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doubleca5t · 3 years ago

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Tbh i think my main concern if we start telling kids that they could change their gender at a young age it might just confuse them? Because i feel like a lot of kids have felt at some point where they wish to be the opposite gender because of small things like wanting to be able to play with girly/boyish toys or feeling that their sibling with the opposite gender is getting more attention than they are. Children rarely knows what they want for sure and I don't think they should be given the opportunity to go through things such as transitioning since it would leave permanent effects and they might change their minds in the future (im aware that transitioning doesn't always mean taking hormones, but there has been more cases recently where parents are giving younger kids hormones and I don't want the number to increase). Idk would love to hear your opinion on this though.

This is actually a very good question because I think this is a common concern for people not super involved in trans circles.

The short answer is that there is a framework already in place for transition under the age of 18 that is designed to have limited to no permanent impacts on someone who decides to stop treatment after medically transitioning as a child. The way it works (at least in the U.S. which is what I'm familiar with) is that if you are in a state that allows children to medically transition (should be every state but that's a separate issue) there are essentially three sets of rules based on the age of the person trying to transition:

Before puberty there are no options for medical transition. If a little kid wants to wear different clothes and go by a new name and pronouns they can do that, but they're not getting prescribed anything until later.

Starting around their teen years, trans youth can be prescribed a type of medication called a puberty blocker, but still can't receive hormone replacement therapy or any kind of gender affirming surgery. Puberty blockers, the most popular of which is Lupron, are a class of medications that, when taken by a pubescent child, halt the onset of puberty. In case you don't know, the way that hormone replacement therapy works is that it's essentially a way of medically enducing a male or female puberty. Transmascs take testosterone shots which gives them more body hair, a deeper voice, and a more masculine fat distribution, while transfems take estrogen, which gives them less body hair, some breast growth, softer skin and a more feminine fat distribution.

Lupron does not have these effects. Instead of giving trans kids the puberty of their desired gender, it just stops them from experiencing the puberty of the gender they were assigned at birth. This allows their body to go either way depending on their next steps: they can either stop taking blockers and go through their AGAB puberty, albiet a little late, or switch to HRT when they turn 18 and go through their desired puberty. This gives trans teens time to think it over before they commit to a course of treatment that might have longer lasting effects (though even the effects of hormones wear off to an extent if you stop taking them like maybe I'd keep my boobs if I went off e and spiro but the rest would probably revert back to how I was when I was a man).

There's a lot of scaremongering about Lupron but the funny thing is, it's already prescribed to a lot of cis children and no one bats an eye at that. Lupron is also used as a treatment for "precocious puberty" which is when a child goes through puberty before they're supposed to, which can have some negative side effects. Lupron has been used to treat this for a while now, and while transphobes will tell you it's some sort of dangerous experimental drug with terrible side effects, the serious side effects are no more common than in any other medication we give to teens (which is to say, pretty rare), and no one was putting up a stink about it when we were giving it to cis kids. GEE I WONDER WHY 🤔🤔🤔

Once a teenager reaches adulthood, the full range of options becomes available to them in terms of trans healthcare so long as they meet the requisite psychological and social requirements.

Now there have been cases of teenagers receiving treatment that is, for lack of a better term, ahead of schedule, but these are pretty rare and tend to receive outsize attention because conservatives use them as anecdotes. It's like how, in the 90s, conservatives would point to some horrible murderer and argue that we need more policing and harsher sentences to stop people like that, when in reality, the biggest impact of those policies was that people who committed relatively minor offenses (or in some cases NO offenses) receive extremely harsh punishments. They're cherry picking corner cases and arguing that the whole system needs to be made harsher and more unforgiving to prevent a handful of instances where it failed.

But you know what IS really common? trans teens being *denied* care for arbitrary or outright bigoted reasons. Trans healthcare isn't too permissive in providing treatment to young people, it's the exact opposite: it's too restrictive. That's the real problem with trans healthcare for teens, and that's what people should be concerned about.

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tastyykpop · 4 years ago

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nct dating headcannons!

I only did 127 because there's so many but ill do the others if anyone requests it :)

ɴᴄᴛ ʙғ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴ

Taeil

Mr. Moon Taeil is the definition of a cuddly boyfriend

Hes always holding your hand or kissing your cheek

Definitely gets shy when the members are around but in public youre all his

Hes super sincere about anything too but also knows how to joke around

I mean have you seen him with nct

Hes funny❗❗

Like he's gonna make you laugh no matter what

And those deep convos yall would have at night while cuddling>>>

"What if we were put on earth by aliens as an experiment to see if we would live and everytime we see ufos its just our cousins checking up on us"

Eyes wide open, "bro"

Taeils either the big or small spoon too

There's no in between

Also the biggest baby when yall are chilling

"I call small spoon!"

"But you were the small spoon last night"

"K and what about it"

10/10 would complain if you didn't want to sit with him and watch a movie or show

Would probably guilt trip you by saying you never watch something with him

Hes a sweet manipulator...

But he could easily replace you with one of the members

Like sicheng

Taeil will always ask if you've eaten

If you haven't eaten he gets big sad

Don't make him sad

Plus hes always checking on your health

And he'll know if your lying if you say you're doing fine when you're not

Also don't lie in general cuz he doesn't like that

That would make him trust you a bit less and he definitely wants trust in the relationship

Trust is a huge key or hes out

Johnny

This man 🥲

Boyfriend Material™

So gentle and loving

Loves making you feel special and will hype the shit out of you when you don't feel confident doing something

Will always make sure you're doing okay

Johnny puts in so much effort to make this relationship work and expects you to put the same amount of effort into it too

Like taeil, hes really big on trust

Add honesty to that list

Plus he expects you to be mature when needed

If you're the type of person who depends on someone else for everything and I'm mean everything he will actually leave

Hes not your babysitter❤

But he will take care of you to some extent

Like basic things for instance

He'll make you food if you're sick, get you water if your dehydrated, will get your feminine products when you need it

Very sweet😌

Okay and he spoils you but wbk

"Why are you getting me so much things?"

"Because I love you."

"But why did you get me a kitten costume???"

He has some kinks to work out 😐

Johnny will go to shop after shop even if you say you don't want something (you do but you just don't want him to pay) he'll get it without batting an eye

"Youve been staring at these shoes for 5 minutes imma buy them for you"

"Huh? No! I-"

"Too late"

will take you out to dinner all the time just to be romantic

Hes actually really good at romantic stuff

I say Johnny you say whipped

Johnny👀

Whipped😫

His free time is always you time

So don't bother saying your busy cuz now hes busy with you

"Johnny i got a test coming up can you come later? I need to study

"Thats cute im coming over to help"

Taeyong

Judging taeyong on his looks, some say he would be cold to his girlfriend

Like a tsundere

But the man is quite the opposite

Though he can be stern if need be

He has 22 children what do you expect

Will literally treat you like his members and always taking care of you

But there will be times when you have to take care of him because hes so tired from work

He turns into a baby when he's tired or lazy too

So wrap him in a burrito blanket and hes all set for the day

Makes weird noises but thats normal

You're just watching tv and hes just making some old video game sounds with his mouth

No one questions it

If he didnt make sounds you'd probably question it

Talks in pout if he doesn't get his way with you

"Why don't you wanna play games with me~"

"Bruh I'm tired"

Or just gives you those big puppy eyes without even trying

Complete other person when you're not listening

He just kinda stares at you all intimidating like until you listen

Taeyong won't do anything too bad if you kept ignoring him, but you don't know that

Omg bro he'd literally bring you on vlive with him to chat

Even if the company is like '???Shes not an idol???'

But its taeyong so SM doesn't care🧍‍♂️

"We have special guest again! Its y/n-ah!!"

You'd be just chilling on his bed giving him a wtf look until you realize there's a camera and smile

"Shes cute. Isn't she cute guys?"

Don't try to escape the vlive, he'll just get up and sit you on his lap

Makes everyone watching jelly🥲

Bro he would make fun of you the same way he makes fun of doyoung

you'd be sitting with doyoung or sumn and taeyong just comes up to the both of you and decides

'Its time to end these two'

You and doyoung are just like 'tf did we do'

Somehow some other members are making fun of yall

Of course they aren't mean

Its all fun and games and gives you a good laugh after

Doyoung

Hes literally a mom

But its ok

You love it

Sometimes

He also nags a lot

And if you don't listen he gets mad

You wouldn't tell him this but you find it funny

And cute🤐

"Youre almost as bad as dream"

"what are u talking about im an angel"

"Kay then put the knife down we kinda need haechan to live"

Hes beaten you with a pillow once

In front of taeyong

Taeyong was watching like 👁👄👁

I dont think he cares much for pda tbh

But he doesn't hate it

He'll hug you a lot

And doyoung will probably kiss you here and there

But thats depending on his mood

If he's tired he'd probably just hold you in his arms

Either way he still makes you smile even with the smallest of touches

When you guys go out in public doyoung always holds your hand

I mean always

Remember when I said he doesn't seem like the type to be into pda

I lied

Doyoung wants everyone to know youre his

He won't kiss you but he will pull you into random hugs and hold your hand like he's gonna lose you any second

Doyoung also can't go anywhere without dressing his best

Like even if he's just practicing he's gotta look cute

And he always does because he's fucking kim doyoung

Doyoung also has a habit to make up names for you

Like one day he'll call you babe/baby

The next day could be angel or princess

Then there's you who just calls him bunny because he hates (loves) it

Expect some random gifts from him

Cuz like Johnny, he likes to spoil you

he just loves the smile thats plastered on your face

Pinches your cheeks evey time you smile too

When you guys are just chilling in the dorms you are always doing something to make doyoung get "angry"

"Angry" doyoung is a fun doyoung

Says you and taeyong 🤭

Literally will chase you around the dorm until he gets you and "scolds you"

Hell also scold taeyong

Sometimes you prank him with the other members

*cough*haechan*cough*

But doyoung knows youre just being playful

So he kinda laughs at you

Yuta

Hes a devil

Wbk

He can go from calling you the cutest lil thang to saying the most inappropriate stuff

"U have such a pretty mouth"

"no stop"

"how about u use it on my-"

"OUT DEMON"

Besides that he's actually very nice

Although he doesn't really show his affection like how most couples would

At first hes kinda like a "cold boyfriend" but not?

Gives off a tsundere kinda vibe

He lives for pda

Especially if you initiate it

His favorite is kissing your neck

Not in a sexual way or trying to give you hickeys tho

He just comes over and kisses it

Probably has a neck kink 😳

Same 😌

When you guys are out in public his arm is always around your waist or shoulders

He gets easily jealous when you give anyone any attention

Especially if you have a pet

He will be pouty for God knows how long until you notice

"I'll make it up to you"

"ok then prove it *pats his lap*"

"...I can and will replace you with this animal"

Will not let a dude flirt with you

If he sees a dude flirt with you he just gives them ㄒ卄乇ㄥㄖㄖҜ

Lowkey hot

But sometimes gives you that look if u aren't listening to him

Its an advantage

Freaks you out tho

When your sitting on the couch minding your own damn business yuta always pulls you onto his lap or sits you between his legs

He really likes to be close to you

So when you guys are sitting he keeps his head on your shoulder and his arms wrapped around you gently rocking you both

Omg im making myself feel single

If you are sad yuta will always be the first person you lean on

Even if its not serious

"Who do I need to fuck up?"

"Im literally just on my period..."

The members sometimes tease him because they'd never seen him so in love

He looks at you like ur his everything

Because you are

He'll tell you that too

If you say something bad about urself he gives you a whole ass lecture about how u should love yourself the way he loves you

He'd be talking for 25 minutes but you stopped listening 30 minutes ago

Literally scolds you for not listening

Loves how well you get along with the members

But also hates how well you get along with specific members because of how similar you are with them

What I'm trying to say is that you are a bit too similar to mark🚶‍♂️

Jaehyun

Frat boy boyfriend

Lowkey wants to fuck everyday

Idk he gives off that vibe

But jaehyuns just chill half the time

Hes like an American boyfriend like bitch you're Korean 👁👄👁

Hes super cuddly and warm

Thats weird wait

Like when you're cold just snuggle into him because body heat <3

Always loosely has his arms around your waist when just laying down

Whole different story if you're sitting on his lap and just standing around

Back hugs😫😫

Dead ass the first thing he does if he sees you is give you a back hug

It works for a lot of things

Surprise? Back hug

You're cooking? Back hug

Horny? Back hug

Solves his life problems basically

Hes a freak omg

Very flirtatious too

Hes just that bitch

Either he makes you blush or roll your eyes

"Y/n you're ass is fat"

Def an ass guy😑

Hes the type of guy to put his hands in your jeans back pocket

Wait no im feeling jaehyun too much rn

BUT MY POINT STILL STANDS

Or when yall hug his hand doesn't rest on your back but your ass

If you're wearing some shorts or something that makes your but pop

Hes gonna smack it and pretend like nothing happened

Yo someone pls save me im in my jae feels

Nah I've been talking about his ass kink for too long

Ummmm

Okay for real though jaes actually really nice and kind of careless when it comes to you

Fuck everyone else, if you've fallen and scraped your knee hes gonna be that soccer mom and rip a band aid out of nowhere

But if one of his members scraped their knee he'd just look the other way and smile like nothing happened

Earlier I said he was chill but hes also loud too

You walk into the dorms and the first thing you hear is "Y/N!!" Wyd?

