#im my own worst critic though so

[deeism]

caved (naming my charmac fic after swimming pool by the front bottoms)

[syrupyyyart]

Not me planning on uploading at least 1 art a week, but then just arbitrarily deciding not to post any of the art I had ready LMAOOOOO

[cranberryjuice-posts]

Hi!!!!!

I need some more protective Clarisse kind of angst in my life. Maybe something when it’s not an established relationship, but it’s obvious Clarisse wants R. But since Clarisse isn’t doing anything about it R just goes on oblivious. Until one of Clarisses brothers starts hitting on R doing the bonfire. Clarisse comes up angrily and stills R away but then reader is mad. Anger confession core pls. Feel free to make it your own. I love your writing!

- my flower -

Pairings - Clarisse La Rue x Fem! Reader

An - im struggling so fucking much writing fics rn 😭😭 my recent works haven’t really been the best and I’m sorry abt that I’m just having major writers block rn

Beauty was an important thing at camp. Being beautiful brought all sorts of things, from an extra s’more at the bonfire to having charmed guys around camp to do your bidding.

Charming guys wasn’t just the limit however: which is how clarisse found herself in your cabin watching you model different cut up camp shirts.

“What do You think of this one?” You asked wearing a shirt you had cut into a halter top. Posing yourself in-front of a mirror you hadn’t realized the daughter of ares over looking your curves and chest in the top.

“I think it looks just as fine as all the other shirts you showed me” she rolled her eyes leaning back on your bunk. You shot her a dirty look while mumbling something under your breath.

Taking the shirt off you tossed it in clarisses general direction. “You are the worst person to ask for clothing advice I swear” 

“First of all I know a lot about clothing”

“You wear camo military pants”

After a moment clarisse threw your shirt back at you causing you to laugh. Rummaging around through a pile of cut up shirts you eventually grabbed one that was off the shoulders.

Throwing it on and looking at it critically you just shrugged your shoulders. “This is Fine i guess”

“Thank god” Clarisse complained (much to your dismay) standing up, placing a hand around your waist she gestured her hand to the door. “Now can we please go to dinner”

You shook your head following her out. Breaking free from clarisse once you arrived to the dining hall, she kept her eyes on you.

Everyone knew she liked you, everyone also knew she wouldn’t do shit to ask you out but would beat down anyone else who tried to.

——

“Clarisse” silena tilted her head while rolling her fingers on the table beside the curly haired girl. Receiving a harsh stare the daughter of Aphrodite just smiled.

Sitting down beside clarisse , she took a moment to observe how the ares kids behaved. Half the table was arguing while the other half was debating up coming camp events and how to win them, though Henry a newer member to the cabin was over at your table. Sitting beside you and well to put it bluntly, flirting with you.

Silena looked back at clarisse. Having to resist laughing as she gave a hateful glare to her brother. “Who the hell does he think he is” she muttered under her breath. “I mean honestly how does he think he even stands a chance with her” sitting up straighter clarisse scoffed.

“Maybe he’s just trying to find a relationship here at camp” silena softly teased.

“He should already know that she’s off limits though”

“Is she though? You’re not dating her”

Silena had a point. You weren’t dating but still she didn’t want anyone else to be with you. As much as clarisse wanted to love you she couldn’t, take a look at her. She was known as the camp bully, arrogant and with the amount of pressure she received from her father clarisse knew she couldn’t contain her anger well and would ultimately lash out on.. clarisse didn’t want to think about that.

“I don’t need your smart ass mouth silena” pushing her plate forwards clarisse quickly mad her way out of the table.

——

It made her sick how causally you flirted with Henry. Crossing her arms she didn’t even bother paying attention to the bonfire, rather clarisse was more focused on you.

Your laugh, your hair, you. All things she knew Henry didn’t or couldn’t appreciate like her.

Once she saw him leading you away towards the woods most likely to make out. That was her final straw.

Making her way over to where you were clarisse grabbed Henry by his shoulder and shoved him back. “For fucks sake clarisse— what’s wrong with you”

“I could ask you the same question who do you think you are flirting with my girl”

“Your Girl? Pfft as if clarisse you wish she was yours”

Quickly stepping between the siblings you tried to deescalate the situation. Placing a hand on clarisses chest with the other on Henry’s arm you were starting to tell that the woman before you wasn’t going to back down anytime soon.

The two continued their argument, throwing petty insults at eachother. You let out an aggravated sigh before grabbing clarisses Hand dragging her away.

—

Quickly finding the ares cabin, you threw the door open before forcing clarisse in. Taking a moment to collect yourself you let out a deep breath.

Finally facing clarisse you held your hand up before she could speak. “What.. the fuck is wrong with you”

“Henry was being a creep”

“Not every guy I go off with is a perv!”

“Yeah but if their from my cabin they sure as hell are!”

The argument continued to grow louder and louder. Clarisse was determined to prove she was right and you the same.

“Why do You Care if I want to make out with someone? Every time I show Interest in someone you are always on my ass”

“Because nobody actually deserves someone like you!” She moved some your way. She tried to make her stance show that she was innocent, that she was right, and it pissed you off even more

“What is that even supposed to mean” scoffing you shook your head looking away. “And why in what situation did you think it was ok to call me your girl?! We’re not dating clarisse”

“But we could be!” She shouted back. The room went quiet.

You furrowed your eyebrows confused, now realizing how close both you and clarisse were it flustered you. “Clarisse do you like me” you mumbled.

She just nodded, huffing you wrapped your arms around her. Hugging her tight you spoke into her neck. “You’re the stupidest person at the camp I swear”

Pulling back and placing a hand over her mouth to keep her from responding; you tilted your head up softly kissing your hand. “I’m going back to my cabin. And tomorrow morning I expect you to be at the door ready to ask me out got it”

She nodded her head once again. “Good” you pulled your hand back but not before patting her cheek. Leaving the ares cabin clarisse walked to her bunk in shock, with how fast everything had moved it didn’t click in her mind that she now had a girlfriend.

———

Clarisse - so do You want to go out with me

YN - no

Clarisse - oh.. I Just thoug—

Yn - yes Dummy I want to go out with you 😭😭

[akanemnon]

Last question before I once again leave you to rest and recuperate for the rest of the hiatus.

Do you know color theory by any chance?

(And if so, can you teach me some techniques…? /nf)

Your most recently posted piece is so amazing that I can’t even put it into words. It’s cool how you can switch between styles like that. However, I hope you’re taking of yourself in the process!

If there’s anything to learn from the anon attacks, it’s that even though some people unfortunately don’t see it, being an online influencer of any sort is more of a sacrifice than it looks, and it can the tiring to the creator when others don’t understand. Im not half as popular as you are and I too am starting to feel the effects of posting almost everyday for the sake of the fans.

You’re probably the first online artist I’ve been a BIG FAN of. Not just because of your AU, but because now I’m know I’m not the only easily anxious artist out there. You’ve really inspired me, and lots of other people too, but to keep up the good work, you have to make sure you’re also okay.

