#literally every week is a different opening times than the previous since the week before easter break

[dwemers]

I’m so excited I’m like literally shaking

[nerdie-faerie]

I swear to god can they stop changing up the reception times

[lemonlover1110]

𝐌𝐲 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝

Toji Fushiguro

[Chapter 8] Megumi's Baseball Game

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Pairing: Toji Fushiguro x f!Reader

Discord +18 - Twitter - Ko-Fi

You’re more tired than you’d like to be. A week passes and Megumi’s baseball games approaches, and you’re thinking of skipping out on it. It’s not like he’ll miss you a lot. Staying home sounds tempting, but then you think about how going to his game gives you an excuse to go out to eat. And even if he won’t miss you, he’ll appreciate having you there. 

After much pondering, you decide to call Toji. You’ll be going to the same place after all, you don’t want to take public transportation nor do you want to spend extra money on a taxi. The phone doesn’t ring twice before he picks up.

“Hello?” He answers, and regret begins to consume you as you hear his voice. Do you really want to see Toji? Sit in the car with him for that long? You stay silent for a moment, and Toji repeats himself.

“Hi, Toji.” You respond, and you debate on hanging up right away. A butt dial? Would he buy that?

“Hi, baby. Is everything okay? Is there something wrong?” He asks, doubting that you’d willingly call him. Every second passes slowly as he waits for your answer.

“I’m going to Megumi’s game… Can you pick me up?” You ask, and Toji doesn’t waste a moment to answer.

“Yes. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.” Which takes you by surprise since you thought the game was a bit later. You hang up and go to your room to change into something that’s not your pajamas– But something comfortable nonetheless. 

You won’t put effort into your look, you shouldn’t. You’re just going to watch Megumi play a baseball game, and you’ll be with your ex-husband. You shouldn’t put any effort into your look, but you do. You wear just a tad bit of makeup and put on a cute outfit. You definitely put in a bit of effort even if you didn’t consciously intend to.

Toji knocks on your door earlier than the time he had given you, and luckily you finish getting ready right at that moment. You open the door for him, and he looks more relaxed than usual, wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a long sleeve black compression shirt. It’s much different than his usual business wear.

“Are you ready to go?” Toji asks, and you nod your head in response. You know he won’t comment on how pretty you look, on how the shade of pink really goes well with your skin tone, on how you’re literally glowing– Toji has never been the type to really praise your looks.

You walk to his car and get in, where a silent car ride begins. You think about speaking first, but you bite your tongue. You’ll feel like when you were married, constantly trying to start a one-sided conversation that’ll lead nowhere. If he wants to talk, he needs to start the conversation himself.

“So um… Is your morning sickness getting better?” Toji clears his throat, deciding to use his voice. There’s no point for all the silence, it eats him alive, yet, he doesn’t want to put on any music. He wants to hear your voice because he rarely hears it anymore. He wishes he had videos of you talking so he could hear your voice when he feels like it’s faded in his short memory.

“Not really.” You answer. Of all topics that he could bring up, that’s certainly the last one that you want to talk about. Instead of leaving him with the dry response, you change the topic to something else in your pregnancy that’s been bugging you. “I’ve been having some really weird cravings lately.”

“Like what?” He asks.

“Last night I wanted bacon drizzled in caramel… And it still sounds so good right now.” You share, and he scrunches his nose up, slightly disgusted. That doesn’t sound too appetizing. Yet he still says,

“Whenever you want something, call me and I’ll try to see what I can do.” Which surprises you. You weren’t expecting him to say that, and it brings a small smile to your lips. You know why he says it, why he’s suddenly part of a man that you wish you would’ve had as your husband. But you still smile, feeling a flake of happiness in you.

“The laundry detergent was also smelling so good–” You begin, but he cuts you off.

“If you want to drink laundry detergent, do it after you have the baby.” He says, which makes you chuckle. You feel as he slowly grows accustomed to the idea of your pregnancy, how he slowly grows excited at the thought of becoming a father again. It makes you happier than you’d like. You were set on having your baby on your own, raising them alone, yet you feel happy when Toji becomes happy about his baby. 

You get to the parking lot of the baseball field, and you find that the game has already started. You follow Toji to take a seat, and you sit quietly amongst a group of rowdy parents and teenagers– It’s a high school baseball game (not even varsity at that), it can’t be that serious. But you do feel the excitement when Megumi goes up to pitch, and you’re smiling ear to ear as you watch him. You do cheer him on, but you aren’t as loud as the rest. It encourages Toji to do the same, but he doesn’t do much, he just whistles.

“I hope I’m not too late.” You’re startled by Toji’s friend, Shiu, as he approaches where you sit. He takes a seat behind you, and just by catching a glimpse of his face, you’re pissed off. Sure, Shiu was very helpful when he helped you move, but you’re still pissed that he left you with Toji of all people. 

Toji greets his buddy while you ignore him. You don’t want to talk to Shiu, and you don’t have to either. No one will force you to talk to Shiu.

“I don’t think Megumi noticed you were missing.” Toji comments, turning his attention back to the game. Shiu smacks the back of Toji’s head, and Toji rolls his eyes. It’s their usual banter, of course you won’t pay much attention to them. Toji throws his arm over your shoulder, and brings you into his embrace, which you don’t fight. 

“It’s weird to find you here.” Shiu speaks up. You’re not together anymore… He understands why you’re here, you have your own bond with Megumi that’s separate from your relationship with Toji, but why is he throwing his arm over you and why aren’t you pushing him away? You don’t answer though, you clearly don’t want to talk to him.

“I forgot to tell you, Shiu. We’re having a baby.” Toji announces, and Shiu’s eyes go wide. He wasn’t expecting that. He was expecting a lot of stuff but certainly not that. Many questions come into his head, but it’s best for him to stay quiet. But he has to ask one question that’ll eat him up alive if he doesn’t–

“Are you two back together?” He asks, and you get Toji’s arm off your shoulder.

“No. We’re not back together.” You answer, and Toji glares at Shiu. Shiu bites his tongue, knowing that this isn’t the time or place to ask all the questions that flood his mind. What the hell are you going to do?

You watch the rest of the game in silence. When it’s done, you and Toji approach Megumi. He’s with his friends so it’s awkward. When he finally turns his attention to you, he leans in for a hug which you’re reluctant to return since he’s all sweaty. But you still hug him. 

“You had a great game, Megumi. You did such a great job.” You praise him, and he smiles at you.

“How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you much, just what dad has to say… But I don’t trust him all that much.” He says, a chuckle leaving your lips at his comment.

“I’ve been doing good, Megumi. But I want to know how you’re doing? How’s school?” You begin to chat with him, and Toji listens in. He taps his foot on the ground, his patience slowly running out. Sure, it’s nice to see that you two have a bond and whatnot but it’s boring for him to just stand idle.

“How about we go out for food and you two can chat there? Shiu is also waiting for us.” Toji cuts off the conversation, doubting that he can stand still for another minute.

“I actually have plans to go out to eat with my friends.” Megumi says, and Toji frowns as he crosses his arms.

“With whose permission?” Toji responds. You usually don’t get involved when similar issues happen, you did once and Toji reminded you that you weren’t Megumi’s parent. But today is different, mainly because Toji is trying to earn your forgiveness, and you use it to your advantage.

“You can go, Megumi. Have fun.” Your arm intertwines with Toji’s, and you give him doe eyes as you look up at him. “Give him some money, Toji.”

Toji huffs as he reaches for his wallet. He gives Megumi some money, and you say your goodbyes before walking away. You know you shouldn’t have stepped in, but Toji won’t scold you for it, especially when your arms are intertwined. You let go of him after a couple of steps since your work with helping Megumi is done.

Your stomach growls, and it’s loud and clear, making your face grow warm of embarrassment. You still smile and say, “Let’s go out to eat.”

“Is that why you sent Megumi off? So we could eat alone?” Toji asks, and it fuels his ego. You have a smirk on your face when you tell him,

“What about Shiu? Are you just going to leave him all alone?”

“To hell with him.” He scoffs. “He’s a grown man, I didn’t even invite him here. I’m not paying for his food.”

“You can convince him to pay yours. Use the fact that you’re having a baby, guilt trip him.” You give him some useful advice, especially since you don’t want to be all alone with him. You don’t trust yourself a lot, especially not lately. Not because you’ve forgiven him and want to get back with him, but because you’re hormonal and don’t trust your body to not make a sudden move.

“You’re right… Let’s do that.” Toji says, his hand going up in the air and waving at Shiu before he calls out, “Hey, Shiu! Let’s go out to eat!”

[whoistrash]

Why change matters and how Amphibia did it better than The Owl House.

"Watching and Dreaming" made me cry a lot during its premiere. I was amazed and, I'd say, dazed by it. Then I forgot about it for a while. Now I finished re-watching Amphibia for the first time since TOH ended. My hype died down, and I have some thoughts. A lot, actually.

Amphibia's ending was incredibly painful and made me sob like a baby for two whole weeks the first time I watched it. That's because it was not only beautiful and heartbreaking, but truly GOOD. Brilliant, actually. I absolutely agree with a statement that any other ending would literally be a contradiction to the whole main plot, especially Anne's arc. The girls had to learn to let go in order to grow as individuals - the thing they had the biggest problem with. Saying goodbye was the only logical option, plot-wise. It still hurt like hell, though. Separating the multidimensional, against-all-odds relationships (especially my beloved spranne. Ouch, ouch, ouch). The Owl House does no such thing - everybody stays together. They live happily ever after.

Paradoxically, I think that it's the main reason why I'd choose "The Hardest Thing" over "Watching and Dreaming" every single time. I know we shouldn't really compare them in EVERY aspect, since TOH had way more things to deal with in the final episode, but the fact that Luz got to not only stay, but to freely travel between worlds as she pleases really took the whole "growing up and finding your true self no matter what the other people do/say about you" thing out the door. Luz from season one, episode one, and Luz from the finale are not really that different. Well, she certainly became more traumatised and depressed than before, but in terms of personal growth? Nope. Luz - from the very beginning - was cheerful, open, caring and very selfless, willing to literally help every stranger she met no matter how it would affect her. She had little to no boundaries, but, well, you can't argue that she was A GOOD, SELFLESS PERSON. Now, we could say that her arc here would be learning that sometimes you should put yourself before others, that you can't save everyone, that you can't trust every person you meet. And she learns it! She fucking does! She helps Philip not knowing who he will become, and then suffers from the consequences, because she helped the wrong person. And then it's all erased, when she saves Collector's life and meets Papa Titan (or whatever we call them).

I have so much to say about this. All of TOH's "villains" (Amity, Lilith, Hunter, The Collector) that were given a redemption arc literally get turned into lifeless, edgy trauma dumpsters, that suddenly loose all of their previous character, quirks and sass (well, maybe except for Lilith, she just started to express them differently, I think, but still, it was WAY too big of a change). I won't dwell on it (since many, many fans called it out already - as they should), and will focus on something different. The only one marked as irredeemable is Belos. Good. Okay. He's irredeemable, because he's a white, christian puritan who won't listen to anyone but himself. Also a genocidal maniac. That's the lesson for Luz here. "You can't save everyone. Some people are just straight up evil". And it's very, very true. But.

From all of the "villains" I mentioned before, Belos is the one that had the most reasons to, let's say, take a dark turn. Those reasons are what makes him irredeemable - he's just too convinced he's right, because, in his mind, he has evidence to prove it. But how do we learn about this? Maybe by seeing his part of the story? Maybe by learning about his brother and Evelyn, about their relationship? It couldn't be straight up awful, since Philip literally brought his brother back to life over and over again, he wanted his brother, or at least the picture of Caleb that satisfied him the most. There was more to it than only "you betrayed me and now I will hate you forever". Do we get to see any of that? No. Instead we get an all-knowing, all-doing being that literally choose Luz as "the one" for being kind and trusting, that convinces her that Belos is, indeed, a lost cause. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Luz, the person that on the literal episode two was told that there is no such thing as a "chosen one" and that she can't always hop into action to save everybody, because, it's, well, not always possible, DOES EXACTLY THAT in the finale by taking a bullet for The Collector, the, you know, very freshly redeemed and suddenly cute and funky villain, whom Luz trusts immediately. AND SHE IS REWARDED FOR IT BY BEING MADE THE CHOSEN ONE. BY A GOD-LIKE BEING THAT CLAIMS TO BE ALL-KNOWING AND CAN DECIDE WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG, BECAUSE OF PERSONAL (King) REASONS. Just like, you know... Belos? The irredeemable villain? And then Luz lets go of the moral dilemmas that's been keeping her up at night for the past months, makes up her mind, defeats the bad guy, learns nothing, and gets to stay in the Boiling Isles and on Earth. With her beautifully redeemed girlfriend and friends whom she kept secrets from and lied to out of fear of being ostracised (you see the pattern here, right?) for, again, months.

