#im legitimately like crying i feel so fucking stupid

[administer-distractions]

.

[triglycercule]

Murder trio

i actually cried seeing this in my inbox i will not lie. like actually fucking cried tears of joy /srs absolutely no words can express just how absolutely thralled i am that you drew this. i'm actually ACTUALLY so so overjoyed and flattered and so happy that someone could manage to encapsulate just how much i love the jk!trio and just how silly they are and how you put your own spin on this and made them just as cute and silly and amazing as i've always wanted to see I'M ACTUALLY CRYING THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DRAWING THE JK!MTT 😭😭😭

im so sorry for the late answer i have literally had no time to draw but TYSM FOR THIS I DREW MORE JK AU 4 YOU TO THANK YOU❤️❤️💜💜💙💙 ‼️‼️

they just got out of an extreme gaming session at the boardwalk arcade and now the suns setting and killer wants to get ice cream before it sets so they can watch the sunset but as usual she's a bit too excited for horror and dust to keep up and dust is absolutely dying (she gets ZERO excercise and killer is FAST) and horror just wants to take her time and also spare dust from killer's wrathful running speed. its ok though they manage to eat the icecream while watching the sunset even while slowed down (the vibes in this one are immaculate this is what jk fashion au stands for. silly fluffy important friendship bonding memories. i love. it's not full effort because i wanted to get this done quickly so i wouldnt respond late but im UNFORTUNATELY busy and now its been a day,,,,, I STILL LOVE THE ART YOU SENT ME THANM YKJ SO MUCH)

[4x01]

:-D

[skenpiel]

i need to fucking go to bed nobody in the entire world or universe could ever ever ever ever ever understand how overwhelming my love for utdr is its been the most constant hyperfixation/special interest (BOTH!!!!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!) since it came out i have literally not even once lost interest in it or been less fucking insane and like not to go full autistic 13 year old all over again but honest to god it doesnt feel like a single human being on earth could ever ever ever understand how i feel. like i know objectively thats not true but thats still how it feels. my insane batshit fucking autism feelings shouldnt be humanly possible its like ive been touched by the hand of the divine and it allowed me to feel more emotions than any normal human could ever survive. god god god god god god god god

[re-ikrmso]

curly a stronger man than me cause if jimmy was talking all that shit to him on his fucking surprise birthday party i woulda started crying. new hc that curly was on the verge of tears, trembling lip, shaky breath upset while cutting his cake,

i like to also think that since not only were the rest of the crew like . able to pick up that jimmy’s being an asshole, and didnt hold a grudge against curly, i like to think they didnt hold it against curly also because (tied to my hc) they saw how upset he was

mention of s/a below, rant about curly + vent seeping in below

also cause. i been a curly, i view his talk with jimmy mainly as damage control to try and get him to not do anything stupid, anything decisive he could’ve possibly done was cut short by the ship goddamn crashing. yes i still agree curly kinda messed up handling shit like. the s/a already fucking happened. whhat is he supposed to do to undo it. i feel like some of the discussion sounds more like “why didnt curly stop jimmy”

thats why i have no issue with “what would you have done? anything.” curly didnt fucking know. i do think…he really wouldve. but now he has to deal with trying to make sure jimmy, a COPILOT wont fucking lash out again while they’re stuck in space.

and while some people do interpret the “kills 99.9 percent” flashing across the scene as curly thinking about helping jimmy get anya an abortion, it’s just a fucking thought. and priority on friends is something natural.

either im a exponentially fucked up person but if my friend did a shit thing my first thought would be “how can i help this”.

then again, this is coming from a person who will literally throw up trying to legitimately criticize or badmouth my former(?) friend that i was ride or die for. so go fucking figure. do people really drop thier friends that easy? (urgh. me when i got nearly thrown out/doxxed by my friends over false allegations)

but even so, that was just a moment. he wants to mediate shit. i do sincerely, sincerely think curly would have done something if he had the time to realize things and what he could do. murder is not a genuine solution. tying your COPILOT up is not a genuine solution. shoving your friend into a fucking cryopod without explanation is not a good idea nor would curly realistically think of that. Keeping an eye on Jimmy 24/7 by himself would be impossible/hard, and letting the crew on would need to have him and or anya tell them what jimmy did. and i hardly doubt anya would be on board to tell everyone else so quickly. like. but then the ship CRASHED. so we’ll never fucking know but i really like to give. a benefit of a doubt here.

or maybe im projecting a “what if” onto curly. hoping he was able to do something. when i failed. but curly is a fictional character that i am probably missing nuance on. so it is what it is.

[sunnychuuya]

Sorry for the lack of sally face vomit last night guys I was eepy </3 I'm waking up in less than 8 hrs so let's go

THE FUCK YOU MEAN 60%

HOW DID I MISS SHIT I TRY SO HARD TO NOT

-oof not meds being shitty

-"is anyone really happy?" Mood

-hoooly fuck bro I am notnin a good enough mental state for this rn "I mean, were all just going to die anyway. So what's the point" pookie can we donting

-guysss whay the flip this games writing is rlly good

-"it feels like nothing puts me at ease. It's this constant feeling of discomfort like my soul isn't aligned with my body" okay I know this is prolly some ghosty supernatural shit but I feel this so hard ??

-HELP THE SCRAMIMG JUMPSCARED ME SO BAD mood tho

-hey what.

Whats this.

Larry if this means what I think it means

"ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO WHAY NO

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

NO

I KNEW HE DIED BUT HE CANT DIE LIKE THOS

MY HEART IS RACIN

NO

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

"Don't do anything stupid" the amount of times I've had this told to me and had to tell me loved ones bro

Fuck

No

Guys this isn't even fucking funny this isn't like me getting spooked easy it's like I legitimately am crying so fucking hard right now like mt face is red and all nasty

Shit Larry please

I think this is the most I've ever cried over a game.

Shit

Fuck

No..

Please.

I knew he died.

It can't happen like this I'd rather anything else god damnit why.

Im shaking

okay in texting one of my friends and he's kinda helping a Lil 👍

He was supposed to move in with us.

He's in the treehouse.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shit.

I'm sorry I know this isn't entertaining to read but

Fuck..

Larry why.

Larry face.

No ghat was really well done. And that's what makes it hurt sk much more. Fuck. Why.

[Tw suicide] this Honestly is making me really glad I never went through with it. Seeing those messages from a fucking fictional character is able to break my heart so much I can't imagine how my loved ones would've felt receiving this

sorry this is getting a Lil venty and dark but just like.. jeez. This is well written and that fucks it up so hard

ash what the fuck. You shitty traitor.

Ash I hate you.

Why.

Ash you fucking suck

Wait did Larry die with alcohol

Uck that makes it so much worse too

Im lowkey having to take breaks cuz this is hitting HARD

Larry's note. Oh my god.

phrophecy??

Oh right the cult

Fuck I'm sk glad ghosts exsist but I wish he was really here larry why

"You asshole! How could you do this?! Why did you leave me? Why?!" Fuck. Dude. Shit.

guys I'm stuck this is embarrassing

A times thing r u fr

Nvm easy as shot

oh great! guys that's great why is there black leak that's not good

what's happening with 501 what the florp

"The shapeless man walks in awkward strides"

Is everyone like possed or on the verge of possession or smth ?? Because like it's the red eyed demon right- based on the cutscene with Todd we saw during the bologna incident and the black stops righr before their eyes so..

The guitar sections are so stressful ngl

Oh wow mr Sanderson blew his brains out hub!

"yoy look like shit dude" Larry fucking wild thing to say to someone who shot themslelves

HEY GUYS ROOM 404 IS SLIGHTLY SUSPICIOUS

"These ghosts. So full of life. Strong, healthy blood. Tender meat. Oh how we crave their flesh. Yet, they deny us.. soon." what the fuck.

Wait guys in the vhs tape screen TV reflection it's younger sal he has pigtails

Larrys dead. I can't accept thst wth..

yall. Why us everyone being all deep n shit

"I'm sort of in the middle of something" honestly props to sal for not just giving up. I would be strong enough for that.

Yea these fuckers r possessed how do we unposses them

am I is have stupid

Im dumb

Gwyss who's quitting for the night cuz I couldn't figure out the guitar thing !!

