#im not confident in everything i do outside of this blog. im still learning my partner's body and their likes and dislikes

[skye-nsfw]

How are you so confident with this stuff when you're so young?

I'm 21 and still can't really figure out what I want

i exposed myself to these concepts at perhaps too young of an age, but it did allow me the time figure out what i do and dont want. however, what u like and what u dont like changes over time, especially when u start exploring w/ people physically. i wouldnt fret about figuring out what u like or what u dont, instead i would say focus on having good, healthy experiences, and let ur curiosity drive u towards the things u like.

as for why i project confidence, it's bc i want to be. it's a part of the role i want to have in most of my dom/sub dynamics. it is also bc i feel these concepts and topics should be a normal part of everyday conversations, that they should be normalized.

of course, being horny makes that easier ;)

[egg-emperor]

Maybe that question was somewhere already, but, how your selfinsert and eggman met? What was the first Impression on each other?

Btw i ship you two because i can name no one who would understand him better than you! :D and im always happy to see you on my dash.

Omg thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you think so, that's a huge compliment with the effort I put into understanding his character and it makes me so happy that you ship us! I'm glad you enjoy my posts and I hope I can continue to deliver 😊💜

I have a lot of different first meeting scenarios that I like to daydream up and write, so I have multiple first encounter ideas of different times and ways it takes place (like depending around/during what game's events I imagine it taking place for example) so I don't set a single solid timeline or plot in stone overall. All the what ifs are endlessly fun to explore!

But there's always the same basis at least which I've talked about a bit throughout my blog but it's been a while and it could've been told better, so I'll happily share again. I like to make my s/i as accurate to me as possible, so I base it on how I came to love him in real life, biggest difference is I'm in the universe the beautiful man exists in for real!

So here we go:

I lived in a small place with a simple life that I found boring and eventful, I longed for adventure and to see more of the world but didn't have the means nor the confidence to get out there if I could. So instead I'd learn about the outside world, admire it from afar, dream of a more exciting life and just hope that it would somehow come one day.

When I was old enough to understand, I'd hear stories about Eggman and his past crimes and the latest news through my desire to learn about the world. But for as long as I'd been alive, he hadn't targeted the place I lived because it was small and insignificant, and it hadn't been caught in the crosshairs of him targeting anywhere nearby either.

But the things I heard from others with experiences before I was born and stuff he was still doing in the present and how common he was in the news caught my interest. I started keeping track and learning of his terrible crimes and atrocities in the past. I knew I should be horrified and disturbed but instead I was moreso curious and fascinated.

The way he'd seemed to have been everywhere and done everything and made such an impact on the world, as negative as it was, was impressive to me. He was the exact opposite of myself living in the middle of nowhere, never doing anything that interesting in my life, and nobody ever knowing who I was and being an outcast and it pulled me in.

I started collecting news coverage that existed and closely following all new stuff. My favorites were photos and footage, whether photos of him during his schemes or videos from when he'd broadcast himself onto devices while making threats or just to mess with people- which isn't something he'd done on a global scale since I'd been alive.

When exactly this took place and what it specifically entailed varies in my multiple concepts but at some point, I do finally get to see him on TV live when he hijacks it! I know I should be scared, it certainly is startling to see him suddenly pop up, make demands and threats, and talk about a world under his control. I know it's very bad and dangerous.

But I couldn't help but be excited to finally get to see him live and finally feel like a part of what's happening to the rest of the world too after years of just hearing about it! While I don't fully acknowledge and admit it to myself, my heart isn't just racing from fear, it's uncontrollable excitement too and I'm mesmerized watching him do his thing.

There are things I can't help but find fascinating and impressive, admirable even. Such as his theatrics, confidence, and crazy desires. Even though he was terrible, dangerous, egotistical, and greedy with it, he did it in such a unique and fun way. He was entertaining to watch and everything he was capable of was as impressive and exciting as scary.

His determination to keep trying and following his dreams and his enjoyment in his terrible crimes shows passionate devotion. The way he builds robots with awesome crazy designs and theme parks, carnivals, circuses, casinos, etc is so fun and cool despite how malicious it is. It's charming how he'll be himself and follow his dreams no matter what!

While I don't admit it to myself, I find him very handsome too. I subconsciously have a big crush on him and I'm admiring him more by the days. I know he's bad all along but he's so charming and entertaining about it, I can't help but be hooked and he makes me feel dizzy! He lives such a crazy, fun, eventful life and I wish I had that too.

Eventually after the broadcast hijacking, Eggman visits multiple locations and deploys his robots to scour areas for useful resources. I live in a place with lots of land and woodland in universe too and I go there a lot for walks and to just wander around and think and dream of traveling the world far beyond this, since I don't have much else to do.

When walking through the woods I hear the sound of a motor and mechanical noises. I peer through trees and bushes and see a Motobug driving along the grass! It's looking for animals and trying to round them up for Eggman to use because he needs a very big army for his new plan. I'm so delighted to finally see some of his tech in person!

Despite the danger, I get as close as I can for a better look and admire how well designed, creative, and fun it is, and how well made it is with such high quality. It's clear that he's very smart and imaginative and I see it for that instead of just "stupid silly toys" like others do. It's cute for a dangerous killing machine and that's part of the charm to me!

I enjoy it a lot for it being the closest I've ever gotten to him a sense, as it's something that he's created and I've finally been lucky enough to see it in person. And after getting to witness him on TV live too, dreams of mine are coming true. I'm finally a part of something he's doing and it's bringing so much more excitement to my life!

And knowing how unpredictable he is, one can never know what he might do next! And that's thrilling to me, though I should be afraid with the terrible things he's capable of, I'm instead always eager to find out because this is huge, finally being one of the locations on his radar for the first time since I've been alive. I finally get to experience it!

I'm very pleased with that encounter with a robot of his. I don't report it even though I should, I just let it go and do its thing. Nobody else finds out his robots were scouring the area to report on it and I like keeping the secret, knowing something about Eggman the rest of the public doesn't. And I didn't want them ruining it before it's truly began.

At a later date, news breaks that Eggman is attacking the city that I live just on the outskirts of and I'm in disbelief! Before I can even properly hear all the details of the report, for the first time I don't wait to hear every precious detail like I usually do and instead rush out because it could be a once in a lifetime thing and I can't miss this!

I don't even worry about the danger nor not having confidence to go out when there's probably a lot of people despite usually being uncomfortable, I just need to get there and see what's happening, that's all that matters to me. I manage to approach the scene as closely as possible while still keeping distance from the danger and heart of the chaos.

I climb a building and hide behind a tower on the roof and can see there's fire and shooting and explosions in the distance as robots are attacking, the action is gripping and gets my adrenaline up. But what makes my heart race faster is when I hear something in the sky and look up to see the man himself in his Egg Mobile watching it all!

I barely get to see much of his face as his back is to me watching it from a distance himself too, but closer than I am. But I can see enough of him to see that he has a big smile on his face, looking very smug and laughing. Just that and the fact that he's really here has my jaw drop in awe and then smile uncontrollably at his infectious joy!

After standing there watching, I don't expect him to look over his shoulder, he must've been looking for the best area of escape when he was done and he looked into my direction! He actually sees me and just as he notices and perks up in curiosity to why I'm there on my own, I run. He puts it down to me being scared and I didn't look to be enemy forces coming to stop him in my casual wear.

That moment was so small and brief but it stuck with me for weeks after. I keep replaying the sight of him admiring his robots wreaking havoc and the sound of his laughter. It was deeply precious to me to finally get to see him in person and be so close to him, albeit still many feet away but we were really there together in the same place!

I start to imagine how things could've gone differently if I'd stayed. Would he have questioned me? Would he have attacked thinking I was going to try to stop/report him or just for fun and to make sure nobody goes unscathed? I would've found all of those potential scenarios cool! But unfortunately I ran because I felt I had to. Still, I treasure it.

For a while I think that's the last of being lucky enough to get to catch. I mean getting witness a broadcast hijacking, then seeing a robot in person, then the man himself? That's way too much luck! I'm appreciative of what I got to see and will treasure it forever. Things seem quiet for a while after all the chaos and it looks like he's done with the place.

It's been a while since I last went to that certain woodland area for a walk and decide to go again and at night because it's been hot and because I'd like late night peace and privacy in my quiet place. Part of me hopes to see a robot or something even though it's unlikely they'd still be around when he's seemingly done with his work here.

I'm walking, listening to music, entertaining myself with my thoughts to avoid disappointing myself and- suddenly I bump into something and fall back. Never in million years would I ever expect to look up and see none other than Eggman! My glasses fell off when I fell and when I put them on and see him clearly, I still can't believe it!

We both didn't notice each other in the dark, with me looking down and Eggman's shaded glasses making it even harder to see in it. He squints and looks down at me through the darkness and teasingly says "What are you doing out here this late, little boy?" He has a playful approach and smirks because I look stunned and he's amused.

He thinks I might be scared but I'm actually just frozen in awe that he's really right there in the flesh in front of me. I finally pull myself up but still feel stuck in place, unsure of whether I should run or not. I also don't know how to answer his question and just manage to mumble that I was out walking and my breaths sound shaky.

He strokes his chin in wonder with a "hmm". Something about me is familiar. It quickly clicks with him as he connects the dots, not only did he catch me watching during his attack on the city, he also saw me in a Motobug camera when reviewing the footage to see if it saw good land to build on and that's how he knew this was a good place for it.

He points this out to me and says we finally meet at last, then asks if there's any reason he keeps seeing me around. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and think I was trying to spy on him and gather information to try to stop him so despite the shyness, blush in my cheeks, and small smile, I say I'm a big fan and have admired from afar for a while.

He's smart enough to still be wary in case it is a trick but at the same time he can't help but smile at that as he says "I'm pleased that you recognize my brilliance." His confidence and happiness from the ego boost he gets from that is precious to me. There's a funny warm feeling in my chest seeing the pleased grin that slightly tugs at his cheeks.

He's just as handsome in person as the videos and pictures. He has a gleaming white smile, cute big pink nose, and big magnificent fluffy mustache with soft round cheeks hidden behind it. He's so big and tall with his big round belly that looks soft and cuddly, big bear paw sized hands and feet, and long sleek legs. He looks like a big bear of these woods!

He looks stunning and I can't help but admire it. Eggman can certainly tell that my admiration is genuine by the way I look at him as I get lost in his beauty and don't realize how obviously I'm gawking. And there's no way I would've known of the hidden camera in the Motobug but I looked so happy and fascinated while trying to get close to it to admire it.

He can't let me roam around after all that I've seen in the past few encounters of him and his creations. Sure I didn't report it before but he'd rather assure the chances of it happening are zero. So he asks me to come back with him and says that if I enjoy his work so much then I should come serve him. I can't believe my ears and accept immediately!

He's surprised that it was that easy and is used to having to make demands and threats, so he's happy to see such enthusiasm. While I know I should be afraid to go away with such a dangerous infamous man, it would be a dream come true! I'm instantly ready to go away with him and don't need any prep. I get in his Egg Mobile and away we go.

The idea is that I stay with him while he works on the land by the woods that he took an interest in after seeing it in the Motobug footage. It's a good place to find animals for his robots and build a new base as it would be well hidden. I'm useful to keep around because I know when people are unlikely to be around to potentially stumble upon the site.

His first impression of me is that I'm a funny fan of his and that my admiration is pathetically cute and most importantly useful and ego stroking. He finds my eagerness to help him, keep him safe, and make sure he doesn't get caught very valuable for him, and how I become a servant in happily bringing him things he needs whenever he asks.

My feelings on him don't just remain the same as when when I first started to take an interest in him, they get stronger. Getting to know him for real and finding he really is as charming and admirable as I saw him is a delight. And it gets harder for me to escape the fact that I find him very attractive for his strong personality and beauty.

He still keeps a lot of secrets from me he can't have me knowing just in case but getting to learn anything and seeing around his base and his creations is a great joy. Especially when the man himself is proudly showing them off to me. He likes how I share multiple of his interests, love to listen to him talk, and gush over it and praise it all highly.

Eggman was ready to entertain any delusions that made me a fan but is pleased when he finds I know exactly who he is, what he wants, and how terrible he is but specifically admire and support it. I love him as he is, want him to succeed in his selfish goals, and get everything he wants. It feels good to be understood and loved for the real him.

My loyalty and enthusiasm making me useful to him and boosting his ego makes him consider keeping me around for longer, after he was initially planning on letting me go eventually. It would also be best to make sure I never have the chance to tell anyone else about him after going to know him on this level. And I don't want to leave anyway!

I have to keep proving my worth so he knows he made the right choice and that my admiration is real for sure and not just a really convincing agent, though there's no way it could be faked to this degree. Despite his caution we get along well and get closer and he's more certain and likes having me around to serve him and stroke his ego.

Things progress from there and I start faller for him harder and he enjoys having me as his assistant and servant more over time. It eventually leads to point where we first become intimate, when he takes the last step in assuring that I'm definitely not an agent and 100% real in my love for him- by asking for me to kiss him hehe 🥰💜

[thegodwithin]

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

Hey, so I just want to say that I really understand you. It’s funny how as I read your ask for the first time it really stood out to me how it was reflecting my current state at that moment so thank you for sending it. I will try my best to answer your questions but I'm still figuring this stuff out myself so I'm also just going to recommend some material that should help. I’ll put all the links at the end of the reply.

I have broken up your ask into several different topics and I’ll be addressing each one separately so please bear with me here.

This is the longest reply I've ever written so the rest is under the cut

law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused.

i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc.

I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

The first and most important thing I want to say to you is that you should really learn from the source material, which as far as I’m concerned here is Neville Goddard. I know there are other teachers like him but he’s the main source most blogs and youtubers make their content from. And frankly a lot of posts on tumblr seem to really simplify and reduce things to the point where you get to this idea that it’s all just affirming and persisting which I really can’t agree with. That’s a conclusion one can reach after learning this stuff, processing it, experimenting with it and realizing what works best for them. But there are certainly other factors involved in the process, whether the person was aware of them or not. This also goes for youtubers and coaches in general. All these people are speaking based on their own experiences with the law. Through the lenses of their own beliefs, limitations, etc. So it’s only natural that they will sound different from each other and their message and style might not resonate with every person in the same way. Which is why you’re not supposed to just accept everything you hear or read at face value. Apply it, experiment with it and make your own conclusions.

like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results.

Most of us come into contact with the law from a negative situation and looking for a quick fix, and what we end up finding is a whole lot more than we ever bargained for. These teachings challenge everything we have ever known and accepted as absolute unchangeable truths in the world. And we are also dared to accept the responsibility that we were the cause of our entire lives?! It’s a lot to take in. You can’t be one foot in and one foot out. You’re trying to manifest something but you’re not seeing results. If you’re looking for results then you weren’t truly committed to living in the end and you haven’t really changed. You must notice the change within first, before the outside world can reflect that. You just give yourself what you want in your mind, and you keep doing it, day in and day out, with complete disregard for what your outer senses are telling you, until it hardens into a fact.

i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier?

Battling with the 3d can certainly be painful and it just turns into a vicious cycle, because the more attention you pay to something, the more it gets perpetuated in your reality and in your experiences. I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I struggle with this as well. If anything, at least remember to prioritize your feelings at every given moment. If you notice that you’re feeling bad / reacting negatively to the 3d, stop and ask yourself: what do I want? or what do I want to feel?

Usually when I do that my mind automatically shows me the answer and then if I can enter the reality (within me, in my mind with my thoughts and feelings) where those things are true, suddenly that circumstance I was just reacting to doesn’t matter anymore. Because I feel fulfilled within now.

Just start allowing yourself to have what you want, no matter what. Practice putting yourself first, before anything else, before the circumstances around you, before what others might say or do. Even if the 3d looks bad right now, you deserve to feel what you want, you don’t have to keep putting yourself down because you haven’t seen an outside change yet. And the truth is that you won’t see a change if you keep watching the 3d and taking score from it. Because it can only change after you do. Because it’s a reflection of you. Allow yourself to feel that relief and satisfaction, in your imagination, everyday. Make it a habit and little by little you will have changed your mindset, entering a new reality.

Everything in your 3d world is an illusion in the sense that it’s not the truth. And this is because everything that you experience with your senses, in your 3d world is a direct reflection of you. You are everything, and you are everywhere you go and every person you meet. You can only ever experience yourself, nothing else. Nothing exists outside of you. Everything begins and ends with you.

and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine?

You are God of your own reality. There’s only you in your reality. Nothing else and no one else. So everything and everyone that shows up is under your influence. IN YOUR REALITY. You can’t really access other people’s realities or inner worlds, and likewise they can’t reach yours. Even what you perceive as things outside of you pertaining to other people’s lives and experiences are still coming in through your own lenses, of the concept you have of that person, of the expectations and beliefs you have about them. This is why you shouldn’t bother with anything but yourself. Because it’s a waste of energy. Because everything you will ever perceive will come through you first. You can’t experience anything but yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. If you believe others can influence your reality then you are living from fear and you are giving your power away.

i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof??

Instead of trying to manifest things in order to “see proof”, just let things happen and watch yourself during the process. Start really paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling on a daily basis. Notice that your thoughts and reactions come from a certain state of being. Notice how people act in ways that you expect them to, because “that’s just how they are”.No, it’s because that’s the concept you hold of them in your reality, and they treat you according to the concept you hold of yourself. By doing this you will start to realize the connection between what has shown up in your life so far, and the person you were identifying with within. And when I say identifying with, I don’t mean something like an affirmation such as “I’m confident”. Your identification and basically your self concept comes from your perspective, the way you see things, the way you react to things and the way you act, the thoughts you have and what you accept as true. Those will show you who you really are.

i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them

The thing with success stories is that as much as they can be motivational, the process and the factors are always the same. They succeeded because they managed to change their mindset, they entered a new reality (within), they changed their dwelling place (the state of being they return to the most) and their outer reality simply reflected that change. Their circumstances are irrelevant and the only thing setting them apart is the techniques they used and how long it took for them to actually shift their mindset and accept the new reality they wanted. Techniques are not really that relevant because they only serve to aid you into moving states. So at this point it’s really just about what works best for you.

i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong??

There’s no such thing as affirming wrong. And please take affirming off the pedestal. It’s just a technique and you don’t need to use it if it’s troubling you. Affirmations are just thoughts you would be having if you were living in the end. So their purpose is only to help make you feel like you are living in the wish fulfilled. There’s no point in affirming all day long if you keep feeling like you’re in the same old shitty reality. Again it’s the same thing I’ve been saying before. You can’t affirm for two opposite things at the same time and get the result you want. Use affirmations as much as you like but watch yourself for the rest of the time.

The reason this isn’t a trying process is because you’re not attempting to do anything to get something. You are simply being in a different way. You are changing your mind, changing your thoughts, choosing better feelings. This is a lifestyle change. If you accept the law, your entire perception changes. Nothing is ever the same as it used to be. This can be a hard pill to swallow but at some point you gotta be honest with yourself. There is no trying. There is only doing and there is only being.

i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting.

I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want

You’re exhausted because you keep going back and forth between what you want and what has shown up. You need to pick one side and stick to it. You need to dive so deep into the feeling of what you want to the point where thinking the opposite feels unnatural. I know you don’t wanna hear this but thinking you’re doing something wrong really is also getting in your way. Think about it this way: you’re in the end goal, you’re there, it’s done, you got it. Would you be thinking about ANY of this stuff if that was the case? Would you be doubting and having all these fears and looking around everyday to make sure it’s still there? We both know you wouldn’t.

You just can’t have it and wonder where it is at the same time. You have to stick to the end goal and reject anything that contradicts that.

I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me

People say manifesting is easy and fun because you’re just supposed to satisfy yourself within by giving yourself what you want. If it feels like a chore then you're not giving yourself what you really want. You are focusing on what you think you should be doing and you are also keeping yourself hostage to your unwanted circumstances. If your desires are so important to you then stop putting conditions on them, stop looking for excuses to deny yourself of them. Get drunk in the feeling and the knowing of their fulfilment. Let go of all the doubts and fears, turn your back on your senses telling you it’s not here yet. Be stubborn and stop taking no for an answer.

You’re coming from a place of: I have all these unwanted circumstances and I want to have xyz instead, but no matter what I do, things aren't changing.

If you had xyz by now, would you still be repeating the unwanted circumstances in your head? Would you be thinking about them? Would you be reacting to them? Would you be identifying with this version of yourself that can’t get what you want?

No! You would be living your life, doing the things you enjoy, your duties and responsibilities, resting in the knowledge that you got that desire. It’s a reality now. It’s part of your life. You’d be living from that perspective.

You're keeping the unwanted stuff in place by reaffirming them, by looking at it everyday and going “yep, still here!”, you’re still accepting it as true for you. You can’t keep your attention on something without getting more of it. You need to die to the unwanted reality. Never to be seen again.

I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking.

Self concept is not a technique that you do once a day. Self concept is who you are. It’s how you behave and what you think all the time, every day, all day. It's what you believe and accept as true for you in all aspects. I think this community has been breaking up the law into bits and pieces, as if there are all these separate factors and steps you need to take, and it’s done more damage than good because it’s actually literally all the same thing, it’s all connected. Once you change through the means of one aspect, the other aspects change automatically. Self concept, mental diet, states, it’s all connected, they all lead to the same destination, you. Neville uses these terms interchangeably, to get his point across in the best way he sees fit at that moment, but he’s always talking about the same thing. So bottomline is that if you “keep breaking”, then you’re still in the process of change, you’re going from one state to the other, from unwanted to wanted. Back and forth. You’re still falling for the illusion of the 3d world and you’re still feeling the pull of your old story. You need to take a stand and decide that enough is enough. No longer accept what you don’t want. You’re the only one making the choice here. No one is forcing you to stay in the unwanted mindset but your own habits and comfort zone.

I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet.

Look, there’s nothing to combat here. There’s no war going on. It’s all just you. You don’t have any blocks or limiting beliefs you need to overpower. This isn’t a good perspective to hold. You ARE the power. I fought these types of statements for a long time but I can understand it now. You need to stop focusing on limiting beliefs or blocks. Stop thinking AND believing that you have problems that are getting in your way and that you need to overcome them. By holding this perspective, you’re only going to create more problems to overcome. Remember what I’ve been saying that you’re in the end now? Are there any blocks in the end? When the wish is fulfilled? I don’t think so and neither do you! I want you to take the challenge to declare to yourself that you no longer have any limitations. It’s all gone! You’re free now! I want you to wake up everyday and before you get out of bed, you remind yourself that hey, all that stuff is gone now! Nothing to worry about anymore! How good is that?!

I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want.

You keep the faith in the unseen by believing and trusting in yourself. If you accept that you can do anything, that you deserve what you want, that you are the operant power and that everything is coming FROM you, then you know all you need is yourself. Idk it truly is a leap of faith, you need to make a choice. Do you want to live by what is outside of you, or by what’s within you? If you accept the law as true, then you have no choice but to start living by what’s within you. If you’re still sitting there thinking that your world is ruled by the circumstances outside of you then you don’t believe a tiny bit in any of this stuff. You’re truly wasting your time if you hold that perspective in place.

