#im like. 90% sure lol. but just in case. DONT TELL ME!!!!!!

[cerealmonster15]

where are the guys from strawberry house!! where could they be!! oh well theyll probably be here soon-

the strawberry door right behind them:

[live-laf-lov-fukmyocs]

oof. forgot to tell you guys what i hope happens in s4 (not really but i think it’d be cool) (and maybe i shouldnt share this bc its a fire idea and i dont want anyone to steal it…) (NOBODY STEAL MY EPIC IDEA!!!!!!)

so liek… since mephone isnt around, and test tube was clearly building something in the trailer (i think i don’t remember if there even was a trailer LOL) they like… get off inanimate island ykwim and then they find real object society, AND THEY FUCKING FIND THEIR REAL LIFE COUNTER PARTS. like they were actors or smth that mephone got inspired by…. (cringy dialogue i cam up with yesterday under the cut if u want more or completely did not understand a word of that)

*whole gang is like walking through a city, they just cam from a beach dock or smth idk*

TT: woah…

LB: *lightbulb sees a double of themself and a few other contestants* omga, like mephone made a whole backup city of us just in case? thats some real preparation…

TT: *under her breath* i wish i was this prepared…

*trophy’s walking around and looking at everything, probably getting overwhelmed like everybody else*

“what the hell is this place..? and who are all these losers??—“ *he bumps into the real trophy*

“who the hell are calling a loser, punk?” (or pal or buddy or smth)

*trophy has one of those moments in shows were it like zooms in on his face and his eyes are darting everywhere and he’s getting scared cuz wtf why is there another him right there and like yk wtf?? but like he’s trophy so like he fights back if he’s threatened*

“w-who— what— w-who are you!?” (originally in my head og trophy was supposed to say his name was theodore or smth, yes theodore, it looks like the word trophy in my head)

*the real knife appears from behind the real trophy because of all the commotion, and he raises an eyebrow at mephone’s trophy*

*trophy sees knife, and sees him alive and freezes up mentally— but— but he *just* saw knife right before he left inanimate island—* (now that im thinking about it, if these were just real people mephone copied then knife should be dead here too, but them again mephone made the show and then didn’t go back to watching others, so maybe knife lived, or mephone saw this knife character die and made sure to make that as a plot point in his show, no wait. mephone was not there when that happened… nevermind, knife lived here)

“you’re (still) friends with that sissy!?” (originally real trophy’s response in my head when i made this up was “*married* to the sissy, actually.” and he was going to flash the ring, why tf did my brain deafult to trife??? i. i dont know. i didnt even think i liked trife. fuck you learn something new everyday i guess. but after that he was going to say something like “sissy…?— oh!— vic he’s talking about highschool!” vic being short for victor, being the real knife’s name, but like now that i think about it idk how i got from the first response to the second one, but liek… whatever. im literally editing this and making it up as i go bc the one i came up with randomly yesterday was.. something)

*theodore gives trophy a confused look, taking a glance at knife, a quick one at trophy, and just as quickly back to knife when it clicks in his head* “oh!— vic he’s talking about highschool!” *theodore play punches victor (the real knife) in the shoulder/arm*

“vic…?????” *trophy whispers under his breath in confusion*

“oh— damn!— with that stupid dora photo?— hah! like you were calling me a sis when you were the one taking pictures of everyone and everything—“

*trophy’s eyes dart between the two as they laugh and make stupid jokes about eachother all the while reminiscing about highschool— highschool??? what… what was that?? he had a feeling he knew— but at the same time he was completely lost, and a little scared if he was being completely honest.* (i think part of mephone’s stereotype for trophy was that he was the obvious quarterback popular guys all the girls were all over in highschool, like classic 90’s bully)

“aw im sorry i didnt recognise you man! you went to *insert highschool name*?” *theodore questions, clearly excited to just randomly bump into someone from his good old days*

“I— uhm, y-yeah I—“ *he stumbled and stuttered over his words, he was already freaking out, and him making a fool out of himself like this definitely was not helping— then, almost like it was intentional— fan showed up, rambling and nerding out about something… trophy could finally stop holding his breath— which he didn’t know that he was doing in the first place, but it felt nice to breathe again…*

“oh my stars! (or meeple or whatever tf fan says) trophy look! its another one of you!— i already met my clone— test tube was too scared to interact with hers because of timeline stuff or whatever— light bulb and paintbrush are talking to theirs right now— and—“

*originally, theodore was excited to see fan, thinking it was his (not at the time) friend from highschool— but he got called trophy— and sam (fans full name is fanuel, but i cannot remember for the life of me if thats canon or not, either mephone or fan himself said it) (so sam is short for samuel) wasn’t actually talking to him at all— (if i can find the post that gave me this idea, ill link it right here, but in the real world, referring to someone by their object isn’t normal and is considered derogatory and very rude and or offensive)*

*victor (real knife) was just as confused— and seeing that his friend was just as baffled as he was, he stepped in* “excuse me? who do you think you’re talking to like that?”

(so the original idea that i came up with ended a long time ago, but i came up with new stuff, but ive ran out of ideas and i gotta do homework LOL, so if u enjoyed this plz let me know i will gladly write more….)

[actualbird]

I like your analysis(es?) so much hh, and apparently my brainworm of the day is the NXX crew getting a flowering cactus called Karla, for some reason. It’s a therapy cactus XD. No other thoughts. - Book

thank you, Book!!! and also wait no get back here and tell me more

KARLA!!! KARLA!!! oh i love her already but please understand that i have so many questions and all those questions have accompanying THOUGHTS oh gosh okay let me just hm wordbarf both those things very messily, you know how i do things

what kind of flowering cactus?

there are so many, afterall.

given that vyn is into botany and gardening, i assume he would have a lot of opinions on this.

actually, ive met a lot of botany hobbyists in my life, and the snobbier ones among them actually HATE cacti (and succulents). theyd say stuff like "oh cacti are the in thing with the millenials these days, theyre the plant people get when they dont know anything about plants."

WOULD VYN BE LIKE THAT, LMAO????? he seems like the type to at least THINK IT.

but also deep down i assume vyn is like "a plant is a plant is a plant" bc among the sweeter botany hobbyists ive met, theyve got this notion that "as long as you help it grow strong through the challenges, u did a good job" WHICH....MAKES ME THINK....VYN THINGS....vyn is not going to admit it, he will never admit it, but hm. what a strange plant. shaped to protect itself yet in need of care all the same.....

ANYWAY if anybody is getting a premeditated-bought cactus for the HXX HQ, you bet that vyn will, one way or another, have some kind of say in what the cactus will be. if it isnt premeditated-bought, he'll definitely have many things to say about the cactus' future care

or does the cactus just kind of appear there? is it brought into the NXX HQ in the dead of the night like jesus in the manger? if that's the case, who brought it?

i think it would be artem. or, well, i think it would be FUNNIEST/PATHETIC-EST if it was artem.

let's just say that a non-NXX and non-MC person decides eyyy, artem, got u a gift, it's a cactus! haha, get it! bc ur a prickly unapproachable dude! and artem is like ".........." BUT LIKE IT'S RUDE NOT TO ACCEPT A GIFT EVEN WITH THE BACKHANDED CRITICISM OF HIS GENERAL STATE OF BEING

so he takes the cactus and like leaves it at NXX HQ because if he brings it to his apartment hes going to get vaguely annoyed by the cactus and what it supposedly represents and he'd want to set it on fire

(sidenote: cacti do not burn well, by the way, ive set some on fire for cacti funerals and sigh, you have to put gasoline on them for a good burn)

anyway he brings the cactus there, leaves it vaguely hoping that the air conditioning will like, kill it (cacti live in the desert, right? so cold...bad?) and then somebody else will go "where the fuck did this dead cactus come from, can we throw it away" and then artem can throw it away (ALONG WITH THE REST OF HIS EMOTIONS. artem...GET HELP....)

