#im lying to you and myself when i say that
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I forgot to update but my boy is done and he is beautiful
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#so sadly i suck at taking photos#and this fucking monstrosity is too big for me to take a picture of it anywhere#its hard to get the entire blanket in picture so yall just get to see like the main bit#it should be queen sized i havent measured it but the plan was for it to be like 80x80 ish#im now obsessed with tapestry crochet and want to do much smaller projects#im never making that big of blanket again#im lying to you and myself when i say that#im a bit proud of this one actually it only took me like 3-4ish months to get this done#adventure time#crochet#if i had a penny for every time i stress finish a gift on Christmas eve i would have 3 cents its not alot but its strange to happen 3 times#i have my heart set on making s tapestry of a junji ito picture for the back of a cardigan but i need a break from bigger things
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"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"
stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office
#good thing those folks have yet to find their way into my inbox or id be at risk of embarrassing myself lol#if you wanna see more of the content you prefer...make it yourself :3 MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING SELF lol#youre so attached to the idea youll complain about it but you refuse to do anything about it even create works that you and others will sur#ly enjoy how does this even make sense#sorry for reviving this from the dead when it blessfully hasnt been a thing in the tag for a hot moment but im still irritated hahahah#seriously you know what that screams to me? virtue signalling. you wont do anything except say a few words every now and again like#the motivation starts and ends at appealing to the popular opinion. earn your brownie points. and do nothing.#what is your care made of? thoughts and prayers?#every time ive asked one of these people why they dont make the content themselves the response has been 'i shouldnt have to lol'#you shouldnt have to bully people either with your aphobic BS but look at you! aw~#yall dont wanna commit to shit you just want to tell other people how they should exist.#if you cant create for whatever reason you better be ready and willing to drop your rec list and fave artists. and i sure as shit hope your#complimenting them thoroughly.
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Parents: put off happiness until rich
Parents: *aren't rich OR happy*
unfortunately my parents are rich (like. middle class rich not millionaires but still Rich.) 😔 but yeah they spent their whole lives working to pull themselves up out of poverty and now they're not happy AT ALL so i have no intention of following in their footsteps lmao
#and to be clear. i rarely see a penny of their money so im not lying when i say im poor.#and moving back in with them would be genuinely harmful so i do not have any kind of security from them#i know i dont have to justify myself or whatever but i dont want anyone pulling a gotcha and being like#'why dont you just go back to your rich mommy and daddy you ungrateful brat'
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i had this old man teacher in middle school who basically was Charles Xavier. i mean, he looked the part, he sounded the part, he acted the part- really the only difference was the lack of telepathy and he could walk. and the name i guess.
well i ran into him the other day and his recently wedded husband. they met when he was in the military forever ago and reconvened and inevitably tied the knot.
his husband’s name?
Erik.
i am being dead serious. a part of me evaporated.
What in the reddit story…….. youre yanking my chain SURELY…. But if youre not has his husband ever expressed revolutionary ideation or—
#snap chats#guys im scared im supposed to have class rn but no one else is here#and there was no sign on the door an i dont have access to our Class Board or w/e to check for announcements#sitting in a dark ass lonely ass classroom by myself drawing old people…. ill leave in twenty mins#not like id be doing anything else but i just wanna know if i missed somethin….#peopel usually get in this class like ten mins early esp my prof#the room crowds quick and its small as is so people usually want a good spot#I For Once left early to get My Spot but…. ill be so pissed if this the pnly time class was cancelled or somn CMON 😭#oh right the ask tho. WOSNWKS YOURE LYING I REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU THATS WAY TOO COINCIDENTAL#if true get your ass a lottery ticket. and then throwme like idk 3k im tryna buy two statues#so funny if true… i refuse to believe it… but itd be very funny if true….#ok im fr scared have any of you ever played Bully#ok well yk when you do something bad in bully like Trespassing theres that like. ‘Trespassing’ thing blinking on your hud#THARS HOW I FEEEEL I FEEL LIKE ‘TRUENCY’ AND ‘TRESPASSING’ FLASHING ON MY SHIT HEEELP#w/e. anyway congratulations to your not-charles-xavier-but-close-enough teacher and his husband#so funny you say this tho i had plans on making a comic with a wedding joke…. the stars are alligning i fear..#BUT im finishing up one thing en so. another day…..
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Episode 91 Nara to Neil: Is it because you know, because you know that my affection is a means to an end or do you feel something for Wynn and don't know how to say it?
Episode 95 Neil to Wynn: If this is a moment where there’s a line in the sand about us staying together, you know I’ll follow you to go die.
Episode 91 Neil to Nara: I haven’t known these things maybe for a long time, and so I just sit in inaction because I don’t know.
Episode 95 Narration of Neil by Rob: When Wynn confirms to Britta that she’s in love with Kabir, Neil goes stock still.
