#gives our ableist culture one less excuse

[firefly-fez]

Any other ADHDers out there really identify with being disabled/disability but get scared to call yourself disabled around other people because you feel like yours ‘doesn’t count’ and it’s ‘not as bad’, and like, maybe you’re not disabled enough to have the right to talk about disability?

haha its fine

[notfeelingthyaster]

Imagine (Son of Hades! Percy; Godswapped! Big Three's kids) Mark of Athena AU Pt. 1 (3/7) or (8/12)

Hello!! MoA is freaking extensive, so you're getting it in two parts. What are y'all thinking about this AU? Do you like it? Do you have suggestions? Anyway before reading this, check on the masterpost - all parts are essencial for the understanding of this - PJO or HoO - and check on the warnings before proceeding :))

Before everything, everyone's ages. Malcolm is 20, Reyna and Octavian are 19; Percy and Annabeth are 18; Frank and Jason are 17; Piper, Leo and Nico are newly 16; Will and Hazel are 15 - everyone is older, because I can.

Perseus is on a very uncomfortable toga praetexta, and he is late to the committee he has been organizing for at least two weeks now.

Planning for the greek commission - that he really hopes has planned a decent diplomatic mission, come on, Annie - is a very difficult job.

Mainly because Octavian is being a pain - and his direct superior, the Pontifex Maximus, is his grand-uncle, so nepotism is, of course, making Perseus life very hard.

They don't have any real say about the subject - the Vestal Virgins outrank them, and they're all for it because their Lady said so - but they still can protest every single one of the Alliance Committee decisions. Every single one.

They don't know how the greeks are getting here - it seems to be by ship, so they are keeping people at the closest bay, but no one is sure, so they are preparing for everything.

Hera gave him a date - July 8th, a Sunday - and they're working with that. Saturday is a day of rest, to the Roman people, so they organize everything on Friday - food, beverage, accommodations. Will they need garments? Perseus is not letting them walk around in those orange monstrosities.

Well. Hazel and Frank organize those - mainly helped by Questors and Magistrates - while Reyna and Perseus lock themselves up and review all the paperwork.

Because if they're not coming with their own mountain of paperwork, Perseus is kicking their asses, from Jason Grace - the previous Praetor - to Annabeth - she is supposed to be smart.

He also works on the mess that is the patrol rotation, the defense plans for the city, in the reconstruction efforts and in rising the wall at least 10 feet - getting it thirty feet tall, an impenetrable fortress for the upcoming war against the Giants.

Perseus has also made time for Iris Messaging his mother, - who is always overjoyed to hear from him - Persephone, - who he was only able to talk to once - Rachel, - who was not surprised to hear from him, and keep suggesting that he goes to the college closest to Parsons instead of staying in Nova Roma - and Calypso - who no Iris Messaging has been able to connect, nor can he find her location, so he guesses she is also in Olympus.

So back to the present - Perseus is late. It's 9h22 - he doesn't think that the greeks are getting here in the afternoon. He passes by Reyna's villa - with a cup of coffee and half their paperwork - and she is also late - a first when it comes to Praetor Arellano. Because they aren't Perseus and Reyna from now - they're Praetor Jackson of Styx and Praetor Arellano.

So they go to the courtyard - where the whole army is waiting, swords and shields gleaming with Frank in the head, plus the Consul, his two assistants, the Pontifex Maximus, Augur Primus Octavian, the six Questors and Perseus, and Reyna's assistants.

Perseus was never so grateful for someone as he was for Commander Sabina Artorius - the legacy of Pomona had been injured in the battle against Polybotes and lost her right leg and an eye - didn't make her any less valuable for him - but in the eyes of the prejudiced Roman people, she was a burden - so Reyna appointed her for the job.

She did everything Perseus wasn't able to - including proof-reading everything he wrote, teaching him the intricacies of Roman Politics, and giving him paperwork to sign.

Everyone who called her a useless servant was lying - Sabina was an amazingly competent P.A. and diplomat, and Perseus was very grateful for her, and her salary reflected that. Even if the Romans found weird a Praetor was paying for work - weird slaver fascist culture.

Reyna also has an assistant - a boy called Aeneas Nerius - a son of Virtus - who was born blind, so was relegated to poor-paying (or not paid at all, because housing and food aren't payment) jobs. Because Nova Roma is not only queerphobic and racist, no. It's also ableist.

The Pontifex - his name is Septimus Gavius, and he's a direct son of Phebus Apollo - looks at them angrily when they arrive late - but the Consul doesn't even notice the time - the man is too afraid of their conjoined power over the masses.

The Consul plays for the people as if Perseus would be a good successor - calls him Augustus and Imperator - even when everyone knows Reyna is the obvious choice - the man is as misogynist as all the older Senators are.

While Reyna tries her best to make her purple stola less constricting and Aeneas corrects Perseus toga with the practiced movements of someone who has been trained to do it - and that's when Perseus remembers that Aeneas was a servant to Octavian's family.

He pointedly avoids looking at the boy's hands - the demigod is no older than Percy, and his hands are burned and scarred. Perseus doesn't pity him - he rages internally against Octavian and his bigoted, slaver, prejudiced family.

They are talking - he is still seething from his realization - when the Greeks appear. And Perseus wants so much to kick their butts.

He has no words. He wants to scream. Reyna massages her temples with the face of a resigned person, and Sabina - the bloodthirsty woman that she is - snorts in amusement.

"Praetor Jackson. I fought beside you! I didn't expect your people to be... well... barbarians!" Whispers Reyna in his ear, in utter exasperation.

"I wasn't expecting this either! They have Grace, who is a roman! Why are they doing this?" He whispers back, as lost as she appears.

It doesn't matter - he tells Frank - Legatus Legionis Zhang - to make the troops stand down. This is not a fight - not yet, Lady Lupa whispers in his mind.

Hazel - Centurion Levesque - looks at him worried. She has been frenzied since her brother's disappearance the day after her birthday, but this is just the cherry on top. Are they fools?

The ship crosses their wall - and hovers in the air as, one by one, six people climb down. Perseus recognize almost all of them - there's Annabeth, Malcolm, Will, Jason Grace, and two other demigods, who he doesn't know.

At least Grace is wearing a toga. A makeshift, purple toga picta - as if he was a Triumvir or an Imperator - but a toga nonetheless, even if pretentious.

The Consul is the first to talk - the Greeks approach slowly, wary of the army behind them. The man welcomes them to Nova Roma - looking at Grace's toga with something akin to disdain - and then promptly passes the torch to the Praetors - the organization of this whole thing has been in their hands from the start.

"I am Praetor Urbanus Arellano" Reyna starts, in an official tone that no one questions "And this is Praetor Peregrinus Jackson of Styx. These are Pontifex Maximus Septimus and Augur Primus Octavian, Legatus Legionis Zhang, and the Twelfth Legion of Nova Roma. Please, follow me - let's continue our talking in a more private setting, I'm sure you're must be exhausted."

It's just an excuse to avoid the mocking looks the bigots are throwing them - Perseus can hear their voices in his head, calling him an ape, a savage bringing barbarians into their home.

The greeks - with their orange T-shirts and faded jeans and mocking purple toga - look as out of place in Nova Roma as Perseus feared they would. Reyna and he take them to the Praetor Villa - is as much as they can restrain themselves.

Annabeth - who knows him longer than anyone here - doesn't jump him - she just looks a little overwhelmed - Nova Roma is probably a bit much for her Athenian brain, which is now possibly being overridden with possibilities. It's Jason who makes the first move - and what a weird move at that.

"Reyna" He greets, and they hug briefly - and as manly as possible, for some weird roman reason about feminization - before the blonde turns to him "Perseus Jackson"

"Jason Grace" He answers back, and they exchange a handshake, but there's something weird in the inflection of his voice that Perseus doesn't necessarily care for "Annabeth"

Her greeting - when she gets off the subspace she dropped to - is much nicer - and warmer - he even gets a hug out of it.

They introduce him to Leo Valdez - who Perseus looks at once, remembers Charles Beckendorf, and swears to never let any harm come upon his baby brother - and Piper McLean.

"I know you!" They say at the same time - because that's where English gets you.

They explain that they went to Yancy together - two years, doing the same English tutoring. They give each other a high five for surviving the highs and lows of high school as monster bait. Malcolm and Will both hug Percy and greet Reyna with the same respect they give Annabeth - Praetor Arellano is terrifying.

The conversation eventually goes to how - how did they find Nova Roma, why they aren't surprised to see him here - and the answers are kind of obvious.

"I dreamed of you," Says Grace, still with a strange tilt to his voice. Perseus guesses he probably isn't okay with losing his place as Praetor - but he was kind of lost for eight/seven months. It's the gods' fault, really.

"Me too. Kind of - Lady Juno... I mean, Hera, she sent me dreams for about a month or so? It was all very weird - like basically the training I was doing at the day, you were doing at night. I think she was trying to tell me to follow in your footsteps. Helped me a lot - thank you, man."

Jason - and all of the greek entourage - seems a bit downtrodden - like he just gave a big miss. But Perseus has more important things to care about.

"Who had the brilliant idea to come for an alliance in a military flying ship?!"

Jason Grace wants to punch Hera, or Juno, or whatever is her name in the face. He wants to punch himself either - the gods never did anything good for him, why would they now?

He talked - like a creep - about the dreams. And turns out? He is the only one having deep, emotional dreams about Perseus' past for months. He got a crush on someone he knows, like the palm of his hand - but that doesn't know him back, because really, why make this easy? Why give him those dreams at all - if they were doing this one-sided?

So he stays quiet, as Leo apologizes for the worst idea ever - coming with a warship to a military city - and, while Perseus and Piper trade stories, Reyna beacons him for a quick walk - to show him the development of plans they did together - their own way of catching up.

"You're infatuated with him," Jason says but is not an accusation, is just the truth, in the worst time possible.

"Can you blame me? You were gone." She retorts "Wait... It's not me you're jealous of. But how do you? You never met before."

He explains the dreams - the seven months of dreams, the only link to his past, the way Camp Half-Blood worships Percy - the way that they don't have rules about who you lay with. Jason feels Nova Roma around him - the decadence of water everywhere that CHB simply lacked.

"Well, we should open a club. Me, you, that blonde girl, Di Angelo, half of Nova Roma..." And they laugh, for it seems impossible to not fall for Percy's charm, just as impossible as making him notice any of them. "Now can you explain to me why are you wearing purple of all things?"

He is apologetic - it was the only toga they could find in short notice without leaving Camp. Then, she shows him the plans - Reyna can do multiple things at once, and her best friend's love life is merely a blip in her radar.

Reyna loves differently - she has known that, all her life. It doesn't make a difference where it comes to Perseus - she loves him, even if she can't imagine ever laying with him. Maybe that's why she hasn't made any moves under the course of three months. She should let him go - he has so many options, anyway.

When they go back, is to see Perseus and Annabeth in a heated debate about she wearing a chiton or a stola - anyway, no greek can go to Senatus in jeans and a T-shirt.

Eventually, they manage to get them all in togas - the girls refuse the stolas, but they are convinced to put on the chitons for diplomacy.

They didn't come with mountains of paperwork. But between Malcolm, Will, and Annabeth, by lunch they have outlined most of their possible contributions and what do they need - and what they're unable to give up.

Perseus and Jason - and possibly Nico di Angelo, who's missing - are the only ones who know the full information - how many battle-ready people both sides have, how many disabled people, how many children, healers, resources.

Nova Roma is winning - in everything. Except for power - because Camp Half-Blood only has, maybe, five legacies out of more than 150 campers, while Nova Roma is mainly composed of legacies, second-generation demigods, or minor gods' demigods.

The Greeks are composed of 63% Olympian's children, 36% minor gods' children, and 2% legacies - all children of two demigods, so second-generation demigods. They don't have Nova Roma's training - but they have powers the Romans could only dream of.

The Romans are composed of 12% Olympian's children, 39,5% minor gods' children, and 48,5% legacies - most who are at least a few generations diluted. They don't have Camp's power - but they have techniques and numbers the Greeks couldn't even hope to have - if you counted the able non-fighters - the ones who would fight either way for the sake of Rome - it was a number bordering on 700 hundred strong.

It is a gamble that could only bring destruction - for both sides. So Perseus and Jason exchange looks - and decide not to divulge all information. Egos are so fragile - especially between the older generations - so it's best they don't have material to plan in accord.

The Greeks and Roman heed together to the Forum Romanum. Is still weird to see the Romans - especially for Leo.

You see, Leo has been surrounded by a cult of Perseus Jackson over the last few months. Half the people he knows are infatuated with the guy - including the meticulous Annabeth Chase, his best friend, and even scary as hell, Nico "I'm bringing the thunder" di Angelo.

He is expecting a Batman-esque character. He is expecting the heroes from legends - the ones destined to fall. Leo is half-waiting from an automaton - or perhaps Lucifer himself. He isn't sure.

But the guy is... easy-going. He bears a striking similarity to Charles Beckendorf - with surprisingly green eyes. Perseus is wearing sheets - why, Leo can't phantom - and making jokes with Malcolm Cage like the guy wasn't perpetually boomed by something.

It isn't the only thing that surprises him: All his ships (the romantic ones, not the literal one) crashed and burned worse than Helen of Troy and Paris. Perseus is seemingly oblivious to romance - he is all about the job, making friends, rebelling against the traditions and their superpowerful angsty parents.

Well, Leo can get behind this. He can't stop looking at Nova Roma - a whole city, directly taken off a good Gladiator reboot. Leo is not an architecture crazy like Annabeth - but oh, the aqueducts!

Leo wants to take a peak at the place the chimneys are poking of - maybe a two or three hour walk from where he is - but Piper keeps a hand in his wrist, leashing him like a unruly puppy.

Annabeth is in a similar state of amazement - she came here for her best friend and crush - and is surprised.

Not by Perseus becoming some kind of military political person - he always had the potential - and the way he grew, somewhat, harder and prettier at the same time. Annabeth is only eighteen and still on sophomore year - blame the hormones.

But she is amazed by Nova Roma. They have such an intricate society, with traditions the greeks have long forgotten - who still uses clothes like that - and a military formation worthy of Julius Caesar.

Her best friend turned out to kind of be the Julius Caesar to Reyna's - Praetor Arellano - Augustus. Perseus - Praetor Jackson of Styx - is militar and rigid, a political conqueror - while Reyna is infinitely more dangerous - she is a king, a leader to be worshipped as a goddess for centuries to come.