You swear he doesn't realize how loud he is half the time because of that deep voice

This bitch always makes sure youre healthy and tries to take you to the gym with him

It dont work cuz this bitch just stares at your ass

Nah I need to do the next member

Jungwoo

hes literally the cutest especially around you

When he greets you its basically a whole ass bear hug

Whole lots a kissing

Literally doesn't care where you guys are

He will kiss you anywhere

Loves to kiss your forehead because he doesn't have to bend down as much🤭

doesnt care if the members are there

Nobody ever questions it either

"youre my baby right?"

"jungwoo-"

"riGhT?"

"Yes...."

He does aegyo if he doesn't get his way

It works every time don't lie

Will probably sit on your lap for some reason

Hes not light

But if you can do it so can he

you guys never get into fights

Even if you do its never anything serious

"you fucking pushed me so u could win"

"false I accidentally bumped my arm into urs"

"whats accidental is the murder im going to commit"

"what?"

"What?"

Smh young love

Going shopping with jungwoo is like shopping with a kid

Will beg for any food he lays his eyes on

"Omg can we get cookies?🥺"

"only if your paying"

“*gently places cookie dough back* lmao cookies? Never heard of her"

No matter how tired the boy is he will always find time for you

Hell take you too your favorite restaurants and even if you insist on paying he wont let you

If you don't marry him I will

When you guys are walking in public he will always be holding your hand

Says its because he doesn't want you to get lost

But you know damn well its actually him who doesn't want to get lost😳

Jk you just know he wants to be close to you

If you make any suggestive joke he always knows how to counterpart it

Leaving you speechless like the members

When you guys are going to bed he has his arms wrapped around your waist

first thing jungwoo does before sleeping is giving you a kiss

Doesn't care if your asleep or awake

Then a quiet 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢

Mark

i dont even know how to explain this relationship bruh

like its mark lee its gonna be a weird time

ok so marks actually hella nice

kinda bro or dude zones you but you do it back

theres a bunch of yo’s too

as someone who says yo a lot im happy i can relate to him

“yo youre doing that wrong though”

“dude im literally reading the directions, it said 3 cups of water”

“bro it says 3/4 oh my god”

yall cant cook

taeyong wont even allow even you to help him cook

anyway marks special

but seriously marks actually a very gentle person with you

like legit is super nice to you even if you sometimes piss him off

marks probablys only been mad at you once then was like ‘its okay’

go to his practices cuz he loves that shit

he really likes when you are social with the members too

cuz then you guys are all friends and he can just bring you to places with them :D

this kid will literally not to pda in front of any member so you have to basically force him to just hug you

johnnys always making fun of you two and mark panics everytime while youre just like ‘yeah what about it’

compliment mark and hes blushing and squealing like an anime girl

inch resting concept

“mark you look cute today”

“o-oh um..yeah thanks”

and this man can take compliments but with you its a whole new story

aight lemme get serious

marks mad sensitive

so dont actually purposely make him mad, jealous, or upset

it would crush him

and he doesnt want someone like that in a relationship

cuz if he doesnt purposely do it to you, dont do it to him

take notes

Haechan

hes a brat bye

would actually fight you just to get his way

makes fun of you on a regular

thinks hes cute

hes not wrong

but actually he knows how to act mature when he needs to

like if youre genuinly getting upset with him, he will straighten up and quicky apologize, even give you a phat kiss and hug

might take you to get ice cream after if he really upset you

he can be nice

nah jk hes very nice and is a really energetic boyfriend

haechan always wants to do something with you liek go to the amusement park, go out to eat, or go shopping

sometimes makes everything seem like a hassle to leave and go somewhere with you cuz hes either lazy or playing video games

“cant you just go by yourself?”

“but what if i get lost”

“the ice cream place is literally five miles away”

“actually its seven so im gonna get lost”

hed groan the whole time just to be annoying but you dont care cuz you got your ice cream

if you go to any concert or practice, haechan always has to make things more sexy than they should be

like ‘fool’ became hella sexual and for what

its probably one of his favorites to make you blush

he loves your reactions

keeps him alive

hyucks always got something to say even at the most awful times

youre literally choking on water and he goes “ill give you something to choke on later”

and you have to cancel your dying session to smack his head

my guy has no filter

and he wont even hide that around the members

theres always that smirk on his cute ass face if he succeeds too

i have the sudden urge to fight him

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f33itan · 4 years ago

Text

💛⚜️Pᴀʀᴛ 1: Tᴏʀᴛᴜʀᴇ ɪs Gᴏʟᴅᴇɴ⚜️💛 (From my Wattpad)

A/N: Ok, this was something a mutual of mine said here on Tumblr, and I decided to write a oneshot about it. Might be very VERY slight angst, nothing bad enough to actually be put under that umbrella though, anyways, enjoy this, and ty for the reads! :)

CW: MENTIONS OF RAPE, DEGRADATION, AND MORE FOUL WORDS THAN USUAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

B/N: Your Mother's boyfriend's name

M/N: Mother's name

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

"Oi, Y/N! Go get me another pack of beer from the store!"

"Yes father!" Damn that pig looking bitch. I'm just some fucking girl, trying to protect her mom from this demon of a person! Heck, he's not EVEN a person! He's the devil himself!! Man, I wish dad was here...

When you were in about 7th grade, your real father got killed in a massacre a couple cities over. He was not only a police officer, but a great father and husband as well. He treated you and your mother amazingly, and you thought life couldn't get anymore perfect, but soon that all went down hill. After his death, your mother's health depleted and she felt empty inside. She needed somebody else to make her complete. She decided to call an old friend from high school, and next thing you know he moved in. He seemed like a nice guy at first, but soon enough he was beating you guys mercilessly, enough to leave large bruises and scars whenever you didn't do exactly what he asked, in your eyes though, it was more of an order. You hated being ordered around, but you hated your mother getting beaten around even more. It seemed like a blessing that he hasn't tried to rape her, but god knows what he'll do, he's unpredictable

With all of this happening, you decided to tell him you were doing some "extra curricular" classes in college, but what you were actually doing was taking the Hunter's Exam and learning nen. Your biological father was kind-hearted and fun to be around, but he was also strict and sometimes a bit harsh, though he always meant well. Before his passing, all three of you would go out on the weekends to train, exercise, or do something that would enhance your body power and brain power. Because of this, all of you were exceptionally smart, and bodies all well toned. Sometimes your excursions would be going to a park and practicing a sport, driving to the snow and sledding, skiing, snowboarding, and every once in a while going to another state to zip line, try animal encounters, or take a family friendly class in that state's heritage and customs.

Since you were accustomed to hard core training and events, you thought the Hunter's Exam was quite fun, and was a test to your skills. After that, you were scouted out by a strong nen user by the name of Biscuit Krueger. You and her had lots of fun training, and with her pushing your limits to the utmost best, you turned out to be a specialist.

(Whenever I imagine myself in Hunter x Hunter, this is always my nen type and stuff LMAO)

Your power was called, Black shadow. You could have up to 10 weapons on hand, completely subjected to doing your bidding. These weapons were linked to you through blood, and they were surrounded with a substance that appeared to be black mist. The weapons you most preferred to practice with and use were your katana, blood string, and scythe. You could also make a weapon yours by cutting a fingertip and letting the blood drip onto the weapon, altering the appearance then gaining that black "mist", showing that it was now yours. The downside to this technique was that those "shadows and mist remnants" were your sleep. The darkness in your mind and the shadows all around you were taken and used for that power. In turn, you were always tired, yawning, and had bags under your eyes. Another plus side though was that you had a nen created chamber that had every weapon you owned. A girl can have some fun toys, can't she? You had tools for torture (whenever you took an opportunity to try it), many varieties of weapons, and of course, more snacks. But unlike B/N, you didn't have just fatty snacks. You had regeneration potions, healthy snacks, and special nen created "snacks" to help with different things, which all of these you had collected through pulling some strings. Your mother was worried, but you said it was all just college things. Yeah, just college things..

Ill make that pig bitch pay for what he has done to my mother!

Feitan POV -or whats going on with him- :

"What time, is it.."

"8 AM Fei!"

"Shut up, green eyes, too loud."

"Oh Fei don't be rude! It's mean!"

"That's, the point."

"Oh wait, Shalnark, what this?"

"What do you mean?"

"This... gold string?"

"OI SHALNARK, FEITAN, COME ERE' REAL QUICK!"

"Phinks, what, do you, want-" Phinks just ignored his question and pointed to the TV.

This is Channel 12, reporting live from York New City Town Square. People all over the city are claiming to be seeing a string tied to their left ring finger, leading them to some unknown destination! What is this string? Who put it there?-

"AY AY IM ON TV! THE STRING THINGY JUST LEAD ME TO THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND NOW WERE DATING! SUPER AWESOME!"-

I apologize for the interference, but this string appears t be leading people to.. partners? Soulmates? Find out tomorrow morning, this is Amy Starwick from Channel 12, signing out.

"What. The. FUCK."

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOODNESS HOLY SHIT FEITAN YOU HAVE A SOULMATE!!"

"Nope-"

"YESS YOU DOOOOOOO"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CHEERY BITCH-"

"No❤️" Since Feitan was on his last nerve with Shalnark, he decided to stomp over towards Chrollo in the main room, but Chrollo just chuckled.

"Wanna go find your soulmate? See if that things real?" Feitan just stared at the ground, lightly shifting his feet.

"Go ahead, I don't mind."

"Just, doing it, out of, curiosity."

"Mhm, curiosity, go find them." And with that, he was dismissed. Feitan wanted to say it was curiosity, but deep down he had this feeling there was something else, but what was it? It made his stomach tingle and he didn't like it one bit. He tried to ignore all of this, and just shrugged it off...

꧁꧂꧁꧂TimeSkip to Next Day꧁꧂꧁꧂

Your POV + some Feitan POV:

"Alright, today's the day, he'll be at his work, and on his break, i'll set the plan in motion.." Both me and mom don't like him, and I don't know about her, but I sure hate him, every ounce of him. The plan is simple: 1. Capture mom's boyfriend, 2. Take him to an abandoned building, 3. Torture him and get all of the answers I need, and 4. Kill him. His break is at 12, and he usually goes to get takeout every other Friday, what a pig. I'll give him a taste of his own medicine.

Time: 11:30 AM

Ok, I have everything ready. Fully energized to the utmost extent, Elixirs to bring him back in case he passes out too early, and- what? He's leaving for lunch early? PERFECT! You ran behind some buildings and hid in a two-way alleyway, waiting for him to pass by...

Here we go..

One..

Two..

THREE!

You covered his head with a sack, and took his phone out of his back pocket. Before heading over to your post, you laced the inside of the sack with some sleeping powder and pressed it against his nose and mouth. Within moments he passed out, and you typed in what you hoped to be his password, which was correct. Around 12:30, you were going to text one of his coworkers that he would be "going to a restaurant across town, and ditching work for a day, not wanting to see his stupid good for nothing girlfriend or his dumb daughter." You knew he called you both this because of going through his text messages when he wasn't looking or when he was sleeping. Little did you know that somebody was watching you from afar.

"Hmm... So, she, my, what do people, call it.. soulmate? Seems, interesting..."

Time: 12:00 PM

"Jesus, I new he was a fat ass but I didn't know he weighed this much!" You were tugging him from his legs through the back ways of York New. You wanted to find a secluded area, where once you were done with him you could just toss him somewhere for the birds and maggots to eat. After walking for what seemed like hours, you came across a set of abandoned buildings, specifically the one you laid out some extra things. A couple extra weapons, some towels, a change of clothes, a chair and some rope, a couple of flashlights, and of course, some snacks. Lucky for you, the douchebag you've been dragging around like a rag doll was still out cold, so you picked him up and tossed him on the chair, tying his wrists, ankles and neck to the chair.

"Maaannn, this is boring!! When the hell are you gonna wake up?!" As if on queue, you saw his eyes start to flutter open, and you immediately grabbed your box cutter. It wasn't a weapon used by your nen, but it was quite effective.

"What.. who.. wait- Y/N!? WHAT THE FUCK?! UNTIE ME NOW BEFORE I BEAT YOUR ASS!!" you didn't notice it, but Feitan was watching from the building over.

What, the fuck? Why she kidnap him? That pig? Why? Confusing, gotta keep, watching.

You shoved the box cutter into his left cheek, and you bathed in the glory of hearing his screams of pain.

"How does this feel, you bitch? Everything you've done to my dear mother, everything you've done to me, and heck, YOU WERE PROBABLY BEHIND MY DAD'S MURDER DURING THAT FUCKING MASSACRE!!" B/N noticed the tears in your eyes, and took this to his advantage.

"So what if I was? Both of your parents were pathetic anyways."

"NO THEY AREN'T! YOU'RE THE REASON WHY MY MOTHER'S LIKE THIS NOW! YOUR THE FUCKING REASON FOR EVERYTHING SHITTY THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME!!"

