#im going through some shit rn so i hope you can understand

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[ayyponine]

not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....

[infevious]

WISH YOU WERE SOBER

sum: confessing to him when you’re drunk

pairing: kinich x gn reader

contains: drunken confession, slight mention of his backstory

a/n: i was listening to “wish you were sober” by Conan Gray and thought of this, this is my first fic so uhhhh enjoy 😀😊⁉️ i have not written a fanfic since middle school and im high asf rn so it might be bad LOL might be ooc

———————————————————————————

This party's shit

Kinich sat around while everyone else was celebrating, he saw how you drank bottle after bottle. It hurt to see someone he cared about so deeply drink, it reminded him of his father, who he hated. But he couldn’t hate you, even if he tried.

wish we could dip, go anywhere but here

After a while you sat next to him, he didn’t want to come; he came for you. You excitedly asked if he was going to the celebration your tribe was having, he only agreed because he knew you would be there.

Don't take a hit, don't kiss my lips

You were awfully clingy when drunk, an equally drunk mualani had to pry you off her. You did the same to him; grabbing his arm and whining.

“I love you so much thank you for being my friend!” you cried

friend.

That’s all he was to you, just a friend.

And please don't drink more beer

He took the bottle away from you, poring what was left of it onto the floor and placing the empty bottle on the crate he was sitting on. He rolled his eyes as you whined

“You drank enough for tonight”

It hurt to see you drink so heavily, but he would never tell you that.

I'ma crawl outta the window now, ‘Cause I don't like anyone around

He looked around at everyone there, drunk, dancing, and celebrating. He never really talked to any of them and didn’t plan to, after all he only came for you. The few people he did talk to was strictly business. He slowly got up and took his arm away from your grip.

Kinda hope you're followin' me out

But this is definitely not my crowd

“Wait..!”

He turned around to see you stumbling behind him.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m tired” Lies.

“…Me too..um- can- can you walk me home? I’m scared to- to go alone”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want you waking home alone in this state either..”

Nineteen, but you act twenty-five now

You always thought he was mature for his age, in Mualani’s words he always “has a stick up his ass”. You couldn’t blame him though, with the environment he grew up in..

Trip down the road, walking you home

“Come on, trouble magnet”

He waited for you to catch up and put an arm around your waist holding you up so you wouldn’t fall, you could barely walk and he was annoyed, sad even.

“The stars are so pretty”

“It’s really hot..”

“Woah look at the moon!”

He was getting tired of your endless sentences. He couldn’t understand how you could be such a heavy drinker. Was it a coping skill? He went through a lot and never thought about picking up a bottle. Did you enjoy the feeling? He wouldn’t know, he always swore to never try it. He didn’t want to end up like him.

Pullin' me close, beg me, "Stay over"

“Stay over..it’s too late and- I dont want to be alone right now”

He looked down at your drunken state, eyes half lidded, cheeks red; you looked so beautiful. He was always confused on how you were never like his father when drunk, you were always smiling, laughing, dancing, the complete opposite of him.

But I'm over this roller-coaster

He listened to you talk about whatever popped up into your mind, he turned to look at you after you’ve been quiet for some time. You were just looking at him, his lips.

“This- this is a dream right..?”

He looked at you confused, dream? Where did that come from?

“Sure, yeah this is a dream”

He didn’t really think anything of it, were you going to tell him an embarrassing memory? A secret no one else was supposed to know? Or- no. You would never..you said it yourself he was just a friend.

He looked at you, the moon light making you look almost angelic. He noticed you looking at his lips and then his eyes.

“If this is a dream then i can…”

He felt your lips press against his and it felt like time had stopped.

You pulled away, whispering an ‘I really like you’ before passing out almost immediately. He just sat there, a million thoughts rushing through his head. What the hell just happened? He looked down at you and noticed a small smile.

Real sweet, but I wish you were sober

[peachyfnaf]

dawg as stupid as Omoon was acting these past few days, he was right about something. He is absolute SHIT at comforting people dhdjjfjdkfn. like holy shit your brother is greiving the loss of someone he loved, who he had to kill with his own two hands, and your response is to go on some sob story about how you aren't as cool and smart as people make you out to be and how you're a terrible brother but also you're still smart and stuff so 'ohh sunny if i'm bad just tell me, i'll still be your brother its okay, but the person your greiving was EVIL and STUPIDer!!!! im doing so much better then he did see!!!' like fuck moon you just said the most sob story nothing speech i've ever seen. and then said he'll leave and sun should just drown his feelings.

i was watching solar send hate beams through the back of moons head the whole time jdhfkf 'i don't think you where saying most of that to sun' just hit it on the head babe, you don't gotta baby him its okay to tell him that was shit LMAO

This ask is so fucking funny /pos

I sincerely hope Solar directly confronts Moon about this in upcoming episodes- cause I feel like this man is sick of seeing Moon's be assholes to their loved ones, and Solar has a lot of pent-up feelings about the Nexus situation too, I think. He's always been good at hiding those, but his emotions come out in tidal waves. If the dam breaks when he snaps at Moon, then the whole flood is coming.

And listen. I understand that Moon is not good at emotions, but now that he's finally talked to Sun and Sun has basically told him that what he needs is for Moon to just be there for him because he misses Nexus and he needs his family there with him so he's not alone in mourning his lost brother, Moon's response being "FUCK NEXUS" and then leaving Sun be to "bury his feelings" is. That's so fucking dumb of him, man. Respect to Moon enjoyers but he's being so dumb rn it's making me even more of a little hater than usual. I get that he might just be trying to help in his own way, but the way his help is being given is directly contradicting what Sun wants and needs right now. And that is not okay.

AND we know Moon is capable of proper forms of comfort because we saw him do so in the July 16th aftermath episodes. He was so kind and patient and sweet to Sun during that time, and he was there for him. He needs to do better, because we all know he can.

[yourstrullyme]

not to be weird or anything (I will proceed to be extremely weird) but uh I saw some random tags on on a post that you reblogged and now I really need you to write a fic where Cait goes looking for Jinx and finds her and yells at her to go talk to her sister okay bye

LMAO no need to apologize we embrace weird in this house

ooh man i need that fic too lol but rn i dont think i can do much im a bit busy with life but i can offer an idea of what it would look like under the cut maybe?

so like i picture it being like a few years maybe, and maybe vi's okay with it, but Cait isn't, because Cait is sure Jinx didn't die. she gets the fish guy (i think his name was steb?) to help and at first its a pretty intense search, but then it dwindles and eventually they just keep an eye out for weird stuff like maybe there's a new mechanic in some far away city that's just praised for their genius, or maybe there's a new weapon that's making some other nation's army the winner of every battle, y'know? just stuff that screams jinx was here.

and to be honest she's sort of lost hope too? like she's had her moments of rage against jinx because how could you do this to her? how could you leave her? how could you do all this and then leave? why did you survive but not stay? but also she's had time to think, to understand.

