#im going to just be happy as i am and chill out.
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Adding the full yap because a few people asked for it !
(no fast pass spoilers, I'm not caught up yet anyway!)
I feel like this theme applies to almost every character in the main cast.
First of all, we all know that one of Chase's biggest aspirations is to be a famous singer, even though nobody in his life really thinks he can do it. He seems perfectly aware of this. He knows that everyone thinks his dream is impossible, and maybe part of him thinks the same thing, but he just doesn't care. He's still extremely determined to realize his goals despite what everyone thinks of him.
Buddy especially doesn't think very highly of him (at first!)- throughout a good portion of the season, he constantly assumes Chase is going to give up the stories as soon as they get hard. But as Chase says in Sick Day, it's not his style to give up. He is so much more than what a lot of people expect him to turn out to be and he's so cool and I love him so bad
This applies to Buddy pretty obviously too. He's meant to be a cold and ruthless villain, and he certainly does try to be that. He's tough and more than a little mean at times, but we can see pretty consistently that he isn't as heartless as he might want people (Chase) to think. Even from the beginning when he's determined to antagonize Chase and get his key, he drops hints and helps him to finish the stories.
I always thought the scene in the Cinderfella arc where he tells Chase that he can eat the storybook food was really interesting. Like, he has no incentive to do that. He has no reason not to sit by and watch Chase suffer wanting to eat the desserts. But instead he does this small act that is, whether intentionally or not, actually kinda nice of him. It's just another small moment that shows that the villain persona people expect of him isn't really all that he is.
(This is a smaller thing, but I think with his exterior and how he acts in the books, we kind of expect him to be cunning and hard-working. I believe Punko said in a Q&A that in his free time he's actually an extremely lazy person, contrary to how we usually see him. I'm just mentioning that because I think it's funny and I love him a lot.)
Deacon is an extremely complex character with so many layers that I honestly am still grappling with, this guy's really cool.
A lot of his struggles are with the expectations placed on him. We know his whole life and career have been planned out for him by his parents. There's constantly a lot of pressure on him to work hard at this path that has been chosen for him, but in reality, he doesn't want any of it. My man just wants to read his shitty fantasy novels and chill with horses, give him a break !!
He's also constantly trying to defy his role as the helper key (specifically in Sick Day and The Book of Deacon). I think it's really interesting how he struggles to accept his role. Chase and Buddy don't actively try not to be the hero and the villain, they just naturally are more morally grey with it. Deacon, on the other hand, is almost a little desperate to go beyond being a helper and fall into another alignment, acting carelessly and causing trouble because of it. And the thing is, it makes perfect sense why he'd do it.
Books are very much a source of escapism for him. Actually getting to LIVE OUT the books is extremely exciting. Inside the books, he has a chance to escape his parents' expectations- being the helper, though, he just feels like he has a new set of expectations placed on him. Once he actually gets to be the hero in The Book of Deacon, he learns that this role is just as tough- again, he's trading one set of expectations for another. There's really no winning for this man lol. but im getting a little off topic here.
What Deacon needs is to reject the expectations his parents have placed on him and do what will make him truly happy. We can see how Buddy and Chase sort of naturally deviate from their expectations just through being themselves, but Deacon is still struggling in this process. Deacon is struggling to be himself in the way Buddy and Chase do.
There is still that level of acceptance he needs to have for his current situation though, specially in his helper role. He's still struggling to grasp all that being a helper means and how it's still just as important a role to take on as the hero or villain. He needs to find a way to balance his responsibilities and his happiness.
In Prunella's case, it's a bit harder to say- as of Friends and Family, we haven't gotten to spend as much time with her as the boys, so we're still learning more about her. I think the irony of this little girl getting to play the role of the big strong hero is sort of a subversion of expectations in itself lol.
We've also seen her upbringing. We've seen her mom. We've seen her house. It's a big awesome fairytale mess, and she doesn't really fit into it at all- being more into wilderness survival, she's not really what most people would assume her to be when they see her home life. Nothing wrong with that of course, just worth mentioning. We also learn in Friends and Family that she's very advanced for her age- she's extremely smart and probably a lot more understanding and level-headed about all the key business than I think a lot of other kids would be. I'd say she deviates from what a lot of people would expect of a child her age.
I'd love to hear if anyone has any other thoughts about her character !! I like her a lot and I'm excited to get to know more of her in the story :)
I wanna touch on the Keys last, specifically Silver. This part will be more speculation, so take it with a grain of salt.
In line with the theory about Silver possibly betraying Chase, this theme would apply perfectly. The way we've gotten to know Silver, she's extremely sweet and caring. She acts very selflessly for her family and friends and is eager to lend Chase a helping hand in saving his mom.
What we need to remember is that her first priority is to take care of her family. Helping Chase with his thing is definitely a means to reunite everyone (since he'll need all 12 keys to make his wish anyway), but it may not feel like she's doing enough. Helping her family and taking care of the Keys is her ultimate goal. If she's the heroine of her story, it makes perfect sense that she would take whatever actions necessary to do this.
The problem is, Cinderella Boy follows CHASE as the protagonist. We're rooting for Chase to evade Ex Libris, collect the keys, and save his mom. From this perspective, Silver betraying Chase, going behind his back, etc. would technically be an antagonistic action.
Am I saying that makes her a villainess? No, I really don't think so. But we've come to know Silver as a kind, supporting force for Chase. All I'm saying is, if she really were going behind Chase's back in some way (referring specifically to the letter she writes to Violet at the end of Friends and Family), it would absolutely subvert ours and Chase's expectations of her. It would line up with the theme of defying these expectations.
