#im just trying to share my brainworms

[diamo-chan]

Just one tiny long hc scenario

Imagine moving in with Felix into Blackthorn manor for whatever reason...because it feels more comfortable living in a house rather than an abandoned icy castle. Everyone makes you feel welcome, except for Escell. Its not even anything he says -even though he says plentily too much - it's his whole aura. To make matters for him remaining staff members treat you as a part of the family, which means with the same autoritary respect. So you're sitting at the table being served by Withersby, have all your wishes granted at hearts degree and don't need to worry or do anything while escell looks at you from across the table the way one would look at a cockroach sitting on an extravagant buffet.

Personally, ignoring Escells existence, I would feel terrible if there was a butler taking care of my stuff. I'd at least want to help. So MC goes to Withersby to ask if there's anything they can assist him with, any kind of work that he might put onto them, so he can do more important stuff. At first, he is reluctant because, pray tell, what if anyone of the anguis house sees that he's treating a guest like a maid/servant. But MC is persistent, and they mean well, so the old man gives in.

He shows them how to do whatever task he chooses, whether its paperwork or cleaning one of the rooms in the long abandoned wing of the mansion, putting the paintings and inventory back to place, trimming in the garden to redesign the hedgemazes layout or setting the table before meals. All without speaking of cause, which doesn't make the task of learning easier but... it goes well over time, and theres always a smile on th butler's face when he sees them.

Still, Escell continues being an arrogant jerk... because it's in his essence to be a prick to possible love interests (*mistakes*) of his children. Until at some point, Withersby brings the Archmage a strong cup of coffee to work through the night. The mage finds a little note on the tray under the cup that reads, "If you continue being rude to MC, I will spit into your food."

And Escell looks up to the Anguis butler in shock, but the elderly man has a perfectly neutral and calmly threatening pokerface.

While Withers may not blame Escell for what happened 20 years ago, he was still a part of the Anguis staff long before young Escell joined the house. And there are certain rules and standards to uphold... such as manners.

After all, he noticed the looks Felix has been throwing MCs way for weeks. The necromancer's never subtle enough for the butler to miss the hints. And he will not have the bitter, salty, divorced noble treat a possible future member of the anguis household with such disrespect.

[batfossil-fr]

it’s been a while since I’ve done much art. here’s a fun little headshot for creosote on FR of their dragon Viatryx!

[brainworm-blitz]

happy ace week to all the aces that were actually horrified/devastated to realize they were ace. btw.

I love u.

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, Ive been in such a writing slump for like almost a year now and Im just. So tired. I just wanna create!! I wanna write something again! But anytime I look at one of my WIPs I just can’t get myself into any of them and I mean its very possible that's also just a side effect of being so rusty and not writing for so long and the fact easy distraction like youtube is just a click away but then again it just feels like the creative juices won’t flow and its killing me ;_; I want to Write, I want to Create and I want to share it again, and maybe its just that I miss posting my work and interacting with fandom and having that fan-obsession so there's a question there to consider what exactly Im missing but... damn I really do just wanna write again and feel how good that feels to be creative ;_;

This just sucks man...

[scummy-writes]

Everyone has been super nice about that fanfic across all my social media, and so many kind words pretty much Immediately has left me like this:

I was constantly convincing myself that no one would enjoy it, because sequels are so daunting to me for multiple reasons, so nearly immediately having that disproven has rendered me overwhelmed (in a positive way)

I am very bad at expressing thanks, but thank u!! For reading it and enjoying it!! Thank you for the encouragement and the lil confidence boost!

I hope to write more gilbert in the future. Right now, I'm going to not write for a week or two (but still be active in here) and then think about other wips I want to finish - roomie made a request about a month or so ago, so thats gonna be finished first.

Thank u!!

[remwrites]

*slides into your inbox with a rose between my teeth* hii. i'm asking you to consider: scarian, but one of them is some kind of a fucked up creature and the other is Just Some Guy learning many new things about themselves (*cough*monsterfucker*coughcough*). can be either people-eating vex Scar or biblically accurate Grian, both are fun in their own ways :3c

(don't feel obliged to write anything if it's not your thing, im just sharing my brainworms with u)

tripped and fell and wrote 3.5k. and there's probably gonna be more. whoops.

welcome to rem and szad's monsterfucker au. i told myself the whole time i was writing this that it wasn't going to be called that. here we are.

[]

Grian was never great at running.

He didn't have any shoes. His feet slipped, hands scraping the ground while his heart punched his chest in earnest. He just needed to be fast enough to get away, it didn't matter where, everywhere was better than here. He couldn't take the Watchers anymore, he couldn't take--

The heavy shackle on his ankle suddenly yanked taunt, and it was too late. He was pinned, dragged, and despite his struggles and screams brought back into the very place he was trying to escape.

"Traitors don’t get to leave.” The Watcher holding him said, serene.

Grian spit in their face.

It didn't seem to even faze them. “We tried so hard to rehabilitate you.”

Grian recognized where they were going and his heart dropped like a dead weight. Instead of continuing to struggle, he clamped his mouth shut and breathed heavily through his nose. If he screamed the whole way down, the monster would know he was coming.

This seemed to amuse the Watcher, who pulled Grian by his bound wrists and brought him to the pit. It was covered in cross-hatched metal, a small latch to drop the food down.

Grian was the food.

"Please." Grian said, a terrified whisper. "Don't."

"Will you cooperate now?"

“No.”

“Then you are no use to us.”

