#im going through some shit rn so i hope you can understand

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[ayyponine]

not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....

[peachyfnaf]

dawg as stupid as Omoon was acting these past few days, he was right about something. He is absolute SHIT at comforting people dhdjjfjdkfn. like holy shit your brother is greiving the loss of someone he loved, who he had to kill with his own two hands, and your response is to go on some sob story about how you aren't as cool and smart as people make you out to be and how you're a terrible brother but also you're still smart and stuff so 'ohh sunny if i'm bad just tell me, i'll still be your brother its okay, but the person your greiving was EVIL and STUPIDer!!!! im doing so much better then he did see!!!' like fuck moon you just said the most sob story nothing speech i've ever seen. and then said he'll leave and sun should just drown his feelings.

i was watching solar send hate beams through the back of moons head the whole time jdhfkf 'i don't think you where saying most of that to sun' just hit it on the head babe, you don't gotta baby him its okay to tell him that was shit LMAO

This ask is so fucking funny /pos

I sincerely hope Solar directly confronts Moon about this in upcoming episodes- cause I feel like this man is sick of seeing Moon's be assholes to their loved ones, and Solar has a lot of pent-up feelings about the Nexus situation too, I think. He's always been good at hiding those, but his emotions come out in tidal waves. If the dam breaks when he snaps at Moon, then the whole flood is coming.

And listen. I understand that Moon is not good at emotions, but now that he's finally talked to Sun and Sun has basically told him that what he needs is for Moon to just be there for him because he misses Nexus and he needs his family there with him so he's not alone in mourning his lost brother, Moon's response being "FUCK NEXUS" and then leaving Sun be to "bury his feelings" is. That's so fucking dumb of him, man. Respect to Moon enjoyers but he's being so dumb rn it's making me even more of a little hater than usual. I get that he might just be trying to help in his own way, but the way his help is being given is directly contradicting what Sun wants and needs right now. And that is not okay.

AND we know Moon is capable of proper forms of comfort because we saw him do so in the July 16th aftermath episodes. He was so kind and patient and sweet to Sun during that time, and he was there for him. He needs to do better, because we all know he can.

[vyl3tpwny]

do you have a preferred method to get vsts and other such instruments for a DAW?? im poor as heck and dont know ANYTHING about piracy, im so scared of getting goobered by people on the internet

i wish i knew more about the best go-to sites for pirating rn unfortunately i have no clue. ppl on the internet can have such shit intentions too so i dont even know where to look or who to ask. but also here's some free + VERY cheap things u may consider (below the break):

vital synth (i will always shill for vital bc i use it constantly and its free lol)

ob-xd synth (it says buy for $49, but the free download is on the left. the buy link is just a donate)

klanghelm plugins (all these are made by one dude. mjuc is a great vintage style compressor, the dc8c is a pretty featured compressor for the price, sdrr has a particularly nice tube saturation/distortion, and vumt is a great metering plugin, i have vumt on every single project since 2019)

analog obsession (if you donate $5 to their patreon you can get every single plugin they make. also all made and maintained by one person. lots of different things, so i recommend just downloading everything and exploring the functions of the plugins)

tokyo dawn labs (all very high quality mixing stuff. they have free versions of most of their premium stuff and they're quite featured despite being free. ez.)

kilohearts (they recently made all their main effects free. and if you want their flagship stuff, its all rent-to-own as well.)

sforzando (soundfont player. if you dont know what soundfonts are, theyre essentially really condensed, lightweight sampled instruments. they can often sound rlly cheap or tacky [which might be good, i definitely love that sound] but just install this and google [instrument] soundfont and just find lots of free instruments that way)

togu audio line (some free effects and instruments if you scroll down. but i also recommend TAL Sampler if you want a cool sampler and can afford it)

meldaproduction (has a free plugin suite. theres an annoying watermark at the bottom for free versions, but everyone understands. shit is expensive)

native instruments (they have the komplete start bundle which is just a bunch of free decent stuff)

musicradar FREE SAMPLES (ive sworn by a few of the sample resources that i've gotten from musicradar as far back as 2011 lol)

looperman FREE SAMPLES (looperman is a user-sourced sample website where ppl upload samples they've made* and you can just download and use them for free. sometimes people request specific credit, so check for that if you can. *NOTE: its very possible for people to upload unlicensed samples or stuff they didn't make so use your best judgement when sorting through stuff)

freesound FREE SAMPLES (freesound rules always reliable)

synth1 (AHHHH IM SO HAPPY I CAN RECOMMEND THIS RIGHT NOW!!!! synth1 used to be abandonware but was finally picked up again and is supported by modern systems once more. i used this religiously from 2013-2017. and i'm going to start using it again honestly)

valhalladsp (this is the only exclusively premium thing i'm going to leave in this thread [aside from bitwig, below], but it's just that god damn good. every plugin of theirs is $50, so if you can manage to go for ValhallaVintageVerb and/or ValhallaDelay you will basically never need another reverb/delay ever again; would recommend NOT pirating from them if you can help it bc theyre definitely a very small company but u know.. ur call)

bitwig (if you need a DAW, i can now heartily recommend Bitwig. it's on the rent to own program through splice if you're ok getting it legally...)

—

i know this isnt what u asked but i hope its still helpful. i've also rescinded my recommendations for spitfire audio bc the company was revealed to be run by a bunch of queerphobic knuckleheads. everything in this list i have personally used for my own music and can vouch for them from actual experience (YES even bitwig, i made the song "Futura" on Carousel exclusively with Bitwig, making it the first time i've made an entire song outside of Ableton since 2014).

again i hope this helps, forgive me for not knowing enough about pirating at the moment 😭 please make so much music and please look at this animal:

[shjiyemis]

Gonna be so real rn.

