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idle
have i used this title before?
anyway, i have been feeling very unmotivated to do any work lately. i need the money but i cant bring myself to do the work at all. or i have even benefited from the job already by i havent even produced any work in return. the jobs are piling. i would be eager to do something at the time of the discussion but when it comes to real work, i have nothing to push me forward to do it. what is happening to me? how can i change this? i know i have to do them but i just couldn't care more.
i guess i am really tired and uninspired. i'd rather cook, sleep, swim, do sports, watch videos, doom scrolling, spending future money; than being a responsible person.
at this stage i am this unreliable person to handle jobs.
even now, as i'm typing this and had a list of tasks i should do by this week, i am thinking about going to sleep so that i have the energy to do whatever tomorrow. but when tomorrow comes, i am back to this procrastinating bitch.
okbye i gotta go sleep.
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Freedive Training 1304
3pm–4.30pm
The Campus Ampang, 25m pool
1. Warm up: 200m swim any style.
2. Breathhold max, with fin. First attempt 50m; 2nd 50+, 3rd 60m
3. Group of 3-4, walk under water holding weights. 400m taking turns. Good practice for duckdive and CO2 tolerace, stress-handling, teamwork.
4. Lactic acid activation 12 minutes. Finning at the deep end for 30 seconds, rest 30 seconds. Keep to the same position and elbows above water (with long fins)
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Flat
this is what i am feeling today
unmotivated, lonely, frustration, uninspired, my mind was everywhere.
there are so many things i need to do but i don't want to do it
there many thing that i want to do but can't find the right place to start doing it
im starting to feel like i've been pushed to do many things that i dont want to do lately. things just get ordered on me and i've been reluctant to do them, or i just do it because it is my job. i have no will to do it from my heart. i simply complete a task at a standard that i want to keep, or based on the standard when i was most passionate. and that probably has caused me a lot of stress and dissatisfaction, and feeling burnt-out lately.
plus the computer is old, some keys on the keyboard are getting unresponsive. on the other hand, i am so annoyed by keyboard on the laptop giving me double spacing, which is troublesome. maybe I should bring it to fix already RM750 byebye? and if i am going to get the new imac, another RM6K to 10K will fly out, considering I will need to get apple care, the accessories and also software. not sure how much can i get to trade in my old imac though. i do not have space for that for sure. oh my god and it is going to take time to transfer everything from old to new mac. because i want to sort out things that i don't need anymore.
and then i felt really lonely, i need a hug.
and then i walked into the kitchen and the stove and floor were wet, the wall is dirty and the windows greasy and dusty. i want to change that, repaint the wall, get a new stove cabinet and a new wall protection, no more cardboard or aluminium please. and if i could get a kitchen hood i would too.
the next time i bump into cleaning lady at the condo, i'm going to ask her if she can help clean the house. i want someone to help wipe down all the windows, doors and anything that has greasy dust or black mold on it. i don't want to waste my time getting frustrated over it. or hearing my mom complain about it. i want to change the kitchen. fix the fridge, fix the water heater, get rid of cockroaches, change the bathroom doors.
maybe when i get back to swimming again i will find more motivation to do things. right now im just lacking will power. hate to socialise. want to sleep as much as i can. want to work with new people. want to work with smart and inspiring people.
please give me an access to reach a god designer to take my place in my full time job because i'm dread going there. i cant focus and unmotivated to do any work there. i dont want to go and clean things everytime i'm there, losing my energy feeling everything needs to be clean, and yes they do because it is always so dusty.
i just want to stay home alone most of the time, or go somewhere that i can work quietly and efficiently. whoever in the house please don't come and talk to me to distract me, i feel annoyed.
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Procrastination
Curing procrastination is less about managing your time and more about managing your emotions.
1. “Neurotic Perfectionist” – fear of weakness, depend on deadline, fear of being not good enough, feeling of shame and inadequacy.