I love Amphibia. I love The Owl House. But Amphibia handles it's "villains", generally wronged characters and the whole change/no change thing way better. Well, maybe besides the Core - they got a bit wasted in my opinion. But still. Sasha. Grime. Marcy. Andrias. Anne herself. They learn and change. And more importantly, they face consequences and come to understand and accept them. There's no "chosen one" here. Anne gets the proposition because she's the first one to use the music box for good in literal millenia. A fact, plain and simple (not an opinion based on personal motivations), that makes sense plot-wise, and adds so, so much to Anne's arc. Because Anne from season one, episode one wouldn't care. The one from the finale cares very damn much. And that's the biggest difference.

Saying goodbye makes the message way stronger. The more I think about it, however, the more I'm starting to be afraid that there's no The Message in The Owl House to begin with. Luz learns very little, yet ends up with everything she ever wanted. There's no power behind it. The "find the right people and choose to trust them, not everyone will be your friend" and "some things are out of your control, some people are just bad" aspect is even weaker, as proven by basically the whole season 3. I will end it by my favorite quote from Amphibia, that I think about on daily basis. Have a good day, y'all.

"Change can be difficult, but it's how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can't hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go; but, of the things you let go, you'd be surprised what makes its way back to you."

[tomorrowsgardennc]

market update // september 14th

drop off versus set up. i get to the market super early, even though setting up takes me 15 minutes, tops. i prefer to avoid the traffic of other vendors setting up, and i like to volunteer around the market before it opens. it's around 50 vendors at this market during the main season (april until december), so it can get busy super quick right before the market opens with everyone coming in at the last minute. not worth the stress when i can just come in early and help others out.

today blew me away. literally. had gusts of wind that were so bad a power pole fell down right outside the parking lot. that means the road that's the main traffic for the market was closed after 30 minutes of being open. that killed sales for *everyone*, including the big bois that sell out every week. coffee barrista vendor said their sales were down to 1/3rd their normal amount because of this. but the die hards willing to brave traffic and walking 2 blocks from parking to the market still made it out.

tue big bois were panicing over sales, but a horrific day in sales for me here still beat a great day of sales at other markets in previous years. no panicing from me, for once. if the road wasn't closed but sales were the same as today THEN i would panic. c'est la vie and all.

my top sellers were the ground cherry produce and the mini flower vases. none of those sales were my normal customers but rather the die-hards just browsing since they weren't eager to get back into traffic. so i met some new faces today, that's good. top reactions to people trying out the ground cherries go to a 3yo trying one, then shaking their head vigorously and then hiding in their mothers hair. another 6yo tried one and then just quickly started eating a whole bunch more. the mom paid for it, blushing, but i thought it was cute.

so imma share a secret with you, tumblr. for me to pass the time, i always wave to the kids who stare at me and tally up how many wave back. my record is 5 in one day. today was only 1. will try and wave better next week.

with it being an unsually slow day, i did end up going home with more than what i came with. but today is also my birthday so that's ok. ton of bread from my favorite bread baker in all the charlotte area, plus bagels, apples, cookies... got 2 large flower bouquets - one for a colleague who passed away this week, and another for me because birthday. thinking about merging all the large flowers together and take them to the place where he worked tomorrow, and keep the small ones for me. idk, i just love smaller bouquets spread around the house instead of one big one.

i didn't take an after-market shot because there was almost no difference at all due to lack of traffic. i did try and get photos throughout the day to share here and i hope that this new series of posts help inspire those who want to or are beginning their business vending journey. i've been vending at several markets and too many events over the past 5 years, so i got a lot of pointers and stories to share. please enjoy.

[puppy-byun]

Just Friends...Unless...? | Pt. 2

pairing: Hyunjin x Reader / a sprinkle of Seonghwa x Reader

rating: 18+

word count: 10.5k

genre: smut / friends to lovers / angst / university au

warnings: drinking, curse words, angst, bad flirting

summary: You weren’t crushing on Hyunjin. You couldn’t be crushing on Hyunjin because you were just friends, and there was no way he would ever feel the same way about you. Right? Unless...?

note: no smut in this one, just angst and lots of miscommunication because they're really dumb..., also fuckboy!seonghwa who's purposely bad at flirting, theyre gonna get it together but they need 10.5k words of being jealous and dumb first...

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You woke up feeling fine for about half a second - then you remembered what had happened just few hours ago. Glancing at the alarm clock on your nightstand you cursed, knowing with a certainty that if you had only just woken up then Hyunjin, who had drunk way more, had missed his morning class for sure. He would be feeling bad about that for at least a week, practicing twice as hard to make up for it. But that wasn’t the point. He had crashed on your couch because you had not trusted him to get home on his own and it really wasn’t the first time he slept over. But things were definitely different now, because you did not want to see him freshly woken up, hair disheveled and uncombed, face puffy. You didn’t know how you would handle it hours after realizing you were still very much crushing on him.

But since Hyunjin was literally one of your closest friends and you couldn’t avoid him for long without it becoming weird, you decided it was best to get it over with. Dragging yourself out of bed you threw on an oversized shirt and pulled open your bedroom door, instantly catching the gaze of Chaeryoung, your roommate, who was leaning against the frame of her own bedroom door. She was clearly more put together than you were, hair done and properly dressed, one perfectly lined eyebrow raised.

“Really, on a Thursday?” she half whispered, half shouted through the room, and you rolled your eyes at her attitude, a sly grin spreading on your face.

“I didn’t even really drink, so don’t look at me like that.”

“Yeah but someone did,” she laughed, inclining her head towards Hyunjin, who had his face buried in a pillow and let out a pained groaned at the same moment.

“I think that was me,” he was grumbling into the sofa, raising one hand half-heartedly. You told yourself it was out of concern that you went straight to the kitchen to get him a glass of water, and not if only to avoid him for another moment, because that would be simply ridiculous. He was right there in your living room, so you would have to face him. You would have to talk if you wanted to salvage what was left to salvage after last night.

Sitting on the low living room table you held the glass out to him, grateful for another moment he spent whining into the pillow before he slowly sat up. It wasn’t fair, that he would look this good with a pout on his puffy lips, eyes swollen and hair a tangled mess on his head.

He didn’t immediately take the glass, looking at you instead, so intently you were sure he was trying to gauge some reaction. Was he looking for any indication on what you thought about last night? You were almost certain he would bring it up any second, but then he simply took the glass from your hands, chugging the whole thing in one go before he finally managed a lopsided, soft grin.

“Morning, bunny. Why do you look this pretty in the morning while I feel like a truck just ran over me?” He was always saying things like that and it really should not affect you. It was nothing out of the ordinary. But god, it hurt.

“First of all, stop lying. Secondly, maybe because I didn’t down every drink within grabbing distance unlike someone else.”

Another groan left his mouth and he slumped back into the couch in defeat.

“I don’t know why I thought that would be a good idea.”

You pressed your lips in a line, not sure how to respond because you knew what you should do was talk about what happened and just get it over with. If it really just was a stupid drunk idea, just a hook-up, you’d have to deal with it and you would, but you needed to know. You had stomped down this crush once already until you were certain it was gone. Throwing a quick glance at where Chaeryoung had been standing you assured yourself she was back in her bedroom and had closed the door before you continued.

“Actually, about last night…” you started, uncertain how to approach the topic without straight up saying ‘why did you finger me in a park?’. Hyunjin rubbed his palms over his eyes almost aggressively, head thrown back on the sofa. There was a pregnant pause, your unfinished sentence hanging in the air between you, waiting for him to pick it up. He opened his mouth once before he closed it, rubbing over his eyes again.

“I didn’t do anything stupid, right? You stopped me?” He still wasn’t looking at you, and for a moment you were desperately hoping he would add anything else. What did he expect you to say? Wasn’t it obvious what you wanted to talk about? Was it really so casual for him that he wouldn’t even mention it? You had never even seen him kiss a girl, let alone anything more, and knowing him the way you did you were sure he wasn’t the type to have hook ups this casual. Yes, he had been extremely drunk, but could he really just have forgotten? You didn’t think he had been that black-out drunk.

“I-“ you started, brain working twice as hard to find the right words. “I thought we-“

He was now looking at you from under his palms, one eyebrow raised, and his gaze was filled with honest confusion. He had forgotten. He had forgotten he had been making out with his best friend, and now you were left to deal with the aftermath all by yourself, while he didn’t even remember.

“Yeah, of course I kept you from doing something you’d regret,” you sighed, shoulders slumping ever so slightly in defeat. The change on his face was instant, a smile spreading and Hyunjin was beaming at you. It hurt, because he was looking you like you were his world, and you were, just not in the way you wanted to be.

“Knew I could always rely on you, that’s why you’re my favorite,” he went on, one fingertip booping the tip of your nose before he leant back with another pained groan, realizing it was too much movement too fast for his hungover body. You couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, chest clenching, so instead you got up, mumbling that you would bring him breakfast. It only took you barely ten minutes, but you savored the time you were left by yourself instead of looking at Hyunjin, which only made it all the much worse when you felt his hands wrap around your waist, chin comfortably settling on your shoulder.

“How do I deserve you again?”

His words did nothing but make you feel horribly empty, because whatever last night was, he didn’t mean it. He had kissed you and touched you because he was drunk and he was horny and for some reason it had been enough to make you crave him all over. Yet he didn’t even remember. If it had meant something for him, wouldn’t last night have been the perfect moment to say so? You had spent a whole walk to your dorm in silence, and not the comfortable kind. If there ever was a chance for him to mention that he liked you, it would have been then, fueled by liquid courage. But he hadn’t said anything. Not last night, and not this morning. And whether he actually had forgotten or was just pretending not to remember anything, the result was the same. You wouldn’t be talking about what happened ever again.

“Guess you just got really lucky,” you chuckled, but even to you it sounded hollow. You desperately wished this moment would mean something, but it was nothing out of the ordinary, and if anyone caught you like this they wouldn’t even consider that you were anything but friends, because Hyunjin had been this comfortable around you for years.

“That I did. By the way, Felix asked if we were gonna go for Boba later today, you in?”

You were running late, because you had somehow ended up convincing yourself that if you scrolled through your Instagram feed in your pajamas up until five minutes before you had to leave you could still totally make it. It had most certainly nothing to do with the fact that Hyunjin was one of the more punctual members of your friend group and you had wanted to avoid waiting with him alone for everyone else. You had to get over it, and you had to get over it fast, because even if you had been more than friendly last night, and even if he actually had forgotten, which you weren’t quite buying, even if it meant nothing, underneath it all Hyunjin was still your best friend. The entire reason of getting over your crush had always been not to lose that, and that objective hadn’t changed.

You had miscalculated though, because now you were effectively running fifteen minutes late. You cringed internally when you saw that indeed almost everyone had arrived. Even Jeongin seemed to have found a free spot between all his classes to show up, and he was already tapping his wristwatch when he spotted you from afar.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” You apologized, a little out of breath because you had started hurrying once you realized you were more than your planned five minutes late. “I was busy with, uh, assignments and I totally forgot the time.”

“They were that thrilling, huh?” Jeongin commented with a raised eyebrow and you stuck your tongue out at the younger boy.

“I thought you were already done with all your stuff last night. Didn’t you tell me you finished it all so you could come to karaoke night without feeling bad?”

You closed your eyes for a second, taking a deep breath to swallow the curse threatening to fall over your lips. Hyunjin knew you too well, and there was no way he was buying your, admittedly, bad excuse. You decided to switch tactics because clearly this wasn’t working for you anyways.

“I’m not even last so I don’t know why you’re all so upset with me. Where’s Minho?”

“Practice, he’s not coming. So, we were indeed waiting for you, don’t try to get out of this one,” Jisung joked and you sighed, raising your hands in defeat.

“Alright, alright. I’m here now, it’s not like you’re all overly punctual. Can we just get bubble tea now?”

You weren’t truly angry at their reaction, knowing they were only teasing you and didn’t actually care whether you were late, but you had been so on edge the whole day that you couldn’t help but snap a little. It wasn’t their fault. If anything, it was solely Hyunjin’s fault, but you couldn’t even truly blame him, because he hadn’t done anything you hadn’t wanted him to do. It was awkward now because you were the one hoping it meant more than he had actually intended it to mean.  

