#im just so fucking sad i hate this life i wanna start over i keep failing evrryone around me

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: SH and su!c!de

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[stupid-and-cute-are-enough]

it WAS 1:30 am and now i've got finals in mere hours so obviously this is how i should be spending my time. behold: screaming and crying publicly over @get-rammed's montgomery gator doodles

starting off STRONG with this beauty:

THE FULL-BODY HUG???? THE SKIN ON SKIN CONTACT??? one thing you MUST know about me is that i am WEAK for when the bigger partner wraps themselves around their s/o WEAK I SAY

(also monty's nose????? it's absolutely darling and so perfect for his lil face)

KEEPING ON THEME WITH WERE-MONTY

specifically the face................ he looks so dejected...................so tired................ so sad...................baby has had a ROUGH night and i desperately want them to be better 😭😭😭 (the HAND HOLD???? THE TEAR STAINS??? AUGHH)

we already KNOW how i feel about this one after all i'm that motherfucker who was so consumed by this doodle that i asked ram if i could clean it up and otherwise go insane over it we already KNOW that this doodle has me on my fucking KNEES

again THE FULL BODY HOLD??????? THE SAD EYES???? HE HOLDS ONTO THEM LIKE THEYRE SOMETHING PRECIOUS 😭 monty is trapped in a life he pretty much hates and they've gotta be one of his only sources of comfort 😭😭😭😭 i imagine the anon has to pull wayyy more hours once monty becomes a glamrock so they're constantly exhausted but desperately wants to be there for their struggling friend and vice versa for monty (and how pissed monty must get w/the virus bc why the fuck should he feel bad for them when it's HIS life that got screwed over?)

everything i just said applies to this one too except with more melancholy bc it feels like when you have to wait for your loved one to fall asleep so you can slip away quietly (but, of course, monty is holding on, so he'll be disappointed sooner rather than later)

:(

MOVING FUCKING ON TO THIS NEXT ONE OHHHH MY GOD YOU GUYS PREPARE YOURSELF

THE SNOOT RUBS???? THE HAND ON ANON'S CHEST???? THE BLUSH????? THE WAY HE RUFFLES HOW OWN HAIR 😭😭 GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO BEAT UP MR. FAZBEAR ENTERTAINMENT HIMSELF GIVE MONTY HIS HAIR BACK!!!!!!

but seriously this one is just SO cute 😭 gator golf monty were such simpler times and it DESTROYS me knowing where they go from here :( ik both of them heal together in the end but they hurt so much between those two points AUGHH THEY DONT DESERVE IT 😭😭

GOING BACK TO WERE-MONTY

THE SHIRT??? THE SKIN-ON-SKIN CONTACT???? literally what else is there to say i rest my case moving on

THE CASUAL INTIMACY????? THE SKIN ON SKIN????? THE ANONS SILLY LIL SMILE AND ALL THE LOVE BITES?? look im down bad for monty as much as everyone else here but good LORD there's something so tender about non-sexual touch (esp with minimal clothing) 😭😭 its so special to me............. they're so happy to have each other i am ILL

iconic

SCREAMING AND CRYING THEY'RE SO SILLY TOGETHER!!!! LET THEM BE SILLY AGAIN THEY DESERVE IT!!!!

look at them they're up to MISCHIEF they're up to NO GOOD <3 and freddy is RAPIDLY APPROACHING (side note SWEETS??? 😭😭 i love all of monty's nicknames but something about "sweets" makes me AUGH................. it's so cute...............)

BONUS:

MORGAN <333333 WHAT A MASSIVE W TO TRANS-MASCS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wouldn't wanna be represented by ANYONE else

feddy <3

last but not least the comment i left (with my user and pfp blocked out bc you don't get to know me like that) on part one of project starlight that strikes fear into me to this very day. ignore my spelling mistakes i was going through it

i would've also grabbed a screenshot of the monty plush bc i feel special every time i look at one bc ram thought my comic was cool and it instantly became a core memory but this post has taken LONG ENOUGH!!! SLAP A SHIPPING LABEL ON THIS BITCH AND SEND IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thetobiroppofan]

one piece rant #1: the gay evil pronoun

im nervous to start this off cause what if some random incel comes in saying "erm snort actually this is wrong" like go kiss my ass basement dweller I am a 15 year old trans boy do not fw me yu dcikhead :(

anyways I wanna talk abt doflamingo today

Doflamingo's honestly a great villain, in my opinion. This is WAYY different than like.. a great person. He serves as a good driving force for the plot and I think he like is honestly kinda well-written. I mean, the guy's morals and stuff are downright despicable as expected of a villain. I don't know how to add gifs I forogt

ok so I figured it out woohoo anyways

Starting off, his backstory is honestly fuckin' sad as hell understandably, I mean obviously he's still a dickhead I mean like one of the first panels of him going down there was "where are the slaves lets buy some"

little ugly fuck........... anyways

Quick explanation for anyone reading who a. doesn't know his backstory or b. just wants to read; Doflamingo's family was originally celestial dragons (a whole society 'above' the rest of civilization, generally they're hated by the public but their word goes above anyone elses, even the Marines at times, so people have to keep their shit together) but his father decided to move down to the real world as regular nobles.

yeah so that was a bad idea.

his family was borderline fuckin JUMPED over their former status as world nobles, and were forced into poverty, his mom died, and yada yada he shot and killed his own dad and joined the pirate life. I'm just rereading one piece again after a 2 month break, on alabasta, so details might be off do NOT take my word for granted chat

but like you get the gist, former noble goes down to civilization, is tortured, gets inducted into the pirate life, etc

the reason he was inducted was through trebol, since he saw young doffy and went "yeah that kids got potential" and not in the drake way

Trebol's the guy on the left, the uglier one

yeah so basically over the course of dressrosa (The arc where doflamingos the main villain), we learn more tidbits about his actions like how he took the head of his father back up to the home of the world nobles and asked to rejoin the celestial dragons (he was obviously rejected) and ykw I forgot to mention: doflamingo has a BROTHER. his name is Rosinante, and he's a great guy but he ends up working for doflamingo (spoiler alert: he's not actually there to be a good brother he is a spy) but over the course of the backstory, Doflamingo's newest member, a young Trafalgar d. water law

yeah he's lowk ugly as a kid but it doesn't change much when he grows up

side note: I love how ugly some op kids are like its just funny anyways this isn't abt law that's a whole other rant

anyways so law joins the donquixote pirates (Doflamingo named it after his last name, donquixote) and I'll talk more abt law's stuff later in another rant along with Rosinante (doflamingos brother) however all you need to know ATM in this rant is 1. Rosinante and Law leave to find a cure for laws disease+rosi discovered law has 'The Will of D.' (I'll need to explain that later wont I) 2. Rosinante already ate a devil fruit and if u weren't aware already u cant eat two dfs or else you DIE

happy father son bonding moment

oh btw

During their time out, Rosinante and Law get a call from doflamingo telling them to come back so Rosinante can eat this devil fruit doffy planned to steal called the ope-ope no mi (remember what I told u sister.) so he can cure law

yeah so

since rosinantes a marine he stops that, and hides law in a chest after forcefeeding him the devil fruit and skipskip andddd oh no

OH FUCK!!!!!!!!! ROSINANTE DIED.

oh btw you see the unshaded bright white chest RIGHT behind him

you'll never guess who's hiding there.

tragedy strikes.

but this ain't abt two tragic found family LOSERS (i don't mean this I love them both guys please I have a law Funko and plush I'm a mother) this is abt evil incarnate right here in a bright pink feathery coat and fuckass glasses

anywyas law goes on the run finds his crew this ain't abt him we're focusing back on doffy

so like skipping allat stuff we are now in the time when doflamingo says "fuck it" and decides oh yeah lets take over

an entire kingdom

thats what normal pirates do anyways.

