#im not currently in the position to be able to get a therapist so for now im just gonna leave this question here in the tags and if anyone

[lovsome]

..

[savi-our]

Anti-Harem with OP Mage MC pt. 3 ft. Horrortale

Its 3 am- This... this is over 3k words.... I'm both cooking and cooked apparently bc this is even longer and more detailed than the last part, I honestly dont know what came over me. The ending is a bit rushed and im posting this half asleep and barely able to make sense of whether or not any of this is actually good but i wanted to post it before going off to sleep - i do hope you enjoy it though, even if by this point im not sure you can call it an anti harem... maybe ill explore that bit more in the next part.... (p.s. i would love love looove to hear you guy's thoughts on what ive cooked up here so please leave a comment if youre inclined to <3)

Part 1 Part 2

It had been a few weeks since the attack on the monster settlement and your work kept you busy. Black and Mutt had both been a welcome new change as far as your experience in monsters went, the three of you seemed to grow closer by the day - sharing the mutual burdens of your job whenever you had any amount of free time. You and Black formed a good professional relationship, often sharing insights on the progress of monster integration into the world outside, and Mutt - albeit avoidant, seemed to develop an interest in watching you whenever he thought you wouldn't notice. He even sometimes visited you whenever his brother had been busy, coming to your office to slump on your couch and waste away his free time, scrolling through his phone and trying not to get caught staring at you while you filed away paperwork.

It was on a particularly early morning that you had arrived at your office, still dazed from your lack of sleep when a new case appeared at your desk. You rarely did personal requests, but this one you could hardly refuse as it had come from one of the joint rulers of the Underground. 

Queen Toriel summoned you, and you listened as she told you her concerns about a particular percentage of her population having an especially difficult time with the integration process. You picked up on the finer details of her request - unspoken words to her plea.

You were aware of the spatial anomaly that had caused the particular brand of chaos that was currently plaguing Monsterkind, a rift that had caused a collision of alternates and pulled them all here. It was a guarded secret among the higher ranking officials, the details shared only to those who were known to be trusted - or to those who were smart enough to see beyond the fragile lie. You were both you supposed, the Archmage themselves requested your insight into the matter, and you offered to consult wherever you could. It didn't surprise you that the Queen turned to you for assistance - involved as you were in the matter.

You agreed to her request, you could hardly refuse considering the high brand on the paperwork, the signature of the Archmage looped in finer print at the corner of the page. You left promptly, assigning a trusted associate of yours to man the office while you were gone, unfortunately the urgency of your task bid no time to waste so you left without notifying the two skeletons that had seemed to be stuck in your orbit as of late, but that was the nature of things when you had such a demanding position.

You were relocated into the depths of the Underground, a rather lavish apartment greeting you in the shadow of the castle of the royal families, but you had little time to waste, the faster you got to work the smoother the integration process would be.

You met with those currently overseeing the progress of the whole thing, a joint department consisting of monsters, humans and mages - social workers, professors, doctors, therapists and volunteers - all with ample experience concerning the more particular quirks that came with joining cultures and assessing risks where there were any. Your status would do you more harm than good here - you realize early on, advised by the royal court to take a more personal approach as you shed down your heavy coats and branded insignias - monsters in the underground were still rather wary of mages, especially ones as infamous as you. You took on the faux position of a well renowned inspector, and set yourself to figuring out what the problem was and how best to solve it.

It was there that you met them, two new yet rather familiar faces that were introduced to you as the spokespersons for the rebuffed population, Twilight and Dusk by name. 

Twilight was large, even by monster standards, a lean silhouette that towered over any others in the room with a set of jagged teeth and a weathered look to his eyes. His appearance however, seemed to be rather misleading. He was friendly, overly so, extending his hand to you in his introduction as he shook yours with a controlled precision, his crooked grin lifted, delighted to meet a new face among the many who were already so familiar over his long stay in the program. He was chatty, friendly even, a social butterfly that delighted in telling you about the many state of affairs that flitted about the establishment. There were some quirks however… every now and again he confused words, voiced idioms that you could hardly make sense of - something about frisbees. He had ticks, nervous habits and moments of sudden cautious anxiety that brought concerns to your mind, there were times where he seemed almost manic, a rattling in his bones as he flitted about the room as if trying to burn off excess magic, trying to keep his hands and mind occupied.

Then there was Dusk. Like his brother he was considerably larger than the average monster. He was bulkier, bigger, an imposing presence in the room that set even your nerves on edge. He seemed dangerous, more than any of the other monsters you've come across, something in your mind whispered caution as you introduced yourself. The best word you could use to describe Dusk was heavy, both literally and metaphorically. He dragged his words as if he practically pulled them from the depths of his mind, his movements were slow, weighed almost by some unforeseen force you could not comprehend, and every now and again he lost focus, a single red eyelight dilated and staring promptly into nothing. His mind was both sharp and slow at the same time, he often shared insights that were surprising in their outside perspective, he commented on things that others had passed by in their expertise - drawing attention to underlying issues that had been overlooked due to the fact that nobody had really thought of them as issues before he made comment. He had a finer eye for detail, but at the same time there were moments where he'd lose his train of thought, a byproduct of his severe head wound no doubt, words forgotten on the tip of his tongue - moments like those seemed frustrate him quite badly, his fingers pulled on his one blank eye socket in quiet irritation. On his better days he'd make offhanded puns that were rather dark in theme - cannibalism seemed to be a favorite of his. On his bad days his voice turned cold, words sharp as his grin pulled on his face almost maniacally, he was tense, guarded like a cornered dog ready to bare teeth.

It had taken you some time to get situated in your new environment, you spent your days meeting with the other monsters who shared similar ailments to both Twilight and Dusk, consulting with the people directly responsible for their integration process and finding correlations between things that worked best and those that didn't work at all. A common pattern in all of those monsters became clear days after your assignment, the heightened cases of sudden anxiety and panic attacks. It was odd to you for some reason, it wouldn't be unnatural for this particular batch of alternates to suffer from such things, considering what you knew they had gone through back in their own reality, but something about it seemed odd.