Will do tmmrw

Aorry for this one being kinda depressing </3 I'm waking up in 5 hrs save .e

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow

[khodorkovskaya]

okay so i need to get this off my chest bc im so emotionally constipated oh my god. everything is so heavy but i can't fucking relax and let it all out and so im carrying around all of these bottles up emotions and it's frustrating and i hate it.

my grandmother passed away on thursday and i don't have the time to grief and it's the worst thing ever. she lives in another country and my mum went there immediately and we didn't talk about it but it was understood and accepted by everyone that im not coming to the funeral. like it was just kind of accepted as fact that i wasn't coming and that's it.

and fair enough, i don't have a say in this. because it's like halfway across the world and we poured our savings out for this plane ticket for my mum. our only source of income is our business and we shut it down for the time that she's away. i now have my internship salary, which is half of minimum wage, so i guess that's what me and my dad are surviving on for now. so like, fair, me going to grandma's funeral wasn't realistic money-wise. but it just sucks how i didn't get a say in this. and if i continue this train of thought, why didn't any of my relatives offer to buy me a plane ticket? im not blaming anyone for anything and whatever. and if i really wanted to go, i could've stated it. but everything happened so fast, i didn't even have time to process or think it through. anyway. whatever.

and now everyone's there, me and my dad are the only one out of the family who are here and i can't help but feel abandoned. and i know it's childish and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. but everyone is grieving together and im missing out on the grief. they're remembering grandma and looking through old photos and videos and crying together. and im stuck here. and i didn't even have time to grief!!! that's the frustrating part!

when i found out, i was at work, so i couldn't cry. then i couldn't cry bc i had work the next day and i can't show up to work with puffy eyes can i? then i have a presentation on monday, so yesterday i was working on it. and i wanted to grieve today. but i hadn't finished the presentation, so that's what i spent the whole day doing today. and again, i can't be all puffy-eyed tomorrow. so every time i think about grandma, i just force myself to not think.

and i can't even cry. like tears just don't come out because im so fucking controlling of myself. like i legitimately can't cry. im so tense. like i can't let myself let loose.

and then im like postponing my grief. which is so ridiculous. because what is all of this for?? she is gone. what's it gonna do? what's the point of looking through old photos and making myself sad? i might as well put on a pink gown and open a tub of ben&jerry's like sad girls in romcoms while im at it. like this is so performative. what's the point? who is this performance for? she is gone.

and now im like constantly torn between like... feeling sad about my grandma's death, not having the time to grief and feeling like there is no point in grieving. and my mum is sleeping in the bed she died in. and my cousin said she visited her in her sleep. and i feel like im missing out on this like... sisterhood of grief.

i don't know, it's so fucked up. there is something so embarrassing about death. grandma was the pillar of everything. it felt like she was alive despite it all, out of spite almost. everyone else could die, but not her. and now she's gone. and i haven't even had the time to properly think about it. but i don't want to think about it because i don't want to accept it. because i feel like it's embarrassing that she died because she's so much cooler than death and it's just not fair. like it's out of character of her to die. she's supposed to be invincible.

so the funeral is tomorrow. everyone is there and im here. and i feel like if anyone has to be at the funeral, it's me. i have this childish hope that i was the favourite grandchild, which is so stupid. because ive always lived far and i guess grandma didn't know me much past childhood. and can i really blame a teenager for not being close with their grandma? but it really doesn't make sense why im not at the funeral. because i should be there, right? grandma loved me. but what's the point of funerals anyway? she's gone. it doesn't matter who's at the funeral, she's not coming back.

fuck.

[pierswife]

Cedrik big brother moments

Here he was. Sitting in his living room listening to girl problems. Since when did he fucking listen to girl problems?

General audience, this is NOT a romantic fic Cedrik and Sylvia are found family that's his little sister, no trigger warnings besides some vulgarity, Cedrik is so fucking tired let him sleep.

Which, by the way! I made a new Pokemon OC! I'll hopefully be able to show her off a bit more soon once I get her lore doc started.

Cedrik didn't know how he got here, but somehow he ended up with a crying Sylvie on his couch at 3AM. He stayed quiet as he listened to her ramble on, most of the information going in one ear and out of the other. Fuck, he was tired. He didn't sleep well in general, but this week was rough as hell. He just wanted to go back to bed. At least close his damn eyes for a bit if he couldn't sleep. But no. Here he was. Sitting in his living room listening to girl problems. Since when did he fucking listen to girl problems?

“A-And then Alfred. I can't believe that he…” Sylvie sniffled. The name made Cedrik perk up.

“You mean that shitehawk you've been datin'?” Cedrik asked. He never fucking liked the guy. Cedrik thought he was full of himself, but that dude was on a whole other level. And of course Sylvie, as much as he begrudgingly cared about the cailín, didn't see it. No matter how much he would warn her, she never listened. It made him wonder: was she just blind, stupid, or both?

“Ced! Be nice!” the younger woman hiccuped before she wiped at her eyes again. Cedrik clicked his tongue and leaned back into the couch. Still defending the tool even though… Then it clicked.

“He's the reason you've been cryin’, isn't he, Sylvia?” His voice dropped into a threatening grumble as he said this. He sat up again, turning his full attention to Sylvie.

“N-No! Maybe! Yes! I-It's complicated, Cedrik!” she cried out. Her hands balled up into fists in her lap. “I really thought he liked me, Ced! I really liked him! It's not fair! He… Was I just a game to him or something!?” Normally when she was complaining because of Alfred, it was over something silly like him forgetting something important, like a holiday or birthday, or because he got her the wrong candy. But this was different; she was legitimately crying this time. She wasn't crying over something stupid for once. Fuck, what did he miss while he was barely listening? How did he not pick up on her actually being upset? It sounded like Alfred was only dating her because he was bored. That reminded him of a certain someone he saw in the mirror every morning… Shit. Maybe he really wasn't much better than that tosser. Well, at least he didn't try to play with people's feelings on purpose. Cedrik sighed as he watched her sob again.

“Awright, then,” he mumbled as he stood up. He didn't need to know exactly what Alfred did, but seeing Sylvie like this because of some guy? He couldn't fucking stand it… Yeah, that was reason enough. He was pissed off that he couldn't sleep, anyway; he could stand to blow off some steam. Without a word, Cedrik set a brisk pace as he walked toward the door, snatching up his jacket as he did.

“Wait. Cedrik. Where are you going?”

“Just goin’ to go ‘ave a little… Talk. Yeah. A little talk with the guy.”

“Ced. Cedrik, no. Stop!”

“I just goin’ to talk with ‘im.”

“Cedrik, I know you! You're being ridiculous!” Cedrik ignored her. Alfred had it fucking coming.

“I'm just goin’ to beat the shite outta ‘im.”

[moedollita]

pet peeve

sorry this post just turns into insane ranting garble i start sounding like im 12 , theres nothing of substance to read

this is something insanely stupid and even hypocritical of me to get annoyed at , but i absolutely cannot stand it when people online pretend like they're more mentally ill than they are . i hate when people put some sort of mental illness wordsalad in their bios like ' jirai ' , ' landmine girl ' , ' menhera ' i hate when people obviously try to act like ame / kangel after playing NSO or some other fictional character when they were absolutely nothing like them before . they practically brag about being mentally ill and then only showcase the same 5 symptoms that are insanely fetishized and none of the 100 others that aren't as ' cute ' . it makes me lose my mind . it feels like such a disgusting mockery it makes me want to rip my skin open . i cant stand even imagining anyone could see these shitty obvious yandere larp posts and put op on the same level as someone whos actually struggling . just this unbridled rage festers inside of me you dont know what its like stop fucking quoting anime characters so you can achieve some aesthetic go fuck yourself

i hate it because i hate myself and i hate the things i do , witnessing someone grift on the KAWAII DESU symptoms while im on a private twitter account typing the most disgusting unforgivable things i can possibly conjure up about the people i love because of how angry i feel over something so idiotically , stupidly minuscule like an actual fucking child . i cant make a single friend in my life because im genuinely so terrified of people and their intentions with me that when i somehow make a friend i genuinely think that they're only playing some long con because they want to ruin my life . im so lonely but i legitimately cannot handle having friends because they can say ANYTHING and my mind will twist it to some insane act of pure hatred against me and then my hands are shaking and i cant focus on anything for the next few hours and i cant stop crying and cutting myself and im planning extensively how to tell them i cant be friends with them because i just cant take it anymore and oh nevermind suddenly im fine again . but at the same time if someones too nice all the time my fucking brain will start losing interest in them because apparently i NEED them to pull away from me and be a fucking asshole to me because im some sort of insane emotional masochist !!! i cant speak my mind with anyone even if they're obviously in the wrong and being mean to me when ive done nothing because i just know they're going to leave if i reciprocate with any sort of pushback so i just ghost them instead which makes the situation even more complicated or i have some sort of tantrum where i accuse them of the most schizotypal shit instead of actually discussing it like a normal person . its actually indescribable how embarassing it is to retain that " my parents didnt buy me candy so they hate me " mindset from when i was 8 years old all the way until 15 . and everything with me has to be some sort of extreme . i cant even like something normally i have to be obsessed with it to an emotionally deteriorating degree . i cant feel somewhat bad about something it had to feel like my world is ending and that ill never be happy again . why am i fucking feeling like this because of the sub count of a VTUBER . and then all of life is just a cycle of yearning for shit and feeling bad for myself " why cant i do this why cant i be better at this you can either be bad or a prodigy and im not a prodigy and i dont care if im 15 i need to be better than 28 year olds at this or else im a total fucking failure " and i fucking bet you if i would ever reach that prodigy status i would feel absolutely nothing about it and my brain would latch unto the next thing to feel bad about " ok well im not good at * that * i need to be good at * that * it doesnt matter if im good at * this * anyone can be good at * this * i need to be good as * that * as well " . it is legitimately either all or nothing with me and i cant stand either of those options . i hate feeling empty and i hate being obsessed with someone to the point of emotional spiraling 5 times a day but there can never be an inbetween option . im intensely angry about everything

and the most insanely retarded part about all of this , is that given the choice i wouldnt want to get better . this is all that i am . i am nothing without this disorder . if i dont have this disorder nobody will care about me or be gentle with me anymore . i will forever mentally be a child that only wants someone to take care of them and if i dont have this disorder there will be nothing to take care of . nobody will care . but heres the kicker ; nobody cares already . strangers are gentle with me because i have a sad look in my eyes but thats all there is . i just cant bring myself to actually talk about what i go through . all anyone sees is that im energetic and then suddenly sad within an single second interval or that i just stare ahead at shit like a zoo animal or that i cut myself sometimes . i cant even fully bring up and elaborate on extremely heavy topics that i go through on twitter or on this blog because it feels so wrong to imagine someone connecting something as dark as that with * me * . i want attention but i dont talk about shit . i dont want to talk about shit . i already utterly despise seeing the look people get in their faces when they somehow catch a glimpse at my sh scars or for gods sake fucking mentions it to me " dont do that to yourself " please dont worry about me and make me feel like a horrible burden when im trying my hardest to seem okay so i can be an enjoyable person to be around . having a person worried about someone as disgustingly rotted , parasitic and inhuman as me is the worst thing to inflect on someone , its like feeling bad for a dying cockroach . i mean just read the first part of this ramble to see how shitty of a person i am where i exaggerate my symptoms to make myself look like i suffer more than other people and put down anyone who dares to express their symptoms differently

