#im just very invested in the ways in which i can convey what its like to have this shitass disorder

[frankotalk]

im having so much fun writing cadet because hes just like this every day

[icallhimjoey]

To Have And To Scold

♥ ♥  Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your best friends are getting married, and who else can they ask to be their best man and maid of honour but you and Joe? It's just that... you don't really get along all that well, do you? At least, that's what you think.

CW / disclaimer: sort of enemies to sort of lovers (very vague, im sorry, but you'll see), slow burn, language, drinking, rpf, fem!reader

Author’s note: here's part 3! it's looking like this story is going to be surpassing my usual 5 parts... so, um... i hope everyone gets invested enough to keep reading past that!

Wordcount: 4K

part one - part two - part three - part four - part five - part six - part seven - part eight - part nine - part ten - epilogue

You couldn't stop thinking about it, and it was so dumb. But... you simply couldn't help it.

That framed picture somehow would find its way back into your thoughts every so often. It felt a little weird, but you also kept almost automatically rationalising it for yourself. You had photos with Mark all over; your social media pages were littered with photographs of the two of you throughout the years, and the comments accompanying them would probably make anyone feel the same way you did about that framed photograph in Joe's hallway.

So then, why did that framed photograph feel so weird to you?

Joe loved Poppy like you loved Mark, you knew that to be true. The only reason Poppy wasn't weird about your friendship with Mark was because of her friendship with Joe.

You all understood on a level not many other people did.

But still... you didn't know why, but, that photograph of the two of them felt... odd. Kind of raised your hackles a little. So, you asked Mark if he'd seen it when he was over at yours for snack night: a night of lots of snacks and dips as a substitute for dinner.

"So, I've got a question... remember when I went over to visit Joe two weeks ago?"

Mark snuck a baby carrot into his mouth that scooped up a dollop of hummus twice its size, and then immediately wanted to say something.

"Hmm," Mark hummed urgently, his face in a deep frown as he chewed.

It took ages for him to get it down, but you waited because going straight in to call Mark's fiance's friend weird might not have been the best way to go about this.

"Yea, what the fuck happened?" Mark asked, eyes big, but already aimed at another snack to grab from another bowl.

"What do you mean? Nothing happened,"

Mark looked at you all sarcastically as he chewed, as if to say, yea, all right, sure.

"What? We talked about your wedding, set dates for events, you know, figured some things out," you waved a hand around to convey the casuality, "But–"

You were about to ask Mark if he'd seen that framed photo of Joe and Poppy that he'd cropped the two of you out of, but Mark interjected before you could bring it up.

"No... something happened." Mark said matter-of-factly and then he paused and looked at you, ready to listen to what you had to say for yourself. But, you kept quiet too, because what the fuck was he on about? So, Mark continued, "Joe didn't speak to Poppy for like... five days? Four or five days after that, which is," Mark leant back and tilted his head back to shout his next words towards the ceiling, "a huuuuge deal!"

"Oh, well, that must've been unrelated to our meeting... we just talked about your wedding, he said I was nice, and–"

"Ah!"

Mark pointed a finger at you that he held right next to his face, one eye closed as he looked at you.

"That's it. He said you were nice,"

"I am nice," you argued.

"Yea, we tell Joe all the time... but he said you were nice?"

Opting to ignore the fact that you'd now heard from several sources that people were talking about you behind your back, you explained how you'd nearly walked out after Joe thought he was being smart that night. How you had said that you were a nice person, implying that Joe could just have been friendly and polite, and it would've been normal. And then you explained how, at the end of the night, Joe had struggled through telling you that he agreed and thought you were nice too. You mocked Joe to paint a vivid picture for Mark and exaggeratedly stuttered your way through the words Joe'd said.

Mark just ate and listened to you, and by the end shook his head a little at your impression, a dangerous smile playing his face.

"But have you seen that framed photograph he has in his hallway? Right by the front door?"

You finally got to the point you were trying to make.

"Of Pop?"

"The one we're cropped out of," you were hoping for Mark to be a little outraged, but he remained totally calm.

"Yea, Poppy has the same one, we've got it framed upstairs, on the landing," Mark said as he licked spilled mascarpone from his finger. "Smaller version, though,"

"We're cropped out of that,"

"Yea,"

"Mark... we're cropped out of that," you needed more of a reaction from him.

"Yes."

But you didn't get it. Mark didn't seem bothered at all. Like you'd said, Mark was made of trust and had just gone and proven it once more.

"He went and had a photo printed that he then had to cut two people out of... don't you think that's weird?"

"Why would it be weird?"

"I mean, I don't know... there are so many other pictures of the two of them, why did he choose a pic that he had to cut us out of,"

Mark shrugged, said, "It's a nice photo of them," and that was that. It was a nice photo of them. It just... it bothered you. You were unable to articulate why it did, exactly.

A phone buzzed on the table, and both of you looked to see if yours was the one that was ringing. It turned out to be Mark's.

Joe was calling.

"Speaking of," Mark said, answering and bringing the phone to his ear, "Joe!"

Mark listened, then rolled his eyes at you even though you had no idea what Joe was telling him.

"How drunk?"

You couldn't help but let a huffed laugh escape you. Poppy and Joe had gone to the pub, you knew. Context clues filled you in on the situation.

"Fucking hell," Mark said and kind of slumped into your sofa more as he listened to whatever Joe was telling him. "I mean, I'd give you advice, but you've been in this situation more than I have,"

Mark was going to have to leave, wasn't he?

He suddenly laughed loudly at something Joe said, head tipped back, mouth wide open, before muttering, "Shared responsibility," softly, indicating he was repeating Joe's words back to him.

"Yea, no. All right, that's fine... see you in a bit. Keep a close eye on her, though, will you?"

Mark said it with love so evident in his voice, it made you scrunch up your eyebrows. If someone else had been there, you'd have made eye-contact with them and would've probably audibly awed.

Mark laughed again at something Joe said, then shook his head as he looked at you, like you knew what the fuck was going on.

When Mark hung up, he turned to you and without any warning said, "Let's go, we're going to the pub."

When you walked in about twenty minutes later, the place was absolutely packed.

"Go grab four beers, I'll find them," Mark said, and you asked, "Four beers? Not three beers and, I don't know, a sprite for Pop?"

"Four beers," Mark said again, holding four fingers up for emphasis before he pushed himself in between a few people and disappeared into the crowd. Off to find Poppy and Joe.

You turned towards the bar and sighed at the fact that Joe and Poppy hadn't just gone to a normal pub, but somehow, one that seemed to exclusively house an after-work-drinks sort of crowd. Most people were dressed smartly, men in suits with top buttons undone and women in pencil skirts and high heels that crossed their legs at the ankles as they held drinks against forearms that were folded over their stomachs. You were in jeans and converse and definitely felt out of place, but the atmosphere was nice. You almost couldn't hear the music over the loud chatter and the belly laughs.

Just when you thought, okay so how am I going to get these four drinks over to my friends when I don't know where they are, all three of them popped up right beside you.

And Poppy was wasted.

"Babe," she slurred as she slung both her arms around your neck the minute she laid eyes on you; eyes that were barely open and kind of crossed over, mind you.

For someone semi-posh, Poppy got sloppy alarmingly quick when alcohol entered her system. She was like you in that way.

"I love you, you know that?" Poppy sprayed into your ear loudly, voice control out of the window, and it made you wince at Mark over her shoulder.

"I'm taking her home," Mark said and that's when you noticed that Joe was trying to get one of Poppy's arms into her coat. She was still attached to you, however, so it really wasn't working out for him.

"I really do," Poppy didn't pay Joe any mind and instead evaded his hands and grabbed you by the face as she pulled back from her hug. For a second you were scared she was going to plant a fat drunk kiss right onto your face.

"Not like Mark does obviously, but I do love you, you're amazing,"

You frowned through a smile, not sure where this was coming from. Had Joe and Poppy talked about the two of you like you and Mark had talked about the two of them? That didn't sound completely out of this world. Kind of made sense, actually.

"Okay, Poppy," your frown turned into scrunched up eyebrows, but your smile remained, unwavering.

"No, listen to me," Poppy got all serious, her hands still clasping your face. She tried to make stern eye-contact, but her eyes were dancing.

"Let's go Pop," Mark interrupted, but it was like he wasn't even there.

"You're so important,"

She was so, so drunk. You could smell the liquor on her breath.

"Thanks,"

"And nice,"

You shot eyes over to Joe who quickly looked down, folding Poppy's coat over his arm, giving up on trying to get Poppy to put it on. He passed it to Mark who leant in to say something closer to his ear that you didn't catch, but Joe laughed, mouthed, "Tequila," and then held up 6 fingers. Mark groaned.

"Poppy," you moved your hands to covers hers and softly pried them off of you. "Thank you. I love you too. But, look who's waiting," you pointed a small finger over her shoulder at Mark, and Poppy seemed very annoyed which only made you laugh.

"Let's go, babe," Mark took hold of Poppy's shoulders and you saw him work to hold her up as much as he was working to guide her towards the exit. Her feet were everywhere and nowhere, just like her the aim of her eyes.

"Good luck," Joe grinned at Mark who looked back over his shoulder.

The two of you made eye-contact, and within 2 seconds of just looking at each other, you'd said goodbye and promised to call each other tomorrow, all unspoken.

"Don't let those beers to go waste," Mark nodded towards the bar where the four beers you'd just paid for still stood, waiting to be drunk.

Oh.

Immediate panic washed over you.

Mark and Poppy were leaving, which meant now you and Joe had four beers to share and... you and Joe had four beers to share.

Mark could've been smug about it. Could've made a face at you to tease, but he hadn't. Had just quickly said to drink the drinks and then turned his full attention to his fiancé who was bumping and leaning into people left, right, and center.

"You got it," Joe wasn't going to let himself be told twice and slid two glasses slightly more towards you before grabbing the other two, one drink in each hand, double fisting. It looked like Joe had also had a few drinks already, which, of course he had. Poppy hadn't been doing tequila shots on her own, you assumed.

Suddenly, your evening with Mark of bitching about Joe from the comfortability of your own sofa in your own flat had turned into an evening in a posh pub with the actual dude himself. Alone. Just the two of you in a sea of suits, button-ups and pencil skirts. The prospect of it was awful.

Who would mind two wasted beers? No one really. Certainly not you, at least. Joe could have all four if he wanted. You were about to come with a dumb excuse, a polite one, to get out of there, but before you could, Joe cleared his throat.

"So," Joe said, and you couldn't believe what you were seeing. Joe was sort of turned to you, full body language engaged and ready for a chat.

A chat.

With you.

Like normal people.

Like friends.

"Who's going to be your plus one?" Joe asked and immediately busied his mouth as he took a slow sip of beer, peering at you over the glass.

You frowned a little at his question, and then more at the way he looked. All suited up, top buttons of his shirt undone, loafers – he looked like everyone else there, fit right in amongst the office crowd even though you knew very well Joe didn't have an office job. Joe didn't know how to do water-cooler-talk, didn't know how office gossip worked. Why these after-work drinks at the pub were such an important part of working in an office. You did, or had done, but still, Joe fit in with everyone else and it was very clear that you didn't.

It made you feel inferior but also a little rebellious at the same time.

You reached for a drink for yourself, deciding that you actually would mind wasting two beers that you'd paid for and you copied Joe, taking an even slower sip than he did, buying yourself time. If this was going to happen, if you were going to have drinks and be out with Joe, you weren't going to be the first one to back out. You had said you were going to at least try to be friendly, hadn't you? And it seemed like Joe was trying, so now you had to too.

"For the wedding," Joe clarified, like you didn't understand what he originally meant.

You took long to answer, smacked your lips and looked at your glass as you lowered it, saying, "I don't think we get plus ones, Joe,"

It was Joe's turn to frown.

"Of course we do,"

"Don't think so,"

You had the wedding invitation stuck under a magnet on your fridge. Saw it every day. Nowhere did it mention a plus one for you. You assumed later because you'd been asked to be Mark's best man. You'd have actual jobs to do. Bringing a date just to leave him stranded was weird, and so it made sense to you.

"Why wouldn't we?"

Joe hadn't had the same train of thought, it turned out.

"Does your wedding invitation have a plus one on? Because mine doesn't,"

Joe thought back, eyes darting around but not really looking at anything. "I don't... I don't remember word for word exactly what the invitation said–" Joe paused abruptly and looked at you, one corner of his mouth slightly upturned. "Well, I do, of course," He didn't, but he didn't need you to know that. "But surely..."

"I think they kind of want us to focus on the jobs we've been given," you said, feeling all smug that you got to tell Joe something he didn't know yet. One-upping Joe felt stupidly good. You were in jeans! In dirty old canvas trainers!

"Oh yea," Joe quipped, and you didn't like how casual that suddenly sounded.

