#im lying to you and myself when i say that
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Toji x sugarmummy! Reader 🥰
(not prof read im sorry I really couldn’t be bothered)
18+ smut MDNI !
(oral, fem!recieving, unprotected sex, P in V, degrading, pet names, praise etc)
- he met you one night in a bar, an expensive bar. Somewhere that he wouldnt be unless he was surveying a target.
- He sat secluded in the shadows, blending in. No one paying any heed to the considerably underdressed man who stalked each patron from the corner. He may as well of had a giant “fuck off” printed on his forehead. Not that anyone would notice him anyway enough to approach. It was like he was part if the background, toothpick in between his scarred lips.
- majority of the night he spent unnoticed as per usual, that was until one of the waiters approached the booth he was sat in, he was preparing to tell the young lad to fuck off until he heard was he said.
“The Lady at the end of the bar sent this for you sir, enjoy” the young man said placing down an expensive looking glass of some kind of whisky. Toji raised the glass, taking a sip - shit it tasted expensive too.
- his eyes glanced up looking for whoever sent this too him, all of a sudden on his guard
- until he saw you, oozing glamour as you sipped ona glass of wine, your hair shining in the dim lights of the bar, your manicured hands tapping on the marble bar top as you watched him, a sly grin on your face. Like a cat, watching a little mouse scurry around on the floor. You were expensive as well, Toji thought. He could tell by the way you held yourself, the jewellery that adorned your almost polished skin, that dress you had on - God that dress
- Toji didn’t go as unnoticed as he thought. that’s unusual
- Fuck it, he thought to himself as he rose from the shadows, emerging into the warm light. Still no one paying any attention to him other than you. He was curious, whats someone like you doing sending someone like him a drink, he felt like a 20 year old girl who was being hit on. But still, he wears curious. After all you might be related to this mission - at least that was the excuse he was giving himself as he approached you, sitting on the bar stool next to you
- He went to speak first, but you beat him first. “What’s a handsome guy like you doing in a place like this?” you teased, the sound of you velvety voice was music to Toji’s ears. You were confident and he could tell, your merciless eyecontact with him, not giving him a second to faulter.
- “Careful doll, I might think you’re flirting with me” he spoke after a moment of eye contact, watching your eyes light up at the fact he was playing along with your little game. He took anther generous sip on the whisky you bought him, wondering if you might taste as good
- “And what if I am… what can I say, you’ve been sat in the corner all night long, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.” You spoke in a sultry tone, a hint of a smirk playing over your lips, you lean slightly closer, eyelashes fluttering as you gaze up at the dangerous looking man, main thing the eye contact that was creating an intimate atmosphere. The dim lights of the bar seeming to cast a delicate warmth on your flawless features, further alluring the man opposite you
- you extended your hand and offered the man your name, which he accepted. “Toji” he introduced himself, reclining onto the bar, biceps flexing. Your quick glance to his muscles not going unnoticed. A cocky smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth as he spoke “Maybe I was enjoying an evening to myself” he countered, words coated in arrogance
- “Oh please, don’t lie, if you weren’t interested you wouldn’t have come over” you chuckled at him, rather enjoying this interaction
- “Well it’s hard to ignore when a woman looking as good as you do sends me a drink… Or maybe I just came over for another glass of whisky” Toji’s eyes were trailing up your figure shamelessly at this point, stopping on your cleavage for a few noticeable seconds. You also took note of how his eyes travelled to your jewellery also, the diamond rings and sparkling watch you had on.
- “if you’re nice to me, ill get you as many glasses as you want” you stated without shame, you were quite intent on Toji, you’d do pretty much anything to get him. Despite only knowing him for an hour, you were drawn in. Toji’s charisma was palpable, playing his little hard to get role was really working for you
- “Im not so sure you could afford me sweetheart - and im anything but nice” He was close to you now, you didn’t realise but through this conversation you both had made your way closer and closer, pulled in by some unknown force. The smell of your perfume now engulfing him, a captivating blend of sweet notes that further blurred his sense. The alcohol flowing through his system not helping his inhibition, finding himself disorientated in that moment, his resolve weakening. He was thinking of taking you home right then, trying to stay strong and not imagine what faces you would pull as he fucked that cocky little smile out of you, or how you would sound as he cut off your cocky remarks by playing with your wet little cunt.
- You were both close enough now that one swift movement and his lips would be on yours, you couldnt take your eyes off of his. His whole energy promised you trouble. Good thing that was what you wanted, Not taking your eyes off his you pulled out a roll of bills, slamming them on the table, pushing them his way.
- “That enough for you pretty boy?”
- Seconds later you’re leaving that bar, your hand in his as you lead him out of the room. His eyes shamelessly watching your ass move in the dress, following you behind like a guard dog.
