#im late again but that's because i was socialising

[raggydollsscreenshots]

Posting screenshots from The Raggy Dolls every day until ITV puts it on ITVX: Day 184:

[phagodyke]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

[fandomsheadcannoms]

Hey um- got any jd headcanons?

He's so pathetic/aff and I think he deserves more love(bullying)

Hahaha yes

I also think he needs more love(bullying) hehe

John Dory Headcanons ~

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Brozone started when he, Spruce and Clay were young. They started it to help their parents with money as they were a lower-income family. Their parents supported this group, but their mother before every performance (big or small) said that the show had to be perfect. So gradually over time, John Dory developed OCPD, he needed everything to be perfect, perfect, perfect.

He regretted it as soon as he left his brothers. He had managed to safely leave the troll tree and Bergen Town, as soon as he left, he regretted it so so much, but he was still a kid and he was too scared to just turn around and go through all the Bergens again.

He lived on his own for many years, at least five years before he met Rondha. Back at the troll tree, he loved being outdoors, but then he wanted nothing more than to be warm inside his pod with his family.

Lowkey after being in the wild for so long he kinda forgot how to socialise with others like a normal troll. He just lives in his own world and talks to himself, occasionally including someone else in the conversation.

John Dory is the lightest sleeper ever, he had to keep an ear out for crying babies in the night and eventually any deadly creatures that might want to eat him.

He'll act all tough, but if you jump out and scare him he will scream like a five-year-old girl and probably pull out a knife from muses knows where to try and defend himself.

His goggles belonged to one of his parents (I haven't decided whether it was his mom or dad)

When he left he took one of Baby Branch's stuffed animals (Don't worry it wasn't Croco, Branch still has that one), he wanted something to remind him of his brothers and he holds onto it when he sleeps or has it in his hair when he's awake.

My dude has Eldest Daughter Syndrome.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Heyyy Im alive

Thank you so much for the ask I literally love John Dory (I hope he explodes<3)

Sorry for the late responses recently, my life got so busy like holy muses

But please don't stop sending in requests because of that, my time will be pretty free quite soon! Either way, I promise I will get to every single one even if I have to skip sleep haha

I love answering y'alls requests! Don't be afraid to bother me! (bc I promise I won't get bothered!!!)

[lucky-draws]

btw hi guys. [blows a cloud of dust into your face]. i miss being on here regularly but such is life. hope everypony is continuing to sparkle on. a few updates from me and the team. (?) longtime followers may be mourning the mgs content. as am i. but unfortunately i think i need at least another year before i can start to feel insane about mgs again. im kind of all metal geared out. those 2-3 years i spent being obsessed with it are kind of a distant fever dream now. it remains always in my heart brain and pussy forever but i'm just not in mgs mode right now. the ocie that lives in my brain is hibernating for a while. don't worry he's nice and warm and i have stocked up on tuna and wet food.

i guess my current interest is iwtv so you can expect to see some more of that. (a while back i watched the show then watched the film then read several of the books and now that ive recently caught up with s2 im back in vampire mode. i prefer the tv show versions of the characters so sorry but you won't be seeing me draw t*m cru*se lestat or ginger armand. i do enjoy the books though. when i go home at xmas i'll have them to hand and flicking though them again might spark me into feeling even more crazy.)

i keep wanting to draw more dr who stuff but never getting round to it but i remain optimistic that i will do at some point. who knows. "WHO" knows ! . ha ha.

i also very recently got into bbc cult sci-fi sitcom red dwarf (1988-present) and im feeling the urge to draw some red dwarf stuff (for the handful of people who care) because it's extremely silly and what this blog and indeed myself need is a return to silliness. so if i suddenly start drawing d lister and gay rimmer and their funny friends you've been warned.

i sort of want to draw more random stuff outside of frequent interests tbh. like ive been watching/rewatching a lot of movies lately and id kind of like to draw bits and bobs pertaining to various movies whenever the whim strikes. so if i suddenly put withnail and the titular i on your dash you have also been warned of this.

however i should say that regardless of what i am drawing i might not be able to post often because unfortunately i have a bit more of a life now than i did previously. i socialise a bit and go to the pub with friends sometimes this sort of thing. it's quite jolly id recommend. i also might be working after xmas on top of uni work so i don't know if ill have time to draw much. i want to though. so i probably will anyway. fuck my grades. #cool

anyway i think this concludes my message. basically thank you to all followers old and new for being here. let's continue to stay silly together. happy holidays etc.

lucky

Lucky D. Raws | CEO of SillyBlogging

* if you would like to opt out of future newsletters and marketing emails, please click this link to unsubscribe.

[liamrrys]

your modern sotcn headcanons are giving me LIFE i need to hear all of them forever actually eva and rame being lawyers just makes SENSE it's like you got a vision from the characters themselves

anyway: modern sotcn where they're at a gala for their firm and they meet the characters from Laws of Attraction (and Thomas Mendez cuz why not) 😭😭 who are from a rival firm and chaos ensues maybe Livius was invited as a friend of a friend, and Amen was there to investigate Eva and Rame's firm

yay!! i'm so glad you like them!! i've been putting them out into the void for my own guilty pleasure, so it's so fun 2 see others enjoying them too!!!

YES!! i love a gala sideplot unfortunately i don't remember much of laws of attraction im so sorry </3

funnily enough i like to think that livius was invited as rame's unofficial +1 😭

eva's +1 to these events will always be isman. that's her brother, that's her boy, roomies 4 life. however, isman doesn't really want to be in a room filled with stuffy lawyers (which is fair enough) and asks if he can bring a friend from work.

eva asks who he's bringing, and if it's anyone special. she makes fun of him for working so hard, that the only friend he's made so far is his boss.

livius also finds it amusing, but because he's a bit of a material girl and enjoys a bit of glamour in his life — he'll never turn down a gala. he might even use this time to make connections on behalf of the hospital.

eva grits through her teeth when she shuffles to rame's work cubicle, coffee in hand, looking unbearably and uncharacteristically sheepish.

she places the coffee down gently on his table.

he looks up at her, slightly confused, and back down at his work. "who the hell are you and what did you do with evthys."