Okay I hope this whole essay I spent hours on helps! Now let’s get you those recs!

You can read most if not all of Neville's work for free here: https://realneville.com/

These are my current favorite Neville Based Teachers:

I am Love / Feeling Twisty (he's also on apple podcasts and spotify I believe)

Here's my own personal playlist of Neville based videos on youtube

There's a LOT of good stuff on reddit tbh, here's pretty much everything I have saved from there:

(ps.: it's good to check the comments on reddit posts because there's usually discussions happening and you can find some good pointers)

EdwardArtSupplyHands Series / Quote

ALLISMIND:

Feelings are your power

How thoughts and beliefs become reality

Overthinking

Superman's way of life

Thinking positive

Living from the Law

There's no reality

You don't believe in the Law

Nothing will change your mind

(ps.: he has A LOT of content, these are just the few I looked into)

Other posts:

Change your mind

It's Real. Success Story

Decide what you want

Self concept and personality

Self concept and self love

Letting go of control

Don't rationalize it

The state of the wish fulfilled

Checkmate 3D

Planting the seeds

Don't react

Faith and Knowledge

Slacker Manifesting

Persistence assumption

Don't complicate it

All you need is reassurance

Brazen Impudence

Manifesting is easy

Practical guide

Why circumstances don't matter

Commit to your desire

Ignore the Outside

Clarifying the Law for beginners

(ps.: These aren't 100% accurate tittles, just based on the actual tittles)

[bluebuckstallion]

the sun will rise again - mlp fic

part two this is part one! part two and so on will be updated/reblogged when they are out! contents: aj and big mac are like. 13 and 15. big mac realizes she is a trans woman, and is guided by applejack, but there is much more to it than just that lol. its also a little hard for her. sappy, feel-good, tough internal conflict but overall happy fic. paragraph one is previewed here, the rest is below the cut! (note: i am aware my blog makes posts a little hard to read bc of a glitch, i am trying to fix it at the moment, i apologize D: i rec reading it on tumblr mobile or highlighting the words as you read, im sorry!)

-

Big Mac shuffled his hooves awkwardly. Racing thoughts fought furiously, cluttering his hurting head, and he put a weary hoof against his temple in an attempt to clear the fog. No avail. It was as strong as ever, the rushing current of rip tide sweeping him in the more he struggled. He insisted he'd never felt this way before, trying violently to shake away the thought, it made him shudder. But deep down somewhere he knew, he couldn't hide this strong feeling he'd become so familiar with. It felt like home, but he was trapped inside with the windows boarded and the floorboards were so old they were making him fall through with every step, and there were thick dusty cobwebs everywhere he tried to rest his burdened hooves. He couldn't leave. Outside of his overflowing head, there was a faint knocking at his door, though he had tuned it out completely. His thoughts whirled, and everything was making *so* much noise, the ceiling fan, the electricity in the walls, the birds outside, even the trees being rustled by the evening wind. Everything was so loud, and so muffled and far away, so close and inside his ears, they twitched eagerly trying to bat the harsh noise away, all collected into one horrid ear-piercing amalgamation of staticy sound. His fur was disturbed by his blankets, and his teeth felt uncomfortable as they grit desperately in an attempt to relax, his eyes were dry despite how much and how hard he was blinking, it felt like even the smallest thing would throw him overboard in this thundering storm of unsettlement. -

The knocking got louder. "Big Mac!" The sound was lost in the chaos of it all, but it prevailed. "Big Mac!" There it was again. It didn't quite reach him yet, though. But my, was it there. Incessant. Pounding. Oh, the headache of it all. Just adding to the pile. It hesitated. "Big Mac." The gentle coo reached him, piercing through the overwhelmingly loud silence in the air, he felt this odd choking sensation in his throat when he registered the voice, so familiar and so loving. But would it continue to be after this? The thought scared him. Fear struck his spine in striking bolts, waves of dread sulked, creeping in and making their nest in his aching body. He was so tired of coming back to this again and again, but it plagued his mind like a cold. He realized his internal monologue had been ongoing - even though it hadn't really spoke - but alas he had been lost in his own downward spiral of paranoia again, and had forgotten to respond. "Yu- uh- eeyup?" he stuttered out like he was drowning, he felt and sounded like a silly foal learning to walk for the first time again. He pushed his hoof lightly against his throat, shocked at his own lack of voice. Usually he was calm and confident, knowing what he wanted to say, despite how little it ever was. However he feared this would give way to his sister finding out, that she would know something was awry with him. "Can I, uh, come in?" the voice questioned. He nodded, then processed he had forgotten to use his words, and managed a sheepish "Yup." "Uh, okay." She responded equally as softly, her voice leaving a tinge of confusion to be interpreted. Applejack trotted in, her hooves making the wood beneath her creak as the old house settled. She nudged the door shut behind her nonchalantly with her back hoof, not taking her gaze off of what was ahead of her. She made a gesture towards Big Mac's bed and tilted her head, knowing he was a horse of few words, moreso when he got this way. And goodness, how he could manage to get into his own head. Applejack understood the feeling, more than he was letting on. Applejack got up and sat down awkwardly, glancing at her hooves as they, too, dragged over one another slowly, she never did like eye contact. Big Mac was more fidgety - he was straight-up restless, as he clapped his hooves together ceaselessly, clicking them atop one another with a hard "Clink." The silence was substantial, but it wasn't like it bothered them, usually. It drove Big Mac up the wall, he was sweating buckets thinking about what Applejack could possibly say. *Did she find out? Does she know? Does she hate me? She hates you. She knows and she hates you. She'll never forgive you. She'll never see you the same-* his thoughts were cut off abruptly. "So, big brother," she chuckled stiffly, "what's on your mind?" Blunt and to the point. She looked upward briefly, catching a glimpse of his face, caught in an uncomfortable twist as his mouth hung downward and his eyes sunk, staring blankly ahead. Neither of them looked at the other, but this again, was not unusual. When she said 'brother,' the word stung like a mosquito bite. It was barely there, but just enough to irritate him. And it grew bigger the more he picked away at it and gave it the time of day. Maybe if he just ignored it it'd heal itself, he thought. Her words in general hung high above his head, and he had forgotten to respond with the way he was over-analyzing it a million different ways inside. What was on his mind, besides this scary, burning question gnawing him alive? He gave a lackluster response to divert any inkling of anxiety, "Oh, nothing," and with that he kicked his back hooves loosely up, and they swung back down heavily in the empty air. What else could he say? The silence sat for a couple of seconds. Too long for Applejack's liking, she was growing a bit impatient with his lack of answers. She looked up and moved her head upward in tune with her eyes, rolling her head from one shoulder to the other as her lips pouted and she let out a quick exhale. She looked down at her teetering hooves again. "Nothing..." she repeated, tapping her hooves together about three times, give or take, she wasn't paying attention. "Oookay.." she said in a quiet tone, and the cadence in her voice had shifted after this minute or two of waiting. She scratched the back of her ear. "Well, if you won't tell me, I'll figure it out myself." She looked up and beamed what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, which came out rather awkward. It fell just as awkwardly. She wasn't the best at conveying emotion, but neither was Big Mac. They had that in common. "Ok, I'll spit it out, rapid-fire," she said funnily, holding her hooves up and moving one in front of the other and back again in tune with the quirky enunciation of the last word. If nothing else, she was making an attempt to lift his low spirit. She inhaled, "Is it about me? About Ma or Pa? *Granny?* Baby Bloom?" and with that she exhaled overexaggeratedly. It took a second, but the half-smile she had faded from her face as he stood there saying nothing, simply folding one hoof over his other arm, rubbing it rigidly and looking away, and what she hoped was not true, had hit her. It was about himself. "Oh.. brother," she whispered to him, "You can tell me anything," she reached her hoof up toward him, pulling it back when it was halfway there as she winced at his lack of response, not even a lean-in to her gesture, but she continued anyway. She gingerly put her hoof on his shoulder. Becoming more confident with her comforting, she rubbed his back gently. "So it's about you?" He took a second, and nodded somberly. "Hey, that's alright. Tell me what's on your mind for real now, when you're ready. If, you're ready." AJ's voice, he found, was quite calming. Big Mac shot a glance at her timidly, then down at her hooves, and back up at her, but he couldn't look too long in order to stop the waterworks from coming. He gulped dryly and looked at the wall, and after the ceiling. He watched the fan dodder decrepitly, but so sure of itself, it's purpose, rotating on it's axis, again, and again, and again. He wished he could be so sure of himself, he wasn't sure if he ever could be, though. And here, he found himself envying the rotating of a ceiling fan. What an interesting moment, he thought sarcastically to himself. Was this really where he was at? He zoned out briefly, watching the blades go in circles, and then snapped himself back to reality with a hard blink, a downward motion of his head, and a squeezing of his hooves. "I..." he started softly and then trailed off. He sighed in dejection. "I- Well, I am me. But... I'm not. I look in the mirror, and it's not me looking back. I know that sounds... stupid, but it's not me. It's not like it isn't who I am, it's just not me. And I, don't know why. I mean I think I do, but I don't - sometimes-" He took a second to collect himself and inhaled, exhaling sharply after, he put his hoof firmly against his chest, as if almost trying to coax the words out. "I'm me, but I'm not. I'm not who I'm meant to be, I, I was born wrong. My body is wrong," he shook his head, like trying to shake the bad thoughts away. "It's not mine. I was born with something wrong about me, outside, inside I'm me, but outside I'm not. But - I'm not bad or anything, it's just that there was something different. And, you know that funny feeling of those butterflies in your tummy when someone you like says your name? I'll get that, but I won't recognize my name as mine, but I do get that feeling when...ponies accidentally call me what they call fillies, even though they don't mean to and fix 'emselves right after, and they act like it's so wrong, but I still get that funny feeling of, goodness. It catches me off guard in the best way... my heart skips a beat. And I know I'm s'posed to like girls, but there was something wrong about me lovin' 'em... it feels like. I feel real guilty-like when I start getting all lovey about one. It feels like I'm not allowed, like there's somethin'.."  he teared up, "different. About me." He emphasized the last word quite significantly. He began to finish, not wordvomitting as much as he was before, instead saying it slowly, as if he was really trying hard to get his thoughts out. "I- I think, I think if I were born in the right body I'd be happier, but I don't want to change me, I just...want to change how people *see me."* Applejack raised her eyebrows and looked down, pushing her hooves together. She couldn't move, and she didn't. Big Mac's welling up had turned to a tear, gently rolling down his cheek. He held his breath, eyes darting back and forth from his sister's gaze - or lack thereof. Applejack held her breath as well. "Big mac, well - gosh." she let out staggeredly, anxiously chuckling, raising her hoof to her chest as she exhaled bluntly. Big Mac felt it coming, Roaring and Crashing. The water was surrounding him still, no matter how subtle it was before, it had been growing this whole time. Internal dread multiplying like a bilious bacteria, out to get him and cover him in it's killing spores. It must've been at least neck-high now. AJ chuckled, "Big Mac, I love you no matter what. You're my family." She looked him in the eyes, "It's gonna be ok." And there was the straw that broke the camel's back. It came through gently, like a soft breeze through his hair in summer, but it broke him so, so ruthlessly. He bit at his bottom lip and released, his mouth turning to a shaky U-shaped frown, and he bawled. Oh, how he bawled. He lunged for his sister's arms, which quickly opened for him to land in. Applejack huffed as the wind left her with his impact, but she regained control of herself and softly smiled, tenderly hugging him back. His head rested on hers, as hers on his. "It's alright big guy," she laughed. "In fact, I think I know exactly what's up." She pushed him off cautiously, and held her hoof against his shoulder. His tears subsided slightly, he wiped them with a trembling hoof. "Have you ever thought that maybe you feel like you're in the wrong body, because you're really a mare? I know nobody sees you that way right now, but I could start if that's who you really are." Big mac's pupils constricted, and he felt a leap in his chest. A mare? He tried so hard to push it out, but he couldn't. A mare. A mare! He let out a small smile, "A mare..." he then promptly shook his head. "But, I can't be. I wish it was that easy, that I could just be a mare, oh I wish so bad AJ," he put his hooves together and shook them, like he was pleading. He pushed her hoof off of him, sighing and speaking again, his voice cracking from the tears and raw emotion, "But I never could. I couldn't. I wish I could, but I'm not allowed to." he sighed defeatedly. Applejack chuckled, "Says who? All it takes is you saying you can. And I'll be honest, I feel like a lot of people don't give it much thought whether they want to be a mare or not - they just are." It all clicked. They, just are. He processed it for a second, and thought, and the thoughts slipped into words, "I'm a mare," he whispered. He smiled, the most genuine smile he'd ever shown. "I'm, a mare." He laughed, looking at Applejack. "A mare! I'm a mare!" His smile faded slightly, "But Applejack, am I still allowed to like other fillies? I figure now I'll have to like colts, that's what I've heard at least, and I really don't want to-" despite his concerns, he still looked quite euphoric. Applejack laughed again, "No, Big Mac, you can still like mares. It doesn't work that way I'm pretty sure." She rubbed the back of her head, "If it's any help, you can do whatever you want... What feels right." She closed her mouth and grinned, waving her hoof in the air dismissively of any negativity, her eyes in the other direction. Stopping, she looked at the ground and fiddled her hooves, "I, I actually know a lot about how you're feeling," she spoke nervously, cautiously, dancing around her words like she had something she didn't want to admit to herself as well. "I, know how you feel - about liking mares and, and the wrong body an' stuff. Feeling like your body isn't yours, it doesn't belong to you and never will, unless you make a big change, or somethin'. I get it. I feel wrong when people say I'm a girl, but I don't reckon I'd feel right with them callin' me a boy or something either - I don't think I really feel like either." She paused, cutting herself off, "I don't expect that to make sense to you, I know it's kind of weird and all." Big Mac thought for a bit, and then nodded, "No, I get it. I mean - I don't, but, I know you're you, no matter what, and I don't care who you are, you're still my sibling." Big Mac smiled nervously, trying to make sure he was doing the right thing. "And you're my sister, Big Mac," Applejack smiled back at him. "Now, how do you feel about me calling you by girl terms? Like, sayin' she, and stuff..." she struggled to think of an example. "Oh! Like, if I meet someone, I'll tell 'em "Oh Big Mac? She's my big sister!" Applejack let out a wide twinkling grin, feeling confident and proud with supporting her sister's feelings. "I, I like that." Big Mac said shyly, and she did. "Wait, how do I do the same for you?" she questioned. Applejack stalled, she really didn't think she'd get this far. "I think... I really like being called he, and brother and such. Although to be honest I'm not your sister and I'm not really your brother, and I still like other fillies - but I'm not one of them, or not in the same way, and - I don't know, it's a little confusing. I think the only way that I'm a filly is in the sense that I'm a mare who likes other mares. I don't really know what any of this is called," he voiced embarrassedly. "I wish I did." Big Mac smirked, "It's okay you don't, I don't know either. And we can learn together, little brother." She fluffed Applejack's hair playfully and her smirk became a toothy smile. Applejack laughed and joined her smiling. "Thanks," he said, quite gratefully. "To be honest, I've known this for a really long time, I just didn't know how to say it," he looked out the window longingly, "I wish I knew how to tell Ma and Pa, or Granny," he laughed a little, "and I don't even know how to tell a baby," he uttered, trying to lighten the mood a little after bringing it back down. Big mac grinned, "Why don't we go out to the orchard, little brother?"

[mc-critical]

Okay hi its me again💜 i enjoyed your answers to my questions but im here again lol

My Question now is probably annoying or hard but i asked another page a while ago and they said it was too hard (had to re search a lot for it) but i find it very interesting.

Ranking All Imperial Sultanas from MC/MCK by how Influental/powerful they were,would be very happy if u made a list with reasonings i love yours blogs and how well they're formulated.

I'll have to agree with the other page you've asked this question that it's going to be hard answering to it when it comes to history. There's still stuff we don't know for sure (we don't even know precisely how much political influence Hürrem actually had historically!) and there is a lot of research to be done in order to give a full perspective.

That's why I'm going to limit myself to the show. While I feel the hierarchy is even more of a mess there, the conclusions one can drive are far more clear cut, especially when it comes to the evolution of power being explored on a thematic level through the Sultanate of Women.

That said, for me, the most powerful and influential sultana in the show is Kösem. She got the most from the power as a sultan's favourite and the power as a valide. She had the support of both the people and the Jannisary. She was a regent during the early years of Murat's reign and even after Murat took away her regency, she could run her foundations and had meetings that were her making decisions about the state. She represented the state almost her whole life to the point she went as far as to remove every single threat that stood in its way. Out of all the sultanas, she was the one who had the most chance to utilize and extend her power, yet she was the one with the most opposition from people who were capable of anything to take her down. She fought with enemies that put her under constant pressure, but also had their fair share of power and it was a lot more possible for the odds to turn in their favor when it came to it. Kösem managed to overcome all of them not only through sheer force of will, but also through the sheer confidence in the amount of power she wields (and the way she uses it).

The two most important "branches" of Kösem's power that make her stand out among the rest are the reach her power has and her experience. Kösem's touch of power was relatively early - Ahmet and Mustafa, the the most important people in the whole empire, were in their death beds, Handan, the Valide Sultan, didn't know what to do when everyone else was only seeking their own benefit, and the only one who could stand up to the people in what was a massive revolt, was Kösem. By expressing the confidence that the sultan was okay, she represented the country as early as episode 7, she gained another, new wave of respect in the harem and it all unraveled from there. She was starting to "lose" her innocence, she clashed with arguably the most powerful people in the harem (Safiye and Halime + Dilruba), Ahmet, for all he was, acted very "loosely" with her, in terms of what he permitted her to do when it came to the boundaries of her power in the harem and his heart, he relied on her to make decisions when he couldn't, he looked up to her, he sought her advice, he even left the state in her hands in the end. Thanks to the evolution of the SOW, now that very powerful and influential women are the norm in the harem rather than the exception, Kösem was both in a precarious, yet very powerful position, she grasped what the ones before her had and yet got to lengths no one else before (or after her, show-wise) did. Her power spread everywhere, she had so many areas of influence, to the point Murat, the padişah himself, felt overshadowed by all that. But most importantly, she reached out to the people, they all loved and respected her. No sultana was as close to her people as Kösem and I feel that's the most valuable power one could have.

I would put Safiye as second. She's been in power for so many years and she perceives her own power as so massive it's hard for her to let go of. Her dresses, morning routines, material possessions, servants were exemplary. She was so influential in the harem that she was still pretty much perceived as a Valide, even when she already wasn't. She was apparently close to Queen Elizabeth in the show, as well. She also had foundations, even though reaching to the people was far from her first priority. What brings her down for me, is that her influence began to waver slowly, but surely, ever since she was imprisoned in that tower. (yes, she still had a concubine to poison Ahmet, but still...) She lost from Kösem eventually, but she still had very strong presence and was a remarkable member of the SOW. Something from her was left even when she was at her "weakest" - the person manipulating Osman.

I don't know where to put Turhan, to be honest. She was certainly very influential, because she could amass people to her side and staged this massive coup and what helped even further, is her being in a high position from the very beggining and her thematic role in the evolution of power in the SOW, that while everyone else there had their power from their positions as favorites to some extent, at least, Turhan got it solely from herself and what she achieved on her own, because the love and favor from the padişah in her case, was absent at best. But.... her achievements and early apparent upper hand at first only stemmed from the fact that she was Kösem's shadow, she was essentially fooling her and playing with her trust. That is surely bold and the amount of time she succeeded to win in her hands is definetly something, but that facade could last only so far and when it dropped.... Kösem and Turhan were pretty much on equal ground. They were doing move after move and Turhan won only because she used Kösem's weakness. And her weakness.. wasn't the amount of power she wielded. Turhan manipulated her to let go of her personal restraints, which was what she thrived in, but that wasn't really related to power. Power was what Turhan wanted to get, not what she fully had. The same goes with influence. The spheres of Kösem and Safiye's influences were also much bigger than what Turhan ever got and no matter how well she twisted her words, her stunt could even become ineffectual later on, because she has neither ideals, nor principals, but we cannot deny she went way beyond her predecessors for the thing she craved, so I guess she could be here for now.

The Halime and Dilruba (+Davud) faction is not to be underestimated at all. Despite that, similarly to (one aspect of) Turhan, most of their power came from their ruthlessness and how much they were willing to use it. It's interesting, because Halime's most "powerful and influential" was her at her most desperate point, when she seemed to be losing control, because when everyone (the Jannisary especially) learned about Mustafa's condition, no one wanted him to be their sultan, and when Mustafa was dethroned and Osman was the one who ruled. The faction being ready to do anything to be in power and win caused them to beat Kösem in certain instances and were the reason for one of her biggest losses. As far as I recall, they were setting people against Osman and they were also fueling the fire around him, as well as the other stuff. Their opportunism is also a key thing in their power, while it could be also Halime's flaw, when it was her strenght, it fully showed. Knowing when to act (post-E25 Halime and especially Dilruba) and circling around all sides (pre-E25 Halime) is important and advantageous, compared to those who are more direct in their motives. However, when that ruthlessness of the faction is gone, they end up believing way too much in their own victory, hence they let themselves get off guard. Which is what, as well as their ruthlessness that caused Kösem to act even more against them, brought them to their end. And Halime herself could act very irrationally when the opportunity finally seems to come for her, which made her fall under Safiye's traps.

Nurbanu had enough power to guide Selim, hide his mistakes and win him supporters in a way, even though I'm sure she could also be pretty independent of him. She also ended up defeating Hürrem, all things considered. She was cunning enough and she gained influence considerably fast, judging by MC's themes, of course.  However, we didn't see much of her influence outside of Selim in the show and seemed to have opposition quickly after her supposed victory was approaching, with the Safiye case she didn't have the upper hand in, in the end. (though it hadn't been such an easy battle, I'm certain of that.) Nurbanu is definetly the most powerful and influential concubine of a prince, but would she be more powerful than the current/future valides before her? I can't say for sure.

While I don't see her as the most powerful and influential sultana of the franchise, Hürrem definelty brought something new to the table, especially in regards to all the traditions she broke, her more extensive foundation work and her getting in contact with the statesmen, along with vast political allies. Hürrem was the sultana whose power stemmed from her favorable position, but that alone. And thanks to both SS and the themes and the time period, that also could only go so far. Her fatal flaw (the fixation of her enemies and her taking the more opportunistic political allies instead of truly testing their loyalty) made her political alliances become unstable in the end. She had her severe amount of influence, but that influence... seemed to disappear little by little when she seemed to be losing, especially when it came to Rüstem. Her power comes from Süleiman and if/when he dies, Hürrem loses absolutely everything. She has her fair amount of legacy, of course, especially with the favorable treatment and her marriage and how far could one start going on the road of power (though that was more on the themes that set Hürrem as a trendsetter for similar character arcs, not so much on Hürrem herself, but it's stil there), but there're sultanas more powerful than her.