Take care!

- The Kogetai Kiddo.

I know some color theory in terms of creating designs. For painting, not so much. It's a pretty complicated subject to explain, so that might take quite a bit to get into...

And no worries, I am taking care of myself and take plenty of breaks in between when I'm getting too frustrated. As for the style thing; I like to try different things once in a while to prevent stagnation. I can switch between styles thanks to practice, but changing mediums does take some getting used to. Digital painting is not exactly something I'm that good at because I don't do it that often. It takes a lot of time and energy. But it's a good challenge.

Honestly, I don't want to be titled as an "influencer" or "content creator". I'm just some person who likes sharing their work and comics that people seem to like them a lot. I'm no authority figure and I don't like seeing myself as something greater than others just because of some numbers. Numbers don't mean anything. It's the person that matters. I just wanna make art, and if it happens to make people happy, I'm happy too. Still anxiety and internal pressure can make things hard. There IS that underlying feeling of having to perform and do well. Because those are your own standards. In the end, you are your own worst critic. Anxiety is the worst, and it's an endless struggle against it. But it's possible to live with it. At some point, taking a step back and realizing you need a break is the right call.

Hoping the best for you and all the other anxious artists out there!

And with that'll be off on my last few days of break. Asks are closed now. See you back on Sunday!

(Little teaser from the next page for good measure)

[nothing-tolose]

All Because I Liked A Girl.

Part 3

A/N: lol i found this a bit nonsense whsgajdhe *wheezing* AND AND AND IM SORRY IF THIS WASNT GOOD AS PART 2. anyway i love u guys sm xoxo

if you have criticism and suggestions to me, you can just knock my dm or send it to inbox <3

🇵🇸 daily click

part 1. part 2.

Those messages still showed up several times with some different accounts.

You decided to turn on the do not disturb mode so those hateful messages won't bother you for a while before you switched app to reply Ellie's message.

You

yeah

i guess..

You took a deep breath, fingers were typing over the keyboard with hesitation.

You

no

i'm not, actually

can you come over, els?

i need u here

please

delivered

You let out a slight sigh, and you put down your phone to the kitchen table. You buried your face in between your arms, eyes were red and tears stain on your cheeks.

You were actually don't want to give a fuck about Anne's post, but the way people insulting you and the way she reacted to them, you couldn't even understand. How on earth you don't give a fuck with that when some people were saying they'll be waiting your funeral? They might really do something if they have a guts and you were unaware.

And someone was just mentioned your initial there, Anne reacted with 'shh'. What kind of reaction was that?

You scared, terrified even. It feels like you're going to isolating yourself in your home until they forget about the post. Sadly you'll never do that, and you won't and you can't do that because you're not even graduate yet!

You left your phone there, and tried walking to living room even though your feet still feeling a bit limp, you were resting your body on the couch with blank stare to ceiling. Your mind started to thinking about those comments, from the first you saw it to the last you saw it on blog. It scares you, so much. Your tears coming down from your eyes for the second time, your chest were going up and down. You were sobbing so hard. Terrified, confused, all your feelings mixed in one.

Morning felt so long. Now it's 1PM, and you still on the same position with cushion that you hugged for the past few hours. You can hear nothing but your sobs and the sound of cars passing by on the street. Still not feeling any better.

The next second, you heard a knock from your door, followed by sound of door opened. You could tell it was Lauren who just opened the door, sound of hurried footsteps filled the room, "There you are!"

Lauren runs over you, crouches on the floor so that she's at eye-level with you. Her eyebrows furrowed, she obviously worried about you. She tapped your shoulder two times, "Would you sit?" She asked.

You just nod and get up slowly, leaning on the backrest while Lauren put down the cushion on your lap.

"Where's your phone?"

You turn your head and looking at the kitchen table where you left your phone morning earlier, "There," You said, almost not making a sound.

"Okay."

She walk towards the kitchen, her hand picked up your phone without a glance and put it in her coat pocket. You didn't paying attention to Lauren and staring to the front of your sight as you still got your panic attack, but you really really tried to make yourself calm down. Oh, but it didn't help you at all.

Lauren went back with a glass of water on her hand, she sits next to you, "Drink it, and try to breath slowly," You just do what she said.

She put it down the glass on the coffee table after you drank. You feel her thumbs wipes your tears slowly along with her little chuckle. You swore you have no idea if Lauren weren't here, you might be drowning in your tears or maybe crying blood when your tears already gone. Or the worst part, you might be dead alone here. She was like your own sister, who always stay on your side when you're down and when you're happy.

Lauren smiled at you before she hugged you so tightly, her hands running through your hair, "You don't deserve this."

"It'll pass. They'll forget about everything what happened today in no time, okay? You didn't stole Ellie," She keeps saying some words to make you feel better, and apparently it does. You fell asleep with your head on Lauren's lap.

Lauren took your phone out, and she stared at the lockscreen. There's still a bunch of messages request from people who still trying to get you down. Her eyebrows furrowed, anger almost taking over herself.

'All these fucking unnecessary messages, and Ellie doesn't texting her at all while the problem was involved with her? What kind of girlfriend is she?'

Lauren decided to changed the setting to disable the notifications from any social media except messages, at least you wouldn't see those fuckers from your lockscreen notification center.

She turned off your phone and took a glance at your face, she sighed.

'Does she really care about you right now? When everyone were talking shit about you because they thought you stole Ellie from Anne?'

Woke up on the same couch, the first thing you noticed was Lauren wasn't here. You were all alone, lights turned on, it's already dark out there.

"Shit, how long I've been asleep?" You get up, looked up to the clock and it's already 8PM. You grabbed your phone from the coffee tables in front of you, seeing if there's any messages you can reply.

messages from lauren

idk how long you've been asleep but i rlly have to go so sorry for leaving u aloneee;((

i bought some foods u can heat it up, AND dont skip your dinner bcs i assumed you haven't eaten today

dont be so curious to open ur social media, kay? i dont want u get your panic attack again

i love uuuuuu 💋💋💋💋❤️❤️❤️

You laughed for a second, then you scrolled the notification center searching if there's more messages. Your smile disappeared when you didn't see any messages from Ellie.

I mean, she always tried to reply your message asap after you sent the texts even when she's busy, she would tell you that she can't reply all your messages right now and will reply it soon as possible. The texts you sent to her this morning were still delivered. There's even no calls from her, does she even read your messages through the notifications? You needed her so much, and where is she now?

You don't want to overthink it. Maybe she's been too busy, but today is fucking Sunday, how the hell a student got really really busy on Sunday?

You bit your nails, suddenly thinking about your biggest fear.

What if she meet Anne in somewhere?

Your mind straight up thinking about her and Anne. All those what-ifs filling up your head, even you whispered to yourself to not assuming everything in negative way. But you couldn't help it. You really hate it when you can't help to stop assuming things.

