theintovertedextovert

[theintovertedextovert]

THE DADDY IN THE ROOM

I've Just finished watching Al Jazeera Witness on the progress of the victims of Spain's dictator Franco. Not easy watching it, lots of emotional stress and the history we never really know until we research.

One thing that stood out was the way many of the victims would cry for their fathers. Not saying mum's are not important, but we rarely see people cry for their dads. In this case it was I'd say, new to me.

A daughter crying for her father who was either killed or could not be buried with his wife.

Yes I'm building up to the story.

It reminds me of this doctor on Twitter, who talks about men being the prize and what not. Most especially his tweet on not dating/marrying women with "Daddy Issues".

A few years ago, I'd be livid, calling him names and sneeering. But now as a matured adult, you realize, help only succeeds when both parties are willing to participate. The one offering the help and the other accepting the help.

It's easy to call out women with Daddy Issues, but healing also includes these men also coming back to their lives, taking responsibility and actually making a positive change.

Reminds me of Bones on the show Bones, who built a relationship with her father after years of being away, or Barney (How I met your mother) with his Father.

Unfortunately, today's world doesn't allow that, and forces you to accept apologies you'll never received. Forgiving people who refuse to admit their wrong.

Adulthood does that.

You do things to heal your soul, whether or not it feels right to the society.

Do you ever look at your significant other and think "My kids are going to have a great dad".

If not, is it something you think your love will say about you?

This week, today, we remember our grandfather.

Happy Anniversary, Happy Father's Day Sir JKM.

[theintovertedextovert]

THE MAN, THE KING AND THE SIMP

Greetings my loves.

How are you?

Im enjoying my Saturday evening in a blissful way, good view 📷, lovely cool weather, perfect for the weekend.

Will be heading home in a few, but since I have a second, here we go.

I was scrolling through the "hindanet" and it being a Saturday I came across this guy, giving, some toxic advise to our physically stronger gender. It made my evening because some of the advice is just hilarious.

Now I've been learning a lot about life from my elders and it's been pretty solid advice especially on how to conduct yourself as a human and to others. One of the advice included not telling your wife when you're coming home because you're the man and your guarding your frame.

I am seriously enjoying this.

Now it's not the first time he's mentioned and I was pretty curious to hear our elders thoughts on this. Now to cut the long story short, they found this to be horrible advise, as they learnt greatly from this. They also come from a generation of "I'm the man" kind of mentality, but what they realized later on in life is that they lost in the long run. For one, their relationships with their wives was so cold that their wives at some point could not even speak to them for fear of being ridiculed. One even mentioned how he only realized this when he chased his wife away for speaking to other men. He married 4 other women just to prove a point to his ex wife and her new husband, but it was only until he saw just how great and treated the husban that he realized, he was the one on the wrong.

Now, we hear tones of times that, it's a man's thing to do what he wants, sleep with as many women and come home when he likes. But we also forget, women give you twice what you give them.

Now, to each his own, but I personally wouldn't want to stay up late, waiting for someone who may or may not come home. I wouldn't want to share a bed with one who comes home demanding rice when I took time to make Ugali. It's 3am. I'm sorry, but I'm not doing that.

Now of course this comes as a shock to them, but I've seen men who are considered "simps" being given the world by their ladies and "I am the man" men raising other men's kids.

My foods here! Man I love eating.

There's this show "Mpali" I think it's Zambian (inside joke) where this "I'm a man" kind of guy marries 6 women in a bid to show other men how to control women. It's hilarious because despite the women fighting each other, each is spending time with the men they love behind their husbands back. It's even more hilarious because whatever that online guy teaches, this Mpali man does to the tea.

The last episode, one of the wives was even bold enough to tell him that he did not know how to give her a waterfall.

I spit my drink at that point 📷📷📷.

Two sided sentences huh 📷📷.

I'm so thankful for the internet📷📷📷.

He even states he will not apologize to his wives because...you guessed it, he's the man.

Now this is not a debate, because to each his own and it's a free world, but what I've come to learn is that, what goes on, on the internet and real life, completely different.

Treat people how you want to be treated, apologize. It neutralises situations, respect, just as you'd want to be respected and always remember to be kind.

Don't ask for change where you can't give it.

Also, what are your thoughts on Submission? No I mean the other one. Calm down 📷.

Smooth jazz is playing. (Fantasizing about slow dances right now). I'll end the blog here.

Ps; What's your favourite date night restaurant?

Kisses

Introverted Extrovert

[theintovertedextovert]

THE MAN, THE KING AND THE SIMP

Greetings my loves.

How are you?

