#im just trying get my dailies done
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no more meyers games pls dbd i beg of u stop making me face meyers
#im just trying get my dailies done#and burn through these terrormisu bc i didn't realize this surv i never play has 19#lex plays dbd#but i guess this is what i get for playing on a FRIDAY NIGHT
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i just randomly felt like doing a render since i havent done those frequently at all this year www and who else would it be of if not yuu
#re:kinder#fanart#yuuichi mizuoka#my art#i just really wanted to draw yuu and even though i have a lot of wips and visions i didnt feel like executing them just yet#i wanted something a bit more mindless for my brain to do and i remembered i have the ability to do renders#i used to do em like. A LOT around when i was 14 to 15??? like before i really started posting frequently here#and before the fibromyalgia randomly kicked in mid 2022#since then i pretty much just indulged in staying in my comfort zone www since i couldnt do much#BUT NOW THAT IM ON MEDS I SIT DOWN AND I REMEMBER I CAN RENDER🫣🫣#like ive been drawing a lot all this time regardless but render render is a whole other patience thing render is fight for life#AND I DIDNT FEEL LIKE IT TILL NOW RANDOMLY SO. WE GET A PROPER YUU RENDER#i think ive done one once but it was experimental and a simple challenge mainly based on color rather than the render part#but no no it couldnt stay that way what kind of rekinder fan am i if i havent even done a proper render of it😢#i hope this makes sense i now realize i have no idea how people would interpret the term render#and I WILL DO MORE DEFINITELY i have visions okay i have. visions#wait no i have done another rekinder render actually it was a hiroto one i posted while i was trying to do daily rekinder drawing#but that was done on a 1-2 hour limit to be started and finished the same day SO IT DONT COUNT!!!!!
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more rejuv things but its. its just this guy again, im sorry shes all i can draw
#everyday im like i wanna draw :] and then i just end up with this thing on the page#i refuse to draw hands holding. because i cannot and im too lazy to figure it out#oh yea a couple of these i havent posted before because theyre lame to me but ill put them here for now#anyways!!#i was gonna say something about a couple of these but i forgot#oh well#pokemon rejuvenation#does she. lose her ribbon in blacksteeple. i forgot#she still has it to me..#to me her c15 hair tie is a torn part of the ribbon#anyways again. yesterday i finally figured out what the rejuvrp is. very cool stuff im so incredibly intrigued by it#i have no idea whats going on! but it looks so cool ill try to read it more later.#oh right again about the rejuvrp thing. the character designs ive seen are so so so cool i want to draw them so bad#i think i have to ask about that first though and there is! no way i am going to do that!!! i do not want to bother them#and i think my heart would explode from the fear of it all before i even typed the message.#that and im very lazy! theres a very good chance i wouldnt even draw it in the first place#anyways unrelated but i think if i get another comment from someone on something i Will Actually Explode.#i see someone said something and it kills me on the daily. what is happening... thank you.. i appreciate it very much...#sorry to whoever read all of that. um. hi youre really cool and i hope you have a good day/night#i think being on twitter has done something to me i have to leave it immediately. anyways back to twitter#wait actually i should go back to playing rejuv. im still in the grove from when i first posted the gym leader melia au. im afraid to leave#also play pokemon rejuvenation no i will not stop saying that everytime i post one of these
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looked through my gallery and found these two images next to each other… w h a t in the world happened in 2k22 man
#there was also longleg in that photoset but this aint about him#w h a t happened that made me compare yujiro with iggle piggle hello??????#anyway this is just me being a waste of space and oxygen (again) as i try to preemptively empty my annoying-ness reserves#ahead of a job interview tomorrow lest i say something stupid in response to their questions#like ‘i dont have any long term goals for the next 5 years for now. but my short term goal is to make money.’#idk why i said that during my last interview but im def not getting that bread#some things will just remain a mystery ig… like the yujiro-igglepiggle comparisons that past me apparently did#maybe c-19 cooked my brain idk. though through that gallery browsing spree i realised that im like 3 years overdue for my hep-b vax booster#well. too late for that now ig~~~~~~~~~~#hmmmmmmm… maybe i should finally finish the next chapter of idol sengen tomorrow… it’s like half done anyway so…#b u t the next chapters after this one are sooooo text heavy and it’s a p a i n to deal with—#hmm. well. i’ll deal with that when the time comes ig… s i g h s#anyways that’s it for my annoying quota of the day (and hopefully tomorrow’s as well) see you for daily nagisa in a while~~~~~~
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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if you think im mean about my sister a. shes abusive and rwinger and has been bullying my whole life in spite of my trying again and again at bidding for connection with here so atp idrc bc ive tried so hard with her and shes never changes and i just cant be assed but also b. you have no idea how much im holding back for her sake.
