#im barely awake rn
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Okay, I hate this
I hate this I hate this I hate this
We just had an episode that implied Eddie didn't know he could say no to the possibility of sex with Marisol. It was also implied that option didn't occur to Buck either.
And now there's a speculation that Buck and Eddie are not just letting loose and having fun... but are drugged and out of their minds.
Eddie getting his shirt ripped off because he's finally breaking out of the box he's been confining himself to? Beautiful and poetic and I love it.
Eddie getting his shirt ripped off because he's been drugged? No fucking thank you!!!!
But it's possible and that pisses me off.
(Whump is always fun. But in canon, with two characters who don't know they can say no and one who's been assaulted before, it's not good!!! This show is fantastic about handling serious issues and heavy conversations. Consent? Not so much).
Unfortunately, since there's possibilities surrounding consent right now, I have a theory or two.
If they're really copy pasting BT onto Eddie and Marisol, then they could possibly do the 5x11 thing and Eddie is going to kiss someone. Drunk. (Or drugged, depending on that spec). Consent? Don't know her.
But if they do, it could shatter the box he's been in, and himself. I hate the idea that Eddie always has to completely break to be able to heal, but he doesn't know any other way to be. Ryan hinted at the possibility of Eddie breaking again. So what makes it happen, what does he learn from it, and how does Marisol factor in?
If they do the BT parallel and he kisses someone, consensual or not, he's going to feel incredibly guilty about it. He's failed as a boyfriend (and knowing him, he'll twist it around as failing as a father too) and the box will break again.
The next few episode titles even lean into the guilt of it all. Ghost of a Second Chance, Step Nine, even Unfinished Business is ominous enough to suggest the storyline is involved there too.
With the writers for 7x08 being Juan Carlos Coto and Bradley Marques, and Coto being who wrote the breakdown, I wouldn't be surprised in the very least if something happened that episode. It doesn't need to be a breakdown again, but it can be this cathartic experience where Eddie finally lets go of the guilt he's been carrying for decades.
The title for 7x08 has been on my mind since we found out about it. Step Nine in AA is about making amends, no matter what. It's going to be a Bobby centric episode, no doubt, but Juan Carlos Coto usually writes episodes that are big for both Bobby and buddie (2x06, 3x09, 4x05, 5x13, 5x16, 6x10 to name just a few). Add in the fact Bradley Marques is writing it with him, the guy who's only done episode 100 so far, is... Interesting!
Bobby is likely making amends with Amir. Eddie has to make amends with himself. If we get a realization or a coming out that episode? I will pass out.
They're setting it up to be a brilliant queer storyline for Eddie. I would HATE for it to be tainted by drugs and a lack of consent and another cheating storyline.
And if they don't go the drug route (yay!), then an almost between Buck and Eddie would most likely be enough to make Eddie feel guilty about it and then have to face it and realize he has nothing to feel guilty about at all. Nothing happened. He just realized he wants it to happen, and for a moment it felt like Buck did too. It would push him to either hide with Marisol or drop her and be free. And since he's grown and recognized that he moved too fast asking her to move in, it's possible he breaks up with her instead of becoming more serious.
#does any of this make sense#im barely awake rn#the pink and that promo and the specs are making me insane so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#911#buddie#911 meta#911 spoilers#911 speculation
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losing my mind.
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if they upload the phukbang now its because i just ordered my pizza and it will arrive in 40 minutes. taking one for the team because i will not watch it until i have that pizza
#im also super tired barely awake rn so this will be great /s#phukbang#<- tag i want to use but probably wont because i cant be arsed to type it all everytime#sage posting#phan#dan and phil#dnp
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what is there to resist anymore? i am everything. nothing is fixed. nothing is final. everything is imaginal. it’s all here. it’s all now. it’s all me. i am not just the body or this moment. this moment is happening inside me. i am inside me. there’s no without; it’s all within me. i attach myself to nothing. i am one with all my desires. i am reveling in them now. i am experiencing them now. i am in my DR. i am in all my DRs. i am all my DRs. how can i fear anything? how can i hold onto anything? it’s all me. it’s just all me.
#just chillin in a giant simulation of me. wild.#there’s no such thing as problems. everything just is.#idk im barely sleeping rn. i feel so *awake*
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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Sonic yesterday: yo nosferfagtu, this Hog is about to go Were! Let's drive into the sunset and let the moon guide our wild sides ARGHWOOOOO 🦔🐺🌑🌕!!!
Shadow removing his eyeliner at 2am with heavy eyebags: huh
Sonic now a werehog: it's Halloween man
Shadow: sonic go the fuck to sleep your furs already shedding on our carpet
BEHEHJEGEJHSGDJDHDHDH??!??? i’m sorry back up DID YOU JUST SAY NOSFERFAGTU??!!?!?!