So using his devil fruit the Ito Ito No Mi (which allows him to manipulate strings, allowing him to be like spiderman and also be a puppeteer which btw that reflects his char so much like gyattdamn!) he demands a beri sum of like 10 billion for this king to have his nation left alone before he like takes over him, puppeteering him to slaughter his own people before coming to the rescue yadadyadyaydyaydyaydaydysyay8dy8

so yeah

he takes over dressrosa, actingg as a 'hero' and he and his crew rule over the kingdom now

I don't think I've talked abt sugar yet but she can turn people into toys and form contracts, and that's what she basicallyy did with people who either a. doflamingo didn't like or b. spoke out against the pink feathered fuck

thats part 1 for now mainly just a backstory dump

i am insane

thanks for reading chat this has been a Quinn tm rant

[thisisanude]

it hurts so bad it hurts so bad God God God i’m fucked i’m fucked this is so painful i don’t know how to deal this hurts so bad i feel like my body is shutting down i feel like i can tdocsnhthjgg and there’s no solution there’s no fix because there’s no way i could ever 1) come out to my family and 2) leave my perfect boyfriend that my family loves and that i also love and have so many good memories with ???? but why am i so sad why does it feel so bad how am i going to get over this im literally nonstop feeling this awful feeling of impending doom and it’s just getting worse and seeing her feels so good but hurts a lot like so bad and i can’t do this i really don’t know what to do i need to make a choice i don’t want to make it i really don’t want to please don’t make me please don’t i hate this so bad and the guilt of emotional cheating is eating me up so bad actually eating me alive. like i can’t eat i feel bad all the time and to be fair im anxious about a lot of things rn but this is one of the top and nothing makes me as guilty as this. i’ve never felt this guilty before i really haven’t. in front of my boyfriend, in front of my family. not to mention this is how my relationship right now kinda started. like not fully but kinda this time with a lot more nuances. in my past relationship i loved him but i was never in love with him i don’t think. i knew i didn’t wanna be with him forever. and i wanted to break up months if not a full year before actually breaking up. i was just too pussy to do it and i was going back and forth with it but i was questioning our relationship and i wished i was single but in like a lowkey way like if he broke up with me id be ok type of way but i cant break up with him also i still like having a bf IDK. but my current boyfriend i was in love with for multiple years and even tho we’ve had periods in our relationship where it was rough we always came back and i really genuinely always thought we’d be together forever. i mean we’ve been together for 5 years and i feel like our lives are so intertwined like i have so so so many memories with him so many periods of my life where im like heavily with him and so many gifts from him and so many inside jokes and inside fun and i don’t understand what happened i really don’t i’m so lost im so lost i don’t know how this could’ve happened i just want to be honest honestly but i can’t i can’t i can never hurt him hes so precious and i love him so much. i don’t understand how i can love him as much as i do with my newfound issue like im doing the thing that hurts him the most by having feelings for someone else how dare i say i love him. im such a bad person i want to tell everyone they’re right and they need to stay away from me and i dont deserve to be happy and i just want to die honestly this makes me dissociate so heavy that maybe its a good thing that my mri was moved because im gonna be dissociating more heavily now. im not ok at all this is too much i cant handle it i feel so bad i dont know how to be a real person i just want to feel normal i just want to be ok. i keep thinking about spring semester and how good it was like up until april i would say except april was really good but really bad at the same time because that is when i realized it. i really wish i could have both of them i really wish that i was polyamorous but he is really not so thats never going to happen. but this makes me think back and think why did this happen like did our relationship also go downhill without me noticing. and it felt like we were having some upsetting fights not long before then like the one in august and then another 2 in november ? but then december felt really good with him it felt like things were getting better we had another fight in january but i don’t even remember what it was about. and it’s been a long time since then wow i feel like a fully different person. it’s crazy how much things have changed. i don’t know who i am anymore. i really don’t. i’m scared. i’m really scared. i just want to go home and feel normal and feel grounded and

[moesartblog]

I'm still a sucker for fedvi all these years later. What's your AU about? It looks interesting

It's kinda funny to come across other people who liked fedvi bc it was already such a niche thing even at its height lol.

But also thank you for letting me open pandoras box on my silly au. The biggest departure from the source material is probably just that it was only Giovanni who was executed, and the focus for the "story" is how his death has rippling effects across the family, and how they learn to live beyond his death.

This is gonna be so fucking long so im sorry in advance. I'm supposed to be doing an exam right now lol

Maria who is grieving, and also having to take care of her 4 children on her own now, learning to lean on other people for help with this. I also had this idea for a convo between her, and vieri (after he killed his father) where she's trying to make sense of Giovanni's death, and vieri, while not on any good terms with the family, doesnt think Giovanni should have been killed in the way he was cus it just caused problems all across the board. I also wanted to let her old personality creep back in, cus she was so fun before the execution in the game. I'm also debating if I want an element of being worried about her kids getting so involved with the assassin stuff or not. I'm leaning towards not but idk.

Federico, who I feel like to some degree didn't want to feel a lot of responsibility as an oldest sibling, suddenly has to take up the mantle, his siblings are looking to him for some stability since he seemed so unbothered about things in the past (at least on the surface). Him and Ezio start to butt heads more, especially over rescuing vieri during a mission to kill francesco, only to find him already dead. Federico is trying to hold every string in the family together so they dont fall apart. His goal is to kinda re-find that relaxed feeling he had before. Still with responsibility, but with a balance of relaxation, and, again, leaning on other people to help.

Ezio was the one who did see his father killed first-hand. He becomes a lot more aggressive, and throws himself pretty immediately into the assassin stuff. I see his personality pretty similar to the game (AC2), where he's looking for revenge for his father, and it's taking a toll on his family relationships. He kinda grows the way he does in the games, but a little faster, where he learns the most important thing is appreciating who is here now.

Caludia i wanna develop more, but her thing is based on her situation in AC brotherhood, where she wants to be an assassin too. Federico, and Mario are on board, but Ezio is adamant about her not doing stuff like that. He's still viewing her as the sad little sister who had her heart broken, and doesn't want to see her hurt, but doesnt understand that she is as capable as any of them. She still needs training but she has all the potential the ezio or federico had at her age. She wants to establish herself more and help her family.

Petruccio is still somewhat young, and has a hard time trying to process all the sudden major life changes. His chronic illness keeps him doing any intense physical training, but he's not super interested in that aspect anyway. He's usually hanging out with his mother, but then he starts to observe Leonardo more and more, and leo starts mentoring him on various things like deciphering things and engineering. It works a lot better with managing his illness, and the topics are more engaging to him.

vieri i decided to do a kinda overhaul on his character (the original character is fun to hate and entertaining but I wanted to go a different direction with his character. also even back in the day, tangent, but I hated the brotherhood flashback with him where they made him basically a rapist in order to make ezios stalking seem less creepy than it was. I HATED the writing of that jesus christ.) He's still fairly arrogant when around his father, and still spends his dads money loosely. but he starts to question his fathers ideas for their family within the templars, and he gets retaliation from his father every time. after giovannis death, he has a deep moment of my father was wrong fer helping set it up that way. giovanni needed to die, but doing it so publicly made a lot of issues for the Pazzi house afterwards. So a fight starts and he kills francesco, and after is found by federico and ezio because of Viola, who were coming to kill francesco themselves. He's taken back and treated at the Villa Auditore, much to Ezio's chagrin. Vieri is kinda stuck in his enemies home and so he's irritable, and vulnerable, but it's an opportunity for better understanding between the two families. vieri is more contemplative now that his father isnt present to influence him. Eventually he decides to become an assassin. He has some chronic pain issues from his injuries.

Viola, i only have a bit at the moment, but she's always been kinda disobedient of her father. Their mother is not in the picture. She doesnt like her father, and butts heads with vieri because of that, but vieri and viola still love each other deep down. Vieri looked down on her for not trying to further the Pazzi house. She saved vieris life after he killed their father, and flagged down federico and ezio to take them back to the villa. beyond that ill have to think of stuff.

cristina i havent posted much but I have this whole thing. Her and ezio had a brief tryst, but i view her as a lesbian, and I think she just realized the sex and romance weren't doing anything for her. She still loves Ezio, just as a very close friend. She wanted to escape her fate of being married off, and so she asks ezio to help her become basically nobody, to pursue the life she wants. In an assassin trip to Venice, cristina comes along and meets Rosa and is almost immediately smitten.