She talks to ekko about it. not that she thinks jinx is alive, no. just like vi, ekko's had enough. he tried mourning her, going through the steps, trying to find some closure, but the pain just wont leave. so he works on keeping her memory alive and in doing so deals with his regrets and mistakes in his own way. but she talks to him about her, too. just, jinx. who she was, how wrong cait was about some things, how right she was about others. her regrets, too. ekko can empathize. he also gave up on her.

so one morning when steb tells her there's been a sighting cait's just eating breakfast with vi and they're laughing about the toast vi likes to make - a mixture of butter, marmalade and avocados (idk what kind of shit they eat for breakfast in piltover sue me) - so she doesn't really register steb's interruption until vi asks about it and steb looks worried between the two. cait doesn't lie, vi would be able to tell anyways and then she'd just be hurt. no, she simply says its work and leaves. it technically is. jinx is still a wanted person in piltover, technically.

she takes an airship to a city she's never visited before. it looks like the perfect mixture between piltover and zaun. there are no great buildings or statues, no grand bridges over polluted waters; but also no trash-infested streets, no beggars in corners, no policemen abusing children.

steb's 'sighting' was actually a news outlet informing its readers that a new form of long-range transportation was being worked on after a woman had invented a seemingly 'totally efficient' battery - no loss of energy of any kind. steb was sure it had to be her. caitlyn not so much. not because it didn't match - it did. more so because of a loss of hope but rather a fantasy she'd been having for a while now. jinx, out and about, maybe on a market or just strolling through a city, happy.

she reaches the address steb gave her and finds a small bar and, immediately, she knows she's found the right place.

'the last drop' reads the sign over the door. caitlyn clenches her jaw, suddenly alert. the fantasy that had become jinx over the years is suddenly overcome by the memories of her. what if all cait'd thought was just a way for her to cope? what if jinx is still...jinx? what if she still hates her? caitlyn vaguely wishes she'd brought her gun, but it's no use. she's here now and, whoever jinx has turned into, she hopes is willing to, at least, talk.

it's the middle of the day so, rightfully so, the place is empty when she goes in. only a singular lonely figure stands there, at the bar, drying glassware as she hums along to the song on the jukebox.

"Jinx,"

[vyl3tpwny]

do you have a preferred method to get vsts and other such instruments for a DAW?? im poor as heck and dont know ANYTHING about piracy, im so scared of getting goobered by people on the internet

i wish i knew more about the best go-to sites for pirating rn unfortunately i have no clue. ppl on the internet can have such shit intentions too so i dont even know where to look or who to ask. but also here's some free + VERY cheap things u may consider (below the break):

vital synth (i will always shill for vital bc i use it constantly and its free lol)

ob-xd synth (it says buy for $49, but the free download is on the left. the buy link is just a donate)

klanghelm plugins (all these are made by one dude. mjuc is a great vintage style compressor, the dc8c is a pretty featured compressor for the price, sdrr has a particularly nice tube saturation/distortion, and vumt is a great metering plugin, i have vumt on every single project since 2019)

analog obsession (if you donate $5 to their patreon you can get every single plugin they make. also all made and maintained by one person. lots of different things, so i recommend just downloading everything and exploring the functions of the plugins)

tokyo dawn labs (all very high quality mixing stuff. they have free versions of most of their premium stuff and they're quite featured despite being free. ez.)

kilohearts (they recently made all their main effects free. and if you want their flagship stuff, its all rent-to-own as well.)

sforzando (soundfont player. if you dont know what soundfonts are, theyre essentially really condensed, lightweight sampled instruments. they can often sound rlly cheap or tacky [which might be good, i definitely love that sound] but just install this and google [instrument] soundfont and just find lots of free instruments that way)

togu audio line (some free effects and instruments if you scroll down. but i also recommend TAL Sampler if you want a cool sampler and can afford it)

meldaproduction (has a free plugin suite. theres an annoying watermark at the bottom for free versions, but everyone understands. shit is expensive)

native instruments (they have the komplete start bundle which is just a bunch of free decent stuff)

musicradar FREE SAMPLES (ive sworn by a few of the sample resources that i've gotten from musicradar as far back as 2011 lol)

looperman FREE SAMPLES (looperman is a user-sourced sample website where ppl upload samples they've made* and you can just download and use them for free. sometimes people request specific credit, so check for that if you can. *NOTE: its very possible for people to upload unlicensed samples or stuff they didn't make so use your best judgement when sorting through stuff)

freesound FREE SAMPLES (freesound rules always reliable)

synth1 (AHHHH IM SO HAPPY I CAN RECOMMEND THIS RIGHT NOW!!!! synth1 used to be abandonware but was finally picked up again and is supported by modern systems once more. i used this religiously from 2013-2017. and i'm going to start using it again honestly)

valhalladsp (this is the only exclusively premium thing i'm going to leave in this thread [aside from bitwig, below], but it's just that god damn good. every plugin of theirs is $50, so if you can manage to go for ValhallaVintageVerb and/or ValhallaDelay you will basically never need another reverb/delay ever again; would recommend NOT pirating from them if you can help it bc theyre definitely a very small company but u know.. ur call)

bitwig (if you need a DAW, i can now heartily recommend Bitwig. it's on the rent to own program through splice if you're ok getting it legally...)

—

i know this isnt what u asked but i hope its still helpful. i've also rescinded my recommendations for spitfire audio bc the company was revealed to be run by a bunch of queerphobic knuckleheads. everything in this list i have personally used for my own music and can vouch for them from actual experience (YES even bitwig, i made the song "Futura" on Carousel exclusively with Bitwig, making it the first time i've made an entire song outside of Ableton since 2014).

again i hope this helps, forgive me for not knowing enough about pirating at the moment 😭 please make so much music and please look at this animal:

[shjiyemis]

Gonna be so real rn.

