#im gonna do better on looking out for myself this year though.

[housecatclawmarks]

I don’t feel regret for this bc it was important shit but last year i DID get so caught up in other stuff that i forgot to stop pulling my punches and im gonna try not to let that happen this year cause even if over all i have much bigger priorities that im putting a lot MORE energy into, i still dont deserve to let people treat me like shit in smaller ways.

[stardust-sunset]

the only thing that’s gonna keep me from killing my self when the school year starts is the outsiders musical awaiting me

(excuse the rant in the tags 😭)

[motherforthefamicom]

trying to start working on my ap art summer work (put it off all summer and now theres. 10 days left until school starts apperently) i hateeeee how vague everything is ugh

[fearforthestorm]

my hair is getting long enough now that when I pin the shorter side back it looks like it's all the same length!! <3

[themindelectricdemo4]

looking thru old stuff finds like ..ok people lost interest in my stuff & wouldnt engage in it & i expressed my sadness with that & looking thru i realize why i started to dislike it it was cuz like...looking thru old stuff my friends WERE engaged...so i wonder wat happened. like idk what variable changed iti couldve been me or them who knows! time, boredom, being more vague, idk..ill never really know cuz i can only look thru old stuff that i have like (like my server). its just a little sad cuz i kept wondering why i missed these friends but i was like oh i miss them for what they used to be. & whatever reason they changed sucks whether it was my fault or the environment or social reason etc etc. i feel like my delusion probably did not help & at least partly led to the alienation which sux...i already feel rly lonely with whatever i have. not gonna use labels cuz idk what it is. but even when hes with me all the time it can still feel hollow sometimes. & people leave because they dont understand or theyre scared etc etc. it just kinda proves a point that i cant be open about whats happening to me cuz its scary to people. except maybe my partner who lacks a lot of judgment for not only me but for like everyone which i envy a lot i wish i could look at ppl neutrally like that. but i still feel guilt over this stupid thing i cant control & it sux cuz its not as easy as just ..stopping it (which idk how i would even do) i also need to tackle issues around it like how im like if i lose him i will die so like how can i be at a point where if i did theoretically did lose him i wouldnt feel so lost & miserable. im struggling to get back to therapy cuz i lack a lot of the tiime & im kind of in this era where im like if . i just ignore it. i can be normal!!! (my panic attacks have been increasing oops.

[starringthesturniolos]

bite me- matt sturniolo

part one

summary- matt has always hated your guts, but everything changes when he wakes up and finds out your his mate.

contains- vampire!matt x reader, enemies to lovers, smut (not in this part), themes of death, dark themes, high school au! (18 yrs old)

------------------------------------------------------------

your pov.

“and y/n l/n, your assigned seat is next to matthew sturniolo.” my new math teacher says with finality as his eyes sweep the room. “matthew, please raise your hand” he continues clearly acknowledging the fact that he doesn’t know any student by name yet.

while the teacher was making a rendezvous trying to figure out where matt was sitting, my eyes were bulging out of my head and matts usual stoic face turned into a scowl. we lock eyes and they harden at the sight of each other. matt scoffs before shifting his eyes to the teacher, and I already know he's going to protest before he says a word.

“teach, i know you don’t know me, but my birthdays tommorrow, and i don’t really do y/n." he says while rudely gesturing to my figure, "sooo, you gotta switch the seating chart up.” matt pierces me with his gaze before offering the teacher a very fake smile.  mr. dunn, the name I assume is his considering that its written on the whiteboard, just looks back at him clearly unimpressed with his negotiation skills. matt takes the hint and tries again. “for everyone else’s sake?” he questions and  gestures to the rest of students in the room. everyone bobs their heads up and down in silent agreement. 

its no secret that me and matthew don’t get along. ever since freshman year, we’ve had a strange animosity towards each other. matt carries himself like he’s better than everyone else. he does it even now, trying to negotiate with the teacher like he makes the rules. i can’t help but agree with him, though. if we end up sitting next to each other it will be a huge distraction. matt and i have been escorted out of classrooms for starting screaming matches before. 

“your all gonna have to deal with it. this is not my problem” mr. dunn says completely blowing everyone off. I drag my feet over to matt, sighing as i let the year ahead of us sink in. “way to go tiger, maybe if you had asked instead of demanded in the first place, he might of listened.” I say as I plop down into my seat.

“okay well, at least i said something. didn’t hear you talkin” he replies smugly and folds his arms over his chest.  Even though he’s acting like a child, i have to stop myself from openly gawking at his arm

 damn, tattoos are definitely my thing.

“the fuck you looking at.” he snaps. 

tattoos are definitely NOT my thing.

i roll my eyes.  “nothing, mop” i  smirk as soon as i say it  because i know how much he hates that stupid nickname. 

“stop calling me that!” matt says a little too loudly causing the teacher to spin around from the white board and glare in his direction. matt quickly shuts his mouth and starts to play with the strings of his hoodie in shame. i can’t stop the laugh that ripples through my chest at matts’ pussy reaction. mr. dunn swings his glare to me, but ,unlike matt, i don’t care. 

i’ll just switch out this class, simple.

 i make up my mind then and there. i'm not dealing with matt  AND a shitty teacher. 

“anywayss” mr. dunn drones on turning back to the white board  still annoyed by the disruption. i look back over at matt to make fun of him, only to see his eyes shut tight and his whole body tensed up. i can see the lean muscles in his forearms bulging from the strain. 

“um what are you doing??” i question more than a little confused. he snaps out of it and slowly opens his eyes. “mind your business” he mutters.

this is going to be a longgg year. 

------------------------------------------------------------

matts pov.

“chris im telling you, i almost lost it in there.” i say panicked as i pace around my room. we’ve been out of school for about 8 hours and i’m still stressed about it. about almost losing control and killing everyone in the classroom today.

 chris gets up and grabs my shoulders. 

“bro its okay. it happens, give yourself a break. not very many vampires control themselves the way you do. when they get angry, they just snap.” chris says more casually then anyone else would on the subject, like its a normal thing. but both him and i know that nothing about what we are is normal. 

i take a deep breath, my eyes straining from the stress of it all. “i just don’t know why i let her get under my skin like that, you know. i shouldn’t ever feel like i'm about to “snap”", I say frustration seeping through my tone. i continue to take quick steps around the room, paying unnecessarily close attention to each step.

 if she had any idea what i was, she’d never bother me again, a dark voice in my mind breaks through, much to my annoyance.

 its true, us vampires are monsters through and through. even ones like me, chris, and nick who try our best to be good. we may act and look the part, but our desires are always evil. we will always be evil.

“sooo, are you excited to find out who your mate is, or what?” chris' voice cuts through the quiet that settled in the room, making my thoughts reel in a different direction.

turning day. the day in which a vampire is born. once a vampire has hit 10 yrs since their turning day,  their mates are revealed to them. its like a bomb goes off in their head and suddenly they feel completely connected to someone else.  like their souls are one, or so I've heard.

“snap out of it matt! stop spacing out and shit, its getting really annoying” chris says clearly agitated i didn’t answer his question from earlier.

“sorry” i answer sitting next to him on my bed.  after that theres a brief silence, me and chris left alone with our own thoughts. 

“Are you excited though?” chris ask quietly, clearly conflicted himself. i’m not the only one getting a mate, after all, chris and nick turned the same day i did. 

you were born on the same day and you died on the same day. what a coincidence, my dark inner voice practically chuckled at the revelation. I shudder from the thought of it.

i take a deep breath and close my eyes as i feel the stress returning. 

“i just hope shes not human.” I whisper, almost more to myself then to chris.

“yeah, me too.” chris agrees and i hum in response. its late at night, me and chris have been hanging out and nicks nowhere to be found. 