I don't think I'm going to go through all the dynastic sultanas when it comes to power, because their characters and arcs are very rarely connected to power. Still, I find the most powerful and influential dynastic sultanas of MC to be Şah and Mihrimah, and of MCK: Hümaşah. Şah is especially there when it comes to influence and how many things she succeeded to pull off, to the point she could beat both Hürrem and Mihrimah, if she truly wanted to, and Mihrimah had SS's favor and her own growing confidence in her own capabilities, which is also very important. Hümaşah has her power as Safiye's daughter and then, very loosely, as a harem ruler, even though she's not more powerful than her or most of the MCK sultanas.

Ayşe Hafsa had her own fair share of power as a Valide Sultan. She wasn't that massively influential and she didn't weave political plots, but she was very strong in the harem, which she ruled with grace and poise. She had everyone there obey, respect and at times even fear her and she didn't give up so easily in her fight with Hürrem. She was a tough opponent precisely because of the power she had in the harem and even Hürrem admitted she was looking up to her to an extent. Everyone listened to her sound advice and SS considered her his conscience, even though she slowly lost her influence of him in S02B. (and even then SS still cared for her enough, of course)

A bit of a bizarre opinion maybe, but I put Gülbahar and Mahidevran next to each other when it comes to the power they wield in their respective shows. That's mostly when it comes to the vast amount of supporters they both have gained whether it's thanks to their sons or their own personalities, which could put them a step above their rivals at times. (the "Mahidevran is dependent on others" remark.... could actually be as much her advantage as is Gülbahar's seek of supporters and how she uses that.) Both have sons they strive to advice in their own beliefs and while sometimes they may not listen, they respect their mothers a lot. Both gain their strength and power without being favored by their respective sultans. Mahidevran's power shows much more when she rules her harem in Manisa, as she she shows decisiveness and justice and yet can use the same firm hand Valide Hafsa once used with her when necessary. Gülbahar's power shows much more in the castle with all the reach she has thanks to her supporters, along with her big ambition to get what's hers. I would put Gülbahar before Halime and Mahidevran after Ayşe Hafsa in this list.

In theory, Handan had a lot of power as a Valide, but she could by no means adapt to it. She was trying to exert it as much as possible, yet she never discovered how exactly to do it, and when she seemed close to discovering, someone either worked behind her back or everything just went all wrong. Nearly everyone's lack of respect thanks to Safiye's influence was even harder to get over. Handan wasn't suited for this harem life and her only solaces were her son and Derviş. Power wasn't Handan's thing at all, still she was an awesome character.

Farya and Ayşe are a tricky case. While Farya was the closest person to Murat ever being favorable to someone (besides Atike, actually no wonder they're besties!) and he married her, she didn't have the safest position in the castle, because she couldn't have children for the longest time. What Farya got in the end was only a slightly more favorable position that could end at any given time and Kösem becoming her enemy didn't help, either. Ayşe practically ranked above Farya as a mother of Murat's children, but her relationship with Murat was strained, at the very least, and that could pretty much cost her her life. Gülbahar only took advantage of her. The girl was stuck in an abusive and toxic relationship and all she could do to end it, was take her own life and that of her children. Thing is, we're talking Murat and he's as abusive and toxic with all his women as he can get, along with his fear for someone to betray or outshine him, so there's only so much power you can get during his unpredictable and (both direct and deep-seated) anger induced reign, so both Ayşe and Farya are on equal terms when it comes to power. Murat screwed both of them over so hard, I don't think there was ever time or a chance for them to seek such power and influence like others have and I don't blame them for it one bit. It's really, really heartwrenching, actually.

[andromedasstarship]

faceless, nameless - the prologue

gif credit - @kylos 

pairing - kylo ren x reader 

warnings - canon-typical star wars violence, depictions of death/violence, fighting (verbal + physical), loosely implied physical intimacy (really up for interpretation here), angst, tension, implied mild love triangle, kylo ren betrays you 

summary - For four years, Kylo Ren considered you to be many things: his right hand, his confidant, an irreplaceable strategist, a friend and most importantly his equal. It all ended when he left you with a blaster shot to the stomach on a near deserted planet. On the brink of death, a rather dashing Resistance Pilot stumbled upon you, saving your life.  

Donning a mask to hide your identity, you’ve grown to become the most fearsome Resistance fighter they have; bewildering the First Order as to how you always seem to ruin their plans and avoid capture. Kylo Ren is a different man from when he left you two years ago, so how will he react when he accidentally finds you alive and well in Poe’s memories?

masterlist // series masterlist // read it on ao3 here 

next chapter 

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the prologue - the sun 

On Starkiller Base, there were plenty of rumors as to why Kylo Ren kept you around. Some said it was because of your extensive training in hundreds of different languages, both spoken and signed. Others were sure it was due to your diplomatic upbringing that came with countless connections and near endless wealth. Or, maybe it was due to your more than adequate ability in battle that served him the most. Even some people thought you were a kept woman, who only existed as a way for Kylo Ren to blow off steam behind closed doors. Your favorite rumor was that you were actually a high-ranking Resistance spy who was tasked with infiltrating the First Order at the highest level and that Kylo Ren had become weak because of you. Had it not made you laugh so much the first time you heard it, Kylo would’ve crushed the windpipe of the lowly officer who created the elaborate lie. 

Of course, there were some truths in all the rumors, but none of them exciting. You were in fact trained in hundreds of languages and that training was a product of your diplomatic upbringing. You were exceptionally trained in various forms of combat, but that was something that came after you met Kylo; he had always been afraid of you not being able to properly defend yourself. You were most certainly not a kept woman, not that you and Kylo weren’t intimate, but certainly not in the type of dynamic people thought. You absolutely were not a Resistance spy, but even though neither of you said it aloud, Kylo Ren was definitely weak for you. 

How it actually happened is quite boring. The two of you met when Kylo had just turned 24, still more Ben Solo than Kylo Ren. You were recently 23 at the time, head of a diplomatic welcoming committee that met with Kylo as part of his first official diplomatic endeavor as ‘Kylo Ren’ the soon to be Commander of the entire First Order. He quickly became enamored with you and the way you commanded a team full of older men who clearly didn’t approve of your position- whether it was due to your age or gender he didn’t know- but still treated you with respect; in short, you radiated a confidence and power he desired. For you, it was quite the opposite, Kylo Ren still wasn’t sure of himself and at times still acted like the awkward lanky Jedi boy who had never spoken to a girl outside of school purposes. He was a fresh and welcomed change from all the annoyingly rich and cocky men you met with on a daily basis. 

Him and his team stayed on your home planet for nearly three months. Countless delegates from various planets flocked there for balls, meetings, conferences, and more. Your connections ran deep and you directly aided in the First Order’s successes during those three months. For the first few weeks, you and Kylo skirted around the obvious pull between the two of you. He wasn’t exactly sure how to ‘woo’ a girl, nor was he even sure if he was allowed to. His lack of action caused you to regularly doubt if he also felt the spark, or if it was completely one sided on your end. Weeks of longing gazes and accidental brushes of fingertips finally came to an end when the two of you were sitting on your private balcony, overlooking the well kept grounds, discussing the conference that had just ended. It was a roaring success for your planet as well as the First Order, both of you securing mining resources at an exceptional locked rate for a minimum of fifty basic years. You made the first move, he was irresistible under the moonlight, closing the space between you on your bench and pressing your lips directly on his. In his hesitation you thought you had completely misread the past month, but it was only a moment later that his hands found purchase in your hair, pulling you closer. The two of you were nearly inseparable for the rest of his trip. 

It was difficult, when he finally had to return to his new master and some massive ship that would be lightyears away from you. Unspoken promises were made the night before he left, declarations of love and devotion made behind closed doors. He was still far from truly becoming Kylo Ren, had copious amounts of training to finish before he would see himself be fitting for someone like you. If he was nothing else, Kylo was desperate for loyalty and when you watched his ship leave you had no doubts he would come back. 

And he did, nearly an entire standard year later. You almost didn’t recognize him when he stepped off his personal ship. All broad shoulders and shrouded in layers of black, with that intimidating mask covering his face. He was proving to be quite the warrior, the tales of him and the Knights he commanded reaching the farest edges of the galaxy. When the welcoming festivities had ended and he removed his mask in the privacy of your room, you found a mature face that had lost the softness you once knew. It was no matter to you, flinging yourself into his arms and vowing to never let go. 

This time, when he left, you went with him of course. Kylo had been shocked when Snoke approved it, but Snoke, ever the manipulator, knew the growing attachment between the two of you would inevitably prove to be valuable in controlling Kylo Ren. 

Moving into a giant spaceship wasn’t easy for you. The dark, cold and everlasting expanse of space was a sharp contrast to your warm ocean planet. You missed the sun on your face and your people, but when you vowed to never let him go, you meant it. As time went on, you grew accustomed to the ship and then eventually Starkiller- which was an entirely different battle, that piece of ice had you complaining for months-, and soon enough you couldn’t imagine a life not in space. 

Most of your days were monotonous, not that you minded. From the first day you stepped foot onto base, Kylo began training you himself. He never wanted you to feel as hopeless and afraid as he did when he woke up to his uncle ready to kill him in his sleep. So he trained you, and he trained you hard. You could wield a lightsaber well enough, as he argued that should anything ever happen to him- a thought you hated entertaining-, his saber would be the best weapon you had available. You were smaller than him, so close combat was a challenge but you learned to use your size and agility as an advantage. What you specialized in, was the staff. It allowed you to give a larger opponent at a safe range until it was possible to take them down. Kylo had a special one created just for you, with double edged electrical ends that you could easily turn on or off. It was rare that he actually let you on a battlefield with him, but when he did you were unstoppable. Not that you minded, you quite enjoyed working behind the scenes, forming battle plans and leading diplomatic endeavors for the First Order. 

Other than Snoke, no one out ranked you, not even Ren; a fact he had been extremely particular about after a visiting diplomat made the excuse of outright ignoring and belittling your presence in a meeting. You were equals in everything, even going as far as taking on the ‘Ren’ moniker. 

Among First Order subordinates, you were fairly well liked, and not just because it was unspoken that anyone who thought badly of you would probably die at Ren’s hand. The people actually liked you. Ren was cold, you were warm. When he was sharp, you were soft. It worked well, his ability to command troops and fuel the fires of war was complimented perfectly by your ability to talk nearly anyone to your side. 

You never wavered in your support for him, ever loyal by his side no matter what he did or who he killed or how many villages he burned to the ground. You stood next to him, never behind, when new planets presented themselves as potential allies. You watched from above when he burned villages, that dared aid the Resistance, to the ground. You cleaned and healed every single wound he received from Snoke’s brutal training. You held him together when the pull to the light made him feel weak and undeserving. 

Anyone could see that you were the sun that Kylo Ren revolved around.  

So, when he came back to Starkiller on that fateful day, covered in blood- your blood-, announcing that you were dead- and he was the one who killed you-, and that your name was never to be uttered on his base or by any First Order subordinate ever again, no one knew what to do. 

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 a/n - hi!!! im so excited for this story, ive never written star wars before and my lore knowledge isnt the best ill admit, so please excuse any minor bits of pieces i may get wrong! comments/likes/reblogs always appreciated. if you wanna be added to the taglist, just ask and ill make one! :D 

no permission is given to copy or republish my writing on any other platform or account. if you see this story outside of my blog or my ao3 it is stolen work. i do not own nor claim to own star wars or any of the character involved in it. 

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + slightly burnt lion secondary (badger secondary model) (bird secondary model)

i hope you’re having an amazing day!! here’s my SHC dilemma:

i know my primary is lion, and it feels a little exploded, at that, but at least i know what’s up. but im still extremely confused about my secondary. i tried looking through other submissions, but i didn’t really find anything i vibed with 100%, but then again i have adhd and im really struggling going through all that text, it just kinda blurs together at some point

so, my secondary. taking the test, i always get burnt, often with a vague hint towards bird. at first i immediately adopted that and decided i was a burnt bird, but the more i go the less that feels right to me and i think it might be some sort of model.

Yeah. “doesn’t feel right.” Definitely see the Lion in your sorting.

working by elimination, im pretty certain im not a snake secondary. that ish doesn’t even sound real to me, i know there are people like this because i know a couple, but it’s just so weird to me that some people are just able to improvise so effectively, and seemingly change themselves like that, and they?? enjoy it?? it does sound dope, like i admire it, but wtf. 

Lion secondaries can get very *does not compute* when trying to get their head around Snake secondaries. I’m considering Lion for you. 

i do act differently in different situations or with different people, but i don’t think i have “personas” as much as degrees of awkwardness 

I see the burnt secondary. You’re definitely talking yourself down here. But the way you talk about “degrees of awkwardness” does make me think about the way Lion secondaries “change faces” by modulating intensity. 

depending on how much my anxiety is acting up, and the more anxious i am, the more i act like a doormat and revert to the proper manners i was taught, but like… that’s not me, and it’s not done on purpose, i don’t enjoy it. 

Looks like somebody’s got an unhealthy Badger secondary model.

it feels gross not to be able to act like myself, whatever the hell that is.

And you didn’t vibe with the Lion descriptions? This is the first time I’m reading though this and… very interested to get to the part where you talk about why you think you’re not a Lion. 

im also convinced im not a bagder - my mother is, and there are a lot of those in my community, so i was raised thinking that was the best way to be, an ideal to work towards, but it’s just not comfortable for me, i don’t wanna do it.

Yeah, this would that  unhealthy Badger secondary model you were talking about. ^

i don’t even think i *can* do it. i mean, “showing up and doing the work” is pretty hard with adhd, and not even the most efficient way of getting stuff done (at least for me), and thinking of the group and what i can do in that group is annoying. also i get that asking for help is important sometimes but it still feels like that’s just admitting i can’t figure out how to do it myself, which, yikes (don’t come at me i know it’s unhealthy)

Hey, breathe. It’s okay. Nobody is going to make you be a Badger secondary. Clearly you’ve spent enough time struggling under the weight of a model that doesn’t suit you, and now you’re pushing back against everything Badger extra hard. 

id rather find a group im a good fit for instead of molding myself to please others. 

See, that’s an exaggerated, caricatured way of conceptualizing how a Badger secondary works… but I’m not surprised that you think about it that way.

whatever i do, it needs to come from me.

… you’ve got a very loud Lion secondary. 

anyway im somewhere between lion and bird, and at first i thought i was a bird because i do in fact fricking love learning everything i can, i wouldn’t naturally call it “collecting”, i’m just doing whatever’s interesting in the moment

You mean you learn by improvising? :) Like a Lion? :) 

but sure, why not - i like collecting languages, knowledge about different cultures, books, music, space, countries, medicine, anything and everything, and i sometimes spend hours researching random stuff that im never actually gonna use “just in case im stranded in the wilderness and need to make soap” you feel? but it’s not actually because i think it might be useful (though i do get random bouts of anxiety over not knowing how to do certain stuff “in case” even though the probability id need them is infinitesimal).

Loving knowledge does not make you a Bird secondary. I’m hearing you talk about about a thing you do for fun, and - this is key - a thing you use as  a mechanism to cope with anxiety. ADHD can sometimes make you feel very scattered, going too fast, and your Bird is giving you [the illusion of] control. And I’m not going to knock that. The illusion of control is important. 

i just like knowing things and being able to use those things to do stuff. i wanna be “that guy” you can come to with the most obscure problem and they’d have some way of dealing with it. doesn’t that sound pretty bird?

Okay. Here’s the deal. You like Bird secondaries. You think they’re cool, and badass. Maybe you’d like to be one. But I’m still not at all convinced you are. I haven’t heard you use it to solve problems. 

but i can’t actually do that stuff. i think i used to, when i was a teenager? but depression and undiagnosed adhd kinda kicked my ass, among a few other things, and now i don’t really have the brain power for it and i feel like im not actually able to learn things as well, or to even think straight.

Wow. That is some burnt secondary talk. I can’t do things. 

(I promise you, people with ADHD have absurd brain power, and can learn things crazy well, although not in the same way as neurotypicals. You are right about not thinking straight, which I am interpreting as “in a straight line.” ADHD people think in webs and corkscrews and I love it.) 

 or if i did, i can’t learn as *many* things as i need to feel accomplished? which idk what you think but it kinda just sounds like burnt bird to me. 

Feeling like the secondary you have isn’t good enough can be a Burnt thing... but feeling like you need to manifest a specific secondary *more* (which is what this feels like) is usually a sign of a model. 

but here’s the thing. all of those sound real nice. and cool. and a good way of doing things, maybe even the “right” way, even though i know that’s subjective. but lion just feels more comfy, and idk if that’s because im a burnt bird modeling lion or if it’s smth else.

… you mean… like being… a Lion?

cause the “collecting skills and knowledge to solve problems” thing sounds cool, but it’s actually more just the first part that i vibe with? the part where i get to learn stuff! but when actually solving problems, i don’t usually think too long, i just vibe. i see where my instinct is taking me and i apply reason *after* that, or like, as a secondary, support thing. im not a dumbass either, im good at puzzles and logic problems, i can totally think things through and use my skills! but that’s not really how i approach problem-solving. i just jump into the situation and see what part of it is closest and start there, or what’s convenient, or what just feels right or nicer or whatever.

This is a perfect description of a Lion secondary with a supportive Bird model. Like a LOT of neurodivergent people (hi!) you built yourself some scaffolding using the Bird toolbox.

and on one hand it could be that im not confident in my skillset enough to do things the bird way, but on the other hand, thinking back to my childhood and teenage years, when i had better executive skills and i wasn’t as completely scatterbrained as i am I now (i was, but not as bad in some ways), i still did this? like, all of my major life decisions where made on the spot based on instinct and nothing else

I’m definitely seeing the Lion primary come though as well. 

whenever i have a problem of the interpersonal sort i just face it and talk to the person and don’t bother hiding or sugarcoating things even if it means hurting that person because i don’t want to lie or come off as something i’m not, when i need to work on a project i don’t bother planning, i just jump in and a strategy forms in an organic way as i go, you know what i mean? isn’t that what this “charging” business means?

Yes.

anyway i have no idea which one is a model and which one is actually mine. i love learning things but i don’t care about actually using them. i mean i like it, of course, but it’s whatever. planning is tedious and it kinda gives me validation because im meant to be “smart” and i guess planning is what smart people do, but it’s annoying and nothing ever goes exactly to plan anyway so you just have to pause and plan again or whatever, and that’s just so boring and frustrating??

I get that you like Bird secondaries, and I get that the picture of “smart person” in your head looks like a Bird secondary but just like… come on…

why not just do the damn thing?? and then what you have to do will be obvious anyway?? and sure, if you planned ahead, maybe you’d already know what you need to do and you’d have prepared it and you’d do it better, but who’s got the time for that?? i can’t use my brain like that! i need to live the thing before it actually feels real enough for me to think about solving it.

I have never read anything more Lion secondary in my entire goddamn life.

i hope this actually made sense and i gave enough relevant information, my head kinda feels jumbled right now. i mean it makes sense to me but i don’t know how this reads from an outside perspective. maybe i should have planned this like an essay or whatever lmao

thanks a lot for answering these & running this blog!!! it’s dope and you give really good insights and you’re just a super cool person!

<3 <3 <3 

[sineala]

Holy Crap!!! Asks are backkk ... best Christmas gift everrr. I wish you nothing but the best in this world!

I’ve got a question, I have read a few of iron man runs so my knowledge of the character is limited. I tried following the current run but almost every iron man blog I follow are hating it so much and I am scared to ask them why lol so I wanted to know what ur opinion and mainly what is Tonys character flaw? Cuz I don’t know why he is being called OOC in the current. I always thought his main flaw was indeed a huge ego and manipulative. I believe it aligns with his core character because he was a prodigy, smart, filthy rich and handsome. So why wouldn’t he be cocky? Also; I believe it is an insecurity/cover up. His dad paid no attention growing up which makes me believe it’s a habit of Tony to constantly act out to get attention elsewhere. Okay I’m rambling A LOT, my question is why is arrogant/cocky/insensitive Tony considered an OOC when I thought it was his major flaw?

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Love to have you back! 💝

Merry Christmas to you too, anon! Oof. I guess we’re getting the salt out early tonight...

Okay, so. This is kind of complicated, but the thing about Tony is that the way his character has been written has changed over the years. He initially started out as... well, the best way I can describe him is as a fantasy of ethical capitalism. He was filthy rich but he was also A Very Good Person, very kind, very caring. He was generous. He knew his employees’ names. He believed in philanthropy, and as late as v3 he was going around doing things like funding programs for low-income kids and funding women’s shelters. Like, he was honestly a deeply, deeply good person who just wanted to help people. (I can pull panels to support this if you need them; I just figured it would be a lot faster not to.)

You’d think someone like that would be egotistical, but the thing is... he wasn’t. He absolutely wasn’t. I’m not saying that he didn’t believe he was right, because he was also generally very confident that he was right (I mean, he’s one of the smartest people on the planet, so he generally IS right) but he also had absolutely zero self-esteem. And so I would say that in order to get arrogance you need high self-confidence plus high self-esteem and Tony had a whole lot of one but none of the other. I mean, this is a guy who, when kidnapped by Skrulls, who then posed as Avengers, figured out that they were Skrulls because he sincerely believed there was no way the Avengers would care about him enough to come rescue him. He has, canonically, described himself as depressed. (I know, that was Fraction’s run, but still.)

There’s a really nice takedown somewhere near the end of the v3 arc in which he becomes the Secretary of Defense where a senator basically asks why he should get this job when he is so totally arrogant and Tony just says that he has done so many things to save people that no one has ever found out about, and he has never asked for credit, he has never wanted credit, he just wants to keep people safe, and that’s just... that’s just really Tony, to me. (And he does get the job, too.)

Hang on, I am doing a bad job paraphrasing, let me find it. IM v3 #76-78:

(As opposed to say, now, when he’s spending most of an issue complaining that no one thanks him.)

But starting with Fraction’s run, more or less, the portrayal of Tony started to shift from “a billionaire who is explicitly ethical and a Good Person” to “a billionaire who is kind of an arrogant jerk because that’s what billionaires are.” So it’s not, in a sense, out of character for the current run to take this tack with Tony’s character, because it’s a direction he’s been heading in for about a decade now -- but many people who are fans of 616 Tony as a character are fans of his earlier portrayal in the comics, in which he is absolutely not arrogant at all, and many of them (including me) aren’t really eager to read a run where it’s just assumed that he’s an asshole and he needs to be knocked down a peg. Why would I want to read a run about my fave where literally no one likes him and all the other characters tell him how terrible he is? Why would I want to read him, for example, making casually ableist remarks where he mocks the idea of learning sign language?

The current run also flat-out ignores a lot of past canon in a way that people who are fans of past Iron Man canon can find a lot to dislike about. There are a lot of guest villains from the Silver Age, that is true, but everything else... yeah, no.

I mean, okay. My absolute favorite IM run is Denny O’Neil’s run, specifically the second drinking arc. I know for a fact that the current IM writer has read it because he likes to post panels on Twitter. And I’m just not sure how anyone can read that run and come away with the impression that Tony is arrogant, and yet that seems to be what’s going on. The audience of the current run is clearly meant to agree with Patsy as she tells Tony to check his privilege -- and while, yes, he is a billionaire, he also spent about ten straight issues being broke and homeless and living in a cardboard box.  He may not know what it’s like, say, to be born into poverty, but he does, actually, know what it’s like to have nothing. He has been there.

