#im coming home (listening to it again)
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The old witch sleep and the good man grace might actually be my final remaining will to live
#i listen to that song and i hear 'i cant do this' 'you *can*' and im like you know what maybe i can#maybe i can do this joey batey#anyway im emo about tad again light a candle for me fellas im not coming home from the forest tonight#🫡#tad#the amazing devil ruin#the amazing devil#joey batey#madeleine hyland#the old witch sleep and the good man grace
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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nothing makes me feel more pathetic than when I’m trying to do a basic as fuck sum in my head and my brain is giving me absolutely nothing
not a single gear moving up there. Brain just clocks out when numbers are involved and trying to force it to figure out even the simplest calculations physically feels excruciating and exhausting
meanwhile my dad and my brother will be looking at me like I’m some alien experiment bc how can I be so stupid that I can’t do this shit in my head?
#I’ve always suspected I’ve got some degree of dyscalculia bc there are other related issues I have in that area#I used to slam my head on the table in primary school in frustration and cry when I couldn’t get my brain to figure things out#my exams and jotter margins were peppered with loads of tiny dot marks from where I would have to physically make a mark to count#and then count up how many marks I’d made to do the multiplication or whatever. Like 6x7 I would do six sets of seven dots and count them#I can’t do it in my head and school made me feel like an absolute moron for it but no-one ever suggested I might have an issue there#I couldn’t memorise times tables beyond like 2 and 5 and 10 consistently. Even 4 wouldn’t stick somehow#and 6 7 and 8 made me cry from how much I struggled with them. I still can’t remember them#I had a maths tutor in high school for my last year and every week he would have to teach me things again bc it wouldn’t stay in my head#My dad would shout at me when I was asking for help at maths homework bc he somehow thought shouting the sum at me would make me Get it#uncle would throw questions at me and my bro to figure out and my brother would get it instantly and I would be sat there struggling#and then the inevitable impatient sound of a disbelieving ‘come on!!’ would follow and I’d feel worse bc im expected to do it and I couldnt#there’s a home video of me trying to figure out the difference between the years 1982 and 1987 and the pause while the gears struggle#ton work out the number before saying it is agonising to listen to bc I am genuinely taking that long to do it
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brother was talking to me about how if you almost die from an extreme-temperature-related incident then your body is just forever fucked towards that temperature and that's why i think kiryu and saejima are weak to ice. i dont know why aoki isn't like that too but ignore that statistic everything else tracks.
#snap chats#i already made this post highkey but im making it again cause i didnt know this was an actual real thing ☠️#my brother learned this when he started to work for target. because apparently that's a thing they tell you frame one#'snap how did this topic even come up' i am LITERALLY so glad you asked :) the cold has almost claimed me twice#am i exaggerating Maybe but its my fucked up body temperature now listen#when i was younger i got locked out of my house for like. three hours since i was a latchkey kid#and my dad wasn't supposed to come home with my siblings (from their after school events) for Three Hours#and it had snowed outside and Was Cold Yeah and i couldn't get in cause i forgot my key like a weiner#and yeah. was really cold :) my dad was real cross with me when he found me shivering in the shed LOL#he made me hot cocoa tho so its ok. second incident's just funny No I Talk About It Evvery Other Week#and im p sure i talked bout the first incident too but yeah that time after the con when i was at my sister's#like i cannot stress how cold it was because It Was Late November and the cold still existed#and my sister's heater just. Didnt Work but yeah. i wont go into detail cause i share this story every five seconds#POINT IS i've always had a hard time with the cold- like i'm cold nearly all the time even if the room is 90 degrees#i wont be COLD cold but i'll be colder than i like#anyways can't believe i'm weak to ice this is so sad. i love winter..#aoki isn't weak to ice cause uhhhh /aoki/ didnt almost die in the cold 🥴 masato did 🥴#imagine changing your identity so well that you just remove your past elemental weakness. fucked up.#alright bye
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Two things summed up this week 😭🎉
