#im genuinely shitting myself
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raphie doodles from a rage filled day
(first one is the only kinda /srs one, u can laugh i promise bc if this wasnt me i'd laugh my ass off /pos) i had to project. also i love my friends sorry i yelled at yall xx
just period thingz... surely it has nothing to do with my genuine anger issues. no its just all hormones i promise guys. trust.
its a little pathetic i was genuinely warm inside and inches away from trashing my desk for ZERO FUCKING REASON. WHY?!?! WHAT THE FUCKAEHNGHJSDAGHAH send me to hell im begging
that second panel is something i actually do irl to iben when i need him to stfu so fucking immediately and he has dubbed it "the jojo stare" and its so fucking funny until i need him to stfu so fucking immediately (he drew this one time when i did it at him)
#AS IM POSTING THIS I REALISE THAT THE BACKGROUND IS ALOT DARKER THAN I USUALLY DRAW IN IM SORRY GUYSSSS I HOPE ITS OKAY STILL#ALSO the tales are true i genuinely exhausted (and overstimulated) myself from being mad for no reason#my life is a sitcom#ah shit guys he's on his period again#F#my art#nordidia art#rise of the tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#rise raph#rottmnt raph#period raph is back
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friendly reminder from cheerard👍👍
#im gonna be a lil inactive on tumblr#just for a while#because#every time I come onto here#I feel so much worse all of a sudden#like coming onto tumblr is genuinely making me feel like shit#I’m happy w how well my account is doing and all#I’m just stupid and petty and jealous but I can’t bring myself to unfollow the people on here that are making me feel that way#art#mcr#my chemical romance#fanart#gerard way#mcr gerard#mcr fanart#gerard way fanart#gee way#cheerard
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was watching apocalypse with my brother and once the cerebro scene popped up he was like 'charles has a helmet like erik, only instead of keeping people out, he tries to reach out and connect with others' like guys i need to bash him with a rock
#xmen#xmen apocalypse#xmen movies#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#is this cherik. probably#snap chats#GENUINELY what is his deal#'snap i thought you were watching x2' and i finished it and then my bro came up so i decided to rewatch apocalypse while he was here#hello chat. im aware the people enjoy my brother's quotes so here i am sharing another as it has damaged my brain#GUYS I HATE MY BROTHER WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THIS SHIT BEFORE I CAN THINK IT#so real tho ..... also i may be drunk so maybe im more emotional about this revelation than i should be but still#basic observation im aware but still ... doesnt become less wack when you say it out loud ....#thats so fucked ... i mean 'people' being charles but still ... why would you say that#i still have some of my whiskey left so im gonna pound it and then drink some water and probably cry myself to sleep#or ill doodle a sketch idk. im inspired.#for now good night !!!!!!!!!!!!! all my brother does is accidentally inflict psychic damage upon me#AGAIN you never expect it from your brother but thats what makes it esp whiplash inducing .......
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being loveless does suck sometimes but less bc of some "ohnooo I'll never be able to loooove what will I ever doooo" bs but because how the hell do you tell the ppl around you that you view all relationships as business transactions where the currency is care and support and the reward is trust? How do you tell someone "hey so I could not care less about you as a person but also I enjoy every second we spend together and I'd fight the universe for you if you asked and if you ever disappeared I probably wouldn't miss you but I'd still cry for all the things we never got to experience together" without being the asshole?