I barely care about the election rn and my frustrations are focused on the people of minority groups who decided to vote for The parody version of the Annoying Orange, People who voted 3rd Party, and People who didnt vote at all and people who voted for Kamala wishing death upon people who dont deserve it to make the other voters feel guilty. etc. etc.

I have empathy for the people who just didnt want to support genocide and even the killer of their families but at the end of the day. No matter who you picked, America nor any other problem in the world is gonna change if you decide to let worst of all options win. We have to be smart about destroying the system and rebuilding bc guess what? No matter who you voted for or didnt vote at all, its all complicit which aint something we can control if youre living in this country.

Every single President INCLUDING Obama have supported all genocides going on. INCLUDING the silent ones going on here in America. Trump winning simply made the fire to those genocides much stronger bc now? The average citizens who support these disgusting actions are PROUDER THAN EVER.

No politician in this world is good, that was everyones first mistake. No politician in this world is good. Its just like all cops are pigs. There may be SOME good ones but that literally never matters because they're the people those systems will throw out of their gangs or they simply silence them until they become complicit or brainwashed.

Voting may not be an act of defiance but absolutely is a tactic to make it EASIER for us to defy and even riot.

My whole life, I was never given proper autonomy and I refuse to give up the autonomy ive gained through out my time in college. I refuse to be fucking scared. If I die, I die. but if I live, Im gonna fucking live.

I cant transition due to not only my psychotic diagnosis but because I will NEVER trust a medical professional when it comes to putting things in my body. My blackness was stripped away from me my whole life by my BLACK family who made me insecure about everything I couldnt control and forced the start to having so much internalized Anti-Blackness towards myself. Abortion has been illegal where I am for a WHILE before Trump became President and even than family have shown that they wouldnt support it if it seemed unjustifiable to them.

All the things ive seen people worry about has already been taken away from me so nothing has really changed for me, things ive had to worry about my whole life. So I cant imagine the fear that all of you may be having but this is why we need access to information and community.

Learn the things you refused to look at. Observe and learn the complexity of not only the people you love but the people whom you hate as well. Understand community, understand love. Stop seperating. Stop excluding the people who NEED community. CREATE COMMUNITY.

(Ive been hoping that we recreate ballrooms again cause like, I need that shit tbh. Need me a real mother fr.)

There are many things weve been through throughout history and we survived. Things were always hard and it shouldnt be but it wont get better if we become divisive. (Which is what ive been seeing for a long time from almost every minorty group. which sucks.)

I hope yall read this with not only love but with sterness. Not only empathy but with disappointment. Not only support but with warning.

Every person who simply wants to exist as a person should be given just that and I not only want that for me. But everybody in this world.

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[pumpkinsy0]

HAITIAN SHEPARDS HISTORY WOOOOO

TLDR: the shepards are immigrants from haiti who escaped from this dictatorship and found themselves in tulsa, tim made himself to be this intimidating guy because he wanted to protect his family, especially angela and curly, and that's also kinda how the shepard gang came to be

ALRIGHT SO QUICK CONTEXT, In the late 1950s, haiti was already facing political instability and economic challenges, so in the 1960s in haiti, this guy named papa doc came into power. He was ur average politician, when trying to get into office, he would cater to the needs of poor people and other marginalized groups, promising to address to their needs. Skipping past some electoral fraud, papa doc won through bribery, intimidation, and all around manipulation. When he was in power, he quickly made sure to try and keep that power and grow it, even creating this paramilitary force called the tonton macoutes. Anyone who opposed him were crushed,LITERALLY ANYONE who went against him were mostly jailed, tortured, or even killed, civilians, other haitian politicians, activist, ANYONE. And as you would guess, he would also censor the media, and made sure people were only glorifying his rule, and papa doc would essentially steal resources for himself, and ignore the needs of the haitian people.

NOW THE SHEPARDS IN HAITI, i would imagine that they of course had to flee, in fear for their lives however, of course it wasn't easy to do. Bc of papa doc, there were restrictions on immigration. Papa doc viewed immigration a threat to his power and would heavily surveil ppl who he saw as his enemies (aka people who went against what he wanted them to say). NOW i hc the shepards mother to have been this activist or AT LEAST someone who spoke out against what he was doing. Before she say him as this hope, but she quickly realized what was happening, tried to speak out against him, and got on his bad side, and was now not only heavily censored, but also bc now she wants to leave haiti, she's also being watched by papa doc's people. To make it clear, (NOT DOING MY MATH JUST GOING ON MY HEAD), tim is like AROUND a tween and angela and curly are like idk 9 or something, curly and angela dont really understand what's going on because their mom is changing, she's less outspoken and more depressed, but tim understands because he's been reading what his moms been saying and listening into her conversations with other activist. But back to what I was saying, their mother wants to leave haiti but papa doc's people is harassing not only her but her family, trying to stop them from leaving the country and spreading what's happening. At some point, their mom pulled tim aside and told him to protect angela and curly and that's just always been engraved in his mind. Now skipping over some other things that would really just deter me from what I want to do in this post, immigrating to the US was HARD, because of papa doc, but also bc the us is just SHITTY. It was literally just hard for haitians who wanted to move to get the legal documents the legal documents they needed to get to emigrate legally and even if they did, it would always jut be a very lengthy and complex journey, with NO guarantee of success

now up to this point, you can either see the shepards as legal immigrants or illegal immigrants, however because they get into a LOT of legal problems, im gonna say that they are legal immigrants cause they def would've been deported or somethin

