#ill keep these up until im out of will to live
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"Babe."
She'd just sat down on the bench to rest her eyes a bit when a warm, calloused palm cupped her cheek. Cassian chuckled as he said, more urgently, "Nes?"
He took a step closer, brushing his thumb right under her eye.
She tried to pry them open, look at him, but exhaustion was weighting heavy on her and when his touch disappeared, her head went down fast, as if her body reacted differently to gravity compared to everyone else's.
"Woah," he was there immediately, gripping her shoulders tightly, stepping closer to her until she was leaning completely on him.
The sudden movement had forced her brain to react and now she was tiredly glaring at him.
He grinned down at her as his fingers started massaging her scalp and she hummed appreciatively, but his nose scrunched up in that funny way it always did when he was worried about something.
"Are you okay?"
Nesta nodded. Or at least she thought she did.
Her eyelids fell close again and her chin repeatedly hit the metal of his belt when he laughed, making her grimace.
His fingers gently stroked the hurt away.
"You wanna go home? I'm sure Emerie won't mind if we leave the party earlier," he was whispering now, talking quietly in the corner of the backyard where their friends were hosting a party.
"No," she managed to force out, her words melting together. "It's herbirthday we can'teave."
Cassian's hand was wrapped on the back of her neck and he was tenderly stroking his finger on her skin. His touch was the only thing keeping her awake right then. A tether to reality.
"Babe, I honestly don't think it'll make any difference in your state," he stopped when she glared at him, but gave her a sardonic smile, fully knowing he was right.
Nesta took a deep breath and even that costed her a lot. She tried to talk, but the only thing that came out was a slurred, "'mnot that tired."
Cassian awed and Nesta was ready to fight if he didn't stop coddling her.
"You can't even speak."
She huffed a very weak fine and then she was being pulled up. An arm wrapped around her waist and a yawn forced itself out of her, just as Cassian's lips pressed to her temple and he whispered, "I love you so much."
She turned to him and smiled awkwardly, hiding her face in his chest.
"I love you, too."
#nessian#nesta archeron#cassian#ill keep these up until im out of will to live#i still dont know how to call them#are these drabbles???#they might
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Holy flip!! Fully colored suntan post?? Decently done grass??? Someone pinch me (day 10 suntan)
#omori fanart#omori#kel omori#omori kel#omori omori#suntan omori#omori suntan#omori omokel#omokel omori#kelmori omori#omori kelmori#kel x omori#omori x kel#these kids gay whta the flip!!!#what is omori holding???? idk probably a bug or something these two are autismed and adhd'd about things i think.#the grass took out all my will to live 😁#this is technically the second full drawing of today. but. im not posting the other one until i post the fic its about. yeah. fic with art.#im becoming ill. both mentally and physically. screw the flu or whatever i got.#I'll make suntan until i CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. ill draw sunny dead and kel crying for my last suntan drawing of all time (im okay!)#this is /j btw i am NOT that ill. i have suntan shenanigans to get up to !!!!!!#what in blackspace THATS A LOT OF TAGS.#omori cactulip#cactulip omori#I KEEP FORGETTING THESE TWO. DNI.