Fear pounded louder than his heart and against all sense he tried to flee one last time. Only to be wrenched immediately when the Watcher yanked the chain on his ankle, swinging him down with a stomach-swoop of momentum into the pit.

Grian landed face first into the dirt, teeth splitting his lip. A broken cry, curling around his bound hands that cut into his stomach. The latch shut with a resounding clang of metal, echoing in a haunting repetition. The Watcher mercilessly strode away and left Grian to his fate.

Silence. All Grian could hear was the pounding of his own heart and his ragged breath. Somewhere within the dark was the Vex. They kept him to dispose of any bodies, but there hadn't been any for a while. Here was his next meal, dribbling blood into the dirt.

Grian was so fucked. He pushed up on his aching hands, raising his head. No visible signs. Just dirt and the geometric squares cut from the only light source above. He dragged himself to the nearest wall, for the fallacy of protection, pulling his knees up and burying his face in his knees and waited for death.

Shivering. Quiet. Death didn't come. The pain and ache of leftover adrenaline. Grian raised his head, looking into the darkness of the pit. There was nothing.

He trembled, struggling for air, and his heart skipped a beat, then redoubled in fervour. On the opposite side of the pit, in the shroud of darkness, a pair of white eyes stared at him.

"I'm sorry to disturb you." Grian said, delirious, terrified. "Please don't eat me. I promise I'm not tasty."

A piercing white stare, not even so much as a blink. The hairs on the back of Grian's neck stood up.

"I'll just stay over here, and you'll stay over there, and we won't bother each other. Okay?" Grian said, slow, voice fabricating calm.

The eerie glowing eyes didn't move.

"Great." Grian hid his face back in his knees.

The silence almost seemed to reverberate around him, motionless airwaves prickling and pushing against his skin. There was a flood of blood down his chin from his lip, stinging with the dirt from his fall. Even if Grian wanted to do something about it, his hands were bound and there was a fucking Vex watching him from the other side of the pit.

The reminder restarted his panic. Grian looked up again and the eyes were gone. That was somehow worse.  He frantically looked around but didn't see anything.

"Where did you go?" Grian put a voice to his panic, because he talked when he was nervous. It was a terrible habit and it was imminently going to get him killed.

Then white eyes appeared, directly across from him in the darkness. Grian swallowed a cry, and said, "Hey, you're not going to eat me, right?"

The heavy silence remained. Then, slow and purposeful, the white eyes blinked.

Grian had never heard the Watchers refer to the Vex as anything but a mindless monster. However, Grian found that he did not agree with them on most things. Maybe this was just another thing.

"They suck, huh?" Grian said, bravely, pointed up through the metal grate. "They treated me like shit too. I'm sorry they've locked you in this pit, it's not very nice."

The white eyes didn't blink again. But Grian was on a roll, and he pretty much always figured he'd die running his mouth anyway.

He continued, "I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but they want you to kill me. So if you hate them like I do, I'd suggest not killing me. Then maybe we can see if there's a way to break out of here instead. Sound like a plan?"

That horrible, compressing silence. Grian bore it with as much grace as he could muster, pretending to be a lot more confident than he was. After an eon, the white eyes blinked again.

"Brilliant." Grian smiled, wobbly. "My name's Grian, what's yours?"

The white eyes vanished. Grian's heart dropped, but he didn't react, licking his lips and tasting pennies. Feeling cold from the drain of adrenaline, heart stuck in an uneven cadence.

A whisper beside him. Grian jumped, despite trying to keep his cool, and almost fell over in surprise.

The Vex was big. He was almost spectral, translucent, an ephemeral electric blue except for his white eyes, a heavy collar around his neck, and off-coloured scars intersecting over his form. His shape was mostly vague, with claws sharp like knives and more teeth than a mouth should fit.

"Hello." Grian said, tight, terror woven into his bones. "You're awfully close. I like my personal space."

The Vex hovered a moment, then moved back just a touch.

Hope sparked in Grian's chest. That meant something. He said, "Thank you, I appreciate it."

The Vex raised a giant hand and pointed to a large noticeable scar on his own face.

Grian stared at him, the point of his claw, mind not quite keeping up. He was still focused on the 'not being eaten' thing.

Then the Vex mouthed a word. No sound, but the faint attempt of showing a spectral tongue on the roof of his mouth. It could've been 'name'. Then he pointed to the scar again.

Everything about the situation became rapidly very different than what Grian had been thinking. He was not dealing with a mindless monster. He was dealing with someone who had a name, and that name was Scar.

"Your name is Scar." Grian said, with a touch of wonder.

Both white eyes shut. It took Grian a moment to realize the Vex was attempting a smile.

"Hello Scar." Grian said. "You understand me?"

A careful nod. Keeping a safe distance away.

"Can you speak?"

Scar shook his head. Those huge claws touched the collar around his throat.

"Oh no, that's awful." Grian leaned forward on his bound hands to look closer in the darkness. "What have they done to you?"

A visible hesitation, then that razor sharp claw reached towards him, half-curled, and pointed at Grian lip.

"Oh." Grian tried to wipe away the blood on his chin, using his wrist since his hands were still bound. "I pissed them off. I was trying to get away. Didn't work, obviously."

The Vex made a breathy noise and turned away. He floated along, disappearing into the darkness, but a moment later the white eyes flashed in waiting. That same breathy noise, like a summon.