[stupidcanofpeaches]

okay. okay okay. so i just finished s1 of shadow and bone and started s2 (tho so far im only one episode in). and what can i say except im really into it? and also i now have a lot of feelings. 

first of all i appreciate alina and mal being young and also naturally a bit naive but also not stupid? when they accused each other of not sending or reading the letters and then just, you know, talked and hugged it out instead of drawing out the drama? really neat. i love it. love seeing some healthy understanding. babies. and can i just say how graciously mal accepted the fact that alina was very obviously isolated and manipulated and didn’t blame her for it one bit? yeah. that hit me in the feels when i did not expect it bc frankly i mostly started watching it after seeing some unhinged kaz gifs. 

and, uhhh. kaz. ouch and also wow. he’s now my son who has 72 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces. my man has committed murder fraud burglary and probably arson and looks like he hasn’t had a minute of good sleep in about at least seven years give or take a few months. he’s a badass he’s canonically disabled he’s a criminal he’s a poor little meow meow he’s a bastard he’s a traumatized kid in a neat little hat. love him. he needs all the hugs and can’t get one. 

and can i just say that inej is so goddamn pretty? bc she is. knife wife. not to take away from her character and her own trauma. she’s badass before everything else. her killing the inferni that was about to fry kaz? breathtaking beautiful amazing. and yeah i can’t shut up about kaz but showing on screen that the cane is not just for show and cool points but a legitimate walking aid for him that he experiences chronic pain without is so. good. chef’s kiss. the way their relationship progresses hnnnngg. i believe in you. i’m not leaving you. good god. please let them just hold hands. 

also. nina and matthias broke my heart. crying screaming throwing up. why couldn’t they get a happy ending. it was either court marshal for matthias or for nina and hell they looked so fucking happy and content eating waffles that for a moment i forgot their countries were actively at war. why. i choose to believe that in my head they’re together and free. nina’s banter with matthias was super sweet and you can see the moment it changes from hostile and acerbic to genuinely playful and this is tearing my heart out all over again. 

also genya totally deserved better.

[vespersposts]

Reap what you sow

Since I let Daiki's birthday pass without even making a celebratory post (sorry my demon, I know Taiga got one), I decided to start September with a new episode where he explains how he deals with situations, especially his one with Momoi. I send you a big hug and thanks for following the story and being patient with this disorganised author! Let me know if you like it,

V.

Do you know? Artist Eve (@evelhak ) draw a portrait of the main female character exclusively for this story -> [ Im in awe! ] 💝

-> more knb stories here 🏀

"Why don't we go down to town on Saturday? Let's have a bite to eat, a coffee and a look at the sports shop. Momoi told me you wanted to try out a new pair of sneakers."

A normal request, a legitimate intention, something he had done a thousand times with Satsuki and the guys. Something he had also done with other girls, but that did not make it any less embarrassing. So when Kuri asked him one day at the end of a class, all he could do was nod, feeling caught in the middle. Nearby, Satsuki's confused look made him feel dirty, mean and shady for accepting that invitation just to get her attention.

It had worked, though, as they now walked side by side on their way home from the gym. Momoi had preferred his company to Tetsu's and now she was strangely silent, although she never let him out of her sight.

"What are your intentions with her?" his childhood friend asked him, stopping on the elevated walkway, glancing casually at the line of cars at the traffic lights before turning her gaze to him. Daiki felt a strange tension growing in his stomach, as if he was tugging at a string caught somewhere, a string that was tightening itself to a mysterious, hidden point.

A point that was a person, Satsuki.

"None, really. I'll figure it out as we go" he had simply answered her, causing the girl to frown.

"Don't tell me you want to bang her!" she blurted out, looking at him with an expression that was close to disgust.

As if that was his problem.

Of course he would have fucked her, if it would have helped him get his manager's full attention again, he would have done anything for her. He even got involved in a stupid girl feud for her.

"Tell me you don't want to and I won't! "He replied earnestly, cupping her face in his hands, caressing her soft cheeks, staring into her drooping eyes, leaving her only when her hands grabbed his wrists and demanded to be released.

"Don't get into trouble, that's what I'm telling you. Don't put yourself in a position where you start a story you don't want to start just because you're lonely. I love you, just not like that..." he heard her sigh "If you're sad, talk to my best friend, I know she understands because she's been in your position" she had concluded, taking a few steps away, still flushed from the latest declaration.

"No one understands me like you do" Daiki had told her again, determined to leave no room for ambiguity.  "She's just a strange girl I don't even like, I just pretend to, for you. You're the only one I'll always need, the only one who really understands me!" he concluded, making the girl's eyes fill with big, round tears. "I love Tetsu, I'm fine with him, Dai-chan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you all the time, but I don't know what to do".

He saw her crying her eyes out. All he could do was hold her in an embrace, which the girl quickly broke.

"We have to set better boundaries, work better, we..." and she was silenced by the boy's lips on hers, his strong arms around her, his powerful figure trapping her between him and the railing, under the astonished gaze of the passers-by.

"I love you, that will never change, remember that! "Daiki's deep voice imprinted itself in her mind to such an extent, that she felt as if she heard nothing else until he arrived at your house and she closed the door behind her, deluding herself that she could even shut out the disappointment of having deceived her best friend once again.

A sea of tears followed, a sea that you dried with a box of tissues and a frozen pizza dinner, listening to this story a thousand times, commenting on it a thousand times, reconstructing the incident as the best detective would have done, but the truth was always the same.

"There was no way you could have prevented it" you had told her again, stroking her head as it rested on your lap, smiling at her as her red, swollen eyes stared at you with silent questions.

"I cheated on Tetsuya" you heard her murmur as warm tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Nobody cheated on Tetsuya! You couldn't have known that he would react like that and he... Well, Aomine is exhausted and reacts to the situation like he would in a basketball game he's losing: he tries everything. Too bad he doesn't know when to stop! " you conclude and give her a smile, hoping that your friend will be satisfied with this rough and ready explanation.

"I should tell Tetsu! "she sighs and clamps her fingers between yours.

" What's the point?" you answer her immediately. "You'd only create bitterness. I doubt Daiki will try to kiss you again. Leaving him alone with his guilt is punishment enough. Now you need to think about yourself and how I can help you realise that it's not your fault! " you smile at her and hear your mobile, which you had thrown on the sofa before Momoi arrived, buzzing.

"It's nothing important, I have to make appointments for the agency." you lie to her, knowing that telling her that Aomine is chasing you to convince her to talk and 'set things right' would only make her more anxious.

"I want one too, for Saturday afternoon!" Satsuki informs you, getting your attention back.

"Where are we going?" you laugh, rolling a strand of her soft hair on your finger, thinking it's some kind of joke.

"You have to break up Dai-chan and Kuri's date if you don't want him to screw her " she says suddenly.

"And even if he did, what would be the problem? The safer the princess feels, the more fun it will be to ruin their affair, let him have his way! " you say with a sigh and send another message. Momoi is silent, then her face takes on an undefined expression, somewhere between that of a wayward child and an angry woman.

"I just don't want this to happen! " she reiterates, and you already know that you won't be able to stop her.

