#im just really really tired and lonely and depressed and done

[doctor-who-war-doctor]

Finding out your closest friends that live near you don't respect your needs and probably yourself is always really fun to learn! Like definitely not a gut punch at all guys!!

[interludebloom]

everytime i plan to see someone and socialise i'm like ok. i have next to zero capicity to lead a conversation or even keep it going right now. i wing it and hope the others don't realise this. and it's been like that since my mom passed

[victory-cookies]

I! Fucking! Hate! Uni!

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: SH and su!c!de

[phagodyke]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[birbtails]

.

[zombiigrll]

LONELY ⋆｡°✩ carl grimes x reader .ᐟ WORD COUNT .ᐟ ⭑ 1061 ꩜ .ᐟ WARNINGS ⭑ angst to fluff, swearing, depressed/traumatized reader, reader is glenn and maggies adoptive child, intended lowercase, the walking dead 7x1 spoilers, death mentions, lack of eating, suicidal thoughts, use of y/n .ᐟ A/N .ᐟ ⭑ hi! this is my first time writing and posting anything on tumblr so im sorry if its not the best </3 ive never really done oneshots before either so i dont really know what im doing LMAO hope you still enjoy!

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it was supposed to be an easy run. get maggie to the hilltop and get her help, that's all it was supposed to be. but, of course, nothing could ever be that easy. not for you. the last thing you expected to see, however, was your father-figure getting his skull beaten in, and almost having to witness your boyfriend getting his arm chopped off. you were distressed. you couldn't function properly. you had already lost your family once before at the beginning of the outbreak, and all of those same feelings came back after losing glenn. he had been there for you since the start, saving you from dying with your family. and now he was gone and there was nothing you could do.

you had fallen into a deep depression, similar to the one you had before. you locked yourself in your room, not eating, not drinking, occasionally getting up to use the restroom, but other than that, you were bedridden. you hadn't even changed your clothes from that night. the clothes that were stained in glenns blood. hell, even his blood remained dried across your face. you felt as lonely as ever, but at the same time, you knew you weren't. because every single day you heard knocks at your door. it was carl.

"y/n, please. just open the door. i can help you." he desperately spoke from the other side of the door.

you felt like shit for making him continue to come to your door everyday just for you to stubbornly remain in your room, but it felt like nothing mattered anyways. eventually, he'd give up, right? that's what you thought. "go away." you mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. "just open the door. please." he begged again. he understood your struggles. he was aware of why you were acting this way, and he couldn't blame you. he knew how it felt to lose family members and people close to him. unfortunately enough for him, you stayed where you were, not opening the door for him yet again. but after almost a week had passed, he began getting more worried. he begged at your door for you to open it, he tried opening it himself but you had locked the door, blocking it as well so no one could enter. you didn't care. you were isolating yourself, barely sleeping. the only times you slept were when you cried so hard you fell asleep. you felt miserable. you were giving up on everything, hoping one day it'd all just end and you wouldn't have to worry anymore. you wouldn't have to worry about anyone else dying, because you'd be with them. no more funerals, no more fighting for your life... you laid awake on your bed, tears silently falling from your eyes as you stared blankly at your ceiling, those terrible thoughts swirling through your brain. but this night was different. you had opened your window, which carl took as the perfect opportunity. he was tired of not being able to help you due to your stubbornness, so he decided to crawl through your window. *thump!*

you quickly jolted up at the sound, staring at carl who was slowly sitting back up after not-so-gracefully falling into your room. he grabbed his hat and placed it back on top of his head before looking over at you. you stared at him with tears glazing over your eyes, your face scrunching up as you brought a hand to your mouth. "i..." you were speechless. your emotions got the better of you and you began sobbing. he quickly walked over to you, cupping your face with his hands as he looked down at you sympathetically. "don't cry..." he softly spoke, but his eyes quickly noticed the dried blood that was still on your face. "y/n..." "i-i'm s.. sorry." you sobbed, averting your eyes as you crossed your arms around your waist. he shook his head as he softly acknowledged your beat-up appearance, moving your arms from covering your waist as he pulled you in for a big hug. "don't be sorry."

you quickly returned the hug, squeezing him tightly as you sobbed into his chest. he broke from the hug, looking back down at you and your bloodstained clothes. "let's go get you cleaned up, yeah?"

you silently nodded. he helped you stand up and you almost fell over, but he quickly caught you. "...let's get you something to eat, too." ... the two of your were now in the bathroom. he helped you sit down on the seat of the toilet before grabbing a rag, getting it wet before walking back over to you. "this is gonna be really cold." he smiled warmly, slowly bringing the rag up to your face and wiping the blood off. you flinched slightly at the touch. as he's cleaning your face, his face turns a bit perplexed. "why... why didn't you open the door?"