Annabeth came in this mission for three reasons: Her best friend, the war, and the mission her mother gave her. But now, she looks at the politics, at the city - and wants to stay.

They enter the Senatus - Perseus and Reyna upfront, followed by Jason and the greeks - and take their places. Jason - for the anger of most romans - stay with the greeks.

The session starts as normal - titles, names, rankings, people bringing their issues, strifes, budgets, ideas of infrastructure that were authorized by the Censors, marriage licenses and research projects.

Jason thinks they are scarily good together. Reyna works most of the civil front - she is a master at law - but it's Perseus who separates most strifes and solves the money problems - he is the son of a fair judge himself.

He can see the looks - he is Propraetor now. Why doesn't he sit in his side of the Senatus, between his pairs? Does he think himself above them now - even between barbarians?

But Jason can't let his friends to the mercy of the romans - not alone. After all people come - some redirected to the Consul, some with their issues solved for better or for worse - it's their time, to state the case.

The Alliance of Ephesus - for a city that was both greek and roman in nature - is still in it's initial states. But they make their cases - the way Camp Half-Blood could help in the upcoming war against the giants, their own roles in the previous war against the titans.

It is a convincing argument - both Perseus and him are unmovable objects, and Reyna is an unstoppable force - but they do hit a rock in the way.

"If the best your camp has to offer is a healer of Phebus Apollo, a bulla-wearer of Flamen Vulcan, a daughter of Venus Verticordia and two children of Minerva - a virgin goddess - this Alliance is highly unfair for the people of Rome!"

It had to be Octavian, Jason thinks. It is good, then, that Perseus has the tongue made of steel and looks like a Basileus - sat on a throne, overlooking them, with a bored look upon his face, he could demand a crown and they would give him.

"You overestimate yourself, Augur Primus Octavian. You see yourself so mighty that you have no need for allies?"

It is mocking and there's a message behind it - "This is where I come from and I am your Praetor - do you challenge my power?" - it makes Jason shiver.

Perseus - Praetor Jackson of Styx - is his father through and through. Jason only met the god once - in the post-war council in Olympus - but he had the same imposing voice, the same luxury that seduced Proserpina to the Underworld.

Just like he looked leading the greek forces against Kronos, wielding his weapons of choice with a roar that made Manhattan tremble.

It seemed to work - for Octavian shut up pretty quickly. Jason is no longer in a position to do it - he is respected, technically, as a Propraetor, but he barely reached half of his term - after spending a year as Legatus Legionis - a position which Frank Zhang more than deserved.

Everything is going well - too well, for Piper's liking. Perseus is cool, Reyna is cooler, they have a whole government (!), Jason is making heart-eyes at dream dude and even prejudiced guy recognized her as a girl.

They have a feast - where they are introduced to Frank Zhang and Hazel Levesque - and Piper sure isn't keeping all those titles straight in her head, this is Annabeth's job.

Centurion Levesque - Hazel, a girl a little younger than them, but apparently already a general - keeps looking at Leo as if he is about to implode - a normal reaction to him. She stops once they are introduced - there's a forlorn air about her.

She catches up a little with Perseus - who is the most oblivious person to ever grace this earth, for so many look at him and he barely looks at anything but his paperwork - who finds it mightly funny to slowly eat a pomegranate while everyone freaks out at the implications.

Well - he thinks they are scared. But Piper knows they're just horny and waiting to pass winter cozying up in hell.

Perseus explains to her (finally) why they give the gods different names - Venus Verticordia, Genetrix, and Victrix; Juno Moneta, Regina, Lucina, and Populona; Mars Ultor, Pater, Quirinus, and Gradivus, etc. He explains they are epithets - different forms of each god.

Different from the greek to roman transition, these are the same gods - in very different facades. Like, for example, her mother could either be Venus Genetrix - the maternal one - Victrix - the war one - or Verticordia - the romantic love one.

Greeks used to have this - but some of their aspects got too jumbled, so they started rebirthing - evolution. Zagreus became Dionysus. Hermes split from Pan. Helius merged with Apollo, Selene merged with Artemis. As their cult changed - so did they.

Children of Venus Genetrix and Verticordia are different from Children of Venus Victrix - still brothers and sisters, but their powers are different - where the first lean towards priesthood and the second towards charm speak and magic - almost all the third's are warriors of the same caliber of Mars Ultor's children.

Everyone here is so different though- Perseus' P.A., Sabina, is a total badass and Piper would be all for her... but wouldn't that invalidate her? She spent her whole life trying to prove she is a girl - to now go pursue sex with other girls? Piper is confused - she should IM Ariel before sleeping

It is all going very well - minor accident when someone mentioned Perseus' decision to send the harpy Ella away days ago - probably to Rachel - until Octavian decides to see the ship. And, of course, Leo just has to go.

Jason is proving to be very smart - for while Leo is occupied above with Octavian, he insists to also be on the ship, with Will and Malcolm as his backup - no one here trusts the drowned rat.

They take with them Frank and Hazel Levesque - two possible candidates for the mission on the Roman side - evening the sides - three Romans, three greeks, and Jason - a medium.

Perseus stays on ground - he is the host and can't leave the party - with Reyna - who is talking to Annabeth in hushed whispers - and her - who is starting to get a little tipsy.

Well. She should've known better.

Leo attacks the camp - it's not him, but it's enough. Perseus - at the first cannon bomb - whispers something in Reyna's ear, and escort her and Annabeth to the ship before Roma can react.

He jumps on board, pops an unconscious Octavian out of the ship, and tells Annabeth to get out of there in the next ten minutes or he won't have an alibi. They do - but look at him like he is either crazy or drunk, still in laurels and a toga, a goblet of wine precariously between his fingers.

"I'm Praetor Peregrinus Jackson of Styx - and this is an espionage mission with the objective of rescuing Legatus Legionis Zhang and Centurion Levesque while finding who is the greek traitor. At least, officially - I'm here because I am not a big fan of the woman encroaching in my territory, trying to kill my friends."

Leo - who is still disoriented of what Frank explain is an eidolon, they had a run with those when the attacks on Nova Roma started - starts laughing and takes Annabeth's place steering the Argo II. After a minute of silence, everyone starts laughing - the man is a genius.

So they go after decent clothing - because just Hazel and Frank are in battle appropriate clothing, and Perseus just noticed that they're floating and he can almost see the equations around his head - he wants so bad to talk to him because he has the same numbers around him all the time.

After everyone is in pants and shirts - Perseus, Frank, and Hazel take the loose shirts - Annabeth brought a stash of clothes in more or less their size, in Jason's word - but, while Frank tugs on a pair of sweatpants, the other two look at each other.

Leo is not really surprised when Hazel is in a skirt - but he gasps when Perseus walks in Frank's roman military skirt. He looks uncomfortable at the mere idea of pants.

No one says anything - not only they lived in CHB, but he has the Minotaur dagger that pair perfectly with Rachel's strapped to his tight, while his ax and Warhammer are crossed in his back.

Leo can see Jason drooling - he isn't the only one. Leo is newly sixteen - the youngest bar Will, and, perhaps, Hazel - and generally more interested in machines but he is not blind - the guy is hot.

Perseus gets hotter when he comes to Leo - still with a resting bitch face that would give Chiron a run for his money - and starts asking questions with the excitement of a puppy - about the ship, about the plans, how the aerodynamics work.

Hazel is roped into the conversation when they try and test if she has any control over the wind - almost nothing, but Perseus thinks he can hone her eventually - while Will and Malcolm start grilling Frank and Jason over Nova Roma.

Perseus mentions Nico - which Hazel supports. He hasn't be seen in either Camp since Perseus recovered his memories - said he was going to make up for it, but Percy knows the guy is a little self-destructive - he is too prideful to know when to just stop.

Piper and Annabeth are on patrol - no one is really sure the Romans aren't going after them. It doesn't serve for much: they are attacked.

Not by Romans, but by griffins. Between Jason, Piper, and Annabeth, Perseus and Leo don't even move. The ship does suffer some damage - which prompts Leo to give the Romans a tour of the Argo II.

Perseus is fascinated by Festus - while Hazel is fascinated by Leo - And Frank is seriously just marveling at the greeks by now - Nova Roma is pleasing to the eye, but they don't have automaton dragon ships.

They go to Salt Lake. Jason, Frank, and Piper go get tar, while Leo, Hazel, and Perseus go to the Celestial Bronze. Annabeth, Malcolm, and Will stay, to protect the ship.

It's the first time Perseus has touched land outside of Roma with his memories back - and he can feel a pressure in his chest: His link of empathy to Grover, never completely off.

They encounter Nemesis - who talks to Perseus about Ethan and Domitia, for which he retorts she has no rights. She took Ethan's eye, and his choice was not worth it - she asked for too high a payment.

Nemesis, or Invidia, laughs. Says the world isn't fair - look at Perseus and Jason, Leo and Sammy, Hazel and Nico, the marks in Roman's backs. She doesn't explain anything - but they understand.

Perseus understands Hazel and Nico - it's not fair, that her brother is missing, probably captured if his dreams have an ounce of truth. Leo understands Perseus and Jason - for Jason confided in him for months. It's unfair that Perseus doesn't know as much about Jason - and that Jason knows way too much about him.

Both Hazel and Perseus muse about Sammy - the one from Hazel's flashbacks. They hold hands and keep silent - this is not the moment. Leo doesn't ask about the marks - he saw Jason bare-chested once. He doesn't need to know more.

Invidia gives the fortune cookie to Leo, and promptly disappears - Percy wants to punch her. For Alabaster, for Ethan, for Domitia and the punishments that she has to dole out.

They meet Echo - who Perseus pity and rages, for it's the gods's fault. She couldn't refuse to help Zeus - neither could she flee from Hera's punishment, or Eros' arrows. It's their fault, that she stands now, alive again, but incapable of happiness.

Narcissus is a dick. And Hazel thinks that both Sammy - Leo - and Percy - who looks just like Pluto, and not in a bad way - could surpass him in both looks and personality.

Percy and Leo distract the nymphs - in different ways. Perseus plays his father well, and the dryads flee to Leo, in search of protection from a hero. A black makeshift toga Echo gives them, and that's it: The god of the Underworld coming to kidnap someone else.

Hazel retrieves the Celestial Bronze - the energy in it is strong enough, with Perseus opening the earth sideways for it to pass. They don't need to run back to the ship: Percy keeps evoking skeletons, which scares the nymphs, and in a fit of fury for Echo, Leo breaks Narcissus' nose - which sends him into a panic.

While getting tar, Piper feels her dagger heating up - Katoptris shows her a man Jason recognizes as Dionysus, in Topeka.

When everyone is back to the ship, they relay their stories. Perseus briefly asks Annabeth about Grover - who she tells him is occupied in Maine this year, but never gave up on looking for Perseus. Then, they leave for Topeka - they have a god to meet.

"I know a friend who could help us get down" Starts Perseus, looking at the emptiness under them with worry. The daughter of Aphrodite sympathizes.

"I thought you couldn't shadow travel more than one person at a time" States Jason, with all the creepiness of the dream stalker that he is. Piper is laughing - while Jason flushes and tries to explain.

Perseus ignores it, for the sake of his sanity, and asks if Jason has a Pegasus: Thalia has Porkpie, and he is right, Perseus couldn't possibly get three of them down and up without draining himself.

Jason doesn't have a pegasus - he does have Arion, the son of his matron, Ceres, and Neptune, his father. It doesn't fly - but Hazel has a venti that does.

So it goes Hazel and Jason on Tempest, Piper, and Perseus on Blackjack. Bacchus is waiting for them, a two-liter bottle of Pepsi in one hand.

While many of the roman aspects of greek gods are mainly more rigid, Bacchus is the complete opposite. Dionysus is a god of madness and, in his older iterations, Zagreus, a god of the Underworld.

Bacchus is a god of drunkness, sex, excess, and parties. He has none of the darker sides of his counterpart - nor the austerity of his aspect as Bacchus Liber, a god of freedom, fertility, and protector of people.

No, this was Bacchus in his most simple form: a deadbeat drunk. Piper is so tired - why couldn't she be born in a serious pantheon? Egyptians seem pretty focused.

Bacchus wishes for Ceres' presence - says it's not his responsibility to deal with plants - this is the dominion of Liber, and he can't be Liber without Ceres here. He asks Jason or Perseus to call for the matron - she should listen to them - but Ceres doesn't answer their prayers.

Perseus is as done as Piper and just rolls his eyes. At the presence of a fertility god, even if he only has a bare connection to it, vines start growing around the son of Hades' ankles, like if they're coming to play. Perseus is not only a son of Hades', Piper remembers, but he is also a champion of Persephone.

And while Jason's only blessing is his magical horse, Perseus was trained and has some mild control over plants - Piper thinks he got the better goddess in the deal.

Bacchus - drunk in Pepsi, if that's even possible - don't answer much. He tells them about Phorcys, and paying tribute - Liber would probably answer to it. He then flees.

Jason and Perseus hold a brief conversation about holding evening prayers - Piper doesn't understand much, but Hazel is nodding along, so it can't be bad: The girl is pretty level-headed.

Perseus is a son of the Underworld, he cannot be possessed by spirits, and fight them off easily, and Jason does too - mainly because he knows Perseus way too much to attack him.

But then the spirits turn to the girls. Jason has to throw a wave over Perseus to wake him from Piper's charmspeak so that he can exorcise them. It works, but Perseus has a small panic attack over drowning, is immediately drained and faints on his arms.

So Jason hauls Piper and Hazel over Tempest, so the venti takes them up first, before he bride-carries Perseus into a hurricane and over to Argo II, and promptly passing out from exhaustion and scaring the hell out of everyone on board.

Jason thinks it's worth it - Perseus asks him to start calling him Percy, and, in the Mess Hall, each takes one head of the table. He feels like he should be bothered - he isn't one to share leadership, but they all know the true head of operations here is Annabeth, so.

Percy tells them what he told Reyna - to stop any from following them, for this was a special ops mission. It's his role, and, later, Jason and he can strategize what Perseus will say in the Iris Messages to the Senatus.

And how they're going to spin crossing the Mediterranean Sea without using Julius Caesar's journey as a comparative too much, least they think Jason and Perseus are planning a coup.

They totally are. The two of them and Reyna would be the first triumvirate to work.

That evening, they sit together on the deck and talk. Not about Jason's dreams, not about Perseus's fear of drowning. But the joke about the Forum, and trade anecdotes of campers both know - and it feels like something.