- As soon as your out of the car - you had a fucking private driver, toji was laughing in his head, you must be a real spoiled princess - Toji was itching to get you into your room, pressing into you behind as you fiddled with your keys, opening your door “down boy” you smirked at him
- That was it, Toji didn’t even let you get to the bedroom before he had his mouth on you, tasting the wine you’d been drinking earlier on your luscious lips. His huge hands roaming over any part of your body that he could access, relishing in those noises you made, god.
- He made quick work of that dress, throwing it off into the corner of the room somewhere before caging you in between him and the wall, lips unrelenting as he forced you into submission. He could tell even those lacy underwear you had on were expensive, the feel of them under his fingers.
- There was no space left between you as your lips fought each other with pent up passion, Toji had been thinking about this since the moment he saw you, and god that car journey was almost unbearable, having to listen to that honeyed voice of yours, teasing and taunting him when all he could thinks bout was how fast he could get you creaming on his cock. Hearing that voice of yours come out in beautiful broken moans.
-His lips finding their way to your neck, licking and biting the skin. Each movement filled with an undeniable hunger, you could feel him through his jeans. Your manicured nails finding your way to his back, tugging up his shirt and throwing it off in the distance like he did with your dress. Slowly dragging your nails down his now uncovered skin. He pulled away for a second, small strands of hair covering his eyes as he admired the many marks that he had left on you, they looked so good on your skin.
- Your eyes travelling down to look at his figured, and you weren’t disappointed. Your eyes roamed without restraint, drinking him in. The contours of his physique was captivating, he was so broad and so tall that he eclipsed you completely. You rubbed your thighs together just from seeing the deep V of his waistline and the broadness of his chest.
- “enjoying the view doll?” he purred, snapping you out of your little daydream. You couldnt do much else but nod. a pleasant fog shrounding your senses as you adhered to the dominance Toji exuded
- “oh? what happened to the girl at the bar? not so confident now are we sweetheart” he laughed as you just watched him with glossed eyes “No sassy comeback, shit youre already gone.” That arrogant smirk never leaving his face
- you couldnt even register that hed grabbed you and thrown you on the couch, only clocking back in when his fingers were ghosting over you wet cunt after having removed your panties. There you were, splayed out in a lacy bra, heels still on your feet as he kissed down your legs and nipped at your thighs, he was hardly even touching you but your hands still shot to his hair, trying to keep a grip of yourself. Hands grabbing gentle fistfuls of his dark locks.
- “easy princess, be a good girl and let me taste you” he murmured from between your thighs, pinning them down with his massive hands. You could do nothing but sit there and take what he gave you
- While his touches seems soft an gentle, it disguises his turn nature which is to have you trembling underneath him.
- He dives head first into your already dripping pussy, you juices dripping down his chin as he holds you quivering little legs up like the gentleman he is.
- He’s animalistic with it, every stroke of his thick tongue bringin out a sinful moan from those pretty little lips, every bump of his nose on your clit has you twitching and bucking underneath him, all hes trying to do is tame the spoilt brat your parents raised
- it not long until you releasing all over him, the noises of him sucking on your clit had the band inside you tightening until you thought you would break. when you finally do cum, you crying out his name and gushing all over that perfect face of his. Even then he doesnt let up, eating you until you’ve ridden out your high and are crying from overstimulation
- “that good huh princess?” you put all of your will into giving his hair a harsh tug, you still hadn’t released your grip as you lay there panting. Those taunting eyes of his staring at you from between your legs, you would say he looked angelic, but everything about this situation was far to sinful to be making such a comparison
-“Careful doll” he warns - Secretly getting more turned on by seeing you try to stay feisty
-Mere seconds later, not enough time for you to recover from that earth shattering orgasm, Toji is flipping you over, manhandling you into all fours as you allow him to move you as he wishes. He pushes you head into the cushions on your couch before positioning himself behind you
-You swear you were physically twitching as the sound of him unbuckling his belt. something that usually isn’t that erotic, but the way he was building up suspense and dragging it out had you quivering
-“God Toji, please fuck me. Please” You had completely given up on the confident act now, not that it lasted very long at all. All you wanted, no all you Needed was for this man to absolutely destroy you, rearrange your guts
-“Oh princess, did I get you all worked up? Look how much of a needy little whore you’re being for me” He’s dragging himself through the folds of your dripping cunt now. Slightly regretting not being able to see the expression on your face, but he knows it will be worth it in a minute for how deep he’s about to fuck you “See doll, isn’t this much easier than playing the spoilt bratty bitch. I would’ve taken you home a lot quicker if you said please like a good girl.. Matter of fact, say it again for me”
-“Please Toji, I need your cock, Plea-“ Tears were welling in your eyes as that pathetic whimpers and begs left you. Only to be cut off by Toji filling you to the brim in one thrust.