but that doesnt happen because get fucked, artem wing

who names it Karla?

naming a plant most often comes from somebody who has gotten VERY ATTACHED TO THAT PLANT. i first thought hmmm maybe it's luke, but then i remembered that luke has this HILARIOUS tendency of making comments about eating MANY ORGANISMS HE COMES ACROSS (ssr shape of you, he threatens to cook and eat goose, chara story ep 1, hes very happy at eating the cooked crabs for their crab crimes, sr aquarium date forgot the name, hes like let's eat seafood SURROUNDED BY HAPPY ALIVE FISH, luke....what the fuck?) so maybe it's not luke and that leaves...

marius von hagen getting attached to a cactus and naming it is SO FUNNY TO ME but also makes me soft. hes the first one who sees the cactus in HQ and is like "who the fuck left this here?" //big data lab googling what it is. "well good thing it's fine with cold temps wouldve died if not, you cant just leave a thing in a place...with no warning....with no help...thats tough....huh, thats tough, isnt it, cactus?"

am i saying that marius von hagen gets attached to the cactus because it vaguely reminds him of his own life story of being pushed into very stressful circumstances and essentially left to fend for himself? yeah. yeah. because im deranged

"the cactus' name is karla," marius says at the next meeting, spraying the cactus with a mist bottle. "be nice to her or else im biting you."

who declares it a "therapy cactus"? aka who realizes that literally EVERYBODY else on the team is, one way or another, projecting themselves and/or their desires onto the PLANT???

luke. luke does. luke has the habit of dissociating and spiraling at any given moment when he encounters anything even ADJACENTLY related to what hes going through (again, sr aquarium date, luke u were just looking at the jellyfish, WHY R U GETTING DEPRESSED PHILOSOPHICAL OVER LIFESPANS???? SIR, GET HELP.....), so like lol he can clock that shit in from a mile away because hes the worst offender of that too

he doesnt bring it up of course. i mean, im sure he thinks about it because it's just the right kind of shithead move to pull just in case the others try to push him around again but mc gets mad at him when he goes agent scary at the rest of the boys so okaaayyyy he'll retaliate against getting dunked on in a more...civil way. so he doesnt bring it up. he also doesnt bring it up because...

well, if it makes them happy, then it makes him happy. thats all that matters to him

"keep making them all happy, yeah?" luke absentmindedly says to the cactus one day. "i heard you guys can live for a hundred years."

the cactus, of course, does not reply.

mc gets very into taking care of karla. pls expect many conversations where the boys are talking about the "cactus" (theyre talking about themselves) and mc is just like "okay im 90% sure this is a metaphor, you guys aint slick, but i like this cactus very much and thats true whether it's a metaphor or not."

all the boys: //PLEADING EMOJI WITH HEARTS

thanks for making me go insane over a cactus, Book. it's 8am here.

[bisexualhobi]

(Im not a company stan big hit can suck my ass)

1. Txt is not an aspect of bts? They are another group with a completely different identity. They are talented enough to match bts thats why armys love them and stan them. You are insulting them (and other groups) by saying that they are just another money making machine for bighit as a replacement for bangtan??

2. Idols hate bts lol everyone knows they do. They are from the biggest most prestigious companys yet they are huge flops compared to bts and that alone is enough for them to hate bts.. ik u are not asian but its a huge thing in asia, like if u work in a rich/huge company or are from a rich family u are so much superior to everyone else and then if someone without a strong background becomes more successful than them, the rich ones automatically hate them (if this sounds like the plot of a kdrama its because. Well. Kdramas are asian dramas and are based on real life)

3. Liking bts doesnt make one superior but liking continuously problematic groups does make one inferior and this is the main reason of twt fanwars because 90% of twt armys come from non western cultures and are deeply affected on so many levels by all the shit these groups and companys pull out every single month 👁👄👁 (dont say its just companys fault lol you know that nct member said lets not talk about this topic and its not just one example) ps: dont pull out the bts rapline were also problematic card bc they apologised for it and havent done it again

ok i’m gonna address point by point what you mentioned here. btw i’m assuming you’re different from the last anon i answered regarding “bts isn’t kpop” but if you are the same anon sorry for repeating stuff

1. i didn’t say txt is an “aspect” of bts. i mentioned them because what they are is the second bg big hit has created from scratch and the immediate successors of bts, a company that, until txt, had NOTHING but bts going for them. and even though txt is already becoming successful, the fact is that, just eyeballing it, bts brings in about 90 to 95% of big hit’s total revenue. big hit has a challenge regarding what they will do to cement themselves as a company beyond bts, and txt is the first step in that direction. when i say cash cow i mean a secondary source of income. my intention was not to disrespect txt at all, which i made clear in that textpost!! i don’t even stan txt and i’ve kept saying that they were far better than bts on the end of the year performances!!! i said, and i quote “txt ate them up because txt is a new group (that has a lot of passion and are hardworking ofc, this isn’t attacking them personally)” 

just a little caveat though, an idol group is always a money making machine for a company... like. it’s important to me that you know that. like, i hope you know that big hit isn’t looking to make groups saying “oh boy, i hope they flop! i hope they’re happy doing what they like and i will never care about the utilities :)” idol companies are literally some of the most money hungry industries because they often operate at a loss. don’t for a second think that bts and txt and any group is more than an asset for the company, whose sole purpose is to make money.

2. idols hate bts?? listen, in the entertainment industry there’s always gonna be drama and backstabbing, so i’m sure there’s animosity between many groups, i’m not naive enough to say that no one hates bts, the same way i’m sure there are plenty of idols who hate exo, who hate red velvet, who hate x or y. but the way you say this is such a delusional, paranoid way to put it. afaik, the last celeb/musician to trash talk bts publicly was befree or whatever tf his name was, that asshole rapper who mocked namjoon and yoongi and called them sellouts for joining an idol group. and that guy is a fucking failure! i think he even went to jail, didn’t he? so please, tell me who these other idols hating bts are, and where are the receipts so i can blacklist them. 

“huge flops” lmao good way to put all the other groups’ efforts down. stop thinking bts’ accomplishments are your own. they’re not. you have no idea the amount of effort each idol group, small or big, puts in just to be able to debut, so stop disrespecting THEM by calling them all flops. i know i’m not korean, i’m not asian, but i have korean friends and according to them all these groups who are supposedly “flops” are doing well in korea. just because they don’t have international success doesn’t mean they’re not commercially acclaimed in their own country. not everyone is out to get bts, i promise you. do you know who’s out to get bts? their akgaes. their sasaengs, and their antis, all those people online who send jimin death threats, who break into their property, who take pictures of their families. THOSE people hate bts and do more harm to them than an idol who says they didn’t like their new album or who said they don’t dance well. like please let go of the victim complex for one minute.