Perseus dreams of drowning on earth and trashes around in his sleep - just until he starts dreaming of Nico again.

Nico is locked up in a cage - like a bird trying to reach flight. Ephialtes and Otis taunt him - two eagles come and try to attack him. He fends them off - feeding off electricity in the sky - but Perseus knows he won't be able to keep this for a long time.

Perseus goes to the deeps of the ship, just close to the motors, and cuddles up to Blackjack - the Nico situation will have to wait until morning.

In the same night, Leo catches Frank sleeping as a dog - and his crush on the guy threatens to swallow him whole.

It's Will who finds him, twelve hours later. Everyone is pissed that Perseus disappeared - so they don't let him go search for Phorcys with Jason, sending the blonde boy with Frank and Will, claiming the son of Hades is still exhausted from the past day.

Perseus stays on board. He tries to decypher his vision with Piper and Hazel, while Malcolm and Annabeth trace the route to their own mission. Leo is steering the ship and finishing the repairs.

Hazel is worried about what Percy saw. The two eagles match a dream she had, a little over a week ago: Prometheus. If those eagles reach Nico, when Nico gets too weak, he will have his liver ripped off, and no magical powers to regrow it.

Jason's mission is also giving bad results. They meet Keto - who Jason is pretty sure he already killed once - and is uncooperative as she takes Will in a tour. Phorcys is much more open - after a little flattery, he tells them all about the twin Giants, the prisoner in a cage - bait for Perseus Jackson and Hazel Levesque - and a map that would possibly lead to the Athenas Parthenos.

They escape when Will kills Keto with a well-positioned arrow, before breaking the tank together and fleeing to Argus II.

In the way to Charleston, they discuss where could the map be. Perseus trade his first Iris Message with the Senatus - in his room, faking that both Frank and Hazel are helping him, and that the greeks have no idea what happened - that there is a traitor in their midst, but the Alliance continues.

Perseus hopes they can win this war with minimum bloodshed, and then he can claim the traitor was controlled by Gaia or something because that's not his main preoccupation. He trades information with Reyna - she tells him to go to Battery.

Annabeth remembers her meeting with her mother - for this time, she was accompanied by Malcolm. Athena told them they were failures - wasting their time searching for a son of Hades. But that they should have a chance at proving themselves - and gave them the small silver coin. To "avenge" her.

Athena raged and bristled about Annabeth and Malcolm helping the Romans, but that's where Annabeth would not relent. Would her mother prefer destruction over her pride? Oh, how wise.

Annabeth feels ashamed she still craves her mother's approval, while the goddess simply saw them as pawns, even after the war raged by the rejected children - she was one of the Olympians with most children on the opposite side.

This time, they play with the finger trap all together - in the mess hall - and Annabeth looks at them and decides this is her family, not a bitter goddess that never bothered with her. She wasn't doing this for Athena - she was doing this for Camp, and her friends.

Annabeth, Hazel, and Perseus go to the Battery, while Leo, Frank, and Malcolm go to the museum after the map. Jason goes to the bay with Will, to try and free the animals at Phorcys aquarium, and Piper stays on board to patrol the ship.

Aphrodite is flickering between her greek form and her Venus Genetrix aspect, but ends up settling as Venus Verticordia - the closest she can get to greek between a roman, a greek, and Perseus, who, according to her, is both.

"You shall tread carefully with love, Annabeth Chase, for your heart lays elsewhere; You are locked up between two ways of the heart, Hazel Levesque, and shall thread both; And you, Perseus Jackson of Styx, when it comes to the heart, you are my crown jewel."

Perseus would punch her, but he knows better: Verticordia means "the changer of hearts", she is a manipulator, a player. It's this aspect who caused the Trojan War, who tossed Aeneas right and left for Lavinia.

He much prefers Venus Victrix, who appears when they're about to leave, to warn then about the importance of the statue and the location of the map, in Fort Sumter.

Octavian - who was conspicuously missing from the Senatus meeting - is here - against the orders of both Praetors. He tries to attack them - but Perseus makes the earth tremble and they run away. Jason and Will join the fray, and they send a message to Leo's group for them to regroup.

Annabeth gets the map - again fighting against spiders and the voice of Lady Earth - but this time there's no Reyna to confront her - this time, Roma is on their side.

Perseus asks if killing Octavian would be so bad, after all, but Hazel stops him from making the earth swallow the Augur - he is still a person, after all.

They change their minds pretty quickly once Reyna IM's Perseus, saying that Octavian poisoned the minds of the Senatus against the greeks and that she was unable to do much. She says the Augur is claiming that Perseus, Jason, Frank, and Hazel are mind-controlled by Piper - and that he tried valiantly to rescue them, but failed.

Perseus is pretty sure that he should've made the earth swallow him, send him directly to the Punishment Fields so he wouldn't be able to leave the Underworld never again, the lying rat.

It takes three days for them to reach the Mediterranean Sea. These three days are spent most with training and planning - while the children of Athena plan for their mission, Hazel and Frank train their powers, Perseus and Piper spar, Annabeth and Leo steer the ship, Perseus and Jason spar and patrol, Jason and Annabeth trade ideas about the two sides, Will mends a lot of people up.

Leo, especially, admires both Hazel and Frank from afar - since the Narcissus situation, he can't keep his eyes off the girl, and Frank is just adorable - he feels like he just watched Pirates of the Caribbean all over again.

The group becomes pretty tight - especially after Will walks in Percy without a shirt on, and immediately manhandles him into the infirmary. He does the same with all Romans - trying to figure an answer to those scars.

Will has a boyfriend - Jake Mason, seventeen - who has the same bad habit of hiding scars from him. But since he lost his foot - Will has discovered a thousand ways to find someone's health problems.

Piper and Leo are not surprised - they are the closest to Jason after all. Malcolm and Annabeth are up in arms - and they call the greeks barbarians?

Jason blames himself - for he has a guilty streak a mile wide, and apologizes to them - as if is his fault Juno had this godawful idea. Perseus punches him in the shoulder and tells him to stop with the bullshit - they have bigger problems than that.

They meet Heracles - and their best speakers are Piper, Perseus, and Will - the charmspeaker, the Praetor who actually finished high school, and the son of the god of poetry - maybe some flattery would help.

Heracles is a complete ass - no, he is a creep. He leers on Will - who is fifteen and he calls eromenos, yes, like a pedophile - then on Piper - who is utterly unimpressed - but don't try on Perseus - his eyes are as dark as the Pit, and he looks ready to punch Heracles.

They don't mention Hera - because the three are smarter than to mention the woman who turned the god's life miserable - but, after Piper refuses to kiss him, he gives him the mission to get the horn of Achelous anyway.

The Achelous is suitably afraid of Perseus - and it's easier to break his horn. They fight against the god - Will punches the guy in the face, while Perseus has no qualms about swarming him with skeletons and melting his armor.

Jason - who is keeping a keen eye on them from the deck - raises a wave for them to go onboard. Will - dripping and utterly mad - starts throwing curses at Heracles - he shines with the power of his father.

Percy is trembling - he hates water, he hates the feeling of drowning, he hates water in his face. He feels weak.

Hercules throws stones at the ship - but fail to hit anything, even if he almost gets Jason - who is pushed to the ground by Perseus, who grounded himself on the blonde.

For now, they have a cornucopia and managed to pass Heracles - so they just hug and laugh breathlessly at Will's increasingly ridiculous curses.

In the midnight patrol, while keeping watch for Stymphalian birds (Perseus hates those), they talk. Perseus tells him about drowning in his own element, about his distaste for both air and water - explains why he never gets close to the margins of the ship.

"Y'know, I dreamed of you" Percy nods, but Jason shakes his head "Not for a week or two, but for seven months. I thought it was Juno..."

Percy seems tense as if he is about to flee at any moment. High-strung. He looks anywhere but at Jason, and finally, he murmurs, almost too low for the silence that expands between them.

"How much?" "Everything."

He tells Percy about his dreams: Luke, Ethan, Alabaster, Persephone, Hades, Sally, Annabeth, Clarisse&Connor, the Labyrinth, the Sea of Monsters, Bianca, Nico, Zoe, Thalia, the weight of the sky, the Styx, the last defense of Olympus.

There are a lot of pieces missing - Percy Jackson is not a puzzle, but a giant Rubik Cube with ten sides - but Jason saw the worst parts of Perseus, his friends, the betrayals, the deaths, the bitterness that threatened to swallow him whole.

Percy doesn't answer - he flees. Back to his room, to conciliate that someone has dreamed about him, for months. That someone he is barely friends with knows so many deep details about him, things he never told anyone, and didn't plan to, ever.

It's not the only difficult conversation that night by far - Hazel and Leo are having a similar one.

You see, Leo is, by all means, closer to Jason out of all romans, and the least close to Frank - who is Hazel's best friend. Leo is pretty friendly flirty with Hazel since the Narcissus situation - because she is cute and just a year below him - but he also has been nursing this massive crush on Frank - who is a hunk of a man with the attitude of a puppy.

But seeing that Frank is straight as a board and Hazel only sees him as his grandfather, apparently, he is out of luck in this department - nothing new. At least he has a bunch of friends.

"Are you my friend only because of my grandfather?" "Of course not." Leo doesn't believe her, but he lets it go - it's the fatal flaw of Hephaestus' children: Lack of self-worth.

Perseus sleeps fitfully - and wakes Hazel to tell her about his vision of Otis and Ephialtes, for she is Nico's sister. They go to the deck, and he plays with her hair as they watch the sunrise.

Jason - looking at them from the other side of the ship - suddenly has a bad feeling - there's something coming in their direction. He makes Leo - who is steering this night - stop, but they are rammed and overrun by dolphin warriors.

Chrysaor disarms Jason - and his crew manages to tie everybody up - except for Perseus, who managed to flee into the shadows, and Frank, who hid away.

It's pretty simple from there - Hazel and Piper trash around when Chrysaor says he is taking them to Circe, Jason says their Captain is Dionysus, and Chrysaor says he is a roman, and Bacchus is weak in comparison to his greek form.

To prove Jason's point, Frank turns into a dolphin while Perseus makes vines appear and hold Chrysaor into place. Their enemies throw themselves overboard, including Chrysaor himself - and Jason sinks their ship by filling it with Diet Coke and Pepsi and burning it to Dionysus and Bacchus Liber - both of the serious sides of the god.

Perseus sleeps on the deck under the fickle rays of the midday sun and dreams of Gaea. Jason wakes him. They spend an awkward moment looking at each other before Jason hugs him.

"I'm sorry" "It's not your fault, stop blaming yourself for everything, Water Boy" "Sure, Death Boy"

They laugh - and for a second, they feel their own ages - eighteen and seventeen - without a care in the world. They mock-wrestle before giving up and just laying in the sun.

Perseus looks at Jason and thinks his beauty under the light of the day might be a good reason to tolerate the brightness.

It's Leo - with a knowing smirk - that tells them to come to mess hall - they need to plan.

Annabeth and Malcolm are going together to the Tiber River - but the children of Athena aren't leaving without a proper send-off - so they're having lunch together first, all together.

They pile around two tables in a little restaurant. This time is not Percy that asks for pizza - it's Leo and Will.

They eat and joke - and forget they are demigods in a mission that might bring the end of the world. No, for a second they're just teenagers - Malcolm is the oldest at twenty, and Hazel and Will are the youngest, both fifteen.

The group jokes and fools around, spending more or less an hour at the little restaurant. The old man who manages the place has a warm smile upon his face.

They go to the park close to the river to walk around - they are stalling the time they'll have to go back to their hardships. Annabeth and Perseus walk together, apart from the others - she says she wants to catch up.

Annabeth has a crush on Perseus since they were both fourteen. She studied with him for a year - he as a senior, she as a freshman - and this crush only grew. She looked for him for months, he is her best friend and she loves him.

Annabeth still remembers after the war - when she thought they would get together. They were both too caught up in mourning - Perseus even more than her - even if she always knew he corresponded. But this... this might be her last chance to tell him.

So, she kisses him.

Perseus is shocked. He is shocked, and speechless.

"Annabeth..." He says, but she takes this as iniciative and goes back to kissing him "Annabeth!"

Kisses have to mean something to him. And Percy only feels friendship with Annabeth.

She stops, and there are tears in the corners of her eyes. But Perseus just hugs her and says, slowly and as kindly as possible.

"Annabeth... We can't do this. It's been... it's been months. I-... I love you. But we-... I-... Not that way, Annie, not anymore. We spent months apart, and before that, I was too busy with school, and before that..." He takes a deep breath, and clear her tears with his thumbs "I'm sorry. I don't think I can do this."

Annabeth doesn't cry. She doesn't scream and rage with jealously and ask "Who else? Who else if not me?". She wants to because she knows, she knows he loves her, and Annabeth has never been wrong before.

Because she remembers Aphrodite. Her heart doesn't lay with Percy - her heart lays elsewhere. It still hurts - but she just nods and asks him if they can still be friends, for which he answers an enthusiastic yes.

There's a little voice in her head, that keeps comparing her to Reyna Arellano, Jason Grace, and Nico di Angelo, their powerful heritages and legacies. A sliver of poison in her heart, that shows her Rachel, Calypso, and Piper - their beauties far beyond hers.

Then she takes a deep breath, finds her brother, says goodbye to everyone, and leaves with Rhea Silvia and Tiberinus. Annabeth has a mission.

Annabeth and Malcolm pass by the same challenges - she with a broken ankle and him with a twisted wrist - and both fall again in the hands of Arachne.

While the children of Athena fight their way through the underground, Perseus, Hazel, Frank, and Leo embark on a mission after Nico di Angelo, and the rest of the demigods go back to the ship.

Hazel - who is almost sentient to Perseus moods at this point - takes one look at Annabeth's rushed departure and Percy's wistful face, and, when their group takes off, takes the demigod aside, leaving Leo and Frank to walk side by side.

"I'm telling you, Hazel, because you won't tell anyone else - and I don't have anyone else as close as you on board. I would've said yes, perhaps, had she asked this question before... before everything. Had she told me this when I was fourteen or fifteen, I would be overjoyed. But it has been two and a half harrowing years since... since Luke. And I cannot love her - there's too much history."

He tells Hazel what she cannot remember from what Perseus told her in the Fields of Asphodel, and she nods and calms him - she became a kind of his little sister in the short four months that they have known each other alive - and the year and a half they knew each other dead. Closer than most, aside, perhaps, from Rachel (who he still managed to talk to once after this mission started), his mom, Calypso (who he still hasn't be able to contact) and Persephone.