#IM BARELY AWAKE RN HELLLPPPPP#shadow you cant let sonic crash at your place the werehog fur is untameable…#justin replies
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While you'd think the relationship would have moved at a truly glacial pace, once together, it's only eh....five or six months before Samuels comes back to their flat with an actual honest-to-god engagement ring. Logically, they're living together, they've exchanged words of intentions for this to be a long term relationship, so he figures he should do this the proper human way.
Unfortunately, Amanda balks at the concept of being/engaged/ because what the fuck, Chris, (not counting cryo) I haven't known you for a year yet??? Poor thing assumes her distaste is because he grossly misread their situation and his place in her life. She has to stress to him that it's not him, not the color of his blood ("Amy, it's not really blood,") just that its awfully fast. Its enough to calm him down but he's still embarrassed, and then the horror of having to return the ring occurs to him and--
"Why would you return it?"
"You said--"
"Hold on to it, for a little while." She never wanted to be anyone's wife, anyone's mother, anyone's possession...But if anyone on the planet would understand the hesitation she had with commitment, it would be the man she helped carve company logos out his fingerprints.
"Do you mean it?"
It breaks her heart, the way he's beaming at her like she actually accepted instead of requesting an extension, but his sheer /joy/ is infectious. He's like her, so very dry and to the point, their shared sense of humor is subtle, sarcastic, and often dark--yet she cracks, and she's giggling. Samuels can't laugh: almost no synthetic can by design, it's too complex of a biological process to bother mimicking but she knows if he could, he'd be joining her.
He over thinks how long "a while" is and goes through a monthly crisis, takes to carrying the ring in his coat, but never asking out of fear it hasn't been long enough. Amanda finds it there one day about four months later, while looking for a missing key. Christopher finds her sitting on the bedroom floor, glassy eyed, coat over her knees, twisting the ring around (of course it fits perfectly he probably laser measured her hands)
"If...you want, you can keep it on." Amanda nods slowly, the realization of the 'yes' sinking in belatedly she she has to stand shakily to hug him. Tightly.
#ripuels#alien isolation#ive misses them so much#like theres an actual novel im writing rn and a couple other ships that rotate but THESE TWO....#theyre always lurking#sometimes i rotate thru characters in my head at night to see what theyre up to#most often theyve just ended their day#and amanda is showering off the grime of work and chris is making her dinner#while the tv reports a news story about some debate about synthetics and he only half listens#more than anything it reminds him not to forget the coolant in the freezer and amanda walks out of thr bathroom with her hair wet#barefoot and in an oversized band shirt and a pair of his boxers#he smiles a little. not at her long bare legs or her obvious lack of a bra but bc he likes her hair down#she makes a remark about the news story and he deflects it with some dark humor#she walks past him to the fridge for a beer and they play a board game over dinner that amanda has never won even though chris swears#its just chance and no skill#they stay up too late and go to bed and nearly pass out immediately#amanda stays awake just long enough to make sure Chris's charger is working#and then falls asleep while he reads a book ii the dark
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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he's so real for this
#god i wish that were me#i wanna sleep as a kitty cat#mylittleguys#also hi i am sick and i feel half dead and i can barely eat or drink i am not entirely sure that i am awake right now#so thats what ive been up to the past few days :))))))#ahahahaahahahahahahahaaaaaa wish me luck o7#rly badly wanna draw but ive got a fever and im all shaky and my throat is all stuffy and i havent eaten much bc of it so i cant even rly c#concentrate at anything and i have been wasting away in my bed and i havent showered in too long and its shark week and :(((#im just being put through so many horrors rn 💪😐#when everything bad hits all at once 💪😐#this guys my new bff p sure -> 💪😐#hi sorry bout all that its been piling up :))))c#💪😐#<- for when ur on the verge of a shutdown and/or meltdown
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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guess who just managed to crawl out of bed 🎉
#noodle talks#not art#ive been awake for almost 4 hours#be proud of me (you shouldnt this is the bare minimum of existing)#im so tired i cannot wait until sleepytime#🌱#<- i think . im only like 80-70% sure that thays who i am rn
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ok bear with me as i work through this because we just did embryology 1 2 3 and 4 in the space of 2 days and probably like 3 hours and if we're saying that the embryo (ok. blastocyst??) implants in the endometrium but ALSO we're saying that periods are affected by stress (which then must mean that the hormones affecting growth of endometrium are affected so there's less endometrium) (if we're saying specifically that the effect is a lighter period) (and it can't be that stress affects anything else because the amount of cells dying can't change ???) then does that mean if mama is stressed pre-sex but manages to get a viable embryo in the uterine cavity does it just. not implant??? is stress killing these maybe babies?????