Rosa I made into an intensely butch bisexual lol. She becomes friends with Ezio, and hooks up with him occasionally. He introduces her to cristina, and their energies match up really well and they become an item pretty quickly. I want to develop this relationship more bc this was something i was shipping while i was shipping fedvi but no one else really had any connection to it so i hardly posted it lol.

some last random notes:

-Ezio is still sleeping around, just also with men now. He's hooked up with cristina, leonardo, caterina, rosa, antonio, etc etc

-Rosa and federico become good friends and its a lot of teasing ezio

-Rosa flirts with Maria a lot, and it makes ezio panicky

-i definitely am going to revisit fedvi lol

-uhhh paola and maria occasionally sleep together, arguably in a relationship

That was so fucking long thank you for asking though! i needed to barf all this out

[playboynanners]

i wanna start off by telling u i am sorry!! i wanna tell u about all this crazy shit in my head, and want to open up and want to talk about my feelings but no matter what, i just cant make out the right words...? like it feels like cant properly put my thoughts and emotions into words i guess??

all i want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because its killing me inside. i cant take it anymore. i feel weird. i dont want to do anything. i always feel tired. i dont have any energy. a part of me broken. something is def weighing on my heart. i just feel so fucking suffocated. i feel like i am so far behind in life that i will never catch up. everyone is doing so many things with their lives. and i am just here. i really dont think i can do this its getting dark again. and im afraid. im too tired to carry on. i want MYSELF back bro is that too much to ask for? i deffff know its getting bad because even sleep and music dont help and i feel sick all the time and i just want to disappear. i really feel like there is no happy ending for me . thats why getting through the days is hard rayen i honestly from the bottom of my heart know its all for nothing. u guys are waiting for me to get over it, to finally do something with my life, and i know u guys are getting impatient. but what u guys dont know is that im already gone. i dont like who i am. there is nothing good about me. i am sick of wasting my time. i am worn out. i so fucking tired. the anxiety consumes me at times i feel like i cant breathe i cant think straight intrusive thoughts of self distraction consume my mind i am sooo fucking sick of this version of myself!!!!! im fucking tired of the poor choices i keep making. i truly believe i have hit rock bottom. this is the humblest i have ever been because my ego has nothing to be proud of. i know i knowww it is important to be gentle with myself but its also crucial to be honest. im not taking care of myself. im doing drugs, im on social media all day. i either dont eat healthy, or i dont eat at all. i dont exercise. i watch things that arent positive and go to sleep and wake up late. i am sick to my stomach as i write this. i just want to go up from here because i cant live this way anymore. i dont wanna live this way anymore. but like if you never felt like the way i do right now... the drained , depression . WORTHLESS feeling ... then u cant say shit about me "getting better starts with yourself bs" LIKE UH ? YEAH I HATE MYSELF AND DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT NUN SO WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? like i honestly didnt even think i would be alive at my age i thought i wouldve been dead by 20 so u can only imagine how lost i feel lol. i dont know what to do with my life and i feel like im just wasting away most days. and i dont fucking know how to fix it. maybe this is my time for me and im supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what it is? like i dunno i just know i always fucking ruin EVERYTHINGGGG . i casually sabotage all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesnt feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring. i really want to kill whats inside of my head. i hate living like this day after day. i just want my pain to end bro . i see how everyone looks at me like i’m a burden, how they fake concern only to switch up at me the next second. i don’t want to be this way, im so lost and alone and i just don’t see the point anymore. this is the loneliest i have ever felt. i don't have a shoulder to cry on when im sad, i have got legit no one to go to. i have noooo tears left to cry dude. my heart hurts so much. my insides are burning. i dont know how to help myself. i legitimately try and i make it worse. i wanna scream all this hurt and pain out. can i just lose my memory just so i can take a break from feeling this way? im not sure how long i can handle this alone anymore all honesty .

AND i wouldnt say im "addicted" to drugs and alcohol (JUST YET lol) butttt what i hate about liking them is that once you know how that high feels and the break from reality you get from everything you will FOREVER know how good it felt and thats the problem. u can be days, months, years of being clean. but i know when you quit its gonna be hard years down the road. i would take it alllll back and not start doing any of it. it turns from "just one time trying it" to "i promise this is the last time" but all honestly i dont know how to stop or be normal in this world sober anymore.

and to sum it alllll up i just want / need someone who can hug me and tell me that im not as worthless as i think i am i feel so fucking empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.

[newjenns]

im kinda seeing ur blog like a confession chamber rn but if u don't mind I'll share some stuff and if u don't wanna read or answer thats okay <3

I bought their pride bracelets which is oh dgfwhshsskmygodwhy but im happy i had my gf to hold me back from spending all my money on their merch impulsively... I would've hated myself more if i had done that. And then when i started in my new school in last september and i wore those bracelets so proudly (girl what were you thinking) and waiting for someone to notice and then october came and. ah god its all so embarrassing now. but after giving myself to grieve it all, i realize that this period of my life brought me so many good things. i started drawing more, started engaging on tumblr, posting, and i sometimes go back to read fics i love to death to this day. cause after all to me most of this wasn't about the real people behind the streams but the things we created. And im still sad and angry i couldn't slowly get out of the fandom on my own terms... but at least im oit now, i was high on that dnf shit for way too long for it to be healthy and defending these men left and right every few weeks was taking a toll on my mental health. dont understand how people are still holding on, and to what, exactly?? its a fucking mess

I LOVE THIS this is probably the most aligned with how i personally feel as well like i can’t regret my time bc it really did make me happy and improve my life and the impact is far beyond just watching minecraft youtubers and i’ll always be grateful for that even tho it’s defintely embarrassing to look back on now and the way it crashed and burned was Terrible but at least it’s over now and i got to keep everything i really cared about once i left, as for what ppl are doing now to label themselves as a stan Well probably the same thing i did (defend dream from deserved criticism)

[always-me-meha]

Ewwww word vomitted my man.

Think he ignored me on purpose like damn my girl crazy sending paragraphs.

(Paranoid thinking)

No no. First was to say I'm proud of him and sorry I wasnt supportive.

I'm glad he's wanting to go back to school and quit stuff and I'll be here with him along the way.

I start word vomiting memories with him oops...

( when he first told me this, I was an ass ignoring the conversation really and we fought over bullshit and just gah never talked about it all weekend. I just wanted him to know I DID HEAR HIM and I really care. I'm proud he wants to work on himself )

oh and I apologized I never give him a chance to talk, I over talk over him then he gives up.

Makes me sad cause boo I wanna hear what you have to say!!!! But he just like nope forget it.... I'll learn to slow down so I can hear you, that's all I want. Him to be comfortable and open with me. I love listening to him, just sometimes he so quiet and I just idk hahaha get used to talking like the whole time for the both of us. I'm weird.

He said thankyou and I love you to this. Told me sleep cause ya I'm wired.

Then I sent him another appreciation and apology over our fights....

Even though it annoys me I LOVE HE BITES BACK and doesn't tolerate my shit for being a bitch for no reason when he doesn't derseve it and I'm so sorry.

(This why I hate nice guys, they can't handle it! Can't even put me in my place when I need it so I get worse and worse)

Where with caige idk.... like yes it gets mean (him especially when he's pissed off) but I don't wanna get to that point where Im the one saying the cruelst shit I can NEVER TAKE BACK.

Bipolar rage is no joke but fuck I gotta keep that temperature from not boiling. He helps test that water man..... like man...... the one expression I have to old back is the fucking hardest!!!!

He didn't see that message :( or was like boy she on a roll hahaha but agh I just wanted him to know ya. I love him. And stuff. Sorry. I think of you. From your nutty gf.

This relationship I know is...... something I want. First time in over 10 years, all the men I've ever ignored. I chose HIM. Even after of like almost 4 years of making him sleep at the foot of my bed lolol friend zoned.

