#im just sick of waking up every day
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#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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day 3 of approx 4hrs of sleep per night lessgo
#this is like when i had just started 11th#and i would sleep just 4 or maximum 5 hours every night#and i did this for 3 months#and i kept getting sick much more often than usual but ignored it#and finally got terribly sick with a fever that just would not go#and then i slept for 3 whole days straight#only waking up to eat#3 whole days#and then i was not sick anymore in fact that was the first time in months i felt lucid#it was like a factory reset 💀#im gonna need to do this all over again at the end of this cursed exam season
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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FINALLY woke up on my alarm today instead of waking up an hour earlier and spending half an hour rolling over in my bed like a rotisserie chicken while falling asleep and waking up in like 3 minute intervals over and over again
#mine#been doing the latter for like a couple weeks at this point pretty much every day and im sick of ittttt#so annoying just sleep normally#i actually hate waking up on my alarm but in this case it was a good thing#i was so tired yesterday lol#anyway. maybe this will reset my sleep and i can sleep normally again god willing
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june 27th give it up for june 27th
#purrs#delete later#sure would be an INFINITELY more special and auspicious day if there wasn’t going to be • thunderstorms all day • a budget meeting • two#back to back orientations where i am going to have to take on 2X THE FACILITATION ROLESSSSS 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 bc we’re doing that now. LMFAOOOOOO#<- and by that i mean splitting up the facilitation so instead of 4 ppl shari ng responsibility for talking AND doing logistics there’s 2#ppl talking and 2 ppl doing logistics. and mutuals need i remind you that facilitating this specific session requires being extremely high#energy and mobile and getting ppl ‘hyped’ and there are 383729473 reasons why that is difficult for me to do in front of 100+ new students#plus three cofacilirators i am scared of / intimidated by for various reasons. im going to be sick soooo genuinely. i HATE this 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣#anyways yeah. today is my one year anniversary and also my first day as an fte so. 🫠 and one year ago today was pretty awful too like my#first day was actually extremely extremely bad and i cried like multiple times every day that week bc it kept getting worse so. love how#things have changed so substantially since then and the things that triggered me on that day aren’t an issue anymore <3 (they are very much#still an issue it’s just the specific people involved have changed bc half the ppl working here including one of my dearest closest#mentors who was deeply involved in that situation have left the university and now it is utterly unrecognizable and every day i wake up in#an alternate universe i know deep down i am not supposed to be in and yet im trapped in it irreversibly and this IS my universe now. lolll 🥰#)) also ik it’s stupid to still be grieving over this but like. the entire way it all went down + the fact that it even did in the first#place and the STAGGGERING consequences of it. are kind of insane. every new development makes me feel more and more like im living in a fake#reality and nothing that is happening is supposed to be happening and im dreaming it all but it’s a bad dream. and idk how to accept#that this is NOT. a dream and that what happened happened and now i have to live with it and stop curling in on myself like a prey animal an#and isolating myself from everyone i love and taking every single conceivable situation badly. like tfw da therapy isn’t working 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#anyways i need to go get ready and practice the fucking 16 page facilitation guide 🙄 see u on the other side lol
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#it’s a lovely day im in a lovely mood all is well but I had a passing thought i just needed to get out…you know unleash it<3#it’s really mind boggling to me how ignorant and gross ppl can be like just straight up evil just bc of where someone’s from or skin color#that superiority complex is one hell of a disease. saw someone mention how they ‘hate AA more than anything’…like you’re sick truly😭#along w ppl denying racism denying how every aspect of this game (n life!!) will favor you if you’re white. like wake tf up#I can just see it. ppl like this are miserable n just dark. they aren’t fulfilled by life and most likely never will be#so they make it everyone else’s problem. this is jumbled n messy but I see things and genuinely get taken aback bc SURELY#the gears in your head didn’t conjure this up?? surely they didn’t. it’s hard for me to wrap my head around#BUT like I said…passing thoughts…be easy muito beijos🫂🫶🏽😚
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So it's gonna be one of those days huh, brain?