“where’s nick?” i ask. chris gets up and stretches. “i have no idea bro.” he yawns. “ but i gotta go to bed, im tired as shit. tell eachother about our mates in the morning?” chris ask, turning to me before actually leaving my room. 

“yeah sure” I replied, even though we both know neither of us are going to want to talk about it.

 we are going to want to find them and claim them as ours.

------------------------------------------------------------

my alarm clock goes off. I threw the covers off my body, hot all of a sudden. vampires dont get hot. i roll my eyes. it must be the stupid mating bond thing, then.

i shut my eyes, knowing that the first person i see is going to be  my mate for life.

please let her be pretty and please let her not be human. 

one, two, three seconds go by, but still nothing. Then, her face pops up in my mind.

“FUCK” i scream. 

at least she’s pretty

a worried chris runs into my room. “what? what's wrong, matt?” he shakes my shoulders trying to get an answer. i look up at him slowly.

“its y/n” i whisper. 

@bbernard-03

@mattslolita

[cremedensada]

I’m gonna need general hcs on interactions with the boy next door… like what if we just moved to town and we first meet him as we’re moving in… Also can they be in like highschool? I don’t know if that’s already the gist but yeah. She’s moving in with her mom and he’s there…

Yandere Boy Next Door

sorry anon i think i went way to far away from what you wanted shdhdh also theyre senior high school students (grade 11 - 12) which is like, two preparatory years for college. so theyre adults bc im much more comfortable with that :33

btw his name is lukas !! he's named now

male yandere + gender neutral darling/reader

lukas is easily approachable - he's got that warmth about him that just draws people in. it's all practiced to maintain his popularity though.

he's also a huge people-pleaser, despite the fact he easily gets burnt out and has his social battery drained.

so when his mom asked him to be a dear and help the new neighbor's kid on their way around the school + neighborhood, he just couldn't say no

sure he's tired, possibly close to having another breakdown just thinking about being pestered by fellow students for answers to homeworks and other menial stuff, but he still manages to say yes and give her another perfectly practiced smile

when he goes over to the house next to theirs - the ones you moved in to, you had no lasting impression on him

now, don't be mistaken, he does think you're good looking but at the end of the day he'd much rather curl up in bed and sleep

so he puts up that perfectly crafted persona and invites you to head to school with him. a new environment is much easier to deal with when you're not dealing with it by yourself! (or something like that)

he tries not to be overbearing, trying to get you to open up while also making sure he's respecting your boundaries and comfort as you made your way inside the school gates

you don't share the same classes, so he asks you for your time table so he knows your schedule

he hopes he's not being creepy or anything, he's just making sure your first day transferring here goes well

sure he's known for being a caring person in general but he does feel like it's his responsibility to make sure you're doing well you know? you're neighbors now, you guys should get along!

it's smooth sailing until it's time you guys finally went home

like that morning, he waits for you and invites you to walk home with him to familiarize with the shortcuts and local lounging spots for students

all the while he tries to get you to talk about your experience today

it must be due to the amount of stress piled up on his plate that lead him to feel... nervous.

his perfect persona cracking as his calm demeanour and collected way of talking slowly devolved into nervous tangents talking about anything at all

were you displeased? his perfection was practiced and polished since he was a kid, was it still not enough for you?

he could handle disappointing people a lot better now but paired with his currently leaning towards unstable, your displeasure is something that's slowly tearing him from the inside

he's jolted out of his thoughts when you suddenly speak up.

"thanks for showing me around. i thought i was going to struggle getting used to things all by myself."

you smiled up at him. "so... yeah. you're... okay."

his heart thumped.

everywhere all around him feels a ton of degrees warmer.

"...okay." lukas was tongue tied.

on the remainder of the journey back home, he walked you to your house, ensuring you got inside safely before making a beeline towards their house and into his room.

normally at this hour he'd be passed out in bed, tired after a whole day of pretending and smiling. today was perhaps the first time he didn't go to bed with his cheeks hurting and aching from smiling so much.

laying in bed, making an excuse as to why he's not going to be joining for dinner, just thinking about you and your words.

lukas grew up living to the standards of being perfect. a perfect son. a perfect student. a perfect friend.

anything less is... unacceptable to say the least. when you do or think of something so often in your day to day life, it becomes a habit. and lukas' habit is perfection.

but you thought he was okay.

okay.

suddenly 'okay' sounds much better than being perfect.

suddenly your opinion towards him becomes much more important than anyone else's.

lukas is a people pleaser, and onwards from that moment, the only 'people' he will ever want to please is you.

i hope this is sufficient? i'm actually v sleepy rn lol but thank you for the idea!

[shakespearean-dream]

i would adore ur ted ideas he is so interesting 2 me!!!!!!

ask and you shall receive!!!!

ted. teddigan. theodoreigan my boy. i have so many mixed feelings about u💔

this drawing was a pain in the ASS to make for some reason?? my first go at him was way too close to canon for my liking so i threw myself out there n got to a place i liked thankfully, plus halfway through i forgot how to draw hands and almost cried (joking) cause i thought i had them down at this point!!!!— but trust me, even if you have 9 years of art experience (like me unfortunately. someone take me out i’ve had a good life) ur gonna forget the basics sometimes. warm yourself up and try again cause i did and i eventually remembered 😭😭😭

doing these character studies and drawings have seriously improved my way and process of drawing faces which is so nice 🥲 i think i just need to start looking at the bigger picture again so i don’t forget how to draw everything else. like hands. or full bodies. foreshadowing ;)

i wanted my ted to look just a wee bit unsettling because my general consensus of him is that he is totally fucked in the head, lmfao. born a nepotism baby who ended up scamming people more for fun than for actual cash, horribly sexist but dependent on women to validate him, paranoid as all get out, selfish and self centered as all get out, just his canon personality’s all in one and turned up a notch. 🥲

i don’t think he’s totally beyond redemption, especially because he’s been cooped up with ellen, who is a highly decorated in the engineering field black woman, benny who’s gay and gorr “FREEDOM FIGHTIN’ LIBERAL🇺🇸🦅🦅🔥🔥” ister for 109 years. in that time he’s definitely slipped up and they’ve definitely corrected him (along with nimdok too LOL). i think with some intensive therapy, a shower and a trip to the tolerance museum (south park reference) he’ll be a little better.

i’m a mild ted/AM shipper (as seen in the bottom right hand corner) but more in the “ooohehheh they’re flirting!!… oh no. oh this is not going to end well. this is definitely a toxic relationship” way and less the “awh cute maybe they can have mutual redemption arcs!!!” way because i love seeing gay men suffer romantically (don’t cancel me i am a bisexual man suffering romantically i swear😭)

i’m not too partial to any other ships honestly, ted/ellen makes me nauseous (just cause of the way ted talks about/treats her in the franchise, no hate to my tellen shippers i promise) and i can only see gorrister with his wife 🥲 with benny and nimdok i have no clue if either of them rlly have romantic interests but im not a fan of them with anybody so erm… i do love the whole groups found family vibes though :”””] they’re all cute together and the mutual suffering but all the while growth is comforting to me

i think that’s about all my thoughts!!! another thank you for the support on this blog recently i love yall sm. i’ll eventually post on my transformers blog but i am STILL SCARED because robots are hard to draw. stay tuned for it though. 💀

thank you for reading if you did!!! let me know which of the guys yall want me to do next; benny, AM and nimdok are left on the chopping block. ❤️

[1427]

When the Levee Breaks (pt. 5)

Daryl Dixon x OFC

Story Summary: The one in which a stripper that used to know Merle and Daryl shows up at the Atlanta camp. Daryl’s feelings are complicated but mostly he hates her, right?