You investigated your suspicions further, repeatedly meeting monsters and doctors alike, questioning them about the intricacies of their ailments, trying to garner light on the plausible cause for the widespread issue. Twilight seemed eager to help you, he often accompanied you in your search for more information, more knowledge, and his assistance proved quite useful - when you questioned him as to why he seemed so willing to assist you, he responded with an abashed admission - a want to help the monsters who were struggling most finally see the light of day, to taste the fresh air of the outside world, they had been stuck underground for too long. He often stayed with you after hours, organizing papers and research as you delved into the mystery with a hyper focused obsessiveness. You found you always became like this, obsessive over things you could not define or explain, it was that part of you that had helped you rise in power as fast as you had, starved for answers, eager to explore and redefine the things unknown to you- it was almost nostalgic in a way.

 Twilight had a talent for filling blanks in your knowledge, unfamiliar territory as this was he often offered you more insight in the particularities of monster illnesses and behavioral patterns that you were not privy to. You often asked him for clarifications and added depth to your research and he provided them eagerly - either through his own knowledge or systematically organized interviews and research papers that were color coordinated and alphabetized neatly on your desk. He had a knack for organization that one, but you couldn't help but notice how his expression soured whenever he had to bend to lift a particularly heavy box of files off the floor - he tried to hide it, face turned away and the occasional popping of bones concealed by the clear of his throat, but you noticed. You tentatively questioned him about it one late evening, not wishing to pry more than he was comfortable with. He seemed embarrassed by your attentiveness but didn't deny it, hands clasped and pulling on his long fingers in a nervous habit. He revealed to you that the current brand of healing magic and medicine could do very little for his deteriorated state, the effect was not potent enough or so it seemed. The fact didn't sit right with you, and you decided in your mind that you could multitask.

Your research prolonged, and your frustrations grew as the answer to your questions evaded you. You began to spend more time in your office than in your pristine afforded apartment, head buried in books and rushed consultations between experts in the department. Your obsessiveness seemed to grow, and with it your attention to your health lessened, overtaken by a constant hunger for answers. That hunger seemed to replace your baser instincts however, and one particularly busy day the consequences of your declining attention to your physical state seemed to catch up with you.

 You had been on your way to another scheduled meeting with an on site surgeon, carrying a closed file with a hurried pace, you were far too absorbed in your head to notice the shake of your own fingers, or the way the corners of your vision blurred. You were so absorbed in fact, that you didn't even notice the sudden approach of Dusk from the hall across from you. You had ran right into him, nose buried in the plush of his sweater as you had your senses knocked right out of you. The contact didn't even phase him, and he had caught you by the forearm to steady you. You had apologized, noting how it was unlike you to be so distracted in your surroundings. He hadn’t seemed to mind, his large eyelight coming to a soft focus on the point of contact with your arm. 

The force of your run in with him had knocked the file you were carrying onto the ground however, and as you leaned down in your hurry to grab it the world around you spun. You lost your bearings, and your vision turned to black as you fainted, vaguely aware of the pull of someone's arms around you.

You had woken up in one of the medical rooms, an IV in your arm and a growing headache in the corner of your mind. Dusk was there too, hunched in an office chair that was far too small for his hulking frame, you would have laughed - if you hadn't felt like shit at the time that is. Your movement seemed to wake him from his zoning out, and he had leveled you with a look that you couldn't readily discern - something of a mix between worry, scrutiny and confusion. The doctor on hand had walked in to check up on you, cautioning you to pay better attention to your health, you had felt like a child, embarrassed with your own state. Dusk had sat silent next to your bed while you were being discharged, and as you stood to leave with an order to go home and get some rest from the doctor, he stood with you.

The skeleton escorted you home, a silent but unmistakable presence at your side and as you were ready to thank him and say your goodbyes at your door, he had asked you when you had last gotten something to eat - you couldn't give him a straight answer. 

He had pushed his way inside your temporary home then, and you questioned him in your confusion as he opened your fridge to find it mostly empty, he clicked his tongue, a low growling hum from the pit of his ribs as he pushed you down on your couch with a stern order to ‘wait here’

He blinked out of existence then, returning after a while with a greasy bag of food and he urged you to eat, pushing the bag in your lap despite your urge of protests. You complied, silently eating under the watchful eye of his softly dilated gaze.

From then on Dusk began to visit your office on a regular basis, bringing both you and Twilight regular meals and spending his time lounging in one of the bigger chairs available at the time, idly flipping through books. His presence seemed to anchor you, and often he knocked you out of your hyper focused state with a random pun or an offhand comment about the weather. It worked, your urgency had stilled to a healthy normal, mind clearer as both brothers had now taken to paying a keen interest in your physical condition. You still remembered the frantic lecture Twilight had given you after your little trip to the emergency room. He had begun to limit your time in the office after that, setting a healthy time table with a balanced schedule for both rest and work.

The growing connection between the three of you was plain as day, and as days passed you began to find the answers you were so desperately looking for. It was a regular day in the office when you finally solved the mystery - a calm afternoon spent in a comfortable conversation with the brothers over a cup of tea and some snacks Twilight had graciously shared. You had been brainstorming with the brothers, shooting off your theories for plausible causes when Dusk piped in with something that caught your attention. 

You almost dropped the cup of tea you had been idly cradling in your hand. Jumping up to your feet in a newly discovered frenzy, you rifled through a box of files that had been offhandedly pushed to the side, and as you flipped through a particular heavy file about dietary needs it was then that it hit you, something so simple and so overlooked - of course Dusk would have been the one to point it out. Your grin was almost manic in its excitement as the puzzle pieces finally clicked into place, and you turned to the brothers that had gathered behind you in their confusion. You pulled each of them down by their faces, placing a loud smack of your lips on both of their foreheads and watched their faces glow warm as you called them both a genius. You rushed out of the office, missing exchanged looks of embarrassment - eager to share and confirm your discovery.