"Heh, hehe.. hahaHAHAHA! YOU KNOW GOD DAMNED WELL THAT ALL OF YOU ARE PATHETIC! WANNA KNOW WHY I GOT WITH YOUR MOM!? BECAUSE SHES HOT. AND SHE HAD GOOD MONEY FROM YOUR FUCKING DAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO?! YOU KNOW WHY I TOOK OFF EARLY TODAY?! I WAS GONNA RAPE YOUR MOTHER AND MAKE YOU WATCH, THEN KILL BOTH OF YOU AND RUN OFF WITH ALL OF YOUR MONEY!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S IRONIC?! I DON'T HAVE ONE. SINGLE. FUCKING. REGRET. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR DAD, YOU SOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE NERVE TO DO THIS, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED!!"

You couldn't handle this anymore, tears were falling down your face rapidly as you grabbed the duct tape and closed his mouth shut.

"I don't give a fuck about what you say.. I'm going to kill you here. This is your grave. Someday, I'll join you in hell, and when I do, I'll torture you again, and the Devil will laugh. You just watch and ducking wait you, you.. PATHETIC WORTHLESS PIG ASS SLOPPY ASS NASTU FUCKING BITCH!" With that, you grabbed a couple super worms in each hand and shoved them into his ears. Even with the duct tape, you could hear his screams of agony as the worms dug deeper into his ears. You then got our your katana and slashed him across the stomach, and shoved even more worms into that open wound of his. Quickly, you poured a large bottle of the elixir you had brought over him to keep him from dying so quickly. Box cutter still in hand, you carved small lines all over his arms and legs, then ripped off the tape to hear his desperate cries. You imagined he wanted to be dead, but you didn't care. His pain and you pain mixed together and you just started laughing. You through your head back and let yourself laugh. all of the pain this man has caused you and your mom will be repayed today.

But the pressure and stress was too much to handle. Your laughing of victory soon turned into screams and more tears, as you let yourself fall to the ground, not even noticing you didn't hit it hard, something had caught you, or someone..

What the shit am I doing?

Am I really going to kill him?

What's wrong with me?

What will mother think?

What would dad do?

What am I doing with my life?

You soon snapped out of all of those negative thoughts though, as you noticed something caressing your face lightly.

"Rest, now. He, won't die, so quickly. I'm, Feitan." You were a sniffling and crying mess, so all you could do was rush into Feitan's chest and cry. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around you and held you close. He had no idea what he was doing, for he had only seen this kind of skin on skin contact in movies. So, he did what those people in the movies did.

"Don't, worry... It's all, going to be.. okay."

Word Count (Including author notes, etc) : 2251

-Wrote February 3, 2021-

Unedited sorry about that lol-

Part 1...

#hxh #hxh oneshot #hunterxhunter #feitan #feitanportor #pov #feitanxreader

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liliesoftherain · 5 years ago

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Gosh that Im Obsessed fic with Izuku was so lovely and I was wondering if I could like a continuation of it with the reader saying to him #52 from the prompt list? I need me a good kiss for this now oh man.

52. “Can I kiss you right now?”

A/N: Oh my gosh yES, I was honestly wondering myself if I should make something with the kiss and you just gave me the perfect reason to. I made this really quick so I didn’t read through it for mistakes, hope you enjoy anyways!

Part 1 - I’m Obsessed

Izuku snapped out of his thoughts from the past once he heard your laugh echo across the common room. His cheeks burned brightly, whether it was from your your cute giggles that were promptly making his head spin, or from the intoxicating memory of your hands on his face, he wasn’t sure. He knew he hadn’t been the same around you since that day, and it wasn’t hard to figure out why.

He was head over heels in love with you, and all it took for him to realize was that beautiful smile on your face to realize it.

Who would have guessed, the one thing you did everyday without fail for years is what causes him to understand his feelings. He now knows why he had been so curious about you, why he had always sought you out from the crowds of everyone else.

“Hey Izuku, if you keep day dreaming you’ll be behind on studying for finals.” You teased while sitting next to him.

He jumped at the shock that passed through him once your thighs touch his, mouth drying out and his heartbeat being the only thing he could hear. If he could hear it, surely you could? Were you questioning why it was so loud, were you thinking about that night-

“Izuku?” Your eyes frowned, but that beaming grin stayed on your face.

You were concerned for him, but you wanted him to know that you were here. He knew what your different faces meant. You spoke more with your eyes than you did with your mouth, how could you not with that lips stretched across your face like that? Did it hurt? Were your cheeks as soft as your hands? Probably softer-

He stopped himself before his thoughts went to far again and have you worry even more.

“I-I’m alright, well, uh..” He couldn’t talk properly, it felt like his tongue was too big for his mouth. He had flashbacks to his first year when all he did was stutter, how embarrassing.

He gulped as your eyes glazed over with a look- why did it look like you knew something he didn’t?

“Hey, come with me for a minute.” You stood and held out your hand, and he stared at it with such wonder till he finally reached out.

As soon as his hand was in yours he felt his whole mind go blank. You pulled him up effortlessly and had no idea that they boy you were pulling behind you was now lost to the world.

All Izuku could think about were your hands. They felt almost perfect in his own, better than he could have dreamed. Whenever he was able to touch your hands, by helping each other up from sparring lessons or such, he always wore his gloves. He was never able to feel your skin properly, but now, oh gosh your hands were so warm and lovely.

Dainty yet strong.

Firm yet so soft.

Perfect in every way.

He could barley feel the light callouses that formed on your palms, the overwhelming softness in compared to his own is all he could take away. But they way your fingers tightened around his own palm, he could feel the years of training in them.

You glanced back and saw Izuku staring down at your clasped hands, his gentle expression making your heart flutter. You bite you lip at, debating internally before deciding to take the plunge and thread your fingers with his. You hold back a chuckle as his eyes widen and stare at you in a flustered manor.

Once you got far away enough from the curious stares of your friends, you stopped, turning to face him.

“So what’s going on, you haven’t been yourself recently.”

He wanted to sigh and laugh and scream at the same time. Your hand was still in his and that wasn’t helping his already jumbled mess of a brain right now, but then you were also asking him what was wrong?

Did you not feel the same way he did? Was there no love in your tender hold on his face? Was it all just merely platonic in nature and he was the one who let himself get dragged further into the depths of feelings while you remain floating contently on the shallow end?

“I..” He once more was at a loss for words, but this time it was due to the fear creeping it’s way into the expanse of his mind. He was going to make a fool out of himself wasn’t he?

You saw the inner struggle in his gaze, and hoped you wouldn’t make it worse with your next move.

Bringing your arm up, you slowly cupped his face like you did that night, what felt like so long ago. His cheeks were soft, still holding some baby fat but you could feel the definition under the pads of your fingertips.

His freckles were the death of you really. That was what you first noticed about him when you met him all those years ago after all. He wasn’t anything special at first, people telling him many times he was a plain looking boy, and you agreed to some extent. His hair was messy, eyes always nervous, small lanky body and a quirk that didn’t seem to work right.

But then there was his freckles.

Those dots that painted his skin were more than just plain. They were beautiful, like glittering stars in an endless night sky. If you took the stars out endless space above, it was just that. Space. Nothing to catch the attention of onlookers below, blank and in need of something to help liven it up.

That’s what his freckles did, they brought life and light into him. He was still the same boy as time flew by, same messy hair, same eyes, same lanky body. But now, his hair was as wild and more memorizing than any astronomical phenomenon. His eyes were like supernovas, there was mystery in them but they shined brighter than an entire galaxy. His body was strong and it was perfect, the constellations couldn’t make as beautiful a pattern, even if they spent their entire lives trying to.

This boy had grown into a man before your very eyes and you were happy to have been able to experience it with your own eyes.

Izuku’s breath caught in his throat just like it did the first time you did this, and he saw your eyes mellowed agonizingly slow until his favorite part happened,

Your lips loosened, your smile softening till it was barley painted on. His eyes stayed trained on your mouth, and he felt a surge of confidence. He needed to know the answer to the question. He wanted to feel how soft your lips were, and if they were as soft as the look you were giving him. The question left him before he had time to think.

“Can I kiss you right now?”

You batted your eyes in surprise at the boldness of his words, and your body shivered with his husky tone. It was surreal, having the Izuku Midoriya asking to kiss you, but you were no fool.

“Yes.” Was all you said, voice so low he almost didn’t hear you. Almost.

That was all it took for him to lovingly cup your cheeks in his hands, his thumbs running along your face as you did to him before. He drank in the picture before him. Your eyes half lidded and that slight quirk of your lips was too much for him to handle, and he couldn’t wait another second.

His kiss was soft, his hands were rough, but overall you felt warmth.

Izuku put a light pressure, making the kiss slow and sweet. It was just a peck, and it ended all too soon for your liking. He pulled away and felt a shudder run down his spin, your eyes were still closed and your mouth was in a perfect pout.

He leaned down again, catching you off guard as you only just began to open your eyes. He kissed a bit harder this time, molding his lips onto yours perfectly. The stars danced behind your eyelids only reminded you of his freckles, and how right you were about Izuku being something out of this world.

Izuku was feeling the same, but instead of stars he saw the sun. He thought of you as the giant ball of happiness and warmth that everyone worshiped, because that is who you were. Now, he was holding that in his hands, and he was determined to never let you go.

You pulled back after a few moments to catch your breath, basking in his beauty and he in your light.

"What’s that look for?” You giggled at the dopey grin on his face, and he was pulled in even deeper by you. He held your tightly in his arms, his large frame engulfing you as you hugged. He was intoxicated by you, dare he say:

“I’m obsessed.”

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mollydollyjournals · 4 years ago

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Thinking about my lockdown goals still. I just weighed myself and I'm on track to be the same weight again tomorrow as I was today, or possibly a bit more. The only weight that counts in my charts etc is first thing in the morning, and I kind of take a moving average to account for fluctuations. This is just before bed so it doesn't count, but I can use it to estimate what I'll be in the morning. And I don't like it. I know weighing every day is bad but I can't handle not knowing, so I at least usually limit myself to once a day. I shouldn't have weighed myself. It might be because I just drank about 500ml so I'm more hydrated. I hope it's that. But it could also be the gain I was expecting yesterday that I was glad I didn't have, or maybe my body responded badly to what I ate today and I gained and have to eat less than I even thought, or who fuckin knows. I need to stop focusing on it and just make my plan and relax so I can go to sleep and then just see where I'm at in the morning. But my brain is a pos. So.

Anyway. Potential goals for lockdown 2, starting Thursday:

- Maybe a step goal? I would need to see where I'm at and then add more. I have no idea how many I do currently so I don't know what's realistic. So if I do this it might have to start later than the rest, if I get a step counter. I used to have a phone app but I don't know how accurate it is and I don't always have my phone on me. A wat h style one would be better...

- Drink celery juice every day first thing, at least 5x a week but preferably all 7. It's so much effort to make the juice and clean the juicer and all so I'll give myself leeway to not do it sometimes, but I should try to do it every day, no fewer than 5.

- Hydration: there's the 500ml celery juice, then I need to have 1l mineral water (I can't stand tap water), and in the evening I'll have 500ml sugar free squash or 2 cups of herbal tea. If I don't have the celery juice, I add another 500ml squash or tea. More is better but that has to be my baseline. I really struggle to drink enough that isn't alcohol or caffeine so this will still be a challenge.

- Fibre... I know this is a good thing to have and all but I don't really know where to get it from. Unless I do a bean diet. Which I can do but it's so boring and idk. Maybe I should try to eat at least one serving of beans a day and just eat as much as I can elsewhere. I'll think about this one tomorrow.

- Low impact cardio: do this for an hour when I get up, before making celery juice and other breakfast. I know this doesn't burn as many calories as high intensity stuff but with my health being so bad sometimes it's difficult to get up and do something proper without feeling like I'm gonna pass out. Sometimes I end up stuck in bed because my body crashes. So low impact is good, and I'd like to do at least half an hour assuming I'm able to, preferably an hour. I find this makes me feel better throughout the day because I haven't sat around doing nothing, and it does help me lose weight and my waist gets smaller. So this is one of the most important things. I need to try for every day, but will allow for one day off. Hopefully my health will allow that.

- Strength training I'm going to stagger. In wk1 maybe I'll just do a few sit-ups or whatever here and there. I need to focus on doing everything else and there's kinda no point me having muscle tone if it's covered in fat so it's not my top priority. Week 2 I want to do 2x butt and hip toning workouts, probably from Chloe Ting's hourglass program. In week 3 I'll make that 3x a week, and also add in 2x back workouts by BrittneBabe. In week 4 I'll do 3 of each. It'll be a lot so I don't think I can commit to doing it all from the get go, but I do want to get there eventually.

- Bike/spin: this will rely heavily on my being able to do it physically. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do it for or how often but I'd like to aim for at least 20mins per session, up to an hour; at least 2x in wk1, 3x in wk2, 4x each in wk3 and wk4. This can make me super weak and also it always hurts my butt, so if I need to not do this that's okay, but then I should do something else instead like another low impact cardio or a walk or something, and for longer than I would have been on the bike. I haven't done this in a long time so it'll be difficult but it's the calorie burn I want.

- Flexibility: idk about this one maybe 4x a week? Im so much less flexible than I used to be and I want to get it back, especially if I'm doing other stuff that can make your muscles stiff. I need to find a decent program. Will think on this tomorrow.