I barely care about the election rn and my frustrations are focused on the people of minority groups who decided to vote for The parody version of the Annoying Orange, People who voted 3rd Party, and People who didnt vote at all and people who voted for Kamala wishing death upon people who dont deserve it to make the other voters feel guilty. etc. etc.

I have empathy for the people who just didnt want to support genocide and even the killer of their families but at the end of the day. No matter who you picked, America nor any other problem in the world is gonna change if you decide to let worst of all options win. We have to be smart about destroying the system and rebuilding bc guess what? No matter who you voted for or didnt vote at all, its all complicit which aint something we can control if youre living in this country.

Every single President INCLUDING Obama have supported all genocides going on. INCLUDING the silent ones going on here in America. Trump winning simply made the fire to those genocides much stronger bc now? The average citizens who support these disgusting actions are PROUDER THAN EVER.

No politician in this world is good, that was everyones first mistake. No politician in this world is good. Its just like all cops are pigs. There may be SOME good ones but that literally never matters because they're the people those systems will throw out of their gangs or they simply silence them until they become complicit or brainwashed.

Voting may not be an act of defiance but absolutely is a tactic to make it EASIER for us to defy and even riot.

My whole life, I was never given proper autonomy and I refuse to give up the autonomy ive gained through out my time in college. I refuse to be fucking scared. If I die, I die. but if I live, Im gonna fucking live.

I cant transition due to not only my psychotic diagnosis but because I will NEVER trust a medical professional when it comes to putting things in my body. My blackness was stripped away from me my whole life by my BLACK family who made me insecure about everything I couldnt control and forced the start to having so much internalized Anti-Blackness towards myself. Abortion has been illegal where I am for a WHILE before Trump became President and even than family have shown that they wouldnt support it if it seemed unjustifiable to them.

All the things ive seen people worry about has already been taken away from me so nothing has really changed for me, things ive had to worry about my whole life. So I cant imagine the fear that all of you may be having but this is why we need access to information and community.

Learn the things you refused to look at. Observe and learn the complexity of not only the people you love but the people whom you hate as well. Understand community, understand love. Stop seperating. Stop excluding the people who NEED community. CREATE COMMUNITY.

(Ive been hoping that we recreate ballrooms again cause like, I need that shit tbh. Need me a real mother fr.)

There are many things weve been through throughout history and we survived. Things were always hard and it shouldnt be but it wont get better if we become divisive. (Which is what ive been seeing for a long time from almost every minorty group. which sucks.)

I hope yall read this with not only love but with sterness. Not only empathy but with disappointment. Not only support but with warning.

Every person who simply wants to exist as a person should be given just that and I not only want that for me. But everybody in this world.

[pumpkinsy0]

HAITIAN SHEPARDS HISTORY WOOOOO

TLDR: the shepards are immigrants from haiti who escaped from this dictatorship and found themselves in tulsa, tim made himself to be this intimidating guy because he wanted to protect his family, especially angela and curly, and that's also kinda how the shepard gang came to be

ALRIGHT SO QUICK CONTEXT, In the late 1950s, haiti was already facing political instability and economic challenges, so in the 1960s in haiti, this guy named papa doc came into power. He was ur average politician, when trying to get into office, he would cater to the needs of poor people and other marginalized groups, promising to address to their needs. Skipping past some electoral fraud, papa doc won through bribery, intimidation, and all around manipulation. When he was in power, he quickly made sure to try and keep that power and grow it, even creating this paramilitary force called the tonton macoutes. Anyone who opposed him were crushed,LITERALLY ANYONE who went against him were mostly jailed, tortured, or even killed, civilians, other haitian politicians, activist, ANYONE. And as you would guess, he would also censor the media, and made sure people were only glorifying his rule, and papa doc would essentially steal resources for himself, and ignore the needs of the haitian people.

NOW THE SHEPARDS IN HAITI, i would imagine that they of course had to flee, in fear for their lives however, of course it wasn't easy to do. Bc of papa doc, there were restrictions on immigration. Papa doc viewed immigration a threat to his power and would heavily surveil ppl who he saw as his enemies (aka people who went against what he wanted them to say). NOW i hc the shepards mother to have been this activist or AT LEAST someone who spoke out against what he was doing. Before she say him as this hope, but she quickly realized what was happening, tried to speak out against him, and got on his bad side, and was now not only heavily censored, but also bc now she wants to leave haiti, she's also being watched by papa doc's people. To make it clear, (NOT DOING MY MATH JUST GOING ON MY HEAD), tim is like AROUND a tween and angela and curly are like idk 9 or something, curly and angela dont really understand what's going on because their mom is changing, she's less outspoken and more depressed, but tim understands because he's been reading what his moms been saying and listening into her conversations with other activist. But back to what I was saying, their mother wants to leave haiti but papa doc's people is harassing not only her but her family, trying to stop them from leaving the country and spreading what's happening. At some point, their mom pulled tim aside and told him to protect angela and curly and that's just always been engraved in his mind. Now skipping over some other things that would really just deter me from what I want to do in this post, immigrating to the US was HARD, because of papa doc, but also bc the us is just SHITTY. It was literally just hard for haitians who wanted to move to get the legal documents the legal documents they needed to get to emigrate legally and even if they did, it would always jut be a very lengthy and complex journey, with NO guarantee of success

now up to this point, you can either see the shepards as legal immigrants or illegal immigrants, however because they get into a LOT of legal problems, im gonna say that they are legal immigrants cause they def would've been deported or somethin

NOW WHEN THEY GET TO THE US, haitians MOSTLy moved to states like florida or new york, and some other states I can't name off the top of my head rn, but I think they did have someone in the US who was willing to help them and that's how they got there, if i didn't just imagine this shit, the shepards canonically have a step father, and so I feel like that's how they got to america, maybe their mother married him for a green card or whatever, Im not fully fleshing this idea out, maybe ill do it later, but y'all get what i mean, someone helped the shepard immigrate out of haiti, and either their mom, their bio dad, or their step father got the job, and so they found themselves in tulsa

obviously theyre facing racial discrimination, its the 1960s in america, its like dead middle of the civil rights movement, noirisme in haiti is still popping off and goin strong, so while the shepards are in a VERY racist time, they themselves, dont feel down or bash themselves for being black, they are VERY MUCH comfortable being who they are and wouldn't change that, and because people stereotype that in black people as being "rude" and "aggressive" sometimes, that's exactly what happened to the shepards, ESPECIALLY because theyre dark skinned I wanna make that be known right now

Going deeper into how this impacted tim, curly, and angela now!!!