3. one part of stan culture i fucking despise with my whole being is fanwars using cultural appropriation and racism as “gotcha” cards. this is a clear example of this. first you say it’s inferior to like groups who have participated in ca. alright. i will give you that. the you turn and say bts hasn’t done that and that groups such an nct who have done it recently are to blame personally, it’s not just the company’s mismanagement. okay! so by your logic, being a bts stan is superior because even though they HAVE done problematic things, they apologized. it’s really transparent how you pick and choose what is an acceptable apology and what isn’t based on your personal feelings about the group in question.

i just need to know if you are black or if you are muslim or from a minority that has been hurt by cultural appropriation, if you are then you will know that when an idol group apologizes for doing such things, it is no one’s place but their own to decide whether to accept that apology or not. i am not black, or asian, i am a latin woman who can’t tell you whether it’s okay for bts to do the things they have done. you are contradicting yourself by saying other groups who’ve done cultural appropriation are worse, and then turn around and say to me “dont pull out the bts rapline were also problematic card bc they apologised for it and havent done it again” because guess what? not everyone has forgiven bts either! they have said the n word! they have done native american culture appropriation as recently as december 2020 and neither them nor big hit apologized for that! yoongi releasing the mixtape with that jim jones sample in it was NEVER addressed by him. it was a company statement. so who are you to say that the people still hurt by yoongi’s actions, whether intentional or not, can’t talk about it and be mad at them? IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. 

i am not here to pass moral judgement, that’s why i don’t bring up ca in arguments. it is not my place to say whether what nct did with the muslim aesthetic should be forgiven, the same way it’s not my place to tell people who like nct that they are “worse” for liking them. people who reduce their stanning to how many “woke points” you get based on the artists you like clearly don’t care about activism in real life, they just care about it online for fanwars. to feel better about themselves for liking “unproblematic kings” and well i have news for you, NO CELEBRITY IS UNPROBLEMATIC. bts has learned from their mistakes, but they will continue to make mistakes every once in a while, case in point, the jim jones thing and the native american teepees appropriation. 

[transrightsjimin]

ariana's fans hate bts hdjfjfjfj also let's not forget that almost every fandom and journalist is looking for an excuse to discredit them. i don't mind the collab as a single i honestly don't care, to this is what boys want then sure, but if they were to feature ari on the album people would just claim that she is the sole reason it did numbers. I saw people saying that mots7 is selling so well thanks to sia when most of the fandom hates her version.. they just hate seeing bts achieve anything

ohh i didnt know that but im not surprised. i mainly see fans of both post / tweet abt wanting to see a collab between the two nd make wild theories to prove so thats what my post responded to. i get that itd be nice for them, esp since jungkook is such a big fan of hers, but im not the fondest of various artists they like or have collabed w due to their racism / misogyny (the chainsmokers in the case of both) / being a predator (halsey who had a thing for years for kissing minors on the mouth at meet & greets and a concert nd joking abt going to jail for it) or ppl who side w multiple predators (e.g. nicki minaj), not to mention the countless of cloutchasers who have tried to, and sometimes did get involved in production or collabs (counting the chainsmokers in that too, just like now w the jason derulo mess and also melanie fontana before, who claimed a song she barely added anything to as ‘her’ hit). and then theres ofc Lauv who queerbaits during his whole career lmfao

urgh ppl said that abt the Sia collab? yeah that does indeed not add up. i personally find that version of ON hilarious, and i do wish the version had turned out differently as she’s an amazing singer but that ver was rly underwhelming. but yeah to say it was successful bc of her while it was an extra song that isnt even on all kinds of releases of the album nd has found poor reception in the fandom, makes no sense. the fandom has been steadily growing over the years and become more and more well-organized in streaming, plus bts has already accomplished so much in the past w songs that didnt have major Western producers or singers attached to it.

it’s rly telling that before bts performed at big american music award shows or got picked up by the gp in the US, things like an mv w effort put into it, boy bands, and music award show viewers were considered less of the time and irrelevant, nd after, suddenly others (cough cough Simon Powell, SM ent) tried to make a group that would supposedly compete w bts in popularity, suddenly performances at music awards became more elaborate and attendance became more important, nd that some of the bigger artists bts had collabed w, hadnt reached a no.1 song under AFTER their collab.

like i hate to repeat the ‘the blueprint‘ meme but there truly has been a shift in how western music industries approach releasing and promoting music since it got to hear abt bts, and bangtan’s fandom has grown a lot over the years while the group made steady growth in their recognition. so to see ppl claim a collab is only successful bc of another artist involved, only shows wilful ignorance of the group’s history and their impact. also the ‘on ft sia is popular bc of the collab‘ argument makes no sense bc armys didnt receive the song well and the general public didnt get exposed to it much due to no promotion by fans, nor by radio which largely ignored mots7.

sorry for going on a tangent there, my thoughts are always going 100km/h, but as a final note, i do want to add that i dont think all collabs have been bad! the western cloutchasers / racists / predators / otherwise shitty ppl who have collabed w bangtan, have generally contributed not much to the song or even made demos that were a challenge for bts and other in-house producers to try to fix and try to make interesting and pleasant (e.g. melanie fontana w lyrics that had to be scrapped nd changed for 90%, also ed sheeran w make it right was discussed as a song that was only made interesting bc of bts’s changes to it and vocals).

i rly enjoyed Namjoons past collab w Wale on Change, MNEK who produced Paradise nd seems genuine in how he discusses the group, of course JUICEWRLD (r.i.p.) who did an amaaazing collab for a freaking OST for their mobile game??, ofc Steve Aoki who theyve worked w on various songs nd has mentioned nd defended the group well in interviews, MAX who collabed for a mixtape song nd included Yoongi in his own album nd had very fun interactiond for years. and then of course there are many others such as the Korean artists who get overlooked a lot in these discussions!! i especially love winter flower by Younha and Namjoon, and NiiHWa singing on yoongi’s mixtape song 28. i def think that those only seeking fame instead of creativity, audibly do not add much to their songs as cloutchasers and white westerners who are used to making hits by lifting a finger (or payola lol) dont put much effort into their work.

like, it just baffles me that ppl r hyping up a supposed collab w ariana grande based on vague theories, while there are also people like Rina Sawayama who we (and she, and bts!!) have been hoping to see work together w bts for years! like collabs are what i find the least interesting in future music, partially bc it’s all american interviewers want to ask bts abt, but if there is one, pls just let it be a genuine person, whos in it for the music and doesnt show repeated shitty behaviour.

OK rant is over, sorry it got so long!! i just never know when to stop writing gdhfjh

[familyagrestefanblog]

Peacock miraculous theory

Alright yall, the current state of the peacock miraculous, Mayura in general, Emilies coma and the damage it does/did to Natalie and Emilie has been wracking my brain FOR MONTHS but I think I’ve got something now

So buckel up folks, this is gonna get longer. Here we go

Lets start with the obvious question everybody had (and immediately dismissed as a mistake) in “Mayura”. Why did the miraculous look different and what does it mean

There is alot to unpack here, so first things first.

Simplified answer: in the first picture Duusu is IN the miraculous and in the lower she’s OUT of it.

“But how can Duusu be IN the miraculous, nobody is wearing it!” I hear you asking and of course I’ll explain. What I believe is that the way we saw the peacock in “Mayura” came to be because Duusu was renounced, meaning she was put into the miraculous without anyone wearing it to conceal her or something like that. This already happened before, first time when Marinette and Adrien opened their miraculous boxes

Plagg and Tikki are already in their Miraculous and power them up and only come out to face their new holders. Also nice little touch, the ring starts glowing first because Plaggs a hungry little shit with no patience to get cheese lol

But the second time this happened is the one I wanna focus on. In “the Collector” when Gabriel detransformed to akumatize himself.

These are the two forms of the butterfly (or any miraculous for that matter) that we know of but when Hawkmoth detransformed back into Gabriel to become the Collector, Gabriel did something interestin. He renounced Nooroo. Then this happened

The miraculous turned back into its “active form” even though Gabriel wasnt wearing it and stayed that way when he put it away.

Meaning yes, the peacock miraculous we saw in “Mayura”makes perfect sense when Duusu was simply renounced.

Next.

I dont have a smooth transition for thisbut stay with me, I need to explain this first. Why does Mayura/Natalie look so different from the other holders and the way Duusu and the miraculous damage her (and Emilie)

As everyone hopefully noticed by now, Mayuras design looks very different from the other miraculous holder. Everybody (including ancient holders) looks like they are “wearing” their powers (suiting up) but Mayura looks like she’s possessing the power, the way the akuma victims do. No I#m not about to tell you that mayura is akumatized, what I’m saying is that Natalie absorbes Duusu as Mayura.

