#im just. depressed as shit and cold as shit.
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sorry if i am more distant in ims/disco i am really just not feeling well mentally. even if i'm active on the dash sometimes responding to personal messages is just too much for me. i am sorry if i have upset anyone because of this. if you are concerned about my lack of responses or delay time in responding please just ask.
#chuck speaks.#negativity tw.#fourth person to block me over this and i just#im sorry guys! i feel bad.#i dont want to make anyone feel like i dont care abt them#or i have no interest in chatting and writing#im just. depressed as shit and cold as shit.
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random insane headcanon but i firmly believe albin takes exclusively cold showers.
#like freezing cold. or he adjusts the the knob only the slightest fraction above the coldest#when he was younger he probs just got used to it from lauchpad's student showers#but now he just like. does it. he's miserable abt it btw#he Could be using hot water but at this point it's so routine it doesnt occur to him#a hot water shower wld fix him btw. only for like 12 min but it wld fix him#he'd still be a child celebrity that fell off but that constant crinkle between his brows would relax for 12 min#and he'd come out of the shower slightly more content#until he realizes too late that he's out of clean underwear#or gets a text that he inexplicably has to work overtime at his toilet paper shift tmrw#or spills the hot chocolate sol left in his room onto his towel#then he's back to average albin patheticness levels#^^^^ all that shit still happens btw. he's just already resigned when he steps out of his cold shower#albin pembroke#also full disclosure im like a month behind on naddpod cause of ✨the depression✨#so this thought is completely independent of whatever theyve been doing recently lol#i jusr think albin would take cold showers#lmk if u disagree. pleasepleaseplease engage with me i wanr fandom friends
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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry
#the parasite talks#i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd#this is getting so sad#i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this#please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays#i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least#rn i will have to force staying awake#maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore#coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me#i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself#i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C#i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed#and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this#and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin#miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit
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I never have enough blankets and I'm always freezing but after all #imjustagirl
#coquette#girlblogging#hell is a teenage girl#female rage#sorry for being depressing#depressing shit#im just a girl#book quotes#mean girls#morning depression#freezing#cold weather#blanket
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#went down a wikipedia rabbithole tonight and learned some chilean history#specifically around project cybersyn#President Salvador Allende#and the 1973 Military coup#and uh#fucking tragic#i think ive existed in a strange(? maybe its actually relatively common idrk) position as an American leftist where like#the crimes of american imperialism feel so innumerable to where at a certain point you stop learning about them on purpose#so like for years ive 'known' that what the USG has done to South America was awful#i 'learned' about honduras and so I just applied that as a template and went 'yeah some awful shit happened and its the CIAs fault'#but uh getting a bit more detailed knowledge about what our government did in chile has made me realize how callous that was#i dont know that ive nessecarily earned my previous attitude of 'cold detached and depressed' given#that not only did I not live through any of it but also that it was done in my benefit#god maybe this is some milquetoast shit#idk#I think being a leftist in the US is having to fight the passivating force of imperialism constantly#like lose sight of it for a second and it just fucking blends back in with the landscape#the internally defensive structure you build in your brain to protect yourself from complete emotional collapse while buying food#will equally be effective in ignoring the role of imperialism in everything else#anyway#I think this is perhaps a good opportunity to learn more about the other crimes the USG has committed in South America#to actually know the names and pronunciation of the deomcratically elected socialist leaders we deposed and what they really wanted to do#to know how their people felt and thought about things rather than imposing my own assumptions onto a reigon I am utterly ignorant of#it is embarrassing now to know the fullness of history I have ignored#Salvador Allendes words really fucking got to me and to think that there are men like him who I cannot even name is really disappointing#im going to stop self flaggellating and see about that reading#just my thoughts#feeling a little blue tonight
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Personal tier list of main yakuza antagonist deaths ranked from Least Aggravating to I’m Going To Eat Drift Wood ok it goes mine → nishiki → ryuji → aoki