You huffed, resting yourself on the backrest. You staring at the wall, imagining if Ellie were here right by your side like Lauren did and at the same time you still thinking if she were with Anne today.

You almost fell asleep again when you heard Ellie's voice calling your name along with knocking on the door. You stood up quickly and ran into the door.

Once you opened it, she grabbed both of your forearms. Her face looked so worried, worried than Lauren. She panted, sweating all over her face, and messy hair strands on the side of her face.

Your hands on her shoulders, "Where have you been?"

She didn't answer your question, all she said was, "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." And asking you if you were okay, then she hugged you tightly like you were about to leave her.

You ended up on your bed, laying down with your head resting on her arm. After she said sorry five times, you took her to the bedroom. You really wanted to ask her, where the hell was she this entire day? Why did she texted you and just disappeared, and then showed up looking so worried like she was almost dead?

But here you are, with her. None of you broke the silence. She caressed your cheeks so gently, kissing your forehead several times, and humming.

You looked up to her, staring at her green emerald eyes. Your mouth was opened, almost asking her the same question that you've asked before.

"Sorry, I had an emergency." Right before you could ask her, she spoke.

"What emergency?"

Ellie went silent, she bite her lower lip and glancing aside, avoiding eye contact with you.

"Ellie, what emergency?"

She sighed heavily, her eyes now looking at you, "Sorry, you got dragged into this mess because of me. I shouldn't be disappeared for an entire day after texting you," She closed her eyes and looked away, "I'm really sorry."

You sitting up there and shook your head in desperation, "You did answer my question earlier, but you didn't answer the last question, Ellie. What emergency?"

There's no reply from her. You scoffed, "Ellie, what emergency that made you didn't reply to my texts?"

Ellie turned her head, "You texted me?"

"What?"

Oh.. Wait, what?

taglist: @cherryimaa @kimaellie @backedbeansh @bunnyrose01 @bready101

[oshalittlestar]

saw a lot of TheAc. criticals post from angry/disappointed fans going around my dashboard these past few days -? tumblr algorythm when i catch you - whose recurring (and sometimes only) argument against it, is that Osha is OOC, (mostly starting from ep5) and would never have acted/done this kind of stuff to Sol, betraying the jedi, and mainly that [ep5 to 6] ruined the show.

and okay. okay. if you didnt like the turn and direction the show's taken, i understand, i have my beefs with other series/movies too, so here i'm only trying to share my own perspective on Osha's development, that some may have considered too 'sudden' and 'ooc',

and i completely get why others might see it differently and not be comfortable with it. their feelings are just as valid and legitimate.

but, her being out of character is something i just cannot quite 'accept', if only for the sake of 'rightful' criticism the show may have toward the end:

Osha [and by extension the Acolyte too, but this post is abt Osha] is a brand new character we just been introduced to for the very first time, no old reference, no comics, nothing. and that's something important to note, because in the 4 episodes we had before the 'infamous' ep5, the most we got on Osha's characterization was very 'scarce' in reality, and not really 'set in stone' by the narrative

( contrary to Anakin skywalker, for example: notice the stark difference between how they portrayed him in the 3 prequels movies, and the Clone wars cartoon - 2008. Here, we had 3 long ass movies to get used to Anakin's character, his story, his relationship with Obi Wan and Padme, and how his fall played out, and it was credible. What wasn't though, (beside the fact the cartoon did some blatant damage to how people now view Anidala and Anakin - cough cough sorry cough cough it was my first otp -) was that they heard some..fans didnt like the not 'virile' enough Anakin from AotC/Rots and thought, well, lets take the worst of him in the movie, all his flaws, his dark emotions, and lets mix it to give the fans some kind of jock/popular-aligned/macho-light w/ anger issues/possessive of his girl/action stoic/terminator hero, and nevermind the characterization already etablished by the 3 movies.!)

so, back to Osha in the first 4 eps:

first, from her interaction with her meknek 'bud', Fillik. She's friendly enough - not that much, she didnt went out with her crew/ nor she wanted to share her doings with him (yeah, you can put that on her preferring her privacy/but also: her Jedi's teachings! it did take roots in her very being, her mind and consequently her everyday's life after!), but she knows how to level the mood, and doesnt hesitate to go toward something ..dangerous, if it need to be repared, even if this something is trauma related, like fire...(mmmh. im not saying it's forshadowing, but it was without doubt the first indication that she wasnt at peace with her past - and vice versa, that she's have to confront it)

second, from Yord. it's the first figure from her 'second' past life we/she see. She's a little playful, teasing him, not even a little wary when she sees him again after all this time, and most importantly she seems to trust him from the get go, thats why it hurts her that way! - and it matters, that it was him first, i think. Sol wouldnt have had the same - ah! - detachment, ironically as Yord. Yord, with whom she likely used to train with as a Padawan, and who didnt see her for 6 whole years after she left the Order. so for him to not trust immediately her words, her, it highlights from the start that the connection she had with the Jedi Order is no more, -at the very best holding on a veeery light thread- since she left it behind all these years ago; and even if in the 3 following episodes, Jecki, Sol, Yord (to some extent venestra) believe her, there's always this gap in the back of her/our mind, between her and the Order, that she cant seem to fill...

thirdly, from Sol. do i need to say more?? okay, i will only say that: blind trust. there's nothing this man could do to make Osha dislike him, or acting ill toward him, he held the truth, 'controlled - take this word with a grain of salt, when i say 'controlled', it holds no malicious intent from Sol, - the narrative, for years ! (and here im not saying he was a villain, i am not demonizing him nor am i saying he was an abusive piece of shit at ALL just so we're clear. ik my words may seem cold and harsh) but, indeed, Osha had no special reason to be mad at him, there was this parental/father figure she saw in him, replacing what she had lost on Brendok... ( but the savior hold as much weight to their relation me think.)

and lastly, from the twins/her coven's interactions, and how she (and we, watchers!) interpreted a lot of things 'wrong' because..povs !! To name just a few :

Osha is literally torturing the poor insect: Mae copying her and since Osha is the one calling her out on it, her sister is seen in a bad light by the viewer, since we identify a lot more with Osha, the 'light' twin

Osha getting mad at Mae for taking a sneekpeak at her drawingbook (she needs the space from her sister, who wont give it to her, who's becoming too much, too close, she needs to breathe alone, and it gives the impression that Osha is trapped, in some kind of 'prison')

Osha seeing her sister lighting it on fire just after locking her up, aaaand the fire expanding, fast (we dont see Mae panicking!!!) i'll admit, the show did a good fucking job at trolling us, into thinking Mae was some sort of... 'unhinged' and 'deranged' sister, who set the entire coven on fire 'just' to keep Osha : thats why i also cant get behind these 'ooc' accusations, because, as flawed as the writing might have gotten at some parts - and other things, but i wont dwelve on that here, the Acolyte was, from start to finish, headed in one direction, fully centered on Osha/Mae subversion arcs, and Osha ascension to the dark side: its all the emotional unbalance i mentioned above, in her interactions with Sol, Yord, her family, and how the serie choose to present us with Osha's version of the story first.

and finally, the fact everyone is throwing 'OOC' around to describe Osha's actions is, very mid 'critic' at best, and inherently contradicting the core message of the Acolyte, which is that everyone can do 'evil' and destructive acts in the name of what they may consider the greater good, whether they're justified or not (Sol/Mae parallels go hard in that sense), and inversely the most 'evil' character can be all in all, very honest -Qimir, even back in Khofar didnt really lie did he? - and vulnerable in his presentation: the revealing of his intention toward Osha etc etc..)

aaand im done i dont know if what i wrote made sense (i dont want to cringe so im not rereading this but know that if there're any typos or weird turn of phrase then its normal :)

[censorious-asshat]

shut the fck up with your Taylor agenda if you have a problem with her that's okay but you don't gotta spread hate

If you have a problem keep it to yourself reblogging isn't going to make any difference

Everyone has a problem with her selective feminism but nobody has a problem with her underserved misogyny and sexism?