"Like not forgetting the rings,"

And there it was. In a reflex, you lifted your middle finger up at him and immediately realised that Joe could absolutely take full offense. You weren't people who flipped each other off for fun. You said you were to at least try to be friendly, but nothing else had really changed since your meeting over at Joe's house. You weren't suddenly people who were comfortable around each other to be mean in ways you could be mean with Mark, knowing that the bickering was never damaging but more a fun way to get actual frustrations out.

But luckily, Joe gasped a small gasp through a wide smile. No offense taken.

"I thought you said you were nice," the face Joe made almost seemed flirty.

"And you agreed," you threw right back at him. "Even told Pop about it,"

Joe didn't argue, and so you knew you were right. Joe and Poppy had talked about you and Mark.

A pause followed where you weren't sure how to continue the conversation, and the feeling of wanting to abandon the evening all together crept back in. You'd had half a beer, had said some words to each other, so you knew it'd be all right for you to now go, well, I actually have to go get going. But then, something else crossed your mind.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Joe absolutely wasn't expecting the tone switch in you, suddenly sort of serious.

"Have you thought about your speech already?"

You'd briefly mentioned it the other night, your speeches. You'd said that you would just need to make sure that the vague idea of them wouldn't be insanely different from each other. If you were just going to do a a short quick little cute speech, Joe couldn't do an insanely long one that included a whole PowerPoint presentation, or something else insane, like a song. But, you'd very quickly come to the conclusion that neither of you wanted to speak into a microphone for very long.

You wanted your speech to be heartwrenchingly beautiful though. Mark was going to fucking wail at his wedding, you'd absolutely make sure of it.

"I have," Joe said, nodded slowly, and for a second you thought, how the fuck is this guy an actor?! He was obviously lying.

"Okay..." you phrased it like a question, and a short silence followed where you both narrowed your eyes at each other, not fully trusting what wasn't said aloud. Joe was confusing you and you didn't like it.

"But we really don't get plus ones?"

You knew Poppy would have laughed at the way he said it. You didn't. You just shrugged.

"Maybe Poppy doesn't want you to bring a date, just because,"

Oof. Wrong thing to say. Insinuating all kinds of things Joe didn't appreciate, you could see it in the sudden tension in his jaw. It hit almost below the belt. You kind of meant it, though. Had that blown up framed photo of them on your mind still.

"And perhaps Mark doesn't want you to bring one for the same reason,"

You learnt the hard way that dishing it out was far easier than taking it.

That stung, like it always did when people would assume you and Mark were dating, and wouldn't believe it when you said you weren't.

It stung almost extra because you'd just thrown someone a comment you hated getting yourself, and then got it right back like you deserved. The fact that it was from someone who'd probably gotten the comment loads too made you feel even worse about it.

Served you right.

If the air between you hadn't been awkward but maybe sort of pleasant for a second, you missed it.

Slow sips from wet beer glasses were had, and you cursed yourself for not being able to just call it a night already. You were committed to win this now, even though none of this was a contest. Nothing ever was, but you were just like that. Couldn't help wanting to win at everything, especially when it came to petty shit like this. There was no way you were going to leave this pub before Joe did.

It was all awkward comments, feigned naturalness and ease, and when you finished your second beer, you hated how Joe just went and ordered another two. He kept you there and you realised he was onto you. He fucking knew you weren’t going to say no, weren’t going to be the one to back out first. You were too much like Poppy in that way, you thought, and it felt a little vulnerable. Like Joe could read you, could really see right through you, just because he knew Poppy so well.

But with alcohol in your system, you started feeling invincible. Feelings like guilt and regret took a back seat, which was dangerous.

Made you order the next round, just out of sheer spite. And you'd barely eaten - just things like cucumber and carrots with hummus and tzatziki - and started to really feel the effects of it.

Made you smile at a stranger like you shared an inside joke when he bumped into Joe and made him spill some of his drink.

Made you ask stupid questions, like why Joe had a cropped photo of him and Poppy framed in his hallway.

"I don't know if you've fully understood the situation, but I can explain it in simpler words, if you'd like?"

Patronising. Joe spoke to you like you were an idiot.

"I am friends with Poppy, and have been friends with her for a looong time. We're family, and sometimes it's nice to have photographs of family up on your walls. Some people think so, at least,"

So very patronising, it was honestly insulting. He was also missing the point. Didn't understand what you meant. He probably wouldn't, even if you explained it, you thought, so you left it alone.

"It's okay if you don't get it," Joe looked down his glass before adding, "if you don't have that same sort of bond with Mark, I don't expect you to understand," and taking a sip.

Too far.

You were getting too intoxicated to just... take shit like this.

"Oh you wouldn't fucking know what friendship was if it stared you right in the face," you challenged.

For a second tonight had been about proving to each other that your friendship with you best friends didn't cross any inappropriate boundaries. Now, however, it was suddenly all about proving to Joe that your friendship with Mark outweighed his friendship with Poppy.

Joe had no fucking idea how bonded you and Mark were.

How you'd gone through absolutely shit in your teens, and how Mark had managed to haul you through, pulling you out at the other end with a lot less scars than you'd imagined beforehand.

How you'd spent years not thinking you'd live past your teens, battered and bruised from trusting people you were told time and time again you could trust. Had to trust. But should've never trusted. How Mark was the one who'd held out a friendly hand and had proven to you time and time again that men sometimes didn't want all the things you weren't ready to give. Weren't willing to hand over.

How Mark had fixed parts of you which you'd redeemed unfixable until he'd gotten all up in there.

How Mark was solely responsible for your strong belief in the power of kindness. The power of true friendship. The platonic soulmates type of shit.

Joe had no fucking idea. And so you told him again, "You wouldn't even fucking recognise it,"

Joe was about to fight you on it, but he felt something had shifted. Saw something in your expression, in your eyes, that made him swallow his words whole.

Joe saw something that made him believe you on your word. Maybe his friendship with Poppy was a small tiny thing in comparison.

"I'm sorry," Joe's features softened immediately upon the sight of you, and it was all kinds of wrong.

Somehow everything felt unfair all of the sudden.

You needed to leave.

Needed to be polite and thank Joe for the lovely evening all sarcastically and leave without a good excuse to do so. Just, get out.

Away from Joe who didn't understand. Who made fun. Who judged. And who was he to fucking talk?

When you hurridly turned, intending to run, Joe gently reached and touched your upper arm. Strong fingers, but somehow a soft touch.

"I need to leave," you said, and without saying anything else, Joe let you go and let you walk out.

No questions asked.

No goodbye from either of you.

—

The Taglisted: 

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(taglist currently full, sorry)

[justlet-melive]

here’s a question :3 uh do you have like any favourite anatomy or reference books/texts. or any tips for doing study’s??

sorry if this is like annoying or weird idk i’ve just been a little obsessed with your art lately. the way you capture shape and movement is so fantastic. you have such a talent for capturing characters personality through visual quirks too. idk like the way you draw ellie tlou is so specific. it’s not exactly on model but it’s kind of better lol. i can instantly tell most of what you need to know about her. same with your recent astarions like idk you’ve just managed to capture a real physicality about him that i think can be hard. idk i’m maybe biased but i think without any exposure to the game you could probably guess how he moves and sounds from your art.

idk uh sorry if this is worded weird i feel like i always do that LOL okay though anyways i adore your art it’s just so distinct. i’d eat it if i could. i’d honestly do a lot to capture even a fraction of the magic you’re creating. okay hope this message finds you well BYE

no need to feel self conscious about doing me a kindness in the form of gratifying to read, thoughtful observations of my fanart!!!!

thank you. very late response because i wanted to respond with some equally thoughtful advice and also let my ego calm down a bit, but..

im 'lazy' and like to keep drawing for fun as easy as possible. So i dont have any reference books hm... You obviously look at art and are able to relay to yourself and others what you saw and felt. thats the skill you should always indulge. looking at all kinds of things youre drawn to and observing why. best ref! (thanks again btw, best feeling being on the receiving end of that. to be... astarion voice: Seen in the Eyes of Another)

I have studied (and continue to do so when i get the chance) figure drawing at my community college, which was a big leap. i ended up focusing a lot on the relationship between the ribcage/pelvis/flow of the spine at that time. still my favorite part of drawing lol. During my most recent artblock i started copying muscle anatomy pages from a Morpho book as a way to keep drawing without a proper fixation. which is great because i also love the weight of flesh :^D

if you'd like my 'woo-woo advice' it's to get lost in the process and less invested in the results. and never be embarrassed. it'll keep you drawing (behind every piece of successful fanart is a mountain of scrap drawings of Fictional Guy #2378 facing 3/4 left.) and its meditative!! cathartic? personally i like to have a song/playlist to keep up the emotion im trying to work out going throughout my drawing session. helps me tell if the expression im drawing feels 'right'

and on the topic of drawing off model--!! Anytime im onto a new character i do spend a few sessions tracing their proportions/copying their models. after i figure out more or less what about their original design makes that Character i like to lose the training wheels. artistic interpretation is more interesting for me to look at and create. and i think it frees you up to better convey a feeling. the more you draw something the more you settle into 'what works' but i never set out to draw the same way twice! usually never anyway

thank you again for taking time to observe my drawings, and relaying back what you saw and felt. it honestly makes my day(s) to the point i almost feel guilty about it

[onlyjaeyun]

Dude I fucking loved CH wth 🤭

I'm being so honest right now, you had me invested from the very beginning, there's something about the way you write your characters that make them feel like actual humans, and I loved every second of it

Starting with oc obviously, i was completely enamored by her, bc yeah she's an absolute baddie, she's good at her job, knows what she's doing, is loving, honest, smart, and so freaking pretty. But she also has some heavy ass baggage, is still learning how to navigate her way through life, puts her loved ones (found family) above anything else, which we know has its good and bad side, and is learning to love and honor herself in a more healthy way

The pain was real whenever the angst waves came around, seeing all the shit she had to put up with, and never prioritizing herself, but that only made me love even more those steps of growth, confidence, self respect, and accountability she kept on taking after every hardship. (I legit started tearing up at the part about owning her pleasure, and understanding that regardless of whoever her sexual partner was, the decisions, vulnerability and enjoyment are hers to own and live to the fullest).

Same thing with all the relationships in the story, from the Nishimuras bond, history, and fight to actually be left alone by that bitchass family, to each of the friendships, between the boys, with yn individually, and with tsuki 😭😭😭 I love them so much you have no idea, they're SO FUCKING ADORABLE, AND REAL, AND GOOD AND REASSURING TO EACH OTHER I CANNOTJDJDIW

Anyway yeah, those are the type of friends people need, their advice, company, humor, love, admiration, respect, protectiveness, and sincerity. I just thank for taking so much time into developing each of their dynamics, personalities and quirks

And how could I not, our main ship, my babies HoonYn and their entire fucking story, interactions, chemistry, and bond had me giggling, crying, punching the air, kicking my feet, and sobbing of frustration, pain, and pride all in the span of 5 hours (yes I read the entire series in one sitting, no I did not sleep at all, yes it was absolutely worth it)

Anyway, I feel like that's a whole lot of rambling and I'm barely making any sense -also I'm sleep deprived and English is not my first language, so I apologize for all the mistakes here-, but overall, I just wanted to congratulate and thank you for conveying so many struggles we have to get through in the daily, you didn't shy away from the mental health struggles, the flaws of the characters, the shittines of life itself, the absolute NEED for honest and understanding communication in ANY kind of relationship, and the inmense impact a friendship can have in our lives, as well as our own strength, determination.