It was simple really, so easy to miss in all the confusion of the spatial rift and the ongoing process of integration. It was the food that was making the monsters so sick and riddled with anxiety. Coming from a reality here there had been a significant shortage of food - the first response of the healthier populace had been to feed them, feed them as much as they wanted to eat, it was natural really. Except monster food - magical in nature had high levels of energy, too high for a population of monsters that had been previously so deprived of sustenance. It made their magic run rampant, fluctuate in its intensity with high highs and even lower lows. It was the same in humans, eating too much after starving made the patient sick and would effectively do more harm than good. The answer was right there all along, and you cursed yourself at not seeing it sooner.

Things moved quickly after that, you wasted no time to form a plan of order for a change in provisions, something less straining, human food imbued with magical properties was the natural choice. It would take time for the monster's conditions to stabilize, but after a few days on the new program you began seeing positive results. You had reported your success to the royal family and Toriel had once again summoned you for a showing of your solution. If things went as predicted, the rebuffed population would soon show results of steady improvement, they would finally be prime and ready for the further relocation process.

The queen had thanked you for your service and had shown you a rather unexpected act of kindness in doing so, inviting you over to her rooms for a private tea party where you both conversed not like high mage and ruler, but as two troubled souls with the weight of the world on each of your shoulders. It was pleasant, if not a bit awkward on your part, but Toriel seemed to have a knack for making someone feel welcome.

It was a couple of days before your departure that you had invited the skeleton brothers to your apartment for a celebration dinner, you had surprised them with a meal of your own making. Expertly following the guide of their new diet you had imbued it with your own magic, the fact seemed to fluster the brothers for some reason, but they were unwilling to comment as to the reason why. 

The evening trailed off in shared conversation, and as the hour grew late, the mood slightly sombered, it seemed like both Twilight and Dusk had something they had been meaning to confess for a while now, but it had never seemed like the right time. You had a feeling you knew what it was about - they weren't aware of just how much you knew about their past -you had been pretending to be a high ranking inspector after all, a secret as big as alternate realities wouldn't be handed off to someone as low down the hierarchy as that.

It was then that they opened up to you, a cautious whispered admission of their past sins, sins bred out of desperation and grief. In a moment of your own vulnerability you told them you knew, you knew and understood. You reassured them that it didn't change your opinion of them, you shared gentle words of encouragement, soft admissions of your own grief filled memories. 

You would not judge them for their past, because you saw in them a desperate wish for a better life, a fragile hope that they could learn to become monsters capable of loving themselves. 

Perhaps it was wrong, out of all the people in the world it was you who were the greatest threat to their continued existence. You realized you held their fragile future in your scarred hands, and decided to trust in the goodness in their souls.

[arfidmeals]

Do you have any tips or advice on how to improve things as someone with arfid? I pretty much only eat 4 different foods. (apple, english muffins, pasta, strawberry yoghurt)

I don't have a professional diagnosis but was told by several professionals that they think I have it. (I do have a professional diagnosis of autism and anorexia and other mental illnesses). so I also have some typical anorexia fear foods like chocolate, pizza, icecream, candy. (I know pasta and bread are typically most peoples fear foods too, but it's all I can eat)

I'm afraid of getting professional help as I have before many times, and several dieticians try to force feed mee foods that I genuinely don't like and that make me gag. They also threaten impatient care, which I know would make me much worse. They have very strict rules on what foods you need to eat or else they'll tube feed you, and I'll be hours away from home and away from my carer, I have severe separation anxiety so this would be so much worse for me.

Do you have any advice or tips on how I can do this at home? I don't think I'll ever be "recovered," but I want it to get better than this. Anything that you've found helpful maybe. Thank you :)

hi! im also in a similar-ish scenario (no formal diagnosis, though im diagnosed with autism and have talked abt ARFID w/ therapists and my psychiatrist. not in a position to currently receive professional help)

before i get into what’s helped me, i feel like i should mention that i believe connecting with an online dietician is an option (?). i’ve never personally done this, but you could probably get the advice + coping strategies aspect without worrying about seeing someone in person, or being threatened physically with food.

now, as someone who’s largely had to deal w/ arfid without direct professional help, i’d say there are a few stages of severity i cycle through w/ it that inform what actions i feel i can or need to take.

at its worst, the best thing you can do for arfid is stock up on supplements and safe foods, conserve your energy, and make life as easy for yourself as possible in the meantime. if i’m only able to eat one or two singular foods (and not meals), i’ll make sure to do that (no matter how ‘unhealthy’ they may be) enough times in the day as to not feel like i’m starving. on these days, its important to rest as much as you can and find products that can get you the vitamins and minerals your body needs. drinks are easier for me than pills for me a lot of the time, so i go through a lot of nutritional drinks/meal replacement shakes. stuff like Boost or Ensure (though i personally go for Boost bc i like that it just tastes like chocolate milk. there are other flavors though).

on more normal days, i think my pool of safe food options is a bit more than yours seems to be, but all in all your options seem like they’d be easier than most to try expanding upon. english muffins, for example—you typically spread stuff on those right? so even if you’ve been eating them plain, trying different versions of it might open you up to new options. maybe jelly/jam? or peanut butter?

one of my safe foods is also pasta. i very much cannot eat red sauce, so i thought for a while that i’d have to eat it plain. but turns out, i actually really like alfredo! if that doesn’t appeal to you, there are a bunch of different ways of preparing pasta in more subtle ways (like a nice garlic sauce, or adding parmesan cheese) to add a little more to your dish. there’s also something to just trying different pasta shapes! even if it doesn’t make a nutritional difference, it gets you more used to trying new things.