Okay I don't see you spreading stuff about any of the other silent celebrities

What about your selective hatred?

To start of, if reblogging doesnt make a difference, then how should it affect you. You shiuld have no problem with it. And everyjne is allowed to hate people.

I know taylor swift has faced a lot of unwanted and undeserved misogyny and sexism. But so have other women. She isnt alone. And she often seems to call any sort of criticisms as sexism. Also, she forgers about intersectionality and belives that she had it the worst, even though she is a rich white women who had conections even before she was 15.

And if you want to see my hate towards other silent celebrities here you go

- selena gomez is a bitch who thinks her own emotions is more serious than the millions of people who are dying in gaza everyday. The same selena who actively spoke up for ukraine. She, her ceo and her beauty brand support the idf and are donating ti isreal while feigning support to palestine.

- lana del ray is a fucking zionist who people are still supporting. Another sexist bitch who gets away with shut cause shes white and has above average music.

- all those fucking celebs who signed the letter in support of bidens desicion, and say that they are neutral, cause neutrality is in support of isreal.

Dear anon if you want me to continue i will.

And i have valid reason to not like taylor swift. Within the last 3 months, she had produced 138 tons of co2 emmisons. She can ruin peoples reputation with one post. She uses 'feminism' to target people who are just saying what they were told. She is infamous for copyright striking people for tiny things. She is a fucking billionaire, and if she cared for people, had empathy and morals, she would never have reached it.

So anon, im not spreading hate, im telling you the actual facts. Just cause im appalled by these people doesnt mean what im saying isnt true.

[turnin9pag3]

i say that i am going to kill myself and im not even sure if i am joking or not anymore. because my mustles are weak and i feel my bones creak every time i stand. and i look in the mirror and im not sure i like who is staring back at me. i hate my face. i hate my body. i hate my hair. i hate that my nose is too big and my lips are too small. i hate that my teeth r too yellow and crooked and my face is too red and pimpled. i hate that my eyes are too dark and my eyebrows are too light. i hate that i hate everything about how i look but i cant fix it because wearing makeup feels like playing dress up and i dont even know who i am anymore. i want to be human but i think im well past the point of humanity. i am untouchable to all but myself yet your mind is your own biggest critic. so i hate myself and tell everyone i dont because i dont know what to think.

so i say i am going to kill myself and i can no longer recognize the humor in a statement that feels so true. though i guess it has to be false because the sad truth is i simply do not have the guts. it has been like this for as long as i can remember and nothing has changed yet here i am so i don’t see myself leaving anytime soon even if i wish i could.

i remember being 10 years hidden behind the washer in my laundry room with a rag in my mouth attempting to muffle the sobs. i remember walking to my room after like nothing happened and no one ever questioned it. i remember writing a letter to my mother explaining how i was scared about how terrible i felt because it felt like it would never end. i was scared she would be mad at me if i told her. she would not have but the young mind thinks irrationally and i did not know what was happening to me. it is 5 years later and i still feel like that little girl hunched over and gagged by her own hand behind the washer, hiding from the family that made her feel like this. half a decade later and i still want to send that letter but its been too long and im too old to feel so helpless and im too smart to feel so sad and im too pretty to feel so ugly and i have too much potential to be wasted because i felt a little bad. that little girl has grown and wasted away and its too late.

so i tell people i am going to kill myself and no i dont really mean it. but dont i?

because i can see myself gaining weight and i am nothing special. because there are people smarter than me everywhere and i cant bare to pick up a book anymore. because i talk too much and i know im annoying but all i want to do is speak to you and you cant stand to text me back. im over eager and over chalant. i care too much but i will never care enough. i am an enigma to myself and i hate myself. yet i have never loved anyone more.

“you are an artist, and your mind dont work the way you want it to.”

if someone asked me who my best friend is i would say myself and my mind. if someone asked me who my worst enemy is my answer would not change. some may call that contradicting and maybe theyre right. or maybe they have never experienced my brain and they will never know the true beauty of hating yourself.

so if you ask me i will tell you that yes i want to kill myself without an ounce of humor. yet if you were to ask about the execution i would walk away laughing.

i want to kill myself but im weak and i wouldnt be able to stomach it. the bile rises in my throat as i hold the knife to it and it falls with my tears to the floor. at the end of the day i am still nothing but a little girl sobbing in a heap on the floor, jaw clamped around a rag, with a tear-soaked letter of self hatred crumpled next to her.

the only difference is now i am old and the letter is a suicide note i will never post because i will never need it.

i said i was going to kill myself and i meant it. but i did not mean physically for i am already long dead in every way but this one.

[nyxisart]

Hey, closeted transmasc here.

Can someone like me contribute to the Animal HRT community, albeit without experiencing HRT? I would rather focus on the outer perspective, though, specifically with closeted people, trans allies, and phobes. I also don't got a good grasp on how transphobia felt like personally, as I'm pretty much thought to be an ally (derogatory with those assumers) at best, and 'too obsessed with the el gee bee tee' at worst.

I want to talk about the process with struggling to grasp the concept that "no, your true self isn't what you grew up with", which is quite ironic for me (or not) since that's a big theme for many of my OCs. But still, I'm afraid that any comic I will soon make won't be valid in the trans experience.

And it's not that I got internalized transphobia or anything, but it's rather my inner critic constantly questioning my decisions, because half of them always fuck up, and all of them are constantly judged by the same people who are supposed to support me and make me comfortable in this burning world (fuck you dad why cant you see im happier with what i loved)

I'm still in the journey of finding out parts of myself that I neglected and parts lost to trauma or locked up by my own mind, and I have no idea when the time comes that I can get close to the identity I've been wanting for so long but afraid to admit.

And...well...who knows whether or not I'll get tired of constantly changing for my mind's needs...even if the outside world saw me as unchanging.

~Dave

Hey Dave! You don't have to ask me about what you can or cannot do, in the end it's always your choice! And if your worries are that your experience is not valid enough for it to be transcribed into a story, well let me tell you that you don't even have to be trans to write about trans subjects as long as you're being respectful and mindful of what you're saying.

