#im depressed and this gives me a will to live okay
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thewarmisice · 5 months ago
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I actually fell to the floor. Weak in my knees. Unable to speak. Words? Incoherent. Foaming out the mouth. Brain? Smooth. Truly beyond comprehension of man.
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girlivealwaysbean · 3 months ago
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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carp-esh-ove-lem · 1 year ago
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kit-katsuki · 5 months ago
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ohhhb venting...
#its getting bad again!#and i don't know how to talk about any of it#my brains main thoughts throughout the day are 'im going to fucking throw up' and 'i should kill myself'#the anxiety has been giving me legitimate chest pains lately (i think its the anxiety)#and i cant lie down to sleep without my brain going all ballistic and self deprecating#i relapsed sh again and i fucking hate it because i was almost a year clean#it got so bad my brother dmed me asking if im okay#i have to be positiveee this is a manic depressive episodeee i wont do anything permanent#i feel like im gonna throw up. and kill myself. i wont. but oh my fucking god i thought i was over this#i dont know what to tell my brother like do i admit im fucking losing my mind or do i try and keep it palatable.#like 'yeah ive been uhh convincing myself not to walk into the street on the way home wbu'#what even is there to say#i feel like im too much for what im worth#people care about me and it only makes their lives harder#people have problems and theyre all my fault#i wish i could just not exist. even if for a short period pf time#i feel like im bringing more stress and anger into this world than the good things that come of me#i feel like everyone that gives me a chance is going to end up hating me#i feel like everyone that loves me will only see who i really am and end up resenting me#i feel like i cant breathe without ruining something good for someone#im sorry#i dont think ill ever feel like im truly doing okay
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phagodyke · 8 months ago
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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great
#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks#when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks#unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future#well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives#and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid#ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled#sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway#at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way#anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work#and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine#i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me#half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it#i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy#jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet#hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire#.vent#hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time
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hylianengineer · 2 years ago
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I'm doing my fucking best but I have a mental illness that makes it hard to do everyday tasks and my best is never good enough. If my teeth are clean, my hair is gross and the laundry is pilling up. If I cook dinner I can't do homework or go shopping. Over half of required tasks are in a perpetual state of 'can't do it unless I'm desperate for food/clean clothes/my hair to not be an Evil Texture.' All the time.
This is my life and I'm sick of it. I want better than this. And every time I tell my therapist this isn't normal, she brushes me off. 'Don't define yourself by your illness' my ass. Can we not have an honest conversation about the fact that this is a fucking disability for which I assume accommodations exist?! Because thinking of it as a disability is the only thing that gives me any relief.
Calling it a disability means it's not my fault. It means the problems are real and significant. It means I deserve accommodations, even if I can't get them.
I know that diagnosing it as such might be more risky than it's worth. But in the privacy of my own head, I will call it what it is.
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bedforddanes75 · 5 days ago
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i need a shower for like 12 tomorrow and i literally dont get up until like 1 usually i feel like when you meet a teenager and piss them off about waking up late except im the moody bitch fucking teenager and im quickly getting more and more pissed off and so you tell them to do something and then everyones just fuming and its just a really bad vibe
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nightmare8-420 · 2 months ago
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im truly alone and always will be
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birbtails · 9 months ago
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#gods#im .. in trouble this semester#which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester#i stopped going to therapy!!#which i think i knew at the time was a Problem#but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester#to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess?#in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line#and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive#but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely#(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it)#(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility)#(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me)#so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life#im just.. so tired#i don't want to keep living like this#and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this#and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and#maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me?#but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it#gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im#worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay??#i don't know#and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and#i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close#to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life#im just tired and stressed and depressed#i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to#ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw
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chromxena · 10 months ago
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whats better than ruining your newly won healthy sleep schedule in order to 1. fight elizabeth too many times and lose the fight again and again (and eventually managing to beat her) and also 2. finishing p3re and bawling your eyes out
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firefly-fez · 2 years ago
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Any other ADHDers out there really identify with being disabled/disability but get scared to call yourself disabled around other people because you feel like yours ‘doesn’t count’ and it’s ‘not as bad’, and like, maybe you’re not disabled enough to have the right to talk about disability?
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haha its fine
#in my experience being open and honest about adhd as a disability#is beneficial to more severely and or visibly disabled ppl around me#because like if someone with ADHD who can reasonably achieve all the normal sociocultural milestones with working supports#who can probably learn to manage their disability mostly independently#if society won’t even help someone like me; if this common and highly treatable disability#can’t get access to help#then like#damn#if we can’t even do this for ADHD#how can we hope to provide lifelong instensive support for someone who might be more severely disabled#maybe if i call myself disabled its not taking anything away from ppl more severely disabled#but rather setting a standard#saying ‘no. you have to support this. this disability is allowed to take up space and need support.’#and every disabled person who stands up and says that#gives our ableist culture one less excuse#stigma affects different disabilities in different ways#but that doesn’t mean we can’t help each other#like there’s no stigma around taking insulin for diabetes (there are other issues that need solving yes)#but we don’t treat needing insulin for diabetes as wrong the way we treat taking meds for depression and or anxiety as wrong#for every person with insulin that says ‘this is the same. we need meds to live we deserve those meds and i stand with you.’#doesn’t that help?#okay clunky analogy but i hope you know what i mean#if we say ‘i am allowed to need support and i don’t deserve to have to compensate for my disability because it’s not a flaw to be overcome’#than that’s helpful right#because even if im right in the belief that others are more severely disabled for valid reasons#as opposed to continuing to underestimate the impacts of my own disability - realising you have a disability all along and didnt know it is#a helluva TRIP yall#but anyway even if genuinely someone has a more severe disability and requires more intensive support#a world that doesnt help me certainly isnt going to help them#but if i stand up and say i deserve help and so do they…..maybe we change the standard. maybe we get a little bit better
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taeyongdoyoung · 5 months ago
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daddy's home
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summary: boyfriendless, jobless and hopeless, you rush to take the first opportunity you find, which is a nanny position. but the kids are not the only ones you grow fond of... pairing: seungcheol x reader genre: fluff, smut, single dad x nanny AU warnings: kids (triggering, i know), age gap (unspecified), mentions of past cheating, abandonment issues, potential therapy, male masturbation, confessions, blowjob, kissing, eating out, protected sex (unbelievable), dirty talk, size kink, pet names (sweetheart, angel, darling, little girl), sir+daddy kink, unprotected sex (with baby-making goal), breeding kink, creampie, more kids (sorry im ovulating) author's note: this is loosely based on the sitcom the nanny in that there's a single dad with three kids but minus the dead wife trope cuz that's too depressing for my tastes word count: 4.3k
You are desperate. Your shitty boyfriend cheated on you, broke up with you and you also lost your job. So it’s been a couple of terrible weeks. Now, you would take pretty much any kind of job as long as it pays enough for you to afford food and the bills. ASAP.
