#im just. depressed as shit and cold as shit.
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sorry if i am more distant in ims/disco i am really just not feeling well mentally. even if i'm active on the dash sometimes responding to personal messages is just too much for me. i am sorry if i have upset anyone because of this. if you are concerned about my lack of responses or delay time in responding please just ask.
#chuck speaks.#negativity tw.#fourth person to block me over this and i just#im sorry guys! i feel bad.#i dont want to make anyone feel like i dont care abt them#or i have no interest in chatting and writing#im just. depressed as shit and cold as shit.
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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Do you ever watch s3 and s4 and realise you're not enjoying it that much
#im kinda in two minds#cause there ARE so many insane details and subtext and all that#and i love reading your guys analyses#but at the same time#actually watching through the eps in s3/4?#they're often tedious#no i dont wanna hear another monologue from the most irritating character in the universe murray bauman#why'd you introduce russians in a massive underground bunker for gods sakes#i thought this was a small intimate story about normal ppl faced with the unknown of the supernatural#not the eye of the cold war storm#any dangerous scene? literally any time they put a character in danger?#idc im not invested praying they'll make it through#cause they always always make it through#even when it seems like they literally died#and what is with the quipiness in the later season?#like all those like marvel lines and interactions and witty one liners and moments where they finish each others sentences would make me#roll my eyes in any other show that i already wasnt invested in#even byler#i love byler with all my heart and i dont doubt they're endgame#but for me even that sweet knowledge is soured by the fact it seems they're trying to cater to every demographic in their massive audience#they turned hopper in this super macho muscle gun man who appeals to people who want a tom cruise show#they're trying to keep both jancy and stancy fans satisfied simultaneously#i dont doubt byler will happen but i just think its going to be very small importance-wise screen-time wise in the midst of everything else#i've sort of had cognitive dissonance cause ive been in this space where everybody praises the shit out of it (i mean duh its a fandom)#and they point out impressive details and links and say stuff like 'the duffers had everything planned from the beginning!'#so i was refusing to acknowledge that i wasnt enjoying actually watching the show as it strayed further from what it had been in s1#sorry guys gotta agree with friendly soace ninja on this one (kinda stupid to put on tags where most ppl do genuinely love the show and pls#ignore these depressing thoughts and continue happily on with your hyperfixation if you do)#stranger things#byler
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I just love staring at him. We've never talked, but I just like looking at him and catching his eyes on me too and when we both turn away. And then it happens again...
#girlblogging#girlhood#summer time sadness#hell is a teenage girl#just girly posts#just girly thoughts#sadgirl#this is what makes us girls#depressing shit#lana del rey#mysterious boy#i want him so badly#cold#unperturbed#calm#masculine#slavic#dream boy#im delulu#ovulation
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random insane headcanon but i firmly believe albin takes exclusively cold showers.