And also, contrary to Patsy’s assertion, Tony does in fact know what it’s like to be suicidal, because he has literally tried to kill himself at least twice, and one of them was in the middle of the second drinking arc, and, again, I know the current IM writer has read it because he has been posting panels from that very issue. Tony sold his coat to buy one last bottle of booze, sat down outside in a blizzard, and waited to die. And there are a lot of fans who find Tony’s mental health issues relatable, find his triumphs inspiring, and so on -- and so it’s kind of frustrating to read a run where we are, essentially, told that Tony is An Out Of Touch Privileged Dude who could never understand anyone having problems like that, because one of the things fandom likes a lot about Tony is that he does actually have those problems himself.

I think the best thing I can say about the current run is that it is crafting an interesting narrative about a man who needs to learn humility; I just really wish that this man weren’t Tony Stark, because in the way he’s been canonically portrayed for decades, he’s already had that covered.

I will say that the art’s nice. I own all three variants of #1 with the tentacles and am still planning to frame them.

This is not to say that I think it is wrong to like the run. Hey, if you like the run, I am glad to hear it, because I am glad that someone is actually buying this comic every month who is enjoying reading it! And it is definitely in line with recent trends in Tony’s characterization. I just keep picking up Iron Man comics and hoping that this month the old Tony, the Tony that I started reading Iron Man comics because I wanted to see more of, will be back... and he’s not.

[hakurasakura]

hi new follower here and i absolutely love your blog! <3

i was wondering if you’re still talking about charts?? if so i’d be so grateful if you could do mine! thank you if so :)

hello and welcome! and im glad you love my blog!

im sorry that this took a while (and that it is super long). everything is under the read more (disclaimer: i only did the planets and their positions. im still learning about the asteroids and the degrees)

taurus sun (12 H): when taurus natives work, they work hard. they do it with a steadiness that may rarely be considered quick–rather it’s a dependable and steady effort that has its payoffs. security is immensely important to taurus. although hard-working, their comfort-loving nature sometimes makes them appear lazy. this is only because they separate work and leisure so well. when they work, they work hard, and when they play, they don’t really “play” as such…they relax. solar taureans like to own things (and sometimes people). a nice home, a piece of land (this can be modest), a paid-off car, a couple pets, maybe a solid business…in love and relationship, there is an earthy kind of possessiveness that may be considered jealousy by some, but there is actually quite a difference between being possessive and being jealous. taurus sun natives are rarely jealous and petty. they do, however, think of the people they love as theirs–it adds to their sense of security.

the sun in the twelfth house indicates a desire for perfection. these people usually do not get full recognition for their abilities and efforts, but they do not mind. they are satisfied with their simple, quiet life in solitude. if they become managers, they will do their job inconspicuously and with modesty. their services to other people are an area in which they are likely to achieve recognition and satisfaction. these people are usually interested in psychology and research of psychological phenomena. even though they may feel the need to interact with others, they often feel alienated even in the middle of a social event. it gives them the opportunity to observe, make sense of things and understand.

capricorn moon (9 H): people with this placement see safety in being useful to society and you look for justification in the outside world. they may underestimate what they want from themselves and for themselves. shyness may be accompanied by resentment of the fact that others ignore you. they shouldn't seek approval from the outside, it will not get rid of their doubt and it is harmful to them. they have to trust their inner values, otherwise, it may happen that they succumb to external pressures. the need to cope with adverse reality since childhood may give them the ability to "survive" difficult periods. their talent for business can bring them success but they may be missing some carefreeness.

the moon in the ninth house creates an understanding and imaginative mind. these people are great dreamers and thinkers who have novel ideas. their views are solid and sincere, but they change their minds easily. they have a variety of interests and hobbies; they like to lecture other people. the Moon gives these people inner self-determination, which gives them the energy to lead and direct those who lack the same degree of awareness.

gemini ascendent: very curious, very observant, and analytical. always looking to expand their social circles.  love asking questions and mingling with others. can appear as restless as gemini rising people have an air of impatience even though they do not mean it. gemini rising people often seek a certain amount of personal freedom and space. and they enjoy intellectual debates and exchanging ideas. from my personal observations, gemini rising people can either be 1. bubbly, changeable, talkative and a little quirky, or 2. quite witty and clever, cool and intellectual (presenting themselves in a less cheerful and changeable way).

taurus mercury (12 H): they may take their time to arrive at a decision, but they get there — they are actually quite decisive, even stubborn with their opinions. mercury in taurus may be slow to start a new project, but they see it through to the end. they may need to poke them to get them going, however. they have much common sense at their disposal. these people rely on their senses when it comes to processing information. smells, noises, and mood are all employed. their communication style may, at times, be slow and measured. they are quite deliberate in what they do. when it comes to learning, mercury in taurus natives prefer demonstrations, concrete answers, and basic concepts. these people learn best when they see real-world uses for the theories they’re trying to absorb. not that they wouldn’t be able to comprehend the abstract–they simply process information better when they can personalize it (what use is it to me?) and attach it to the practical world.

mercury in the twelfth house represents the subconscious mind. thinking of these people is influenced by their subconscious and past experiences. Their decisions are based on emotions instead of logical thinking. these people have a tendency to be secretive and they do not like to express their opinions, especially in the public. they lack self-confidence but they are good at hiding it. this position also suggests difficulties in learning new things and it is an obstacle to developing the potential of the person.

taurus venus (12 H): love for venus in taurus centers on the physical world and creature comforts — they revel in sensual surroundings. these people project themselves as solid and comfortable. they need a certain measure of predictability and dependability in their relationships. venus in taurus can be possessive in love, and they are threatened by fast-paced, high-energy situations in the context of relationships and love. these are sensual partners who require lots of “hands-on” expressions of love. their lovers may complain that venus in taurus can get a little too comfortable and settled. it’s true that they resist change in their relationships, but even when they seem stuck in a groove, however, they are constant partners.

venus in the twelfth house suggests secrecy and solitude. it points to the introspective aspect of character and the need to spend time alone. it creates socially withdrawn people who are a bit lonely and disappointed in their romantic relationships. they are very emotional but they can subconsciously control their emotions. this position usually creates a significant degree of compassion for oppressed people and all those who are in a bad position.

virgo mars (5 H): these people are productive, goal-oriented, practical people. although they can be a little scattered at times, simply because they are doing so many things at any give time, mars in virgo natives get things done, and quite well! they have a knack for handling a wide variety of tasks at once, and a tendency to take on perhaps too much at the same time. these natives are not particularly aggressive by nature. although they can be a little hard-nosed and critical at times, they rarely resort to pushing others around. these people are protective of their “system” of how to get things done. there is a perfectionist at the heart of all people with this position.

mars in fifth house natives are fun, romantic, active and creative. Also, courageous and always eager to take risks, they're often sure of themselves and look only to have as much fun as possible. Mars in this position suggests they love to love and pursue romantic relationships everywhere they go.

aquarius jupiter (10 H): jupiter in aquarius is most lucky when they’re allowed to break the rules. they need complete freedom to try out their creative ideas, for they often payout in the end. this placement isn’t afraid to take risks as they offer great rewards. they bring in good fortune through their inventive thought process. they are out to change the world for the better, and they reap the benefits of their humanitarian efforts.

jupiter in tenth house keeps luck on people’s side in most situations in life. it makes natives with this placement very lucky when it comes to their career. however, they can also count too much on their good fortune and end up reckless or too relaxed when the situation would require them to focus. these natives are usually very open to making new friends, self-confident, charming, and very convincing. people will love and honor them for all these traits. they give a lot of importance to social status and want to be as free as possible.

aries saturn (11 H): saturn in aries realizes there are times when even they are not ready to handle a situation with unknown consequences. it’s a struggle that causes conflict with other people, and they have a hard time controlling their temper. saturn in aries tends to look more closely at them and decide whether or not it is in their best interest to steamroll ahead. this person is not as much of a trailblazer as other planets in this sign, but that doesn’t mean they hold back all the time. the people tend to be more rational and thoughtful. this can be used to their advantage when they’re actively trying to get ahead in life. they can rely on their powers of persuasion to get their point across in a concise and effective manner to get what they want.

people born with saturn in the eleventh house in their birth chart have lots of acquaintances but no too many close friends and these are likely to be older than them. their oldest friendships will last a lifetime. they're drawn to people who are serious and have a purpose in life.

aquarius uranus (9 H): uranus in aquarius is in its own sign and it creates inventors and people who like to apply new, untested methods and procedures. they like to fight for moral values and they love freedom. they do not let their emotions and feelings to restrict them. they are open-minded and open to radical reforms. aquarius is known for its humanity, and uranus further strengthens these tendencies.

with uranus in the ninth house, these people believe in freedom of beliefs, religion, and liberty in your way of life. more than any other placement of uranus, this makes someone interested in the truth of the system. in fact, uranus revolutionizes and changes their worldview quite dramatically.

capricorn neptune (9 H): neptune in capricorn gets their drive and ambition. this helps them to come up with new ideas. for them, inspiration comes from logic, reason, and the practical uses of different theories to better society. as a conservative personality, neptune in capricorn doesn’t often get “struck” by creative thought. they develop their ideas more slowly and thoroughly, as they do everything else in their life. they would rather work on things at their own pace and in their way. they don’t like to work together with others when brainstorming. more times than not, they would rather sit by themselves in quiet reflection. they are often obsessed with status, so neptune in capricorn tends to focus on ways to increase their wealth and influence. they like power and are always thinking of new ways to acquire more.

a natal neptune in ninth house suggests a very strong faith in life. with neptune here, there is a strong connection with the divine. these people are strongly aligned with their higher self. many neptune in ninth house people are very religious.

sagittarius pluto (7 H): plutonian sagittarians are understanding and philosophical. personal transformation can occur especially through philosophical searching. pluto in this position strengthens their innate (not learned) religious consciousness and feeling. one can expect them to create a new spiritual or mystical direction, and attempts to merge existing religions and churches.

pluto in seventh house natives are connected to the concept of a good family, a close and loving atmosphere at home. relationships are especially emphasized here. after all, they want to fulfill their sense of belonging as well. if it’s affection and intense emotions that drive them, everything is good and the prospects for a long-standing relationship are blooming. this placement of pluto makes people crave deep emotions and display a sense of responsibility that is rarely seen, plus lead their lives by their own very specific values.

[aquatedia]

Okay first time posting actual content on this blog so im kind of nervous for this. this isnt fanfiction but my own short story that i wrote that im proud of. so yea! also this is based of personal things so dont attack me

Warnings: self-deprecation, slight self-harm (nothing too graphic), implied homophobia, implied child abuse? 

She wasn't her parents. From the way the girl talked, walked, and behaved, it was clear she was different. They were everything she wasn’t. Her mother was headstrong, blunt, she held herself with an air of confidence, and always knew what she was doing. Her dad was quiet, intimidating, smart, blunt, confident, and liked to keep to himself. But they were similar in the way they were both kind, compassionate, and stubborn. 

She wasn't her parents. From the way the girl talked, walked, and behaved, it was clear she was different. They were everything she wasn’t. Her mother was headstrong, blunt, she held herself with an air of confidence, and always knew what she was doing. Her dad was quiet, intimidating, smart, blunt, confident, and liked to keep to himself. But they were similar in the way they were both kind, compassionate, and stubborn. 

Her mother was the strongest person the girl knew, her mother’s childhood wasn’t the best, but she was always quick to defend herself. Her mother was persistent, messing up but never giving up on what she was passionate about, but at the same time, was always quick to drop everything to come to her daughter's aid. She was protective, not letting the girl do things her mom thought dangerous. She always spoke her mind and would never soften the truth when you asked. When she comforted her daughter, the girl could feel the fierce loyalty and the silent promise of “I would protect you always,” to make up for the fact that her mom never protected her.

But the girl wasn't her mom.

Her dad was the quietest person she knew. But what he lacked in volume he made up in his presence. He was quiet sure, but when he walked in the room, all eyes would be on him, either anxiously or eagerly waiting for his words. He was tall, tall enough to intimidate even the strongest person and with a glare, they would wither. When he comforted you, he was fierce, silent but you knew he was planning on confronting the thing that hurt you, seething in quiet anger and sadness. It felt like he would go through hell and back to avenge you. And while it was nice having someone strong there for you, the girl knew her dad's past still haunted him; his parents weren't the most wonderful people, and the effects that had on him was evident. 

But she wasn't her dad.

Over the years, something in her view of her parents changed. Perhaps it was when her mom kept comparing her to her brother, wishing she was more like him. Perhaps it was the way her dad blew up at the tiniest things, making everyone in the room flinch. Perhaps it was when they punished her instead of asking what's wrong. 

The girl was an introvert, quiet but observant, headstrong, and passionate about her favorite things. Quick to defend herself, but just as quick to blame herself for wrongdoings. She was sarcastic but ready to apologize for any lines crossed. She was small enough and blended into the crowd, she was loyal even to a fault. Always coming back to those who wronged her far too many times. When she comforted you, it was quiet, words of reassurance whispered, hugs that made everything fade away, basking in the warmth and protectiveness she emitted. Underneath that, she was planning on confronting those who hurt you. It would be subtle of course, she hated confrontations, but she was willing to go out of her comfort zone for those she loved.

Her mom had greying brown hair that was always pinned up and beautiful hazel eyes, with what the girl always described as sunflowers in her irises. Her mom was small and had red dusting her cheeks with her usual smile. Her dad was tall and had black hair with grey creeping in on the edges, he was strong, the muscle poking out of the shirts he wore evident, due to his profession. Her dad was stoic and rarely smiled except for when he teased you.

 The girl had long dark brown hair, eyes a beautiful hazel with dark circles around the eye, she didn't like to stand tall resulting in her bad posture. She usually never smiled on the outside, but it was pretty easy to get her to laugh.

But even with the similarities in appearance, she wasn't her parents.

It became more obvious in high school. The girl realized she was having a difficult time in school. Don't get her wrong, she loved school and she understood most of the material, she was an A+ student after all. But she had a hard time focusing. She would be doing her work but a conversation happening to her left would catch her attention, she went back to her work. But no matter how hard she tried, her mind kept going back to the conversation.

Someone would be talking to her, but her brain wouldn't process the words leaving the other person frustrated with her, and leave her wondering what she did wrong. The scene playing in her head on loop. 

 Someone told her something important, she would walk away only to realize she already forgot what they had said and she would have to go back and ask again, making the person mad at her. Some nights she sat there at the dinner table trying to do homework but she physically couldn't.

She had a pencil and paper, and the instructions! But. She. Just. Couldn't. Do. It. 

Some nights turned into most nights, which lead to missing assignments, which lead to getting punished by her parents. 

One particularly bad day of forgetting and not focusing, her parents sent her to her room, preparing to have a conference with the teachers about her grades. Hot tears ran down her face, arms red and raw from her scratching, eyes screwed shut with thoughts running through her mind.

What was wrong with her? Why wasn’t she normal? Why couldn’t she do anything? God she was so stupid! She hated herself, she was horrible, she was- Her eyes snapped open, mind offering her one solution. Hastily with shaking hands, she grabbed her phone and furiously typed in the google search bar.

ADHD? She blinked in confusion, heart speeding up with every symptom she read, so she wasn't just a screw-up, she had a valid reason for the way she is! For the first time in months, she felt understood.

She got up and headed towards her door, preparing an apology to her parents for staying up late and possibly an explanation for the way she is.

Her parents were mad. They didn't even listen to her. Her dad took her phone away while her mom accused her of making excuses.

The girl went to bed that night hating herself even more.

Her view of her parents changed over the years. With their blatant disregard for her feelings, boundaries, and obvious hatred of those different from the norm, her views changed.

For the first time, the girl had realized one night, she wasn't like her parents, but maybe that was a good thing. For years she aimed to be like them, to be as strong and outgoing as her mother, to be as intimidating and fierce as her dad, but that wasn't working. It was scary. Knowing you're different than what your parents wanted you to be. And soon, she was more different than any normal person.

Her parents were straight, she was not.

Her parents were neurotypical, she was not.

Her parents were close-minded, she was not.

Her parents were selfish and acted out of the hurt of their childhoods, she wasn't going to let her childhood define her.

Her parents were quick to hate those different, the girl was going to show kindness to everybody, even if she didn't understand them.

She was going to show compassion to everybody. She was going to show compassion to those who wronged her, giving them second chances to prove themselves worthy of her respect, if not she learned not to waste her time.

And she soon learned to do the same for her parents. Time after time, she gave them chances, chances to learn, and do better. But time after time, they failed, disrespecting her present girlfriend, comments about her appearance, making fun of her because of her diagnosed ADHD, saying how wonderful she had it growing up compared to theirs.. It hurt, of course. It hurt knowing she could never hug her mom again without thinking of her betrayal, it hurt knowing she couldn't be in the same room as her dad, afraid he was going to get angry and start throwing things. She moved out of the house when she turned 19.

And now she has people who are the same as her and understand her, but the girl couldn't have been happier.

She wasn't her parents, and she never will be.

[taexual]

HOLIC - 44 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: it’s just raw angst

words: 7.2k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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It only took you a few days to finish editing all of the pictures you’d taken of Jaebum that night. You ran them by him first – and smacked him when he tried to make you swear he’d always be your only model – and then emailed them to his agency. You still needed their approval so, even though Jaebum had insisted you take these pictures, it was possible that his employers were going to end up hiring someone else, after all.

Except, as you learned on your way to work that Friday, they didn’t. As it turned out, the only problem Jaebum’s producer had with the pictures you’ve taken was that he couldn’t choose one. It felt like the biggest compliment you’ve ever been told.

The entire day would have been wonderful – Fridays already carried a certain aura of just being plain great – had it not been for a text Jiho sent you right when you were wrapping up, ready to head home. Apparently, his old friend was holding an exhibition at one of the out-of-town galleries he’d worked with before so you needed to keep your Saturday free.

Grateful that he’d warned you—sort of—in advance this time, you texted back in confirmation and were surprised to learn that Jiho actually expected you to bring your camera to the exhibition. For a moment, you thought he’d found out you’d taken Jaebum up to the balcony and had completely stolen Jiho’s photoshoot spot, so he was now going to get back at you by taking your camera and locking it away or something equally as unrealistic. But then you realized that made no sense – even if he had learned about your impromptu photoshoot, why would he try to get back at you? You’d done nothing wrong. Quite the opposite, actually.

Getting the approval of Jaebum’s agency provided you with a huge boost of confidence that you obviously needed. They liked your pictures so much, they didn’t know which ones to use – that had to mean you were, at least, somewhat better than average at what you did. What was more, that had to mean that, perhaps, you’d been too pessimistic about the number of opportunities you would get to make yourself known. Maybe you wouldn’t have to completely rely on Jiho to get your name out there, after all.

In the time leading up to the exhibition you had to attend with Jiho that Saturday night, you couldn’t get the memory of the photoshoot with Jaebum out of your head. Taking pictures of him had been nothing short of wonderful. You both had fun – although you did nearly freeze your hands off – and just seeing him through the lens of your camera inspired you so much, you had come up with three new ideas for a photoshoot if this one didn’t work out. But it did work out. Not only did you thoroughly enjoy the photoshoot itself, but the end result was also splendid. You couldn’t have been happier.

However, ruining the utter bliss of your routine with Jaebum as the two of you munched on pizza in his bed that Friday night, you got a call from Hyojin who was demanding to see you immediately. Normally, you’d have turned any offer to go out down – there was simply nothing you’d have rather done that what you’d already been doing – but because she was one of your best friends and, frankly, she sounded absolutely terrifying on the phone, you forced yourself out of bed.

“Are you seriously leaving right when Johnny Depp discovers the—”

“Oh, no,” you stopped Jaebum by extending your hand in front of his face. “Just because you’ve seen Sleepy Hollow before doesn’t mean you get to spoil the ending for me. Or watch it without me. Pause it, I won’t be long.”

“That’s not the ending, it’s barely even the middle,” he mumbled, pausing the movie nevertheless. “And are you saying I’m going to have to stare at the ceiling while I wait for you?”

“It’s just fifteen minutes,” you said. “Jacob’s dropping her off in front of our building. There’s no way Hyojin will make him wait for very long.”

“Why is she coming all this way over here, anyway?” he asked, already knowing all about your friends and their boyfriends. “And, at this hour, nonetheless?”

“It’s nine on a Friday night,” you said matter-of-factly. “She was probably out drinking like normal people do. It’s just you and I who get drunk on a Monday night instead.”

Jaebum grinned at the jab. “Fair point. I’ve paused the movie for you – consider that when you’re out and don’t keep me waiting for too long.”

“I will keep your sacrifices in mind,” you leaned over to kiss him and then stumbled out of his bedroom, your jeans still only halfway on.

Hyojin hadn’t been to your neighborhood before and it showed – she had her boyfriend drive around the block three times before she called and got you to come to the building they’d eventually parked outside of. But even despite getting lost, she looked like she thought that coming all the way over here was worth it.

“It’s great to see you,” you told her after the two of you hugged hello. “But, seriously, what’s up? You’ve never driven this far for me before, usually we just—”

“No, I know,” she cut you off, pulling her phone out of her pocket. “But you need to see this. I couldn’t text you the link because, well, yelling at you over text is not the same as yelling at you in real life. So, here. Look.”

She pressed something on her phone and then passed it on to you.

From the looks of it, Hyojin had opened up a tabloid site – with some very bad formatting that warped the text in every second paragraph – but you didn’t get to check what kind of site because your eyes immediately caught Jiho’s name in the headline. And then your name following right after.

“Oh, shit,” you muttered under your breath, reading on.

The article seemed to be a quick recap of the dinner you’d attended with Jiho earlier this week. It was accompanied by some high-quality pictures of the people who were there – and thus, you realized that this wasn’t actually a tabloid site at all, this must have been a blog-like website by one of the dinner guests – but its’ main focus, without a doubt, was the “budding relationship between the most promising young photographer” – Jiho – “and his muse” – you.

“I’m not—this wasn’t supposed to—oh, fuck,” you tossed around helplessly, handing Hyojin her phone back. “How did you even find this?”

“I didn’t. Jacob showed it to me,” she replied, her face executing every sign that she was about to scold you good. “One of his friends from publishing was at that dinner, so he was showing Jacob the pictures and Jake thought he’d recognized you. Turns out, his friend was actually looking forward to meeting you. He’d referred to you as “Jiho’s girlfriend.”

“God, no, it’s not—”

“Yeah, I sure hope it’s not,” Hyojin continued, too fired up to let you finish, “because this implies that you’re still in touch with that asshat and, not just that, but you’re also dating him.”

You momentarily recalled your last conversation with May at Mark’s bar. Evidently, she’d kept quiet about the revelation that your entire future depended on Jiho, so Hyojin was completely in the dark about it all.