Single dad looks for a live-in nanny for his three kids. Full-time with Sundays off. Contact this number for more details.
Okay, truth be told, you’ve never considered yourself as someone who is good with kids. But how hard can it be? Have you mentioned you’re desperate?
“Listen, Miss L/N,” Mr. Choi, your potential future employer starts. “I appreciate your enthusiasm but I’m not just going to hire you. I’m looking for someone with experience.”
“Well, I have a bunch of nephews, if they turned out alright under my care, then I guess that counts for something,” you chuckle.
“That’s very nice but I’m talking about professional experience. Have you been a nanny before?”
“Technically, no, but how can I get experience if you won’t hire me?”
“Touché,” Mr. Choi laughs.
“How about a trial period? Let me spend some time with your kids under your supervision and prove myself capable.”
Mr. Choi nods reluctantly.
“Well, you’re in luck since my little goblins have driven away five nannies in the past month.”
Oh, dear. Five nannies…And here you were thinking this could be an easy job.
“So, what’s one more?” you chuckle nervously and Mr. Choi shakes your hand, agreeing to give you a chance.
You are excited when meeting his kids. The eldest daughter - Chaerry is 15, very elegant and polite. You think that you’ll have no problems with her and you’ll have lots to talk about. The middle child and only son - Dino is 10, extremely mischievous and loud. You’ll definitely have problems. Finally, the youngest daughter, Elsie, is 5, she’s such a cutie but leaves a mess of her toys everywhere she goes. It’s easy to trip if you’re not careful, but nothing you can’t handle.
The trial period goes by in a flash. Dino attempts to get on your nerves by pulling pranks like hiding fake spiders in your bag and spraying your outfit with ketchup, but you accept all that with an easygoing laugh. Elsie constantly asks you to play with her toys and you need an unlimited source of ideas to keep up with her wild imagination, but it feels more like fun than a job. Chaerry is quiet and doesn’t share much at the beginning but eventually tells you about this boy at school she has a crush on. So, you count that as a success.
“I must admit, Miss L/N, I had some worries at first but seeing how quickly my kids accepted you is remarkable,” Mr. Choi shares his observations with you at the end of the trial period.
“So, am I hired, then?” you beam with excitement.
“Absolutely, yes. The kids have taken a liking to you and changing nannies so often is probably not great for them, either.”
“So true. Kids need stability and I would be happy to stick around for as long as you’ll have me, Mr. Choi,” you are thrilled not only because you will have a bed to sleep, food to eat and money to spend, but because you are genuinely looking forward to spending more time with these little munchkins.
And spend time with them you do. You're not sure what exactly it is that makes the kids warm up to you, but whatever the reason, it's working.
With Chaerry, you talk about boys and high school drama and make-up. On one occasion, she tells you something that sincerely touches you.
“Thank you for being my best friend, Y/N. I know I shouldn't keep stuff from my dad, but he can be so overprotective sometimes it's difficult to talk about...well, going on dates with boys, mostly.”
“Aww, Chae, you can tell me anything. It'll be our little secret,” you give her a wink, followed by a hug.
You're not exactly sure what the correct response here is. But you'll make sure to maintain some kind of balance - both look after her safety so that Mr. Choi sleeps peacefully at night and not betray Chaerry's trust in you.
With Dino, after the initial phase of silly pranks passes, you notice that he's become more honest and calm.
“You won't leave us like our mom and all the other nannies did, will you?” he asks you one afternoon as you're watching TV together.
You haven't asked Mr. Choi what exactly happened with these kids' mother because frankly, it's none of your business, but something is telling you they're a lot more hurt than they let on.
“I'm not going anywhere, Dino,” you promise, though really, it's up to Mr. Choi to decide that.
“Good. It would really suck if you left.”
That's a lot, coming from the kid who damaged like half of your wardrobe with all kinds of sauces.
With Elsie, another strange situation takes place due to the fact that the kid has no filter.
“Let's play family!”
“Um, okay,” you agree without thinking much.
“This will be daddy,” Elsie points at a stuffed lion plushie and then grabs a tiger plushie, “And this is you, mommy!”
“Oh, honey. I'm not your mommy,” you try to explain as gently as possible.
“But can you be? Daddy says our mommy left and has a new family somewhere else.”
Okay, that's a lot to unpack here. Though you don't think it is your place, you'll need to have a conversation with Mr. Choi, because the kids obviously have some kind of unresolved trauma...
One evening, after the kids have gone to sleep, instead of going to your room, you wait in the living room for your employer to come back from work, so you can approach the subject as delicately as you can.
“Good evening, Miss L/N. Kids go to bed?” he greets you as he takes off his coat.
“Evening, Mr. Choi. Yes, they did. I was wondering if we can have a chat. It can be a sensitive topic, I'm sure, but for the sake of the kids, I think it's important.”
Mr. Choi nods and takes a seat next to you on the couch.
“About their mother...”
“I was wondering how long it'd take you to bring that up,” he chuckles bitterly. “Other nannies wanted me to spill the tea on day one.”
“Wow, seriously?”
“It's not like it's this big secret, I just prefer not to talk about it unless absolutely necessary. My ex-wife...cheated on me and got pregnant by another man, so we had a divorce and I kept the kids, because she said she wants to start anew with this other guy, and...well, the kids said this is their home and that they won't move. So, I suppose the judge took that under consideration.”
“My God. I had no idea.”
“You couldn't have known, considering I just said I don't enjoy revisiting those painful memories.”