Grian figured he had little to lose at this point. He struggled to his feet, the chain on his ankle dragging on the ground as he limped forward. He followed the Vex into the darkness, where his eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light. In the corner the pit was more like a cave, with a running source of water pooling and draining out into the small cracks in the rock.

But it was running water. Grian knelt beside it and drank, throat dry and coated in copper. Then he tried to wash off all the blood from his face and clean his lip. It hurt like hell, stinging, and his bound hands didn't make it easy.

He had an audience of one, the two pricks of white watching him. He tried to shake his self-consciousness, reminding himself over and over that he had to stay calm. He had been given no reason to be afraid.

Scar came closer, and it was hard to stand beside the Vex because his presence was much larger, even when not solid. Grian felt his breath clog his throat, the ephemeral shape of a hand reaching towards his.

"What's up?" Grian asked, as the claws touched his wrist, pulling just a little. "Oh, okay."

He held his bound wrists out. Scar barely twitched his sharp claw and the ropes shredded, the bits falling to the floor.

Grian rubbed his red-ringed skin and looked at the destroyed rope, a little ill and intimidated. The Vex was that powerful, claws that sharp.

"Thank you." Grian said, carefully. "Do you want me to see if I can get your collar off?"

Scar didn't reply, but didn't move away either. Grian carefully reached up to pull on the metal, finding no visible seam. He frowned and muttered, "They must've got it on somehow."

Scar made a motion, like turning a key in a lock. Grian found the keyhole on the back of his neck and sighed.

"Sorry, I can't be more help." Grian said. "If only I had tools. I'm a great lockpick."

A low sound that Grian couldn't determine was good or bad. He stepped back from his inspection of the collar and gave Scar space, instead kneeling to inspect the chain around his own ankle. There was little they could do for that either, and Grian suspected it had tracking magic imbued in it -- the only reason he could think that they caught him leaving so quickly. If they were to attempt an escape a second time, he'd need it off first, just like they needed Scar's collar off.

"Let me think." Grian announced, and began to pace. He inspected the corners of the pit, looking at the narrow corners, the only exit being the overhead heavy metal grate. He stood underneath and stared up, heart drumming his carotid artery as he considered how fucking ridiculous the situation was. Then he walked to the other side, where Scar had been watching him initially. There was a corner, shadowed in darkness. And the dirt and rock were covered in discarded clothes -- blood stained and ripped.

Grian knew that they were from bodies Scar would've consumed and he chose to ignore that for his own sanity at the moment. Since it was the only other thing inside the pit, he began to rifle through the nest, picking up the socks and jackets to see if they had anything helpful in the pockets.

Scar appeared at his side again, a small growl.

Grian had a death wish, apparently. He held both hands up and said, "Sorry, should've asked before I just started going through your stuff. I'm just looking for anything that can help us escape. I want both of us to get out of here, okay?"

The sharpness in the white eyes backed off a little. Scar turned his head away, huffing.

"I appreciate it." Grian told him. Then returned to his task.

There was nothing useful in the pockets, they were mostly shredded beyond usefulness. He almost gave up before he found a jacket that had its sleeve held together by pins.

"Perfect." Grian breathed, a light of hope in his chest.

Grian separated the pins and kinked the metal into a more useful shape. He stuck a couple extras in his mouth and said around them, "I can try and get that off for you."

Scar didn't move. Grian climbed out of the nest and approached, the chain on his ankle dragging as he moved.

"I'm not sure if it'll work." Grian told him, holding up the pins, spitting the rest from his mouth into his hand to show. "But I'm reasonably confident I can try. Okay?"

White eyes stared. Grian had no idea what the Vex was thinking -- if this would be the moment he'd decide to turn on him, or if it was just a lack of trust. That was understandable, he didn't know Grian.

But he could pick a lock better than anyone. He waved the pins, raising an eyebrow, offering. Scar finally turned around and let Grian access the back of his collar.

It wasn't an easy lock. It was tiny, and Scar was tall so he had to reach up to work on it.

"Could you get lower for me?" Grian said, when he couldn't get the angle he needed.

Scar cast a look at him over his shoulder, glowing white, a long contemplative pause. Then his spectral figure knelt on the floor.

It was very helpful. Grian had a much better approach to the lock, and with three different pins jabbed into the collar as he worked the tumblers, he managed to pick it open. There was a hissed release, the metal thudding against the dirt.

"Yes!" Grian cheered, stomach flipping with success. He said, "Is that better?"

The Vex was still kneeling. A long, clawed finger reached out to touch the collar split on the floor. A breathy sound, almost like a laugh. Then the light surrounding him faded, and his figure solidified.

Grian's throat caught in surprise, taking a step back. The shaped glow softened into tattered wings on his back, becoming a tall man with bluish grey skin and hair. Eyes still snow-white, but now fanned with lashes and eye crinkles. Pointed ears, teeth still sharp, nails pointed to claws, but otherwise Scar had a real form, one might mistake for a person if you were dumb enough to ignore all the signs that he was incredibly dangerous.

Still on his knees, Scar raised his chin to Grian and said in a very unused rasp, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Grian replied, dumbfounded. He hadn't been expecting that. He watched the long whip tail flicker. The same scars crossing his face in the spectral form carried over to the flesh one.

"You should get that off too." Scar said, pointing to the shackle on Grian's ankle.

"Yeah, right. Of course." Grian gathered up all the pins he'd dropped, forgetting entirely that Scar wasn't the only one trapped. "You were stuck like that?"