I really don't know if this ended up making any sense, but yeah, thank you for your hard and amazing work, you're a great writer fr, please take care of yourself and have an awesome day <3 <3 <3 <3

🥺 asks like this with such detailed feedback is just..like an actual live letter you guys

thank you SO so so so much, i know i sound like a broke record at this point but there's just not enough words of gratitude could use to show you just how much i appreciate this and you. thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me this and for being so kind, sweet and enthusiastic about it.

asks like theye give me a glimpse of my work from your POV and it never fails to make me so excited and happy and just so so so excited, i hope you know this is everything to me. im so happy to know just how much you've enjoyed reading it and all the characters too so rhank yoj for all of this, i love you so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🤍☁️💫

[freakattack]

This is a littlw bit out there so bear with me but. actually im gonna slap this with a

anyways orbulon speaks very very formally in both english and japnese versions of most games but for some reason in warioware twisted he seems to be way more casual. Like for a guy who says "molecular sustenance heat transfer unit" when he means "microwave" i feel like this line of dialogue is jarringly succinct:

And he speaks like that for most of the cutscene like it's not TECHNICALLY unusual for him to use contractions but he definitely has a different tone. Idk waht the oriignal japanese dialogue is like so it may be a wonky translation but if we take this at face value and also get too invested in analyzing warioware dialogue then there are a couple thngs we could gather:

Orbulon has been shown in the past to get snippy when he's tired so that could be part of it

Maybe he drops the pseudointellectual facade when he doesn't havw anyone around to impress (not my favorite interpretation but throwing it out there cause its technically valid)

MY GAME THEORY: i think that orbulons long winded manner of speaking is partially because he has his weird ego thing but also partially because he has been shown to struggle with earth languages so i think that there are many times where he genuinely does just forget the word for microwave. Like his default avenue for conveying a noun is just to describe it with as many hyperspecific adjectives as he can muster. But in this scene he is only conversing with fellow alien freaks (not the same animal as him but similar). So my game hypothesis is what if he is speaking in his native language here and he is just way better at saying what he actually means when hes not trying to filter it through an earth language. I still think he does it a little on purpose sometimes because he sure does base his self worth on how intelligent other people perceive him as but i think he'd probably be a little more casual speaking the language he grew up with. The only thing that kind of throws a wrench in this premise is this line (and i apologize for putting this in fromt of your eyeballs):

Befause i'm pretty sure we're meant to assume he was so zonked out from this alien rabbit massage that he just stopped speaking english. Which obviosuly clashes with the interpretation that he wasnt speaking english to begin with. Idk what to do with this information really i'm just saying shit at this point. Isn't orbulon cool

[patches-of-thistle]

here, the dungeon lord stands....

in the process of being rewritten, take my words here with a grain of salt

,🐈

hi! welcome to my rant-y blog. i dont have any preferred pronouns nor a solid alias to be referred to, so make up your own based on how you view me and see what sticks! if you want any pointers though... - loleris. im referred to this a lot by older friends even tho the name is outdated - incarnate, patches, or thistle. referenced from this blog and my main blog @cataclysm-incarnate - eristle. a relatively recent nickname that a friend made on the spot which i adored bc of how it merged two of my most fav nicknames!! - inspironing. its my ign (in-game name) in a lot of places

fandoms im into: - dungeon meshi / delicious in dungeon - omega strikers - and a couple more smaller things that youll have to find on your own terms! (honorable mentions: marionetta, katana zero, potionomics, last command)

“PROJECT MOON” IS NOT, AND WILL NOT, BE ON THIS LIST. A SMALL NICHE OF LOBCORP’S COMMUNITY IS THE ONLY PM-RELATED FANDOM THAT I WILL ENGAGE WITH AND THATS IT. THANK YOU KINDLY FOR UNDERSTANDING.

im a very insecure person who runs away a lot! please dont take any time i take away from you or any associated group of people personally, my flight instinct tends to lean in the direction of "get away and stay quiet/lay low" to gather my thoughts - this isnt to say i WANT you to constantly in careful treading each time im around. im a flawed person and i've come to terms with that, so i'd hate not to be able to learn ways to "undo" those flaws from other people, even if a little

im also a. uh. somewhat judgmental person. i was BORN thistle-coded... but to be real i try and hide my judgment as best i can nowadays. it'll be bottled up as best it can and im on an active journey to try and subvert my aforementioned judgment! just... dont force me into situations/conversations that i already show disdain to bc it makes this hard

also. i love cats! i dont own one, but i love cats and will frequently catpost!

small q&a bc idk what else to put

1. why do you not bother for a concrete personal pronouns and an alias? - two things; i've both grown to be unbothered by people mischaracterizing me and me not spending a lot of time to invest into either! i have some semblance of my own identity in mind, but its used only for humor's sake as comparison to other peoples' perception of me HAH

2. what's with the old aliases? why mention them at all? - i've grown attached! i cant get over any of my old aliases that i gave just the tiniest portion of purpose, even for a little bit. plus, its something for people to fall back on if they wanna get back to talking to me like normal instead of referring to me like. idk, thistle or smth as a joke (please do this btw, itd honestly make my day)

3. why do you know [abc], but not [xyz]? - once again, i dont invest enough time to know things. im unaware of, surprisingly, a lot of things, so if youre looking to ask me something along the lines with an everyday-something like preworkout or cologne is... well, im not your guy - if a note i made of myself helps, i describe myself as someone completely detached from the real world

4. why do you talk a lot? - i just have a lot to say! also, because i picked up that being extra-omega-clear helps convey your intentions and reasoning, which is especially useful when talking to people with bpd...?? which i picked it up from in the form of a post about this specifically?? - whatever the case is, i just have a lot to say. bookends.

5. why did you ghost me on [xyz]? - now, contrary to question #4, i DONT have a lot to say on topics im unfamiliar or otherwise uncomfortable with answering. if i ghosted you, it's either because of those two reasons OR i forgot - this happens a lot. like, a LOT lot and im guilty of it, so please bear with it. im not trying to be mean nor take anything personally when i do it, i promise

6. why are your tags like that? - im anxious! again! i purposefully skirted around actual searched tags to make my own obscure tags that no one in any of the nine circles of hell would dare look up! but if its the story behind them you want... - "#cataclysmic ranting" and "#random reblog" are both tags ported over from my main blog! im keeping them there for legacy purposes (and to make things easier on my end) - "#oc discussion" is a bit of a stretch because i think this'll flood out my blog from the other people posting in it. otherwise, i use it to discuss my own ocs, as it says on the tin! - more to come...

7. why "patches-of-thistle"? - it's a project moon/mili reference! specifically of the song, "through patches of violet". i replaced violet with thistle because thistle had been given his name by king delgal because of his eye color (purple) - small, unneeded info, but this post helped me praise the name as "thistle" to almost religious levels

and that's a wrap! sorry that you have to digest a lot to know me if you dont already do, but hey! i need people to know what theyre getting into first hahah

expect this to be edited! maybe i'll include a masterpost of the many soon-to-be threads on this blog somewhere within these blocks of text - trust me, i'll be sure to deliver on the "rant-y" part of my description of it 🥰🥰

[kaminohana]

the meme man full analysis

Yeehaw here we go. Analysis of Mikoto Kayano’s video and song, along with some theories about the many themes and symbols in the video. Note: If there’s any other supplemental material for him out there, I haven’t read it. This is just an analysis with the music video we were given. If I happen to miss stuff that was mentioned before, I may talk about it in another post lmao

I was SUPER invested in this video as I watched it and soon realized “Oh shit, I think Mikoto’s plural”. Cuz, you know, I’m plural too (not disclosing what kind) and it felt SO good to see some actual parallels to stuff I go through- though of course not to Mikoto’s degree.

That said, I feel I should make a disclaimer in passing: yes, portraying your only plural character as homicidal ain’t the best representation. But, you know, we’ve seen other cases like that in Milgram so I’m just gonna leave it at that. Personally, I’m not that offended because the execution is SO top-notch. Though, hey, I totally understand how this can be very frustrating to other systems to see plurality depicted in such an unhealthy light- if it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

Keep in mind the point of the Milgram series is to make you uncomfortable in so quickly incriminating someone; if you’re hesitating to determine someone as guilty, hey, that’s probably intended and good! It’s about personal decision, so I’m not going to judge you one way or the other in voting. I just find it fascinating how these videos can put us in such conflict. This is all just my own perspective, BTW, so if you disagree with some of these points, good! I’m just hoping to share my thoughts since I can make a lot of connections. I’m by no means an expert in plurality or tarot, I just have some background in both and decided to try my hand at this analysis, so I really don’t the final say on what’s going on in the video.

Now, onto the actual video analysis.

I’m sticking with the basic idea that Mikoto is split into two parts; his more loveable, gentler side, which I referred to in another post as Softboy Mikoto, and the more violent side which may be acting as a catharsis to his frustrations. I referred to this side previously as the Devil alter, as he is depicted with the Devil major arcana tarot card. I can see how this could be taken badly, so for now I’m just going to refer to him as the shadow alter. There are many themes of duality in the video, most commonly with the symbol of the half moon which appears so many times. Shadow of the moon etc etc. I’ll be bringing this up several times as I analyze the lyrics. I’ll be breaking down the lyrics as evidence to support the idea that Mikoto is plural, and to show how softboy Mikoto (and shadow alter Mikoto) view this particular relationship and how this culminates in murder. Sometimes I refer to Mikoto (as a whole), softboy Mikoto, or shadow alter Mikoto depending on what I’m trying to describe in the below.

First piece: the title. MeMe. Me x2. A dead giveaway, like Umbilical. Also, it can be a meme, which is interesting taking the definition of the word meme in this context: “an element of a culture or system of behavior passed from one individual to another by imitation or other nongenetic means” (Oxford Dictionaries).  HMMMM. I know memes are generally within the context of a community, but I think it’s interesting to actually apply this to Mikoto. What exactly is being passed on? Could we argue that Mikoto’s frustrations from one of his parts is being passed on to the other? Interesting to think about, though it may not be relevant.

Going into the lyrics:

So from here I’m guessing there was a point in Mikoto’s life where his plurality was not an issue; or, potentially, there was a time before his split. These were the good times.

Playing dead vs. being alive – representing duality. May refer to how, when one side has their way, the other is locked away in the headspace with no control, thus feeling like being dead. In the context of “if only”, perhaps he’s wishing that he just didn’t do anything if only to prevent things from getting this far.

“If” I could end- I believe Mikoto (particularly softboy Mikoto) is saying “Hey, I have no control over my other side. If I did, would things still be the same? Would I still be ‘letting’ this happen?”

“Keep it” and “hide it away” I feel like are both representative of his shadow alter and of the desires that alter represents. Many words related to destruction are tied to this alter, so it could be seen as Mikoto trying to hide those urges as well.

“’I’ will save ‘me’”- this is a very interesting line that I think very well encapsulates the shadow alter’s initial motives; he’s saying “hey, I’m going to take care of us,” I believe to try and convince softboy Mikoto to let him out. As far as if softboy Mikoto can actually “let” him out is TOTALLY up for debate.

Part of the reason I refer to the other alter as softboy Mikoto is because there are softer words I notice used by him in the song; here’s I’m seeing “snuggle”, so I think this side of him is more vulnerable and soft.

SWITCH, shake up that brain- wow couldn’t be any more obvious here

This is where the chorus starts. This I think is from softboy Mikoto’s perspective, PARTICULARLY when he’s trapped in the headspace. There are many forms of plurality IRL in which alters cannot simultaneously front, so one or more are “pushed” back into the headspace. This very act occurs several times throughout the song in the weird minimalist vaporwave shadow realm room, where the tarot cards are. During this time, we can assume that is when the shadow alter is fronting. Softboy Mikoto slowly starts to become more helpless and fearful in this space as the song goes on, and this is where he makes his celtic cross tarot spread that quite frankly defines the whole song. I discussed that in my other post.

Another facet of plurality that is applied here is amnesia, which is common, especially when alters are pushed back to the headspace. Within the headspace, there may be a lack of awareness to the outside world, which Mikoto seems to express in his confused sentiments like the above (in the video, he is also scratching his head, which as a gesture can represent being confused). “Why am I here?” can act as a double entendre, both referring to “Why have I suddenly been pushed to this headspace?” as well as the whole point of Milgram- “Why am I in prison?”. He may not be aware of exactly what he did, hence why he feels it’s a mistake. He may be experiencing amnesia of what his shadow alter is doing, so he doesn’t even know what crime he committed. However, he at least has enough awareness to tell someone else is present in his body doing things, so he begs the viewer “Hey, just watch whatever my body is doing and it’ll all eventually make sense. I don’t have access to this information, but you do.” I thought this was an interesting fourth wall break.

The truth revealing itself could also be the truth coming to light from the particular tarot reading he does in the headspace; note that the cards only seem to be appear in this place and not in the outside world. So softboy Mikoto is trying to figure out what’s going on this way. If he can’t figure it out himself, maybe the cards can give him some direction.

Another duality- “I won’t forgive you if you reveal the truth” vs. “However I know I’m right when I say I’m innocent”. Or he could be right about something else.

I’m wondering if the breaking here is just reflecting the shadow alter or is softboy Mikoto actually wishing he could end the shadow alter. He at least wants things to change; the way things are right now is not something he’s okay with. Though, it sounds like he isn’t getting help with this and has no idea if he can even arrest full control again. It seems at this point, this has been going on for a while so he’s stopped trying.

In the video, the shadow alter is doing a GREAT job hiding the evidence; while of course probably just trying to not get caught, the shadow alter may also be trying to hide his crime from softboy Mikoto so he’s none the wiser.

He’s hoping he can be rid of the shadow alter side, but I think he also is dumping all his difficult feelings onto the shadow alter. Maybe he feels its some sort of release, even if he can’t control it, so he feels a lot of guilt over the shadow alter’s existence, even though that alter is serving a purpose as a conduit for those emotions.

I really really think though that there IS some connection between softboy Mikoto and shadow alter Mikoto. Maybe they are both truly aware of each other, hence the scene where they are viewing each other through the mirror. I think here, softboy Mikoto might be admitting that it feels good to let the shadow alter out, like a hug. The “minus energy” probably refers to the shadow alter.