-You were sure you were about to choke, he was so deep it was like you could feel him in your throat. He stills, giving you a moment to adjust to his considerable size. Sure he gave off big dick energy at the bar, But you weren’t expecting him to be this big. You can hear him stifle a chuckle at your reaction to his cock
-Your walls so wet that the welcomed him with ease, allowing his throbbing cock to invade your velvety heat. Toji had to still himself as well, God you were so fucking right. Your pussy felt so good, even your pussy felt expensive
-Who knew the woman giving off an aura of glamour and class would be such a slut for some cock.
-His hand reached down, grabbing a fistful of your hair, giving it a tug. He began the move, throbbing clock sliding in and out of you in a teasing pace, it was almost torturing, but toji didn’t want to get ahead of himself. He wanted to have you unravel. you would be a cock drunk mess by the end of the evening he was certain. After all that’s what he was being paid to do
-“Oh my fucking god” you groan out, eyes rolling into the back of your head as his pace starts to increase. The crude sounds of his skin slapping against yours. balls hitting your clit echoed off your walls
-“Not God, just Toji princess” Smug fucker. If this wasn’t some of the best dick you have ever had you would slap him for how cocky he is
-His thick cock was stretching you in a way that was so delicious you were seeing stars. You were leaving on your elbows when the buckled underneath the pleasure, leaving you face first into the cushions, hands gripping onto them for dear life as the man behind throughly fucked the attitude out of you
-“Fuck- god this pussy is so good” He grunting and groaning, pulling at you hair to get a better grip on his thrusts. Th way you were arched right now had Toji hitting that spongy spot inside you. Your toes were curling, hot tears falling from you eyes and onto the cushions.
-Toji couldn’t believe his luck, he’d got out of that boring ass mission he was stuck in, he met a fucking gorgeous girl to take home with some of the best pussy he’s ever had. And she’s paying him more than he was going to get for the fucking mission anyway. Toji made it a personal mission to fuck you well, not because he was being paid, because he knew his services were worth paying for
-His free hand was soon making quick work of your clit, rubbing in tight quick circles. Focused on the bundle of nerves. You couldn’t help but grip him even tighter. Pulling him back in whenever he tried pulling back from your pussy
-“shit doll- hah” He had to screw his eyes such, trying to ward off his orgasm, he wasn’t yet ready to succumb to the pleasure he was feeling
-You on the other hand were crying out for your impending orgasm. “F-fuck Toji- i’m gonna-“ Waves rippling through your body, teasing you, warning you your climax was near. Your hips moving erratically, pushy squeezing Toji with each movement. Until he hit that spot in you again, and you were broken. Your legs trembled as your mouth opened in a silent scream. You stopped breathing for a moment as pleasure wracked through your body. “goddamn sweetheart.” he murmured, watching you, feeling how tightly you were clenching him.
-Now that Toji’s mission was accomplished, He could finish up. Not that it was going to take much. The way you were moaning incoherently beneath him still reeling from your orgasm, and the warm depths of you walls as hit fat tip hit your cervix, Your body- back arched all for him. He was cumming minutes after you, his hips never slowing their piston like pace. You could tell he was close as his breathing changed and his grunts turned into moans. A sound you needed to hear more of next time “Fucking hell sweetheart, I love this slutty little pussy”
-His hips began to stutter before he planted himself as deep as he could go, his hips pressed tightly against your ass as he shot thick hot ropes of cum into you. You wriggled at the feeling, so intimate, yet so dirty
-This became a regular thing, something you were quite happy with, and so was Toji.
- you paid him for his services, and he would treat you like a princess - until you got home of course and he was fucking you like some whore hed met on the street.
- Your dynamic was perfect, just what you were looking for, and you couldn’t be more grateful for a man like him
- it wasn’t official that you were his sugar mummy of course, it was like you were casually dating, if he needed money to bet on something,, you were sending it over. Along with a picture of you in lingerie, letting him know you were waiting for him when he got back. You liked to spoil him, showing him in designer shirts and beautiful watches.