This theme is another of the many reasons why the Beach Boys arc is so important.
Circling back to Chase and Buddy, the core relationship at the center of the story- up until this point, Chase and Buddy have not cooperated with each other. Just a few episodes ago was the Toffee Break arc, where Buddy was an absolute menace and Chase straight got him thrown off a boat, lol.
But then Chase sees Buddy struggling to light a fire, and he does something unexpected. Even though he and Buddy have spent pretty much every moment together as rivals, he offers Buddy a tip on how to start the fire. He completely subverts what we've come to expect of their relationship. And then Buddy does something even more unexpected by returning the gesture and sharing his fish.
They're meant to be the hero and the villain- complete antagonists to one another. But in this moment they both choose to defy their expected roles and share a small, nice moment.
Later, Chase offers to help Buddy get out of the dangerous situation he's living in, and Buddy assumes he's lying. He doesn't expect Chase to be genuine about it. But like he says in Beach Boys (VI), Chase gets mad at him for doing the same thing, and he realizes he's been wrong about Chase maybe the whole time. Chase is not at all like Buddy expected him to be.
I think the point Chase makes in this episode about their roles as the hero and the villain is extremely important to the story as a whole. Buddy is meant to be the villain, so he's supposed to be a horrible person. Chase is meant to be the hero, so he's supposed to be patient and forgiving. But Chase says it himself- he doesn't care about that. He isn't the perfect protagonist we might expect him to be. He's an extremely kind and good person, yes, but he also has no trouble standing his ground and acting the way HE wants to, despite what everyone thinks of him. And Buddy, while harsh and standoffish, has plenty of moments that showcase how he's actually quite a caring person when he starts to let down his guard around someone.
Hell, even the entire concept of Cinderella Boy as a whole is kind of a subversion of expectations in itself!!!! A boy finds a magical artifact that lets him enter and play out any story he uses it on, but, ironically, he always has to be the princess?? it's amazing i love it
Cinderella Boy shows us consistently that nobody is stuck playing the role everyone expects them to. Nobody is bound to the perceptions that other people have of them, and everyone is free to defy these expectations and be the person they want to be. Chase says it best in Beach Boys (IV): "Nobody should have to accept being the villain if they're trying their best not to be."
To rap up my yap session, Cinderella Boy is a narrative about defying expectations and other people's perceptions of you and being a person of your choosing and everyone should go reread it one billion more times !!!!!!
shout-out to Cinderella Boy and its ongoing theme of defying the expectations everyone has for you and being more than your roots and upbringing, gotta be one of my favorite genders fr
#cinderella boy#cinderella boy webtoon#character analysis#chase hollow#buddy#deacon hollow#prunella cinderella boy#silver cinderella boy#webtoon
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I honestly don't really see a reason to fight others about what they think about p-shifters
Yes I've argued in the past
But like at the end of the day I don't know you, you don't know me, and i will most likely not interact with you again
people call p-shifters cultists. But like, we don't call ourselves cultists without good reason. We don't even call each other or ourselves p-shifters inside our own groups. Most of yall just see the word p-shifter and automatically assume, so please block me lol. I'm not going to talk with people who don't accept me, period lmao. (As in, block me if you are actively going against those who call themselves p-shifters ty)
We just are animals. That's it, we are just who we are. We aren't spending ages talking and arguing about how p-shifting works and running around in circles arguing usually.
It usually just consists of "Look i found this cool thing out!" and others will go ":0000" and then talk about tarot cards or the weather or something lol. Or there will be analysis, but either way we are just living and communicating with those who agree with us when it comes to our identity.
Most of those who are actually cultists are immature, childish adults who have nothing better to do with their lives usually then fight with teenagers and make more rules on how to exist within your identity. We ignore them and don't give them a platform, then its done for (usually again).
Tbh i feel like a lot of people don't realize that our communities (alterhuman and physical nonhumans) are nearly identical, except of one fact that we have been arguing over since the internet has existed. Like... 20 years.
None of us really don't care anymore if you continue to make warnings about how abusive or cult-like we are, when we know we aren't 🤷
I mean like there are and will always be those who pipe up in defense for us, and I honestly really appreciate it. I don't like being perceived as a cultists or an evil person because I identify with something 💀
Its just a known fact that we aren't accepted outside of our small community (which allows cults to grow in mass because some feel completely unsafe otherwise without that one group) but we deal with it anyways.
We find others like us and giggle about it, maybe share some help with others about being able to master some shifts better or puzzle slme identitystuff out, then we are on our way. We don't group for long periods of time in the shifter community lol.
Also, did you know that therian meant the same thing in the really early days? Like therians now, and physical nonhumans, they all called themselves therians. We still have old guides on how to shift referring to therians instead of shifters.
Regardless, I like mrrping on the internet and decided i would ramble a few more times to you guys.