Ignoring the confused look Chan was giving you at your tone you were glad no one but him seemed to really notice that something was off. He would at least not address it while everyone else was here. You followed your group of friends towards your go-to campus boba shop, making sure that you stuck to neither Chan nor Hyunjin, listening to Felix and Seungmin discussing the perfect mixture of strawberry banana smoothies instead. It was a welcome distraction from being stuck with your own thoughts, as you had been since this morning. You had been unable to stop your mind from going over every single word or touch that had passed between you and Hyunjin from last night to now, because you couldn’t comprehend how it had gotten the point where you were making out, and then progressed from there to … absolutely nothing. You had been joking the whole night, as you usually were, Hyunjin growing progressively more touchy the more drunk he got. The whole night had been nothing out of the ordinary at all, until he suddenly got upset, ignored you, and then ended up with his tongue down your throat on a park bench. Stealing a small glance at him while he was deeply in conversation with Jisung, both of them laughing about something undoubtedly stupid, you couldn’t help but wonder if he could really not remember anything. He seemed so casual and unbothered. But then again, if it wasn’t a big deal for him, if he had just been drunk and horny, why wouldn’t he be unbothered? Maybe you hadn’t been as subtle in your crush as you thought and he had realized the mistake he’d made, so he had decided it would save you both a lot of trouble if he just pretended last night never happened.

Angry at how you had successfully managed to completely fade out the conversations around you, your thoughts once again gravitating back to Hyunjin, you plopped down next to Seungmin, leaving the others to order their bubble tea because you had lost your appetite. You were starting to question why you had even shown up. Naively you had thought it would improve your mood, hell, you had hoped that meeting in your friend circle would even ease some of the awkwardness you now felt at being around Hyunjin, but instead it had only made you angry at your own stupidity.

It really did not help that a minute later Hyunjin was sliding a grass green honeydew flavored bubble tea in front of you with a grin.

“Got you your favorite.”

“I-“ You didn’t quite manage to tell him that you didn’t feel like drinking bubble tea, especially not when he bought it for you, because he was positively beaming at you and normally you would have loved how thoughtful and sweet he was all the time. “Thank you, Hyunjin,” you sighed instead, managing a smile that came nowhere near reaching your eyes. “You didn’t have to.”

He rolled his eyes and you realized that apart from the slight lack of enthusiasm in your tone nothing you’d said was out of the ordinary. With all the commotion around you it wouldn’t even be unlikely that he didn’t notice something was off.

“You know I love spoiling you. Besides, you made breakfast, I’m only returning the favor.”

“I told you!” Felix surged up opposite of you, pointing an accusatory finger at Seungmin. “I knew he slept over!”

“Obviously I did, where did you think I was all night? Besides, would you rather I’d let her walk home by herself in the middle of the night? What if someone saw her walking by herself and got dumb ideas?”

Like kiss your best friend you thought bitterly, holding yourself back from commenting. Hyunjin sleeping over was a casual affair and no one would think it was weird or would even assume that things had went wrong somewhere between last night and now.

They were still bickering and you focused back on the boba instead, forcing yourself to drink it because not only did you usually love honeydew, but it would be pretty suspicious if you didn’t touch it, even though you felt sick to your stomach.

It was downright ridiculous how uncomfortable you felt when you could just focus on anyone else but Hyunjin. You were still overheated from hurrying through the heat all the way over campus, and the temperatures in the store didn’t help you calm down. You felt too hot, and you knew your face was probably pretty red.

As if reading your thoughts Jisung addressed you.

“You look like you’re close to having a heat stroke. We’re reaching thirty degrees; you’re wearing high collared shirts and no one finds this even remotely suspect?”

Mentally scolding yourself you prepared to give the most nonchalant answer possible, because you only now realized your mistake. It was indeed pretty off brand for you to be quite as covered up as you were in your high collared shirt, sweating and positively hating your choice of clothing, except you hadn’t had any other options upon realizing that Hyunjin had littered your entire cleavage in dark purple hickeys. Everyone had seen you leave with him, you couldn’t have possibly explained them away.

Daring another glance in Hyunjin’s direction you tried to gauge whether Jisung’s words affected him in any way. If he remembered he must know why you had opted to sweat rather than show even the slightest bit of cleavage. But he wasn’t even looking at you, straw of his bubble tea popped into his mouth and chewing on the tapioca pearls as if this had absolutely nothing to do with him.

“Maybe I just realized I’m friends with eight guys whose biggest concern is how much boob I show.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Jisung pouted, and you felt even guiltier for continuously snapping at your friends unfairly simply because you were so agitated because of Hyunjin.

“Gross, I have no interest in your boobs.” Chan added, pulling a face that actually had you chuckle a little.

“I know Chan, you’re the only one I can trust.” You reassured him, patting his hand across the table.

“I’ve never once even looked at your boobs, if you think about it maybe you should actually be insulted.” Seungmin mused, but you caught the devilish grin pulling at the corner of his mouth, giving away that he was teasing you. Still, you crossed your arms with a pout and went along with it, because everyone at the table was chuckling now, including Hyunjin, and you really didn’t want to draw any more attention to the fact that something was severely off.

“Actually, how about we just stop talking about my boobs altogether,” you suggested, not actually uncomfortable because you trusted them, but rather because you did not want to tread so close to the edge of a topic that you didn’t even want to think about, yet couldn’t stop anyways.

“Yes, please.” Chan added with a dramatic sigh, and you used the moment to steal another glance at Hyunjin, studying his reactions. Usually, you could read your friend like an open book. He mostly wore his heart on his sleeve. He was grinning at Chan, clearly amused by how bothered your friend was by this topic, but there was absolutely no indication that he felt even remotely as tense as you. If anything, he looked relaxed and at ease, a very stark contrast to how you felt and probably looked. You had been skeptical but by now you were actually starting to believe that he really did not remember anything that had gone down last night. It was ironic, that he would leave your skin littered with reminders of something that you couldn’t possibly forget even without them, when he was the one who’d actually need a refresher.

“Hey, uhm… Jisung?” A timid voice ripped you out of your thoughtsand conveniently offered the change of topic Chan had desperately been asking for. Right next to the boy in question stood a cute girl in a yellow summer dress, her hair bound together with a fitting bow. She seemed vaguely familiar, but you couldn’t place her. Jisung, however, clearly could because he blanched and turned around so fast he almost yeeted himself off his chair. It would have been funny if you hadn’t been quite so confused. Looking around to check, it seemed as if the only other person who did not recognize this girl was Hyunjin, and as a follow up his confused gaze met yours, eyebrow raised and you could almost hear how he was going through faces in his head, asking whether you knew who this was.

“You’re Jisung, right? The one who did that rap thing last night?”

You couldn’t fully suppress a snort when Hyunjin’s and yours eyes widened comically, your gazes of surprise mirroring each other. That was karaoke bar girl.

“I’m Yuna, by the way,” she added when Jisung still did not say anything and instead just stared at her as if she’d hung the moon. You saw the movement and heard the scramble under the table before Jisung yelped and you knew that Jeongin had mercilessly kicked him in the shin, but it did push Jisung out of his state of being awestruck.

“Yes, yeah, I’m Jisung. I did the rapping. Yuna. Hi!” He almost yelped again on those last two words and you felt the way everyone was on the edge of their seat, praying that he would take this opportunity and not fuck it up again.

“You were really good,” Yuna complimented with a smile so pretty you couldn’t miss the way Jisung was melting. “Anyway, you’re with your friends, I don’t want to keep you-“ she started, clearly now noticing that there were seven other people staring at them and hanging on their every word.

“Do you want my number?” Jisung blurted out, and you almost laughed when Felix and Chan fist-bumped under the table. Yuna seemed just as ecstatic at the idea, fishing her phone out of her bag so Jisung could enter his phone number before she excused herself with an awkward half-wave, eyes mostly glued on Jisung. There was half a minute of utter silence on your table while Yuna was strolling out of the boba store before everyone erupted into hollering and cheering, Chan tousling Jisung’s hair so enthusiastically the poor boy had a hard time sitting upright. He was clearly still in state of shock while everyone else was celebrating that he had finally gotten somewhere with karaoke girl – Yuna – and while you were truly happy for your friend you felt another wave crash over you almost at the same time. Where had your love-life gone so phenomenally wrong?

Sure, you had hook-ups whenever you felt like it, and that was nice from time to time, but Jisung was still staring as if he couldn’t comprehend what had just happened, and how should he? The girl he had been crushing on for the last months seemed to be interested in him. The only time you had ever felt like that was with Hyunjin. You had squashed those feelings temporarily, but while you had had good casual sex no one else had managed to elicit butterflies quite the way Hyunjin could, and you now knew why. You were not over him, and until you were you would be stuck with feeling empty, a perpetual weight on your chest that would never allow room for butterflies and all those other mushy feeling that came with being in love.

You felt your phone vibrate next to you on the table, picking it up only to be greeted with a message from Chan popping up on your lock screen.

[4:37 PM] From: Chan 🐺

            U okay? you look kinda sad…

You looked up at him quickly, catching his worried gaze from across the table and chided yourself for being so careless. Just because everyone else was too caught up in being happy for Jisung – as they should be – didn’t mean your oldest friend wouldn’t catch you sulking and wallowing in self-pity right in front of him.

You shot him a thumbs up with a smile that felt thin and pathetic.

[4:38 PM] To: Chan 🐺

            Yeah don’t worry. Didn’t get much sleep last night and im pretty tired…

You didn’t outright look at him after he’d read your message, watching him from the corner of your eyes and you could tell he wasn’t buying it. Attempting to appease him you clicked back in to the celebrations, putting on the brightest smile you could possibly manage with how you actually felt, but you immediately regretted it. They had moved on from celebrating Jisung’s love life to teasing Hyunjin about his, by trying to set him up with the barista currently mixing cream cheese milk tea. If he was bothered by it, he barely showed any signs. To his benefit he did not actually get up to talk to her, but he also didn’t react quite as prickly as he had when you had tried setting him up with Chaeyoung last night, and it only added to the irritation you felt towards him and your whole predicament.

“What’s your opinion?”

You didn’t realize the question had been directed at you until Felix was throwing the paper wrapping of his straw at you. You quickly threw another gaze at the barista, not really taking her in at all.

“Hmmm? Yeah, she’s cute.”

No one commented on your complete lack of enthusiasm compared to usual, and if they found it strange they didn’t react in any way, instead turning back to the conversation at hand.

It was all a little too much and a little too suffocating and you knew that if you got up and left now you wouldn’t have a good excuse, but you didn’t care. You had already been acting strange the whole last hour or so you had been here, so it really didn’t make much of a difference anymore.

Signaling Seungmin and Felix that you wanted to get up you snuck out of the booth, squishing past them and threw a quick goodbye at the table. You turned to hurry out of the shop before they could properly realize that you were actually leaving, trying to avoid the questions that would undoubtedly be thrown at you if anyone stopped you now. You were positive you had handled that moment anything but smoothly, but you didn’t get very far before Hyunjin, of all people, caught up to you. He had your not even half empty bubble tea in one hand, which you had conveniently not taken with you.

“You forgot this,” he stated the obvious, holding the drink out to you and you grabbed it, with the full intention of never drinking it either way.

You didn’t know what to say, but it was clearly not the right moment to turn around and just leave, so for a second you were simply staring at Hyunjin stubbornly, willing him to go back into the store. Instead, you found yourself wrapped in his arms, one of those hugs that were usually the most comforting thing in the world, but felt like pure torture now.

“Grab some sleep, ‘kay?” He was murmuring into your hair, and you closed your eyes and willed yourself to simply nod, praying that was answer enough. Let him think you were simply tired and exhausted; it was better than the alternative. “I don’t know what’s gotten you so down, but you know you’re still my favorite girl in the world, right bunny? You can talk to me about it.”

His words were just the cherry on top of a whole load of bullshit you did not want to deal with so you carefully untangled yourself, throwing him the most awkward thumbs up in the world, bubble tea in one hand, smile that couldn’t possibly have been convincing grazing your lips, before you turned around and almost bolted.

Things got worse from here on out, and the only one to blame was you. Having realized that you were clearly not cut out to handle the situation you had drawn back, spending the entirety of the next week by focusing on your courses and assignments, for once getting them done in time. Completely withdrawing from your friends did wonders for your work ethics, but Chaeryoung, who you had refused to fill in on the whole situation but knew something was wrong, kept repeating that this wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism.

You hadn’t completely withdrawn from everyone, because that would have only aroused suspicions that you could not have explained away. You did still reply in the group chat as if everything was fine, telling them that you were simply very busy and needed this time to focus on studying so you could stay on top of your courses. Whether they believed it or not was a different matter, but they left you be.