[mithliya]

i feel so bad for you with the callouts about you faking being a lesbian bc of posts you made when you were a young teen

i just found writing from when iw was 12 of me pretending to like men and it hurts so much and its so fucking stupid it was kind of like your old posts at least it was completely private

the way it was written was like me trying to force myself to feel those ways and i even remember researching like most attractive man ever to try and find a guy to act like i was attracted to all while looking at them and feeling nothing at all... and id search for like hours trying to find a boy that i felt anyting for to pretend to wajt as a boyfriend.... i never even found one! my friend told me maybe i was 'aesthetically gay'when i was like "soo im totally straight but i do not find any men attractive at all"

i just have no idea how i didnt realize earlier i wasnt attracted to men with all that bfjdmfjd

i feel u 😭 the wildest part is that post was made to paint a certain image. there’s no emphasis on the posts being primarily from 2013-2014. nothing highlighting the fact that i was literally like 14-16 in ALL of the posts (and that the person who was calling me out is calling 15 year old me a whore / slut for what r obviously jokes. if i as a 15 year old managed to have sex 500 times with 420 men while in an long distance “relationship”… wouldn’t that be indicative of something rly insidious? like they’re obviously not legitimate numbers & were me exaggerating ridiculously bc i didn’t want to answer such questions. i didn’t know if my rapist / rape counted. i was dissociated through a lot of it). the wildest part is she intentionally ignored all the posts highlighting what ive been saying: i was literally on substances a lot of the time when in that guy’s vicinity. i considered him a friend and didn’t want a relationship but then gave in after he kept insisting we were together & facing other pressure and he was giving me substances to get my guard down & be able to do things to me. i even made posts back then saying “idk if i like guys at all or if im into girls or if i like anyone” and talking about how i don’t understand attraction and don’t feel love. i talked about the guy making me cry all the time (& would then downplay it and act like i cry over everything) and there’s hints that i was attempting suicide and on sedatives the day our “relationship” started (which was the day he decided we were in a relationship. i repeatedly said i don’t want it) and drunk + had repeatedly tried to kill myself the day i lost my virginity (if that even counts. maybe the time i was raped is when i lost it? who knows.). and when asked why i won’t leave or when id defend him it’s almost always “he’s the only person who’s there for me” “im scared”… never “i love him” or “im attracted to him” or anything of the sort. i was baffled going thru the blog bc i didn’t realise there were so many hints that it was unwanted. etc etc etc. no wonder when i finally ended it and refused to back down (had to do it repeatedly for like 6 months) he immediately said “is it bc you’re a lesbian?” 😐.

also yeah sadly the only diff between me and the Real Lesbians trying to argue im lying about my sexuality is that their closeted shenanigans isnt available for everyone to look at and analyse and pick apart. their trauma isn’t there on display for people to call them liars and partake in abuse apologism with. but this whole thing has only confirmed to me that my truth remains my truth & my story. it was pretty upsetting seeing how i was somehow so aware of my lack of attraction to men but so in denial of it at the same time. and it made me realise that that whole portion of my life might’ve been even worse than i remembered. i remember the suicide attempts but i didn’t realise how often i was out of it.

ALSO anon that’s such a mood. i did a lot of the same stuff 💀

[radiorutters]

I'm Sorry. Really, I'm trying so hard to not be... this. Any of it. But it's how i am right now and what im thinking. I'm legitimately struggling not to. Feel this.

God im fucking angry with myself. I really really really don't fucking like me. I don't feel capable, and it isn't because i haven't tried to convince myself otherwise or show it. But i keep trying, i keep pushing and working and thinking and processing but nothing clicks.

Im slow, i don't understand things, i dont fucking function. I don't fucking work, i dont function as a person or like anything. Fuck. Im stupid and slow and wasteful, im mindless and act careless and i make too many fucking mistakes.

Why can't i just work anything out? I'm genuinely trying so hard and I can't explain to people what im not getting. I ruin things and then i get confused about it. Fuck i feel completely worthless and burdensome and retarded and mean and helpless. Even with guidance im sitting there seemingly slack jawed and asking "huh???" At clearly worded obvious things. Fuck, and smoking weed is supposed to help? Im sober right now and feel like fucking actual fucking shit.

But nooo go ahead. Relax, get more treats get more affection. Beg and beg and beg for things to be better or good and watch as i realize its all my fucking own fault. Why the fuck would i deserve sympathy when so much, literally everything is stuff that happened because of my actions and choices and words? How i say cruel heartless things to people i genuinely never would ever want to hurt.

I still don't fucking understand things, i could have the full big picture and still squint at it like I'm not getting it. Im hurting all over, my body is aching from the pain in my chest and gut. I can't eat, i have no appetite because im so fucking nauseous. I've been struggling to sleep or eat for a minute now. I wake up all the time, been having nightmares, been inclined to cry constantly for like a week now. Can't though. Hate myself too much to let it happen alone and i can't fucking STAND someone else seeing it. Why me? Why am i host? Do they think I'm capable of dealing with this? Do they think I'm responsible?

I'm stuck up front anyway, its not like it would matter even if i could pick someone in the crew who got it better to front. I'm a loser, I'm greedy, im stupid and mean and bad at it. I DON'T feel good. I will, probably, like I'll be fine and I'm clearly overreacting but i can't turn it off.

Im straight up having a trauma reaction because my pathetic baby toddler cry baby ass fucking self can't get over our dad screaming at us for being stupid, or for how much I've lost. I've lost too much and I can't even complain about it because it doesn't matter, none of it matters. Fuck god i hate myself

[netegf]

FINALLY HOME AND READY TO READ!!!! 🥰🥰🥰🩷🩷🩷🩷 been soooo eager but i really wanted to give it the time and attention it deserves and ikkkk this is gonna hurt so good <333 !!!!!

"I want to know more than this. I will learn, and I will work hard, and I will fight, but Vi, one day, you and me, we'll be free of this. Free to do whatever we want, free to spend our days like the humans in the movies, just happy and ourselves. Wouldn't you like that?"

from the get go, this has me so soft 🥺💖💖💖 first of all, neteyam putting his head in vi's lap is so ❤️❤️❤️ !!!!! [heart exploding] + the thought of them watching human tv and movies so so domestic and soft.. it is such a stark contrast from where they are today :(( also the idea that our human media brings them home is adorable pls.

You wondered if it was fate, or Eywa's doing, that O'i'en was the first person you ran into, even as you were trying to avoid any semblance of another soul, the guilt and sadness mingling in you with flashes of worst-case scenarios, ones in which your distracted mind led to deaths that you will forever carry on your shoulders, that you will forever blame yourself for, that you were sure other people would, too, ones which you were too scared to prove and too spent to disprove, so you settled for ignorance and denial, at least until you found your ikran.

STOP IM SO CONFLICTED bc i was so happy to see o'i'en back for this cameo!!!! but the context is so heart-breaking 😭😭😭😭 it felt like that "I don't even treat you that good, girl, why you smilin'?" drake meme 🤣🤣🤣🩷🩷🩷

seeing vi rush out of treatment while she's injured to find oare, knowing what's happened is so sad i can't :'((( poor baby

Your tears mingled with his own as they collapsed on your feet and on the grass, and you forgot for a second of your rule - no crying in front of people. You forgot this as you forgot everything else, even your own name pushed from your memory as it was flooded instead with images of her, of your sister, that you loved so much, that you cherished deeply, that you thought you’d be able to for the rest of your life, that you were now told was gone, taken from you, in spite of you… because of you. “No…Oare, no…” “She’s with Eywa now… I’m so sorry.”

i 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 am 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 okay 😭😭😭😭!!!!!!!!!!

“No, we’re not doing this shit anymore. My ikran is dead. People are dead, Neteyam. All because of us, because this stupid war, that you caused. That you started. I’m done with the games, and the mystery, and your stupid mouth staying shut. You don’t know? Figure it out. Now.”

i am so here for vi demanding answers and really needing neteyam to vocalize what he's feeling / BEEN feeling all this time !!!! she is legitimately a BOSS and i admire the way you write her so much andra!!! 🥹🥹🥹💖💖💖💖 when i imagine the frustration and borderline numbness she feels at this moment... 😭😭😭😭 she is in so much pain and is not playing around!!!

"It meant everything! And my father fucking ruined it, and you ruined it. You ruined it, and I'll never, ever forgive you." the intensity behind his eyes, glistening with unshed tears that reflected the rays of the sun hitting his golden irises, the ones that put stars to shame and brought you to your knees, scared you. You came here to cry, and let it out. You came here to mourn. You didn't expect this. Didn't want this. But, for the first time in years, Neteyam was talking to you. Neteyam was telling you truths buried deep within his soul, deep behind walls you've tried to climb and pierce through longer than you wanted to admit to, and given the little crack of light you saw shine through, you knew you couldn't let this opportunity pass you by.

me gasping like LITERALLY every other word because this relay of dialogue was so fucking captivating and cathartic!!!! i literally LOVED seeing them both let it all out 😫😫😫😫🩵🩵🩵

He was rough as he pushed you until you tipped backwards, but his caress was gentle as he caught you and made sure you weren't hurt as your body hit the damp, soft grass. When he spread your legs and kneeled in between them, you knew you whatever ounce of self-restraint you had was swiftly thrown out the window, and you knew the relief you'd get to feel once he was done with you would be worth the regret in the morning - at least, it felt so right now. His fingers dug into your thighs as they massaged upwards, from your shins to your hips, and when both his thumbs caressed the sensitive spot at the edge of your loincloth, your breath hitched in your throat, silently begging him for more, hoping he wouldn't make you say words out loud you could never take back.

my stomach is in my THROOOOOOAATTTTT 💖💖💖💖 !!!!!!! the tension build-up, the candor from both of them, this release of feelings and emotions and urges is EVERYTHING!!

"It had to be someone who had no resemblance to you. It had to, Vi. Don't you understand? Because any time I looked at anyone, I saw you in them. Their eyes, or lips, their tanhì or stripes, even the smallest similarity killed me, reminded me how much I hate you, how much I want to, how much I don't. I've wanted to hate you so much, I tried so hard, but you were in every dream, in every fantasy, you haunted me my whole life."

stop stop stop this is literally making my whole body melt 😭😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷 i love this dialogue because it makes soooo much sense to me given the context of the story, but also because i imagine how vi would have interpreted this so differently in real time... like it would have just looked like neteyam wanted nothing to do with her anymore and that she's nothing like the girls he's interested in!