"Mhm." Scar stood, stretching with a long pull, like a very big dangerous cat. The tattered wings expanded to their full wingspan and it just about took Grian's breath away.

"How long?" He asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"Longer than I'd like to admit." Scar said, and turned to give Grian a smile with his many teeth. "You're an angel."

"Pleasure." Grian replied, throat dry. Oh no, he had a deathly good charm. He ducked his reddening face to focus on trying to accomplish the same feat for himself.

Scar stalked the length of the pit while Grian worked. He stood underneath the grate and stared up into the light, a frown on his face, tail flicking irritably behind him.

"Are they going to come back for you?" Scar asked.

"They were hoping you'd kill me." Grian reminded him.

"They usually just drop dead bodies in here. And I eat them because it's not like they're getting any deader. But I wasn't going to attack you if you weren't a threat." Scar told him, cavalier.

"They think you're a monster so they will assume I'm dead."

"I am a monster." Scar smiled, all his horrible teeth on display. "But not the kind they want. What did they do to you?"

Grian thought about the cell he'd been locked in, the problems he'd caused himself, the disciplines and punishments and gaslighting over long periods. The chilled smiles and bruises around his wrist. He said, "What didn't they do?"

"I'll kill them for you." Scar offered.

Grian dropped the pin he was trying to hold. He said, "I don't need you to do that. I just want to get out of here."

"We can do that." Scar said.

It was stupid, but Grian's hands were shaking and he couldn't manage to get his own shackle off. He exhaled, mind running a mile ahead of him, and placed the pins on the floor for a minute to calm down.

"Am I scaring you?" Scar asked.

"No. Yes. I'm just having a very long day." Grian rubbed his bruised wrists, feeling every beat of his heart throughout his whole body, but especially his split lip. It was bleeding again, sluggish and slow, and he kept sucking the swollen thing and making it worse.

"Grian, you said your name was?" Scar stopped roving the length of the pit and came to sit beside him. Legs tucked underneath him. He had an old dusty coat and tight pants but no shirt and no shoes. Even with the bluish grey hue, he had a very nice chest. It was currently eye level and Grian made an effort to lift his chin and look Scar in the eye. A ringed white iris pinned back at him, searching his face.

Grian swallowed, "Yeah. Was I right? Scar?"

"That's me." Scar smiled, a little crooked, a peak of fangs, and it was hopelessly endearing.

Grian felt his heart beat harder, and this time the fear entangled with something else incredibly complicated. His mouth was dry. His sense was left somewhere else.

"How'd you end up here?" Scar inquired, picking up the pins off the floor and offering them to Grian, urging him to continue trying to free himself.

Trembling fingers took the pins and he ducked over his leg as he worked, hair covering his face. He said, annoyed, "They took me from my home. I don't know how long ago it was now. They were trying to get me to become one of them. It didn't take. What about you?"

"Wrong place, wrong time, I guess. I was overconfident that I couldn't be caught. They had more power than I considered." Scar said, shooting an annoyed look at the collar discarded on the ground.

"They're annoyingly resourceful." Grian agreed. The pin he was working with broke and he swore. He took a minute to dislodge the broken piece and manipulate a new pin into the right shape. Scar watched him work, eyes tracking, contemplative. Then Grian managed to get that satisfying click and eagerly shook the shackle off.

"But you are more resourceful than them." Scar praised.

Grian helplessly flashed a smile, shaky, and bent over his knee to breathe. He said, "Can I just have a bit to rest before we go? I'm so tired."

Scar shrugged, tattered wings flexing behind his shoulders. "Won't make a difference either way. They think you're dead and they don't visit me."

Grian nodded dazedly and moved to sit in the horrible nest of dead people's clothes, back against the wall and trying to breathe. He hadn't realized how much a weight the shackle was until it was gone, the binding magic disappearing into the air. They couldn't track him anymore. They couldn't contain Scar. A couple metal pins from the people the Watcher's had killed would be the same thing that freed them.

Rest wouldn't be easy with all the jittering adrenaline. He eyed the grate, with the light going pale with the growing night. He said, "They don't visit?"

"They do not." Scar agreed, moving and kicking the shackle idly as he passed, coming to sit beside Grian. "But if today is the day that changes, I will be awake to alert you."

Grian swallowed. He was drained and heavy. He wasn't sure this was a good idea, if he should've just pushed through.

Scar sensed his hesitation and tipped his head towards him. "Grian, you have given me back my voice and my physical form. I will protect you with my life."

That was a solemn vow, a painful one, a dangerous one. To have the favour of a monster.

"Soon we will have our freedom too. But it has been a very long day for you, and you need your strength. Rest and I will keep an eye out for anyone who seeks to harm you." Scar promised, shifting and lifting a leathery wing in offer.

Grian stared at him, unsure, but emboldened by his words. He carefully leaned into Scar's side and let the wing shield him, wrapping him in warmth.

He shut his eyes, body hyperaware, tense and waiting for something. Nothing came. He breathed carefully in and out, as the warmth seeped into his skin, as Scar's watchful eye protected him, and sleep felt like he was giving away something. Something vulnerable and coveted. He would never use the word trust, not after what he'd been through. But there wasn't a better word coming to mind.

Sleep was spotty and uneven, and came with a very distinct feeling of being chased, even if the images didn’t solidify into such. But everytime his mind came to the surface, the secure wrap of the wing around him bathed his mind in reassurance.

...

if/when i finish part 2, i may just post the whole thing to ao3. spirit willing.