Hyunjin, however, knew you better and had been texting you the minute you bolted from him at the boba shop. He had also texted you the following three days, checking in if you were okay, if there was anything he could do, if you wanted to talk. You appeased him with excuses and conversation that you were sure he was seeing straight through. You weren’t actively trying to push him away, but whenever you received a text for him your brain shut down and you couldn’t help but feel as if everything you held dear was crumbling. Eventually Hyunjin gave up, and you weren’t surprised when, two days later on a Saturday midday, you finally received a text from Chan.

[11:14 AM] From: Chan 🐺

            You might be able to fool the guys but you’re not smooth enough to fool me.

[11:14 AM] I can’t force you to tell me what’s wrong but what you’re doing is unhealthy.

[11:16 AM] To: Chan 🐺

            Studying? I agree...

[11:17 AM] From: Chan 🐺

            I ain’t buying it.

There wasn’t another message for a couple of minutes and you thought that maybe you had avoided this conversation, even though Chan was undoubtedly disappointed you didn’t even talk to him after years of friendship. But just when you were ready to put this from your mind and focus on something else your phone buzzed again.

[11:23 AM] From: Chan 🐺

            Are you in love with Hyunjin again?

You were staring at your own phone screen in disbelief, half a heart to throw the device against the wall and move out of the country, but that would only confirm Chan’s suspicions. How did he even figure that out, having seen you once since that night and not again after that.

[11:24 AM] To: Chan 🐺

            No????

[11:25 AM] How did u even get that idea lmao chan I’ve been over him for the last two years

[11:26 AM] From: Chan 🐺

          He told me you’re barely answering his texts. Thinks he’s pissed you off but             the last time you got like that was when you thought you could get over your             crush.

[11:27 AM] To: Chan 🐺

            Idk what hes talking about, I told you all I’m busy.

You were bordering on snapping at your friends again, and you knew that your replies to Chan right now did nothing to convince him that he wasn’t right. Chan knew you too well, and if he’d already come to the conclusion himself then nothing you said or wrote could convince him otherwise, since he was right and he could tell.

Your phone buzzed again and the only reason you didn’t ignore the message was because you knew Chan would be at your front door in twenty minutes if you did, if he wasn’t on his way here already anyway. But the message wasn’t from Chan.

            [11:31 AM] From: Jinnie 🍓

            Don't know if u saw in the group chat but there's a pool party at Wooyoung's             later today

            [11:31 AM] I thought you might wanna come too

            [11:33 AM] I miss you.

I miss you. You read over those last three words again and again, ready to tear your hair out in frustration. He was missing his friend, of course he was, you had barely talked, let alone seen each other in a week, when you usually spent almost every day together. But the way those three words made your chest constrict and filled your stomach with a jittery feeling was absolutely ridiculous.

You had indeed seen the messages about the party in the group chat, but initially immediately decided that you would not go. But now that Hyunjin had asked you and you thought about it, it started to sound more and more like a great idea. Jung Wooyoung was was ridiculously rich and ridiculously spoiled, and if he threw a party it would be big. What better opportunity to prove to yourself that you were not in love with Hyunjin, than to go to a party filled with drunk frat boys? If nothing else, the alcohol would at least surely serve as another unhealthy coping mechanism to distract you. Your feelings for Hyunjin, if you could even call them that, were merely a crush anyways, and you were a big girl who could get over a crush, even though you knew that Chaeryoung would be telling you that this plan screamed disaster if you told her about it.

            [11:35 AM] To: Jinnie 🍓

            sure ill be there 👍

            [11:35 AM] miss you too!

It seemed to have become a common theme that you were running late where Hyunjin was concerned. You had taken too long for your make up, to choose what outfit to wear even though you ultimately settled on a cute swimsuit, an oversized t-shirt and shorts, as you had known you would.

You had told Hyunjin you missed him and that wasn’t a lie, but that only made the situation infinitely worse. You wanted to be able to act normal around him, to be friends with him exactly the way you used to be. It had been easy and comfortable and in the span of little over a week it had all be turned upside down. Now you were stuck in this awkward vacuum where you desperately missed your friend, yet every time you saw him your heart pinched and you couldn’t even look at him without behaving off.

The fact that he was so patient with you even though he had no idea what had happened to have you act so distant only spoke volumes about how good of a friend he really was, and it was high time you got your act together, because you did not want to lose this friendship, and acting the way you were, you were on the best way to achieving that.

With that resolution you approached Wooyoung’s house, the music audible even before you entered the front lawn. Sprinklers were placed on the lush green lawn, a few people lingering and shoving each other in the water. It was only six pm so the sun was still up high and strong. You entered the house, unsure where to start looking for your friends but you figured the back yard with the pool would be a good start.

It helped that they were usually loud, because as soon as you entered the garden through the balcony doors you had no trouble spotting Changbin and Felix in the crowd of people. They were in the pool, drenched head to toe because they were apparently fighting to see who could drown the other first. Letting your eyes pass on you found Chan with Seungmin by the lounge chairs, both a drink in hand. They had clearly spotted you too and were waving you over enthusiastically. You plopped down next to Chan on his lounge chair, eyeing his drink before you decided it was save and stole it from his grip to take a tentative sip, poking your tongue out at him.

“Okay, hello to you, too,” Chan laughed, grabbing his drink back before you could finish it for him. You greeted them both with a hug, surprised at how easy going it was now that you were here. It might have been because Chan and Seungmin weren’t the problem, but you decided not to dwell on it.

“Hi, sorry I’m late, I had to put together this killer outfit,” you explained, pointing at your oversized shirt, a strawberry stitched right in the middle.

“I can tell.” Chan laughed and you lightly punched him in the shoulder at his slander.

“You didn’t miss much, don’t worry,” Seungmin added, his own drink seemingly full and untouched because Seungmin was the responsible one of the group most of the time. “Changbin and Felix have been continuously trying to drown each other for the last hour, we’ve lost count of who’s winning. Minho is somewhere getting shitfaced with some guys from the dance department. Those dudes are so whack I didn’t even dare dwelve further into it.”

You pulled a face in sympathy, agreeing with Seungmin. Minho’s friends were… something else. If he was drinking with them, you wouldn’t be seeing much of him today and it was probably for the better, because they usually didn’t leave it at just drinking and while Minho could be eccentric when sober, high Minho was a lot.

“Jisung?” you asked, trying to spot him.

“Over at the bar with Jeongin.”

“And you let them go together?!” you spluttered because usually both Seungmin and Chan were big on treating Jeongin like a kid you all had to protect simply because he was a little younger than the rest of you.

“I’m not so much worried about Jeongin as I am about Jisung. Or did you forget that one time Jeongin convinced us to let him mix our drinks and you ended up throwing up after one Long Island Ice Tea?”

Thinking back to that evening with a shiver you had to agree with Chan. “I actually don’t remember,” you laughed. “Might be because that devil child mixed everything into that drink except for anything anti-alcoholic. Now I’m worried about Jisung.”

You noticed how neither of them had mentioned Hyunjin. You wanted to ask, but you were actually having a good time, so why ruin it sooner than necessary? Trying to spot Jisung and Jeongin over at the bar you let your eyes drift towards it, but you didn’t get much farther than the pool. You immediately knew why Chan had not said anything about Hyunjin and you really wished your chest wouldn’t feel as if someone had ripped it open. He was in the pool, wearing a white shirt for no apparent reason other than that the way it clung to his skin was surely driving everyone in proximity crazy. His long hair was wet, slicked back in a casual manner that implied he had ran his wet hand through it a lot. The problem wasn’t that he looked good enough to make you forget why you couldn’t be more than friends. The problem was that he wasn’t alone his hand resting lazily on another girl’s waist. Your brain shut down for a moment, unable to take in anything but the way he was touching her bare skin, until she laughed and turned a little more towards you and you unmistakably recognized Chaeyoung. So much for not wanting her.

You couldn’t blame him, heck, you had even tried to set him up, but somehow actually seeing her talk to him as intimately as they were was a whole other thing. He looked so heartbreakingly gorgeous, and you couldn’t deny that Chaeyoung looked good withhim.

You knew you shouldn’t be watching but you couldn’t look away. You always thought Hyunjin was just a naturally touchy person. You always told yourself the way he was with you was nothing special. But you also knew in your heart of hearts that you had always hoped that it was special, that it did mean more. Seeing him with Chaeyoung now though you knew with certainty that the way he usually touched you was nothing. You had clearly never witnessed Hyunjin flirting before.  

His hand was constantly in his hair, mussing up the long strands as if he knew exactly how good he looked with a few stray, wet strands in his face, drops of water chasing down the column of his neck. There was a light smile on his face, somewhere between a smirk and a genuinely nice smile, and god, he kept biting his full bottom lip. Chaeyoung was so close to him, Hyunjin’s hand not leaving her hip, and even from a distance you caught the way he was pressing his fingertips into her skin. You knew what it felt like and you couldn’t blame Chaeyoung for subtly inching closer to him. Yeah, you were definitely staring too much.

“Did they come here together?” you asked instead, the nonchalance in your voice a little too strained to be genuine, but the music was loud, people were shouting and just maybe neither Chan nor Seungmin caught it.

“Nope.” Chan let the word hang in the air for a moment, probably savoring that he knew exactly just how much you were dying for him to spill any more information. Seungmin, who was either just nicer or hadn’t caught up on what was going on, was your saving grace.

“Hyunjin came with us and we were waiting for you when Chaeyoung approached him. Asked if he wanted to help her with some game in the poolagainst Momo and San. Actually, that was a pretty smooth move of her because look where it got her. I’ve never seen Hyunjin flirt like that with a girl he just met. With any girl, really.” Neither had you. You had always kept the firm believe that Hyunjin subtly flirted with everyone but compared to what was going on with Chaeyoung right now, he had never flirted with you except that one night when he’d been drunk and wanted to check his bucket list, apparently.

As if Seungmin could read your mind he added, more subdued, “Well except you, but we all know you’re just friends.”

“She’s very pretty. They look good together,” you pressed out, ignoring how difficult it was for you to even say that, even though it was the truth.

You were still staring at them, despite better judgement, so you did not see the exchange between Chan and Seungmin until the latter got up, stating he would get you all new drinks.

“You looked like you needed something strong,” Chan offered up in an empathetic explanation and you rolled your eyes, knowing that with Seungmin gone, of course he would immediately pick up where your earlier text conversation had left off.

“Not because of them.” You denied, before Chan got the opportunity to say anything. “Like I said, they look good together. And anyway, I’m the one who tried to set him up with her. This is what I wanted.”

The words came easier the second time, and if it weren’t for the hollow feeling in your chest you could have even almost believed them. But your gaze stayed glued on the pool, and now Hyunjin was brushing his thumb over her lips and you could tell Chaeyoung was melting.

“You should just tell him, you know. He probably thinks he did something wrong, and I figured I’m not the one to tell him what the actual problem is.”

He was of course referring back to your earlier conversation and about how he was so sure your crush on Hyunjin was back with a vengeance. If only Chan knew what the real problem was, which was so much more complicated than just a crush. But you were not about to disclose that information, now or ever.

“There’s nothing to tell him, Chan. My crush is found dead in a ditch. Abandoned, starved, withered away,” you forced your eyes away from the two, focusing on Chan instead as if that would prove a point. “Feelings for Hyunjin? I don’t know them.”

For a moment Chan only looked at you, with that one specific gaze that your mother had also perfected, and that made you feel all the worst ways of guilty about lying. But you wouldn’t give in, not about this. What would even be the point of admitting that you were crushing on your friend again, if only to make the problem all the more real and imminent. Ignoring it until it went away had worked before and it would work again, and Hyunjin getting awfully close with a very pretty girl would only help.

“You do know that could be you, right?”

Now your head did whip around, making the mistake of looking again and, god, Hyunjin’s face was buried in the crook of her neck but with his wet hair out of his face you caught the way he bit down, tongue darting out a moment after. How Chaeyoung was still standing upright was beyond you. You had been in that situation. For just a few moments this had been you and you were built different, going weak in the knees from just the thought.

But Chan didn’t know that. On surface level what he just said was ridiculous in your eyes, and you were hellbent on conveying that, and that only.

“Now how could that be me?” you questioned, fully ignoring that it had been you a week ago. It had only taken Hyunjin getting drunk and ignoring the fact that he was putting the friendship on the line to give you a taste of what was otherwise unachievable to you. It wasn’t comparable to sober Hyunjin kissing up Chaeyoung’s neck with very clear intentions. “That’s right, it couldn’t be.” You answered your own question before Chan could. “Hyunjin is a friend.”

“Yes, clearly he’s just a friend to you.”