you avert your eyes to the ground as you begin messing with your hands. "i just wanted to be alone, i don't know." carl looks at you with a bit of a somber gaze before continuing to clean you up. "i'm sorry for breaking in. i was worried about you. just... please, don't do that again. if you ever need help, i'm here. you know that, right?" "i know..." you looked up at him. "i didn't want you to see me like this. i..." you began tearing up again as you spoke. he quickly sets the rag down and puts both his hands on your cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe away your tears. "i know, i know. it's okay." shortly after, he pulled you in for a quick kiss, his hands remaining on your face as he pulled away. he uses one of his hands to wipe away the stray strands of hair over your face, tucking them behind your ear. "you're so pretty. you know that, right?" he smiled warmly. "i love you." you laughed with a smile, a tear rolling down your cheek. "i love you, too." "let's go get you some new clothes, okay? and some food. i'll make you whatever you want." carl asks, grabbing both your hands. you nod, standing up in sync with him as you followed him back to the room. god, you were so lucky to have him. ─────────────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────────────────

[pixieskie]

˖˚˳⊹"i really do love you.. im sorry"˖˚˳⊹

-warnings: Angst, depress!on, su!c!dal thoughts, detachment, scars, body dysmorphia, disassociation, not proofread, chubby reader. -chars mentioned: Scaramouche -wc: 0.6k -a/n: i dont even know what to say.. Um this is .. something.. enjoy?

masterlist

as someone who felt every emotion more intense than others, it also meant feeling more sad. it should've been fine but you simply couldn't feel happy.. you have friends and family but still felt so lonely..

“helloooo” scaramouche waved his hand infront of your face to get your attention.

Suddenly looking up, you see him frowning at you. “what’re you thinking so hard about.. do you not wanna watch the movie?”

“sorry.. i just spaced out” you said embarrassed.. “just continue the movie, ill pay attention this time”.. Scara simply muttered a small ‘fine’ and resumed it.

Scaramouche is your best friend, the one you share everything with. But.. he could never understand the depth of your emotions.. The void you feel inside.. The aching loneliness that consumes you at every moment.

“Yes lets go to the beach!! itll be perf....”

“ooh i just bought a new bikini…..”

“wont it be too sunny? ill get tanne….”

you drowned out their conversation and thought of excuses to skip… you had no other choice.. a bikini wouldn't cover your scars, stretch marks or tummy fat.. it would be on display for everyone to see your insecurities and then they'd hate you.

“guys im sorry but i have to study this weekend.. exams are close”

“again? but didnt you say the same last week…”

“oh come on! itll be so fun…”

“ugh she does the same everytime…”

Ofcourse they wouldn't understand.. They had the perfect body..

The words were blurred as you tried to read them.. Nothing made sense to you anymore.. Your exams were near and you have to study but the words together don't make sense anymore..

Sighing, you went to splash some water on your face to wake yourself up. Looking up into the mirror, you saw failure.. Someone who cant study.. Someone who wouldnt be able to make a living..

You sat back down at your desk.. You can study and change your future right? its just a book..

But.. you cant make yourself read the words anymore.. you felt so tired..

Why cant you also be like others?.. Everyone else is so successful and perfect.. They have good grades, perfect body and happy lives..

You sat on the edge of the roof.. This used to be your hang out spot with Scara but eventually you both stopped meeting there.

“where the fuc- YOURE HERE?” Scara dramatically sighed, huffing. “Ive been searching all over for you. Come on, ive made dinner.. you have to eat something”

You chucked softly at his caring nature and nodded silently.. “Scara?” he was about to leave but turned back to look at you “yeah?”

“I love you”

He chuckled in confusion “yeah yeah i get it, i love you too. no need to get all sentimental with me, its just dinner.”

You turned back to the sky once he left. He probably went to your kitchen to fill a plate for you..

You smiled at the thought. He was the best person you could've asked for..

And it hurts. He cared for you so much but you couldn't appreciate it..

Leaving never had to be this painful.. But a tear fell down and you closed your eyes, recounting your memories..

There were so many happy moments you never got to enjoy.. Sad moments you stayed numb.. And the huge gap in your memory.. and nobody knew how you felt because you never let them.

‘Im so tired… Im so tired..” You looked at your feet, dangling off the roof.. ‘i hate this .. i dont wanna do this.. but theres nothing else to be done’

You took a deep breath in.. “i really do love you.. im sorry”...

…..

tags: @rubywonu @stygianoir @unsavoy-melon @kashiiwi @babbledabble25

[catbountry]

Speaking as Straight White Male it is beyond tiring to see every minor viral social media post turn into justification for "actually this is why men are radicalized!" Like im sorry they thought the Bear was a safer option, im sorry that poisoned MnMs was something that hurt your feelings and so on but holy shit get some perspective. i had my little "Not all men!" phase too bu i was 19 or something. learn empathy, learn that "Men" is a demographic and not you personally. it always feels like some flavor of a lack of reading comprehension, like that time when there was that thing where there was a thing of people thinking toxic masculinity meant that all masculinity is toxic.

it seems so unreasonable to say "the way to stop white men from radicalization is for women and other minorities to take them by the hand and ask them to nicely consider them people" rather than "dudes need to learn to tamp down on their knee jerk reactions to group criticism and being exposed to people out of their demographic"

The fact that you were 19 years old and had that as a phase but got out of it. That's the thing I'm pointing to, and I feel like I've not done a good enough job at highlighting that as my point. It's not even about a lack of reading comprehension, I think a lot of people who retreat to the internet for most of their socialization are more likely to be lonely and recruited. How many fucking Twitter memes do we need to have of people reading far too much into innocuous statements to prove that yeah, it is a lack of reading comprehension, but a lack of reading comprehension is not something that happens in a vacuum. And there are people who are very eager to sell people bad ideas based on those misconstrued readings because they speak to a feeling of disenfranchisement.