Im enjoying my Saturday evening in a blissful way, good view 📷, lovely cool weather, perfect for the weekend.

Will be heading home in a few, but since I have a second, here we go.

I was scrolling through the "hindanet" and it being a Saturday I came across this guy, giving, some toxic advise to our physically stronger gender. It made my evening because some of the advice is just hilarious.

Now I've been learning a lot about life from my elders and it's been pretty solid advice especially on how to conduct yourself as a human and to others. One of the advice included not telling your wife when you're coming home because you're the man and your guarding your frame.

I am seriously enjoying this.

Now it's not the first time he's mentioned and I was pretty curious to hear our elders thoughts on this. Now to cut the long story short, they found this to be horrible advise, as they learnt greatly from this. They also come from a generation of "I'm the man" kind of mentality, but what they realized later on in life is that they lost in the long run. For one, their relationships with their wives was so cold that their wives at some point could not even speak to them for fear of being ridiculed. One even mentioned how he only realized this when he chased his wife away for speaking to other men. He married 4 other women just to prove a point to his ex wife and her new husband, but it was only until he saw just how great and treated the husban that he realized, he was the one on the wrong.

Now, we hear tones of times that, it's a man's thing to do what he wants, sleep with as many women and come home when he likes. But we also forget, women give you twice what you give them.

Now, to each his own, but I personally wouldn't want to stay up late, waiting for someone who may or may not come home. I wouldn't want to share a bed with one who comes home demanding rice when I took time to make Ugali. It's 3am. I'm sorry, but I'm not doing that.

Now of course this comes as a shock to them, but I've seen men who are considered "simps" being given the world by their ladies and "I am the man" men raising other men's kids.

My foods here! Man I love eating.

There's this show "Mpali" I think it's Zambian (inside joke) where this "I'm a man" kind of guy marries 6 women in a bid to show other men how to control women. It's hilarious because despite the women fighting each other, each is spending time with the men they love behind their husbands back. It's even more hilarious because whatever that online guy teaches, this Mpali man does to the tea.

The last episode, one of the wives was even bold enough to tell him that he did not know how to give her a waterfall.

I spit my drink at that point 📷📷📷.

Two sided sentences huh 📷📷.

I'm so thankful for the internet📷📷📷.

He even states he will not apologize to his wives because...you guessed it, he's the man.

Now this is not a debate, because to each his own and it's a free world, but what I've come to learn is that, what goes on, on the internet and real life, completely different.

Treat people how you want to be treated, apologize. It neutralises situations, respect, just as you'd want to be respected and always remember to be kind.

Don't ask for change where you can't give it.

Also, what are your thoughts on Submission? No I mean the other one. Calm down 📷.

Smooth jazz is playing. (Fantasizing about slow dances right now). I'll end the blog here.

Ps; What's your favourite date night restaurant?

Kisses

Introverted Extrovert

[theintovertedextovert]

THE KINGDOM

Greetings!

How has it been? I'm learning how to keep up with this blogging thig, at the same time trying to handle twitter, Instagram and learning how YouTube works.

Its been an awesome week of rain, cool and fresh weather, rain jazz and hot cocoa. I took a break from work as it was getting Traumatizing and i have not been dealing with that well. Tough 9 months but so far so good.

The Kingdom?

Oh right.

I am a big Afri-wood consumer [not sure if that's the word, but still] and today's movie reminded me of a debate i observed a few days ago.

Okay so this movie, this lady falls in love with this man who she didn't know was a prince. The guy introduces his fiancee to the family, to which of course goes downhill as she is from a different kingdom.

He is given a choice though. For his fiancee to be accepted, she has to work as a palace maid for 3 months and under the Queen's authority. After a painful consideration, the couple decides to undergo the test. Of course it didn't work out as the Queen keeps mistreating the Fiancee [including making her kneel like a prisoner] to which her son the price always comes to the rescue of his soon to be wife.

So now the question was;

To the men; would you let your wife to be undergo this

To the Ladies; Would you undergo this for your soon to be husband.

Pretty good question honestly, because this is a choice between love and family.

Like someone once told me, ; Everybody lo[o]ses when the family feuds.

I do think the quote comes from Jay Z but I could be wrong.

Okay, so lets break this down.

Now its not fair to make a person go through inhumane treatment jst to prove that she is worthy of your son/daughter. In this case son. Majorly because, if they were worth it, then there's no need to do this. It is as humane as it is stupid. This especially with the scene where the Queen made the wife to be stay locked up without food and water fo two days, for having hugged her fiancee without the Queen's permission.