#loveless#loveless apl#loveless aplatonic#aplatonic#aplspec#loveless aro#loveless aromantic#so many times i find myself believing im a shitty person#for not being emotionally invested in others#i find it genuinely hard to truly care for other ppl#but it's like i do wanna help and support you!! i do wanna be there for you#and do stupid shit with you!!#id do anything a good friendship requires from me!!#and yet it never feels enough bc the needed emotions aren't behind the acts#not enough that i do it bc i wanna. not enough if it's not out of love#and like how could i blame them for it? how else would they react to#'hey i literally don't care about you. let's hang out anyway'?#(bestie if ur reading this. im sorry...?)#queer stuff
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just finished malevolent relisten. needless to say the obsession has been rekindled tenfold its previous magnitude
#im so fucking isnane about this podcast#ok notable reactions:#john.. Oh my god. It’s so insane to go back and hear how much he’s changed in the way he talks and reasons and treats arthur#i love you john doe malevolent#fav trans allegory ever!!!!!#definitely relate to him a normal amount (liar voice)#and then. S2. I really need to make that animatic with lonesome dreams#godddd i forgot how painful the ep18 divorce was#and then!!!! the canna mentions helping noel escape!!! completely forgot about that part#s3. oh my god. absolute fav season. soooo many crazy moments.#like coda??? “You want him back.” “I want him safe.” You want him baaack.” “I want him back”#KAYNE I FUCKING HATE THAT RAT BASTARD.NEED TO BASH HIS HEAD IN WITH A ROCK BUT HES A FREAK AND HED ENJOY IT SO I CANT#piece od shit#and then 23/24??????? arthur’s happy cry-laugh???? dead#part 25. “I killed myself. For a voice in my head. Do you know how mad that sounds?” what if IIII killed myself#26. god. Then 27. And 28. Literally my fav season ever#followed closely by s4#ohhhh my god i forgot how hot the butcher is like genuinely#i completely forgot prelude somehow???? giggling kicking my feet twirling my hair the whole time#i need to be this homicidal gay irishman hes so hot oh my god#the 29 divorce. with the movie lmaoo#i need to draw them going on a night out and seeing a movie and getting dinner and drinks and dancing and (gets shot)#gooddddd i remember listening to 31 for the first time and being so fucking confused#PART 33. HIT ME RIGHT IN THE EMOTIONS. OH MY GOD. BELLA SALTZMAN I COULD’VE TREATED YOU SO MUCH BETTER#34….. i can’t speak about 34 without barking and howling like a rabid dog#dog. Is that a butcher refere(gets shot for the third time)#NOELLLLLL MY DARLING WIFE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH#this has just inspired me to keep writing hofth with ella tbh#lowkey don’t even get the obsession with oscar tho i can’t be talking#to each their own or whatever
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i just got back from my first ever gynecological exam and somehow, despite the doctor being really nice and way more knowledgeable about trans bodies than i was expecting, it still ended up being incredibly upsetting and honestly probably mildly traumatizing. i’m sure it’s no secret to anyone following me that going to the gynecologist is a uniquely shitty experience for a lot of trans guys and i knew that but i really was not prepared for that.
first of all, everything you read says that the pelvic exam and pap smear shouldn’t hurt even if they’re super uncomfortable, but let me tell you, that shit fucking hurt. like, i have a pretty high pain tolerance and usually even when something does hurt i don’t show it very much, but that was maybe the most painful thing i’ve ever had a doctor do to me and it showed. to be fair, i’ve never had good luck with things like that — i couldn’t even use tampons back when i had a period because the one time i did, taking it out was really painful — and i’m on t now so i’m sure that makes things even harder and i was prepared for it to hurt, but i really wasn’t ready for just bad it was. it’s been an hour since the exam finished and there’s still some pain so, yeah, so much for “it’s just uncomfortable, not painful”.
(and a side note: when it did hurt, the doctor told me to relax my muscles because the tension makes it hurt more. what they didn’t seem to realize is that if your brain and body are collectively rejecting the presence of something inside you, making those muscles relax is a fucking herculean task and i for one was not in any way capable of it so it just…kept getting more painful.)
i also was never informed ahead of time of what a pelvic exam actually entails; i had assumed it was a more general external checkup, and that the pap smear was the only really invasive part. as it turns out, i was very wrong, and “pelvic exam” actually means the doctor sticks their finger up you to feel around. she asked me if i was comfortable getting the exam because it was so obvious that the pap smear didn’t go well, but i had no clue what i was saying yes to and it was a total surprise for me when there was something inside me again. and she knew it was my first time, so she had no reason to assume i knew that the exam would be like. by the time i realized i absolutely should not have said yes to it, i was too late and it was already happening. it really feels like common sense that if you’re going to be giving someone what basically amounts to a professional fingering, you should probably make it clear that that’s what’s about to happen, but i guess that doctor would disagree.
and of course, the whole time i was also being misgendered. the doctor used the right name for me, but the other staff didn’t and everything about it was so excessively gendered (i’m pretty sure the appointment i had was literally called a “women’s wellness visit” on the same sheet that had trans man and nonbinary as gender options). not to mention, when i told them i’m getting top surgery and have the exact date set, the nurse made a comment to like“well aren’t you one of the lucky ones,” which really felt like it had “i think trans guys have a super easy time getting surgeries that cis women have to fight for” energy.
and the irony of all this definitely isn’t lost on me — i just did a project this past semester about how trans guys are fucked over by reproductive healthcare practices so a lot of us just never go, and now i got some firsthand experience in exactly why so many of us just say “no fucking way”.
i just want to put this out there for anyone who hasn’t done it before because i think this would have been a lot less awful for me if someone had just told me “yeah, it might hurt way more than you think, and also that thing they call a pelvic exam is actually an internal exam.” i thought i was prepared and i totally wasn’t, so hopefully this will reach someone else who will be better off knowing all of this.