You sighed impatiently, shoulders slumping because everything seemed to always be coming back to this.

“It doesn’t matter what Ifeel,” you disregarded the jab, subliminally admitting to Chan that he had been right, but it didn’t matter because he had known already even without you confirming it.  “If it were up to me, then yes, I’d replace myself with Chaeyoung in a heartbeat. But that’s not what Hyunjin wants, since he’s touching her like that, and not me.”

The words sounded as bitter as you felt. Not towards Chaeyoung, who had simply gotten lucky, but towards your whole situation of having this hopeless, stupid crush.

Of course Seungmin chose exactly that moment to resurface from the bar, no doubt having heard at least your last sentence. He wordlessly pressed your cup, filled to the brim with something hopefully strong, in your hand and settled down opposite of you.

“Listen,” he started, and you noticed Chan trying to subtly shake his head and shut Seungmin up, but the boy wasn’t deterred. “I can’t believe you don’t see it. I promised Chan I would stay out of it but you sound miserable. Hyunjin does treat you differently. All the little touches? Yes, he’s a naturally touchy person, but with you it’s softer, it’s- I don’t know, it’s different, and we all can tell.”

Seungmin’s words made your heart ache anew, but you were trying your hardest not to let it show. It didn’t matter what they think they saw, the only thing that mattered were the things Hyunjin said and did, and they spoke volumes to you. “No offense, Seungmin, but all of you are pretty hopeless when it comes to dating so I don’t exactly trust your advice.”

“You’re not wrong-“ Seungmin admitted but raised a finger to stop you from saying anything else and interrupt his speech. “- but my point stands. The way he’s touching Chaeyoung now? We all know what the goal is here, even if the motive confuses me. It’s just not like Hyunjin. But nevermind that, there’s a difference to how he touches you, and it doesn’t say ‘I just want to sleep with you’.”

You huffed, focusing on your drink instead and breaking the eye contact with Seungmin because you didn’t have an answer for him. You didn’t even know what to make of his words. If you thought about it, you always had told yourself that Hyunjin was just touchy, but Seungmin had a point. He was different with you, it was softer, more tentative. But he also had touched you exactly the way he did with Chaeyoung now, so what did that tell you?

He had proven he could get with you, too, and that left you with the same confusion you had felt all along. He had proven he could get with you and tick that off his bucket list. Friends did that, too, of course. You didn’t gain anything from that insight except for the certainty that you had to stop feeling anything other than amicably for him, because he did not reciprocate these feelings in any way.

Panicking slightly, you gripped both your hands onto your solo cup and chugged down a good gulp, coughing as the alcohol washed down your throat. Already raising it to your lips again you caught Chan’s expression, eyebrow raised.

“I know you’re always drinking when you’re trying to avoid something. Are we finally going to talk about this or…?”

“Or!” you grinned, successfully downing the rest of your cup and jumping up in a rush to get a refill. 

One cup turned into two cups turned into four cups and you were well into feeling light and much more carefree than you had about an hour ago. You had lost sight of Hyunjin and Chaeyoung, which was quite the feat considering that your eyes couldn’t seem to stay away from them, but somewhere between your third drink and almost being wrestled into the pool by Jisung with all of your clothes on, your mind had stopped keeping track of the two of them.

You weren’t quite sure why you had been so obsessed in the first place when you came here. It was a great party, there was a pool, alcohol, all of your friends were here. So what if Hyunjin was finally hooking up? You had always tried to get him to do that, and hadn’t you told yourself you’d come here precisely to get a distraction as well?

Yeah, maybe you were secretly throwing a little hissy fit because he had texted you he missed you, but he had not even made the time to talk to you since you got here, too busy sucking up on Chaeyoung. He probably hadn’t even noticed you. But you were trying to convince yourself that this was a good thing, this was what you wanted, and with every additional cup you succeeded a bit more.

The sun had stopped burning down quite so mercilessly, but even with sundown the temperatures were high. With the terrace packed with people it was still uncomfortably hot. You weren’t about to jump in a pool at a frat house that was at this point probably as much alcohol as it was water, but you weren’t above settling down on the edge and sticking your legs in to cool down a little.

“You know, usually we throw these parties to see cute girls in tiny bikinis,” a teasing voice piqued up, tone casual and tinged with amusement, telling you that he didn’t mean his words quite so seriously.

“I guess I came to the wrong party, then, but you should have plenty of options,” you pointed out before your gaze fell on the person speaking and your breath got stuck in your chest for just the shortest moment before you caught yourself, relaxing at the edge of the pool. Seonghwa was in swim shorts, long blonde slicked back in wet strands, sunglasses resting on top of them surely solely for effect. He was wearing white sleeveless shirt which he clearly hadn’t bothered taking off before jumping into the pool. With the way it clung to his body and had turned transparent he might as well not be wearing anything, except the thin layer of wet clothing made the whole look so much more delectable. He was fully doing this on purpose, and very much aware of the effect he had. Yeah, he definitely knew he looked good.

“Oh, I wasn’t finished yet.”

You raised an eyebrow in amusement, curious what other line he was about to throw your way.

“I appreciate this get-up,” he lazily waved a finger to indicate he was talking about your oversized shirt hiding your bikini. “Because I do enjoy a good challenge.”

You couldn’t help but burst out laughing at his sleazy comment. The way he delivered it so confidently, as if he truly believed he was the smoothest guy at this whole party was nothing short of hilarious, and it seemed to have been the exact effect he had been going for. He was good.

He knew exactly what to say, when to raise his eyebrow just the slightest bit or when to let his tongue peak out, barely wetting his lips, to push just the right buttons. And it seemed that making you laugh had been exactly the point of his over-the-top comments, because he was wearing a confident grin, chuckling along with you.

“Was that too much?”

You didn’t fail to notice that he was not so subtly inching closer to you, almost close enough to brush your legs tangling in the water with his body.

You playfully dipped your hand into the water, splashing his upper body and shoulders with a few drops of water before you shrugged with a grin of your own.

“You don’t look like someone who struggles with getting a girl out of her shirt, like, at all. I’m not buying it.”

“A shame. Let me try again?” He definitely knew that he already had you hooked, but he still pretended to be making an effort, even though you knew he was mostly doing this to amuse you. This boy really knew how to get what he wanted.

“Sure,” you encouraged him, nodding your head to signal him to go ahead. You didn’t expect him to step up to you, one hand tracing up the outer side of your leg, coming to halt slightly above your knee. He was pushing your legs apart, but so gently that if you didn’t want it you could stop this anytime. But you would’ve lied if you said you weren’t curious how far he was going with this, and his fingertips, wet and cool, felt nice on the warm skin of your thighs. You should have known he wouldn’t stop there, but your breath still hitched when he leant in, strands of his hair falling forward and trickling drops of pool water on your exposed collarbones. His mouth was just close enough to feel his warm breath on your skin but nothing more.

“Wanna take off that shirt and get wet for me?”

And because he wanted to watch the effect he had on you, he didn’t even stay close to let you bask in the feeling of his breath ghosting over your skin. Instead leant back and ran his hand through his wet hair to push the long strands back again.

For a second you were dumbstruck, the words sinking in, before you started laughing even harder than before, noticing the satisfied smirk on his face. You also didn’t fail to notice his hand rising up higher on your thighs, or the way his thumb had started drawing circles on your skin ever since he had stepped closer and didn’t step away again. He was very subtle about it, but at some point between delivering that horrible line and watching your reaction he had eliminated the distance between your bodies, fully standing between your now embarrassingly wide spread legs.

On a whim you raised your hand, running your own fingers through his bleached hair because every time he did it you were itching to do the same. You tugged, just a little to test how he would react, when you reached his lengths. The effect was immediate, his fingers digging into your skin, bottom lip stuck between his teeth to stop the soft moan bubbling over his lips.

“Knew you’d like that one.” His voice was more of a grumble at this point, and you were amazed just how much of an effect a little hair pulling had.

“Actually, it was horrible,” you teased him, a smile playing on your lips while your fingers stayed buried in his hair, toying with the strands and pulling slightly from time to time just to watch him shudder between your legs.

“But it still worked, didn’t it?” he pushed, his fingers inching closer up your inner thigh to indicate what he meant and you didn’t quite manage to suppress the shiver, proving him right. “Were you thinking about fucking me back at the karaoke bar too?”

You didn’t get the chance to come up with a witty reply, because before you could even gather your thoughts you were splashed with such an absurd amount of water it left you  drenched from head to toe. Both you and Seonghwa jumped, him pulling away from you and you effectively slipping over the edge of the pool and falling straight into the water with all of your clothes on. You were never happier than in that moment that you had left your bag including your phone with Chan. It didn’t change the fact, however, that you were dripping wet, shirt sticking to your body like a second skin.

“What the actual fuck?!” you sputtered, almost at the same time as Seonghwa, who seemed equally as pissed, both turned towards the person who had decided to jump into the pool right next to you as if they couldn’t tell they were interrupting. Your outrage was joined by the guy who had been responsible for splashing you with water and looked almost more irritated than you. You didn’t know him, but judging by how he was fuming he has clearly not voluntarily jumped in the pool just now. His gaze wasn’t directed at you either, but at someone standing at the edge of the pool. You followed his line of sight, even more confused when you saw it was Hyunjin, drink in one hand and the other one raised in mock defense because the cocky grin on his face told a whole other story.

“What’s your problem, dude?!” the boy burst up and Hyunjin had the audacity to shrug, not even really looking at the other guy, catching your gaze instead.

“Oops, I’m so sorry,” Hyunjin downright drawled, and you would’ve exploded if you wouldn’t have been so confused what on earth had gotten into him. You ignored the huffing of the dude crawling out of the pool, the same way Hyunjin ignored the dirty look he threw him for intentionally pushing him into the pool. It wasn’t like Hyunjin and you were utterly dumbfounded what he was suddenly acting like this, the only indication being the cup in his hand and the clear lilt to his voice, although even drunk he had never been like this before.

“I sure hope I didn’t ruin the mood, you two seemed awfully cozy.”

You had never heard him speak in such a venomous, mean tone. This wasn’t your Hyunjin, because in three years of friendship he had never spoken to you or anyone else with the intention to hurt. He was many things, overly-dramatic, exaggerating and sometimes even extremely petty, but Hyunjin wasn’t cruel. Until now.

You just wanted him to stop talking but he pushed on, ignoring the pained look on your face if he even caught it. He seemed a little too drunk to have any tactfulness.

“Nice of you to show up, by the way. I can tell you missed me by how you’re trying to hop onto his dick.”

His last words were a sneer, head nodding towards Seonghwa, whose presence you felt closely behind you. Your mind immediately jumped back to the conversation during karaoke night, and how Hyunjin had decided that Seonghwa wasn’t worth of your attention, but you hadn’t thought he was quite so serious about this. You were old enough to decide for yourself if you wanted a hook-up, and hadn’t he been the one doing the same thing earlier? And he had not come to talk to you either, even though he allegedly missed you, so it was extremely hypocritical of him to blame you for that. At least you had given him space and freedom with his hook-up, because it simply wasn’t your business and you had no claim on him. You had hoped this party would finally smooth things over between Hyunjin and you after he had invited you and told you he missed you, but if anything it had only torn you more apart. Not because he had snuggled up to Chaeyoung, but because you couldn’t wrap your mind around how hurtful he was behaving towards you right now, without any good reason.

If you didn’t know any better you would have called his behavior jealousy. But you weren’t delusional, and even if it was true there had been many instances where Hyunjin had his chance to make his intentions clear.

He was the one who didn’t remembe he fingered you. You were sure his current words and behavior would eventually cut deep but right at that moment it only filled you with an anger to rival his.

“You’re clearly drunk, Hyunjin. Go home and get sober, and then we can talk about whatever just went down here.”

You tried to keep your voice even and calm despite how riled up this situation had left you. He wouldn’t be saying these things if he were sober, and if for nothing but the sake of your friendship you would give him the courtesy to explain himself when he was sober and had his thoughts together. You wouldn’t, however, let him ruin your night and this party. Seonghwa had clearly been aching for a hook-up and if anything, this fight and a good distraction could only help to move on from Hyunjin. Deciding that nothing good would come from this now you turned to Seonghwa, who was watching the whole exchange with mild interest until now, trying not to look too obviously amused.

“Can I borrow a shirt of yours or something? Seems like I did end up dripping wet after all,” you directed towards him with a cringe and the switch in his face was immediate, going from amusement to focusing his whole attention on you with something much more intense underlying.

