#im genuinely so bugged out
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All of my thought on the possible Morro return and then some, in one long rant about characters, powers, relationships, and ages:
The Morro minifig and the possibility of Morro soon being a character in Dragons Rising means we will soon also get more lore on the Departed realm AND the Cursed realm.
Im hoping this will not only give us world building lore, but Morro scenes and lore, as well as a possible hint at the fact he and Garmadon hung out when they were both dead, and also a lot more dead characters like Soul Archer, Bansha, Wrayth, Howla, Ghoultar, and previously alice characters like the previous king and queen, dr Julien, maybe some old friends of the fsm too to get some lore on him and how Lloyd’s element might work.
If they show Dr Julien as a ghost i hope they introduce Echo Zane against as either his own character or as Mr E as well as an explanation on why he left him.
Morro coming back is actually so important when it comes to the story in regards to the two realms of the dead because not only is Morro likely to be the most knowledgeable about BOTH, but whatever the ninja will need or have to do is likely to end up in the cursed realm and they would need Morro to help them. Not to mention he’s also the only trustworthy ghost who would know all the information that they would need.
Using him can also help give more Euphrasia scenes and story and let us see her grow too.
Im scared as to how they might portray Morro, since before he was a brat, then he was strangely calm and sarcastic, but he’s also really strategic and smart in what he does and super talented, so i hope they don’t portray his character wrong. I think it really a huge 50/50 on it since its been ages since Morro’s last scene so it can’t be that bad but its kinda scary to think what might happen cause if they do mess up his character (no matter how limited it is) it would be really disappointing.
Morro would is also likely to be introduced in either a super over dramatic way, a sudden and hidden surprise kinda way, or the most stupidest way possible. Examples: Morro flying in and kicking ass as he saves the ninja or someone the ninja know which leads them having a conversation as to their situations where the ninja and co are super untrusting with Morro who lowkey understands but doesn’t wanna give a damn, Morro is introduced as a faceless/random character who no one knows and helps the ninja in their recent adventure until eventually something makes his reveal his identity, or Morro just kinda appears and follows along because being dead can be boring.
Genuinely though I’m so excited to see it all happen because Morro is such a great character with such a huge lack on information on him, and it would be a good way to help develop some characters and give characters who haven’t had a lot of attention to get some. Euphrasia can train with him and learn her element better, we could get a Cole arc about his previous ghostlyness and maybe it could be affecting him even now, maybe Some bonding between Nya and Morro about elements of Wojira, and the obvious angst of the whole possession incident and how they should deal with it after years of not seeing each other, Kai being incredibly cautious and Lloyd being unsure how to react, and maybe Morro could help point Zane to Pixal because Morro and Pixal is probably the best duo ever.
Then we also need to take in consideration the fact that Morro does not have an element anymore, and unless they pull some weird elemental lore shi like “Morro is the first elemental master of wind so he can still control it too” he won’t ever have one. So far with a lot of non elemental characters or when elemental masters lose their element they are shown to be incredibly weak and unable to defend themselves, which is incredibly stupid to me. So i al hoping to imagine that Morro is a straight up badass with his hand to hand and weapons combat. Just realising this but whilst all of the non elemental masters are shown as weak, if you’re non-human you’re an exception to that rule. So maybe he will be fine in that aspect.
I also hope they don’t portray him as weaker then the ninja, BUT ALSO don’t portray the ninja as weaker than him. It’s always annoying when people do that when it’s more logical they’d be equals.
You know maybe they might resurrect Morro too but i don’t feel like it would be the best idea knowing Ninjago. They wouldn’t portray it the best and it would end up being a mess that might just ruins his character. But in my little au’s i can imagine him getting resurrected by accident and getting stuck with Wu’s element.
And now, finally, i hope you all realise every single ninja would be much older than Morro now if they meet him again.