Idk agh my heart strings when I found out the song he showed me wasn't for me wah that night, the thing that made fell for him. Dammit I sooo stoopid eh. As if...... mofo lucky he got in these pants, he claims I came to him first, no dummy... I went to you after you like..... man...

Idk wanna think of back then.... it was hard. Point being, he's mine now. That month apart, did good. Seeing eachother again made him realize what the fuck he wanted. I was like TOOO late, had ur chance (HE was like ah we should've just dated, mmmm I wanted you, you didn't want me) anywho teased him till the sun came up, oi boy.... here we go again *we banged* lol.

Then shut the front door. I tried running from again. I loved him bruh was hard not having him. He was like you think this easy on me? My life is not together, I'm like nether is mine.... he wanted us both to get where we needed to be first but why torture ourselves idk... or if he just making excuses and doesn't feel the same. SET ME FREEEE.

I was gonna be like bye :( but needed my journals from him.... anyway we took my pup to dog park. Then we went to our spot. This other lil park. It was our getting high spot from weed to our coke head days, drinks, and jib man.

And it became the spot where he asked me to be hissss.

Fuckin eh. Romantically high.

Took a walk down to the bushes/trees, well pup ran around following us. Our baby hahaha he step dad now.

He leaned against fallen down tree and pulled me close, as we both smoked Dat dumb drug. But that don't matter. Just agh KNOWING WE WERE FINALLY TOGETHER. Awkwardly saying babe now smiling and glowing...

(minus my bad news at same time of those pre cancerous cells) it was like hold the phone, lemme enjoy this right now.

Agh. Just man.... me single all this time.... and it's you????

The spot (years ago) he was to drunk and high and passed out in the snow. Was so heavy, I'm like we gotta go I'm not abandoning you out here in the cold!!!!!! Tells me should've left him IM LIKE NO you my bro, I'm getting ya home safe lol

Got stuck in the ditch there backing out oops..... made him come home with me. Again we did not sleep or kiss or nothing. I loved just his presence and being fucked up with him LOL I'm pretty sure he slept at the foot of the bed still.

Anyway he was to start a job that morning.... fuckin snow was heavy that night. What happend again? Got stuck in my own driveway this time fuck..... his fault this one. Other one was mineeee. His dad had to come pull me car out ermahgod..... then we rushed and got his ss to town so he made it to work. Lol I would've felt like shit cause I made him come home with me and if he'd missed that first day agh see I'm not always a good influence.

Holy man. I hate he got that job tho. Terrible. Just he reconnected with alot of drug people meh idk bleh. It's different when weeee do drugs together, doesn't count lololol and eh he was my friend, I think I started getting less attention. Yes I'm jello, I hog friends to myself hahaha

Fuckin hell.... idk how we did it back then. Just friends but we were close af. He was so quiet and depressed when I first met him and I was fucking manic as hell walking on cloud 9. The sun eh......

Then man things are blurry..... just always remembered him coming here to get STONED AF. We'd watch chucky together. Nd idk..... used to try sleeping normally but once we snuggled and awkwardly pecked abit and then I was like no cock blocked him. Back to the foot of the bed sir!!!!!

So fucking weird mannnnn. Doi I think we both wanted eachother during times but he couldn't have meeee so yenno did his own shit. Idk he would tell me his relationship stuff and I was like bruh the woman no derseve youuuu leave!

But we'd joke, he like oh I gotta send my money to my gf in city and I'd be like why don't I get money, he'd say be my gf then and you would lol

Just random shots like that. I know for a fact I'd sense jealousy when he'd have a women lol but I'm like no no, boy just a friend.

Fuck and when I had my first LDR I swear to God is when he started testing me. We were drunk and stoopid. He kept trying to kiss me, didn't count I didn't kiss back!

He'd try and leave to his parents and I'd literally be holding him tight, wrapped around his leg not wanting him to go.

Like man, I loved having him with me, his presence sleeping over, even tho we weren't a thing. Hated when he just come get high and had to go......

Jealousy bipolar drugs is why I think I distance myself for awhile after all that.... oh I was mad he made me feel like cheated -.-.

He was literally the guy in memes girls would say ' don't worry he's just a frieeeend ' well shit, look at us now.

How we BECOME WEEEEE. Fuckin eh. I was high..... on jib the first time.... we talked about how I haven't got laid in forever, he'd always offer him and I'm like no I don't sleep with my friends.

Even before then fuck, always some sexual tension was between us getting idk harder as time went on. I be bad and accidently let him see some sexy selfies oops. Boy that what you can't have 😂.

Eventually just causal touching would happen like I didn't care if grabbed my boobs, was all just idk jokes.

Even busy fucking curiosity me stoned asking, well how big is it????? Oh fuck that's what happend that night he was here (when I was in my ldr) we almost banged. (I'm like you just want me more now cause I'm taken!) We was wasted......

But ya he had me in a position where I was laying on the bed him standing up, just grrrrr. Guess dry fucking lmfao. I remember wanting it sooo bad LIKE NO NO HES A FRIEND AND YOU HAVE A MAN NOW (tho really i don't count that anymore as boyfriend, just someone I used to FaceTime alot lolol but at the time it felt like cheating)

That fucker, once again building that damn sexual vibe AHHHHHH.

I don't think we hung out for awhile after that. I was mad at him lol trying to get with me all of sudden.

Anywho anywho, ldr died, time went on we haven't seen eachother in awhile. I missed him and wanted him as my friend again. Tho everyone told me not to, that he just uses me and stuff whatever idk. Didn't care. I did but gr.

Like something about that boy had me like a magnet towards him.

Back to the day I first got high on jib. Which IM MAD CAUSE I READ SHIT WRONG. Or idk. Anywho. Talked all night long. Snuggling and stuff. By morning, I said this story before, I let him have me lol. Like why torture myself man. Sex sex sex.

Shit he confuses this idk why. I have a shit and good memory. He likes to say I came to him first. No. We banged at mine first doofus. Then I wanted to see ya again is how I ended up going to his and rest is history of fucking bs confusing ahhhhhhhh.

Bruh anyway before we even banged asked if loved him.... awkward ass question. Like idk..... and I was scared of commitment and shit and it was a weird conversation. I can't say I love you rn?

Smh by the time he left. He stopped looked at me. Don't get attached. I was like bruh wtf?

Idk one of those days he was at mine..... I was all over him, I made it clear I wanted more. he didn't. Was frustrating af. Cause ya I was scared to date but I was sick of hook ups and men that were unavailable saying I was to good for them.

So it's like really again.... but I my dumbass was like I ain't raising my number again. Noone else to bang, he re woken the sexual beast LMFAO so let's keep this ride going I guess .

Which fuck me. Was great for the most part except I turned into a jib head.... we just smoke and hide in his room alllll daaaay. Gaming, Journaling, coloring, me talking alllll the time, making videos, this is where I got in to tumblr when I forgot my journal one day, and I discovered how to make gifs 😉

So I'd make him gifs hehe. Anyways you lucky bastards that followed me..... got all those gifs hahaha when me and him stopped talking. Or well just idk.. just bestfriends. I was like fuck it I'll share my gifs here where they feel appreciated lol he not my man.

Then welcome to the hoeboe blog! Which is crazy cause nows it my bipolar blog diary thingy hahahaha

Yeah yeah yeah man. Anyway I think yall know the rest of our love story. He was wanting me when shit was just TO LATE! EMOTIONAL TORTURE falling for someone who didn't wanna date you smh. You fucker made me fall for you.

Oh we had a fight recently where he said the same to me, I got him to fall for me and made him catch feelings. good. I love you.

Like I don't think he derseved me... this girl cracked out said he didn't deserve me lmao I'm like yeah I know..... but fuck man life's short..

The heart wants what the heart wants. ☠️

Man. Do I trust him? I'm bipolar I don't trust anyone really. My suspicions kill me inside everyday. Haha

Funny. We don't have eachother on any social media but messenger..... but I kind of like it that way. Keeps me from ever hitting stalker mode lol your business is yours unless you wanna share it with me. Bruh I seen Samantha notification pop up as I watching you play on your iPad. My head like WHOSE THE BITCH. Then it like nah.....