This is really tricky as you have your fiance protecting you as the man of the house, but at the same time, you become the center of a family feud. This again, if the son is a millenial who does not believe in such traditions and supports basic human rights.

However, as women would say, there's a flip side.

This again from another movie. [Man I've been watching a lot of these movies]

The flip side being, sometimes, you may have to kiss ass in order to get what you want. Now I know this is something you may want to hear, but we need to look at the end game and not now. In the 2nd movie, the said lady kissed ass uptil she was accepted by the family in order to get justice for her kingdom. Now of course again, the man was torn as he had to make the choice between his faily [wife and son] and his birth family [parents and siblings]. It ended perfectly or horribly as the man chose his family [wife and son] as he belived in justice.

Catch 22 Situation huh.

Whats my take?

I still can't answer.

Now it is true there's some things I cannot do in the name of love, as sometimes you need to also protect yourself, however in this case, if it was for a greater good, I would probably consider it.

I'm no feminist, I don't mind kneeling for my husband to serve and to eat but it does not mean that my kindness should be taken advantage of.

Okay then,

Let me go about my business.

I got business to take care of.

Zip it up and Zip it out.

[theintovertedextovert]

NO PUN IN10DID

Tumblr; Go ahead and put anything!

Me; Anything?

Hello fellow Audience? How are you?

I've missed you so much. How's the new year been.

By the way, I am geering up for the verzuz in 9 days.

Guess who's coming?

SWV and Xscape.

We thus start with "Tell me why love is the way it is".

Damn I miss high school. I remember having a whole script written on this song together with "Weak" by SWV with "Who can I run to" by Xscape. Ironically, the next couple of times i listened to the song was when we as classmates were saying goodbye to one of us.

Here I am. Getting sentimental.

Love is truly amazing.

Speaking of love, have you also noticed the number of ladies going to the gym these days?

I mean, I'm just saying, we've been noticing the change and I'm here for it.

We know, once a woman cuts her hair, colours it or changes here wardrobe....

We'll just leave it at that. Side note, what the hell is a "keto diet". I come from a tribe that lives to eat. Not the other way around.

But i see its healthy...for you. I'm comfortable with what i eat. Benn quite obsessed with grocery shopping videos too.

Man I'm officially an adult.

In one of our online chats, topic being shooting shots and what not, one guy tried his luck with me.

Let me just say,

He gets an A* FOR EFFORT because boooooy!

Okay the shot was in Kiswahili so ill translate.

Any who, conversation is all cool, funny and normal, guy suddenly goes like;

"Are you a nyahunyo because I want to give you these strokes"

Nyahunyo is whip. That's actually Gikuyu and not Kiswahili.

Point noted.

Noticed the reference to Hawaii 5-O?

Needless to say, I was impressed by that pick up line.

Okay I see you.

Would have worked though if he was dark skin. Yes everyone has a choice and i love dark...dark guys. Like Daniel Kaluuya kind of guy. You know African.

Okay I'm done and lost now.

I think I'll call it off now.

Food calls and I need to eat.

Thank you so much for reading!

[theintovertedextovert]

Hello my good people!

Today we take a break from the sad realities of today and move to more... Well funny, cringe worthy... Sadder realities

😂😂😂😂

Right.

I'm at work Watching this dating show. It's centered around persons being blindfolded and talking to each other so that,you, know, you fall in love with the character.

And oh my fuck's.

What is going on here!

First lady comes up, beautiful 27 Year old.

Opens her mouth and poof!

Understand why she's single.

Guy, we later found out, is 22.

Crickets.

Anyways, the guy's a cool dude, too mature for his age and seems like a focused lad.

Anywho The conversation goes south from the start because her goals... Going by her questions are simple.

Dark. Tall. Rich guy.

The usual.

She proceeds to give the guy her qualities, that she'll look good, not cook and party all night, hoping he'll pick her.

Now no offence, because we're all wild (esp us quiet ones) but whew!

The Ghetto!

I'm lost what was I saying?

Anywho, I was utterly disappointed as she tried her "level best" to show that she can make a good wife for him.

While the guy.. Seeming insecure, accepted her only if she stood by his rules ie

No heels, no make up etc.

Sigh.

I know I know.

As a girl who's been taught all those things, we go to the extreme to please our men. Yes I'm a firm believer of washing him😉😉😉 and submition.

A traditionalist to some extent, whereby his role is to take care of us. Like the 1+1=2 equation.

He goes into the wild to hunt, he comes home and I feed him.

Or he feeds himself.

Whichever works😉😉😉😉

But my oh my, may we at least try to also be worth it?