“Maybe it’s okay that we’re separated like this?” he wonders. There seems to be a sense of feeling alive at least that is conveyed through the shadow alter.

SPLIT IN HALF- yeah, again, pretty encompassing.

In the video, I think this is when we have a switch, as Mikoto’s expression changes in the outside world mirror.

The chorus again, softboy Mikoto is shoved into the vaporwave shadow realm headspace. He’s asking the audience to investigate him here, but I also like to joke that he’s like “uwu look at me I could never harm anybody, pwease let me out”, which may be true only so far as softboy Mikoto is out.

I wonder if in “I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me” is directed at the shadow alter instead of the audience? Like softboy Mikoto is saying “I swear to god if you murdered someone im gonna be so pissed, but I also already kinda know it’s happening.” Just another take.

In the video, softboy Mikoto is THROWN into the headspace, where he is gifted with just one hint of what’s going on: The Devil tarot card.

You DARE accuse Miette of murder? Oh! 1000 years jail for Milgram viewer!

Now the vaporwave space starts to turn into a bloody mess; perhaps now softboy Mikoto is starting to put two and two together.

“Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn’t change anything, does it”- I definitely understand this being plural, like if your alters are causing problems, you may try and chastise them, or you may try and lock them away deep inside, but that often doesn’t stop them from existing. It’s really cool how that idea is present here. Like YES that’s how it is quite often. So even if softboy Mikoto TRIES to smother or accuse his shadow alter, that’s not going to change anything.

It being the same anywhere he goes makes me think he’s been putting up with this for a long time, that it’s not about what environment he’s in because his shadow alter is with him everywhere he goes.

“It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong”- may be referring to multiple things:

-the shadow alter having a different morality (hence why murder is okay for him, his indulgence in smokes and…redbull/alcohol, etc)

-OR, how softboy Mikoto’s amnesia isn’t letting him understand the full picture so everything is okay when he’s out fronting (shadow alter cleaned the place up and stuff, perhaps hiding all evidence of murder)

-“I’m already the fake one”- a very common sentiment for plural folks, worrying if you as an alter aren’t “the original” or if you’re not actually split and it’s something you’re making up, etc. I think softboy Mikoto is having these feelings. Poor boy, wish we could get you some therapy instead :/ (all of Milgram would be very different if only most of these people could get therapy, let’s be honest)

Now, what’s special here is that BOTH alters are in the headpace, with shadow alter Mikoto looming ominously behind softboy Mikoto.

During this next instrumental, just a side note: we see what’s going on through security footage. The security cameras reflecting a third person perspective is kind of neat in context of pluralism, where someone else fronting can feel like a third person awareness to another alter. I may be thinking too much into this one, but it’s a fun connection.

Another thing many plural folk go through: DISSOCIATION FROM REALITY. Ah yes, my good friend dissociation. Especially like in Mikoto’s case, where the consequences of being split have drastic consequences, he could be running away from the truth which may always be partially concealed to him. Something’s VERY wrong, he knows this for sure, and it may be at this point he really realizes “Oh shit. I just committed murder.” But instead of taking responsibility in any way, he’s trying to imagine that it’s a fabricated reality. I’m not going to say if this makes him bad or not, but it is a known coping mechanism.

I know I mention that the bad habits of smoking and drinking may be the shadow alters habits, but they could also be softboy Mikoto’s own methods of escapism, which definitely fits with the above lyrics. “I need to wake up soon”- but he still realizes that he’s going to have to face the harsh truth of reality soon.

Now this point indicates a marked change in softboy Mikoto and shadow alter Mikoto’s relationship: I believe there may be a time when softboy Mikoto expects to come back out to the front, but now the shadow alter is starting to take over fully and keep softboy Mikoto locked inside. This is supported by the Outcome card in his celtic cross spread being The Devil. Not only does this card have its own meanings, but here it may mean that the more violent side of him takes over.

Again, don’t know if he’s talking to the audience or his shadow alter in never forgiving this outcome. I believe softboy Mikoto does have a clearer morality in that murder is NOT okay, and if he were to fully acknowledge that he as a whole was capable of that, I think he’d break down. So he’s like “it better NOT be true” because he doesn’t know how he’d be able to deal with that.

Interesting in the video is when Mikoto snaps and the headspace turns red again; I would think this is when the shadow alter is entering the scene and taking over. The snap here is symbolic of the switch.

Now presumably softboy Mikoto is like “PWEASE WET ME OUT MISTEW OBAMA”, which, again with the double meaning, can refer to letting him out of the vaporwave shadow realm headspace OR letting him out of prison. Both apply.

“That it’s a lie

That I’m right”- a nice duality here. Mikoto is having difficulty separating the truth from reality.

Also NOW he is forgiving. Forgiveness vs not forgiveness (grudge)

I think it’s gotten so bad that he’s like “okay fine. Fine if I committed murder, fine if you’re accusing me of murder, but please help me understand what’s going on. Let me out”. Maybe he’ll forgive the shadow alter if only he fesses up to the murder.

Of note for the scene however is that shadow alter Mikoto is holding up The Fool card, which represents softboy Mikoto in this case. “I’m right” may be the shadow alter’s sentiment.

-THE CARDS AT THE END-

Then, all the cards show up in more detail, all depicting weapons instead of the standard minor arcana that you might see in your standard Rider Waite tarot deck (which these are based off of). The Wands are baseball bats, the Swords are kitchen knives, the Cups are…poison cans? Acid? The Pentacles are….records but I can see these being rotary saws if you squint. The Wheel of Fortune has car wheels with a snake….GTA time baby (the snake being hidden danger, the devil’s temptation, etc). The chariot is a really weird motorcycle death machine. I was thinking how like, people would drag people along behind them while driving a vehicle as a method of torture so there is that.

Now we see some cards not in the original spread- I think this represents shadow alter Mikoto inserting himself into the headspace and changing things to fit his goals. We see a couple placed in the original spread, but some don’t and are just free-floating, but you’ll see below we have enough context to decipher their meaning.

First, it’s the Page of Pentacles, which has taken over the position of the 7 of swords as the current challenge affecting the issue. This card indicates “Manifestation, financial opportunity, skill development”. I think this means the shadow alter is finally learning to take full control.

Then we see the reverse 2 of swords, which represents “Indecision, confusion, information overload, stalemate”. This could probably represent softboy Mikoto not suddenly understanding why the shadow alter is ALSO in the headspace. Maybe his dual presence in the outside world AND the headspace is indicative of exactly when he learned to take full control. This was NOT in Mikoto’s original spread.

Wheel of Fortune again, which was in the original spread. “Bad luck, negative external forces, out of control”. Yup, that confirms it.

Next, the Five of Swords from the original spread comes up. “Conflict, tension, loss.png, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal”. Softboy Mikoto is now being completely taken over. There is a facedown card on the chair. This might be the one that reads as Death later, so it may be that softboy Mikoto is…KILLED OFF?

Cup of Ace, “Love, compassion, creativity, overwhelming emotion”. I think this one is also meant to represent softboy Mikoto, but it could be that the shadow alter sees it as an act of mercy to take full control for softboy Mikoto. Maybe he feels his alter can’t handle reality and he’s going to take over full time. Or more likely he just has ulterior motives.

Reverse King of Cups. “emotional manipulation, moodiness, volatility”. Softboy Mikoto was lead along, thinking it was okay to leave things to the shadow alter or to exist alongside him. Now we see that isn’t a viable solution.

Reverse Five of Wands. “conflict avoidance, diversity, agreeing to disagree”.  I went over this more in the other post.

Chariot is the last one, WHICH ALSO WAS NOT IN THE ORIGINAL SPREAD. “Control, willpower, success, action, determination”. The shadow alter Mikoto has taken full control. Which is very quickly followed by…

Shadow alter Mikoto drawing Death. Also not in the original spread. Perhaps effectively “killing off” softboy Mikoto and betraying him.

Concluding Thoughts.

Now, I understand I do take most of these lyrics from softboy Mikoto’s perspective, but I’m sure there’s a layer of deception added on by his shadow alter. The Challenge card of the 7 of swords did represent betrayal. So softboy Mikoto’s only context into what’s going on outside may be his headspace tarot reading. If you want to question some of the lyrics, or even think one of the alters is lying, that would add SO much to the complexity of the situation, and I wouldn’t put it past the Milgram team to add something like that.

Common Themes/Symbols:

The mirror, both in the headspace and in the outside world bathroom

The Hanged Man- in a painting in the headspace and on Mikoto’s shirt. Indicative of being wrongly accused or martyred. Softboy Mikoto is likely represented with this, as well as The Fool. The Fool painting probably is there to show that he doesn’t know any better, that he is without the knowledge of what his shadow alter is doing (or doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong)

The Half Moon- a light side and a dark side. Pretty self-explanatory. Symbolically, it can also represent life and death. NICE.

Sorry if the conclusions end up being kind of vague. That’s the way a lot of this video is; what’s really going on, as it usually is, is up to viewer interpretation at this stage. I was just hoping to provide a bit of context into the images in the video, plural life, and narrator interpretation. I just really love this video and after this full analysis hope others can at least appreciate the work that went into it.

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

[consciouschunkofmoss]

okay so you and ray are the only two i'm sure won't crucify me for this but also you're really good with words so i chose you haha (don't tell ray)

anyway--

So. JK Rowling, huh? Fuck her. Fuck her so much oh my fucking gods I despise her. And the idea of supporting her work by like buying her shit and all that makes me want to throw up.

But like...

I feel fucking horrible about this, but I still enjoy Harry Potter. And it makes me sick knowing how fucked the creator is, and the fact that I still want to consume her content but I also fucking hate getting told what I can and can't enjoy

i don't know if I'm feeling like this just because my automatic response to "don't do it" is to wanna do it even more--or if it's just that I'm genuinely upset that the content I enjoy is getting gatekept.

Yes, it's for a good reason because, again, fuck Rowling she is sick and twisted but it makes me want to cry to think that I also have to give up a series that makes me so happy. One of the only goddamn things that kept me sane through the pandemic, and you just--just want me to burn it? Because the author is shit?

fuck that.

should i feel like a terrible person for all this? :/

hey, im sorry if this came to be a little bit delayed, but i really had to put some braincells on this to actually try and convey things without actually losing my point. and its really not because of you or the situation, im just generally bad at coming up with complex answers on the spot.

so, we start with parts

jkr is a terrible person who has made her (negative) visions over transgender people very very clear, and we both can agree on that. which is great, because now we have a starting point at what may lead to the core matter of this subject

the phrase "seperate the author from the work" is very extremely overused in her case, and i do understand why you would feel compelled to use from such a thing given that you are fundamentally involved with the content shared amongst many others who similarly cater to it, and has in a way a very deep bond with it. but, in a case like this, we were constantly shown that through her very work, the author has damaged others and used from such fame to bring her personal opinions to light and therefore showcase it to an even greater audience (making it so that the damage made would be far from just a small percentage, creating fans and followers that were already religiously dedicated to her even more invested, and as we both know, more agressive towards those who disagree).

so, in a situation as this, the more involved the author is with their work and the followers of the same, the worse (and greater) it is for the damage they cause (in return becoming one of a type that is hardly forgotten or able to be minimized by other opposing parties), which ends up making it impossible to separate them both.

by consuming the content made by this creator - be it by watching, reading, or even talking and sharing your thoughts over such narratives with others on the internet or in real life - you innevitably create the propagation of an already linked and fair share of not only the content itself, but the creator as well - which is the source of the very negative situation in this specific case. you cannot possibly separate them, therefore you cannot contribute to this situation positively in whatever way possible whilst still consuming and partaking in any social interactions that mention or that has such a work as its main or even secondary topic.

in my opinion, it really doesnt come close to gatekeeping, just the warning of what actually does happen when you only partially or momentarily advocate for something, choosing to follow through with a half-completed path and making yourself think that this is the only possible way you could carry on without damaging your personal ways of living (not deconstructing the emotional bonds, not having to let go of what you held dear to you for so long, or even the warm feelings that something that good - that is now seem and been proven to be completely rotten on the inside - has bought to you in times of need and hurting). it is scary, painful and on top of it all completely agonizing to come to terms to such a matter.

but, to think that people would give up the security and well-being of others, and continue on propagating the voice of someone who has clearly done such horrible things, just so they can continue on living comfortably in a world where nothing was actually wrong and your mind is still yours because of this very thing; its still a pretty unsettling thing to see, right ?

its as if, by only rotting on its insides, as long as the apple remains pretty-looking, plump and jovial on the surface, nothing is really wrong with it - but, as we have seen here, its all a lie.

and im not saying you are one of these people mentioned, please trust me on the fact that i would never make such a statement, but what i do dare to state is that by saying that someone still wants to consume something that has proven to give such power to this creator - whether it has an inherent fault to the matter or not, as, well, it is a simple piece of fiction after all, the only power that it holds is given by the people who consume it and carry on telling its diverse stories - there really is significance in analyzing well what you would come to do in a situation like this.