hard agree on the strawberry yogurt as well—the way that I upped my yogurt experience was adding granola and eating fruit on the side (or mixed in, but i personally was not fond of the texture). granola also comes in a lot of different flavors and can make a great snack on its own, so you can play around with that. i’ve also found that trying new yogurt flavors from the same brands i’m used to tends to be easier. you can just buy one little thing of yogurt and if you don’t like it it’s no big deal you never have to eat it again and can go directly back to your usual yogurt ! there’s also strawberry yogurt shakes that i like that have some extra protein in them and don’t taste any different than normal yogurt (i think the brand’s stonyfield? though you can probably find others).

all in all, a lot of arfid recovery is getting slowly used to trying new things. it doesn’t even have to be directly food related. psychologically, putting yourself in new situations (no matter how small the differences may be) will help you later down the line when it comes to trying the same with food. the best thing you can do is keep yourself calm in the process. do new things with friends or family, try a bite off another person’s plate, watch something fun or comforting while eating, distract yourself entirely, etc.

i’ve also found that working on my mental health in general helps with my ability to expand my foods. hanging out with people more often, for example, makes it easier to steal a bite of popcorn or try a new fruit at the dining hall. having someone there to support you feels good—a friend of mine started a bit where whenever i try a new food she shows me a cute picture of a kitten, stuff like that is actually pretty good incentive (“try this new food with me! no pressure if you don’t like it!” helps me bc it’s like im doing it for someone other than myself). you can do the ‘kitten pics’ thing for yourself too—basic reward stuff like getting a little prize every time you meet a goal. there are a ton of executive functioning strategies in general that i’ve also found work okay for arfid!

[lunaryfairy]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi hi im starting to question if i have depersonalization disorder? My body feels present but my mind isnt? Idk how to explain my mind is always fuzzy and i have bad memory it also feels like im not myself but i get random snaps of reality? Idk im not sure its starting to mess w me and idk who to ask bc i dont have a therapist

I just i get some shed of light＾＾ thank u for reading!

Hi hello! :33

Well, we understand depersonalization as a symptom which can be an aspect of a bunch of different mental illnesses! We don’t really know about specifically depersonalization disorder… do you mean maybe DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) disorder?

Depersonalization can be a symptom in a lot of different illnesses. Um, we can’t diagnose you and we won’t ever claim to! But we can pass along some info and resources on DPDR disorder and depersonalization specifically so you can do your own research!!

(Gonna plug our own infographic on depersonalization vs. derealization!)

Um, as far as we understand, having a bad memory isn’t necessarily a sign of depersonalization in and of itself. There’s a bunch of reasons why someone might feel foggy, hazy, and fuzzy and have poor memory or lots of memory issues! >w<

We know you said you currently don’t have a therapist, but if your symptoms are starting to cause you distress, it may be time to look into finding one! Let us know if you need help, and if you tell us the country you live in, we can try to help you find links to therapy resources in your area!! Therapy is really really important for folks struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses. We’re not saying therapy works for everyone 100% of the time, but if you haven’t already brought your concerns up to a therapist, it may be a good idea to do so! :3

Good luck with everything! We personally know how scary it can be to grapple with symptoms of mental illness without support or answers as to what you’re going through >_<” but we hope you’re able to find the support you need very soon!

💚 Ralsei and 🌸 Margo

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[survival-of-the-chillest]

Howdy!

10/?/24 Original text in white

12/12/24 im making edits/updates to this in blue

Ive been on tumblr since 2012 but this is a new blog specifically for my current health journey.

Im honestly not a fan of tumblr much anymore or the internet in general. I really enjoyed going out and doing things in person until my body decided to stop functioning. I’m hoping to revamp my love of tumblr and be able to socialize from my bed.

Here are some things about me:

I am in my mid 20’s but typically get along well with people older than me

im transmasc/ non-binary /who cares? Is femboy a gender?

Im the fruitiest person you will ever meet

Im married but also polyam

Neurodivergent af Autistic AF actually according to my therapists new discovery 😅

I am on EST time

I was raised Jewish and am still vaguely jewish but also kindof witchy. I AM NOT A ZIONIST LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR. That shit is FUCKED.

I am diagnosed with too many mental health issues to list tbh but most recently i was diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder which i feel encompasses all my things. I might also have other dissociative things happening apparently. Working on figuring that out

I am diagnosed with gastroparesis but its comorbid to an unknown autoimmune disease that we cant seem to figure out They figured it out (sortof)! I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that was triggered by a virus. Im officially diagnosed with Chronic EBV ( EBV=mono) because they are %99 sure thats the virus that did it according to my symptoms and way too many antibodies in my bloodwork but i have my suspicions and am trying to get a second opinion before i say %100

I was previously living on my own but now live back with my parents which has been ROUGH Its getting alot rougher and trying to apply to subsidized housing

I was raised in a conservative family in a semi-rural area where I was one of the only people of color that i knew of so my entire cultural identity has been pretty whitewashed and i hold alot of trauma about it

I was formerly an aspiring art teacher and was teaching as an assistant teacher for kindergartners. It was something I really loved until i had to resign due to my health

Hobbies/interests

ART! what kind of art? ALL OF IT!

crafts ( yes different from art in my head)

Thrifting

I collect y2k nostalgia toys (mostly furbys and carebears but my collection is honestly so huge at this point i have alot)

Cozy video games but only whatever im currently fixated on

Social card games (think CAH except not CAH , i don’t like that one after playing it 5 billion times)

Plushies

Poetry ( pls ask to read them 👉🏻👈🏻)

The Twilight Saga but in a meme way (yes im a TSP ratty🐀 iykyk)

The office

Kirby but also any cute Nintendo character tbh

Things i will be posting

Chronic illness rants and vents

Chronic illness memes

i like to make mood boards alot ( if you send me your diagnosis or any type of theme i will probably say yes)

General inquiries such as “has anyone else had this shit happen?”