[ganondoodle]

since seeing a post from a mutual yesterday i was thinking about how grateful i am that i can now, confidently say something like -im taking demise away from nintendo- or -hes MY character now- while knowing that the people following me will understand that thats not actually possible and also i dont mean that literally literally (duh)

bc (while i have mentioned it in the past and im not trying to fish for sympathy with this, the memories ... and trauma really does come back every now and then) there were people once that imagined i said that about a popular character in the fandom i was in when i was a teen and proceeded to try (and nearly succeeding bc i was already struggeling alot with depression, anxiety and undiagnosed autism) to bully me into killing myself; perhaps it wasnt their actual goal, but the shit they did (alot of them were adults too), was absolutely insane, but i've only been able to see that wayyyy after the fact

like even if im remembering wrong and i did word it wrong or weird or in a way that was easily misunderstood, i was a teen, with english not as my first language and it still was some fandom shit that ultimately did not matter and never in any scenario warrented that level of harrassment, i dont even think i ever told my parents bc i thought i had to deal with it alone since i 'caused' it too and since then just ... wanting to forget it ever happened

while i am much, much better now, and slowly learning to manage my mental health struggles too, i do wonder just .. how much of how i am today was shaped by that horrible experience, like the way i overly try to pre-apologize and put doubts on every thought i write out, or the panic i feel when something does go outside my usual range (mostly twitter really ..) was immensely worsened by that .. among stuff i probably dont even realize

funnily enough, i made my account on tumblr to try and flee from all that was happening to me (even if they did stalk me at first .. even here) and hey, im still here :D

i guess what im trying to say is, i am very happy to still be here, i am grateful to be able to be myself, even with its downsides, even with my problems, even if the things i do are passable at best, even if i will never "make it big", even if i am annoying at times, even if i do mistakes still, even if i am .... horribly bad at replying to the awesome people that message me-

there are, at least a few people, who enjoy, or even care, or heck, even think about what i draw and write, which is .. still mind boggling to me and i might never be able to truly believe its all real, there are people who are able to see beyond my flaws, forgive me if i do missstep or overreact, and just be aware that even with everything i share about me, there is lots you dont know that may inform why i feel a certain way about something, but thats okay, i am human, i am here, there are people who enjoy my brainworms, and perhaps even think i, as a person, am nice

i am so grateful for that

some things are good

[burntnotices]

you know, fandom is weird for me.

im in a lot, passively and actively. i love a lot of things. but burn notice, you know?

its been the literal Sun to my Earth for over nine years now. sure, the fandom certainly predates me even being aware of its existence. (i was indeed in the single digits when it first aired.) but there was a period of time, roughly around 15-19 where i WAS the fandom.

of course people were around, here and there. burn notice was an incredibly popular show, but not a Popular Show.

it was one of those that dominated the public eye for a couple dazzling years, fizzled out, and then entirely forgotten.

it has had its resurgence lately. not a “big” one, but a notable one no doubt. and it made me realize,

i have hinged my whole adult (and teenage) identity on this show. being this show’s number one fan. and when it gets down to it, and i see people enjoying the show that i literally have been a walking advertisement for, for the greater part of a decade, its bittersweet.

finally, people listen. but also, i feel a lack of a sense of self.

of course dubbing myself “THE burn notice person” when there was no fandom was egotistical and pointless at best, i never really imagined that identity being challenged.

and, no, obviously nobody is challenging it. that’s silly. it was never a serious title to begin with, but just a joking testament to my dedication and passion for the series. but in a way, it was.

but with the spreading of the show, i realize that being a vessel of transmitting Burn Notice Brainworms is pretty much moot now. like im not needed?

and god it sounds so dumb to say. im so depressed and self-hating but have such an elevated sense of self and worth about the dumbest stuff. it just sounds so (for lack of a better word) narcissistic of me to want to disappear the second im not “important” anymore. so on brand, and i really hate it.

its just all so fucking dumb. i know how dumb it is to feel this way, but i also still feel a sense of grief and loss over something i never had a say over in the first place.

i think part of it is that i wasted all of my teen and young adult years being a hermit, doing nothing but watching the show over, and over, and over, and over, and over, with nothing to show for it. i feel like i have entitlement to it because of that, and thats so fucking dumb. i don’t know why i am that way. i wish i wasnt.

i wish i could just be happy to have people who i share an interest with, but it just makes me want to disappear?

im no stranger to self-sabotage, but something about this feels different than that. i can’t explain it.

i don’t know. i can’t really explain why i feel such a sense of ownership over something i absolutely have no business feeling entitled to.

maybe its one of those “i suffered so everyone else should too” mentalities?

yknow, being bullied by my peers for being weird, or being told to shut up about it by my friends, both online and off, and my parents and family completely tuning me out whenever i spoke. “carrying” the fandom into the 2020’s by being annoying and loud.

i know i didnt DO anything for this fandom. i didn’t carry anything. nothing would be different today whether i was here or not. im owed nothing. people deserve to love the show, i want people to, but i still backslide into feeling like i should just throw in the towel because someone will love it more. someone will do better than me.

maybe thats why i liked competing for the title of “the best” in a ring with no opponents. so i could feel important for once. i know i stand up to no one, in anything i do. my art. my video game scores. my trivia. my money. my collections.

and when that “”title”” is challenged, i feel lost again. not because im in the ring with a bunch of people, but because nobody else is even competing, and yet i still lose. because everyone else is at the bar next door.

im the fool for trying to win at a social setting.

but then, i never really was equipped for socialization anyway. somewhere the wires got crossed.

anyway, i don’t really remember what my point was. i guess im just complaining. nothing new.

im just glad that burn notice has people who care about it.