#if there are typos in this no there arent. im so out of it rn you cant hold me responsible for that shit#filing today in the ‘pretend it didnt happen at all costs until i see my therapist’ folder bc uh. fucking hell#it feels silly to say this about a doctors appointment but that might genuinely fuck me up long term#like ik these are important visits but. i do not know if i’ll be able to make myself go again after that#transandrophobia#transandromisia#transmisandry#virilmisia#virilphobia#anti transmasculinity#transmascphobia#trans men#transmascs
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#not art (yet!!!!)#preddy good kristen I got goin on in this piece#for some reason my brain isnt letting me do this one. been stalling on it for a good few days. but I intend to break thru it#I need to put this on paper at least once#(its space sweepers. I think it would be funny if the kids are in that universe too but theyre just like off to the side doing their own#thing pretty much unrelated to the main plot. theyre delivery people. theyre all still teens. they get up to shenanigans and then#one day they look up like huh the guy who founded eden fucking died?? when#kristen specifically I got a decent amount hashed out in my brain somehow. she's like an engineered messiah with a grafted engine#along her upper body skeleton that'd let her spontaneously rearrange objects on a molecular level#so she can theoretically knit wounds or cure diseases by thinking abt it very hard#sadly the engine of course takes enormous amount of energy to power. so most of the time in practice she just#has a half-metal skeleton that doesn't do anything. so she's buff as shit on the upper side and one of her punches can break your neck#but her mobility is limited and she sprains her ankles like every other week. her shins have broken like a few times#I genuinely love the way her shoes n braces look in this one its very fun#there are a lot of choices I made in this one that are so fun and also just like. a result of putting them in space sweepers#and thinking to myself here and there hey this would be cool if it harkens back to their canon designs#not riz tho other than being human he is fully exactly like how he looks in canon. hes just like that#hes the navigator and he charts their courses by hand with a school calculator#(also technically their legal counselor since he's sorta responsible for not putting them in traffic control's hands)#drawing this does make me realise a lot of these dynamics are really fun lol. idk if Im gonna ever do anything like proper for this but#at the very least if I draw this the idea will be out there)
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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PARADOXCICLE CHAPTER 22 SPOILERS UNDER CUT !!
An extra Robert and mr cycle drawing for the soul 🙏
Genuinely a bit obsessed with these two, please does anyone else understand 😭 i need them to sit in a grassy field together and vent each others traumas, i think theyd benefit from that.
Btw, (paradoxcicle by @blipple-is-confused) the author of the fic always reblogs my art and says nice things about it and im always too awkward to reblog and thank them, so ill just say now, thank you :] your fic is awsome! i know how cool the feeling is whenever people draw fanart of your story, so i will NEVER stop drawing fanart as long as this fic keeps going, because it DESERVES THE HYPE!!!
Side note mr cycle and robert deserve the world.
thank you for coming to my ted talk
#paradoxcicle fanart#paradoxcicle#paradoxcicle mr cycle#paradoxcicle robert slimecicle chen#okay but on a real note im like genuinely hesitant to even mention mr ccyle and robert because i think ive started latching onto them in a#“hyperfixatin so much that they become theyre own characters” kind of way#like i will write them going off on their own on a bonding adventure and it will super cringefail but ill be happy (delusional)#i giggle to myself everytime they interact and i think about the kind of angst they could have#i dont think im okay guys#why did i have to latch onto those two for some reason#anyways great fanfic awsome plot!! (genuinely the plot and writing is immaculate holy shit)#paradoxcicle charlie#paradoxccile ranboo#mcyt fanfiction#mcyt#slimecicle#slimecicle fanfiction#slimecicle fanart
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various goichis from my sketchbook! finally scanned :3 <3
i did just invent au reasons in my head to draw them in pretty traditional clothing for a page yes
this is my toku sideblog, but i have a dedicated art sideblog @magentameows, if you like my art! :3
#art by me#kamen rider kuuga#kr kuuga#kamen rider#ah.... name variations. exploding myself.#ichijou kaoru#ichijo kaoru#godai yusuke#godai yuusuke#kaoru ichijou#yuusuke godai#goichi#51#<- is aware that's a useless ship tag for searching#mine#ive been big on my sketchbook again recently.. i like pen and my fancy markers and covring shit up with more paper and glue if i mess up lo#i always find proportions tirkcy with traditional cus im a chronic resizer digitally#but i like most other thigns digitally more so..#also shhh the traditional clothing stuff is like. for a genuine au i have that lives in my brain#but if i Do write it. it will be a while.. i've got a diff writing wip im working on for now for the forseeable future#kuugaposting
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u can have this one too the file name is "oh theyre DOOMED"
Murder! Sans belongs to ask-dusttale Fell! Sans belongs to Fella/Vic Alien Stage belongs to VIVINOS
#im genuinely graaaah#why why why why did i do this to myself#anyway might doooo all-in redraws nxt time because i#i genuinely CANNOT get myself to draw the kiss scene#murder sans#dust sans#fell sans#dustard#sanscest#sanses stage au#utmv#sans au#like genuinely i might go insane if i draw that#sid art#<- shit i think i forgot that sorting tag in the last post