“Yes, of course, I only meant that...I guess it explains some things. Forgive me for saying this, but I think the kids have some kind of abandonment issues. Elsie and Dino, in particular, they seem to have a fear that I'll leave just like...well, their mom and the other nannies.”
“And are you? Leaving, I mean.”
“Not if I can help it. Mr. Choi, your kids are very vibrant and precious to me. I genuinely love my job. But I'm worried that what happened with your ex-wife affected them more than they show. Maybe you should look into therapy?”
“I will definitely take that into consideration. Thank you for your candour, Miss L/N.”
“You're most welcome.”
“What about Chaerry?”
“What about her?”
“You said that Elsie and Dino express these abandonment issues. Does Chaerry not have them?”
“She probably does, but at the moment she's too busy thinking about boys.”
“Boys? At her tender age? I don't think so,” Mr. Choi immediately goes into ultra alpha protective dad mode and you honestly find it kind of funny. And hot.
“Oh, relax, Mr. Choi. It's just typical high school drama. There's nothing to be worried about.”
He shakes his head disapprovingly.
“I'm counting on you. Does it ever occur to you how quickly they grow up?”
“I suppose it's more difficult for you. I've only known them for a few months but I think I get what you mean.”
“Yeah...How strange, it feels like you've been part of this family forever.”
You try not to think too deeply about it. He...considers you part of this family. Elsie called you mommy. Dino doesn't want you to leave. And Chaerry talks to you about boys. A topic, which girls usually discuss with their mothers. Oh, sweet heavens. Maybe, this nanny gig is becoming more than a job...
One Monday Mr. Choi texts you not to come to work this Saturday, as the kids will be spending some time with their grandparents (aka Mr. Choi's parents). However, the moment you receive the text, you're too busy trying to escape from Dino who is chasing you with a water gun in the garden. So, you somehow forget to put it down in your calendar.
Saturday arrives and poor Mr. Choi thinks you'd be in your own apartment. Finally, some peace and quiet. His parents picked up the kids early in the morning to go to the park with them so he's all alone and free to do as he pleases.
But alas, you go down the stairs of Mr. Choi's enormous house and make your way to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast for the kids. However, it's too quiet. Hm, how strange. Maybe, they're not awake yet? You shrug as you pour some milk and cereal in a bowl.
Oh, you hear some noise from the living room. Is that the TV? Your curiosity gets the better of you and you enter it only to find Mr. Choi in a very compromising position. He is touching himself, watching very obscene things on the big screen!
You are on the verge of chastising your boss for doing something like that in the living room, where the kids could walk in any minute, when you remember. The kids...They're with their grandparents today. Which means that...Fuck, you're not supposed to be here. You should be at your own apartment instead of being witness to...your very sexy and very single employer taking care of his needs.
You are going to sneak back into the kitchen and wait for a more appropriate time to leave the house when you hear it. At first you think you're hallucinating but then you hear it twice. Your name.
“Y/N...please, let me-” Mr. Choi moans, his eyes closed, he is unaware of your presence.
However, he doesn't get to finish his sentence because you are so shocked that you drop the bowl of cereal, which shatters on the ground with a loud noise.
“Fuck, I'm so so sorry,” you murmur nervously as your boss finally notices you watching him.
His cheeks flushed, his lips pouting, he is the most adorable you've ever seen him. He hurries to tuck his cock back into his pants and turn off the TV.
“N-no, I'm sorry...Miss L/N, what are you doing here?”
Oh, so you're Miss L/N now...Very well, then.
“I apologize. It must have slipped my mind that the kids are with their grandparents today.”
“It must have,” Mr. Choi repeats coldly, obviously embarrassed by this situation.
You wonder if you should tell him what you heard. Would that be unprofessional? But then again, he is the one who said your name, so...what is professional anyway?
“Do you want me to leave?”
He sighs deeply.
“What's the point? You already saw me...fuck, I feel so humiliated.”
“Why would you feel humiliated? Am I so undesirable that my presence immediately turned you off?” you ask bluntly.
“That's not the case and you know it.”
“I'm not sure I know anything anymore,” you admit. “You...said my name. How is that supposed to make me feel?”
“You were never meant to hear that,” Mr. Choi hides his face behind his hands, the redness refusing to leave his complexion.
“But I did. So, what now?”
“Please, don't quit. I realize that what I did is unforgivable but...the kids care about you so much, it would devastate them to lose you.”
“I wasn't even thinking of quitting. But...are the kids the only ones who care about me?” you need to know.
“No...As it so happens, I care about you.”
“So, stop hiding from me,” you don't know where that boldness comes from as you grab his wrists and remove his hands, so you can look at his face. Fuck, he's so pretty.
“You're not...grossed out by me?” Mr. Choi blinks at you in surprise.
“Kinda flattered, actually,” you confess. “But I'd like it much better if you let me take care of your frustrations.”
“You would?” he is unable to believe his luck when you drop on your knees in front of him and take him out of his pants again, engulfing his cock with your pretty mouth. “Y/N...”
The way he says your name is enough to make you even more enthusiastic, sucking him deeper and bobbing your head to the best of your abilities. He grips your hair tightly and you make sure not a drop is spilled as you swallow his cum down your throat. You wipe off your lips and sit down next to him, unsure of what to do next.
“Mr. Choi...”
“Call me Cheol, please.”
“Cheol...may I kiss you?”
Seungcheol doesn't respond and instead kisses you passionately, grabbing your face with his hands. His tongue is exploring your mouth in ways you'd never imagined could bring so much pleasure and you can't resist the urge to sit in his lap. Somehow, against all reason, he's hard again, as you grind against him. Fuck. He's so hot and sweet and amazing you just want to make him happy. How anyone could cheat on this fine man is beyond you.
“Um...not to assume or anything, but do you have a condom?” you ask sheepishly.
“I do, yes,” Seungcheol goes to his coat and brings a package.
“I mean, don't get me wrong, I love kids, but I think we should be responsible considering this is our first time together and you already have three of your own,” you're probably talking too much but oh well. Better safe than sorry.
“No, I understand. You're totally right.”
“Will you fuck me?” you inquire.
“Here? On the couch?” Seungcheol is in disbelief.
“Well...you were touching yourself here, but I guess it's whatever. Your home, after all.”