When I talk about this sort of thing, it's in a preventative way. Most people don't arrive at being a moral and righteous person all on their own; usually they fuck up along the way, have to apologize, readjust their views with new information and new perspectives. Having been in anti-SJW spaces, and having that phase last far longer than I'm comfortable with... I wouldn't have gotten out if I hadn't had people who liked me push back on some of the dumb shit I was saying. Granted, I was not some kind of neo-Nazi; I was an edgelord and a transmedicalist who constantly felt like Padme in that one Star Wars meme; the one of her in the field with Anakin. It was a lot less of a leap to come to a lot of the views I hold now. But if those people around me had all cut me off? Who fucking knows how much worse I could have gotten? Who even knows if I'd still be alive, typing this right now? I got into those spaces in the first place because people proclaiming themselves to be progressive were bullying my friends and I, on top of me being depressed and then traumatized by losing my dad. I was a fucking mark.

I'm not coming at this from the angle of "oh, if we just hug and kiss all the horrible Nazis they'll realize how righteous we are, uwu," I'm coming at it from the perspective of wanting to be the kind of person I had around me that got me out to people who were in similar positions to myself. I'm not seeking these people out. I have no desire to do that. Hell, I don't even think most people should do this, but because of my own personal experiences... I at least have to try if I'm having an otherwise benign conversation with someone and they say something off. I at least want to see if they're just speaking out of ignorance and they're not really all that married to these ideologies, in which case they could be rehabilitated, or if they're just fully on board with the fascist incel shit, in which case I can't do shit for them.

I want to be the kind of person for people that I wish I had around me that could have helped get me out sooner. And if they don't want my help? Fuck 'em. I want to try and make up for some of the damage I did because it feels like the least I could possibly do. And if that means steering someone away from that pipeline before they reach the point of no return just through a pretty casual encounter through just being stupidly patient and nice? I'll try, because that's just the type of person I am. Forget everything I said about suggesting other people doing this because doing this has burnt me more times than I can count. But I think I have helped keep some guys normal, even if it's only in a very small way.

You can think that I'm stupid or naive for even bothering. I don't care. But I'm still friends with former KF people who helped me get out and we support each other. It's a lot easier to learn empathy when it's demonstrated to you.

I'm sorry, I just... this subject touches on a lot of very personal stuff for me. It's why I even bother with it in the first place.

[dragon-queen21]

HIII MEE AGAINN i need to talk about baby giyuu because im a sucker for him and he NEEDS more agere content

this ones also kinda sad because, im sad, giyuus sad, we are all sad, yknow?

-hmmm i dont know im a sucker for the idea that he wouldnt know he particularly regresses until someone finds him like that and after taking care of him, the moment hes okay and big again they have to explain that no giyuu, your not just tired. your tired AND a age regressor. and that being SHOCKING for giyuu man, my boy has self loathing thoughts on a good day, imagine hin having to come to terms with his brain making hin act like a baby for a while is probably worse than finding out he was a hashira (haha manga moment)

- and in that case,, vent regressor ☹️

most of the time he wont be little until hes too foggy to do anything he needs to, and then that accompanied by the fact he thinks no one likes him, so now hes lonely and hes too little he thinks to be alone, ah, this is a recipe for a meltdown huh?

him on a mission with one other hashira or something on a time where he is too foggy, and he makes a big mistake and the other person there gets mad at him , and starts yelling at him saying that that mistake could have cost them their lives, not entirely in a bad way, the others just concerned for him because tomiokas not the kinda guy to make a big mistake like that. and giyuu is not in the right place to be scolded like that and just bursts into tears, like straight up wailing, covering his face, kicking his feet, and the other one there is confused, why is tomioka having a.. dare they say tantrum?

^i feel like after alls well and good, hes big again, hes apologized, he realizes just how important it is to take care of his little side.

- i feel like tengen would be a good cg for him, also would probably be the first to know giyuus a little. amazing hearing and all, could probably hear baby babbles from a couple miles away, and at first hes like oh i wonder who that is 🤔🤨 yknow in a suuppeeer gossipy way because, we all know he gossips come ON now, but when he makes his way to the water hashiras estate hes like oh! oh. and now hes confronted with A) go inside and take care of him or B) leave and never speak of this again.

spoiler alert, he picks A. i mean, assuming giyuus little here, it wouldnt be that hard, i mean, his wives are littles too its not like hes not expierenced, and giyuus not exactly too much to handle so..