And let me add that I personally am really curious to see your take on this, I'm sure it will be interesting! ^^

[dreamsy990]

so it all comes to this.

to say i was excited to play 3 would be wrong. actually i was sort of dreading the game. i went in with expectations for the worst and was pleasantly surprised. which is not to say that its good. but its certainly a game! that i played! and now you get my thoughts. unfortunately a lot of my thoughts about the end of the game are kind of hard to separate so. if youre wondering where my thoughts on endgame stuff is. its at the end.

(also i havent played remind so theres no remind thoughts here. its all just base game kh3)

combat (with some other gameplay notes)

so. im not a big fan of the combat. to preface, i played the rest of the series on standard, but with kh3 i was told it was easy so i did proud! and yet it was still the easiest kh game.

kh3 is the first game in the series where i feel as though 'mash x to win' is a valid criticism <- thats not entirely true at the start, but later in the game it does feel a lot like that. almost every fight is mindless because of how easy it is. you can see it in the enemy health bars, theyre absurdly large because of how easy it is to take them down. they need to have that high of health so the fight isnt over in under a minute.

i dont think the base combat is bad. unsatisfying, maybe. But not bad. except for attraction commands.

attraction commands feel like part of a pattern in kh3, where they try to recreate what made the other games so good without understanding WHY it was good. what theyre recreating ofc being reaction commands. technically its the same as some reaction commands, sure, being a giant dramatic attack, but it doesnt work because theres no situational awareness in them.

attraction commands dont feel cool because theres nothing in them that requires use of your surroundings or that is tailored to the enemies youre fighting, since theres only a couple that can be used at any time. there's nothing strategic about using them either- reaction commands normally would give you a specific advantage, or could be used to avoid attacks, only sometimes dealing damage on their own. in kh3, all attractions do is deal damage. they are impersonal and often obtrusive- if youre like me and hate attractions, youll still often accidentally use one, since theres no way to disable them.

this is more abstract than anything, but something about attacking feels unsatisfying. the combat feels like it lacks any real sense of impact or weight to me. but thats all personal and not exactly good criticism so. i digress

also the bosses in 3 suck. you know its bad when the most memorable boss fight in your game is the tutorial. most of the boss fights in this game are so unmemorable that ive literally forgotten them. except of course demon tide. i despise demon tide. it was fine in 0.2 but not here. every time you fight it feels like a missed opportunity for something cooler.

i think flowmotion is worse now. i get that it was a bit too overpowered, but with how much it was limited i ended up hardly using it. i didnt like flowmotion because of the attacks, i liked it because of the movement. so to me, it ended up being a reminder of how kh3 failed instead of a fun feature.

also i know a lot of people like being able to switch keyblades in fights, but honestly i feel like it removes an element of strategy the other games had

the ui (and other visual things)

this isnt something i talked about in my other reviews. but in kh3 i must bring it up. if you follow me you may know my hatred for kh3s ui. so im going to talk about it again! this is the abridged version though. heres my whole rant if you want my full thoughts on it. but the short version is that i dont like it. i am someone with terrible vision and i can play every single kh game without glasses because the ui is just big enough that i can read it. most of the time i can read subtitles too. but in 3? i struggle even WITH glasses to read anything. the ui is too small to make out anything almost all the time. its really only by muscle memory that im able to play. my glasses broke while i was playing, and i literally couldnt play until i got new ones because i couldnt make out a single word on screen. its bad design.

im also upset that there ui art has been replaced with renders. its just a shame honestly. i loved the art in the older games. the renders feel bland in comparison.

and thats generally my take on the look of modern kh. sure its pretty, but its bland. kh has always had a certain cartoonish vibe to it thats starting to die out, and i think the shift to unreal engine was the first marker of that change. i like the look of old kh. its not too technically impressive but its incredibly charming. kh3 is anything but. the characters feel far less expressive, the worlds are realistically rendered, it feels unfitting for a series like kh. its hard for me to find kh3 as charming as the other games. the only word i can think of to really describe it is corporate.

i dont know if this is a rare take, but i think technically impressive visuals are far worse than distinct ones. kh used to have a unique look! now it just looks like every other semi-realistically rendered rpg.

story (featuring: more gameplay notes)

my problem with kh3's story was unavoidable really. dream drop distance set this game up for failure and so im not going to complain about dream drop distance. ANOTHER TIME ill talk about dream drop distance. i dont have time to make a post that long. i do have a lot of problems with the story that werent a result of ddd being terrible so i guess ill just bring up those.

one of my biggest issues with the game is how unimportant the roxas plot is. youre led to believe the game will revolve around it but then sora does nothing to further it. at all. at the start he CONSIDERS doing something, and then hes told by ienzo "no its fine ive got it. go do something else" and its barely ever mentioned again until the end.

this relates to my overarching problem with the plot: it feels aimless. in every kh game theres a REASON theyre going on a journey. soras looking for his friends, roxas is working a 9 to 5, the wayfinders are all following each other, etc. but in kh3 sora is looking for "the power of waking". what is the power of waking? i literally have no clue. thats how poorly defined it is. its an abstract goal, its not tangible or even really achievable. its just a macguffin. when the plot suddenly decides to happen at the end the whole journey feels pointless. you could skip every disney world past twilight town and you would probably be fine. it's not a journey, you're not exploring for a purpose, you're just killing time until other people handle the plot.

i also really hate the new organization (i refuse to call them the real organization. theyll never be the org). theyre painfully boring and poorly put together. the old org had structure, they had very specific goals, every member had a purpose. you knew how they worked and why they did what they did. the new org is just completely lacking in that. calling it an 'organization' is stupid because there's nothing organized about it. and even disregarding all that, the new organization also lacks any real personality. the members feel so boring, which sucks, because almost all of them are returning characters who used to be really fun. and why are most of them even there? no one except maybe xigbar seems to actually care about their mission. the old organization had a common goal and a reason everyone was there. they were nobodies, they wanted their hearts back. there's no reason for any of the new members to stick with xehanort. and if you say "well they were norted!" i then must ask. what exactly is norting? like really. it hasnt been possession since birth by sleep. norting is whatever nomura needs it to be in the moment. its not clearly defined, its just another macguffin.

also because i dont know where to put it, the battle of 10,000 heartless is just a terrible successor to the original fight. there's no stakes, no buildup, no friends fighting by your side, no reason to care. they just throw thousands of heartless with no ai at you. literally no ai, if you stand still they wont attack you. its a drag if anything, an homage to a better game done absolutely no justice.

back to what i was saying about the roxas plot, roxas' return is just such a nothing scene. theres nothing about it thats cathartic, his lines are impersonal and bland, theres nothing 'roxas' about it. roxas' defining feature has always been how emotional he is, and there's none of that here. its nothing. and then he does nothing afterwords. he has seven whole lines in this entire game, six of them are in this scene, and the last one is an inconsequential jab at sora at the very end. and then he fades into the background.

the writing in this game in general is actually weirdly worse than normal. it feels a lot less, idk, human? the older games were weird and absurdly cheesy but this is just. strange. look at the scenes with riku and mickey in the realm of darkness and youll see what i mean.