Positive updates when i find things that work

Updates on my latest “stuck at home” projects

Original poetry and artwork about chronic illness/pain

Quotes i relate to as a disabled person ( will credit)

Things that will not be happening

I wont be making a DNI list , im a leftist please use common sense

Please no minors, no offence im just old

I DO NOT subscribe to what I like to call “tumblr brain rot” let me explain!

I see alot of division on here that usually comes down to two different groups of people who use identities that aren’t “typical” and people who gatekeep a community and hate anyone who doesn’t align to their way of thinking. I WILL NOT be choosing sides in any of these arguments. I think that people should identify with whatever they want . I do not care how niche it is. HOWEVER, i am horrified by some of the commentary from people with niche identities that expect others to immediately understand that identity without giving anyone a chance to understand. Nobody can ever learn to accept something you wont help them understand. I am also a firm believer that people can change and grow. Canceling someone for unforgivable behavior is one thing. Canceling someone for an honest mistake gives me the ick. Please ask yourself “ is this a pattern of behavior or something they are working on?” before making a call out post. In fact maybe we shouldn’t make call out posts about people unless they are genuinely dangerous. If its discourse exclusive to tumblr please just keep me out of it.

Activism!

Yes! If youve made it this far then you know that beyond tumblr there are BIG problems out there that internet discourse unfortunately will not solve. Im a huge follower of many activist movements but here are the ones i most interact with.

Trans rights , especially the rights of trans children and destroying the stigma around trans people being inherently sexual and dangerous to children. ( as a former trans teacher who has been thoroughly harrassed even though i was excellent at my job i have had a bone to pick with these shitheads)

Queer/POC intersectionality , i often go to panels and discussions on this matter because it is deeply personal to me as a person of color with blue hair and pronouns. I have been made fun of all my life for not conforming to Hispanic stereotypes and doing things people consider “white liberal culture”. Fun fact: not all trans people look the same.

Disability rights but also Autism Acceptance, my wife is autistic and im adhd and also physically disabled. PEOPLE DESERVE ACCOMMODATIONS. Being in a relationship with an autistic person for many years has made me very very pissed on thier behalf and on behalf of anyone who functions differently. News flash: everyone deserves to have thier needs met and that includes needs you dont understand.

recently started going to a-lot of events for Palestine. Doing a-lot of more vaguely human rights activism because im fucking exhausted with being part of like 5-6 different minorities and the new BULLSHIT in the USA. The human rights work is focused around Palestine currently for obvious reasons

I will gladly attend pretty much ANY virtual event/meeting to support these causes. I am always available to speak on my personal experience or assist with public speaking. If its an in-person event please DM me to discuss if it’s possible for me physically and logistically. ( pls note that altho i do not support isreal that the events in Palestine really hit a rough spot for me mentally because my jewish family members gosupersayan if they catch me supporting Palestine. Sometimes im in the headspace for it but other times its really triggering to remember that ive been disowned by most of my family for it) Yeah i fucking snapped in like mid November and have been going feral with the Palestine Activism. Done caring about what my toxic ass family members say

This is getting really long so im going to stop but im very extroverted so plz ask me things i need social interaction. Im actually starting to go a lil crazy from social isolation so please! I used to teach underprivileged children and i need people to care for or i’m going to perish. *taps hood of car* this puppy can hold so many energy for giving emotional support. Im very wise and good at advice. Bout to make a resume for friends 😭

[violentviolette]

As a fellow aspd haver, what questions would you ask a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to see if they’re “safe” to be honest with and what are some green flag answers. I feel like some red flag answers are obvious but overall, I need help and yet am anxious to try to get real help for some of these symptoms in case they’re ableist. I used to think I could tell when people were genuine and then someone pulled the rug out under me and now everyone looks like a villain waiting for me to slip up. (The current big brother culture is partially to blame). Tried to fix myself by myself and then ended up with more problems.

honestly for me what's worked is being very direct during intake and when choosing who to see but never actually using the words "aspd/antisocial/clusterb/narcisst/ect." personally, i like to avoid what i call "soft daycare types" or like, very overly "empathetic" and caring therapists who speak very gently and are focused more on supporting and showing care. those kinds of soft doe eyed people just Do Not work for me and actively worsen the process for me. i cant and dont take them seriously and i lie constantly to them and make no progress. these are also usually the ones most likely to deeply buy into the anti-cluster b stigma and mentalities so it kind of kills two birds with one stone so usually when i do intake i'll say something like "i dont do well with an overly empathetic or kind approach, i find im not as honest and cant be as open about my struggles. do you have someone who is more of a straight shooter who wont pull punches with me? it helps me a lot more to be challanged in my thought process than to be unconditionally supported"

i find that those therapists are the least likey to buy into that stuff and not be as overly focused on empathy. but honestly the biggest thing and my biggest advice is to just never use those exact words. cluster b shit has honestly become such buzzwords with so much baggage they're actively harmful to ur treatment if u use them but u can talk about ur symptoms and get help for them without ever using those words so i just dont. when i wanna talk about my anger, i dont say narc rage or aspd rage, i just say rage. when i want to talk about a narc crash, i just call it a self esteem spiral. when i want to talk about lacking empathy, i just describe the experience. i say "i dont understand, i cant put myself in that position, i struggle to see things from others perspective, i cant connect emotionally like that so i need to be able to connect logically and figure out how to navigate the situations when they happen"

like literally, it will honestly do u so so much more good to focus on the actual specifics of the emotions and the words ur looking for and describing them out long form than using shorthand words. and not just helpful to avoid stigma like it will genuinely help u to get used to identifying the core emotions underneath and being able to articulate them. that's called emotionally literacy and it's genuinely one of the most helpful beginning steps.

in therapy using shorthand buzzwords and pre-established stuff like "aspd rage/narc crash/splitting/ect." can actually work against u during recovery. not only are there no definitive definitions and so they're extreamly vague and everyone has a different understand of what they mean, we can also become reliant on these shorthand titles and use them to avoid looking the uncomfortable underlying emotions and specific causes in the eye, which is a negative coping strategy that will hamper progress. dissecting these feelings down to their bare bones core and having the words and language to identify them is an extreamly important part of being able to fix things, because u cant fix something until u both understand what ur looking at and know how it goes back together

[cambria-writes]

So a lot of things have happened right

Tl;dr I have a few undiagnosed chronic issues that I’ve been trying to resolve with my GP for a few years. It’s been a medical investigation basically. Going over shit that’s been dismissed before it looked over to try and—well whatever, my point is that it’s a lot.