- When you bought him a watch he had expressed hed been wanting for a while, he had his face buried in between your thighs to say thank you. He didn’t let up in the slightest, showing his thanks by leaving your les absolutely quivering
- After a while, the lines blurred, it became less sexual and more about just enjoying eachothers company. You had movie night and cute dinner dates that ended up with you both snuggling on you couch. Or sweet little self care nights when you managed to convince him to let you put a face mask on him (he secretly loved it)
- Toji just enjoyed showering you in affection, it actually wasn’t all about them money for him - even though it meant he didnt have to work as much - he just liked being around you. he didn’t mind that you would pay for most things, he was a secure enough man to not let it effect his masculinity. after all he was masculine enough in every other area, treating you like a princess
#jjk#jjk smut#jjk x reader#jjk x you#jjk fanfic#jjk toji#toji fushiguro#toji x reader#toji zenin#jujutsu kaisen toji#jujutsu toji#toji smut#toji x you#toji x y/n#toji zenin smut#toji fushigro x reader#toji fushiguro smut
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obvious
we listen and we don’t judge
in which…avery convinced hamzah to do the tiktok trend ‘we listen and we don’t judge’
“i know you know exactly what trend i’m talking about,”avery turned her body so she was facing hamzah on his couch and bat her eyelashes dramatically, “pleaseee.”
hamzah sighed, “fine, but i need to think of some things first.”
“okay, yay!” avery set up her phone so it was set up in front of them on the coffee table. they repositioned themselves so that they were in frame and facing the camera.
avery started filming, “okay ready?”
“wait what? no give me some time girl,” he exaggerated before putting his head in his hands to think.
avery rolled her eyes before stopping the filming but not deleting that part.
five minutes later hamzah had finally done his thinking, “okay i’m ready.”
“finally,” avery started filming again, “okay we gotta say it together, ready?”
“we listen and we don’t judge,” they slowly said together and being unable to contain a smile while looking at each other.
“one time when i spent the night at your place, i stole one of your hoodies and regifted it to my brother for christmas,” avery said, laughing through it.
hamzah’s jaw dropped open, “what?!? which one?!?”
“see you don’t even miss it!” avery exclaimed, “we listen and we don’t judge.”
“fine well one time i used your toothbrush,” hamzah said laughing, covering his mouth.
“hamzah! are you fucking kidding?!?” avery yelled and hamzah shook his head still laughing, “ugh that’s nasty, oh my god,” avery put her head down in her lap.
“we listen and we don’t judge!” hamzah said while shaking avery’s shoulders.
“okay sometimes i lie and say im really tired after work just cause i know you’ll offer to get me food or make me something,” avery admitted.
“okay that’s not bad, but now you’ve ruined it , i’m not doing that anymore,” hamzah laughed.
“noooo we listen and we don’t judge!” avery complained.
“i have a photo album of just pictures of you in outfits I’ve thought looked good so that whenever you’re complaining about having nothing to wear, i’ll just go through it and suggest one and it ALWAYS works,” hamzah shared proudly.
avery pushed his shoulder, “stop you’re lying, you weirdo,” they laughed together, “can you share that album with me?”
“no it’s my secret,” hamzah said and avery rolled her eyes
“we listen and we don’t judge,” they both said together.
“i only listen to your podcast if i know i was mentioned in it,” avery said through a laugh.
“okay i know that already,” hamzah exclaimed throwing his hands up, “you’re secretly a hater, girl.”
“no no i just hear you guys yap like everyday of my life, i do not need to hear any more,” avery said with a sorry look on her face.
“yeah yeah whatever,” hamzah said with a fake sad sigh.
avery pushed hamzah’s arm, “okay do one more.”
“we listen and we don’t judge,” they said together.
hamzah’s smile fell slightly, “last time i picked you up after the bar, i had to fight quite literally every urge humanly possible in my body to ignore you basically throwing yourself at me,” he took a deep breath in and laughed, “it sucked.”
avery’s smile dropped and she stopped the recording, “okay well i can’t post that.”
“i thought we weren’t judging,” hamzah laughed and watched as avery’s face turned from what looked like surprise to confusion to beet red.
“way to ruin my funny video,” avery leaned back against the couch and slumped, “also there’s no way i was throwing myself at you, that seems a bit dramatic.”
hamzah scoffed, “you literally referred to me as your ‘booty call’ and said, and i quote, ‘i can think of a few things you could do with me.’”
avery rolled her eyes, “okay yeah that’s my bad,” avery looked around the room before looking back to hamzah, “maybe try to look, you know, uglier when you interact with drunk me. she tends to have very little self control.”
hamzah laughed then smirked, “you calling me cute, aves?”
“in your dreams,” she laughed, “you’re mediocre at best.”
“yeah yeah, whatever you say, miss-“ he threw up air quotes and mocked her in a high pitch voice, “oh hamzah please i’m so needy and helpless will you please help me undo my top?” hamzah did his best to reenact avery’s drunken movements and voice.
“i’m never calling you ever again,” avery stood up and began to walk to the other room.
hamzah watched her leave before yelling, “i’ll be expecting a call friday night!”