NOW WHEN THEY GET TO THE US, haitians MOSTLy moved to states like florida or new york, and some other states I can't name off the top of my head rn, but I think they did have someone in the US who was willing to help them and that's how they got there, if i didn't just imagine this shit, the shepards canonically have a step father, and so I feel like that's how they got to america, maybe their mother married him for a green card or whatever, Im not fully fleshing this idea out, maybe ill do it later, but y'all get what i mean, someone helped the shepard immigrate out of haiti, and either their mom, their bio dad, or their step father got the job, and so they found themselves in tulsa

obviously theyre facing racial discrimination, its the 1960s in america, its like dead middle of the civil rights movement, noirisme in haiti is still popping off and goin strong, so while the shepards are in a VERY racist time, they themselves, dont feel down or bash themselves for being black, they are VERY MUCH comfortable being who they are and wouldn't change that, and because people stereotype that in black people as being "rude" and "aggressive" sometimes, that's exactly what happened to the shepards, ESPECIALLY because theyre dark skinned I wanna make that be known right now

Going deeper into how this impacted tim, curly, and angela now!!!

So obviously, they have thick haitian accents, how they pronounce their r's isn't really pronounced, they speak kinda slow bc they have to translate what theyre saying, and they get laughed at for that, and that's where tim like, wanted to prove himself and wanted to protect his family. Even before moving to the us, tim HAD to step up and take care of angela and curly because his mom was really caught up in other things, so when their in a COMPLETLEY NEW ENVIORMENT??? that ramped tf UP, tim tolerated absolutely no disrespect from ANYONE about his family, and like I said, because of those stereotypes about black people, ESPECIALLY dark skinned black people, he was basically villanized, ADDING ONTO THE FACT NOBPDY REALLY UNDERSTOOD HIM BECAUSE HES A HAITIAN IMMIGRANT AND COULDNT EXACTLY COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE THE WAY HE WANTED TO?????? yea he was villanized BAD, and this would happen with curly and angela too, dont think it didn't, and that's how the shepards started building this idea of being 'intimidating' and people you 'shouldnt mess with', they knew the area they were in was really dangerous, and so they used this system that was already against them to protect themselves and their family, but also because they can be really intimidating people and WILL beat a bitch up

And long story short since this post is ALREADY long as shit, but that's also how the shepard gang came to be!!! as they got more and more used to being in america, they made friends with the people they could trust and started out as this group of friends like the curtis gang, but then they saw how important it was to have a gang in these times, especially when it came to greasers vs socs, and became this scary gang

ANYWAYS YAP SESH OVER, i didn't really spell check or flesh out some ideas or anything like that cause im running off of my asthma medication rn and im very shakey but omggg if y'all have any questions about this do tell me this is very fun for me to do

[glass--beach]

the troglodyte post is getting me bad cause it's so accurate to my life rn. At least my hopeful projection of my life as I'm in my troglodyte era. I started our uber competent cause of immature parents, working at like 15 and shit, and now im 21 and have been taken care of by my bf for 2 yeara lol. basically inernt creatively and professionally. how did you pull urself up and get to pre-god complex era that'd help a fellow biploar? thank you Ms. Glass Beach

i don’t know your life or anything but to me that sounds like you had to grow up fast & burned yourself out which is a super common & understandable experience… not saying it isn’t bipolar because a lot of what we call mental illness is the brain adapting to a life situation in a way that becomes a problem once the initial situation has changed. gonna be honest for me i’m like cycling every two weeks to a couple months or so, i have no control of it, and both extremes are pretty fucking awful. being at the top believe it or not is the absolute worst bc i feel possessed, i have no filter and can get very delusional so i’m constantly doubting everything i think and say. having the platform i do has led to some public embarrassment over that. i ride the waves, i don’t control them. i’ve been in a very low place for the past month and whatever the hell’s been going on with me was definitely in some way a ripple effect.

btw now that i’m exploring plurality a bit i am trying on the possibility of my manic episodes being a separate personality, that’s how it’s always felt anyway. i certainly operate in fundamentally different ways that contradict my usual convictions. the dr who diagnosed me barely got to know me & at the time i was eager to cherrypick facts to fit into that diagnosis but i’ve known there’s things that don’t quite line up. none of it is super hardcoded anyway diagnoses are just methods of understanding i think.

again i don’t know your life but it sounds like to me the best thing you could be doing is taking care of yourself. your 20s are in my opinion in large part about unpacking your childhood experience and seeing what coping strategies you don’t need anymore & giving yourself space to breathe. nobody has a perfect childhood & we tend to just tank through all the bad shit for the sake of survival to the point where it becomes repressed and doesn’t seem that bad until it just hits you out of nowhere as an adult. don’t worry about trying to achieve a whole lot creatively just do whatever bits you can here and there to keep yourself sane. you’ve got a lot of life ahead of you! <3

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

Thanks for tagging @jrooc

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

I’ve always been an avid reader and as a kid I wanted to be a writer so that was the start. I’ve been reading fanfic since i was in highschool, and I’ve had many different barely started fanfics started over the years but last year was the first time I was able to actually finish anything/taken it seriously. I think it just came down to college teaching me the last bit of discipline in my creative practice

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

Just Gallavich, but I’m very confident I will write destiel in my lifetime

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I published my first fic in September of last year!