I hear lots of "There's no good women"

"Good men are hard to find"

Maybe we look at ourselves first?

I'll leave you with this deep question,

"Are you, your type?"

[theintovertedextovert]

Children’s Teddy Bears

It is one tough year i tell you.

For them.

Protests everywhere. Takes a toll on you huh.

But no worries. No political talk here.

Just a blog.

Song? Nights over Egypt by Jones Girls.

I’ve been avoiding this particular blog but seems it won’t stop bugging me.

Not that its a bad thing, its just my blogs have now turned into sort of a psychiatrist note book.

Today’s episode is on well...you know, stepping out.

“With my baby, stepping out,,,”

Sorry. we talked about the male side, today we talk about the feminine side.

now, we have always been told that when your partner steps out, leave. No second chances. Sounds easy right?

No its not. And especially for the woman.

“Here we go again with the women empowerment.”

Not quite sir,

See for men, its a bit easier. He’ll leave and find someone else. But for a woman, whatever choice you make it’ll always be your fault.

I have experienced this a few times in my life and even though they say time heals, it feels even worse when things change.

Picture you finding out that your husband cheated because he felt that you’d get better opportunities in life and felt insecure that you’d leave him. Or that once you travelled and loved the other country, he felt so uneasy that he thought you won’t want to come home.

The above scenarios being the reason he stepped out.

Now why do we say at the end of the day its still the woman’s fault?

How do you move past this, once you decide to work things out?

1. Your love for the other state led him to step out. Which means that should you want to move on, you have only two choices. Either you never travel or in case you do, you have to hate that state to save your marriage.

If this does not work out, then its your fault.

2. You are not allowed to fully be yourself.

Whenever one fights out that their partner steps out, you always want to take a step back in order to cry, breath and help you clear your mind to make the decision. Now as a woman, you’re not allowed that. If you take time off, you give him room to step out. If you take him in right away your insecurities take over you, which will push him away.

Either way, ts your fault the relationship crumbles.

3. It is the duty of the walker to work hard to gain the other person’s trust.

Now of course this is not easy because the woman’s self esteem has already been damaged and will always question her presence in your life, her features and what not. Now because men love confident women and your not, it means that the relationship is in trouble. Should you keep asking questions because of the trust issues caused by your partner, it’ll push them away and they might eventually...well...you know.

Either way, if the relationship fails, its your fault.

Worst part is? You cannot express yourself fully, otherwise you risk an “...ugh...this again?”

Either way....

Exactly.

Have a lovely week ahead.

Stay safe.

Happy October.

[theintovertedextovert]

It is during these quiet moments that you get to write a lot. Express your thoughts, emotions and maybe solutions.

I find myself to be a sappy writer.

Depression. Anxiety and all.

But here we are. Again.

I’ve been a bit angry lately. Not that i never get angry. Its just that this time, well. This time.

My family has gone out to look for food...no not in that way. Just gone out to purchase food. And the African in me is half sad, half because with the other part I’m angry, low and sad.

Why?

Because as a first born, I have secretly stood up for myself by saying, “I’ll try borrow money for food”, despite having my savings. I know. Cruel. Selfish. Esp because of my Prayer week.

But it is warranted.

It’s not the first time I have talked black tax. Heck, there’s even a show on it. But why oh why is this still going on?

I’ll tell you. Because as a first born, I’m not allowed to speak up.

It’s saddening really, whenever there’s a problem in the house, you’re tHe problem solver. Always. you don’t get time to breath.

There’s no electricity. It’s 7pm, are you going to sort out food? I want to go out tomorrow, i need fare.

But when you try save stuff for yourself? “Why are you hiding money?”

It is especially tough for me when my love gets me some clothes. I am unable to go hoe with them because everyone will wear them before you do. When you try to maintain boundaries, you’re being selfish.

It even worse because I’ve been praying for favour. Yet here I am being selfish.

I don’t think I’ll understand you know.

We hear stories of people who are living a good life in the city and their folks are languishing in poverty at home. We call them rude, selfish and detached. Not all of them are, actually.

Some are running away from home. To them this is freedom.

We have heard of in-laws being angry at the spouse, because they are “eating our money”, but be the first one to call out other people’s mistakes.

They ask you to get a job to take care of them, not that its a bad thing, but because you are not allowed to live your life. Should you decide to start a family, they’ll want to move in, when your spouse says no, they become the villain.

What about right now, looking for a job, getting rejected. trying to provide Civic Education and no one shows up.

Talking about Mental Health while you’re dealing with your struggle.

Takes me back to the days, a few years ago when i was so low, i was ready to call it quits.