To grown for that shit. Unless I fuckin bust him with concrete proof yenno.... whatever then.

Just lemme enjoy having someone for once and ignore any paranoia or suspicions. Plus fuck man you NEED TO TRUST to start a relationship silly to go into one and just be like whose this bitch instantly, you cheating eh?

I will trust till he proves not to. Tho I know he's a pro liar eh eh. He knows I'm a good manipulator. Soo hmph.

Back to like guy can talk to whoever whatever. Just don't DAMN FLIRT YOUR MINEEEE. Like I have my guy friends I talk to.

Holy shiet before our month apart we were here getting fucked up. I had Randoms from whisper on my snap. He was like kinda losing it next to me. So I was telling someone about it and leaned over hiding me text. He was like IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND all mad and jealous lmfao and then denied it next day saying I no care. You like me and are jello, heheh.

Omg new post this long. Whaaat I talk to much.

Oh yeah.... hrmph I won't be insanely jealous quit yet. I mean. I have reasons not to be either lol. Hehehehe

[t4tpolypd]

i dreamt about you last night. I dreamt we were still friends, but still fighting. But i ignored that so i could tell you about how shit things had been lately. How I’m losing even more of my friends. Why does this keep happening? Why do the people i love always turn out to be terrible people? Sometimes i think i should just give up. The thought is more and more enticing. I’m still there. I know i should leave. But i guess it’s the sunk cost fallacy, you know? Three fucking years. That’s the longest I’ve ever been friends with someone, you know. I don’t wanna lose it. I don’t want to have to start over again. But i can’t ignore what they’ve said, cause holy shit, that’s not okay. It’s so hard to make friends. I thought these ones would last, Jesus Christ. I’m not leaving because I’m worried about him. Even if he’s told me he hates me and i need to fuck off im worried about him because everyone else in his life is telling him this is okay. He hates me because im the one that’s actually concerned about the things he’s saying. I don’t know. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. Not anymore, hah. I don’t want to be an annoying sad bitch who’s always moping about something or other and talking about how i want to kill myself. I’ve got three people i trust. Three people who I *know* are my friends. I’m so tired. I’m so god damn tired. Things keep going downhill. They’re supposed to be looking up, finally, but they aren’t. I’m like a snowball rolling down a never ending hill and my problems keep getting worse. I don’t want to lose my friends again, but i can’t ignore what they’ve said. I don’t know what to fucking do man. I’m not good at coping. Hell, the way i used to fucking cope was by assuming an entirely different identity for a week until i figured out how to handle it. Haha, hi, yeah, I’m fictional man from fictional show, because i can’t deal with my god damn problems. It’s tempting but it doesn’t feel right. I’m not going to kill myself. As much as i want to, I’m not going to. I’m scared of what will happen after. Realistically, I’ve got a lot to live for too. I’m always on about how being alive is a gift in itself. Life’s a miracle and shit. I still believe that. As much as i want to die right now i still believe that. I keep looking at that stupid little icon and i just. I was supposed to start a dnd campaign. Among other shit. No ones gonna read this, so i guess it doesn’t really matter what i say. I’m saying it anyway. I just need something. Something to fucking hold onto cause everything else keeps leaving me. Slips through my hands like fucking sand. It’s like trying to grab a cloud. It looks fluffy, and tangible, but you can’t really grab a cloud cause it’s a gas, yknow? I feel gross. I need to take a bath. I don’t miss you. I miss what i thought you were. But you never were that. I don’t know why i went back to you after you threatened to kill me and all my friends and screamed awful things at me. I don’t know why i thought you’d changed. Maybe it was the stupid love i hung onto for you. But you never were who i thought you were. Hah. I could say that about so many people I’ve loved. Jesus Christ. I keep losing people. They keep turning out to suck. To have abused me, or groomed me, or have told my problems to someone else and called me disgusting and gave out my fucking discord information so someone could tell me to kill myself. Loving you was a mistake. And the you there is vague for a reason, cause i could say that about so many god damn fucking people it’s not even funny. I just need to get my thoughts out. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I don’t deserve this, do I? I know I’ve been a bad person in the past. I can’t deny that. But i was 13 when i did all that shit. I’m different now. Do i really deserve this? Am i still bad? Don’t answer that. I know I’m still bad. But I’m better. I wouldn’t call myself a bad person. But i do bad things sometimes. I can’t hold myself back sometimes. That’s rarer now.

Hah. ‘The text block is maxed out.’ Jesus. Whatever. I thought they were my friends. But this isn’t some ‘i like my little pony and you think it’s kinda Lame’ shit, this is ‘i think pedophilia is bad, actually,’ and then I’m being called an asshole for it. ‘Don’t you believe in redemption?’ Yeah, i believe in fucking redemption, Lonep, but this is fundamentally a different situation than that. He groomed him. He could do it again, and he’s still just a fucking child you idiot. I get it. I get that he misses his dad, but his dad is not a good person, no matter how much it seems like he’s “gotten his life together.” He got a job. Sure. But he still fucking preyed on children you absolute idiot. He’s being ‘really nice’ to him, and that’s god damn concerning. Do you not know what grooming is? I do. I fucking do. I should have been more careful and polite with my wording. But i had to get it beat into my head before i realised i was being groomed or abused or any of that shit. I don’t know. I wanted to help. And i don’t have a fucking savior complex, asshole, go shove it up yours, i just fucking care about people. It’s called having fucking empathy you stupid bitch. No ones going to read this. It’s going to get buried and no one’s going to find it unless i send it to someone like a pathetic loser or maybe years down the line i get famous and people want to find dirt on me and use the wayback machine and find all the posts I’ve made. If that’s you right now, find the shit i posted years ago cause that’s where you’ll find the real damn dirt. This is just me being a sad little bitch. God. I’m so angry. I’m so tired. I just want friends. Why does it always turn out this way

[kusundei]

genuinelywhy does the worst shit have to happen to me when im already tweaking

like no i knew. i knew the conversation from yesterday w ellis wasnt enough. knew in my heart yet i ignored jt and chose to be happy. joyous because gof forbid all i know is doom and gloom. its just.? why? whyyyy is this still a problem?

i dont even care. i dont know why i keep bothering over and over again i know ill have to fold eventually im fighting a losing battle. “i need you to be honest with me” and then you lash me and use it against me when you get the honest truth. i. dont. want. to. go. on. birth. control. period

like? how hard is that? to understand? you bring up the shit i said ab the abortion like sorry??? what happened to my body my choice?,??? and god forbid she starts fucking implanting it into me herself because no im still jer kid. live under this roof she will make every decision. its fine i dont care at this point i dont know why im still fighting. i cant take the easy way out anymore its just sofrustrating? i feel fucking awful. again. god forbid i told her the reason i sont wanna go on birth control is mostly a mental health thing and she lashes me about how im not okay then. “everyone is depressed you think you have it any harder than the rest of us?” like did i fucking say that? itolf you i dont take medication anymore (cause of you) and also just because im choosing to deal with it naturally ajd i get lashed for even getting affected by things. like its just. why. did we.? have to talk about that? and you keep patronizing me over and over and over again and how i never do anythging right . god forbid i wish you could focus for once in your life oncthe smaller things because i am. trying. ive always tried. you just dont notice when its at par to your demand and also when i go back. i get lashed

its just heaaarring you complain ab the showering again is so. ugh. like. i told you i dont have an answer. its a habit? i suppose? but noooo. “ive told you this over and over. i dont want to hear the excuse of ‘its a habit’ because if you wanted to change you would’ve already” like are you hearing yourself??? do you want to apply that to yourself? jonathan maybe? but no im kind. theyre taking the door agajn i suppose and i dont fucking care jts fine. she knew i was getting upset because she started mocking me. i hate when people do that. when people act like im sofucking dumb. and she knows it and does it to get under my skin because she knows how easily she can and i wont ever do anythjnf about it. i just .? imso? upset? i guess? im upset but im also not. imjust so.? tired?