#ruii.txt#arknights#cookie run kingdom#eyjaberry#white lily cookie#listen getting eyjaberry was easy in 41 pulls when I was gonna fucking quit again but damn#white lily however be like 'here's a bunch of other shit and THEN I come home'#at least im free from nether gacha hell unless devsis puts walnut as a super epic then I'll be super pissed so ye
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wow the melancholy 🤩 the shame the embarrassment the loneliness 🤩
#boink#i am sat alone outside the performance chapel with nothing to do#waiting for the concert#which is not for another hour and a half#i just accidentally gave notes on stage after sound check which i thought we were like#going again#but it was really embarrassing#and i just#everybody's left so now im just#sitting outside a church by myself#and i dont want to go home bc im wearing heels and the walk really wouldn't be worth it atp#bc id have like twenty minutes maybe and then id have to come back#anyway rn im just listening to one of the bass groups practice outside#inadvertently lol#theyre good ofc#i wish i could just be like enjoying the evening lolol#im trying ::))#its v nice out#breezy and not too warm#but i just kind of dislike myself too much rn to actually let that happen lmao
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local woman gets two consecutive weeks off work, immediately starts experiencing some type of Ailment
#literally#yesterday all day at work i was busy but manageable. just started feeling the tiredness set in near the end of the work day tbh#biked home feeling perfectly fine. got in and pretty much instantly i got 1. the worst headache 2. blurry spots in my vision?#i was like lemme relax by watching a movie but then was like huh. entire spots are missing when i try to look.#popped a big painfkiller and drank some tea in case it was dehydration or smth and by the end of the night it had improved but i still#went to bed early just listening to a YT vid letting my eyes rest and falling asleep p quickly even if i did wake up a few times in between#this mornign i was fine. but after a few hrs it's starting to settle in again and idk what to do abt it. i was gonna catch up on bridgerton#then mb get some reading done but like i need my eyes fr that... why is my vision still fucky.does ayone know what to do about it?#mb it's a delayed stress response frm the week ive had? is it a nutritional thing? baby's first weirdass migraine but it comes and goes???#i would do further research trying to read up on whta the hell i got but 1. reading extremely difficult feat and 2. internet said eye tumor#so im like oh fuck OFF#any and aall advice welcome though rip thanks#*edt lying down wi one episode of iwtv later and vision has +- returned to normal. so additional screentime....good???? make it make sense
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happy flat fuck friday I feel likr I've been run over by a steamroller <3
#someones car alarm (?) went off in the middle of the night and then i couldnt sleep properly again after#and kept having nightmares.. had a rly scary one right before i woke up where i was lactating blood and it wouldnt stop coming out#i onoy noticed at first bc the shirt i was wearing had massive growing bloodstains onnthe front and then i took it off qnd there it was#and no one was around and it was night and i went outside and i was on this empty rocky beach and j had this sudden realisation#that i was going to die here like this. i was rly lightheaded from the blood loss so i sat down and just stared at the water#and then my alarm went off like fucking hellllll. wild dysphoria dream i guess 🫠🫠🫠🫠#anyway yeah whatever just gotta get thru work today hey the moons out sorry unrelated just noticed her. hi#climbing was fun last night tho :^) and i have a concert tomrorow yayyyy#dont know the band super well but only bc i havent listened to much of them but i like all ive listened to theyll be sick live i reckon#my roommate knows them more than i do but wouldnt go by herself so im dragging her with me >:)#and surprisingly a fair few number of ppl from climbing are going too which is cool ill try n say hi to some of them#actuallt there are 2 bands i should listen to the album of the other one before tomorrow too. mahbe on the bus home#guys i am sotireddddd 😭😭😭😭#MAY skip my afternoon meds so i can sleep straight after showering and eating once im home. we'll see#depends what i have to do this afternoon at work i dont even rember.. i think i have training maybe#we willl seeeee i dont mind being at work that much anyway its all good. maybe i will take my meds so i can play elden ring later#okayyyy bye#.diaries
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I want someone to love me quietly and loudly at the same time because Im an idiot