#my moms the good person here bc she told me to cool it down about her. if she didnt say anything i'd be popping off near daily.#be thankful she pays for your house at all lil bitch. or considers you fucking at all. or thinks about you ever.#if i were her i'd drop you entirely atp. w your disrespectful entitled fucking ass.#be thankful ANYONE bothers to take care of your pets when you have your lil breakdowns. you have no fucking idea how hard it#is on people for you to do this. if you do it again on purpose knowing that imma tell them to let the dogs suffer bc its your#responsibility not theirs. and if you cant find someone to take care of them when you have issues then you need to give them tf away.#bc quite frankly? no one on this side of the family owes you jack fucking shit. be thankful you have a fucking roof over your head#bc better people than you get kicked out on the street for the most tame shit. be fucking thankful you little fucking cunt.#if you ever try some shit i will rock your fucking world. you're lucky i havent yet given what you've done to me my entire fucking life.#feel spared by me.#also again- if you think im being too harsh- you have no idea what sparked this. and i wont mention it bc the less ppl know about#the shit she pulled the better off & safer her victim is. just know that it sparked a fight response in me. not many things do#that besides people who threaten my or people i care abouts safety.
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there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.
#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what!#wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do#is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better#to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off#tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer#disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!!#but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything#and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me#and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me#so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again#I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again#I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly#what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do??#just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky?#bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen???#ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it#etc etc#I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.#and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part#these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer.#but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.
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@yuki-byeol omg i completely forgot to REPLY! thank you but i dont think that guilds are xserver ;-;
#text#itd make things easier bc idk how big black wing's eng community is not that im one for talking in guilds tho#i just want to get my dailies done in peace i dont want extras like discord#but i rather have an eng or eng friendly guild in the event someone DOES try to talk to me
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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trapdoor is such an aggressively oz song without even being an oz song it’s insane
#this is not to take away the fact that it’s a ruby song at all I swear#he’s just my fave#idk why im apologising I’ve just had discourse over this in the past#ANYWAY#every single lyric#like genuinely#not dramatic at all#/srs#a beat a step is all you need to walk away#a beat a step is all you need to fight the urge to stay#UTTERLY UNHINGED#you don’t need me anymore no you don’t see me anymore#i try my best to leave but I can’t get past the door#ABSOLUTLEY BANANAS#I try to keep the hope alive. after all the things I’ve said and done I don’t feel like the chosen one#how will they see me if I lose my faith?#YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.#THE WORDS MAY AS WELL HAVE COME STRAIGHT FROM HIS OWN MOUTH#casey lee williams the artist you are#this also brings up the fact that the amount of parallels between ruby and oz bring me to my knees on a daily basis#rwby#ozpin
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life is so good and awesome peace and love on planet earth
#my plans r that im probs gonna go shopping tomorrow bcos i need a few bits in town#need to try out sports bras n then also stock up on vitamins and see if they have a pill box w more than 2 daily compartments#plus itll b nice to walk around a bit after pretty much living in my apartment w only corner store trips for the past couple days#and then the day after that i need to go 2 my parents house bcos ill b out of ritalin and i left the rest there#and ill chill all weekend bcos my next essay isnt until the 20th so i can afford it#and then on monday morning i have a phone call w my psychiatrist (!!)#so ill probably be at my parents house for that#and then try and go back to my apartment. itd b nice to do it in the morning-ish but idk if anyone could drive me 2 the bus stop#so itll probs b in the evening#and then once im in my apartment again ill try get cracking on the essay!!!#i know my '1.5k essay in a day' skillz r likely more a response to deadlines than a skill i can enact at will#but like. ill try and enact it#one of the essay prompts is talking abt a local museum exhibit so i might go do that itd b nice to go to the museum#take the day go to the whole museum and take notes on the specific section and let myself think for a little bit#and then do the essay the next day#and then ill b fucking done for the whole summer!!!! yippee#well there'll be assorted miscellanea needs to get done but whatever. final assignment home free#yayyyyy yippee life so nice and fun. i needed this#gonna finish changing my bedsheets and then do my dishes and get myself some ice cream and then just chill!#ough hang on i can kinda feel myself crashing after my meal. tired again. goddammit. hopefully this is temporary#anyway erm yay yippee things looking up for eimear
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I was thinking since I'm still new to radical feminism, as well as just centering women more actively in my life. That I don't know a whole lot of historical women or women who were significant or even are beyond pop culture. Women who were/are breaking barriers or who have made significant change or discoveries in their fields.