Chapt Setting: The Farm/Woods

Chapt Warnings: pretty explicit drug use (meth), season 2 Daryl, degrading/sexist language (he’s starting to get better lol), SOPHIA CHAPTER (I think that deserves a warning)

Word Count: 2.7k

A/N: Daryl’s POV story. Daryl’s starting to be less of a dick, trying really hard to make it feel organic/make it make sense in the story. Idk. This chapter was really rough to write because… it made me sad. Also have no idea if it even makes sense (the hallucination bit, really hope it does) lol ALSO; I looked up some timeline stuff and i just?? Really thought Daryl was out there for days on his own? But apparently he wasn’t? We’re just gonna say that he is in this story. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can only do so much when the timeline of TWD is fucking stupid sometimes. (I mean it. Come for me. Idc. Rick was in a coma for 59 days without food or water???!?!!!? Bye)

masterlist

17+ mdni (no smut in this one tho sorry)

Like fiberglass in my veins, it tears through me. Mellow, at first, almost think I should rail more before I can feel myself sweatin’. Different kinda sweat, comin’ from my fuckin’ soul. 

Haven’t felt like I was doin’ something ‘wrong’ since I was little. That feeling that ch’ya get when you’re doin’ somethin’ ya know you’re not s’possed to. This ain’t the first time I done spazz, but maybe it’ll be the last. The anxiety about doin’ it goes away the second I feel the devil kick me through my nose to the back of my brain. Even though I know it’s comin’, it always feels like gettin’ skullfucked by satan. 

Been out here for a day. I brought Merle’s shit with me because I decided to finally get rid of it somewhere. But I got somethin’ that needs doin’. And anyway, I got years of experience with ice. Not doin’ it. Sometimes doin’ it. Never let Merle know, he’d’ve made some big whoop ‘bout it. And everytime he’d gone and done more than he remembered, he woulda blamed me. Shit though, sometimes it was. 

M’not like Merle and Beatle. Ain’t an addict. Can do shit and put it down. Always been able to put it down. Figured other people could too, that they just didn’t wanna. ‘m not sure, but still kinda think that. 

Never felt fuckin’ guilty about it before, though. Fuckin’ Beatle. I’unno if it’s cuz I’d be done with her if she did the same shit, or if it’s cuz I know if she knew that I was - she’d be mad at me. Mad I didn’t invite ‘er. 

But this shit ain’t for fuckin’ playtime. Only reason ‘m even doin’ it i’so I can find Sophia. So I can stay awake, focus, and get ‘er back. They use ta use this shit in war. War’s the reason methamphetamines even exist. Nazi’s? Hell, every single one of ‘em in WWII. Kamikazi’s loaded up, totally fuckin’ wasted outta their minds on crystal while they bolted ‘em in. Kept ‘em awake, kept ‘em happy, kept ‘em focused on the mission. Tha’s what I gotta do. 

I can’t stop lookin’ til I find ‘er. Sophia. ‘m the only one that can, only one that knows how. And anymore, ‘m the only one that seems to give a shit. ‘Sides Carol. And Beatle. She wanted ta come. Told her she’d only slow me down. Distract me. Drawn more geeks. She woulda. Told her I didn’t need food either but she packed me some anyway. Knew I wasn’t gonna be hungry. Knew I was gonna use this dumb shit to help. But whatever. 

Doesn’t matter what happens to me, right? My life’s not worth nothin’, not compared to that little girl. Now that her old man’s outta the picture she actually got a chance. Maybe not mucha one, not the way shit is these days. But she got ‘er mom. And ‘er mom can actually be ‘er mom now. Not scared of some piece’a shit prick that finally got what was comin’ to ‘im. 

Man fuck that guy.

The trail I’m followin’ disappears so I backtrack to the mangroves where I found her doll and try to find another one. 

I start to wonder what kinda old man Beatle had. What kinda mom? Startin’ ta realize I don’t know a damn thing about Beatle. I know she likes drinkin’, she likes laughin’, she likes fuckin’ with me. But… 

Beatle keeps surprisin’ me. Not just because she let me hump her face a few days ago, the fact that she liked it, shit I haven’t even had a second to process that. Nah, more cuz she hasn’t brought it up. Hasn’t tried to hold my hand again. Hasn’t been annoyin’ me nearly as much. Not even at all, if ‘m honest. 

My brain’s goin’ a million miles a fuckin’ second over Beatle and what happened between us. Not just the other night, but back then. Got questions that need answerin’ but she ain’t here. Try to keep myself occupied with trackin’ but it ain’t like trackin’ takes much thinkin’. Follow every trail I pick up, but none of ‘em lead me to Sophia. 

I’d prob’ly start gettin’ really frustrated about this, but that’s what crystals good for. All the dopamine I need, and nothin’s annoyin’. Focus.

✨🏹 

Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, walker guts. Trees and rocks and blood and mud and dirt and greens and browns and reds and blacks. And it’s dark and it’s light and it’s dark. And it smells fuckin’ rotten. Bent branches, wilted leaves, another trail, another dead end, another undead shithead. Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, Beatle. 

How many times did I go into Merle’s bag and take the devils dick up my nose? Cuz Beatle’s standin’ here right in front of me. ‘Cept she’s all done up in makeup and glitter and her pupils are the size of dimes. Little pink crop top, tiniest pair’a daisy dukes I ever seen. ‘n she’s in my face sayin’ the shit I been thinkin’ about her sayin’ since that day she said it. 

“I like you, Dar.” 

“You like bein’ fucked up more.” I say it like I said it the last time. 

“That’s not true! I mean - I like you, Daryl.” She steps closer, tries to put her hand on my cheek before I brush her off. She slumps back a little, turning away. “You like me, too. You said it.” 

My hearts in my fuckin’ throat and I’m standin’ there, this can’t be fuckin’ happening. I know is’not but doesn’t make it feel any less real. “Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle.” 

Hate that I said that to ‘er. Did I really say that? Cuz maybe that’s how I felt. Hell, maybe that’s how I felt last week. But it ain’t fair. I don’t know her. Still. Now. Don’t know ‘er at all. Thought I did. Thought I understood what kinda girl did those kindsa things. Is that really what I said? Fuck.

She’s still turned away from me, but I walk the half circle around to look at her face. And she’s sobbing. Silently, trying to stay as still as possible. I… I don’t remember this part. Maybe I didn’t see it? Nah, I saw it. Just didn’t care. Didn’t wanna look at ‘er. Didn’t want to hear her lame ass confession. Especially after she’d brought up that I told ‘er I liked ‘er. She sniffles and wipes her face before she pulls a bubble pipe out of the waistband of her shorts and lights the bottom, starts smokin’ it. She asks if I want a hit, like last time. 

I go to say no, but the words don’t come out. Instead my hand reaches for it. I look back up and Beatle’s dressed all different. Baggy jeans and a bikini top. That night. Fuck. Shit. I don’t want to relive that night. 

“I promise, I won’t tell Merle.” She says, handing me her lighter. And I smoke it. Inhaling the vapor slowly like she had. “You gotta sip at it, like it’s a coffee and you’re drinking the air to see if it’s still too hot. Roll the bowl or it will burn.” I do it the way she says. She’s like ten years younger than me, but she looks at me - talks to me like it don’t matter. Like she don’t see it that way. Guess I don’t either, never really did. 

I’d never wanted to smoke it before. But that night I wanted to. With her. Woulda done anything she’d asked that night ‘fore she ruined it. I ruined it. Til it got all fucked up an’ it was never the same again. Not the way I saw her, not the way she looked at me. 

I’m goin’ through memories like they’re happening all over again. Feelin’ fuckin’ sick. I don’t wanna remember this. 

I hand the pipe back to her and she asks, “How do you feel?” 

“Fine.” 

“Just fine?” She smiles. 

“Good.” I clarify. 

“Good.” 

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “I think I like you, Beatle.” 

She laughs too hard, “you think?” I feel myself getting sicker and angry again all at once. 