So obviously, they have thick haitian accents, how they pronounce their r's isn't really pronounced, they speak kinda slow bc they have to translate what theyre saying, and they get laughed at for that, and that's where tim like, wanted to prove himself and wanted to protect his family. Even before moving to the us, tim HAD to step up and take care of angela and curly because his mom was really caught up in other things, so when their in a COMPLETLEY NEW ENVIORMENT??? that ramped tf UP, tim tolerated absolutely no disrespect from ANYONE about his family, and like I said, because of those stereotypes about black people, ESPECIALLY dark skinned black people, he was basically villanized, ADDING ONTO THE FACT NOBPDY REALLY UNDERSTOOD HIM BECAUSE HES A HAITIAN IMMIGRANT AND COULDNT EXACTLY COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE THE WAY HE WANTED TO?????? yea he was villanized BAD, and this would happen with curly and angela too, dont think it didn't, and that's how the shepards started building this idea of being 'intimidating' and people you 'shouldnt mess with', they knew the area they were in was really dangerous, and so they used this system that was already against them to protect themselves and their family, but also because they can be really intimidating people and WILL beat a bitch up

And long story short since this post is ALREADY long as shit, but that's also how the shepard gang came to be!!! as they got more and more used to being in america, they made friends with the people they could trust and started out as this group of friends like the curtis gang, but then they saw how important it was to have a gang in these times, especially when it came to greasers vs socs, and became this scary gang

ANYWAYS YAP SESH OVER, i didn't really spell check or flesh out some ideas or anything like that cause im running off of my asthma medication rn and im very shakey but omggg if y'all have any questions about this do tell me this is very fun for me to do

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

Thanks for tagging @jrooc

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

I’ve always been an avid reader and as a kid I wanted to be a writer so that was the start. I’ve been reading fanfic since i was in highschool, and I’ve had many different barely started fanfics started over the years but last year was the first time I was able to actually finish anything/taken it seriously. I think it just came down to college teaching me the last bit of discipline in my creative practice

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

Just Gallavich, but I’m very confident I will write destiel in my lifetime

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I published my first fic in September of last year!

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

it goes back and forth, when i enter a fandom i read fanfic voraciously but now i think i write a little more, its a balance between you can write the fanfic you want to read and you can read other peoples work to experience ideas you would never think of or just a different take on a familiar topic - both are good. I’m currently slowly going through and re-reading my old fics to get them ready to print and bind and its been a super fun process

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I hope i’ve improved a lot overall lol the main thing i always want to do well is portray the environment the way i envision it bc the worlds of my fanfics are rich and beautiful in my head so i just want to get better and better at pulling people into that

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Not a ton of weird research, a lot of google maps-ing to get a better understanding of the layout of Chicago and understanding how far away states/cities are from one another (i’m american, just a weird bicoastal one)

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

literally any comment, all of them are amazing and i can’t believe people read what i write and actually like it ?!? beautiful and very novel

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

um - i guess ABO, i was originally going to publish mine all mine anonymously bc it was very cringe inducing and still kind of is but tbh when i read it back i was like- wait this is good, even if it’s weird.

psychopomp is also a weird story, the way i thought/felt about it while writing was deeply weird and all the the themes of death and decay and devotion and consummation as an allegory for love were intended to be dark and just- weird

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Emotionally introspective fics that also really study the characters are really hard and i dont know why I keep fucking writing them - after finishing the fic im writing now i have to shift to something more plot focused

its really hard for obvious reasons but i also feel like i am an extremely logic driven person with a very particular worldview and all these characters are more emotionally driven than me. so i have to work very hard to not write behaviors from my pov and my decision making but from a studied understanding of the characters - which might be a good thing idk

um also idk if it needs to be said but brevity is not my strong suit, i should probably work on that

10. What is the easiest type?

Fluff, just cuddling and pillow talk baby i love that shit, also idk if i write smut well but it def goes the quickest for me

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Pages app on my icloud - I write after work some days, on my lunch break and on the train ride home. Every so often ill wake up early on a weekend and be in the mood to put on my noise canceling headphones and write for hours, but thats not super often

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

uhh - we’ll see. my true crime au is def one i want to write but all my ideas for the plot are just too dark rn, so well see if i can get it to lighten up a bit

13. What made you choose your username?

tagging 5 writers: @callivich @mmmichyyy @iansw0rld @energievie @metalheadmickey

[toxycodone]

ty for writing that man, I'm not the anon that u responded to but I'm unemployed rn and trying to look for a job while living with my dad and it helps knowing that someone I think is really cool/smart (ur in college and like, succeeding?!?!?! And u have friends that support you???!!!) went through shit like that. laios is doing better than me bro :') but idk ur response gave me a sliver of hope that I can have a better life someday like u do!!!

im gonna be real: no one is doing better than anyone. life is just. an experience for everyone. and you're either content where you're at or you want better. success isn't linear. progression isn't linear. and those two words are entirely up to your own discretion and definition of them.

but yes dude like a little over a year ago I was just some druggie attempting to starve myself to death or get into some insane situation where I'd get hurt and constantly failing at social situations to a point where I genuinely considered that when I thought I was secretly a freakish werewolf monster as a kid that I was RIGHT.

I don't live a perfect life now but I can say with certainty my life has changed a ton and for the better. it's genuinely such a dramatic change I wouldn't have believed it if you told me. but like. it is honestly crazy. i actually, genuinely fit in despite being like. me. which is just a thing in itself.

so breathe, cut yourself some slack, and try to be thankful for what you have and where you're heading. Something that took me so long to learn was like. it is such a privilege to be able to want more for yourself and understand you do deserve better.

things will get better! and it may look worse or get rougher before it does but like. yes I believe in you and i think i make a good case on why you should keep going!

[cluster-b-culture-is]

hey!!! if its ok i’d like you’re thoughts on something ig and to sorta ask you something

so im bodily 15 atm, and i have cptsd. when i look at posts regarding certain cluster b experiences (possibly some cluster c aswell) i relate a LOT (obviously im not saying that bc i relate that i have these disorders, i just kinda have a feeling that *something* is going on). its tricky bc i keep looking into things and i cant really find an answer. i also dont know if im too young and that its just because im a teenager.

i wont get into like what “symptoms” i experience rn bc i feel like thats a whole other conversation but yeah.

i hope i dont sound like one of those people that are like “i must have x bc i related to a silly video i saw” im just really confused and i feel like something aint right

i know you’re probably not professionals so feel free to delete or ignore this if its too much, but if not, what do you think?