OH MY GOD THIS WRAPPING AROUND TO THE FIRST POINT HERE WHATT “im a sucker for the idea that he wouldnt know he particularly regresses until someone finds him like that” IM JUST LIKE THWT no can you see i have like the same three ideas in my head

- anyhow i feel like giyuu would be a not only a smaller regressor but definitely a easy going kid. he does NOT have the energy to do anything else but sit and babble, maybe on a good day he’ll even play with some toys (tengen bought him) (tengens his main cg for a LONG time)

- i think he’d go to a few meetings, uh, not quite little but foggy, a indication he needs to be little. on those times he wont really, listen to the master, just nod his head with ecerything he says because he does not trust himself to talk right now, and will normally ask shinobu for everything important when hes big again.

it does not go well when kagaya (i think, the master) asks giyuu a question and giyuu is fighting demons to not only answer, but answer without slurring words. he thinks ge did pretty good, untill the other hashira are giving him strange looks, and tengen has a look of sheer “oh godohgodohgod” and hes big enough to know hes absolutely cooked

OKIEIM DONE IMDONEBYAYYYYY well oh no because this is so sad um!!!!!!!? sorry?!!! most times these asks go based off my mood sorry for making giyuu a angst fest!!!! byeeeeee

📷

I do know. Do you know how much of my angst writing comes because I’m once again depressed? Well let me tell you, it’s most of it. Y’all should see my ao3 haha. Agere angst is some of my favorite things to write about :3