#chaos.txt#do i sound pr* life i promise im not but im on my period rn and it's so weird and strange like its day 4 and i've not had ONE heavy day.#forget heavy. like its nothing. there's barely anything. minimal cramps is pretty normal for me but this has been NOTHING#its crazy!! so anyway i got thinking about embryos and whatever. also i love the phrase maybe babies#i probably sound a bit mental and im sorry ive just been awake for like 16 hours and done like 8 hours of active working . that's so fucked#medical student#i will end up just looking this up but if any darling med students/doctors/nurses see this PLEASE tell me if im just going crazy#<- i say as if that isn't hugely implausible#embryology#medical school
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i think one thing that anti-theists like.. do wrong (?) is treat religions like they're monoliths, which is impossible. you might find that one denomination is larger than another, but there will pretty much always be other denominations, and varying interpretations within each denomination.
no religion is a monolith, and no religion ever will be one. that's because religion is a personal experience to the individual, who will have their own thoughts and feelings about their faith. that is how people are in regards to everything, because humans aren't a monolith of a species.
i understand it might be confusing, or even frustrating when a religion has many denominations and interpretations, but that doesn't work super well as a reason for wanting to rid of religion. in fact, just yesterday i was told by an anti-theist that 'ideally' the belief of magic would be rid of and traditional religion wouldn't change. i know for a fact that other anti-theists would disagree with that and present their own ideal outcome of anti-theism, because i often browse anti-theism tags to get an understanding of anti-theist beliefs (it's good practice to read up on some opposing opinions to get some standing ground! my dad taught me that.)
it is perfectly okay to be critical of religion, i myself am critical of some religious ideas from varying religions! but when you don't fully understand the religion you're criticizing, and you're getting your information from biased sources, or only reading about limited ideas then you don't have the information to accurately criticize any religion. the idea that all religions are strict monoliths is entirely false, and if someone believes that then their criticism isn't totally credible, especially when they can't acknowledge the good of religion.
in the end, individual religions can not be treated as if they are massive groups of people who all share the same ideas and the same beliefs, harmful or not. because that's literally just not true. if you want to improve religion then actually go forth and try to understand it and listen to different people discuss their religion and it's flaws, trying to get rid of religion will only hurt people. (and i very strongly believe that getting rid of religion will in turn hurt spiritually, and by extension culture.)
#i originally wrote this post in the shower after getting up at 5:15 im barely awake rn this is goinng in the drafts so i can proofread it#nothing that has ever existed has been a monolith 👍 people even have different ideas of how board games are played bro#if you're curious; i'd appreciate it if people could read my other post on anti-theism ♥️#it focuses on how religion; spirituality; and culture are all connected and how getting rid of religion will ultimately hurt-#spirituality and culture- concepts especially important to POC in the modern age (and historically)#to sum up my other post; if you get rid of religion you will hurt spiritual and cultural concepts which will hugely affect POC; and we don't#need to have our beliefs and culture hurt again; no one does whether they are POC or not because white people have still suffered erasure of#their cultures and spiritual beliefs.#ok thanks for reading 👍 its 5:46 am now#OKAY HI it's 4:02 pm ive re-read this and got some input from a friend Yay! we're all good now#anti theism#theism#pro theism#pro religion
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that faerie ask has me thinking about neopets again and like. Does anyone else not like how the grey faerie is the only one with little antennae.... The faerie adjacent talon i drew once also had antennae but just bc i think its cute and it is. Why don't the other faeries have antennae it wld be so cute if they did...
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me telling my boyfriend he has to be extra nice to me because i’m sick and him responding with ‘sorry baby, i don’t know how to be nice’ is peak dabi
#i then said to him ‘but you’ve been nice to me before :(’#and he went ‘have i? must’ve been a mistake’#he’s kidding obviously#this got a giggle outta me#and then a vigorous coughing fit#guYS I FEEL LIKE IM FUCKING DYING#seriously#i feel like someone took a sledgehammer to each of my vertebrae and smashed them to dust one by one#i’m going to have washboard abs by the time this sickness is over#my fever has come back but it’s okay i can take more medicine soon#i slept for most of the day today buuut my mom brought me veggie maki rolls for dinner which was so <33333333#they were actually so refreshing????? i guess because they’re just raw vegetables and rice LMAO#anyway i am still bedbound waiting for this hell to end#also water tastes like poison rn#bf is tryna get me to drink juice but i doNT WANT IT 。゚(゚ノД`゚)゚。#i couldn’t even write today or yesterday because i was feeling like such hot GARBAGE#like garbage left out on the side of the road on a mid july day#oh when i am awake i’m watching glass animals videos#i can barely remember any of them BUT#i like listening to dave talk (´∀`)���#also raw if u see this i will reply to ur discord message the moment i can look at the screen for long enough#it took me like twenty minutes to type out these tags#okai okai good byeeeeeeeeeee i’m going to sleep and hoping i wake up feeling a lil better tomorrow#there is a TINY WAR going on inside my body#go white blood cells go!!!!!!!!!#LMAO DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK OF CELLS AT WORK WHEN THEYRE SICK#it’s what i think of INSTANTLY#clari chatters
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hm i wonder why
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