So, here's the thing (and we will attempt to avoid being patronizing): It is absolutely correct that your age and emotional/psychological development can affect things, and that the process of development can cause things that look like mild symptoms. It's also correct that that combined with c-ptsd (and any other disorders you may have; you'd be surprised how many symptoms and comorbidities autism, ADHD, NPD, and BPD all share) can make it extremely hard to determine where your symptoms are coming from and whether there might be something more.

(You're also correct that we are not professionals; this is all coming from our own research and personal experiences, so as with everything, take this with a grain of salt.)

However. I would argue that it would be far more harmful to deny any possibility of having a personality disorder until you reach some arbitrary age threshold than it would be to say that you do have a PD. Especially if looking at your life experiences through the lens of having a PD is helpful, and if resources for pw/[x]PDs are helpful to you. Even if you don't end up having a PD, that doesn't mean you were just a hormonal stupid teenager refusing to listen to the Adults™ or whatever the fuck--it means that you looked at your experiences, found something that seemed similar, and it turned out that you were wrong; but hopefully, along the way, you found things that were helpful.

Under the assumption that you have done a lot of research, I would personally recommend saying that you have traits of a particular disorder as opposed to saying you have the full disorder, and that is to two ends: one, a lot of adults with PDs (especially in ASPD spaces, if that's one of the disorders you're looking at) will kick your shit to hell and back if you even insinuate that you think you may have the full disorder (which I think is extremely counterintuitive if we want teenagers to understand their experiences and, yknow, not develop a full-blown personality disorder, regardless of whether you think teenagers can have a full personality disorder); and two, it might help you target the specific symptoms that you're experiencing without saddling you with the belief[/knowledge] that you have an incredibly stigmatized and lifelong disorder.

A lot of this stuff depends on a few things: (A) what your symptoms are (and if they can be better explained by other things, especially other things you know you have); (B) how severe your symptoms are (like the difference between being generally grouchy versus being actively hostile); and (C) how long your symptoms have lasted (if they only started popping up in the past few months or the past year versus if you've had them for years and years).

If you end up not having a personality disorder, anon, I think it will still be better for you in the long run to explore the possibility instead of shrugging it off under the excuse that you're "too young". It could turn out that you never had the disorder and it really was something else, it could turn out that you have traits but not the full disorder, or, hell, it could turn out that, by using resources and support you found by being part of communities surrounding PDs, you ended up not developing the full PD (even if you may still have a few traits)--because, at this age, you are still developing, and you are changing a lot, and very little is set in stone when it comes to these types of things--and you should absolutely take advantage of that! And even then, speaking from a more selfish perspective, it will never be a bad thing for more people to understand what it may be like to have a personality disorder.

For a bit of actionable advice on determining whether or not you may have one, though:

(1) Do your research. Obviously it's great that you're getting information from people with the disorders themselves by looking at PD communities; however, not everything having to do with the disorder will be talked about, and quite honestly, Tumblr is a terrible place to find definitive information on the PDs. Life experience? Yes. Actual information looking at how the disorders work and what they can entail in full? Ehhh, not quite. Look at a variety of academic sources, but in the same vein, keep your wits about you--professionals aren't immune to ableism, and may often perpetuate it with glee. Some of it may be obvious, some of it might not be.

(2) Keep an eye on your symptoms--make a manual check against the actual criteria every once in a while (but keep in mind that the DSM is also deeply flawed and biased); @shitborderlinesdo has a ton of checklists based on the DSM and individual testimony that can help. We first started questioning ASPD when we were 14, and we'd do those kinds of manual checks once every several months or once a year or so. It both helps you understand what your symptoms are, and helps you keep track of how you're doing over time. Don't use online quizzes for this; quite honestly, they're not really good for anything except validation if you know you'll get a high score.

(3) Look at stuff other than personality disorders, too, and try to figure out why your interest skews towards specific disorders. For a long ass time, we believed we had StPD and did our absolute best to ignore any information to the contrary, because (due to our symptoms) if it wasn't StPD, the only thing it could be otherwise was schizophrenia, and we were scared shitless of the idea; at first because we were scared of the idea that our symptoms might've been so severe, but eventually because we were afraid to admit that we were wrong. (As I've said before, no shame in being wrong--do as I say, not as I do.)

Ultimately, I can't stop you from doing anything, and I can't force you to do anything either. I'm just a mentally ill guy with an internet connection. My life experiences have led me to this conclusion, and others may disagree with it--that's perfectly fine. Again, I am not a professional. You know yourself and your experiences the best, and I think by this point, you have enough understanding of yourself and the world to be able to figure out what'll be best for you and your health, given that you have the proper resources to do so. You are a being with life experience, even if it's less than others may have; you aren't a rock, and you aren't a three year old who still hasn't realized that touching the lit stove will equal a burned finger. I personally think that the way a lot of folks go about talking to and about teenagers who think they may have personality disorders is, frankly, infantilizing and invalidating, and it just ends up with traumatized and unsupported teenagers turning into traumatized and unsupported adults, with the added bonus of an extra helping of imposter syndrome to top it all off.

I hope you're doing well anon, and I hope you see this (sorry for responding so late lmao). Off into the world ye may go, hopefully with a bit more knowledge and idea of what to do next than you had before.

[seth-burroughs]

mdarc chapter 1 rewatch part 3, and yes, i am aware of the massive pile of asks i have on all my blogs however as always i shall keep running. no don't stop sending them i absolutely appreciate the attention its just i need to mentally prepare two weeks in advance and cry in order to give a sufficient response. you should give it a try and converse with yours truly again some more if the thought of torturing and killing me slowly sounds fun and exciting to you👍

oh look its the child extortion scene

you would think halara, who's got all that trauma from having their family get scammed and destroyed by a friend* they trusted as a child, would be just a tiny bit less comfortable with swindling kids out of their money rn but like you know that's just my thoughts......

they're Reclaiming it <3

*listen. like i know i can't be the only one that thinks that way, but so far so many people ive seen that played this game just went through this gab and thought "oh wow a middle schooler just scammed them that is so crazy lmao", and like. i was under the impression that halara was the one in middle school the entire time, and their "best friend" was just some adult con artist that gained Halara's trust (or just flat out groomed them, honestly) so they could scam their parents. like, you do know this interpretation makes infinitely more sense than... very nefarious 12 year old manipulator investment scamming adults or whatever

has nobody already made a halara "fuck them kids" joke or do i gotta pull out that art program again

this child is like fucking what, five?? literally crying what is your PROBLEM halara...... halara i don't even think he understands half of whatever you're saying to him right now.....................

