#im in HELL for real this sucks so bad
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on god i NEED to be kissed
#<< reads fanfiction while emotionally compromised like a weak bitch#im in HELL for real this sucks so bad#like not even romantically just like. blow some smoke into my mouth or something#im normal. im so normal im feeling so great rn#(<< liar!)#head in hands. category 12 autism moment i have had my hood up all day bc lights and sounds and Having Hair is bad#and everything is. so much and im feeling So many emotions and 90% of them are nostalgia based which is. so evil#sorry your boyfriend is missing the gay crush they had in middle school that ended in a firey explosion . yeah the abusive one.#sorry yeah theyve been sitting on the couch watching horror movies all day and desperately wish to be a guy covered jn blood#<< also have been feeling. MASSIVE dysphoria since last night so thats fun and has not gone away#being a guy covered in blood would fix me. being a guy with a mask for a face would fix me.#delete later#valentines day sucks so bad even though i very desperately want to enjoy it because love is real and i love pink and red and hearts n shjt#and like for the past?? 2 or 3 years i have forced myself into enjoying it and it was REALLY genuinely fun idk why this year hit me so hard#ughghghghhhhgghghhh. want 2 delete it from my brain forwver
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☆-
#can i be real w you for a second about oscar noms like. i only saw the oscars for fun and trying to predict the noms#but these years’ noms are so bad and they suck so much ass. we’re all going to hell#yess queen go off nominate the picture that ridicules mexican people from the point of view of european men#whatever man#i can’t believe david lynch will be in the in memoriam of that shitshow#DISCLAIMER I DONT HATE EVERY SINGLE NOMINATION im just super pissed they gave that movie so much. so so much
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ur supposed to get one period a month yea? not me. i'm periodmaxing. we're on the fourth month of the year and guess how many periods i've had. brother, we are solidly on no. 7
#fuck off lou#my post#i know this is bad and yes im trying to figure out why this is happening#if i wasnt anemic before i sure am now#losing more blood than a stabbing victim#how was there only four days between my last one ending#and this one starting#a damn mystery to me ill tell you that much#i want to rip my uterus out and replace it w a cd player#make better use of the space ya know#but i cant even get my tubes tied until im 23#like hell are they gonna let me throw the whole ute out#but guys. what if he sucks. like doc i kbow youre just doing your [patriarchal] job#fr. get real. he sucks. hes a bastard. he hates me and wants me dead#lemme kill him first it will be SO so funny#in other news. i may be in hell
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Watching Avatar the Last Airbender...
Politely reminded of the time people wanted my head because I said that ATLA ruined storytelling because some people can't fucking think critically of media before trying to tell you what's so good about it.
I LOVE AtLA! Adore it! But like.... A majority of people watched Zuko switch sides and said, "Damn... What if we redeemed ALL the villains?" Without realizing Zuko wasn't a true villain in need of redemption.
But... The Redemption Game isn't truly JUST the fault of AtLA... There was a shift in the Moral of the Story. Idk how to explain it bc I'm half asleep, but like...
#Steven Universe is a prime example of why Redemption isn't always the Best Idea#i also have beef with people trying to 'make the next Avatar'... You dont even understand WHY you like it!#hell#My Little Pony didn't start redeeming it's villains until it became Vogue to do so#and so#Starlight Glimmer gets a redemption she doesn't deserve (she deserves Tartarus) and is free to continue to abuse people#BUT#towards the end of the series (after it found the plot again due to assholes BEGGING for 'world bulding' that wasn't really necessary)#a fucking FIRST grader (who's crimes were definitely NOT as bad as Starlights) goes to Tartarus?#idk why people think everything needs a fully fleshed out world to exist in#maybe that was AtLA too... Except Avatar was SET UP to EXPLORE THE WORLD#shows like MLP:FiM were NOT set up for a world outside of Canterlot and Ponyville (and the one-off cities)#you dont need a fully realized world. you don't need explanations for everything!#Harry Potter ruined media too (except like... JKR also sucks ass and that sours HP but like)#idk#im rambling#i should write an essay and let it rot on my hard drive#i wish people would just accept that their favorite media isn't perfect#and I wish people would allow open discussions or criticisms without trying to fucking DOX people and threaten them#discussion can be fun!!!#it can be fun to dissect and analyze and defend media!#people are way too parasocial and overprotective of their favorite media#we need to be able to have discussions (This can be said about Real Life things but I DIGRESS)#im not fucking tagging this#bc I WILL get internet killed bc people are fucking nuts#*screaming*
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are you going to read tsc when it comes out? and, if not: would you like your acolytes to give you the important kevin day updates or would you rather not?
