felt ready or rejuvenated or whatever but i just feel pure dread at the idea tbh and im embarrassed + ashamed of this bc like... imagine being ben rn like you literally throw up once (for non-contagious reasons) and your gf goes into a panic tailspin for like 3d and literally leaves the house and goes and stays elsewhere w/o saying one word to you LMFAO like... 🧍‍♂️ i think there might have been some improvement bc the last time he threw up in like, may 2016 (CRYING THAT I REMEMBER HTE DATES) i actually self-harmed so badly we had to go to the minor injuries unit LOOOOL (AND ANA’S DAD HAD TO DRIVE ME BC I COUDLNT BE IN A CAR W/ BEN. THE SHAME OF IT ALL??) like im laughing but genuinely like the amount of stress i must put him through for this is unfathomable to me bc ive never been in that position!!! anyway nothing of that nature happened this time at all and i do suspect if this month hadn’t left me flat on my back i might have been able to cope w/ it anyway bc i wasnt really recovered from the bludgeoning force of the OCD the past month (like he had a cold a month ago and we all know what happened then, and i dont think ive been able to get myself back on track enough in the interim to cope w/ this - my biggest trigger)

i asked him just now if it makes him want to leave me and he said no, not at all, and he loves me + isn’t going anywhere (and i mean we have been together for like, 9y at this point so none of this is a shock) but like - i can understand how this kind of shit would put a serious amount of weight on teh strongest couples and i do kinda live in fear of what is going to happen as we age? like what if he gets cancer? or like some kind of long-term illness? like genuinely what the fuck then?

i know that the answer is that i actually have to WORK ON IT, but it’s so god damn hard and awful lol

what would you guys do in my position bc i feel kind of at a lost end here - like as ive said before the OCD is the one diagnosis i have that really, really encompasses my experiences, but every single time ive reached out to the NHS they dont help, cant help, or wont help. and even if they wanted to help, it would be 12 sessions of CBT, after a year+ on a waiting list.

ben wants me to take the antidepressants again; i will, bc even tho i dont particularly believe in their efficacy, i have never felt bad on them either, so i think i may as well give them a go again. ben seems pretty convinced that i was a lot better on them but i think it’s just that whatever episode i was in was naturally time-limited bc it was based on real events (i.e. him getting ill - finite) and that coincided w/ going on the meds lol. but i dont begrudge him asking me this so whatever

my other plan is to get a private ocd specialist involved but its really hard to pick one bc none of them seem to do ERP (which i believe is the more up-to-date treatment for OCD) and there are no reviews for any of them, and i really fucking wish therapist reviews were a thing

[firelord-frowny]

sad blah blah

almost unanimously, people have only ever said extraordinary or at least good things about me. anyone who’s ever seen me do anything, whether it’s writing related, music related, performance related in general, or intellect, no one has ever reacted to me with “meh.” 

i went to college on a talent based scholarship that i barely even had to apply for. literally, immediately after my audition, i somehow wound up mentioning that i had missed the deadline for the scholarship application or something. the entire panel of judges FLIPPED OUT and basically demanded that i go complete the application right away because they wanted me bad. 

in my first semester, we had to work with some local ~professional artists~ in baltimore and one of our assignments was to complete some sort of art project that explored the concept of ~refuse versus environment~ or something like that. We were supposed to complete it over the course of a week and then bring it to our next meeting with the artist. i did my project ON THE BUS while we were on our way to that meeting. I scribbled a few stream-of-consciousy paragraphs about... something lmao i don’t remember. but i read it out loud to my group and then the artist spent like a solid 15 minutes gushing about how ~in all his years of being an art professor at some of the most distinguished programs in the world, he’s never heard such an elegant and artful take on blah blah blah~. 

the president of my university???? asked me personally to come and perform at his home for fancy events with other Important People like donors and politicians and researchers??? and like. this man had a whole “60 Minutes” special about what a critical role he’s had in using education to strengthen communities. this man sat at tables with obama while he was in office. he paraded me around to other Important People and talked about what an outstanding artist i was, my sparkly personality, my ~delightful wackiness~, blah blah. 

Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR professors who were all world-class musicians at a festival i attended, singled me out as particularly gifted. the kinds of shit they were saying to me in front of everyone did not get said to anyone else. 

when i was at Tanglewood, even though i fucking sucked because i clearly hadn’t practiced all the music, all my chamber coaches STILL made sure to let me (and the other people in my groups???) know that i was the more skilled player in the ensembles. I wound up having to sit last chair at one of the concerts because there had been some miscommunication that led to the directors thinking i was leaving the program (i was super homesick and had been asking my parents to come get me), and despite that fact, after the concert, the conductor - who had never even spoken a word to me personally - made sure to hunt me down in the crowd as everyone was leaving, and tell me what an outstanding player he thought i was, and that he felt lucky to have had me in his orchestra. 