#lego ninjago#ninjago#morro ninjago#morro wu#lego emo#ninjago morro#ninjago nya#ninjago zane#ninjago kai#ninjago lloyd#ninjago cole#ill make more rants alter#euphrasia#ninjago euphrasia#ninjago dragons rising#dragons rising#lego ninjago morro#im genuinely so bugged out#guys omg#i love him so much
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so, would you?
nothing important under the cut, you don't need to look haha
#inspired by the random youtube short i saw about how these types of questions are not really about logic but about emotion and reassurance#doesn't matter if the question doesn't make sense. you say 'yes' because you love them no matter what. not because its a worm or a bug or#or anything. its a way of saying 'i will love you when you've changed and when you're different. because it's still *you*.'#idk something about it just felt so gentle and genuine. like a pure display of affection through a silly question...#and of course fnc was the first thing i thought about because i got brainworms#jrwi fish and chips#jrwi riptide#jrwi chip#gillion tidestrider#my art#sketch#also im back from a vacation! and i feel so awful i got sick the first day home and im sitting here at 6am drawing fishes and chips#the dialog feels a little ooc but i cant figure out if it really is or if its because my head hurts and i cant think#tbh it doesn't really matter.......... but it matters to me augh#ALSO yes the under the cut bit is about episode 109. i dont know if its clear or not
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polymer broadcast signal hijack
#pikmin#captain olimar#ft. louie captain shepherd and collin#as well as#moss (pikmin)#watched a stream series of pikmin 4 (its frankenbugs' series) thats what this is about really#but mostly. I just love olimar. I just really enjoy that man#also this really got me flexing those bande dessinée muscles from back thens lol#Ive missed drawin with this kinda proportions... I should do it more#Im gonna draw an olimar to put in my wallet. I need to make my life harder to explain to strangers#I also wanna. add more details to his space suit. make it look more like real life space suit for fun & entertainment#man I enjoy the animals in pikmin so much. they really are just like. animals. theyre animals#its great I love how genuinely bug-lookin the bugs are even with the stylization. pikmin and pokemon are really good at that#would like to learn how to do that... sometimes in the future#oh yeah fun fact. my effort at cleaning up my undercut a few days ago went badly. right before I went to a family reunion thing for 2 days#so I was goin out of my mind at that event postin abt olimar bc I love him#and then. when I got home. I decided to shave my head instead of trying to fix the haircut again#and so the sequence of events becomes I post about olimar -> I enter my bald arc#I am okay with this. have a good night lads. binding books is actually really fun u should try it
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md paws save me.... save me md paws
#this genuinely helped me w art block#i LOVE making shit up and drawing paws. so boom combine the 2#also i LOVE doll if yall coulsnt tell#im still figuring out her bug thing but omfgggg shes my fav#md#md uzi#md v#md n#murder drones#murder drones uzi#uzi doorman#uzi murder drones#murder drones v#v murder drones#serial designation v#murder drones n#n murder drones#serial designation n#murder drones fanart#my art#grims art
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Ask and you shall receive (a sneak peak of what's to come)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#mdzs au#homestuck#I genuinely do have troll designs for the major characters of mdzs adn thoughts pertaining to their hemospectrum#I honestly thought ppl would start throwing holy salt at me at the mention of homestuck but the enthusiasm is super motivating!#With that said; Thank you all so much for the support with the hollow knight crossover#Even people who have never heard of hollow knight have been so kind (go buy and play hollow knight; the aesthetic and story are amazing)#More bug doodles and comic are ahead! I'll try and space them out between comic updates.#More thoughts will come later but for now...allow me to leave you with this:#Non-homestucks may see the blue and red and go 'aw blue-red ship how cute' while those who know might realize exactly what im putting down#namely that this version of wwx is *very* interested and persistent about getting lwj to spend time with him.#Lwj lives in a very insular indigo colony and isn't fully aware of the differences in life span between hemocasts (yet).#But wwx is. So he's driven to live life to the fullest! This would also drive him to be way more self-sacrificing.#Since his life is so small compared to everyone else he loves anyways. That purple isn't just aesthetic either.