You and me 🤝 projecting onto characters

~~~

~Giyu: “No no, I’m just tired. Nothing else. Maybe a bit dissociative.”

The pillar that found him: “no, no you’re definitely regressing”

~Giyu pushing himself to the very limit because he’s already a burden, acting like a child, not having control over the way his mind fogs and he wants to do nothing more than curl up in someone’s lap and cry. But Shinobu reminds him that everyone hates him, acting like a baby won’t help even if her words hurt more than anything and Tanjiro’s hurt, his baby brother who he failed to protect, and he fails everyone around him, and why can’t he just be a child when everything was okay and simple…

~at the very least he has to do something to manage the headspace. So he lets himself be small, but do nothing more than sit and wallow in the feeling. He doesn’t deserve to be comfortable.

~Tengen finding out he’s a regressor (why him? because dad Tengen obviously :3 ) and trying to buy the little comfort items like blankets and a pacifier

~Oh hey lol I wrote this part before reading more of what you wrote. XD Can you tell I have a one track mind for my favorite characters?

~Giyu just lets himself go with whatever is happening around him, not enough energy to put up a fight. The only thing that might happen is he would start crying if he got overwhelmed

~What that’s such a good plot reference. Giyu trying to hide his regression and being like “I’m doing a great job, no one suspects a thing.”

~Tengen meanwhile: Dying. Actually dying of not only second hand embarrassment but also of the urge to grab his boy and take him far away from the disaster that is no doubt about to play out before him

[chris-continues]

Okiiii

Only one bed in the booked hotel room trope? 👀 (not nsfw obv) I read something similar to this but it was Vash so maybe a Nai version?

Star wars convention with Vash? (If u do dis one and if u need any help feel free to ask me anything cuz im a huge star wars nerd)

Vampire Vash and/or Nai?

CARNIVAL!!!! I wonder if the brothers would compete to see who can win the most prizes, also watching the fireworks on the ferris wheel would b cute

Beach episode? 👀👀

Sorry if it's alot-

(I love your au's so much oml, you write all the characters beautifully ♡)

AAA TYSM I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT imma screenshot this message/ask and use it a few times probably but the one that caught my eye most is vampire au PLS SEND SO MANY ASKS ABT VAMP AU I need to write more stuff on it

Ngl I’m most willing to write suggestive stuff for vampire au bc bro… 0///0

Lonely nights lead to delectable frights <3

In which two vampires with extreme charm have you wrapped around your finger (when in reality it’s them wrapped around your finger). (To be added on to, I wanted to expand on this more later lol)

WARNINGS/TAGS: mentions of depression/loneliness (reader runs into the woods to be alone but also craving companionship), gender neutral reader

Vampire Vash and Vampire Knives meeting reader! I’ll add onto this in separate pieces but I haven’t set a definitive timeline yet!! So any drabbles written may deviate from the last piece

I was debating on writing this in Victorian era type beat or modern au (because I’ve written vampire Nai modern au) but I asked my fav vamp lover @coffinbeananteiku and her word is final 🫡 (I needed to ask someone to decide for me I’m very indecisive sometimes)

Tags: @lune010 @vashfantasy

The dusk of a new night greets you as you run. Far, far away. You had nowhere to go, your feet leading you wherever the wind took you. Nothing truly important lay back in town, perhaps a few less than noteworthy friends in society who’d given an artificial smile and obligatory wave.

Nothing to go back to.

So of course you’d been an idiot to run into the woods. You have one horrible day, and rather than wallowing at home like usual you make the horrid decision to run when others keep berating you for it, fine attire catching on brambles you’d almost tripped over as the haphazard movements of yours fell to a halt. How far had you run? How far did your stress carry you?

Alone. Just as you wished and terrified. Only the moss at your feet and rather barren branches accompanied you, horrors of the night awaiting your person.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

You breathed in shakily, only to exhale into a sob. God, you were tired, so so very tired.

You eventually lifted your head to observe your surroundings. Eerie; yet a welcome sight compared to the bustling cobblestone streets of town, quiet, perhaps too quiet. The wind whistles past your ears in its reverie, encompassing you fully into the charm of the night.

This could be good, you attempt to reassure yourself. That thought is fleeting as you attempt to appreciate the short lived tranquility and struggle to backtrack. It’s futile.

You have no way back. So what must you do? Trudge forward. The next town could be for miles, you have no money and certainly no mode of transportation besides your already exhausted two feet.

You trek forward.

Not long after, your loneliness returns. The peaceful night soon digs into your heels once again, dragging your already worried mind into further disquietude. Your arms wrap around yourself in poor manner to shield yourself from the further night’s chill, vision hazy from the little light and paranoia suffocating you.

But nevertheless, you persist. You were stubborn in that way, never knowing quite when to stop despite the fear you’d be too much. Even now, when you’d done too much, by leaving town entirely to the welcoming yet terrifying arms of the woods did you remain stubborn. In a will to survive? In the pursuit of curiosity? The need for more? To deserve more?

You’d never quite place it, you’re sure. Perhaps all of the above.

Such thoughts plague you as you unknowingly stare down at your feet, eventually reaching a cobblestone pathway.

Your neck snaps up to see- ruins? No, it’s far too neatly kept for that. A castle, complete with gates and stone pathways; warm torches lit at the sides if you squinted from the faraway grounds of the gates. Cool moonlight acted as your light as you traversed forward, feet picking up. Perhaps you could try to see if it was abandoned, fashion yourself a place for the night! Hopefully no dangers resided here, in such a domestic place. Well, perhaps it wasn’t the most welcoming of homes but it certainly was a new sight amongst what surrounded you. Ah, yes, dead trees, dead trees, and.. woah! More dead trees!

..so, quite the refreshing sight.

The pats of your feet are the only noise you truly process, the gates creaking with movement as you walk closer to the manor.

Large metal rings the size of your head hung heavily at the double doors. Should you knock? They appeared to be in usable condition.. so you supposed, lifting one knocker with your dominant hand.

A heavy boom resounded as you dropped it. You’d never really used one- just accustomed to the usual rapping of knuckles on doors, or a verbal call whilst entering a room.

“You appear unfamiliar.” A voice suddenly husks behind you, making you nearly jump out of your skin.

You whipped around quickly, “Holy shit!-“ for someone in the Victorian era, your modern slang (profanity) was rather proficient. Standing before you was someone cold and cunning, towering over you intensely. His presence demanded attention, the need to stand straight and not let him out of your sight in fear of what he could do.