Leo and Frank are behind them - far behind them, so to not accidentally eavesdrop in their conversation. They talk - a little stilted - but it quickly picks rhythm, as Leo is such a charming person - and Frank is a weak, weak man.

You see, while Leo pines from afar for both Hazel and Frank, Frank himself is dealing with the fact that, since leaving Nova Roma, those improper feelings towards inappropriate people resurfaced - now, together with something even worse.

Frank doesn't want just men anymore, like the clear aberration that he is. He wants a boy and a girl - and at the same time, at that! Not only improper - for he is two years older than Hazel and Leo is a boy - but they are clearly infatuated with each other.

And Frank doesn't really think he could be happy with one of them - he wants both, together. Selfish, something in the back of his mind says, so selfish. Let them be happy, they don't need you.

So he hoards this little conversation with Leo in his chest, like a precious treasure he won't ever get the chance to hold again.

Perseus and Hazel eventually go to the underground - while Frank and Leo still talk - about life, about their mothers, even about Frank's stick. Leo wants to hold the boy and never let go.

The Eidolons appear, forcing Leo and Frank down the hole, where they meet back up with Hazel and Perseus. They find a workshop - full of stuff that makes Leo salivate.

While exploring the workshop, the Eidolons take control of the automatons, quickly knocking out Hazel and Frank. Perseus is able to banish them - but by now, the automatons are out of control - it's the Bianca situation all over again.

He and Leo escape into a control room and lock it. Leo finds a control sphere for everything in the shop but they're unable to find the right password. Leo uses the fortune cookie Nemesis gave him to ask for the password, allowing him to take control of the machines and deactivate them forever. Perseus seethes inside - the little manipulative bitch.

When Perseus questions why his efforts with Hazel lead them to this workshop, they find Nico's Celestial Bronze and realize it was a trap. 

Gaea appears in a mirror and taunts them, but Leo burns the mirror - "I thought Mother Nature was supposed to be cool but this is what we got? Sheesh, this is almost Aztec-levels of crazy man" - and they leave to go search for Nico.

[longformautie]

Addressing sexism of autistic men

CW: gender-based violence, including murder and rape

I. Introduction

This post has been coming for a long time. And I mean a LONG time. My thoughts on this topic have been evolving constantly. They will probably evolve even after I post this. I am still learning and welcome feedback.

I was prompted to write this post during the pre-coronavirus Before Times, when I saw that the popular Facebook page Humans Of New York had profiled an autistic man who had become a pickup artist. For context, pickup artists are a group of straight men who will cynically do whatever it takes to get them laid, which of course means blatantly ignoring the needs of the women they interact with, and who share strategies with one another. The autistic man in the photo post talked about how before he was a pickup artist he was hopeless with women, and now he was getting girls - getting laid, even. He said he knew it was manipulative, but that it was only fair - after all, it’s not like anyone had ever sympathized with him for his social difficulties. I was curious about what people had to say in the comments section; turns out, I wasn’t satisfied by any of the takes I found.

The takes I didn’t like can be broken down into two categories. Category number one were formulations like “poor him, he just wants to be accepted.” I’m not even a little bit sympathetic to this take and will only be spending a moment on it. Suffice it to say, it’s hard to take these people at their word that they care about the autism struggle when they don’t show up in droves to the banners of the neurodiversity movement with this level of enthusiasm. Rather, we are part of a culture that likes to sympathize with toxic men. If the man wasn’t autistic, they’d find some other excuse, but since he is, in defending him they can also activate the ableist notion that autistic people are incapable of respecting boundaries. I choose the word “incapable” because if your position is that autistic people sometimes don’t know better than to violate a boundary, the logical conclusion is simply that someone should teach them. To sincerely and enthusiastically take up this kind of “poor autistic guy doesn’t know any better” rhetoric, you have to presume complete incompetence of autistic people and that we’ll never learn, so that when a straight autistic man does a violating thing to a woman, they can shrug their shoulders and say, “well, I guess nothing can be done about this.” This attitude is sexism and ableism couched in a delusion of sympathy.

Category number two of takes, I like lots better but still am not quite satisfied with, and can be roughly summarized: “This isn’t caused by autism, it’s caused by being an asshole.” While I agree that being an asshole is the main ingredient in this cocktail, I don’t think the autism should be dismissed as an irrelevant detail. I think there is a sexism problem specific to autistic men that needs to be separately talked about and addressed. I intend to do so in this post, without assigning blame either to the autism or to the women being abused.

I want to note in advance that this post will be cishet-centric, not because I think straight experiences are universal, partly because the behavior of cishet men is what’s at task here, but mostly because I have no idea how these issues affect LGBTQIA communities. If anyone is able and willing offer insight or resources on that topic, I’d love to hear from you.

I. Autistic men

Having experienced it firsthand, I can say for sure that autistic loneliness is a vicious cycle. By loneliness, I mean a lack of any social connection, not just a lack of romantic or sexual partners. Autism makes social interaction more difficult, which makes it harder to find friends, but, crucially, not having friends also makes social interaction more difficult. More people to interact with means more practice with social interaction; it also means more assistance from comparatively clued-in people who care about us. This vicious cycle can also manifest with respect to a subset of people. For example, an autistic child who only socially interacts with adults may have trouble forming connections with peers. For the purpose of this discussion, I want to focus on the problems this presents for autistic boys who want to interact with girls in their age group.

The scarcity of cross-gender social interaction during childhood need not be framed as a uniquely autistic experience. Societal forces sort us by gender from an incredibly early age, so the vast majority of our social connections in childhood are with people of the same gender. Furthermore, especially during and after adolescence, boys and men are discouraged from being emotionally close with one another. Thus, the norms of masculinity isolate us almost totally from peers of all genders. Our social connections with men must be superficial; our social connections with women must be non-platonic. For those of us who crave the emotional intimacy that our same-gender friendships lack, a romantic relationship is the only socially acceptable opportunity to forming a deep, loving bond with someone close to our own age.

Enter autism (again). Dating, when we hit adolescence, is wholly new to us, and we have been given no opportunity to adjust ourselves to its social norms. Autism makes this a particular challenge, as do gender roles in dating. Since men are supposed to initiate and women are supposed to merely give subtle hints (if not be straight-out “hard to get”), straight autistic men face both the pressure of leaping into an arena that intimidates us, and the bewilderment of not knowing whether it’s working. If I had a crush on you in high school, I probably kept it a secret; if you had a crush on me, I probably didn’t notice.

Worth noting here that none of the things I’ve listed are evidence against autistic men’s actual attractiveness or appeal to women. We are facing access barriers that accumulate over the course of our lives until we finally figure out how to start ripping them down, and when we do, we quite often do get to have romantic and sexual relationships. But the prevailing narrative about autism and other disabilities is that they’re unsexy, and a lot of autistic men buy into that. I myself thought I was one of those autistic men who’d never date or have sex until experience taught me otherwise.

Knowing all this, we can see why a lot of autistic men might feel both that they need a relationship to be happy, and that they cannot possibly have one. This makes us prime targets for recruitment, because the sense of personal injury at being deprived of sexual experiences for reasons beyond one’s control is as indispensable an ingredient in the various movements of the “manosphere” as the sexism itself. It’s not that autistic men are any more or any less sexist than regular men, but that the sexists among us already feel exactly the way these communities require them to feel: deeply aggrieved, and deeply desperate. Pickup artistry both validates this sense of personal injury, and sells itself as the solution: a set of simple, logical rules that, when followed, will grant success. But it misses the uncomfortable truth that while everyone deserves to receive love, no particular person is obliged to give it. This is a deeply frustrating contradiction with no easy solution, but the solution certainly is not to cynically manipulate women into doing the thing you want.

III. Allistic women

I never was a pickup artist, but that doesn’t mean I never harbored a grievance against women for my loneliness. After all, I thought, wouldn’t my perpetual singleness end if women were more direct and assertive? As such, I worry that other people who read this may end up pinning the responsibility for autistic loneliness onto individual women too. The previous section hints at why that’s wrong, but I also want to take the time to explain why it’s deeply unfair.

My autism and masculinity were first brought into conjunction (or was it conflict?) in my mind in my freshman year of college. One of my new Facebook friends shared a Tumblr blog called “Straight White Boys Texting” which was a collection of screenshots of unwanted straight white boy texts, running the gamut from simple inability to take a hint to bona fide “what color is your thong” garbage. I felt pretty attacked, partly because I wasn’t yet used to seeing myself as part of a “straight white boys” collective that people didn’t like, and partly because what I saw was a bunch of guys missing social cues and taking things literally, just as a younger me would have done. I felt like I needed to say something - and boy, was that a bad decision. I said something about how the women in the screenshots needed to be more direct, and got instant (and deserved) backlash both for focusing on the least important problem in the interactions and for placing responsibility for a male behavior problem squarely back onto women.

At the time, I didn’t have a coherent framework for understanding sexism. Since then, I’ve learned that giving a direct no can occasionally get women killed, and most often at least gets them yelled at and insulted. Giving a yes also comes with its own risks - the risk of rape, in (unfortunately-not-actually-so-)extreme cases where that inch of “yes” results in guys taking a mile, but also the more pervasive risk of being socially stigmatized as slutty or promiscuous. It’s often the most women can get away with to be subtle (rather than completely silent) about all of their wants and needs, so that a discerning man who actually cares will know what those wants and needs are and respect them.

This puts those of us who have trouble with reading subtle signals in a difficult position if we inadvertently cross a boundary, but that’s not a problem women can reasonably be expected to solve. If a man crosses a woman’s boundaries because he simply doesn’t respect them, he wants to make it look like it’s an accident so that he will be forgiven. “But Aaron,” you might say, “didn’t you just say that the right thing to do in those situations is to teach people the right behavior, not ignore it?” Yes, that’s true. But that assumes the continuation of a conversation that a woman might feel safer just skipping; if a man is making her feel uncomfortable, she’s probably not inclined to continue to converse with him in order to establish whether his intentions were good or bad. When we impose the burden of freeing males from loneliness onto women, we are asking them to continue to interact with frightening men at their own peril.

Ironically enough, some of these frightening men are the autistic pickup artists from part 1. This means that pickup artists, far from “solving” the problems with dating they feel aggrieved by, are actually making it more difficult for everyone except themselves by giving women one more reason to be scared and cynical, and men who slip up one more type of monster to be mistaken for.

IV. Autistic women

At first glance, it seems like there’s a choice to be made here, between supporting autistic men who want to be valued as potential romantic and sexual partners and supporting allistic women who just want to be safe. But what I’m realizing more and more is that when there seems to be a conflict between the needs of two marginalized groups, the right choice is generally to avoid picking a side and instead find ways to support both groups. This works well, not only because both groups get what they want, but because if a side must be chosen, the people at the intersection of the two groups will lose both ways.

Autistic women bear the brunt of every part of this mess, as described in detail by Kassiane Asasumasu on her blog, Radical Neurodivergence Speaking (see  the links later in this paragraph). Because autistic men fear ableism from neurotypical women, we tend to believe that autistic women are the only partners who will accept us for who we are. As a result, autistic women report being swarmed at autism meetup groups by men looking for a girlfriend, and those men who struggle with independent living are more than willing to escape that by leaning on the patriarchal expectation that the woman does all the chores, even when she is an autistic woman who struggles with the exact same tasks. This means autistic women actually interact with sexist autistic men the most, and not only are they subject to the same toxic shit that allistic women have to deal with, but they’re also expected to “understand” these men and thus endlessly tolerate their (supposedly inevitable) shitty behavior.

V. Solutions

Fortunately, the choice between female safety and autistic desirability is not a choice we have to make, but the solutions are not as simple as members of one or the other group simply choosing to behave differently. Rather, they require the collective participation of all kinds of people.

Addressing autistic male sexism necessarily means addressing sexism. It means respecting when women say no, rather than making it an unpleasant experience they might fear to repeat. It means teaching consent in special education classrooms, so that no one can claim in good faith that an autistic boy who crosses a boundary simply doesn’t know better. It means teaching girls, as they grow into women, that they are under no obligation to tolerate sexist behavior out of sympathy for the sexist man.

But addressing sexism also means supporting boys and men as they escape the confines of conventional masculinity. It means enabling and encouraging them to have close friends of all genders. It means reminding them that they don’t need a woman, any more than a woman needs a man.

In addition to addressing sexism, we need to address the ableism that prevents autistic people from accessing not just dating but emotional closeness of all kinds. We need to stimulate autistic people’s peer relationships at all stages of life. We cannot do this if special ed teachers continue to view us as broken allistic people rather than whole autistic people, nor can we do it if they view us as incomplete adults rather than entire children. If an autistic boy is unable to learn about condoms because it offends the sensibilities of the teacher, or if he is unable to learn how to talk like a teenager because his parents would like him to learn to speak like an adult, then that autistic boy is being deprived both of autonomy and of the opportunity to learn.

Furthermore, we need to teach allistic children how to interact with their autistic peers. Autistic people need no additional incentive to learn how to interact with the societal majority who control their access to jobs, housing, healthcare, education, political representation, and much more. Allistic people can, however, choose not to bother learning how to support and include us and face almost no social consequences beyond not getting to see my cool maps. Rather than alleviating this unequal distribution of incentives, adults generally exacerbate it by focusing only on the social development of autistic children with respect to interactions with allistic people, but not on the social development of allistic children towards being able to interact with autistic people. This is because the prevailing view regarding autism is still that our modes of moving through the world are incorrect and defective, whereas allistic modes of social interaction are viewed as normal and valid even when they exclude others.

The problem of autistic male sexism is hairy and complicated, but if we take the above steps, we can solve it without further stigmatizing autism, and without victim-blaming women. We don’t have to leave anyone behind in this conversation. Rather, by fighting both for autism acceptance and consent culture, we can produce a more just world where everyone gets the love and respect that they deserve.

[holographic-bone-jester]

Let’s go back over a few awesomebro“arguments” very quick because i got a fresh one yesterday

“Accuracy limits creativity”:

I have mentioned in the past that “not bothering with accuracy” is just an excuse for creators to shamelessly copy Jurassic Park and other influential 90s/early 2000s media. Even the bark of the JP raptor has been done to death. I don’t think i need to waste my time saying much more. Once again, here are some examples:

“You are trying to destroy my childhood”:

Nothing keeps you from enjoying older forms of dinosaur media, as a matter of fact, we love them too, and we likely love Jurassic Park far more than you do, considering that the very first scene of the movie is literally about the close relationship between dromaeosaurs and birds, on how science doesn’t give a shit about what you find cool, and that feathers have no bearing on how dangerous an animal could theoretically be, any of which you clearly have learned nothing from, as i see a lots of “six foot turkeys aren’t scary” annoying kids, and not so many Alan Grants. 