fiction on itself may not have power, as i previously said, but the power that it gains through our very own dids can become quite dangerous when taken and used agaisnt others. and dont you think that it would innevitably come to harm many, many people when that much influence comes to be wielded by someone like jrk ?

you enjoying this piece of media, coming to love every bit of it with all your heart has to offer, there really is nothing wrong with that (i had this experience before, and although it didnt come to be on such a higher level of importance as this current one, it still made me have to choose between the very same things as you find yourself having to choose right now). caring for something that has bought to you the very own concept of control over your own senses and find something to entertain yourself with can be amazing, but by the moment you choose this feeling of comfort over hundreds of peoples' needs, in my honest opinion, there really is the need re-evaluate what that content really has bought upon, more than just the positive aspects that it has your very own self.

i really hope you get to understand that, even if the creator is not their own work, they both take roots from each other, and cant be easily separated by ignoring one and praising the other in silent ecstasy, while broadcasting to the world something that will always be inherently linked to the other, no matter how much you try and make it the one part you dislike a concept to never came to exist in your eyes.

watching or reading about hp, and talking about it with your friends and the others willing to listen is also considered the contributing to a better envisionment of its creator because it is a part of the author, and it is being used by them as a tool of oppresion against others. to share about the work is to also share about the creator, and if this very person is harming others, then you are indeed contributing to their acts - whether you do so knowingly or not.

unfortunately, you have to let some things go by, just like those terrible people who we meet and desperately want to keep close - we love them after all, how could we ever come to have enough of them -, they have still hurt us and will never cease to do that with many others to come - including those who we personally know. keeping them around will only add to what fuels them to keep on being this way.

letting go is the only way you can actually make things better on your side and in general. as much as it hurts, as much you may grieve afterwards, if it comes to hurt hundreds upon hundreds of people, there must be a reason to why they need to be abandoned and silenced; so the core will stop from getting the attention and fuel they so dearly crave, and stop from continuing this horrid cycle because now, there is no one left to listen or even care.

[astrologysvt]

SVT as Boyfriends - Vernon

Happy Birthday Nonie~ 🎉 You confuse me constantly and that makes me want to baby you 💛

anonymous asked: im not sure if u do these kinds of posts so feel free to ignore if u don’t but can i request vernon as a bf according to his chart? i love ur blog! 💗

this reading is more geared towards their habits in relationships and romance! i did end up talking a little about intimacy. i’m not putting any kind of nsfw warning because this is extremely pg and it’s honestly a gigantic stretch to even categorize it as that. but if that’s something you’re incredibly averse to i wanted to be sure to say it here so you can skip this reading if that’s the case~ also, i ended up using “you” generally because writing “s/o” was getting tiring. 

so his chart really strongly indicates that he’s very independent and thrives when he’s allowed to be a free spirit. 

but there’s also a part of him that is deeply committed through that cap venus.

super reliable boyfriend, and that’s also in due part to his scorpio moon. 

he would drop absolutely everything if you needed him.

he is super super protective and will absolutely throw hands if someone were to say anything negative about you. 

even with a moon trine mars that makes him slow to anger, his principals are so strong through his aqua placements, scorpio moon, and cap venus that he would absolutely not stand for it. 

this would be one of the few times he could justify resorting to anger, and while he may not attempt to hunt the offender down, you will definitely notice a dramatic change in demeanor as he rarely ever lets this side show.

and then when you take that sense of being protective and pair it with his cap influence, he really likes taking care of you. 

he’s very competent in that regard, and he shows this in practical ways like getting you lunch, giving advice, maybe offering to help with work. things like that. 

this also makes him very receptive for when you return the favor! like when woozi prepared a meal for him that one time when they were overseas, you could see how touched he was by the gesture and the thoughtfulness behind it.  

he’s also very emotionally intuitive thanks to that scorpio moon and pisces mars. 

he’s super observant and would get really really good at reading you over time.

may not express his support in so many words thanks to his moon square mercury making him pretty awkward with it -- this placement makes it hard for his aqua moon to convey how feeling/intuitive he is -- but he will certainly let you know he is there if you need him.

i also find scorpio placements don’t really put their feelings in so many words.

even with an emphasis on intellect with an aqua sun and mercury, he’s bound to not be the quickest to shower you in verbal love/appreciation and is more willing to let his actions speak for himself. 

if he’s going to say anything, it’s going to be sincere and straight to the point. 

and what’s interesting is that he’s got this scorpio moon, so i can imagine him actually being a pretty possessive boyfriend regardless of how chill he is normally.

BUT I DO WANNA MAKE IT CLEAR that that doesn’t necessarily mean he’d be a restrictive boyfriend either. 

especially with those cap/scorpio/aqua influences that would really respect someone who was their own person and didn’t apologize for that. tbh i think the last thing he’d wanna do is restrict that. 

i think well developed scorpio placements honestly just like having proof that you are committed and most certainly their s/o.

would probably say things like “that’s my ____” just to assert this fact very casually, affectionately, even playfully.

really honestly just likes knowing and being reminded that you’re his, may it be through gestures or physical proof (you wearing his clothes, promise rings, you going out of your way to do something for him, hickeys.)

his moon sextile venus makes him very romantic and affectionate. 

he feels a lot of love and is very emotionally invested in his partner in this very protective scorpio manner, and thanks to its relationship to venus he goes about expressing this love in very practical yet classy ways.

he has a tendency to randomly do the most thoughtful romantic gestures. 

he does have this free spirit that’s pretty easily distracted so it may not be the most obvious or well planned gestures. 

but it’d be things like. if he’s out and sees something that reminds him of you he’ll bring it home, may it be flowers or your favorite food. 

it’s interesting because, as out-there as he is himself, he really craves a sense of predictability in relationships.

this cap brings a sense of tradition and loves the idea of stable, long-term relationships. 

he’d bring a strong sense of reliability and practicality to relationships. 

he’s very dedicated but simultaneously very levelheaded and realistic with you. 

scorpio moon can give him a bit of a jealous streak. 

but i’ll say it again: that may not be as bad as it sounds if his emotional control is good. which IT IS thanks to his moon trine mars.

his moon trine mars means these feelings never result to actual anger or action. he’ll let you know his comfort levels, but it’s highly unlikely he’d act out negatively due to feelings of jealousy.

he may just get a little extra handsy, affectionate, or may ask for reassurance! 

tho i do think it’s interesting to note he may not normally be the most physically affectionate guy. 

he has such airy placements that he isn’t going to subconsciously reach out without noticing if that makes sense. 

if he’s reaching out himself, it’s probably very intentional and more than likely with the intention to show support or as little random “i love yous” throughout the day. 

as i said before, he’s rather awkward with putting these things into words so body language may be a huge factor in communicating with him in relationships which makes him pretty purposeful with it as well. 

this kinda loops back in to how much of a lone wolf he is sometimes -- not that he doesn’t like affection, it’s just not in his instinctual wiring as he’s pretty solitary in that brain of his. 

his well aspected moon and pisces mars, however, makes it very easy for him to accept affection and makes him pretty physical expressive.

he may need space every now again, but will probably very easily let you know when that is (may it be verbally or through body language) and is open to however cuddly you wanna be the rest of the time.

his pisces mars makes him a very sensitive and emotional boyfriend, especially in relationship to intimacy.

i think it’s important to mention because he has this very airy, independent, almost detached attitude about him on the surface. 

you really do get the sense that he’s on another planet, or that he could potentially be OVERLY practical, logical, and not easily perturbed by emotion -- but that is absolutely not the case behind closed doors. 

lol okay maybe he’s still on another planet, but he isn’t removed/indifferent. rather he’s very attentive and sincere. 

this is where he kind of loses his sense of practicality and can be pretty all-giving and obsessive. 

pisces influence on the part of mars means he takes physical relationships very seriously and sees it as a non-verbal expression of love and intention. 

he also has a very subtle, gentle, traditional way of approaching intimacy.

it’s genuinely an experience sharing that part of himself with someone, and it’d be in those moments that you would truly understand the full extent of his feelings. 

not only that, but he’s very emotionally sensitive in this regard.

allowing someone in to that degree can actually be a very daunting experience for him. 

not necessarily if it were a merely physical relationship without the romantic/intimate association, but knowing that there is is this devotion involved makes the concept of allowing someone to see and understand the depth of this side to him a really hard thing to wrap his head around.

this is heightened by that cap venus that doesn’t take to commitment lightly. 

with a pisces influence there is kind of a switch they have with regard to emotionally packed situations -- they’re either detached out of risk of those feelings becoming all-consuming, or extremely feeling and potentially open to this all-consuming aspect and to them that is an extremely vulnerable feeling especially with another person involved.

and so for him to go into those romantic situations and decide to be open and sensitive, that can be a really overwhelming thing especially with so many placements that value individuality and composure. 

ESPECIALLY with a scorpio moon which is already an incredibly intense placement to have, there’s a great deal of investment that’s kind of hard for him to face head-on and this is honestly because he can hardly fathom these depths himself. 

and then you throw in this super airy influence through his aqua and this intensity within him may fly completely under the radar until he’s forced to face it.

it IS important to note that his moon trine mars both kind of heighten the intensity of these situations, while also giving him better tools to process them. 

his scorpio moon also means that he’s really fascinated with these feelings even though they’re very daunting. 

it can be “scary” but he isn’t particularly deterred if he trusts you because of how all-in scorpio placements can be as they love the concept of delving past the point of no return. 

if he’s at that point where he’s so deeply committed, his scorpio is going to give him the confidence to take that step. 

but because this part of him is so emotionally sensitive and reactive, he may retreat every now and then. 

it is important not to interpret this as indifference/distance, often times he doesn’t know exactly who he wants to be some days and so you kinda gotta be okay with the unexpected. 

this is simply because he gets overwhelmed and needs space, otherwise it just feels like he’s staring into the sun non-stop. 

but if you learn how to read him, his energies, his body language/rhythm, you’ll understand how big and bleeding his heart is and how he expresses this, even when he’s not 100% there.

lololol all of this sounds SO DRAMATIC. 

it’s funny writing this because vernon has such an air forward chart. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if, for some WILD reason, he read this reading and thought this was a dramatic description as well. 

he really is his own person and i imagine this reading feels super left of field and honestly that’s because it IS. 

a lot of his chart is pretty hard to pin-down and generally more focused on developing the self than depending on external forces like relationships, and so it’d take a lot for him to get to this point.

you can tell even now it’s hard to imagine what he’d be like in a relationship he’s so singular, and i imagine even his members know there is a bit of a wall despite how much an open book he is.

i really think that it’d take the right person for him to place such a strong importance on emotion in order to make this reading super relevant to him. 

his aqua and cap are pretty hard to convince and are logical/intellectual enough that it’s often hard for those placements to surrender that mental control over to emotion/the intangible. 

and so I don’t imagine this is a part of his chart that he would fully be aware of until he’s in an incredibly committed relationship and these placements are tested by being forced to accommodate someone else so intimately. 

because otherwise he’s his own unit. these parts aren’t scary to him by himself, but they’re naturally very private so sharing these aspects is what switches things up. 

generally he’s a very thoughtful boyfriend! 

his weird habits are going to stay intact because of how independent he is and, if his chart is really well developed, he’d never let his individuality be compromised by a relationship. 

tho i will not lie, a scorpio moon and pisces mars may put him at risk of losing himself a bit as that scorpio moon has a tendency towards obsession, while that pisces mars can really easily get absorbed and lost in the case of love. 

but with that being said, i think his aqua and cap are so established in his chart through his work and personal values that i don’t think he is in any actual danger.   

so back to my main point. 

he has such a strong understanding of himself and his life/goals through that aqua/cap, but there is so much in his chart that is really eager to bring someone into that. 

he’s def the type of guy that makes it hard to fathom how committed he could possibly be on the surface, but once the relationship deepens, it gets clearer and clearer how romantic and devoted he is. 

and also how simple and straight forward he actually is about these things, which in a way adds to the romance and earnestness. 

[sclfmastery]

cw abuse mention - so im new to fandom and im curious about something. is it okay to ship toxic/abusive ships? like obviously not if one is an adult and the other is not or they're related but as anna karenina said "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." you know? ive just seen different opinions on that so im curious.

Short answer: Do what is comfortable for you and the people you directly interact with.  Have open conversations about what each of you is comfortable with. Tag  known triggers diligently, and put especially controversial content under a read-more.  At any point in time, when someone with whom you are writing becomes uncomfortable, respect their discomfort and cease to write the content that’s upsetting them. On the other side of the coin, refrain from judging others for writing material you are uncomfortable with, and simply avoid their blog. Block if you have to.  Blocking has gotten a bad rep on social media, but it is actually a very important way to establish boundaries in a society that’s ubiquitous with instant forms of information (and social contact).  Do not feel ashamed for doing what you need to do to feel safe. 