In one of my art history classes, the teacher who kept gloating about being feminist rarely if ever mentioned female artists throughout history, and I remember being really frustrated when she mentioned two female artists who against all odds were allowed into the best school in the world at the time of the neoclassical era, and all she did was show us the paintings these women did AS TEENAGERS! Not even the height of their career, nothing about how women at the time weren't allowed in for excuse that they'd faint if they saw a naked male model since female nude models weren't allowed at the academy due to female models being lesser and the lack of prestige that came with hiring them (many were also prostitutes as well) or how my brother in his history of mathematics class got glossed over the female mathematician Hypatia, who recovered and held onto the last remaining knowledge of the Library of Alexandria, and reformed and improved upon astronomy during her time, and the only thing they discussed of her was how she was ripped apart by a mob of men claiming she was a witch, even then she gave her son that knowledge to bring back to the people. My brother was also frustrated that her life was glossed over to instead quickly say "man men suck, glad to know feminism fixed everything" and just move on.
One of my favourite things that being involved in radical feminism online for me has been getting to actually know these women beyond footnotes in a history overflowing with male accomplishment and biography. That there's a focus on women, and what we can do and have done. And, after seeing a lot of that, I really realised that I haven't done much to actively learn about history or the significant women within it, and being exposed to it made me excited to do so.
So in a mark to improve my knowledge and a step to more actively centering and supporting women which I'm still new to any activism, I'm going to be dedicating every Wednesday to posting about one woman or a group of women in the past or present (but mostly past historical figures, even recent past) who have been historically significant, made change in their community or world at large, and made waves for women to propel forward. I'm calling it Women's Wednesday, and am excited to start learning! If anyone who sees this post has an amazing woman in history, from any country, any history, anywhere they'd like to tell me about I'd love to look them up and dedicate my time to learn about them!
#women's wednesday#radfem#radblr#baby radfem#women#history#women's history#i do struggle with periodic posting#but im going to try my best and make this a goal to help get better with daily or weekly scheduled things as well#if i learn about a woman from another radfem post ill add that in#im thinking i will anyways#i think its important to credit at least where i initially heard it from#i know a lot fo radfems here do already post about historical women on here to raise awareness#i just wanted to have a fun little day dedicated to it#i apppreciate what the community has done for me
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#GIRL THIS IS TWO DAYS IN A ROW#WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING POKEMON GO AROUND 3-4AM AND KNOCKING MY FULLY HEALED 3K CP POKEMON OUT OF GYMS?#WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUUUU#GET A FUCKING LIFEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭#like lowkey ty ig bc i have coins for remote raid pass if i need it (do dialga/palkia start today idk bc#half the “tips for into the wild”/pokemon go nov are like. palk/dial are 18 and onwards#but half r like. theyre only on their raid hour days. like huh which one is it)#ig ill see it today but graaghgh i really have to wake up earlier so i can go outside and play!!!!!#but also cold. and i dont wanna keep walking in and out of the mall like a weirdo. but i dont wanna sit in the same spot for hours either.#ive done both. both feel weird :/#but also! zamazenta is almost best buddies w me :D i got zacian and apparently i didnt use the buddy system well before bc.#zacian is my first best buddy... which is cute!!! i love shiny zacian! and zamazenta!!! my lovely shiny doggos :)#anyway i went off topic umm#excited to try gigantamax again w slightly better dmax pokemon... torn that i didnt get kanto starters OR gengy but its ok it is what it is#oh my god the first raid is at 6am and im awake to see what the pokemon is 💀 OKAY#IMA FUCKING IDIOT I LEVELED UP MY DMAX EXCADRIL BUT ITS GOT A FUCKING STEEL Q ATK? FUCK#I USED MY LAST Q ATK TM ON SOMETHING ELSE LITERALLY MINUTES BEFORE I SAW THIS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ME#44597#OH SHIT IT WAS TAPU KOKO BUT ALL OF THEM R SPAWNING WTF#GIRL im so tempted to remote raid a dialga RIGHT NOW. very bad decision but I WANT.... but if i go out tmr or today ill probs get it...#BUT I WANT IT RN 😭😭#caved and got myself a dialga remote raid but. ok ivs. not shiny. no legacy move.. 2.8k base w the weather tho ok damn#i do have a charged tm.. but i might run it back like w origin giratina and try to get a bunch...#difference is i dont have coins stacked rn and i just used em on remote but i do have 2 daily and 6 premium soooo...#hopefully one will have really good ivs and legacy move!!! shiny isnt that pretty but its bragging rights 🤷♀️#want the legacy move and candy tho 🤔