Does the simple fact of scientific discoveries making the way we see things change with time really “ruins your childhood” so much that you feel a raging urge to fight Science ? Because if that’s the case, first of all Facts don’t give a shit about you and will inevitably come to the surface no matter how much you try to drown them in trash, and secondly.. who the fuck are you ? What makes you so High and Grand that you feel entitled to tell scientists what they should and shouldn’t say depending on what you want ? Either you’re some sort of medieval cleric lost in time, a 12 years old, or a very miserable adult; weirdly enough, i’m more inclined to believe one of the latter. Grow up.

“The way pop culture treats dinosaurs does not harm people so it’s not bad” /  “There are more important matters to care about”

Well neither do flat-earthers and creationists, yet you won’t see many non-religious people argue that we should let their misinformation spread because it “doesn’t harm anyone”. “Harm” can mean many things, it can be physical, like anti-vax actively killing people and bringing back disease, in which case yeah, saying raptors didn’t have feathers or whatever doesn’t do that, and i’ve never claimed it as grave as such. 

But “harm” also comes in another form, a slower rising, less blunt form, misinformation inevitably leads to issues. What do you think gave oil to the trainwreck of anti vaxx in the first place ? The answer is personal bias fed by misinformation. People being bias towards medicine being bad and all things natural being good, and a scammer setting up lies leaning into this ideology to make money, now leading to people actually dying from exposure to disease we can cure. 

Do you know what else is a bias fed by misinformation ? Creationism and the overall idea that evolution is a lie; and people being misinformed about non-avian dinosaurs and the origin of birds feed directly into this. The fake theory that bird =/= dinosaur is a godsend (pun intended) to creationists, and false arguments made up by awesomebros trying to “disprove” the presence of feathers on dinosaurs, as sloppy and even sometimes racist as they can be, get fetched by creationists who use it for their own greater agenda. There is never such a thing as “passable” misinformation: Anything can be used to manipulate people, because our big monkey brains inevitably have bias and like it being stroked no matter by what.

Futhermore, awesomebros have shown many times that in most cases, their entitlement doesn’t come in the form of fact-denial alone, most are also racist, sexist, queerphobic and ableist. They think of their entitlement as a form of rebellious cynicism, and act like they are this cool outcast trolling them stupid sheeople by raiding and invading every communal spaces to make it as toxic towards oppressed demographics as possible. As i also mentioned in the past, their invasion of dinosaur-related fandoms also exposes them to younger people, who can be easily dragged into this hateful behavior, making this even bigger of an issue.

[chaosbcrne]

i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.

i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.

before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.

as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.

the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.

for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.

there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements. 

however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.

what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.

for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.

it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.

for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.

obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.

if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.

if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.

i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail crimsonxblur@gmail.com is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.

as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.

as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.

if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.

it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.

thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.

once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.

[kingofthewilderwest]

How can you be proud of being Celiac? That’s like me being proud of having my arm ripped off by a shark and gloating about how awesome having one arm is. Being broken isn’t something to proud of. It’s shameful you just need to get over it and eat what people give you people in Africa are starving and here you are complaining about food. Grow up.

Sorry your post just sounded condescending like people aren’t allowed to talk about a normal thing like food because you are triggered by food and don’t seem to understand people are starving in third world countries and you are acting like being a burden to others because of your so called food allergy is a good thing. Get over it and eat what people give you stop being a big baby just eat it the worse that can happen is you get a tummy ache. Unless your allergy is deadly you have no excuse.

Heya friend! It’s great to hear from you and I’m hoping you’re having a spectacular, relaxing day! You’ll be glad to know that my emotional low from last night is over. I got a good night’s rest, woke happy, and am ready to blog about dragons and other non-personal things you may enjoy more! :D 

I also want to say I got your later ask. I’m touched you went and learned more about Celiac, and took the effort of sending me a kindhearted follow-up. I don’t know many people who would do that, so huge kudos, dude. It’s cool between us, friend, and I’m not offended. Thankfully I’ve got a tough hide and it takes a lot more to make me blink. I’m just feeling grateful you came to stop by again.

I hope it’s okay with you if I respond to your original message, though. There’s still a number of things that bother me, which weren’t nullified with your final message, which I would like to respectfully address.

I’m sorry if you or anyone else felt I spoke condescendingly or selfishly. I never wish to make others feel unwelcome. I was hoping to vent my perspective while showing that I care about others’ perspectives on this topic. If my words suggested negativity toward the other party, I did exactly what I didn’t wish or intend to do, didn’t even feel toward them, and I’m sorry for hurting anyone in the process.

What my post was about (for people catching up on this convo)

Last night under a Read More, I wrote a rare train-of-thought venting post. As you might expect on a personal vent post, I was emotionally compromised, obviously unhappy, and talking about my feelings. I talked about what it’s like for me to have a squick on food as a conversation topic.

I discussed how I felt uncomfortable but let everyone socialize, talk, etc. about food in front of me, because I didn’t find it worthwhile to bring up my discomfort and find compromise, and because I wanted to put my friends’ happiness first. In the few times I confided with friends that it bothered me, little changed afterwards. I’d rather stay silent and make people comfortable than worry I’m a social burden by restricting conversations on food, or have people try to cook accommodating dietary restrictions they’re not educated on accommodating. Essentially, I constantly fake friendly and minimize my social impact so others have fun and I’m never seen as a spoilsport or bother.

I said Celiac Disease means it’s hard to partake in trust-forming cultural food rituals (dinner parties, gifting food, religious ceremonies). I said don’t enjoy food related socialization because I feel socially left out and unable to bond in the activities everyone else can bond in. While I’m comfortable with Celiac Disease, proud of being gluten free, I said my challenge comes with interacting in a culture that can’t easily include me because of dietary differences.

I mentioned food’s also an uncomfortable topic because it’s central to ongoing mental illness struggles: I had eating disorder issues in college, and also have chronic difficulties eating properly in my Depression swings. Since food is a battle I’m constantly fighting, I have negative associations with it.

To make things clear: there was no point I said I forced others to comply with my desires and comforts, or believed people should be censored for talking about everyday things they liked. There was no point where I said that I felt like a social burden because of pride in my diet, or that my pride was what made me a social burden. I’m not happy that my squick and food intolerance can infringe on other people’s comforts, especially when I know they want to connect with me relationally and I have to awkwardly decline that goodwill gesture.

Aaaaand now we’re all on the same page!

About Celiac Disease the medical condition

Celiac Disease is an autoimmune disorder where the body responds to gluten like poison. Even small amounts of ongoing cross-contamination can result in permanently damaged small intestines. Long-term effects of ingesting gluten include everything from anemia to infertility to osteoporosis to neurological disorders / brain damage to cancer risks. It’s imperative for Celiacs to eat a strict gluten free diet for health.As an infant, before I got diagnosed and was put on a gluten free diet, I was malnourished, with a distended stomach, losing weight. Before the USA required health insurance companies to accept people with pre-existing conditions, I was denied coverage because I was considered a “high risk” medical liability.

Short-term effects can be nasty. Everyone’s different when they have a one-time exposure incident, but the last time I accidentally ingested gluten, I was vomiting, dry retching, disoriented from extreme vertigo, and reduced to shaking violently, uncontrollably on the floor for 2+ hours. It was so bad I feared I’d somehow ODed on ibuprofen (because it felt similar to ODing… heh, the one time I did accidentally OD myself, it was THE worst I’ve felt physically in my LIFE).That time spent trembling on the floor doesn’t include the diarrhea, bloating, headaches, etc. that followed once I felt comfortable standing and walking again.All that happened because a restaurant didn’t take my order seriously when I carefully specified “gluten free noodles.” Because somebody in the kitchen thought I’m some entitled special snowflake, eh? Funny joke to make the finicky eater eat what they don’t like, huh?

Even for allergies with no long-term health complications, I think it’s bad to hold the burden of social “kindness” on the person being offered food. In a situation where someone offers food to another, it’s socially dispreferred to decline the meal. Depending on culture, it can be seen as extremely rude.But nobody should have to HARM themselves to please a gift giver. That’s what happens when people with food issues accept a food gift. Doesn’t matter that the food’s offered in good faith. Doesn’t matter if it’s only one night of bloating and headaches. I shouldn’t have to stab myself in the hand if someone offers me a sewing needle. I know culturally food’s a big deal, but that’s why we contemporary society needs better education on dietary restrictions, allergens, and intolerances. It’s frankly terrifying that someone is called SELFISH for not wanting to be HURT. There’s polite ways we could thank a person, decline their offer, and show we care about them through other means.

About Celiac Disease, pride, and identity

I’m only “broken” because others say I am.You’re not broken for being unable to digest arsenic. You can still eat healthy, nutritional foods and live a full, productive life. Same with me. It’s just my poison’s gluten. It’s easy to eat balanced meals and get every protein, every chemical, my body needs. My body isn’t breaking down.That’s hardly the same thing as a shark attacking me in some near-death experience. And let’s give sharks love, by the way! More people die from elevators. [source! XD]

Your analogy with the arm worries me, friend. Talking about someone’s disability that derogatorily is ableist. While losing a limb can be traumatic for many and requires enormous, challenging lifestyle changes… calling someone “broken” for one less appendage is regrettably offensive language. 

I think it’s interesting in one sentence you call me “broken” and use the analogy of a near-deadly shark attack… and then in the next sentence downplay my issues as so irrelevant they’re just a “tummy ache.” Which is it, friend? I’m thankful you read up on Celiac and now know it’s more severe than that, but I hope when you run into future instances of even people with “lesser” allergies, you might reconsider how you discuss our everyday diet and food social choices. 

I’m not proud of Celiac Disease because it makes me a finicky eater (contrarily, used to menu limitations, I’ll gratefully eat just about anything safe). People with food intolerances aren’t finicky eaters; they’re people trying to protect their health. What I mean by pride is confidence in my identity and pride for the lifestyle Celiac has given me.

Pride in identity, even about unideal sides of us, I think is healthy. We cripple ourselves if we’re unable to emotionally accept we’re imperfect. And I don’t mean something like “proud of being a jerk.” I mean “proud of getting through life.” Pride in experiencing bad circumstances makes sense. I’m NOT saying my diet is Some Giant Trial, but when people go through trials, we can take pride in that we survived, grew, and matured through pain. Difficulties mold us into better people, so while we might not enjoy suffering, we can take pride in the better person suffering made us be. Honestly, in the areas where I have gone through major shit, I wouldn’t change anything about that past; I’d rather have learned from the pain than be the fool I was before.

Pride in our identity is also about accepting we can be unique people, comfortable differing from the crowd. The reason I’m happy and comfortable is that for me, Celiac is a lifestyle, not a limitation. We define ourselves by how we interact and integrate with culture. Diet is one way we can find lifestyle and comfort. Even if I could magically eat rye tomorrow, I wouldn’t. I never would, because a gluten free diet is ingrained into my cultural, everyday thinking and lifestyle. People can take pride in their family’s Thai cuisine; others can feel happy in something like vegetarianism or gluten-free eating, too. It’s part of my identity. I like that avoiding gluten has allowed me to think critically of my health and diet, be confident in being individual from the crowd, and be conscientious not only in how I consume food products, but how I choose to delegate my time and money. I also feel like it’s taught me how to be more self conscious of what others may need, and to be content with what I can have. It definitely doesn’t make me a perfect person (heh, I suck), but I think it’s taught me valuable things, and I’m proud that I can continue living this lifestyle as part of me.Also I frankly would feel weird as FUCK if I could just walk up and eat something without thinking. That’s… that’s not normal to me. xD I can’t untrain two and a half decades of constantly reading labels, haha!

The morality of focusing on everyday woes

Logical fallacies are unsound arguments which use incorrect reasoning. In other words, if someone uses a logical fallacy, their arguments are useless. The Fallacy of Relative Privation is a logical fallacy that disregards information because more important problems exist elsewhere. It fails to take into account that multiple problems can exist on our radar simultaneously, and that we as humans have a right to handle both serious and simple issues in our lives.As you may see now, your first message did use that fallacy.

I’m no Great Moral Teacher… I’m an idiot human like the rest of us… but I hope it’s not presumptuous of me to consider…The existence of starving, dying children in “third” (and first!) world countries… doesn’t mean I shouldn’t help my neighbor’s child when she gets a sprained ankle. Why would I sit back when she’s injured? We make positive impact when we treat sprains. By contrast, criticisms make zero positive impact. Doing kind deeds, big and little, will ALWAYS make more net good than not doing small kindnesses. Personally, I suspect we can’t provide optimal sympathy and change the world… unless we’re able to acknowledge and handle all manners of struggles. Are we truly a kind person if we tout about Big Political Issues while ignoring every emotion and feeling that makes a human tick? Are we providing the best response to someone who’s lost their home in a hurricane… if we’re not comforting them through that tragedy like they’re an everyday neighbor?I’d probably look like an asshole if a friend who hadn’t eaten all day came to me, said they’d lost their wallet, and asked to borrow five bucks – and I said, “Grow up, there’s starving children in Eritrea.” I don’t have to lend the $5, that’s chill, but telling him his problems are nothing because of starving kids is… well… ridiculous. That’s an ABSURD, out-of-proportion response to something I can easily fix, no fuss.There’s no reason I can’t say, “Sure, pay me back next week,” hand him $5, and then when I get home, make sure I’ve sent my $50 monthly donation to [insert NGO here]. I’d definitely be an asshole friend if every time he wanted to talk to me about things that weren’t optimal (rent, a rude text from his ex, grocery bill prices), I just said, “Grow up, baby, there’s bigger problems.” In life, it’s both relevant for me to pay my bills (a small stress) and consider donating to big causes that’ll stop the Amazon rain forest burnings. We’re able to – and all of us *do* – handle both sets of priorities, the big and the little.So why shouldn’t we go about our lives, looking into not only the “big” things we can do, but taking advantage when we can help people with their everyday discomforts, too?I just wish to say this so that none of us continue using the “someone’s doing worse” argument to discount others’ problems. There’s no reason why we can’t respect everyone’s struggles and help out everywhere. Doing our part to make more people comfortable and content is never in vain.