It was almost... domestic, the way he was asleep peacefully next to you, his breath so steady and deep, and so relaxed, it almost sounded like purring, his strong, muscular arms holding you close as you lay on your back, looking at the stars, bright, blurry orbs through the distorted lens of your tears, that couldn't stop falling, no matter how much you willed them away. The crash did come eventually, in the few hours since, and it felt like it broke all your bones in the process.

i love how we we end with this really domestic imagine, the same way we started the chapter with one 🥹🥹🥹 this fic is ART !!!!! so carefully crafted !!!!!😭😭💖💖💖

You and Neteyam rose and fell together, over and over again, your whole lives. A twisted carousel that wouldn't stop until one of you jumped off it, and with Oare's death, and the shame that followed it, you finally realised it had to be you.

+

“Ma Tsa’hik. I’m here to ask you to let me out of this arrangement. Please. I can’t do this, not with Neteyam. I’m done.”

ANDRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💔💔💔

i am in pain and my heart hurts but i also LOVE THIS ENDING bc it's so juicy and angsty 😫😫😫🩷🩷🩷🩷 i feel like she must be so overwhelmed in this moment so honestly i understand where she's coming from and i am SOOOO hyped to see how neteyam reacts to this next chapter AAAAAA!!!!!!!

incredible work as always i am in constant awe of your genius! 🥰🥰🥰

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕍𝕀𝕀: 𝕄𝕒𝕪𝕓𝕖 𝕎𝕖'𝕧𝕖 ℍ𝕒𝕕 𝔼𝕟𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙

Pairing: Neteyam x (f)Omaticaya!Reader

synopsis: You and Neteyam finally confront each other, after a seven year war that left you broken and bruised.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, aged-up! Neteyam/Reader, enemies-to-lovers, angst (mentions of violence, battle, blood, death, confrontation, admission of feelings), smut, strong language.

wc: 7k words

a/n: we're almost at the end, besties. i want to say a massive thank you for being patient with me, i have struggled with writer's block for a while now, and my life is incredibly hectic at the moment, but thank you for continuing to inspire me to write this story that has come to mean so much to me :(. i hope you enjoy this chapter, that i once again somehow feel weirdly insecure about hahaha, and i hope you'll find it was worth the wait. also this is only mildly proof read bc i am exhausted and i need to sleep ;((( i'll come back to it in the morning i promise x (also pls someone comment on the fact in the photo vi's looking up and he's looking down cause you know - rise and fall together and all)

pls don't forget to leave a comment or a reblog and tell me your thoughts, i loveee to hear from you so much!

na'vi compendium: txepvi  - spark, oare - moon, nawm - great, syä - bitter, tanhì - bioluminescent freckle, tewng - loincloth, tsakarem - tsa'hik in training, yawne - beloved

: ̗̀➛ previous chapter (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series playlist (x)

I carved my name into your ribcage We talked of lands away from this cage

"Dad always talks about Earth as if it was a dying hole, but... I don't know."

Neteyam's head was positioned snugly in your lap as you both stared intently at the sky, trying to make sense of the shapes of clouds, and the way they passed you by like birds in the night sky, never to be seen again, just a memento of the present and how every moment was unique and precious, and needed to be cherished. You both loved doing that, in between practice sessions, or before, or after, a way to ground you and remind you there's still beauty in this world outside of what you were being taught, of how everything was in preparation for a grisly reality you both struggled to come to terms with.

"Yes?"

"The little videos we've seen, of the movies and shows Norm and Max and the other humans like to watch... and the books they make us read during English lessons and the music... it doesn't seem that bad, you know? It seems they were happy, and... good. It seemed they lived for more than just fighting and greed, more than this."

You thought about it for a while. He was right. Humans were... beautiful, in their own ways. They had love and heart and soul in a way you never thought possible - it seemed there was always beauty to be found even in the darkest of corners, even in the most unsightly of places, and that gave you hope.

"I want to be more than this, too."

Your eyes snapped from the sky to him, and his eyes met yours, boring into you with a vehemence that almost scared you. When he rose from his spot, he faced you, his face so close to yours you could feel his breath fanning over you, and your heart stumbled in your chest at the proximity and the way his smile always managed to take your breath away.

"I want to know more than this. I will learn, and I will work hard, and I will fight, but Vi, one day, you and me, we'll be free of this. Free to do whatever we want, free to spend our days like the humans in the movies, just happy and ourselves. Wouldn't you like that?"

"Yes. I'd like that."

You said, don't fret love, someday I'll be my own man, I'll be free Oh, but darling, did you mean Darling, did you mean free from me?

“O’i’en…” your voice was hoarse and barely there, a croaking whisper you hardly recognised as your own, but still there. You were still here, and at least for that, you were grateful. Because there was more to your life. So much more you wanted to do and see, so much you felt you were made for and deserved, so much you still have to repent and atone for. Your mind was scrambled with visions of your past, so many of them you’ve lost count, the continuous onslaught barely ceasing as you woke, and you still felt like in a liminal state of being, not quite dead, but not quite alive, either. In those dreams, images of your old Neteyam were intertwined with his face now, much colder, much wiser, somehow even more beautiful, and confessions of “I love you” mingled with hushed whispers of “why is she not awake yet?” and commotion beyond your understanding. You needed answers. The battle, that now felt like a lifetime away to you, also somehow felt like it had just finished, and you rose from your spot with only one thought in mind: Oare was hurt. She was shot, and you needed to find her. 

You wondered if it was fate, or Eywa's doing, that O'i'en was the first person you ran into, even as you were trying to avoid any semblance of another soul, the guilt and sadness mingling in you with flashes of worst-case scenarios, ones in which your distracted mind led to deaths that you will forever carry on your shoulders, that you will forever blame yourself for, that you were sure other people would, too, ones which you were too scared to prove and too spent to disprove, so you settled for ignorance and denial, at least until you found your ikran.

"Oh, Eywa, you're alive!" you were taken aback by his surprise, and by his pure, unadulterated relief and happiness as his eyes found your form, limping and bruised, with bloodied and torn garments and yet still... alive. You didn’t think O’i’en would ever want to see you again, much less acknowledge you or talk to you, but here he was, running, as much as he could, the gash in his leg preventing him from any true momentum, but still, he ran to you and enveloped you in a big hug, that you couldn’t help but reciprocate, melting into his all-too-familiar touch that’s always felt comforting and safe, and never bruising or cold.

You sighed as your mind, much as it always did, brought to its forefront another face, another body, another man that never ceased to pull you out of the moment and into whatever fantasy your mind concocted to replace reality with. As you tightened your arms around him, your palms flat against his back, you noticed your fingers being coated in warm liquid, and the feel of it, as well as the smell of metal that hit you immediately after, made you gasp and break the embrace, using whatever force you had to turn him around and inspect the wound you knew had to be bad enough, if so much blood was pouring out of it, but still couldn’t help be shocked when you were proven right. 

“Fuck, your back…”

“I know… I haven’t had the chance to go see the healers yet.” 

“You haven’t ha- are you serious right now? Come, let’s go now.” You almost forgot about the your plan to avoid people, too concerned for the ugly looking gash pulsating blood that trickled down his toned back, until it soaked in his soiled tewng. He didn’t let you move him, instead taking your wrists in his hand and holding you still. 

“You look like you’re about to collapse, how are you still so bossy? Besides… there’s people who need it more than me.” The purple twinge in his cheeks let you know this wasn’t quite the truth. Not the whole truth. O’i’en was the most selfless person you’ve ever met, and yet, this wasn’t the whole truth. You looked tired and broken, scared and forlorn, and yet, with all your might, you tried to contort your face into something you hoped resembled the way Jake would raise the hairs above his eyes in a clearly disapproving expression, and while you lacked the most important aspect of that whole stare, it clearly worked, because he winced and broke the look you shared, choosing a spot on the ground instead. 

“After… everything, I just didn’t know if I could…or should… go get help from the Tsa’hik. It feels like everywhere I look, you follow. I knew you were hurt as well, and I didn’t know if I could handle seeing you like that, or seeing you at all. But now that you’re here, I realise… I’m just happy you’re alive.”

You smiled, a small feat that felt like the hardest task you’ve ever been assigned, but still, you were glad to know there was still something salvageable about your relationship with the man you once thought you’d spent the rest of your life with. 

“Come, sit. I’ll clean the wound myself.”

“You shouldn’t-“ He stopped when he noticed your look. You were too tired to be trifled with, and he was smart enough to know that. 

You promised home, the kind I'd never known But here we are, skin and flesh and beating hearts And I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong

You worked in silence, as much as you could, the thoughts spiralling in your head, worse with each passing second, and although you didn’t want to ask, you knew you couldn’t avoid it any longer, not when he looked so sad and despondent, not when the gash in his back spoke to a battle fiercer than you wanted to picture, not when you couldn’t help wonder if it was all on you. With a sigh, you spoke, and watched as he went rigid with every word uttered.

“What happened, O’i’en?” 

“What do you remember?”

“Nothing. I remember falling… i remember Oare getting shot.” You wince at the memory, at how it was your unsteady, tired, distracted mind that made her a vulnerable target. 

“Nothing else.”

O'i'en's whole body stiffened, and your hand stilled midair, shivers pulsating in your body as dread enveloped it.

“What. Happened. O’i’en?” 

"After you fell... the battle... took a turn for the worse. A lot of Na'vi died, a lot of our mounts died, too..."

"The Olo'eyktan and Tsakarem tried their best, we all did, but without you and Neteyam..."