#like freezing cold. or he adjusts the the knob only the slightest fraction above the coldest#when he was younger he probs just got used to it from lauchpad's student showers#but now he just like. does it. he's miserable abt it btw#he Could be using hot water but at this point it's so routine it doesnt occur to him#a hot water shower wld fix him btw. only for like 12 min but it wld fix him#he'd still be a child celebrity that fell off but that constant crinkle between his brows would relax for 12 min#and he'd come out of the shower slightly more content#until he realizes too late that he's out of clean underwear#or gets a text that he inexplicably has to work overtime at his toilet paper shift tmrw#or spills the hot chocolate sol left in his room onto his towel#then he's back to average albin patheticness levels#^^^^ all that shit still happens btw. he's just already resigned when he steps out of his cold shower#albin pembroke#also full disclosure im like a month behind on naddpod cause of ✨the depression✨#so this thought is completely independent of whatever theyve been doing recently lol#i jusr think albin would take cold showers#lmk if u disagree. pleasepleaseplease engage with me i wanr fandom friends
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#first time i start off the day crying in bed for an hour again in probably a few weeks now#guess i spoke too soon saying i was doing better OR. or maybe it's bc i met with my psych...and she sent me evil psychic waves to make me#feel more depressed again so she can put me on more meds. <- deranged line of thinking#:> anyway time for breakfast. i must bury these feelings in work again or die trying bc there's no other option.#upd: crying while im out of bed and trying to start my day is going to be a problem#i cant just show up to the function like hi im your prospective dogsitter. pay no mind to how puffy my eyes are#at least it's cold outside :/ that should help. woe water be upon me for now#anyway i have no time to be getting sick over this shit again lmao!! moveon.org#upd2: wow this is. bad#visibly put together enough i think to get thru this meeting with none the wiser but wow this feels exceptionally awful.#so exceptionally nauseously very god awful#actually maybe not visibly out together enough my eyes def still feel puffy. i should have iced them ughhhhhhhhh i hope it's cold enough to#be a cold compress substitute but im out here and well. it could be colder for sure. for sure it could be colder#and should be colder but we're living in the apocalypse so no more cold winters mild summers ever again. smiles.#upd3: mostly normal now
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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry
#the parasite talks#i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd#this is getting so sad#i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this#please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays#i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least#rn i will have to force staying awake#maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore#coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me#i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself#i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C#i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed#and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this#and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin#miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit
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I never have enough blankets and I'm always freezing but after all #imjustagirl
#coquette#girlblogging#hell is a teenage girl#female rage#sorry for being depressing#depressing shit#im just a girl#book quotes#mean girls#morning depression#freezing#cold weather#blanket
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ive set a monday alarm to go to the doctor because im so fucking depressed i cant imagine anything worthwhile about tomorrow so. wish me luck babes im gonna try really hard to go at all, for a referral to a new psyche+maybe therapist i desperately need meds
#every once in a while i think. what the fuck is wrong with me why cant i just. live like others do#and its like. ohhh ive been unmedicated for goin on 4 years now an that directly corresponds to how little ive been able to do in that time#unmedicated depression+anxiety + untreated agoraphobia is quite literally killing me#sorry to be so depressing on here but i just. dont want any of my friends to wonder where i am one day#im just trying to post stuff so i have to stick to going to the doctor#cause i wanna be okay n shit#no plans to go anywhere rn but im pretty passively suicidal#so ya im just. trying to be okay rn. really fucken hard#not a lot worth it rn. not very wanted around anyways. irl at least. sucks.#not to sound hopeless but ya im just tryin to have Some hope ig#ough. fuck man. its been a long time since ive been this bad off#it was comin and i knew it especially cold turkey off meds but. goddamn i really hoped i could get on meds b4 i got this bad#://////
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tummy hurts my final message goodbye