Longer answer: This is a tough one. That’s probably why you’ve seen so many different (often strong) opinions about it, and let me disclaim that I’m no expert. I have written many toxic ships and I have written many ships that are healthy and balanced right off the bat. My end goal, however, is always healthy and balanced, with the understanding by all involved, “do not try this in real life.” 

At the core of this argument is the extent to which creative fiction may explore realms that are necessarily, and for good reason, inadvisable, even harmful and dangerous, in real life.  This of course then brings up questions of “to what extent can fiction influence reality by modeling certain cultural values?” And, therefore, “what is the creator/author/artist’s responsibility to real people consuming their work?”  As an artist and scholar by profession, I am deeply invested in analyzing media for the messages it conveys, and in the fact that art has a transformative power upon society.  There are things you just shouldn’t write about: egregious depictions of rape not responsibly and sensitively resolved, for instance.  

On the other hand, some content creators who explore deeply controversial content claim that it is therapeutic to explore their triggers from the safe distance of fiction, and that, if they tag responsibly and don’t force that content on others, who is to say that they are “forbidden” from doing so? 

It’s a complicated situation and I have come to believe that the best way to deal with it is on a case-by-case basis. Everyone has a different threshold, and every “toxic ship” you might write is a different level of toxic. A good way  to gauge this is the couple’s power dynamic. 

 For instance, I write the Doctor X the Master on this blog. To me, this is acceptable because both parties have informed consent about how toxic the partner is, and both parties have an equitable power dynamic: neither the Doctor nor the Master is stronger, or at more of an advantage, in terms of social or political privilege. They are both nonbinary and queer, both Time Lords of an elite social caste (important note: for this pairing this is not always true. Sometimes you do have to be very careful, and check both the character’s privilege and your own as a writer: for instance, if you write Thirteen x Dhawan, be aware of how she weaponized his brownness against him, which DOES matter to the human audience watching Doctor Who, as well as the character--the Master--experiencing a power dynamic imbalance, and how that is a very problematic incident that needs to be directly addressed if the relationship is to flourish).  Moreover, at different times in their complex friendship, both parties have shown a willingness to change out of love for the other: meaning there is still the possibility of healthy growth and healing.  I tag triggers diligently and always, and I make sure my writing partners are not feeling uncomfortable. 

 On the other hand, I will never write a toxic ship like Jessica Jones x Kilgrave. Why? Because he is a serial rapist with no remorse who shows no signs of repentance.  Because Jessica is his serial victim, and because she is a woman and he is a cis man. Because he literally has the power of mind control and she isn’t, until the very end of the first season, immune.  Right there we have an inequitable power dynamic that really can never be resolved, and probably shouldn’t, because pardoning the man of crimes so real and so severe to millions of survivors worldwide is just not something it’s worth it to do for a fun writing hobby.

Another example of a toxic ship I’d never write: a historical slave owner x a slave. Like, Thomas Jefferson x Sally Hemings (yes, people actually do this. believe it or not).  Not a good idea to try to render sympathetic and romantic a figure who participated in and benefited economically from the trafficking and abuse of human beings, the effects of which are still felt by black and brown people every day.  Do I even have to say, inequitable power dynamic, based both on gender and on race?  Plus it’s dangerous from a historical, cultural narrative standpoint to romanticize the institution of racism by sugar-coating some of its most infamous practitioners (America already has done this by ascribing “Founding Father” to Jefferson, who was frankly an asshole).  In this case you’re even blurring the lines of fiction and reality because these were real people that you’re “rping.”  

Summary!  Open, considerate communication is really important. The rules are different than when you’re writing a solo fanfic. You are collaborating with another human being, who has feelings and needs.  Always consider the power dynamic of the characters: “should I” is a dynamic question with very different answers, from fictional couple to fictional couple. 

You will make mistakes. I know I have.  Don’t berate yourself too severely, just ask what you did wrong, make a note of it, and move forward better aware of what not to do.  

Folks can reblog this if it’s at all helpful! 

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: Towers of Midnight prologue (part 3)

Levelling up and last stands

Graendal to Galad, and now Galad to Padan Fain. It’s like alignment whiplash.

The sky was black. A tempest. He liked that, though he hated the one who caused it.

This is great because there’s just a hint of ambiguity to who that actually may be. Rand? Or the Dark One? And when you have to ask, even for a second…well, that’s sort of the point, isn’t it.

Hatred. It was the proof that he still lived, the one emotion left.

Well, that’s one more than Rand at any rate.

(Pre-Dragonmount, I mean).

Padan Fain exists to chew scenery and you know what buddy? Chew away. Live your dreams.

Did his hatred cause that storm? It must be so. Yes.

Sorry Fain; pretty sure Rand has first claim on I am the storm. He just carries it better, you see. It’s a good look on him and we don’t mess with that.

I typo-ed that as ‘it’s a god look on him’ and really… either way.

When you accepted madness into yourself – embraced it and drank it in as if it were sunlight or water or the air itself – it became another part of you.

I’m mostly amused by how similar this sounds to the wording of Egwene thinking of how the Aiel handle pain. In this case I don’t think it’s particularly intentional or meaningful or anything, but it amuses me.

Another part of you. Like a hand or an eye.

Not sure those are the best examples, given Rand and also very likely at some point Mat, but sure.

He was finally free.

Has something changed? Oh, wait. Is this the first we’ve seen of him since saidin was cleansed? And Shadar Logoth destroyed? I think it is, in which case… interesting. Particularly interesting since it doesn’t seem to have affected the dagger’s power – Fain’s still obsessed with his precious, at any rate – and last we heard Rand’s wound(s) hadn’t healed. But Shadar Logoth was destroyed, and its power seemingly with it, more or less, and so now Fain or Mordeth or Smeagol or whoever he is these days is free, in a manner of speaking. That’ll end well for everyone involved, I’m sure.

Oh he killed a worm. And he’s in the Blight so that’s a Worm. Im…pressive?

Mist had begun to trail him, creeping up from the ground. Was that mist his madness, or was it his hatred? It was so familiar. It twisted around his ankles and liked at his heels.

Like a yellow fog, that rubs its back upon the window panes, a yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window panes, licks its tongue into the corners of the evening…

No? Or perhaps like, say, Mashadar? I mean, maybe it’s nothing, but if it’s not nothing, that’s… concerning. Were more things freed than Fain, in the ruination of Shadar Logoth? Open to give the world hope but did it also release some element of despair?

The mist struck.

And unless we’ve transported into one of Sanderson’s original works, that means I’m right and the cleansing of saidin did indeed have some… unintended consequences. Which is fitting, in a grander sense of balance, but still kind of… well, sad.

So Fain has levelled up again, it would seem, which is the outcome absolutely no one needed.

That said, he played enough of a part early on, and enough has been made of him from time to time afterwards, that it would be kind of weird to leave him out of the ending. Personally I wouldn’t particularly mind; watching him chew scenery is fun enough from time to time but the rest of the time I sort of tend to forget about him, and I’m not particularly invested in anything to do with him, and the slightly more critical side of me wonders if he was ever truly necessary as a character… but at this point in a series, once you have a character like that, dropping them now would feel untidy. It would feel like an oversight, or like lazy plotting.

Which is hard, when everything about him suggests that his entire purpose is to be a wildcard character. He doesn’t have a clear fated role to play in all of this, unless it’s something to do with his link to the dagger and, via that, to Mat somehow.

Instead, he’s a powerful entity on a third side in a two-sided war. Yes, there are far more factions than that within each of those sides, and so much of the point of the last several books has been that lack of unity, and the tragedy but perhaps inevitability of fighting against those who should be your allies, of losing sight of the larger conflict in favour of the smaller and more immediate ones, and of trying to forge some kind of alliance despite that, and the ways in which that can succeed or fail.

But Fain is less a part of that and more a completely outside element. Not, in a way, unlike Aridhol itself was, as it became Shadar Logoth. A darkness and an evil that came from a form of the Light and its hatred of the Shadow and, over time, twisted. And therefore was an evil that was not truly of the Shadow, but was no longer an ally of the Light. Instead it was its own poison.

That’s kind of what Fain is. Which certainly has potential, as a story element, but I am curious to see how that’s played, and how well it’s played, given the sheer volume of characters we’re dealing with, and the size of this conflict, and the many other themes already at play. Can his role, whatever it is, end up feeling satisfying? I guess we’ll read and find out on that one.

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent, but the point of it was: yes, he’s levelled up, because I think he has to in order to have a hope of having his part in the ending being interesting or satisfying.

Red below, black above. Red and black, red and black, so much red and black.

See, the thing is, I know for a fact that Brandon Sanderson is a fan of Les Miserables, so I am fully justified in humming ‘red, the blood of angry men; black, the dark of ages past….’

Also, Moridin would approve. Of the colour scheme, if nothing else.

And also of the chaos. Some say the world will end in (bale)fire, some say in ice, and Padan Fain says fuck it why not evil killer mist. Less poetic but sure.

(Let’s play a little game called: over the course of the liveblog, how much of an English Literature syllabus do we think I’ve referenced? …on second thought let’s not play that game)

Oh, the Trollocs didn’t die, they just got a Mashadar Makeover and now they’re competing for Malkier’s Blight’s Next Top Abomination.

He left the Myrddraal. It would not rise, as rumours said they did. His touch now brought instant death to one of its kind. Pity. He had a few nails he might have otherwise put to good use.

Perhaps he should get some gloves. But if he did, he couldn’t cut his hand. What a problem.

The thing is, while the style here is very Sanderson, for a character like Fain it actually works pretty well. Which is mainly, I think, because I have long suspected Sanderson has a soft spot for writing characters who are utterly batshit and having the time of their lives with it. Pass the scenery, and the salt. Yum.

Like an old friend. A dear, beloved old friend that you were going to stab through the eye, open up at the gut and consume by handfuls while drinking his blood. That was the proper way to treat friends.

Sure, it lacks the undertone of beautiful horror, and the poetry of Machin Shin whispering about braiding flayed skin, which is in a way a shame. But it conveys the essential message and character, and at least for me, this works well as an example of Sanderson’s approach of not trying to imitate style because that could go so badly, but instead emulating the feel of the story itself. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but here, at least for me, it does.

It's ironic in a way that it’s a similar thing to what he’s done with Mat, but it has the opposite effect. With Mat – I’ve written about this elsewhere, but tl;dr is that I think he read Mat as funny and so tried to write Mat as funny, using his own methods rather than Jordan’s because imitating style exactly is a lost cause, but something very essential was lost in the translation (like the fact that Mat himself isn’t really humorous; it more comes from the contrast of his thoughts with his actions, and his character against the world around him, but I digress again). So he went for ‘convey the same idea through my own methods rather than trying to imitate Jordan’s’ – consciously or subconsciously – and it backfired. But with Fain, he’s taken the same approach – ‘convey a scenery-chewing wildcard who has lost every mind he’s possessed, which is several’ – and this time the same-idea-different-style still gets that across in a way that feels true to character.

Obviously mileage can and will vary on whether or not this works, but for me it’s just an interesting study in how a certain approach or method can succeed or fail depending on exactly how and where it’s applied, and what the cause of that success or failure may be – why it works in one place but not another, and what went right or wrong.

It is, I think, something of a writing exercise if you want to turn it into one. A bit like reverse-engineering an outline from a book you’ve read (I do this often; I realised at some point that I was doing it and then I made a point of doing it deliberately, and it’s super interesting, and for me at least it’s helped me think more deliberately about the structure of a story, and how that can be leveraged for different effects). But thinking about the specifics of what does or doesn’t work for you about the authorship switch – a particular character, or a scene, or the pacing, or the handling of a certain theme, or anything else – and then digging into the specifics of why it works, or doesn’t.

That, for me, has been more interesting than just picking out the differences. Sure, I’ll nitpick, but I prefer not to focus on it, because ‘this is different’ feels… kind of pointless. Of course it’s different. Figuring out exactly what is different, or why it’s different is interesting sometimes. But also figuring out where and how that difference matters or doesn’t is more what I’m trying to get at here. Because some of the differences, I don’t mind. Some, I do. And trying to understand why I mind some and not others has been helpful at least for me in, again, understanding all of those elements of a story or piece of writing better, and thinking about how they could be used or changed or recombined.

But then, I’m the kind of person who likes to take things apart to figure out how they work. And also to overthink every goddamn text I consume.

Still, it’s a fun one if you’re in the market for writing exercises to try whilst in quarantine.

*

Malenarin Rai. Bold of you to introduce a new POV character in the penultimate book of a series that already has dozens if not hundreds, but that’s WoT for you.

Also it’s a prologue so the rules are different.

Heeth Tower is a weird name. Heeth. But then, I don’t think Sanderson has ever been quite as good with names as Jordan was. And that’s the sort of change I’m not going to get too worked up over. (Also, it was Jordan who gave us Mountains of Dhoom, so I rest my case).