=> You are enough. Let go of sky-high expectations. Prioritising getting started and getting done, over getting perfect.
make to-do-list: break it down into smaller tasks.
“Perfection is an illusion; good is good enough.”
2. “Chronic Worrier” – fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, always getting ready to get ready. Analysis paralysis – intellectualising instead of taking action.
3 “Rebellious procrastinator” – resentment and defiance, feelings of being wronged leads them to rebel against their work. Blame others to avoid getting blamed.
=> Forgiveness. forgive those who have wronged you, rejected you or hurt you, forgive yourself. Let go of your anger, liberate your strength.
Anxiety, discomfort, fear... will eventually manifest within your body. Stiff neck, lower back pain... =>get a massage, yoga, exercise--- to sooth and loosen tensed muscles, bring some relaxation and balance to your body.
Escape from isolation. Connect/work with people, get you out of your head, and into your heart.
[The Procrastination Cure - ]
Jeffery Combs
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Not just Leadership
I was listening to a book summary on leadership. There are two main leadership styles—transactional leadership and transformational leadership. Transactional leadership is I instruct you to do work, you do the work for me and I give you back in bonus. Transformational leadership is about elevating people’s morals.
4 kinds of transformational leaderships
authentic leadership (transparency, genuine, intrapersonal apprach)
servant leadership (listen first, interest of the followers first, help them reach goals, build community)
adaptive leadership (help followers deal with change, identify problem and find solution, see big picture, regulate distress
inclusive leadership (value belongingness, uniqueness)
XXX destructive leadership
# Leaders are not supposed to be directors. It’s vital to rpovide direction, but also make sure followers know they are an integral part of achieving group goals.
Anyway, after listening to this, there are some points that each of us can practice, we have a few key leaders here in K, and as followers, we also should make an effort to adapt/配合 or do something based on the needs of the the goals, not just following instructions. Come out with own suggestions if you don’t agree with an idea, all we want to achieve is make things happen for the community.
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Meditate
Lately, I gain ideas and solutions to problems through sitting for 20 minutes in meditation. Yes, I had a lot going on inside my head when I sit.
I usually started by observing my breathing, or thinking about the crystal I am holding. And then I let my mind wanders, and I come back to my breathing, back and forth. Sometimes I just let my mind wander, probably with awareness, because I was getting somewhere with the thoughts.
Today, I was holding amethyst and smokey quartz while meditating, I observe the sensations from top to bottom and back to top. While doing so, I kept feeling a dark purple liquid flowing down from the top. At that same time, I was thinking about 3ee. I thought of going to her house to help do cleaning. I wonder if it needs cleaning because the house always seems to be quite tidy. But I think there are some very old things that are still stored in the house, because 3ee is a very frugal person. Since she has broken her leg and fractured arm, I guess she is sleeping in the room at downstairs next to bathroom. That is an old house, and a house that feels quite sentimental to me too. I hope to go and do something for the house to give it a new energy. Perhaps I should also ask the daughters and sons to come along and help out. I’m not sure how will it work but let’s think about it in the next mediation.
Another ideas I had was, to write our path signages by starting with, This way to...
OK, I gotta go work that out now.
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chat
had a good chat with the other 2 today. mainly to rant but also with some sort of problem-solving ideas throwing in.
we were trying to pin point what are the problems, by spreading out some past incidents, really looked into what why how all of that happened, and came to an agreement that we can’t keep going on like this anymore. although we know we are very short-staffed, and this is conflicts are probably part of the process of building a new business together. at least the 4 of us are on the same page about the problems we are facing now. just realised the most troublesome people is right there in the room from the beginning.
after all these talks, i felt something lifted off my chest a bit. we really talked it out, among the 4 of us.
but then another news came in, it’s a good news but it will affect the trip. i think i need to come out with a plan of the trip for myself. i want to see the mountains and museums and of course my best friend! the conference is just an excuse honestly.