#mountain lion.txt#p-shift#p-shift discourse#frostbane hisses#(sort of hisses?)#I'm just mrrping#I mean nothing bad by this#but I am being genuine block me if you have an active problem with p-shifters in general#im going to just be happy as i am and chill out.#I got to bite the rain yesterday#wish it snowed tho#I've had a lot of phantoms today#it was great#aight bye#nonhuman#real werewolves
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moth-flowers #17
#moth-flowers#my art#comics#autobio comics#Its a little crummy but im glad i made something. and actually posted it!#depression#Our neighbors r pretty cool. talking with the husband makes me happy cos he's just a chill dude and i think he's kinda like me?#Like he was cleaning out his car one time and he said it just takes him longer than most people bc he's kinda slow. and i had a moment of#like. recognition. I get things done but i just take a lot longer than other people and i dont really know why its just how i am#And he's like. a real adult. with a partner and kids and a house and a job. and if he can make it then maybe ill be okay too.#Also I like listening to him talk he has a very interesting cadence and overall soothing voice quality#Also the sleep schedule thing. Right now I've been feeling my best when i take a 2ish hour nap when i get home. I usually dont go to sleep#Until 12pm regardless and good god has the nap been helping me. I feel less like shit and more alert its so great#My dad keeps giving me shit about it. but fuck it we ball
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okay today was like the first time since surgery that i've been able to exist as a human outside my house!! and i had a great time even though i am PAYING FOR IT. HEAVILY 💀
#god my ribs are KILLING ME SLOWLY#anyway i had a good day 🥺🥺🥺 last night my partner and i woke up at the same time#bc we both had to pee. and i totally forgot but when we laid back down i told her ''i'm hungy..''#bc it was like 3 am and i didnt wanna get up. so i just wanted to complain lol#but she woke me up to a big breakfast she ordered in like ''hey it made me sad that you were hungry jn the night-#so i got you and i a big breakfast 🥺👉👈💖'' and UGH it made my heart so happy#and then we chilled out before i decided i could handle leaving home and wanted to go to the mall#and i had a really good time existing in public!!! im getting a little depressed from being bed bound#i FINALLY got after laughter on vinyl after wanting it for like almost 5 years 😭😭😭#and some cute stickers!!! anyway yeah i had a nice day w my baby and it made me happy 🥹💖#as much as im hurting badly rn it was worth it for the lil date 💖💖💖 pain meds should help soon anyway#im just glad to have finally gotten out of the house#chatter#round 2#also let me just say my previous thoracotomy did NOT prepare me for this one.#turns out the open version is VERY DIFFERENT. which i knew but god its so stark when youre living it#p sure by 2 weeks post op last time i was relatively fine!!!! almost back to normal#oh and uh#autumn
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The Fourth Day of Britannicus
Today I am doing Imperium: Nero.
What. What did they do to him? I think the general rule of thumb is that when the actor for Britannicus has the five o'clock shadow, he's too old. I do not like this. He does not have the Britannicus energy.
This is supposed to depict someone who can't be older than 13 (I actually don't know how old he is supposed to be here because I didn't watch the entire movie. I merely skimmed it like you would do a book. I remember that earlier in the movie, Messalina was still alive. I seriously hope there was a time-skip and Brit was 13 here, because while this looks much too old for a 13 year old, this looks incredibly too old for someone who can't be older than seven. I'm just going to assume he's 13. But keep in mind that he can be any age younger. I just don't know)
I really don't like this one. When I saw that this was Britannicus, I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry (though it seems that Britanncius wasn't the only one to get the short end of the straw. *cough* LongDarkHair!Nero *cough*). No offense to the actor, of course. He just isn't a good actor for Brit. Brit was a child. This is a grown man. I cannot see him as Brit. To me, this is only a symbol to represent him.
And maybe that's the problem with this Britannicus series. It's either "Too old. Not good," or "Young looking. Good," which is kind of boring. Maybe I should look past age for a more interesting analysis. But it's hard!
I'm trying to imagine him as much younger, the age of Britannicus. Do I dislike this simply because of age? Yes. I think Britannicus would look great with that hair and facial features if only the actor was younger.
I guess, to me, the most important part of a depiction of Britannicus is the age. If he looks much too old, I will never be happy. But if he looks the appropriate age, I will be happy and I will be okay with quite a lot of variation.
This is different than how I feel about depictions of Cocktavian, because in that case, I'm extremely picky and will not be happy until he looks exactly the way he looks in my head. To this day, I have not seen a single depiction of Cocktavian I was happy about. I think the closest was an illustration of him from a children's book about ancient Rome. I really liked how he looked, but the thing is... the illustration had dark hair and eyes! Yes, I believe all colors of hair and eyes and skin are beautiful, but in my head, Cocktavian is fucking blond like the sources say.
#but make sure cocktavian's hair is not too blond#suetonius said subflavus y'all#chill out and dont make his hair blindingly light#yeah this is why i am unable to be happy with any depiction of him#ancient rome#roman history#britannicus#the 13 days of britannicus#wow we're a third of the way through#this is where im going to start to struggle to find depictions of brit#i know of three drawn depictions from tumblr#two more depictions ive mentioned on tumblr but havent included in this series yet#and im sure ill find the rest on youtube from videos of people performing britannicus by jean racine#thank u jean racine#i think ill be fine#imperium nero#cocktavian#i literally just remembered that i promised to always call the first roman emperor cocktavian no matter what#so i will do it until i forget again
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Okay last post before sleep cuz ngl though I'm not gonna put Conan in p5 simply cuz there's Too Many Things going on with him that I'd have an easier time with Kaito instead which also, can yall see the problem then? Conan and Kaito is similar in that they're both pursuing and being targetted by a dangerous organization, Kaito is at risk a lot more considering how he's practically putting himself out there with his heists as Kaito KID while the times Conan gets in danger is when he tries to get closer to any of his org nemesis' henchmen for evidence, which doesn't happen often.
But despite that Conan has A Lot of reliable allies, Kaito included (not really on the "reliable" part but more on the "ally" part). While Kaito only has Jii-san which is the same guy making the KID gadgets for him and Conan (again not a "reliable" one for Kaito but still an "ally"). And like???????? What about Kaito's other allies? I'm not counting the group Kaito got pulled into by his childhood friend which is a group made to Catch KID and not help 'Kaito.' Like, what kinda allies are that, Aoko only wants to catch the magician thief, Hakuba is... Hakuba (he can be an "ally" but like Conan, not a reliable one), and there's that... witch who never really does anything much to help but give out warnings. (I forgot her name holup... AKAKO! There we go).