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who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)
#dont get your toddler army to do your anon hate and unblock me on discord if u want to talk#ik you act like a baby and thats fine but if youre bold enough to try to get me paranoid (and fail) then u should be bold enough to dm me#yknow without hiding yourself#either do that or leave us alone girl!! move on#like why do you preach about moving on to a new era and then actively seek out trouble ????#get a job or something#trying to make me think my bf is cheating on me is such a weird thing to do and a big low for you spinny. it's actually sad#the worst part youre not even good at doing it. youre making shit up from what you THINK you know & hiding behind ur friend#its okay to fall out of friendships and im not even trying to meddle with your life but you are literally actively seeking out problems#and thats so pathetic. especially when you paint yourself all high and might over us ??? clearly we tried everything for you#until we got to a point where we were literally drowning because we have other shit in our lives too#you keep losing friends and complain about it. maybe consider why??? because of lack of communication and empathy!! youre just mean!#especially to those who've always tried so hard to have your back and defend you! (buka and me!!!)#yet you didnt care. you dont communicate and expect us to read minds & you demand things#and u say that a real friend should know when to reach out & ya but when it gets to a point where i feel like im drowning? no thanks#im prioritizing myself and my mental health im sorry#not to mention i was ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE IN YOUR BULLSHIT#so grow up. actually. and if you wanna dm me then unblock me and we can talk#if you want to keep hiding behind your toddler friends acting like youre all small and sweet and babies then go ahead but leave us alone?#at least ill have closure and finally come to terms that you're not rlly a good person and u use your illnesses to excuse ur behavior#because i still think about you and wish you were our friend but after everything thats happened (this being the cherry on top for ME)#then maybe you really just are a shitty person and you do more harm than good#soz to everyone else reading this just continue scrolling LOL#its drama cus an ex friend is sending their toddler militia on me for some reason???#delete later
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AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOT ITS TEETH IN ME BUT I’M ABOUT TO BITE BACK IN ANGER
#take me back to eden is so ghost coded it kills me#like im shit at lyric interpretation ill fully admit that but it Screams ghost#‘i spit blood when i wake up sink porcelain stained choking up brain matter and makeup’#‘room feels like a meat freezer i dangle in it like cold cuts’ SCREAMING BITING BITING BITING#its the butcher hanging from a meat hook imagery for me lads i Cant#and my god the soapghost of it all#just ghost lashing out bc he cant understand soaps attention#rejecting his affection and his care bc hes never felt a kind touch without it becoming cruel#and i know we dont acknowledge mw3 but#‘i guess it goes to show does it not? that we've no idea what we've got until we lose it#and no amount of love will keep it around if we don't choose it’#losing johnny being the only thing that snaps him out of it and makes him realise that hes in love with him#‘no amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence’ that realisation turning his love inward and fracturing into hate#he couldve been with johnny they couldve been happy together#so he cracks and destroys every enemy he comes across as he hunts down makarov#leaving price and gaz behind as he lets vengeance consume himself#‘i have travelled far beyond the path of reason take me back to eden take me back to eden’#but bc fuck mw3 soap lives and ghost finds him and they live happily ever after#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#ghoap#soapghost#ghostsoap#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john soap mactavish#soap cod#take me back to eden#we’re a team. ghost team
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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the food scarcity is in fact going to my brain
#genuinely fucking nothing#the stuff we do have makes me sick on account of chronic illness#ive been living off fucking coffee and frozen pizza and rice#im so constantly fucking brain fogged and my dad keeps taking money from us or cancelling the orders we do make#and like my mom and i still have no way of receiving money so i cant ask anyone for help if i wanted to !!!! lol#theres like this knot of dread in my chest that i dont think will go away until we get the court hearing over with#i am doing. the best that i can . on fucking fumes#sometimes the man of the house is a lesbian eldest daughter etc etc#my younger brothers barely have jackshit to eat let alone Me i cant fucking keep up with this shit#we're running out of toiletries and i cant get my father to buy more this week#gwext#whiskey is feeling better since he sprained her leg. shes off her meds so thats good#head in hands Anyway. back to it
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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I’m so excited I’m like literally shaking
