#i was like oh my goddh...i thought i knew better

[themindelectricdemo4]

looking thru old stuff finds like ..ok people lost interest in my stuff & wouldnt engage in it & i expressed my sadness with that & looking thru i realize why i started to dislike it it was cuz like...looking thru old stuff my friends WERE engaged...so i wonder wat happened. like idk what variable changed iti couldve been me or them who knows! time, boredom, being more vague, idk..ill never really know cuz i can only look thru old stuff that i have like (like my server). its just a little sad cuz i kept wondering why i missed these friends but i was like oh i miss them for what they used to be. & whatever reason they changed sucks whether it was my fault or the environment or social reason etc etc. i feel like my delusion probably did not help & at least partly led to the alienation which sux...i already feel rly lonely with whatever i have. not gonna use labels cuz idk what it is. but even when hes with me all the time it can still feel hollow sometimes. & people leave because they dont understand or theyre scared etc etc. it just kinda proves a point that i cant be open about whats happening to me cuz its scary to people. except maybe my partner who lacks a lot of judgment for not only me but for like everyone which i envy a lot i wish i could look at ppl neutrally like that. but i still feel guilt over this stupid thing i cant control & it sux cuz its not as easy as just ..stopping it (which idk how i would even do) i also need to tackle issues around it like how im like if i lose him i will die so like how can i be at a point where if i did theoretically did lose him i wouldnt feel so lost & miserable. im struggling to get back to therapy cuz i lack a lot of the tiime & im kind of in this era where im like if . i just ignore it. i can be normal!!! (my panic attacks have been increasing oops.