Compared to Conan who has like, a lot, and most of em are spoilers so if whoever reading this wanna get into dcmk, feel free to skip. There's Agasa that's the one creating the gadgets for him, Ai who knows his secret and is practically in the same boat as him (since she was a scientist from the org that wanted out yet shrunk too), Heiji which is like his bestie who's a fairly good detective, THE AKAI FAMILY (That entire family is a mf unit bro, there's a FBI sharpshooter, a mom that's a mi6 agent, another highschool detective with skills on par with Conan that knows jeet kune do, a shogi master that's also insanely good at strategizing in general. Like bro, wtf), Furuya Rei aka Amuro Tooru aka Bourbon-- Also a wtf moment there. CONAN HAS PROTECTION FROM VERMOUTH, one of the most important members of that same organization he's pursuing. Vermouth refuses to hurt and especially kill Conan and Ran.
Like, that kid has it all meanwhile Kaito DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE??? The treatment here. So yes, I'm only putting Kaito in p5 cuz he deserves ppl to be there for him if there's barely anyone in his own source material. (Maybe I'd even put Hakuba in p5 too, as a treat, cuz he's also gotten the short end of the stick too). Hakuba can be with Akechi to put some load off his back with the addition of Another thief getting added in their universe except Hakuba is also a menace of his own way so honestly, good luck Akechi.
#aria rants#wai a sec i aint forgettin bout the fact that tho conans parents are also Horrible and mostly#absent from All That is practically going on. when it counts. conan can call em for help and like#his dad is an insanely good detective and his mom is an insanely good actress that also knows#how to do disguises LIKE???? man. i just realized how bad kaito's situation is when put side to side conan's#my guy doesn't even have any reliable allies bro like what he gon do during the big confrontation???#his dad is ASS. his mom doesnt even visit him and is living in ANOTHER COUNTRY#her son is in a deadly situation and shes out there chilling someplace far away like GOD#someone save kaito actually. like tbf... well like no confrontation gonna happen yet#considering that gosho only started to pick up magic kaito again after like so many years#like... maaaaaan. he rlly did get the short end of the stick bro save my son yall#am happy he picked the story up again but also like-- gayum. crossing my fingers this#doesnt turn out into another conan 2.0 or a mini conan 2.0 where it spans on for years#okay this got long and fr did end up as a rant. whys my brain so active whenever im sleepy
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ouGh
#the tarot person i met at halloween and i have been talking like. EVERY day#and she just sENT ME A VOICE NOTE#and im just like.#blushy anxious and i wanna hang out and !!!!#am UNABLE to tell my OWN intentions let alone hers but im trying to just be CHILL and match her ENERGY#which means i DO have to send a voice mail back nsnskajNDNDJJD#but i think shes really cool and im so happy to have met someone new and on my own and like !!!#shes so KIND !!! and encouraging and smart !!!!#this should all be going in my journal but im feeling daring and posting instead#irl#personal#ANYWAY im excited i have made a grown up friend#i admire her willingness to be so emotionally open and just !! go for the things she wants!!! she runs her own tarot business like thats so#wicked#she posted my etsy review on her insta story and i was giggling all day about it#and weve been playing a game where ill post a daily rough for my tarot deck and she'll guess the card and its been FUN IM HAVING FUN!!!#shes a part of this group of local artists and craftspeople who table at shows and festivals and markets and they have just !!!#a cool little community!!!!!!!!!#i wanna get in there but i also dont want to be. too large about it#one of the people in that community does WICKED stick and pokes and ive been thinking about getting one from her#but what if i do my patened 'getting tatttooed' move and get soooooo awkward and get big foot in mouth disease huh what THEN#well. like all the other times i have done this (every single one) i get some sick forever art out of it#and id even go back to one of the artists probably without crying in shame on the bus the whole ride therebdjsksmmsms#ANYWAY THESE ARE TRULY JOURNAL THOUGHTS MY GOD
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pretty people <3<3<3 beautiful bois and gorgeous gorls <3<3<3
#i am. having a rae moment my girl my daughter my everything...#her gf calls her her 'rae of sunshine' and rae calls violet her 'letty bug' theyre so cute im going to go into diabetic shock#BUT ALSO.. billy is so sweet... he's the kind to absolutely want kids and he has Girlboss GF...#also i dont think ive ever mentioned it but billy is a bpd king and i think that's very boyboss of him#he has a hard time with orange sometimes bc she's very nonverbal with her acts of love and not the most cuddly#so he ends up feeling like he's done something wrong and spiralling... she learns how to speak his metaphorical language tho!#billy is kinda All The Emotions Ever and orange is pretty monotone but she puts a lot of effort into learning how to communicate with him#and learning his emotional needs.. she's a very Steady person yk? she has her stuff together so she doesn't mind putting in some extra work#so her boyfriend feels comfortable around her...#i also love billy bc he's very comfy in his masculinity#blue and red are both v masculine people but billy and rae came out p feminine (billy less so)#billy's more than happy to be a model for orange's work; he loves baking and he's learning how to sew from his gf; he doesn't need scruff#and callouses to feel like a man. and i like that a lot about him#when he nd rae were growing up he had kind of a one sided rivalry with her because he felt like she; being someone who just lost her#parents; was 'getting all of the attention' so he tried VERY VERY VERY hard to be 'worthy'#he chilled out when he got older but it was pretty rough for him as a kid. he felt like he had to work twice as hard to be loved#bc rae was related to red so she had that automatic family tree tie. but he was adopted#and he was adopted BECAUSE blue enjoyed caring for rae so much that they wanted their own baby yk#he's very sweet and sensitive i love billy...#the only person who doesn't call him billy is orange and that's because she calls him william or will#this just turned into a billy ramble but </3 i love him he's a good kitty kat man
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I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).