Okay please hear me out

A while ago someone from the ml crew leaked official concept arts and included was Mayuras

as you can see, even though Mayura is tranformed here she’s oddly still wearing the “inactive form”. The miraculous doesn’t fit to the color scheme the way every other does and it has 9 feathers instead of the normal number 5 that is also present in every other miraculous (because of the timer). So yeah, its the normal form.

So what I believe is that since the peacock miraculous is broken, it cant absord Duusu anymore while transforming the holder. Its “leaking” as to say. It can hold Duusu when shes being renounced (as seen in “Mayura”) but once a holder is involved? The power/Duusu go straight through the miraculous right into the person.

Which is why the person using the miraculous becomes so incredibly sick andeven falls into a coma. A human being is not meant to absorb the power of a Kwami. As Astruc said himself Kwamis are GODS, humans needed the jewlery to be able to “use” the Kwamis because they are just THAT powerful (flashback to Plaggs little Cataclysm in “Style Queen” that fucking BROKE 90% of Paris or him being the reason the dinosaurs went extinct)

So we have an explaination for what happened and is currently happening to Emilie and Natalie but thats not everything I have for this point! I also believe that Duusu herself somehow got sick. For this I dont have alot to work with (because of the little screentime Mayura and her miraculous had up until now and 0 scene AT ALL for Duusu herself) but what we have leaves me a bit perplex, starting with Duusus design.

Duusu is the ONLY Kwami whose colors do not fit to the real life animal. Look t this and see what i mean

THIS is not how a peacock looks like, where th is the pink coming from? If Duusu were accurate like every other Kwami (purple butterflies exist, so even Nooroo is accurate even though purple isnt the first color that comes into your mind when you think of butterflies. Its close in my case tho) she would be green instead of pink! But you know what? The green is actually there, let m show you something

In negative Duusus peacock green is there, which lets me believe that Duusu turned pink because shes sick (keep in mind that the show often works with negative/opposite colors, Queen Bee and Antibug for example). Beside that I also find curious how much they focus on Duusus emotional outbursts here in her introduction picture. No other kwami has THIS emotional range, not even Plagg comes anywhere close to this and hes the most “out there” Kwami we know!

Alright, whats next?

Ah!

Why was Duusu only renounced in “Mayura”? What are her powers and how can Mayura use them?

Last one promise!

From what we have seen in “Mayura” the peacock is simular to the butterfly in terms of the “akumatizing and communication” stick but both of their powers are not the same! The big difference is that the butterfly adds power to a persons emotional energy which posseses them and the peacock takes the emotional energy an dcreates a ptotector out of it. Both use the energy of a person but only Mayuras power is actually really channeling them. When Mayura rescued Hawkmoth in “Heros day”, he collapsed when Mayura channeled his energy but Im pretty sure thats because the peacock is damaged. If it were normal I believe it would give the person the power to control the protector. Probably also alot more but thats everything Im getting out of the one scene we had with her but I think her powers will be very energy based in general. In the concept art is a picture of Mayura attacking with somesort of energy blast and thats there for a reason for sure!

Where I’m getting here with the whole energie thing is that I believe Duusu on her own can channel a persons energy to protect/preserve and maybe even heal a person. Peacocks are (beside other things) known for Spirituality, Awakening, Immortality, refinement and incorruptibility. So Duuse being able to channel a persons energy is possible, its like Plaggs ability to destroy everything on his own.

Okay I think we all know where Im getting here, so Ill just say it.I believe Duusu was only renounced in “Mayura” even though shes sick/damaged because normally shes trying to/being used to keep Emilies comatose body alive. Of course she isnt doing this 24/7, she cant because shes damaged which also expalines why Emilie is not getting better but worse. Duusu and her powers are aick and damaged, they are probably only able to keep her alive for a little longer before they cant stop time anymore.

This is also supported by the last scene in “Gorizilla”. Remeber this?

We dont see Emilie or anything in close up here, but what we can do, is hearing! Remeber the ticking noises that sounded just like the miraculous timer? Again in the concept we also see this

It seems like the miraculous in their normal form can use some kind of powers too and once again, just like the “activated” timer, something is dissapearing from the miraculous. So maybe gabriel is making Duusu useing her powers to help Emilie and the ticking noise we heard was the efect it has on the miraculous like seen above. It stands in question why Duusu would need the miraculous for useing her powers but its likely because its damaged and Astruc once comfirmed that Kwamis need the miraculous jewleries to interact with humans. So since both she and the miraculous are damaged, she needs to use her powers through the miraculous to be able to help. But thats just one possible way, I need more context for this detail.

Alright u guys, THATS IT

[captnstan]

sooooo i just watched Endgame and.... yikes yikes yikes, what the fuck was that, spoilers and messy rant under the read more!!! it’s also anti-tony, just in case!

so first of all the movie was way too fucking long, like only the last 45 minutes are interesting, the first two hours feel like they are padding run time, which of course they have to do since they want to make a movie in two parts to get that cash money, because im sure that disney is really struggling to get money lol!

so that movie was almost 3 hours and ob-vious-ly about 1:45 was dedicated to rdj, his lines, or seeing him, and goddamn i hate his goddamn face, i dont want to ever see him again, at first hes like this is your fault steve! we should have done what i did in the first place, so ultron then, which if i remember correctly didnt go so well, then 5 years later dude’s got a kid, of course, and hes like noooooooooooooo i dont want to help im fine now then boom he’s the hero that’s gonna pull everyone together, while thor has become like not even a shadow of himself? i didnt even recognize him ,mentally not physically, even though that was v v v v strange to see him like, so out of character, defeated and everything, thats not the thor i know 

also what the hell happened to banner, it was so weird seeing the hulk interact like that it felt so cartoonish??

natasha’s death was so funny to me, like she really dies like a dog, completely forgotten while tony has the huuuuge funeral, and he gets to be THE HERO, because of course he has to be, he’s a martyr he saved the planet on his own and why not just make like a huge statue of him and worhsip him every sunday while were at it? but SHE doesnt deserve shit apparently, just a few lines in passing, despite the fact that without her none of this would have happened it felt like a repeat of gamora’s death, like the sexism, as always is, off the charts, oh btw why did she sacrifice herself? for clint? the whitest piece of bread in existence? really? i have to laugh, i love seeing ladies dying for the sake of that one bland ass potatoe sack looking dude, love it! (can you feel the sarcasm?)

so the only good scenes in all of this garbage was when they all come together at the end, when they slowly appear and steve is standing on his own ready to battle by himself, that was amazing, and when he uses Mjolnir that was dope and i got chill (although i can understand if thor’s stans didn’t like it, i get it 100% but i’m a steve stan first so i loved it), wanda’s fight scene was cool too but waaaay too short

so let’s talk about the NAIL in the coffin goddamnit, steve coming back old af and that hetero ass bullshit ending, listen i don’t understand why it was sam that came to see steve at the end? and not bucky? i just don’t fucking get it? like listen sam is a cool guy and i like the character, but we’ve had close to zero scene with bucky despite their like 90 years of shared experience? like what the fuck? they shared so much and we don’t even get an ending to their relationship, also soooo he cares more about peggy , who he spent like what, months? together when they were young? but his childhood best friend he doesn’t even say goodbye to? the guy who was brainwashed for 70 years and got his memory back by seeing steve? give me a fucking break

they just pissed on everything that made steve a good character and just gave him like motivating speeches and lines and thats it, jesus what happened to my little guy from brooklyn who wanted to fight nazis because it was the right thing to do?

he doesn’t even get to die as a hero, he dies as a fucking old ass dude, i guess only iron man get a triumphant ending right! 