The whistling wind rattled the wooden shutter.

It’s not time for the wind yet; we’re still in the prologue! Wait your turn, wind; chapter one should be here any day now.

Using a Trolloc horn as a paperweight is pretty badass, Malenarin, but Furyk Karede and his human skull wineglass might offer some competition.

I don’t think we’ve spent much – any, depending on where exactly the scene in TPoD’s prologue takes place – time in Kandor outside of New Spring. I guess we’ve got to finish filling in the map now; we’ve only got one book left!

Malenarin’s son is turning fourteen soon, so he might just be lucky enough to get Tarmon Gai’don as a birthday party.

He smiled, setting the Trolloc horn on the note, in case that shutter broke open again. He’d slain the Trolloc who had borne that horn himself. Then he walked over to the side of his office and opened his battered oak trunk. Among the other effects inside was a cloth-wrapped sword, the brown scabbard kept well oiled and maintained, but faded with time.

Typing it out, it’s not even that similar, but reading this my first thought was of Tam al’Thor, pulling out his old trunk and his old sword at the beginning of The Eye of the World, before giving it to Rand as he sets off on his coming-of-age story.

To have a duty was to have pride – just as to bear a burden was to gain strength.

In moderation, though. *Looks pointedly at Rand al’Thor*

I still don’t understand how turning their backs on the Blight to go find the Dragon Reborn to tell him to pay attention to the Blight is a good idea for the Borderland rulers. I must be missing something here and I hope it is eventually revealed to me, because otherwise that is terrible strategy on so many counts.

The only way to go to the fourth level was to climb a narrow, collapsible ramp on the outside of the tower

What could possibly go wrong? I mean, last time we were in Kandor a kid was thrown off a balcony, so…

[Jargen] wore a cord looped around the shoulder of his brown uniform; it bore a knot for each Trolloc he’d killed. There had to be approaching fifty knots in the thing by now.

That’s cute, Rand says, flicking dust off his shoulder Luke-Skywalker-in-The-Last-Jedi style, and flicking some Arrows of Fire off with it to torch another thousand or so Trollocs without breaking a sweat.

But okay, yes, for an ordinary non-protagonist non-Lan in a random guard tower in Kandor, I suppose that qualifies as pretty badass.

The beacons have been lit! Gondor Rena Tower calls for aid!

Pretty sure that’s your cue, Lan.

Or not; Malenarin seems to think it’s his cue to confirm the SOS and start preparing the tower for… bad things, probably.

Seriously, wind, wait your turn.

Of course his son is next on the list of messenger boys to be sent out. Well, it’s a better fate than being thrown off a balcony at least. Maybe.

‘No, we need to send several messengers. Double up. Just in case the towers fall.’

Do you have any uncrowned infant kings you want to send as well? Just checking.

Malenarin let himself feel a hint of relief that his son was one of those riding to safety. There was no dishonour in that; the messages needed to be delivered, and Keemlin was next on the roster.

There is a kind of parallel here – less a parallel, perhaps, than an echo – to Lan. A son sent to safety as a Borderland hold prepares to fall, the sense of a last stand. Because in the Borderlands perhaps that is not so unusual a story, in its way. The Wheel of Time turns.

It was time for Tarmon Gai’don. And looking out into the storm, Malenarin thought he could see to the very edge of time itself. An edge that was not so far distant.

Maybe you should have a dream-chat with Moridin, Malenarin. Maybe it’s just the air in the Blight: gives you nihilist thoughts.

Oh oops, his son wasn’t one of the messengers to go. Because he decided to be all noble and let another boy go in his place, whose mother had already lost four sons. That’s sweet, kid, and it’ll probably get you killed.

Tian, Sanderson? Named after another ill-fated messenger boy in your own works, perhaps?

‘Run down to my office,’ Malenarin said. ‘There is a sword in my oaken trunk. Fetch it for me.’

Aw. Because his son has proven himself a man, three whole days early. Because we’re approaching the end now, and it’s time for everyone to take their last steps into their roles, become who they must be to face that end – whether they’re a protagonist or just some poor doomed kid in a tower in the Blight.

It's something these kinds of snapshot one-off scenes are good for: to show the scope of the story, that it touches everyone, no matter that they’ve never even met Rand or any of the others. And to give this sense of those final steps happening in snapshots like this across the land. The sense of an entire world taking a last deep breath. And so we pause for brief close-ups on the faces of some of the extras stepping onto the battlefield, to illustrate that.

Keemlin’s swearing his version of the ‘kill the bad things until we die or they do’ that every Borderland (and Aiel) nation seems to have, each with its own slight semantic variations.

‘Rise as a man, my son!’

This is no place, or time, for children. Ergo, he can no longer be a child, by simple virtue of being here. Which makes this a rather bittersweet moment; Malenarin’s proud of his son but there’s also this sense that far too many children are having to grow up far too fast in these last moments (and others will never grow up at all – in today’s theme of referencing poetry I like, go check out The Lads in their Hundreds).

They yelled defiance of the Shadow. For a moment, their voices rang louder than the thunder.

I don’t have a lot to say about this except that it’s a lovely image.

Together they turned to face the oncoming Shadow.

Nice knowing you.

Draghkar overhead and Trollocs oncoming, and they’re just a lonely tower waiting to die. I do love a doomed last stand, even if it’s characters I’ve never met before and likely will never see again.

Malenarin was a man of the Borderlands, same as his father, same as his son beside him. They knew their task. You held until you were relieved.

THAT’S YOUR CUE, LAN.

Next (ToM ch 1) Previous (ToM prologue pt.2)

[booksbookandmorebooks]

Emma in the night Book review.

Hello there my lovelies, I know its been a little while since I last posted and I have honestly missed doing this so much, so thank you to anyone still here and still supporting me, it means the absolute world. 

As everyone is fully aware 2020 was an awful one but hopefully this year we can aim for a little more positivity and happiness, which is why im back today with a review of my first read of this year and bloody hell did I pick a goodun! So this is my first review for my first book of 2021, enjoy! 

The writing style

One of my favourite things about this book was the different points of view you get to experience and how well they mesh together. For example, we are told very early on that the events Cass is recalling aren’t exactly what you would call accurate and that she has spent months planning and creating this false narrative in an order to manipulate the people she's describing them to (which in itself is something I always get drawn into, the mystery and the need to figure out the characters motives and intentions along side the biggest question of all WHY?! Which is a question will find yourself screaming at the pages) This is made very apparent from the use of the choppy and restrictive way that these scenes are written. Wendy also somehow manages to create a feeling of desperation and messiness whilst having the characters maintaining such a mellow and collected exterior, you know the calm before the storm! Which is such a jarring feeling but one that realty captured and immersed me. A feeling I don’t think is easy to convey through a book format. That in itself is a testament to Wendy’s talent as a writer.

When you compare Cass’ chapters and inner dialogue to detective Abby’s they are so different but when they are looked at side by side they create a very interesting contrast that as I said before works so well, while there is a calm chaos to Cass’ words there is in turn a very structured and balanced feel to Abby's, almost a little detached like you were reading sections cut directly from a police case file. Through this constant difference in characters POVS the story flowed flawlessly and at the perfect pace for a thriller book. 

The climax of the book was not just shocking but also depicted so well in how the writing matched the pace of the reveal, the whole book alternates between cass and Abby with each chapter assigned to one of the characters but towards the end you see that the different POVs are whittled down to single sentences or just a few paragraphs that get shorter and shorter as the tension builds, creating this intense feeling of panic, alert and fear. A method that I swear had my heart physically racing at the end! It was like watching a classic cat and mouse scene play out in my hands/

I also have to mention that very last chapter. I'm sorry for waffling on but please bare with me. For a book based around secrets and deception the ending was that of a perfect one because of its ability to make you feel like after reading it you now share a secret with Cass and you are now part of this extremely messed up story and family, you have this understanding of her whole character and her motives which really brings everything full circle.

The character development:

The character development in this book is one of the best ive seen in awhile with each character being incredibly layered and yet undeniably flawed. Its done in such a human way that it doesn’t feel too far fetched like some thrillers ive read in recent years. Ensuring that all of the emotions tied in with said characters hit 10 times harder than that of those very basic 2 dimensional characters, even the worst people in this story have a difficult background or some type of abusive past, just a catalyst for their behaviours and characteristics and by gradually being informed of them you and being given the bigger picture you almost create an individual relationship and opinion on them ranging from hatred to pity. We get amazing development in every single one even the seemingly unimportant ones because even they are given enough backstory to still secure a connection of some kind with them, something I know we can all appreciate as readers.

The relationships.

The main relationship ill focus on is that of the sisters Cass and Emma. I know there are a lot of relationships in this book that over lap and intertwine in really interesting and sometimes awful ways but as these two characters are the basis of our main storyline it makes a little more sense to focus the attention on them

As a huge plot point throughout the story we see that due to the actions of their mother and her lack of genuine maternal instinct and well, love we see the girls in this constant battle of who can earn their mothers love trust and affections first. Which was so heart breaking to read, through their mothers constant manipulation and abuse we see them fighting the resentment and distance that they know is growing between them and sadly a lot of the time losing because of Mrs. Martins influence and involvement. Its very obvious when reading about their mother that her abuse is based around the fear she feels at the idea of any kind of alliance that the girls could potentially form with each other, god forbid they turn against her and out her as a bad mother! So she decides its easier to create a wedge between the two of them by openly favouring one over the other which unfortunately results in a lot of cruel actions from Emma direct at Cass, creating another toxic relationship and situation for the girls to live in. Although we do get the occasional glimpse at these really beautiful and raw moments of sisterhood and love they share deep down. After seeing so much pain in their story it made these moments just that little bit more special and down right beautiful which was a part that i especially adored.

The themes:

In its relatively short amount of pages this book manages to explore a huge variety of themes from love and obsession to betrayal abuse and manipulation, which lets be honest is everything you want in a good thriller book but usually when a writer takes on this many themes I always find some of them are either touched upon very quickly then dismissed and never revisited or thought of again or done so badly with such a lack of care that its obvious they were just included for the author to be able to say they've hit all the key themes a reader would expect a good thriller to hit. Yet Wendy manages to not only explore all of these and more, but manages to do it well and so subtly you don't notice until you sit back and think about them all which to me just shows a writers real talent.

The psychology:

Another huge part of this book and something I adored were the analysis parts of the book, the in-depth look into narcissism and its effects on the children it surrounds.  We are constantly listening to Detective Abby explaining and exploring the characteristics of the people Cass is talking about in her chapters, exploring the connections and the risk factors associated with such a serious disorder as narcissistic personality disorder. I found this to give the story and writing some real merit, it felt like i was reading a psychology book and getting down to the real science of why characters work the way they do and giving the reader a chance to explore it themselves instead of just being told this person has this which is something I cant stand in books. Instead of investing time and effort into helping guide you to a conclusion or even showing you they just tell you this is how it is and expect that to be enough. So frustrating! None the less, this is something I haven't experienced in another book and a technique I hope to see more of!

Similar books:

When reading this I got very strong sharp objects vibes, the fractured relationship between families, focusing on mother and daughter, a highly manipulative mother, an obsession with public facades and the desperate need to keep up appearances and so much more! If you liked sharp objects you will love this, as Emma in the night has all of the important story beats and intrigue that sharp objects has but more intensity and a faster paced story something I felt was missing when I read SO’S.

Over all I adored this book, as you can probably tell and considering it is my first Wendy walker book I can safely say i have fallen in love! I can promise you now this will not be my last read from her collection. I was captivated by her story and her writing which is why i couldn’t recommend this more!

A very very easy 5/5. 

so that's it, thanks for reading my review, i really hope you enjoyed it! sorry if I waffled at all its been awhile since ive written any reviews and am still getting my bearings with it again so please be patient with me. Hope you have a fab week my lovelies, Bye!

[seb-ass-tian-stan]

touch | seb stan one shot

pairing: reader x co-star!seb

warnings: big fat fluff, anxiety, slow burn but NOT because it’s a one shot after all, romantic cheesy CRAP

a\n: started out as a headcanon, so it’s written in a weirdly casual way (for the most part). just a heads up! Also let me know what you think!!! Feel 100% free

Another note: I HATE it when writers don’t put an ‘under the cut’ link and i’ve already done that twice so im sorry!!!! Last time promise

You and seb have been acquaintances for a couple of years, met each other in a broadway production you both starred in, you were never super close. Just distant friends. After a while of not seeing him you two get to play in a second rendition of the show due to popular demand or something like that and you become friends again.

And as time goes by, with each rehearsal he suddenly sees something in you. Suddenly he realises his feelings for you. He looks at you and realises you’re more than a fair woman, you’re beautiful. The flaws that used to make you an average in his blind eyes now make you exactly what he sees as the ideal. Utter perfection.

But... Sebastian keeps it on the down low because he’s kind of embarrassed about all of that, as one would be.