#diary#personal#on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes#like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me?#like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap#like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange#fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate#idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh.#it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness.#heck i even mask everything inbetween.#honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC#i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me.#idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere#i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things).#i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need.#id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out.#id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend.#id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now.#i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings .#like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order.#HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want????#i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food.#eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted.#yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought.#over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain.#i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me.#like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk.#maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy.#theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless.#i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.
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#negative cw#i am feeling. very not good#every day we go to restaurants where there's nothing on the menu i can eat bc all ive been able to manage lately is soup#or sometimes mash potato and gravy but like. its gotta be a Good day and i have not had good days in a While#so i just sit and have nothing while they eat then down an entire block of white chocolate as soon as we get home bc its my comfort food#and like. i dont mind not eating at a restaurant or whatever im cool to chill and chat while someone eats it doesnt bother me#its just when theyre doing it every day and getting annoyed when I say i dont want anything as if they don't already know#mixed w the fact that my sister has been constantly unbearable its just been Rough#esp since we share a room#and we've been having issues w our accommodation in new york but i think hopefully it'll be sorted#im just exhausted and stressed all the time and there's no end in sight#and this trip has just made me aware of how much i do not feel loved by the people who should make me feel loved#like i love my mom and she does her best and she does make me feel better but sometimes shes a part of the problem#and i have support at home my roommates are so good for me but. theyre not here#and i feel shit every time i tell my roommate how i feel bc this is a once in a lifetime trip that she may never have a chance to take#and it makes me feel so guilty and selfish to not enjoy this but its so hard to enjoy#that one week where we were on the boat and i could have multiple soups a day was the only time i was happy#and its because i wasnt constantly starving and we didnt have stress about luggage or where we're staying#but ever since its just been constant stress and anxiety and hunger#and like. theres nothing i can really do ab any of it bc seeking out something i need means they dont get to do something they want#and i cant take what my sister wants away from her bc she'll throw a fit#mum says the usa will be ab me more but i know it wont be. i know exactly how it'll work#i will not have a chance to rest and be happy until im home and even then i have to find a job as soon as im back#bc i have bills and rent and i only budgetted enough for a month after i get back and that's with barely any groceries#and i get the feeling my roommates mad at me or upset ab something but i don't know how to approach it bc im on the other side of the world#and idk i feel like its me i feel like i did something wront#im just tired and sad and hungry all the time#but that's just. kinda my life innit#i just wish. people weren't upset with me all the time. i try so hard not to upset people but nothing i do ever seems good enough#i just want to be good enough. but i know im not.
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sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what
#i feel like jealous of them because they get to live their life at least feeling right about one thing#they can be perfectly content with their bits and their birth self. and i am so jealous that i probably wont feel that way ever#im like weirdly so envious of people who have such a usually uncomplicated and easy view of gender#this is a totally different thing but im so jealous of people who have almost over involved and cool parents#i’ll see people who like. their parents have an instagram account..and they’ll like…tag each other#and put stupid mother-daughter stuff on their story or idk. be so chill and aware of their kid’s lives#my mom is definitely involved in my life and she does love me but she just like. idk.#there’s probably a lot that goes on those behind closed doors but they’re so like supportive of their Out kids and they like post about it#so something must be going right.#i wish i could just be out to my mom and proudly say hey im your lesbian son now but i can’t because ill be killing her beloved daughter#all i am to her is her Daughter who’s like a best friend to her. and i would feel really bad if i ever kill that idea#in my mind knowing im trans i already know that that girl is dead but its like i haven’t broken the news to the family#they’re so blissfully unaware their daughter is dead and that their son killed her#i dont want to live with that guilt so i’ll have to dispose of the evidence of her body and run far away as a new man#yea theyd accept me if i came out as a lesbian. its like having a daughter but not having to worry about grandchildren#but not if i was physically something else. they wouldn’t kick me out they wouldn’t be outwardly mad.#but they’d always be disappointed that shes gone. they’d always grieve her. they’d always insist she was still here#so thats why like. i can’t. im gonna have to turn eighteen move far away transition to the man i am and never return#let them believe their beloved daughter is missing rather than dead#and these kids. this one specific person actually. can just. be out and be happy and have their parents accept and love them unconditionall#or some never have to come out because they were born right and their parents will love them still and they don’t have to be as#as in danger about their rights right now because of the government#or feeling so Wrong their entire lives or even when they figure out what’s wrong that they cant fix it yet#or having to choose between being repressed and miserable about their real self forever or running away or having to live with eternal guil#while being themself and trying to be happy#they get to feel right about their identity and can comfortably fit in with groups#some cis people anyways#for others theres a lot of other external factors not about gender that makes some people so. kinda like this#like im completely sure there’s plenty people of color who feel this frustration with white people or disabled people about abled people#the frustration that people who were like born or raised or live certain way that they get to have all of these things