“Sure, angel.” He was nodding his head towards the edge of the pool, helping you out of the water, your wet clothes gushing and effectively drenching the whole side of the terrace where you were standing. You wouldn’t have actually cared, but Hyunjin’s whole intention had been to fuck up your evening, and you were determined to go through with this if only out of spite. If Seonghwa caught on, which was hard not to, he clearly didn’t care because he lifted himself out of the pool after you, giving yourself a good eyeful of his arms flexing, water dripping down his back in a way that made you dig your nails into your palm. Stepping up to you and completely ignoring Hyunjin, which was quite the feat because he was glaring daggers at you at this point, Seonghwa wrapped an arm around your waist smoothly as if he had done it many times before.

“Just checking, but we’re going upstairs so I can fuck you, right?”

“God, yes.”

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

How Do i even post about it ...

Ok so i mentioned in my previous post how two hummingbirds were circling me today when i got to the summit of the mountain, and i knew it was my father. But in that moment i was thinking, who is the 2nd one? And my thoughts were, Oh it must be another angel who's following him around

Well. I just opened up youtube and saw my favorite psychic posted a new reading, the title something like "Your father's spirit called upon an angel for your healing" .. I got shivers .. for context, i don't watch very many psychics as i don't find many of them to be trustworthy, but this girl is like on a totally different level her readings are always extremely specific & her energy is soooo beautiful like truly ethereal she is a true channeler , she also barely ever posts , you can tell it's not like a 'hustle' to her like she hadn't posted anything in like a month before this, idk she's just very sincere

the basic gist of the reading was, she said she sees "your father standing there, and to the side of him, a much larger figure, an angel" .. And he has called upon the angel to assist him, in assisting me, in healing this wound, as well as communication, because he does not have the power to heal it himself. (At one point she mentioned how he was not a spiritual person in life, he does not have psychic gifts, which is why he had to call upon this angel, which made me laugh cus it's true as fuck my dad hated all things woo-woo)

But i was like oh my god.... that was the 2nd hummingbird i saw earlier... i heard it in my mind.. There's another angel with him, but i didn't know who, and i even wondered why i didn't know who, because usually i know, when i see something and it has a message for me i know who it's from...

It's so crazy, she specified that "you lost your father very young" but also "you moved around a lot, part of the wound is that you've never been able to root in your life, you desire to root and establish something for yourself but the wound has kept you from this and that's what he's called upon this angel to heal for you" she also said the word "nomad" and i was like fully sobbing at this point cus. that's been my WHOLE life like from early childhood up until this exact moment, before and after he died, i move and move and move i never stay still ..

i've never had roots and when i'm feeling sorry for myself that's where my mind goes, "You never got to have roots". I see & know so many people who just have that they just have a home and a family they have a hometown they take it quite for granted to be known and familiar. it's like yeah i'll never see any of my childhood homes again even from the outside. i have like 5 childhood homes split in different countries. i dream of them and that's all there is.

But ok, she said like, omg dude. She said the angel is bringing you "freedom". And i fucking gasped even though that sounds vague as fuck, i have been repeatedly praying lately for My Perfect Freedom. Every night. A few weeks ago i finally took action into seeking legal help for my immigration situation and since then i've been receiving nothing but good news about it, better than i ever imagined. Especially in the past week. I'm not rly trying to talk about it online but i feel like it's important to note for the timing of this message that i literally AM getting my freedom and it's FELT angelic.

Like i've been feeling this new sense of vitality and hope and optimism in my heart that i can stay. I can just stay here. I never have to move again. I literally can root. i've been walking with denji every night, and i just look around at the neighborhood and the sky and the trees, i listen to the cicadas, i'm like holy shit, this is it, this is what it means to have joy, this is what it means to be present, nothing feels mundane, i'm just so happy to be here, i'm giving thanks every moment, i'm seeing my future unfold, the way i can get a job again, actually start saving up for a life that's real, tangible, the uncertainty i've lived with for my entire adult life is fading away, literally so recently like so so recently

and today at the mountaintop felt like a climax of this feeling, the gratitude, the panorama of opportunities, angels communicating, presentness, just not wanting or needing to be anywhere else, not needing to run away anymore

She said about how "you were best friends with your father" which i was, and she said "you share your gifts but he acknowledges you do it better than him" which cracked me up cus like. My father looooved drawing and photography which are obviously big things for me too, part of our friendship was that he pushed me to do art and make a real career of it like he wanted to.

i think i've spoken of this on here before but taking photos is something i do with him, not even like "im honoring him" but we literally do it together, it's a form of channeling. i think sometimes i channel him when i draw too but mostly my grandpa. My grandpa had very similar drawing style to me but my dad's was a little different. However when i see my dad's photography it's like yeah, we have the same eyes, physically and spiritually, same vision

Lol ok last thing she said that freaked me out was that i have a son waiting to be born who will be either my grandfather or great-grandfather reincarnate. And no joke i HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS !!!! Like its really the biggest reason i feel strongly compelled to have a child. I always thought it will be my great grandfather who died a few months before i was born. i really feel i have a son and a daughter waiting to come through and i can't deny them. i can't say it's true confirmation since it hasn't happened yet but it was just weird to hear her say that when it's something i've never even spoken of just a total hunch.

And having my children will be a huge milestone in healing this wound of almost 18 years since my dad's been gone. plus the lifelong wound of yearning to "root".

Like if what she says is really true that a new force has been summoned recently to assist me with this, it explains so much of what i've felt lately. i feel it's only come in in the past few weeks, definitely after pochita's surgery, maybe that's where my dad drew the line and said THAT'S IT WE'RE CALLING IN REINFORCEMENTS

She said whoever this father is he has a very sarcastic dry sense of humor about him. Just another lil confirmation idk hehe. The hummingbirds rly told me everything i needed to know though. in that moment i knew it was one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me even before seeing the reading but wow i rly didnt expect this. She said so much in the reading that felt like it was literally specific just for me. There's probably more i'm forgetting

Wow this is became a looooong post :) Don;t mind me. i've just.... i've been doing a lot of secret practice lately, a lot of things i don't talk about on tumblr, or tell anyone at all, because the silence gives it power. But this one i just felt called to document here for some reason. i don't question it. Goodnight fr this time....

PMD(9)

[merrybloomwrites]

You Can Start a Family (Chapter 8)

Summary: Y/N enjoys the first two nights at Wembley before her grief makes a reappearance. Luckily she has people there to help her.

Previous Chapters: One ; Two ; Three ; Four ; Five ; Six ; Seven

CW: Mentions of past family death, panic attacks, nightmares

AN: I've had this chapter planned since the day of Wembley Night 2. I was driving home from work thinking that I wanted another angsty chapter with Mitch and Sarah comforting Y/N, but wasn't sure what the trigger would be. Then I saw a Tik Tok of a moment between Anne and Gemma being adorable at the concert and literally said "Yup, that'll do"

Also I randomly drop Brad in without introducing him so if you don't know about Brad he's Harry's personal trainer who has been at, like, every show for months now and seems to be personal security as well sometimes

Okay, on with the chapter!

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Monday is busy, starting with the early flight to London followed by a full day of prep for a week of shows at Wembley. Everyone’s exhausted by the time they get back to the hotel that night and you, Sarah, and Mitch climb into bed almost immediately. You talk quietly for a little while before falling asleep.

You all sleep in late the next morning, which is wonderful, but means that once you do get up you only have enough time to shower and eat quickly before you have to head over to the stadium.

It’s an incredibly exciting day, and the energy is even crazier than Slane had been. You meet Harry’s mother, Anne, and his sister, Gemma, who are both so lovely and welcoming to you.

Madi is the first opener for the evening, and she does a wonderful job. You hadn’t listened to much of her music before, but you’re mesmerized by her voice.

Once she’s done the band all goes backstage to get ready. You stay outside and watch Wet Leg’s set, and once Harry is on stage Brad comes to find you.

He invites you to hang with him for the night and you accept, walking through different parts of the crowd throughout the show. He’s seen it dozens of times by now and points out some small details you hadn’t noticed before.

It’s another fantastic concert experience and you are buzzing with energy when you meet Mitch and Sarah backstage. They quickly change and you all load up to head back to the hotel.

You’re finally able to engage in some post-show fun with Mitch and Sarah, and you all end the night completely satisfied.

The three of you spend time in the city the next morning, Sarah showing you some of her favorite places before you all grab a bite to eat and once again head to Wembley for Night 2. You explore the empty stadium, running through the seats and checking the view from all over.

Shortly before the gates open you head backstage and hang with the band. You watch Elin and Ariza’s set and can’t help but sing along to your favorite songs and smile at their wonderful stage presence.

You end up staying in an open area near the stage for the rest of the night and are joined by more people by the end of the show. It’s nearly over when you look to your side and see Harry’s whole family next to you. You watch as Anne wraps her arms around her daughter, pulling her in tight and gently running her hands up and down Gemma’s arms.

Tears immediately start to spring to your eyes. Grief is strange, and you thought you had a pretty good handle on it, but some days are worse than others and your emotions can be easily triggered.

Anniversaries are especially hard, and you’ve been so busy that you hadn’t even realized what the date was, but watching the mother daughter duo next to you reminded you that the next day would be the anniversary of the accident that killed your mother and sister.

You keep a hold on your emotions and walk backstage before the show ends. You just need a minute to yourself to breathe. By the time the concert is over and everyone else is flooding backstage, you’ve choked back your tears and put a smile on your face.

As soon as Mitch and Sarah see you, they know something is wrong, but don’t push you at that moment. They can tell that you don’t want to talk about whatever it is and respect that, but they keep a close eye, Sarah sticking next to you.

You end up between Mitch and Sarah in the last row of the van back to the hotel, and you look through social media to distract yourself during the ride. You’re scrolling through Tik Tok and see a video of the moment between Anne and Gemma that originally set you off, and you can’t believe how quickly it was posted and made its way onto your for you page.

You stare at the muted video, not realizing you’re watching it on a loop, as you’re lost in the thoughts of your family. Mitch and Sarah glance at your phone and see the video that’s playing. Even though you’re not in it, they know you were standing in that area and likely watched it happen in real time. They share a look over you and know they’re on the same page, that your mood definitely has something to do with you watching this interaction.

Once back at the hotel, you quickly get changed and burrow into bed. Mitch and Sarah, still in their outfits from the day, sit next to you. They’re quiet for a few minutes, but soon Sarah slowly pulls the covers off your face.

“What’s wrong love?” she asks, hoping you’ll let them in. You just stare at her for a bit before sitting up and taking a deep breath, deciding to tell them everything. You drop your eyes to look at where your fingers are picking at the sheets, and quietly say, “Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my mom and sister died. And then Harry’s whole family was there supporting him and like, I’ll never have that. No matter what I accomplish, I won’t have my parents there. And Anne was so sweet with Gemma, and I remember moments like that with my mom and I’ll never have that with her again and I just, I miss them all so much-” Your words are cut off when the tears you’ve been holding back finally start to fall.

Mitch pulls you onto his lap, tucking you close to him and rocking you back and forth. Sarah’s hands are rubbing your back. They’re both quiet, not sure what to say to help you in that moment.

You start to think back to that day, the phone call from the police telling you what happened, your best friend driving you back home while you call and break the news to your aunts and uncles and family friends. You’re so lost in these memories that you don’t hear the knock on the hotel room door or notice the moment Sarah gets up to see who it is.

Mitch continues to comfort and hold you as Sarah cracks the door open.

“Hey, Harry,” she says quietly through the small opening. “What’s up?”

“Mitch borrowed my phone charger earlier and I can’t find my backup. Any chance you could grab it for me?”

“Yea of course, just give me a second.” Sarah walks back in and grabs Mitch’s bag, digging through and quickly finding the charger.

She walks back and reopens the door, handing it over. She wants to get back to you but takes a moment to politely say good night to Harry. In that time, you notice she’s missing, and start to panic. You’ve been so absorbed thinking about losing the people you care about most, that when you realize Sarah isn’t next to you your brain starts to think the worst.

You begin to say her name so quietly that Mitch can’t make out what you’re saying at first. Your cries of her name get louder, and you break free from Mitch’s hold, looking around the room for her in a blind panic. The layout of the room means that the door isn’t visible from the bed, and when you can’t immediately see her, your heart rate increases, and your panic starts to grow.

Sarah hears your shouts and closes the door in Harry’s face to run back to you. He’s left in the hallway, confused and concerned, but he understands that whatever is going on is a private moment and heads back to his room, hoping that you’re okay.

As soon as you see Sarah you run to her, launching yourself into her arms and wrapping your limbs around her. She stands there holding you, swaying side to side.

“I thought you were gone,” you cry.

“I���m here, baby, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” she says.