- Calories: I'll make myself a schedule with varying intakes from 1200 to 1500 in a day. I've worked really hard to get my metabolism up so I can eat that kind of amount without gaining weight, and of course now I've gained weight anyway for other reasons, but I don't want my metabolism to fuck up again any more. I wanted to go 600-900 but that's where it fucks up. I should still be able to lose weight, given where I'm starting and the physical activity. I'll adjust later if I have to but I think I should at least try to stay around that level. Idk. I'll probably have to adjust this as I go to some extent. The exception will be cheat days which will be at least a week apart - they help me break through plateaus and stay motivated etc so I have to have those allowed, but if I don't feel like I need it then I won't do it and I'll just save it for another time. Just always at least a week apart.

- Alcohol: this one is the most difficult because if it was that easy I'd just not drink at all. And various stressors make it difficult to go without. Sometimes alcohol is the only thing that can take me away from a trauma response or make me not want to kill myself or not feel as horrible in my body or any number of things. Sometimes I really just can't cope without it. But I definitely need to get more alcohol free days in and I won't be able to do any of the other stuff without it. Exercise is near impossible, I'll get sick and exhausted, I'll crave heavy foods, I'll need them probably, and my liver will just stop burning any fat anyway. I have to cut it back. I got to once a week a few months ago so I want to try to get back there. Ideally I want a 2 week break. Well...ideally I want to go the whole time alcohol free but like I said...so yeah. Currently I'm going to let myself drink on Wednesday if I need to and then after that it'll be no more than once a week hopefully. But the main rule is only if I really really need to. I guess it can coincide with my cheat days. Idk. Gonna think more on this too, and it'll depend on whether I get through the next few days etc.

It feels like a lot...it's not that I haven't done it before or done similar, but my health is so bad it's so much more difficult now, and I think I'll get overwhelmed if I do too much at once. I don't want to set myself up to fail. I hate failure. It makes me feel like giving up. So I shouldn't set myself too much to do at first,which is why I've staggered some of it from week to week. I also want to come up with a more precise margin for error with some of it, so if I don't feel like I can do it I don't end up feeling too bad. I have to remember that anything is better than nothing. And at the end of this month, I can evaluate what I managed and what I didn't, and set myself new goals just a little bit more challenging than these, and go from there.

I really need to lose weight. And I really need to stop drinking so much. I need to do this. I need to go to sleep now and get up tomorrow and spend the day and the day after preparing for this 4-week lockdown, and in going to try as hard as I can for those 4 weeks and then regroup. It's temporary. It's not forever. I just have to do these 4 weeks.

#weight loss #diet #november goals #lockdown goals #november 2020 #weight loss journey #alcoholism #alcoholic

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doctorguilty · 5 years ago

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ok you’ve all been waiting for it my thoughts on the sonic movie!!!

under cut cause long

so overall! I really liked the movie! I think it sorta landed pretty in the ballpark of what I sorta expected quality-of-plot wise and how much I’d be entertained by it. which is satisfying!!! I’m going to like, stream of thought this, starting with some criticisms which are gonna be kinda hefty cause im critiquing something I care about

so right away I really disliked the “record scratch so this is me I bet you’re wondering how I got in this situation” opening like I’m not sure if it was intentionally a self aware joke on that being cliche and dumb but it does like, really frustrate me cause my philosophy for most stories is Start your story where it begins!! which made the backstory infodump more frustrating on top of that, like, I think that’s an easy mistake to make to want to spill your Backstory right away but it’s not necessary! the audience doesn’t NEED to know immediately what sonic was like in his homeworld and his tragic separation from it. we already have the audiences suspension of disbelief in play because they know they’re watching.. a movie about sonic the hedgehog in the real world. I think the backstory stuff would have been much more impactful as a flashback later on, especially when sonic’s whole arc is how lonely and isolated he is. it would be a better punch in the heart to later on be like so by the way as a child his guardian probably died and sent him to earth for his own safety. so that was like AUGH you blew it

next up that i think was unnecessary like, completely, was establishing that sonic already knew the main cop guy and his wife (omg I already forgot their names..because they were not memorable but we’ll get to that fjdsg) and like, secretly immersed himself into their life that’s ?? odd to me? I think it would have been fine to just have sonic be like attached to the whole small town and he thinks the cop is cool and calls him donut lord, and that’s the extent of it like cause the problem is later down the plot when sonic finds out cop guy is leaving green hills and flips out about it.. I’m like, not sure if I believe sonic, immersing himself in their life, had NOT known that was a thing cop guy wanted to do like he NEVER heard about that??? but that’s like whatever

I don’t really like the cop guy as the protag human like. oof he was very bland and I’m trying to figure out how to put this into words............ I feel like a character like him isn’t someone the audience can really connect to. this guy has a virtually perfect life with a house and a dog and a job and a wife, his Conflict is that he wants to move to california and see more action and save people, but the WEIRDEST thing about it is that the prospect of leaving his little town behind isn’t really shaking him up at all. it shakes SONIC up later, but up until that point.... the cop just has legit a perfect life and it’s kinda sad because sonic appearing in it physically becomes something that immediately has the effect of “starting to ruin it” and thats why the cop is so like, mean about things at first.

see I don’t really like that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. if I were to rewrite this keeping the general ideas in mind, I would have opted for a ... paul blart crossed with judy hopps. a guy who’s life isn’t all in order, maybe not living in trash but he doesn’t have a wife, he DREAMS of being a cop and saving people, but he doesn’t quite have what it takes physically/mentally or maybe he’s too afraid to even try. he loves his rural town but thinks like, maybe if I move to the big city I’ll find myself maybe he’s offered a job there for something boring and is like resigning to a boring life idk there’s a lot you can do but you get the idea! a lonely underdog with big dreams. so when Sonic comes into his life, its WAY more impactful to paul hopps.....judy blart...... that Sonic pleads for help saving his life and this sudden adventure isn’t ruining his life either.

then LATER when we get to sonic being upset that paul hopps wants to leave, it’s less this awkward confrontation “how dare you wanna live your already in motion dreams somewhere ELSE because people love you HERE” (like .. oof bad take tbh) it would be a much nicer “why do you want to leave your home to become a hero when everyone here already sees you as one” and instead of the shabby like “well I guess I’ll stay because i crossed off saving someone from my bucket list” paul hopps would feel fulfilled he saved sonic and I actually you know what? I’d change up the whole scene with the turtle to be at the end where paul hopps becomes a cop in green hills and he like, saves a turtle crossing the road and is like! that’s what its all about being a hero! like thats cute and resonates with an audience, the message like, being a hero just means being kind and doing the right thing, which is way more suitable for a sonic movie when the sonic series has always been a campy power of friendship thing.

in a similar vein, the cop being a lonely underdog would give him a better connection with sonic, so that even if he was annoyed by him at first he’d later have the understanding they’re one in the same, you know? connections people!! themes!!!!

anyway but enough of that au

so the last thing I’m like iffy about is how robotnik was handled. like jim carry is funny and stuff but it felt like a bit of a mess like, this character is repeatedly reminding us what a hard ass I’M SUPERIOR THAN YOU MY IQ IS HUGE but then being super mega goofy, like I’m all for eccentric scientists but it felt kind of disconnected? and idk like not to be that guy but man.. i remember when sonic 06 came out and everyone hated how eggman was slimmed down to what he looked like in that game jfkdfsgksdj like my brain really doesn’t find a fully slender bodied eggman palatable like......... let my mans be fat ... WHICH tbh I’m a little nervous because at the end of the movie we see this implication that robotnik is turning more visually into the eggman we know with the stache and bald head but I’m worried they’re gonna also go with “and he also gets fat” cause I don’t like that sort of thing, you know?

i think that’s all for my major criticisms!! but otherwise like! the movie was genuinely really fun and goofy and it felt very in spirit with the sonic franchise!

if you read bogleech’s post I agree with him whole heartedly that this is the best characterization of sonic. it feels almost like?????? the characterization he was MEANT To have but he always ended up going TOO MUCH in the direction of confident and cocky and being too cool and successful about it? I love sonic with that hyper teenager-like personality, it’s incredibly charming and cute, like I never Hated sonic as a character but he was defs like... lower on my list of characters in the franchise I found interesting. I felt like I could connect with movie sonic a lot and like! i’d want to be his friend, you know? I really really want to see more of him like that!

I also agree big time that the movie had the best use of bullet time I’ve ever seen! I’m like omg?? WHY hasnt that ever been a mechanic in a game?

and overall just like the cuteness like............I literally almost cried when the little girl gave sonic her shoes like AAAAAAAAAAAAA WEEPS............ and the end with sonic getting his own room thats so super cute too!!!!

oh and the post credits scene with tails was SO FUCKING HYPE like, people in the theater audibly gasped and started being like YESSSSSSS tails looks really great!

so like YEAH dabs ,, being a story snob aside it was a fun and cute movie and I’m glad to hear it trumped detective pikachu for a video game movie I’m glad it’s brought some attention to the sonic franchise! like while it’s cool in some aspects that Nerd Culture is mainstream now, it’s absolutely exhausting the HUGE focus on that is marvel and DC and all that stuff........ like theres nothing wrong w/ liking that but its like.. hm.... idk how to explain it but................. as someone who was bullied a lot in school for liking things like sonic.. like I guess stuff like that people usually see as lame stuff for babies??? superheroes are more like, macho and palatable to adults?? it’s been a good experience for all my normie coworkers to ask what I did for valentines day and I tell them “I saw the sonic the hedgehog movie” and I BRACE myself reflexively to be laughed at but not a single person did they were just like oh cool! how was it? like it really makes me appreciate I got to at least grow up and feel a little more accepted!

so THATS my thoughts feel free to comment and discuss!

#seth speaks

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dxmedstudent · 5 years ago

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Ask me “when are you getting married?” one more time and I swear...

I managed to take a quick trip Back Home to the Old Country this summer for a family event, and it was lovely to catch up with some of my relatives. What’s not lovely is being cornered and lectured on the absolute necessity of getting married and having babies ASAP. It’s one thing to speak in vaguely polite blessing terms; Im not offended when relatives say something like “Next time we meet, I hope it’s a happy event, maybe a wedding *wink*”. I expect a certain level of people wishing vaguely positive things on us, and as the oldest daughter and oldest female in my cousin group, well, it tends to fall on me.

But several of my relatives really went overboard this time. No, I don’t need you to find me someone, you really don’t have to muse on whether I’m looking or you have to do it for me. None of these people ever stop to consider what I want in a partner, anyway, they just look to see if they have any single 30- something family friends they can palm off on someone. No, I don’t want your racist commentary; you don’t get to choose who I date. No, I don’t need you to lecture me on my biological clock, I’m a bloody doctor with a far better understanding of how my ovaries work, and how little time I might have left (see all my posts regarding thyroids and fertility). I don’t need a reminder, and yet people seem to think that I’m absolutely thick and need this spelled out every time they run into me, as if I’m incapable of making my own thoughts and decisions about my life. The older I get, the longer and more insistent these talks get. Some of my relatives can’t just say “Hi, lovely to see you, great party we’re having”, they have to delve into my life and give unsolicited orders that it’s about time I got married.

Like, they have no idea what is going on in my life. What if I’ve just broken up with someone? Maybe I’m in a relationship but things aren’t working out? They have no idea of the stress I went through with my thyroid. They act like getting married is just something you can click your fingers and make happen, rather than a decision you make as a couple if you find somene who also wants the same things and is compatible with you. That’s not always easy to do; it’s not about trying hard enough, there are a lot of factors that influence whether you find someone you can make it work with. I’ve been dealing with this since I was a teenager; it’s just gotten worse after I graduated, and I’m just getting tired of it.

I’d like to have a best friend and partner in life; someone I can enjoy spending my time with and support wholeheartedly through whatever life brings. Part of me wishes I was more rebellious, but I’m not. Deep down I’m a sap who wants to love and be loved deeply. But soulmates don’t grow on trees, and meaningful relationships take time and patience and a lot of luck. The more I date, the more I realise the magnitude of what finding a life partner means; it’s a big undertaking that you have to take your time over. You really need to get to know people in order to know that you can both be a part of each other’s lives to such an intimate extent. So quit trying to get me to rush things as if marriage is about cornering any old man who wants kids and a cleaner who’s willing to sleep with them; I’m aiming for something more genuine than that. And I won’t stop until I find something genuine and heartfelt. The thing is, these people will never let up unless you get married. Like, I have an older unmarried aunt who still gets hassled regarding not being married, and it’s just not fair. What gives relatives the right to think they can hassle her or me about why we aren’t married?! They really shouldn’t assume that people want (or need) to get married or have kids, but they also need to learn that it’s none of their damn business what someone is getting up to in their personal life, and whether they get married.They really have no clue what’s going on in other people’s lives. The funny thing is that if I were to get married, I know that they’d probably have a lot of negative opinions on whoever I ended up with, because these particular relatives are always pretty critical. Whoever I end up with will be too foreign, too tall or too short, too thin or too fat. Too poor or too plain. And that’s why they’ll never hear a thing about my love life. They have no right to an opinion on who I date, and if I settle down with someone, their opinion on that person won’t matter in the slightest.