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Thinks really hard about superior agreeing to do that for Taka in the recent issue...remembers issue 12💥💥. LOVE this manga they get me fr.. he HATES how he was as doc ock so bad he would rather DIE than go back to being how he used to be even tho he knows he cant win against himself anymore because he refuses to be cruel again.. THATS HOW IT SHOULD BEEEE THEY GET IT... sick and twisted to me knowing how superior vol 2 ended up resetting him anyway.. AAAARGRGGHHHGGGGHHHGHHHH💥
#and vol 3 gnome laughed on his corpse#GAUAHHHHH MY BUG I NEED HIM TO BE TORMENTED FOREVER BY HIS OWN SELF AND IM WINNING#IM WINNINGGGG!!! GENUINELY REGRETS WHAT HED DONE TILL HES PLAGUED BY HIS OWN SELF FOREVER BECAUSE HES DONE TOO MUCH WOOOOOO!!!#alsooooo im still soo happy this manga FINALLY gave me superior vs own self as doc ock.. hii <33 hiii#SUPERIOR SHOULD HAVE BEATEN HIS DOC OCK SELF WITH HIS BARE FISTS IT WOULD BE SO CATHARTIC YET IT WOULDNT MAKE HIM STOP HATING HIMSELF 💥💥#BUT I ACTUALLY LOOVE HOW OCK USES OTOHA AS LIKE A SHIELD SO SUPERIOR CANT HURT HIM.. CUZ HE WONT HURT INNOCENT CHILDREN !! ‼️#AND HOW SUPERIOR WOULD RATHER DENY HIMSELF THE CHANCE TO LET OUT HIS CONTEMPT FOR HIS PAST AND PUNISH HIMSELF THE WAY HE THINKS HE DESERVES#THAN HURT A CHILD !!#WOO I LOVVVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT HE WILL LEARN TO CARE FOR OTHERS MORE THAN HE HATES ON HIMSELF !!#NEVER FORGIVING THEM FOR REVERTING ALL OF SUPERIORS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BEFORE WE GOT MORE COOL STORIES EXPLORING HOW HE DEALS#superior spiderman#superior spider man#spider-man: octopus girl#superior spider-man#spiderman: octopus girl#i may have just ranted in nonsensical blorbo frenzy BUT UAARGHH GOOD SUPERIOR CONTENT FOR ONCEE#elliot tolliver#superior octopus
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hiiii ^^ beastlife fishie analysis. spoilers ahead. etc etc
okay so. the main point of this is simple. I don't think the salmon head cursed c!fishie. Explaining that is the harder part I think. also i'm going to refer to the salmon head thing in e5 as "the incident" from here on out because frankly i think it's funny
Let's start with the incident. The big day. etc. What happened? Why did it happen? Obligatory third questioning statement? Well. She was gifted the salmon head for her birthday by kiwi(or like. someone in the kiwibird system. -bird system. the birds). Immediately upon receiving it she relives parts of season one and fishie herself doesn't really acknowledge it. The other players definitely notice but im not caught up enough in any other pov yet to like have thoughts on that I'll come back to that point someday. Fishie seems shaken, sure, but she moves on so quickly, especially considering what happened just there. 37 seconds of standing frozen, unresponsive. she recovers in 5 seconds. And seeing how she reacts later on to realizing the memory situation--if she was aware that happened, she would probably be concerned by it. She puts it on for a brief second at the end of the party and takes it off immediately. She's otherwise normal -- well. as normal as she is otherwise up to that point. Because that is also how she acts with pretty much any salmon head, even just kiwi herself.
I raise: Episode one, about 8:20 in. The slow zoom on kiwi as the static overtakes every other noise. This is the *exact* same behavior displayed when fishie receives the salmon head, albeit without actual concrete old video footage style flashbacks. In episode two (28:55ish) the same thing happens when she looks at the salmon head in moch's house, but this time there is technically a flashback -- kiwis grave. Fishie moves on immediately and doesn't acknowledge her behavior at all, and, seeing as it is fishie, im inclined to believe that means she does not know she is doing it. Fishie (when alone) will discuss all of her problems in immense, and usually misguided detail (bestie i promise kiwi doesn't hate you???) to the audience and/or herself. I mean she's not alone in episode one, and it is technically presession, and i guess getting struck by lightning is a decent distraction from your problems, but in episode two? She is completely alone. There is nobody with her. She went looking for moch and moch is not there. She still doesn't acknowledge the fiveish seconds she is completely frozen. This happens again and again with kiwi and salmon heads.