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

it goes back and forth, when i enter a fandom i read fanfic voraciously but now i think i write a little more, its a balance between you can write the fanfic you want to read and you can read other peoples work to experience ideas you would never think of or just a different take on a familiar topic - both are good. I’m currently slowly going through and re-reading my old fics to get them ready to print and bind and its been a super fun process

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I hope i’ve improved a lot overall lol the main thing i always want to do well is portray the environment the way i envision it bc the worlds of my fanfics are rich and beautiful in my head so i just want to get better and better at pulling people into that

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Not a ton of weird research, a lot of google maps-ing to get a better understanding of the layout of Chicago and understanding how far away states/cities are from one another (i’m american, just a weird bicoastal one)

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

literally any comment, all of them are amazing and i can’t believe people read what i write and actually like it ?!? beautiful and very novel

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

um - i guess ABO, i was originally going to publish mine all mine anonymously bc it was very cringe inducing and still kind of is but tbh when i read it back i was like- wait this is good, even if it’s weird.

psychopomp is also a weird story, the way i thought/felt about it while writing was deeply weird and all the the themes of death and decay and devotion and consummation as an allegory for love were intended to be dark and just- weird

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Emotionally introspective fics that also really study the characters are really hard and i dont know why I keep fucking writing them - after finishing the fic im writing now i have to shift to something more plot focused

its really hard for obvious reasons but i also feel like i am an extremely logic driven person with a very particular worldview and all these characters are more emotionally driven than me. so i have to work very hard to not write behaviors from my pov and my decision making but from a studied understanding of the characters - which might be a good thing idk

um also idk if it needs to be said but brevity is not my strong suit, i should probably work on that

10. What is the easiest type?

Fluff, just cuddling and pillow talk baby i love that shit, also idk if i write smut well but it def goes the quickest for me

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Pages app on my icloud - I write after work some days, on my lunch break and on the train ride home. Every so often ill wake up early on a weekend and be in the mood to put on my noise canceling headphones and write for hours, but thats not super often

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

uhh - we’ll see. my true crime au is def one i want to write but all my ideas for the plot are just too dark rn, so well see if i can get it to lighten up a bit

13. What made you choose your username?

tagging 5 writers: @callivich @mmmichyyy @iansw0rld @energievie @metalheadmickey

[toxycodone]

ty for writing that man, I'm not the anon that u responded to but I'm unemployed rn and trying to look for a job while living with my dad and it helps knowing that someone I think is really cool/smart (ur in college and like, succeeding?!?!?! And u have friends that support you???!!!) went through shit like that. laios is doing better than me bro :') but idk ur response gave me a sliver of hope that I can have a better life someday like u do!!!

im gonna be real: no one is doing better than anyone. life is just. an experience for everyone. and you're either content where you're at or you want better. success isn't linear. progression isn't linear. and those two words are entirely up to your own discretion and definition of them.

but yes dude like a little over a year ago I was just some druggie attempting to starve myself to death or get into some insane situation where I'd get hurt and constantly failing at social situations to a point where I genuinely considered that when I thought I was secretly a freakish werewolf monster as a kid that I was RIGHT.

I don't live a perfect life now but I can say with certainty my life has changed a ton and for the better. it's genuinely such a dramatic change I wouldn't have believed it if you told me. but like. it is honestly crazy. i actually, genuinely fit in despite being like. me. which is just a thing in itself.

so breathe, cut yourself some slack, and try to be thankful for what you have and where you're heading. Something that took me so long to learn was like. it is such a privilege to be able to want more for yourself and understand you do deserve better.

things will get better! and it may look worse or get rougher before it does but like. yes I believe in you and i think i make a good case on why you should keep going!

[cluster-b-culture-is]

hey!!! if its ok i’d like you’re thoughts on something ig and to sorta ask you something

so im bodily 15 atm, and i have cptsd. when i look at posts regarding certain cluster b experiences (possibly some cluster c aswell) i relate a LOT (obviously im not saying that bc i relate that i have these disorders, i just kinda have a feeling that *something* is going on). its tricky bc i keep looking into things and i cant really find an answer. i also dont know if im too young and that its just because im a teenager.

i wont get into like what “symptoms” i experience rn bc i feel like thats a whole other conversation but yeah.

i hope i dont sound like one of those people that are like “i must have x bc i related to a silly video i saw” im just really confused and i feel like something aint right

i know you’re probably not professionals so feel free to delete or ignore this if its too much, but if not, what do you think?

So, here's the thing (and we will attempt to avoid being patronizing): It is absolutely correct that your age and emotional/psychological development can affect things, and that the process of development can cause things that look like mild symptoms. It's also correct that that combined with c-ptsd (and any other disorders you may have; you'd be surprised how many symptoms and comorbidities autism, ADHD, NPD, and BPD all share) can make it extremely hard to determine where your symptoms are coming from and whether there might be something more.

(You're also correct that we are not professionals; this is all coming from our own research and personal experiences, so as with everything, take this with a grain of salt.)

However. I would argue that it would be far more harmful to deny any possibility of having a personality disorder until you reach some arbitrary age threshold than it would be to say that you do have a PD. Especially if looking at your life experiences through the lens of having a PD is helpful, and if resources for pw/[x]PDs are helpful to you. Even if you don't end up having a PD, that doesn't mean you were just a hormonal stupid teenager refusing to listen to the Adults™ or whatever the fuck--it means that you looked at your experiences, found something that seemed similar, and it turned out that you were wrong; but hopefully, along the way, you found things that were helpful.

Under the assumption that you have done a lot of research, I would personally recommend saying that you have traits of a particular disorder as opposed to saying you have the full disorder, and that is to two ends: one, a lot of adults with PDs (especially in ASPD spaces, if that's one of the disorders you're looking at) will kick your shit to hell and back if you even insinuate that you think you may have the full disorder (which I think is extremely counterintuitive if we want teenagers to understand their experiences and, yknow, not develop a full-blown personality disorder, regardless of whether you think teenagers can have a full personality disorder); and two, it might help you target the specific symptoms that you're experiencing without saddling you with the belief[/knowledge] that you have an incredibly stigmatized and lifelong disorder.