they didn't even give it back to kei they just tossed it over to yuma???????? lmao?????????

still. they're so fucking cool. i'm giving them the highest honor i can bestow (narcissistic personality disorder and massive autism)

AH WAIT I FORGOT WE ACTUALLY INVESTIGATE SHIT IN THIS GAME OOOOoooooh. ooooooooooh.

i forgot to read the report by the way

*points at jiei colan* SYMMETRY TOOL LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh holy shit wait canon age??? jiei is 48??? ok now that is information i am going to blast into my mind permanently and not like. anything slightly more important

casual fatphobia jumpscare

pink blood scene *nods solemnly*

holy shit i know exactly who the culprit is you wont believe it. im so fucking smart. im a genius im a fucking god fondle my nuts while you blow me

i can already feel seth approaching rapidly because my eyes are getting teary and my chest is doing really funny stuff right now. the sense went off

once he arrives i will keep a list of "memorable and beautiful things seth has done in all his 4 scenes" as well as "memorable and beautiful things desuhiko has done in the entire game or perhaps his life" and then compare once we finish. wish me luck

chapter 1 >>>>>>>>>> every other fucking chapter. i am going to kill a man on this hill

THERE HE COMES .

I'm twitching like hell right now. my muscles yearn for the burroughs

UUAAAAAIIIIIGIHUGFFYDFUUUUUGHGHHHHGAAAAAAAAAAGHUSYDGHSDUUUUUHHHHHHHHGGHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! H H

HE HIS STUPID FUCKIDGFG WALK

take that rain cape off you fucking coward this is kanai ward. noticed his lil fox symbol on his back and got reminded of wackpedion's religious seth post but im not gonna look for it now. but yeah he's 100% metal fox church guy i told you this chapter got layerssss to it. this is cinema. video games lore have peaked at rain code chapter 1. scott cawthon has been really silent ever since rain code chapter 1 dropped

his face. its heeehhhhere. i am going tocommit vehicular manslaughter. and ask him why is his skin fucking gray

holy motherfucker I TOTALLY forgot how his japanese voice sounds. he sounds. slightly more normal actually. less pathetic if that was possible. its like he still has hope. help me he sounds so young

i like how. he just calmly extremely quietly tells them to stand up while standing like 20 feet away from them and knowing his voice usually doesn't reach above 30db. like he just stands there mumbling to them to plss get up now knowing they probably can't hear him. he jsut. gives it a try. maybe this time

maybe he's trying to awaken his telepathic abilities.

omg god a charlie radiohead wackpedion oc cameo???? i can't believe that wiki let spike chunsoft put charlie in their game in order to help increase sales it is so cool how they support smaller creators like that once again

that cunty stance. who stands like that.

its not fucking on. how did you notice its not fucking on. or did he just did but tried regardless. dead silence.

truly, a flattering introduction

and he. wasn't even that fucking mad he just gave him a very dissapointed look to go and fix that. which makes me think it has happened before. and numerous times

finally, seth has succeeded. you know whats crazy about that scene?? the peacekeepers were knocked out a solid while ago thats gonna be at least 15, if not just 20 entire minutes. realistically if youre uncounscious for that much time (and im pretty sure halara whacked them on the head) then you're gonna be concussed as fuck perhaps even have serious brain injuries (and im pretty sure halara whacked them on the head HARD) like youre not gonna be ok after this. his voice literally healed them. he commanded them to rise and so they did. combined with the blatant christian themes of rain code (makoto is satan. martina's motorcycle is the ark) the answer is obvious seth is jesus where was i going with this again

seth is so fucking chill its unbelievable. its the fourth time something has happened to him this moment, megaphone guy fucked up the fucking volume and he just. takes a few steps back motions with his arms and doesn't even say anything. if that were yomi he'd just bring out the whip. if that were martina she'd verbally abuse them so fucking hard they would not be able to look her in the eye ever again in their lives. if that were guillaume she'd start screeching at dominic to decapitate that man

i am going to look away whenever they mention Bodies Rotting Quickly In Kanai Ward from now on. i shall not. it is not worth it.

megaphone guy cringe moment

i would say something about the entire "public execution" moment but i think i already said enough before. so.

goodbye seth you absolutely fucking SLAYED it

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi mac!!!! mentally i am sitting with u on the couch watchin youtube videos w u. i hope ur day was good :3 i had work 2day. did not stop me writing ghostknife!!! i wrote 2k more words in my tumblr drafts over my seven hour shift. im at 8.5k words total now. get my ass out the kitchen im cookin too hard!!!!! THAT ASIDE mac can u gimme some nhw thoughts. i wanna hear about nhw mark winters. tell me abt ur favourite gay depressed blond man!!!!!!!! i wanna hear abt him and what the winters family torment nexus is like in nhw!!!!!! holding out a microphone 2 u the floor is yours 🎤

OKAY . HI. I LOVE TORTURING THAT BLONDE MAN. im going to direct you to the mark winters essay just in case you havent read that one yet because its got context for a lot of what im gonna talk about hehe (beware for worm spoilers, ill make this answer easy 2 understand without context i promise) under the cut bc i tend to ramble about him. oops

god . okay. basis of the entire nhw mark winters character is that he is the most unlucky man in the entire world. like. literally. hes been targeted that way. universe's favorite punching bag. i could make a joke here about being god and such but ill save that for my dnd campaign.

literally. so much bad shit happens to him. and then keeps happening to him. and keeps happening. and he has to be so fucking. emotionally repressed and logical and analytic and focused or else he will go crazy. mark is one of those capes that got powers artificially (overlord forced them on him- parallel to forced experimentation in canon) but the dramatic irony of it all is that even if mark would have gotten his powers naturally through a trigger event... with the way worm powers work he probably wouldve ended up with the same powers anyway. man is a striker/tinker, which comes from "facing an immediate, in-your-face threat, usually a singular object or individual" (indirect danger from simurgh, immediate danger from ashe in his very unstable breaker form immediately after killing his mom) and "solutionless problems over long periods of time, culminating in a crisis moment" (faking his and ashe's deaths in order to escape the quarantine process of simurgh survivors, having to be on the run from any sort of scrutiny for nearly TEN YEARS, eventually resulting in being offered a job working for overlord (a notoriously cruel crime lord)) . i have a lot of feelings about that. mark goes through all of this and never has a trigger event, he gets through it all with his humanity mostly intact. and then he ends up getting powers anyway because hes forced into a corner by a fucking alligator man.