honestly again all of this was fucked up because of the russos and everyone at marvel is constantly humping rdj’s leg, it leads to bad fucking writing, and zero resolution and im disgusted

also i wanted to see valkyrie ( i gasped when she appeared on the horse, i loved it so much), T’challa and Shuri in action and they both have what 34 second of screentime? and not even a speaking line for Shuri, or anyone else really, like goddamn there was so much fucking tony in that movie there was no time for anyone else I guess!

also the time travel thing , i hate that trope so already it wasnt gonna work for me, but it was confusing and badly done, like are you telling me that when steve came back in time he was letting bucky get tortured and brainwashed for 70 years? like i get that the russos aint that smart to think about it but like, they should!

and where the hell is loki? he just bailed? the fuck?, and the entire movie was written with the ass anyways, and every joke landed flat, and god nothing was right with that movie, nothing, execpt the scene i mentionned above and that lasted like 3 minutes into such a long ass movie

oh also, that was hilarious how we find clint in japan, killing asian people because of his angst, loooooved it, amazing how marvel only hires asian to get them killed by the white man, with their own weapon too!, but i guess theyre not racist since they have mantis, who’s asian! but wait she has to be colored in paint, no one can knooow she’s asian, like ... fuck off marvel, fuck off!

so here’s the movies that i consider canon: captain america 1 & 2, black panther,the thor movies, and i guess the first avenger? but thats it lol, the rest i dont care about

in conclusion: a big fat yikes! and i kinda want to throw up now, and the russos can choke :)

[killerqueenjoy]

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

eh

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

no

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

[tumblunni]

Some other neat people i met on my wild search for a shop that sold pokemon!

A bunch of like thirty super patriotic Welsh muslims all decked out in football gear and holding a massive "48" balloon celebrating some sort of football anniversary i know nothing about cos I Suck At Sports. I just found it a nice experience cos i always hate bullshit "patriotic" people who think that being patriitic means hating other races and religions, and that a muslim can't have been born in wales or that someone who immigrated here cant possibly be an equally good citizen and love the country as much as you do. I'd damm say that this bunch loves the country more than you do,cos i am 100% SURE they don't actually sell hijabs, burqas and other traditional religious wear in football team colours and the full welsh flag! Seriously holy hell it must have taken so much work to customize all those outfits, they looked SO AMAZING! Also while i'm at it, fuck anyone who says women are somehow lesser football fans. Seriously there was a middle aged lady in an entire flag burqa and a scarf on top of that! (Actually maybe the 48 balloon was for her birthday?)

Nice hedgehog forest man! A dude informing people about saving the forests, and how to donate to the Woodland Trust in order to do so. He had a little plushie hedgehog and a cowboy hat?? And oddly enough he looked EXACTLY like the colourscheme for the american portagonist option in the new pokemon game. Like i was all "wow that's kind of a cartoony blonde, it looks like their hair is painted on" and then there's this dude who actually had such a bright bleached blonde and also THE BRIGHTEST blue eyes i have ever fuckin seen. Real huge anime ones too! Like man i'm asexual but i can still admire when a guy looks like a catwalk model even if i dont wanna bang him, lol. Oddly beautacious forest man, i hope you have luck in your forestly adventures! He was really like Kukui, he was a nice dadly figure of steange modelness and he was just so excited and passionate telling me about all this science research into trees and animals. There's been a 90% decrease in british hedgehog populations ij the last decade! And one of their recent projects is actually cuttibg down trees, because the famous 'bluebell forest' is actually losing its flowers due to invasive species of non-local trees sprouting in the area because of careless farming nearby. So their job is to take down all those trees and make sure to find all the roots and seeds so they dont come back, then replant more flowers and different saplings that work more in harmony with the flowers without growing too big too fast. Its really fascinating, i didnt know situations like that even happened! It was a really nice chat and im passionate to try and donate to this charity someday when my finances are more secure.

The cardiff christmas market!! It gets earlier and earlier each year!! Man i hope all the same shops are still here next month when i acrually have the money for it. Its like a big local crafts celebration, the sort of thing thay was common in the old days before we got stuck only selling stuff on etsy lol. Loads of amazing hand knitted/woven/drawn/carved/potteried/blacksmithed/whatever the verb is for making cool shit out of glass on a big furnace pipe thingie in the actual store while everyone watches and applauds. And all the store owners seemed SO NICE and answered my questions about their cool craftingness and im so excited to come back and buy all the stuff i liked if its still here next time. Or to discover even more new stuff if it isnt!

The nice people at the bank who helped me out when i realized i left my card at home and itd be a three hour bus journey to go back and get it and by then all the potential pokemonnery shops would be shut. I had NO IDEA that ypu could do bluetooth phone connection stuff with the app in any barclays store and withdraw money without a card! Holy shit technology just keeps creepin up on me lol! Its a shame tho that you can only withdraw in multiples of ten so it was a little awkward getting the exact change necessary for the pokemons. Thats why i went to the dumb lil restaurant afterwards, tho it probably would have been smarter to go to a supermarket and buy like three cheaper more bland meals instead of one restauranty one. But it was fun! And groceries arent a huge issue right now cos i have that pasta sauce stocked up and some bread and milk and stuff.

Oh and a poor security guard who was having a really tough day! I was in the library up on the top floor and i looked down the stairs to see the guard on the bottom floor all curled up in one of the kids's reading chairs, asleep! Poor dude yo, i hope he's feeling better now. I talked to the other guard who was sitting with him and asked if he was okay, and yeah he was just having a damn long shift and needed to catch some rest while he had the chance. Couldbt even actually sleep tho, he was just resting his eyes and having his buddy watch out in case the boss yelled at him. Seriously i wish i could freeze time and give you the proper sleeping schedule you need, dude!

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[copperbadge]

banesidhe replied to your post “Dear Mr. Badge”

Self, do not buy Sam an echo. Dont do it. Sam can pick his own smarthome stuff. ( i have a bunch and its soooo nice. I tell echo im home and it turns on certsin lights, turns off others, etc.

LOL! Oddly enough I don’t really want an Echo or any of the other smartpucks. I have a certain antipathy to the way they (and programs like Siri) operate; they do a good job hooking into smart items in your home and letting you operate them by voice, but a lot of their intended function is to do your research for you, and they’re not good at it, which gives me chills because in some cases it’s training people to accept the first answer they’re given and look no further (though I trust my readership to be more curious and broad-ranging than that!). 

Most of the time it’s not really egregious, people are asking for song lyrics or bus times or whatnot. But as someone who researches for a living it pings something tender deep in my soul :D I already have a sincere mistrust of search engines; I won’t even use some of the platforms we have to search our work database because I don’t trust that they’re returning true results. So for me, my parents have whatever the Google smartpuck is, and it’s fun to ask it to tell jokes or turn on the lights -- and they use it to adjust the temperature since the thermostat is now behind a piece of furniture. But for me, it’s too much to pay for something I would actively avoid using for most of its intended functions :D 

mysweetetc replied to your post “I’m working from home today”

I'm sure you know this, but moving is ALWAYS a traumatic life event, even when it's for a good/happy reason. Hope the sadness passes soon!

It’s true, I had forgotten that it’s one of the items on those “measure your level of life stress/depression” checklists! I should do one of those, it would probably offer some perspective. 

shinyblackbird replied to your post “mooseman13579 replied to your photo”

Speaking as a smol angry mom friend, it’s totally understandable that you missed it, she’s been furiously trying to project super tall supermodel since, like, the late 90s, and you’re just big-hearted enough to see her as she wants to be seen :D

LOL! It’s true. I see the real stool, the stool inside! 

shirokou replied to your post “jonlybonlyfromboldlygo replied to your post”

I STILL TRY TO USE THE CABLE BOX FOR TIME BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE A CLOCK ANYMORE.