The wind whistled in your ears once more. Like a taunt that it could run far away from here, unlike you. His domineering white- no, almost white, pale blue eyes stared down at you. He seemed inhuman.

Your mind seemed scrambled in a feeble attempt to explain yourself, “Sorry I uh, was walking and needed someplace to stay for the night..”

His eyebrow arches in amusement. “So you decided to reside here?”

The crunching of leaves is what alerts you to a new presence behind the.. man who’d confronted you, wisps of blonde hair peeking from over his shoulder until he stood next to him. “Aw, that’s no way to treat a visitor!” He gave a sweet, yet strangely tight lipped smile. “I’m Vash, this is Nai. It’s wonderful to meet you.” A partially gloved hand adorned in lace outstretches towards yours in a pleasant handshake, small tears in the fabric from overuse. It’s a paradoxical feeling of ‘rough lace’, yet it suits him rather well.

You hesitantly greet yourself, voice meek with unfamiliarity and worry. An introduction slips past your lips albeit shaky voice, he remains ever so friendly and opens the door for you, the.. Nai guy taking care to briskly zoom past and ignore your very presence.

How kind. He’s taken a liking to you.

Vash merely brushes it off as usual banter, perhaps it’s nothing personal, you assume. He seemed unbothered overall and didn’t really acknowledge anything, that much you could observe just from his behaviors so far.

It’s not of importance, not in your mind at least. What truly caught your attention? The ornate structures in the main hall- carvings of angels in rich marble and stone, hell, even the floors had carvings!

Out of curiosity you dipped your toe into the slight crevices in the ground, feeling the divots of some.. geometric swirls and markings that decorated the beauty of the castle.

“Hey, you coming?” Vash peeked over his shoulder towards you- you’d lost yourself in the beauty of the room. He gave a knowing smile at your wonderment, entrancing chuckle reverberating throughout the tall ceilings. “I was the same way when I first came here, it’s definitely a sight to take in!” He jolts his head to beckon you forward,

“You can stay the night. If you wish.”

What other choice did you really have?

[trinkerichi]

I had a LONG call with friends last night about writing and inspirations! So today I was thinking about sharing some of the media that's inspired my comic in some way.

Rocket Chip isn't necessarily something I'd write FOR kids, but it's not an adult series either. I guess it's something im retroactively writing for my kid self if that makes sense? It's meant to have the feeling of a simple kid's story even when it's dealing with heavier emotions, because that's honestly how I like it best! Even now with my much wider grasp of film and media as an art form, there's something about old cartoons that can Really capture this specific weird lonely tone that just sticks in your head.. Something about the inherent uncanny feeling that animation has, maybe?

Anyway:

Chip was named after this character! This clip was meant to teach kids about personal computers in the 80's when they were BRAND NEW as a concept. And it was never officially distributed until the 2000's.

I think some AI enthusiasts could stand to watch this actually. But entirely from a narrative perspective, this song has an oddly eerie tone, doesn't it? Mostly because of this computer character's voice actor and the music. The more he insists that he can't feel pain or emotions, the more tension the music builds up! The more emotion he seems to have in his voice!! And then brings it all back down so simply. It's a really interesting little short.

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars is a fever dream of a movie and frankly the whole thing has that slightly unsettling lonely mood to it that I was talking about. Helped by the fact that the book series it was based on is pretty dark in its own right. Both the books and movies are themed around household objects facing the fact that they're disposable. Planned obsolescence and all that, though this movie doesn't exactly have anything profound to say about it, it's just kinda brought up.

BUT this was always my favorite part as a kid. They're just a buncha happy balloons! Floating in space! Forever! They were made to bring you a moment of happiness and then there they go. As a kid I definitely didn't understand the woodstock references, so I'd assumed the purple balloon was talking about the balloons themselves when he said "We feel you can't relive a one-time thing".

Y'know, with how fixated I was on concepts like this, it's surprising in retrospect that I never really cared about the toy story movies very much. huh.. anyway

UNICO in the Island of Magic is a beautiful movie that I highly recommend watching if you haven't. It's my favorite Tezuka property by far. It reminds me a lot of "The Last Unicorn" in how morose it feels. Unico is a creature that was born with the power to make everyone happy, but is hated for it. Every time he makes a friend he's taken away to a new place and his memories are erased. Unico is presumably doomed to this cycle for his entire life and there's no resolution in sight. It's TERRIBLY DEPRESSING and yet there's still hope in it somehow. Unico still pushes himself to help even the most broken of people because he knows happiness and friendship are what he's meant to bring to the world. But it's something he can never have for himself.

It's done in a cheesy friendship speech way of course, but it's still impactful.

This clip of the ending always gets me. Though id recommend you watch the whole movie for the context, if you don't care or have already seen it, this is my favorite part.

I've got more examples but I'm tired of typing =v= later though!

[hiddenjam]

Some help for my mom - UPDATED

Hello friends, you probably don’t know who I am since I haven’t been active here from years, and I rarely post anything, some of you even messaged me wondering if I was still alive, I'm so sorry if I ever worried anyone, I'm alive! I just don’t have time and motivation to be active these days, thanks a lot for you lovely persons who dmed me tho ♡ this and other reasons are why I regret letting my depression drown me for too long, because I’m feeling so tired right now, so lonely, but I’m also feeling desperate and helpless because I need your help. So my mom has been very sick from some time ago, but just recently, she got diagnosed with a brain tumor, and she needs a surgery urgently, like doctors gave her 2 months if we do nothing, and 1 has already passed, but the cost its high and I don't have enough money to help her.

I know I said before I was going to do commissions, but my time has been shortened since I also work long hours and taking care of my mom at the same time its really tiresome, physically and mentally, not that I complain in helping her tho. So maybe this year, hopefully I’ll make some progress with that. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm not very good with words, back at the matter… 