If anyone get frustrated about someone’s vent post again, I hope we all can remember! If the important things in life are Big Issues like world hunger. Maybe we should find ways to not get prioritize our time, effort, emotions, opinions, and investment prioritizing. On one soon-to-be forgotten post. Out of tens of thousands one blogger made. Out of billions. Of posts. From millions of people. On a website. That is used to share furry porn and loss.jpg memes. XD Heeheehee.

About venting on tumblr

When a person is venting, they’re going through a momentary emotional low. That’s not their normal, everyday personality. Lots of people are humble and controlled when discussing the same topics in better mental states. I know I sounded emotional in that post and focused that post on me; that’s the point of venting, though. Bottling up is unhealthy; occasionally talking out what bothers us is useful emotional processing.Even the greatest people have bad days where what they’ve bottled blows up. Are we not allowed to have occasional bad days where we break down? Are we not allowed to talk about our personal feelings because others don’t have the same problem? Does a one-time venting about one issue for one hour make us lifelong selfish whiners?Heck, if Jesus Christ is allowed a moment where he cusses out a fig tree for not having ripe fruit, and billions of people respect his moral teachings, I think we’re ALL allowed moments where we break down and cry over everyday stress. XD

One fascinating issue with social media, especially tumblr, is that our blogs are personal accounts, but followers treat blogs like consumable content. While Maria’s on tumblr to socialize with friends or talk about fandom, her followers want to be entertained by her “product,” her original posts. Unfortunately, this means many bloggers get condemned for being human. They get criticized for everyday reactions everyday humans experience: venting, having a bad day, or making simple mistakes. But this isn’t a professional account of a celebrity who has PR editing posts for public image; these are social accounts of everyday people experiencing life’s ups and downs, who should be allowed to use their personal blog as they will. They’re not cultivated entertainers; they’re creatures socializing online.

Maybe 1% of my posts are emotional venting. I don’t like venting much on tumblr. 100% of those rare vent posts are placed under read mores with tags that make it clear I’m venting. If any of ya’ll don’t want to experience them, you can choose not to click “Read More”. And you’ll never even see what I’m feeling!

Anyway! I’m all chill now! You guys have a great day, stay awesome, and thanks for thinking about the impacts of allergies, intolerances, eating disorders, and autoimmune diseases! I’m very thankful to the people who talked to me when I was struggling last night, listened to me, and suffered through my emotionality. I’m excited to keep talking about dragons and whatever else comes my way on tumblr! Hope we can have fun talking about these things together!

[aspergersissues]

Stephen Hawking is one of my heroes, and I don’t use that word lightly. He and I are both disabled scientists. He’s been my inspiration to work hard to try and get to the point where I can be remembered for my contributions to knowledge and not my disabilities. Sadly, my academic life collapsed around me because of horrific people who decided I didn’t deserve a shot specifically because I’m disabled. I have trouble with words when it comes to things like this. I found a post on Facebook by someone named Celeste Adams and I wanted to share their words here. I think they sum it all up so nicely. The only part I feel needs clarity is that Hawking was British and got healthcare through the NIH, not insurance. He actually published many articles praising universal health care and arguing its importance. Anyway, here’s Celeste’s comments: “In light of the death of Stephen Hawking I, as a disabled person, would like to say a few words regarding this event, disability, and the way non-disabled people are reacting to this news: Professor Stephen Hawking was an upper class physically disabled white male who was one of the most important and renowned scientists of our time. His work changed the way everyone thought about the world and what is beyond and the legacy he left behind will probably go unmatched. Since his passing last night I’ve seen a lot of headlines regarding his death that have gone something like, “Despite his disability, Stephen Hawking accomplished…” or posts where people have said things such as “If Stephen Hawking was able to do it, then you have no excuse to not try!”. There has even been “artwork” circulating of a drawing of his wheelchair in the foreground and, in the background, imagery of the cosmos with a standing, upright, abled version of Hawking’s silhouette in its midst. Now while the respect for Hawking’s work seems to be universal, the respect the majority of you have for him as a disabled person is nonexistent, and headlines and posts like these prove it. As the late disability rights activist Stella Young talked about in her TED Talk “I’m Not Your Inspiration, Thank You Very Much”, the world has been sold a lie that for disabled people the barrier in our lives, the tragedy of being disabled, is our disabilities themselves, and as a result we get praised and rewarded by non-disabled people simply for existing and waking up each morning. This is what she refers to as “Inspiration Porn”, where disabled people are objectified and used as tools so non-disabled people can think to themselves, “Well, at least I don’t have it that bad,” and, “If that person can do it, then maybe I should try a little harder” and as a result feel better about themselves. But the rhetoric that our lives are tragedies and barriers that we have to overcome really is nothing but a dangerous ableist lie. The only “barriers” we face are the social and economic ones that are created, enforced, and preserved, by non-disabled people like YOU. This includes hate crimes, denying us access to healthcare, putting us into poverty when we actually can access healthcare, denying us our right to education, denying us jobs that we are fully qualified for, *legally* paying us less than the minimum wage when we do get a job, designing environments that are inaccessible so we can’t leave our homes or even find a home to begin with, taking our children away from us, killing us off or sterilizing us when we are children, incarcerating and institutionalizing us, and CHOOSING to not report any of this in the media or teach our histories in schools. There’s so much more than what’s in that list that each and every one of us has to deal with, but one of the most harmful things of all is this lie that WE are the problem. That our IDENTITIES as disabled people is the real barrier we have to face. Not ableism. Not your willful ignorance. Not your hate or your biases or judgements or constant global debates on whether people like me should be allowed to live or die. But it’s always easier to blame the disabled person, right? So what does this have to do with Hawking? A few things. First of all, recognize what you are doing when you separate Hawking and his work from his disability. He actually said once that he probably wouldn’t have been able to do the work he had done if it *wasn’t* for being disabled. Whether you like it or not, Hawking changed the world and he changed the world while being disabled. Recognize the ableism and the objectification you enforce when you say and post things about all the he accomplished “despite” being disabled. None of his work was done in spite of his disability, it was WITH his disability, and no matter how hard you all try you can’t change that, and you shouldn’t want to. Which brings me to my next point… I started this bit of writing off by describing Hawking as an “upper class physically disabled white male” and I did this very intentionally. Because of his class status Hawking was able to get access to and afford the proper medical treatment he needed. He was able to have in-home care, skilled doctors, and all the technological and assistive devices he needed such as a wheelchair and speech synthesizer. Now if he had been poor or even middle class, not even half of his care would’ve been possible. (For context, the market price of my own personal wheelchair is $50,000. Yes that’s four zeros. And mine is pretty standard. This is why insurance is so important.) Additionally, no matter what you class status is, when you bring intersections such as race and gender identity into the equation, life as a disabled person becomes even more difficult because you have a whole other set of biases and forms of discrimination set up against you. There’s a reason that the only famous disabled person most people can name is Stephen Hawking, and that’s almost entirely because he was a rich white man. Now this isn’t me entirely trying to argue that Hawking is only famous because he could afford to be and didn’t have to deal with any other type of discrimination aside from ableism. He was a true genius and that is undeniable. My point here is rather that look at what happens when disabled people have access to basic resources. Look at what happens when we’re not killed off or sterilized as kids. Look at what happens when we have access to healthcare and we can afford it. Look at what happens when we’re allowed to get an eduction. Look at what happens when we can get a job. Look at what happens when our books are published and people listen to us. Look at what happens when we are supported and valued by society. Look at what happens when we’re given the tools and the opportunities to be able to reach for the god dammed stars and people pay attention. If the disabled community can give you Stephen Hawking, one of the most important people to ever live, who else is out there? What other geniuses and incredible talents can we offer if given the chance? And what if those chances extended beyond disabled white men? What if we made sure that disabled people of color, and women, and queer, and trans, and poor folks could get the same opportunities and care and tools and resources as well? What if instead of shaming disability and intersectionality we embraced and supported it? And all you have to do is accept us. All you have to do is be an ally, educate yourselves on disability history and culture and rights, fight with us, help us, listen to us, and support us. All you have to do is stop blaming us for who we are and start embracing who we are. So I leave you with this photo of Stephen Hawking taken by Annie Leibovitz. Leibovitz noticed that in many photos of Hawking the photographers had tried to keep as much of his wheelchair out of the photo as possible. Thankfully she recognized the harm in this and the importance of embracing his disability, so here he is, wheelchair and all. Rest in peace Professor Hawking. May you be the first of many crips we get to celebrate in our lifetimes.”

[stimmyvillainarchive]

WHY does the android app gotta suck so much, when i click the faq link it just like refreshes the page,,,, this happens with all links in bios on the andoird app :[

NNNN lovin this broke ass app.

I’mma go ahead and paste the FAQ just under the cut, hopefully you should be able to read it now :’))

(FAQ is written by Mod Joker)

“Are requests open?”

We get this ask a lot. And while I don’t mind answering, it does get a lilll annoying sometimes since we’re essentially repeating ourselves constantly. Before you ask, please check our ask box! It will ALWAYS give our request status!

From now on if we receive requests when they’re closed, we’re going to delete the message entirely. You’re free to ask again when they’re open, but we need breaks!

“Can allistic/neurotypical people follow?”

Yes! So long as you’re respectful of stimming and understand it’s not an aesthetic or something to make fun of.

“It says there’s two mods, but I only really see Mod Joker post.”

There is! But Mod Boo is rather, well, shy. We both are, tbh. I’ve just gotten used to talking a lot on this blog. And to tell ya the truth I invited her to mod this with me because she considered making a blog but wasn’t sure how she’d do it, and was worried she’d be too awkward/quiet. But she actually tends to see your messages a lot! She just tends to let me handle things. But if you ever wanna talk to her, just say the message is specifically for her and I’m sure she’ll get back to you. She’s very friendly and tbh one of the best people to talk to!!

“How do you make gifs?”

I use the same method stimmybby uses! His tutorial’s right here!

“How do you make banners?”

I use photoshop and for backgrounds (depending on what type of background), I use paint tool SAI. I made a tutorial on how I do it here!

“Can we use your banners for posts that aren’t stim related?”

Absolutely! So long as credit is given and you’re not in our dni, then use it as you like! Discourse posts, art, vent posts, promo posts, whatever floats your boat!

“Can I use your gif/s?”

As long as there’s credit to us for the gif/s and you don’t apply to our dni, you’re free to!

“How can I credit you?”

There’s a few ways! Such as

- Including the credit in the post and/or under the cut (this is the best way people can access the original post and see the credit!

- Include the credit in the post’s captions

- Include the credit in the tags

- Include a link in the post to another post that has the credits in it

- Saying you got the gif/s from us in the post

“What are bad/wrong ways to ”“credit”“ you?”

- Saying “I don’t own these gifs”

- Saying “credit to the original owner(s)/gifmaker(s)

- Straight up not saying you took these gifs from people/including in no credits

- Claiming the gif/s are yours/you made them

If I see any of these I WILL publicly call you out on it and you WILL be blocked immediately thereafter. That block will not be lifted.

“What does REG mean?”

Reactionary Exclusionary Gatekeeper. Meaning people who try to exclude certain queer people from queer spaces. Such a biphobes, transphobes, aphobes, panphobes, and so on.

“What does TERF mean?”

Trans/Transgender Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Meaning radfems who are transphobic and are violent towards trans people (especially trans women).

“What does SWERF mean?”

Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. They’re radfems who try to exclude sex worker from their feminism and often treat women attracted to men as less worthy.

“What’s the ADT community?”

ADT stands for “Actually Dysphoric Trans/Transgender” and was created by transmedicalists/truscum to break off from the trans community. It’s an insult to the trans community, an insult to the creator of the transgender pride flag (it’s removed the white that was there for people who ID as non-binary/outside the gender binary), and is there purely to start drama and create rifts in a community that’s already got enough enemies for simply existing in a transphobic world

“He/Him lesbians don’t exist/they’re transphobic towards trans men”

As a trans man who doesn’t think the world revolves around me and who understands that what lesbians decide to do it literally none of my goddamn business: get the fuck over yourself you whiny pissbaby

“What do you mean by people in the true crime community?”

People who sexualize, romanticize, excuse, and/or support serial killers and their actions/crimes. This doesn’t include people who are INTERESTED in the topic of crimes, serial killers, etc but acknowledging how these people are disgusting and their actions are unforgivable.

“Why are you anti-cgl?”

Cause we hate pedophiles and are decent human beings.

“You’re bigoted to kinksters just like homophobes are bigoted to gay people!”

I hate to break it to ya bud but I’m proudly kinkphobic and you’re a giant homophobe!!

“I’m a SFW cgl(re)/littlespace blog so I’m following/interacting uwu”

No the fuck you aren’t!! You’re a kink blog, there’s no such thing as a “sfw kink” even if you’re remaining two braincells are too busy fighting over the last pacifier to tell you some fuckin common sense. Your ass is getting blocked and I’ll also be using your blog to take a look at the people you interact and block them too just for safe measure! Eat a cactus, fuck nugget

“You hate lesbians if you hate TERFs”

You owe every lesbian an apology for assuming they’re all mysogynistic, LGBT+phobic pieces of horseshit like you are. Eat a dick.

“aces/aros aren’t LGBT uwu”

Wow… that’s so wrong Alexa play Fuck You by Lily Allen

“Me/Someone I know/(insert user/s) has been blocked. Why?”

There can be a number of reasons why you’re blocked, and I’m not afraid to block people as I want this place comfortable and safe for the mods and followers. So there’s several reasons as to why.

- You apply to our DNI (see BYF)

- You’re a (insert harmless children’s cartoon) critical blog (I tend to block those due to them saying LGBT+phobic things)

- You get into kin drama

- You’re an ace discourse, pan discourse, bi discourse, and/or overall REG discourse blog (this does not mean I block inherently block discourse blogs! I block the shitty ones)

- You’re a spam/porn/etc bot (if I’ve gotten this wrong, lemme know! I tend to block shady and empty blogs for this reason unless their desc/url/etc says it’s empty/weird for a reason)

- You’re a blog that frequently posts/centers around one or more of my triggers

- You’re an aesthetic blog (though I tend to soft block for them. But this is NOT an aesthetic blog and stimmy is NOT an aesthetic)

- You’re an “anyone can interact” stim blog

- You’re a stim blog that steals/doesn’t credit the gifs they use

- I feel you and I are going to argue and I’m just saving us the trouble of future unpleasant encounter/s

- You’ve been shitty to my friends or just been shitty to people in general and I’ve noticed it

HOWEVER I’ve made slip ups in the past! If you feel you don’t apply to any of these, you can contact me through my main and ask why. Sometimes I don’t always remember why I blocked somebody (sadly there’s a lot of shitheads on this site I’ve needed to block) or I’ve confused one blog for another person’s blog. Or maybe the person was more chill than I thought. Please contact me yourself rather than ask somebody else to do it though so I can get all the details! Even if I don’t lift the block, I won’t report you for block evading or anything.