#spoilers#snap chats#my opinion and heres why#Redeemed Through Death is such an aggravating trope but mines is the only one i can vaguely let slide#like richardson couldve been clocked out cold or just straight-up died in that scene mine didnt have to die but w/e#at least i can justify it by being like. This Is Why Daigo's So Depressed Afterwards LMAO (˘･_･˘)#still pisses me off/makes me sad though. i would love to see how he bounced back from uhh Everything LMAOO#nishiki- that shit was senseless like bro stumble out of that room right now and shoot the briefcase you prick#youre so dramatic GOD#nishiki and mine are tied tbh im only slightly more at peace with mines death#ryujis just. ryujis just the funniest character period bro was just here to beat up kiryu#see ryujis death is more funny than aggravating like kaoru was really like 'hey lets go home now yeah'#and ryuji was like 'NO i want to KILL HIM' and. FUNNIEST SHIT plus i live by dead souls canon. hes fine hes chill hes selling takoyaki#theres nothing funny or redeeming about aokis death like. like that shit was just depressing and infuriating#like there was legitimately no reason he had to die- you can justify it for the other three to an extent#but aoki's was just like. they had to fill out a quota in the most Are You Fucking Kidding Me way#its like when youre playing fire emblem on classic mode and youre at the very end of the map and suddenly one of your units gets killed#and youre just like Are You Fucking Kidding Me x2 Where Did That Come From cause you didnt check EVERYTHING before making your move#aokis death pisses me off the most like at least i can laugh at the other three or like be Whatever about it#god just let him rot in jail im begging you i hate it here#ok bye im gonna do those six fanarts challenge#might be more than six idk i dont know how to say no LMAO
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ive set a monday alarm to go to the doctor because im so fucking depressed i cant imagine anything worthwhile about tomorrow so. wish me luck babes im gonna try really hard to go at all, for a referral to a new psyche+maybe therapist i desperately need meds
#every once in a while i think. what the fuck is wrong with me why cant i just. live like others do#and its like. ohhh ive been unmedicated for goin on 4 years now an that directly corresponds to how little ive been able to do in that time#unmedicated depression+anxiety + untreated agoraphobia is quite literally killing me#sorry to be so depressing on here but i just. dont want any of my friends to wonder where i am one day#im just trying to post stuff so i have to stick to going to the doctor#cause i wanna be okay n shit#no plans to go anywhere rn but im pretty passively suicidal#so ya im just. trying to be okay rn. really fucken hard#not a lot worth it rn. not very wanted around anyways. irl at least. sucks.#not to sound hopeless but ya im just tryin to have Some hope ig#ough. fuck man. its been a long time since ive been this bad off#it was comin and i knew it especially cold turkey off meds but. goddamn i really hoped i could get on meds b4 i got this bad#://////
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#rex.png#had my dad scan them#also currently absolutely losing my fucking mind it is 4:34 am and i can not bring myself to give a shit about thos project#genuinely i couldn't care less i kind of want to do cus what else is there to do im bored#i just need to give a shit for like 2 more weeks but boss im gonna be honest i just want to sleep#also the attention from killing myself but in a normal way#not even 2 more weeks. like 13 days. then im free. i will be out of here. god what is my problem this depression is NOT seasonal anymore#my feet are really cold and im still sick and its really genuinely hard to think about going back to school tomorrow or this week or ever#i feeeeeel done. and yet#😭 not even really obsessed with that kpop boy anymore nothing going for me#FUCK i feel behind in everything even fucking GENSHIN IMPACT
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tummy hurts my final message goodbye
#ive had mild pelvic pain for like. half a week now. its a bit like period cramps + in the same area but not as intense. idfk why#I dont think its bowel (<-no other symptoms and pain area is too low down) or bladder related (<- usually more painful + affects peeing)#sometimes I do get cramps a few days before my period but im midway thru my cycle and idk its not usually like this#not ovulation pain either bc thats supposed to only last a few hours. i dont fucking knooooww#im trying not to think abt it or complain abt it bc if i focus on it too much ill imagine its worse than it is. its rly not that bad#just consistent which is annoying. hopefully itll pass in a few more days. adulthood is all abt having mysterious random pains in ur body#sorry for tmi abt my internal bodily functions do u guys still think im cool.#eurghhh. im glad i went out to parkour today but man i rly wasnt feeling like it. another depression weekend :-(#but its ok im a bit tired of complaining abt being depressed. who give a shit. im doing all i can at the moment and thats fine#back to jobhunting tmr hopefully itll be more fruitful. im expecting to hear back from a few ppl. we'll see. rolling my rock back uphill#im gonna go get a hot water bottle i think... my hands are soooo cold and maybe itll soothe tummy pain too#and then read a little more.. finished giovannis room earlier (so fucking good but. devastating) so im back onto deaths end#just another 350 pages to go.. v curious to see where its gonna end up cuz so much crazy shit keeps happening. im just at the fairytales#hope my loyal followers are having a peaceful weekend.... farewell#.diaries
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hey why the FUCK does summer make me so sad
#its been over a week#and it minda happens every year but moreso this year by far#i get like. seasonal depression but reversed bc it happens during summer#i hate the heat and if it hits 80f before noon i get filled with dread#i know i have a reversed circadian rhythym which is why i work rlly well on my 4pm-11pm shifts but like#does that like. apply to seasons?#i FLOURISH in winter#the long nights. the cold. the clouds.#i also have a heat intolerance and start sweating at 70F. even when i was underweight#my friend said maybe it could be the pressure to flourish in Summer like everyone else does#which is probably a part of it too#especially bc i work at a resort#idk idk idk im just suffering and have woken up crying several days in a row#morg talks#delete later#if youre still reading this hiiii i love you! so sorry for the uhhhhhhh Shit Show that im about to become over the next few months#just bear with me until fall hits
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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i am on what feels like a days long panic attack at this point and there is literally nothing worse on this earth than overthinking every function of your body to a degree where you feel like you want to or are going to die