"ramesses... we're friends right?"

"not really." (he's smiling)

she asks if he could pretty please give his +1 invitation to her so that isman doesn't have to go by himself. rame pretends to think about it. he wasn't going to use it anyway. he just wanted to see eva squirm a little bit.

(dia and isman meet here for the first time. eva and rame are too busy checking each other out bickering outside of work hours to notice.)

as for amen:

being in a room full of people who wanted him dead was not the way he wanted to spend his saturday evening, but when duty calls, it calls.

when the mayor wants a representative from the police department, it's not easy to decline, so much to his protest, he attends with his second-in-command, titian.

titian's chatty abrasive (though surprisingly charming) attitude saves him from having to do any real socialisation himself. the con is that he gets along with them too well, and kind of leaves him stranded for the rest of the night.

literally nothing this dude hates more than lawyers and pleasantries — and yet here he was.

it's a little funny to see someone so imposing as amen look so out of his element. livius sees amen from a distance. recognises his white hair and alabaster skin. an old patient of his.

(livius helped perform extraocular muscle surgery on him to alleviate some of the pain he experiences due to his ocular albinism during his first year of medical residency.)

he taps him on the shoulder and hands him a drink. "i take it you recovered well."

"doctor pella." amen's rbf softens at the sight of him. there's even a hint of a smile if you look hard enough. "it's good to see you again." he takes the drink offered. "i trust you survived your residency?"

"by the skin of my teeth, detective." he clinks his glass to amen's. "tell me what you've been up to lately."

[outragedslime]

its been so long since i used tumblr as a kinda diary lol but i would like to ramble about my thoughts more often so i may do it again

thought of the day: its so weird trying to get help for things you struggle with and not getting it because you prepared yourself for that support meeting, and so you "seem capable" and not get that support. ill ramble a little about it under the cut but this is mostly related to autism and employment #pensive #thoughtful

i was diagnosed earlier this year with autism and a large part of my issues relate to social interactions and strong anxiety surrounding them (even posting this is taking a lot out of me, ive stopped posting much other than my art lately because of social anxiety, but im trying to change that). in february i went to a college counsellor to ask for advice on how to get hired because i knew ill get into the situation im in currently, where im jobseeking and unable to get in anywhere because a large part of finding employment especially in the circles relating to my degree is networking and connecting to people.

he didnt really offer anything because "well, you seem to communicate with me today just fine" which 😭 i was so anxious for that meeting and it took me months to schedule it, i prepared for every possibility in my head meticulously so i had a script of what to say. the issue is, in my day to day, i cannot plan this kind of stuff. i dont know how to reach out to employers in a way that is polite and not too much, but still shows my enthusiasm. i dont know how to connect. lately its been stopping me from applying at all. (on that note, i know a "bad" application is better than no application, and ive been trying to apply everywhere. i just think im getting a bit overwhelmed with it now)

ive reached a stage in the job hunt where i honestly feel a little burnt out. i havent sent in a single application in the last 3 days which i feel awful about bc my mom will be expecting an update soon on how the job hunt is going.

its just wild to me how im in this position even though i tried reaching out for the supports to prevent it, but when i did, i "seemed capable" on the day which took many breakdowns to prepare for, so i got a pat on the back and nothing else. i wish i was able to socialise better sfsdgdf not just in employment but in general life too, but yea rn im rly feeling it with the unemployment blues 😩

[iamsherlocked1479]

Heal

Dr Strange x Reader

Warnings: none, just fluff

Descriprion: Why is stepen wearing those silly yellow gloves?

Word count: 1.5K

He told you to stay in the sanctum, his exact words where “i can only trust you, it won't be long, then you can go back to your training.” You lied in the spear room of New York's sanctum, he was called out to a mission. Doctor Strange that was, the man who had been assigned your group at kamar taj, since wong was now sorcerer supreme you guessed he was trying to help his friend socialise more. But unfortunately he had just grunted and groaned as he unwillingly taught your class mostly showing up late each lesson. He must have felt that you had the same emotions towards human contact because he had asked you of all peopl to baby sit his sanctum while the avengers pulled him away to some “space shit” as he called it.

You sighed and rolled off the bed and wandered the empty halls. It was nice enough, but gave huge haunted mansion bibes, you wandered past the only closed door and curiosity had got the better of you, it wasn’t like you had anything better to do afterall. And now you stood in his bedroom, it felt wrong like you might has well have just walked in on him naked. His room was pretty average, the bed messy with pillows all over the place. He must have gotten up in a rush. His ipad screen blinked in as you walked past, highlighting what he was looking at, it was an x-ray of some pretty messed up hands, “he must have been reminiscing on an old case” you thought.

You scoffed at the sight of him having an ensuite, you had to walk all the way downstairs and practically the otherside of the sanctum while he was sitting up here all high and mighty with a shower that stayed the same temperature for more than three seconds. You snooped around in his bathroom, like his bedroom it was fairly average. You opened the cupboard above his sink, you were surprised to see the endless amounts of sleeping pills, each box stacked neatly on top of the other, part of you felt sorry for him, something obviously kept him very awake at night and judging by the different brands he hadn’t found anything that could keep him asleep at night. You walked out of the bathroom feeling guilty, it was obvious he didn’t want you in here, this was the part of Stephen only he knew and now you felt like you had violated that. 

You walked past the dresser stopping to pick up the broken watch placed neatly in the centre, he obviously hadn’t had time to fix it. You almost added to the smashed face when the sound of cluttering echoed down the halls, the sounds of something falling off a shelf startling you out of the room. You closed the door softly and walked to the noise to find Stephen in front of a mirror cursing with a bloody face.

“Everything alright?” You called out as you walked down the stairs 

“What?” He looked at you and his brow raised slightly at the sight in your pyjamas, he hadn’t seen you in shorts that small before “oh it's you, yeah, uh thanks for looking after the place. Did i wake you?”