“I’m not. I swear, I’m not. I would never! Jaebum—he’s right upstairs, waiting—God, this is messed up,” you brought your hands over your face in an attempt to collect your thoughts so you’d finally form a coherent sentence. “Listen, you can’t tell anyone because I’m not sure if I’m allowed to speak about this – at least not to the press – but—”

“Well, go right ahead,” she urged, “I’m not the press.”

“Yeah, but Jacob is,” you nodded your head towards the car Hyojin had just stepped out of – or, perhaps, sprinted out of would have put it more accurately since she hopped right out, slamming the door shut before you even got a glimpse of her boyfriend.

“He’s not that kind of press,” Hyojin rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t care about some photographer that’s fresh out of the womb. No one does. No offense.”

You didn’t take offense – she was right. As Mark had pointed out in his bar the other day, the only people who cared about photographers were other photographers.

“Right,” you swallowed. “Well, this was Jiho’s idea. He thought I should get some exposure before my exhibition.”

Hyojin frowned. “Why does he get to decide that?”

God, you thought you appreciated May for not telling the rest of your friends about this – she must have thought you should have been the one to do that – but now you wished she had, just like she revealed the truth about who your roommate was. You’d planned to keep Jaebum’s identity a secret but ended up spilling it all to her while wine-drunk and, in turn, May had told the rest of your friends. If she’d done the same thing now, perhaps you wouldn’t have had to face Hyojin’s judgemental eyes.

“Because,” you closed your eyes, “it’s his gallery.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” you groaned, your fingers suddenly very drawn to your scalp and, particularly, ripping your hair out of it. “God, it’s a long story.”

“Honey,” your friend put her hand on your shoulders, a very determined expression on her face, “I’ve got all night.”

Jacob pulled his window down, having overheard her say this. “You really don’t, love. We have a movie to catch in half an hour. Hello, by the way.”

“Hey, Jake,” you gave him an awkward wave which he acknowledged with a nod and then slid his window back up, giving you and Hyojin some privacy – even though he could, clearly, hear everything from inside of the car anyway. “You should go, Jin. I swear nothing’s happening. His gallery reached out to me and offered me… something. It’s not just an exhibition, it’s a whole ton of other stuff, too. It’s a great contract, really. But before I get to lay claim to any of those perks, I have to become more well-known so that my first exhibition isn’t a complete bust. That dinner is a part of a-a PR stunt, you know? Like, we were supposed to appear together as two photographers, having dinner—”

“Is that not what you did?” she asked, interrupting you.

“It is, but—well, they’re calling me his muse,” you replied. “Not his colleague. So, that’s not exactly what was supposed to happen but, I guess, it’s still exposure.”

“Are you going to do something about this, then?” she continued.

“I don’t know what I can—”

“And what does Jaebum think about this wonderful stunt?”

Her questions already made it difficult to catch your breath but this last one seemed to punch you right in the lungs.

“He doesn’t know,” you wheezed out, not raising your eyes from the pavement.

For the second time that night, Hyojin’s jaw opened and froze in that position. “What?”

“N-no, I mean, he knows I’m doing these events for publicity,” you tried to explain, guilt flashing all over your face. “He just doesn’t know—”

“That they’re with Jiho?” she raised her eyebrows in an oddly accusing manner. “Babe, what are you doing?”

“I’m—”

She shook her head, choosing not to listen to another excuse. “You have to tell him.”

“I will!” you said, sounding far too exasperated. You’d already told everyone but Jaebum and the constant promises you made about telling him were starting to weigh down on your consciousness. “He’s just been so happy, getting that contract with an agency, and all. Everything’s going so well, it just doesn’t feel right to piss on his parade. He wanted this for so long.”

That sounded like an excuse and both of you knew it.

“Don’t think you’re doing him a favor by not telling him,” Hyojin reprimanded immediately.

“I know I’m not,” you said. “And I will tell him. Just not right this moment.”

“Well, if he sees the article, it will be too late, won’t it?”

“He won’t see it,” you said and then, after a moment of panic, added a fearful, “will he?”

Hyojin sighed. “Honestly, no, he probably won’t. The only reason Jake even saw that was because of that co-worker who showed it to him. There are probably, like, six people who read that website and I don’t think Jaebum is one of them. I hope that isn’t the kind of publicity Jiho meant.”

“I hope not,” you echoed. “Although it makes sense that no one cares about this. We’re irrelevant.”

“No, he had one thing right – people don’t care about these dinners but they do care about who’s dating whom, even if the people in question aren’t too famous,” she said. “Sex sells—”

Your eyes widened. “Sex?”

“You know what I mean,” she waved your surprise off. “People care about that shit. They want to know who’s sleeping with—”

“It’s just—just a few events,” you cut her off, just the mere mention of anyone assuming you and Jiho were having sex enough to send your stomach into a panicked frenzy. “Any publicity is good publicity, right?”

“Well, Jake would disagree but he’s not trying to become a celebrity. He just writes about them.”

“Right,” you nodded, allowing the looming awkward silence to finally engulf you both.

“Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” Hyojin asked another uncomfortably long moment later.

“No. I’m not sure about anything,” you replied honestly. “But I want that exhibition and if that’s the only way—”

“You know it’s not,” she disagreed right away. “And, frankly, faking a relationship with someone doesn’t seem worth it.”

You continued to count the tiles on the pavement, feeling – and looking – like a scolded kindergartner. Any other time, you’d have felt like she just didn’t understand your situation. Merely a few days ago, you were convinced you weren’t good enough to find a place to host your exhibition some other way, but now you’d achieved a huge breakthrough with the pictures you’d taken for Jaebum. Now you believed in yourself a little – oh, alright, a lot – more.

“This isn’t long-term,” you decided to say. “It’s just a few weeks tops. That’s two or three more events and I’ve got another one tomorrow night. It’ll all be over before long: I’ll have my exhibition and then I can forget all about Jiho.”

“Hmm,” Hyojin had crossed her arms and was now looking decidedly skeptical. “And, I suppose, you’ll tell Jaebum about this another decade later, yeah? I don’t really understand why you—”

“I’m afraid,” you cut her off. She didn’t seem to understand why you sounded so agitated so, after sighing so deep, your whole chest began to ache, you explained, “I don’t want to lose him. I’ve already fucked up before and it lead to some hefty arguments. But that was before we were together, so they weren’t as significant.”

“When are arguments ever not significant?”

“Fine, they were significant,” you said. “But they never posed a threat to our relationship because there wasn’t one. And now that there is, I’m afraid that if we fight, it will break us up.”

“So, what, you’ll spend the rest of your life walking on your tip-toes, avoiding arguments with him because you’re afraid?” Hyojin asked. The more she talked, the less your words made sense to you. Suddenly, you couldn’t understand why you kept talking at all.

“No,” you said awkwardly. “No, that’s just stupid, I can’t avoid arguments with him for the rest of my life, but it’s so soon. We’ve only been together for, what, a few weeks, a month—”

“When did you move in with him?”

“I-I don’t know, a few months ago,” you blinked, not sure how this question was relevant. “Maybe three, three and a half—”

“Alright, so you’ve been with him for three and a half months, then,” Hyojin concluded.

“No, but we weren’t together before—”

“No,” she declared louder so she could talk over you – just like she seemed to do the whole night tonight. “No, babe. Every argument you’ve had with him since the day you moved in was equally as significant, and yet, not a single one posed any threats to your relationship. Not-a-single-one, you hear me? Because, from what you’ve told me, you and him have gotten pretty intense with each other before and yet, neither of you moved out. Not even when you didn’t think you were going to end up together. You have some real stuff between you, you know what I mean? The kind of stuff that can’t be broken by arguments… but might get irrevocably stained by secrets.”

You didn’t have a response to give her and sighed instead but Hyojin understood everything you couldn’t say just from your breath.

“You don’t want to do this with Jiho, either,” she said gently. “So, don’t put yourself through something you don’t want to do. Do it your way. So what if it takes longer?”

It wasn’t the first time someone had said that to you and it certainly wasn’t the first time that you considered the weight of these words. They were heavy but that was the case with the truth – it weighed you down until you could barely move.

“We said we were going to do this together,” you whispered under your breath, the engine of Jacob’s car nearly drowning your words out. “So, if I don’t do this, I’ll just have to watch him walk away from me.”

“Walk away from—honey, no,” Hyojin sighed, wrapping her arms around you, her sweet perfume so familiar, you almost started to cry. “He wouldn’t.”

“He wouldn’t have a choice,” you insisted. “That’s how life works sometimes. I don’t want it to. I don’t want him to—I just want us to do this together.”

“And you will,” she promised, pulling away slightly so she could look at you. “But maybe at different speeds. But who the hell cares? You were together before fame and you’ll be together after. You’ll wipe your stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame together and then walk into the sunshine, hand-in-hand. Who cares if you’ll host your exhibition a month, or a year after he releases his album?”

You cared, sniffling as you refused to meet her eyes. “A lot can happen in a year.”

“And a lot will,” she nodded. “But you two had already gone through so much, you might as well go through a little bit more.”

“What if that’s where the breaking point is? What if we don’t have a year—”

“Sweetheart,” she stopped you, suddenly grave serious. “What if I reach down inside of you, grab that paranoia of yours, and strangle it so it no longer bothers you, hmm? That would save us all a lot of time.”

You couldn’t control the snicker that passed your lips and got Hyojin to smile as well.

“Go back,” she told you then. “And don’t forget where you’re going, okay?”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean? Where am I going?”

Hyojin smile meaningfully. “You’re going home.”

Hyojin’s last words helped you more than you’d realized at first, and you woke up the next morning with a decision – tonight was going to be the last event you’d attend with Jiho. Once it was over, you would sit him down and tell him that you had to find another way because you simply couldn’t approve of this one. He’d have to agree to let you host your exhibition right now and not “when you were more popular.” You’d tell him about the pictures you’d taken of Jaebum and how much his agency liked them if he refused to listen to you.

And then, if he’d agree, you’d go home, talk to Jaebum, host your exhibition, and live happily ever after. And if he wouldn’t, you’d still go home, talk to Jaebum, and find a way to live out your happily ever after without getting your exhibition.

You hoped for the former but, as you applied your make-up for the night, you braced yourself for the latter. You knew that the chances of Jiho agreeing to just cut straight to your exhibition were slim – you and him were only seen together twice; surely, that wasn’t going to be enough in his eyes – but you trusted your ability to sound convincing. He’d insisted the gallery wanted you for your potential, so, maybe he’d fight harder to hold on to you and agree to your terms, after all.

In the end, whatever happened tonight, this was going to be the last time you were out with Jiho for publicity.

You nearly blacked out when, after leaving a note to let Jaebum know you were off to a photography event, you walked out of your building and saw Jiho step out of a limousine. A sleek black limousine – as if you two were headed to your wedding or something.

“W-what is—” you began but didn’t get to finish before Jiho’s bright laughter cut you off.

“I thought we’d arrive in style! What do you think?” he asked. You thought he was a lunatic. “Attract some more attention, hmm? Come on, get inside – got your camera? Good! – there’s champagne.”

You felt like you’d just skipped through, at least, three chapters of your life when you climbed into his limousine. Who were you, exactly, to have this expensive ride with undoubtedly equally as expensive glass of champagne thrust into your hand as soon as you sat down?

It was impossible to understand what was happening – although, from the laid-back way Jiho was acting, you’d have thought he took the limo to go to work and do his grocery shopping, so this wasn’t weird to him in the slightest – and, what’s more, it was impossible to figure out what would happen next.

As it turned out, what happened next was silence. Jiho was texting someone on his phone, so the only sound in the car was the rapid click-clacking of his fingers against his screen and the ever-so-often sip of champagne. You, on the other hand, refused to drink and remained completely quiet and overly alert the entire ride. When thrust into a situation you’ve never experienced before, it was probably best to stay sober and aware of your surroundings.

Once the limousine stopped – tossing your heart from your chest to your heels – about fifty minutes later, Jiho finally put his phone away and turned to look at you.

“Here’s the plan,” he declared in a way that made it seem as though you two were about to rob a bank Bonnie-and-Clyde style. “I didn’t tell you to bring your camera just so people would know you’re a photographer. That will come up anyway. I asked—”

“Will it?” you cut him off reflexively.

“What?”

“Will it come up?” you repeated, deliberately this time. You had decided to tell him you didn’t want to do this – even though he had to know that himself already – and you were going to stick with that decision. “Because, judging from the article written about us after the dinner, I’m not actually a photographer at all. I’m just a girl on your arm.”

Jiho, for some reason, hadn’t expected you to have read the article. Once the initial surprise wore off, however, he looked pleased that you’ve seen it and was almost inclined to ask who’d shown it to you. Clearly, you had your own sources and he was all the more curious to know who they were.

“Right, but that’s where it starts,” he insisted. “Slowly, more and more people will stop focusing on the fact that we’re together and, instead, will start to focus on us as individuals. I mean, come on, there are only so many speculations that can be made about the relationship of two people. Sooner or later, people are bound to get bored.”

“If they’re bored, they’ll ignore me and focus on you,” you said, “and I will still be the girl—”

“Quit thinking I’ll be quiet through it all,” he cut you off, showing you, for the first time since you’ve met him, that he also had the ability to get annoyed. “I’m doing this for you—for the gallery. Obviously, I will do everything in my power to make it clear that we are both photographers. Hence your camera here, tonight. I want you to capture this event from your own point of view. I will use one of your pictures in my review of tonight’s exhibition – with proper credit, of course – and that’s how everything will kick off.”

You bit your lip, looking down. If he’d told you of this plan earlier, perhaps you’d have felt less revolted riding this limousine with him. Still, though – was the expensive car so necessary?

“Fine,” you said, choosing to leave the conversation about how you wanted to finish doing these events until after the night was over. You were sort of an expert at postponing potentially complicated conversations. “Let’s just get this over and done with.”

Jiho smiled in response – the smile, that was most likely fake, looked so real that you started to wonder if he’d been faking this nice exterior the whole night tonight – and, opening the door of the limo with one hand, extended his other one to you.

“What do you want me to—”

Not waiting for you to start questioning his motives again, he took your hand against your wishes, and helped you get out of the car. There were three people taking pictures of the guests arriving at the exhibition and all three of them suddenly had their cameras on you and Jiho, eager to capture you two stepping out of the car, hand-in-hand. It was almost blinding and most surreal.

“Good to see you, Jiho!” one of the photographers hollered, his flash going off every two seconds. You were sure you had your eyes closed in every single picture he took. “Is that the missus?”

You cringed – but hoped it wasn’t too noticeable – and tried to pull your hand out of Jiho’s grip now that you were out of the car, but he didn’t let you.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Jiho replied sneakily, shooting a wink in the direction of the camera. “I’m here to have a grand night, admiring the artwork of a dear friend with a dear friend.”

“Is she just a friend, then?” another one asked. You felt yourself clutch the camera in your hands tighter in hopes of drawing more attention to it. “A close friend, perhaps?”

“She’s all of that and a lot more,” Jiho replied and you felt a cold wave wash over your entire body at his words. “And she’s one of the most talented young acts I know. Careful, boys, her pictures tonight might just overshadow yours.”

“We’re looking forward to it, Jiho!” the photographer said as Jiho lead you inside. Your feet were nearly frozen solid. “Have a great night!”

“You, too!” Jiho wished with a gentle wave of his hand and the two of you finally escaped the cameras by entering the building.

As soon as the photographers were behind you, you pulled your hand out of Jiho’s a little more forcibly than you’d intended and gave him a horrified look.

“What the hell are you saying to them?!” you demanded, not even trying to keep your voice down. “You told me you’d leave our relationship up for speculation and then you went ahead and—”

“And what?” he snapped, your sudden outrage frustrating him much more than your persistent doubts in the limo did. “What was it that I said to them that wasn’t precisely that? I’m planting the seeds of doubt—”

“You’re planting rumors!” you disagreed vehemently. “Do you really think they’ll care about my photographs now that you’d made it seem as if we’re together? As if we’re in love?”

“Of course, they will—”

“They couldn’t care less about that shit!” you continued, noticing how each swear word out of your lips made Jiho cringe and look around to see if anyone heard. “All that their cameras focused on was you holding my hand. I’m nothing to them—”

Jiho cut you off by taking a threatening step towards you, his face dangerously close to yours as he whisper-yelled through clenched teeth, “how do you expected to be something when you haven’t done anything? Popularity is earned. I’m earning it for you so show more gratitude and stop making a fucking scene.”

He stepped away a second later and, if you hadn’t been there, listening to him curse and put you down, you probably wouldn’t have believed it. Jiho was a fantastic actor, truly – the way he kept his composure around you all of this time was admirable. But there had to be a reason why you were so adamant to get away from him at all times; clearly, it wasn’t just because you’d misunderstood his intentions the first time you met him. It was also because somewhere deep in your subconscious, you figured he was just playing a role of Jiho, the sweet and eager-to-help photographer, while his real personality was buried deep underneath.

Well, you’d caught glimpses of his real face just now and, when he told you to straighten up and proceeded to wrap one hand around your waist to enter the exhibition hall, smiling as if you hadn’t just argued, you knew that the decision to drop everything, cancel the contract, and find another way to get your name out there was the right one.

“Jiho, I—”

“Shh,” he hushed sharply. “I need you to stay quiet right now. I’m looking for the host, I’m going to introduce you and then off you go, taking your pictures. Got it? I’m not in the mood to talk to you right now.”

“Me neither. I was just—”

His grip on your waist tightened. “What did I just tell you?”

His voice sounded like it came straight from hell and yet, instead of feeling intimidated, you felt incredibly relieved. You weren’t wrong, Jiho may have just been the devil incarnate with some very well-trained – albeit pretend – manners.

You stayed quiet, allowing him to search for the host of the night because you figured that if you had to end the night without a contract – you didn’t think it was possible that Jiho would agree to cut short to your exhibition instead of just dropping you right away – then it’d be great if you would get to meet a few more influential people beforehand. They probably weren’t going to help you out, knowing their relationship with Jiho, but it wouldn’t hurt to have them learn your name.

As soon as you shook the hand of the photographer whose pictures hung on the walls of the hall around you – your face hurt from all the fake smiles already, even though you’d only been here for less than twenty minutes – something happened that made you regret leaving your house tonight even more. You should have bolted in the opposite direction as soon as you saw the limousine approach, really.

“Hello,” an awfully familiar voice sounded next to you. You thought you experienced what falling from the twentieth story of a skyscraper must have felt like when you turned around to meet Jackson’s eyes. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Oh. H-hey,” you choked out, painfully aware of Jiho’s hand still on your waist. “I’m here with—”

“Hello,” Jiho turned around as soon as the host of the exhibition walked away. You may have feared Jaebum meeting Jiho but you couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going to happen when one of Jaebum’s best friends met him instead. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m—”

“Could you excuse us for a moment?” Jackson asked, his hand coming to rest on your waist instead.

Taking advantage of Jiho’s confused features, Jackson pulled you away from him and – before you could protest – walked you to the closest bathroom he could find, closing the door behind you.

“I’m sorry for cutting it straight to the chase,” he spoke as calmly as he could given the situation, “but, shit, who the hell is that?”

“T-that’s Jiho. He’s—”

“A scumbag that’s about to get his ass kicked, I hope?” Jackson finished for you. “What are you doing here with him?”

“I’m—God, it’s a long story,” you said, the exhaustion you’ve felt since you signed the contract showing in your voice. “I’ve signed a deal with his gallery, so I have to—”

“Does Jaebum know you’re here?”

“Jackson—”

“Because, I swear to God, I have no idea what you’re doing but I—”

“Jackson!” you said louder, suddenly afraid of the fire behind his eyes. He looked frantic. He looked like he was going to knock Jiho out right after he left the bathroom and his hand was already reaching for the door handle. “Please listen, I’m just—I came to the exhibition. I’ve signed a contract with a gallery Jiho represents and I need some exposure—”

“Some exposure?” he frowned, the look on his face depicting every frustration you were feeling inside. You were afraid to look him in the eyes. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I can’t host my exhibition while no one knows who I am,” you answered. “I need to—”

“That’s bullshit!” Jackson snapped. “How are you supposed to get exposure without hosting any exhibitions? Did he convince you this was a good idea?”

“No, I don’t think this is a good idea, I—”

Jackson threw his hands in the air, startling you. “Well, then what the fuck are you doing here?!”

“I’m trying to get my name out there!” you replied in agitation. Jackon’s accusing tone and the questions he was firing at you confirmed that your raised voices in this bathroom were going to be nothing in comparison to the storm this would cause with Jaebum. “Fuck! I’m just—I’m trying to get some publicity. That was part of the contract.”

Jackson scoffed. “That guy has you pressed against his side like you’re his trophy wife. I don’t know what kind of publicity you’re seeking but I can assure you, this isn’t it. Jaebum—fuck, is he on board with this?”

You almost flinched when he mentioned Jaebum again.

“Of course he’s not—actually, uh, he doesn’t know the—”

“He doesn’t know?!”

To say that Jackson was appalled would have been an understatement.

“He doesn’t know the details!” you tried to explain, feeling yourself tear up but desperately trying to remain calm – or, well, as calm as you could with Jackson looking at you like you’d just killed your way through the West Coast. “He knows I have to attend these events for a little while, he just—I didn’t tell him about Jiho. The three of us go way back, he hates the guy.”

“Oh,” Jackson said in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice. It was scary to hear his deep, somber tone take such a sarcastic chirp turn. “So, that makes all of this better!”

“It doesn’t,” you tried. “And I’ll tell him—”

“Like hell, you will.”

“W-what?”

“If you hadn’t told him yet, clearly, you’re not that eager to tell him at all,” he stated.

“No, I want him to know,” you insisted but you weren’t sure if you meant it. Hearing Jackson voice your real intentions was the ultimate turning point and every single ounce of guilt came pouring out of your eyes in tears. You really didn’t want Jaebum to know. “I-I just don’t want to fight with him about this—”

“Then maybe don’t do this!” Jackson continued, still as loud as before but gentler now that you started to cry, “if you’re doing something that’s going to start a fight with your boyfriend when he finds out, then you’re probably stepping out of line in a major way, don’t you think?” he paused as soon as he realized how riled up he was. He brought his hands through his hair to calm himself down. “God, I’m sorry, I can’t—I seriously have a hard time understanding this. W-why did you think this was a good idea? How the hell did you think faking a relationship with someone was going to go under your own boyfriend’s radar?”

You sniffled, trying to focus on your breathing so you wouldn’t sob out loud, “I’m not faking a relationship—”

“Oh, okay, well, don’t worry about that – that guy out there is doing it for you,” Jackson countered.

“No, I—this,” you felt yourself hiccup, “it w-wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Fuck, what was it supposed to be like?” Jackson asked. “Because last time I was on the phone with Jaebum, he was in my studio, writing a fucking song about you. I definitely didn’t think I’d hang up the phone, turn around, and see his girl walk right past me with another guy.”

You barely had enough time to process what he had just said when a knock came on the bathroom door.

“Is everything alright?” Jiho’s voice called out. “I hate to bother you but we should probably get back out here. We’re here for your benefit, after all.”