WHILE IM ON THAT SUBJECT. RIKUS KEYBLADE BREAKING IS BULLSHIT. remind me to rant about that another time though im not gonna go on a tangent about that here

also i would give my thoughts on the ending but i literally couldnt care less about xehanort. so i dont really have any! the final boss was alright though

i have more specific thoughts, but generally, the game feels aimless and underwhelming.

positives

i love axel and kairi! theyre a fun duo and ill never shut up about their parallels so seeing them together is nice. i wish they did anything but thats BESIDES the point im being POSITIVE here

also. the music is great. i love the music sm. its nowhere near my favorite kh soundtrack, it feels a lot more grand which isnt my thing but its still some of yoko shimomuras best work. also hearts as one. its the PERFECT conclusion to roxas' theme and arc. the progression of it from melancholic (roxas) to desperate (the other promise) to triumphant (hearts as one) is just so good. i wish the rest of this scene was as good as the music so i could compliment it more wholeheartedly yknow?

its actually funny also! kh isnt the funniest series, most of the time when it IS funny its completely on accident. but kh3 is like days in the way that it just. actually has funny writing. the jokes intended DO land and its just a breath of fresh air.

oh also riku being well adjusted is the funniest possible conclusion to his character arc. 10/10 im so happy hes normal. never give that boy an emo arc again nomura

conclusion

over all, kh3 is exactly like how my teachers described me in elementary school: it has a lot of potential, but doesnt apply itself. this couldve been a decent game but it simply doesnt do most things very well. i give it a 5.2 / 10. its not an actively bad game but its a game i have trouble enjoying. sidenote im retconning my opinion on bbs to say its 4.7 / 10 because a: my opinions have changed and b: i think 3 is better but i dont want to give it a very high score.

[quotidian-oblivion]

for the Melrin ask - Worst thing you think Merlin ever did. im so curious about this one

I had to think so much about this one too.

I don't know. I love Merlin, he's my favorite character. I justify everything he does, even if it's bad. That's what happens with any favorite fictional characters.

I don't want to say "Not telling Arthur sooner" or "Mistrusting Mordred" or "Poisoning Morgana" or anything of the like because, to be fair, that's a given. It's something a lot of us will lament about. Mainly because the writers did not do their job properly (imo).

I'd say, the worst thing he did, to me, is be passive.

I'm bringing up my own values and morals here because I believe that Merlin ruined himself and all of Albion by being passive. By listening to the dragon and not doing his own research. By being whatever Arthur needed him to be. By taking things upon himself. By not trusting others because that's what he was told.

If Merlin had been a little more assertive and a little more sure of himself and what he wanted, then the show would have gone on in an entirely different direction. But he's passive. For the majority of the show. The biggest time where he's not is in the first scene where he challenges Arthur because he wanted to stay true to his ideals and values which was to stand up against bullies who prey on the ones who can't defend themselves against them.

If he had been more assertive, he would have told Arthur earlier, he wouldn't have poisoned Morgana, he would have trusted Mordred or even Gwaine and the others more.

But he let himself be led by Destiny and Kilgharrah and Gaius and whoever else advised him rather than take some time to think things through first. Like Arthur does.

The thing about Merlin and Arthur here is that Arthur really is bolder than Merlin, but in a different way. He is bold in a way Merlin lacks, which is with practical and tactical matters. He questions Merlin's judgement, questions his father's judgement, Gaius's judgement. Agravaine was a main villain for season 4 because of his perfect ways of manipulation and deceit in a way that it got past Arthur's critical thinking and assertiveness. Arthur doesn't take things at face value and is willing to consider different ways things can go and the show mostly shows that when it comes to questioning Merlin's judgement (like about Agravaine and the siege tunnels and about Gwen at first etc). But in the first few seasons, he questioned his father's judgement a lot too but the fandom mainly focuses on Merlin's opinions vs Arthur's even though he and Uther had met head-on-head multiple times.

Arthur doesn't take things at face value which is why it's possible for so many magic reveal fics to look and be accurate.

But Merlin does. Merlin takes a lot of things at face value. He took Kilgharrah's sayings at face value, he took Gaius's (good-hearted but misguided) warnings at face value. He took what the druids said, what Edwin Muirden said, what Julius Borden said, what that druid seer in the Diamere episode said, and so many others at face value. Just accepted it without thinking much about it and went forward.

Don't get me wrong, Merlin has a very strong moral compass and moral thinking. But he lacks critical thinking. Something which Arthur doesn't lack. They complete each other in this way.

But if we're not looking at all that then I'd say the worst thing I believe Merlin ever did was poison Morgana because- WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MERLIN, DID YOU NOT THINK OF ANY OTHER FUCKING SOLUTION???? HOW ABOUT GETTING MORGANA OUT OF THE CASTLE? HUH? WHAT THEN? WHAT ABOUT TELLING HER THAT HEY, I'M GONNA POISON YOU BUT DW I HAVE THE ANTIDOTE SO THAT I CAN REVIVE YOU AGAIN WHEN MORGAUSE COMES AND LIFTS THE SPELL BC I KNOW THAT YOU DONT WANT THIS EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK UTHER SUCKS. I MEAN, THE USED THAT PLAN SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES ALREADY, WHY COULDN'T THEY USE IT THIS ONCE???????

[s-grunge]

ok dang now im curious as for your reasons for disliking both sierra and sugar? im asking out of curiousity, not trying to start anything ^^

All good and to preface this, I don't fully dislike either, there's actually a lot to like about both, I just happen to be pretty uncomfortable with an aspect of their characterisation, or rather, their conceptualisation.

(Edit 31/7/24) Did some rephrasing, much more content with how the post reads now.

For Sierra.

It started as a kid watching WT for the first time. Traits of hers really made me feel like I was watching a twisted, distorted reflection of myself, both with neutral and negative similarities. For context, I was sensitive to and tended to internalise criticism towards my character and appearance.

She was obsessed with td, I was often called "obsessed" with my special interests.

Her favourite contestant was Cody as was mine, so I felt like I couldn't like Cody lest I be compared to her.

She tended to be depicted as out of touch with reality, I was often alluded to be "off with the fairies",

Other small similarities, like how I even often wore my hair in the same style that she did!

Of course, I didn't think she was a caricature of *me* specifically, but of people like me. Seeing this character, who was a very exaggerated embodiment of many of my insecurities at the time made enjoying the season very tough for me when I was younger.

Nowadays, that isn't so much an obstacle for me, and her objectionable traits can lend themselves to good narrative potential (which the show never fully capitalises on).