“No i uh, couldn’t sleep” you suddenly felt conscious that you were in minimal clothing and did your best to pull your t-shirt down. You looked as he seemingly ignored your presence again and grunted as he tried to pick up the shattered mirror shards.

“You know it would be easier if you took off those gloves to pick them up” you pointed out as he struggled to grip the shards.

“Trust me it wouldn’t.” He grunted again

“You’re hurt.” You said walking over to the mess

“Im fine” he said

“Let me help.” You bent down and began picking up the mirror 

“I don't need your help i- arghh.” He gripped his side and winced

“You’re hurt” you gripped his forearm and pulled him up towards a chair and slumped him into it.

“You know i used to be a doctor-“ he watched as you used your basic sorcery to summon a med kit

“Yea i know, but i’ve never seen a doctor fix themself.” You say undoing his top robes

“At least buy me a drink first.” He said sarcastically as you looked up at him unamused, applying slightly too much pressure on his wound causing him to wince slightly.

“Just sit still, you’re also late. You said you wouldn’t be long, that was a week ago.” You said as you began cleaning his wound.

“Yeah well time is different in space, are you using the alcohol wipes?” He said watching you work

“Sure, stop trying to doctor me, I know what I'm doing, this is gonna need stitches.” You say opening up his robes more to reveal the gash across his chest.

“I can do it” he begins to get up and you stop him

“You couldn’t pick that glass up, you can’t stitch yourself up.” He winces slightly as you slide the needle through his flesh. “It would help if you took those off” you referenced the bright yellow gloves he wore which were now stained with drooplets of bronze blood.

“No, keep them on.” He clenched his fists “I don’t need a reminder of my failures.” He said, you paused slightly

“What failures could the infamous Doctor Strange possibly have.” You said tieing the last stitch.

“You’d be surprised” he huffed, you noticed the growing blood stains on his gloves.

“Can i atleast sort your hands out? They're clearly injured and it's not good to keep them in gloves like this.” You say as you hold his hands in yours

“No” he pulls away “they’ll be fine.”

“Stephen” your brow furrowed “let me see” he didn’t fight anymore as you gently pulled off the yellow gloves, you tried your best not to look shocked as his hands were uncovered revealing the large scars.

“Not what you were expecting?” He looked away ashamed and retracted his hands from yours

“Stephen-“

“No i get it,” he cut you off “let me guess you’re so sorry” he looked at you.

“Yes but” you looked at him and he gave you that dumb ‘i was right look’ “stop being a baby and let me sort out your hands.” You grabbed them a little rougher than necessary but he got the message and gave a little chuckle in compliance.

“Not squeamish then?” He said as you rand the the cloth over his scared fingers

“I don't judge people by their scars, you shouldn’t have to wear gloves though. Kamar-taj is a place of forgiveness, i doubt people would care about a few scars.” You dabbed his hand as he sighed

“I would, i mean i do.” He watched you work as he continued “it's just a reminder of everything i’ve lost, my work chris-“ he stopped 

“So what? Think of what you’ve gained.” You looked up at him and could’ve sworn his eyes were growing red from a build of tears “Stephen, you’ve achieved so much in the short time you’ve been here, you shouldn’t dwell on the past. If you do, it will haunt you forever.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of you, you took a moment to really look into his eyes, all you could see was him, the real him, he wasn’t stubborn or selfish. He was sensitive and guilt ridden.

He looked in your eyes and for the first time in a long time he saw hope, hope that maybe his life wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. He cleared his throat snapping the two of you out of your trance 

“Right, well you’re all patched up” you got up and cleared away the bloodstained wipes. 

“Thank you, for this and watching the sanctum.” He got up brushing himself off. “I uh, i'm going to get some sleep.” 

“Yeah, you need it.” You joked as he walked away.

You didn’t see him for a few days, you had made your way back to kamar-taj and had managed to catch up with the lessons you had missed. Then finally you saw him, you were walking to a class when his voice echoed from the garden, there he stood with master Wong and he waved at you. You smiled as you saw his gloveless hands, his sling ring finally fitting on his hands without the gloves causing it to be too tight. And that made you smile, to see that finally he had let someone talk some sense into that ego.

And when he saw you, he just saw it again, hope.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Hey guys, wow its been so long, I hope you enjoyed this, t was getting difficult to right smut as it always ends up being the same and i'm never happy wth the results, so I thought I woukd switch it up a little and write some fluff. I've always wondered why they gave Stephen those yellow gloves in Ragnarok so i thought i'd make a fic of it.

[lucabyte]

hi im the anon who asked for ocs

thank you so much i love them so much

Im so happyy and gwaaghhh love your art and ocs so much and the worldbuilding seems so cool!!!!

erm i have not yet read all the linked things (hehehe soon SOOON) and literally would love to know even more about ALL OF THEM so uhhh *spins the wheel* tabitha

Hiiiiii!!! Cradles this ask in my hands like a baby bird. Thabmk you..... I have been staring at this ask periodically for days because I wanted to do some little explainer charts and do it justice for how kind you've been :')

Anyway!!! Tabitha is the funniest character to ask about first because he's like a fucked up little lodestone for MYMK's various factions.

Tabitha is.... A sleepy little (38 year old) guy. He has never done anything notable in his whole life ever.

... So he's the son of the richest man in the country. Not that he tries to think about that particularly often. His partner also doesn't think much about it since... Well, it doesn't really come up? Neither like their family so neither talk about nor visit them. And Chrome first got endeared to Tabitha after dragging his malnourished ass off the office floor a few dozen times when he'd passed out at work. He's clearly not bougie (and Chrome was relatively middle class anyway).

Eeeeeveryone else in Cliffside though (who's politically aware) is just, so suspicious of his sleepyhead ditzy guy demeanor. There's no way he's really that clueless and dim-witted.

Which... Is true. He's not dim-witted, just spacey and has internalised that all of his knowledge is worth absolutely nothing an undiagnosed autistic man who is finally in a low-stress environment.