“In a moment!” you replied through a stuffed nose. Jackson sighed, his hands on his hips and his eyes focused on the floor. The fact that he couldn’t even look at you felt like a whole new stab of pain. “Look, this is the last event I’m doing. I’m ending it tonight. If they won’t let me host an exhibition, I’ll find another solution. I won’t do this anymore.”

You wiped the tears from your cheeks and tried to steady your breathing.

“How many events like this have you done already?” Jackson asked another moment later. He may have been angry with you but he hated to have been the reason why you started to cry.

“Just a few, it hasn’t been that long—”

“And how long were you planning on doing this for?”

“N-not long,” you said, your breath hitching again. You exhaled slowly before finishing,  “ideally, I want to end this tonight.”

“But you’ll still work with him – with a guy who’s obviously very interested in making the public think he’s dating you – and Jaebum will still not know about it, is that what you’re planning?” Jackson continued, watching your eyes fill with tears again but not being able to stop himself. He’d have put his life on the line for his best friend and it was starting to feel like that was exactly what he was doing right now because he knew he was going to wish he was dead as soon as this blew over. The sight of you crying because of the things he’d said was too awful to bear. “Jaebum will come to your exhibition, not having the slightest clue that there’s a guy who’s—”

“I’ll tell him!” you shouted desperately, pain spilling from your eyes without the slightest intention of stopping. “God, I will! I’ll tell him everything.”

“Will you? Will you, really? Because he’s my best friend. I can’t just stand here after I learned about the shit that he doesn’t know but should know. Fuck. I think you’re great, I really do. And, God knows, I’m so sorry I’ve made you cry tonight,” he added and then, even despite all that he’d just said, stepped closer to provide you with some comfort by carefully wrapping his arms around you, “I think the two of you are perfect for each other but, fuck…” he sighed after hearing you sob against his shoulder, “you know his heart better than I do, but even I can tell that you’re walking dangerously close to breaking it.”

“I wouldn’t,” you whispered, pulling away from him to look him in the eyes. “I couldn’t. I would never, I-I—”

“I know you probably don’t mean it,” he said softly, releasing you. “But he’s going to hate the fact that you’re keeping this a secret.”

“I know he is,” you nodded, stepping away from him and sniffling before slowly bringing your index fingers under your eyelids. Your make-up was most definitely destroyed but that was the least of your worries right now. “That’s w-why, the longer I stay quiet, the harder it gets to find a way to tell him.”

He sighed again. “You know someone has to.”

“J-Jackson, I—”

“Just go, okay?” he asked, turning away from you and resting his hands on the sink, his head hanging low. It was you who felt beyond ashamed and yet he looked like he was the one making the biggest mistake of his life. “That guy’s waiting for you out there.”

“Please, I’ll tell Jaebum about this, I just—”

“Go,” Jackson repeated. “Please.”

You reached the door but turned around as soon as the last tears slid down your cheeks. You waited for him to turn around to look at you but he wouldn’t.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” you said slowly, the ball in your throat from the tears and the pain and the guilt suffocating you. “I love him.”

Jackson whipped his head to face you. “Does he know?”

Looking down again, you didn’t even dare to shake your head – and you didn’t have to, Jackson knew the answer already. This was another thing you’d never gathered the courage to tell to Jaebum.

Jackson looked away again and, after another torturous moment, you dared to exit the bathroom, closing the door behind you and feeling yourself tear up yet again as soon as you saw Jiho’s polished shoes.

“What was that about?” he asked you right away.

“Jiho,” you said sternly, your vision clouded with tears. You thought you saw him take a small step back in shock once he saw your puffy red eyes. “I won’t do this anymore. I need an answer right now – can I host my exhibition at your gallery or not? Because if not, I’m ending the contract right this moment.”

“Well, of course, you can,” Jiho replied, surprised. His fake face was back on and you wished nothing more than to claw it off. “You just need a little bit more exposure and—”

“No,” you shook your head. “I don’t like this. I didn’t like the article written about us, I didn’t like what you told those photographers out there, and I don’t like the fact that we’re, essentially, pretending to be in a relationship. I’m not—I don’t want to do that. Either, I host the exhibition now or I’m leaving.”

“Well—that’s—where is all this coming from? I thought we’d reached an agreement. You’re so close to—”

“The only thing I’m close to is ruining the only thing that makes sense in my life,” you were the one who kept cutting him off this time. It was nice to have the upper hand for a change even if you had a feeling it would backfire. “So, tell me right now: will I have the exhibition at your gallery or not?”

“I-I can’t give you an answer immediately,” he replied. “I need to check in with the gallery and we need some time to consider this.”

“Okay. Consider it, then,” you said, exhaling shakily as you turned around towards the front door of the hall. “And give me an answer as soon as possible.”

“Wh—right, but where are you going?”

You didn’t stop as you answered curtly, “I’m going home.”

    chapter directory

[httpjeon]

❝ blowing dandelions ❞ pjm ― m.

― summary:

as a child, you met park jimin. as an adult, the same jimin is much different.

badboy!jimin/reader | e2l, childhood friends | angst, fluff, smut | 7.8k ↬ content warnings: blowjob, deepthroating/facefucking, pet names, praise kink, dirty talk, cunnilingus, multiple orgasms, light pain kink, mentions of death (no one major), mean!jimin, crying, fighting, light physical abuse(he like shakes u), jimin gets in a fight, tae tries to keep the peace

a/n: it’s kind of long im sorry. also this is from a fic title game i played ages ago!

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You always think back to the summer when you were 10. It was a time where you held some of your best memories, a truly tranquil and happy time of your life. It had been the first time you left your home in Seoul to see the ocean. You and your family had rented a little home near the beach and you could always remember how much fun you had when your feet touched the ocean for the first time.

The fondest part was when you had met a little boy, his name was Jimin. You remembered his chubby cheeks and endearing smile; he was happy and bright and it was truly contagious. He lived in Busan, in fact, he lived near the ocean and since it was summer, he had all the time in the world to play in the sand.

“I’m here with my Mama!” He had declared oh so proudly while drawing nonsensical things in the sand.

It didn’t take you very long after meeting Jimin to learn his mother was his whole world, he went on and on about how much he loved her. He had told you, a sad smile on his face, that he didn’t have a dad around. It was just him and ‘Mama’.

Somewhere along the way, you found yourself developing a crush on the bubbly boy. Every morning he would come to the house, ringing the doorbell and asking if you were awake because he wanted to play. Your mothers would sit on the porch chatting and laughing while watching the two of you run around and laugh.

You taught him how to make flower crowns as well. There was a little patch of wildflowers you two had discovered one day and as Jimin watched you weave the flowers together he had begged you to teach him how to. At that age, you didn't know much about flower arranging and truthfully it didn't turn out very pretty. It was a mixture of small flower-like weeds and dandelions. His fingers shook slightly as his tongue was poked out in concentration.

You found yourself watching him with a huge grin on your face and your cheeks burning with the realization that you found him cute.

One particular evening, there were fireworks being set off and you and Jimin spent the entire day preparing to watch them. You had set out blankets and towels, even asking your mothers to prepare a little picnic for you -- which they readily agreed to.

So during that night, as you and Jimin watched the night sky explode in an array of colors that reflected off the ocean, you were happy. Small fingers intertwined together and shy eyes met; he was your first crush and you couldn't even find it in yourself to be embarrassed. Jimin had a certain quality about him that made you confident, you knew he wouldn't ever judge you.

Jimin was your first kiss -- at the tender age of 10 it was nothing but a little peck but it was meaningful.

As an adult, you still held to it than that soft boy from Busan that you spent 3 fateful summer months with was your first crush, first kiss, and first love.

Busan held a special place in your heart and you hadn't been able to return to the sea-side city since those days. So when you had the opportunity, you decided to apply to college there. You were eager to see the ocean again and also to escape the city of Seoul that you'd spent your whole life in.

Saying goodbye to your family was sad, heartbreaking even, but with your pet cat in his carrier and boxes of your belongings packed in the trunk...you felt ready.

The apartment you got wasn't spectacular by any means -- one bedroom and one bath. The kitchen was small and conjoined with the living room and there wasn't a designated space for eating. Still, you spent days decorating it until it was up to your tastes.

The apartment was near the place you stayed at that summer -- so when you walked outside you could smell the salt of the sea in the air. As a student away from home, your school helped you in getting a job -- coincidentally at a flower shop. It was fitting considering your major being in plant sciences.

In order to work full time, you mainly attended online courses while having to go on campus to take your exams.

You were happy.

You were working at the flower shop, Sweet Arrangements it was called, for a few months before you met Kim Taehyung. He had practically skipped his way into the shop, boxy smile and messy hair.

"Hey, you have Tulips by chance?" He asked and you noticed that his shirt was sticking to his chest with sweat.

"Yeah, you need them arranged?" You asked, resting your elbow on the desk with your chin in your hand.

"No, no I just need a couple alone," He responded, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets.

"They're right over there, we have a few selections for you to choose from," He followed your pointing finger, and scampered over to the corner where he squatted and began to pick a few of his chosen flowers.

"Alright," He breathes, placing a bunch on the table in front of you. With practiced ease, you clipped the stems a bit and wrapped them so they were bunched together. His dark eyes made you feel a little nervous for some reason, and you found yourself exhaling slowly to ease your racing heart. He was a very attractive man and there was no way you could deny that.

"That'll be ₩27,000,"

Flashing a smile, you took his money and wished him a nice day as he booked it out of the shop. You briefly wondered why he was in such a rush -- perhaps he forgot an important date for a girlfriend or boyfriend.

With that, it didn't take you long to realize how often Taehyung needed flowers. He would come in at least once a week asking for the same thing; simple tulips. You never asked why he wanted them until what felt like his 1000th visit.

"So, tell me why you always buy this specifically," You asked one day while you were cutting the stems for him.

"Oh, well, I actually put them on a grave," He said, smiling softly. "She really liked tulips,"

"Your mother?" You asked, immediately feeling bad for asking before shaking your head. "That was insensitive, I'm sorry,"

"No it's alright," He smiled, taking the flowers from your hands. "It's something like that. She was like a mother to me,"

"I see, well, I think it's very sweet of you to do this so much," The two of you fell into a weird silence, just sharing a strange atmosphere.

"Hey, I...I wanted to know since you moved here if you've had time to make any friends?" His sudden question shocked you, and you blinked, adjusting your position to shove your hands in your apron pockets.

"Not particularly, I mostly just work and go home," You responded, shrugging your shoulders.

"Well, I think that we'd get along really well and...you're pretty nice so...if you'd like, some friends and I are going out for dinner tonight if you want to tag along," He seemed quite sheepish as he spoke, scratching the back of his hand and biting his lip.

"Well, I get off work at 7," Your response seemed to shock him, his eyes snapping up to meet yours in wide surprise.

"That's perfect!" He grinned, a boxy bright smile. "I'll come by to pick you up and walk you there!"

You didn't get to say another word as he turned on his heel, running out the door with a final jingle of the bell. You watched him out the window, running down the street until he disappeared from sight.

The sun was setting when you stepped out from behind the counter, untying your work apron to hang on the hook for Monday. You felt your shoulders relax at the idea that you had two days off from work.

"I'll see you Monday, Kyungok!" You called the owner, who was watering the plants. She grinned, waving and giving you a small 'see you' before you stepped out the door.

"Oh, right on time!" Following the deep voice, you were met with Taehyung's boxy grin."Come on, the wing place is just a few blocks,"

As you walked, you asked Taehyung what his friends were like. You were a little nervous, it was always anxiety-inducing when you were meeting an already established group of friends.

"They're a good bunch of guys," He told you, a proud smile on his face. "Jin is the oldest and he kind of looks after us and makes sure we don't get into trouble, he also acts like the youngest sometimes. Yoongi is quiet but he seems cold but he's the quiet kind of kind but when he's drunk...he's loud, it's really fun. Hoseok is really loud and really bright, he laughs a lot and he's just really happy. Namjoon is kind of the one who we all really go to for everything, he's our confidant and he keeps everyone mellow -- really smart guy too. Jungkook is the youngest in our group and he's kind of a crackhead, he does a lot of stupid shit and usually is the reason for Jin's rage," He paused for a moment, seeming to think about something. "The last is Jimin, I'm not sure if he'll show up...he's kind of hit or miss. He's...how do I put it? He's kind of a troubled guy, he's got a pretty nasty temper and he's kind of cold but I've known him since we were kids so he's my best friend, to be honest. But on his good days he's really nice and he honestly really cares for us and always makes sure we're doing well,"

"They sound nice," You replied easily, though feeling a little more anxious after hearing of Jimin's mean tendencies.

"Here we are," You found yourself standing in front of a little out-of-the-way restaurant. There were only a few groups of people inside that you could see and as Taehyung opened the door, there was a loud cheer from a particular group of boys.

"Tae!" They called as Taehyung escorted you over.

"Guys, this is _____, she works at the flower shop!" He introduced, which resulted in several greetings and introductions.

Seokjin was a man with a beautifully sculpted face and wide shoulders. Yoongi was a small, pale guy with sharp eyes and blonde hair hanging in his face. Hoseok had the brightest smile you had ever seen and he greeted you with a warm hug (much to your shock). Namjoon wore circle lens glasses and was dressed immaculately, showing you a pretty dimpled smile. Jungkook had an adorable bunny smile that contradicted his muscular, tall build and all black clothing. Finally, Jimin who merely flicked a bored gaze to you before taking a sip of his drink.

It didn't take long before you were familiar with all the boys and even added to their group chat on your phone. It was almost startling how well you got along with them, making each other laugh and having dinner with them almost every Friday night.

The first time you witnessed Jimin's temper, however, you were sure that all the boys would never want to see you again. That you'd be cast out for making him upset like that and causing an argument between the group and Jimin.

Hoseok picked you up from the flower shop on a Friday, but instead of going to a restaurant, you were taken to an apartment complex.

"We're heading to Jimin's," Hoseok explained, a little bounce in his step and a serene smile on his face.

"Really? For what?" You were surprised, you hadn't been to Jimin's place before.

"I don't know really, Taehyung just told me to bring you here instead of the wing place," Hoseok explained, exiting the elevator onto the 5th floor which was apparently where Jimin lived.

Room 510, you remember the number being. After several knocks, the door was opened by Namjoon who grinned at the two of you -- even placing a kind hand on your head in greeting.

"Hey, you!" Taehyung called happily, coming down the stairs with a smile on his face.

"Why am I here?" You asked, taking a seat on the offered couch beside Jungkook, who was playing a video game. He still took a moment to smile and say hello when you sat down.

"Jin's cooking tonight and I thought it'd be great for you to taste some of his delicious food," Taehyung explained, dropping down onto the loveseat where Hoseok had taken a seat. Namjoon disappeared into the kitchen to presumably help Jin cook, Jungkook played video games, and Yoongi was curled up on a recliner watching something on his phone.

"That sounds lovely," You breathed, relaxing in your seat to watch Jungkook murk a bunch of zombies.

You didn't get to watch him for very long before Jin and Namjoon were setting the table with a delicious pot of shrimp fettuccine alfredo that smelled absolutely divine. Jin greeted you happily, cracking an unnecessary joke that had Yoongi groaning and Hoseok cracking up.

"Jimin, come down for dinner!" Jungkook shouted up the stairs after pausing the game while everyone else took a seat.

Heavy footsteps followed, though you were more interested in the steaming, delicious food Jin was piling into pristine white bowls. Your mouth was actually watering, it smelled divine and you didn't hesitate to tell Jin so, earning you the nicest hug and thank you from the man you'd ever received.

You learned quickly they greatly appreciated having a girl in their midst, not because they could flirt or date you -- but because you offered a nice sweetness and lightness with your femininity to the group that was otherwise missing.

The peaceful atmosphere was rudely disrupted by a harsh voice spewing curse words.

"What the fuck?" All heads snapped to the foot of the stairs where Jimin was standing with fists clenched at his sides. "Why the fuck is she here?"

"Oh Jimin," Jin greeted, completely disregarding Jimin's words to greet him.

"I asked a fucking question, I didn't invite her," His voice was so low, it was almost a growl and his chest was rising and falling rapidly.

"I invited her!" Taehyung chirped, completely unbothered by Jimin's growing temper.

"Why the fuck would you do that?! I don't want her here!" Jimin snapped, making you jump.

"She's our friend, Jimin," Yoongi spoke up, mouth full of pasta.

You were feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the way you were being talked about -- like you weren't here on top of his nasty words.

"Jimin, come on, just sit down," Hoseok sighed, frowning but looking quite concerned on top of that. "We all want her here, so let's just have a nice dinner,"

"Shut up, Hoseok," Jimin snapped, making the older man stiffen beside you.

"Watch it, Jimin," Hoseok warned, narrowing his eyes as he obviously tried to keep himself calm.

"I want you out," Jimin snarled, finally addressing you directly.

His tone of voice had you scrambling to your feet, accidentally knocking over an empty glass. With trembling hands, you picked it up and scampered back over to where you had kicked your shoes off.

"No, ____, don't leave!" Jungkook stood up, whining at you.

"Go, _____!" Jimin snapped, making you jump in surprise at his volume.

"I-I'll just head home," You muttered out, nearly stumbling in your haste to get your shoes on.

Before you shut the door, you caught sight of the boys frowns, watching you leave. You tried to offer a smile, but you're sure it didn't meet your eyes judging by the way Taehyung's shoulders slumped before the finalizing click of the door closing.

While you received apologies from the other boys, you didn't hear anything from Jimin. In fact, the next time you saw him, he completely ignored you. He showed no sympathy or any sign that he felt bad for kicking you out that night which only planted a seed in your head telling you he hated you.

Still, you were pleasantly surprised to be invited out once more after that horrible dinner night. From then on, you rarely ever went to Jimin's place -- just because you didn't know if it was a bad night or he really didn't want you around. You felt as if you were walking on eggshells around him, he made you quite nervous to accidentally step out of line.

You eventually decided to forgive and forget. You couldn't let someone's bad mood ruin good times that you could be having with your friends.

One day, you were asked to meet at your usual wing place by Namjoon. It was a bit unusual because you truly didn't hang out with Namjoon alone often, he was usually just an integral part of the group.

"So we're holding a little...get together," The way Namjoon attempted to ease you into it immediately had you on edge.

"...What are you planning?" You squinted suspiciously at him.

"I know you don't want to go to Jimin's after last time, but the party is at his place," Namjoon explained and you sighed, but before you could say anything he stopped you. "We already spoke to Jimin and we said if you weren't invited then we wouldn't have the party so he agreed!"

"He agreed to let me inside his house?" You asked, receiving a nod. "For the party?" Another nod.

"So you'll come right?" He asked, gazing at you over the rims of his glasses.

"Fine, I'll come," You sighed before immediately being brought into a bone-crushing hug.

"They'll be very happy to hear it," Namjoon grinned, beautiful dimples and shining smile.

"I'm sure," Your reply was a little dry, but Namjoon continued to smile despite it.

The two of you continued with your small lunch and you learned the boys had drawn straws to see who would have to talk you into coming.

The party was hosted on a Friday night and when you entered Jimin's apartment, you noticed how much food and alcohol there was available.

By the time you had arrived, the party had already begun with you being the last to show. Jimin and Taehyung were on the couch, both of them nursing red solo cups filled with who-knows-what. Hoseok, Namjoon, and Yoongi were all standing around the entrance to the kitchen chatting amongst themselves. Finally, Seokjin and Jungkook were bickering over what to play on the stereo -- Jin wanted chill music and Jungkook wanted something to jam to.

"Hey guys," You greeted softly, earning all of their attention at once.

"_____!" Various cries of your name along with muddled greetings.

Before you knew it, you were pulled into the party. Jungkook ended up winning, so strong bass and beats flowed from the speakers. You sipped from the generously filled up of alcohol while picking at the bowl of chips in front of you.

It didn't take you long to realize they'd all been drinking much longer than you had because within an hour 5 of the 7 men present were passed out drunk. The last men standing were Taehyung, and Namjoon.

Jungkook and Seokjin had gotten into a drink-off with Jungkook winning because he ended up running off to puke while Jin quite literally dropped to the floor and was out like a light. Hoseok's cheeks had turned red several minutes before he curled up complaining that the room was spinning, before promptly passing out. And Yoongi, you weren't sure if he passed out or just went to sleep. Jimin, you were sure, had probably been drinking the longest out of all of them as he was the first one to tap out and fall asleep on the couch.

Taehyung and Namjoon were having a little conversation, thought you couldn't quite make out what they were saying through the giggles and slurred words.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," You mumbled, standing up and blinking several times as the room spun a bit.

Maybe you were drunker than you thought. Either way, that alcohol went right through you and you had to pee.

Scampering upstairs, you quietly slipped into the bathroom.

However, as you came back out, you couldn't help but notice Jimin's bedroom door was open. Maybe it was the alcohol flowing through your veins giving you courage or maybe it was just pure stupidity, but you slipped into his room.

The first thing you noticed was how lovely his room smelt, most likely due to the soft vanilla candle burning on his nightstand. His bed was unmade and a few articles of clothing were strewn about, including his favorite leather jacket laid across his bed.

However, the one thing that caught your attention was the big book labled photo album sitting on a shelf as if it were a shrine. You walked up to it and grabbed it, finding that there was absolutely no trace of dust on it -- it was either well used or well taken care of. Kind of strange for a photo album.

You took a seat on the edge of his bed with the album in your lap, flipping it open. The first page was a dedication page that simply said "Park Family".

Surely he wouldn't mind that much if you looked at it right? After all, it was just a family photo album. Plus this could be a great way to get to know more about him!

With that thought in mind, you began to flip through the pages. At first they were just old pictures, presumably his mother and father getting married. There were also some old highschool photos of his mother and father, and eventually you came across Jimin's baby photos. You smiled as you saw what a cute baby he was, chubby cheeks and all.

It wasn't until you got about 10 pages in that you began to notice something; Jimin looked awfully familiar as a child. As your suspicions rose, you continued to flip until you found the pictures of when Jimin was about 10.

He was on summer vacation at a beach and when you took note of a picture -- Jimin standing beside a young girl as both of them wore flower crowns made of yellow dandelions, two women stood behind them as they all smiled happily, you realized why he looked so familiar.

Fate had a funny way of playing games and for some reason she decided now was the time to start one.

Park Jimin, the bright boy who always had a smile on his face that you spent a wonderful summer watching fireworks reflect off the ocean; was the same Park Jimin who absolutely hated your very existence.

Part of you was thankful you made this discovery at that moment, because as soon as the puzzle pieces fell into place, a dark ominous voice came from the doorway.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

You nearly jumped out of your skin, turning your head to see Jimin standing there. He had his fists clenched at his sides and you swear you could see anger flashing in his eyes.

"J-Jimin--" Before you could explain yourself, Jimin was storming towards you and ripping the book from your hands.

"Who the fuck said you could go into my room?" He snapped, slamming the book closed but delicately placed it on the shelf as if he weren't even angry.

"I just...I thought..."

"You thought what?" He was growing angrier with every second that ticked by.