#ive had mild pelvic pain for like. half a week now. its a bit like period cramps + in the same area but not as intense. idfk why#I dont think its bowel (<-no other symptoms and pain area is too low down) or bladder related (<- usually more painful + affects peeing)#sometimes I do get cramps a few days before my period but im midway thru my cycle and idk its not usually like this#not ovulation pain either bc thats supposed to only last a few hours. i dont fucking knooooww#im trying not to think abt it or complain abt it bc if i focus on it too much ill imagine its worse than it is. its rly not that bad#just consistent which is annoying. hopefully itll pass in a few more days. adulthood is all abt having mysterious random pains in ur body#sorry for tmi abt my internal bodily functions do u guys still think im cool.#eurghhh. im glad i went out to parkour today but man i rly wasnt feeling like it. another depression weekend :-(#but its ok im a bit tired of complaining abt being depressed. who give a shit. im doing all i can at the moment and thats fine#back to jobhunting tmr hopefully itll be more fruitful. im expecting to hear back from a few ppl. we'll see. rolling my rock back uphill#im gonna go get a hot water bottle i think... my hands are soooo cold and maybe itll soothe tummy pain too#and then read a little more.. finished giovannis room earlier (so fucking good but. devastating) so im back onto deaths end#just another 350 pages to go.. v curious to see where its gonna end up cuz so much crazy shit keeps happening. im just at the fairytales#hope my loyal followers are having a peaceful weekend.... farewell#.diaries
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hey why the FUCK does summer make me so sad
#its been over a week#and it minda happens every year but moreso this year by far#i get like. seasonal depression but reversed bc it happens during summer#i hate the heat and if it hits 80f before noon i get filled with dread#i know i have a reversed circadian rhythym which is why i work rlly well on my 4pm-11pm shifts but like#does that like. apply to seasons?#i FLOURISH in winter#the long nights. the cold. the clouds.#i also have a heat intolerance and start sweating at 70F. even when i was underweight#my friend said maybe it could be the pressure to flourish in Summer like everyone else does#which is probably a part of it too#especially bc i work at a resort#idk idk idk im just suffering and have woken up crying several days in a row#morg talks#delete later#if youre still reading this hiiii i love you! so sorry for the uhhhhhhh Shit Show that im about to become over the next few months#just bear with me until fall hits
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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i am on what feels like a days long panic attack at this point and there is literally nothing worse on this earth than overthinking every function of your body to a degree where you feel like you want to or are going to die
#like what the fuck is this#it happened so suddenly and i was up#pacing last night... took a 2 hr long walk in the cold... almost#convinced myself i eneded to go to the er again even tho i dont think they can do anything#the lack of immediate relief literally can just make u.....#my brain has never been this bad in my life and it felt like it came on so abruptly and now im just flipping the hell out constantly#listening to meditation shit.... tried to knock myslef out last night w sleepin medicine but it just made me shaky#cant see a doctor til tomorrow morning and they said they cant prescribe anything that needs to be ided at the pharmacy like#idek what they Can prescribe for this stuff but i wish i could just get knocked out for 24 hrs jesus fucking christ#literally worst experience of my life rn. and ive been depressed and ******** before like god#GOD. fuck#feel like im making half the shit up but the panic is so real im so
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No, I take cold showers so I can marinate in my soul.
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Vent bevause my life sucks ass and The Purge isnt real
#currently stuck sitting up unable to laydown cus its too cold for my dad to leave#was gonna jack off the the depression but obviously cant do that now#and im so clausturphobic with all the trash and stuff#im literally squished into a one by one square for hours upon hours upon hours#and i cant stretch out my chronic pain unless i stand up straight#......i told my therapist im quitting#i realized i go there every weel basically apologizing for not getting anything done#shes really nice im just starting to hear it in her voice that she thinks im not trying or doing as much as i can#its nice to vent to someone but my dad keeps asking what i do at therapy and if its helping#...im very stressed and in so much pain#my dad gets so angry at my emotions and now im squeezed in with no escape#i seriously wanna die and nothing anyone is saying is changing my mind and thats really scary#like....we talked about what would happen to me if my dad died and if id be open to a group home or living with my sister#i cant imagine a world where i dont k!ll myself#my therapist tried to remind me that spring will come. but then summer comes and so do bugs and mold and heat.#i cant do another year of this but i also cant get the courage to actually end it#(only cus im worried that ill survive a pill death and wreck my liver with pain; i dont wanna live with more pain)#if i had a gun this would be easy#i wish i was a kid so that the goverment could force my Dad to get his life right#im a stupid little kid trapped in an adult body#i wish there was someone to call for help :(#but nobody can DO anything. they can only say everything i already know.#i so badly need to be physically saved...#i imagine being kidnapped by a stalker in his warm basement with a bed#:( i need someone to care for me.....#i wish i wasnt so fucking needy i wush i could take care of myself#my helplessness and neediness is ruining my life in more ways than one#my dad acts like im crazy for crying and being depressed......#im 25yrs old and i have to talk about marriage and social workers and stupid deep shit out of nescessity#my sister gets to just live a normal life n get married n do things for herself and be independent she doesnt have to think about deep shit
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