And then that leads you to e5. The incident. She's. well. she's doing worse. 0:50. "This will distract me if i leave it up." This is the first mention from fishie herself about how fucking weird she's being, and even then she doesn't seem concerned. I think she does not realize she's being so so incredibly weird about it. If the static and freezing is what's referred to as "distraction" then keeping it in her inventory makes it worse actually so it wouldn't really make sense unless the way it is distracting her is NOT the. well. whatever the fuck is wrong with her (affectionate). After she puts the head on there's the static all the time but for a short brief amount of time she's like significantly more normal and i don't really know if that means anything i just think it's really funny.
And then we all know what goes on during the incident i'm not analyzing this video frame by frame. um. i could. but i am not going to right now. And then she has the conversation on the table with kiwi where she like is normal for 5 minutes. Like genuinely the most. i guess stable? fishie's thought process is is like in the moments directly after the incident. She is immediately understanding with the antikiwi situation, they come to an agreement that they're like. okay now. "thank you for everything and im so sorry i couldnt do more" / "it was short, but it was nice" "i knew what i was getting into when i married you" etc etc and then they kind of rush it at the end because people won't stop dying. But then fishie is fishie and takes it in the complete opposite extreme (from. um. whatever was wrong up until now. to "oh kiwibird must secretly hate me because" and then there's no real good reason she's just like that) and it's also an issue. And i think the season two memory thing is also a part of that but this is so long already and so i'm not going to get into it rn. So bringing all of this back to my original point: the salmon head was not the cause of the curse(?) because she's been so weird all the time forever and the salmon head thing was just like. an effect. of whatever went Wrong(tm) in the season transition. like the head was a vessel to Be Worse about it but i feel like it would have worked with any salmon head she got her hands on and that it happened to be kiwico was a coincidence and also that the head wasn't cursed at all there's just something deeply wrong with fishie s3 in general and uh yeah 👍
I'm so sorry this is so disjointed i had a thesis statement and everything. alas
#whisp whispers#fishie beastlife spoilers#since i had to rewatch videos these tags will serve as going insane about details i missed that were irrelevant to the post#i could make a whole thing on the parallels between fishie and bree. 'at least im not the only one with a troubled love life' yeah i guess#this is taking me ages to finish because if i think about beastlife fishie too long it genuinely spikes my heart rate#i think there's something wrong with me#fishie and bree both leaping at the oppurtunity to trade with their exes is so funny to me#someone should do indepth research about the way fishie interacts with dingo because i haven't been paying attention to it#by 'someone' i mean me because i'm the only one who can do that. other beastlife fan if you see this. holds out hand do you want#to make an analysis post with me .......#i appreciate kiwi trying so hard to do bug facts because bree's moth take is toooo insane for him. we can yes and the alien bit he draws th#line at incorrect moth facts though#'im neutral this is just fascinating' <-really funny in retrospect#*this is also taking so long forever because i keep distracted by whatever the fuck is wrong with everyone that i can't remember how to lik#put things into words#for what is a housewife without a house and no longer a wife?#'sorry guys it's just gonna be a lot of decorating today' YOUUUU. YOU. (<quote from beginning of e5)#ratchelor pad guitar riff is horrid on 2x speed. never do this what i'm doing right now#one of my irls is still in awe of the 6person boogie kill (or rather how nobody noticed fishie preparing the 6person boogie#is it boogey or boogie#does oku falling off a pillar and dying in the middle of fishie lore also count as a fishie proximity death#fishies curse is that people won't stop dying in the death games#also hiiiii fishieeeee you said you enjoyed analaysis. um. this one went a little off the rails i think and is more theory than analysis#posting this and disappearing off the face of the internet. cringe is dead but like. i mean you get it