#so I work at like seasonal job multiple stores and shit some more far out and in the boonies than others#and like before I was at my current job I managed this shitshow camp store#literally was so horrible but only bcs my boss sucked and pushed all his responsibilities to me while I still had to do MY JOB#like darkest time of my life trying to keep that store from falling apart until eventually I was like fuck this#transferee to a different property in a different state and like stalked this lady who would come help us and she hired me as her assistant#like truly amazing I love her so much my boss is the fucking best#but now at my property we have a camp store with no manager being run to the ground#so they asked me to go manage it…#and lLIKEEEE ITS IN THE HIGH CIUNTRY#SOOO NO SERVICE LIVING IN A TENT SHARED SHOWER DORMS#IM SO EXCITEDDD#and also I’ll be at 9k feet elevation SO ILL SEE STARSS!#im at 5thoussnd feet rn and it’s just not the same#my shitty store was at 7 thousand but the year before I lived at 8 thousand feet and the stars are so magical#but everyone else I work with feels bad I ‘have to’ go up there and run the store for a few weeks#I’m like literally MY PLEASURE#working in a camp store is literally summer camp vibes#and I’m such a retail girl boss they didn’t even brief me they were like you know how to open and close a store#AND I DONT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF INVOICESSS#that was my nightmare at the last place like they taught all the managers how to recieve and pay invoices but no one else really understood#sooo like a day before months end when invocies HAVE to be paid I’d get stacks from every store on property#and like just my store was already a lot to go through bcs we did groceries and gas and beer and retail merch#but lol I came to my current place and they have a whole office just for that lotta sweet lady’s in accounting I’m like damn??#they did me so dirty????#best part about being a warehouse girl with previous retail management experience is thissss#pray for me though I haven’t managed other humans in 2 years and they’re union employees so I just have to follow all the rules#love the union but I’m scared of breaking any labor laws since I’ve never managed humans in the state in living in#last state was horrible there was no lunch break laws
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very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
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ghezikjfjekzjkezn i cannot fucking WAIT to move out
#my mom went in my room while i was gone AGAIN#and she threw out stuff AGAIN#it wasnt even the guest room i squat in. i wasnt even gone 24 hours. it was MY room the one nobody else ever has to interact with.#she threw out the carboard boxes i wanted to keep to see if i could craft smth with them#and i knowwww i have a hoarding problem but man. it was a couple of packs of cereals. it was nothing.#i want to throw out everything i've ever fucking owned i want to live in an EMPTY APPARTEMENT i want to own nothing but a mattress#im going to try to talk to her reasonably about it#and like. i feel like a monster because theoretically it's lovely and in credibly nice of her to clean my room#but i did not fucking ask!! holy shit i think i'm old enough to have some fucking responsability over how my room is#it was rank but it's MY room it's out of the way nobody else ever HAS to go in#and i understand i understand yes age is a factor but also as long as i live w my parents (or anybody else) ill have to compromise some#but holy shit!! what if it's filthy? let me live in my filth until i learn to clean it up properly#you could at least fucking ASK. or WARN me. or i dont know. mind your fucking business.#jesus christ im starting to remember why i dont ask for help#broadcasting my misery#vent
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can literally only swing an apartment w another person and my bf is on the brink of backing out so i have to figure out what the hell is goin on there but god... god!!! i just want to escape!!! i was so goddamn close and now im being knocked all the way back!!! i dont even know where to /start/ looking for a new place to live or people to live with i just. what the fuck is wrong with me and why does this keep happening.
#its gotta be a me thing#which is why im probably gonna just sign up for one of those random roomie sites and inflict myself on a stranger#bc if i move in w anyone i know and it turns out im the thing that keeps ruining everyones lives#i dont wanna fuck up the few scraps of good ive got going for me#these past few months have just been a lot of me realizing how fucked ive been and how deep i keep digging#and i do not know how to get out of it anymore i dont fucking know anybody my viable support system is zero#too much of a coward to kill myself too terrified of the unknown to run away too convinced of my own stupid burden curse to accept help#what the fuck do i do here just#sit and shiver until my heart gives out i guess#maybe this will be it. maybe if move in day comes and passes and im still at home ill just kill myself#it might be easier then like. its obvious im not getting out any other way#so that might as well be it
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I swear to god can they stop changing up the reception times
#student living#literally every week is a different opening times than the previous since the week before easter break#ive been to pick up a parcel three times now first time it was closed for the day on Wednesday which i hadnt known#but the sign they put up said they were open until 3 Thursday and Friday but i had class until 2 and am half an hour walk between campuses#didnt get back on time on Thursday but got there with 10 minutes to spare on Friday but it was already deserted for the weekend#the opening hours sign said temporary hours was just for that week so i was like okay guess ill wait until monday then#got a notification this morning about another parcel being dropped off with regular working hours included at the bottom#go to pick up my parcel after noon and the place is deserved and theres a new sign up#theyre open only until 12 for the first half of the week and then until 3 Thursday and friday again#so theyve changed opening hours from 8-5 to 8-12 🫥 but not sent out any notice about this#when am i supposed to collect my parcels if you keep changing the times with no warnings?#this is like the 6th week in a row that theyre operating on new times#i need to collect my package its stuff i need for this weekend im also waiting on my friends birthday presents to arrived for this sunday#and of course reception isnt open on weekends for students when everyone would be available to collect their packages outside of classes
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...