I split in half. One half feelin’ those same feelings I felt. That this conceited fuckin’ bitch really acts like everyone likes her. I hear her words and it sounds like she’s sayin’ ‘well obviously’ - but the other halfa me hears it like a real question. Like she wanted ta know what I meant. I don’t remember how I responded then, but I can hear myself say it, “Self-obsessed cunt.” 

Beatle laughs, “Is that what you like about me?” 

My misunderstanding continues; Thought she was pickin’ on me. Makin’ funna me. All these years. All this time. Thought she was fuckin’ laughin’ at me. Never told a girl I liked her. Not that I never did like one, just never told ‘em. Not like some teenage fuckin’ confessional. And I do and what?  she just laughs.  

Shit. 

Cuz inside ‘m screaming. Screamin’ at myself ta say somethin’ different. To jus’ tell her. She’s special, she’s exciting, and when she smiles at the shit I say it makes me feel like I’m the only one in the fuckin’ world to her. Tha’s what she wants ta here. Tha’s why she’s askin’. 

“Nah. Forget it.” She nods, and I thought she did forget it.  She forgot until she brings it up again in the memory I already re-lived. 

Tha’s how I was so damn sure she didn’t give a single shit about if I liked her or not. Didn’t bring it up again for months. Didn’t give a single shit about me at all. Felt stupid for ever thinkin’ she might. Just a dumb crush on a dumb girl, and I forgot everything about it. An’ every little thing she did that made me like ‘er ended up as somethin’ else I hated.  And every time I saw her after that she was fucked up on somethin’. Meth or booze or weed. Usually all three. 

It comes at me like a fuckin’ freight train, her lips crashing into mine, but this time I want it. Don’t wanna stop kissin’ ‘er. Instead my arms move and I push her down to the ground. She’s wearing the crop top again, can tell she’d been cryin’. She’s layin’ there in the rocks lookin’ up at me and I flash back to the living room where this happened, where she’d told me she liked me back. I wanna beat the shit outta myself for makin’ her look like that. 

How didn’t I see it? 

I did see it. I just didn’t care. Thought I knew what kinda girl did those kinds’a things. 

Wonderin’ what kind of old man she had. What kinda boyfriends before she met me. How maybe she’s just as fuckin’ scared’a feelin’ stuff as I am. How maybe it took her months to even get up the courage to tell me after I’d told ‘er never mind and slowly started to hate her. How many’a those drinks were for courage? How many’a those hits were cuz she was nervous?

Shit. 

And she’s runnin’ away like she did then. Away from me an’ outta my life until a few weeks ago. I know it ain’t real but I run after her anyway. Screamin’ her name into the open air like maybe somehow I can change it if I can get her to come back. But she’s gone and ‘m still running tryin’ to find her. Screaming for her ‘til my throats hoarse. 

‘Til the walkers hear me. 

✨🏹

Andrea fuckin’ shot me. What is wrong with this fuckin’ group?

✨🏹

Beatle’s in the bedroom with me but I can’t look at ‘er. Don’t wanna. Feels like she knows what I was doin’ out in them woods without ‘er. Like she can see the dirty shit in my soul and for some reason it makes me ill. Can’t look at ‘er. Knowin’ I hurt ‘er like that all that time ago. Knowin’ it now like I ain’t ever known anything else. 

It’s just me ‘n her and she doesn’t try to talk to me. Just lets me lay there hatin’ myself for all of it. Didn’t even find Sophia. 

Spent a lot of my days in my life hatin’ myself. Thinkin’ I was good for nothin’. Now ‘m sure of it. 

I feel the bed move under the weight of her. She hugs herself around me, and like some pathetic kid I fuckin’ cry. Don’t know if she can tell or not but she tries comforting me anyway. “It’s okay, Dar. You did your best.” Her voice… how could I have ever thought it was annoying? Her bein’ so nice just makes me hate myself more. 

“Lea‘me alone, Beatle.” Shakin’ her arm out from around me. She gets off the bed and sits back in the chair she’d been in. God, I fuckin’ hate myself. Wanna scream No, come back. I didn’t mean it. 

Still got question’s that need answerin’. This time Beatles right here, and I ain’t got nothin’ to lose. “Why were you naked in Merle’s room?” Grateful that she’s sittin’ behind me. Don’t think I could talk to ‘er ‘bout this stuff if she was lookin’ at me. Right now? If I saw her face? Don’t think I could talk at all. 

She laughs. Fuck her stupid fuckin’ laugh. “I still can’t believe you think I fucked around with Merle.” 

“Why not? Y’all hung out every other day.” My voice is sharp, feels like she’s laughin’ at me again. Always feels like everyone’s laughin’ at me. 

“We all hung out every other day, Dar.” 

“Stop callin’ me tha’.” 

“I was carpet surfing. Your dumbass brother spilled all the schkag all over the damn place.” 

Oh…. But, “Ya didn’t have any clothes on.” 

“I never had any clothes on, Daryl. You sure I wasn’t just wearing something ‘slutty’? You know, like you always said I was? Cuz I don’t remember, but I’ve never been naked with Merle. Ever. Sounds fuckin’ gross.”

Oh. 

It made sense. Makes so much sense, ‘specially now. She keeps talkin’ an’ ‘m grateful cuz if I tried to say anything else I’d start fuckin’ cryin’ again. “I liked you, man. I…” she stops herself. Wanna beg her to keep goin’ but I can’t. 

Instead I ask ‘er the only question I got left, “Why’d ya leave, then? Ya left ‘n ya never came back.” 

She’s silent for a long time. “When you and Merle moved, where’d you go?” 

She did come back. 

“Why’d ya leave, Beatle?” Doesn’t matter where Merle and I went. She’s avoidin’ the question. 

“Got sober. After that night… with you. Wanted to get sober. Wanted to…” she don’t say the rest but she don’t need to. I got it. Fuck, my heart can’t take it. 

“Cuz I said ya liked gettin’ fucked up more than ya liked me.” It ain’t a question. I know. 

“Think it was more the other thing you said.” 

Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle. I can still taste the words. “Shouldn’t’a said that to ya.” My voice is barely a whisper. 

She gets back up on the bed and puts her arm around me again, this time I don’t shake her away. Her voice, so close to my ear, “I didn’t want to tell you that I came back. I didn’t want you to know that I got sober for you.” 

What? “Why not?” 

“Wasn’t sure you’d care. And if you did… I didn’t want you to have all the what-ifs in your head that I have in mine.” 

She hugs herself into me so tight it’s hard to breathe, and she tells me, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” 

I feel guilty, can’t take any of that back. Can’t make any of it better. I don’t deserve this. Her. After all the nasty shit I ever thought about her. After what I did to her the other night. I can’t bring myself to tell her to leave cuz I know she wants to be here. Don’t wanna make her cry again. 

So I let her hold me. Even though I don’t fuckin’ deserve it. 