#mine#words#human#love#someone unashamed of loving me#someone free to love me and choose me#someone who loves me with every blink#a love radiating from them surrounding me like a blanket making sure i feel it because im an idiot#because im an idiot#clown#feelings#thoughts#love comes in many forms and i dont want this to be romantic only#my friends are loving me openly and casually w lil care packages and notes for me with videos they send me with “ill sit w you”s &“i listen#with “your feelings are valid” “youre being hard to yourself so im being even softer” with “hey do you wanna play sth”#with “wanna body double” and “i rmb you like this” “have you eaten yet” “can i give you a hug”#with “my treat this time” and “can i come visit you” with “missing you” and “we share this part of life”#with “hey this reminded me of you” and “i dont need this but i thought you could” with “what have you been up to” and#with “do you wanna go there together” and “im getting [food/drink] you want some as well?”#with “i can pretend to be your waifu and help with chores” and “lets cook together” with “lets go on a walk together”#with “tell me when youre home” with “take care” and “enjoy!” with “hows your day been” “howd you sleep”#with “tell me about your dream last night” “show me your outfit” with “how are you” and “i can explain it to you again” with “i'll wait”#with “nice to hear from you again” and “i try to understand” with “im glad a late answer is better than none from you”#with “you cannot see your own effort but i can” with “how can i help you” and “just wanted to see/hear you” with “hey take this food w you”#with “i dont mind doing that for you” with ┌|∵|┐┌|∵|┐when seeing each other on the streets#every lil whimsical every experience thought and feeling shared#im immensely loved and i hope those people know and feel how i see appreciate and love them back#i am loved already#my friends make sure that i do not accept any less love expression and im endlessly grateful for them#“i will try for you” “i'll try remind you” “i can wake you up” this all will get its own post one day
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meduka ,,,,,
#sorry i had to stew in the announcement for three hours. im so tired#madoka is the priority though. sleep later (as soon as i post this)#maybe ill do something else later maybe i wont idk but. oooohhhgshgdjdhdjdjfjsrgrgrgrhrhhsjhdjddjj#doka#listen im so glad i was home alone when the announcement happened i knew it was coming but the ungodly dog like gibberish that came out of m#when the movie announcement happened#ragsggrhrgr. augh. the. woagh#it looks sososo so pretty and cool and the#the.#aaaaaaagsgrggrrhhr#sorry. sorry im. normal. anyways#wow hey guys that new trailer about the rebellion sequel movie huh. haha wow.#rhegahgsjdjfjffkf#anways normal again haha (lying)#madoka magica#madohomu#sorry the post is irrelevant to the movie i just had to get something out of me right this minute
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which joker out members have a deep and unhealthily personal attachment to the noah kahan song the view between villages and which of them are normal
#sprry this is such a bad post but im kinda going throigh it ☹️#listen i was either gonna post this or 'none of you think im weird right. right. do i seem strange and awkward and unerving im sorry :('#like i can barely talk to a person irl believe me im hyperaware of how i come off online#which is again weird and offputting 😢 and i cant rven use age as a crutch cuz there are people in this fandom younger than i am who are#doing fine#like i just feel so useless im not funny i dont draw that often or like brilliantly i dont have anything to contribute to intellectual#discussions besides rehashing stuff other people have said jn a worse and clunkier way#ugh ☹️#sorry this turned into the post i said i wasnt gonna make 😞#anyways to answer my post:#nace: yes (leaving home)#jan: yes (emo)#kris: no#bojan: maybe? i can see it going both ways because he's really quite sentimental ... actually yes#jure ..... hes a tough nut to crack because i really don't kbow much about his personal life#tentative no#vee rambles#was gonna go in the tag but because of the vent it's not. thanks me
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skipping class for the first time in my life bc my professor has covid and he sent out an email saying we’re having class and he’s asymptomatic and will wear a mask per cdc guidelines even tho he’s past the 5 day required isolation period. like. great whatevs but have you actually tested negative
update: the answer was no he had not