He chuckles, suddenly embarrassed again.
“Come on, let's go to my room.”
Seungcheol offers you his hand and you follow him upstairs excitedly. Is this really happening? Are you seriously going to do this with your boss?
He lifts your chin up because he notices you're not meeting his eyes out of nervousness.
“Look at me,” he commands you easily and you're on the verge of falling apart and he hasn't even undressed you yet. The power this man holds over you... “We don't have to do this if you're not ready.”
“It's not that. I do want this. It's just...I don't remember if I told you but I was also cheated on. A little before I came to work here. And like, I haven't been intimate for a while, so I'm nervous. What if I mess something up?”
“Okay, first of all, give me that asshole's address, I just wanna talk. And second of all...darling, I haven't been intimate since way before my divorce took place. Trust me, I'm a lot more nervous than you right now.”
You shake your head.
“Whatever you do, I'm sure I'll find it like super hot.”
Seungcheol laughs and tilts his head, kissing you again.
“You're so cute,” he whispers against your mouth. “I can't wait to ruin you.”
And just like that, it's as if a switch is flipped. He pushes you onto the bed and leans above you menacingly, a devilish smirk painting his pretty face. Seungcheol pushes your dress up hurriedly, touching you all over.
“You really thought you could get away with it, huh? Walking around my house in those dresses of yours looking so sexy? Tempting me?”
“N-no, s-sir,” you murmur, not knowing where the title is coming from.
“God, I'm such a cliché. An old man unable to resist the gorgeous young nanny...”
“You're not old, sir,” you try to reassure him. You're not sure if he's just engaging in dirty talk or is actually having some insecurities. He's still young in your eyes. Whatever the case, you're there for him.
“Don't lie to me, sweetheart. I'm too old for ya...I have three kids. What do you have, hm?” Seungcheol speaks while caressing your pussy through your panties.
“I have you, sir,” you smile and palm his dick teasingly.
He sighs wistfully and buries his head between your folds, licking and teasing until you're a soaking mess for him.
“S-sir, p-please...C-cheol, don't stop,” you cry out helplessly.
It feels so good, too good. He holds you down, hands gripping your thighs as you cum against his tongue. He barely gives you any time to recover as he rolls up a condom on his cock. You stare at him hungrily, impatient to have him inside of you.
Seungcheol is like the drug everyone warned you about. Once you have him, you won't be able to quit.
“Are you ready?” he asks softly in sharp contrast with his previous behaviour.
“Please take me, Cheol,” you would beg if you had to.
And take you he does, entering you deeply with his big cock.
“Fuck, you're so tight, barely fitting me in,” he speaks, stroking your clit in circular motions with his thumb, while he fucks you harshly.
“It's okay, I won't break, sir,” you try to convince him.
“What if I want you to break, little girl?” Seungcheol inquires, his voice half-joking, half-serious, as he.
“Then, I'd be happy to serve you, daddy,” the word slips from your lips before you could think twice about it.
“Daddy, huh? You need daddy to make you cum?” you are grateful he plays along instead of making fun of you in this very vulnerable moment.
“Yes, daddy, please, I'll do anything for you,” you promise in a daze.
“Cum for me, sweet girl, let daddy take care of you,” his deep voice is enough to bring you to the edge.
“Fuuuck, daddy...Cheol,” you mumble repeatedly, as white appears before your eyes.
You're shaking in his arms but it feels like flying.
“I've got you, angel, daddy's right here,” Seungcheol comforts you, as he rides out his own high, spilling inside the condom. Then, taking it off and throwing it in the garbage bin, he hurries back to you.
You make grabby hands at him and he envelops you in a hug.
“I'm here, sweetheart,” he kisses your forehead gently and you melt against his chest.
“Cheol...I think you just murdered me a little,” you laugh.
“Well, then, I better make sure I revive you, because I can't imagine my life without you.”
“Good. You ain't getting rid of me.”
“That sounds perfect because me and the kids would like you to stick around.”
“Oh God, the kids! What time are they coming back?”
“We've got time, don't worry, they should-”
“Daaaad, we're home!” you hear Dino's loud voice from downstairs.
“Fuck,” Cheol curses under his breath and the two of you hurry to make yourselves look somewhat presentable.
Once dressed and back in the living room, you can only hope that you're not too obvious about what went down. However, you can't stop yourself from glancing at Seungcheol and he's just as flustered as you.
“Oh, hi, Y/N,” Dino greets you as if it's completely normal for you to be there. As if you belong.
“How was your time with your grandparents?” you ask, trying to act casual.
“We had so much ice cream!” Elsie squeals excitedly.
“Grandma and Grandpa took us to the park,” Chaerry starts telling you about everything they did in great detail and you are glad that the shy girl you first met is becoming a confident young woman.
Elsie is asking for more ice cream but Seungcheol is explaining that it's lunch time. Dino is painting the table with mustard and honestly, that's so on brand for him...
It is funny where desperation brought you. You realize this is the happiest you've been in a while.
Later, when Seungcheol catches you alone after spending the afternoon with the kids, he asks:
“I know we kinda messed up the proper order of things, but...would you like to go on a date with me?”
“Oh! I'd love that, Cheol. Is it okay to still call you that?”
“Yeah, it's alright.”
“What about in front of the kids? I'm not sure to what point you'd like to mix professional with...personal life.”
“In front of the kids is okay, too,” he laughs, scratching the back of his head. “Actually, do you know what Elsie keeps asking me?”
“What?”
“When will you make Y/N my new mommy?”
“Yeah, that definitely sounds like something Elsie would say.”
“So, um, no pressure. But I think you're more than the nanny to me.”
“Well, I would certainly hope so. I didn't raise you, mister!”
Seungcheol can't miss the opportunity for a joke. He takes hold of your hand and places it on top of his...very hard dick.
“You raised him, though,” he whispers.
“Mr. Choi!” you hiss, scandalized. “I mean...Cheol.”
“Did you mean daddy?” Seungcheol teases you relentlessly.
“Stop it, you deviant!” you shake your head. “Fuck, you'll never let me live this down, will ya?”
“Do you kiss your boss with that mouth?” he smirks.
“Don't mind if I do,” you reply and bring your lips to his.