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if i want to really think about it, the reason i tend to love de-aging fics so much is because it’s about loving someone for who they are at their most honest and most vulnerable, it’s about putting the pieces together on why they are the way they are, and it’s about taking care of someone without the expectation of "getting something" in return. i know a lot of people are uncomfortable with de-aging tropes, which i totally respect, but to me it’s kinda a variation on the "would you still love me if i was a worm?" kind of thinking. would you still love me if i was a burden would you still love me if i had nothing to give you but my presence would you still love me etc. etc. — well-written de-aging fics also do such a good job at imagining what an innocent, less traumatised version of the character would conceivably be like, what aspects of their personality are the result of them hardening over the years and what isn’t. writing kids is hard but writing a de-aged character is even harder, and i consider it a real talent to be able to realistically portray a de-aged character. and then how the other characters react to the de-aged character, what baggage they bring to the situation, how they have to change and adapt and learn about this other version of the character. it’s just that there’s so many layers of unpacking trauma, learning or relearning kindness, for everyone involved, and to me that can’t be anything other than cathartic to the nth degree
#im rereading a child once by tossawary can you tell#although this also applies to another one of my god tier fics away childish things#i think ppl bug about de-aging tropes bc they think of fanfic as being inherently sexual/romantic#but for me it’s always been about processing emotions full stop#romance is a secondary consideration#and in these fics it’s so not the focus or even on the radar until everyone is back to their rightful age#a child once has funny moments where it’s painfully clear that baby shang qinghua is fascinated by mobei#but i think anyone that makes that out to be anything other than a kid having a bit of a crush (which is totally developmentally normal)#is reaching a bit far#anyways i love fics like this they are genuinely so healing xx#fanfic
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what if You wanted to "post on kofi", but Kofi said "log in"
#im. Im Already Logged In. what more do you want from me#i click log in. it tells me im logged in. i click to my page. it tells me to log in#HUH????#i act like this is new! this has been going on! for A While!#but i've just now decided to publicly bitch about because im. well i want to! who am i if not a Complainer!#LET ME POST. MY ART. THERE.#YA LIL FUCKER!#let me innnnn LET ME INNNN#absolutely unprompted#it also Bugged The Fuck Out when i tried to sign in#and it was like 'ouuuuughhhhhh your password is wronnggggg reset it'#ok. Ok. i'll reset it#and then kofi showed me my 'old' password and it was THE EXACT SAME THING I HAD BEEN TYPING IN. TIME AND TIME AGAIN.#who do i have to maim! huh! WHO!#point me at a jugular i can rip out with my teeth!#kofi: this is what you can do. log in or tip yourself#EXCEPT!!! i cant log in. bc im already logged in. but no im not#i ask kofi Am I Logged In and it says 'well yes. but actually no'#you know! this goes right in line with how my life has gone so far! this is very On Brand!#i dont know how i do it#but i manage to fuck things up in new never before seen ways! i genuinely consider it a Skill!
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If Larian takes away the breakup argument before I even get a chance to explain why it’s IC, because the shits can’t handle bad press, I’m going to be very mad.
Heaven forbid the woman with a lot of emotional issues isn’t sunshine and rainbows like people want, and will snap at your character the moment things aren’t going right because she’s projecting on Dark Urge for so many reasons and already has an unhealthy attachment to them right away and so many other reasons. (And YES it’s in character.)
There is no realistic way that we can know what the writers have in mind. People make fun of being able to kiss her after, but who knows it might be just a couples fight we don’t know. None of us work for Larian on this blasted website or know Emma Gregory. And it’s too early to tell in terms of this because they’re literally FINALLY putting in previously inaccessible scenes and it’s a slow process. We might not even have the full picture yet, we don’t know.