——
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I forgot to update but my boy is done and he is beautiful
#so sadly i suck at taking photos#and this fucking monstrosity is too big for me to take a picture of it anywhere#its hard to get the entire blanket in picture so yall just get to see like the main bit#it should be queen sized i havent measured it but the plan was for it to be like 80x80 ish#im now obsessed with tapestry crochet and want to do much smaller projects#im never making that big of blanket again#im lying to you and myself when i say that#im a bit proud of this one actually it only took me like 3-4ish months to get this done#adventure time#crochet#if i had a penny for every time i stress finish a gift on Christmas eve i would have 3 cents its not alot but its strange to happen 3 times#i have my heart set on making s tapestry of a junji ito picture for the back of a cardigan but i need a break from bigger things
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"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"
stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office
#good thing those folks have yet to find their way into my inbox or id be at risk of embarrassing myself lol#if you wanna see more of the content you prefer...make it yourself :3 MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING SELF lol#youre so attached to the idea youll complain about it but you refuse to do anything about it even create works that you and others will sur#ly enjoy how does this even make sense#sorry for reviving this from the dead when it blessfully hasnt been a thing in the tag for a hot moment but im still irritated hahahah#seriously you know what that screams to me? virtue signalling. you wont do anything except say a few words every now and again like#the motivation starts and ends at appealing to the popular opinion. earn your brownie points. and do nothing.#what is your care made of? thoughts and prayers?#every time ive asked one of these people why they dont make the content themselves the response has been 'i shouldnt have to lol'#you shouldnt have to bully people either with your aphobic BS but look at you! aw~#yall dont wanna commit to shit you just want to tell other people how they should exist.#if you cant create for whatever reason you better be ready and willing to drop your rec list and fave artists. and i sure as shit hope your#complimenting them thoroughly.
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Parents: put off happiness until rich
Parents: *aren't rich OR happy*
unfortunately my parents are rich (like. middle class rich not millionaires but still Rich.) 😔 but yeah they spent their whole lives working to pull themselves up out of poverty and now they're not happy AT ALL so i have no intention of following in their footsteps lmao
#and to be clear. i rarely see a penny of their money so im not lying when i say im poor.#and moving back in with them would be genuinely harmful so i do not have any kind of security from them#i know i dont have to justify myself or whatever but i dont want anyone pulling a gotcha and being like#'why dont you just go back to your rich mommy and daddy you ungrateful brat'
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Episode 91 Nara to Neil: Is it because you know, because you know that my affection is a means to an end or do you feel something for Wynn and don't know how to say it?
Episode 95 Neil to Wynn: If this is a moment where there’s a line in the sand about us staying together, you know I’ll follow you to go die.
Episode 91 Neil to Nara: I haven’t known these things maybe for a long time, and so I just sit in inaction because I don’t know.
Episode 95 Narration of Neil by Rob: When Wynn confirms to Britta that she’s in love with Kabir, Neil goes stock still.
#path of night podcast#i am the very definition of this meme#there's gotta be something here right??? right???????#what would be real fun that would be an absolutely massive undertaking would be pulling out all these little moments between neil and wynn#that could potentially show some sort of interest from neil bcuz lbr u are lying to yourself if u didnt at some point go hm neil and wynn??#so was the ladder neil admitting to himself he doesn't know if he's in love with wynn or was the ladder confirming that he is in love#with wynn bcuz its his own sub conscious who posited this#and how long do you have to be thinking about something for it to manifest in the ladder#we got suicidal neil and neil possibly in love with wynn in one fell swoop#the ladder was just chalk full of so many implications there for everyone ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#also hmmmm parallels between neil's ladder with the new york skyline and the suicide talk to wynn and neil on the roof at the rave talking#hmmmmmmmmmm#why do i do this to myself#its so much searching and then fucking around with puncuation sorry for the atrocious punctuation i am not a transcriber#theres also no way to accurately capture tone of voice or the silences and emphases imo#like wynn when she says yeah to answer britta's question on whether she's in love with kabir#also considered including the follow up “he doesn't mean the most to me but i am in love with him” line from wynn like cmon#im dying here
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Whenever I get spoilers, I go stare outside with my hands clasped behind my back for a few minutes
#IT WAS JUST THE CWO (IYKYK)#but... hm.#he really wasn't lying when he said there was an image like that#hey man. hey. what's going on. why're you doing that#as i usually say. as long as i can convince myself there's another plausible reason for something ive seen#then i can usually discount it#so im sure there's a good reason for it#you-know-who don't get mad at me again IT WASN'T MY FAULT THIS TIME#puff's swag art#tablet art tag#mood doodle
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.