#like what the fuck is this#it happened so suddenly and i was up#pacing last night... took a 2 hr long walk in the cold... almost#convinced myself i eneded to go to the er again even tho i dont think they can do anything#the lack of immediate relief literally can just make u.....#my brain has never been this bad in my life and it felt like it came on so abruptly and now im just flipping the hell out constantly#listening to meditation shit.... tried to knock myslef out last night w sleepin medicine but it just made me shaky#cant see a doctor til tomorrow morning and they said they cant prescribe anything that needs to be ided at the pharmacy like#idek what they Can prescribe for this stuff but i wish i could just get knocked out for 24 hrs jesus fucking christ#literally worst experience of my life rn. and ive been depressed and ******** before like god#GOD. fuck#feel like im making half the shit up but the panic is so real im so
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Vent
Tw: SH and su!c!de
#:(#another day of feeling useless#my life is going by and all i do is rot :(#i just want God to posess me with an Angel so i can be done failing my family#im so broken i need to talk to someone but my dad n sister cant help me :(#im just so fucking lonely and i treat therpy like a drug fix like im in hives waiting for thursday#my sister is too cold and my dad just...cant not say the wrong thing#i think im gonna have to SH to avoid a meltdown :(#i dont like doing it chs i get so fuckin itchy#but i have 0 outlet#....well#my therapist told me to use sex as an outlet#but i really dont wanna do that right now#s-x is about loving yourself and rn i hate myself so badly#sh just lets me open up cus im literally physical breaking at the seams cus of how much i keep to myself#its just not right to unload my stuff onto friends or helpless family#especially since my shit has no answers or hopr#i mostly just wanna be held#the only reason im not attempting to end it all is cus i already know what a burden a failed attempt causes#i xant watch anything or do anything without zoning out minutes later.....#all i can do is spiral and sleep#im just so fucking sad i hate this life i wanna start over i keep failing evrryone around me#i wanna be posessed by an agel so my soul can rest but my body can now actually take care of evrryonr#i dunno what to do :(#my dad says the hospital isnt a good idea but im so fucking sad n tired n wanna die#it feels like no one actually takes me seriously cus ive never sucessfully tried or been to the hospital#feels like my family thinks im lazy depressed imstead of very deeply depressed#everytime my dad says “youre looking for an answer thats not you.” or “i guess i gotta fix things without you” I WANNA FUCKIN DIE#i wanna rip my whole skin off n jjst die....thats how he sees me..#..
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im watching a mcelroy family clubhouse video the brothers streaming show. IDK how to explain why but theyre showing comics they drew at the request of their comics illustrator who did the art for a series they make based on their podcast. ok oof so much context sorry itll be quick. and its just so sweet to see what their art looks like. Its crazy some people dont draw like thats so personal and revealing. To me its like an avenue of communication and becoming someones friend, seeing their artstyle. I wish everyone could just be open to drawing a comic panel that they try their hardest and also care about?
#em yaps#ok sorry m high ive been kinda depressed lately but im starting a new job yakno trying to get my whimsey out before i wont be able to anymo#anyway#this is so charming#i love earnest art no matter what#idk im losing it a little bit u know#its so. hard to be facing change but have to wait for it to hit like#knowing youre gonna be sick in a week after ur friends start reporting colds#idk#do you think its ok to be scared of everything forever? maybe thats just what im like and i shouldnt feel like i gotta fix that#its so nice when you ahve a friend who starts drawing its like you have a new way to talk#like another language#oh shit its exactly like that#i remember in hs i wouldmake my buds draw with me sometimes or write notes to me that felt similar#but i always felt like i had to convince someone to actually let themselves do it sincerely and with me ? yaknow?#kinda like when ur a kid and u wanna play toys with someone but they wont take you seriously#earnestness.....#i think thats the most important thing on earth
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my supervisor AND my manager both aren't in today so I'm just practicing shit... im boored
#ive done 2 rounds of free fatty acid titration + gonna do a round of dh spectophotometry this afternoon to mix it up...#i was meant to be working more on emc w my supervisor but cant do it without her here so. we wait#i mean its not that boring i like doing the actual work. but theres just so much waiting inbetween stages#and its not a long enough length of time to go do anything else so i just have to stand around and look busy..#yawwwn. wish i had more to do to distract me from thinking im fighting for my life defending the mental fort against le depression#tis the season innit. its weird bc on some levels im doing far better this year than i have the past few years like im managing it rly well#mainly through heavy control of how im allowing myself to talk + think abt things im trying to nip anything -ve in the bud#prevention is better than having to drag my limp cold body back out of that hole#but also at the same time. there are things im deeply dissatisfied with + cause me a lot of pain to think abt#which im having to shelve bc most of them are beyond my ability to solve. or just take time/alternative environments#and also bc ik that this time of year i dont have the mental tools or energy to dedicate towards solving anything complex#so im just. very detached from how i feel. locking that shit in the back of the freezer until spring. what can u do yknow#at least i have a job to keep me busy and make me too tired to think in the evenings. im surfing this shit fine for now#OKAY five more mins and i can take this stuff out of the incubator and go to lunch woohoo#this rambling is what HAPPENS when i dont have enough to do at work. smfh#.diaries
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