ANYWAYYYYY. the fic im writing rn is from tide's pov and its immediatly after overlords death, where tide finds mark (and a bunch of other people) unconscious in tubes after going through biological experimentation and getting. animal features. this is how mark gets the lizard stuff in this au. anyway since the fic is from tide's pov i want to take a second to talk about what it would be like from marks pov. mark disobeyed one of overlords orders because it would have meant fighting the wards (who ashe . recently joined as part of the team) . overlord does not take this well and punishes him by using him for unethical human experiments. so between that moment and overlords death, mark had been subjected to over a week of near-constant testing and surgery and he was probably awake for a lot of it and. thatll fuck a guy up!!!!! pretty fucking severely!!!!! but in the grand scheme of things a week isnt that much time. which is why his transformation is only minimal and he can still pretty much pass as human with some disguising (some of the other subjects were. not so lucky).

mark was unconscious for the entire overlord fight, so he has no idea what happens. because he was unmasked, the heroes dont recognize him as a villain so instead of going to jail he gets taken to a hospital with all of the other subjects and is basically just treated as a civilian victim. but because nobody knows who he is or his relation to ashe/auxiliary.... nobody. tells him about what happened to overlord. the wards arent as closely involved with mark in this au (and honestly they dont really like him enough to care, they really just know him as "ashe's shitty dad" and thats about it). um. well. the only person who knows his identity and knows his relation is. tide.

working for a supervillain and constantly surviving out of the public's eye for fear that someone might discover your past doesnt leave a lot of room for friends, and his only living family is currently being turned into a puppet by another supervillain (not that he knows this yet) so the only person who really visits him is tide. theyre not friends, theyre not anything to each other, really, but . they KNOW each other. they UNDERSTAND each other in a way that. nobody else in the world would. go read roswells nhw tidalwave post its everything to me . anyway im getting distracted. like i said, over a week of constant unethical experiments and body horror will fuck a guy up. three of his base biological senses/instincts have been SEVERELY messed with (eyesight is fundamentally changed by the heat sense, he cant really thermoregulate well anymore, his balance is completely thrown off by the Addition Of A New Limb) and so that makes it. really hard for him to recover into some sense of lucidity. the next handful of days after he ends up in the hospital are a complete blur of consciousness, any time he opens his eyes hes totally disoriented, hes getting these awful migraines from the strain, he cant control his body heat and it seems like hes always too cold, the scales are fucking itchy, etc etc etc. hes bedridden most of the time because he cant even stand up on his own without support bc he has to get used to the weight of a tail. for those days where he's basically stuck in bed, stuck in his room, etc. he is. bored out of his mind, hes angry, hes scared (ohhh god hes in a hospital did someone do a background check do they know who he is. he hasnt been to a real doctor in over ten years), he doesnt know how much time has passed.

tide happens to visit the first day mark is feeling lucid enough to ask about ashe. this is like. a week or so into his recovery. he overheard one of the staff talking about the date and it made him like. snap awake because he realized hes been away from home and had no way to contact ashe in like. half a month. he cant ask any of the hospital staff about what happened to his son because thats a surefire way of getting a billion questions about his identity. so when tide shows up its immediately like "where is he is someone taking care of him i hate you heroes and everything you stand for but i know hes part of that team now please tell me theyre keeping him safe" and. tide is really really good at keeping a straight face but he just has this Look in his eyes and mark Knows in that moment that every single one of his nighmares is coming true. he tries to leave, tide has to catch him because he still cant walk and hes behaving like a fucking wild animal, hes biting and clawing and just in this rage because why didnt anyone tell me sooner i couldve done something i couldve protected him ("mark, you were basically in a coma" "i dont care") . nobody knows what actually happened to ashe yet. he killed overlord and then just. went missing. nobody saw him leave. they have no lead whatsoever on where he could be (yet) and it drives mark CRAZY dude like. all mark winters knows is grief and rage. eventually the wards are given that hint about where to find him and see him with the trickster and now THEY know, but. again, they dont.. know mark as well. they dont have any reason to go tell him right away. i havent decided yet whether it would be more painful for tide to break this news to him too or if the first time mark sees his son again is . on tv unmasked using his powers in some gaudy outfit he knows ashe would never choose to wear with his hair pulled back out of his face in some intricate braid and. why are his eyes orange . what the fuck happened to him. his wholeeeeee. entire world entire existence just comes crashing down around him .

mark winters universe's most hated man

[tpup]

Hey I hope that you are doing okay. That anon being an utter dickbag needs to just get a hobby that isn't bullying people. I hope that you are doing okay today. And hmm do you like cats?

sorry I answered all those asks, I hate seeing stuff like that on my dash I am just Worried im gonna get cyber stalked or some shit if I ignored them

Rambling because that's where my brain is rn

ahhh. sleepy day. saw my partner last night which was really nice and sweet, she needed a winter coat so we went thrifting & then went to an art thing together. it was super cold. talked and kissed and fucked in my car on a dark street. she's so sweet & it's wild that I'm dating at all considering how unwell I've been but she has been such an amazing part of my life since I met her.. I'm glad she has a spouse and a home and solid job and is financially okay. She's such a rock and so good to me and I don't have to worry about things with her. She is so understanding and proactively sweet and accommodating with my disability, it makes me cry whenever I think of it, I've never been shown that care in my life. My ex was so frustrated with my limitations and it's been incredibly healing for my self worth to see people can enjoy being with me even if I am so disabled.

I didn't know non monogamy would be something I like but the security in it is beautiful. Like, someone I love has multiple people who deeply love her and can be there for her in so many ways... there's less pressure to be each other's everything, so we can just enjoy each other in the ways we like to and lean on each other knowing it's not just two logs holding each other up but that there's a whole house. It's new to me.