A lot of this stuff depends on a few things: (A) what your symptoms are (and if they can be better explained by other things, especially other things you know you have); (B) how severe your symptoms are (like the difference between being generally grouchy versus being actively hostile); and (C) how long your symptoms have lasted (if they only started popping up in the past few months or the past year versus if you've had them for years and years).

If you end up not having a personality disorder, anon, I think it will still be better for you in the long run to explore the possibility instead of shrugging it off under the excuse that you're "too young". It could turn out that you never had the disorder and it really was something else, it could turn out that you have traits but not the full disorder, or, hell, it could turn out that, by using resources and support you found by being part of communities surrounding PDs, you ended up not developing the full PD (even if you may still have a few traits)--because, at this age, you are still developing, and you are changing a lot, and very little is set in stone when it comes to these types of things--and you should absolutely take advantage of that! And even then, speaking from a more selfish perspective, it will never be a bad thing for more people to understand what it may be like to have a personality disorder.

For a bit of actionable advice on determining whether or not you may have one, though:

(1) Do your research. Obviously it's great that you're getting information from people with the disorders themselves by looking at PD communities; however, not everything having to do with the disorder will be talked about, and quite honestly, Tumblr is a terrible place to find definitive information on the PDs. Life experience? Yes. Actual information looking at how the disorders work and what they can entail in full? Ehhh, not quite. Look at a variety of academic sources, but in the same vein, keep your wits about you--professionals aren't immune to ableism, and may often perpetuate it with glee. Some of it may be obvious, some of it might not be.

(2) Keep an eye on your symptoms--make a manual check against the actual criteria every once in a while (but keep in mind that the DSM is also deeply flawed and biased); @shitborderlinesdo has a ton of checklists based on the DSM and individual testimony that can help. We first started questioning ASPD when we were 14, and we'd do those kinds of manual checks once every several months or once a year or so. It both helps you understand what your symptoms are, and helps you keep track of how you're doing over time. Don't use online quizzes for this; quite honestly, they're not really good for anything except validation if you know you'll get a high score.

(3) Look at stuff other than personality disorders, too, and try to figure out why your interest skews towards specific disorders. For a long ass time, we believed we had StPD and did our absolute best to ignore any information to the contrary, because (due to our symptoms) if it wasn't StPD, the only thing it could be otherwise was schizophrenia, and we were scared shitless of the idea; at first because we were scared of the idea that our symptoms might've been so severe, but eventually because we were afraid to admit that we were wrong. (As I've said before, no shame in being wrong--do as I say, not as I do.)

Ultimately, I can't stop you from doing anything, and I can't force you to do anything either. I'm just a mentally ill guy with an internet connection. My life experiences have led me to this conclusion, and others may disagree with it--that's perfectly fine. Again, I am not a professional. You know yourself and your experiences the best, and I think by this point, you have enough understanding of yourself and the world to be able to figure out what'll be best for you and your health, given that you have the proper resources to do so. You are a being with life experience, even if it's less than others may have; you aren't a rock, and you aren't a three year old who still hasn't realized that touching the lit stove will equal a burned finger. I personally think that the way a lot of folks go about talking to and about teenagers who think they may have personality disorders is, frankly, infantilizing and invalidating, and it just ends up with traumatized and unsupported teenagers turning into traumatized and unsupported adults, with the added bonus of an extra helping of imposter syndrome to top it all off.

I hope you're doing well anon, and I hope you see this (sorry for responding so late lmao). Off into the world ye may go, hopefully with a bit more knowledge and idea of what to do next than you had before.

[seth-burroughs]

mdarc chapter 1 rewatch part 3, and yes, i am aware of the massive pile of asks i have on all my blogs however as always i shall keep running. no don't stop sending them i absolutely appreciate the attention its just i need to mentally prepare two weeks in advance and cry in order to give a sufficient response. you should give it a try and converse with yours truly again some more if the thought of torturing and killing me slowly sounds fun and exciting to you👍

oh look its the child extortion scene

you would think halara, who's got all that trauma from having their family get scammed and destroyed by a friend* they trusted as a child, would be just a tiny bit less comfortable with swindling kids out of their money rn but like you know that's just my thoughts......

they're Reclaiming it <3

*listen. like i know i can't be the only one that thinks that way, but so far so many people ive seen that played this game just went through this gab and thought "oh wow a middle schooler just scammed them that is so crazy lmao", and like. i was under the impression that halara was the one in middle school the entire time, and their "best friend" was just some adult con artist that gained Halara's trust (or just flat out groomed them, honestly) so they could scam their parents. like, you do know this interpretation makes infinitely more sense than... very nefarious 12 year old manipulator investment scamming adults or whatever

has nobody already made a halara "fuck them kids" joke or do i gotta pull out that art program again

this child is like fucking what, five?? literally crying what is your PROBLEM halara...... halara i don't even think he understands half of whatever you're saying to him right now.....................

they didn't even give it back to kei they just tossed it over to yuma???????? lmao?????????

still. they're so fucking cool. i'm giving them the highest honor i can bestow (narcissistic personality disorder and massive autism)

AH WAIT I FORGOT WE ACTUALLY INVESTIGATE SHIT IN THIS GAME OOOOoooooh. ooooooooooh.

i forgot to read the report by the way

*points at jiei colan* SYMMETRY TOOL LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh holy shit wait canon age??? jiei is 48??? ok now that is information i am going to blast into my mind permanently and not like. anything slightly more important

casual fatphobia jumpscare

pink blood scene *nods solemnly*

holy shit i know exactly who the culprit is you wont believe it. im so fucking smart. im a genius im a fucking god fondle my nuts while you blow me

i can already feel seth approaching rapidly because my eyes are getting teary and my chest is doing really funny stuff right now. the sense went off

once he arrives i will keep a list of "memorable and beautiful things seth has done in all his 4 scenes" as well as "memorable and beautiful things desuhiko has done in the entire game or perhaps his life" and then compare once we finish. wish me luck

chapter 1 >>>>>>>>>> every other fucking chapter. i am going to kill a man on this hill

THERE HE COMES .