#personal #my life

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ekkorn · 6 years ago

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hi there, just saw in the tags that you didn‘t like endgame. would you like to expand on that? i am curious to know other people‘s perspective. personally, i liked it. it has flaws, yes, but to me it was enjoyable. if you don‘t feel like answering, that is fine :) have a great day!

oh wow. you really wanna know? okay, but on your own head be it. :o

i’m just joking, i’ll go easy, or at least give you the digest (a vicious lie) version. if you want to see the full extent of my derision and vitriol, you can go to @lowkeysebastianstan, which is the blog where i’ve tried to limit this too. but to give you the not at all short and not so sweet of it, here goes. (endgame spoilers obviously).

the first thing that really set me off was the ending, more precisely, what steve did. it made absolutely no sense whatsoever, and hit me closer to home than most of my followers here since bucky and steve are my fave characters, and the only ship i really have. now, i never thought stucky would become canon, not even a little, i didn’t even hope for it. sure, the representation would’ve been awesome, but there’s no way marvel could’ve done it justice, so it was just as well it was never gonna happen. what i hadn’t prepared for was to what extreme extent they were terrified of the ship and the effect it would have if they were to let it be even a hint that could be interpreted as some emotional connection between them, for 3 films they’re built bucky up as the most important character in steve’s life, he’s risked his own life to save him, he basically eradicated hydra during wwii fueled by grief for him, he was prepared to die for him in tws, he fought his friends and gave up everything for him in cacw, and then he just? leaves? to be with a woman who died of old age and natural causes after a long fulfilling life with another man and family of her own. who specifically told him to fucking move on in tws? yeah, sure. and do not get me wrong, i adore sam wilson, after bucky, and the real steve rogers, he is by far my fave in the cap verse (saving a few spots for my bp and cm peeps in the mcu, but we’ll get to them), and he is the superior choice to pick up the mantle, no doubt about it. (okay, a little doubt, they teased sebastian with that shield for 8 years, they based bucky on the brubaker storyline where he becomes cap, and so i do feel a little torn bc no matter how happy he must be for his friend, and him and mackie are good friends, he must be a little disappointed? but who knows, maybe they’ll do something with that in the series, which would be stupid af bc that would negate the positive leap in representation, and mackie deserves it too, so who the fuck knows, i’ll probably not be around to keep track anyways, and can you tell im rambling), but for steve’s last words to be to sam? while bucky stands and watch in the background? like??? i could go on in (more excruciating) detail, but that was why i linked the blog, there might be a point or two about this on there.

but that was just the start. all through the movie i felt disconnected and uneasy, they made some really weird choices, but i don’t think it was until nat took the plunge that i knew i had an absolute dud on my hands.

the mcu has done a lot of things right, but their treatment of women is NOT one of them. and oh boy did they go out with a bang. first is the obvious implication, he got to live bc he had “more to live for”, and she didn’t have a family, and ye gods we know she can’t have kids, so why should she live?

(see, if the bw movie wasn’t in the books, i’d completely get it, if it was to give scarjo her life back, and she wanted nat to be good and dead, sure. actually, when i first watched it, that’s what i thought tbh, that the bw movie was cancelled, so. but it’s not, so she will return. and since that the case it’s just fucked up that they yeeted her off the roster. and sure, some of the bw movie was always gonna be set in the past, but tbh? i don’t see much point in prequels for dead characters, you know that whatever happens won’t affect the outcome for the character at all, and i usually find them completely void of meaning. that might just be me though). and of course the fact that she died the same way gamora went didn’t help. (gamora’s death was maybe the single worst thing in aiw, she was fridged, not for the advancement of one man, but for two (thanos and quill) and it.just.shouldn’t.have.worked.thanos.cannot.love! again, mcu and women? not a good match.)

then of course, it comes back to steve and how much he doesn’t give a crap about the people close to him in the present, we never see him care or grieve for anyone but peggy, and he could barely spare two tears for nat before it was all business again. and the rest of the team? i think clint cared a little, and banner threw a chair, but that was it. no memorial, not burial, no nothing, it was like she never existed, and she died saving the world just as much as tony, he couldn’t have done jack shit without the soul stone.

and speaking of women, shuri and okoye? before the trailer dropped i was sure shuri was in this, that we’d get to see her lead in her brother’s stead. i actually did a short lament on this already, here.

carol was terribly underused, after all the oompf about her being there she was barely a blip. but the haircut was fantastic, and the best part of the movie was when she returned at the end.

then there’s nebula and gamora (again). at first i was actually quite pleased that they sort of found a loophole to bring gamora back, but then i thought about it (yes, sometimes i get seduced by the flashy colours too) and yeah. sure. a gamora is there, but she’s void of all the things that makes her interesting and all her development is just gone, everything “our” gamora achieved and experienced is gone, three films worth of arc is worthless. so what then is the point of getting “her” back? i don’t care about this person, i don’t know her. are we gonna see quill just harass her the next film, bc you know, she’s been with him, so why shouldn’t he expect her to just do that now? tbh i wouldn’t be surprised, but now that gunn is back maybe he can save it? not that i’ll be around to keep track though.

then nebula. nvm that time paradox, that’s a whole other fuckfest i’ll get back to, but we had to get to see her get killed too, didn’t we. by her sister, the only person in the world she loves. fucking fantastic, i cannot control my enthusiasm.

and no, cool as it was, the a-force surrounding parker is not enough to bring this home. it was a cool sight though. (see? i can see the good.)

then of course it’s peggy. a woman he knew for a few months back during the war. (sure they knew each other longer, but i’d say, even if you’re very generous, they can’t have spent more than a couple of months in each other’s company, and they kissed once). who they stripped of all character development and autonomy so that steve could go back and get his “damce”. everything she achieved, every good thing that happened to her, her husband, her family, her advancement in shield, all gone. bc steve must have his happy ending, no matter that she told him to move the fuck on in tws, who cares.

and then there’s sharon. yeah, they forgot about her, didn’t they. i mean, i was never really on board with that, the whole aunt/niece thing was a bit too weird for me, and this was way before i shipped stucky, but that doesn’t matter. bc they did that, they had them kiss within days after peggy’s death (oooh, look how he cared for peggy), making it clear that this was the beginning of something. (also marvel and several of the actors treated emily like crap, oh yeah, i remember, doesn’t help either.)

(gods i said this would be short, didn’t i? imagine if i could’ve spent all the words i’ve spent ranting about endgame on my latest chapter? good grief.)

then there’s their so called lgbt representation. 30 seconds of a character that had a total of 60 sconds of screentime in tws lamenting his dead lover? well. i. they wanted credit for that. i just.

then there’s thor. they negated every ounce of development he had in ragnarok, this also goes for aiw, wasn’t happy about that, and made him completely ooc, he just spends his time drinking ab\nd playing fortnite of all things? bold of them to assume that will still be a thing in 5 years, but also? thor? THOR? neglecting his people? his friends? the world? thor? then they of course made him fat, haha, so they could add fat-shaming to the list while they make light and fun of his drinking problems, his grief and his ptsd. awesome. the funniest.

then there’s clint. that they just randomly made a killer? just, like a straight up murderer? okay then. and still nat deserved to die. excellent.

then there’s banner. okay, i don’t think they fucked him up as bad as the others, but it’s still strange he would risk his intelligence to become hulk full time, but you do you.

rocket and rhodey were the best things about this damn disaster, just putting it out there.

then there’s tony. i mean, we knew he was the main protagonist, and im not objecting that, (even if i think it’s really strange he’d be born in 1970) but idk. that was strange’s plan? all that for that? and pepper just went, eh what the hell, just die, i can raise this kid you wanted. (i know, i know, she’s her mom, she cares), but it was just so flat. and idk. i mean, rdj wanted his life back, just as evans, but i’d want to see that switched, that tony get to retire and steve sacrifice himself to save the world. tony could still be the deciding factor in strange’s plan even if steve delivered the coup de grace. at least he cared enough to show an emotion™when peter came back, which was more than steve bothered with. jfc they fucked up steve.

then there’s the time travel. okay, a few things about the 2012 thing. they put him in the elevator, and then, instead of having him just kick the crap out of the agents, they reference hydra!cap? the biggest shitstorm in the comics in the last two decades? like what the actual fuck? then of course there’s the americas ass thing, which, again, that’s steve, cares about his ass but not his friends! (but at least 2012 steve cares about bucky, maybe he’ll save him a couple of years early, back to the future steve will just live out his life knowing bucky is getting tortured somewhere in siberia, good times.) oh! and i guess they have their loophole to get loki back too, great, they’ll probably just forget that he’s not in the main timeline, bc who cares.

and the fun just keeps coming with the time travel. oh they tried with some crap explanation that no one can make sense of, but here’s the kicker. they can’t either, they don’t even want to try, they don’t even agree with each other.

+ +

how did they know to meet up in wakanda or wherever, the dustees? did strange send a memo? not just the ppl in the soul realm or wherever they were, but all the others too, like valkyrie and hope. time and place just magically popped into their heads? and what happened when they all came back? or some came back, bc obviously a shit ton of ppl died at the dusting, like the pilot of a 747 gone? plane goes down and such, ppl really dead. and where do they reappear? where they disappeared? aka those passengers that got dusted comes back mid flight? fun! and what about the ones that moved on in their absence? what happens to the ones that come back when their wives and husbands are remarried, when there’s no place for them in their old lives. did all of peter’s classmates get dusted, or did the rest of the class graduate without him, i must assume that all of those in s:ffh did, otherwise some would be in college by now, yeah?

and that’s another reason their watertight time travel is leaky af, there’s no way to get the logistics to work. the only option as such would have been to go back to 2018 and fix it, to reset time, bc otherwise there are just too many holes, it’s just not possible. but they can’t do that bc then they’ll undo all the things that happen in the future that the characters don’t want to lose, like tony’s kid.

oh, i know, it’s a superhero movie, but im strange like that, i expect a modicum of internal logic in all my movies, the bitch that i am.

okay, im gonna leave it there, ive run out of steam, and i want to gif a set. there’s a few things more, but i think you’ve gotten the gist, that i’m not a fan of this movie and a short (lol, so sorry, nothing is ever digest with me, i should’ve warned you) list of reasons why. honestly this is the first time i’ve really don’t a more general account, ive pretty much stuck to steve and that crapshute, there’s a lot of other blogs that concentrate on the other characters, i’d list a few, but i don’t have it in me rn, pop me a msg if you’re interested, also if you’re interested in some real meta, this rambling rant isn’t something that people should be exposed to honestly.

avengers: endgame was a shit movie and no amount of “he’s worthy” and “avengers assemble” is going to fix that, BUT if you enjoyed it, i don’t think less of you, obviously everyone is different, and i envy the hell out of you, i sorely wish i could’ve liked it too. the russos directed what is by far the best movie in the mcu imo, tws, and they had us all fooled, even if we probably should’ve seen it coming after iron man 4: civil war.

hope you’re having a spectacular day, sorry you had to read this if you did, and and thank you for making mine better, i really had a rant in me needing out. (you’d think i’d run out of hate for this by now, but nah.)

thank you for the ask :)

#whyisitsohardtogetoutofbed #ask #answered #anti endgame #i am sorry #i know it's awfully negative #but you asked #obviously you couldn't have been prepared for this though #so i am i bit sorry #lisa's crap #oh look a new tag #i refuse to keep tagging for spoilers #if you've still not seen it idk what to tell you #also the read more should be enough

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wakasagayhime · 6 years ago

Text

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult.

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly. but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after.

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017. the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame.

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day.

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself.

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.

#glub glub #suicide //#self harm //#disordered eating //#rape //

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tobesoeros · 5 years ago

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part 1 - 5 & 17!

17. Are you more of a sunrise or sunset watcher?

sunrise. i go on camping trips with my frat and i get up really early to always see the sunrise on the lake :)

you can’t make read mores in asks rip

PART 1. Ask me about myself…

1. Do you like the way you look?

yeah most of the time. i know i could look better if i put in more effort into working out and stuff, but overall yeah. im not completely mad.

2. Have you ever cut your hair yourself?

yeah when i was little my bangs were a shit show lkjdads

3. What’s your Instagram @?

mutuals can follow at @xsabrinalynn :)

4. Favorite console to play video games on?

i don’t play a lot of video games now, but i really loved my nintendo ds when i had one.

5. Do you collect anything?

all my tickets from flights, concerts, movies, etc.!!

6. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?

nope!

7. Are you a fan of bread and butter?

yes!!!!! outback bread is my fave

8. Does everything happen for a reason?

yeah.

9. What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you?

oh god. i accidentally texted my dad that i wanted to f*ck harry styles.

10. Have you ever almost died?

yeah. i fell off some stairs and went backwards, falling half way down the long staircase, but i grabbed onto the railing somehow. i know if i didn’t try to grab onto something i probably would’ve broken my neck.

11. Go-to ice cream order?

anything strawberry!! or taro!

12. Do you like your room?

yes!! i like my college and home now, we just redid my home room :’)

13. What do you like to do when you’re feeling stressed?

do nothing. sleep.

14. Who’s your best friend?

idk honestly.

15. Favorite animal?

cats!

16. Do you like to read?

yes!!

17. Are you an extrovert or introvert?

ambivert!

18. Biggest regret?

not confronting people in my past sooner. would’ve saved me my mental health.