The gas lighting moments, guilt- tripping and what not.

I honestly feel horrible writing this.

Yes. It’s that way. I’m so sorry. 

Black Tax. Life Tax.

[theintovertedextovert]

Back at 1

Hello Hello Hello.

Long time no text huh. Yup. 4am puns.

4am.

How have you been young self. Been a while.

I thought i’d be coming back with good news, more puns, something of the sort.

Writing is therapeutic so i trust i’ll be able to sleep after this.

We’ve gone back to our dark room, where we thought we’d never return. Its been a few hours since i came across some horrible news. Stumbled is the word. Due to my caring nature.

Who knew catering to one would bring such blinding news.

You know for those few seconds, my world turned dark. Cold. Quiet. Soo quiet.

Then the questions started.

For how long has this been going on? Were they honest? Did they say everything?

I’m so numb. So low, Too low to shed any tears.

I cannot look them in the eye as I am too hurt, too humiliated.

It has taken me back to that previous day. Where i hoped my next would not put me through this.

But they did. And now I am back in this whole.

Will it be like last time? Will they up and leave? Will I shut them down? Will they hear my silent cry?

72 hours my mind tells me. 72 hours, you’ll know if you mean something to them.

And then?

Will they fight for me? For us? Will they end things? Will they choose me?

Are they trustworthy?

Worthy.

Was i worthy? Will I ever be?

i guess, maybe.

Good morning, love.

[theintovertedextovert]

HAPPY ROPES

Good afternoon, Good Evening or Happy Night.

Greetings from Wherever you are.

Today, a day that's remembered only because either it's trending, a reminder from google calender or because friends talk about it.

Today however is for the days we don't trend. The days the calender is silent. The days when it's dark and quiet.

I love how everyone says, it's all In your mind. Speak up. We love you And stuff like that. Like it's a cough that'll go away when you take cough syrup.

It's not easy.

We try, we've come a long way.

I've come a long way.

I am quiet, because we are treated as outsiders. I cut myself because physical pain is more bearable than the cruel voices in my mind. I stay intoxicated because at least, I won't see people laugh at me.

"Men should speak up!" they say. But are told to man up, when they cry. Are called drunk and useless when they try to silence the voices. Are called weak, when they seek help.

"You must be a Doctor!"

"But you are a successful woman. Just cry it, out!". They say. But speak ill when you look for help. Mean, when you put your mental health first and selfish when you try to heal before married life. Old when you are not yet ready to give birth.

"You must be a Lawyer!"

"You are rich, why won't you take care of me!"

"Take a loan for your wedding!"

"We want your wealth!"

Pressure everywhere. To live other people's lives. To fulfilling other people's dreams.

I don't want to do it, but it seems it's the only way out. To silence the horrible noises. The pressure, The judgement, The resentment.

You want to cry, but there's no tears.

Sadness without the sad factor.

Peace in loneliness.

Self care.

We try. We do.

That's why we try our best to help people like is, because unlike the rest, we would do anything to prevent one of us from falling down the pit.

On a day we are supposed to talk about Preventing Suicide, it, seems more probable.

Happy World Suicide Prevention Day

[theintovertedextovert]

WEALTHY MAN

I’m Afraid of Wealth.

Of everything that comes with leaving the Rat race in this beautiful, toxic African Society. Heck, I’m Scared of getting just a little cash that’ll afford me a new pair of shoes.

Why?

Because the moment society notices, life becomes unbearable.

How many times have you saved up enough cash only for a problem to show up? The chicken need feed, your cousin is sick, your neighbor’s kids need fees etc. etc. How many times do you or have you evaded the “How much money do you make?” question.

Growing up, I always hated and despised rich people. Rich family members, neigh ours or folk in the society. I never understood why they refused to share a piece of all the wealth they had or why suddenly they stopped coming to family functions. I wondered why it was hard to have a sit down with them or engage in any business with them.

I started making my own money.

Your thoughts change. You assess everything. You start thinking about what good it’ll bring the society, the cash flow, and the profits and if it’ll benefit you in long term. Suddenly, going out and binge drinking is a waste of time, those T-Shirts with a logo or those expensive shoes  don’t look as cool as they did . It becomes more of; I want to learn about Agri-business, how will the new Tax laws affect this? Oh okay Bilateral relations with this country means I can walk in without Visa, I can actually grow potted plants and save up on food. Charity work actually makes me happy.

Sorry I digressed.

Yes, why I’m afraid of being wealthy.