A year passes by quickly. You love every day of your life. Whether it'll be spending time with the kids, or going on fun dates with your boss turned boyfriend, or having mind-blowing sex with said specimen, you are truly happy with how things turned out for the best.
With one tiny thing missing.
“Cheol, can I ask you something?” you mumble one evening, as you are playing with his soft, fluffy hair.
“Of course, sweetheart,” Seungcheol turns towards you, giving you his fullest attention.
“Have you ever thought about having more kids?”
“Hmm, it hasn't crossed my mind. I already have three kids. But it depends. Is that something you're interested in?”
“Not till now. But if it's with you, I'd love to have a kid,” you confess shyly.
“Well, then, let's make you a mommy,” Seungcheol quickly makes it his mission and for the first time, doesn't use a condom.
“Yes, please, daddy, give me your cum,” you moan wantonly, as he fucks you deep.
“Take it like the good girl you are, I'll give you all I've got, fuck a baby in ya,” he grunts in your ear, sounding even more excited than you are.
“I love it, feel so full,” you whimper and can't stop kissing him. You can't believe this beautiful man is yours and wants to give you another present.
“That's right, sweetheart, I'll stuff you full of it,” he moans and releases himself inside you. Your walls clench around him, pulling him deeper, as you reach your high.
Seungcheol gently pushes the cum that's spilling out of your pussy back inside and lifts your legs up.
“Do you think it'll stick?” you ask doubtfully.
“Can't hurt to try again until it does,” he shrugs, determined to succeed.
Nine months later, as you welcome the twins into the family, you realize you've never expected to achieve so much happiness.
“You really had to outdo yourself and give me not one but two babies,” you playfully push Seungcheol's shoulder.
“Is it too late now to say sorry?” he grins nervously.
“Don't be. I'm more than satisfied. But you'll have to give me a raise!”
“I'll give you something better than that,” Seungcheol promises and pulls a diamond ring out of his pocket.
“Oh my God,” you are in shock.
“Y/N...you've given me more than I could ever hope to deserve. You started off as a nanny but you became my three kids' best friend and now, the mother of two more angels. You became my closest person, my source of joy, my sweetheart. Knowing that I can come home to you is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Will you do me the absolute honour of becoming my wife?”
“Yes, of course, yes!” you say through your tears and kiss him, as he slides the ring on your finger.
“Can I call you mommy now?” Elsie peeks her adorable head behind the door, followed by Dino and Chaerry, who are all excited by the good news.
“Congratulations, Y/N!” Chaerry greets you with a hug and whispers: “Thanks for taking one for the team and making our lonely old man. happy.”
“Hey, I heard that!” Seungcheol complains loudly.
Dino jumps on the back of his dad with a loud squeal.
“You better treat her right, Dad!” the boy warns. “Or I'll ketchup your room!”
“Why do I feel like I'm the one being welcomed into the family?” Seungcheol bemoans his fate but he's never smiled wider.
“You'll get used to it,” you joke. “Come on, guys, meet your new brother and sister.”
“Hii, babies!” Elsie and Dino jump excitedly around the twins.
“Oh, they're so cute! Aren't they so cute, Dad?” Chaerry coos at the babies.
“They are, but it's too early for you to think about how cute babies are. Look at me...I already have five. Isn't it tragic?” Seungcheol keeps messing around.
“It could have been twelve or something,” you play along.
“I can't imagine,” Seungcheol cries out indignantly. But deep down, maybe he can.
The End
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girlivealwaysbean · 25 days ago
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it's done finally
#im completely alone now#my bestfriend is growing up and away from me and soon we will be so different that we won't understand each other#and she'll get bored of me and then leave#maybe it was a mistake to talk to her fuck#i do feel better lighter now because she just has that sunshiney energy but like.#i knew there were two possible outcomes 1. she was depressed living at home not talking to anyone#2. she convinced her parents to stay at x and is having the time of her life and forgot about me#it is the latter#im happy for her i guess#but like okay#she was the last person left who understood me and talked to me and sat with me in my sadness#and now she's gone too#it's good in a way i guess i don't even feel sad anymore just relieved. like yeah i have nothing noone to lose now#the only people in my corner are my family and ive never really had them have i? i lost my parents so long ago and my sister is#going abroad and my brother will go to college#i don't know why i have to do this alone i don't think i deserve this i feel singled out like god is specifically making me the loneliest#ive ever been to test me or something. people my age are living such wonderfully full lives#but okay i guess God if that's how you want to play. i hate u and fuck u btw u never were there for me right#never answered my prayers since i was 11 so fine ill prove it to you#but this better fucking be the last year im miserable and alone like this#and i hope all this living in my little bubble is not going to leave me woefully unprepared for interviews and stuff#ill do the getting good marks part and you do the magic giving me social skills soft skills part#“dni”
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moonstruckme · 10 months ago
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hey mae! it’s been awhile since i’ve sent an ask but im always reading your work girl! i love how you write tbh. if you’re up to it do you think you could write something with poly marauders, where the reader has trouble eating and making themself eat due to poor appetite. my appetite really does come and go and ever since covid (maybe before) it’s like eating makes me feel revolted. sometimes i just don’t feel like eating bc of other things like depression, adhd, anxiety. i was just wondering if you could write something with the boys helping out the reader with finding out what sounds good, cooking, and eating if possible. sometimes having someone around to talk to and hang out with makes it so much easier to deal -🌶️
Hey Pepper, thank you sm! And thanks for being patient with me <3
cw: lack of appetite, mention of skipping meals
poly!marauders x gn!reader ♡ 1.1k words
The sun’s going down, the last dregs of its light spilling brilliant and golden over the book in your lap, and you can feel your boyfriends starting to get restless. Well, two of them. 
“If we’re missing half the ingredients,” Sirius says, trailing James into the kitchen, “it’s not going to be any good.” 
James only tsks. “Ye of little faith. That’s what improvisation is for.” He starts pulling things down from the cabinet. 
“You’re not even going to glance at the recipe?” 
“I don’t need to. I know the general vibe.” 
“Help!” Sirius calls towards the living room. “He’s gone off the rails. Remus, come fix it.” 