19. Are you a fan of theme parks?

yes!! california adventure was the best!

20. Have you crossed anything off your bucket list in the past 2 months?

i don’t have a list???? but im doing everything i wanted to do this summer.

PART 2. Ask me if I’m a believer…

1. Do you believe in aliens?

yeah!

2. Do you believe the butterfly effect is real?

uhhh idk

3. Do you think love at first sight is legit?

yeah i think so.

4. Do you think we go to heaven or hell when we die?

idk im not religious so idk

5. Do you believe in karma?

yeah to some extent

6. Do you believe in witches and/or magic?

7. Do you think ghosts are real?

yeah!

8. Do you believe in anything mythical/supernatural? (Bigfoot, Mermaids, Vampires, etc.)

yes and no, like i want them to be real but i don’t think they are.

9. Do you believe in a God?

PART 3. Ask me about relationships & love…

1. Are you in love with anyone at the moment?

2. Do you want to eventually get married?

idk if it’s really the right person

3. Have you ever broke a friend’s trust?

yeah

4. What was your first kiss like?

haven’t had it

5. If a friend called you to help hide a body, would you help or turn them in?

god idk i don’t think i would do anything?

6. Have you ever had a crush on someone that, now as you look back, is completely embarrassing?

oh god yes

7. Explain your dream date.

a theme park.

8. How would you react if you had a secret admirer?

try to figure out who they are (ive had one and knew who it was lol)

9. You’re having dinner with your s/o, are you guys eating at a restaurant or having a home cooked meal?

restaurant unless they know how to cook

10. Talk about one of your favorite memories you share with a friend.

i got close with one my friends at a party and it was really nice cause we clicked immediately we’re really great friends now!

11. Have you ever secretly taken something from a friend and not given it back?

i don’t think so?

12. How would you react if a friend started dating your ex?

haven’t had ex’s so

13. Do you think any of your friends talk about you behind your back?

yeah

14. Where would you want to have your honeymoon?

santorini

15. Do you believe in sex before marriage?

yeah why no

16. Are you currently single?

yeah

17. Have you ever broken up with someone?

18. Have you ever cried over a break-up with a friend?

19. If you were in an emergency, which friend would you call first?

my dad

PART 4. Ask me about my favorite things!

1. Favorite feel-good movie?

to all the boys ive loved before

2. Favorite song from before 2005?

hey ya! - outkast

3. ALL-TIME favorite album?

god. probably i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - the 1975

4. Favorite actress?

brie larson

5. Top 3 favorite colors?

pink, blue, purple

6. Favorite book genre?

young adult

7. Favorite poem?

ithaka by c.p. cavafy

8. Favorite actor?

tom holland dakjsdk obvs

9. Favorite type of food?

italian!

10. Favorite pair of shoes you own?

my white leather converse

11. Favorite song right now?

senorita - shawn mendes, camila cabello

12. Favorite show you’ve ever watched?

bates motel

13. Favorite show as of right now?

good trouble!

14. Favorite quote?

“we are the choices we make. and have to make. we aren't anything else.” - chaos walking

15. Favorite thing to do when you’re bored?

tumblr, watch a movie or sleep

16. Favorite food?

baked ziti or arroz imperial

17. Favorite sea animal?

dolphins!

18. Favorite perfume/cologne/body spray?

elizabeth james nirvana white

19. Favorite drink to order at a coffee shop?

chai tea latte

20. Favorite person you know?

my dad

21. Favorite blog(s) here on Tumblr?

you!! @tomhollandcouk @parkerpete @parkerleeds @zendhaya @officialtessaholland @tmholland @akapeterparker

22. Favorite Youtuber?

mikey murphy

23. Favorite place to shop?

f21

24. Favorite book?

chaos walking series

25. Favorite musician?

the 1975!

26. Favorite city you’ve been to?

chicago!

27. Favorite sport?

american football

28. Favorite outfit you own?

my overalls with a simple t-shirt and my converse

29. Favorite app to use?

instagram

30. Favorite flower?

sunflower

PART 5. Ask me Would You Rather…

1. Eat a slug OR Eat a cockroach?

cockroach

2. Not take a shower for a week OR Not brush your teeth for a week?

teeth? gum right??

3. Cuss out your boss OR Tell your mom she looks fat?

tell my mom she looks fat cause she asks me this anyways

4. Fart in front of your crush (and they know it’s you) OR Accidentally sneeze in your celebrity crush’s face?

sneeze dkaskd

5. Jump off a cliff into the ocean OR Go skydiving and jump out of a plane?

skydiving

6. Be the girl who was known for eating her tampon OR Have everyone in your life legitimately hate you?

the tampon i think rip

7. Not be able to own anything that costs more than $20 OR Only be able to own things that cost $100 or more?

$100 more

8. Shit your pants on nation television OR Shit your pants at a job interview?

job interview shit happens lmao

9. Be famous while you’re alive but forgotten when you die OR Be unknown while you’re alive but famous after you die?

famous after i die

10. Go to jail for 5 years for something you didn’t do OR Get away with a horrible crime and live with guilt & fear?

jail for 5 years

#sabrina.txt #milesgmorales #ask #long post

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aalt-ctrl-del · 3 years ago

Text

As the days endure and Ukraine suffers this abhorrent attack, it only seems more and more likely russia dropped the virus.

I was telling a follower, that China - if they were working on some vaccine or weapon - would be very unlikely to have dropped the virus. They lead in PPE and medical supplies, the country has strict regiment on handling bio-epidemics, they have some of the leading tech in sanitation methods.

russia is a botchy - “we tough men know no fear, comrade.” Their lack of strategy, code and regiment, miscalculation, makes it glaringly apparent that russia could have fucked up a perfectly good bioweapon.

And maga people screm into the void - “ChInA DiDnT WaRN Us!”

You think if russia suffered an outbreak of fucking mysterious virus spread, they would go to the United Nations and say, “Hello, yes comrade. Is problem have for motherland russia. Send PEE.”

I would call you a nutbag piece of shit. You have no idea the capacity russia has for making people go buh-bye. The people dictator putin doesn’t like, they do a David Copperfield. You won’t see those people. Ever.

putins lack of standards and brain rotting stupidity can do at least one thing right. They can fucking kill people. And they can keep word from escaping the iron curtain. You think they’d differentiate from regular rhino and covid. No. Bet a lot of people could have gone missing without us going.... wut?

I know a lot of you kids are babies, and you don’t know russia has been a threat to the United States - to an extent the world - up until the early 90s. Let me do the math for you right quick. That’s basically, yes, 30 years we’ve had a tentative ‘alliance’ with russia.

Which boils down to, “They probably won’t invade today.”

Our relationship with russia, to putin, has always been a business transaction. Nothing more. We share resources, information (sort... of). But russia, at least let me clarify putin, he hates america. We’re stupid and annoying, and the only good thing about our country is that we breed the super variants.

And also we were so pissy about an election cycle, we put into office a stale marshmallow who could be gas lit, ego-stroked, and had the emotional range of a used tampon.

BTW IM TALKING ABOUT TRUMP. TRUMP IS AS TRANSPARENT AS NITROGEN GAS.

And this is not a conspiracy theory plucked off facebook. I’ve rationalized from Feb 2020 that the likely culprit of fucking bullshit global pandemic, if this virus was not a naturally occurring fucker from some stranded mine or the congos, could have realistically been released by some dumbass piece of shit.

russia comes to the forefront, because they have been super quiet and distanced and fucking shit about controlling their side of the pandemic, from day -58. And trump is

ALWAYS ALWAYS SO EAGER TO PASS THE BLAME ONTO CHINAH. HMMMM!!!!!!! I WONDER WHO GAVE HIM THAT COGNITIVE IDEA

Lets call a meeting and vote someone off the ship.

Then I said, off record and only to close family - because fucking don’t give people like russia spies ideas - this is a prime time for an attack on some country. The virus is a destabilizer. I said, hey, lets keep an eye on russia. putin looks sus.

Because putin was never an ally. He’s just a guy waiting for an opportunity, and an excuse. And trump handed the motherfucker a full banquet and said, “yus master. Harder.”

the maga people are eager to hold up signs and shit of their fucking fat goiter in rambo gear. awesom. trumps a massive tool. He a hoe. He calls putin a brilliant genius, becaus putin is willing to send troops and weapons to the maga crowd in the United States, if only to see these covid-rabid lunatic trump-supporters supply some fucking entertainment.

putin wants to watch the world burn. But he set his own shoes on fire.

#russia #putin #vladmir putin #dumbass #trump #maga #trump supporters #covid #wanna speculate that a russia virologist bet someone to snort a virus and thats how it all started #yeh they say its a flu and then you check our national library of medicine #and they have a report about the decline of brain functions for those with a mild virus covid #and you go... ooh...boy

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siegfriedens · 4 years ago

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“we’re alone now, you could kiss me.” +annamiles

send my muse “we’re alone now, you could kiss me.” for their reaction, starring anna hwang and miles im !!

If anything, Anna definitely had herself for a cursed soul, somehow still trying to find her way playing online games for a living at the age of twenty-one and managing to find the time of the day to make her life a complete, maddening mess. There was no possible way there wasn’t someone up there watching her make the worst decisions that could ever cross her mind and laughing very loudly at the sight. The Welsh girl was too young to figure her own life out, though she was forced to get her days going, reason enough to illustrate why the past year had been the worst nightmare to ever leave dreamland.

In just one year, there was no day Anna hadn’t thought about giving it all up. Her family and friends said she was at her career high, so young and already representing a big team, being the captain, even. She had followers, her numbers were out of this world perfect, she studied at one of the most well known sports academy of the whole country and she felt like complete piece of shit. When the tournaments were over and she wasn’t going on live streams for eight straight hours, she would cry over spilled milk for even more time. Her decisions went on like movies in her head, and she felt so, so betrayed that she even dared to think she was being punished for some mean thing she did in the past.

Anna was not the romantic type. She knew she had too much on her plate, playing League of Legends professionally at such a young age. Yet, it was almost pitiably funny how she ran her mouth not only once, but twice over the last year. Silly girl fooled herself twice and, even after some months, it stung like an open wound, bleeding out nonstop without any sign of getting better.

First, she was too ahead of herself. It called her and she gave in without fighting, powerless at the first notion of love she got outside her family’s embrace. Anna dove in head first just to get her heart broken after feeling used for both her body and her silly conception of love. It was probably dumb of her to believe it was love in the first place, but she believed it until the last second, until she saw him with another guy. Until she noticed he always had someone else, even when they were laying naked in bed together. Until she got awful, hurtful things thrown to her face. Until the last second, she believed her heart, but that guy from the football team made sure he left her with nothing but pieces trying to stick back to each other in a sad pace.

Then, there was another guy. He was younger, got her like no one else did and even played the same games she did. Anna liked him, of course, but was still heartbroken from the football player as the wound was still raw and it stung every time she still pictured them together, even though she knew he was a complete jerk. Those memories reminded her how stupid she was for believing her heart, for giving in too easily, for loving in the first place. Negative, hateful thoughts filled her mind and made her cry nights on, all night long. Even though she liked the new, younger boy that got her like no one else did, things just wouldn't and didn’t work out. They broke up just as soon as they got together. She felt bad for him, for she promised her love and couldn’t make it up for what she said. It hurt her, to hurt people, but she had been bleeding for so long she saw her sense of humanity dripping away.

Truth was, Anna didn’t allow herself to feel. She did it, of course, but tried to shut it down as soon as she noticed her heart skipping a beat or two. She turned off from the world completely and her life was nothing but a boring, repetitive routine. It sounded like she was a psycho, but being completely not human was her way to keep living. Anna knew that life was worth living and it wasn’t all lost at the age of twenty-one, so she was willing to try, even if that meant working her ass off like a madwoman and socially isolating herself out of free will.

Life was finally getting back on tracks when she met Miles. She was top of the league for once, had a wide number of viewers at her daily live streams and was still team captain, untouchable and guiding her teammates with great measure. It was right after some opening ceremony at the field, a place she wanted to leave as soon as she saw her past before her, but it didn’t take time for Im to have her attention and take her breath away without asking for permission. She lost balance and her heart skipped that same beat or two. She left as soon as their eyes met from across the bleachers.

And just like that, he was everywhere to be seen. They wouldn’t stop bumping into each other and, once again, Anna tightly believed she was being a fool for feeling, reason why she never brought it up, nor showed any kind of interest. She liked being around him, though - she wasn’t doing anything with the feelings she knew she carried, so watching his games and a little chatting would mean no harm. Also, being around him meant getting to know him to a certain extent. Even if she was not making moves on him, she wanted to know his favorite color, if he liked eating greasy burgers like she did, whether he enjoyed summer or winter better, if he was single or not. She didn’t mind hiding her feelings, though - he probably knew he was the one on her mind every night just at how she looked at him in the eyes, how she smiled at him or how she didn’t even care that he picked on her for the smallest things there were. Miles was not going to happen and Anna was somewhat in agreement with the universe on it.

As they grew accustomed to each other’s company, Anna ditched her late afternoon practices to watch him play the last few minutes of his daily practice match. She would always say it was just to make fun if he fell down on his ass or missed the ball, but she doubted he believed her lie. To be honest with herself, the Welsh girl didn’t even bother to keep the score. She was there for Miles and Miles only.