The guilt that was big enough to almost crumble you into a mess of sobs and broken shards on the ground dulled just for a moment while his words rang in your ears, echoing until they clicked, until you made sense of their meaning.

"Neteyam...? Where was Neteyam, why wasn't he fighting?"

His body turns to face you again, his barely patched-up wound forgotten in the moment that felt ever-lasting, but not like how time stands still as you're enveloped in a kiss, but like a nightmare you can't escape from, where a moment lasts hours, where every scream is expelled in slow-motion and the monsters get closer and closer with each breath that gets lodged in your dry, hoarse throat.

"He tried to catch you, but couldn't. I think he took you back to the village. He didn't return after. They say..."

"They say he hasn't left your tent since. We've all been working, trying to get everyone back, ready for the funeral, but he... he never left the Tsa'hik's tent."

"You're wrong." What he was saying made no sense. Neteyam has done nothing but wish for your demise ever since you were both nothing more than mere children. His hatred never diminished through time, and neither did yours. You both despised each other more and more each day, with every year passed, with every instance in which neither of you relented or found it in you to be better and take the high road. This whole ordeal, this whole nightmare that only started when you woke up, it was his fault. The fact that so many people died, that you were in this state, that Oare.... fuck. Oare.

“Where are you going? You need to take it easy.” 

“I need to find her. I need to make sure she’s ok, she’s probably in pain and suffering and I should be the-“

You stop when you notice his grieving grimace, his eyes fixed on the ground, tears falling at his feet, that you followed from his eyes to their demise as they splattered on the ground, the droplets hitting your ankles in the process. 

“No.” 

Silence. Dead silence. Death silence. Silence that you couldn’t help fill with a crescendo of denial, louder and higher pitched with every new attempt. 

“No, please. Tell me you’re wrong.” 

“I saw her… in the lineup.”

“The lineup?” 

“Of all the dead… dead animals and na’vi. So many of them, i lost count. She was there… I’m so sorry.” 

Your tears mingled with his own as they collapsed on your feet and on the grass, and you forgot for a second of your rule - no crying in front of people. You forgot this as you forgot everything else, even your own name pushed from your memory as it was flooded instead with images of her, of your sister, that you loved so much, that you cherished deeply, that you thought you’d be able to for the rest of your life, that you were now told was gone, taken from you, in spite of you… because of you.

“No…Oare, no…”

“She’s with Eywa now… I’m so sorry.”

You said, "Let's make ourselves our very own brigade, this love our shield, our blade" Oh, but darling do you see the cuts from which I bleed? It's me you've slain

"Have you seen her? Have you seen syä?"

"What do you mean, Lo'ak?"

"She's gone, bro. She's not in grandmother's tent anymore."

Neteyam felt the blood drain from his face and settle at the soles of his feet, trickling through and into the ground, until he was so empty he felt faint, he felt like he would never be the same again. So many emotions tried him, from ecstatic relief that he couldn’t even explain to himself, at the fact that you were awake, and well enough to walk, to paralysing fear that overwhelmed him, at the fact you were out in your state, that you were gone Eywa knows where, at the fact he’s now going to have to face you and talk to you.

Too many things have changed in such a short amount of time, so many things he couldn’t make sense of or understand, too many revelations and the possibility of more, of the truth, that Neteyam dreaded. A lose-lose situation, his dad would call it - either he confronted you and you told him his father misunderstood, that it wasn’t true, that you too loved him the way he loved you, which meant the last seven years of both your lives, everything you have put each other through would have been for nothing, or his father was right, and having a confirmation of your lack of feelings, which is what he thought fuelled your actions all these years, which was a truth he avoided knowing for a fact for so long, and that might be too hard to bear after all.

“We have to find her, grandma said she shouldn’t be walking around.”

“I know where she is.”

He’s always known where you were when you wanted to be alone. He’s always known because it’s a place that used to be his, his secret spot, his uncharted paradise. A place that he showed to you when you were both children, and that became a safe heaven for the both of you in time, that you took from him after your unfortunate fallout. Just one more thing you ended up taking from him in time. He couldn’t have returned to this place anyway, not with all the memories of you that plagued it, that might as well have been enclosed in a room stuck in a past that he never wanted to revisit. 

It took him no time at all to find you, his mind disassociating from the walk, until it was like he blinked and he was there, in the clearing that he dreaded coming to, where the last time he came, he took it too far, the memory of the words that you spat at each other, the way his anger physically manifested itself for the first time in his life, the way he lost control of his emotions and his temper, it was all so ugly and unsightly, it hurt him even thinking about it.

Your back was turned to him as you lay on the edge of the lake, one leg dangling mindlessly in the water, and Neteyam’s heart dropped to his stomach at the sight of you - your hunched shoulders, so far removed from the awe-inspiring, empowered stance you normally displayed to people. Your tail was thrashing furiously from side to side, ears pushed flat against your head that rested on your bent knee, braided hair tousled and unkept as it fell over your face, shielding you from view. Neteyam didn’t even know whether he should speak - if there was still a voice in his throat that could push sounds out, and as he tried, he heard nothing, the only sound in his ears one of muffled, panted breaths and thunderous, erratic heartbeats, that somehow drowned everything else out. 

"Leave."

Neteyam ignored your words, all of his senses focused on your voice, on the sniffles that accompanied it, and what they represented. Neteyam has seen you cry only a couple times in all the time he's known you, and not once since your fallout. He was sure you would have rather swallowed a poisoned knife's blade than show weakness in front of him. He gulped audibly when he realised that if you did, that means you knew... if you did, there was no escaping the wrath that was currently embedded in your soul, that he wasn't sure would ever leave you again.

“Why are you here? You should be resting.”

He heard you scoff, bitterness laced through your voice that normally was sweet as a yovo fruit on a summer day, that now felt spoilt, like it had been left rotting on the ground, with no one the wiser.

“Since when do you care about my wellbeing, huh? Last thing I knew I could be dead in a ditch and you’d probably throw a party and dance over my grave. Leave me be, I don't want to deal with you right now.” 

"Txepvi... Just co-"

"Don't you dare call me that. You have long forsaken the right to call me that. Just fucking leave, Neteyam."

He felt anger pricking at him like a dagger he was all too familiar with, that was dull and middling, but whose sting still hurt if pushed into his skin at the correct angle, in the right spot, where he was weak.

"I'm not leaving until you get back to the tent. Tsa'hik's orders." That was a lie, but one he felt at liberty to make, since it was quite certain his grandmother would want you back resting, and not galavanting in the woods, with a wound that almost killed you, that made you easy prey for the apex predators lurking in the thick foliage.

I didn't obliterate these walls for you to come and raid my home And here you are right next to me Ironically, I've never felt more alone

“Why did you stay with me?” 

Whatever anger he had immediately dissipated like droplets water of a hot day, replaced by the same fear that was plaguing him early, that not even the adrenaline coursing through his veins could overpower. What was he supposed to say? It's not like he had an answer to give you - he couldn't even conceptualise it for himself, much less put it into words that would make sense, that would ever satisfy your morbid curiosity.

“Answer me, Neteyam.” 

“I don’t know.” 

You rose from your spot on the edge of the lake, and when you turned to face him and your eyes locked, his breath lodged in his throat. You looked anguished, sadder than he's ever seen you, puffy eyes so red, it scared him, cheeks purple and stained, and swollen, wet lips opened to accommodate the heaved breaths and quiet sobs that you tried your hardest to push down, so that he wouldn't see.

It was too late, now. He could see. He could see it all, and it scared him, what you were doing to him, these feelings that were rushing down with enough force to make him buckle under their weight, just like a waterfall that crashed into the river below, warping it with its power.

“No, we’re not doing this shit anymore. My ikran is dead. People are dead, Neteyam. All because of us, because this stupid war, that you caused. That you started. I’m done with the games, and the mystery, and your stupid mouth staying shut. You don’t know? Figure it out. Now.”

I fell for you faster than I fell apart And I guess I'm the one to blame for letting myself fall too hard

"I don't fucking know, OK? I just needed to - fuck. I needed to make sure you'll live."

"Why?! Why the fuck would you care if I live or die? Why? You haven't cared for more than half our lives, and now, when you would have been more useful on the battlefield, when you could have prevented this mess that you caused to begin with, now you want to play the fucking hero?"

“That I started? Are you hearing yourself right now? I wasn’t the one that pushed, and pushed, and pushed until whatever thread it was that still bound us together turned from wool to steel and snapped, yawne. You made it your life purpose to ruin mine, at every turn, in every way imaginable, for years. I did nothing to you, damn it. I just stopped talking to you. I didn’t hurt you, or purposefully tried to make you ache or suffer, I tried to keep my mouth shut and go about my life, without infringing on yours. I didn’t do anything to hurt you, for fuck’s sa-“

“You keeping your mouth shut and going about your life as if your life wasn’t impermeably connected to mine was what fucking hurt me, Neteyam! You saying nothing, doing nothing, acting like I didn’t exist, like I was just a toy you outgrew, that was worse than anything I could have ever fucking done to you, don’t you understand that? Do you understand that you abandoned me? Me, Neteyam, the person who was always there for you, the person who always had your back. Your best friend, your confidant, your training buddy, your sister. I was everything to you, and you just acted like that meant nothing at all."