“You can’t know that! Bad things happen. All the time. And people die. I can’t- I can’t do that again. You can’t die!” Mitch moves to wrap his arms tight around you and Sarah and they feel their hearts breaking at your pain.

“You’re right,” Mitch says quietly. “We can’t promise that nothing will happen. But we’ll always do everything we can to keep safe, and healthy, and be by your side as long as possible.”

You lift up your head and look at him, eyes swimming with more tears, and you reach out your arms to him. Sarah passes you over to Mitch and you once again wrap your legs and arms around him so he can hold you close. He begins to sway as Sarah had been, hoping the gentle motion would help to soothe you as it would a little one. After a few minutes of this movement mixed with quiet reassurances you finally start to calm down a little. You’re still upset but you’re no longer panicking.

Sarah brings over tissues and wipes away your tears and snot, her gentle touches so full of care and compassion that you almost begin to cry again. When that doesn’t happen you figure you’ve dried yourself out and all that’s left are tiny sniffles.

Mitch continues rocking you, singing softly, and your eyes grow heavy. Eventually you fall asleep, and he transfers you to the bed. He continues to hold you, only letting go once Sarah has finished changing and lays on your other side, immediately pulling you close to her. Mitch rushes through getting ready and quickly lays back down after checking the door is locked and flipping the lights off.

It's unfortunately a restless night, and you find yourself woken by nightmares more than once. The first is one you’ve had numerous times in the past, where you watch the accident that killed your mom and sister. It’s not a real memory, since you obviously weren’t there, but between the medical reports and everything you learned during the trial of the driver that killed them, you had pieced together enough of what happened to build a terrifying mental picture of the event.

You have two more bad dreams that you can’t quite follow. Nothing makes sense but they’re somehow ominous and leave you with a sense of dread.

Shortly before 9 A.M. you have another nightmare, this one as clear as the first. It’s almost exactly the same as the first, but instead of your mother and sister in the car, it’s Mitch and Sarah. You again wake up completely paralyzed, never one to move around or make noise in your sleep, even during terrible dreams. You’ve managed not to wake the other two up so far, and you’re happy that you haven’t disturbed their sleep, but this time you need to.

Even though they’re both next to you in bed and you can see them breathing, you need to make sure they’re okay. You’re trying to hold back another impending panic attack, but you know you won’t be able to unless Mitch and Sarah reassure you that you’re all safe.

You lay a hand on each of their arms, gently shaking them. You try to say their names, but your breaths are already coming in gasps, and you can’t get the words out. It only takes a few seconds for them to wake up and immediately be on alert, trying to figure out what happened.

“Love, what is it, can you talk to me?” Sarah asks. You shake your head no, still not able to speak.

“Okay, that’s okay, let’s just breathe, alright? Here,” she lifts your hand and places it on her chest. “Just follow my breaths, okay?” You try to do so. It takes some time, but finally you calm down. You slump against her, almost more exhausted now than when you went to sleep the night before.

Sarah continues to hold you, singing quietly as she had noticed Mitch’s singing the previous night had helped you. You suddenly say, “It was a nightmare.”

“What was that baby?” she asks, as you had been mumbling into you shoulder.

You lift up your head and meet her eyes and say more clearly, “I had a nightmare. Actually, I had a few last night. I have a recurring one about the accident but this time it was you guys who were killed. It was so vivid; I feel like I lost you both even though you’re right here with me.”

“We are here, love. We’re together, and we’re safe.”

“We’re safe. You’re both safe, and here with me,” you repeat, hoping the message gets through to your brain.

“Exactly. We’re in bed, in a hotel, in London,” Mitch adds, letting you hear his voice and helping to ground you to your current reality, not the reality of your nightmare.

You nod to show you understand, that you know where you are. You're much calmer now and you all lapse into a comfortable silence. After awhile your stomach starts to growl.

“I’m going to run downstairs and grab some breakfast to bring back here, is that ok with everyone?” Mitch asks. You nod, understanding that he’s really asking if you’ll be alright if he leaves the room or if you’ll panic again. You know you’ll be fine now. You’re feeling more centered than you have in the past 12 hours, all due to the ways they’ve found to comfort you and remind you of what’s real and what isn’t.

He leaves and you decide to take a shower. Sarah sits in the bathroom, telling you stories about growing up in England. Even though you feel better now, you’re still grateful for her company. Focusing on her voice means your mind doesn’t have a chance to wander to darker thoughts.

Meanwhile Mitch is in the lobby where he bumps into Harry. After greeting each other Harry can’t hold back any longer and asks, “Is Y/N okay? She seemed really upset last night when I came to grab my charger.”

Mitch takes a deep breath, then takes a sip of his coffee, buying time to decide how much to share. “She’s just been through a lot. She’s lost a lot of people and sometimes the grief hits her.” He figures that’s a safe answer, explaining enough without giving too many personal details.

Harry nods and then says, “I know you and Sarah have to rehearse this afternoon for tomorrow's show, I could keep Y/N company if she wants.”

“I’ll ask her, not sure what she’ll be up for today.”

“Yea, of course, whatever she wants is fine with me.”

“Thanks man. I’ll talk to her and let you know.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll see you later then.” With that Harry puts on his headphones and heads out for a run, and Mitch loads up a tray with food to bring back to his girls.

You’ve finished showering by the time Mitch gets back and the three of you dig into your breakfast.

“So, I saw Harry while I was down there.”

“Oh?” Sarah asks. “What was he up to?”

“Getting ready to go for a run I guess. He was asking about Y/N. I didn’t realize it was him at the door last night.”

“Yea he stopped by for a second-” Sarah cuts herself off. “Oh my gosh, I totally slammed the door in his face. I didn’t even realize I did that, I just needed to get back to Y/N.”

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t think he’s upset about that. He was just concerned about Y/N.”

“What did you tell him?” You ask. You can’t imagine the scene he witnessed last night. You don’t exactly remember everything, but you know you were crying and panicking so it must have been a lot to see.

“I just mentioned that you’d lost people in the past and the grief hit you last night. I hope that’s okay.”

“Yea, that’s fine, I don’t mind him knowing.”

“He also invited you to hang out with him today while Sarah and I are rehearsing. I wasn’t sure what you’d be up for, so I said we’d get back to him. If you want to come with us or stay here that’s fine too.”

“No, I think a distraction is probably best for me today. Hanging out with Harry could be fun.”

“Okay, I’ll let him know.”

The rest of the morning passes with lighter conversation, and by early afternoon you’re all heading out. After making sure you’re set with Harry, Mitch and Sarah head out.

It’s awkward for a moment, as you haven’t spent any one-on-one time with Harry before, and you’re somewhat relieved when Brad walks over and you realize he’ll be joining you two as security.

Harry leads you to some quieter areas of the city, where he somehow goes unnoticed. You’re fascinated by everything he shows you and love getting to learn the history. By mid-afternoon everyone is starting to feel a bit hungry, so you grab a bite to eat and go to a nearby park. You and Harry sit beneath one of the trees while Brad goes to a bench nearby. He’s close enough to keep an eye on everything but far enough to not hear any conversation.

“So uhm, Mitch kind of told me what’s going on, but I just wanted to ask, are you alright? You just- you seemed really upset last night.”

“Yea honestly last night was a bit rough. But I’m okay. I think he kept his explanation pretty vague right?”

“Just that you’d lost some people.”

“That’s kind of an understatement. Two of my grandparents passed away when I was young. Then my dad died when I was in high school, my mom and my sister were killed in an accident when I was in college, and my other grandparents died a bit after that. And today is the anniversary of my mom and sister dying so it kind of set me off.”

You’re both silent for a moment before you say, “Sorry, that was kind of a lot. Sometimes it’s just easier to throw all the information out there at once.”

“No, don’t apologize I’m just. Y/N, I had no idea. I’m so sorry you went through all of that.”

“Things kind of sucked for a while. Years really. But honestly, I’m doing much better now. I have Mitch and Sarah, and I’m close with the family I nanny for. Some days are just harder than others. Sometimes a lot harder.”

“You’ve got me now too, alright? Anything you need, I’m here for you.”

You smile at him, quietly thanking him before you both turn back to your food. It’s a beautiful afternoon and though your day started off pretty awful, the people around you had turned it around completely.

If you had been home, you probably would’ve been wallowing, unable to get out of bed. That’s how these days normally went. But instead, you’re walking through the quiet outskirts of London with Harry Styles, smiling, and sharing happy stories.

After a couple more stops you make your way back to the hotel. Harry walks you to the room and you find that Mitch and Sarah had gotten back shortly before you.

They invite Harry in and the four of you hang out for a while. You order food in and watch a couple of movies. It was easy to tell that everyone was pretty drained and just wanted to relax.

At one point the movie becomes background noise after you convinced everyone to share old tour stories. You’re especially interested in Live on Tour since you hadn’t been able to go to any of those shows.

They get lost in the memories, excitedly talking over each other every time they remember something else that had happened. Everyone has made themselves very comfortable at this point, Mitch and Harry on the couch while you and Sarah are on the bed. As you listen to the stories you subconsciously shift closer to her a little at a time until you’re completely resting against her.

Your previous sleepless night catches up to you, and you find it hard to keep your eyes open. Sarah notices and quietly asks, “Would you like us to wrap up here so you can sleep?”

 “No,” you reply. “I like hearing everyone. It’s comforting. I know I’m not alone.”

“Okay, love.” She holds you close, running her fingers soothingly through your hair, and you fall asleep listening to the gentle conversation around you.

It’s not much later that Harry decides to head back to his room for the night. While he’s getting ready for bed he reflects on the day. He thought that spending more time with you would answer the questions he had about your relationship with Mitch and Sarah, but he’s only more lost. He decides that if there’s something going on then the group will share when they’re ready.

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AN: Thanks you so much for reading! If you have any thoughts (good, bad, you found a typo) let me know!

Taglist: @akkatz @pandeebearstyles @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @theekyliepage @numafarawayglxy @booberry019-blog @hillzrry @ssareidbby @gem1712 @acesofspadess @houseofdilfs @shaquille-0atmeal-1 @kissitnhekitchen

[tokiro07]

Undead Unluck ch.224 thoughts

[FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!]

(Contents: immediate reaction - excitement; narrative analysis - authorial intent; character analysis - Chikara/Luna; speculation - Luna/Ragnarok/UU)

WHAT'D I SAY?! WHAT'D I TELL YOU?!

FOUND OUT THE GOAL, BIG MOMENT FOR CHIKARA!!!

SET UP FOR ALL OF THE FIGHTS almost EXACTLY AS I PREDICTED!!!

Didn't see Yusai vs Justice coming and Julia/Tatiana aren't present for the fights yet, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS LINING UP!!!

If absolutely nothing else, this strongly indicates that we're at least making it to the anniversary, since Tozuka didn't specifically write in an excuse to skip everything like just breaking the Planets or something

In fact, the inclusion of the Planets not only draws things out on the basis that there's more to do, but explicitly removes available shortcuts

Authorial Intent

I said during the previous Ragnarok that the key to success this time around would be the addition of all of the members who were missing previously, such as Rip's ability to deal irreparable damage, and this chapter illustrated my point from back then perfectly

Not only is Latla's Untrust able to divert Sun's instakill attacks with ease, but Gina's Unchange and Void's Unavoidable create a combo that Sun needed to use Change to block

I'm not saying that Sun would have been defeated with that one attack, I'm sure he would have found another way to prevent it or retaliate afterwards, but the fact that he used Change at all is a tacit acknowledgment of the threat

Had Tozuka gone through with the final round of Quests, Change wouldn't be present here and Sun wouldn't have a way to neutralize Unchange, and consequently Sun would have taken serious damage. Instead, though, Sun now has a way to alter the properties of oncoming threats, retaliate with heavy weaponry, and presumably tap into the powers of all of the Master Rules in some way to counter anything the Union throws at him

In short, Sun is far stronger now than he was before. If the Union of today fought in L100's Ragnarok, it would be a short and anti-climactic battle, and that disparity was possible because Juiz took out all of the Master Rules previously. What many of us perceived as skipped content was, in actuality, a planned twist in the formula to raise the stakes and create a much more compelling conflict

Naturally, raising the stakes in turn also increases how impressive our cast can be as well

The GOAT

I tell ya, folks, when I saw Chikara stroll up with his hair pulled back into a ponytail, I nearly lost my damn mind. I've been saying for years that I wished he'd do that instead of the onion-cut, and boy do I feel stupid for not realizing Tozuka was saving it for a special occasion