His embarrassment mostly comes from him believing that you’re out of his league. I mean he knows he looks decent, more or less. But as for his personality, he never thought of himself as macho or suave and you’re ex was all that, so Seb doesn’t have the courage to make a move.

But listen to that; there are certain things that he just can’t control. Little small tiny hiccups. 

Like, by example, when you two are rehearsing he’ll come wearing this, gorgeous, gorgeous, mens perfume that smells like heaven for all those attracted to the male species. And it’s most definitely on purpose.

One time, you two rehearse a Kiss ™, and out of nowhere, he takes his time. Just slightly more. And instead of looking into your eyes afterwards and holding you firmly as the once director directed, he looks down and blushes and just holds one of your hands ever so lightly. But it’s the lightness that gets you to really feel it. Surprisingly, or not, just your fingers brushing against each other has so much more impact than a firm grip of the body. God.

In the mornings he starts to bring you coffee. And he did that the first time you were working together, but now it’s Starbucks. You’re favourite brew -  alongside these great dutch waffles they have. 

He lives nowhere near a Starbucks.

And when all the actors are sitting down for some wine drinking and lighthearted conversations, he tries to sit as close to you as possible. If there’s a spot right next to you, it’s a jackpot. It really is.

So then, he sits next to you on the sofa and your knees keep brushing. He looks at them and then at you - back and forth. You’re unbothered, invested instead in the conversation with your co-star across the room.

So he stays as is. 

On another similar occasion he even puts his arm behind you. not to get your attention or to let you know he’s flirting, God no! Simply because he likes to be close to you and feel your body warmth on him. The moment you’d notice, he would move his arm and apologise, as he rehearsed in his mind.

You laugh and sit back on his arm. He doesn’t pull it away, he’s afraid to do any sharp movements - if he’s afraid to touch you - it’s a signal he wants to, isn’t it? All those thoughts get his mind spinning and he’s super anxious and he hates himself for that. He didn’t do anything dramatic, nothing too risky, and he’s already sweaty. And you can kinda sense it. 

You look back and he swallows his spit and blushes. “Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”, and he wants to say all is well. more than well. That you’re beautiful and smell nice and he’s lucky to feel you against him. But you lean forward and return to your chattering, not before flashing a lazy and ingenuine smile. But he’ll take it!!

One time, he gets a facetime call from his mum as you two are waiting for rehearsal to start. Something inside him (most likely the something that considers you to be one of the focal points of his life at moment - his heart) tells him to introduce you two. You and his mother.

So after turning the camera to the green room to show Georgetta the place he was spending most his time at, he turns it back and then to his side, to you. To unbothered, distracted, nonchalant, cool, beautiful, funny, dreamy you.

You say hello. You say hello and then giggle a bit. And that little insecure fuck takes it as a “that was really weird of you” giggle. So he turns the phone to his other side and introduces his mum to a “stage-crew-assistant-person-kinda” while he���s sowing together a few bold coloured garmets, and then goes, “So yah... we’re all good friends here!”, and his mind goes full on survival mode and starts looking for a way out of the situation.

One day... You two finish late. You tell him in a casual manner that you’re going home by foot. The little idiot says, “Great, goodnight!”, with an appropriate idiot smile, so you start walking away.

But the minute you step outside the venue, his calls your name and asks if you want him to walk you. It’s the bravest he’s ever been near you, and your oblivious ass goes haha sure weird flex but ok ! :-).

At the first 3 minutes you two are kinda silent, which is awkward for the both of you - but so so so much more for him. It’s painful.

But then, you start talking about the hot weather outside and that leads to talking about how much you love winter and miss it. And your descriptions of the cold weather send Sebastian back to his childhood so much it makes his nostrils expand because he can almost smell the rain.

The conversation suddenly gets deep. Without him even trying, which makes him excited. It reconfirms his now strong feelings for your cuteass.

He tells you about winter in romania which leads to his escaping from communism story which leads to talking about the human condition and the meaning of life. And it’s wonderful and he’s not that scared anymore, it’s like talking to his best friend.

Before you know it it’s 4AM and you’ve been sitting on your buildings stairs for about 2 hours. You frankly wanna end the conversation because you have a long day tomorrow but he talks so freely and he’s never been like that with you before —he opens up and it shouldn’t ever be interrupted, it being such a rare thing to occur. So you listen carefully and start to notice;

The way his lips move is to be put in a museum of modern art. He is so invested in the story so his hands move magestically to further convey it, and they’re big and manly and he looks so handsome, you feel like you just met him. Your hearts literally flutters and you hope he never finishes the story because when it’s your turn to speak, you’ll have nothing to say but hello, nice to meet you.

And—“Wow,” you think, “What was that?”. Now your mind is racing.

You aren’t aware of his own loving and anxious thoughts so you do everything you can to surpress your own.

You both are surprised by that time. You’re surprised by the fact that this beautiful man with the great deal of talent and an even greater deal of sex appeal agrees to stay in your presence for so long.

He is surprised by the exact same thing. This treasure of a woman sitting beside him and listening to him. Not to mention, he’s surprised by himself, feeling comfortable to talk for so long!

All of a sudden he’s aware of how much talking he’s been doing and he stops. “-I’ve been talking for so long. Oh god, sorry.”

He reaches to put his hand on your own (which rests on your thigh) as he says the word “Sorry”. But his body stops him and he only puts it on her knee.

Then again, it’s also so painfully intimate. A mistake. His mind says go back but he doesn’t. He freezes.

The sun starts to rise as the street clock says 4:55, and you see him now much clearer. You smile at Sebastian while a person that works for the city in cleaning its streets walks past you two.

Your hand was now voluntarily resting on his.

He finishes swiping some leaves away and looks at you two, and, with an incredibly apologising look, asks to get up because he should swipe off some dirt and dust of off the stairs you’ve been on for 2 hours.

You do so and look away while he does his craft so you don’t make him uncomfortable by staring at him. Sebastian has such great manners, you think to yourself. But it wasn’t manners—it was a pure heart—you’ll find later in life.

The elderly man turns around and thanks you two for your patience. He rarely encountered something like that in the streets of New York.

“You two are charming. Have a good morning.”

Sebastian nods to him in thanks and the man walks away. No words needed to be exchanged now in order for you to figure the situation out. No words needed. The sun was now high enough to light the street up and you saw everything so very clear - the both of you.

[dawgsprite]

hey if you could, what would you infodump about rn? id love to hear about it!!

so like. i usually yell abt whatever media hordes my attention-- and rn that's almost always fate (okada specifically because okada is one of the three characters who im like. deeply intimately attached to and hyper aware of at all times living in my head rent free. it's really two now since ones been retired for years but he's still Lurkin), but since fates been on a bit of a cool down recently since i haven't settled on what fate media to consume now except for musing over fate strange fake, tsukihime, and the vns (which i would love 2 read but it's such an intense commitment hyperfocus thing that i don't really have anyone to talk abt it with), im thinking a lot about the other things im reading rn which are chainsaw man, jujutsu kaisen, and to a lesser extent bungou stray dogs.

i think a LOT about jjk because like. almost no one i know is reading it but it's such a good and fun series that i really love?? like it's super easy to just like. get INTO it and have fun. if you're gonna take away anything from this READ JUJITSU KAISEN. it's abt a kid named yuuji itadori semi possessed by a super powerful curse (think demon) and basically alive under the condition that he'll be eventually be executed when he's consumed all the pieces of the curse so it'll be unable to come back in any form. he's got his good friends, his mentor, and then the villains trying to do their own goals, one of which is to revive the king of curses (sukuna) which is the curse that itadori hosts. it's a little typical shonen styling, with the magic school and superpowered protag/villain/mentor, but for some reason it's just like. super fun to me? like i can't understate how much FUN it is to read jjk. like i just get so excited and hyped reading it. i love itadori a lot, he's a fucking dumbass but he's also just raw power (which is mostly unexplained as to exactly why he's almost inhumanly strong even before sukuna which makes me 👀), but i also have more niche faves like toji who's a semi minor character with a very small role but SUPER FUN. I love a bad dad. i also love sukuna but i feel like that's not necessarily niche.

jjk is also like, and i say this anytime i get super excited abt it, super good imo at expressing strength? like there's a few characters who are ridiculously powerful-- sukuna, gojo, and toji coming to mind immediately, and they all feel really strong despite the fact that there's three of them. i feel like it just conveys power and strength and ability really well in a way that gets me at least super excited and invested in the story. fights are really fun, the art is a little messy but i find it still rly nice, and it's got some really good monster design.

it's also got some more hard hitting and intense moments-- nothing like chainsaw man, which i could gush abt the misery of for ages (I REALLY LIKE IT THO EVEN IF ITS JUST BLEAK AS HELL), but like. there's a few moments off the top of my head that really sank in. there's some themes abt like, choosing to do as much for others as you can even if it means your own death, being afraid of death still... but even with stuff like that it doesn't tend to be miserable. it's really fun as ive said before. rn it's in probably my favorite arc so far, but ive enjoyed all of them to some extent. there's only like one arc that im a little less interested in but that's bc ive read jjk like three times by now and that's just the one i know the best so it's not a lot of new info or stuff to ruminate over.

also like. all the characters in jjk are just. super fun and interesting. like there are plenty of side characters that get fleshing out and interesting traits and personalities that make them fun to see like toudou, nanami, fushiguro, Maki... hell toji is a super minor character but like i said he's one of my faves, if not THE fave. there's a remote piloted mecha man, a super powerful sorcerer who only speaks in ingredients, a panda... and the villains are also super fun. like i said i love sukuna but getou is super interesting and mahito is just chaos.

ANYWAYS GOD i just ended up gushing abt jjk. my bad fkskjfskc usually when I infodump it's abt characters but i just love jjk so much and literally no one i know personally reads it besides me and im such a big advocator for it. AND IF YOU DON'T WANNA READ IT ITS GETTING AN ANIME!!! OCTOBER SECOND!!! honestly if you want to get into it but don't want to read the manga MESSAGE ME and im happy to stream it for you/let you borrow my crunchyroll premium guest pass thingy because it's such a good series and the fact that it's getting an anime makes me so unbelievably excited. it's also got a few vas that i LOVE so. extreme hype.

one warning i will say about jjk is that it like. has no brakes. once jjk gets going it kinda never stops and it gets into it FAST so it might be confusing or overwhelming at first but i promise you it's worth it. at least in my opinion. and ive been known to have good taste sometimes.

anyways sorry fksnfkdkf waves my jjk flag in the air. read jjk. come talk to me abt it if you get into it/want to get into it.

(come talk to me anyways i love making friends and talking abt anime. you can always ask me more questions abt anime and i will be more than happy to chatter abt it for god knows how long)

[graphicabyss]

I just finished watching The Gifted and I thought it was a long shot and I was prepared to be disappointed but it’s actually pretty good?? Good characters and character development and relationships. We finally got Thunderbird and he was awesome. There's a badass Polaris and Blink (which is already a second Blink on TV) and Stepford Cuckoos. All the characters and their relationships are dynamic. I was invested in this shit and they cut it off after 2 seasons?? It slightly reminds me of Dark Angel, the most underrated sci-fi series ever also incidentally cut at S2. I don’t know if it was the Disney acquisition or what but that’s bullshit. The second season got a little messy but Agents of Shield has gone to shit 4 seasons ago and it‘s still on air. The Gifted had some flaws but it also had a very solid core message regarding intolerance, human rights and minorities, like X-men always had, and that made it so much more meaningful than MCU. Im so stressed.

Being a fan of anything Marvel is so damn frustrating. All the TV/screen adaptations are an emotional roller-coaster, especially if you know anything about the comics. There's hardly a place to even discuss character and plot faitfulness. The MCU is fairly consistent but it still has enough issues. The X-men are totally fucked with most movies and TV series booting and rebooting and contradicting each other. And then there's Fantastic Four, which is 2 movies that have nothing in common except the actual character powers. The fans try to make sense of it but it's not really possible as the creators all realized their own vision in their own format aiming at revenue.

And it's all frustrating as fuck as no matter how bad it is, we still get attached to the characters and their stories. And it's sad that many of them just get scrapped, cancelled, discarded without conveying what they had to say. And even if some movies were disappointing you still like at least some parts of it, you just want them to be better not rebooted for the 4th time.

X-men is the worst. I liked most of both the first and the second cast and there were strong points in there, I just wish they could take the best of it and do something good with it. Yet, Dark Phoenix was so bad it feels like a renovation can't be done at this point, only demolition.

The Gifted started anew, taking a newer and virtually unknown corner of Marvel and making it its own. It finally introduced the Purifiers and Morlocks. It may have failed in some ways but it did a great job with highlighting the destructive nature of hate and intolerance, something MCU never really had. And now it's gone.

The Marvel world is s big, there are still so many places, factions and characters that can be used. But it feels like we just can't have good things.