You need to get a little digital clock and put it on top of it! 

[irene-sadler]

illustravox jr. disassembly (pt. 1)

Introductory commments:

I bought this 2 days ago for $52 in a junk store in Charlotte, North Carolina. When I first saw it I guessed it was from the late 40s or ealy 1950s but it turned out after some digging that it was made in 1934 by the Electro-Acoustic Products Company in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and then distributed by Jam Handy Picture Service out of Detroit Michigan (more on Jam Handy later, man is a interesting motherfucker and I want to lecture the void about him while I try and fix his equipment.)

there seems to be no service manuals for this thing anywhere on the internet, but doesn’t mean they dont exist out there somewhere in the real world. If anyone just happens to have one DM me lol.

A n y w a y

First off I really dont know if this thing works or not, I didn’t even try to fire it up (I actually don’t have a power cable for it anyway, but the state of some of the wiring is worrying enough that I decided it was safer to take everything apart and clean/check over all of it first.)

Good thing: given that this is an 87 year old piece of sound/video equipment its in surprisingly good shape. I suspect that its been stored in a climate controlled location for most of its life b/c it is a little dirty and battered but the metal parts show almost no rust given that I live in the dank southeastern United States. None of the glass parts are broken and from what I can tell it isn’t missing any pieces.

Disassembly part 1:

The unit has 3 main parts: the projector which sits in a little door in front (1), the record player which is on top (2), and the speaker which ofc is a very old school tube amp (3). I started pulling this apart with the projector (b/c it was in the way of the other stuff)

Tools needed for this part of the process: a medium-small size flathead screwdriver, 11/32 box wrench.

Recommendation: stick the screws and washers inside folded pieces of masking tape and write where they go on the outside so they dont get mixed together or lost. A small flashlight also handy to see what ur doing on the inside. Also search around inside the wires and the bottom of the case for cool stuff that might be in there (see end of post.)

The projector is just held on with 2 screws. It sits on the front door in a little holder. The projector bulb which is held by that round thing u can see under the mirror (to get it off u need that wrench). is powered by literally plugging it into the rest of the unit like u plug in a toaster to a wall socket (pic of this coming up). The glass lenses inside are magically not broken and seem to just need cleaning :)

(That square thing on the table is a protective cover for the top of the projector, it just sits on over the mirror.) The record player is actually designed so you can pull the turntable off without tools and then put it inside that slot in the body. This does not appear to have any catches or locks, u just (very carefully) pull it straight up and off the spindle. What you can see here is the top of the motor that turns it. That long thing adjusts the speed of something (maybe the turntable itself? Unclear.) u can also see a toggle switch just next to the serial number plaque which u can use to set the unit to run on AC or DC power (terrifying, glad I did not try to plug in yet.) (That far toggle out past the volume dial turns the projector on and off) This is all I did with the record player so far. The motor is inside and underneath and I wanted to look for some documentation about it before I yanked it out of there.

The speaker system

Viewed through the front door, where the projector usually sits. U can see on the right side there is a (legible) circuit drawing. Beyond it is the speaker unit. That plug is for the projector bulb and above it is the literal wall socket where u plug it into the power. Behind that is a lot of stuff (the long black things might could be gigantic resistors or something? Bizarre) and above it is the record player motor.

Closer view of a mystery object. It looks like there should be 3 of whatever those are, but only one is left. I tried to pull it out but its stuck pretty good and I dont want to break the glass so just left it for now.

Back side, where the vacuum tubes for the speaker amp are. There’s three of them and to take them out u just gently lift them up. That one on the front left has a tiny little clamp on top which u can just unscrew with ur fingers.

Close up of one of them. I have never dealt with these things before but I’m not convinced they won’t still work; theyre pretty dirty but not obviously broken. I (very carefully) wrapped them in paper towels to protect the glass and stashed them in a tupperware for later. I also did this with the bulb for the projector, which I am not as sure will also still work but never know.

This is the circuit diagram that is inside the case. I kind of had to photoshop it together because it’s hard to take a cell phone pic of something that is 4 inches away in a dark box. (This is how I finally figured out what year its from.) I have never seen anything like it but on the other hand it is not very complicated wiring.

Random ass things I found stuck inside the wooden case:

A random needle for the phonograph. It was pretty rusty and also like a solid half inch long. I stashed it in some tape for later (im not gonna use it probably, I dont want my own records to get carved up by a 90 year old piece of steel. Might make it easier to find a new replacement tho.)

This is a cap for a roll of film, very cool and the reason I realized that this thing was not in fact from the 1950s. It was just jammed way down inside the slot for the record player.

Also, a broken piece of metal which turns out came from the projector (more on that later), a small as yet unidentified metal object, some v old spiderwebs.

Next time: I pull the projector apart and clean the glass n make a fun discovery re: that metal part.

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[nezumionice]

HI I JUST GOT BACK FROM A STAR WARS EVENT AND IM ALREADY EXTRA EMOTIONAL BUT I WENT ON INSTAGRAM AND I SAW THIS

MY BRAIN CANT EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY OKAY THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS THAT CAREERED THROUGH MY MIND AS I WAS SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC: (BEWARE OF LONG, INSANELY MESSY RANT POST UNDER THE CUT. AGAIN. FORGIVE ME. I AM VERY VERY TIRED. it’s been a long day.)

- i took quite a while trying to find tina because i couldn’t spot her iconic hairstyle and then i finally found her and i was like oh my GOD she looks like hope van dyne from ant man with those bangs but SHE LOOKS SO ADORABLE ANYWAYS OHMY TGWFHDGASJDHOW

- whY IS IT SO DARK LIkE EVERYONE IS IN DARk CLOTHES EVEN QUEENIE AND THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

- newt looks exactly the same as when we last saw him and i love it

- okay guys seriously can we appreciate tina and queenie wearing BLACK

- queenie’s hair is the bomb.com

- LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GETTING LETA X THESEUS AFTER ALL FOLKS

- IT TOOK ME A FULL MINUTE TO FIND CREDENCE IN THE CROWD BECAUSE DAMN BOI HE LOOKIN GUD

- again, holy shit THE THEME COLOURS OF THIS MOVIE IS KILLING ME I LOVE IT SO DAMN MUCH ASDFGHJKL

- who the fuck is beside credence and half hugging him because i feel like im going to end up shipping them really hard by the end of the movie

- I LOVE HOW EVERYONE IS ARRANGED HERE IT’S PRESUMABLE ACCORDING TO LOVE INTERESTS BECAUSE JAKWEENIE, (HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM SO EXCITED FOR) NEWTINA, AND THE WAY LETA AND THESEUS ARE POSITIONED LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE PRETTY CLOSE

- AND GELLERT AND ALBUS ARE LIKE OPPOSITE EACH OTHER SO IM ASSUMING THAT SYMBOLISES THEYRE BROKEN, DISTANT RELATIONSHIP HOLY FUCK

- thank god leta is pretty far away from newt

- actually it’s so interesting that newt, tina and leta’s positions form a triangle and it symbolises a love triangle between the three of them, at least until theseus steps in

- ALSO THE TRIANGLE FORMED BETWEEN NEWT, TINA AND THESEUS IS ANOTHER LOVE TRIANGLE EYYYY THIS IS INTERESTING

- oh my god yall now i am ike 200% sure we’re getting a newtina kiss in this movie which is fucking brilliant because the sooner that happens, the sooner they get married and the more newtina content will be in store for us

- ok but i have to admit leta looks fucking amazing here like her hair and her dress are like WOWOOWOW

- credence looks so much better than we last saw him he’s dressed all fancy and shit

- gellert looks so goth and swag i cannot he might as well put on a pair of shades (he reminds me of punk eleven from stranger things s2 lol)

- albus looks so fucking done with everyone’s shit

- the way leta and theseus look at each other tho dammit i think i might end up shipping them too

- my god their actions also hint at their relationship status in the movie like for example, tina looks at newt and newt doesnt see this, but when she looks away, newt looks at her and SHE misses it; that probably means that they both love each other but they think the other doesnt feel the same fUCKING HELL THAT’S SO ADORABLE

- i think we’re going to get a lot of these kind of frustrating, “oh my god just say i love you already” moments between newtina in the movie and i dont think im physically or emotionally ready for that

- OKAY I REWATCHED THE CLIP AGAIN AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST NOTICED THAT TINA HAS DRAPED HERSELF PROTECTIVELY AROUND NEWT’S SUITCASE AND THAT IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IVE EVER SEEN (I AM SURE NEWT WOULD AGREE)

- the physical contact between jacob and queenie could mean an already established romantic relationship between them and i am damn sure that it’s what we’ll be seeing in the movie

- so. many. romantic. relationships. i. cannot.