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is there a reason that the only reason i'm looking forward to this hangout is for it to not exist anymore
#blabbering#INCOMING TAG RANT BTW.#ii am being INVITED To an AMUSEMENT park#why am i not happy. i like this girl she's neat. she's my friend.#but i just don't care i don't want to go out.#i don't know why#i crave human connection.. i want friendship and to spend time with people..#but i want it on my own terms or something#i don't know actually#i just don't want to go to this hangout#i feel so against it all#and i want to have friends and be merry but it's like..........#i dread hanging out. i dread being around people. it makes me feel so uneasy and dreadful#like im so excited for august because it'll mean i no longer have a hangout to look forward to.#i can't stay underneath a rock forever even if it's comfy#i know that. obviously . i know it's good for me to be around people#so why does it feel so ??? not good to me#as if it's like not something i want#i was frantically googling “How to tell if you want to be around someone” and “how to tell if you don't want to hang out with someone"#it wasn't really helping because nobody makes articles for that level of fucked-uppedness.#i just prefer to be on my own i like to dictate my own happenings#and if i want to be around someone it's my boyfriend or my best friend or my family#and even with my family it's like umm well you guys are just chill we can do our own happenings in the same room and it's like chill#and with my boyfriend i like him always because he does nice things with me and we watch things and go do things#and my best friend is my online girl (I love ypou Meowsercat.)#so it's like well i don't have alot of friends#and that's chill i like to not have a lot of friends#but i always find myself wishing i did have a lot of friends like people who invited me places#it's just that i naturally feel the need and the want to AVOID other people#sometimes i wonder if it has something to do with the way that i was raised or the way i grew u
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List of my curses:
• Cassandra
• straight boys keep happening to me
#IM NOT EVEN INTO STRAIGHT GUYS. LIKE BY EXTENSION IM NOT ATTRACTED TO GUYS WHO ARE SUPER STRAIGHT ACTING OR WHATEVER LIKE SOME PEOPLE ARE#past two years I have had a number of crushes and I will grant that two of them? probably a little wishful thinking but not unjustified#BUT THIS GUY. THE CURRENT GUY. OH MY GOD#this guy wears ACTUAL LITERAL PRIDE SHOES. BECAUSE HE LIKES RAINBOWS.#on top of that he acts like a queer guy has mostly queer friends dresses way too nice bc he thinks straight man clothes are boring#doesn’t correct people when they assume he’s queer bc he gets this a lot! he’s literally just the coolest straight guy alive and it’s insane#i did not read this wrong at ALL he’s just insane and oh my god I love him. it’s fine I am so happy just being friends bc he’s great#like out of the five significant crushes of the past two years. we have had:#1. guy who also had rainbow stick tape. Everyone thought was gay. incredibly friendly and way too good at texting. EVERYONE THOUGHT WAS GAY#2. guy who I hadn’t talked to a whole lot but Kept talking to me and AGREED TO GO ON A DATE. AND THEN MADE IT DINNER.#because he thought it would be funny! actual complete prick but again not really a misread on my part!#3. guy who again mostly has friends who are queer. wore a dress to an event completely unprompted. again did not Act like a straight guy#4. probably the ONE time which was mostly me Hoping but I figured it out quickly enough after talking more to him. was just chill+long hair#5. TYPE OF GUY PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN TO SCIENCE WHO WEARS PRIDE SHOES DESPITE BEING STRAIGHT#homosexuality does not begin to explain the things going on here#BUT LIKE HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING IM REALLY NOT INTO STRAIGHT MEN#it sounds bad when I say yeah I keep having crushes on straight guys bc like come on man self respect BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT I SWEAR#apparently my type is incredibly chill straight guy who has gone past homophobia and come out the other end#some of them should try homosexuality instead I swear. like this is equally incredibly funny and so frustrating#gotta start checking guys’ gay cards as a requirement to talk to me#luke.txt
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🎵My life is getting heavy and it's taking such a toll
So I stopped to get a coffee that's darker than my soul🎵
#to clarify. i am fine. i am just tired and for whatever reason this song brings me joy#the witch speaks#music#well theres no unsure as to the why. its my kind of humor. tragically i have depression but also my depression has me#but i get my happy pills back tomorrow and i go on vacation next week and im gonna chill the fuck out#its that or start drinking again and i think the hell not babes#Spotify
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two lonely friends | oscar piastri
paring: oscar piastri x journalist!reader
summary: lando norris has two lonely best friends. he gets an idea, why not set them up?
f1wags: y/n l/n, landos bestfriend was seen entering the monaco grand prix paddock today!
view comments below!
user1: OH BROTHER
user2: free my girl y/n 🗣️
user3: the day y/n stops getting referred to as “landos bestfriend” is the day i can REST
user4: landos bestfriend?? sorry i only know y/n l/n f1 journalist??
user5: y’all do this every race 🙄 OFC SHES THERE. THATS HER JOB.
user6: she’s such a moocher
user7: she’s literally there to do HER JOB?
user8: it’s crazy how after a year of oscar being in f1, we still haven’t gotten a y/n and oscar interaction ???
user9: y/n, our comfort outfit queen
ynandlandocontent: my favorite snippet of landos and y/ns interview 🧡
view comments below!
user10: ugh them ☹️☹️
user11: literally just make out already
user12: the very best FRIENDS
user13: she’s so unprofessional 💀
user14: this wasn’t even part of the interview 😭 this was just a blooper 🙄
user15: OKAY BUT Y/N FINALLY GOT TO INTERVIEW OSCAR ???
user16: ugh i love them so much 😞
user17: lando and y/n shippers where??
user18: HERE 🙋♂️
oscarpastyupdates: y/n interviewing oscar today!
view comments below!
user19: oscar “but um” piastri everyone!