Because society will always want a piece of it. Countless of times have we fought with our own close family about the Shillings you saved up to invest over buying shoes for your brother or how they wait to claim your Inheritance when that time comes. How relatives you’ve never seen show up at your dowry to receive your “we brought her up gifts”, oh forbid how you try and say it is wrong.  How all of a sudden you’re the guest of honor in any Contribution Event such as Wedding Committees, because you are a manager, suddenly pressure builds to live like a CEO and Treat your family to expensive ‘free gifts’” because you can. Or how, you’re making stupid decisions attending seminars, buying financial newspapers and cutting [unnecessary] costs.

Or even worse, if you share rooms, hide the little things you buy/invest in yourself.

You realize that the more you try to free yourself and get out of the rat race, the Toxic your family becomes.

But you’re not ready to discuss that are you?

And slowly by slowly you drift away from family and become,

The rich Relatives you once despised.

I’m Scared of being Wealthy.

[theintovertedextovert]

SOUL SUNDAY

Do you believe in music taking you places? Like you listen to a particular song and its like you’re physically removed from this world and taken to another?

Deeper than Nostalgia?

Greetings from the bedroom this lovely Sunday,

either good morning, afternoon, evening or night like here.

Today’s song and Inspiration? Dumebi by Rema.

I’ve been listening to a lot of West African songs lately. Why? they give me the feeling of Nostalgia.

Every time i aspire to do something, I usually assess myself, before, during and after. So you guessed it, we’re going back to Accra.

The first time i heard this song which was yesterday] I was taken back to the rainy Thursday, back in/to the West. A place I yearn to go back to. But moments.

Are just that. Moments.

The guy sings about how he has feelings for this girl and wants her, but cant have her, because its his Best Friend’s girl. Matters good or Bad, the girl also has feelings for him.

Why do i relate to this? Because I’m attached to one who’s grasp I do not have. See I’ve always thought and was proud of the fact that I’m an Introvert. A loner. But I went to West Africa and fell in love. I’m not sure if you’ve ever felt that way. Like we see it movies and music videos, where group of friends meet and have such a lovely time out, fall in love, enjoy themselves and forget their troubles.

I am the guy. In love with West Africa but cant have it because I’m from the East. And so like the guy, we suppress it and hope that West Africa also feels the same way and when we find out they do, we hope its as strong as the one you have.

Oh sorry i digressed.

Where was I?

Yes, the assessment.

I’m no Introvert. I stayed up late chatting with roommates about life when we were younger [not that we’re old], our aspirations for the future, crushes, love and what life awaits us.

I played in the rain, watching the view of the City, slow dancing, eating and carefree. Life I haven’t experienced before.

I was a child again. And like the song, having fun with my friends,Friends I made in a span of Hours if not days, enjoying every second of it and soaking up all the joy and peace [I’ve replayed this song about 8 times already].

Walking round the city, enjoying the beauty, trust me when i tell you that these people are beautiful. Oh and the best part, the smell of the beach.

Water. Water. Water.

Someday again.

Someday.

[So the photos are from google, I have no rights to them]

[theintovertedextovert]

AHA

Would you mind If I touch, if I kiss, if I held you tight In the morning light Would you mind If I said how I felt tenderly tonight again 'Cause I never ever felt this way in my heart before, oh Love has found it's way in my heart tonight, yeah

I’m listening to “LOVE HOLIDAY” by Earth Wind and Fire. If you have not listened to this band before, you’re missing out.

I’m writing this as the saddest person ever. I jetted in from Accra having had the most amazing week ever. I thought Id be happy coming back home, to familiar grounds. The noise, the TV shows and what not, but it didn't feel that way.

Immediately i got out of the plane, I sank into depression, i ran to the bathroom and actually cried. As i am now writing this. I’m not sure if you've ever felt that way. You experience something so magical that once it leaves or stops you're never the same again.

I miss the people I met so bad that the thought of not seeing them again is literally tearing me apart. The feeling is so intense I feel I may end up doing something stupid.

I’ve sank so deep into depression, back to a place I fought so hard to leave.

Would you mind If I looked into your eyes till I'm hypnotized And I lose my pride Would you mind If I make love to you till I'm satisfied once again

My fave moment was a few days ago when we had a ‘prom night’ to finish it off, and the venue was at the rooftop where you could have the perfect view of the city. Trust me, it was the perfect view, I honestly do not think I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than that. For the finishing moment, they set up fire works which b=went off in the misty weather and my goodness,

Nostalgic.

It was such a huge mistake going to Accra. I made friends. Like friends. People who made me look forward to each and everyday, with such lovely and honest hearts, who gave me the best moments. Moments i will cherish for life.