[pokeberry5]

do you have any tips for drawing dynamic poses? i always love the way you draw bodies!!

i know this has been said a million times but the way i draw bodies significantly improved after i started drawing more frequently from reference. if i cant find a reference for a pose on the internet, i'll just use myself or a friend. i spend an unfortunate amount of time just standing in front of my mirror looking at my own joints. pay attention to where your body curves!!

other than that though—honestly my anatomy/pose knowledge is a whack amalgamation of art tips i've accumulated over the years (i miss old school deviantart/tumblr style art tutorials). i also like to look at how artists i admire draw bodies—what details to they include, what anatomical short-hands etc

i think i'm still figuring out how to draw dynamic poses, but here are some cheats i've picked up (under the cut coz this got long again):

gonna use this stray!tim as a base

the easiest way for make up a pose is to start roughly with the head, collarbones, ribcage, and pelvis — you can build everything from there

here's a couple more of what i mean by the ribcage-pelvis deconstruction:

2. push your perspective a little!! imo things look more dynamic if you move your sight-line up or down—the horizontal orange line here. if you look at the panels above, the sight lines tend to be a little low, at around the character's torso or waist. i did the same below with stray!tim

to do this i usually try to get a sense of the space im working in by putting in some sloppy perspective grids

3. S curves!!! exaggerate the lines of the body. the body naturally has parallel horizontal lines—an easy way to get a body to look less rigid is to tilt those horizontal lines which in turn curves the vertical line of the body

this is what a mean by horizontal lines—usually i use the eyes, shoulders, and hips:

i'm gonna use caterina as a better example—usually you want the horizontal lines to sort of zigzag:

i've also picked up a couple visual tricks that don't exactly add dynamism to a pose? but they do give a static pose a little more oomph. a lot of this is done by visually highlighting one specific point of the body

for our purposes, i'm gonna make the focal point tim's face

motion blur! there are a couple ways to do this. i actually dont like working with traditional motion blur because you have to mess around with selections, so i usually fake motion blur using postional perspective blur:

2. gradient lighting—you can add a lot of depth this way. usually i like setting the gradient in the direction of the focal point, e.g. tim's face

below, i added a layer above the base drawing, used an airbrush to get this gradient, and then set the layer to color burn and lowered the opacity. you can also clip the lighting layer to the base drawing and set it to multiply

below, i did the opposite—instead of adding a gradient shadow, i added gradient light. i set the layer to add this time (instead of color burn) and then lowered the opacity again.

this kinda serves to desaturate the parts of the piece that are less important (ish i was kinda sloppy here), driving the eye to face—the most saturated. the motion blur does a similar thing, where the only thing "in focus" is tim's face

the gradient also sort of adds a directionality to the piece—it starts at the bottom right corner and goes up towards the upper left, causing your eye to follow that same path, which drags your gaze up tim's body

here's what it looks like when i combine 1 and 2:

3. chromatic aberration's been pretty popular recently. it does a similar thing as perspective blur but with more eyestrain (although i went with a really exaggerated version below just to show you what it does) but it looks cool!

bonus cryptid tim as a reward for getting to the end :-)

[lost-in-wond3rland]

Ima ask you to walk with me for a moment, okay?

—————————————

SO. Quarter Back Katsuki (like professional, NFL level) and water boy Izuku right?

But. BUT!

Season for Katsuki? Starting rough TM. They have two games left to the playoffs, and if they don’t win they’re out.

Cut to Katsuki staying late to practice, he walks into the locker room, and Izuku is fucking with the white board. Katsuki is (unsurprisingly-) PISSED. It’s do or die time, they have to win, or his season is over. Izuku, stammering and muttering as he does, is trying to explain the change in play. Katsuki yells at him to fuck off and be does. Katsuki takes his shower, looks at the board and ya know what? It’s not a bad play. But wtf does a little water boy know ANYWAY? He changes it back.

We make it to game day, they’re down by 1 touchdown and Katsuki feels himself being backed into a corner.

UNTILL! He looks over and catches Izuku. He (in his very Katsuki way) grabs a clipboard and stomps his way over to em.

“Write it down.”

“E-excuse me?!”

“The play from last night ya damn nerd. I ain’t gonna ask you again.”

And so, Izuku does. Katsuki looks it over, nods, and goes back over to the team with the clipboard.

And guess what? They run the play.

And they win.

Color Katsuki surprised, they live to see another game.

The stadium clears out, teams gone, and Katsuki finds himself in the locker room with one Izuku Midoriya who’s putting away bottles and things.

“Oi, nerd.”

Izuku starts, looking up at him.

“Nice play.” He says before stalking out of the locker room.

Next game comes, and it’s not much better. They’re tied, they’re best offensive player (prob Kiri or something idk-) is out, and they either make a touch down or get thrown into overtime exhausted. They’re lining up and Katsuki hears him.

“CALL A TIME OUT!!” Katsuki tries to ignore Izuku’s yells, but after eventually ends of calling it.

“The fuck do you want, you damn nerd!?”

“I have a play.”

“Excuse me?” (Coach Aizawa hi, nice to meet you-)

“What, you think cuz I used one play from you last time, im gonna do it again? Who’s to say it wasn’t a fluke?”

“Maybe it was. But you know without Kirishima, if you run the play you’re about to run, you’re going to lose this game.”

And Katsuki hates it, the fire and defiance that he finds in green eyes. Hates it as much as he kind of loves it.

“…give him a fucking clipboard.”

“Is this smart, Bakugou?”

“You got any better ideas old man?!”

“…”

“Give him the fucking clipboard. DUMB ASSES! Huddle up!”

(Guess who wins the game hehehe)

Cut to a season of Izuku and Katsuki becoming a WILD team, Izuku becoming a playmaker and officially moving on from water boy duties. He gets a headset and everything, working right along side Aizawa during the games.

And the tension grows.

“You know more than I’d expect, for a water boy.”

“I wasn’t always a water boy kaachan.”

“‘Tch. You’re really sticking with that name huh?”

“Depends.”

“On what.”

“Are you gonna stick with ‘Deku’ and ‘nerd’?”

“You can bet your ass I am.”

“Then I’m sticking with Kaachan!” He looks up at the blonde, smile blinding and playful.

AND THEN-

“You said you weren’t always a water boy.”

“I did.”

“What’s your story, Deku.”

“Win the next game, and I’ll tell you.”

And they do, making it to the Super Bowl.

The night before:

“You said you’d tell me.”

“I did…”

“…so? Come on nerd, don’t leave me hanging.”

“I played. In high school, and first two years of college. I was a pretty good running back, if I say so myself.”

Katsuki looks Izuku over, eyes trailing over his body. “Yeah, I can see it. Explains the build… always thought you were too fast and built for a water boy.” Izuku smiles at him, though it’s kind of sad. “What happened?”

“I was…stupid. That’s what happened.” He chuckles, though it’s self deprecating. “I was never the most…popular in school. Sophomore year of college, I started to get pretty popular on campus. Went to a few parties. One night, I was driving home and I… shouldn’t have been. Wrapped my car around a pole. Shattered my knee, broke my neck… was paralyzed for a little bit but thankfully that didn’t last. A lot of months of physical therapy later, and I could walk again. Started running even. But, I was never cleared to play again. If I suffered another neck injury well…the doctors said no amount of pt would bring me back again. So… that’s it. I haven’t played, and I haven’t drank, since.”

The realization slams into Katsuki, the look on Izuku’s face when Katsuki showed up at his apartment drunk, Izuku hysterically yelling at Katsuki about drinking and driving (spoiler: he didn’t drive, he called an Uber. Katsuki would never-). “Shit…”

Izuku just nods, offering a sad smile. “It’s not all bad…I like watching. And…this past season? Kaachan it’s… it’s meant everything to me,” he admits, eyes watering. “It feels like playing again, and…regardless of how it started, you gave this to me. You trusted me enough to let me do this and I…just. Thank you.”

Katsuki swallows the lump in his throat, heart aching for the man in front of him. “Honestly? I wouldn’t trust anyone else… Dek- Izuku. This season? Is as much yours as it is mine… you’re our playmaker, our morale. Shit, the entire mood of team hinges on you. Without you? We’re not a team.”

Izuku smiles, silent tears falling. “Thank you, Katsuki.”

And hearing his name, his real name, sends a shock through his system. Katsuki reaches out a hand, thumb catching falling falling tears. “Izuku, I-“ he starts to whisper.

Izuku grabs his wrist, and shakes his head. But there’s a spark in his eyes that soothes Katsuki’s nerves immediately. “Tell me tomorrow. Tell me tomorrow, after you win.”

Katsuki can’t help but match Izuku’s smile with his own. “After I win.” He says, like it’s an inevitable. And maybe it is.