So he's generally spending most of his days reading wikipedia, sitting in the sun on an unfinished porch, or doing the bare-minimum work he needs to pretend to still be employed. (He's still a music producer, just one that is very VERY derivative of his peers...)

(pictured: Tabitha bangin out the tunes)

But yeah! He's genuinely a chill dude. But once the plot gets rolling he does become an... Obvious hostage for the more dubious of our main characters. He's more fine with the hostage thing than the requirement he go deal with his family again.

But obviously things go a little awry when trying to use someone as a bargaining chip like this, even if they don't want to defect...

Which is where Tabitha's absoute UNINTENDED TRAIL OF DESOLATION rears its head. Turns out he uh, actually did have social connections before he up and vanished from all their lives? Turns out that um... You exist to other people?

Tabitha, high strung and basically constantly in meltdown mode in his late-teens early-20s did a lot of peacekeeping for his father. Peacekeeping between him, and the people that were Tabitha's childhood peers. It doesn't help that he was a good 5-8 years older than a lot of them, being somewhat of a cool older kid/teen/adult to look up to. And then! When he finally broke he just up and left, never really looking back.

It's hardly his fault, he was under a lot of pressure and was hardly properly socialised for this... But these are the sharks he'll be thrown to should he end up anywhere near his old haunts. Which he is. And will end up being. If he is perhaps brought there by our well meaning protagonists. Oops.

I like Tabitha a lot and he's a particularly deep side-character of mine. Functioning as an obstacle, ally, win condition... And very dangerous 'I'll kill everyone in the room and then myself' for Chrome should something happen to him. So be careful! He's fragile! And don't forget he has thoughts of his own, too...

I have a longer diatribe (Link!) detailing his whole backstory and meta-backstory (he's built out of psychoanalysed anime tropes!) so I wanted to talk about his actual um. Plot role and relationships outside of Chrome a bit! (BECAUSE HIS RELATIONSHIP TO CHROME IS VERY SWEET AND IS MY HOMEGROWN OTP BUT ALSO. THEY ARE CODEPENDENT. BADLY.)

He's fun because he is basically One Of The Villains who fucked off before too much villain shit went down. Which makes him silly as a supporting character. Gotta make sure he doesn't eat too much of the screen-time though.... (He gets enough in Purrgatorio...)

But yeah. Diversity win! This vaguely asexual autistic guy has managed to find a loving partner and a life that doesn't make his head feel like its filled with bees! It's filled with mostly cotton instead now but! He is okay.

Aaaand IMAGE BLAST

... Oh good lord Chrome and Tabitha will be turning 10 years old for real next year also. 11th of November 2015. What a time. Can you believe that I originally made him to be in his like, 20s? Fucked up. He should probably be older than 38 tbf but at this point the timeline is locked in. But god. 10 years. Happy upcoming birthday boys.

[heartyearning]

☀️ SUMMER READING WRAP UP ☀️

i read like 30+ books in july & august & wanted to do a quick little summary of that here bc i read some absolute bangers. in no partic order + these are only the good ones bc i dont need to talk about [title redacted bc im nice]

headshot by rita bullwinkel: i got this in a bookstore near my sister's art uni & you could tell it was an artunibookstore bc there were so many books i'd never heard of but this one is SO up my alley. it's about a group of teenage girls in a boxing competition and follows each of their matches from the perspectives of the girls. they don't talk to each other so they each have this really skewed vision of the other person, especially considering that there's a competitive aspect to what they're doing anyway & the fact that none of these girls feel like they're respected in their day-to-day lives. if you're a teen following me you NEED to pick up this book, i felt like it so perfectly encapsulates that feeling of being 15-17 esp if you're socialised as a girl. everything is both grandiose and gritty at the same time, these girls have FEELINGS pouring out of their ears and it is so so so well written. absolutely loved it. also look at this cover:

LOVED!

big swiss by jen beagin: this is kind of in the same vein as headshot & generally in the same vein of a lot of general fiction i've been into lately. i've known about it for a while but did wonder whether it was worth getting it / whether it would do more than just scratch the itch that i already had scratched after reading headshot & let me tell you it absolutely did. big swiss follows a transcriber of a new york sex therapist who accidentally meets and becomes involved with one of his patients. greta, the protagonist, has got a lot of weird habits and thought-patterns but since the book is written from her pov it's easy to go along with the idea that this all isn't THAT weird until it really starts to be reflected back at her through other people when big swiss starts talking about her in the therapy sessions greta transcribes and onwards. it's really good, i also love that greta's a bit older than a lot of the protagonists in books like these that i've read. i also love this cover with the painting on it but i personally had a copy with an illustration of big swiss & greta's dogs (even tho piñon was brown on the cover, not black, but i'm letting it go) which was very cute as well.

chouette by claire oshetsky: iykyk. this book is really good for many reasons but let me introduce it by saying it was good because it handles a VERY tricky subject matter and does so with incredible grace. chouette follows the birth and childhood of chouette, an owl-baby which came about after Tiny had sex with her female owl lover in a dream. (i don't have my copy with me rn but the opening line is something along the lines of "it was a shock to me when i discovered i was pregnant after i dreamt i had sex with an owl lover, especially because my owl lover was a woman." <- that but like. good writing. i wish i could remember the phrasing better) in this book the concept of an "owl baby" is actually a stand in for having a child with mental development issues. chouette is an owl-baby in a world of dog-children, that sort of thing. i was very cautious when reading this book bc it's told from the pov of tiny, who doesn't always love being a mother (and i'm sensitive about that topic so i didn't really know how i'd respond to this) and also the subject matter in general can go wrong in so many different ways. chouette is really good though, at no point does tiny think of her daughter as being anything other than who she is. she's not some genius savant nor is she broken & in need of fixing. she's simply a baby / young toddler with her own needs and desires and her own personality. very sweet, very emotional book. music plays a big role in this book (again, iykyk) and there's an accompanying playlist which i ended up not listening to bc i didn't have wifi but i do also like that aspect of it.