I’m feeling REALLY ashamed to be asking for help, but like I said Im feeling desperate to help my mom, I only live with her and I need her just like she needs me right now, she’s suffering a lot, and the feeling of helpless its horrible because I can’t help her like she needs to. 

So please, please, consider donate to make her surgery, she doesn’t have much time left, even if its a small donation, every cent no matter the amount its important to us, and it will help to do it as soon as possible. 

And if you can’t donate but still wants to help, then share this link to reach to others, really, anything right now its important to me, thank you for reading, and thanks a lot for your help.

Tbh I still don’t know everything about this tumor, but I shared more info and details in the fundraiser link, and even if you need a commission (I mean a drawing for a donation) you can dm me, I've never done a commission before, but I will try my best to do it, really by this point I’d do anything to help my mom. 

Thanks a lot and take care ♡ ♡ ♡ This is the donation page: https://gofund.me/347d39a2

EDIT: My mom survived the surgery with the help of everyone!! Thanks a LOT for all donations & shares! by changing the doctor we managed to give her a second chance in life 🥺 Also the tumor turned out to be benign!

Her doctor talked about her case on facebook !

SO GLAD we found him, the first doctor was charging us 22k while this doc charged us 10k (I put 3k from my saves) and it turned out all good! its amazing the improvement that my mom has shown ever since the 1st day of the surgery. And she's smiling 🥺❤️

Right now the only problem is the radiosurgery, and its another expense 😭 I dont know when this gonna end, but docs say hopefully is the last time, the probability is never 0 but she will need to be checked from time to time. In the meantime I will share the fundraiser for the radiosurgery, yeah I know, its shameless, but I really hope not to be in this position ever again after this. This time, Im no afraid of the outcome, I'm hopeful but need to be patient.

Once again, please, I need your help, I dont know If I should do another post about it, but for the moment I will just add it here in the ogpost: https://gofund.me/da136114

Once again thanks for your consideration <3

[ozlices]

really fucking sucks that it does not matter how openly we cry about how fucked up we are after everything this year has put us through, we are just. ignored. like. we're very open about having abandonment issues & a burden complex, but nobody gives a fuck abt ensuring that isn't. you know. constantly fueled in the aftermath of all the shit this year put us through.

we haven't suffered in silence. quite the opposite. but we're literally just. ignored. & left to rot. no matter how transparent we are abt how badly we're doing. & it sucks. like it's getting to a point where we're genuinely starting to get apathetic towards our friends & we don't fucking care to fight it off anymore.

if my friends were posting the kinda shit we do during our meltdowns, id be rushing to call them as soon as i could. maybe im just different. maybe im just a dumbass for caring so goddamn much! cause jfc it clearly isn't mutual no matter what!

how am i supposed to fight off my persecutor telling me nobody fucking loves me bc i don't deserve it when i can beg for somebody to lend their hand to me, & all i get is silence.

we haven't been checked up on. anyone we used to talk to daily has just decided we're too depressing or whatever to be around, i guess. like. idk what anyone wants from us anymore. i really fucking don't. all we want is to have somebody give a shit abt us & fucking MEAN it. actually be there for us. actually take care of us the same way we take care of everybody else.

but nah nah instead we're just. having our complexes fueled. our persecutor's ammo refilled, meanwhile we're left with nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

the best relationship of our lives couldn't even last longer than a month & no matter what, we can't fight being made to feel like we just weren't worth keeping around.

we've never escaped being "too depressed to handle" as our token in a friend group, but like. idk. maybe if we weren't made to constantly feel so fucking alone & like nobody genuinely gives a shit abt us, we'd be able to At Least cope a bit better.

idek what to do or say anymore. like our persecutor gets on our ass for saying "nobody cares" like "oh well you're just being manipulative & fishing." bitch i GENUINELY fucking feel like nobody fucking cares about me & not a single goddamn person has tried to significantly fight that notion to any genuine degree.

it'll be fought with filler words in the moment, but again. nobody checks on us. nobody just randomly tells us they love us and care about us. nobody does the little things we've always done for our loved ones we know are going through rough times. even if we directly tell people it helps. so, what the fuck else am i sposed to say or think.

im tired of feeling like this. im tired of being lonely, and unloved, and uncared for, and like it's all fucking pointless. im tired.

i just feel like we're just forgotten about until we're needed. but when we are the ones who need someone else to help us? well, we can just fucking rot, then. i guess. we're just an annoying burden who's too depressing to be around. not worth any genuine effort. and we cannot keep fighting that notion when nobody gives a shit to stand with us against it.

[kelseyfitzherbert]

so id love to put this under a read more but i haven't been here lately and my brain is mush and i forgot but i just need a place to scream

tw: cancer, depression, self hatred, loneliness, etc etc etc

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im so tired. my toddler has cancer yet im the tired one. everyday is just me on autopilot until the next treatment, or doctor's visit, or body scan. when my husband isn't home, i crumble, having to handle my son alone. and he's a really good kid. but everyday is the same. and i know it's temporary, and i know i should be grateful for whatever time i have with my kid, but i'm losing me. i want to get away but have nowhere to go. i want to escape but everywhere i turn is reality. and i can't. i have a job to do here and my kid is counting on me.

but man, what i would've give for like, a four day coma.

im lonely. i feel like everyone i love pulls away from me, and it's my own doing. one example is i used to talk everyday in a group chat with my only local remaining close friends, but now it's deserted and i'm 90% sure they have a group without me. i didn't mean to pull away. things just got so busy and sometimes it's just so hard for me to even say a sentence. they tried to invite me to things at first but with my schedule so up in the air and dependent on riley, they stopped asking me. and maybe i'm stupid, and overreacting, and self sabotaging myself but i feel like almost everyone in my life is doing this now. my husband, my kid, my friends, my family. and it's so hard not to blame it on myself because....why wouldn't it be. ive done this my entire life. i push people away. i don't mean to, but i do.