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i know i am not at all a big creator i'm just some guy with some internet access and an account and friends but even then all of this, fandom, internet fun, its all become so incredibly insufferable to be in? the only reason i made a tumblr was so i could post my art online and maybe get some validation and silly for it, and because there were strangers on the internet who would share the same opinions as me and we could interact via shared interests and love for content we both enjoy but never actually ever know each other personally and as someone whos been in the undertale fandom since i was like. a genuine child, how did fandom culture go from fun and joyous to genuinely exhausting and like walking through a landmine? i understand trying to weed out all the genuinely shitty people, but like, atleast on my side with my friends, and of course one of the bigger online presences in them being kia, why is it so unimaginable that people are friends with eachother outside of fandom discourse that doesnt hold a single candle to anything in real life? i'll tell you this much; whatever shit my friends like to draw doesn't do anything to me in the real world all of this "blocklist" shit (which, by the way, never has to be made public, if you really want a blocklist make it in private or dm people if they want it), is so dangerous and it's absolutely insane and incredible to me that nobody in the rabid anti spaces can see it as a genuine danger that has real world consequences until things don't exactly go "the way they wanted" why are you airing out, generally average and pretty fucking normal, people and artists around on a list expecting whoever's on the internet to see it and have an ounce of etiquette? and, actually, why are you even willing to put out public lists in the first place? does it not fill you with regret? i fucking hate dreammare as a ship and i dont like the shit that people would consider proship, if anything i'm pretty normal, i just dont give a fuck about what people do in their own little spaces because i can choose not to go in there. so why are you choosing to put me out on a list as if i personally hurt you? like i drew incest brothers and sisters kissing with nsfw written all over it or some shit? brother the only social media that i post publicly on for the world to see is this one!! tldr please leave me the fuck alone and have some idk, sympathy? i dont look on tumblr much, i'm busy you know, living on my own barely a year after turning 18, its not very fun running the risk of harassment, and knowing that people are stalking you and your friendgroup constantly over shit that doesn't fucking matter to you
#beef meister#this was kind of all over the place#im just fucking tired??? i dont know dude#its like people see “oh god someone doesnt want to be apart of exhausting hateful discourse!! they obviously ship incest!!!”#have you ever considered that maybe someone just doesnt like hate#or hating others#i dont care about what people think of me and i dont think anyone cares about what i think of them unless i know them personally#i only follow people on tumblr for their artwork and content because it caters to my interests#shocking announcement that someone doesnt let internet drama run their life and how they view their relationships with others#its also annoying#considering the fact most of the people doing dumb shit like this are younger than me#but at their age i still had half the fucking brain to you know#be a decent human being#i genuinely cannot understand nor fathom how you have the energy to hold so much hate for people you will never meet irl#i dont even have the energy to hate my abusers bro what fent are you all taking#rant over i guess#leave me out of your stupid fucking chronically online drama that i literally dont care about!!!!! i use tumblr to bring myself joy#so leave me out!!!!!!!!!!!! dont fucking talk about me regarding that shit nor ask me about it i dont FUCKING CARE!!!!!!!!!
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Please let me pretend this is real, just for a little while longer
#vent piece#if i look at this any longer I'll hate it so ugh#i want to be held and comforted in a way that doesn't exist#i want things to be different but it's not possible#im genuinely scared for my family and for myself and upset that i am the eldest and responsible for fixing shit#shorby#the ninja draws#grillby
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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bros ur never gonna believe this but guess who just got a 999 on her health assessment HESI examination today 😎✨
#it’s scored out of 1000 btw. in case u even care /jjjjj#im genuinely dumbstruck over this like how the fuck did i do that well#but ill take the w for what its worth and pat myself on the back even though i didn’t study for shit#also this isn’t like. a huge deal or anything bc it’s just a practice exam to predict the final score i’ll get on the nclex#but. im proud anyway??????? and confused as hell????
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area man somehow stumbles into the mianite fandom, does a triple front flip, accidentally introduces 2,000 people to the series, sticks the landing, and is basically singlehandedly responsible for a miniature fandom revival in the year of our lord 2024, illustrated
#ray's tag#undescribed#keys' art#mcyt#mianite#i uh. genuinely dont know how to bring this up so i just wrote a comic about it.#we are not good at this. thank you everybody for being normal about the fact that we just walked in here and did All This Shit#in our defense we greatly underestimated the power of autism#so uh. tldr. sorry. i think?#you guys are neat and its an honor to be here with such cool people. awkward thumbs up. ye 👍#im gonna. go take a shower now bye#god i hope this isnt too self centric. genuinely i hate talking about myself so much#but its kind of impossible to avoid when you're discussing [waves hand vaguely] All This
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