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#path of night podcast#i am the very definition of this meme#there's gotta be something here right??? right???????#what would be real fun that would be an absolutely massive undertaking would be pulling out all these little moments between neil and wynn#that could potentially show some sort of interest from neil bcuz lbr u are lying to yourself if u didnt at some point go hm neil and wynn??#so was the ladder neil admitting to himself he doesn't know if he's in love with wynn or was the ladder confirming that he is in love#with wynn bcuz its his own sub conscious who posited this#and how long do you have to be thinking about something for it to manifest in the ladder#we got suicidal neil and neil possibly in love with wynn in one fell swoop#the ladder was just chalk full of so many implications there for everyone ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#also hmmmm parallels between neil's ladder with the new york skyline and the suicide talk to wynn and neil on the roof at the rave talking#hmmmmmmmmmm#why do i do this to myself#its so much searching and then fucking around with puncuation sorry for the atrocious punctuation i am not a transcriber#theres also no way to accurately capture tone of voice or the silences and emphases imo#like wynn when she says yeah to answer britta's question on whether she's in love with kabir#also considered including the follow up “he doesn't mean the most to me but i am in love with him” line from wynn like cmon#im dying here
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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I've been trying to talk about my emotions, but damn do i get paranoid I might get in trouble for feeling human emotions guh
I just feel horrible, I'm sorry y'all, life is biting me so hard :/
#i know i keep saying “dw im fine :]” but gosh its been hard to say that sometimes#im sorry guys i swear ill try#im gonna keep going no matter what but im just not all here#so many people in my life have been feeling like trash but i also feel like trash and i feel like if i talk about my stuff they might feel-#-worse :<#i just want people to feel happy but that cant happen#it takes so much time but goodness#come on everything gets better. please everything will work out#just have to keep going and hoping everything gets better#just lying to myself but hopefully ill believe it soon#im not looking for sympathy you dont need to comfort me when i cant even comfort others or myself#i need to learn#yall need to take care of yalls selfs no matter what. okay?#even if someone on the internet is feeling bad all that matters is your own mental health#we're all in this together alright?#the world is being torn down but never let that tear down your spirits#i believe in yall and yall should believe in yourselfs#be proud of anything you create or enjoy because only you can create those things or enjoy those things the way you do#i hope yall have a great rest of your week and take it easy#im gonna post art in a lil bit so i can distract myself#apologetically rambling
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Whenever I get spoilers, I go stare outside with my hands clasped behind my back for a few minutes
#IT WAS JUST THE CWO (IYKYK)#but... hm.#he really wasn't lying when he said there was an image like that#hey man. hey. what's going on. why're you doing that#as i usually say. as long as i can convince myself there's another plausible reason for something ive seen#then i can usually discount it#so im sure there's a good reason for it#you-know-who don't get mad at me again IT WASN'T MY FAULT THIS TIME#puff's swag art#tablet art tag#mood doodle
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I am begging of ANYONE who EVER speaks to me to take me at my word.
I feel like im the only person who actually uses their fucking words to mean what they fucking say.
"Oh you dont mean that, you're just saying that"
Im not, though? Im not gonna waste my fucking time lying to a stranger i dont like. I either like you and we talk or i tell you that i dont want to talk anymore.
You dont think i have the spine to do it? I'd tell any one to fuck off. Point Blank. I dont give a shit. Im here to make friendships and spread kindness. I dont have time to waste on people who dont love me.