i spent a summer at Summit Chamber Music Festival in upstate new york. the skill level among the students ranged from Laughably Inept to Why Aren’t You At The Curtis Institute. I was by FAR not the worst player there, but I also definitely felt like I was nowhere near the best. But the program director specifically, deliberately placed me in the highest level orchestra, surrounded by players who were fully capable of playing shit like paganini and weiniawski and whatnot. When he wanted to put together a small chamber group, he pointedly selected me to play 1st chair. My string quintet included 3 other string players who were lightyears better than me. Yet our coach frequently turned to me to demonstrate the ~right way~ to play a lot of the more difficult passages. And like... I was the 2nd violinist lmao. It’s almost aallllways the 1st violinist that coaches will ask to demonstrate stuff for the rest of the group. but he asked me. every time. our quintet was ultimately selected to close out the entire festival, a la Saving The Best For Last. The pianist in my quintet, according to his mom, thought i was incredible. this pianist was a bona fide prodigy and he thought i was incredible.

LITERALLYYYYYY everywhere I’ve ever performed, everyone has been so impressed with me. directors of major musical organizations have always made a point to get my name and contact info because “we’ll definitely be contacting you for more work.”  

Everyone who’s ever seen me teach violin thinks I’m uncommonly good at it. i mean, i’m no galamian, duh, but apparently i’m able to get students to sound better than the average teacher can.  

everyone who read my first screenplay claimed to be floored by it. i spontaneously read some of my prose at an open mic night and uh, accidentally snatched the show right out from under the featured artists' feet. 

I used to act???? and was pretty fucking good at it?? I starred in a small handful of local plays? i was cast in ~large roles~ in everything i ever auditioned for. 

my talents in visual art are decidedly Well Above Average. 

i have such a fucking long list of things people think are outstanding about me, and an incredibly long list of people who have bothered to tell me that i’m outstanding, and it makes me feel so fucking sad and frustrated bc like....

lmao why the fuuuUUUUCCCKKKKK does it continue to be so difficult to find anyone who feels like giving me any legit career opportunities?? Even when they’re aware that i’m available?? and willing?? 

i’ll have a 10 minute conversation in which a professor or a director or a coordinator is telling me all about how impressed they are by my skills at Whatever, and how i should do This and i should do That and i should go Here and i should go There and then they ask me where i’m currently working/what i’m currently doing, and i say, “oh, you know, mostly freelance gigs and lessons as i’m looking for full time opportunities,” and then they say “cool! good luck!” and leave. 

i feel sad and confused and delusional. if im so fucking great, why aren’t people reaching back when i reach out in search of a means to earn a fucking living?? 

i know the short answer is that i still don’t ~put myself out there~ and i give up too easily. but also like... i have BEEN out there. the total positive experiences i’ve had with influential superiors over the years have been plentiful and frequent enough that SOMEBODY should have wanted me to contribute something substantial to whatever programs they represent.

and since i feel like i must be delusional and that i must not actually be such hot shit and that everyone is lying to me to spare my feelings, it makes me not even want to try harder bc i’ll wind up discovering for certain that everyone thinks i’m trash. 

what do i have to doooooooo to find The Right Opportunity other than reach out to the same people who told me how phenomenal i am? i make sure Potential Employers see/hear me being fantastic. i apply for jobs in their organization if i know they’re hiring. if i know they’re not hiring, i at least convey that i’d be interested in possibly working with them. but nobody reaches back.

i’m so good at things and i feel like a fucking deadbeat loser lmaoooooo

maybe they don’t actually know that i’m fucking jobless??? lmao maybe they’re assuming that i must already be active in a real career? maybe i need to literally TELL them as they’re praising me, “i’m unemployed and i need a job, do you know of any full time opportunities you could point me to?” but i feel like people think it’s a ~red flag~ when a potential employee doesn’t already have a steady job??? but also... how the fuck is anyone ever supposed to get a steady job if nobody’s willing to hire them because they don’t have a steady job???

i feel Stupid and i think that whenever i finally get the fucking resolve to start therapy again, i’m gonna just show this whole ass rant to my therapist. 

[gemsofthegalaxy]

yaaaalllllll im so stressed

my contract working in research just got renewed (yay) and i got like $1 more an hour which adds up and is pretty standard which is nice. and i like, like, most of the job

but today i was looking at our job board and there's another position that only requires a BA degree, in student support........ and it pays waaaaaaay better. and i've been kinda considering trying to switch into something like student support or maybe going back to school for library, because while i DONT want to be a therapist, i do like helping people out and just sort of being a resource for people

however, i have a lot of stuff going on rn, including at work, and a lot of the projects are very mid-way so i feel like this is one of the least ideal times for me to be switchin.. tho tbh we're always strapped for Capacity and everything is always a strain and/or a scramble to get things done (which is..... part of what I DONT like about this job??? idk i wish projects just went more smoothly and were more organized...) so i'd feel suuuuper guilty to switch rn 😬 plus i'm terrified that, if i got this new job, i would actually like my current one better and i won't be able to just go back.

ughhhhhhh