oh my acolytes huh! well i don’t know :) it’s so nice of you to ask and i’m very touched actually…. nice to me 🥹…. i guess any (good) kevin updates would be nice and probably sway the balance on whether i read it or not, but at first glance i probably won’t read it unless it sparks my curiosity once it’s out and the story starts making its rounds around my circles :) i’m plenty interested in the period where jean stays with the foxes but i don’t much care for the trojans nor the proposed storyline*, though even a picky reader like yours truly can be convinced into buying a story if kevin day’s in it
*by this i don’t mean that i Dislike the process of jean healing but it’s just overall not my favorite theme and, to be frank, i don’t have much interest in reading about a normal well-adjusted team either. from my view tsc is aftg without my favorite parts (namely kevin day as a main character, the foxes’ messy dynamic, problematic and controversial side characters, neil’s narration, The Mafia, andrew in general) and while i am always and forever a ride or die for jean moreau, and i am glad he’s going to get better and be happy, a lot of my feelings for him don’t really stem from the idea that there is a softness underneath all the grit but actually and sincerely the fact that he is crazy. i Love jean because he’s horrible and scared and cruel and i don’t know if i’ll care much for him once he’s out of that state :) i meant it when i said a few months ago that i would’ve been more onboard with a story about the ravens (no matter how gruesome) or even a glimpse of jean’s pov in the nest, though of course nora sakavic should probably choose to be happy every once in a while so i wouldn’t ask her to write that
so tl;dr: you can send me good and relevant kevin updates if you want to and if they’re interesting enough i might read tsc in the future
#sorryyyyyyy sorry i know Healing is a big theme for the fandom but i just dont care#i dont care for it as a broad concept and i dont care for it in the context of these characters#and i know the trojans are normal good people which is also not something i care for#though i am excited for laila and alvarez and i will be looking forward to that relationship getting discussed more#but the rest is just not for me and that’s fine#i havent kept up with nora’s writing so i don’t know what it’s like Now so who’s to say! i might just as well get hooked as soon as it drop#i might finally be able to swallow the concept of jerejean even#these are just my pre-release thoughts#i also Worry and Pine and Ache over kevin and his new arc and whatever the hell jean thinks of him#only because i know kevin getting in the way of another popular ship is not going to be fun#especially when his relationship to jean is so complicated#and i will say this im not your strongest soldier if the kevin-bashing era returns after tsc i’m leaving through where i came from#so really i don’t know :)! it might suck real bad it might be totally irrelevant and i might love it to death#its super up in the air atp#which for my autistic ass is. interesting. Hard. a change i did not want#but ultimately not a big deal and my anxieties get cured very quickly by frolicking in grass and hearing cats purr#actually thank you for asking this because i feel like i havent gotten around to really thinking this through#asks
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Books Read in 2023:
Humankind: A Hopeful History by Rutger Bregman (2019)
Luck in the Shadows by Lynn Flewelling (1996)
The Last Sun by K.D. Edwards (2018)
The Little Book of Lykke by Meik Wiking (2017)
American Cozy by Stephanie Pederson (2018)
The Queer Principles of Kit Webb by Cat Sebastian (2021)
The Conscious Closet by Elizabeth L. Cline (2019)
My Happy Marriage Vol. 1 by Akumi Agitogi (2019)
Silent Spring by Rachel Carson (1962)
[ID: Covers of the aforementioned books. End ID.]