(Ahem, cut to game day, sorry this brain rot is everywhere lol)

It’s a close game. A REALLY close game. The other team gets Katsuki with a hip tackle, and his knee is on fire from the fall.

“Kaachan, you can’t-“

“Oi,” he says, grabbing Izuku’s shoulder and forcing him to meet his eyes. “The doc cleared me, I’m wrapped, and Shoji isn’t gonna let anyone get close to me.”

“But-“

“Hey. I promised you a win didn’t I? You trust me?”

“More than anything.” Izuku says, without hesitation.

Katsuki smiles, dropping his head to place a chaste, barely there kiss on Izuku’s lips. “We got this nerd. You, and me.” He whispers, staring right into his eyes before heading back out onto the field.

(A few plays later and guesssss who has his first Super Bowl ring hehehe. In my head, it’s Katsuki rookie year. But he’s Katsuki so of course he’s the starting qb with something to prove all year. And boy did he PROVE)

“Katsuki! Katsuki! Now that you’ve won, and in your rookie year no less, what are you going to do?” Katsuki’s eyes go over the reports head and a smile splits his lips as he sees a cheering Izuku crying on the sidelines.

“What am I gonna do? I’m gonna go plan my fucking date-“ with those words, Katsuki weaves his way through the crowd, breaking out into a run and scooping Izuku up when he reaches him, placing a proper kiss on his lips this time.

(Alexa play the alchemy by Taylor Swift, specifically, “cheers chanted, cause they said tere was no chance. Trying to be the greatest in the league. Where's the trophy? He just comes running over to me-“ section)

The team cheers as they’re QB and Playmaker finally make it official.

“Damn problem children.” Aizawa sighs, sitting down on the bench, soaked in Gatorade.

“I think it’s sweet,” Hizashi smiles down at his husband. “Reminds me of another young couple I knew.”

Aizawa hums, brushing his lips gently with his husbands. “We weren’t so bad, were we?”

“Oboro and Nemuri were about ready to lock us in a room and leave us there had we not figured it out when we did.”

Aizawa laughs, soft and genuine. “Fair.” He stands, walking over to his QB and playmaker. “You coming back next season?”

“No shit old man.”

Aizawa nods, before raising an eyebrow at Izuku.

“M-me?”

“We need our playmaker, right?”

“Damn straight we do.”

————————

Anyway the end- LOL. Thanks for taking this journey with me, ‘twas a nice walk, have a great day 😅

[khaibdl]

Hiii

Can i request a james hetfield smut where the reader and james have a kind of a "forbidden relationship" but the story has a good ending and lots of fluff ???

*P.s. Love your ficssss

•𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐁𝐈𝐃𝐃𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄•

Genre: Smut & Fluff

Warnings: Smut (language, unprotected sex, oral x male receiving, age gap).

Word count: 995

•

It is not okey.

I’ve been working for Metallica for the last couple of months as their “Tour Stylist”.

I have to make sure the guys have their clothes ready, its the right size and gets to the dry cleaner.

I love my job but i’ve also been loving something else or better yet… someone else.

James Hetfield.

We immediately had a connection when i first met him. He just got divorced and i broke up with my boyfriend who i was with for two years.

Im 34 and James is 60… i know its a big age gap but when its genuine, it doesn’t matter right?

Right?

Only his bandmates know and some of the other crew members but his kids and the public don’t know yet. And we want to keep it that way. Even though he’s finding it extremely difficult to keep this secret from his kids. But he’s scared.

Scared that they won’t accept it because of our age gap. And are they even ready yet to see their dad with someone else?

•••

“Of course, sweetheart. Everything for you.” I feel his big hand resting on my naked thigh as i am wearing a dress.

“Can you stay at mine’s for a while or are your kids home?” I don’t want our night to end yet since im really having a fun date night.

“I told them that i was in the studio so they can miss me for a while.” He turns his head, smirking at me and i know exactly what he’s thinking…

“Well, then i’ll have to keep you good company, right?” I move my hand to his lap, teasing him over his jeans.

I repeatedly kiss his cheek and neck as he has to focus on the road in front of him. My hands are unbuckling his leather belt and he has both of his hands at the steering wheel now.

“Sweetheart, don’t tease me.” He mutters softly.

I unbuckle my seatbelt, i set myself on my knees on the seat, facing James now. I bend my head down towards his lap and grab his cock out of his jeans.

My hands go up and down his cock as i spit on it, making sure its all wet and ready for me.

I hear James groan from above me when i finally put his cock in my mouth. I keep bobbing my head and use my hands, hoping to get him to release quickly.

I keep going like that for a few minutes until i finally feel his cum shoot right in my mouth. I make sure that i sucked every drop before lifting my head up again to look right in his blue eyes.

I now notice that we arrived at my front porch.

“Let’s go inside, sweetheart.” James buckles his belt again before opening his car door. “I’m gonna make you feel good now.”

•••

James his hips keeps slapping against mine from on top of me. He is so deep inside of me right now, I can’t even speak anymore. I can only keep moaning.

“You’re doing so good for me.�� One of his hands grabbing one of my tits and his other, stroking my hair.

My nails are scratching his back from all the pleasure that he’s giving me. He keeps pounding at a hard pace, making me shut my eyes.

“Jamie! I can’t anymore!” I moan loudly as he is giving me my third orgasm of the night. For a man his age, he still is extremely good in bed, it’s insane.

“Open your eyes. Look at me.” James keeps repeating to me, making me eventually open my eyes. One arm of mine finding the back of his neck to bring his face to mine so i can kiss his lips passionately.

We’re nearing our orgasm, again, as we keep on kissing and moaning into each other’s mouths.

My bed is literally pounding against my wall. I won’t be surprised if there’s a hole in it by now.

“Jamie, i’m fucking cuming!” I scream while my legs start to shake, softly, around his hips. “Oh, i love you!”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

James groans as he cums. Thank God that i’m on the pill. Otherwise i would probably be pregnant with triplets by now. Joking.

•••

“James, please tell me you’re kidding.” I say on the phone.

James left last night before his kids would ask why he’s not home yet. But he woke me up with a phone call this morning. I thought it was would be happy, hearing his voice, but right now? I just want to disappear.

“It’s okey. I’m gonna talk to my kids now and afterwards, i will be at yours.” He hears me getting emotional. “Please don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ll see you soon.”

Apparently, the paparazzi was following us last night and took pictures of us in the restaurant AND in the car… I’ve never been so embarrassed in my whole life.

Especially because his kids found out about our relationship this way. What will they think of me right now? I probably won’t wanna know.

After a few hours, James enters my home with my spare key. He sees my sitting on my couch, underneath a big, fluffy blanket. He sits down next to me and hugs me tightly.

“What did they say?” My question muffled by his leather jackets as were hugging.

“I explained everything and they understand. Obviously they didn’t want to find out the way they did but it’s okey.” He grabs my face and kisses my lips softly. “They want to meet you.”

“Seriously?” I ask him hopeful.

“Yes, sweetheart. It’s gonna be okay. Just trust me.” He makes sure i heard him before bringing me into his chest again.

This is literally the best man i could ever ask for.

•••

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞! 𝐈𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐬𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝 𝐢𝐭. 𝐈 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐢𝐭!

𝐁𝐭𝐰, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐢 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭.

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐊𝐡𝐚𝐢🖤

[slutshamethesquirrels]

I feel deranged reading infatuation

it’s so good it makes me wanna make a YouTuber video essay explaining all the nuances in there which feel so true and authentic to the experience of being ACTUALLY fat. and liking a dude who ISNT.

that part where you wrote that “the girl in your daydreams had lost the weight” is soul crushing. the MC knowing that she only fits in better with boys because she feels like she CANT fit in with girls while she looks the way she does. I’m a 22 year old and I’ve probably had more male BEST friends than I’ve had female friends. yeah i also ended up crushing on most of them because they could be so kind as to look past the unfortunate flaw of the way that i look! (even tho it’s just seriously disordered brain talk there) like word for word bar for bar oh my god I’m looking in a mirror—please someone cover it up before I get upset!!!!!!