One of my biggest problems is chronic fatigue. I think I’m so close to getting a diagnosis and proper treatment. But in the meanwhile, the least bit of stress will set off a whole immune response. As you can imagine, this is not conducive to working 20-30 hours a week!

And while my boss seemed to have understood this last year when he offered me a work from home position, he clearly has not understood that I am chronically ill and that my therapist is actually not too fond of me working at all, let alone working for him.

And yesterday this. This—this idiot decides it’s appropriate to demand I work, physically, in office, four days a week. Which is at best 1h30 away from home by public transit, or a $100 round trip with an Uber. I do not drive.

(This previously was less problematic given that my father, who works with me, would pick me up and drop me off the days I did go in. But he is currently on extended medical leave to recover from surgery (nothing major, a partial knee replacement, and he’s doing very well!) and therefore I do not have an accessible way to get to work.)

So I’m waiting to talk with a doctor today to get rules as unfit for work—which, at the moment, I very much am. This is something that can be revisited in a year if needed, once I hopefully get a dx and treatment.

And then tomorrow—“Hope to see you on Monday”, ya sure will bud—I am going to hand in my resignation and go out for jobs with a friend, which another friend has offered to pay for. So.

Another tl;dr my boss is an ableist asshole, im quitting, and hopefully I can stop being a chronically tired bitch soon but mostly I’m hoping to be able to finish all the god damn fics I have lmao

Love u guys 🥺

[aspd-culture]

is it worth it to look into aspd diagnosis? or treatment? ive been questioning it a lot, considering the only person ive ever related to properly about mindset shit has dxed aspd and is convinced i have it. but does diagnosis/treatment really help much? (my roomate currently isnt in therapy, idk if the blog admin is but if anyone reading is maybe they could weigh in?) is it actually worth the hassle and label to get dxed if im pretty good at forcing myself to do shit and act "appropriately" anyway? theres shit other people in my life consider genuine issues, but i dont care myself for it or how they feel about it so itd be a big show in and of itself just making myself get in to see someone. if its not going to do anything for someone treatment resistance id rather just keep on how im going instead.

Oof, tough question. As a disclaimer, I am not a professional and I cannot give medical advice. The following is not in any way an attempt to sway your medical decisions, nor an attempt to discourage anyone from getting help.

I am personally professionally diagnosed and actively in therapy once a week, where I openly discuss my symptoms of ASPD with both my therapist and my psychiatrist.

First off, I definitely think that if someone with ASPD is advising you to look into it, that it is at least worth privately researching. That goes double if you find yourself relating heavily to them in ways you do not relate to prosocials (people without ASPD). Whether or not you have it, and whether or not you decide to seek a diagnosis and/or treatment, understanding this disorder and yourself better are never bad things. If you choose not to seek treatment at this time, knowing what you have or think you have (after a lot of research from many sources!) can lead you to developing safe and healthy coping mechanisms that can avoid you and your loved ones ending up negatively affected by your symptoms.

The question of if it's worth getting diagnosed is a tough one, and again I need to stress this is not medical advice, it is just my opinion. ASPD is a heavily stigmatized and misunderstood diagnosis. If you do not know your providers well, you could end up getting yourself into a situation where a doctor with stigma against ASPD may push you towards emergency treatment that you do not require. They shouldn't, and it's not legal for them to let their bias get in the way of their patients' lives, but it does happen.

If you are going to pursue diagnosis, I strongly advise taking it slowly and only doing so once you have built a strong relationship with your therapist. Mentioning your roommate's diagnosis without in any way implying you relate to their symptoms is a great way to slowly see how they feel about ASPD and make sure you are not entering yourself into an unsafe situation where they may abuse their power.

That said, even if you have a good provider, there are other repercussions to having a diagnosis to think about. The likelihood of adopting children is very low. The likelihood of being able to work in certain fields may be slim to none depending on your area's specific laws about private medical information. In some places, some jobs are allowed to require a full mental health workup from you including your diagnoses. Many of these jobs will not hire someone with ASPD. This is unlikely to affect you at a desk job, but very likely to affect you if you want to work in any caregiving position, or even around animals.

Additionally, if you are ever a defendant in court for any reason, the cards are considerably stacked against you if you are diagnosed with ASPD, even if you did not do anything wrong. The assumption is likely to be that you are guilty and/or a flight risk.

This is definitely not a diagnosis that, in the current state of the world, you want to be open about at work, with landlords, etc. There is little to no social accommodations for ASPD anyway, so keep this diagnosis on a need to know basis if you get it, for your own safety.

Because of all of this, if you are currently able to control your symptoms, you may want to consider if it is worth pursuing diagnosis.

That said, you do not need a dx to get help with symptoms. I honestly think everyone with the privilege to do so should try therapy unless they have particular reasons not to. It has been seriously helpful in my life, as someone with reasonably good control over my symptoms, because it lets me deal with the PTSD that caused the ASPD, and if I really get bothered by a symptom, or someone in my life does and I have nothing else to talk about, it's a safe place to get into that too.

No one ever said you have to tell your therapist everything. It's best to most times, because they are bound by confidentiality, but if you want to go there and only talk about specific things and never bother mentioning certain symptoms, that is an option. In fact, there are many therapists who prefer to work on symptoms directly as opposed to labeling things with diagnoses.