#2023media#gigi.txt#humankind was a solid book. jsut about like... humanity being good and shit#i def def do not agree with everything that man says politically hes too liberal and if i hear the words homo puppy again i will lose my#GODDAMN mind but overall. solid.#luck in the shadows is a very good start to a gay high fantasy book series from the 90s!!! the writing was rlly good im looking forward#to the rest of the series. gotta get my hands on it wah#the last sun was. so fucking weird. bad weird. i kept sharing screenshots with my discords. do NOT rec#little book of lykke was the shocking info that if u have robust social programs and good transit and etc u will b. happier. SHOCK.#american cozy was a worse version of that just like uwu lets suck denmark's dick for a whole goddamn book#queer principles of kit webb was boring. gonna be real. it was fine it was just fucking boring.#the conscious closet was good in terms of info abt clothes and problems and shit BUT in terms of politics was so fucking capitalistic hell#i might purchase it just to reference like it was quite solid in terms of that#super loving my happy marriage. reading the manga too. mwah.#SILENT SPRING WOULD'VE CHANGED MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE IF I READ IT IN HIGH SCHOOL GO READ IT GO READ IT#MY TOP BOOK OF THIS YEAR NO QUESTION!!!!
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people are really saying FNAF was "OG Markiplier"?
Try SCP Containment breach. Or Slender. Or even Amnesia, Dark Descent.
I feel so old seeing people say that btw, and I'm 24. Lmao
#i remember when markiplier played fnaf for the first time#shit was scary as hell. the lore and the games were so mysterious and dark#i mean. they still are. but once the 4th game came out it started to get a bit stale#and i found the 4th game scary. not for long tho#i think the first 2... even 3 games were creepy asf#still think they are. i cant even bring myself to play them#i cant play horror games because i suck at them and i get scared easily#i havent watched markiplier in so long... he's changed a lot#and that's not a bad thing. pretty cool that his YT career has been successful over the years#but i cant bring myself to idolise real people again. im not like that anymore#i watch his old vids from time to time for nostalgia reasons but thats it#same with PDP... And I stopped watching him before i stopped watching mark#i feel old talking about this#it feels so long ago but it was only 12 yrs ago...#ramblings#before anyone comes at me about watching pdp i was a young impressionable teenager#when i was watching these youtubers. so forgive me#i stopped watching him for obvious reasons. like the controversial shit#and he just kinda changed and i didnt like his vids anymore so i stopped#damn there are kids these days who dont know the old markiplier memes#like 'everybody do the dinosaur' or 'poof!'#GOD I MISS IT
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about to leave a scathing review for a historical fiction book on goodreads (felt so strongly about it i made an account for the first time) then chickening out once i realised i'd put down my full name and i dont want to offend the author TOO much in case we end up working in the same field as historians
#missives#i admire her a lot too which sucks but holy shit. this book is bad its SO bad#maybe i'll post my review here just to get it out of my system#in essence its a book about a real historical figure but shes written in this way where literally all she ever does is serve men#and have babies continuously#and we're meant to believe she's fallen in love with her dropkick of a husband who does fuck all and is constantly abroad#and like. of course i can believe that's how some women were especially given their religious inclinations#but i could feel the feminism leaving my body the longer i read the book like it is that bad i felt like i was being brainwashed#it starts good like it goes into her childhood and relationship with her siblings#but then she just turns into her husband's mother essentially and its so revolting. and it doesnt even feel authentic? like#none of these people feel like real people. they dont fight they dont have nasty thoughts they are so fucking sanitised#i dont know what i expected.jpeg#and this woman is a historian!! she has a phd!!#yet she gets basic things wrong to an immersion-breaking degree#the whole thing is set during the civil wars but she NEVER talks about there being surgeons i have not seen a single mention of a surgeon#shes always referring to doctors and physicians but it's becoming apparent to me that when she says physician#shes just using it as an old timey word for doctor not because she properly understands the 17th century medical hierarchy#fucking hell. im so mad