[dicevires]

ive suddenly fallen in love w ur heracross gijinka naotora... r u willing to draw more of her 🥺🥺

HI 😭😭😭😭 IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY I just want you to know that this made me so, so, so happy when I first read it; I don't usually get a lot of interest in my OC or PKG art, I was really happy to receive this kind of message 🥺  I wanted to respond with proper art but I've been so busy & kind of forced my PKG brainworm into hibernation so I could focus on more important stuff 😭 I don't know if you're still here or you'll see this, but sorry for taking so long to reply!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me, it truly made my day 😊 I feel like maybe you wanted more um... comic stuff that shows her personality & interactions 🙈 I was hoping to get a Mega Evo design down for her & then the second one; i was just color blotching with a different grip on my pen (trying to fix so it doesn't put as much strain on my fingers).. I will prob delete later in the year because they're just scribbles, but just in case Anon saw I wanted to put it out there for now ;;;; TL;DR TYSM FOR THE WONDERFUL MESSAGE I will draw more of her!!!! 💙 (eventually) ((i promise...))

Naotora

[sugar-omi]

SAME ANON AS THE ONE WHO SHARED A MINI SCENARIO OF POP/ROCKSTAR MC DISPELLING RUMOURS ABOUT THEM AND COVE DATING AND AAAWAWSWA IM HAVING TOO MANY BRAINWORMS ABOUT THESE AU VERSIONS OF MC AND COVE GOING THROUGH SECRET RELATIONSHIP SHENANIGANS I-

TWINS 🤝🤝🤝🤝 pop/rockstar au, no matter who's the star is so good... omg i was reading 'bitten contract' (episode 122), and spoilers utc for those who are reading but aren't caught up

but imagine cove and mc pretending to not get along or trying to act normal, and just like in that episode, cove and mc go outside to "have a talk" and imagine someone walking out and seeing them kissing n talking abt how much they miss each other n wanna spend time together (imma be honest im imagining derek as the one to catch em. ik he's not oblivious but he's just my lil pookie i love him)

i love the idea that everyone knows, but them sneaking around is so good too

[eldritchmochi]

I am re reading coping skills and just needed to say thankyou for the food once again because omfg my lil cane user heart is so full, I cant stop imagining the rest of the nein meeting coping!essek and like how they all react to him both in kink and outside, and like how they react to caleb having a partner, many brainworms. Thanks for writing and sharing!!

okay listen, i am *also* excited for the rest of the nein to meet essek in coping skills. its going to be a ton of fun even if i really hate writing things with the full ensemble cast 🥲🥲

a lil teaser of THOTS on how it's gonna go for ur lov and patience:

- jester: absolutely decides shes esseks new bff (shes not wrong). does in fact offer to peg essek, but not the first time they meet she has manners caleb!! (its the second time they meet, and even tho essek expects it he still chokes on his spit and how forward she is). shes also incredibly nosey about esseks health, given she is in the medical field directly herself, which essek both hates and finds refreshing (its so much easier to explain his health to someone who has the bg knowledge)

- veth: immediately shovel talks essek, then basically adopts him when essek gets all prim and proper and politely mean "id like to see you try" and veth is like okay youve got teeth you can protect my boy too im counting on you heres a toddler (luc is delighted by esseks ability to make things float and essek is delighted by the fond looks he gets from caleb over veths shoulder)

- fjord: dubious at first but warms up to essek when essek relaxes enough to join razzing caleb. definitely warns essek about the impending pegging offer from jester, promises to distract her if shes overwhelming

- caduceus: is the one to spot essek flagging at the neins holiday party, sits with essek as caleb is distracted catching up with the rest of his friends as quiet company "its good to see him happy"

[aihoshiino]

I'm at peak doomerism rn how is this series gonna climb out of the abyss that we've been in and are continuing to see. Even if we get the best outcome (aqua rejection) there's a lot more that needs to be done to lay this shit to rest.

i would very much like to not be known for being having brainworms for a show that ends in inc*st full on please akasaka im begging

i was going to make a joke here about how i'm a person who likes shoujo manga, romance fantasy webtoons and weird eroge so the incest barely even makes me blink anymore but. honestly, i think that is actually Not A Joke.

I totally understand if people have too much of an incest squick or are triggered by incest and just have to get the fuck outta here or even people who are just tired of anime being fucking weird about incest and are dropping the series as a result. Life is too short to read manga that doesn't give you incurable brainworms. But like I said in my previous post, I think talk around the series is sort of... missing the bad writing forest for the incest trees, if you don't mind me torturing that metaphor a bit. But I recognize I can only really say that because I'm both pretty desensitized to incest as a topic (two of my favourite creators are, as previously mentioned, Kunihiko Ikuhara and Yoko Taro LOL) but also because I really like art that challenges me and makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. If something gives me strong feelings or I have a strong negative reaction to something - especially a kneejerk, moral judgement - then it gives me the opportunity to both interrogate why I felt that way and to try and articulate, even if it's only to myself, why I felt the way that I did what it was about the work I thought did that to me. I think it's made me a more open-minded and more well-rounded person in terms of what sort of art I'm able to consume and enjoy and I'm happier for it.