"It meant everything! And my father fucking ruined it, and you ruined it. You ruined it, and I'll never, ever forgive you." the intensity behind his eyes, glistening with unshed tears that reflected the rays of the sun hitting his golden irises, the ones that put stars to shame and brought you to your knees, scared you. You came here to cry, and let it out. You came here to mourn. You didn't expect this. Didn't want this. But, for the first time in years, Neteyam was talking to you. Neteyam was telling you truths buried deep within his soul, deep behind walls you've tried to climb and pierce through longer than you wanted to admit to, and given the little crack of light you saw shine through, you knew you couldn't let this opportunity pass you by.

"What do you mean?"

He looked tired, you realised faintly. It was true... he did stay with you. His face was sunken and caved in, dark purple bags under his eyes, and you traced the tears that brightened his tanhì momentarily, as they caressed his skin, before falling down his neck.

"Tell me it's not true, what you said to him all those years ago. Tell me he didn't hear you right. That he misunderstood."

"Who?"

"My dad. I heard him... telling my grandmother that you'd never want to mate with me. Or be Tsa'hik. He said you said that. Tell me he was wrong. Tell me I was wrong for believing him. Tell me I was an idiot for not coming to you sooner, for shutting you out of my life. For letting this break me. Please."

Shock stilled you in your spot, replacing blood with current that electrified every ounce of your being. What? After all this time, so much time that kids were born and grew up, time in which you watched Tuk go from barely a babe to a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, beautiful girl, time in which you gained and lost your ikran, in which you gained a family and lost the future you thought you were always made for, next to the person you thought you'd always have your back... so much time has passed, and to hear it, the reason, was so unbelievable it didn't feel like it was real. You thought about the conversation that he was referring to, that you had with Jake in what feels like a completely life to the one you were currently living. He did ask you, and you did say...

"He wasn't wrong."

I ripped my heart out and put it in your hands in hopes that we'd put up a fight How paradoxical, since now all I can think about is when will we stop trying

You watched as the intensity on his face was decimated in an instant, his eyes blank and distant as all life seemed to drain from them as you spoke words that you spat without truly even thinking about it. Oare's death, still so fresh in your mind, hurt so much, made every fibre of your being scream in agony, and this new revelation, of the reason of her death being attributed to something you said as a little kid in passing, that he overheard and never bothered to fact-check, made what little sanity you had left to evaporate and what remained was a bitter precipitate of fury and pain, that you wanted him to feel, that you needed to inflict.

"This is why Oare's dead? This is why so many people are dead, because of one comment I made to your father seven years ago in passing? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Your teeth were bared as you spoke, and the emptiness behind his eyes was replaced with furious anger as he listened, as he realised you had no intention of putting his mind or heart at ease, as you realised he didn't deserve it. Not after everything that's happened, not after the way your soul crashed and imploded inside your body at the guilt that ate you alive, that churned and ground your bones into fine dust, guilt that will never, ever leave you.

“I was just a fucking child, don’t you understand that? Do you understand how insane it is to punish me for something that happened when I was just twelve years old?!"

“Well, you know what? I was also just twelve years old! And I loved you, Vi.” The break in his voice hurt you, like a shard of glass plunged in the soft of your skin, and you looked down to try to see if blood was coming out of the wound that wasn't there. There was nothing. Just emptiness, like the vast chasm that separated you, that always will, no matter the fact he was so close to you, you could feel his breath over your face, your scent in your nostrils, his glistening eyes big as planets, eyes you could get lost in easily, you could fall into as easily as falling asleep.

Seeing the unshed tears once more made tears gather in your own. The nickname, that you haven’t heard in all these years, that felt like a relic from a life long forgotten, long forsaken, knocked the air out of you, just as much as his vulnerability, that you weren’t used to seeing anymore did.

“I fucking loved you. You were everything to me. And you broke me.” 

“I had to watch you prove me right every day of my life. Watched as you fought every day to push me away from my own family, and my own dad, who obviously always found you better than me. Watched as you moved on, with no issue, and dated Na’vi after Na’vi, letting them touch you and kiss you, knowing I could see it, in practice, where I always was, I- “

“You fucking did the same thing! You pushed me away, you never talked to me. You abandoned me, without as much as a goodbye. Without any explanation. You fucked girls anywhere I could see, behind my tent, so I could hear you. You chose them all so they bore no resemblance to me, so I could know how much you hated me, every time I saw their faces. You ruined my relationship with the one person who loved me, who was good for me. You fu-"

All you do is blindside me, it's hard to be brave But when the night cuts into the day, it's your love I crave I must've thanked my lucky stars too much They left me sitting in too much dust

Your sentence was cut short by a pair of lips crashing into yours, soft and desperate, clinging on to you like his fingers were wrapped tightly around your throat, like if letting go was unimaginable, like it was too painful to envision. In your dreams, Neteyam's lips were bruising and calloused and cold, and no matter how fiercely you wanted to protest, no matter how much you hated yourself for it, they were the only lips you ever dreamt about. And yet right now, they were nothing like you imagined, nothing like you feared, and despite the hurt, and the pain and the anguish and the anger, despite it all, you couldn't help reciprocating, couldn't help the moan the left you as his other hand found your hips, holding you impossibly closer, while your own hands found the back of his neck and his hair, that you tugged on until he growled. When he broke the kiss and looked at you, hunger and ache clear in his bright eyes, that looked more black than yellow as his hand found your jaw, that he lifted to tilt your head back, pushing his thumb past your lips so you'd keep quiet, you let out a small whimper, and watched as his pupils dilated even more, almost overtaking his beautiful, molten irises.

"Just...Stop talking."

His lips found the place on your jaw where his fingers just were, and the feeling of him on you burned like molten lava, and you push your head back, giving him access to all of you. Your mind felt numb - a battle within itself as it was trying to come to terms with all the  crushing emotions that were fighting for dominion over your thoughts and your soul, each one more devastating than the last - from the guilt that you knew would plague you for the rest of your life, that you didn’t think you’d ever be able to overcome, to the grief of losing your spirit sister, to confusion over what you were doing, over wondering if this was a mistake, to the sadness at Neteyam’s confession and the knowledge he loved you, and you pushed him away without meaning to, to earth-shattering anger at the realisation that this whole ordeal started over nothing and could have been solved if he only ever talked to you and finally, to the hatred that still blossomed, even after all this time, and finally, the desire, pure, unadulterated desire to have him, to be owned, to know what it feels like to be wholly his. You didn’t know which one would win, but you could only hope there’ll still be something left of you when the battle found its victor in the midst of all the chaos. 

He was rough as he pushed you until you tipped backwards, but his caress was gentle as he caught you and made sure you weren't hurt as your body hit the damp, soft grass. When he spread your legs and kneeled in between them, you knew you whatever ounce of self-restraint you had was swiftly thrown out the window, and you knew the relief you'd get to feel once he was done with you would be worth the regret in the morning - at least, it felt so right now. His fingers dug into your thighs as they massaged upwards, from your shins to your hips, and when both his thumbs caressed the sensitive spot at the edge of your loincloth, your breath hitched in your throat, silently begging him for more, hoping he wouldn't make you say words out loud you could never take back.

As if he could hear your thoughts, he spoke, his hands stilling on the knot of your tewng.

"Tell me you want this. I need to know you want this, or I stop."

You hissed at him, conflicted beyond words and reason, because no, of course you didn't. But yes, you did. Of course you did.

"I hate you. I fucking hate you, Neteyam."

At your words, his hands dropped from your hips and in an instant, he was on top of you, his gaze stopping the breath in your lungs as he looked at you, his hand gripping your throat once more, the aggressive gesture at odds with the softness in his eyes and the way he was caressing your jaw in barely-there touches with his thumb.

"I hate you more. So much more. I still need an answer, yawne."

You stared daggers at him, and refused to talk, but as you wrapped your fingers around his cummerbund and pulled him in, until his lips met yours in a messy kiss of teeth and tongues, throbbing deep in you at the way he moaned in your mouth, you knew words were meaningless, and words couldn't convey the feelings that tormented you, anyway. You reached for his tewng and masterfully unwrapped it, feeling his cock spring free and slap against your abdomen, and the weight of it made you gasp, a smirk erupting from his face in response.

You needed him. You needed him to numb the pain the he created, that you created, you needed the emptiness that came from being filled to the brim, the fleeting peace that would come with the high that you knew he could provide, because it hurt. It all hurt, and you couldn't stand it. You reached your hand and wrapped your fingers around his length, your slick leaving a wet patch in the fabric, that was increasing in size by the second, just at the thought of how he'd feel stretching you out. He let out a small groan at the way you were caressing him, running your thumb over the slit, smearing the precum that was leaking, that you felt a sudden urge to taste.

"F-fuck!"

"Take off my tewng, Neteyam."

"For once in your life, you will not get to dictate how this goes."

Despite his words, he listened, and you winced at the weight of his body being lifted off you, instantly missing the contact and comfort it provided. But he wasn't gone long, as he removed your clothes, and you tried not too think of how good his gaze felt on you, how empowering the desire in his eyes as he took you in, how he had to lick his lips and swallow audibly, as if he was a starved man in a desert, and you were his fata morgana.

He took no time in attaching himself to you again, the thick head of his cock prodding at your entrance, and the velvety feel of him against your folds involuntarily makes you shut your eyes closed and your head push back, need heightening at the way he starts licking and sucking at your breast, leaving purple marks in the wake of his lips and tongue, that you want on every inch of you, that you wanted to cum on as he made your knees buckle and your vision spot.