I'm twitching like hell right now. my muscles yearn for the burroughs

UUAAAAAIIIIIGIHUGFFYDFUUUUUGHGHHHHGAAAAAAAAAAGHUSYDGHSDUUUUUHHHHHHHHGGHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! H H

HE HIS STUPID FUCKIDGFG WALK

take that rain cape off you fucking coward this is kanai ward. noticed his lil fox symbol on his back and got reminded of wackpedion's religious seth post but im not gonna look for it now. but yeah he's 100% metal fox church guy i told you this chapter got layerssss to it. this is cinema. video games lore have peaked at rain code chapter 1. scott cawthon has been really silent ever since rain code chapter 1 dropped

his face. its heeehhhhere. i am going tocommit vehicular manslaughter. and ask him why is his skin fucking gray

holy motherfucker I TOTALLY forgot how his japanese voice sounds. he sounds. slightly more normal actually. less pathetic if that was possible. its like he still has hope. help me he sounds so young

i like how. he just calmly extremely quietly tells them to stand up while standing like 20 feet away from them and knowing his voice usually doesn't reach above 30db. like he just stands there mumbling to them to plss get up now knowing they probably can't hear him. he jsut. gives it a try. maybe this time

maybe he's trying to awaken his telepathic abilities.

omg god a charlie radiohead wackpedion oc cameo???? i can't believe that wiki let spike chunsoft put charlie in their game in order to help increase sales it is so cool how they support smaller creators like that once again

that cunty stance. who stands like that.

its not fucking on. how did you notice its not fucking on. or did he just did but tried regardless. dead silence.

truly, a flattering introduction

and he. wasn't even that fucking mad he just gave him a very dissapointed look to go and fix that. which makes me think it has happened before. and numerous times

finally, seth has succeeded. you know whats crazy about that scene?? the peacekeepers were knocked out a solid while ago thats gonna be at least 15, if not just 20 entire minutes. realistically if youre uncounscious for that much time (and im pretty sure halara whacked them on the head) then you're gonna be concussed as fuck perhaps even have serious brain injuries (and im pretty sure halara whacked them on the head HARD) like youre not gonna be ok after this. his voice literally healed them. he commanded them to rise and so they did. combined with the blatant christian themes of rain code (makoto is satan. martina's motorcycle is the ark) the answer is obvious seth is jesus where was i going with this again

seth is so fucking chill its unbelievable. its the fourth time something has happened to him this moment, megaphone guy fucked up the fucking volume and he just. takes a few steps back motions with his arms and doesn't even say anything. if that were yomi he'd just bring out the whip. if that were martina she'd verbally abuse them so fucking hard they would not be able to look her in the eye ever again in their lives. if that were guillaume she'd start screeching at dominic to decapitate that man

i am going to look away whenever they mention Bodies Rotting Quickly In Kanai Ward from now on. i shall not. it is not worth it.

megaphone guy cringe moment

i would say something about the entire "public execution" moment but i think i already said enough before. so.

goodbye seth you absolutely fucking SLAYED it

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi mac!!!! mentally i am sitting with u on the couch watchin youtube videos w u. i hope ur day was good :3 i had work 2day. did not stop me writing ghostknife!!! i wrote 2k more words in my tumblr drafts over my seven hour shift. im at 8.5k words total now. get my ass out the kitchen im cookin too hard!!!!! THAT ASIDE mac can u gimme some nhw thoughts. i wanna hear about nhw mark winters. tell me abt ur favourite gay depressed blond man!!!!!!!! i wanna hear abt him and what the winters family torment nexus is like in nhw!!!!!! holding out a microphone 2 u the floor is yours 🎤

OKAY . HI. I LOVE TORTURING THAT BLONDE MAN. im going to direct you to the mark winters essay just in case you havent read that one yet because its got context for a lot of what im gonna talk about hehe (beware for worm spoilers, ill make this answer easy 2 understand without context i promise) under the cut bc i tend to ramble about him. oops

god . okay. basis of the entire nhw mark winters character is that he is the most unlucky man in the entire world. like. literally. hes been targeted that way. universe's favorite punching bag. i could make a joke here about being god and such but ill save that for my dnd campaign.

literally. so much bad shit happens to him. and then keeps happening to him. and keeps happening. and he has to be so fucking. emotionally repressed and logical and analytic and focused or else he will go crazy. mark is one of those capes that got powers artificially (overlord forced them on him- parallel to forced experimentation in canon) but the dramatic irony of it all is that even if mark would have gotten his powers naturally through a trigger event... with the way worm powers work he probably wouldve ended up with the same powers anyway. man is a striker/tinker, which comes from "facing an immediate, in-your-face threat, usually a singular object or individual" (indirect danger from simurgh, immediate danger from ashe in his very unstable breaker form immediately after killing his mom) and "solutionless problems over long periods of time, culminating in a crisis moment" (faking his and ashe's deaths in order to escape the quarantine process of simurgh survivors, having to be on the run from any sort of scrutiny for nearly TEN YEARS, eventually resulting in being offered a job working for overlord (a notoriously cruel crime lord)) . i have a lot of feelings about that. mark goes through all of this and never has a trigger event, he gets through it all with his humanity mostly intact. and then he ends up getting powers anyway because hes forced into a corner by a fucking alligator man.