However, I fully acknowledge that this is NOT an attitude shared by everyone, especially in modern fandom climate and even more especially so for younger folks, and there are plenty of people reading Oshi no Ko for whom this is probably a whole fucking lot to process!! And there are even more people outside the fandom who are just hearing out of context explosions and random panels of the twins kissing and thinking what the christ is going on over there. It's a mess!

Ultimately the only thing you can really do is focus on the parts of the series you like and continue enjoying those, if you can. I'm sort of at a place in my life where I just unashamedly love the things I love without really worrying all too much about anyone else judging me and I think it's really good to try and cultivate that kind of attitude, too! Like, at the end of the day - does other people turning their nose up at OnK including this plotline take away the things that originally made you love it?

[miwtual]

kai i would love to know your thoughts on hotd after you're all caught up! do you have a favorite episode? favorite scene? favorite character? favorite relationship (romantic/platonic)? anything you'd like to share!!

hiiiii kim!! <3 idk how in depth i'll be able to talk bc most of the time when i have a new brainworm its just me viciously shaking everything/everyone in it like HGBSNDFKDJMFSLKF but i'll do my best jshfnsjkdf

it got really long really quickly, so i'll put it under the cut so that i dont take up everyones dashes sjhdbfnsjfkls

favorite episode: i think 1x07 "Driftmark" and 2x02 "Rhaenyra the Cruel" are my two faves from each season so far, but honestly i think i've enjoyed all the episodes from each season because of how each episode shows a different moving piece of what's going on! the pacing doesn't feel too wonky, at least to me, but of course i haven't read the book so i know that things probably go a LOT slower there and have a lot more character building than what we get in the show

favorite scene: this one's difficult for sure! but two stand out in my mind: aemond in the immediate aftermath of the death of luke, and aegon destroying viserys's model of king's landing after the death of his son jaeherys. i think both of them really show how aemond and aegon deal with the shock of a sudden death, and really show their character in how they deal with things in general. aemond is in shock, but he's not really... upset, so much as he is "oh, i fucked up", as compared to aegon who, in his grief, immediately turns to destroying things around him (not even just the model of king's landing, but the cups and flagons in the meeting room) and calling for his revenge. i think it's very telling about their characters and how they react to things (especially in the case of aemond, who had just killed his nephew who also took his eye. that was obviously something that upset him, but not even he wanted to take it so far as to kill luke, it seems)

favorite character: i will say i came into hotd a little biased with aemond already being my favorite... but according to my other moots who know me very well and also watch hotd it wasnt a surprise in the slightest given my track record JSHBDFNS but BESIDES him, i do love rhaenyra and alicent. i think they're both fascinating characters and seeing them trying to navigate this entire situation is really interesting, especially in the world of asoiaf where they find themselves in a near impossible position of power that no one could think of. im also fond of helaena, she is my daughter and i love her so much, and even tho i have only had alys rivers for a few episodes i love her to DEATH, weird girls in fantasy universes are my bread and butter

favorite relationship: now i wasn't sure how much of a fan i'd be of rhaenicent when i started (all i really knew is that rhaenyra and alicent had been friends before alicent became rhaenyra's stepmother, so i was little ???????? going in), but now that i'm caught up i so get it. those two are so in love it HURTS. platonically/familially speaking, i find alicent's relationship with each of her children fascinating. she treats them all the same way, but aegon, aemond, and helaena all take it so differently, and i find that really interesting to see how that impacts her relationships with all of them amongst everything going on

i also am not one to take sides with fandom stuff, like after the "team jacob" vs "team edward" stuff of the late 2000s/early 2010s im like no. i will see both sides out to the end. and especially in hotd where no choice feels like the right choice its like no i am neither team black OR team green, i am just here to see this family rip each other to shreds for a chair made out of swords

[stillfertile]

I have a couple things for u, first, ur header is elite, greatest picture of the deweys ever. i love looking at it every time i come to read ur blog like the morning news:)

Second, u gave me the brainworms with ur fantastic dewey art (u know the one) so now I'm going to share my brainworms with u. i like a good traditional a/b/o but consider this: alpha brandon but with Beta connor. connor may be a beta but that doesn't stop brandon from trying to put a baby in him at any given opportunity.

if i were a writer and i felt like adding some angst, i'd slip in a little something like: late at night when one thinks the other is asleep, "I wish I was an omega so I could give you what you want" or from Brandon, "sometimes, I wish you were an omega"

buT it needs to be the kind of angst that can be resolved like, "you're everything I've ever wanted, you're enough just the way you are"

anyway there's my brainworms, alpha brandon and beta connor:)

DUUUUDE DUDEDUDEDUDE IM THINKING ABOUT THIS SO HARD

Brandon would be sooo obsessed with knotting Connor, even though betas aren’t necessarily built for it. “Please, please can I knot you. I wanna—want to pump you full of pups, get you knocked up with my litter. If I pull out it’s not gonna take, Connor please”

THE AAANGST OF NOT BEING ABLE TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS Im thinking. stupid fight where Connor explodes at Brandon like “Im not your stupid omega, so stop treating me like one.” But in reality he just feels guilty for not being what Brandon wants. And Brandon misunderstands it as Connor doesnt like him back <3 IT WOULD BE SO MESSY

thank you THANK YOU anon for giving me your brain worms, if you have any more give me ‘em all :DDDD

[hughesquinn]

Are there any fics you want to talk about in particular? Is there something you’ve been working on or haven’t started but have been thinking about that are giving you brainworms?