He was completely soaked in sweat once the match reached its end, reason why she pinched her nose as soon as he came near her. His team lost, and he owned her a big, fat bucket of ice cream. They were hitting the store just by the campus as soon as he was done fixing things back in the lockers, so she settled down on a bench by its door to wait on him. Of course, it wouldn’t be Anna if she didn’t threaten him on the spot. “You take more than ten minutes and I will leave your arse alone, boy.” She wouldn’t dare to leave him anytime soon.

Twenty minutes was the limit. Even when the mobile game she was playing did the job at distracting her from his long taking, she was anxious for their date, if she could call getting free ice cream a date. The hallway was already empty and she was quite sure all the boys from the team had already left, all in a hurry to relax as they could. There was no sign of Miles and, from what she could hear, the locker room was silent, completely. She shoved her phone on her back pocket before sighing one last time. Lord, this boy makes me make some quite awful decisions, eh, her voice echoed on her head before she got in the gloomy boys lockers. Anna wasted no time in calling his name, following his voice as he answered her in a heartbeat.

Before she could even get mad at him for just standing there, already fixed up but randomly going through his phone like they had no plans for the evening, her brows furrowed at his words. Not that she didn’t want to kiss him - she wanted to, badly. Anna just didn’t believe all that, all of a sudden, all in one day. She was speechless and there was no nonchalant façade that could hide her true colors. “I cannot believe you now, Miles. This is not funny at all.” Despite her own statement, she laughed, nervously. Anna folded her arms in order to look for some warmth within herself as goosebumps rose her skin when he stepped forward, subtracting the rest of distance that still dared to separate them.

Her curious gaze found his face, searching for some real reassurance that what they were doing was real. If she held herself back once, she felt as free as the wind at that very moment, caged by his touch in a no way out between him and the sink marble. With her hands still shaky, Anna hugged him from his neck, pulling Miles even closer but still hesitating when she was about to kiss him. She thought she was giving up for a second, but he made sure she stuck to her mind when he closed the little remaining gap between their lips. As expected, she kissed him softly, hands tightly wrapped on his neck as she smiled into the kiss every once in a while, giving herself no time to breathe nor think and kissing him with no intention to stop.

With one final peck on his swollen lips, Anna broke it off but didn’t go any far from his touch. She was still there, letting herself be held and even pressed her warm, small body to his, wishing he would never leave, wishing that moment would not come to an end. One of her hands slid up his face, caressing him on the cheek. “We’re alone now, you could buy me mango sorbet like you promised you would.” Anna spoke against his lips and smiled at the end. And just like that, she wondered how it would be to kiss him with the sweetness of her favorite dessert on his tongue.

#fauxpunkfatigues #𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬 › answered #𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 › anna hwang griffiths #* ♡ 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 › anna x miles #to my partner ♡ mandy

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ts-akhmim · 4 years ago

Text

Episode 1 | Part.2 “GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK” - Adam

GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK WHATEVER YOU WANNA CELEBRATE WITH GORLS BECAUSE WE DID IT!!! I've offically conquered my biggest fear of playing in any of these games for the third time in a row, i will NOT be the first boot! I also am keeping my own lil personal record of never having to go to the first tribal council of the season which is wig, although idk lmao i kinda wanted to go to tribal just because im gonna be honest, i want to PLAY the game. Right now everyone is still kinda in that annoying honeymoon woohoo go team phase, which granted I do want us to keep up for the numbers, but ... im bored. im trying my best to keep up and be in the social circle but i swear actually talking to other people is probably one of the hardest things for me, especially the whole call culture thing like oh gorl i dont even like talking to my grandma on the phone, like im all for group calls but when people message me wanting to do 1 on 1 calls? uh.... my commitment issues jumped out. I hope that doesnt hinder me in the game because im really trying my best with what ive got to make friends and hope people just dont hate me and wanna vote me out, but i still feel like im not doing enough. Maybe im just being hard on myself, ive been having good convos with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, kinda Austin too, but then i feel bad I haven't connected as much with Connor or Kendall, but i do enjoy them on the tribe. My strategy now is gonna be to just work on my social game since we wont have to go to tribal, maybe tone down my dying urge to just wanna strategize, especially because my first time i played i spent too much time talking game and not enough getting to know the people and it ultimately cost me in the end. But i'm also concerned no one is talking game with me really but amir and aj so like.... i literally STILL have no idea how half these people feel about each other from a game perspective, which is okay i guess ,ill be patient, keep my fake smile on and haha hehe'ing with everyone, but just know i have my knife in my boot and im READY to whip it out whenever. But not tonight, we did good, so now i can focus my energy back on this DAMN TOMB. see yall at 2:29 am on the dot!

YAY. I get to enjoy my first day off EVER in tumblr survivor. im so so happy even though i definitely overdid it in this comp and got too much attention on me but... whew. just gotta wriggle my way back under the radar now

So, I’m actually not surprised that we lost. I had a gut feeling that we were going to lose just based off of everyone’s activity and performance in the challenge. First tribal always sucks because no one wants to be the first person voted out. Luckily, I don’t think it’ll be me just because I think I have solid connections with everyone. Devon and I had another call where he told me I was his number one ally in the game. Isaac also told me that he and Trace want to both work with me. And I’m also in the DADS-R-US alliance with Autumn/Duncan/Devon. I have connections with almost everyone on the tribe, so I hope that after this tribal we don’t lose another challenge cause then that’s where things are going to be tricky. For this vote, I think it would be best for Bodhi to leave. He gave the worst score for the challenge, not to mention I really haven’t communicated with him much. From conversations that I’ve had with Devon, Isaac, and Trace, they also seem like they are on board with Bodhi. Now the next part is just to convince Autumn and Duncan to vote out Bodhi too. If it’s unanimous, it’ll show that our tribe is more united going forward. I think that’s the easy vote going forward, mainly because I think I have solid connections with everyone else on the tribe so I would hate to ruin those connections going into a swap. I have the DADS-R-US Alliance with Autumn, Devon, & Duncan. I like all of them so I’m glad it’s a thing. I feel like I vibe with all of them and it really solidifies that there’s a majority within the tribe. I do feel bad that Isaac and Trace aren’t in it, just because they’re definitely down to earth people. I can see Trace being a threat long term, so I mainly feel bad that Isaac isn’t included. I like the DADS Alliance, the only concern I might have is that Autumn/Duncan seem to be close so that’s something I need to look out for. Devon says I’m his number 1, but I kind of get the vibe that he might betray me around mid-merge just because it seems like he’s trying to play a big UTR game. So that’s something else I want to think about in the back of my mind. Overall, I feel like everything else is self-explanatory. I feel like after the first night, people just kind of got quieter and quieter. I’m hoping that everyone will be on board with voting out Bodhi and that I don’t end up being #blindsided at the first tribal. Cause that would be awful.

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Night number 3, ive done my research, studied up on my questions, i basically AM an egyptian now, only for me to get my ass back on the path to the tomb for the 3rd time, only to get all the questions right and see the pedestal is EMPTY. Meaning there's a few scenarios that couldve happened. Clearly I was too slow, and my honest hunch is someone found this damn thing night one, no one has said anything to me, and i feel like ive had decent conversations with the people i semi trust? My first instinct says it could be amir because me and him were both going non STOP on looking for that idol night 1 and then he never mentioned it to me again, which granted i didnt say shit to him when i found it so touche on that one, hopefully he has it and just doesnt want to tell anyone which i wouldnt mind, or aj could have it which i really would hope he doesnt and is lying to me about it because clearly that would be bad because itd make me think he wants to use it against me, but i dont think aj has it. Everyone else is a wildcard, I wouldnt be surprised a bit if connor or kendall have it, there's a reason to me why everyone could have it so im not gonna let it drive me crazy, clearly im just not in the know about it with whoever has got it and thats JUST fine and dandy.... I know how to play this game with or without idols in my possession, whoever has it might have a bit of a head start on me, but trust and believe it's only day 3 the shenanigans have just begun dahling. Now that just means I have to REALLY be on my A game, it'll be a bit of a tricky challenge navigating around the idol, especially in a tribe of 7, but much like everything else in my life, im gonna suck it up and make it work, so whoever you are that's got it, you better beware of me! Because now I know you got it! And if I got a lead that's all I need to cause some chaos, in fact I think im gonna go do that now, I wanna talk to everyone who might not have found the way to the tomb yet and let them know someone got it already, create some paranoia and maybe make sure the target isn't on my back but we'll see, like i said when i get bored i get creative

okay so i'm already really anxious KJLASDF. i really am mad at myself for getting the highest score in the challenge, that was so stupid. next challenge i somehow have to wriggle my way backwards, because being a winner with the highest score? what was i thinking that was suchhhh clownery ugh. well. i need to tone it down 100%

Deep down, I almost prefer losing the first competition for two reasons: 1. You can weed out the weakest member of your tribe (almost like cutting the fat off the meat) 2. You are able to test tribe loyalty from the start. If you win a bunch of comps and go into a swap with numbers, that's great, but you will always be itching to actually play the game. Those without tested loyalty will have a hard time adjusting against those that have been forced to play already. In terms of the vote, it sounds like everyone wants to take it easy and vote out Bodhi. That is fine, but I'm not thrilled about it. I feel like Isaac would have made a better first boot considering his messages are somewhat dry and he has more connections across the current cast. However, it doesn't make sense to cause a rift right now. Pending an idol play, this should be a remotely easy round for the tribe. -Slithers-

cast assessment: the brawn tribe is losers. who the fuck wins a challenge lol. fucking losers.

but i like ali and im excited to play with jordan pines. the beauty tribe is FULL of former allies of mine. Augusto, Connor, Amir, AJ, and whoever else? they're all people i've worked with (maybe aside from aj i dont remember tbh). So far I'd say im alligned with everyone on my tribe to an extent. Isaac and I have a night one alliance, but I think I have to cut him this round... Fuck. I love Autumn and Duncan, and I like Devon and Scott. Trace I'm indifferent to, and I'd be happy to see him go, but idgaf if he stays. Right now im trying to find the idol with isaac, while im not telling isaac that he's gone if he doesn't find it and play it. Ideal scenario: isaac finds the idol and we idol out trace 6-1 ( i want to protect myself from being seen as helping isaac).

Bodhi is driving me insane. First he blows the challenge and now he's like gone on a mad dash to get into the Tomb, which is probably boobie trapped to hell btw. I'm just kinda over him being here like he pulls me aside Day One and tells me he wants to work with me and then I hear from Trace that not only is Bodhi writing my name down but thinks everyone else is going along with it. I hope Bodhi doesn't have the idol; but in the event he does I'm thinking about throwing a vote on someone else to make it a 5-1-1 as a contingency. Bodhi if you read this I'm sorry buddy that you might be a 2 time first boot but I can't help you and I don't think I really want to. I'm just praying I survive this round.

I have not been the best in explaining myself in these confessionals huh… but let’s do a recap for y’all <3

Day 1 went by super fast but the good thing about my social game is that I do make a good first impression on people and I think that ultimately helped me get my footing so far? Within the first hour or so of talking to Kendall, she suggested we become an alliance. At first I was taken aback like MA’AM you don’t know me like that… but I of course said yes because why deny an alliance yknow? I do like Kendall though, so it was nice that she quickly decided she wanted to join forces in the game. Connor and I reconnected from our time in Socotra and we were dropping hints of protecting one another in this game, which was nice. Amir and I clicked INSTANTLY like it was insane how well we meshed together yknow? I would consider him my #1 ally so far and I know for a fact the feeling is reciprocated but I do wanna keep an eye out for him because he’s gonna be incredibly dangerous in this game. Adam and I also clicked super quickly due to our love of skinny legendt herself Mariah Carey and we are basically the same person. Austin and I did talk for a bit over our love of similar stuff which was cute. I had the hardest time clicking with AJ. Overall, I had 2 solidified partnerships, 1 unknown partnership, and then a good vibe with mostly everyone else. Day 2 was big to say the least! Amir had let me know that he was the closest to me and Adam during the beginning of the day. He later mentioned Kendall once the alliance was made. So for me, Amir’s connections are me > Kendall > Adam > Connor > Austin/AJ. Adam had told me that I was one of his faves to talk to so yay for that. Austin had also told me that I and Kendall were his faves to talk to. So… here I am thinking that I am doing THAT in the game ngl and then Connor asks me “lowkey like we’re gonna work together right” which I already assumed but said ofc. He then told me Kendall wanted to make an alliance with us two, herself, and Amir. I am totally for this as my 3 close personal alliances basically combine into one alliance which is nice. That being said, the others were trying to think of a fake 5th member to add and it’s a little early to quickly add one person to it. We need more time to feel people out and whatnot, but it did seem interesting that Amir suggested Adam and Kendall suggested Austin given what both had told me way earlier in the day. I would prefer Adam personally as I do feel like currently, Kendall is the most connected and strongest socially in the game just based on my observations. I’d love to think I am a close second but I could be delusional, I tend to be. But yeah, I’m finally in a majority alliance which is cute. And that’s what you missed on Glee <3

When I tell you that I am SHOOK that I didn’t lose this challenge like… I was expecting to lose ngl so yay for that! Especially since I was one of the top scorers on this challenge… I just hope that excuses my flopping on whatever flash game we get gbhvcnxm but yeah, the thot tribe lost and Bodhi… did so bad like SIR. It is very safe to say he could leave and that makes me sad because I wanted to reunite with him and do some potential damage. I do hope he made an alliance pretty early because Bodhi is honestly a very nice person so yeah. This tribe got told they won the challenge and disappeared like all I hear is crickets nnnn which kinda sucks but oh well. The shitty thing about me as a player is that I sometimes need a lot of reassurance so I just want these people to hit me up first and see what’s up. We shall see what transpires luv xx

The biggest headache of the season (aside from me) is the idol system like I may only have half a brain cell but I’m exerting all its power on trying to find this thing. The clue said to look around and I’ve looked all over the blog and NOTHING like… I do not know what else I could do and it’s driving me absolutely mad luv xx (‘: not that advantages do me any good ever but I just wanna figure it out ;-;

i’m me finding the link to the tomb right after submitting that confessional is a MOOD. k so i put the link in and sent it to the hosts, they told me that “Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb” and after that, the picture I saw had disappeared. So now I’m thrown in for a loop (is that even the correct term? ghfdjsk) because I think that the link/pic is only there at certain times and the first person to find it gains access? It is my theory and i’m sticking to it ofc but now what do I do with this information? I think I will sit on it until I gain access to the Tomb for the first time and then we shall see what happens.