Remus turns around to look over the back of the sofa, his shoulder brushing yours as he does. He’s sitting right up against you despite the couch being empty, not that you mind. Remus is sort of like a cat that wants to be near you but not always to be pet. His touches are often like this, passive gestures like a hand on your head or his thigh pressed against yours. It works for you just fine; you can feel the affection bleeding into you from any point of contact. 
“Don’t you think we should just eat out?” Sirius asks, tilting his head and doing that thing with his eyes that you all pretend doesn’t work on you. 
Impressively, Remus keeps his face impassive. “I’m having leftover brussels sprouts,” he replies, “so it’s not really my concern. Anyway, James has a good history with not following recipes.” 
“Exactly,” James says, grinning at Sirius, who scowls. But then he fixes his gaze on Remus. “So why are you having that, Rem? Have what I’m making.” 
“Because they’re going to go bad, and I’m not hungry enough for a big meal.” The last part is said somewhat quieter, directed towards the living room as he turns back around and picks up his own book. 
Out of the corner of your eye, you can see James frown, but he glances at Sirius and they seem to collectively decide not to push it. Remus’ appetite isn’t much better than yours. He has his better days, but it’s not uncommon for him not to feel up to what your other boyfriends would consider a whole meal or to eat only chocolate until Sirius hounds him into something more substantial. 
James looks to you hopefully. “You’ll have some, won’t you sweetheart?” 
You wince, hating to let him down, and from the look on James’ face he clocks the guilt in your expression before even you get a chance to say, “I don’t think I’m really up to it tonight, either.” 
James deflates, but he’s clearly trying to put on a brave face. “That’s alright. I think I’ll just save it for another night, then.” 
“I’m sorry,” you say, setting your book facedown on the armrest and turning around to face him more fully. “You could still make it and just put leftovers in the freezer. Maybe I’ll have some tomorrow.” You wince again as soon as you say it. No promises, though.
The smile James gives you is comforting if not totally satisfied. “It’s okay. I’ll just make it another time, it’s not a problem.” 
You return his smile, close-lipped. Sirius is looking at you with narrowed eyes, arms crossed like he’s sizing you up. 
“What are you going to eat?” he asks. 
“Hm?” 
“What are you going to have instead?” You hesitate, and he tilts his head knowingly, a piece of hair slipping from behind his ear to drape over his shoulder. “You need to have something, especially since you didn’t have lunch.” 
From the kitchen, James looks at you. “You didn’t?” 
“I just…don’t feel like it.” It’s a feeble argument even to your own ears, and the look Sirius gives you says that he thinks so, too. 
“You can’t miss two meals,” he says obstinately. “Even Remus is having some brussels sprouts.”
You look to Remus to be offended at the even Remus comment, but he only shrugs. You’re on your own. 
“What sounds good?” he asks you. 
You try not to pout. “Nothing. Everything sounds gross.” 
“C’mon, baby.” Sirius leans against the countertop. “It doesn’t have to be strictly dinner food, yeah? Just anything that sounds like you’d be willing to eat it.” 
You think for a minute. Remus touches the back of his hand to your leg, knuckles soothing over the skin beside your knee. 
“I guess…ice cream sounds okay,” you say hesitantly. “But I know that’s not exactly nutritious…” 
“Would a milkshake be close enough?” James pipes up. 
You shrug. “I guess.” 
He grins. “I can do that for you, lovie. Just gimme a sec.” 
James is a loud cook. You go back to your book while cabinet doors slam and the blender whirs and there's a muffled “oh, shit” as something is undoubtedly dropped on the floor, but a minute later he’s bringing you a glass of something thick and chocolate-y looking. You smile at the added garnish of mint and a straw, reaching for it. 
“Thanks, Jamie.” 
He winks. “Anytime.” 
Remus is the only one courteous enough not to obviously watch while you take a sip, and you feel your eyebrows raise as you look up at James. 
“This is really good,” you say. He practically glows at the praise. “I didn’t even know we had chocolate ice cream.” 
Sirius barks a laugh, and James’ smile widens. 
“What?” you ask. 
“We don’t,” he admits. “Will it ruin your appetite if I tell you it’s not actually ice cream?” 
You shake your head, sucking at the straw. “I’m already drinking it, so.” 
James beams. He really is looking very proud of himself. “It’s a protein shake. A pretty balanced meal, actually.” 
“Oh, nice.” You grin at him, taking another hearty slurp mostly because you know it’ll please him. “It’s perfect, thank you.” 
“Gotta keep our sweetheart fed,” he says, bending down for a kiss. Sirius and Remus’ hums of approval nearly harmonize, and you and James share an elated look while they both do their best to pretend like it didn’t happen. 
“Can I try?” Remus asks, and you tilt the cup towards him in invitation. 
He wraps his lips around your straw, sipping hesitantly. He looks mildly impressed. 
“Could you make me one of those too?” 
From the look on James’ face, he’d be delighted to. “Course, love.” He plants a smacker on Remus’ cheek and nearly knocks Sirius over as he beelines for the kitchen. 
“This is just excellent,” Sirius gripes, but you see the satisfaction in his expression. “Now that you two have blown up his ego, I’ll have to eat something he makes too.” 
“Correct,” James says brightly. “And you should be so lucky.” 
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success life story ♡
heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !
have a good read ☆
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michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3
the old story that i don’t live in anymore
okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.
same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.
i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.
about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.
STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️
i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,
tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.
but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !
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it clicked
then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».
i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.
and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing
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success storyy
in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.
starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize
won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)
winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)
financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 
all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️
move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful
friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life
got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories
black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 
my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.
dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples
plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )
lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too
attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)
good grades without doing much
perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story
whole ass pc set up
all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes
and so much more...
outro
i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!
˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚ honey kisses, shayama
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luvvixu · 7 months ago
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mind over matter pt. 4
synopsis: witness how your marriage was bound to fall apart with you on the front seat and your husband gojo had missed the show—now, he gotta figure out the story on his own.
content: arrange marriage au, angst, husband!gojo, mean!gojo, mention of blood, strong languages, some unsettling scenarios, emotional trauma, read at your own risk
a/n: ok, im such a bad author now huhu, i always broke my promises about updating the new chapter :((( should've just wrote in advance but i'm afraid i don't have that enough free time oqsjjanswjaj anyways, here's the anticipated chapter!! THANK YOU FOR Y'ALL PATIENCE <3 MWUHEHEHHEEHHE
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previous / masterlist / next
the next day comes and you've got yourself some visitors. megumi, yuuji, nobara, maki, and inumaki was in your room and they were all seated around you as you talk.
panda and your two third years were not around at the moment because this is a non-sorcerer hospital and people would freak out to see a big ‘talking’ panda. during your two third years, they were out of town and were on a mission but they still text you to get well and even send you some fresh flowers.