we go around in the night & are consumed by fire by jules grant: pros of moving in with someone who used to work in publishing & book selling: i now have access to a bunch of new books i've never heard of before. we go around in the night is an incredible book about an all-female gang in manchester (at least i think its manchester, i do not recall) and how they deal when one of their members is shot and killed. the plot and concept themselves are really good but what stands out especially is the writing style which is in part stream of consciousness and in a larger part just very particular to the pov character & how their mind works. we follow the povs of the head of the gang and the daughter of the woman who was killed. it's very emotional, very rough to read bc it deals so much with grief and also it's so intimate because with the way it's written you just feel so deeply inside the characters' minds. really cool.

fantasy break: i reread all of my branderson books (or at least the cosmere ones), so that's the first mistborn trilogy, warbreaker & the first 4 stormlights. not gonna summarise those indiv bc i'm pretty sure none of my followers on this blog give a fuck but i am actually very pleased to have re-read them bc 1. i love them and 2. it's made the scope of the cosmere a bit more understandable again. also i get very emotional about fantasy & cried like a baby at the end of mistborn & also at the end of oathbringer. and at the middle of rhythm of war. when adolin's in shadesmar with maya? yeah. sobbing.

little, big by john crowley: i listened to this on audiobook every day for about 2 weeks as i walked my dogs and did my chores and what have you. this audiobook is 24 hours long and usually that's my limit on audiobook length, anything longer than that & i start to check out mentally, but i could honestly listen to little, big forever. if you don't know it's this multi-generational novel about faeries and a family involved with them tangentially through the contact one of the early women had with faeries when she lived in the uk. it's a book about an american family though and though the faeries are ever-present in the actions and consequences that befall this family, it's so much more about love. familial love, romantic love, love for a place, love. it's absolutely incredible and read by the author who has the most wonderful accent (maine, i believe?) which just transports you even more into the world of these people. i'm generally all for a novel read by a trained & skilled narrator, not the author (reading is a skill) but john crowley does a very good job and anyway i didn't mind it when voices sounded alike because you understood who was speaking anyway just by what they were saying and anyway it's a family so it's okay if they sound similar. truly such a wonderful experience, i really loved this book.

others i read and just want to quickly mention: giovanni's room, gut symmetries, the book of elsewhere (i love china miéville etc etc), edinburgh (by alexander chee) & a couple more but these are the ones that i enjoyed most / got most out of

[jintatk]

My Biggest Pineapple Promise

My girlfriend and I broke up 3 days ago and we're gonna go out to celebrate our friends birthday and this is my rendition of what i hope to happen

There's a lot of backstory to this but I'm just posting this for manifestation. maybe if people are interested I'll start writing!

*I catch Z or bump into Z while rollerblading or we keep bumping into each other in bubble bash because she genuinely hates me*

*we form a bit of chemistry, we laugh together but not a word spoken between us*

_she still utterly hates me and im too scared to open my mouth_

*after the game i gather all my courage and i go up to her*

*her friends all shoot sharp cold stares at me.*

"this boys fucking up our girl again, he's nothing but trouble" they think to themselves

*the tension is so think you could cut it with a knife, the silence is so deafening you could hear your own heartbeat, and mine was practically trying to escape my ribcage*

_gulp_

J: Z please lets give this one more try

Z: No I've had enough of you I'm never trying again

J: Please Z or real this time Z. No more fucking bullshit. No more getting mad at you and starting shit up every 2 days. no more bullshit jealousy. no more too shy or lazy to socialise. no more lazing around spending the day doing nothing. no more indecisiveness. no more pressure for sex. no more constant physical affection when you don't want it. ive changed. ive been changing slowly over the months but the past few days has been my metamorphosis. the pain i feel has been nothing short of extraordinary; a living hell. everything i felt, all the jealousy, anxiety and stress is really nothing in comparison to this. i know ive been shit for so long and ive been working on myself but now ive really had time to reflect and really i wont be so retarded anymore, i wont get overwhelmed by my emotions because i know now that nothing is worse than losing you. nothing.

Z: jinta im so sick and tired of all your shit, and i still cant forgive you for what you did.

J: i know youre sick if my shit, im sick of it too. i pineapple promise i changed. and you dont have to forgive me. you just have to love me more than you hate me. and I'll move the sun in order to make you happy. i promise. pineapple promise. I've always meant it when i pineapple promise but I've never meant it as much as now. things will change. ive already changed. i was always so worked up about how you dont love me but i realise i need to earn your love. ill show you i can be the future. ill be the boy you always knew i could be. ill be the man.

Z:...

J: I know, I don't deserve to be given another chance, that's why I'll earn it. I'll work so hard for the both of us, for our future, I'll love you so fucking much. Please just give it a go until the end of the year at least. let me prove it.

Z: It's too late jinta.

J: Please. Better late than never. The past is just Mr Kumar's class, it doesn't matter and It's okay if I'm late right?

Z: what the fuck are you saying

J: Okay nevermind. just... just please. its no use Z we gotta have it out.

Z: ... fine. just keep your fucking pineapple promise. alright?

J: alright. *hugs her and lifts her off the ground* thank you so much Z... *tears come pouring out my eyes* ive really missed you 🥹

[saltynsassy31]

I promised @mossy-fruit a fanfiction like.....two months ago aND IM STILL WORKING ON IT I PROMISE

It's just....I made it longer than I had hoped for 👉👈

In the mean time, I humbly offer this one-shot I thought of the day I had conceived Orca. Ft. Patch

Theme - comedy

Orca put away his suit back in its rightful place in the lockers, the chatter of his coworkers filling the room as they ate their lunch.

"You heading out so soon, Orca?" One of his teammates asked, raising a brow in confusion.

"Yeah."

"Well, that's unusual of you, did you finally find something better to do with your life?" The inkling joked, laughing slightly at himself as Orca simply rolled his eyes.

"I don't always work, ya know."

"Really? Could've fooled me!"