SH presented his ES outline to me and i totally think course previews should be done this way. clear and concise and don’t take up much time, and don’t leave people still with vague idea of what is the course about. we need those course outlines! we need to give people a clearer idea on what to expect and especially don’t make mistakes in the checklists later.
anyway, with the coaching by SH, i feel like i will find something useful to me, which is next time, i probably will know what to ask from a client when getting in new jobs. i’m quite excited about this already.
we talked about naming our events in a more down-to-earth way, such as”Man’s Search for Meaning” instead of “Logotherapy”. such an apt timing to be reading this today.
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Buy Back My Time!
I’m gonna hire someone to do some of my K-jobs probably in the 10-80-10 way so that I can free up more time for myself doing things I like.
Jon Jandai says, spend only 1-2 hours a day on the actual work, and today I learned that Oprah is the same. The rest of the time, walk your dogs, play music, make videos, spend time with family, etc. For me, in my extra time I want to watch K-drama to learn the language, or actually learn another language, do more yoga practice, watch my subscribed channels to learn new things, nap daily and not feeling guilty, can go dive when I want to, be at home more often and longer etc.
I am willing to spend 20-25% of my current K salary to hire someone to help lessen my burden and to buy back more time for myself, and to produce better work, be creative. And the 20-25% can actually help grow someone and maybe next time they can take 50% of it and I can slowly move into doing other things and grow myself.
The person I want to hire, must be a trained designer, have good sense of use of colours, fonts, layout, have eyes for details to look into the content and edit where necessary. Basically another person with my technical skills, at least.
The easiest to start would be Recycle Day as it is pretty standard right now. I just need to come out with a checklist of things to complete and to be changed accordingly, and maybe add in some extra stuff here and there for each event. Once the designer has done 1-2 recycling events then they can set to help in other upcoming events. Then I can retire from K, and put more time into my SS jobs, I still love making branding and packaging, exhibitions, events and once in a while overseas projects!
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Day Off
I really appreciate 1-2 quiet day away from work, to be with myself and have a few hours to recalibrate, 整理思緒，be grounded after a few hectic days. Then you will se what went wrong, what should be done moving forward, what to avoid, what else we need to straighten out.
We need to really listen to our own thoughts and speak up, not to swallow everything in ourselves, else they will become cancer.
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reflect & review
for the week.
6 Mar 2023
Did my molar tooth surgery on 1st Mar, was so painful on the first day, painful when gargle with colder water, lower left cheek still swollen, stitch already dissolved today.
Glad to meet up some freedivers yesterday. Wished I could arrive earlier yesterday to watch more of the competition though, a rare chance and could learn a lot from it.
Had a rather peaceful work week, where we could take time to get things done, as C was away on holiday. She is definitely drops a lot of ad-hoc tasks on us when she is around. But of course we need her around to push the whole organisation forward.
Have we been too ambitious and hard sell that things just don’t come our way as a result? What have we done wrong that registration to the event is so quiet. We have less than 2 weeks for the event and only less than 10 paid participants. What is our intention again? Is it clear enough? I feel like I have so much to do but my eyes are feeling so tired already. This is another rush event like ACM 2021, target too high (400-500) thinking it is the same effort of work as targeting 200 pax... It is not. Right now I’m just gonna target low—200pax. Please send people to join the workshop!
Called aunty today, she is still weak but I’m glad we still get to talk on the phone.
I want to spend more time at home, with myself, doing my own work. I don’t want to be a full time worker because really want to spend more time working on my own projects. If you want me to serve, maybe 42 is the time? 5 years time and I’ll be ready to ease off doing GD full time.
Time to sleep, gotta be awake at 6+ tomorrow, course starts at 9 till 5. I’m gonna need nap time.
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reflect & review
12 Feb 2023
Woke up at 7.40am, there was no rain so I quickly put on my running clothes and went out. I went cycling yesterday. M passed by and never said hi, anymore. Today I saw him again and thought, maybe one day he will say hi again.