#[ 🕷️ ] —— out of character#negativity /#rant /#[ this is a genuine rant I am so tired of seeing the negativity all over in my feeds non-rp related ]#[ it’s not ooc god forbid she’s not a child she’s not an indecisive 20 year old ]#[ but lar*an can’t handle bad press and if they take it away before we can see the full vision im gonna be mad ]#[ there’s literally nothing I can personally do but goddamn I will rage and bitch about it ]#[ IF MY NUANCE IS TAKEN AWAY IM KEEPING THE DAMN ARGUMENT-BREAK UP SNAP ON THIS BLOG ]#[ just be mad about her bugs goddamn ]
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Shino raising his dead friends and friend's dog from the dead with the power of bugs as one friend's cousin watches [not clickbait]
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#bugs ment/#this mini arc is fucking wild actually what the fuck is going on#i am VERY definitely past everything ive seen before. both anime and manga.#which means this is all new. and i dont know whats going on hdskhfks#ino holding hands with shikamaru and choji (and making them hold hands) was really cute tho🥺🥺🥺#for circulating their chakra to keep them alive etc etc anyways those are her BOYS!!!!!! shes working so hard to keep them alive!!!!!!!!!#and then shino using his bugs to circulate the chakra of. two guys and a dog.#i love the focus being placed on him rn bc hes so rarely focused on. but also. it *is* kind of funny#i think it's akamaru. the dog. plus the bugs. hes literally just putting bugs on them so they'll move the chakra around#and doing it in the most Raising The Dead pose possible hflshfks god it's so funny#anyways genuinely why is kabuto going to such lengths to kill these four (plus a dog)#like hes got this whole plot hes committed 4 of his pawns to this. just sucking their souls outta their body bc Huh??#like ok shikamaru is a master tactician. i get him. and neji is a powerful jonin.#and choji is very strong Especially in conjunction with ino and shikamaru#that good old ino-shika-cho combo. you know.#then theres kiba and like kiba's strong but like. not all that special in the army??? like sorry kiba not to be mean#but like hes just a chunin. no special combos or insane intellect to set him apart.#he's a front liner. a good one! but ykno. not all that special in the army. sorry kiba.#the true answer for why these 4 (5 with the dog lol) were brought togegher for this#was for reminiscing about their failed sasuke retrieval arc. by the narrative.#but Also they have those same sound ninja 4 theyre up against. maybe those guys wanted to nab them bc of the grudge#and kabuto was just like 'sure yeah it wouldnt hurt to kill the nara and the hyuga'#actually im just now remembering his ninja info cards. freakish data collection on fucking everyone#and now here he is having grave robbed all over the goddamn place and prepped all the bodies with their weapons and what have you#taking the time to send these reanimated bodies towards their prior loved ones to take advantage of the personal turmoil#bro it's a fucking battlefield what??? how are you sending everyone to such specific people like that.#and then anko's just passed out behind him. she hasnt even been to the village since the pain attack. she is getting shelved SO bad#anyways kabuto's a little freak and i continue to hate him. grave robbing shithead.
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zeno's ultimate pokemiku tierlist ⁉️(it's all his opinion and he loves them all regardless⁉️)
#like arrfgggdiakaktmcksmsama this was literally all for me like they knew what they were doing#i love character design i love pokemon i love miku. and then you put ALL THREE TOGETHER....#i will explain some of my choices here#poison miku is just too good but also i am a big sucker for freaky scientists with constant “worry” eyebrows#her design is just so out there and crazy (this is about the shoes. some understand the greatness of the shoes and some dont. and thats ok.)#every other miku in peak i think establishes their theme exeptionally well especially ghost bug and fighting#for ghost i already love spooky and gloomy looking characters and that miku delivers tenfold (of course shes designed by the GOAT take)#esp with the mix of ghostly and electronic/digital regarding the glitchy parts n the 01 hologram#she looks like shell invade my computer and give it a virus if i dont send the chainmail about her tragic file corruption to 10 friends#(in the best way possible)#for bug miku the big dress is a huge plus but also i just think shes adorable nuff said#for fighting - i love a delinquent character and she fits that really well. the half coat thing is a big highlight for me#also the leek theme is absolutely iconic#for the ones i didnt like as much - i honestly just think the koraidon one is a leeeeetle bit boring#dont get me wrong. it has really cool aspects like the hair and the koraidon like cape but idk#it feels like theres a lot going on but not that much at the same time? its still a really nice design tho esp the hair color#for the ones in yellow tier - i just dont like the color palletes very much . theyre still really nice designs esp fire miku#but all in all these are genuinely all amazing designs and i dont want to be too critical or mean to any of them esp seeing im not a pro#but this was really fun to see unfold!!! cant wait until the songs start dropping#in the topic of miku as well - hey muse dash where's my miku on the switch version....#please dont make us wait too long 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