#im so mean and ugly#who wants to be seen with a skinny white bitch anyways#my eyes are so boring my hair is so boring and mu personality is blander than a piece of bread#its no wonder my only friends offline are family memebers who are obligated to see me and talk to me#even then i could just not leave the house ever and no one would even notice#why cant the ground open up and swallow me whoke#id rather die than live this life and yet every day i wake up and have to live it and im getting real sick of it#im off. gonna do something irrational
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realized that literalllllyyyyyyyy nothing & i mean NOTHING will change in my life until i get sober. like nothing. i didn’t realize i could get even worse but i did because i lack discipline and am incredibly hedonistic Lol i just cannot be a cute one glass of wine girl or one drink at the club, once it’s in my system i’m drinking until i can’t see it’s BAD!! like girl stop kidding yourself.....i’ll never wake up in the morning and do yoga or read my book or take the dogs for a walk &on&on&on&on if i’m hungover (pretty much) every day now!!! and i cannot build routine this way, at all, which i’ve been craving for so long!!!! it is also difficult because i’m not so sure i’ll be able to maintain the majority of my friendships sans alcohol as sad as that sounds (it’s very sad) because i don’t have any super close friendships in my life anymore that aren’t based around getting drunk together for the most part. but it’s okay it’s all for the best but i’m sick of the constant promise breaking and living in a forever hazy fog i want to feel fresh and clear and alert it’s simply not worth it to me anymore like i’m so serious not a damn thing in my life can be accomplished until i put my foot down w/ myself. MORE LIFE...!
#i feel like im being very dramatic but bitch this shit is SERIOUS!! i’m sick of my loser noncommittal behavior#i am my own jobless cheating lying stealing boyfriend#is how it feels every day that i wake up hungover#also i literally cannot raise this puppy with alcohol in my life which turns this into a: Ok keep drinking or rehome your new puppy#situation#which....no#apple is the straw that broke the camels back#now i just gotta be very real with myself and stick to it#i’ve said this even on here so many times but i really can’t break this promise to myself again i just can’t#addiction ain’t no joke baby!!!!#m
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im not like mad that i came to busan with jenni, i'm glad i came, but i also should have planned to go home at like 11 am bc im so fucking tired and i am feeling so sick
#WHY do i get sick every 2 weeks. because children snot on me all day every day thats why.#i want my bed i want my shower i want my bed.#i hate going places i hate traveling i NEVER sleep well and then i just feel like SHIT i hate it#jenni and i were both zombies today but we didnt even wake up that early it just sucks to sleep in Not Your Bed and its HOT#and neither of us had anything Planned we wanted to see or do so we were just wandering.#maybe im just bad at traveling. maybe if i made plans i would enjoy it more. maybe if i were stricter about my sleeping needs.#i just wanna go home 😭#t
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#ive been studying for this exam for a month now and im losing my fucking mind#i go to bed thinking about beta oxidation i wake up thinking about heme biosynthesis this has taken over my life#IM SO SICK OF THIS and theres still 5 days to go which simultaniously feels like too little and way too much time left#like i really need the time for studying but every hour i spend studying drives me a little closer to the edge#i can feel a major breakdown coming up aaaaahhhhhhh biochemistry my enemy eternal just behind analytical chemistry#nothing can top analytical chemistry in terms of evilness
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I can think of barely anything more soul-crushing than finally getting the ok to work on smth for money (transcription) despite knowing it is not something im good at (bc i Cannot fucking Hear without video or transcripts) and then sitting in a work queue for 16 hours across 2 days, actually doing work for an hour and a half so it was almost 18 hours total, and then getting paid only for the audio time i did transcripts for
so i made ~$3.50 for that hour and a half, and could do functionally very little for the other 16 hours
and they might decide there are too many errors to pay me for so idek if i made that much hahahahahaaa
#at least I've been able to put in other job applications and tune up my resume while in queue#but this is. bad lmao. im so fucking tired. every day i wake up and work on finding a job until im too tired to continue#and then i either play games for a little while until i pass out...or i just pass out.#it's not like im totally unskilled either but i just. cannot fucking hear. and that rules out like 9/10ths of remote jobs#and the rest is like. engineer w 4 year degree or whatever.#im so bitter i wish i could make phone calls bc then i would be Fine#but nooo i cant FUCKING hear people. and its not technically hearing loss. its auditory processing. so no accomodations lol#stirring up trouble#i feel sick to my stomach
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im not very knowledgeable about politics and i been wrong about a Lot in my life in regards to it but i don’t think it’s right to label criticism and anger towards the united states’ absolute joke of a left wing party as “fascist propaganda” like, i think that’s really fucking stupid