Orca slams his locker shut. "It doesn't matter what you think I do, I'm going out, I have a meeting with someone and I'm not the type to be late. Just don't screw yourself over and hop down a title again, I am not going to demote myself a 5th time this week."

"No promises, captain." His friend said, doing a mock salute at him and putting out his tongue playfully.

Orca gave him a small, playful glare before walking out. "See you guys."

"See ya!"

"Take care!"

"Don't let the small fries bite!"

And with that, he was out. He checked his phone for the coordinates to the location of their meet up, he struggled slightly to pin down exactly where it was but he eventually found it. It was small and a bit of a remote area but that wasn't all too important to him.

Orca pushed through and continued his way over to the front door, knocking on it and waiting for an answer.

"Coming!" A voice in the other side called out. It wasn't long until the door opened to reveal an inkling with short, messy and burnt cyan tentacles, just like one of his coworkers had described him. The door wasn't fully open yet, only half of his face was poking out, a suspicious glare on his face. "May I help you?"

Orca gulped slightly, sure, he'd be able to fight himself out of any danger, but that wasn't really his biggest worry, no, he was actually awful at socialising and he always got nervous around new people, which, as his friends had told him, made him have this awful glare that could scare anyone away and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

So he tried to put his best smile, which didn't seem to have worked as the inkling gave a slightly startled expression, he had been practicing his smile! It can't be that bad. "Hi, I came here because some of my colleagues at grizzco recommended you to me for new weapons?"

That seemed to have gotten his attention. The inkling opened his door a bit further, poking his head out and looking around. "Yeah, you're in the right place, been waiting for ya. Anyone else with you?"

Orca shook his head. "No, just me."

The other nodded and opened the door fully, stepping to the side to let him in. Orca looked around the small workshop curiously. "You can sit over that couch over there while I go get the weapons, I'll he quick."

The octoling nodded, having a tight grasp around the straps of his book bag over his shoulders as he walked to sit down.

The inkling, Patch, if Orca recalls his name correctly, walked off into another room, leaving the other to his thoughts. He was quick to become fidgety, looking around the quiet, empty room, he found himself becoming drowsy, which only made him panic further.

He could feel his heart beat and that wasn't good.

You see, he didn't really have a normal heartbeat, being a playtoy for the people underground, being sanitised had eventually become his fate. Even after removing most of the sanitisation, it had already taken affect on his body in many different ways besides just his appearance. His heart beaing one of them.

He barely had a pulse, he, for the longest time, though he didn't even have one until he had his first panic attack and felt something beat in his chest, which wasn't helpful because the sensation had been foreing to him, but that's besides the point, the pulse wasn't even that strong either, it was just an average pulse but to him his heart was going fast.

He isn't sure how he is even alive, his friends had reported that when he sleeps, he doesn't even have a pulse, he doesn't even breath, they thought he was dead the first, which is concerning. But he tries not to think too much about it, less he were go to the hospital for it.

He shivers at the thought.

It didn't help that he was already a pretty pale octoling and colder than the average octoling or inkling, what made it really worse was that he was a really heavy sleeper and would only wake up to very specific noises that woild kick in his fight or flight senses. In any case, he usually just tries to avoid sleeping around new people, sleepovers being a complete no go.

But he was just so tired. He hadn't had the chance to properly rest for the past couple of days now, or, more accurately, he hadn't let himself have the chance to properly rest, so really, his own fault here.

His eyes could barely stay open and he found himself catching his head from falling over every so often. Well, maybe he could just close his eyes for a little while, right? He won't sleep, just close his eyes as they felt like they were burning and it was becoming increasingly hard to keep them open, his already blurry vision going even more blurry despite him wearing his glasses.

So that's what he did, he leaned his back on the couch and closed his eyes, but he had underestimated how tired he was because as soon as he did he was out like a light.

.☆.

"Hey, sorry for the wait, I was struggling to find the grizzco weapons since surprisingly not many people request for it." Patch chuckled as he walked back to the main room only to see his customer dead asleep on his couch.

"Huh, guess that job really does a number on someone, huh?" He chuckled to himself, putting the box of weapons over the table in the middle and walking up close to the other. His suspicions of the ocotking's job being exhausting was confirmed by the slight bags under his eyes, making his mask look bigger than it's supposed to.

He felt a little bit bad waking him up but they came here to do buisness, he could sleep afterwards once he was home. "Hey, wakey wakey, I got your weapons." Patch said, shaking his shoulders slightly, ignoring the other's freezing touch.

He didn't budge.

"Hey, dude, wake up. I know you're probably really tired but my workshop is not your bedroom." He shook him again but nothing.

"Hellooooo, anyone in there?" Patch knocked om his head, grabbed both of his shoulders and shook him, but no response.

Now the cold of the other’s skin felt like a burning stove as he felt himself start to panic, letting out a nervous laughter. "H-hey, c'mon now, this isn't funny."

Still nothing.

His mind blocked the fact that the other wasn't even breathing, he probably was just very weakly, some people do that, right? And quickly reached for his wrist, searching for a pulse, nothing, not there, not I'm his neck, placing a ear to his chest just to be sure but nothing.

He quickly stepped back, his hearts lodged in his throat, making it hard for him to breath, his ears ringing with the silence, making it almost unbearable. He found himself yelling just to fill that void. "AAAAAAHH OH MY COD, OH MY COD HE'S DEAD, HOLY FUCK."

He quickly placed a hand over his mouth and stomach, he felt sick like he could puke.

No way, no way that this guy just died, on his couch. "What do I do? What do I do!?" He found himself repeating that like a mantra, walking around in circles.

"Should I call the police? No, no, they'd investigate my workshop too, should I just bury his body? Does he have friends or family? Are they worried he's gone? Oh god, they probably don't even know."

He turned back to the body, still unmoving, he had to cover the evidence.