“wait, i still can't believe that he's your husband.” nobara couldn't explain his shock at the revelation. out of all, she didn't think that her goofy teacher was someone's husband.
you chuckled at her reactions as you turned your gaze on megumi, who's still his mouth hanging. “megumi, i thought you're getting a hint?” you tease the boy. although it was true, you actually thought he already had an idea because you've known him for almost his entire life and even once lived with you as a kid.
“no…” was only his answer.
“so, gojo-sensei was the one you're talking about when you said that he was a busy man. most of his job requires being out of town. but he never fails to shower you with love and he is making sure that you two would still communicate despite his busy schedule?” your eyes widened when yuuji literally just said what you had said from before, word-by-word!
“i—i supposed he is.” everyone in the room sweat dropped at your answer.
what do you mean you supposed?!
“y/n-sensei, is it okay if we ask your baby?” maki chooses the gentlest approach because she heard that post-pregnancy can make the mother quite crikey, sensitive, and is prone to depression. but to her relief, you respond to her warmly.
“oh, the baby is being treated since they're premature. i really can't wait to meet them once i get better. but right now, shoko was the only one who had seen my baby.” you smiled softly at the thought of your baby.
“gojo-sensei still hadn't seen the baby?” maki’s eyes went wide.
you nodded. “yeah, he said we should go together so i must heal quickly for that to happen.”
the door suddenly opened and it revealed your husband with food in his hand. you smiled at the packages not because you're hungry, but because you had finally persuaded satoru to go out and leave you even for just a few minutes.
how did you do it? well, you just give him an earful after what he did yesterday night and he's like;
“i don't know how you did it but you should've just gone to the convenience store or the hospital canteen just for an oatmeal and eggs. and look, i'm not upset over the fact that you just had the ‘very easy to get’ food delivered on this doorstep. what concerns me is you seem not to trust me very well to handle myself— well in fact i've been doing it since i was a kid and blah, blah, blah, blah…” it was your turn to yap but a little longer than he did. you even probably bought up some of his minor mistakes like not taking out the trash on random sunday night.
and he was like, “i'm sorry. i won’t do it again ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀)”
“y'all done backstabbing me?” satoru teasingly smiled at you all.
“oh, we're just getting started. so why don't you take a seat and hear us out?” you patted the empty space of your bed beside you.
satoru playfully huffed and gave the foods to his students and let them distribute it themselves. sitting beside you, he gave you the separate plastic with food and helped you feed yourself. the two of you had your moment with you telling satoru to just let you be and stop feeding you like a kid, but satoru was like nuh uh—and it goes on and on.
meanwhile, the students watch you two with surprise in their eyes. they still couldn't digest the fact that you two had managed to hide your marriage for like five years or so. and out of all spouses out there, they couldn't believe their eyes that you married a guy that is a total opposite of you.
“i still cannot really believe that you're married and have a baddie wife.” nobara almost never tears her gaze towards you two.
“yeah, much more is that they look so in love!” yuuji agrees to what nobara said as his words made you two stop bickering instantly.
like a cold water being poured, you two were suddenly experiencing a reality check that this so-called in love was very far from the two of you actually is. coughing slightly to hide his awkwardness and nervousness, he just let himself chuckle. while you? you're an expert at this, you maintain a smiley expression and wordlessly (and also forcefully) agrees to what the boy said.
“oh my, do we?” putting a hand on your cheek, you smiled with your eyes closed. your act looks so legit but satoru has seen this multiple side—he knew this facade was all fake.
maki suddenly puts herself into attention by calling your name. “anyway y/n-sensei, i've noticed you two don't have a ring—” before she could even finish her sentence, you already beat her to it.
“that's because the two of us, mostly him, are constantly fighting curses and both involve using our hands when we use our techniques. it would be risky to wear it and we're scared that we might get it lost or damaged.” you explain meticulously.
you watch the students agree to your explanation, while satoru is looking at you with meaning. you stared back at him too, hoping that he would get your telepathic message.
“alright guys, your y/n-sensei needs to rest now. we'll just see you guys soon or you can all just drop by tomorrow after your training.” satoru called everyone's attention by clapping his hands then started to playfully shoo the students.
you watch them pack their things and wave you a happy goodbye, in which you return their enthusiasm as well. when they all left, you let out a sigh and started to gently lie your body on the bed. satoru, who was done cleaning just now, sit at the end of your bed and carefully massage your legs.
“did you have fun with them?” you just lazily hum at his question and proceed to rest your eyes.
“i…i'm surprised you managed to convince them about our marriage.” satoru continued quietly.
opening one of your eyes and looking at him, you said, “of course, i've been doing it to a lot of people for the past five years.”
that alone made him shut up.
satoru looked down to his hands, which were still busy massaging your legs. you've noticed that his eyes were casted down and his behavior was somewhat familiar to you, he's feeling something that is related to guilt and regret.
clicking your tongue, you're in no mood to deal with his behavior today. so to find a solution to this problem, you just put yourself to sleep and let all of this just go on without a single care.
it has been two days and you're getting better day by day. today was probably the bestest day so far because you're about to finally see your own baby!
“calm down, mama. do you want your stitches to open again?” shoko holds your knees to stop it from shaking anxiously as you were currently sitting just right outside the neonatal intensive care unit (nicu) where your baby was.
you understand that the doctors need to prepare the room first before you all come in, but you wished that they speed it up.
