#im just exhausted and cry at everything now

[flannelstains]

𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚢. 𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚢 : 𝚒.

⊰ okay, so wow. now i’m using my tumblr page as my journal. i want you to imagine me as a middle schooler holding a pencil in my grimy little hands, rambling about my day as if i’m in a disney show, scribbling in a shopkins diary with a lock on it and one of those little metal keys.

i don’t want to vent, but in a way i want to be able to express my feelings along my shifting journey. the good and the bad. not the constant motivational posts that make you sick they’re so corny and sweet.

recently, i’ve began to actually post on here, gaining more confidence in my abilities, handing out advice as if i’m dealing cards to people in a game of stupid crazy eights, on old cards i’ve had since i was five, and lots of them have bite marks and crayon scribbles on them.

and in all honesty, i’m doing that to myself feel better— to make myself feel worthy.

in all of my shifting journey, i have never once had the thought of; ‘i can’t do this’. i always knew that at some point in my little life that i would be experiencing what i wrote down in my scripts that i attempt to make aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

but recently, i’ve been seeing people say how easy shifting it, and how they just roll over and fall asleep and have already switched their consciousness to their ideal reality— kudos to them.

even me, myself, and i, have shifted for a few minutes all together, twice, using the most dumbest ‘method’— if you’d call it that— to experience my desired reality in the 3d.

and even since getting on tumblr about a year ago, i have seen eye opening things, understanding shifting to extent that i didn’t even think was possible. i have made the most progress i’ve ever made in my entire almost six years of shifting.

shit, i shifted about a week ago. but the thing is, im only experiencing my reality for mere minutes, and it frustrates me to no end. i feel almost as if i physically can’t commit to shifting.

i’ve been so unbelievably positive for the past three months, but i’m getting burnt out. i use to see everything as a sign, and re affirm that i’m constantly shifting, and no attempt is a failed one— but it’s hard. so unbelievably hard for me.

for a long period of time i was so sure that every time i woke up i would be where i wanted to be. and even when i woke up here, i would see that as a sign i was closer— but this starry eyed persona didn’t last long.

every night i would scroll tumblr, and just know i was going to shift, but now? now i see me going to lay down, affirming and almost crying during the process, waking up here, and having to go day to day and try to keep a weak smile on my face ( cue hallways scene in the substance ).

but i feel exhausted. i don’t want to take a break, i’ve done that before, and it only makes it harder for me to push myself back into shifting again because i feel as if it’s a one sided relationship with no reciprocation— unrequited love.

and i know that mindset isn’t good, and i need to let go, but i almost fear not being able to shift. i know i need to fake it before i make it and just gaslight— blah blah blah. it’s frustrating.

i just want to be there, and i try to use my desperation to my advantage, but i just don’t feel good enough in a way, as if there isn’t anything else i can physically do to get myself to switch myself over to my ideal reality.

i feel like i’m scavenging for water in a desert— dehydrated, stranded on a boat on the ocean. and there are solutions, making filters, cracking open cacti or whatever, but i just feel like i’m making shifting a chore. a toxic relationship that all your friends beg you to leave.

okay, that’s all for now. thanks for listening to my rant, my little crisis after i’ve just posted a few motivational and advice posts lmao.

[x3daffo]

ive been a super weird super tired emotional wreck lately and i genuinely cant tell why

[microtyalm13]

everything about Gavriil feels suffocating.

how his presence alone can be almost overwhelming, how his massive body cages you everytime without a chance to escape. you wouldn't dare to try anyway, knowing that you don't even have a say against a creature of his caliber. he will find you. in your dreams, in your nightmares. in your room.

how he will be intense and vague about everything just for the sake of it; to confuse you further, to see the conflict of emotions in your eyes merge with arousal. eventually your hesitance turns into acceptance, a desperate need to feel his hands all over you. and he will be oh so grateful to fulfill that desire.

how his thick tongue pushes past your lips and into your mouth, reaching almost the back of your throat, relishing in the muffled little sounds you make. your drool mixed with his saliva drips down your chin, and your hazy eyes look up at him when he finally pulls away, giving you a second to breathe.

how his hips are slamming into you relentlessly, your wetness and lack of resistance allowing him to move almost effortlessly. forced to hold onto him for dear life instead of pushing away. all of your morals and principles are being tossed out of the window every single time he comes to you. he has you where he wants you, and will not stop until he feels like you can't take it anymore.

and how in the morning he vanishes away, leaving you guessing: was it just another wet dream? but the cold stickiness between your legs tells you more than you need to know.

[duskrelyk]

I Am Unwell

[roses-and-elixir]

.

[httpiastri]

.

[coridallasmultipass]

Me, the other night: "I may be going through a fuck of a life situation, but it could always be worse if I broke a flower pot in the shower again."

Me, today, waking up with a swollen and painful mouth infection:

[ganondoodle]

seems like literally everything is trying to stress me out right now

just found out that OBS profiles dont save your scenes, like i thought, so i have accidentally deleted all my setup for art streams. cool.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[teobug]

oooh the med switching. is making me want to chew on nails. it is Not Good.

[darlinghowl]

[antarcticajoy]

I HATE being put in charge of things, but damn if my strategy didn't work so well that 28 doors were fixed in 5 hours the day before this children's hospital opens

[persaephone]

x

[nomaishuttle]

ahhh fuck my gay faggot life

[lo-cinno]

Bloody fucking hell

Vent in tags

[iridikron]

the really weird combo of doing fine but also everything being wrong and its kind of like im being chased by an invisible lion all the time