“You used to be kidheart friendly and now you’re not, why’s that?”

Sadly, Raven (the creator of Kidhearts) has proven to be a bully sympathizer and feels it’s okay to compare agere to kinks/cgl and sides with regressionuncensored. She condones bullying/harassment/the sexualization of minors and I am not nor will ever be okay with that.

“But Raven sai-”

I don’t care what she says. She made it abundantly clear that she supports regressionuncensored and I don’t care that it came back to bite her in the ass. Bullies deserve no support, no sympathy, no nothing. And if you side with her than don’t come near this blog. This is agere safe and I will not allow people who support sexualizing it to interact. Kidhearts WILL be blocked on the spot, no questions asked.

“I’ve left a community on the dni list, can I follow/interact?”

Yes!

“Why are you anti-(insert thing on blacklist here)?”

Camp Camp: It’s racist + antisemitic

Dragon Maid: It’s pedophilic

Killing Stalking: It’s homophobic, ableist, sexist, perpetuates rape culture, and fetishizes abuse

Your Lie in April: It romanticizes child abuse and it literally starts off with a gross pedo joke when we meet the love interest in episode one

Split: It’s ableist

Hetalia: It’s antisemitic

Harry Potter/J.K. Rowling’s works: Actually there’s nothing inherently bad about the story. I just don’t like it. HOWEVER: I can’t stand J.K. Rowling as she’s a TERF/overall LGBT+phobe, and racist. So none of her creations will be featured here.

Sonic Boom: Nothing inherently problematic. I just can’t stand the show because it just fuckin sucks

13 Reasons Why: It romanticizes suicide and the creators refused to listen to actual mental health experts and have made the show potentially dangerous to anyone who even slightly deals with suicidal thoughts/urges

Detroit Become Human: It’s racist + antisemitic

Voltron: Legendary Defender: It queerbaits/it’s LGBT+phobic

“REG is a transphobic term”

I, Mod Joker, am trans. Try again.

“A-specs aren’t LG-”

*buzzer sound* wrong. So sad for you

“You’re not LGBT+ because you DARED disagree with me because you actually acknowledged that tumblr didn’t credit the community sweaty uwu”

We get this shit because a lot of you assume I’m ace or at the very least a-spec. And… Ya couldn’t be far from it. I’m a pan, genderfluid trans man. Even with all your gatekeeper (sorry, BULLSHIT) logic; I’d still be attracted to multiple genders and not be cis. I’m p queer. So no matter which way you slice it, I’m part of LGBT+. Die mad about it.

“You’re comparing aphobes to TERFs and SWERFs you fucking transphobe!”

Wow I didn’t realize setting boundaries meant that I viewed y'all in the EXACT same light. I’m so glad I have the lovely aphobes that have told my friends that they should kill themselves to set me straight.

Asking people not to interact doesn’t inherently mean I think they’re the EXACT same thing.

“Mod Joker is a gif-thief and reposts people’s content without properly crediting them!”

I have made this entire post explaining that’s wrong. Idrc if the post is too lengthy for you. Don’t talk shit if you don’t even have all the details.

Additionally, if you send me somethin about this in a negative light I’m IP blocking you. One strike and you’re out. If you want to believe people with false info and false accusations then that’s your baggage. Not mine.

HOWEVER if I’ve accidentally mis-credited, forgot to/messed up on crediting a person for their gif/video, or so on let me know! I’ll make mistakes, but I never do it intentionally.

[50darkershadesofcynic]

Let’s Make A Character - Script for 2.

(But 3 including my Future self)

To start this off, this was inspired by a real conversation I had with my friend when we were designing a concept for a video game. Except in this version, I made her out to be wayyyyyy worse than she actually was. When I was younger, I was easily irked. 

This was how I showed by Passive Aggression 

- By making this lousy script.

Obviously I ain’t thrilled.

Me: Alright, let's start designing this character already. Snowflake: Make it a *strong female character* Me: Okay... Strong Female Character. Snowflake: Who is gay. Me: ...Excuse me, what? Snowflake: We need more gay characters - simple as that. Me: Sure. Fine. She's gay. (Though that doesn't really matter, in terms of gameplay) Snowflake: They'd rather prefer 'They-them' pronouns. Don't assume their gender.

Okay, so this was around the time when They/Them and Xe/Xir was starting to become uncomfortably common for my liking. Back then I thought it was flat out ridiculous, but now I’ve seen the light and realized that if people want to identify as they/them and experiment with genders it’s totally okay.

Especially since it really doesn’t affect me in the slightest.

Me: What? Sorry? We're making a female character, remember? Snowflake: Uhh... Hello? They can identify as female, but not completely. They are demi.

It took me three years to buy into Demisexual/Demiromantic - But I’m still not entirely sold on Demigender. I thoroughly believe in the gender binary, rather than a spectrum. One of the reasons for why I’m Bi rather than Pan.

Me: Fine. What should 'their' name be? Snowflake: I don't know. Me: Let's go with Alexandra- Snowflake: Excuse me, but that is a cisnormative name and will not be acceptable. Their name should be gender-neutral to keep with the times. It's 2016, after all. Me: Jeez, okay. Their name is Alex. 

This part actually happened.

Snowflake: Why are you drawing her that way!? Me: ...Sorry? Snowflake: OMG that sketch only reflects the male power fantasies that dominates the gaming community! It's that mentality that labels you as an ignorant bigot!

This part didn’t, obviously.

Me: Okay, okay, what did I do wrong!? Snowflake: Her body is hyper-sexualized, you are oppressing women by drawing such a sexist piece. You are not accepting of other body types other than the D-cups, tiny waists and long legs! Me: Oh... Right. I guess I can make her proportions a bit more accurate - Snowflake: Respect their pronouns, you cis scum! Me: Fine, fine, fine - It's fixed. Calm down. Snowflake: ALL YOU DID WAS MAKE HER SKINNIER.

I’m gonna take this moment to talk about an issue I’ve been weirded out by: The Skinny Rose Quartz situation. Where people purposely draw Steven Universe characters skinny, Aryan and more humanoid. I thought it was hilarious at first, but then people started being generally mad about it. 

Tbh, I didn’t think it was a problem because of the ‘boohoohoo’ narrative of lack of representative figures for plus-sized audiences - I thought it was a problem because it was canonically false. And bad recolors. 

Teens these days gotta chill, jeez, it’s only fan art.

Me: W-Well, it would be more accurate if her hip size corresponds to her already slim body. I also shrunk her breasts so they would look less... well, fanciful. Snowflake: We have too many characters that are skinny like her! And why are they white? Where are the stretch marks? Their freckles? We need IMPERFECTIONS to show how COMPLEX this character needs to be! Me: They aren't white, it's just that I haven't colored them in yet... And so what if she's white? Race doesn't make a character more supreme than the other. In games, it's more about class stats than anything to do with race- Snowflake: If they are white, then they are oppressors to any other person or player that isn't white. To be white, is to be racist. And sure, you say it might be alright in a game - however, think of how it affects people of color playing as the white man! They need a character that represents. This is going to be that character.

HOLA AMIGOS! HELLO FRIENDS!

Let’s spell some magical words today! Today’s magical word is ‘STRAW MAN’

S T R A W M A N

Muy Bien! Very good!

legit though this would fail any debate class

Me: Well, for the record it's my character. I think I can have the freedom to create her in any way that I want. Snowflake: You just objectified them! Me: How can I objectify something or someone that I haven't fully created yet!? Snowflake: Never mind. Does she have any other complexities? Me: What do you mean? Snowflake: I mean, you need to be tolerant of other behaviors, disorders, and dysfunctions of the mind! Hello? Were you living under a conservative rock? There are too many 'normies' in gaming.

Oh lord, does 

‘N o r m i e’ 

mean something different now...

kek my dudes.

Me: Oh... So you want me to make her depressed or something?

HOOO BOY THAT’S TOPICAL

Snowflake: Not 'depressed or something', saying it like that is immensely offensive and damaging. Especially to those who do suffer from depression. Me: I can give her something mild, I guess. Snowflake: Looking at our character so far, she'd have to be bipolar, autistic, an insomniac and have a small case of ADHD. She will also have alters, for her MPD syndrome. Me: ... You are actually joking, right?

I wish I was joking when I legitimately thought this was how SJWs and Millennials talk.

*laughtrack then seinfeld theme plays*

Snowflake: Excuse me - mental disorders are not a joke! I was self diagnosed with depression, an array of anxiety disorders. Life is hard for people like me. Me: Yeah. Good to know. But giving her all of those problems may result in her character performance being- Snowflake: Hey. Depression is not a 'problem'. You are really getting on my nerves... Me: ...More like *TRIGGERING* your nerves, am I right? Snowflake: You ableist, ageist, classist, racist, sexist, cissexist, size sexist---- Me: Oh wow, you're still going. Snowflake: --- CIS WHITE MALE SCUM.

Legit though, what a fucking awful ending.

 “TRIGGERING YER NERVES - AMIRITE?” 

- I cringe whenever I read that line. No one can use the word ‘Trigger’ anymore, it’s been so over-used that it ain’t hip with the kids unless you use it heavily ironically. But everyone seemed to really resonate with this post since it was made at the height of SJWs

Now everybody knows that they’re just a small minority of people who have loud opinions. Opinions that not many people can relate to.

But who am I kidding, there’s still an audience on tumblr who are strongly influenced by them. So we have yet to see how much of a foothold they really have on western culture.

That’s all I have to say on that shit, and that’s all I ever will. Until next time.

[therealdragonnerdagain]

This is so true.

When I joined the service and was going through basic training, I suddenly had access to nutritional foods on a daily basis -- rather than only occasionally.

I remember being surprised at how this boosted my ability to think and function and perform in my job. The military is always VERY careful to feed their soldiers with a purpose.

Sometimes starving us was a part of our field training, which was supposed to simulate a situation where we might get stuck without food for a very long time.

But if we ever had a class that required us to be awake, alert, and able to think and function, they would feed us really well so that we could perform our studies.

Having access to fresh fruits and vegetables every day was amazing after a lifetime of only getting them some of the time (single parent household, two siblings, one income).

How healthy you are has a direct affect on your brain's ability to function. How healthy your parents are has a direct affect on your initial intelligence when you're born.

This is why pyramid societies always have poor people who are malnourished and thus of lower intelligence -- though there are exceptions because sometimes food drives and charities provide brain nourishing nutritional foods the poor wouldn’t get otherwise.

Meanwhile, the upper class in every society has more intelligent, highly functioning, talented people. Why? Because they're simply better than everyone else? No. Because their ancestors hoarded all the resources in that environment, then passed that wealth down generation after generation, creating refined lords and ignorant peasants, ensuring that their children always had the best food, clean clothing, and a healthy environment with scores of opportunities in which to nurture and encourage their varying interests.

The reasons why the most talented writers in America and Europe are straight, white (usually sexist and racist) men is because they have been afforded every opportunity to live healthily, to have their talents nurtured, and to grow and flourish in their environment (while at the same time being raised within a system that teaches them misogyny and racism are a-okay).

Remember a couple years back I talked about my elderly racist Creative Writing teacher at my first college? Instead of nurturing my skills as a writer, she did everything in her power to mentally shatter me. She constantly humiliated me, handwaved my participation in every discussion, accused me of just copying famous writers because “Monkey see, monkey do,” and even read one of my stories aloud to the class hoping they would mock me -- they applauded. Which only pissed her off and made her keep bullying more than ever.

When it seemed she hadn't bullied me into not writing anymore, she teamed up with my English Composition teacher, who picked up the bullying where she left off.

Both teachers gave me failing grades I really didn't deserve. This resulted in me having to take both classes over at a new college -- which I passed.

White writers don't have to go into a writing class and wonder if they are going to ridiculed to tears because of their skin color. They don't have to worry that a teacher is going to give them an undeserved F because they are white -- their teachers are usually white! This is called White Privilege.

Imagine if these two teachers had nurtured me and encouraged me and helped me become a better writer -- instead of mocking me, ridiculing me, shattering my confidence, and giving me poor grades I didn't deserve???

I would be a better writer right now. I think by the time I retook those classes, the damage was already done to my psyche (I am mentally ill). 

And if the entertainment industry wasn't so racist itself, maybe I would have gone on to be like Neil Gaiman or Joss Whedon.

But the industry is very bigoted, and I learned immediately just how much discrimination there was when I went on my self-publishing venture last year. Remember that? Yeah, it turned out badly. I actually faced double the discrimination for writing about brown women who also happened to be queer. Wait, no. I guess that's triple the discrimination -- racism, sexism, and homophobia.

Alas, only white men can be awarded for mediocrity. People of color always have to be extraordinary to achieve anything in any field. Also, we have to write about people whose race and sexuality is either white and straight or obscure.

Yeah. Gaiman is easily a mediocre writer. Get mad.

Point is, this is how systemic oppression works. You deny people the things they need to function on the same level as you. Then you discriminate against them in just about every field. And what will happen? They remain poor, destitute, uneducated, malnourished, and trapped in cycles of endless poverty.

This is how it all works.

And the only reason racists are scrambling to come up with excuses for it? They can not look in the mirror and acknowledge their own shittiness.

Changing the world starts with changing ourselves. I firmly believe that the only way to make a change is if we each as individuals look in the mirror and make a conscious effort to be better people. 

As I mentioned on this blog, I grew up in a generation where ableist slurs (lame, retard) were considered okay. Because I want to treat others with the basic decency and respect they deserve, because I know how it feels to be treated with anything less, because I don't want to contribute to a toxic ableist culture, I have make an effort everyday not to use those slurs I grew up with.

Because I understand that using those slurs is ableist, even if I'm not albiest myself.

Everyone has something they need to work on as a person.

And do you really want to be a racist??? Or a sexist? Or any kind of bigot? All prejudice is founded on some irrational, emotional response to an experience. Your wife dumping your sorry ass is not a rational reason to hate all women. One black person being rude to you on Twitter is not a rational reason to hate all black people.