“but sho, i'm finally seeing my baby!” you squeal at your friend who just ruffles your hair and tells you to be patient—in which you definitely can't.
meanwhile, satoru, who was standing beside you while you and shoko were sitting together, has been eyeing you since this whole waiting. he understands that you're excited about seeing the baby because he is too, he is excited. but he couldn't help but to feel a sensation that you would rather share your excitement with others than him.
he knows that he sounds ridiculous and undeserving to say that in the first place after what he did to put you through, but he still couldn't help it and he wouldn't even dare to say it to you.
the door of the nicu just opened and it revealed the doctor who was wearing protective gear to keep bacterias and viruses from entering the room and harm the baby. before he lets you all in, he first instructs you all to change the same gear as him and then proceeds to give you all some explanation in which you actively listen and take notes.
and after that, he finally lets you go inside.
the moment your eyes traveled on a crib, you saw your child laying down there with some breathing apparatus that is connected to their little body. you could feel your eyes swell with hot tears as you inch yourself towards the bundle of joy who's their crib was also protected with glass and only small holes on both sides were there.
satoru and shoko watched you with pure warmth at your sight—it was a nice scene of mother's love. finally, a tear escapes your eyes the moment you get a whole view of your child.
“isn't he pretty?” shoko said beside you, someone who you didn't notice had come near you.
you gasp, “he? m-my baby is a boy?” your cries go even harder, but it was just pure happiness. you couldn't bring yourself to tear your gaze away from your child even though he looks fragile for being premature but you love him dearly.
“can i touch him?” you look at the doctor who assisted you earlier without caring that you might look like a crying mess. you're far more thrilled to be with your child than to be pretty at this moment.
the doctor smiled at you and he agreed. he pointed out the small hole on the side, telling you to stick your hands out to feel your baby. you do what he said with your shaky hands, and when your fingertips touch his warm skin—you feel like you could die from the burst of euphoria.
“my b-baby, my baby is n-now here!” you really can't hold your emotions back as you keep on passing your fingers through your baby's arm until it reaches his closed hands where you slightly and gently open it for him to grab index finger. and when he does, your smile becomes even wider.
“hi baby~ this is me, your mommy. it's so nice to finally see you.” you whispered softly, hoping that despite the glass, he could hear your words.
this is the bestest day of your life. your baby was here and that's all you need.
the scene continues to unfold with you still getting emotional and shoko was just watching you with a smile on her face. while satoru, the father of the child, the husband of the mother, was a little distant but he could still see the baby. he was all quiet and couldn't bring himself to utter a word but he's not speechless.
his eyes behind those glasses were trailed on the child, but most of his gazes were on you. satoru watches you become all smiley—this is probably the happiest smile he had seen on your lips for the past years of your marriage.
and he would absolutely never forgive himself if he breaks it—but he already did.
shoko notices his odd behavior and promptly leaves your side for a while (but you're busy having a baby talk with your baby to notice her leaving) to go talk to him.
“what? you're just gonna stand there and watch y/n?” yup. still the same as before, hostile towards the man. satoru let out a sigh and didn't give her attention. instead, he walked towards y/n and just focused on his family.
“you’re so tiny!” you continue to cooed at your son who keeps on moving slightly which is a good sign that your son is responsive and fighting. you also noticed that satoru was now right beside you and is looking at your son too with adoration tinted in his eyes.
“i don't think i could let myself be away from him anymore.” you said. your cheeks were now hurting from constant smiling but you don't mind.
satoru only looks at you briefly because his attention was now on his son, fully. “hello, it was nice finally meeting you.” his eyes trailed on his own flesh and blood with the most care of all.
on the other hand, you're not dumb to not notice that satoru was acting hesitant towards this scene and you knew what his reason was. you think that satoru thinks that he was undeserving to be here, and you're correct about his assumption.
but as a woman who grew up with an experience of being inside a shattered family, you absolutely would not want that to happen to your own child. and as much as you would also like to satoru be away at least for now because you're still that sensitive about what he had said during those conversations in the clinic and hallway, you respect his role as a father.
you'd give him a chance to prove his worth as a father to your child, but he's far worse to have a chance to prove his worth as a husband to you. if he messes this up real bad and without any proper explanation, this will be all over—satoru would no longer have you and your child as his own family.
“stick your hand on his hole, that way you could feel him.” you guided his hand towards the hole that you had said before and watched his hands turn shakey as he reached for the baby.
once satoru had finally experienced a skin-to-skin touch with his baby, he wanted to cry so badly but he didn't allow himself to, at least not yet. he felt like this was one of the best moments in his existence.
satoru would like to punch himself for questioning the baby for his plans as he seemingly thinks it would affect him. but just when he look and touch his baby, all of his recollection about the mixed emotions he felt when the baby is on the board has suddenly vanished and it was replaced with gratefulness and adoration for both of you.
it was like a full 360 degrees turn was done after the early birth of his first born. plus, he had seen you be ever so happy that you are with him. and deep inside him, satoru deniably hopes that this kid, this child, can at least help him save this marriage that was destined to fail and doomed.
because he now finally realizes that you're slowly wrapping him around your tiny fingers.
your tears had made him be a better person, your recent experience had made him behave. it almost cost you and your baby's wife just for him to realize the importance of your five years of marriage, and he's planning to tell you that soon.
“have you finally decided what name we should give him?” shoko asked you and she didn't fail to see your eyes sparkle at the mention of name.
ah yes, baby names.
that was something that a mother and father should decide together because it comes very crucial because the name that your baby will get is a symbol of you two's relationship. but the thing is, you and your husband hadn't talked about a single thing or just anything related to this matter.
that's probably why you're still embarrassed whenever you think about nanami accidentally seeing you open a website into one of the school's computers about unique baby names with its meaning.
you're four months pregnant at that time and you're spending your free time in a teacher's lounge. you're very invested in your mini research to the point that you didn't notice an old friend peeking at your screen. you actually only notice his presence when you're about to stretch but accidentally bump his torso, and to your surprise, he was there.
and then the rest becomes a story and history. nanami helped you pick baby names for both genders or even unisex until you came out with…
“kazuki. let's name him that.” a soft smile was decorated on your lips as you watched satoru, who's looking at you, plays with the hands of your son.
“kazuki…that's a nice name, y/n.” satoru said happily. however, you can see his disappointment behind those words and you know why. you didn't even invite him to search for your baby's name because why would you?
“does it have any special meaning?” shoko asked you.
you nodded and said, “of course, kazuki means hope of peace—and i really need that.”
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[part 5 will be just there right around the corner — ©luvvixu2024]
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