I personally found value in getting diagnosed, even weighed against the risks, because I needed to know what exactly was going on with me and have that confirmed by a professional. If you don't find value in that, there are therapists that agree with you.

Many therapists will have you make goals for therapy, but you can even walk into your intake with those goals and your philosophy on how you want to be helped and find out from day one if that therapist and you are a match in that regard. I would advise anyone looking into therapy to do their own research and find a therapist with good reviews and preferably who deals in the type of therapy you're interested in. I would say that anyone with trauma would likely have better experiences if they only work with trauma/PTSD specialized therapists, as to avoid a lack of trauma informed care.

At the end of the day it's your decision, but I found it can really help the balancing act of pretending to be normal if you have someone who is paid good money to let you unmask, talk openly about your symptoms and feelings on others, and get some advice that might make the whole controlling your symptoms thing easier in ways you didn't expect or think of.

Personally, I think the only way therapy would not help you is if the therapist you talk to is a bad match - and that's coming from someone who swore for many years that I would never go to therapy, and then when I tried it and got a bad match, gave up on it for a year. I'm glad I went back.

[minimallycreative]

ive been saying "i dont want to be alive anymore" a lot lately, and that's untrue. I know it's untrue. i dont want to live a different life than the one im currently living. so here is a list of things that i think would signify living a life that i would enjoy living.

my own apartment. a place where all my favorite things are and are in the place where i want them. somewhere i can decorate and organize the way i think it should be. lots of colors and funny little furniture. i like the idea of thrifting as much of my furniture as i can because it's already has love in it. if the couch my sister bought and now my other sister has is still functional, i really like that couch, it's great for naps.

seeing my therapist once a week. not in the morning or the evening because ive tried to do morning therapy and i find it too hectic, and therapy after the sun goes down is a loosing battle; thats when im the most emotionally stunted.

seeing my friends regularly, in person if possible. i want my friends to live their best lives, i am hoping that i end up near enough that i can see them regularly in person. I like to be able to hold the people i love. i think my love language is physical affection.

seeing a massage therapist every so often. ive got chronic pain, and could probably benefit from someone helping me work out the knots. also, i am a crafter and often find myself hunched over in strange positions and then go to bed in also strange positions.

exercising in a way that feels good. I have chronic pain and disabilities, it would be a good thing all around to find a way to keep myself healthy that doesn't feel like a mistake later. im going to try swimming when i get back to campus, and im hoping the water helps with joint pain.

my cat. logically i know onyx can't live forever, but i dont like thinking about it, so im going to tell myself that he is going to keep living, and ill get to come home everyday to his chirps and complaints, and get to snuggle him when i go to bed. i live an hour away at school and i hate it. i want to live with my cat again.

having fun doing whatever i do for work. i hope i can find some level of enjoyment in whatever i do.

eating the food i like and not feeling guilty for eating food.

this list will change over time, but this is a good reminder that i dont actually want to kill myself, i just don't like the life i live right now. (the main thing is that i want to express myself in the way that feels right and i can't really do that right now)

[eventide-reverie]

I was randomly thinking in the middle of the night and i started thinking about me at my lowest point and now i’m crying?! I’m actually so proud of myself for clawing my way out, and i just feel so bad for 10 year old me.

I had no friends even though it was subtle, i was bullied. The other girls played this game were they would run away and say it was a game when they saw me approaching school.

My mom was working more hours than usual and i was usually at home alone with my stepfather. They were going through a rough patch in their marriage and he kept trying to use me as a therapist of sorts. He also drove me to school and often asked me questions like “does your mom love me?” When i just wanted to go to school, which says a lot considering i cried multiple times over the way other girls treated me in and out of class. Also the school didnt do shit(what a surprise)

It got to the point where i would stay cooped up in my room all day until my mom came home because he never said anything when she was around. I had a fear of my own house and my only safe place was my room where no one would ask me uncomfortable questions.

It got to the point to where my mom got me a dog to cure my loneliness and started working less to spend time with me. I think it helped. To be honest my memory goes blank around this part of my life and i cant remember much from the year other than key moments and how shitty i felt.

I remember an incident where i started losing it and started screaming my head off at a group of girls who usually tormented me lmao. Hella embarrassing now that i think about it but i really needed to get that steam off. Honestly the fact that i feel okay with sharing that incident tells me so much about my own growth.

Middleschool was a godsend(surprisingly, considering the reputation). I found friends, met my current best friend, and basically gained self worth. I was finally the first choice. Also i came out of the closet. The positive effect of being able to share my interests and actually being myself instead of some stitched on personality is crazy. Ngl had some moments here and there but thats unavoidable. Also i chopped off half of my hair(hip to shoulder). It felt oddly symbolic of me letting go, especially considering that i started letting go of the past after that and the fact that i was growing my hair out for the entirety of elementary.

Some of my elementary tormenters still try to rile me up whenever i walk past them in school and i..don’t feel much at all. All i feel is annoyance and even so, its kinda mild. I genuinely dont care anymore and thats a really nice thought when i think about it. Don’t get me wrong though, i do love flipping them off and tripping them in crowded hallways. Its just that i do it out of pettiness and boredom, not any kind of intense hatred. I do hate it when they try to pull that shit with my friends though.

I absolutely fuxking hate my stepfather lmao. He wonders why i hate him and tries to be a father figure to me as though he didnt destroy every chance he had. Too late now asshole. He still gives me money and stuff so that’s nice.

Anyways yeah now that i reflect my mental health has improved so much its actually insane. I genuinely thought about kicking the bucket when i was 10. Now i just enjoy being a menace to society. I definitely still have my moments but thats probably my fault for listening to sad music and making up really angsty scenarios for my ocs lol. Therapy? Who that? Im joking i totally shouldve gone to therapy but i was a scaredy cat.

I feel so relaxed rn its great even though im currently pulling an all nighter and i know imma be exhausted a couple hours later lol.