His face finds a home in the crook of your neck as he slides inside you, taking his time to feel you, every inch of your walls, as they stretched to accommodate for his size, and it feels so good, too good, his cock in you, his tail around your thigh, his fingers tracing soothing patterns on your skin, or gripping at your waist, his breath on your neck, his teeth sinking in you so he could stop himself from telling you all the confessions bubbling in his chest, all the ways it's all making sense to him now, that he's never hated you, he's just hated not having you, not being able to call you his. Still, as he bottoms out in you, he can't help some of them from spilling out, the dam of his heart slowly coming apart at the seams.

"It had to be someone who had no resemblance to you. It had to, Vi. Don't you understand? Because any time I looked at anyone, I saw you in them. Their eyes, or lips, their tanhì or stripes, even the smallest similarity killed me, reminded me how much I hate you, how much I want to, how much I don't. I've wanted to hate you so much, I tried so hard, but you were in every dream, in every fantasy, you haunted me my whole life."

You did understand. You understood too well. That's why you chose O'i'en. Because he was nothing like the Neteyam you came to know in the years you became an adult. Because his touch was warm and made you feel nothing. Because his eyes bore no resemblance to his, the glimmer of amber nothing like the green flickers that felt like were Eywa's inspiration for the forest that surrounded you; O'i'en's tanhì were scattered like light through the leaves and branches of the trees, unlike Neteyam's, which were like the star dust that created all life in the Universe, that shone brighter than any light post, that shone so brightly, they led you home every night when you were young.

The tears gathered in your eyes as he started a steady pace of his hips, conflicting feelings tugging at the string of your already broken and torn apart heart, whose heart beats felt dragging and echoing, different to the two sounds you were used to, instead pulsating three syllables throughout your whole body, enveloping you and taking over your mind, forcing you to come to terms with issues you thought you buried so deeply, you'd never have to see again.

I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you, I hate you....

I love you.

"Neteyam..."

"I know. You're doing so well for me. So well. Fuck, you feel so, so good."

You moan at his words, the desire bubbling inside of you quickly reaching heights you wouldn't mind falling from, being pushed from, so you could feel the euphoria that came along with falling, without having to worry about the inevitable crash that would follow, at least not right now.

"I can feel you squeezing me. Come for me, yawne. I need to feel you come all over my cock."

For the first time since he's called you that, the term of endearment didn't feel ironic or facetious, and for once in your life, you had no problem obeying his orders - when you came, you came violently, legs shaking and back arched, whimpers and moans pushing past your lips unrestrained, and the sounds made his cock twitch inside of you, his own orgasm so close he could taste it. He lets you ride your high fully before pulling out of you, thick ropes of iridescent cum painting your abdomen and chest, that, in your fucked out mind, you almost wish painted your still-throbbing walls instead.

You know all my dreams, you were one, so it seemed And I love you but with you, it's heartache I breathe You gave it your all, just with everything you took from me

It was almost... domestic, the way he was asleep peacefully next to you, his breath so steady and deep, and so relaxed, it almost sounded like purring, his strong, muscular arms holding you close as you lay on your back, looking at the stars, bright, blurry orbs through the distorted lens of your tears, that couldn't stop falling, no matter how much you willed them away. The crash did come eventually, in the few hours since, and it felt like it broke all your bones in the process.

"You and me, we're meant to rise and fall together."

Those words, that became the overarching theme of your relationship, words that you never realised when you spoke them as a child that you would both take so literally, rang in your ears like a broken record your mind could no longer turn off. You were right, all those years ago. Even back then, you knew. You and Neteyam did rise together. From children to adults, from pupils to teachers, from toy soldiers to hardened warriors, rose you did, until you were so high up, the air was thin and suffocating. But nothing compared to your penchant for falling. You fell hard, from grace, from cloud nine, for the other's other schemes and plots, for your own compulsions, obsessions and greedy desires, and mostly, for each other. Your relationship was fire and ice, it was everything and nothing all at once, a war you fought and a war you lost, a war in which innocents had to die and lives were lost, a war you were finally tired of.

You and Neteyam rose and fell together, over and over again, your whole lives. A twisted carousel that wouldn't stop until one of you jumped off it, and with Oare's death, and the shame that followed it, you finally realised it had to be you.

In the early hours of the morning, after a quick wash in the cold lake, you found your way back to the village and straight to the Tsa'hik's tent. You were happy to see her, and nervous to talk, but you knew the quicker you got it out, the quicker it would be over. So with a deep breath, you spoke your piece, and hoped she'd listen.

“Ma Tsa’hik. I’m here to ask you to let me out of this arrangement. Please. I can’t do this, not with Neteyam. I’m done.”

Oh, my love Is this the end for us? Maybe we've had enough

taglist: @fanboyluvr @theycallmesia @afro-hispwriter @soleilmoon @crazy4books1 @bakugouswaif@randxmthxughts @xreadersstuff @sirezaya @kimberlyshailany-blog @gyuventure @jujudsmyst @kikookii @nxptury @nonniesworld @koing-slvt @bakugouswaif @isnt-itstrange @tpwkforevermore @alahamums @tallulah477 @gknj9495@aquamarine001 @itssomeonereading @yumimak@sweetbread-m@eqgroil @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @juneonhoth @yagirlheree @jackiehollanderr @legendarynoodlebowl @iameatingmyhair @justasimps-blog@hannabanana-09 @xylianasblog @misscaller06 @yeosxxx @myh3artttt @teyamsbitch@musicownsme @i-live-in-a-fantasy-daydream @zoetrope1997 @itsmy-alteregohere @ntymavtr @curlszx88 @maki-z @riatesullironalite @baahsaama @luna-salem @teyamtesuli @koing-slvt @call-me-doll-face @puresirius-things @saturniac @call-me-doll-face @dreaming-of-the-reality @whorefortim

(sorry if i missed anyone this list is getting so longgg)

[sanguinewolves]

spotify developers shut the fuck up and stop trying to seem cool and leave my home page alone for ONE GODDAMN DAY challenge. this isnt funny or relatable, its just fucking annoying.

[seraphsfire]

hey y’all i know i said i was going to report back on rings of power and i knew it obviously at this point wasn’t using any lore from the text so instead I was curious what their plan was and I didn’t expect this but they fucking ruined Hobbits. I’m. Legitimately angry, which is why i just want to kind of. warn people. I don’t anticipate really posting much more about it on this blog from now on.

I dont’ mean “ruined” as in “they look stupid”. This is beyond that. They made these brandyfoots cruel.

These hobbits live in groups of caravans and are nomadic. (and as those of you who have seen footage from the first two episodes know they are also extremely dirty and have super fake irish accents which is a conversation someone less tired can tackle)

Turns out with the brandyfoots if your caravan (or you) are too slow, they literally leave you behind to die. This is an issue because Nori’s dad has a broken ankle and her and her stepmom are legitimately afraid they’ll be left behind.

Before the hobbits begin each next migration they will sit there and read out the names of the people they left behind. This is called (and i’m being 100% truthful here) being “de-caravan-ed” 

they drink and look sad about most of the people that were de-caravaned and then a name of a hobbit who was left behind because bees chased him (???) is read and then they all start laughing and say “ha ha he was a bit of an eedjit.”

Anyway all I can describe the feeling of seeing a bunch of hobbits who live by a creed of strict social darwinism and leave people behind to die and then laughing about it as taking extreme psychic damage. 

hobbits are supposed to be good and wholesome and organized around community and family. That’s what hobbits are; i don’t have to tell any of you that because it’s common knowledge. The meanest hobbits get is stealing stuff. Maybe they’ll try to play it off as “oh those people didn’t die! they’re just alone forever!” but if they did that then it doesn’t make sense that they were crying about these people and repeatedly saying that Staying On The Trail Together is the “only way” brandyfoots survived. 

I suppose it could be some sort of obscure part of tolkien lore that i’ve forgotten about some bands of hobbits leaving people behind to die when they were traveling west. If so, please tell me what it says/where because im praying they did Not just go and do this for no reason. 

I was hanging on desperately by a thread hoping for at least internal consistency in this show. I wanted to see some cool scenery maybe, but i think atp ive given up. For instance, Galadriel is rescued by a ship full of numenoreans-- which she doesn’t recognize despite their extremely distinctive armor and ship and clothing and colors. I was like okay whatever. Then they come through the fog to numenor and she’s like OMG ive heard of this place! then later she’s explaining to this guy about how “our people were like kin for generations.” 

........but she doesn’t even know what the numenoreans look like???????she couldn’t even guess based on what they looked like and where in the ocean they were???

another instance of her (and the other elves who couldn’t figure it out) being incredibly stupid is that mark of sauron left on finrod is apparently literally just a map of mordor / the southlands, where the elves were having trouble with orc rumors and stuff already. their wisest elves didn’t even guess this for thousands of years. i could go on and on about that but since they’re obviously not following any of the text, pointing that out over and over again is kind of pointless. Anyway. I know i complained a lot about the first two episodes but episode three was somehow worse? at least the lack of internal consistency within the show itself seemed more blatant this time. And then of course the hobbits having this facade of cute dirtyness (??) but actually being cruel. I think i actually would have minded it less if they had a group of hobbits that were blatantly cruel because you could say they were affected by something. But this is somehow more disturbing. Idk.