tired of fighting overr and over again. tired of this but maybe its what i get??? i am selfish. she has told me this shit over and over and i dont really change. i do but not enough i guess its just. i cant win. im stuck in that cycle and im trying sooo hard to not acknowledge it. but no it really will haunt me i suppose? stuck and bound to this life? bound to repeat the cycle of hurting over and over again??? i think im so weird right now because i feel so torn. i wanna be sad and i want to cry and be frustrated because i feel it but i also dont want to. or at least i cant? ill always give you the benefit of the doubt. maybe i am just frustrating. no because what you said??? “you wonder why im upset all the time? think about how i feel about you” and its just. ugh. i cant even try to back mtself up because i do feel bad. i feel bad but im also upset and i hate it because i feel so dumb to feel anything at all. im trying not to upset you and ive done it for so long i try to be small i try to not take up space i try to be understanding and helpful but it is. never. ever. enough. and mayhe its just me truly not trying

just. god. i cant. if i end up truly on birth control who cares at this point. theres no guarantee ill get worse but at this point i think ab it and maybe i aalllreaddyy am. but maybe thats the lack of sleep doomed evil sam talking. its weird because honestly the one main fear i have w the birth control is weight gain and that says enough does it not.? i cant eat. havent eaten. tried to eat earlier cuz sav was lashing me and i ate that one??? slice of pizza and i felt so sick after and i still do. not eating well. my pants today kept slipping and iiii know why. last time i checked i hit 141 i think and i dont think id be shocked if ive hit the 130s now. its concerning but also maybe im enabling myself a tad. its fine im not ill i just. am acting like it. but im not

iiii. just wanna talk to ajax maybe. reminds me of last night when i was so tired and delirious and just rambling but i sidnt feel bad because that wasnt affecting me in the moment. i dontknow if i can truly just tell him something like this while its happening because i cant shake that awful feeling ? im tryinggg but its hard. theyre taking the door off the hinge as i type and immm just getting more. evil. but i wont cry i wont show it im fine. tweakish but ill live. i do it to myself anyway the only person who can save me is me ^_^ but even thats hard

if its meant to be then it will be chat. if god so chooses to make me this way then maybe jts bound to happen. maybe hes lashing me because ive been evil lately or something. ive been happier but also all my tweaks have been worse than theyve been in a while and amybe thags what jt is. repenting cause im happy too much. hell even my mom acknowledges it all the time when im happy. wont ever stop being patronized. i just feel. doomed. again. i feel bad but i cant explain which way i do. just bad. heavy. evil. but ill liveee i always do. ill try and sleep a little earlier tonight since i know im probably tweaking as bad as i am because of the lack of sleep as always. but imfine ill. lock in a bit and text him maybe. or i wont and ill repent a little more and then get my phone taken away bht ill try to see the light and live. just have everything playing in my head overand over and over. its allll just so much but its fine illcope i alllwaaays do

[ladyfanatics]

it's been a while. man, i was wondering when I'd stop posting on here. it started feeling like a chore instead of being stress-free. anyway, im back at school, my mom half knows abt my ex, cuz yes i told her and i broke up with him. yes, he's still texting me through someone, yes it's annoying. yes I've blocked him everywhere. now that I think abt it, I should change all my passwords. yes I have a new crush, again. yes, my hair is still blond. yes, I'm anxious abt him finding me or smth. . #paranoidtings 🧏🏻‍♀️ so, I guess I should update yall on the other dude I liked, Kyle. welp, in simple terms, I gave up. too many girls liked him, but he also did something that irked me enough to stop speaking to him. which is sad, but the fact I, the ugly bitch, got this far, is mighty impressive. anyways, he texted me abt this girl I know, and it made me jealous and I decided that that was enough. i haven't entirely stopped liking him, but I have feelings for a new dude. it's not exactly feelings, but DAAAAYUM he's fine. let's call him Michy. he's just sooo. but I have my doubts that he's a whore too. just like Kyle, I sit next to him in class. last class I had with him made me imagine having his babies tbh. he laughs at everything I do, I'm not even exaggerating. i typed my email wrong and complained that it wouldn't log me in, and he burst out laughing. then he started playing papa pizzeria, and I had told him that I had never played the game. he said I had no life, and laughed when I couldn't slide the pizza all the way. dammmnnn yall.. he's tan, curly headed, and lowkey looks asian. whatever, let's get into my ex and why he pisses me off. he won't leave me alone. he keeps texting me. im TRYING to go no contact, but he's LITERALLY not letting me. it's so ..ugh. the more I look back, the more I realize how weird our relationship truly was. for exemple, he always needed to mention my backside. I have a voluptuous ass for a skinny girl, I know. it's been brought up THOUSANDS of times, I GET IT. he had given me this weird nicknames that literally REVOLVED around it. "sexy lady with a level 4 gyatt"... without mentioning how cringe that is, wth?? seriously? ew. when I brought up that I had never showed it to him, he brought up the time I had wore leggings on call. he said that he "couldn't help but look". like what? he's creeping me out generally. honestly if I end up dead somewhere, it'll be his fault. also, he wouldn't let me break up with him. he tried to make me promise I'd wait for him, I said no. this isn't mlp. that's not how relationships even work. i tried to break up multiple times over the span of 2 WEEKS. that's INSANE?? I also was worried he'd do something, so I made him promise he wouldn't, and asked his best friend to watch over him. I think that's pretty good. im not a good girlfriend, at first, I felt bad for him. but after the 5th time trying to break up, you start getting annoyed. ig that's my life now. it sucks. im still friends with my bff. ppl have asked me multiple times to go back to the gc. I've said no or avoided it entirely. i NEVER wanna go back. I HATE that gc and the majority of everyone in it. I haven't spoken in there since 31st December or January 1st, which is cool, since I had been in it since July 😀. it felt so good to ghost everyone. trust me, ghost everyone, you'll be free. this year I'm protecting the FUCK out of my peace. enough of letting ppl walk over me. esp boys. so yeah, that's my resolution ig. im proud of myself for trying in the first place. anyways, tomorrow i have that class with michy. that's if he's even there. he probs won't be, but wtv. if he is, maybe I'll tell you, or maybe I'll disappear AGAIN 😝😝 anyways, that's my life yall. it's been.. special. I've probably left out a lot, but it's so much and this log is big enough

[floradewdrop]

personal - dec 30, 23

i’ve legit stopped reaching out to anyone bc i have to schedule time two weeks or a month in advance

this isn’t to say they’re shit or doing a bad job, like fuck that they’re great friends, it’s not their fault. i just need to make that clear before i proceed for myself _ it’s just capitalism and what it takes from us. if you read this u know who u r, i promise i love u and it’s not about you or anything. i’m just pissed at y’all having to be slaves to working until you die.

but unfortunately with my mental illnesses, my isolation and insecurity has be believing , i truly don’t feel anyone wants to drop things for me anymore, and that sounds so selfish and petty and i suppose it is. but then when i think about how much i want to reach out and just ask for physical support it has to be scheduled. emotional support can only go so far and it’s starting to suck more and more that i’ve literally just stopped looking at my phone bc it makes me so sad that id really love a supportive community to be there for me but it isn’t like i need, and im so selfish for saying that i hate it. i hate that i doubt this delusional shit in my head i just wish my brain could be like,,, chill about something suddenly happening without thinking the world is going to end, what im going to do, how do i reshape my life around this

but then my therapists tell me it’s natural to want that and to be desperate for it when i’m lonely like this, to validate the suffering because it’s real and happening even if it’s to none of my friends’ direct fault,

but then i also don’t have family to lean on.