#I say “im available that day but not this one” and then my own fucking family said “oh so you're coming over today?”#NO. I USED MY FUCKING WORDS WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM. FUCK.#Oh join this group chat 🥰 it'll keep you up to date-OR YOU COULD JUST TEXT ME DIRECTLY? WHEN YOU MAKE PLANS???? INVOLVING ME????#Now i cant go because You Didnt Give Me A Chance what the hell am i supposed to do with that?#and there's this one person whom i love so dearly that i Keep Having To Repeat Myself To#PLEASE just listen the first time#i know you dont want to believe that anyone could love you and that i migbt be lying to you but i Literally Cant#its so fucking ingrained in me I Have To Tell The Truth Or I Will Die#the tism is tisming#im literally gonna lose it#how did we make words and still cant fucking use them#im gonna resort to grunts and growls if these people are gonna keep acting so fucking dense#vent#i guess
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#interview with the vampire#i just found and watched a video on youtube that is a lestat hate and rant about his fans and it was so SO cathartic#i dont even agree with everything said and was naturally at first skeptic of a youtuber's opinion#but finally FINALLY there is a louder voice of someone who can see things about this show from another point of view#even if it's a pov that's more strict than the one i use to analyze media myself#i thought i was going crazy when seeing the fan opinions surrounding this show. mostly out there but sometimes here too#like yeah with how popular loustat is i knew there would be plenty of bias for the angle that flatters it#but the things ive seen lestat & loustat fans say.... the longing for eye bleach was real#but finally someone is there to underline that hey. that very present very intentional racial and power dynamics are in fact very real.#do in fact influence the characters accordingly. and does not come out of thin air or just 'the circumstances'#it's valid to explore the other side of the coin in louis' character of course. but it doesnt mean that it's not there#mind you. all of that shit louis described? is while insisting he was not 'an abused person'#and its so satisfying to see how someone can pass all the bullshit and have the serenity of heart to recognize that#regardless of everything else. there is a reason why louis felt like lestat was a predator and he was being preyed on#that is because he largely was. lestat *was* a vampire on the hunt. an emotional vampire to boost along with the more literal sense#he might disagree to be doing that on a conscious level and he might have clear reasons to have the instincts he does. he still did that#thank you for also calling bullshit on the reunion scene dialogue and parts of the trial in how it was trying to frame certain things#its the main reason why s2 didnt fully work for me. like jesus christ.#that man literally was part of a ploy to murder their daughter. BE SERIOUS. and im supposed to be mad about armand's involvement??#i also felt so seen when he talked about how dickmatized penis delirious to the point of frustration louis is#there is so much to be grateful for. in highlighting the weight of lestat's involvement vs armand's#in talking about louis' family's side of things. expressing how people for some reason love to call armand a mastermind lying manipulator#when the first culprit of that is the blonde bitch??#honestly the irritation i feel towards many of the fans of this show and the major opinions was such#that i was feeling bad just be seeing iwtv content around and i dont wanna feel like that. i like the show so much.#this was soul clearing in a way. even if. again. i dont fully agree with everything#love how its so clear how so many people try to invoke the books when trying to dissuade him from thinking ill of lestat#because thats exactly my experience too LMAO. talk about a weak limpdick argument#and people who try to invoke unreliable narrator are not much better#and the whole story is made up from the writer's head and nothing matters! see i can do this too
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon
#the paradox of never wanting to be a burden. of becoming someone that doesnt annoy anyone#is that you feel guilt for talking about the pain with others#and so. you falsely but understandably think isolation will be the perfect solution#''if i isolate then im suffering but if no one hears about it no one cares and no one is bothered so i win''#is a fundamentally cruel take. is the thing. and it is so hard to accept that because of the guilt and the feeling that there is no winning#but the thing is when you isolate and suffer people are now both worried about you and feel discarded. feel hopeless. etc.#and i dont think you should do everything for others. and i think when you are making choices for others it is worth being#realistic about what you are deciding for them and knowing when it is irrational#bc the thing is people do care and that does feel uncomfortable#and you do feel guilty for people being ''bothered'' by your suffering#and i understand the instinct to say no! the point of me isolating is so you dont feel bad about me! stop caring!#thinking this is the righteous thing to say to someone when really it is just something that hurts to hear#i'm still learning it too. i'm not perfect at it. i'm chronically suicidal and always going back and forth with myself about all the horrors#two things:#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.#2) the best way to unburden yourself to others is to not kill yourself. to find hope or curiousity or whatever will keep you alive and#grab it fiercely with both hands. to start to be kind to yourself when it's hard and to at least recognize the goodness of others#instead of cruelly dismissing them. i don't think therapy is the only answer or even the best answer. i think too much is too expensive#to suggest anything that isnt something you can do on your own#and it is fucking hard and feels impossible and you'll have a lot of bad moments with it but like. i know you can get to a place where#you're not cured but you're not cruel anymore. and it gets easier from there#ugh none of this will ever get to that guy but i just really wish him the best and ill respect his wishes and not think abt it anymore#but just for the record that does hurt bc i care about people and it sucks when im not allowed to but thats his perogative and#he is his own person and i just really hope things look up for him soon bc hes cool and has nice art
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look what i can do now! should i ever learn to gif it's over for you hoes.