I feel so proud of myself and it feels kinda weird but also really soothing haha. Ok bye im gonna listen to more sad music about relationships even though ive never been in one hehehe

[komaedamizuki]

for reasons this season holds bad feelings for me

had an uncomfortable dream about the person I'm still mad at and like. it was uncomfortable because it keeps showing me that i miss her and i just want her to fucking apologize. i miss our stupid inside jokes. there was an advertisement video for one of her projects in my dream and i made a joke about the character featured in it. i felt so happy about the prospect of inviting her back into my life because she apologized in that dream.

but im still mad because i was supposed to play the role of "the stable, sensible one" and the moment i snap under the pressure of pretending to be a person who doesn't exist anymore im a "sociopath". all double standards. i never called her a psycho before during her crisis moments/mental breakdowns. so why did i get that treatment?

she abruptly leaves the room to calm down and leaves behind an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone still present and that's supposed to be okay but when i do the exact same i get "so is my entire visit here going to be like this? are you going to act like this the entire time?"

or how i warned that i "wouldn't be a good host" if i had to host visitors while also working during the day because of (unbeknownst to me at the time) autistic burnout but when plans were getting muddy she said "I don't care if you're not a good host" which would've been a lie due to the aforementioned crisis moment that actually happened above

I was going through crisis at the time and she thought she would be able to cheer me up so much that it would fix my undermedicated sick brain and make me the cheery old me again. and when that didn't work she threw a fit.

as an autistic person she should understand how fucking exhausting it is to mask too but no, i was expected to perform an act 100% of the time for her. i knew i was masking and stayed up later at night to be alone to compensate, but didn't realize i was masking to fit her role that she made for me. she expected me to be perfect and understanding and functioning and not get nervous in the grocery store when people can just walk up behind you and you need your comfort person to get through the store without crying or throwing up. it actually was tense the entire time. it was and i didn't realize it. i didn't realize i was wearing a costume of myself the entire fucking time she came to visit.

and she thought i wasn't making quick enough progress with my current therapist of 4.5 years so she was all too willing to suggest that I get a new one and undo all the progress i made. because i wasn't performing up to her stupid made up double standards. she's allowed to break down and I'm not. and i never wanted her to fucking save me, but she wanted to save me and then got mad when she couldn't fix me. all i wanted was a friend to bitch and complain to without wanting her to fucking fix me. hero complex ass. toxic positivity ass.

[jinhyun]

Girl… when I say the title of this chapter I knew I had to prepare my heart and I was so very right. I had to read that chapter twice… my heart broke both times. I know this is necessary but still I cried a little. Hyunjin has so much to work through and I think y/n does too honestly… what they had wasn’t healthy.

Y/N is so so so right, she deserves more then what jinine is willing to offer right now and her line “Not when my heart is the one at stake" … hit home for me. Im glad my girl is willing to stand up for herself and protect her heart.

My heart does ache for Hyunjin tho, I will give him that. His confusion and fear of commitment is valid but it’s unfair of him to want y/n to sit around while he figures it out. He needs to do some deep soul searching maybe see a therapist 😂… and get it together. Then come back to y/n when his intentions are clear and he knows what he wants. I mean him not even being able to say that a exclusive relationship with y/n is a possibility is just so absurd. She said it best “You can't have everything, Hyunjin"

This line makes me anxious for whats to come… “He wanted to scream at him, ask him why the hell he had done it and ruined what the two of you had just like that, but that could wait” like I don’t wanna see Felix get yelled at he is trying to be a good friend to everyone and doesn’t wanna see either of his friends get hurt. It’s got to be such a hard position to be in… stuck in between two friends who do nothing but hurt each other

Overall this chapter was heartbreaking and beautiful. It was real and raw and made me emotional in all the right ways I can not wait to see whats next. Hopefully Minho and y/n’s reconciliation and reunion is in the works cause she definitely needs her friends after that roller coaster. Plus I feel like Minho would be proud of her for standing up for herself like she did.

You are a FANTASTIC writer and Water Color is currently my favorite fanfic on tumblr rn!!

I adore you!!!

🌻

you read it twice? 🥺 you cried?? 🥺

it took a lot of time and effort on her end, but she finally did what's best for her and her heart, so good for her :(

for real, it's okay for him to be confused but he can't expect y/n to just wait around for him during the time it takes for him to figure it out. she doesn't deserve to be dragged into this when all she wants is to be loved.

let's hope lixie won't get yelled at nor will their friendship be ruined over this 😭 he just found himself in a shitty position while wanting the best for both his friends :( he didn't mean any harm...

she does need her friends after all this... and i feel like she needs minho the most now, especially after having lost him over defending hyunjin... hopefully they'll make up soon 🥺 he would indeed be very proud of her.

thank you SO MUCH omg you have no idea how much it means to me 😭 can't believe it's currently your fav fic, tysm :(

[harrystylescherry]

Life update:

So i just want to give u all a little rundown of what im dealing with rn bc i want to be on more and i want to write more but my life is in…shambles and so i will most likely be unpredictable and maybe not able to keep any promises i make lol

So, currently im working 6 days a week at a job i HATE and waiting to hear bsck from a writer position that i had a final interview for AND am activrly looking for new, better jobs :) also never dealt with my grief so i am spiraling a little bit and have been having really awful dreams. ALSO a death that close to me triggered major anxiety??? And its all i can think about now in really intrusive ways, so i am now looking for a therapist bc people in my life are getting concerned. OH AND my parents decide now that they might actually follow through with the divorce? And i am my mothers confidant which i know isnt exactly healthy but im the eldest daughter so…we know how that goes. Its just adding MORE stress to everything else im dealing with and im essentially just waiting for shit to hit the fan bc my father is extremely unstable and angry sooo it wont be good after the holidays :)

So yeah if im flaky or like not following through on shit or whatever…please go easy on me :) im really trying the best i can right now

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

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