...sorry, now I’m sobbing...

This week ended with me questioning everything. Every single thing. Things i thought mattered, don't mean that much to me now. My life has changed so much, I’m willing to risk loosing everything, just to go back.

That’s just how Accra changed me.

I know the blog is all over the place, I just wanted this put down the way it sounds in my mind.

“Love’s Holiday” by Earth Wind and Fire is now my Official Accra song.

Thank you for changing my life. This trip will always mean everything to me.

Cause I never ever felt this way in my heart before, oh Love has found its way in my heart tonight

Once again 'cause, I never ever felt this way In my heart before, oh Love has found its way In my heart, tonight, yeah

[theintovertedextovert]

CHANGES

I’m watching Everybody Hates Chris but writing this blog having been inspired by “Push Comes to Shove” byFreddie McGregor.

I will be traveling once again, this time someplace closer to home. I’m quite excited considering how horrible my last trip was. My anxiety got to me, it was so bad I actually spent two hours with the crew. Pretty embarrassing if you ask me.

Why is this trip important?

Currently, it is just to open up my eyes, my mind and change my perception on and of everything. Pretty scary right?

Not so much.

I look forward to this trip because I’ll breath. Its been a horrible week. Disappointments. Broken Hearts, Anger and Sadness, Pride that came in between reason and apologies...and of course an old friend, Depression. By the time i got home, my heart would have been so drained that not even a mosquito bite would affect me.I was crying but not a single tear dropped. My mind was so tired it just didn’t want to speak anymore. I dreaded mornings, because it meant i had to put a mask on, I dreaded the meetings, because not even one word got through to me...is that correct English?

The night would fall and a smile would appear, I could finally douse myself to sleep. Bathroom breaks were the best, showers were even better. Water has a way of taking me to a different world.

I look forward to traveling but afraid of the person i will be when i come back. My thoughts, My mind, my perception will have changed. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the new me that will be born during this trip.

I was happy the week ended. I was happy how it ended. My plants, My friend, all gathered together to give me the happiness and joy i so badly needed.

I am glad I’m traveling. At least ill have time to be happy.

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. 

-Curie

[theintovertedextovert]

MAKEDA

It's lunch time.

I'm listening to Makeda by Les Nubian's, if you don't know who she or they are, you're an embarrassment to all black people.

I've been meaning to write about love but hadn't quite gotten there yet. So I've had an A-ha moment and Now we're here.

Have you ever been in love?

No, not the fairy tale kind of love. The true one. Pure.Toxic.

The one that lights up the fire in you, And it burns. Burns like nobody's business. It brings out a part of you that you didn't know exists. And it drives you mad like a dog with a disease, yet calms you like ocean water.

A love that makes you loose your mind. So much that you're afraid of admitting it. A love so deep that a simple touch, laugh, conversation lingers on, for such a long time, that you end up questioning your sanity.

A love you shouldn't have, but can't seem to escape. You've tried to leave. You've fought against it. But the moment you see the other person, you forget it. And it's ignited again.

Like, Harley Quinn, The Joker and Deadshot.

"I cannot forget that kiss and hug. I cannot forget you standing pointing to my chest, "Be safe. Watch a movie." Her eyes like almond shaped pearls binding with a spell I could not explain. How?

I cannot forget your fingers upon my face. I cannot forget your posture; on your toes. On your tender eyes.

On the slide down the lanes of your fingers. I cannot forget that I regret not interlocking your fingers with mine. I cannot forget what it meant to have you alone with me.

Your endearing trembling. Your frequent rise of breath. Slow trepidation of your heartbeats upon mine. And what your fall upon my chest and getting lost in the space of what I have always considered too small or too unworthy, was my undoing.

We cannot date what is timeless. We cannot struggle to remember what replays in our heads everytime. How could I? You made the present eternal, and the past frozen. What sort of wonder did you strike in me that nothing else has held such power over my sense of control? How could I forget?"

Love is honestly supposed to be the best thing ever, but sometimes, The best thing is not the best thing.

[theintovertedextovert]

BLACK CURSE

So, I just finished watching "Girl in the Spider's Web".

Great movie, lots of undertones.

It has taken me weeks to write this, it actually took this movie to write it.

The movie with all its glory, splendor and mystery left me angrier than intrigued. In the movie two sisters were being sexually ans physically abused by their father. One morning however being called to their father's room, the last born decides to jump off the balcony alone having being disappointed by her elder sister who chose to stay.

Years later the Elder sister becomes the father and is angry at the younger sister for not coming to save her.

You get the drift.

So black curse you ask?