A lot of my grievances with her nowadays is more meta-contextual than anything else, but they are still grievances;

That she's a caricature of the fandom, but in a way that seems mean spirited as though it's punching down.

^She embodies too broad a range of things; She's a lovably cringey (in a good way) reflection of internet fandom in the late 2000s, but she also did some pretty heinous things reflecting the small but notorious percentage of people in fandoms who are genuinely creeps.

^^Because of that, it feels like her worst actions drag down the former demographic she's reflecting, who were (and are) constantly getting punched down on with these very loaded associations with the latter.

Her worst actions feel too heavy for the show to handle with tact, and the show makes no attempt to do so anyway.

More subjectively;

I feel like her actions impeded on Cody's arc, and pretty much any opportunity to show his capabilities independent of her (and how that contributed to the fandom's harsher perception of him post WT). "Sierra carried Cody through WT" she sure did, and it's a shame because I'm firmly of the belief that Cody could have done quite well on his own with a more fulfilling arc to boot.

To be honest, the humour she provides can be very hit or miss.

Sierra has a lot to like about her, but there's also a lot about her that makes me frustrated and uncomfortable.

------------------

For Sugar.

Literally just that she's an unflattering caricature of a real person (who was a child) and that makes me uncomfortable. That's it. Nothing the character did herself majorly contributes to any negative feelings about her. Divorced from real-world context, the character is perfectly fine.

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

Do you have any Mirror GSA headcanons? 👀

i was going to draw some more stuff with the actual mir gsa but im going through some weird artblock rn so heres some text instead 😍

unlike my gameverse mirror counterparts where they have their own world and own histories, animeverse mirror counterparts are manifestations of the regular counterparts most aggressive worst traits or critical flaws. (ironically thats more in-line with the real game lore than my game lore but anyways) rather than being its own dimension, ultimately the purpose of the dimensional mirror in this universe is to create adversaries to help the regular versions of those characters realize their own flaws and thus become a better version of themselves. they arent meant to be defeated through regular combat, theyre a good bit stronger than the regular counterparts for one reason or another and just respawn through the mirror indefinitely if you can manage to shatter them anyways. theyre supposed to be like a puzzle. once the regular counterparts have some sort of epiphany about their flaws and themselves, the mirror counterparts have served their purpose and so shatter permanently

thats not to say the mirror counterparts arent their own people though... they dont have their own histories or world they came from (which causes some conflict with arthur later down the line) but the mir gsa are still very close with each other relationship-wise and have their own feelings on things going on. once they start shattering one by one, it becomes a sort of existential and moral crisis for people on both sides. is it worth it becoming a better person if that means one of you automatically dies? something something is it possible to escape one's own fate and purpose; the whole gang attempts to answer that question by attempting to get the remaining mirror counterparts somewhere where they can just live their life. but how i have it written right now is that all of them just shatter in the end and the regular counterparts come out of it with a great, but grim, appreciation for them, despite how much the mirrors initially antagonized them. and then they seal away the dimensional mirror so no one else, mirror or regular, needs to suffer the same fate

my friend keeps telling me thats really sad though, that the mirror counterparts just Dont get a happy ending and inherently cant. which... YEAH.... it works out as advancement of the regular counterparts characters just fine but its pretty unsatisfying to be like yeah they all die, its sad and the reg counterparts are traumatized but better people I Guess and then the mirror is sealed away like a game of fucking jumanji to be eventually dug up and have new people go through the same experience again. ill most likely rewrite some aspects of it because of that but thats how it is for now *jazz hands*

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

hey, is anyone still here? looks like the last time i was on here was two years ago and change. things are really different now, but i guess then again it would be weird if they were the same

i was thinking of returning to this dead site because for a good fifteen years it was a big part of my life and provided me with a unique way to express my thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions and musings to an audience of people who can hear me but not truly know me outside of my words that i share on this platform. and on the same coin i enjoy following the lives of people i know nothing about and watching their stories and selves develop and evolve from a complete distance in every sense

i'm five months sober now

i have a hard time pinpointing when exactly i became an alcoholic, but i guess i could say i dealt with it in some degree for about eight years, and progressively, as it always goes

i graduated with my masters last may (2023) in critical media studies where i spent my time writing and researching feminist cultural social and media theory. i produced a great deal of work i was and am very proud of including a thesis that is honestly my life and heart's work but unfortunately over the course of those two years my drinking escalated rapidly and by the end i was manically and drunkenly banging out papers and essays in the dead of night sleepless and naively inspired

somehow i got a 4.0 though despite that. everyone in my life always says i played off my drinking well anyway. beats me how or why

once i graduated i practically immediately began drinking all day every day while somewhat-hardly-kind-of-not-really looking for work which was fruitless and i quickly learned my degree i worked so hard for meant practically nothing to employers who were merely looking for experience i dont have outside of my teaching background in grad school

for almost exactly a year i was drunk 100% of the time i was awake

same old story, at some point i switched to bottom shelf pints of vodka, which constituted my breakfast lunch and dinner. sat on my couch in my filthy apartment occupying my filthy poisoned failing body either watching tv or causing problems somehow

this was when i was twenty-nine. for a while now i had known in my heart of hearts i wasnt someone who would ever be able to handle my liquor or drink like a normal person, whatever that means, and that too much was never enough, and that it was literally impossible to function so long as booze was a part of my life. any attempts to "cut back" or "take breaks", i knew, would end the same way, which was waking up to shots of room temperature vodka and being a prisoner to the worst shame a person can feel

i figured once i turned thirty, which was this march, that would probably be about the time i got sick of my own shit and said goodbye to the bottle. which i undeniably felt a kind of affection toward as if it were a lover. still do in a sense and thats why ill never flirt with it again

my sobriety date is april 16th 2024. my last drink was a shot of vodka at 8:30 am on the 15th after creating massive gashes in my upper arm the previous evening during a blackout fight with my boyfriend

im still unemployed and extremely mentally ill and my bipolar has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and will likely continue to according to what the science says and all of that. after my last manic episode last month i adjusted my meds (again) and for now they seem to be working but i don't hold my breath really

i do AA and i like it a lot, i do it my own way, i have a sponsor who approaches the program liberally and progressively and shares many of my comorbidities and has allowed me the freedom to define my relationship to the program and god in a way that works for me and i have made incredible strides through this. i have become a far far far better person.

being sober is easy and i never want to drink. not once not ever

ive never worked so hard on myself in my life because i got as close to death as i ever had and ive been very close at many points in my life for many years. when i was drinking i knew i wouldnt make it to see 35 if i continued as i was

therapy, AA, meds, a whole fucking lot of discipline

ive been with my boyfriend for two years and wed like to get married. thats nothing that will happen anytime soon but it is nice to think about. he has been by my side through unimaginable things that any sane person would not have stuck around for. he is my heart and my soul

im also trying to start applying for jobs again but im genuinely on the fence if i am capable of holding a full time job due to my severe mental illness. im exploring a bunch of options right now as far as that whole thing goes. the future is very uncertain as always

let me know if you see this or remember me or anything.