THANK U ANON okay so like. i actually have a lot of fic ideas i Want to write but just. absolutely have not written so im giving u a LIST

and btw all of these fics would hopefully be at LEAST 10k so I can explore them enough <3 adding a break bc I talked so much

- COLLEGE AU WITH THE DEVILS!!!! so specifically. this would be with jack because we all know im a whore for him. this would primarily focus on him in college + getting together with nico. like i would want it to be dealing with a semester in college (or an entire year) where he starts the semester and meets nico, a new foreign exchange student and then his teacher sits him at a table with nico and says he can help him

so then ofc they become friends and jack introduces him to his friends and THEN. winter break and nico cant go home for break (? strange reason id figure it our) so jack offers to bring him to his house for break

and so then how i decide what happens after this depends on whether it would be just a semester + winter break fic or year long fic bc if its just winter break fic,,, then nico shares jacks room, they do a lil flirting You Know How It Is. and then on Christmas he gives jack a gift and jack realizes then that he is actually in love with him and then they fuckin kiss under a mistletoe like the cliched bitch i am

- GIRL JACK!!!! so i Have started this fic and I think i have close to 1k for it but it is smth im obsessed with as i am also mostly a female (gender is weird LOL) but so really my plan for this is just broadly follow career from draft to now but obv. rewrite what i please and have jack be girl

and then of course. i would focus on her + brothers bc i am Like That and i would want to forcibly include some of the canucks also being like protective older brothers to her

like. I want to have a scene of jack luke nico + marino and then quinn brock elias and one other guy maybe? going out after the first hughesbowl and then some dude is creepy as hell to jack (possibly when quinn goes to restroom? and jack is at the bar? idk) but id just want to add the canucks being like older bros to her <3

but i would try to primarily also focus on how HARD it would be for her. like in this au specifically she is the first girl to join the nhl and the ONLY one and i mention how insane the pressure is since she is also #1 pick so. ya <3

- CIFFEE SHOP AU!!!

I actually have notes for one in my phone im such a whore for them <33

^ that plan is from January so likely if i do this id update it and shit but ya that is basically an au <3

- and finally (bc ive talked so much)…. RETAIL AU. like i fucking despise retail so much and id want to take it out on the devils. but imagine…. Jack and nico as coworkers…. there is mf Tension between them…. luke joins and he is cashier :]

and then also there would be a point where luke goes on his break so jack takes over the register and some guy fuckin yells at him <3 because jsck asks for id because he’s buying alcohol bc it is the law <3 and guy yells at him so much he cries (is just me venting LMAOO)

but yaya ill stop now bc ive talked so much

[nyxofdemons]

OHHHHKAY I FINALLY WATCHED THE FIRST EPISODE OF HAZBIN ON YOUTUBE AND . HM. HM. MANY MANY THOUGHTS HEAD FULL

okay okay. please dont hate me. i was underwhelmed

LISTEN I CAN EXPLAIN. the first thing that stuck out to me was the,,,, dialogue? in some scenes its GREAT but initially i was sort of jarred by it, i feel like it's going wayyy too hard on the exposition at the cost of immersion. it just feels noticeably clunky in scenes

the SECOND thing, i both LOVE and dislike the music. i love like 65% of happy day in hell but vaggie's sudden interjection, plus the sequence where the background changes and charlie is like rolling along with all the random sinners singing felt. aghhhh i don't have a new word a lot of it just feels CLUNKY to me !! help !!!

i DO enjoy the characterization, from the get go a lot of it seems very very clear and tightly written. alastor remains my favorite character and the implications of vaggie making a deal with him have me MAJORLY intrigued i am SO curious about their dynamic in particular .

i. fucking. LOVE. ADAM. OH MY GOD HES GREAT. his speech style his outrageous personality HIS TAKEOVER OF HAPPY DAY IN HELL MADE ME SOOO EXCITED, THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE TO ME. ive seen criticism of him as 'uhh the writing is so dumb and lazy if the angels behave just like the sinners' but i literally dont give a fuck he is ENTERTAINING (and if i wanted to be serious about it i COULD say something about the juxtaposition between the angels and sinners seemingly having the same brand of humor but being WILDLY different in terms of worldview and philosophy. the angels who are self-obsessed and think theyre the greatest things to ever exist vs the sinners fully embracing themselves as the WORST things to ever exist, and charlie somewhere in the middle. oooooh i just KNOW this is gonna be a whole thing for my brain to chew on)

okay okay im sure theres more i could say but . hhhh. brainworms only. i think my official stance, for right now, is that i am fully optimistic that the rest of the show is gonna be awesome, but, as for right now... i think i actually preferred the youtube pilot to this first episode. i enjoyed the set design more, the character animation more (it feels stiffer in this one?? hazbin pilot and helluva boss both have a way more BOUNCY feel to them, i think, and i just adore it; i felt like it was missing from this one a bit), and most ESPECIALLY the dialogue. i way preferred the dialogue in the pilot than in here.

i DID absolutely love the expectation subversion of adam and lilith, though. that they eagerly wanted to share the gift of free will with humanity, rather than trying to orchestrate a cataclysm on purpose. i really enjoyed that.

(also, my final note: the voice acting is... okay. to me. i feel like some of the voices are sort of forced, and no matter how good he is, i am sorry, but i can NOT reconcile that voice with husk's face and design. it just feels so jarring every time he opens his mouth like my brain is struggling to connect that that's where this voice is coming from. im sorry mr david)