i don't mean to be this way but everything in my life is so isolating right now. i don't spend any time with anyone outside my family. i have problems that get ignored. i try and speak up but it feels like im invisible. it feels like nobody wants to hang out, or spend time with me, or just talk to me about things that are normal and not my situation. my old friends don't say they miss me, or try and help me get out of this in and out day by day horror ride i'm on. sometimes it feels like nobody wants me around. and i know it's not other peoples jobs to do that. i know it's my own. i know i need to put forth a majority of the effort but i feel like i'm giving and giving and giving and giving and nobody hears me. i can't give anymore. i'm exhausted. i'm embarrassed. i'm ashamed. sometimes it feels like nobody's life would benefit from keeping me close and it's just so fucking hard right now.

because who would want to. who would want to entertain the girl whose kid has cancer and over compensates with everything else in her life to try and find a little bit of peace in such a scary, awful world. who gets too loud, too obsessive, too clingy or too annoying. i try not to but it's just hard. idk how my husband is still here. i would've left me so long ago.

i look in the mirror and i hate myself. i hate what i see. i hate who i am and only see myself as useless. i blame that on why nobody wants to be around me, and it pushes me further. i hate the way i look, and i hate it because i'm in better shape than ive been. but ive just been staring at myself today wondering what the fuck im doing wrong. im scared to be around my husband, who is the kindest person in the world. who, without him, id fall apart.

maybe im just overreacting. ive got people in my life who i love so much and i know care about me. but i can't help but fall back into that thinking of "im going to ruin this again" because it's all ive ever done. i don't want to push my friends, my family, my damn husband away. and i overcompensate that and it comes off as clingy and desperate and annoying.

i want to get back to things i love but it's hard. im trying. i still workout, i actually love going at 430am now. but other than that, i cannot get myself to do anything more than exist. i want to do things. i want to talk to people and go out and adventure and live. i want to draw and write and sing but i can't. i just can't.

im so proud of my kid. ive watched this little two year old do things with a smile on his face that would make a grown person cry. he's so brave, and i can't be that for him and i hate it.

im just tired. and if you made it this far, hey, what's up lol. sorry i just disappear and then reappear randomly upset about stuff. this blog has always been my number one safe space since 2010. it's see a lot of the shit of my life. im starting therapy again this month, which will be a shitshow. it'll be good, but it'll be a shitshow.

just...be kind. that's all i can say. be kind to people. you never know what they're going through, and sometimes a simple word can help so much.

and thank you to those who reach out. who care. i love you all. ❤️

[macabremoons]

Incorrect Quote Tag

LOVE THIS TAG FEELS LIKE IM IN A FANDOM. Thank you to @mjparkerwriting for tagging me!!! tagging @serenanymph, @repressed-and-depressed, @wrenofthewords, and anyone else who wants to do it! It's fun. Long post ahead.

Bonnie (brainstorming ideas for pranking Emilio): How much could a serial killer mask possibly cost? Menodora: Well it’s hard to find a high-quality one made out of leather or silicone, but if you did find a good one like that it’d be a couple thousands of dollars. I can try to hook you up with one but I don’t know if I’d be very successful. Bonnie: Huh, that’s pretty interesting actually- Wait, how the hell do you know that? Menodora: …I am very passionate about Halloween, Bonnie.

Menodora: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone* Emilio: Hey, Menodora, how was your day? Menodora: *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Emilio* Hell. Bonnie, watching this unfold: *whispers* Who hurt you?

Emilio: What is everyone for Halloween? Bonnie: I’m superman. Menodora: A clown. Emilio: So I’m guessing we don’t need to get you a costume then?

Menodora: Why don't we just call it, "M.C. Donald's?" Emilio: Because it just sounds like a stupid rapper's name. Bonnie: It'd just be like- "Eyo, it's ya boy, M.C. Donald!"

Bonnie: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited. Emilio: "If" Menodora: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die.

Benjamin: Menodora is mad at me, and I'm not sure why. Apollo: Okay, did you talk before she got upset? Benjamin: ...yes? Apollo: That's probably it.

Apollo: You really believe in Benjamin? Menodora: Luckily, he believes in himself enough for the both of us.

Benjamin: Menodora has never seen Star Wars? Apollo, the only people in the universe who haven’t seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that’s cause they lived them, Apollo! That’s cause they lived the Star Wars!

Benjamin: Hi, who's this? Apollo changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures. Menodora: What's mine? Benjamin: Dwarf. Menodora: HE'S SO MEAN, I'M NOT THAT SHORT! Benjamin: Oh, hey Menodora. Menodora: FUCK!

(fun fact for half of the books Menodora is taller than Apollo. She's 5'9 [175 CM])

Menodora: What if mayonnaise came in cans? Benjamin: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal. Apollo: Good morning to everyone except these two people.

Emilio: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell. Bonnie, Benjamin, Menodora, and Apollo: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

Emilio: Who the fuck broke the toaster? Apollo: It was Benjamin. Menodora: It was Benjamin. Bonnie: Benjamin broke it. Benjamin: Benjamin: ...yOU PROMISED-

Menodora: Is something burning? Benjamin, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you. Menodora: Benjamin, the toaster is literally on fire

Menodora: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine. Benjamin: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. Menodora: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? Benjamin: Is it working?

*Benjamin comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Menodora’s bedroom.* Menodora: Babe, are you.. coming to bed? Benjamin: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a girlfriend. Benjamin: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep* Menodora: ...

Benjamin walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Menodora, I love you but, what the hell? Menodora, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

Benjamin: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking. Emilio, patting them on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

Benjamin, holding a toy lightsaber: I’m Darth Vader! Emilio: I’m done with everyone’s bullshit.

Emilio: I'll offer you some friendly advice- Menodora: I don't want your advice. Emilio: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.

Menodora: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done. Apollo: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real. Menodora: They're not. Apollo: Haha, very funny. Menodora: I'm serious. Didn't you hear? Apollo: No... what happened? Menodora: ...Why would you fall for this again-

Menodora: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie. Apollo: Ooh, can we get some actual pie? Menodora: I like the way you think.

Menodora: It’s nice to be wanted, you know? Apollo: Not by the law!

Can you tell i like these characters