#interview with the vampire#i just found and watched a video on youtube that is a lestat hate and rant about his fans and it was so SO cathartic#i dont even agree with everything said and was naturally at first skeptic of a youtuber's opinion#but finally FINALLY there is a louder voice of someone who can see things about this show from another point of view#even if it's a pov that's more strict than the one i use to analyze media myself#i thought i was going crazy when seeing the fan opinions surrounding this show. mostly out there but sometimes here too#like yeah with how popular loustat is i knew there would be plenty of bias for the angle that flatters it#but the things ive seen lestat & loustat fans say.... the longing for eye bleach was real#but finally someone is there to underline that hey. that very present very intentional racial and power dynamics are in fact very real.#do in fact influence the characters accordingly. and does not come out of thin air or just 'the circumstances'#it's valid to explore the other side of the coin in louis' character of course. but it doesnt mean that it's not there#mind you. all of that shit louis described? is while insisting he was not 'an abused person'#and its so satisfying to see how someone can pass all the bullshit and have the serenity of heart to recognize that#regardless of everything else. there is a reason why louis felt like lestat was a predator and he was being preyed on#that is because he largely was. lestat *was* a vampire on the hunt. an emotional vampire to boost along with the more literal sense#he might disagree to be doing that on a conscious level and he might have clear reasons to have the instincts he does. he still did that#thank you for also calling bullshit on the reunion scene dialogue and parts of the trial in how it was trying to frame certain things#its the main reason why s2 didnt fully work for me. like jesus christ.#that man literally was part of a ploy to murder their daughter. BE SERIOUS. and im supposed to be mad about armand's involvement??#i also felt so seen when he talked about how dickmatized penis delirious to the point of frustration louis is#there is so much to be grateful for. in highlighting the weight of lestat's involvement vs armand's#in talking about louis' family's side of things. expressing how people for some reason love to call armand a mastermind lying manipulator#when the first culprit of that is the blonde bitch??#honestly the irritation i feel towards many of the fans of this show and the major opinions was such#that i was feeling bad just be seeing iwtv content around and i dont wanna feel like that. i like the show so much.#this was soul clearing in a way. even if. again. i dont fully agree with everything#love how its so clear how so many people try to invoke the books when trying to dissuade him from thinking ill of lestat#because thats exactly my experience too LMAO. talk about a weak limpdick argument#and people who try to invoke unreliable narrator are not much better#and the whole story is made up from the writer's head and nothing matters! see i can do this too
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon
#the paradox of never wanting to be a burden. of becoming someone that doesnt annoy anyone#is that you feel guilt for talking about the pain with others#and so. you falsely but understandably think isolation will be the perfect solution#''if i isolate then im suffering but if no one hears about it no one cares and no one is bothered so i win''#is a fundamentally cruel take. is the thing. and it is so hard to accept that because of the guilt and the feeling that there is no winning#but the thing is when you isolate and suffer people are now both worried about you and feel discarded. feel hopeless. etc.#and i dont think you should do everything for others. and i think when you are making choices for others it is worth being#realistic about what you are deciding for them and knowing when it is irrational#bc the thing is people do care and that does feel uncomfortable#and you do feel guilty for people being ''bothered'' by your suffering#and i understand the instinct to say no! the point of me isolating is so you dont feel bad about me! stop caring!#thinking this is the righteous thing to say to someone when really it is just something that hurts to hear#i'm still learning it too. i'm not perfect at it. i'm chronically suicidal and always going back and forth with myself about all the horrors#two things:#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.#2) the best way to unburden yourself to others is to not kill yourself. to find hope or curiousity or whatever will keep you alive and#grab it fiercely with both hands. to start to be kind to yourself when it's hard and to at least recognize the goodness of others#instead of cruelly dismissing them. i don't think therapy is the only answer or even the best answer. i think too much is too expensive#to suggest anything that isnt something you can do on your own#and it is fucking hard and feels impossible and you'll have a lot of bad moments with it but like. i know you can get to a place where#you're not cured but you're not cruel anymore. and it gets easier from there#ugh none of this will ever get to that guy but i just really wish him the best and ill respect his wishes and not think abt it anymore#but just for the record that does hurt bc i care about people and it sucks when im not allowed to but thats his perogative and#he is his own person and i just really hope things look up for him soon bc hes cool and has nice art
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look what i can do now! should i ever learn to gif it's over for you hoes.