bye for now

[ginalinettiofficial]

hey what’s up hello okay so i finally just finished s2 e52 of dndads (had a very crazy work week so was listening in bits and pieces) and here’s the thing is that im also currently relistening to the whole season and earlier in this week, the most recent episode i finished, was halt and catch fireball, and before that ya know was mrs. swallows oak garcia’s home for peculiar teens or whatever that one is called where they are just. at normal’s house and we got to actually get to know rebecca a little bit and i have got to say that i don’t know if i could’ve picked a more painful and wild older ep to listen to as a precursor to dood riddance i really don’t!!! literally half of the shit in dood riddance just circles back to that arc in the swallows oak garcia home and it’s CRAZY

like first of all. the red vines, which they called twizzlers the entirety of e52 which was MADDENING as a person who legit just finished e30/31 where the red vines were introduced

but then like. e31 is where taylor gets the anime sword from nick!!! that he loses in e52!!!

there were a few other things that i’ve forgotten in the half an hour since i finished the ep because my brain is a sieve on a good day and i’m just getting home from two back to back 13 hour shifts (with an extra 1hr10/20 each day for the commute) so the brain machine is so fucking broke rn

but mainly. i wasn’t loving e52 esp after dood left i just was not vibing with it, i feel like the vibes were off in the room in a way that translated into the ep for a bit there, but then anthony in those last like three minutes brought it back around and with the roll of rebecca??? after i legit JUST finished listening to the eps that feature her the most prominently and like truly showcase not only normal’s relationship w his mom but also, as is said several times in e30/31 and their teen talks, just how similar normal IS to his mom and how he really clearly is a total momma’s boy and very much so seemed to be a kid who sought solace with his mom more than anyone else in his family and just. having legit JUST reestablished that in my own, made the end of e52 DEVASTATING for me in a way that idk if it was for other ppl??? idk haven’t checked the fandom yet im very disconnected this season but just.

like

i think that okay so we have ten parents it could’ve been, right? and five of those are the kiddads, and none of us want to see them die, so in that moment when anthony was telling us what was gonna happen, obviously my instinct was like “oh god don’t do this don’t do terry jr again but truly permanent” and then my next instinct was that it would be potentially even MORE awful if it was scary’s dad because finally there he is and that’s ALL she wants and for willy to take that moment from her would be INSANE and then (mind you this was my thought process over the course of literally 10 seconds, my brain is ping ponging in my head and has been since the second i got in the car to head home i need to sleep) and THEN my next thought was, oh god, but how fucked up would it be if it were marco??? oh god, how fucked up would it be if it were cassandra?!?!?!?! and then it was time for the roll and truly in those brief seconds basically my brain flicked through every potential victim and said “oh god THAT one would be the WORST”, EXCEPT for veronica and rebecca, and it made the hit of it being rebecca who was low down on my instinctual list to think of but then the second he said her name i was immediately ricocheted back to earlier in the week when i was listening to halt and catch fireball and mrs. swallows oak garcias home and how many emotions i had about normal and his mom just relistening to those episodes and then the fact that i DIDNT think to worry about her just

all of that combined to make that a CRITICAL HIT FOR ME OKAY like i am SO fucked up over this truly that was WILD and i applaud anthony burch for it and now am excited for the finale even though ive spent the last three eps just dreading it for several reasons but now im excited and devastated and i love that

anyways. that was word vomit i just NEEDED to get this out because the connections between those two episodes really will not stop hitting me in the head and i need to impart that onto SOMEONE. if u read this. ur a real one. rip rebecca swallows oak garcia you were a legend and i am so sad about u

[maidstew]

hello! prepare for sadness because i'm here to drop some thoughts about time travelling persephone price!

angst version

after a disaster wedding (in which livia clocks coriolanus with a bottle of wine), persephone is desperately wishing she and festus had just signed the papers in a courthouse. it would have saved so much trouble. but hey! it was over! they were married! everything is happy and great, right?

WRONG.

persephone falls asleep with her new now-husband and wakes up with a start. festus is still nearby, she's not in a bed. she's not even the age she was yesterday. instead, she's eighteen again, in her academy uniform, being startled awake having fallen asleep at the mentor desk. mizzen is alive. mizzen is in the arena.

she's carried that guilt of not being able to do more to save him- he was thirteen and persephone should have been a better mentor. coral wouldn't have killed him. maybe, if he had made it to the end, he would have gotten to go home. but those thoughts weren't enough and time moved on. until it moved backward.

it's too late to prevent anything. arachne is still dead. pollo and didi are still dead. gaius is still in critical condition, and persephone knows that snakes will be dropped in the arena soon. how soon? she doesn't know. what day is it? she's still trying not to freak out that her husband isn't even her boyfriend, or anything at all. he's just her mentor partner.

the hunger games are in progress, and there's the time-sensitive question of what to do? what can she do?

persephone has the terrible feeling that the answer to that is "nothing at all" (she's not ready to accept that, though. she has to try. it makes it more painful when her efforts aren't enough.)

(i'd love to read your thoughts on this!)

OH MY GOD THANK YOU IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS

god, poor persephone. having a nightmare wedding (thanks cardew and snow) and then waking up back in what i would consider to be one of the worst times of her life.

and god, the devastation that’s she’s there but she can’t actually do anything because it’s still too late.

but she would try. she’s carried the guilt of losing mizzen for years. she sees him in every brown-eyed little boy, she thinks about him anytime she drives past the aquarium, and god- she can’t even eat fish anymore.

so she knows that she has to do something. she at least has to try.

and she decides that she can trust her future husband enough to explain the situation. sure, she risks seeming like a crazy person, but she can’t do this alone.

and festus, sweet festus, goes along with it. he’s a little annoyed that persephone is distracting him from coral and the plinth prize- but there’s a fire in her that he has never seen from persephone price.

they play with the idea of bringing felix ravinstill into this mess but quickly throw it out. who knows if felix would even believe them- he’s never been persephone’s biggest fan. and besides, everyone knows there’s a strange relationship because the president and dr. gaul, he would never override her for persephone price.

so they’re on their own to do the only thing they can think of- get rid of those damned snakes. it’s too late to make sure the drones can’t be tampered with- there’s already too many in there. persephone just prays that as long as mizzen doesn’t have to run from the snakes then he won’t be high enough to be hurt by urban’s little genius girl.

and somehow they pull it off! festus in all his ingenuity comes up with a plan so simple that persephone can’t believe she never throught of it- break the glass and let the snakes out before they go into the arena.

so with one of his fathers old pistols, festus aims for the snake tank. and it works.

but they didn’t consider the consequences of that. they didn’t think about the avox workers that would be killed for this. they didn’t think about the lab workers that might be harmed by the snakes.

they didn’t think about how easy it was to trace the bullet back to festus.

nor did they consider that one of their classmates was a cheat.

or that watching mizzen die again for seemingly no reason was almost worse than watching him fall from the beam.