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#today is hard for NO REASON#all i have to do is enter some debits for work#and then do dishes#and then. just. sort. the. laundry. and. take. it. downstairs. to the washing machine. but it is SO HARD#why am i like this??#the laundry has been sitting there for three more days than necessary#my partner is at work all day so i want the place to look nice for them but urghhhh do i not love them enough to just get shit done? is tha#what this is?#delete later#my partner also noticed i have scheduled daily breakdowns if i don't go places (between 4-6pm) and i think i dissociated OUT of my own shee#embarrassment#ennui#i also want to write for novel month but everything . fucking. sucks. in college i had so many fun ideas and stories i wanted to tell but#now i am scratching together what meager thoughts i have together to try to make something anything before i get too old to write a novel#and end up feeling more depressed about myself and my lack of accomplishments#my siblings are doing way better than me and im like fdjkfjdlfjds barely employed
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#sometimes i forget that . i am not immume to my.good things corrupting me#this is embarrassing sctuslly ..getting fuckign Anxious over a venus kazimi like.#dawg calm down oh my.god . ur gonna be fine. everything.sill be fine lol#for the greater good (my mental health)#but my god ppl om the internet know how to word things that do infact trigger me#n i can never tellcif i am being sensitive or not n i so infact .#it doesnt matter n yet . im crippling in fear over this shit ONCE again. for the rexord#i have bren doing my best toclike stay off the internet . it was doing my head in#but . anyeay whatever. its fjne im having a bad day apparently#n im staying home for wtv reason like . i wanna go out but im just .#i wanna try n save this money n get my cwllo fixed .#its the one thinf on my list im desperate tovget done#bc everything else will fsll into place after that . bc ill have something else i dnjoy to do w my time#n atm i want nothing more thsn tovjust practice . fuck the sheet music in tbe othet stuff i gotta organise#im . yea sorry .#WAITT my sister got a ptinter . i can print the sheet music i have ready to go.#besides im sure if i look hard enough i can find . my folder w my ensemblr worm#i have thought abt conquistador daily btw . she was so fun tocplay ah :(#n going out also means . Not e tirely sure if ill b awake before 1pm . bc this placr closes at like 2.#so . i do have to go to bed realtively early if i wanna do this . n i do. im biting thr bullet#im impuslivd but not when itll benefit me. go figure. anyway. i have just enough. ill be Fine .#worst case . my dad has these awful tailors i can chop up#and he can also buy my grocrties this week 👩🦯#worst case . i fkgure itnout somehow. i always do but . i gotta bite the bulley on this i cannot do this anymore#i need something else to occupy my time. n this is the one thinf i knoe for sure will be worth the investment#bc if not. i can literally just Sell it for like $300 (if its worth rven That lol)#like shes a good cello but damn shes dinged up and xhipped. im not paying for that to b fixed#it adds character.
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Oh yeah..... midnight gospel be hitting.... sitting in my bed fuckin. Crying. Get a grip girl
#Its the trudy ep which is actually the episode that made me keep watching#I love love love this episode.....#Something about how.......... idk.... its a very profound ep that I can't explain and it's a nice cry#This ep kind of shaped my outlook on life especially after finding out about my friend dying#All the regrets and things left unsaid.... I make my peace daily by being really straight up#If I love and care about ppl I tell them... I say they are appreciated and cared for man#I am always thankful for people and I *love* people as a whole#And as long as the people around me intrinsically know that they are loved and cared for and cherished.... like that's it#That's the end game truly#I will never ever be sorry for that. This was THEEEE episode.#There's a lot of nuance behind my feelings best described by revolutionary girl utena#But still. I'm deep enough in my tags bc I'm crying over my s/o but not in a bad way#Fml I am so grateful to him as just an entity. As a person in my life even if our lives only intersect for this brief period of time#He hasn't been texting me much and we didn't talk much at work and I didn't even get a goodbye (rude lol)#But I know he was having a rough day. I know he needs a bit of tlc.#He could be on a downswing because I am certainly on an upswing#So I'm kind of like trying to focus on doing my own thing rn without worrying about it#Because I can't do anything about it so I might as well continue My Thang#But as I sometimes come to terms with us never talking again (gotta be prepared at all times to be ghosted)#I also come back to terms with needing him to really understand#how many people in his life depend on love cherish and admire him#And im not just talking about me... he has a lot of siblings and a not great mom. Two kids he loves.#He has always taken care of everyone else in his life#He deserves to really know and idk. It makes me think of this moment.#Realizing how much I dont ever want to question if he knows#I don't want to question if I could've done more or tried harder etc. I did my very best and didn't lie cheat steal or whatever#I am so grateful to him for letting me have that. Even if nothing can come from it in the end#Even if we should be torn apart!!!! Take my revolution!!!#Anyways. Here's wonderwall#Banger of an episode. Worth the rewatch
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