"I just wanted...to get to know you, but Jimin--" A harsh laugh cut you off, the man not giving you a second to get your complete thoughts out.

"Get to know me? What? So I could like you? Are you that desperate for people to like you that you have to be a little fucking creep and go through peoples shit?" He badgered you, asking questions that truly weren't meant to be answered. "I really don't see what they fucking like about you. You're a pest, you're nothing and I could go my whole life never seeing your pathetic face around me or my friends again,"

No matter how much his words cut you or how badly your eyes began to sting with tears, you still wanted to ask him one question.

"Where's your mom?"

He fell silent at that, staring down at where you still sat on his bed. Then, with terrifying stealth, he was in front of you. You could feel his breath fan your face from how close he was, his nose brushing yours and it could definitely be mistaken as him moving to kiss you if it weren't for the very apparent rage burning in his eyes.

"You..." He growled, his jaw clenching angrily. "You don't ever speak about my mother, do you understand?"

"But Jimin--" Again he cut you off, but this time he was violently grabbing you by the arm and hauling you to your feet.

You whimpered at his tight grip, reaching to push him away but his hold on you was much too strong. He was holding you by your upper arms and brought you close to him again.

"Do you," He breathed and you were sure you had never seen someone so angry. "understand me?"

When you failed to answer, he roughly shook you -- making you cry out. You couldn't understand how to boy you knew as a child could be this mean, cruel man.

"You're pathetic," He hissed, finally making the tears fall from your eyes. He simply laughed, finally releasing and stepping back. "Don't think crying is going to make me pity you,"

"J-Just listen, please," You choked out, sniffling softly when he scoffed.

"Get the fuck out of my home," He left no room for argument and you turned on your heel as fast as you could.

When you got downstairs, everyone but Taehyung was passed out. When he saw the tears falling down your cheeks and heard the little sobs come from your lips, he jumped up in surprise.

"______!"

"I'm leaving," You whispered, giving no other information as you grabbed your coat.

As you went to step out the door, he grabbed your arm -- where Jimin had been holding you earlier and you hissed. Taehyung quickly let go but didn't back off.

"What happened?"

"Don't worry about it, it was my fault," You whispered, stepping out and shutting the door behind you before Taehyung could say anything more.

As you laid in bed a couple nights later, you couldn't help but wonder what happened to Jimin. What had turned him into such an angry, volatile person that he was now. Then you thought about how he had responded to your question about his mother -- he had gotten so angry. He was such a mama's boy when you knew him, positively clinging to his mother skirt and holding her hand every chance he got.

Your thoughts were disrupted by your doorbell ringing. It wasn't too late but it was still past a courteous hour. You simply slid on an oversized cardigan that was sitting on a chair in the corner of your room.

You wished you could pretend to see Taehyung standing there, a sheepish smile on his face as he saw you. He had been blowing up your phone since that party, trying to fix what Jimin had done but you hadn't bothered answering him. It had only been a matter of time until he would show up -- and there he was.

"Hi..." You sighed at his small voice, like he was worried you would send him away. As much as you didn't want to face this problem, you didn't have the heart to send him back home. So you let him in.

It was when you attempted to offer him a drink that he opened the conversational door.

"Jimin's not a bad guy," He suddenly said, making you frown.

"Maybe not to his friends," You replied fiddling with the hem of your shorts.

"L-Look, he was mean I know!" He cried, taking one of your hands in his. "And he had no right to touch you like he did, but he's really not a bad guy. He's just temperamental and he's got some problems but --"

"What happened to him?"

"What do you mean?"

"To make him such...such an angry person?" Taehyung paused, seeming to not know how to go about responding to that question.

"It's really not my place to tell you," He finally settled on and you sighed. You should have anticipated that. As much as Taehyung wanted to redeem his best friend, he would never go about telling his secrets.

"I understand," You replied. "Well thank you for coming to talk to me Tae, but it's late and I really should get to bed,"

"_____,"

"It's okay, I'm not mad about it," You reassured, smiling when Taehyung's shoulders relaxed.

You never thought to expect that just the next evening, you would be meeting Jimin once again.

You had been asked to stay later to water the flowers and plants as Kyungok had a family emergency to attend to so you were left to lock up. However, just as you stepped out of the shop to begin your trek home, there was a terrible commotion from the small alleyway beside the shop. You weren’t going to investigate, simply planning on ignoring it and going home.

It seems fate wasn’t too keen on letting that happen because before you knew it you were sprawled on the pavement with a scraped knee and elbow.

“Oh shit!” A familiar voice had you looking around to investigate only to see the wide eyes of Park Jimin. “Are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah, I think so…” You muttered, dusting yourself off and shakily standing up. When you met his gaze, you were unsurprised to see nothing in them -- like being here was a chore. “What the hell was that about?”

“Got into a bit of scuffle, nothing to worry about,” He shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket like he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Over what?”

“Don’t worry about it,” He growled, glaring at you.

“Well I feel it’s my business when you’ve literally made me bleed, you jerk,” You grumbled, your words reminding you of the burning sting in your knee and elbow. When he didn’t reply, you scoffed and turned your back on him -- ready to walk away.

“Where the hell are you going?” He snapped, heavy footsteps following after you.

“Don’t worry about it!” You mocked, which seemed to only aggravate him more because he groaned behind you. “Stop following me!”

“Why? Does it annoy you?” He sounded much too pleased with himself, he was teasing you.

When you didn’t reply, the two of you fell into silence. If it hadn’t been for his heavy boot-clad footsteps behind you, you could have been mistaken that he was gone. He didn’t speak up again for another several minutes; asking why we were at the beach. At that, you froze and looked around, coming to the realization that you were in the place from that summer.

“This is…”

“I’m going home,” Jimin’s voice had lost all teasing tone it once had, and was instead empty and monotonous.

“Wait,” You grabbed his arm, halting him from moving.

“Let me go, I wanna go home,” He snapped.

“I know,”

“You know?” He scoffed, turning to look at you now. “What the hell do you mean you know?”

“I know why you don’t want to be here,”

“Shut up,” He snarled, ripping his arm from your grasp. “You don’t know shit!”

“Yes I do!” You cried, grappling onto him again. “When you were 11, you spent a summer here with your mom in one of the little beach houses down there!”

“What?” He softened immediately at your words, furrowing his brows together. “How did you know about that?”

“You were next door to me and my mom, we hung out all summer together,” You supplied, giving a sad smile.

“You’re lying, there’s no way…”

“I taught you to make flower crowns and you kissed me -- it was my first kiss,” Slowly, his look of disbelieving turned into one of shock.

“_____...her name...your name...and your mom--”

“Sooyoung,” You supplied, smiling when he softened completely.

“How can I really believe you?”

“I have a picture…” You pulled out your phone and went to your gallery -- the glare from your screen making you squint. “Here,”

It was a picture you’d asked your mom to send you after you found out about Jimin. You had asked for it just to make sure. When you showed it to Jimin -- just a picture of you and him holding hands on the porch of his beat house, he smiled. You swear Jimin had never smiled at anything you’d ever said or done and it filled you with a fluttery giddy feeling.

Then, the smile disappeared.

“She died…” He whispered, still staring at that picture. “About 2 months after you left, there was an accident -- dead on arrival,”

Before you knew what you were doing, you were pulling him in for a hug. He was warm and he smelled just like that vanilla candle that was once burning in his room. His shoulders shook as he sobbed into your shoulder, holding you tight as you consoled him.

“I was so lonely, all I could think about was how that summer was the happiest I’d been -- with you and Mom,” He stuttered for air as he spoke. “I’m so sorry I’ve been so horrible to you -- to everyone. I was just so...angry. I still am. I miss her so much, _____,”

“I know, Jimin,” You whispered, reaching up to gently stroke his hair, making him sigh. “I forgive you,”

“R-Really?” He whimpered.

“Yeah,” You pulled back lightly, getting a look at his teary eyes and trembling lips. You suddenly realized he had a little scrape on his cheek that was starting to cause his eye to bruise. “Come to mine, let’s get cleaned up and we can talk, okay?”

Once comfortably situated on your couch, you took a moment to clean your own scapes before sitting down to carefully disinfect and take care of Jimin’s so his cheek wouldn’t scar.

Neither of you realized how close your faces were together until you felt his breath fanning across your lips. When you met his eyes, you were shocked by the intensity in them; they were dark but help such deep emotion. Then, as if moving in slow motion, he leaned in to meet your lips in a kiss.

Your eyes fluttered closed, easily losing yourself in the kiss. His fingers cupped your jaw, angling your head so he could deepen the kiss. He lead it, completely dominating you but you truly couldn't care less as he let his tongue sneak into your mouth.

He pulled away, resting his forehead against yours and sighing.

"You're a better kisser than you were," His words had you laughing, playfully shoving his shoulder and in turn making him crack a smile.

"I was 10!"

"Well, you've gotten better," He teased, leaning in to kiss you once again.

You smiled into the kiss, your hands wandering up his chest to his shoulders to push his jacket off his shoulders. You could feel his body stiffen at the action and you could only hope he got the hint you were trying to convey. He seemed to, as he pulled away and tightening his grip on your chin.

"Are you sure you wanna do that, babygirl?" His tone was dark, full of dominant promise.

"Y-Yeah," You breathed, already feeling your body heating up at the way he was looking at you.

"Where's your bedroom?" You felt your heart speed up as you stood up, taking his hand in yours to lead down the hallway to your bedroom.

Despite the fact he had treated you horribly, you could see it in him that he was falling back into what he once was. Perhaps knowing who you were had helped taped some of the wounds his mother's death had left in him. You were from a happy part of his life and he appreciated that.

Before you could sit down on your bed, he caught you by the waist, fingers curiously inching your t-shirt up. In a flurry, you stripped your shirt off and let it flutter to the ground silently. His lips were on your neck in an instant, nipping and licking along the skin of your shoulder and collarbone. His fingers were rough, callused as he caressed you -- wanting to touch every inch of your skin that he could.

Before he could reach your bra to take it off, you were pushing his shirt up to pull over his head. The material scattered his hair, fluffing it up and making it messier than it already was. As you looked at his body, you noticed a small tattoo located on his ribs. Tracing your fingers over the ink, you noticed they were dates -- no doubt dates to do with his mother. He smiled sadly at you for a split second before pulling you into another kiss.

"Let me suck you off?" You asked, biting your lip as you gazed up at him through your lashed. He groaned, nodding his consent before you took a seat on the edge of the bed. You were at just the right height now. Mentally, you thanked the gods that you wouldn't end up with rug burn on your knees over this.

The veins in his hands bulged through the skin as he pulled his belt from the loops and dropped it on the floor -- the carpet muffling the noise. He flicked open the button, the zipper easily coming down afterwards and you felt yourself gush into your panties when you noticed he was bare beneath them.

"No underwear?" You asked softly, earning a cocky smirk from him.

"Go ahead and touch, princess,"

Truth be told, he wasn't spectacularly long but he was thick in a way they you knew would leave a delicious burn in the wake of him stretching you open. Precum beaded at the tip and as you wrapped your fingers around him, you could feel his pulse through the velvety soft skin.

Leaning your head down, you swirled your tongue around the pretty pink head of him. He groaned, fingers finding their way into your hair -- a soothing sting settling in your scalp at the force he was holding you. The deeper you took him into your mouth, the harder he got. His precum was sweet, hot, and a little bitter and you were eager to taste more on your tongue. Glancing up at him through your lashes, you were met with the sight of his lidded eyes and thick bottom lip tucked between his teeth. He was tense, eyes paying close attention as you sucked him off.

"Take me all the way," He ordered, using his grip on your hair to urge you to take him until he was edging his way down your throat, past your gag reflex.

He groaned, cussing explicitly when your nose met his pelvis. Your eyes were watering, a few stray tears tipping past your lash line. It felt dirty when his hand, abandoning its anchor in your hair to cup your throat where it was stretching and bulging as it contained his thick cock.

After several seconds, you pulled up with a soft gasp, spit dribbling past your lips and down your chin as you did so.

"Messy baby," He cooed, wiping some off your chin only to pop the digit in his mouth with a sigh. "Let me see your pretty tits, yeah?"

As he leaned over you, you took his cock into your mouth again. He groaned, but continued on with his task of undoing the clasp of your bra. When it was freed, he tossed the fabric away and stood up straight to gaze at your bare breasts.

"Will you let me fuck your throat, baby?" He asked, reaching down to cup one of your breasts as you continued to suck him off. You nodded, refusing to free your mouth of him to answer. He muttered a little praise of 'good girl' before bracing himself to begin thrusting into your mouth.

You relaxed your throat, getting used to the first few shallow thrusts -- just a little taste of what was to come.

When your hands gripped his thighs, it was like a band snapping and then he was fucking your throat. He held nothing back, making you choke and gag around him. He groaned, feeling how tight and hot your throat was around him and it only turned into a moan when you cupped his ball -- full and heavy against your palm.

"Dirty girl," He chuckled, bangs matted to his forehead with sweat.

By the time he was done, everything was messy with your spit and he was sticky with sweat. Once you caught your breath, you leaned forward to press a light kiss to the tip of him -- his precum and your own saliva mixing together.

"Fuck, you're so good," He cooed, picking up his disposed shirt to clean up your mouth and chest where you had drooled down onto.

"Thank you," You replied, a little smirk on your lips which made him chuckle.

"How about I pay you back, hm? For being such a good girl," You nodded, already feeling excited. "Lay back for me,"

You did as he asked with no hesitation, getting yourself comfortable in your pillows. He stripped off his jeans, leaving him bare before you while also giving you a little show. You decided to follow his lead to save a little work and by the time he crawled onto the bed you were naked as well.

He didn't waste a single second situating himself between your thighs -- spreading your thighs for him to expose your wet cunt to his greedy eyes. His lips were swollen from being bitten but they felt phenomenal capturing your clit between them.

"Mmm, such a pretty little cunt, baby," He cooed after releasing the bud, swirling his tongue around it to make you whine. "You're so sensitive too huh? When was the last time you let someone eat your pussy?"

"I-I--" You gasped when his tongue found its way into your pulsing hole -- moaning at your taste.

"Answer me," He growled, voice muffled.

"I don't remember! A-A little while," You admitted, feeling your face burn at the admission of not getting laid in so long.

"Hmm, how sad," He smirked, introducing two fingers he used to spread your folds. "A cunt this pretty should be eaten every day, I think,"

You face burned further at his words -- he had such a dirty mouth.

He didn't seem to expect an answer this time because he dove back in -- eating you out like a man starved. You were almost close already; maybe you were needy than you had thought. Or perhaps it was just Jimin's impact on your body.

"Ah, if you're gonna cum," He stopped, grinning wolfishly before laying beside you on the bed. "it's gonna be on my cock,"

Taking the hint, you straddled his hips. He gripped his own cock, helping you lower yourself down onto him. He hadn't prepared your entrance very well so there was quite a sting but fuck did it feel good. When you bottomed down, you were were trembling.

"Go ahead, baby," He encouraged, holding your waist as you eagerly started to ride him.

You whined, gripping his hands on your body as the pleasure began to rise once more -- remnants of your denied orgasm.

"Close?" He breathed, abandoning his hold on one of your sides to find your clit with his deft thumb. Circling the throbbing, swollen little bud had you flying over the edge into your orgasm.

"Fuck!" You cried, tossing your head back as your body trembled. Jimin groaned beneath you, feeling the way your cunt tried to milk him of his own orgasm -- which he expertly held back.

As you settled down, panting and trembling calming but you were still speared on his cock.

"Such a good girl," He cooed, sitting up to press a kiss to your lips before your world suddenly flipped and you found yourself on your back with Jimin on top of you.

He was fucking you again -- hips moving at a breakneck speed as the head of his cock nailed your g-spot with crippling accuracy. You were still so sensitive from your orgasm that you couldn't help but claw at his back -- probably drawing blood. He didn't seem to mind, however, as the prick of pain only seemed to spur him on.

You were thrown into an orgasm once again, your eyes rolling back as you cried out his name. This time Jimin couldn't hold his orgasm back -- spilling into you with a soft whine into your chest.

The everything was still. It felt like an hour passed before he moved, pulling out of you and getting up.

You felt oddly cold without him near. He came out of the bathroom with a towel -- one that was in the cabinet. You didn't really peg Jimin as one to really care enough to clean up his partner but tonight had opened a lot of doors of unexpectedness from him.

"Can I crash here tonight?" He asked suddenly as he cleaned the last bit of his cum off your thighs.

"Yeah of course," You replied easily, feeling giddy from having him with you for longer.

He crawled into bed with you -- neither of you really caring or feeling like stripping the bed or putting clothes on. It was a problem for tomorrow.

Then, under the blanket of darkness after he turned out the light, he pulled you close to his body.

"I don't wanna lose you, ____," He whispered, his breath fanning across your face.

"Me either," You also whispered, any louder feeling wrong.

"I hope you'll stay by my side and forgive me for how I've treated you,"

"I already do, Jimin," You kissed his cheek, smiling at him through the darkness. "And I'm not going to go anywhere, I promise,"

"Do you remember that summer, it was the last day and we both knew we weren't going to see each other again," He started, tightening his hold on you. "And we were making wishes by blowing dandelions?"

"Yeah, I remember,"

"I wished that I would be as happy as I was then again one day," He confessed, nuzzling you softly. "And I think I'm that road now,"

© httpjeon 2019. do not repost or modify.

[queermediastudies]

Creating Identities: The Coming Out Narrative of Love, Simon

Love, Simon is a 2018 film adaption of the book Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, written by Becky Albertalli. The film follows the life of Simon Spier, a seventeen-year-old closeted high school senior and his relationship with his parents and younger sister, his friends Nick, Abby, and Leah, his blackmailer Martin, and his anonymous crush who goes by the alias of Blue. Simon himself knows he is gay and has known since he was thirteen. However, he has never had the opportunity to engage in this part of himself, as he has been in the closet for the last four years and surrounded by assumedly only straight friends and family (I say “assumedly,” because, later in a companion novel the audience learns that Leah and Abby are both bisexuals). Love, Simon, both as a book and a movie, explores concepts centering mainly around aspects of coming out and being gay in a heteronormative society, the production and engagement of queer identities amongst queer people who are in “the closet,” and finally touches on issues surrounding who is allowed to create and produce queer stories.

The movie begins with Simon narrating his life, explaining that he is a typical high schooler with a great family and amazing friends. However, Simon then reveals he has “one huge-ass secret,” he is gay. Moments up to Simon revealing this secret to the audience, we see him looking longingly at a boy across the street who is doing yard work and is interrupted by his dad, who jokes about Simon being in a relationship with Gigi Hadid. While this moment is deceptively simple, throughout the film, many characters make similar comments about sexuality. For instance, later on, when Simon and his family are watching the Bachelor, his father makes numerous comments about how the Bachelor is gay and describes him as “so fruity.” While Simon knows his family would still accept him for being gay, it is moments like this that queer audiences can relate to, and the exact reason that Simon does not feel comfortable coming out to his father. These scenes and jokes reflect both the dominant, mainstream ideology of heteronormativity and the reality many queer people face daily. Additionally, scenes such as this or the one between Simon and Leah, where they are guessing the identity of the anonymous gay classmate and Leah, assumes a classmate is gay because he likes Les Mis, which demonstrates contemporary stereotypes of gay people and the reinforcement of gender roles that support these stereotypes.

While we do see instances of Simon’s queer identity, it is not until Simon discovers Blue on the school’s blog, Creek Secrets, after reading Blue’s post about the ups and downs of being closeted, that Simon finally gets to engage queer identity work (Cavalcante 2017, 12-15). Queer identity work is “the collective labor of crafting, articulating, and performing LGBT identities” (Cavalcante 2017, 13). Throughout the film, we learn how Simon and Blue can engage in crafting and performing their identities as gay teenagers in the closet through their developing relationship over a series of shared emails. The boys have conversations about the dynamics of coming out being only for queer people (there is a hilarious, imaginative sequence where Simon’s friends come out as heterosexual out to their parents), college as a fresh start to be open, and the difficulties of being in the closet.

 Although it is cute to see the developing relationship between Blue and Simon, at one point, Martin, another classmate, screenshots the emails and weaponize Simon’s sexuality against him by blackmailing him into helping him win Abby’s affections. Ultimately Simon agrees, fearing that if the emails and his identity were leaked, Blue would be scared off and goes through with interfering with his friends’ lives. Predictably this all goes wrong, and a hurt Martin exposes Simon’s sexuality anyway. As a consequence of being out to the whole school, there is an instance in the lunchroom where Simon and Ethan – an openly gay classmate – are bullied. Although the teachers and vice principal are on Simon and Ethan’s side, their bullies are told the school expects them to be tolerant. Walters (2015, 2) states, “it doesn’t make sense to say that we tolerate something unless we think that it wrong in some way.” This quote is important in its relation to Simon’s fear of coming out because he does not want to be treated differently or “tolerated,” Like many other queer people, he just wants to be himself and accepted. After this, the film quickly wraps itself up, with Simon becomes more confident with himself after some heartfelt conversations with his parents, reconciling with his friends, making a public post about his sexuality, and asking Blue to meet him at the Ferris wheel. In general, the last half of the movie does feel rushed, which is a shame because Simon seems to lose everything and get it all back too quickly.        

While overall, I think the film succeeds on many marks relating to a more positive coming out story save for the part about blackmail and outing someone, there are moments in the film that can be perceived as problematic. Firstly, while I disagree with many of the points made in Ashley Kim’s (2018) review of Love, Simon whereby she explains why she sees it as a poor representation for queer stories, I can agree with her that the scene in which Simon learns Blue’s identity does feel like a “spectacle,” as she calls it. While it is nice that Simon has support, the fact that so many of his peers are watching him riding the Ferris wheel waiting for Blue felt strange, especially when one girl – who thankfully the other characters stopped – tried recording the whole event. It just felt odd that so many people were intruding on this personal experience, especially since I feel like having that many people watching would have made it difficult for Blue to want to reveal his identity to Simon (since this was a conflict throughout the movie of Blue being not ready to do so).

Another issue with the representation in this movie is that although there is a diverse cast in Love, Simon, it would have been nice to see a focus outside of the one placed on the coming-out narrative. In Dow’s (2018, page) analysis on the visibility politics on television, she mentions that there is a refusal to “recognize the existence of organized, systemic, or politically oppressive homophobia.” Similar to the Ellen episodes, I think while coming out stories are still necessary forms of representation, the lack of intersectionality with any other issues (besides two instances of Simon and another gay character getting bullied), there is no discussion about the repercussions of being gay in a heteronormative society. The biggest issue for Simon is coming to terms with himself and his identity, and the fact that he was outed to the whole school. Although the film does address that Simon is privileged with having an accepting family, I would have loved if this theme was explored more.