I think I was up past 5 for some reason, im staying on a couch and the room is chilly anddd I have insomnia so it's always hard to sleep at night. Dragged my butt outside to move my car to avoid a parking ticket; have to move it pretty frequently which is rough. Actually bought a cane recently to make it a lil easier, bc mobility is super difficult but I can't afford to pay tickets just bc I .. can't move lol. moved car, came back inside, wanted to maybe go to the leather workshop to work on things I've been wanting to do for months but like most days I ended up passing out despite myself (while trying to respond to asks actually :P just fading out over and over, seeing my phone open to a half typed response, brain not retaining shit. I can't tell ya how many drafts I have- it's hard for me to get through any longer things without passing out at some point! It's so hard to get shit done. This is why I rarely get back to messages btw- I want to put proper brain power into conversations but I so so rarely have it, and also feel bad sending a message when I might have energy for one but know I'll be out afterwards. Not sure how to deal w it, just hoping I can get seen by a good neurologist soon who can help me with wtv tf is going on. Might be narcolepsy that's much worse than usual bc of stress and malnourishment and such!)

Woken up gently by friend, I was having nightmares. She's stressed out about personal stuff and has been really busy. One of the times I feel like I'm not a waste of space is when I get to help her destress.. just cuddle and pet her and massage the knots out of her back while she puts something calming on tv. Sometimes she'll talk about things and she seems to find what I say helpful. Sometimes we'll fuck til she's able to break out of ruminating on things & then she goes to sleep w her spouse. I like being a destress puppy. I wish I could do more to help out, I'm so used to earning my keep and showing gratitude by housekeeping or running errands, but I'm just at risk of fainting if I try that most of the time anymore. It sucks. It's hard accepting help and care when I can't reciprocate. I just exist and hope I'll be healthier and able to help others in the future.

-

I do like cats; the ones I grew up with were all feral ones my parents half took in so I'm used to being very wary of them lol. My favorite cat was okay with being pet a bit sometimes but mostly was a buddy who would go on hikes with me. Miss her a lot. I'd be out in the woods and she would just show up and walk with me for a while before vanishing again.

One of my favorite parts of couch surfing has been all the cats I get to meet... the people Im staying with now have some and they're so funny. Some cats are kinda yucky tbh I'm a bit of a germaphobe so idk if I could own my own cat or pet, but it's nice being able to watch little creatures go about their life.

I was actually typing something up about cats last night, must be in drafts lol. My partner wants to try petplay more and I was saying I simply don't know what dynamics involving a catgirl would be, and that i don't interact w cats much irl besides just letting them do their thing and try to avoid getting bitten which does not translate well into play! Puppies are intuitive, cats I have no clue

[nerves-nebula]

Hey! I absolutely love your work! Loved what you did with your AU and I hope you have more instore♡♡ Im gonna say rn tho that I cant word for the life of me so I hope my questions make some what sense

1. Will shredder/footclan pop up more later in the series?

2. How would splinter react when he finds about Raph and Casey? Would he just be absolutely angry or bamboozled since he thought turtles couldnt be gay?

Im sorry if either of these questions were already asked, if they were just ignore them. But I hope you are doing well, and let yourself have breaks when you need, we will understand♡♡ Have some pats n a hug (im uncomfy with kisses sorry-😭😭)

yeah they will. The foot is pretty important to them I think. i just haven't gotten around to it hahah. ive been delving a lot in to the PAST and the FUTURE of the turtles but as far as the NOW of them being teenagers? I haven't actually done much work there. what can i say i love a good backstory.

I'm not sure Splinter will ever pick up on it unless someone outs them to him. Casey and Raph arent even aware of their feelings for each other until wayyy later

but if someone DID or he did hypothetically find out. I think he'd be like,, mean about it but not like, DISOWNING YOU mean about it, yknow what I mean? He'd be like "ugh ew keep that shit outta my house" but he's also fully a homophobic gay man so he'd probably come to some weird conclusion like: "Oh my weird son is just going through That Phase we all go through. So long as he doesn't keep doing this when he's older I guess I'll just make my disgust clear and turn a blind eye for now."

im also uncomfy with kisses irl (been having a lot of trouble accepting affection for a while at this point it almost HURTS it feels so bad fasdgga) but i dont really care about what kind of virtual affection ppl give me lol

[blee-bleep]

Hello, I’m fairly new (you have a lot of talent, you make wonderful art) but I just saw your post about your grandma. I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is a very difficult thing and can be very confusing when you lose someone you had a bad relationship with. I was once in such a situation too. I don’t know how it was with your grandma, but I hated that person so much. And when they left… I missed them and I didn’t understand why. After all the things they did… after everything they caused… I still cared about them. I even felt guilty. How could I care about someone like that? I used to get angry at myself every time I grieved, every time I cried. Don’t make my mistake. When we lose someone, no matter how they influenced our lives, there’s an impact. After all, they were still a part of my life, a part of my world. They were a loved one. A member of my family. It changes a lot. And after all, I knew deep down, they still had some good in their heart. After everything… they didn’t deserve to die. And maybe, the thing I missed most was the relationship I wished I had with them.

It was very hard for me to move on. To let go. And I think this is mostly because I didn’t understand that I needed to forgive them. I kept holding on to this pent up feeling of hatred. This anger. But I should have forgiven them for everything they had done. Because forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. It most certainly doesn’t justify it. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Forgiveness is taking the knife out of your own back and not using it to hurt anyone else. Forgive them not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. You deserve to be able to let go. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. If you haven’t already, I think you should think about this.

And in the end, we shouldn’t see death as a bad thing, as when someone passes away, it creates another beautiful life. Like flowers dying in the winter, making place for beautiful flowers to blossom in the spring. That is, the merry-go-round of life. 

I hope you have someone to help you through these difficult times. And remind yourself that it is okay to grieve. It just shows that you have a good heart. I don’t know how it is for you right now but I hope I helped at least a little bit. Take care!

Oh and, life has many different chapters. Don’t let one bad chapter close the book.

-Sorry for the long text and all-

Thank you for this ask. i rlly needed to read it, especially abt the knife metaphor. I didnt live with my grandma as close as my other family members were but I still grew up with her, and her image is everywhere in my family (literally, my grandpa's genes are basically nonexistent). so its really hard to process how to grieve for someone you had a bad relationship with. her death esp impacted my parents and aunts, and there's a certain tension between them now.

for me, Im still learning to forgive and learn how to live without her, but rn its the guilt of not building a happier relationship with her im angry about because after all this time, she is still my grandma. this doesnt mean it justifies the horrible shit she said and done (and shes over 90!), but i feel like i can't make peace with myself when we heard that she finally passed. so thank u for your reassurance through this message. grief is truly hard