I feel like a smaller bodied person would read this and think “wow is this rlly what it’s like being fat” and well yes! I do think about my size, and how much space I’m taking up even in normal scenarios in which it is uncalled for!

it’s a weird feeling i have reading fanfiction and knowing it’s pure, unbridled fantasy; there is a ZERO percent chance jjk boys would ever even glance in my direction in a romantic way but I’m delusional and Suguru geto is hot so i read it anyway but mannnn I read your lovely fic and was pleasantly thrown off by how for once i was visualizing the real fat me in place of the MC and not the me who is skinny and perfect.

it’s beautiful. it’s perfect. i love it, 10/10 stars i would pay you to write more.

especially abt something similar but with Gojo who is well aware of how perfect he really is whewww i just know that shit will hurt so good to read 😫

ONG HI FRIEND THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

WELCOME TO SHAMESY'S LIL CORNER OF THE INTERNET IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU

i definitely wrote from experience here bc i have always been fat and my past like,,, idk 4 flings have been average weight guys so im accumulating all my experiences into this lil fic and im so glad you love it!!

i definitely though am writing this from a less secure place than i am now so just in case im gonna let you in on a little secret:

men do like you. no, they do. its just like like we come up in this environment of asshole kids and even assholier adults who condition us to believe a certain way about ourselves that we feel like they don't but trust me,,, they DO. I date hot men irl but its literally because i woke up one day and decided i was gonna start telling myself i AM hot and i dont have to settle.

i felt s t u p i d at first but i literally had to like mentally beat myself into wearing what i wanted and not having a complex about it. now all i own are crop tops and cute outfits. i get hit on a ton in public. i didn't lose a single solitary pound.

you literally just have to make yourself break out of that mold and its so hard but let me tell you i LOVE you and im so happy you're here 💕

writing this one for the girlies like me has been so therapeutic and more is on the way!! i got some paragraphs in today so!! stay tuned!!

TAKE UR SMOOCH ASKS GET SMOOCHES AROUND HERE

[catgirlbussy]

im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Proxies with a fem reader going to a pumpkin patch so she can pick out her pumpkin? :>

Proxies and Fem!Reader going to a pumpkin patch!

obligatory toby is platonic but tbh i dont think romance ties too much into these specific hcs also i havent been to a pumpkin patch in years so im really scraping my brain trying to remeber what people do asides pick pumpkins...and google... a lot of google... i admit i had to fight myself not to make this a group thing where it's all together but im 80% sure you wanted these separate no unique gifs for each character, too eepy (its 6am rn and i couldnt sleep for the life of me SOBS)

Masky:

I feel like out of the three he's probably going to give the most resistance, he just doesn't like being around where loads of people may be; too much noise you know? But with enough coaxing and reassurance I do believe you can convince him to tag along

Most straight forward about it, wants it to be in and out, so he kinda beelines and tries to find a pair of pumpkins that'll do

"Babe... those ones are too small to carve..." "They're. Average."

Sorry I had to make that joke

Anyways

Out of all the activities there you might get him to sit down for a hayride if it's not too too packed!

Overall it's an okay experience, but really this guy would prefer the pumpkin carving at home after the fact; out on a porch sitting next to one another, alone in comfortable silence! He saves the seeds to make into snacks later

Hoodie:

A little more willing to go out! I feel like he's the easiest in terms of talking into stuff! As long as it's not anything dangerous he's more than willing to spend time with you.... all the better to keep his eye on you.. both in a cute aww he wants to protect you way and a creepy way but hey that's creepypasta for you

If they're offering shitty quickly constructed rides count him in, he's going to be the one dragging you!

While I'm not sure what rides would be there I'm sure there'd be but you're gonna be there for way longer than originally planned

Saving this for another day but Ferris Wheel trope where it gets stuck, one of y'all totally shouldn't send in a character for me to do that for wink wink nudge nudge

Probably the most emotive you see Hoodie, ever, it's actually a little jarring at first but it's cute in it's own way that he's getting all hyped up over some rides

overall? y'all forget to actually. pick pumpkins so you guys have to almost immediately return to go browse at the pumpkins that remain. Does the thing where you knock on produce to make sure it sounds right. Does he know what he's going or what he's looking for? No clue but hey there's that mental image, Hoodie kneeling down on the ground, head pressed against a pumpkin and tapping it

Ticci Toby:

Pretends to not wanna go but really he's totally fucking stoked that you wanna go somewhere with him, him? like him him? Toby? Well if you insist-

That bit sounded mean but I believe Toby feels.... I don't know how to put it but like I think it's because he used to be bullied and left out that he still gets a little surprised when you willingly invite him to hang out; not that he's complaining though

Haunted corn maze. This fucker beelines for the corn maze. You have lost your silly friend with an affinity for collecting empty snail shells (hc)

Good luck trying to find him, if it's one of those mazes with scare actors he's not going to flinch or scream so there goes your audio cue

Eventually you do find him though! So it's not totally disastrous! It just takes you upwards of fifteen minutes because you yourself got lost before looping back to the entrance, only to find this little shit sitting right by the entrance

Seriously how the fuck did he do that?

No clue

You know how sometimes pumpkins are bumpy or a lil... off looking? Leave it to this fucker to make several jokes about how they look, primarily ragging on the bumpier ones

"Hey look, it looks like you" "shut the fuck up"/j

Generally a very good time as long as you ignore the small heart attack you got when Toby disappeared! Good luck cleaning the mess after carving up your pumpkins

He probably tries to see what the guts taste like

idk what raw pumpkin guts taste like

not sure if its any good because ive only tried pre canned pumpkin puree and used it for baking so idk if it tastes good straight from the source

[tea-twords]

Title

ehehehe first fic im writing after what feels like a year or two or a billion. But im actually feeling it rn so im gonna give it a shot. AND PLS FORGIVE ME FOR BAD WRITING IM SO RUSTY RIGHT NOW IM TRYINT TO GET THR HANG OF IT

So a few headcanons I used for this fic before we get into it:

Whenever the Arataki gang is in jail for some stupid as ever thing, Shinobu gets a bit antsy after a while cause she’s the type of person to always need something to do. Not doing anything makes her a bit anxious

Heizou is very good at reading people’s emotions but that’s probably canon enough

Shinobu knows a way to make a functioning bracelet out of like 4 naku weed stems somehow

So um aha no idea how to format so I’ll try my best

And also a warning for some swear words, I also hc Shinobu swears at her ler while getting wrecked

Lee: Kuki Shinobu

Ler: Shikanoin Heizou

————————————————————————

God the day Heizou had today was surely a good one.

He returned to the police station after a day of substantial progress on his investigation into a new case to hear what sounded like a chorus of angels (and a few devils) breaking out in song.

Heizou’s immediate thought was “What in Celestia is going on”, as would anyone else think if they were in his current predicament.

He figured out pretty quickly that the culprits for this outcry of song were none other than the one and only Arataki Itto and his buddies, Mamoru, Genta, and Akira. Having been arrested for “disturbing the peace” (having a whole karaoke session right in front of komore tea house and actively inviting any passerby to join them), they decided to take their…passion, for karaoke to their prison cells and somehow managed to get some of the other inmates to sing along.

It was pretty hilarious, to say the least. It took almost all of Heizou’s willpower to not to burst out laughing as his fellow officers attempted to get the situation under control.

“I’ve got to tell Shinobu about this”

So now here he was, walking through hanamizaka, looking for the places Shinobu can commonly be found. Something was off though…

She’s not here.