As I ran in front of the school, SC ran passed me. It was really him, I later saw him stopped at RR with friends. I texted him to confirm that was him and chatted a bit. He asked me out again, which I’m not sure what is the intention. It felt kind of flirty but I’m not ready to be “over-friendly” to another married guy.
Took the MRT to KL, I was busy deleting photos and videos to make space in my phone. My timing today was perfect, I reached the venue 10 minutes before my booking time. Glad I made it to the exhibition in KL. I enjoyed that quiet time very much, reading every description at my own time, flipping through the books on display and get inspiration for logo designs. Had some time to reflect how I feel about work now, that I’ve been so busy on weekends I don’t get to slow down and grow new ideas. I’m feeling exhausted.
I also enjoyed having lunch by myself. The thali set was very satisfying. Even the sweet dessert was pleasant.
After lunch, I went to museum T to check out the event, it was quite sad, but the museum had been revamped, not too fancy but improved a lot from the time I visited more than 10 years ago. After that I walked through the old shophouses, to RKL, then to bookstore. Glad I stopped by, I got at least 2 new ideas in there, and one is to upcycle my protein shake bottle into knife holder. I felt smart. Also, I’m gonna buy that colour book the next time I visit this bookstore, very easy to find beautiful colour combination and it comes with the CMYK and pantone code. I remember having a similar book so I didn’t buy, but after checking the one I bought in Nanjing, I decided I should buy this one as well. It will be very useful to find colour palette for new projects.
I felt ready to go home even though I was still searching for ice cream, but I was ok. I came back to shower and had a nap. Woke up, cooked dinner, and made my knife holder. Ok done reporting coz I’m going to sleep.
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reflect & review
8 Feb 2023
After much consideration and calculation, I have decided to stop swim training with MySwim, until I have joined any race. I can save up to RM500 per month, 1500 for 3 months, 3000 for 6 months... I should go back to CAT class 4 times for RM800 in which I can teach others in the future; RM200-RM325 morning yoga classes. If I need to swim, I will go to The Club, only RM53/month if I go once a week. Ok, that’s it. I have achieved my swimming goal, the only thing I will miss will be the people. At the same time, I could use the money for freedive trips and trainings instead. I shall stop my subscription by the end of April 2023, and go back to morning yoga classes instead. OK reschedule my exercise plan next.
Meeting with E & J was a good one. Casual yet productive, and with respect. Why I like working with them because it helps me to push myself in my design creativity. I get to discuss and get tangible feedbacks and suggestions. Not just, “I’m ok with everything”. Same with the Macao team. Compare to working with P and on KG project, I can’t feel anything. I need to reevaluate this project, I need time to do it.
I spent the whole afternoon working on PIF, I like doing this. I need this kind of flow session, either in closed room or away from home, away from distractions. Almost got a heart attack when ai crashed, luckily it is not old version of ai, else I’d need to cancel the meeting and cry.
In the morning I had a session with R on school booklet, was a quick one and ok I’ll just do what you prefer. I later spent some time reviewing things I need to do within this week, damn, it’s a lot of things. Tomorrow I need to review if I should take on the CD design project by calculating the time I need to spend on it.
Yuan Lai DuitNow is so easy for money transfer, I shall take some overseas projects from time to time.
OKBYE I GOT TO SWIM TOMORROW.
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reflect and review
5 Feb 2023
slept for 6hr 30mins, woke up quite fresh and laid there with little sleep till 7.30am. sky was still grey but i decided to go out for a run in the little drizzle. there was zero runner and cyclist, i basically owned the cycling lane.
came back to make breakfast and continue with the creative process chart till 11+. i was feeling quite fresh to do some work but i didn’t have the mood to follow my plan. i needed more rest. so i went to nap, planned for 20mins, but somehow when there is another person in the house, i lose the will power to act. i continued sleeping till close to 5pm. i had a timeline to follow but i missed the part that i planned from 3.30 to 4.30pm, which i should complete 2 tasks. so i skipped that two continue to work on PIF.
