#im just spiralling

[teazzle]

laying here, with my second? covid infection, mourning my life. watching instagram videos of people in crowds at festivals packed in right together and thinking about how I'll never be comfortable enough to do that. i went to two restaurants last weekend and now i have covid so im like??? am i going to stop going to restaurants?? i dont know what the rest of my life is going to be like if im too conscious of covid to go where people are. am i never going to meet new people now

[inkskinned]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.

[kenchann]

teased 🎃⚡

[pigeons-with-jello]

No one talks about how michael shelley was angry. no one talks about how michael distortion was murderous. helen barely got that bad and she was the distortion during the apocalypse. michael was quiet with his anger but it ran free when he had the power to hurt people. he wanted to, somewhere deep down. that is before we get to the revenge aspect. he never grew out of his thirst for revenge towards the archives and the institute and gertrude more than anything, the one he trusted and loved like a parent who abandoned him, left him for bait. michael wanted someone dead for his pain, he wanted to hurt someone like he had been hurt.

[ofswordsandpens]

thinking about a world in which RR actually committed to the path he set Percy on in hoo (wherein Percy has become jaded, angry, and resentful at the gods for breaking their sworn promises, is frequently sympathizing with Luke, is getting more and more powerful, and frequently losing himself to wrath) and instead of the subsequent Percy Jackson books being about getting recommendation letters, we could have gotten a trilogy exploring a fallen hero arc for Percy (that would ultimately have a positive resolution to it.)

[redbirdbella]

"Did that jog your memory?"

"Maybe- a little" Clint starts rubbing the back of his neck "I didn't kill the widow back in Budapest. The woman in the file was her handler. She was dead by the time I touched down, widow got her. The widow wanted to be free- after all the red room put her through I just couldn't kill her."

"So why the debt?"

"I made have um- aided in her liberation from Budapest and the er- red room"

"The explosion?"

"Me. They sent a drone after her- they wanted her back. Wanted to brain wash her"

"Why'd you help her?"

Clint winces folding his arms across his chest, "I knew her from before- She's a friend or was. The red room- they're who you want. I can speak to her, get her to stop- to leave Barney. just don't kill her"

I Can't sleep so here's another Clintasha origins story...

"Sorry, I'm late" Maria starts, dumping the case file against the glass table that stretched before Clint "We got another one- This time 65th Street East Chicago - people trafficker"

She slides the case file down to Clint before gathering herself.

"Another one" Clint whistles low, "You figure out who it is yet?"

"We have our suspicions"

"What? someone befriend the neighbourhoods biggest cat- fuck in that situation I'd rather a cat, feathers are nothing compared to the blood stains-" he flicks through the photos absentmindedly "ain't nothing getting that one out"

Maria sighs leaning back in the way that reminded Clint of his unreasonably strict kindergarten teacher "If I said the words Budapest and Debt, Barton. Would that mean anything to you?"

"Budapest is the capital of Hungry. Decent food, pretty buildings with all the joys of European weather" Clint replies suddenly closing the file.

"And the debt" Maria prompts

"Listen Maria if you just tell me who I need to pay- being stationed in an active war zone really depletes your cash flow"

He's rambling now. He knows he is, somethings should stay buried.

"We think they have declared their next target" Maria says smiling as she stands - conversation over, "A small-time weapons dealer out of Iowa, a er- Mr Barney Barton"

Clint sighs, some people just don't know how to stay dead.

"Maria wait-"

[souporsaladnatural]

Not to be a Jackles defender bc I am not going to be a keyboard warrior for the rich actor man or claim to know what goes on in his head, but I truly don't understand people being actually mad about jackles dodging talking about Dean's feelings regarding Cas' confession. Like yes, you can read it as "Jackles doesn't think Dean reciprocates and is just trying to fence ride about it and not make anyone mad" but also like. guys. the man so OBVIOUSLY wants another season of supernatural to continue deans story. and there's been so much talk about it recently.

If he really does think Dean reciprocates, why the fuck would he spoil it at a random con?? Why would he spoil what could be a major plot point in the revival? Or make a promise about it that he may not be able to keep due to network interference? He told us that Dean KNOWS what Cas' confession was, and that his love for Dean was TEXT not subtext. He told us that CAS' feelings don't need to be resolved. Idk about you guys but this... it's not a nothing answer to me. It's carefully worded and thought out. To me, these are some pretty big pieces of what, for Jackles, a continuation of their story would look like. He's not closing the door, he's keeping it open

[chloesimaginationthings]

I LOVE THE WAY YOU DREW TIGER ROCK PLUSH...... hes so cheshire cat and i love him so much..... talesgames confirmation..save me talesgames confirmation..

HES JUST A LIL GOOBER FR…

[mohntilyet]

my initial knee jerk reaction to lucanis/spite saying "family, enemies, contracts" was bad because it felt like an oversimplification but actually thinking on it i really love that lucanis forces himself into this box to make things make sense in his life. family is unconditional, enemies are to be killed, but contracts is so. interesting... man who promises mila that he will find her father because he does not fail contracts. the same man who tells effe that he will kill her slaver because he needs to turn her from a poor young woman that he sympathises with, into someone he can make a deal with. it's not kindness, it's not weakness, he's just fulfilling a contract, and crows don't break contracts. if he kills a bunch of racist blood mages during that process, then he's not breaking the rules, just bending them. a very convenient excuse to be a good man while still being a crow and assassin. and of course when spite is forced into him, he gets out of it with something familiar! by making another deal! something he could work with, something he HAS to work with, because being just an abomination is unthinkable. if he can work himself out of this problem like he's done with every other contract in his life, in his mind maybe there's some tiny chance that this becomes another job that he can claw his life back from.

[caeliflammae]

anne rice said "erotica", the fans said "oh hm this is horror and abuse! let's turn this into a deeply upsetting character study about how abuse can create cruel people who perpetuate cycles."

iwtv (2022) writers said "this is a literal fucking saw trap" the fans said "but what if they were in love <3"

[bunnieswithknives]

RAHHHh ok comics done I can post this now!!! He is having the worst possible time

[5051704xoxo]

sorry, i might disappear from time to time but so does my will to live

[c4tspl4sh]

look at my doctors bro im gonna fucking die

[daiwild]

Wonder Girl V3:

But as mad as I was at Hercules for pulling that crap... I wasn't... I mean, I should've been... I could've been wrecked that it wasn't Conner, that he was still... gone. But... look at me, I'm not a big mess...

Meanwhile:

Tim beating up Dick in the back of a Waffle House just to get some Lazarus Pit Juice so he can revive his dead best friend

[maliciousalice]

Blood on your hands.

Idea was made by @baylardo. She provided a little scribble and I messed with it.

[tojisun]

i genuinely cant develop this further but simon fucks you so good and so hard and so much (it lasts for many hours) before every mission because hes scared that this is his last time he’ll get to fuck you. it’s all inadvertent when he got you addicted to his cock and his love-making because, to be honest, these sessions are more for him than for you. his grunts and his pleasured rumbles and his dirty talk? theyre not to make you dizzy with pleasure, theyre to make him cum. he gets so lost in his own euphoria that its truly but an added bonus that you cum with him.

he doesn’t tell you this though