God, I cannot believe we literally got our asses HANDED to us by the other tribes. I actually put a good amount of effort into this challenge so it was a bummer to see that not everybody could hold their weight. But actions have consequences so I guess it makes sense why we're here at tribal council. I really do like all of my tribe mates! There is not a single person on this tribe that I don't want to work with, which makes this whole thing very complicated. Right out of the gate, people were talking about voting Bodhi because of his HORRIBLE performance in the challenge. He came to me right away, calling himself an idiot and hoping I would pity him? I don't tbh, he fucked up and there is no fixing it. I am just kinda pissed because like I understand the concept of procrastination, but we literally had two days to do it and he submitted what, 5 things? Like get a fucking grip idk. So I want him out. It's not a fixable problem for him. I trust Isaac quite a bit. He is def my closest ally at this point. I also really like Scott, even though he fucking ruined me in Maluku. Duncan would be my 3rd. I proposed to them to create a group, and we did. I am hoping that this 4 will help me survive at least a few more pre-swap tribals, but I also feel relatively close to Autumn and Devon too, so really it could swing any way that we want to if Isaac and I are in trouble. Bodhi claims that 6 people are voting for Isaac. I could be that oblivious, but I think that Bodhi is going to get blindsided tonight, which is awkward because how could he not see it coming? Idk, the kid has got some blind ambition lmao. Let us just hope that Isaac and I survive tonight's tribal and then can really this misfit tribe to win a goddamn challenge.

So after my last confessional, the DADS alliance got on call and lowkey there was actual contemplation on whether or not we should vote out Isaac instead of Bodhi? This video below describes me in that moment

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So I'm trying to subtlety tell the DADs that I think Bodhi should go over Trace and Autumns the only one that agrees with me on this. Duncan and Devon are like "no we should keep him and get rid of Isaac" and I really didn't want to do that but at the same time didn't want to seem like a dictator. So I told them I'd vote out Isaac if they felt comfortable with that. We couldn't really agree so we decide to sleep on it and reconvene tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes around and Devon tells me he still wants Isaac out over Bodhi. I'm like "bruh seriously?" so I try to tell him my reasons for wanting Bodhi out but also tell him if he/the group want to do Isaac then I'm down for that. So we wait for Autumn and Duncan and when I get on the call they're telling me they're leaning towards Bodhi which has me happy cause it was what I wanted to do to begin with and I didn't need to make my arguments. We love having great minds that think alike. The big takeaway from this is that Devon is definitely lowkey shady since he was all about Isaac leaving before the call and then suddenly had a change of heart. Anyways, I reach out to Trace and I'm like "oh we're good with Bodhi right? and he purposes an alliance of the two of us, Isaac, and Duncan. Which has me thinking, this could work. I can have Trace and Isaac think they're in the majority alliance to ensure none of them play an idol if we lose. OR, maybe I could use them to get Devon out? So I tell Duncan that Trace wants to have an alliance with us and Isaac and he's all for it. We like being the Kim Spradlin of the season. But then things get shady because Trace tells Duncan and Isaac that I MYSELF purposed the alliance which is not the case. So now I'm on edge with Trace because he wants to build me up as the threat. So if we do lose, I also wouldn't mind voting out Trace and explaining to Isaac that Trace was spreading lies about me which I didn't feel comfortable with so that the alliance of Duncan/Isaac/I could vote out Devon should we continue a losing streak? The only thing I do know is that Bodhi is leaving tonight. Bodhi, if you're reading this I'm sorry for voting you out. You're a cool dude, and I feel bad for not talking to you much until you left. Also I'm sorry for not talking to you about the vote at all today, I feel bad lying plus I was lowkey busy with school work that I procrastinated and finals prep. The only thing I need to do now is figure out how the hell i get into the tomb?

okay so i'm not actually going to tribal but gotta make it all about me and do a round wrap-up? i'm already feeling like this might be my last game i forgot the stress of games. the main thing in this game is that i really like jake? he is SO much fun and i manifested from preseason that i would like him and it happened (i haven't told him i figured out he was cast preseason that feels like it would be too creepy), but i'm just happy i manifested him as a really fun ally and it came true!! i really like him and jordan. also my tribe is scaring me i feel like they want me out and me having an idol does not help with my neurotic panic nnn. for guessing who is gonna go home, i really hope autumn and isaac are safe, duncan too!! i kinda assume it'll be bodhi or devon just because they didn't do too hot in the challenge but we will see for sure

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https://youtu.be/LPplZtIK9KM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7EpyCcQVcM&feature=youtu.be

#BackWithVengeance

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shawnskeds · 8 years ago

Text

Intuition {S.M}

requested// imagine from Shawn’s point of view where you are best friends with Shawn and his family says you are perfect for one another and he should do something about it

author’s note// all my imagines are going to crap idk if im gonna keep up with this page much longer

masterlist

I loved her. I knew for a long time that I loved her, but for a good while I didn’t know if that was right.

Okay, now before you call my crazy, just here me out.

Haven’t you ever loved someone that you knew wasn’t the one for you? I know that sounds cringey and stupid, but you know what I’m talking about. That one person that you fell in love with, but they were so wrong for you, so unhealthy, even so mean to you, but you fell in love anyways.

Well, I was convinced she was that for me. I thought she would never feel the same, and I thought that she would never love me the way that I loved her. I thought that she would always just see me as her best friend who was always just there. That’s what she was to me until the eighth grade, if we are being completely honest. We were at the school dance and I saw her in that cheap Macy’s dress with the beads falling off of it, and I thought she was so beautiful. She had been my best friend for like, five years, and I had never seen her like that. Now that’s the only way that I see her.

And it’s been seven years now, I’m always on tour, and she was always with the kids she taught. She was a classroom assistant for fourth graders, she’ll be an actual teacher in a year. It’s kind of adorable. But we continue to be best friends. We continue to stay in touch even though she is in school and I’m almost never home. And I continue to harbor these absolutely disgusting feelings for her that she probably has no idea about. I’m pretty sure no one knew about them.

The weird thing is, there weren’t even dating rumors about us. We had been seen in public together a few times, and photos surfaced, but it wasn’t ever,

“Shawn Mendes and mystery woman???????”

Which baffled me to an extreme extent, but at the same time I’m glad.

I’m rambling, aren’t I?

Okay, so summary of the backstory before I get to the point:

I’ve been friends with her since third grade, been in love with her since eighth grade, she’s graduating college this year and I still haven’t told her how I feel, I do the pop star thing and we continue to be best friends, and I’m coming home for a month to take a break from tour and I’m seeing her tonight.

Okay, let’s get on with it then!

“I’m excited to see you!” She beamed. I could tell through the phone. She was excited. I hadn’t seen her in person in six months, and I missed her more than words could say.

“Me too!” I smiled, and I knew she could tell that I was. She just laughed a little, and I heard the line click off. I sighed and slipped the phone next to me as I placed my other hand back on the wheel. I was nervous to say the least, because I decided that seven years was long enough and tonight I would decide to tell her how I felt.

Or maybe I wasn’t.

I don’t know.

But I do know who to ask.

I pulled into my driveway, seeing the exact face I wanted to see. My sister, Aaliyah. I purposefully came home about an hour earlier than my parents get home, so I could talk to her before they got home. She sprinted to my car, waiting for it to come to a halt, and when it did, she ran over to the door waiting for me to open it, and when I did I thought she was going to cry when she jumped into my arms.

“Shawn, oh my god!” She held on so tight as I let out a chuckle. She was happy to see me, I was guessing. I was always close with my sister. She always knew what was going on. She always knew what I was feeling, and she got it. Sometimes even when I didn’t tell her. “I missed you.” I squeezed just a little tighter, and hoped she’d never have to let go, so I pushed the thought of having to leave soon out of my head.

“Yeah? I missed you too kiddo, but I need your advice.” I pulled back, my sister doing the same. She smiled.

“I knew you would. Come on.” She started to go inside, and I followed her. I just left his suitcase in his truck, knowing he would be back out for it later. I walked up the familiar steps into my house, my black boots clonking on the wooden steps. “I’m pretty sure I already know too.” She mumbled, walking into the house, the scent of home washing over me. It almost hurt that I had been gone for so long. I loved this place with everything I am. I instantly walked into the kitchen, seeing that oh-so-familiar tin of blueberry muffins, grabbing one, and sitting at the bar. Aaliyah did the same, and as she sat down she let out a sigh. “What do you need my wise high school kid help with?” She bit into her muffin, obviously incredibly content.

“Y/n…” I trailed off peeling the wrapping off of my muffin. God, I missed these.

“You mean your future wife.” She stated non-nonchalantly. I almost choked on that muffin I shit you not.

“What?” I coughed, trying to form words and get air into my lungs.

“Shawn, come on. You love her. Jesus, everyone knows. It isn’t hard to tell. Even my friends know. Like seriously, you don’t hide it well. I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t know.” She paused, collecting her thoughts for a moment and it caused his stomach to drop about seven stories. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt the same way.” That was seventeen stories.

“Really?” I choked out, not even trying to take another bite out of that muffin knowing I would probably die.

“Yeah, really. In all honesty, you really should have gone and seen her first instead of waiting for six a clock tonight and just tell her what you’re feeling. You’ve been harboring these feelings for what? Five and a half years?” She stated, still engrossed in that muffin.

“Actually seven but..” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Pretty sure she’s at work anyways…” I knew very well she wasn’t. I was honestly just trying to think up an excuse on to why I shouldn’t go over there.

“Fat lie. Call her, tell her you’re coming over, and then go tell her how you feel.” My sister basically demanded. All of the things that could possibly go wrong, or go right even, ran through my head at about a million miles a minute. No, more like a second. She could say no, she could say that she didn’t want to ever talk to me again since she didn’t want to have to deal with my feelings. She could laugh at me. Or, she could feel the same. She could jump into my arms and we could live happily ever after. And I’d really like to see the outcome.

“Aaliyah, I know I just got home, but I really have to do something.” She didn’t even say a word and I knew she was fine with it. I instantly got up from the bar and walked out of the door. My courage was rushing through my veins and I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t just go away. I instantly got in my car, put the key in the ignition, and pulled out of the driveway. My blood was boiling over with anticipation and in that moment I was so incredibly grateful that her house was only five minutes away. Because I was pulling into her driveway before I could even give it a second thought. I took a deep breath, making sure not to think it through again before I hopped out of the car and out onto her driveway. I took long, fast strides up to her front door, and knocked. She had gotten a tiny house of her own, only one story since she hated the idea of an apartment so much. I looked at the white paint that was chipped, most likely from the previous owner. It seemed like forever and a half I was waiting until I heard that door creak open. I looked over, her long legs uncovered since she was only wearing some pajama shorts, her arms pressed against the door frame, those only covered up by a long sleeve purple t-shirt.

“Hey, you’re early.” She laughed, and god, it was a heavenly sound. Her dark skin glowing in the early afternoon sunlight. “Wanna come in?” She asked.

“No.” I shook my head. “I just have to say something and then I can leave or stay or whatever it is you want.” I took a deep breath again, and she nodded her head, as if telling me to get on it with already. She crossed her arms and waited. “Okay well, so like this may be creepy but i’m in love with you?” She raised an eyebrow at him. “I am, and I have been for a while but I thought It’d just be better if you didn’t know but… But at this point it’s just sad and I wanted you to know I can leave now.” I instantly grew embarrassed and started to turn away, but I felt her hand wrap around my wrist and turn me around.

“God, it took you long enough. I’ve only been waiting for you to tell me since what? Ninth grade?” She bit her lip and smiled at me.

“Eighth grade, actually.”

author’s note// OH MY G O D ITS GROSS I HATE IT WHY DO I EVEN WRITE ANYMORE I NEED TO DIE NOT WRITE also i made the y/n a poc cause freaking every imagine is a white hoe and its sickening. cant wait to get triggered messages even tho theres literally oNE sentence about her being a poc!!!!! bye!!!

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