I was recently asked if I would tell my family how much I really got it I won the lotto. The "asker" got angry when I said that I'd lie with a straight face.

First borns have been receiving a lot of backlash for living their life and not giving it up for others. Like the movie, there's always a member of the family who suffers for choices they didn't make. The younger sister in this case, had to pay for her sister's decision even though she begged her to leave.

It is quite saddening that one has to spend years working hard only for others to enjoy their fruits. I remember being told that a first born was being laughed at because they suffer from depression. Turns out this son was being forced to pay loans taken by neighbours, foot family bills and get married all at once.

There had been an instance where one child had asked the mother to leave her husband as he was physically abusing her. She threw the son out, closing her husband over her son. Now their ties are so severed they don't talk any more.

What Of The girl who was abused sexually both by the father and the uncles. On reporting was accused for seducing the men in the family and thus chased away.

The daughter who financially educated the family, ensuring each got equal financial status only for them to squander the money and force her to finance their lavish life.

When the truth comes out, you are to apologise not them.

As a first born, you're never right. Your family will sell land against your will amd squander the money, go on gambling spree, throw you out and you will still have to foot bills.

You are never to be successful, the society owns you. If the neighbour's fireman wants a trip for his family you will pay.

We took you to school to take care of us not yourself.

You will marry the person chosen for you and not your love. If you do, you shall be excommunicated.

You are our slave, no rights no, voice.

If you are successful, make the right decisions and are happy we will figure out a way to ruin it for you. You are to take care of us and not your own.

I look forward to moving out, to have my own room full of scented candles. With my husband, listen to jazz, cook, make love and sleep.

For all the First Born children, I feel you, I understand you.

Do have a lovely night.

[theintovertedextovert]

ADULTING 101

 It feels so good to be blogging again.

Song if the night; I love your smile by Shanice.

I have been having meetings with myself, young, old, current and a version of me i hadn't seen in quite a while. I'm writing this because I saw this P Diddy meme of how we thought Adulting would be like and how it actually turned out. Completely different.

Adulting tips, skills?

1. You care about things you never cared about.

I'm en-route to become an advocate, but will actually end up being an Advocate. Difference? The first one is one who goes to court while the other one fights for things their passionate about. Creates awareness and stuff.

 “What you won’t do for love” by Bobby Cadwell.

okay back to topic.

I watched news today [big mistake] and for the first time we are trying to have our own Archipelago here, which is creating such havoc in our oceans and on our beaches. Fish population has deteriorated drastically, Plankton is being destroyed and our lovely soft sandy beaches are being wiped out.

I’m stressed out that seeds I’m about to order may not arrive in time, I’m worried about Kids who are being mistreated and how disappointing the Edcuation system is.

2. You stop caring about things that mattered.

I’ve always enjoyed working alone. There’s a piece and Calmness that exists that no person can match. A former classmate of mine talked about how I may be “going through something” because all of a sudden i’m creating awareness. Know what i did? Nothing.

We are each on our own path and it doesn’t matter who is with you, who stays and who goes.

“There it is” By Shalamar

3. Family is not really Family.

I think we’ve all experienced this. What differentiates us is whether you accept it or not. I’ve been in a lot of quarrels lately. Quarrels being them shouting and my ears being shut tight. You learn that your not everyone’s saviour, that your neighbour’s kids are not your responsibility, that you don’t have to attend those family gatherings and that weddings are not for everyone to attend. You learn to step away from everyone and put yourself first. This is quite hard to do, especially as a first born because you’re never allowed to have your own life.

4. Marriage is important, Weddings...not so much.

We never really save up for our weddings but for us to show off, live large and fulfill those stupid expensive family demands. You buy an expensive dress and suit, go on holiday in an expensive resort and come home to debt with a family that doesn’t help, expects you to finance your life and in laws who will try pit you against your husband for their own selfish gains.

%. You get excitement from the simplest things.

When a kid at a plane waves at you, the thought of new Kitchen utensils, learning a new sport or hobby, that wiggle you do when you get to bed, a documentary to wanted to watch, an old song being played on the radio. Or my fave, when you make someone’s day. I did this random thing, I told a few random people, you smell nice, you look good, your beard looks good, your dress is lovely, their smile? Priceless.

“Street-life” by The Crusaders. [The Sax is out of this world]

5. You look Forward to Life.

Life is what you make it. You wake up happier, more stress free and cant wait to accomplish your dreams. You work hard fro them and little achievements give you the boost you’ve always looked for.

1982, New York, Night Club, ‘fro, good music, Sax.

Have a lovely Night ahead.