my reach of contact is one of my therapists and it helps a lil bit it’s just a text and nothing personal like a friend can say or offer, so i ask friends for good vibes, but i feel so crap about myself i think they think im such a nuisance bc i need to much support and that i ask too much of them

i got ghosted this past week asking for physical support after they offered it and i got ghosted - it was a communication error that they didn’t get my text (even though it says delivered) and they were the last friend i though could offer some physical support bc they live closer , even tho it was a miscommunication it still sucks to be waiting around on my phone all day waiting for them to keep their word and didn’t

i’m really glad my therapists are upping my care this coming year, because i’m unfortunately too incapable / disabled to lead a capitalist life. you’d think it would be super cool but when i can’t even get two days in a row to be consistent enough over a decade now but it’s actually fucking not - to live disabled is to live in constant pain and just fucking doubt in myself of ever leading a life that isn’t servitude to my parents or gvnt for money, but that struggle isn’t too different from the average american anyways, disability or not, it’s just shit here.

i can’t believe it’s been a fucking decade and i’m still living day to day mentally and have lost more “friends” in my life than have gained in support and im still crippled by the tiniest infractions in my day.

fucking everything i’m diagnosed with, just fuck them all. i know capitalism sucks, but i don’t think some ppl realize how desperately i wish i could at least get my own job to pay my own life’s way, but i cant. (maybe one day? but a long time from now)

i can’t believe i’m in my 30s and having to have my therapists talk privately to my parents on what’s going on and their future plan for me (to which i’m expecting a catastrophic response tbqh)

i am glad i’m not at a point in my life where SH or sui*de are not part of my daily rotation, so i know growth has been made, so it’s a weird feeling to know i’ll survive but also sucks that i’ll survive bc life is hard. apart from social neglect and isolation those are things that can be remedied, i think over time,

BUT BOY DOES IT FUCKING SUCK IN THE MOMENT LIKE THIS MOMENT JFC IT SUCKS I WANNA SUCK JOY OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I WANNA SCREAM AND CRY

it’s honestly stemmed from my family’s decision to not give a fuck about me around my bday this past year, and just cascaded into everything else while they continued to compact more stress and, unfortunately, burned my bridge completely for them this year and for the foreseeable future. to have the best xmas i’ve ever had last year full of support and wonder, to this year full rejection of who i am (which is why i spent xmas alone )

but i truly wish i was invited out to things and holidays to be included, but can’t be a burden bc how dare i think anyone should include me, so i decline because im not worthy.

my therapists say if things get the green from my parents come next month then things will be changing in my care and i so hope and wish for that to happen. they’ve been every stumbling block so i’m not hoping too highly unu

i watched a small like q&a with some furries (i know how it sounds) but honestly im not into a full suit but i’ve always loved fox ears and tail, thanks to gaia, and their community seems so welcoming and supportive. i don’t know anything about that world except most media and a few good words here and there but after this vid i watched im gonna do more research. i know this sounds harsh, but bc of the internet i didn’t really know that its not as sexual as the internet makes it, they just like to have fun and dress up and escape , like dnd. honestly the first time in months ive felt excited about maybe joining a new community, and although i feel cringe for the fandom, educating myself was important to get the misinformation out of the way for me to be like “oh, yeah i just think it’s cute! im not attracted to any furries or animals, but i think its fun and cute to play and cosplay!” always have, so i guess its me getting over my embarrassment of it idk - ppl just really wanna have fun and be silly and make others happy, even if its a costume like an animal. its creative af tbh,

all that to say i’m lonely now and it hurts so bad right now. i don’t even want a SO lmfao, i’m far from wanting anything like that, but just more friends who have more time. i honestly don’t even think it’s possible in america bc of our work grind culture, but i have to hope that over time maybe it gets easier on everyone idk

i’m just hoping and wanting friends and social interaction a lot and my disabilities are such a catalyst for it

jffiekgirorogorofogk it’s 3AM shit post man i haven’t shit post or blog posted on here in years like this , feels good. feels right. all my dirty laundry on the most worst trusted social media platform that somehow never sinks. LMFAO

wow i’m really fucking autistic LMFAO just thinking about how much this also reflects poorly on my routine habits and trying to gain stability in that, when it doesn’t happen my day is just gone and i’m in a brain fog of not understanding and trying to figure out social queues and if i did something wrong

okay, i feel a bit better. good vent session meggie LOL okay time to try to sleep and wind down i hope - even though im amped on ptsd dreams and avoiding sleep to not wake up 3 times having to change sweaty clothes

tomorrow,,, i buy something nice for myself. maybe a crystal.

[hexitca]

My relationship with social media

So I've done mini breaks from all social media/limited my social media use to like 10 mins and I've been both successful and not successful (depending on how bad my mood was and what distractions I needed to stop thinking about the thing that was upsetting me lol

More rambling under read more~

but I want to get back into learning to draw and make art! I want to interact more with people! But it seems like social media is becoming so much harder to do any of that.

Twitter is dying (and I just read something about it mining your data for AI shit so I REALLY DON'T wanna even be on there to lurk anymore)

Tumblr is....honestly I have no clue. It seems to be doing shit that is trying to be the new Twitter but also just making stupid choices for the sake of??? being stupid bc I KNOW no one asked for half the shit they keep changing on tumblr. I understand that it needs to make money etc etc but can you pls be smart and not break the site??

I don't fuck with FB, Insta, etc I just don't.

I have a Pillowfort but idk maybe I'll move over there. I think bc I still use Tumblr I'm not fully on there yet but if Tumblr continues to be an ass in the next 5 years I might.

Idk as I navigate my life in the next year or so, I just don't see any desire to be on Social Media of any kind. I doubt I'll leave fully but man...idk something has got to change for me to even think of continuing on with any social media. Maybe bc I'm getting older now. I still love fandoms and the art I see and I want to do MORE than lurk but idk. I just hate hearing update after update of them stealing our info and all these restrictions like fuck you I'll just leave?! but then I get sad that I lose any connections I've made with the people I've interacted with. I might not talk a lot bc im a shy bitch but dammit I care about these people on a certain level. I don't want to lose that.

Idk, I've just been thinking about this all summer and how to navigate my relationship with it. Since losing my job i've used it more as a crutch but as I (hopefully) pass this test and start my path to teaching, I still want to enjoy it from time to time. I just get really bitter when I think back to when I was on other social media sites as a teen and think back to the type of freedom on there vs now. THAT'S NOT TO IGNORE ALL THE FUCKED UP SHIT THAT SHOWED UP but idk there had to be a better way than screwing over all the artists that might have drawn nsfw or even suggestive art. But also there is twitter and it's whole algorithm that fucks with artists as well. I never got into extreme shit but ive heard others have and regulations were barely there. But damn...how it is now kinda sucks also.

I kinda miss places like deviantart (im talking early 2000s idk what happened at a certain point lol) or Mibba (a writing forum blog site) or Quizilla. I miss that atmosphere of "social media". Maybe I'm being a little emotional and nostalgia is getting to me but i do know im really sick of everything that is now web 2.0.

[keefwho]

May 14 - 2023

10:33 PM

This evening is very lonely, no friends or streams to keep my occupied. I dread tomorrow like usual and don’t know what to do with myself until bedtime. It’s hard to relax which sucks. I don’t want to spend a night stressing just to wake up and have to stress over commissions. Just one of those nights though I guess. 

Im also starting to sink into that sulking mindset. Pitying myself for not being enough and feeling jealous about all the things my friends do that I can’t. I feel left behind. As shitty as I feel hopefully I can be strong and put in the effort to be who I wanna be tomorrow. 

10:54 PM

Tonight is just gonna suck and I gotta accept it. Lonely, depressing, whatever. It is what it is and it probably won’t change. 

I feel so strongly that I’ve fallen off as an artist and keep failing to pick myself back up in the way that I want. I don’t prioritize canon character drawings as much as I should. Things that would benefit more people and bring in more attention. I don’t draw enough of my own ideas in general and I’m too afraid to explore new things. I have been for so long. I feel like I used to be so much more creative and daring. Now I’m backed into a corner where I do the same things over and over. And I’m spread thin considering how much 3d work I do now, and that stuff feels like a total waste of time given how much effort goes into it and it bring in no income. Sure it’s fun, I actually like doing it and that can’t be understated. But I know how I am with fun things. They all seem like a waste of time until I can figure out how to treat myself better. 