#narrator voice: she will - in fact - never learn to make gifs#[never say never but i also dont have tech stuff patience or mind]#i am satisfied wi this#i am so pleased with myself for discovering this#now i just got to figure out how to do this without it catching my noises#unless people want my liveblogging ... more life#anywho#farryn is lying#farryn and solas#i wish we could have 'persuade' and 'lying' dialogue the way we used to in dao#at least just when playing against solas#it struck me just now but whenever i play with farryn sometimes im like that's a like. ey is lying. this is farryn being a lying liar who#lies right here#but i cant distinguish that#it would have been fun to have rook and solas lie to each other and see if the other could track it you know#insight: farryn laidir#insight: farryn leshy#grapecase plays da4#da4 spoilers#datv spoilers#da4#dragon age#i will say ... i dont like the lauryn hill hair on em#which sucks bc i like the hair.#i dont think it works with eir forhead#anyway jsyk farryn is lying particularly about feeling it being different bc it was eir command#and ofc solas' response is helpful#as varric said. meet solas as a humble person wanting to learn and ...#if anyone is reading this .... im sorry lmao#edit: just realizing how loudly this picks up my allergy noises
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#alex gets personal#i'm just so fucking tired of this#nothing works it never actually gets better it never stops being fucking excruciating work every single day#ive been stringing myself along with empty promises and 'it'll get better'#but it's just. not. getting better#do you know how exhausted i am? because i am not exaggerating or lying when i say that i have been trying not to kill myself since i was#three years old and alone and lonely and hated and disliked and reduced to my mother's puppet#and my father hated from the moment he got informed of my potential existence#and then it just got WORSE#all of it just kept getting worse and worse and it never stopped and i was never not alone and i'm so fucking tired#and did i already mention nothing works anymore#cause you can give me the best fucking pep talk ever and my response will be i dont care i just want it to stop#im just gonna keep distracting myself until i either die or get better#whatever happens first and we all know it won't be getting better so therapy's gonna be fun on wednesday
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dudes ive hit a point with The Horrors:tm: where im unable to convince myself that any of my friends actually like me
#vent#it's like. i think im a pretty solid guy#my negative traits dont define my view of myself etc#i understand that if someone doesnt ike me it doesnt mean im horible etc#but like. i am unable to believe that anyone wants to be around me#even if someone explicitly says they want to talk to me/want to hang out/enjoy my presence#im like hmm. well. sounds fake.#and again it's not like i think im an unlovable piece of shit or something#i just dont think anyone is being honest with me#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me#but im simultaneously excessively sensitive and will be like 'wait do they hate me now' if someone sends like an all lowercase one word tex#because it's like. oh no what if they actually ARE hinting that they dont like me. etc#most of the time when i get 'god shut the fuck up' vibes theres not actually anything wrong#BUT because theres been so many times that i MISSED the 'god shut the fuck up' vibes#i automatically assume everyone is mad at me/doesnt like me/doesnt want t talk.#even trying to say 'usually im wrong about people being mad' is extremely difficult#bc im like. fully convinced ive been right every time#and that everyone has just been lying t me#this has been a thing since like. age 14+ for me#but lately it's gotten worse#and like im scared to even dm a friend a meme because they might be mad (they literally sent me a song rec earlier. i have no reason to#assume theyre mad. except when i got the messages i was like 'oh no what if this has a hidden meaning')#it's one of those things where like. my anxiety medication works really well#but this is the flavor of anxiety thats inspired by past experiences#s even if i try to tell myself there arent any signs that theyre mad/annoyed/whatever#i immediately think 'but ive been wrong before.'#and then that same loop stops me from asking. because asking either annoys people or they lie to me about it#idk idk idk im tired#even if i did ask i wouldnt believe any answer other than 'yes im mad/annoyed/whatever'#including if they add 'i just need to be alone right now' or 'yes but not at you' or 'yes and i need to cool off'
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ik a mention rgg nerfing ttm's features when modelin sawashiro every five minutes but they really had to cause aint no way in hell would a been intimated by this bruv if they didnt
#snap chats#oh im fucked i really put 'a' instead of 'i'. whatever thats how i pronounce it we goin phonetic baby#did ou know i remember abolutely nothing about the ending of drive. i watched it while drinking two soju#DO NOT RECOMMEND by responsible#to totally contradict myself im drinkin nigori i bought . i didnt know alcohol cold frreeze and i accidentally froze it ☠️☠️☠️#iiii ALOMST knocked my cup over ohmy gd#moving on. legality to say soem BULLSHIT noowt ho#anyway n o lsien to me ttm's 38 in this movie and sawashiro's 38 in 2000. probably. i cant do math rn Or Ever point is About Same Age#this IS from drive. great movie. and this is one of his cuter/sillier roles imo so awkward comp but ill still speak#main text got me lying i was out of pocket seeing bro frame 1 anyways but it woulda been a diff vibe this route lsten to me#hes just too cute bro . bye. fymhes an antagonist hes too cte for that <- his filmography prves otherwise#gon try to start an argument with me what you gon do mate kiss me ??? enough.#i like how ttm just has A Vibe to him. Apparently. he always playin awkward mates.... back then anyway..#postman blues did him so dirty bein all 'slender-framed mates are more prone to socipathy' LKE LEAVE HIM ALONNNE#wehhh i wish they mocapped his facial expressions more accuraltey in rgg. and his teeth. his smle still cute to me..#i sound lke my mom when she talks bout lee joongi whenever i talk bout ttm ew lke bye. stop#ok im going bak to playing mincraft now bye#oh my gd when did it become 2AM literally suck my ween
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