#narrator voice: she will - in fact - never learn to make gifs#[never say never but i also dont have tech stuff patience or mind]#i am satisfied wi this#i am so pleased with myself for discovering this#now i just got to figure out how to do this without it catching my noises#unless people want my liveblogging ... more life#anywho#farryn is lying#farryn and solas#i wish we could have 'persuade' and 'lying' dialogue the way we used to in dao#at least just when playing against solas#it struck me just now but whenever i play with farryn sometimes im like that's a like. ey is lying. this is farryn being a lying liar who#lies right here#but i cant distinguish that#it would have been fun to have rook and solas lie to each other and see if the other could track it you know#insight: farryn laidir#insight: farryn leshy#grapecase plays da4#da4 spoilers#datv spoilers#da4#dragon age#i will say ... i dont like the lauryn hill hair on em#which sucks bc i like the hair.#i dont think it works with eir forhead#anyway jsyk farryn is lying particularly about feeling it being different bc it was eir command#and ofc solas' response is helpful#as varric said. meet solas as a humble person wanting to learn and ...#if anyone is reading this .... im sorry lmao#edit: just realizing how loudly this picks up my allergy noises
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#alex gets personal#i'm just so fucking tired of this#nothing works it never actually gets better it never stops being fucking excruciating work every single day#ive been stringing myself along with empty promises and 'it'll get better'#but it's just. not. getting better#do you know how exhausted i am? because i am not exaggerating or lying when i say that i have been trying not to kill myself since i was#three years old and alone and lonely and hated and disliked and reduced to my mother's puppet#and my father hated from the moment he got informed of my potential existence#and then it just got WORSE#all of it just kept getting worse and worse and it never stopped and i was never not alone and i'm so fucking tired#and did i already mention nothing works anymore#cause you can give me the best fucking pep talk ever and my response will be i dont care i just want it to stop#im just gonna keep distracting myself until i either die or get better#whatever happens first and we all know it won't be getting better so therapy's gonna be fun on wednesday
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dudes ive hit a point with The Horrors:tm: where im unable to convince myself that any of my friends actually like me
#vent#it's like. i think im a pretty solid guy#my negative traits dont define my view of myself etc#i understand that if someone doesnt ike me it doesnt mean im horible etc#but like. i am unable to believe that anyone wants to be around me#even if someone explicitly says they want to talk to me/want to hang out/enjoy my presence#im like hmm. well. sounds fake.#and again it's not like i think im an unlovable piece of shit or something#i just dont think anyone is being honest with me#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me#but im simultaneously excessively sensitive and will be like 'wait do they hate me now' if someone sends like an all lowercase one word tex#because it's like. oh no what if they actually ARE hinting that they dont like me. etc#most of the time when i get 'god shut the fuck up' vibes theres not actually anything wrong#BUT because theres been so many times that i MISSED the 'god shut the fuck up' vibes#i automatically assume everyone is mad at me/doesnt like me/doesnt want t talk.#even trying to say 'usually im wrong about people being mad' is extremely difficult#bc im like. fully convinced ive been right every time#and that everyone has just been lying t me#this has been a thing since like. age 14+ for me#but lately it's gotten worse#and like im scared to even dm a friend a meme because they might be mad (they literally sent me a song rec earlier. i have no reason to#assume theyre mad. except when i got the messages i was like 'oh no what if this has a hidden meaning')#it's one of those things where like. my anxiety medication works really well#but this is the flavor of anxiety thats inspired by past experiences#s even if i try to tell myself there arent any signs that theyre mad/annoyed/whatever#i immediately think 'but ive been wrong before.'#and then that same loop stops me from asking. because asking either annoys people or they lie to me about it#idk idk idk im tired#even if i did ask i wouldnt believe any answer other than 'yes im mad/annoyed/whatever'#including if they add 'i just need to be alone right now' or 'yes but not at you' or 'yes and i need to cool off'
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ik a mention rgg nerfing ttm's features when modelin sawashiro every five minutes but they really had to cause aint no way in hell would a been intimated by this bruv if they didnt
#snap chats#oh im fucked i really put 'a' instead of 'i'. whatever thats how i pronounce it we goin phonetic baby#did ou know i remember abolutely nothing about the ending of drive. i watched it while drinking two soju#DO NOT RECOMMEND by responsible#to totally contradict myself im drinkin nigori i bought . i didnt know alcohol cold frreeze and i accidentally froze it ☠️☠️☠️#iiii ALOMST knocked my cup over ohmy gd#moving on. legality to say soem BULLSHIT noowt ho#anyway n o lsien to me ttm's 38 in this movie and sawashiro's 38 in 2000. probably. i cant do math rn Or Ever point is About Same Age#this IS from drive. great movie. and this is one of his cuter/sillier roles imo so awkward comp but ill still speak#main text got me lying i was out of pocket seeing bro frame 1 anyways but it woulda been a diff vibe this route lsten to me#hes just too cute bro . bye. fymhes an antagonist hes too cte for that <- his filmography prves otherwise#gon try to start an argument with me what you gon do mate kiss me ??? enough.#i like how ttm just has A Vibe to him. Apparently. he always playin awkward mates.... back then anyway..#postman blues did him so dirty bein all 'slender-framed mates are more prone to socipathy' LKE LEAVE HIM ALONNNE#wehhh i wish they mocapped his facial expressions more accuraltey in rgg. and his teeth. his smle still cute to me..#i sound lke my mom when she talks bout lee joongi whenever i talk bout ttm ew lke bye. stop#ok im going bak to playing mincraft now bye#oh my gd when did it become 2AM literally suck my ween
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Sigh I need to rant about certain people and how there is a background noise of discomfort with every interaction after particular incidents that made me go "bitch you live like this???" but all my typical vent spaces are ones where they might see it and the only ones that they wouldn't see it in are like discord channels that are not for this topic of vent or friends who would be uncomfortable with the topic etc like,,, what do I even do? Stew in it?