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vegeta is genuinely a great character but if you encounter a vegeta fan its your moral duty to kill them as quickly as possible
#love him but jesus fucking hell his fans. and I 100% blame super for this. genuinely I hate it more and more as time passes#to like The Real geets you have to understand and accept that he sucks so bad in general because he sucks so bad morally#and no amount of training will change that. it's his narrative arc#even if he gives himself 100% he will and should NEVER beat goku even if theyre on “good terms”#(and besides if theyre on “good terms” he wouldnt give himself 100%)#Im so mad their last fight in the buu saga was so good and so was the whole epilogue but nooo we can have good things#geets was narratively at his peak in the saiyan arc the freeza arc and the buu arc (specifically bc he was at his lowest there)#BUT NOOO everyone loooves him in the cell arc so thats aaall he is I Fucking Hate It Here#anyway all of that to say ive seen some video and wow i got reminded i really loved this manga and characters👍 for all its flaws#tagging later
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anyone else learn about the nuclear arms race and mutually assured destruction at an impressionable young age, had an existential crisis about how we almost ended all life on the planet in thermonuclear hellfire and made it uninhabitable for thousands of years multiple times because of political differences, and we still have enough warheads on earth to destroy it a hundred times over sitting in the hands of insane megalomaniac politicians who could just end it all with a press of a button and never fully recovered since?
#hahhahaahhahahaa#im fine :-)#in high school i had a bad case of 'no hope for this world' disease which was real hard to parse out from the major depressive disorder#it got real bleak! not gonna lie!#its hard to care about your math homework when youre convinced the world is going to fucking end bc we live under the rule of insane people#looking back now its easy to think i overreacted a bit. but holy shit being a teenager fucking sucks#you cant do anything about how bad the world sucks. all u can do is sit there and look at the news and get fucking depressed#cant vote. cant protest. cant articulate how i feel bc my brain is still growing and i have a math test tmrw.#its like. i just wanted a fucking break.#i didn't want to kill myself. i didnt necessarily want to die. i just wanted a break. bc everything fucking SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!#god im so glad im not a fucking teenager anymore. wow this derailed a bit. hi. im okay now pls dont worry about me#personal#but yeah i still have nightmares now and then about nuclear war. shits scary as hell#and then u look at all the fucked up shit happening around the world and its hard not to lose hope for humanity :|#i want to like humans but unfortunately a lot of us seem to fucking suck. hopefully its not the majority#im doing waayyyyy better as an adult but damn its hard sometimes :/
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total drama and the quarry connection is so real because ill be seeing people hating on emma mountebank and td23 emma for the most stupid reasons. leave the emmas alone
#both emmas are in a boat of 'my ex is obsessed and he sucks' but one of said emmas takes their dumb idiot bf back#and she is suddenly terrible and awful for doing so? GIRL toxic relationships are real as hell and sometimes u take comfort in what u know#even if everyone says its bad. but its realistic. some people DO get stuck in that cycle!#shoutout to emma mountebank for standing her ground and i hope somebody td emma can do the same but. god damn#why do people think she's the worst of the new cast????#shes valid in her anger at chase and even if shes dumb as hell to take him back i dont see it lasting#even the writing has all the characters going 'oh hell no'#she'll find her path im POSITIVE.