ANYWAYYYYY. the fic im writing rn is from tide's pov and its immediatly after overlords death, where tide finds mark (and a bunch of other people) unconscious in tubes after going through biological experimentation and getting. animal features. this is how mark gets the lizard stuff in this au. anyway since the fic is from tide's pov i want to take a second to talk about what it would be like from marks pov. mark disobeyed one of overlords orders because it would have meant fighting the wards (who ashe . recently joined as part of the team) . overlord does not take this well and punishes him by using him for unethical human experiments. so between that moment and overlords death, mark had been subjected to over a week of near-constant testing and surgery and he was probably awake for a lot of it and. thatll fuck a guy up!!!!! pretty fucking severely!!!!! but in the grand scheme of things a week isnt that much time. which is why his transformation is only minimal and he can still pretty much pass as human with some disguising (some of the other subjects were. not so lucky).

mark was unconscious for the entire overlord fight, so he has no idea what happens. because he was unmasked, the heroes dont recognize him as a villain so instead of going to jail he gets taken to a hospital with all of the other subjects and is basically just treated as a civilian victim. but because nobody knows who he is or his relation to ashe/auxiliary.... nobody. tells him about what happened to overlord. the wards arent as closely involved with mark in this au (and honestly they dont really like him enough to care, they really just know him as "ashe's shitty dad" and thats about it). um. well. the only person who knows his identity and knows his relation is. tide.

working for a supervillain and constantly surviving out of the public's eye for fear that someone might discover your past doesnt leave a lot of room for friends, and his only living family is currently being turned into a puppet by another supervillain (not that he knows this yet) so the only person who really visits him is tide. theyre not friends, theyre not anything to each other, really, but . they KNOW each other. they UNDERSTAND each other in a way that. nobody else in the world would. go read roswells nhw tidalwave post its everything to me . anyway im getting distracted. like i said, over a week of constant unethical experiments and body horror will fuck a guy up. three of his base biological senses/instincts have been SEVERELY messed with (eyesight is fundamentally changed by the heat sense, he cant really thermoregulate well anymore, his balance is completely thrown off by the Addition Of A New Limb) and so that makes it. really hard for him to recover into some sense of lucidity. the next handful of days after he ends up in the hospital are a complete blur of consciousness, any time he opens his eyes hes totally disoriented, hes getting these awful migraines from the strain, he cant control his body heat and it seems like hes always too cold, the scales are fucking itchy, etc etc etc. hes bedridden most of the time because he cant even stand up on his own without support bc he has to get used to the weight of a tail. for those days where he's basically stuck in bed, stuck in his room, etc. he is. bored out of his mind, hes angry, hes scared (ohhh god hes in a hospital did someone do a background check do they know who he is. he hasnt been to a real doctor in over ten years), he doesnt know how much time has passed.

tide happens to visit the first day mark is feeling lucid enough to ask about ashe. this is like. a week or so into his recovery. he overheard one of the staff talking about the date and it made him like. snap awake because he realized hes been away from home and had no way to contact ashe in like. half a month. he cant ask any of the hospital staff about what happened to his son because thats a surefire way of getting a billion questions about his identity. so when tide shows up its immediately like "where is he is someone taking care of him i hate you heroes and everything you stand for but i know hes part of that team now please tell me theyre keeping him safe" and. tide is really really good at keeping a straight face but he just has this Look in his eyes and mark Knows in that moment that every single one of his nighmares is coming true. he tries to leave, tide has to catch him because he still cant walk and hes behaving like a fucking wild animal, hes biting and clawing and just in this rage because why didnt anyone tell me sooner i couldve done something i couldve protected him ("mark, you were basically in a coma" "i dont care") . nobody knows what actually happened to ashe yet. he killed overlord and then just. went missing. nobody saw him leave. they have no lead whatsoever on where he could be (yet) and it drives mark CRAZY dude like. all mark winters knows is grief and rage. eventually the wards are given that hint about where to find him and see him with the trickster and now THEY know, but. again, they dont.. know mark as well. they dont have any reason to go tell him right away. i havent decided yet whether it would be more painful for tide to break this news to him too or if the first time mark sees his son again is . on tv unmasked using his powers in some gaudy outfit he knows ashe would never choose to wear with his hair pulled back out of his face in some intricate braid and. why are his eyes orange . what the fuck happened to him. his wholeeeeee. entire world entire existence just comes crashing down around him .

mark winters universe's most hated man

[nerves-nebula]

Hey! I absolutely love your work! Loved what you did with your AU and I hope you have more instore♡♡ Im gonna say rn tho that I cant word for the life of me so I hope my questions make some what sense

1. Will shredder/footclan pop up more later in the series?

2. How would splinter react when he finds about Raph and Casey? Would he just be absolutely angry or bamboozled since he thought turtles couldnt be gay?

Im sorry if either of these questions were already asked, if they were just ignore them. But I hope you are doing well, and let yourself have breaks when you need, we will understand♡♡ Have some pats n a hug (im uncomfy with kisses sorry-😭😭)

yeah they will. The foot is pretty important to them I think. i just haven't gotten around to it hahah. ive been delving a lot in to the PAST and the FUTURE of the turtles but as far as the NOW of them being teenagers? I haven't actually done much work there. what can i say i love a good backstory.