#catch me very carefully not saying any details about them or the incidents because i dont want them to knowww#i suddenly understand so much better why my dad stays friends with people who are racist/islamophobic to his face#like yeah theyre fun to talk to and they enjoy the same silly shows as me#qnd when were not talking about The Things its easy to forget about The Incidents#but every conversation feels like im hiding part of myself. it feels like if i stop hiding I'll be crucified#theyre fucking scary bro wtf. i didnt know people like that were real that was always abstract fandom drama stuff#and its not THAT scary but also im terrified after only brief glimpses it could be so much worse but if we dont talk about it I'll never#need to know#im like. king of letting go of the incident anf never talking about it but endlessly rotating it and stewing in it and holding a grudge#ummm. ya. fun times 👍#shout out to my brother for letting me talk about it though they're cool as fuck for that#i need more non-white friends who arent online#or at least arent online in the same circles as these people#tbf i need more non-white friends full stop 😭#i need more friends who are freaks also#if i dont go 'theres something wrong with you' at least once a week then theres something wrong#wait that sounds funny lmao#but yeah i need people who are weird and gross and disturbing. not people who are normal with rancid vibes#uhh whatever. I'll get over it <- lying#vent post#if you're wondering if this post is about you it's probably not. probably#sobbing i hate vagueposting it's so mean but what else do i do here#gotta start making people fill out a questionnaire before i allow them so deep into my life istg
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YOU'RE THE MERWAINCELOT 40K ANON FROM THE OTHER YEAR???!!!! 😱😱 take the throne, by all means, it sounds like an absolute whopper of a fic 😍😍😍
I AM!!! AHHHH!!
You got me, I totally am 😝🙈
Look look look. While I am rubbing my hands in excitement and plotting like (a slightly menacing) little gremlin to take the merwaincelot tag with storm, I respect you (and love your fics) far too much to take the throne. I just wanna share it with you! You brought me into the merwaincelot world with just one fic and I already started writing merwaincelot after that, and then when I read even more of your fics (more than once), I was so inspired that it changed some of the ways I had written the pairing and how they interact with each other in such a relationship. I just wanna hang out with you in this tag so baaaaaad c:
When I am telling you, you're not ready for this fic, you don't even know how much you're not ready for this fic. It's got intrigue, it's got mystery, it's got true-to-the-series-episode-like-formula; it's got a magic "foe" that isn't just a villain-sorcerer-of-the-week-because-merlin-needs-to-defeat-some-bad-guys-and-throw-magic-around; it's got soft moments, tender moments, angst and, I kid you not, so much merwaincelot, it could tide you over for a full year
So yes. I am that anon 👻
I did take a screenshot of your answer back then, and your words still help me if I'm feeling a little hopeless about it all. But truly, most of the time, I get by with just writing for me and making myself happy with writing what I want. I'm just excited to share that with the rest of you on this merwaincelot boat when I get to it 💛
#!!! surprise its me!!#hehe thank you for finding me (not that i made it very hard) (i practically wrapped myself up in a bow on your doorstep and rung the bell)#(oh whats this mysterious box on my doorstep that says '40k merwaincelot anon' on the front what could it possibly be??)#(its an 80k merwaincelot fic! now with a username attached!! oh my! what a surprise! who would have guessed!)#(what a twist what a twist)#so now you know whos door to knock on if you wanna check on that fics progress and breathe down my neck#(in a nice 'im just excited about this fic and wanna support you' but also 'im-shaking-you-like-a-snowglobe excited' way)#anyway thank you for your ask it made me very happy and very excited and made me laugh#im just excited and i want others to be excited and you seem excited so im super happy#thank you for dropping by! And asking me about my merwaincelot fic! Thus topic is basically instant dose of dopamine for me#and now i feel like bouncing off the walls so im feeling GREAT!#dragons answer#dragons talk#dragons talk in tags#lit <3 <3 <3#(i would be lying if i said i wasnt looking the most forward to dropkicking a link to this fic in your ask once i post it)#(So look forward to that although I make no promises about when it's gets done)#(You'll see it when you least expect it)
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