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do people actually enjoy the edge of seventeen (2016) or is it just a running joke im not privy to :3
#the edge of seventeen#bad movies#im so real for this#i know the truth#they shoot the messenger#movies#teenage angst#teen angst#hell is a teenage girl#this movie actually sucks#unlikeable#help me pls
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sorry i’ve been so inactive and noncommunicative today friends!! i see all your tags and messages and asks and i love you for all of them i just don’t have the time to answer them right now 💔 but please keep tagging me in things and sending me stuff!! i love it!!! 🥹
#im just urhsgdjfhsgjrs because apparently im failing organic chemistry rn!!!!!! AND i have a c in anatomy which i rlly wanna fix!!!#ive never done this shitty in school ever ive never even gotten a c before#well except one time in a high school english class but that was because my bitch of a professor refused to grade my final essay#which was worth 25% of my grade :^)#but yeah im . not doing well rn y’all! and i DO want to fix this so im having to buckle down and cut back on tumblr besties time :(#so ill get to everything when i can but it may take around 2-5 business days because everything is hell rn </3#real talk tho this semester has absolutely sucked ass. i feel like nothing is going right for me and i’ve tried everything :/#i messed up really bad by taking 3 upper-level science courses at once and now i am paying a pretty huge price#BUT spring break is in one week and we’re going to adopt a new kitten then so there’s light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!! (temporarily)
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mother wants to call me about the money she’s been withholding from me as she’s been driving me into over 20k of debt over the past 5 years
#my sister decided to drop out the 3rd time#and so my mom is like 'well MAYBE now you can have the money i have specifically for you for your education#after i took it away from you and made you start paying all your own schooling from 19 onward because you had a mental breakdown#despite the expectation you would do school pushed on you from so young#and saying i had money for you since you were literally 5#and refusing to pay off your 20k debt until you got your degree#and the only thing that's changed is that my sister dropped out THREE TIMES and didnt have to pay for her own schooling at least the first 2#tries#and NOW that she's decided to not do college am I allowed to maybe have the biggest chunk of my debt removed#financial abuse sucks yo it sucks so bad#i dont even want to have this call with her#i cant afford not to#i cant afford the debt i have#and she's known this for 5 years#hell the -checks watch- 8 years ive been doing school or paying loans#and as per her#i only get the money i was told to rely on to nOT be in debt#after she decides that my transgressions arent so bad now that my sister has done it too#no anger at my sister for real#im vry glad shes taking her own paths and shit like that#and my mom raised us to oppose each other real hard#so im not mad at my sis#but damn my mother#fuck#life and times#ANYWAY
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SHE WAS A MAN ? YOURE TELLING ME THEY WERE GOING TO BREAK THE QUIET AUTISTIC COUPLE AWARD REGARDLES???
"they got rid of the best male character in the series"
ok?? die mad about it. they just invented the cuntiest woman in the series. move on
#BRO WHEN I THOUGHT CHANGED THE STORY I DIDNT THINK GENDRSWAP#LIKE TELLING ME FRANCESCA AND STERLING PROBABLY ARENT GONNA LAST IS BAD ENOUGH#BUT TELLING ME THAT STORY WASNT ONLY GOING TO HAPPEN REGARDLESS#BUT THAT IT WAS MEANT TO BE STRAIGHT??? RUBBING SALT INTO THE FUCKING WOUND WHAT#YOURE TELLING ME THEY ORIGINALLY BROKE APART THE QUIET AUTISTIC COUPLE FOR A MAN#LIKE AT LEAST NOW IT FEELS LIKE A SEXUALITY DISCOVER WDYM THEY WERE GONNA GROW APART REGARDLESS THE HELL HAPPENED IN THE BOOKS#MAN#AT LEAST ITS GAY NOW IG THEY BROKE IT APART FOR YURI THIS TIME NOT. SOME MAN.#i am so sorry for ever complaining about the fact that Francesca was the one into the cousin and not Eloise#i just didnt want to choose between the gay love and the quiet autism love and wanted both to happen#BUT TO HEAR THEY TOOK THAT AWAY BECAUSE OF A. ANOTHER STRAIGHT SHIP.?#bro its like everything i hated about this decision in s3 but without the positives of the power of queerness#at least i assume the quiet autistic couple is gonna get torn because i am working on putting together tumblr posts#like im trying to build an entire ass dinasour diaciver using digged up bones#idc how endearing he was STERLING AND FRANCESCA WERE NEVER MEANT TO LAST?