I just keep getting interruption and they cut off my flow. i also distract myself by checking on flight tickets and places to go instead on focusing on work. i need to strategise more, else i wont be able to even start a project properly.
i am feeling sorry for PIF, KG and B, i don’t want to disappoint SA too. all these i have the heart to but no strength to do.
please tell me in my dream later, or tomorrow morning what i should do about this.
Today I am thankful for:
the workshop for helping me sort of creative process in more detail, i might be able to use it to find help to share my workload.
Monday, that I get to rest on a Monday. a quiet Monday. to be able to catch up on sleep.
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reflect and review
4 Feb 2023
didn’t sleep well last night, but gonna try sleep with my watch again.
today’s 7 beacons workshop was not difficult, but I truly hate public speaking, I felt like I just wanna quickly finish reading whatever is on the slide and get away from the stage. Some people really can talk elaborately, some talk too much, and I belong to the group that doesn’t bother talking anymore than the written note.
I noticed that when you are talking, Dr J looks at your face attentively. I guess that is her habit in deep listening.
Today I want to thank my teammates for the participation in discussion; SC team for running the workshop; K team for being K team.
That’s all for today.
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things i like about going to the squad
You swim as a group and learn to take care of your lane mates. I learn from my lane mates, they check on you and encourage you. 2 days ago I was exhausted from the multiple 300m swims, Izam from G2 told me to join his line, “come with us, ok?” Later when Stella, Kristy and PY joined our lane, I told them I was on low batt and they pat me on the back and said, you can do it! And off I went on the next swim. Surprisingly, I was fine again for the next 300m.
I CAN wake up at 5am, do yoga, shit, and be at the pool at 6.30 for swim, and swim only. I cannot wake up at that hour to read, or work or do chores. Even if it’s yoga, I felt tired and sleepy waking up at 6.40am. Being able to wake up early to do 3 important things in the morning by 8am is quite a good start of the day. Although some days I feel very drowsy after swimming.
I am only reconsidering about the intensity of my training because it seems like I’m having muscles tightness more often now. Maybe I need more yin and yoga to restore? Can CAT help? I think I do need massage quite often to soften and untie the muscle knots. Maybe more meditation too.
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review and reflect day 1
Day One app only allow one free device, so I got to come here to write.
1 Feb 2023
sat at the old man’s chair for close to an hour to wind down, on instagram reels. came back from KH at almost midnight, left at about 11+pm, the event finished at 10.22pm, I packed some noodles, rice and bread home for my 3 meals tomorrow.
today there were a lot of talk on physical body > etheric body > astral body > i-organisation; body, mind and spirit. the spirit part was quite mind-blowing, like everything makes sense now. water in body and plants, how we grow, why we ask god for answer, etc.
the answer to my question on how to make others realise they have the power to heal themselves despite their age should be to strengthen their i-organisation. the method is what i am doing now, review and reflect.
in the afternoon, we lightly sand the floor before applying another layer of lacquer. i didn’t know when you wash your brush, the white brush will turn black?? wait, i don’t believe it at all.
i need to pack ex client’s things and deliver back to them, oh thank god I can say bye-bye to them now and focus on what I like. with this client, i can’t do what i feel like and thus i became unproductive towards their jobs.
tomorrow i need to finish up the signages. and then start immediately on logo and festival, K stuff gotta stay aside. at night i will read chapter 6 of FH, if not to do poster for march class.
went to old office noon, saw some familiar faces and places. the place looks full, i’d truly prefer a minimalist kind of workspace.
woke up at 8am this morning, i did a 10 mins abs workout, little bit of K work before going out at 12. i love the moment i woke up this morning, i felt so peaceful. if i woke up early tomorrow, i’d go cycling. I’m glad i didn’t book swimming session, the event ended so late, i need the sleep. tomorrow if i don’t go cycle, i should do another session of P-Reif workout for 10-15 mins, before breakfast.
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