He ran back to the storage room and grabbed a shovel that he never found use for until now and ran back to the living room

[estro-boi]

cw suicide (not mine, I'm just venting), cw abuse

in 2017 i moved in with a girl because nobody would rent to her on her own. we were good friends and i knew full well that we wouldn't be by the time i moved out. given that she would be homeless otherwise, i did it. she made multiple suicide attempts during this period, each of which is seared into my memory. the first time she went into my room and stole all my benzos trying to overdose (thankfully benzos alone are pretty hard to die from unless you fall down the stairs or something). it was like 4am. she then demanded that i give her more (there were no more, she didn't believe me) or she'd leave and kill herself and it would be my fault. the second time she texted me the note while i was at work and i had to spend 45 minutes on public transport terrified that there was a corpse waiting for me at the end. when i got there someone had called an ambulance so my home was full of paramedics and cops. the bathtub was full of blood and she needed to get a ton of stitches at the hospital. i couldn't bring myself to put my arm in the tub and drain it so until she came home i couldn't go for a piss without seeing it and thinking about what i very nearly came back to. the third time she spent maybe a fortnight telling me she was going to kill herself on her birthday and if i told anyone or tried to stop her then she'd do it earlier. she'd sit in her room blasting the same incredibly depressing song over and over for two straight weeks while i just sat in bed hearing it through the wall and crying and not knowing what to do. one time she left a note and took some rope and disappeared in the middle of the night and i was searching through the woods in pitch darkness for over an hour trying to find her, again terrified that i'd get there too late. there were a bunch more incidents like this.

this was 18 months of my life, 18 months of constant hypervigilance for any kind of slight change in tone or behaviour that might indicate something was about to happen again. being the only other person around, her anger and frustration would get projected onto me, manifesting as constant emotional manipulation and abuse. any problems i had were a personal insult because i hadn't gone through what she'd been through. anything i did, literally as far as buying food for her dog because he'd run out, would turn into hours-long struggle sessions where every aspect of my character was torn to shreds. accusations that i was some kind of predator who'd only moved in because i was trying to fuck her came up a lot.

i got deeper into pills, i was getting shitfaced every night, i wasn't socialising, i was barely sleeping. by the end i was literally just staring at the walls silently because i was scared to do anything else. i couldn't leave because she had no means of supporting herself and the added stress might have been the final straw that killed her. even after she told me to leave, i kept paying rent for months because she couldn't afford it. she spent those months texting me more abuse, telling me on one occasion that I should kill myself.

there's no real point to this, i just need to vent it somewhere. it's been 5 years since i moved out and im still paralysed with anxiety whenever i do anything. i can't go to shows anymore, i can't meet people, im silent all the time because im scared to make noise. i freak out if im doing anything and i can hear someone talking because im afraid that i'll seem like im ignoring them, which was a massive flashpoint in that house. i barely leave the house to do anything. i feel like i haven't relaxed in years, im constantly on edge now because i had to be back then as a matter of life and death.

i never got any closure in any of this. i think about this girl every single day when some horrible memory or other bubbles up in my brain. i can close my eyes right now and see the bathtub where she slashed her wrists. i can see her at my bedroom door yelling at me to give her drugs that i didn't have. i don't know if she's alive. i can't talk to anybody about it. i tried to help my friend and it ruined my life.

[chenyeemultiply]

Flat

this is what i am feeling today

unmotivated, lonely, frustration, uninspired, my mind was everywhere.

there are so many things i need to do but i don't want to do it

there many thing that i want to do but can't find the right place to start doing it

im starting to feel like i've been pushed to do many things that i dont want to do lately. things just get ordered on me and i've been reluctant to do them, or i just do it because it is my job. i have no will to do it from my heart. i simply complete a task at a standard that i want to keep, or based on the standard when i was most passionate. and that probably has caused me a lot of stress and dissatisfaction, and feeling burnt-out lately.

plus the computer is old, some keys on the keyboard are getting unresponsive. on the other hand, i am so annoyed by keyboard on the laptop giving me double spacing, which is troublesome. maybe I should bring it to fix already RM750 byebye? and if i am going to get the new imac, another RM6K to 10K will fly out, considering I will need to get apple care, the accessories and also software. not sure how much can i get to trade in my old imac though. i do not have space for that for sure. oh my god and it is going to take time to transfer everything from old to new mac. because i want to sort out things that i don't need anymore.

and then i felt really lonely, i need a hug.

and then i walked into the kitchen and the stove and floor were wet, the wall is dirty and the windows greasy and dusty. i want to change that, repaint the wall, get a new stove cabinet and a new wall protection, no more cardboard or aluminium please. and if i could get a kitchen hood i would too.

the next time i bump into cleaning lady at the condo, i'm going to ask her if she can help clean the house. i want someone to help wipe down all the windows, doors and anything that has greasy dust or black mold on it. i don't want to waste my time getting frustrated over it. or hearing my mom complain about it. i want to change the kitchen. fix the fridge, fix the water heater, get rid of cockroaches, change the bathroom doors.

maybe when i get back to swimming again i will find more motivation to do things. right now im just lacking will power. hate to socialise. want to sleep as much as i can. want to work with new people. want to work with smart and inspiring people.

please give me an access to reach a god designer to take my place in my full time job because i'm dread going there. i cant focus and unmotivated to do any work there. i dont want to go and clean things everytime i'm there, losing my energy feeling everything needs to be clean, and yes they do because it is always so dusty.

i just want to stay home alone most of the time, or go somewhere that i can work quietly and efficiently. whoever in the house please don't come and talk to me to distract me, i feel annoyed.