Finally, the last issue is about my point on how Love, Simon represents a debate about who can produce queer movies and stories. At the time of the movie and book, Albertalli was assumed by many to be a straight, cisgender woman. However, since then, Albertalli (2020) in a post called “I know I’m Late,” discusses how at the time she was questioning her sexuality, but so many people had already assumed she was just a straight, cisgender, white woman writing about a community she isn’t apart of. Albertalli also brings up how it is fair to question the production of queer stories and want more queer authors, but asks audiences to recognize not every queer author is out of the closet. Going forwards in our studies of queer media production, I wonder how we can reconcile queer content made by people who are in the closet and those who are straight and profiting on a community that is not their own.

References:

Albertalli, B. (2020, August 31). I know I'm late. Retrieved October 30, 2020, from https://medium.com/@rebecca.albertalli/i-know-im-late-9b31de339c62

Cavalcante, Andre (2017). “Breaking into Transgender Life: Transgender Audiences’ Experiences With ‘First of Its Kind’ Visibility in Popular Media.” Communication, Culture & Critique, 1-18.

Dow, Bonnie (2001). “Ellen, Television, and the Politics of Gay and Lesbian Visibility.” Critical Studies in Media Communication 18(2), 123-140.

Kim, A. (2018, April 06). Stop praising Love, Simon. Retrieved October 30, 2020, from http://cu-sentry.com/2018/04/04/stop-praising-love-simon/

Walters, Suzanna D. (2014) “Introduction: That’s so Gay! (Or is it!?)” in The Tolerance Trap: How God, Genes, and Good Intentions are Sabotaging Gay Equality, 1-16.

[natsships]

Okay, because I'm curious... what's your favorite song from The Book of Mormon? How did you and Elder Price get together? Does his religion have any impact on your relationship? Where do you two like to go on dates?

OHHH these are good omg ok so,,

1) Favorite song?? Man I could NOT pick tbh, I think the best I could do is a top 5 (in no particular order):

-All-American Prophet: My favorite to just vibe (dance badly) to because it goes so hard, also I LOVE the staging of this scene with Joseph Smith acting out the story in the background as Kevin tells it,, it’s really simple but fun!!

-I Believe: MY BOY’S BIG SOLO NUMBER 🥺 I know like most of the show it’s pokin fun at religion but hearing him so confident and full of purpose again after he was previously doubting himself and falling away from faith always brings a smile to my face

-Hello!: The perfect opening number. Literally starts the show with missionaries opening the door n singing at you as a big chorus. Conceptually just amazing, and just as good in execution 20/10

-Man Up: Doesn’t really involve Elder Price but this is Elder Cunningham’s time to shine!! This is the perfect energy filled but still hilarious act 1 closer and every actor ive seen do it has absolutely killed it!! I cannot tell u how much adrenaline I had when the curtain went down after act 1 when I saw it live

-Tommorrow is a Latter-Day: Probably the most sincere song from the soundtrack outside of Salt Lake City (Sal Tlay Ka Sity) but god this one always makes me emotional,, Maybe it’s a little silly because it is a comedy but I’ve always found the messaging of this show (“Believe whatever you want, as long as it makes you a better person to others!”) is something special and this finishing number really ties everything together!! The lines about living in the moment and not always thinking about whats going to happen when you die always get to me in particular,,

2)!! OK THAT WAS LONG WINDED BUT-

How did we get together? My close friends know this story well but I have yet to tell it on my blog so here goes- It was about 5 years ago now (wow!!!) when I was staying with my cousins in a different state without my parents for the first time. On the first night there I started to really panic, so I did what any teenager does- err..got on my phone to distract myself. I had a vague interest in musicals at the time, I had seen a few but wasnt super into it. However, I’d heard of this musical called The Book of Mormon and heard it was hilarious, and of course, extremely inappropriate. Being the edgy teenager I was at the time I looked it up and stumbled across and original broadway cast bootleg (I didn’t even know what this was at the time- luckily BoM was and still is a very popular show that is not hard to find in the least)

I remember that night really fondly, it was scary but this horribly inappropriate, raunchy show took my mind off of it and made me laugh at a time when I legitimately thought I was gonna be sick. Looking back now as someone whos been officially diagnosed and stuff, it had been a full blown anxiety attack that I didn’t realize at the time. Anyway, I always loved Kevin Price. Yes, he’s got a bit of an ego problem, but I always found his growth at the end of the show to be..quite inspiring. He could have easily been painted as the bad guy and been written out of the show after act 1 (I have heard rumors that he was supposed to actually die and go to Hell, instead of simply having a dream about it, but haven’t been able to find a concrete source for this), but the fact that he stood up and said what he did was wrong and that he wants to stay and help the people who need it made me instantly love him.

He started out mostly platonic, almost like a sort of guardian angel type figure to me- fitting due to his low-key savior complex, and stayed that way for a couple years. However, over time I began to feel more and more feelings for him, and after so long I’ve officially embraced it (hence why I made this blog hehe).

3) Does his religion affect our relationship? This is a good question, and a pretty interesting one actually. By the end of the show it’s pretty clear that Kevin and the other missionaries have sort of created their own brand of beliefs- ones that stay with their traditional teachings but aren’t so...oppressive? Elder McKinley embraces his sexuality, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham elect to teach through what makes them happy and brings joy to others, rather than what is forced on them by their families; etc.

So for this I’d have to say that no, it doesn’t really affect us. I’ve no intention of converting, but he’s already quite the rebel so really, we’re just doing what makes us happy, which is exactly what he wants for everyone!! (He does like to teach me things about the church though and purely from an outsider looking in and learning because of genuine curiousity I enjoy it!!)

4) DATES!! Oh boy this one is fun because fun fact! I live in Florida! If you haven’t seen the show, Elder Price’s biggest ambition- and where he wanted to go on his mission, was Orlando! Now, I don’t live super close to Orlando and...due to....all of last year, I haven’t been in forever. But! The perfect getaway weekend for the two of us would be to book a hotel there and go around allllll the theme parks and stuff 24/7! I don’t quite get the appeal but the smile on his face would be worth it for me 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Thank you SO much for these it was SUPER SUPER fun to write about and now im all like flustered dhkddhlsjs

[battleshell]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @dansiere whom im care tagging: extremely informative meme for ppl who have lots of cross-over interactions, i encourage u to steal it from me anyway BUT @sternenteile​ @twelvians​ @stellamris​ @grandtales​

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ he is a very, very minor NPC that i’ve essentially wrested from the game with my grubby hands; Gerson is a merchant NPC found in Waterfall, the third area of the game focused with water themes. he has less than 100 lines of dialogue (but jam-packed full of info) and doesn’t even have an overworld sprite. although noted to have a history with multiple major characters, it’s not often i’ve seen him be the main focus of any fanfics or art pieces. ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ put that faaaaaaaar away from me please tyty ]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ i personally believe that Gerson is a strong and potentially powerful monster with fighting capability that could rival some of the stronger Monsters in the Underground due to his background as a fighter during the Human-Monster War, but since has waned in both reputation and fighting skill. we never fight him in game and as such, will never see how he compares numerically, but it’s clear from his dialogue that he knows how to fight professionally/cleverly and would have given a hard challenge. ]

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ i mentioned before that Gerson has ties with lots of major characters - I hardly see it being put into action or talked about! i also have a soft spot for elder/older characters in general since they seem to be overlooked in favor for younger characters that carry the action of plots - which I understand and totally get, but I still like to put these characters out there for the sake of it ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ he was a funny merchant dude that said “wahaha” a whole bunch of times and carried a magnifying glass; sure he and Frisk would have been good friends after the golden ending but most people have forgotten about their interaction with Gerson once out of Waterfall ]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ as one of the older if not oldest Monsters in the Underground, or from his reputation as the “Hammer of Justice” from wartime. he is also a historian and is noted to have written a few of the books in the Librarby. definitely known in the Underground, but probably only in that community ]

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ as mentioned before, a benefactor to the community and maybe even a sagely figure. a source of wisdom (even if cheeky) and a person of stability ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  — ehhhhhhhhhh both extremely canon compliant and then hands off the wheel, let jesus drive me away~ i only have so much canon material to work with so i have milked as much as offered to me, then went off to forge my own path in order to patch up the missing holes then add a few sprinkles. the base of the character is all there, but if you really want to get invested with him (or me) then we have a lot to walk through.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  old tortoise (NOT TURTLE) guy sells knick-knacks and cracks jokes, knows everyone’s dirty secrets but thinks they’re just funny to think about them than use them. an elder in the community who has stories to tell and lessons to teach, who has lived through half of recorded history and now spends his time just trying to make things around him interesting. a war veteran who protects his community and understands the horror of the world, but keeps eyes looking into the future even in the face of grimness itself. plays the accordion and harmonica, could probably square dance if he knew what that was. will call you kiddo.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  little to no motivation to find a passion for himself that would benefit or service just himself; his entire sense of worth comes from servicing others in some way (being a soldier and protecting people; recording history in order to teach future generations; maintaining a shop in order to literally service others) and lack of action due to decrepitude in old age. close-minded compared to other Monsters, as he doesn’t actually take to think of humans or outsiders kindly; judgmental to the point of being racist. proud and dislikes being one-upped that it could lead to pettiness, and despite his positive outlooks, very pessimistic worldview.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  funfact: Gerson is my first tumblr RP muse ever, and since i was worried about duplicate anxiety when i first started i specifically wrote him since he was a smaller character with less attention - i’ve since learned i have no anxiety about it so it’s no longer a problem, but what keeps me going today is the challenge of writing someone so different from me. the elder aesthetic along with homely, almost cottagecore kind of vibe is also appealing, and the humor that comes with gerson is a joy to write out.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  reading literature, music, artwork, pinterest, replaying the game, and doing little hobbies that would embody the character (collecting or sewing, for example) are things i can do by myself, but with other people i have the most drive when i can have friendly and nonpersonal arguments/debates about character motives or about source material like what made a character act like this or that, or about really anything as long as it makes me seriously think about characters critically and force me to recognize flaws.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? [ unfortunately i’m not a tortoise monster who lived for probably centuries if not decades older than myself, but i enjoy writing older characters and hope that other ppl see the potential gerson has like i do ]

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? [ you know when you have a concept and in your own mind you can see it clearly, without fuzziness or confusion, but you can’t seem to put it clearly into words without it turning into an essay because you need to connect all the other points that’s in the single concept you envisioned? yea. ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ bro i should.. ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ hmu if you got pinterest and i’ll give u tons and tons of boards ]

Are you confident in your portrayal?  YES / NO / SORT OF? [ this is unfair to answer as (AFAIK) i am the only person writing Gerson in... any capacity. despite that i like to think i bring out the humorous side of him, and show ppl that he and other NPCs are tons of potentials and shouldn’t be overlooked because they aren’t popular ]

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. [ i always believed my style and my skill in not only PSDs or aesthetics, but analysis or understanding was always a bit plain, without much flourish or complexity. while that is appealing on its own and has its own merits, i can’t help but feel i can always push myself to do a little more, add a little flavor, or paint an image that could only be done in writing. although i am doing enough to get the job done, i’m searching for a certain voice of writing that i like and want to integrate into creative writing in order to make it more personalized and more engaging. ]

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA. [ i despise pussyfooting and will often tell ppl straight up if i have a problem with them or something about them; straightforwardness, honesty, and integrity are some of my core values and that includes being harsh if it comes to it in order to keep order ]

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  assuming it’s rooted in goodwill or from a point of analysis, absolutely! it’s one of the direct sources for growth and getting better at any craft, but as Tumblr loves to be.... jumpy, i’m always cautious when its not from someone i know.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  YEA BUDDYYYYY

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  absolutely, i thrive off friendly discourse as i mentioned.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  if we don’t discuss it as above, in lit any other case i’d say “well there are other blogs to follow” but since i’m like 99% sure i’m the only gerson blog that isn’t applicable lmao; the point still stands that everyone has the freedom to write a character as they wish. there are valid reasons to dislike a portayal but not a lot of valid reasons to attack someone for it - with the exception of ppl being gross. stop that, nasty.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  strangely. it’s not my job to make people like a character, you either like them or not. if you dislike them for unreasonable points then, to leave in the previous response, “clowns will be clowns, no matter what you do. I just don’t get why you would follow someone if you hate their character to begin with.”

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  of course, as long as it’s polite and all that jazz!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  depends on the meaning - i like making new friends and i find it easy to talk to new people, be it about roleplay or other things like organizing video game play sessions. however, i also have on multiple occasions have approached ppl privately saying “this is annoying/this is problematic/this is inappropriate, stop” and been met with general disdain for voicing such so Who Knows..... (tm). at least on a private level. here, publicly, i’m pretty relaxed! memes and jokes are abound. as long as a person can be mature and responsible for their actions we can vibe, yo.

[narilgc]

𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐀 𝐁𝐀𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 . . . but i don’t regret the thing that i did !! hello all, i’ve been keeping this under wraps for the past few days but on a whim i’ve decided to bring on my second ( and last, i promise ) muse for the ride !! with that being said, it is jada here, max’s mun, but this time i’m presenting to you the wonderful im nari !! she was my initial idea before max, but i loved her too much to get rid of her !! i’m so excited for her to be here and i really hope she’s well received as well !! i’ve been slow on his acc for the past few days, and she’s the reason why, but now that i’ve gotten my life ( mostly ) together & things are running just fine again !! anyways, her profile’s here, and below you can find some general trivia on her as well as connection ideas !! oh, and like this to plot ! 

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 :

from damyang, south korea !!  a v small agricultural town & was born into humble beginnings - a seamstress for a mom, and her dad a farmer !! so she lived on a small farm when she was younger and was raised with pigs, cows, and goats as pets !

she helped around the farm her whole time she lived home, so she has a lot of life skills t & knows all about caring for animals and tending the farm !

they weren’t well off by any means - they had a small income to spread thin between all those people - but they made it work !! she never felt truly slighted as she knew their situation, in fact in her own way, she was spoiled in the best way she could be given their predicament.

raised in a household full of boys - she’s the youngest w a family of 6 loud, rowdy boys.

so in a way she’s more of a tomboy, used to roughhousing and all her sibling’s antics !! she’s also used to doing a lot of heavy lifting around the farm so has surprising strength for her size.

on the other hand, being the youngest & only daughter has upped the girliness !! she’s used to being babied so knows all about acting cute & her mom was always using her as an experiment for all her clothes !! was raised on handmade dresses her mom made in all sorts of intricate patterns & loved it !!

has been an actress in the making for a g e s !!! it all started when she was a really young kid, her mom would let her watch the tv in the tailor shop so she’d have something to do while her mom was at work !!

so there was this drama “a rolling hills romance” ( which i TOTALLY made up lmao !! ) that she absolutely loooved !! it was about a farm romance and was one of the only ones she saw that wasn’t taking place in the city !! it just got her in love with acting in general though, she’d eventually memorize scenes from all the dramas she’d watch and recite them out of the blue !!!

eventually it got her into theatre acting, which was her favorite !! she started watching broadway shows from abroad, memorizing the songs even though she didn’t always know what they were saying. but she just loooved the whole thing, and when she was in middle school she joined her school’s theatre department !

this is where the majority of her english skills came into play - she would memorize the lyrics, and though she didn’t really know what they were saying after a while she began to understand some words !! so while her pronunciation is pretty good from mimicking actors, she lacks the vocab to really use it !!

so she’s really hesitant to speak in english, because if people hear her speak they think she’s a lot more fluent than she is & it lands her in awkward situations !! so she mainly just ... doesn’t do that lol !!

i can’t believe i forgot this when i first wrote this !! this is a very vital part of her character omg !! her first “acting debut” if you could call it that was for a chocolate commercial when she was 8 !! basically she was in this christmas commercial for peppermint chocolates that got on tv and everyone in her town went crazy !! she like goes and delivers these chocolates while singing jingle bells and it’s wholesome and cute and swet !! it wasn’t that big at all lol but for their small town it was, and to them she’s a sort of small celebrity for it !! i’m sure some people might remember the commercial but notlike .... her yk ?? because that was her first and last role for a while lol !!

anyways !! she’s always been self-conscious of her looks - she felt like she wasn’t pretty enough, and limited her confidence. so at 16 she got 2 part-time jobs to begin saving up money, and at 17 she went to seoul to get a nose job & jaw reduction surgery.

and things seemed to be great after that !! she was confident, gaining more friends, but the real excitement came when her mom read online about an audition for legacy and jokingly asked if she wanted to do it. 

legacy had never even be on her radar !! she had always heard her friends talk about them for idols, but she had never thought of them as a company that accepted actresses. upon reading though, she was hooked !! she begged her parents, and they originally rejected the idea because they thought it was one of her phases. however, after much persuasion, they allowed her to attend auditions !!

she never expected to get in, she wanted to do it more as an experience than anything. but to say it was a shock was an understatement !! but she was so so incredibly happy.

had a hard time adjusting initially - she was only 17, and almost right after getting there she had to spend her birthday alone since she hadn’t made any friends yet. and although she’s naturally outgoing, it was really hard for her to be social at first because she was surrounded by so many more people than she was used to !!

for the past few years nari’s been doing general idol training, though that’s about to change !! she’s significantly improved her dance skills ( which were nearly nonexistent prior to training ) & gotten a lot better at her singing !! but her heart’s still deep into acting, and she knows that she wants to do that as well as some modeling !

she still suffers a lot with her self confidence, and there’s a lot of pressure for her to do well ! in school, because she’s the first of her family to go to university, and as a trainee, because she’s risked so much for it & doesn’t want to disappoint since her family has v high expectations for her !

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 :

a little lovebug !! she’s literally so loving and accepting of everyone - definitely, someone you can come to talk out any issues, she listens & provides support, free of any judgement !! also v keen on skinship i apologize in advance

she’s come out of her shell a lot since she got to seoul, but she’s still a little shy if she doesn’t know you well or is put in a situation w a lot of people !! pls be patient with her ^^

like max, she’s got a lot of energy in that little body !! but she actually has adhd so a lot of it isn’t really by choice. it frustrates her a lot because it limits her focus & has the tendency to make her restless. it was worse when she was younger, but has gotten better as she’s gotten older and she takes medicine to keep everything in check.

she’s also got v low self-confidence, she’s never been satisfied with herself and constantly wants to get better !! despite the surgeries, she’s still got a lot of insecurities both physically and not, but keeps them bottled up a lot bc she doesn’t want to burden others !! ( i want to shake her !! ) bc of that, she takes both criticism & compliments very seriously, she’ll turn all red if someone gives her the smallest compliment but will also overanalyze & judge herself if she gets critiqued. 

in fact her surgery’s almost made her more self-conscious, as she now feels that all the opportunities granted to her are because of her looks post-surgery. the worst insult she could get was she’s only succeeding because of her looks, because she’s worked so hard on her skills and she wants them to be what takes her forward, not something she had to pay to get.

despite that, she’s the true definition of a happy virus !! on the outside, she’s almost always smiling, and when all the other stuff doesn’t get in the way, she is on the inside too !! always trying to look on the optimistic side & give people a fresh perspective !

on that note she’s v childish, and sometimes she has to remind herself w younger trainees coming in she’s being seen as more of an example and needs to be ~serious~!!

the duality is real !! in performances, sad / angry scenes are actually her specialty, and right after she’ll just spring up and smile like what’s up guys !!! a lil creepy when she goes from sobbing to giggling so she’s learned to transition a little better lmao !!

she always wanted to be a youtuber, but never got the chance, and by the time she joined legacy she wasn’t allowed to have an account. so now she has these little vlogs she does to send her parents ! they’re mainly of her getting ready, hanging out with friends, and practicing ( all out of training hours, ofc ) so she can often be found seemingly talking to herself, even though she’s really recording videos !! 

though being an idol wasn’t her initial dream, she adores the music. her love for the kpop genre has made the last few years more bearable, and girl crush concepts are her absolute favorite !! she’s been religiously keeping up w future dreams like she’s still just a fan back at home, and you’ll catch her humming all around the company building !!

in fact, prior to joining legacy, she had a fan blog for all her faves where she would provide commentary called ri raves !! it was ... a sight !! 

she’s pansexual, and leaning towards girls !! it’s something she’s really shy about sharing bc of the fear of judgment, but if she tells you know you have all her trust !!

a little spoiled tbh !! she’s got the youngest child syndrome BAD, and since she was the only girl she’s used to things being done for her !! not in the bratty way, it’s just made her a little lazy and she loooooves attention and being doted on.

don’t let her appearance fool you though !! she’s got surprising strength ... strong woman do bong soon’s not her favorite show for no reason !!! all those years of defending herself from her brothers’ teasing had to come in handy, you know ?? we’ve got a black belt in hapkido here folks !!

definition of a theatre kid, starts bursting out into songs she loves out of nowhere omg it’s embarrassing ?? also overreacts about everything omg the world is on fire according to her !! she’s gotta faint dramatically !!!

she’s got the jeolla-do dialect, and prior to working on her standard dialect it was veeery prominent ! it makes her say a lot of words differently than someone from seoul might, and after realizing she was one of the only ones with it she’s been trying to make her speech sound more like standard korean nowadays.

she’s taken up sewing from her mom, and especially loves embroidery !! so she always loves upcycling & spicing her outfits up !!

definitely has a unique fashion sense because of it - in addition to that she’s very frugal, and favors thrifted clothing !! she’s got a mix of vintage, chic, and artsy style !

 a rule follower !! veeery unlike max, she tends to stick to the rules out of fear of what will happen if she doesn’t, because she has way too much on the line to quit now !

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 :

acting buddies ?? i know there aren’t too many, but even if that’s not your muse’s preferred career path, any muses who have a passion for theatre are welcomed as well !!

someone who unlike her, is v wild and lives on the crazier side !! she’s constantly going into a responsible panic when they’re around and they’re always trying to get her to loosen up !!

someone who co-stars in her little vlogs to her family !! hey, if you can’t be youtubers for real you might as well pretend, right ??

someone who made her adjustment to seoul easier as she transitioned from country to city life !! they’ve lived in seoul for a long time / their whole life and know all the best spots to show her !!

someone who’s clothing she likes to spice up, she’s always embroidering or adding pattern to their clothes to give their outfit a little flair !

someone who knows her past her happy side, who she’s got on speed dial whenever she’s feeling down and needs someone to talk to, and vice versa !!

someone who she came out too, be it on purpose or by accident, and it’s caused her to grow really attached to them bc it’s one of the most personal things about her !

a girl she’s got a crush on but is terrified to tell !!! like yes you’re pretty .... but these things are never easy !!! she’s gonna tell you .... eventually !!

and ofc - exes, flirtationships, summer loves, anything of the sort !

someone she lowkey fangirls over ?? she still hasn’t accepted the fact that she & the other trainees are kinda on the same level, someone she’s kind of became a fan of and can’t really function around them ??

by some crazy chance, this person has come across her old kpop fan blog at one time or another and won’t !!! let !!! her !!! live !!! it !!! down !!! will you accept her bribe and swear to never bring it up again ??? please ???

someone she doesn’t like ??? this is v rare but ... for one reason or another, she can’t stand them and transforms to a completely diff person around them !!

someone who made the mistake of teasing her a little too much or insulted her so much that she just straight-up tries to take them down !!! v unexpectedly !! bonus if it’s someone way out of her fighting capabilities !!

more ideas coming when i create an official plots page !!