#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet#the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful#for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body#like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this?#did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ???#my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol#u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i#feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i#mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill#still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not#so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is#to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in#the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things.#i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live#in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear#but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly#idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D#that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see#unrelated
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The universe saw fit to gift my grandmother with a lovely case of covid for Christmas because of course it fucking did, so the past few days have been, uh...
Busy.
#personal#she's not in the hospital- she did end up going to urgent care on the 25th but they sent her home.#she did not TELL US she was going to urgent care we found out via whatsapp from my aunt#who'd been trying to coordinate a family zoom call and was informed by my granddad 'later. we're#at the hospital now'.#why did they not call and ask us to drive given that we live TEN MINUTES AWAY and granddad shouldn't be driving at the best of times?#that i could not tell you. something about 'not wanting to inconvenience-' which is insane#dad and i have been going up to try and get everything we can done for them since then#nana's been granddad's caretaker since he got diagnosed but anyone who's had covid can tell you it takes fucking EVERYTHING out of you#to just fucking walk around. im off work till the 9th thank god so i can be there as often as required but even so...#I have a sense that i should probably be freaking the fuck out but mostly im just... calm? it's not a happy calm idk what emotion this is#but it definitely isn't positive- but im not panicking. i feel like new bad info does not surprise me anymore it's just kind of a grit-your-#teeth-and-adjust-to-handle-shit deal. like. 'mm. god shits in our collective dinner once again. figures.'#there's no point in flying off the handle just figuring out how to fix things. im not happy but im... steady i guess?#im resigned and bitter and optimistic until im given proof not to be but mostly what i am is tired. not physically just-#my brain feels like a wrung out dishcloth. i keep trying to write because i know it'll make me happy if i can but its not working.#i keep writing paragraphs of shit that aren't matching up with what i want and if somebody gives me some meaningless platitude about#how maybe it's a sign it should be there and to try and incorporate it ill rip their face off. shut. up.
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Theory for the SebAngelo/PeaceMessage feels
In our most beloved ep1.12 neither Ava Cross and Seb realise that Angelo has been shot - and surely after over an hour driving Angelo's shirt should have been soaked in blood!? Which got me to thinking what if Angelo doesn't bleed...
okay okay but hear me out -
We know that Angelo is 'augmented' and doesn't feel physical sensations so what if he is in some kind of semi-stasis? in that his nervous system is constantly off (until Seb touches him) and your nervous system regulates your heartbeat so if Angelo's is switched off it makes sense that his heart wouldn't beat and so would have far less bleeding from a gun shot...
AAAANNDD
this would mean Sebastian doesn't only get Angelo's heart racing but also that Seb is literally the first person in decades to make Angelo's heart beat at all
I am feeling totally normal about this (lying)
#Night Shift thoery#NSP#cw blood mention#angelo volta#sebastian fen#sebangelo#peacemessage#Beans I am so sorry covid is kicking me and I didn't manage to get sick leave this week#I am going to queue what i can but it might not be a whole lot </3 sorry#also looking at the crowdfunding it looks like its running longer than 30days (?)#so i might rerun this week again bc im terrible and did literally nothing for it#Non-NSP Tag rambles/vent below#i couldnt take sick leave bc so many other people were on leave already and the person who tried covering me didn't have the right access#so i ended up logging in anyway#and then today i did nothing and still feel terrible#i keep thinking one more sleep will fix me but no dice yet#im mostly fine just get out of breath real easy and am exhausted all the time which i hate#(living alone is fun and games until your ill -_- )#ty for listening Beans <3
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