#we have had record voter turn out like. for every election since trump made people wake up a little#and we are Still in a full fascist swing like#im so sick of the Vote Choir at this point because CLEARLY we need MORE#yall are wasting Time Energy and Resources on the Voting Choir#and no im not some russian psyop or secret fascist because i dont forget the usa has been fascist since day one#and you Cannot vote fascism out of the united states#because its the foundation of this country. i promise that our centrist party isnt going to change that#anyway im just mad dont argue w me. i voted for biden and other dems ok that should satiate vote blue no matter who nerds.#i mean thats all we needed right?#txt
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#tw animal death#one of my rats is sick and im not doing well about it#i think he has an upper respiratory infection and its bad#i made a vet appointment but if im being honest i dont think hes gonna make it that long#and thres no emergency vet for exotics near me#his breathing sounds painful and its so hard to listen to#and hes not eating or drinking. ive tried hand feeding and watering him. he just wont accept it#today i picked him up. and normally he fights being picked up. but today he just let it happen#he let me cuddle him for half an hour. normally when hes out of his cage he doesnt stop moving#he only sits in his hammock. and it's so hard to see him pass like this#im trying to give him the best time that i can. ive been trying to feed him his favorite snack (goldfish crackers) and let him out often#i love him so much and ive only had him for six months and thats just not enough#i got him from a friend and im dreading having to tell her that he died#hes my little baby. when i picked him up today i gave him kisses and just kept saying 'i love you. youre my baby' over and over#watching him die is killing me. ive cried every day since he got sick. even broke down at work because#i didnt want to be away from him that long. every day i come back from work or wake up and im afraid hes gone#its 5am and i dont want to sleep because checking on him every morning is terrifying#i love him so much and dont want to live without him (or my other little babies) but i can feel the day coming#i just hope he had a good few months with me and knows how much i love him#edit: i can hear all his breathing but then all of a sudden i cant hear him anymore. and its happened a couple of times#I'm scared that tonight's the night. and i want to hold him for the last little bit. but he doesnt like to be held#he likes his hammock. so if hes passing then i want him to be comfy. i just dont want to lose him#i keep checking on him every time i cant hear his breathing. im afraid hes gone. this is so fucking hard#its past 6am but i cant stand the thought of not being there if something happens. i just love him so much
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when you apply for animation programs there should be a disclaimer saying "youre going to have to work 12 hour days every day just to get a project done on time" with a therapists number underneath
#im genuinely drained of my energy and will to get through this semester and its only the third week#lord in heaven give me strength im being so serious at this point i need divine intervention#my design teacher got a bad stomach flu so maybe god has stepped in already actually#im just feeling really tired and kind of hopeless#and im trying really hard not to fall into certain types of thinking bc ive done that before and its not healthy for me#but when you wake up every day knowing youve got 12 hours of work ahead of you you just. shut down a little bit i think#animation programs pride themselves on being difficult and stressful but like why does it have to be that way#make due dates more flexible make it easier to contact professors make sick days easier to get lessen the workload
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I am so fucking tired. Is it just me, or is it weird just how much I, someone who just turned 16, am expected to do and like... be okay with.
I have to deal with school for 8 hours a day, I have to go home and do my fcking chores, and then I have to figure out what the axis of symmetry on like twenty parabolas is, AND THEN I have to study for like 3 hours so I don't fucking fail my exams, and then with what little time I have left to do anything I'm supposed to not be tired and spend my free time accordingly, and then I have to go to sleep at a "reasonable time" even though I don't want to and also the time when I should be sleeping is arguably MY ONLY ACTUAL FREE TIME IN THE DAY, and then I'm just expected to DO IT ALL OVER THE NEXT DAY AND BE PERFECTLY OKAY WITH IT.
Existing is such a sisyphean task, and like you can't just STOP rolling the boulder up the hill, and people are just okay with this and say shit like "you'll appreciate it when you're older" the only time I'll appreciate school is when I finally leave, I'll appreciate the fact that it's OVER.
#im so sick of people not taking me seriously#im genuinely tired and every fucking day is like a nightmare and it feels like all i have to look forward to is going home#its like a 9 to 5 for teenagers#is this just how my life is? really?#im supposed to just live like this for two more years#this is bullshit and also rigged#life is rigged#you know i really just wanna sleep rn like genuinely#but i cant cause i have THREE HOURS OF STUDYING TO DO#so i can go to sleep ONE HOUR BEFORE I HAVE TO WAKE UP then get up tired and go to school tired#and then come home tired and then go to sleep an hour before i have to wake up tired again#school#personal
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#i feel like shit since waking up lol#cant tell if its because im sick‚ if its bc i forgot to take my meds for the past 2 days#or if its bc ive been isolating myself since like. early november and the loneliness is starting to hit#sometimes i just wish i was normal lol i wish it wasnt so fucking hard to just. interact with people#i wish i could be normal about my interests and not be fucking annoying every time i get a new hyperfixation
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