11:19 PM

Im just sitting by myself in Sky and watching Bluey tonight. 

Sometimes I’m just sad, and very angry. Angry at all the things I can’t control and all the ways I’ve been mistreated by others and by life in general. Tonight I just want to be upset and get it all out. I know I’ll pick myself back up and be strong again, I have to because I have a lot of work to do. But right now I feel indescribable upsetness. I curse everything that bogs me down and makes life shittier. I curse myself for not being able to handle it sometimes. I hate everything right now. 

Have a cry, pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. 

12:40 AM

Why the FUCK is it so late. 

Also of course the only streamer I almost kinda like that I was gonna fall asleep with starts playing the most dogshit game that I do not want to be tuned in for. The night is ruined. I know nothing but despair. I AM ALONE NOW. I just wanted to be cozy, damn. 

[trans-luis-serra-navarro]

OUGH MY GOD????????? YOU DESCRIBE MY EXACT THOUGHTS SO LERFECTLY IM GONNA BITE YOU

LIKE FUCJ YEAH ISNT IT DEVASTATING TO THINK ABT THE FACT THAT MENDEZ WAS PEOBABLY A FRIEND OF LUIS AND HIS GRABDFATHER?????????? ISNT IT SO SAD TO RHINK THAT WHEN HIS GRABDFATHER WAS AWAY HE WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY OTHER PARENTAL FIGURE IN HIS LIFE??????? THAT HE ENCOURAGED LUIS’ FANTASIES OVER DON QUIXOTE THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY DEFINE HIS LIFE???????????????? HEAD IN H A N D S

((Also kind of off topic but on topic. Luis is Like. DEFINITELY autistic or has adhd right. We all agree on that right. Right))

Like he bases his ENTIRE ideals on Don Quixote- or at least, the version he has of it in his head (it’s probably safe to assume baby Luis didn’t get the nuance of the book and didn’t figure out that it was supposed to be sature and he took the message literally (I wanna delve more into that in another post sometime later BXBSHENDJS)) and it STARTED WITH HIS GRANDFATHER AND BITOREZ ONLY FOR BITOREZ RO TURN EVIL!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the fucking GUILT Luis holds in him even if he had nothing to do with it like you said?????? (Also @greasedcowboy made an INCREDIBLE fic going into this I highly reccomend it!!!!!!!!)

AND OH MY GOD YES YES YES YES YES?????????? I made a post a whole back when seperate ways first came out but there’s a SPLIT SECOND where we see Luis HESITATE to help Ada- he WANTS to fall back into that pattern of running away because that’s what he’s used to BUT HE DOESNT. HE STAYS AND HELPS ADA BECAUSE THATS THE RIGHT RHING TO DO. HE ONLY LEAVES HER WHEN SHE INISTSS HE GOES AND SAVES HIS BOYFRIEND DHSBDHENDHDNDND

ALSO OH MY GOD???????????????? I DIDNT EVEN DUCKING THINK ABOUTBTHAT???????????? IM SHAKING LIKE A CHIHUAHUA YOUR BRAIN IS SO MASSIVE AND BIG I AM GOING TK GRAB YOU AND SHAKE YOU SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO VIOLENTLY

Luis is a SHOCKINGLY good marksman?????? Like he PROBABLY learnt that from his grandfather???????? But it especially shows when he AIMS FOE A KILLIMG BLOW ON KRAUSER even though he has been SO ANTI KILLIMG at this point he does it because he CARES ABOUT LEON SO MICH!!!!!!!!!! He even stops to do the sign of the cross whenever he kills the Ganados (which, again, are people he’s probably grown up with!!!!!!)

And ofc other people have mentioned it but the PARALELLS between Keauser and Luis make me GO INSANE like,,,,,,, I’m still trying to find the og post of where somebody mentions it to put on this blog but Krauser changes for the WORST when he turns evil meanwhile Luis changed for the BETTER yet keauser STILL KILLS LUIS ITS SO DEVASTATING,,,,, AND AGAIN YOUR RIGHT KRAUSERS WRONG BEVAUSE LOVING AND CARING FOR OTHERS IS ALWAYS BETTER RHAN HATING ITHERS (also SPEEEAKING of that knives line, @hamartia-grander has a GREAT post going into the paralells between Ada and Luis I can’t reccomend it enough,,,,,

BUT ALSO FUCK THAT GETS ME SO BAD AGSNWHENDHCNXUXJXJS HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT ASHLEY HES ALWAYS S O KIND TO HER I DONT SEE PEOPLE RALKING ABT IT ENOUGH?????????? AND THE WAY YOU PUT IT OH MY GOD IVE NEVER THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE HIS CYCLE CONTINUES BUT HE CAN STILL STOP IT,,,,;,, and also little things like the way he always asks before touching her or thinking about her first????? OH MY HEART MY POOR SAD HEART

But god yes,,,,,,, the way he holds Don Quixote so near and dear to his heart and uses those ideals- even if they were flawed in the original text- to help him get along in life is just. ITS SO ADMIRABLE ANS RELATABLE. And ofc it’s speaks to his character too; he WANTS to do good but he keeps fucking up, just like how he WANTS to believe Don Quixote was a chivalrous hero but in actuality he was kind of an asshole in the book is just,,,,,,, o u g h

AND THEN HE MEETS LEON,,,, WHO IS LIKE,,,,,, HIS REAL-LIFE DON QUIXOTE,,,,,,,, NOT THE FAKE VERSION HES IMAGINED HIMSELD TO BE; THE REAL, GOOD, KIND HEARTED KNIGHT HES BEEN WAITING FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE,,,,, MY HEART OUGHHH-

And that last part- that last part oh my god dude you’re gonna kill me holy crap- we all make mistakes. We all fuck up. Big time. And we all wanna give up at some point- but we all wanna be forgiven. It’s an inate, human experience to have hope in the face of darkness. We all want a shoulder to lean on and we all wanna keep going. That’s what makes Luis so beautiful to me; he’s not black and white, he’s HUMAN. He shows the inate best and worst parts of humanity and he continues choosing to do good right until the very end.

He holds onto those Don Quixote ideals that have shaped him so throughly right until his very moments; then Leon confirms for him that, yes, he WAS a fine knight. He WAS capable of change and love even when nobody would give that to him.

We can ALL change and we all deserve to love and be loved. We’re all human and we all make mistakes but we can all find people who mean the world to us and can be our knights in shining armour.

He broke the cycle of self destruction he put upon himself and he found people who loved and cared for him- even if only for a short while

Luis gave up his LIFE for Leon. For Ashley and for Ada. He truly was the secret hero of the whole game; if it wasn’t for his actions, the fact that he changed and helped Leon and gave him the key to the lab, the whole world would’ve been destroyed.

And what does that make him?

A fine knight

Man isn’t it so silly and goofy that fire has been a constant destructive pattern in Luis’ life yet he still continuously plays with in between his fingers every day.

Isn’t it so funny that fire has consistently destroyed almost everything he loves yet he still carry’s around a lighter and plays with it on the regular like it’s nothing.

Isn’t it just super goofy that Luis would continuously smoke and slowly destroy his lungs even though his key and defining character trait is hope and the urge to live and do good and change. Isn’t it wild that he has a habit like that that he just can’t shake even though he wants nothing more in life than to change.

Isn’t it wild that Luis keeps doing things that destroy him out of habit or unintentionally- umbrella, Los Illuminados etc- yet he still holds a sentimental place in his heart for his umbrella coworkers and his village etc etc etc. Isn’t that so silly.

Isn’t it just so silly that even when the world has turned his back on him and even when by all means he should be bitter and numb he still chooses to love. Isn’t it just super ridiculous that Luis continuously chooses hope and change and goodness and continuously makes the effort to help save Ada and Leon and Ashley even when it risks his own survival and safety.

Isn’t it crazy how he keeps doing things that destroy him not just out of habit but because he knows it’s the right thing to do.

Isn’t it so silly and goofy that Luis still continues to play with fire in a lighter even though fire has taken everything he loves from him. Yeah. Totally crazy