- i swear the way theyre dressed looks like they’re at a funeral and i still can’t get over the fact that queenie is in BLACK wtf

- OKAY BUT THE TRANSITION AND THE SMOKEY DEATHLY HALLOWS THO

- THE TITLE REVEAL HAD ME HOLLERING MY THROAT INSIDE OUT

- words cannot express how insanely excited i am for this movie

- i guess we just upgraded from “FBAWTFT” to “FBTCOG” (well, that’s not the brightest name, but i doubt it’s a very bright movie anyway)

- “fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald”... my first thought about this is that we’re definitely going to see a shitload more badass tina on a literal witchhunt for grindelwald and his followers

- if grindelwald escapes prison, i wonder how he does it and maybe that ‘s how our heroes are brought together again??

- okay istg if tina gets hurt newt is gonna flip shit

- OKAY ISTG IF NEWT GETS HURT TINA IS GONNA CUT SOME BITCHES UP

- i had this idea some time ago that since grindelwald was trying to get credence on his side, what if he was hunting for obscurials to make an army of them so that he’d be feared through the wizarding world, since everyone is so terrified of obscurials

- WHAT IF HE ALREADY HAS A SECRET STASH OF THEM SOMEWHERE AND THAT’S HOW HE BREAKS OUT OF PRISON

- oh my god what if gellert was detained in azkaban? that would make sirius the first person to escape from there since grindelwald’s time

- YALL IF GRINDELWALD GETS TO CREDENCE AND LIKE TORTURES HIM OR USES THE IMPERIUS CURSE ON HIM TO MAKE HIM JOIN HIS ARMY BITCH ISTG I WILL STAB SOMEONE

- OMFG WHAT IF macusa knows that grindelwald has been gathering an army of obscurials, so tina and her fellow aurors were tasked to go on a mission to locate these obscurials first and protect them from his influence, AND ONE ONE MISSION TINA FINDS OUT THAT CREDENCE HAS BEEN LIKE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING AND TRIED TO KILL HER (THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE A PRETTY GOOD START TO THE MOVIE)

- imagine her being so distressed about it that she completely overworks herself on the case

- my god so since newt knew that credence was alive, tina would be like “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME” and she’s be mad at him and CONFLICT ENSUES MMMM YESSS

- so much sweet angsty conflict gimme all of it

- or if tina just completely breaks down because she couldnt save credence or something NEWT WOULD COMFORT HER AND THERE WE HAVE A POTENTIAL SETUP FOR A KISS

- omg wait isnt there gonna be wizarding circus in this next movie? and that asian girl beside credence was one of the circus performers right??? SO WHAT IF CREDENCE WAS HIDING OUT IN THIS CIRCUS ALL ALONG?? AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER OR SOMETHING??? SHIT I THINK I ALREADY SHIP IT

- what do you think is credence’s role at the circus? is he a performer? what kind? what does he do??

- just LOOKING at newt and tina makes me think of how the first kiss will go. is it a spurr of the moment kiss? a good luck kiss before tina leaves for battle? a grateful, “thank merlin you’re alive” kiss after the battle? a sweet, gentle kiss by a fireplace? a hesitant one where newt makes the first move and pulls back before tina jams her mouth to his?

- i swear we need at least one “i’m so glad you’re safe” reunion embrace between newt and tina okay holy shit

- why do i feel like we are in for a lot of pain, angst and a sprinkle of death in this movie

- but i am also 90% sure gellert will be a way more interesting villain than voldemort will ever be

- okay callum turner looks GOOD as theseus but i will never stop wishing that benedict cumberbatch should have been cast instead

- omg guys the cast is pretty representative this time like we have quite a few POCs

- this movie is going to be SUCh an emotional rollercoaster okay my heart is going to BLEED WITH IT

- it’s going to be deeper, darker, so much more dangerous and i swear i think someone is going to die i am sure of it

- i will emerge from the movie theatre with 9468363649364936400324920347207 new ships and my eyes still pooling with emotion

- wait where’s seraphina

- shit guys if she dies im going to scream

- ok but i really want tina to become like president of macusa or like seraphina’s right hand woman or something,, at least i want her to be the same rank as theseus

- then newt would have bragging rights; “my wife is the president of macusa”

- lmao i brotp ship tina and theseus i can imagine them as drinking buddies

- yall if grindelwald lays a single finger on newt’s case i am going to release all of hell on that man if tina doesn’t do it first

- lmfao i love that everyone is dressed so fancy and then there’s newt who’s just there like “hey guys i’m here in my dusty coat which you’ve seen before because this is the only thing i ever wear” and if that ain’t the most newt thing he’d do

- imagine if recycling clothes is just a bad habit newt has always had, and even after newt and tina get married, the habit is carried alonge, until eventually tina forces him to wear something different every few days because she thinks it’s gross

- imagine adorable husband and wife banters ahh

- also how will newt react to tina’s new hairstyle?

- well dumbledore doesnt look as eccentric as he does in the HP movies hmmm

- and they said he’ll be openly gay in this movie so i’m excited to see how that goes ;))

- we’re in for an interesting reunion of gellert and albus ooooo

well that’s all i have for now it’s like 12am here lmao im exhausted and i havent had dinner. i’m so excited for all the fanfics and fanart im sure some of you are cooking up based on this clip. looking forward to seeing/reading them!!!

FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME OR SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE MORE THOUGHTS YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE, ALL COMMENTS AND OPINIONS ARE APPRECIATED :DD 

[assyer]

So, I did some numbers because I was curious, with the wayback machine, and this is what I found. How I got to the numbers under a cut in case someone better than me at math finds I fucked up.

I also did all of this based on oneshots because chaptered stuff would be too complicated for me. And, of course, relative to the mechs fandom. So,

1) Works posted on ao3per month: 

I’m pretty sure someone did a graphic of this but I couldnt find it. If you have it, please do let me know.

6/2020: 67 works

7/2020: 50 works

8/2020: 116 works

9/2020: 91 works

10/2020: 204 works, 111 of those belonging to some sort of october challange

11/2020: 86 works

12/2020:90 works

1/2021, as until 9/1/2021: 40 works

2) Variation on stats: 

The wayback machine most recent saved mechs tag page is from 30th of December, and the second one of 14th of July, two relative low months on activity regarding fic posting, so have that in mind.

A) Kudos:

June 2020: 34.4285 kudos per fic on 4 days

December 2020: 19.33334 kudos per fic on 4 days (43.845% less than on June)

January 2021: 14.916667 kudos per fic on 4 days (56.6734% less than in June, which wow considering it descended 12.828% in like, two weeks)

So, you now get half as many kudos as one did six months ago.