#at least theres yuri now (<-copium)#i love me a good yuri (<- but where can i find a quiet autism x quiet autism couple i need more please)#CMON THOUGH THIS IS ONLY PROVING LADY BRIDGERTON RIGHT IN THAT WHOLE LOVE HAS TO BE MESSY AND DRAMATIC THING#LIKE THAT SPEECH AVOUT LOVE CAN BE SLOW GENTLE AND QUIET AND STILL HAVE THAG BE TRUE LOVE#THAT PEOPLE CAN BE IN THE SLOW GENTLE AND QUIET AND HAVE THAG LOVE STILL BE REAL AND TRUE#how no one not one of you have to feel the need to be extroverted just to be valid of true love of acceptance of understanding and having#that understanding be RIGHT like pairing francesca up with what seems like an extrovert#or at least someone who Socializes and seemingly shines in it seems to undermine all that#LIKE THE THEMESSSSS#IDK IDK THE BOOK PLOT MAYBE THE THEMES ARENT TRAMPLED OVER MAYBE#I JUST#TELL ME#TELL ME IT ENDS WELL#doctor i know the reading comprehension in this site sucks so please note i am a yuri lover i love yuri scroll down my blog and you will see#i fell asleep near three am yesterday in a yuri frenzelled haze just stalk me <3
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really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row
#vent#why am i suddenly the worst person to exist to everyone again for having bpd and complex emotions. 2023s coming back in a new way#like oh wow Have you ever thoguht of how Aria Feels. Have you ever thought to fucking talk to me about this . god.#this specific group of people keeps making me miserable and then complains about me being miserable about it. like yea. bc that makes sense#maybe i shouldve left all of you huh. maybe i shouldve done that. i need to be the one with agency over my emotions for fucking once.#everyone walks all over me and expects it to do nothing. keeping my fears in check and keeping my confirmation biases very much there.#lua if you see this that was entirely fucking unwarranted. im not some fucking evil person. i just have BPD. we tried.#i dont like venting to you for every single little thing either and it makes me miserable too! it wouldve been nice if you said that first.#all of it made me miserable but thats all we ever fucking talked about.#i really fucking tried just to get kicked down and spit at again for something so stupid and then the remaining 3 also left again.#what am i supposed to do. what do you want me to do.#i genuinely tried. i always wanted to try but just got left with questions and unexplainable emotions. and now everythings like this again#no explanations. nothing to give me any benefit of the doubt. just no youre evil and awful for this thing that we all also do but#were all going to blame YOU for not being honest about your emotions. and then i start being very open about my emotions#and people hate that too. literally what do you fucking want from me anymore. have i been anything other than a strawman to any of you#just an ideal to chase . just whatever you want to form me into ?#i am not a saint and never claim to be or claim to be the best or even most reasonable opinion. but you should all maybe evaluate that your#extraordinarily comically bad at anything regarding this. better at communicating my fucking ass.#i dont want to be at either of you twos fucking whims anymore. i dont even want to be at my own.#leave me the hell alone. observe me at a distance. just dont fucking talk to me until you have something better to say.#i did not need that. it is unfair to me. not now. not any time. not near my birthday not near new years. i did not need this suddenly today#because people dont communicate anything to me. and then expect me to be fine to be slapped in the face with it like its expected.#you people fucking suck.#i feel abused by fucking everyone. i am not a real person to any of you and never will be. nobody cared about my personhood#and you know what. im fine with that. because neither of you are here anymore.#literally i am mentally not built for people who made me miserable then blaming me for my misery . or the most stupid friendgroup drama of#the century i am built for playing touys and having fun Fuck u all forever get out of my life FOREVER !#itll probably come back again and then ill be mentally susceptible to this bullshit again but for now literally just . fuck off.#i dont want to be in your ouroboros ( lol ) of endless misery feedback loop bullshit anymore#like woww i have problems but Wow. Its almost like you two made it worse? Idk! Just a thought.
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