[lauraashleyhomedecoratingbook]

feeling quite terrible lately - not really because i am not exactly feeling sad but I am just noticing that i am falling back into habits that i displayed when i was doing really terrible

felt really grateful and happy for a moment today and now that i am home i feel bad again - i really need to reply to this one perosn because ii want to tell them all that is going on and talk to them but if i ignore them somehow in my mind that equals that i cannot ruin our relationship and i can immortalise the fantasy i have undoubtedly created in my mind

have not been working that much lately but it also feels liek i have been. i like working because i dont have to think and it gives me an excuse to just keep to myself. it distracts me and occupies my time. though sometimes while i am working all i want to do is go home and or die or i cannot bear to deal with work anymore once i am home and dont know what to do with myself i wish i was at work. i think it is because i am so depressed and dont want to leave my house or socialise but also feel a horrid level of fomo - but for some reason when i am working it is like oh all is okay i cant do this or that because i have to work. it gives me an excuse that no one doubts, not others or even me. even though technically going to work does mean i am leaving the house, it does not really count i dont think. i am just there mindlessly and being fake nice to customers. though i do chat with my coworkers it doesn't count in my mind for some reason. anyways going to work is just like another version of being at home depressed for me i think, however it makes me feel validated in not wanting to or literally not being able to go out. i am trying my best to put my feelings and thoughts on this into words but i dont know if it is coming out right still. even though i have typed a lot. i will bring this up at my next therapy session - if i ever book it. i will hopefully. thinking i might need to book an extra one because i dont think i am doing well. maybe i will see once i go. wish therapy wasnty so fuckign expensive so i could go all the time. so hard finally feeling like i am getting somewhere with it and able to actually understand and identify how i am feeling in my sessions only to be held back because money. so sad. also think because it is so expensive i will never be able to treat my phobia. i also cant because i have to be stable to treat it or something like that which is not the case but how could i ever be stable if i cant work on things with my therapist and keep falling into this horrible hole that i dig myself. idk im sure it will be better soon. i have told others that it will get better so many times and said that from my heart so i need to trust my own knowledge - but it is hard to believe

do i go to school next year what am i doing with my life i dont know what to do with myself it is all so difficult

[mental-health-advice]

im sorry that it's so long i dont have anyone to share it with and i dont have money for psychological help but i am desperate

i have this problem that i cant listen to people, it's very rare for me to find other people's lives interesting, even my best friends'. sometimes i have this moment when im curious and ask but I don't ever catch myself as little as having thoughts about other people and i can see that i struggle with empathy

i realized lately that all my attempts to help other people in the past were caused by my feelings of superiority towards them, now i just don't attempt to help them at all. i've never been listened by my family, no one ever listens to one another and none of us seems to be truly interested in each other that much. all my friends through my entire life have never been the types to get into any deep conversations as well. ive been heavily bullied my entire life and my parents never asked about anything, my friends witnessed me getting bullied a hundred times and it was all just ignored and no one ever reacted or talked to me about it. since i was 10 i live in some other world in my head and that's all i think about in life, i feel like i built my entire life around it and it's terrifying because it doesn't seem normal to other people. sometimes i get people telling me that i might be autistic but i feel like it's such a heavy word for what im going through and also ill never probably be able to find out

now that im at university in a completely different environment and city, it scares me that i don't know how to fix it. when someone asks questions about my own life i have no idea what to say. i've never been asked about my opinions, my health, things that i like. i barely think about these things myself and to that i am expected to show interest in other people and ask them the same questions

i want to have friends but i feel like i just deserve to be isolated because im not empathetic and it seems like im also fake. it's complicated i guess i just have to ask if there are any advice to find people around me interesting so i can have friends

Hey there,

I���m so sorry that whilst you were growing up, no one really seemed to listen to you or take an interest in you and your life and also that you grew up being bullied. It actually also helps to paint a picture of why you may find it difficult to make friends and hold conversations with them now.

It’s really important that you know and remind yourself that you definitely do not deserve to be isolated from other people. You did not ask to be treated as you were whilst growing up and nor were you always able to stop it from happening and especially in regards to the being bullied by others. When you feel like you don’t deserve to have friends or to socialise with others, it can be helpful to remind yourself that we as people are social beings and so we all need someone in our life, even if it’s just one or two people! Remember that it’s also not about the quantity of friends that we have in our lives either but rather the quality of the friendship!

In regards to making friends now, sometimes it can he helpful to just casually catch up first and then form a bond with them from there. So for example, do something with them where talking is not the main focus. So, maybe go to the movies with them, to a local attraction like to a zoo or a walk with different sceneries. Try and do something that you can talk about what is going on around you as opposed as just ‘talking in depth’ about things. This can also be a great ice breaker as well! From there when you see them, perhaps speak to them about the experience you both shared, likes and dislikes/ what you most enjoyed and didn’t. Again, this can take the pressure off just talking and will allow you both to have a focus in the conversation with them. It will also allow you to get to know the other a bit better and in time you may find that the conversation may flow a bit more easily and especially if together you do different things that you can then both chat about!

Showing empathy to others is a little harder and especially if you weren’t shown it in your early life. It is something you can definitely learn and do though so don’t be too hard on yourself! Maybe a good starting point may be to look at yourself and how you would like someone to treat you or react to you in different situations. This can really help with the learning process as even though people need different things after going through different things in life, often what we all have in common is wanting a friendly ear, someone we can talk too who we feel like really cares about us!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[magdalenn-a]

ive been having a lot of super troubling thoughts lately that i am scared of.

mostly revovling around death and dying. i am absolutely horrified of the concept of slowly dying all alone... that i will be all alone up until my last breath.

its gotten so bad that i am having nightly panic attacks over this. which is funny [its not] because im also actively struggling with suicidal thoughts on top of it.

add to that; my derealisation and dissociation has been. i completely forgot who i was as a physical person. i put on a mask to work, socialise, and carry out my lifes "chores" but the moment i dont have anything to do i become completely detached from my physical self.

i let myself fall back into self soothing with a delusional unreal life in my head thinking it would help keep me from spiraling. but it no longer soothes and it just further pushes me into an intense fear of being all alone.

and i thought maybe this was all fallout from recently moving out of a place i shared with my ex. and the breakup. and how im only now starting to allow myself to process all of the emotional pain related to that.

but im not sure this is a loneliness or issue any other person can solve. that scares me so much. i feel like there is something incredibly wrong with me but i dont have the proper words...

i know i need to start seeing a professional again but with how ive been feeling and what ive been going through... im scared theyll just put me on medication and brush me off. [because they have every time]