B) Hits:

June 2020: 88 hits per fic on four days 

December 2020: 42.66667 hits per fic on four days

January 2021: 40.66667 hits per fic on four days

Once again, half as many

3) Cool Stuff I Found Out: 

Yeah

A) Hits growth: fics posted 10 days ago have grown in average six hits per day, while those posted 5 months ago (again, in average cause I dont have enough data) have grown 1 hit per day. I would love to have more numbers to see how long it takes a fic to stop being “hot”

B) October: the challanges people have taken up to this lovely October (and posting for it in the form of oneshots) have been Mechtober, Whumptober, and Kinktober

C) I would love for ao3 to have a statistic function for the fandoms

D) I would love for tumblr to have a statistic function for the tags (is there any?)

E) Someone apparently took the job to update every week from mid 2016 to mid 2017 the first page of the mechs tag on ao3, which rocks specially because by the end of it there were like, 20 works (compered to the 1100 ish we have now). Whoever you are, thank you for your services

So, in theory, and because I dont feel i have enough numbers to say for sure, I dont think youre crazy. 

4) Also, if someone has any screenshot of any fic (inside the fandom lol), please Im begging you to tell me the details. Knowing the date the screenshot was taken, the fic posted and the kudos/hits it had then, compared to the ones now, it could be a cool way to see the “life expectancy” of a fic in the fandom, and to know if this change was radical (explaining why it was noticeable), or if it was just a constant decrease (of like around 10% on kudos per month)

Finally, how I got the numbers:

1) Just searching and filtering. On October I went through the whole pages and manually took note of those fics that said on its description that were written for a challange, or were part of a challange series

2) So, the wayback machine, as stated before, only has two recent dates saved, and on each date, only the first page of the most recent posted works filtered by date posted. For each one,

December: there were 9 oneshot fics, ranging of date from the 27th to the 30th. Counting the total of hits for that group, and dividing to make an avarege, you get 19.33334 kudos per fic. I first wanted to divide it by four, to see how much per day it would be, but because a fic grows faster the youngest it is, it would be another useless variable, leaving it less trusty. And if I only take the ones posted that day, you get 2 fics, which is laugable. Used the rule of 3 to get the percentages.

July: there were 9 oneshots, one which has been deleted, from the 9th to the 14th. I only took the ones from the last four days, so I could compare to the other dates better. I also didnt take the one deleted into consideration.  Did the same as in december.

January: I still took the ones posted the last four days.  Did the same as in the other two. Rule of 3 for the percentage.

For kudos I did exactly the same.

3) A) I compared the fics stats from July and December and compared it to today’s. Then, counted the days of difference and did the avarage for each one, then the avarage for the group.

C) Please

D) PLEASE

4) IM BEGGING YOU

Anyone know why engagement on ao3 has dropped in the Mechs fandom (the only i recently posted idk if it's in other fandoms too), because it's kind disheartening to see hits etc drop, you know? Just wondering if I'm imagining it :)

[neptunecove]

rules: answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

hey so i was tagged in this by @zigsexual and @gayforgayle (thanks yall) and i’m prob not gonna tag 20 people because everyone has kinda done this but wOO

THE LAST:

1. Drink: lemonade 2. Phone call: my mum 3. Text message: my best friend telling me to use skype more often lol 4. Song you listened to: homemade dynamite by lorde,, a queen 5. Time you cried: 10 minutes ago bc of school

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: NOPE

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: NOPE

8. Been cheated on: NOPE 9. Lost someone special: haha…. yes 10. Been depressed: hahaha… yes 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: NOPE

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. YELLOW 13. pale orange 14. maroon

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes surprisingly!! 16. Fallen out of love: no have you noticed that i’ve NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP 17. Laughed until you cried: yeah!! just last night actually 18. Found out someone was talking about you: uhmmm i cant remember from the top of my head but im sure its happened before 19. Met someone who changed you: yes heheh 20. Found out who your friends are: idk if this is a good question or a bad question.. but yeah?? 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i have 11 friends on facebook no

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all eleven of them 23. Do you have any pets: i have two fish that i’ve had since like 2014 without names 24. Do you want to change your name: if you asked me this two weeks ago i would of said yes but now im slowly getting comfortable with it (for people who don’t read my tags my irl name is aiesha lol)

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: we had a lil party at school because my friend is extra but it was soooo nice she made cupcakes n everything :’’) 26. What time did you wake up: 12:30 i hate myself 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: trying to find jake fanfic loool 28. Name something you can’t wait for: ME TO LEAVE SCHOOL 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 8 mins ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my inability to make friends 31. What are you listening to right now: a plane flying across my house cause i live next to a FUCKING AIRPORT 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i think?? what kinda question is this 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: umm my room but i have no motivation to clean it fhgjrfi 34. Most visited Website: TUMBLR HA 35. Mole/s: yeah a fuckin mole right below my right nostril and i hate it 36. Mark/s: i have severe eczema so YES 37. Childhood dream: to be a ballerina… guess what little me you’re not even bothered to go pee at night how are going to become a dancer 38. Hair color: bROWN 39. Long or short hair: i’ve always had medium-ish length hair but im trying to grow it out atm… but still SHORT HAIR 40. Do you have a crush on someone: i wish 41. What do you like about yourself: haha… um… idk 42. Piercings: NONE i was going to get my ears pierced when i was a baby but i got sick that day and we ever went back oops 43. Blood type: i dont even know 44. Nickname: allie, ish, alicia, POOKIE 45. Relationship status: sin..gle…. 46. Zodiac: VIRGO AHAHAH 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show/s: b99, jtv, the mindy project, orphan black, rpdr, riverdale (i have a love/hate relationship with that show) and oitnb 49. Tattoos: nAH I AM 15 but i love them alot and definitely will be getting 1 50. Right or left hand: right!!! 51. Surgery: never 52. Hair dyed in different color: omg.. purple,, burgundy, ombre, and blonde but i never want to talk about my blonde phase 53. Sport: FUCK OUTTA HERE

55. Vacation: new york or egypt 56. Pair of trainers: lol i own 4 pairs of shoes probably my vans

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: what does this mean?? fav food?? pasta 58. Drinking: LEMONADEEEE 59. I’m about to: prepare for school sad face 61. Waiting for: my glo up 62. Want: money 63. Get married: EVENTUALLY maybe when im not FIFTEEN

64. Career: i’ve always wanted to be a photographer but rn being a cartoonist/illustrator sounds fun fun fun 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs!!! 66. Lips or eyes: eyes for sure 67. Shorter or taller: since im like 5′2 taller 68. Older or younger: older or younger WHAT 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: um?? arms i guess?? 71. Sensitive or loud: how am i both sensitive and loud 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship of course 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant as fuck

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: NO 75. Drank hard liquor: NO 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: NO 77. Turned someone down: NO 78. Sex in the first date: NO 79. Broken someone’s heart: i dont?? think so??? 80. Had your heart broken: NO 81. Been arrested: NO 82. Cried when someone died: fun fact i have never experienced somebody close to me passing away so.. no… but if we are talkin about tv shows… michael cordero.. why 83. Fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: lol no 85. Miracles: i guess so?? 86. Love at first sight: maybe??? im young i dont know anything about love 87. Santa Claus: i never believed in santa.. whoops 88. Kiss on the first date: on the cheek?? yeah 89. Angels: yep yep yep

OTHER:

90. Current best friend’s name: I HAVE TWO jasmine and freya <33 91. Eyecolor: brown 92. Favorite movie: omg okay.. get ready… the curious case of benjamin button, creed (michael b DADDY), the fundamentals of caring, revolutionary road

i tag @elenasanchez @michellenguyens @pixelbatsy @gplaychoices @fyeahjanethevirgin @endlessraj @everythingchoices @krystas @jessicamckenzie @strider-sister @whatchoices @ducitora @heart-jake @heart-drake @eleanor-waverley @pbophelia and @pbstar !! ignore this if you’ve done it haha