I'm not sure Splinter will ever pick up on it unless someone outs them to him. Casey and Raph arent even aware of their feelings for each other until wayyy later

but if someone DID or he did hypothetically find out. I think he'd be like,, mean about it but not like, DISOWNING YOU mean about it, yknow what I mean? He'd be like "ugh ew keep that shit outta my house" but he's also fully a homophobic gay man so he'd probably come to some weird conclusion like: "Oh my weird son is just going through That Phase we all go through. So long as he doesn't keep doing this when he's older I guess I'll just make my disgust clear and turn a blind eye for now."

im also uncomfy with kisses irl (been having a lot of trouble accepting affection for a while at this point it almost HURTS it feels so bad fasdgga) but i dont really care about what kind of virtual affection ppl give me lol

[aztarion]

Can I get uhhhhh M1, 5, and 8 for deva and a large fry pls

YOU GOT IT BOSS making a fresh batch just for you 🫶🍟

1. At current, does your detective want more with their relationship with M?

mmm reading through these questions afterwards, im realizing this was made way before book 3 came out lol, so the answer is much muddier for deva. she’s a bit more fucked up than the rp choices in game allow so a lot turns into fanfic fodder for me when i feel devious, but she is similar to mason in that she doesnt know how to process what she’s feeling for him or how to broach it, but very different from him in that while he’ll eventually be receptive to and understand whats going on between them, deva purposefully buries her head in the sand — sex is fine, the casual touching and comfort is fine, but a meaningful intimate connection scares the shit out of her. she’s never had that before; never allowed herself it, and no one has ever stayed in her life long enough in the last decade for something like that to develop anyway. while theyre both treading uncharted waters, mason (shockingly) is definitely going to be the one most open to going w the current; dev struggles a bit. god i need a life for real i didn’t even answer the question

by the end of book three i think she’s definitely realized there’s something much deeper between them but it scares her. after sex when Mason stays and tells her not to do that again/make him think she’s not coming back, i honestly imagine that puts the shits up her instead of making her smile and blissfully fall asleep LOL. she probably wakes up relieved hes gone that she can try to assemble some sort of casual charade again for the world and a lie to tell and calm herself, because the inkling he’s down bad too terrifies her

5. Saying that M has the carnival picture, how do you think your detective will react once they find out they have it?

OOOOF it depends on how its revealed i suppose, certainly if its like beginning of book 4 that will jumpscare her even more because she knows how much holding onto things means to HER (cough carnival wolf not to mention her hoard of rooks stuff) so what could this mean for HIM 😭 but a little later when she starts learning to chill, being a sentimental loser, she will be very glad he kept it because she secretly wanted a copy too hehe

8. Personally, how do you think your detective will react when M admits they have deeper feelings for the detective?

my stupid ass kind of went into this in the first question with NO prompting im sorry😭 but she will probably freak out and try to change his mind LOL. im hoping since we could play purposefully ignorant and in denial after the crystal scene in book 3, mishka keeps that going for the big reveal.. nothing else going on in my life rn i need the drama

thank you ezra!!! <33 running to ur inbox real quick HOLD UP

[blee-bleep]

Hello, I’m fairly new (you have a lot of talent, you make wonderful art) but I just saw your post about your grandma. I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is a very difficult thing and can be very confusing when you lose someone you had a bad relationship with. I was once in such a situation too. I don’t know how it was with your grandma, but I hated that person so much. And when they left… I missed them and I didn’t understand why. After all the things they did… after everything they caused… I still cared about them. I even felt guilty. How could I care about someone like that? I used to get angry at myself every time I grieved, every time I cried. Don’t make my mistake. When we lose someone, no matter how they influenced our lives, there’s an impact. After all, they were still a part of my life, a part of my world. They were a loved one. A member of my family. It changes a lot. And after all, I knew deep down, they still had some good in their heart. After everything… they didn’t deserve to die. And maybe, the thing I missed most was the relationship I wished I had with them.

It was very hard for me to move on. To let go. And I think this is mostly because I didn’t understand that I needed to forgive them. I kept holding on to this pent up feeling of hatred. This anger. But I should have forgiven them for everything they had done. Because forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. It most certainly doesn’t justify it. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Forgiveness is taking the knife out of your own back and not using it to hurt anyone else. Forgive them not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. You deserve to be able to let go. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. If you haven’t already, I think you should think about this.

And in the end, we shouldn’t see death as a bad thing, as when someone passes away, it creates another beautiful life. Like flowers dying in the winter, making place for beautiful flowers to blossom in the spring. That is, the merry-go-round of life. 

I hope you have someone to help you through these difficult times. And remind yourself that it is okay to grieve. It just shows that you have a good heart. I don’t know how it is for you right now but I hope I helped at least a little bit. Take care!

Oh and, life has many different chapters. Don’t let one bad chapter close the book.

-Sorry for the long text and all-

Thank you for this ask. i rlly needed to read it, especially abt the knife metaphor. I didnt live with my grandma as close as my other family members were but I still grew up with her, and her image is everywhere in my family (literally, my grandpa's genes are basically nonexistent). so its really hard to process how to grieve for someone you had a bad relationship with. her death esp impacted my parents and aunts, and there's a certain tension between them now.

for me, Im still learning to forgive and learn how to live without her, but rn its the guilt of not building a happier relationship with her im angry about because after all this time, she is still my grandma. this doesnt mean it justifies the horrible shit she said and done (and shes over 90!), but i feel like i can't make peace with myself when we heard that she finally passed. so thank u for your reassurance through this message. grief is truly hard