In case it needs to be said, there is no rational reason to hate an entire group of people.

[undothedamage-blog]

Talking About Abuse

Strap in, this is a long one. Skip to the bottom for a TLDR if needs be.

It’s impossible to spend time in the #abuse tags on Tumblr and not run into discourse re: personality disorders. 

And it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot because I’ve stumbled across the dividing line trying to figure out where I stand. And I think both sides need to remember this:

Mental illness does not make someone abusive. But an abuser with a mental illness may be particularly cruel.

It’s a point that abuse expert Lundy Bancroft has made, and he knows what he’s talking about.

Ideally, I’d like to see the abuse community create new terminology. What exactly, I’m not sure. I’m certainly open to suggestions. Egotistical abuse? Trumpian abuse? Egocentric abuse? Conceited abuse? I don’t know (personally, I prefer Egocentric). We’re not actually trained and qualified to diagnose our abusers with specific disorders. So I’d feel more comfortable avoiding terminology that is already well-defined as something specific that may or may not accurately apply to our situations and that, imo, removes some responsibility from abusers for their choices and behavior.

That said, on the other side of things I’d say to think long and hard about whether you want to attack and possibly re-victimize somebody who is in the long, hard process of recovery from abuse for talking about things like “narcissistic abuse.” Not everything is about you. And if you have experience with mental illness you should consider using that experience to fuel compassion for victims (who are highly likely to be suffering their own mental illness as a result of their abuse) rather than launching into them because they are repeating the terminology that was handed to them by somebody else. By all means, educate people via posts on your own blog. But if you must call out a specific person (whether by reblog or anon asks), remember that the person on the other side of that screen has just spent a very long time, years or decades in some cases, being put down, attacked, criticized, shamed, and endlessly treated as wrong and stupid. If you want to engage with them, don’t do it in a way that will trigger them. And don’t treat them like just another ableist asshole. They’re trying to make sense of what has been done to them and a lot of the people providing answers and hope to them for the first time are teaching them this vocabulary. These people, the ones with a large audience and significant influence, are probably who you should be asking to reconsider their wording.

However, I want to emphasize again to my fellow abuse survivors, that not all abusers have personality disorders (in fact, most probably don’t). Not all people with personality disorders are abusive (and we should really, really hesitate to add to the stigma they face). And abusers who DO have personality disorders would probably still be abusive even if they were magically no longer mentally ill. So just as I ask people to have compassion for victims, I’d ask victims to have compassion for the mental illness community and embrace language that allows us to talk about certain flavors of abuse without co-opting words from the DSM nor contribute to stigmas that harm others (especially when we consider that the mentally ill are often more likely to be victims of abuse themselves). We are, generally, on the same team. And it really requires very little effort to just abstain from using certain phrases or words. 

Again, mental illness does not make somebody abusive. Don’t let abusers get away with using mental illness as an excuse by perpetuating language that implies otherwise.

It boils down to the same problem I have with people calling mass-shooters or terrorists “crazy.” For one thing, it dissolves their responsibility and that’s bullshit. For another, it further stigmatizes mental illness. Millions of mentally ill people every day manage to live their lives without hurting a fly (though many mentally ill people are, in fact, hurt and abused by others). And, perhaps most insidious, it absolves society of any blame for helping create abusers.

It is NOT mental illness that makes, for example, a man shoot up a bunch of people because his girlfriend dumped him. It is entitlement. And we need to face the fact that our culture absolutely contributes to teaching men they are entitled to a woman’s attention, affection, body, emotional labor, etc. We celebrate media that repeats the trope that even the most mediocre of man will be rewarded with a beautiful woman that adores him. We talk about the friend-zone as if it’s a real thing and it is something that women unfairly do to victimize men. We tell women that they’re feelings are wrong and they should be flattered by sexual harassment. We legislate that women’s bodies don’t belong to them (and even afford corpses more bodily autonomy than living women). We tolerate misogyny in our music, movies, television, and government. We teach women they are responsible for preventing assault instead of teaching men not to assault. We teach generation after generation that “boys will be boys” and that girls should just tolerate their bad behavior. 

So, yeah. Maybe a lot of us have, in fact, been abused by somebody with a personality disorder. But unless we’re a psychiatrist, we’re not really qualified to comment on that. And we’re shooting ourselves in the proverbial foot when we frame our discussions about abuse in terms from the field of mental health. Because mentally ill or not, abusers will continue to abuse as long as they feel entitled to do so. If we borrow language from psychiatry to frame the conversation around abuse, we make it too easy for everyone to throw their hands up in the air and say “well, we can’t really do anything about it” (especially when talking about disorders that haven’t found successful treatment options).

And that simply isn’t true.

Because, guess what, we CAN do something about abuse. Now, we can’t do much about individual abusers. Only abusers can change themselves. But, and Lundy Bancroft talks at length about this at the end of Why Does He Do That, society and individuals can absolutely do things to combat problems that contribute to abuse and to protect victims. Things like:

BELIEVE VICTIMS. The rate of false accusations of abuse is, despite what MRAs would have us believe, incredibly small. Bancroft says “There is a natural temptation to speak out forcefully against abuse until the man whose behavior is under the microscope is one of our own, and then we switch sides. But we can’t have it both ways. Abuse won’t stop until people stop making exceptions for their own brothers and sons and friends.“ He also says “Nothing would work faster to end the abuse of women than having the friends and family of abusive men stop enabling them. And that begins, in turn, with making sure that you listen carefully and respectfully to her side of the story— something the abusive man never does.” (emphasis mine) 

TEACH WHAT ABUSE LOOKS LIKE. Bancroft specifically advices therapists, the clergy, etc. to “provide some basic education to any male about partner abuse. Give some examples of abusive behaviors, describe their destructive impact on women and children, and explain that a man is entirely responsible for his own actions.” I think a huge aspect of why people discount women’s reports of abuse is that they don’t recognize abusive behavior as, in fact, abusive. This comes back round to entitlement and justification as well as abusers and their allies tendency to point to worse forms of abuse to say “that’s what REAL abuse looks like, what I’ve done isn’t REAL abuse.”

REFORM THE JUSTICE SYSTEM TO BETTER PROTECT VICTIMS AND FORCE ABUSERS TO FACE REAL CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS. I won’t go into the details on specific changes that need to be made. This post is already super fucking long. You can find Bancroft’s suggestions in Why Does He Do That.

I’d add that we also, as a society, need to:

REFUSE TO SUPPORT MEDIA THAT IS MISOGYNIST. If it promotes the idea that men are entitled to behave in controlling or abusive ways it doesn’t deserve our attention, accolades, or money. We should also stop handing out awards to abusive men as if separating their performances and public persona from their abuse doesn’t teach them (and others) that abusers can abuse without consequence.

CHALLENGE DAMAGING IDEAS AND STATEMENTS. This is particularly important for men to do. If you hear dudes complaining about the friend zone, or celebrating rape culture, or otherwise espousing sexist and harmful ideas, call them out. Make it clear that such views are entirely unacceptable.

LISTEN TO FEMINISTS, SJWs, AND OTHER SO-CALLED SNOWFLAKES. There’s a false notion that when progressives voice concerns or complaints about micro-aggressions or subtle sexism, or whatnot that they’re focusing on small stuff and should just get over it. But the reality is that the small stuff matters. All the various small things add up to a culture that sends abusers the messages of entitlement they use to justify their abuse. Take the Bechtel Test. I recognize it is only one step in beginning to evaluate whether a movie is, in fact, sexist. But, generally speaking, any movie that doesn’t feature enough named, female characters with dialogue about something other than a male character sends the subtle message that women’s roles revolve around the men in their lives. It says that woman are accessories to a man’s story. When feminists call for more women in the writers’ room of television and movies, it goes so far beyond just wanting to level the employment playing field (though that’s important in its own right)! More women contributing to scripts means more well-rounded women characters and less sexist tropes being repeated. It means more boys growing up consuming media in which the world presented to them is not one that revolves around men.

If you’re still with me at this point in this long-ass post I just want to say thank you. I know tumblr is usually a place for more pithy communication. But I go on at length because there is just so much to say that is so important.

That said, here’s a TLDR for those who can’t handle the endless wall of text (I’m ADHD, I can empathize):

The abuse community would do well to create new terminology to discuss our experiences that doesn’t rely on language which may inadvertently harm the mental illness community.

Be patient and kind to abuse victims if you want to talk to them about how something they’ve repeated may be problematic so that you can avoid triggering them or adding to their trauma.

If somebody asks you to reconsider your language, be kind and sympathetic and remember that they may share more of your experiences than you realize. 

Society can do a lot to prevent and combat abuse.

And most importantly let me repeat this:

Mental illness does not make somebody abusive. Don’t let abusers get away with using mental illness as an excuse by perpetuating language that implies otherwise.

[bizarropurugly]

Stamp Apologies

Reposted from before, though there are a few additions.

So like I made a shit ton of stamps over the years on deviantART and understandably there were some ignorant/gross ass ones. I’ve gotten rid of them (as best I can - please point out any I missed), but, tbh, I think I should issue an apology for some of them. Not necessarily because I personally know people hurt by them or anything but because just. egh.

cw for gifs including gifs with flashing, casual isms, pedo and sexual abuse jokes, rape mention, etc.

I was an asshole and despite the things I had seen and experienced I decided to join in the “you’re not really bi” tirade that still sweeps the Internet. If you say you are bisexual you are bisexual. I am sorry for spreading this biphobic (and often sapphobic) bullshit.

Various stamps fetishizing gender variance, such as “[I Have A] Drag Fetish!” and “WOMEN WITH DICKS, I LIKE THEM!”

While looking my crap up I realized I had a lot of these and egh I am really sorry. I do absolutely fall in love with gender variance, because I’m fucking queer, but these stamps were very fetishizing and many people were using them that way too.

This was a joke stamp but people were using it seriously and I should have expected that. While I removed it after catching da–stamps/da--bogeyman, a legit pedo creep, using it, I am sorry for it even existing because pedophilia isn’t a joke anyway. This was never something acceptable to make for any reason, but especially because pedophilia isn’t a fucking joke.

So a lot of purposeful ignorance regarding pride was going on. The description for this beauty could basically be summed up as “HETEROPHOBIA!!!” and committing a “I’m not like other queers” tragedy despite hating others for that same shit (coughethereal-crowcough). No excuse for this crap. I’m sorry.

So hey remember what I was saying about purposeful ignorance regarding pride? This was the cream of that shit crop. Pride regarding mental disability is a complicated, complex relationship, and can’t just be completely tossed away as worthless and ridiculous. What’s worse is that this was primarily aimed at people upset at autism cures, with very allistic ableist remarks about people who can’t function. At the same time, I made a shitty post on Tumblr about supposed autistic people proclaiming evolutionary superiority, as if it was an epidemic, and again purposely ignoring the dynamics being involved. In reality I saw maybe two people who were probably not even being serious and flipped a lid about shit I didn’t understand.

For the record, I suspected myself autistic even this early, my relationship regarding pride and my mental disabilities is also complicated, and as for cures for mental health issues, I see it as pretty murky (there are benefits to be reaped) but heavily entrenched in eugenics instead of actually helping those who want it.

So hey lemme tell you about the number of stamps addressing complete non-issues. Shitty stamp makers LOVE to do this and my fuckwad ass joined in. Thanks to Tumblr I’ve come to understand this alter/headmate thing a lot more and realized who gives a fucking FUCK if someone’s brain buddies are named Raven Wolfstar Brilliance or are vampires or are various images of Harry Potter or any of that crap it is literally not something worth getting upset over let alone attacking people over. So I’m sorry I played along with this complete nonsense. Characterize the shit out of your alters. Have fun and feel good.

The description for this was very vague because this stamp is just itching to be used by queerphobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, ableists… And I’m sorry to be an enabler for that bullshit.

So I was making fun of these assholes for calling me a serial molester because I said hugging people with boobs made me happy because I get to touch boobs which I love. But did u know that making a joke out of sexual harassment is always a shitty thing to do regardless of context? So hey here’s a sorry for this one too.

[edit] To elaborate because I worried some people: I like hugging people who also have boobs because it makes me feel safer and more secure and less awkward. Hugging people without boobs is really awkward and sometimes discomforting. Having your boobs touch someone who doesn’t have the (particularly cis men) is awkward and sometimes discomforting.

While allies using us as gimmicks and making our pride/solidarity days about how tolerant they are is a legit problem, and by and large deviantART definitely does this shit, it’s not Spirit Day’s fault and this stamp was reeking of “I’m not like the other queers” too. So sorry about this embarrassment again.

Because a white person should definitely be making this stamp, right? I’m clearly an authority on what is respecting cultures of colour, of course. Bleugh. Sorry about this shitty casual racism crap.

Oh man look at that edge, it’s like the salesman brought me a sack of kitchen knives. This was about exactly what you think it’s about. Sorry for this and all the slurs I’ve used without the right to.

Skinny shaming is real and just as bad as fatphobia, guys! God why so much edge and hatred. I’m King Hatewad but man why hate such unnecessary things. I guess being fat now is my punishment for this babyfit. Sorry about this too, ugh. 

The fuck was with me and sexual harassment and shit. What’s wrong with me? I apologize to every nsfw artist ever, especially since I’ve come to know many who have been creeped on and made uncomfortable.

Let’s just be mean and nasty for no reason! Yeah, kids definitely need more of that shit! Jesus christ I am sorry.

I briefly replaced the first one with the second one, but I’ve removed both of them and I’ll tell you why.

The initial one was cringey as hell, though it brought up points I can still believe as important. Hence why I replaced it. I talk a lot about noncon/dubcon and related shit here (nsfw blog) that basically explains the direction I was going, but...

I asked myself, who’s using this stamp? Is it people who are caught in that awkward place of sadomasochistic interests borne from abuse, how that intertwines with rape culture and oppression, how it affects our sexual identities, etc? Or... is it just going to be used by the type of people who aim to “offend” others and insist rape culture and the like aren’t real?

Obviously, the answer is the latter, just like it usually is, just like I’ve learned from other stamps in my past.

Here’s another example of that: what kind of people are using these stamps? Not the kind of people I want associated with or supported. These stamps were made back when I had been bought into that “age is just a number” bullshit, being spiteful because “lol how is age a privilege?? sjw cringe!!”. But it’s pretty clear what these stamps would be used for and I’m fucking ashamed for letting it happen. I was more concerned with being a spiteful shit than whether I was pushing pedophilic/rapey propaganda.