#stressed as FUCK#it’s fine we have a textbook and he doesn’t take roll#hoping he doesn’t do an extra credit activity but if i miss it for the sake of my health so be it#i have to go home afterwards anyway bc i have an appointment the next day with my thyroid dr#stressed abt that too bc my mum has dropped all precautions as if she isn’t in her 60s and didn’t lose her husband to covid#and idk what my sibling is doing but i know they’ve stopped masking at their practices and i wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped masking#all together. they also only wear cloth masks but at least it was something#idk i just feel like im the only one not ignoring it. like. when my dad got sick i asked him early on if he could smell and he was like#‘I’m just congested’ and my mum was like ‘no he’s just sick it’s not covid’ and then we waited until it was too late#like. i tell my mum that there’s nothing we could have done bc i don’t want her to feel guilty but like#idk. part of me thinks that if people had just listened to me and gotten him tested earlier and not lived in denial that maybe he’d still be#here. and my mum is pretty healthy but again she’s in her 60s. i don’t want to lose another parent to covid. or if she gets it and has it#bad or ends up with long covid then im gonna have to come home to take care of her or. idek. like i don’t live at home anymore so i can’t#pick up the slack if something happens to her. and my sibling definitely can’t#it’s so stressful. did we not watch the same process of my dad rapidly deteriorating. by the time we took him to the hospital he looked like#a corpse. he was completely grey and his eyes were glazed and he couldn’t even sit up or wave goodbye. has she just forgotten that happened#am i the only one who remembers watching my dad deteriorate in front of us#vent tw#covid tw
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WOAH WAIT UNTPL I TELL YOU WHAT I SAW ITS TOO FUCKED TO TYPE THIS SHIT IS RIPE CALL BACK ILL YELL YOU EVERY WORD dudududu
#be more chill#MY BELOVEDDD#im coming home (listening to it again)#post#seashel#michael in the bathroom core#he said im not funny well. Liar#lyricsies
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got dragged to a pub quiz with some of my housemates buddies and was fully convinced i was not really gonna have a good time and itd probably be too loud and i wouldnt be much help etc etc etc bc my mood is still not great but i forgot im a competitive motherfucker when it comes down to it and the sheer rush of euphoria that comes from knowing a few more obscure answers that had the rest of the room hemming and hawing is gonna carry me through the next week probably
#when nobody else in the wetherspoons in rural wales knows what the capital of florida is or what you call a female swan#the big ass grin spreading across my face and sheer rush of Power listening to 2 people the next table over arguing over whether#its jacksonville or miami. you Fools. you absolute buffoons. i know more than you/j/j/j/j#i am so exhausted now and the 'yea this is Over you are enjoying urself too late' sadness is creeping back in but it was worth it#we came 3rd...... the prize was a whole pitcher of some cocktail for the group but i do not drink so i just went home to bed#a female swan is called a pen btw i knew that six month long job spouting swan facts at 8 year olds would come in handy someday#IDK i still have a lot to work through but i feel like i should make a slightly less depressing post today skdfjh;;#shoutout to my housemate for always somehow noticing when i have just not left my room in a day and coming to drag me out of it#i was so close to just not eating again (which tbf. i didnt. until like 6pm whoops)#but now i have done that AND touched grass AND socialised AND feel good abt myself a bit.. so.....#i worry a lot that people dont really. notice or care that much when im struggling/when they do that its annoying or a burden so#im very grateful to have people who care about me enough to try and pull me out of it. i hope wherever i end up after this#that i can surround myself with more people like that#man this feels pretty bittersweet to think about as well but in more of a cathartic kinda way. i guess#trying to think abt things slightly more positively so i dont turn into a festering black pit of bad vibes for the next few weeks#and my blog still inexplicably feels like the nicest place to sort through this kinda thing
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CRUSH BLOGGING DAY 365!!!!!!
#crush blogging#crush blogging day 365#fire boy#oh my goodness it has been one hell of a year!! what started as a simple crush has grown into something very special to me#i went from listening to him stage kiss someone else from the pit band to having him be *my* first kiss#from giggling about him to my bff at the time to writing and performing songs about him with him onstage#he was with me when i got my license years after i 'should have' he was there when said bff and i fell apart he was there when i hit a deer#i was there when he started counseling and he was there when i finished therapy#he saw me get my diagnoses and start to live again#he was my first real 'i love you'#the first person ive had sex with#ive been to his family gatherings and he met my godparents#my mom calls him the son she never had. he drives my suster home after school. his sisters say i can talk to them anytime#his parents gush over me like im their own kid#it hasn't been easy. because i care so much our few 'fights' really scared me.#but ive learned a lot#idk what is coming next. but im so grateful for everything ive gotten to experience this past year.#from the couch#Spotify
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