user20: FINALLY SOME Y/N x OSCAR CONTENT!!
user23: why do i ship…
user24: they literally only talked once 😭😭
user23: okay let me BEEE
user25: guys did you see how hard he was blushing, or am i just crazy???
user26: they literally want each other SO BAD
user27: i can feel the tension through the screen
user28: ok so do i ship lando x y/n or oscar x y/n
— one day later !
ynupdates: queen y/n was seen out last night by multiple fans! she looks beautiful!
view comments below!
user29: HELLOOO???? IS THAT NOT OSCAR
user30: ARE WE JUST GOING TO PRETEND THAT THAT IS NOT OSCAR PIASTRI???
user31: omg oscar stole landos girl
user32: landos girl???
user33: wait i like this
user34: i love how the caption doesn’t mention oscar at ALL
user35: let them cook 🔥🔥
user36: okay oscar i see you 👀
user37: i wonder how lando feels about this..
liked by charles_leclerx, yourusername, landonorris, and 673,928 others!
lando.jpg: happy birthday to my little sister! you’re ancient now 😞 here’s to many more birthdays together!
view comments below!
user38: aw ☹️
user39: okay guys i’m crying
user40: lando ALWAYS eats with his birthday captions
user41: i wonder if landos ex’s had ever felt intimidated by y/n
user42: y/n has said that she has never not gotten along with landos gfs, so there’s that!
user43: okay now kiss
user44: i still ship idc
user45: her and lando ✅ her and oscar ❌
yourusername: ugh lando you love me so much, it’s disgusting
lando.jpg: i will take away your present.
yourusername: NO IM SORRY
liked by, mclaren, landonorris, oscarpiastri and 873,928 others!
yourusername: and who’s gonna pay attention to the redheads of the world?
pic credits: some kid named oscar??
view comments below!
user46: OKAY OKAY OKAY
user47: ugh you look so good 😔
user48: OSCAR IN THE CAPTION ??? WE ARE SO BACK!!!
user49: happy birthday queen!!
user50: happy birthday 🧡🧡
user51: oscar and y/n hard launch when???
oscarpiastri: ME I’LL PAY ATTENTION TO THE REDHEADS OF THE WOLRD!!! I WILL!!
user52: okay oscar let’s calm down..
user53: oh he’s down bad
user54: who needs more confirmation then THIS??
liked by maxverstappen1, mclaren, landonorris, and 873,928 others!
oscarpiastri: happy birthday to my best friend, and the most beautiful lady in the world 🧡
view comments below!
landonorris: bestfriend?
landonorris: oh okay
landonorris: cool cool cool
landonorris: yeah that’s chill
landonorris: totally NOT going to brust out into tears rn
landonorris: hahaha
landonorris: that would be stupid
landonorris: cool cool cool
landonorris: okay okay okay
landonorris: i set you two up and you just completely forget about me huh
landonorris: wow i can’t believe this
landonorris; i’m going to die alone
landonorris; alone and sad
landonorris: FUCK YOU GUYS
user55: let’s all just move pass lando having a mental breakdown…
#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri#oscar piastri x you#oscar piastri x y/n#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri fluff#oscar piastri smau#oscar piastri social media au#f1 x female driver#f1 x female reader#f1 x y/n#f1 x you#f1 x reader#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 fic#f1 smau#f1 social media au
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Mine All Mine
♡ masterlist - request!
♡ pairing - oscar piastri x fem!reader (fc - hailee steinfeld)
♡ summary - (request :) oscar obsessing over his girlfriend on the internet!
♡ warnings - horny/simp oscar, crack, some fluff, some cursing, use of y/n
♡ w/c & a/n - smau | thank you so so much for requesting!! i hope you enjoy lovely xx
oscarpiastri HEYYYY LOVEEEE
yourusername HIIIIII SWEETHEART
oscarpiastri wow wow WOW 🤩 liked by yourusername
username she's so 😍
oscarpiastri tell me about it 😩
danielricciardo AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE
oscarpiastri OI OI OI
yourusername my fav aussies 🥹
landonorris lets gooo 🔥
yourusername cant wait to see you black out drunk tonight 🫡
oscarpiartri i am NOT getting thrown up on by him again. you can walk his drunk ass back to the car this time
landonorris I SAID I WAS SORRY 😣
oscarpiastri sorry doesn't heal my trauma
yourusername stop being dramatic oscar 😭
oscarpiastri you're right sorry love 🥺
zendaya BEAUTYYY
yourusername SAYS YOU 😘
oscarpiastri you're right MY girlfriend is such a beauty 🥵
zendaya oh hell nah 😭 stay mad i had her first
oscarpiatri go back to your british boy 👹
yourusername ladies ladies there's enough of me to go around 😎
oscarpiastri UGHHH ON MY KNEESSSSS 😻🙇
yourusername later babe 😉
oscarpiastri 👅
pierregasly EW YALL FREAKS
oscarpiastri 😺
alex_albon I MISS THE CUTE AND SHY OSCAR
oscarpiastri you think im cute?🥺
alex_albon ...
mclaren guys..........
username PICK ME CHOOSE ME LOVE ME
oscarpiastri no no and no ☺️ she picked, chose, and loves ME 😂
oscarpiastri YOU ARE SO HOT AND SEXY AND FINE AND PRETTY
yourusername NO YOU AREEE 🫵🏻🥰
oscarpiastri HEHEHEHE IM BLUSHING
landonorris can confirm ✅
oscarpiastri my pants are kinda tight rn
charles_leclerc AYOOO GROSS 🤮
carlossainz55 I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT EW
landonorris STOP OMG IM RIGHT NEXT TO U
yourusername HELP ME LMAOAOAOAO
mclaren no words.