“That’s troubling…” Heizou thought. “Where could she be, if not here? Definitely not any shrines, maybe at a shop? Or perhaps the by the sea!”

Heizou began to walk in the direction of the shore. It wasn’t the most logical place to look next, but something was telling him he’d get lucky there.

“Hey, Shinobu!”

He called out to the green haired girl sitting in front of the sea next to a maroon drawstring bag. She held her mask to her face, but lowered it once she saw who called out to her.

“Oh, hey.”

“My intuition told me I might find you here. I’ve got to tell you about what happened today at the-…hey are you okay?”

Heizou paused mid sentence after taking a closer look at Shinobu. She was making bracelets out of naku weed and sango pearls, but something was wrong. Her back was unusually straight, her eyebrows slightly furrowed, her movements on the bracelet were sharper than needed, and she was switching sitting positions in the sand like twice a minute. She seemed…bored. Restless. Anxious.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?”

“I’m here to talk if you need. Somethings wrong.” Heizou said, sitting down next to her.

Shinobu sighed and looked back down at the bracelet she had just finished making.

“Nothing crazy serious, I guess I’ve just been bored. I’ve done all I needed to do today, but the idea of doing nothing is just uncomfortable…It’s weird. I’m always cleaning up after the gang’s messes, but now..”

“You don’t know what to do now since there aren’t any messes to clean.” He finished for her.

“Yeah, pretty much. Gotta keep myself busy.”

“I take it that’s why you’re making bracelets by the sea?”

“I’ve got nothing better to do, so yeah. Just a hobby to pass the time.”

“They’re beautiful.”

Shinobu smiled. She looked back up at Heizou to find him marveling at the one currently in her hand. Little sango pearls were intertwined in a wreath of naku weeds. She’d been wanting to make bracelets with them ever since she picked some up during Boss’s rock and roll event at watatsumi island.

“You want one?”

“Only if there are extras.”

She opened the bag next to her to reveal she had made quite the supply of bracelets already.

“Woah…you’ve been here a while, I see.”

“Heh, yeah. By the sea is a nice place to be.”

“That rhymed.”

“Thank you.”

They sat in silence for a little longer, admiring the coming sunset before Heizou spoke up again.

“I also noticed you aren’t wearing your mask at the moment.”

“I felt like breathing the air by the ocean a little better. It helps when you need calming down. And I don’t have to keep the mask on if it’s just you here, you know who I am.”

“I guess that’s true. Still, it’s not often I get to see you without it.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts.” Shinobu said, already almost done with her next bracelet. “This one is gonna be yours.”

“Ooh, really? It’s an honor to watch the craftsman work.” He said peering excitedly at his future bracelet in-the-making.

She finished up quickly and handed it to him.

“I added an extra sango pearl, cause you’re one of my best friends.”

“Awww, really? That means so much, Shinobu, thank you.” Heizou said, his expression softening greatly. He looked like this emoji 🥺.

“Y-yeah..” Shinobu mumbled, averting her eyes.

“Aww, are you blushing?” He teased, moving a little closer to get a better look.

“No! And stop awwing at me!” She hid her face, preventing him from getting that better look.

Heizou pouted. “Shinobu come onnn, I never get to see your face! Especially not your blushing one, you can’t deny me this opportunity.”

“Shut up. You’ve seen me blush before anyway…”

“But not without the mask! Pleaseee?”

“I would rather plunge in the sea in front of us.”

Yeah, she won’t budge. Heizou has to use his secret weapon now.

From where he was sitting next to her, he wrapped his arms around her in a hug and looked up at her with puppy eyes.

“Pleaseeee?”

“H-hey! Careful! I’m not even gonna look at you.” She said, flinching first at the sudden contact but still keeping her face hidden with her hands and knees.

“Hm, “careful”, you say?”

The silence was loud. She couldn’t see his face, but she knew exactly what expression he had on.

“Wipe that smirk off your face off your face, and don’t even think about it.”

Heizou giggled mischievously. One because he did in fact have a smirk on his face, and two because he now had a new idea. An idea to get her to finally show her face, and you know, maybe help her feel a little better.

“Careful? Careful with what?” He said, lightly tapping at her sides. Nothing unbearable, but still getting a reaction.

“Heizou, noho! I’ll kill you! Don’t even try!”

“Threatening a detective with murder now, huh? I thought we were best friends, Shinobu.” He said sarcastically, glancing at his new bracelet on his wrist.

Shinobu tried desperately to squirm out of his hold. It was over for her if he went through with this, she’ll never hear the end of it.

“I personally can’t believe I didn’t think of how ticklish you can be earlier!”

“Heizou I swehehear…”

“Oh, this is good for me. Now I’ll get to see your blushing face and your laughing face without the mask at the same time!” Heizou said, picking up the pace and now scribbling his fingers at her sides.”

“Noho you wohohohont! Heheizohou!!” She giggled, her hands instinctively grabbing his wrists. However, unfortunately, due to his place behind her, she had much less leverage and it was quite futile.

“You’re suhuhuch a piehece of shihihit! AHAha-!! Asshohole!” At her remark he gave her a quick tase to the side, clearly elevating her reaction.

“Now that’s no way to talk to one of your best friends.”

“Shhuhut the fuck uhuhup!! You’re nohohot my behehest friehehend, dickhead!” She retorted, squirming in any way she could to not show him her face in this state.

“Really? I guess that extra pearl was a mistake then…I’m hurt Shinobu, really.” Heizou said, not hurt at all. He knows she doesn’t mean it at all, hell he’ll yell similar things when he’s on the receiving end too. That still doesn’t mean he’ll have mercy just yet, however. He moved one hand up by her ribs, the other hand down by her stomach, and dug in. Not too much pressure, but just enough.

“HeheHEHEY!!” Shinobu laughed. Now he was currently attacking two of her bad spots at the same time, and she knew that he damn well knew what he was doing too.

“HEIZOHOUU!”

“Shinobuuu!”

She continued to giggle brightly, not caring about hiding her face anymore and instead kicking her legs and thrashing around (adorably by the way) and doing whatever she could to escape.

Since hiding her face was no longer Shinobu’s top priority, Heizou had no problem finally seeing her laughing/blushing face without a mask.

“Aww, I see you now~” He teased, grinning down at her wide smile. He began to slow down, having got what he wanted and not wanting her revenge to be too devastating.

“Ahahrehe you happy?”

“Very happy.”

“Greheheat, you can stohohop.”

Taking her for her word that she’s had enough, he finally stopped his attack on her midsection and let her breathe as she slumped on his shoulder.

“Asshole.”

“You know it was fun.”

“You’re still an asshole.”

“Come on, look how relaxed you are now. Much better than how I found you earlier. Oh right, speaking of, I was gonna tell you-“

“Apapap, wait one second.” Shinobu interrupted. “I just want you to know I’ll get you back for your cruelty today, when you least expect it. Could be in a few seconds, could be in a few days. Your intuition won’t be able to save you, detective.”

It was Heizou’s turn to be nervous. Maybe not nervous, actually, more like excited. Anticipation always made things more fun! Not that he’d admit it in this moment.

“Mmmm…o-okay…” He shrank in on himself while Shinobu sat next to him, her eyes hungry to see him in her same position. It always amazed him how easily she could bounce back from getting tickle attacked.

“A-anyway, the four of them in their cells-“ He continued, making the most of the time he has left before his inevitable doom.

Heizou shared the story of how the gang managed to get fellow inmates singing along with them in prison, and they discussed various Arataki gang stories until the sun set.

And yes, Shinobu did eventually get him back.

————————————————————————

@adrienisweird @emiefluff HI GUYS I WROTE SOMETHING

again I apologize for bad writing I just kind of wrote as I went and lost myself in it. Still getting the hang of it but I hope u guys like it and I hope it’s a good start!!