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chat whaddahell is happening
#*looking at all my mods nervously*#and NO im not stewpid i did update all the mods that had updates and checked the mods folder for any funny business#havent played since patch 7 dropped ive missed all the aftermath of that#this happens when trying to load a save and clicking quit game (i have to force close)#ill figure it out (hopefully) but this is just such a weird bug im like what even did that??#****** *** pissed me off so bad i opened bg3 😭#im not like genuinely angry just salty but what else is new im always mad about something#.txt
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Does anyone else get the cute girly urge to delete your blog after seeing a post 😍
#WOW! I wish I didnt make this damn account#I genuinely feel sick and want to wipe this shit off the face of the goddamn web#It's time for your daily yearn for social isolation#Fucking fuck SEFHBVJHD FHJ#IM SO PISSED#JUST FUCKING WANT TO SCREAM#💣 IS ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT AND I HATE IT#should've listened to him first smh. hes always good at smelling this shit out AND IT SUCKS#<- wow the dichotomy of man!!! Where I go from spam posting to wanting to delete my blog#vent#vent posting#vent post#tw vent#vent tw#the bug speaks
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only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out
im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.
but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.
i want to decompose.
writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.
#tw: abuse#tw: death#tw: suicidality#are people even gonna have that tag blocked? i didnt even know that was a word#tw: suidice#this will hopefully feel a lot better and more freeing that venting to a character aye eye lud#and hopefully i wont have a panic attack from my intense fear of rejection (someone will see this and not even read it all#im already shitting myself about it)#not really. but if one person has something mean to say. i might actually commit#not to put any pressure onto whoever is reading this#if anyone#if you are. i love you. even if i dont know you- right now in this moment i genuinely feel an intense swell of affection#i love you dear reader. probably more than my boyfriend loves me hahahhhh.#doesnt it feel good to feel so intensely. and never have those overwhelming feelings reciprocated?#i want to go to sleep so bad but i have to get up and go clean the living room#mom has started living out there. she sleeps on the couch and the entire room is trashed#like level 2 hoarder. 2020 depression bedroom. typa thing. its genuinely so disgusting.#no matter how clean i keep my room the bugs still come in and live in my furniture#i want to sleep or kill every one of us. im not entirely sure what would feel better#i actually want to kms less now but i dont know if i can post this. i dont think i have the confidence#pressing post before i psych myself out. if i dwell on this anymore i might actually do it.#i also wanna say. im so so SO sorry to whoever might actually see this. im sorry you came into contact with me in any way#and im even more sorry if you felt bad for me or something. im sorry. i dont know why i think writing this was okay.#but whats done is done. and i love you still. and im so sorry.
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I'm not sure if it's too early to mention it...but have any of you heard of Sheezy?
(Not the early 2000s site, but the revival project from 2020-2022)
#Becaaause it's coming back soon~#and yours truly is going to be a moderator on it heehee!#It might be a bit early to mention it because it's still being built/currently in a supporter-only beta while it's being put back together#but if you had an account in the 2020-2022 revival project youll be able to return to your account in a few weeks when the beta opens up to#all returning users!#and then after that registration for the site will open in chunks#For those who don't know! Sheezy is an art community site!#I was on it in 2021-2022 for a few months before it shut down and it was genuinely one of the most pleasant experiences ive had as an onlin#artist#The focus isn't numbers so much as community and discovering new people#and I'm honored to be a part of bringing it back now that the team has a proper foundation and time to dedicate to our little project C:#exli speaks#Im just so excited for it!#It isnt perfect and we're fleshing things out as we go and the website will improve exponentially over time#but AAHH#I might link the subcription page in the comments if people are interested ($3 gets you into the supporter beta while the website is built#and the bugs these supporters discover are fixed for the official launch)#but honestly it might be more exciting to join for the official launch too...
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