yourusername close your eyes admin 😶😨
username IM CRYING OSCAR TMIII
oscarpiastri im just a boy with a hot gf 🥺🎀
username its okay king im with you 🧱
oscarpiastri you are disgusting wtf blocked 🤢
arianagrande MY GIRL 💋
yourusername ARI 💗
oscarpiastri *cough* MY girl *cough*
mclaren the prettiest ever 🧡 liked by yourusername
oscarpiastri HOLY MOLY liked by yourusername
oscarpiastri PHEW WEE MAMA liked by yourusername
oscarpiastri IM DROOLINGGGG LOVE 🤤
yourusername I LOVE YOU OSC
oscarpiastri I LOVE YOU MOST ❤️
charles_leclerc red for ferrari?
oscarpiastri 🧡* never.
scuderuaferrrari damn it 😕
mclaren thats our boy 😁
lewishamilton loved the movie!!
yourusername im so glad !! 🥰
tomholland2013 andrew told me to comment that he loved working with you!! and i also think the movie was amazing 😊
yourusername thank you to both of you!! im happy you liked it tom :)
zendaya WE* loved it, you ate babes
yourusername just date me already z 🛐
oscarpiastri hello?? no wtf
zendaya you cant come between our love aussie boy
oscarpiastri maybe not, but ik smt else I can come in between
maxverstappen1 LOG OFFF
georgerussell63 SOMEONE TAKE THIS KIDS PHONE AWAY
yukitsunod0511 im telling a trusted adult 😟
landonorris IM TELLING YOUR MOM
oscarpiastri NO PLEASE
mclaren two strikes. one more and your out.
oscarpiastri since when is f1 baseball
username YOU ARE SO GORGEOUS
oscarpiastri GORGEOUSLY MINE
username chill bro no ones stealing her ☺️
oscarpiastri IM SO PROUD OF YOU DARLING
yourusername thank you love 💕🥹
username THE MOVIE WAS SO GOOD
yourusername yay im so happy you enjoyed it!! ❤️
username OMG ILY
oscarpiastri yall wouldn't believe how easy that dress was to remove
yourusername OML OSCAR NO
carlossainz55 STOPPPPPPP
alex_albon ENOUGH
yukitsunoda0511 m-ma pick me up i'm scared
yourusername NOOO MY BBY YUKI IM SORRY 🙁
landonorris why are you always talking abt ur adult time online
oscarpiastri IF YALL DONT WANT TO SEE THEN GET OFF MY GFS PAGE 🙄
mclaren and thats strike three, my office in 30 - zak
landonorris oooo you're in trouble 😂🫵🏻
kimkardashian gorgeous
yourusername 💋
emmawatson beautiful girl 💞
yourusername coming from the definition of beauty herself 🥹
yourusername OMG OSCAR 🥹🥹🥹 liked by oscarpiastri
yourusername IM GONNA CRY
oscarpiastri dont cry love im not there to kiss the tears away ☹️
username 🥹 them >>>>>>>
yourusername I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 🙁
oscarpiastri I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER ♾️
yourusername you are prettier than all the sunsets
oscarpiastri i just shed a few tears
landonorris can confirm ✅
charles_leclerc are my eyes deciving me?
maxverstappen1 a... nice caption??
carlossainz55 very pg... so refreshing
username when i pull up to the who loves y/n most contest but oscar piastri is also there 🚪🏃💨
oscarpiastri easiest win of my life
yourusername osc love 🥹
username AWHHHHHHH
username ladies get yourself a man who loves you like how oscar loves y/n liked by oscarpiastri
lewishamilton my favorite couple 💙 liked by oscarpiastri
username she's so stunning 😍
oscarpiastri righttt 🥺
yourusername i like the view
oscarpiastri you do?
yourusername yes
oscarpiastri you're my best view
yourusername nah
username LMAOAOAOAOOAAO I FORGOT ABOUT THAT MEME
username ICONIC
tchalamet wow
username commenting this on OSCARS post is wild
username bros brave for that
username 1, 2, oscars coming for you 👀
landonorris THE AUDACITY
oscarpiastri i see you little french boy.
oscarpiastri if i see another comment or like from you ill hit you with my car so fast you'll go flying back to your little chocolate factory.
mclaren for legal reasons this IS a joke 😅
yourusername TIMOTHÉE IM SO SORRY DONT MIND HIM IM A BIG FAN OF YOU 🫶
tchalamet 😅 i'm scared to say thank you
oscarpiastri good 🙃
username LMAOAOOAOOAOAAO TIMMYS TRAUMATIZED
oscarpiastri ugh guys she's just JDNBGEBGW
oscarpiastri you guys dont even get it
oscarpiastri i wake up and see her and just 🥲 thank the lord
username AWHHHHHHHHH
alex_albon i didn't know he could be so sweet
yourusername IM GOING TO CRY ILYSM.
oscarpiastri and i love you more 💞
username i'm only following oscar for the y/n content
oscarpiastri thats so valid.
zendaya same.
#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri#oscar piastri x you#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri x fem!reader#oscar piastri fluff#oscar piastri imagine#oscar piastri smau#formula 1#formula 1 x reader#f1 x reader#f1 fanfic#f1#f1 imagine#lando norris#charles leclerc#max verstappen#george russell#yuki tsunoda#mclaren#mclaren boys#lewis hamilton#alex albon#daniel ricciardo#oscar piastri oneshot
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