Look at my boy. He's beautiful

And more importantly, like I said a few weeks ago, he's also the toughest son of a bitch on the team! He asked Billy to teach him superhearing, and our boy mastered it in a third of a year! Not only that, but he's standing up to God again, steady as a goddamn rock, no fear of what the literal sun is going to fire at him this time around

Sure, he doesn't remember getting his arm ripped clean off his shoulder, but that doesn't mean he's ignorant of what he's up against. Fuuko made it clear that every attack from Sun is a oneshot, but Chikara's ready, and not just because he's got fancy airpods in

No, the major difference between this time and their previous encounter isn't just that Chikara's expanded his interpretation of Unmove, but because this time he isn't alone

Andy and Juiz were getting ready to face off against Sun when Chikara waltzed up and said "I'll keep him from moving," and the other two (reasonably) figured they could focus on attack, turning their backs to Chikara. This left a perfect opening for Sun to fire off an attack from behind, a tactic that Creed had previously demonstrated to be available against Unmove, so they probably should have seen it coming

This time though, they were prepared. Chikara not only has Rip and Sean backing him up upon his arrival, but Andy and Fuuko themselves were ready to leap into action at a moment's notice to protect him from Luck and Death

In a manga all about teamwork and coordination, I don't think there's a single character who encapsulates the spirit of Friendship better than Chikara. Though he's never able to deal a finishing blow himself, he arguably carries the most important supporting role in the Union in basically every fight he's in. In turn, he's only able to provide that support thanks to the support he receives from everyone else, through training, equipment, protection, and faith. What he does for them, they do for him

Like I said, though, that's pretty much true for every member of the team, hence why everyone needed to be united in this Loop to have a chance at winning, Chikara is just a very good focal point for illustrating the concept because of how his ability works. No one member can shoulder everything alone, nor will anyone expect each other to. Everyone has a part to play, and everyone will do everything they can to see to it that they do. It's that interconnectedness that allows the Union to be as successful as they are

And that's the one thing that Luna just can't understand

Missing the Forest

Luna quite literally spends all of her time secluded from the world and the lives she helped create. She sits at her own Roundtable, clearly able to fit many people, with but a single chair and a cup of tea, only really interacting with anyone when they come to her

She's seen the power of humanity's bonds countless times, but she has no real concept of friendship or camaraderie because she's never personally experienced anything like it. Much like how it took Victor nearly 500 billion years to understand how much he loved Juiz because he didn't allow himself to feel attached to any of the lives he was constantly seeing end, Luna has never formed any attachment to the pawns on her side of the board, and thus can't conceptualize that they themselves have attachments to each other

This is what Fuuko means when she tells Luna that "[she doesn't] know a thing about us Negators];" in both instances, Luna takes what she sees at face value - Juiz died using Rebellion, and the man-made "Aegis" is really just a very big Unbreakable shield - and assumes that there's nothing more to it. Juiz's death supposedly took the strongest source of hatred out of the loop, and an Unbreakable shield can simply be pushed into the Earth like when Andy fought Sick

What she didn't know, though, was that Juiz's death stirred a change in Victor, and that the shield was just the setup for Chikara to stop Sun's attack without getting in harm's way. Luna couldn't foresee the ripple effects that any individual's actions or contributions would have for the rest of the team because she can only look at each of them as a single independent player rather than a cohesive whole

But strangely, I think she does know that she doesn't know how relationships work

The Missing Piece

Last week, when Luna started Ragnarok, she said something both cryptic and telling

I want you to show me the true value of the Rules, unknown to me

The Rules themselves are already a complex, interconnected system, wherein a change in any given Rule requires massive shifts from everything else to compensate, such as the loss of UMA Insect completely changing a forest landscape into a swamp to account for the ecological loss of important food sources, decomposers, pollinators, etc. The introduction of Negators, exceptions to the Rules, adds yet another layer of complexity to that web, as not only do those Negations interact with each Rule in a unique way, but each other as well

Luna obviously understands that basic idea, that the Negators are capable of working together, but she doesn't understand why, and that's what this is all about. I think she's trying to work out the exact mechanism of human interaction and relationship maintenance specifically because it's the one thing she knows she lacks

Her part of the wager with Sun was that humanity could reach the Gods, and I think what that means to her may be for humans to elevate themselves as a whole to literal divinity so that her empty little Roundtable won't be so empty anymore

This is likely why the three core Rules of the game are Soul, Death and Change; if humanity can change properly after death, then their souls can persist to achieve true immortality and godhood

And that's why Luna is willing to put Sun in the lead, to give him a power-up while the Union is unprepared. It's a gambit to force humanity into a position where they need to change and grow, whether it's to prevent their deaths or to survive their deaths. Either way, it was never really a wager with Sun; he was only ever a tool to create that circumstance

Rigged From the Start

Currently, Sun is trying to destroy the Earth's core (which may imply that the Earth itself is a UMA or a God, I think that'd be a fun little twist right at the end), presumably with the intention of creating one final Earth in the image that he wants, but given Luna's behavior, it seems likely that she always intended for this outcome to happen

Like I said last week, chances are very good that the Union will lose here so that we the audience can see what one or both of the ideal worlds of the Gods look like. This will allow for one final push from the Union to wrest that world from the Gods and create their own, showing how much better off humanity is in their own hands

Seeing Sun blasting through the surface of the Earth for hundreds of miles suggests that we'll first get to see him win, and all of the Negators will die in the process (likely excluding Andy, though it'd be wild if he somehow died too). However, because souls have already proven capable of exerting their will even without Rules like Ghost around, the Union and possibly all of humanity will come together to oust Sun's ideal world and take back control

The question is whether the world that results from this will be Luna's ideal or if they'll have to overcome and negate hers as well. Either way, I'm putting all of my bets on humanity doing what they do best and negating the rule that were only meant to be 101 rounds

Honestly, that would even make a perfect metaphor for the current real-life situation the story is in. So many of us thought the game was done last week, only for there to be a loophole and a second wind

After the End

Like I said last week, Tozuka's usual method of "one story beat per chapter" perfectly sets up the possibility that we're going to make it right up until the fifth anniversary, and this week's chapter fit perfectly with my prediction. However, it's entirely possible that that's exactly what he wants us to think

Even if every Master Rule fight goes exactly how I predicted, that doesn't mean that the final fights with Sun or Luna will, and the "climax" of the series that would be set on the anniversary might be the moment where Sun seems to win, only for it to turn out that there's still a few chapters left

It's common for Jump manga to get one or more special chapters in Jump GIGA or other magazines after their conclusions, either to wrap up the story or to give a little bonus, so I think it might be interesting if UU did a bait and switch by saving its real conclusion for that, though that would definitely kill the pacing

It might also be fun if it pulled a Bleach and ran normally but started numbering those chapters differently to highlight how things have changed, but again I'm not sure if Tozuka wants to be that extra with it

Assuming he wants to do things normally and has the blessing to go on a little longer, Tozuka is definitely capable of making UU last until at least May by breaking up each fight and event for three chapters each. In other words, whether Jump is rushing him out the door or letting him take his time, Tozuka is primed to end UU at a time when new blood is set to come in, so there doesn't seem to be any threat that it'll end abruptly between rounds

Considering that UU is getting a presentation at Jump Festa to discuss the Winter OVA and the dramatic boost in pre-order sales that the latest volume got thanks to this little scare, I doubt that Jump has given up on it just yet, and is likely to let Tozuka do what needs to be done to reach a satisfying conclusion

The main question is whether or not they'll continue to fund the anime, and I think the critical response to these coming months will be the deciding factor

It's easy for fans to come to the defense of a series they think is in trouble, but if they think it's just doing fine, then the suits may have something different to say on it. When future volumes, Blu-Rays, or whatever merch comes out, we can't just sit on our laurels and say we saved UU one time; we have to keep up the fight until the bell rings. If we're really lucky, the UU anime will keep going even after the manga ends and we'll get a complete adaptation like Demon Slayer, Hero Academy and likely Jujutsu Kaisen

Keep reading, keep watching, keep buying; whatever you can do to show Jump you love Undead Unluck, do it. I know I will

Until next time, let's enjoy life!

[threshasketch]

Bye Bye Photoshop

So, yeah, Adobe is pushing the generative AI stuff more and more (and their "ethically sourced" AI engine Firefly uses around 1.25 million Midjourney images in its dataset, e.g. made with scraped stolen art, and opted all of the stock it offers in for training without asking the creators.)

Seeing Kyle T. Webster, the guy who made the 1000 free amazing brushes that PS Creative Cloud users get, quitting PS and being outspoken about his stance against gen AI around social media was an eye opener. (He offers some brushes on Gumroad apart from Adobe as well, thank goodness!)

When I first got Photoshop and switched from Krita to it, I found the brushes incredibly bad and unusable until I got the Kyle's brushes sets. You might say PS only worked for me so long because of Kyle's brushes, and that's not an exaggeration!

Anyway, my annual Photoshop Creative Cloud subscription was about to renew next month on July 6th, my birthday, as it has since 2017. I was already considering switching to something else when I saw it: Clip Studio, on sale for 60% off! I had literally downloaded the demo the week before to try it out and consider whether to invest $54 in a copy to switch from PS.

The perpetual license was under $25 USD now, but the subscription for an entire year was $10.79—cheaper than one month of my Photoshop subscription—and I'm already used to a subscription with constant updates. So I ended up getting the CS subscription and quit PS cold turkey.

So now I'm saving $109/year on art software, not giving money to people contributing to the biggest art theft in human history (literal billions of images scraped), and as a bonus, CS has a great community with tons of free brushes and textures and such up for grabs all the time!

I'm happy to say that all of the PS brushes I've purchased from Gumroad loaded right into CS and work perfectly. All of my Creative Fabrica fonts load in and work perfectly.

To be sure I could use CS before I committed to the switch-over, I whipped up a book cover (cannot tell it's made with anything different than my previous ones), and I illustrated and colored a piece of character art (looks super clean!) I opened PS and copied down my favorite fonts short list (minus the Adobe fonts, of course, which came with my subscription.)

And then I uninstalled Photoshop and Creative Cloud entirely, including their fonts. And it felt good! I sincerely thought switching to CS would be going to slightly worse software to be ethically okay using it, but after getting used to CS and customizing it with some very shiny brush sets (oil paints, watercolors, ink pens, gorgeous pencil, all free), I think it's just as good.

And CS won't shove "generative fill" AI tool garbage at me, or load my account with "generative credits" without ever asking.

It felt so gross logging into Adobe after ages to cancel my subscription and seeing those credits on my account, knowing they offered the option to buy more of them, taking money for things generated by using (among many other things) every art piece I've ever posted in the past 21 years for their scraped dataset training. Good riddance, Adobe!

Anyway, yeah. I'm using Clip Studio Paint now, and I'm excited to get to play with my new brush sets! ♥♥♥

[ectogeo-rebubbles]

What do you think about the song After Last Night (by crj) for siskarak?

(bc I saw the line "things are different in the pale moonlight", plus the music kind of has a space vibe, so I latched on to this song. And since then whenever I listen to the song my mind is busy with stretching the meaning of the rest of the lyrics to justify myself assigning siskarak to the song 😅

Hiiii, thanks for this amazing ask!

I think the intended meaning and tone of this song is a little too bubbly and romantic to apply to them haha, HOWEVER.... that is NOT going to even slightly stop me from trying to figure out how to twist the lyrics until they are actually about middle-aged men doing their war crimes together!!! I see your vision, anon! ^_^ <3

"Gravity is not enough to keep me on your street Walking twenty feet above the ground I need you to hold my hand" = not sure for the first two lines, maybe it's about Sisko knowing in retrospect that his head was in the clouds for thinking that Garak wouldn't betray and undermine him. I need you to hold my hand is about their handshake in ITPM

"Every kiss we start feels somehow incomplete Secrets in the corner of your mouth Things I wanna understand" = Sisko has a creeping sense that Garak is hiding things from him during ITPM but can't quite figure out what

"Then you said, hey, before we make a big mistake Is there some place where we can go right now? I don't think that it can wait" = I'm getting vibes of like Sisko getting cold feet or feeling guilty enough to want to confess to someone, and Garak calmly pulling Sisko aside to talk him into or out of doing something. Like, perhaps, that scene where Garak tells Sisko his contacts have all been killed and Sisko almost calls the whole thing off? I don't think that it can wait could just be about the urgency of bringing the Romulans into the war to help even the odds.

"After last night, things look different In the pale moonlight In the moment, I was hypnotized You can go ahead and open your eyes Yeah, I see you And I think it's gonna change my life" = after he learned about Vreenak's ship, the illusion that Garak was ever going to stick to the plan (and not go rogue and do some murders) has been shattered, and Sisko sees Garak for who he is, no longer seduced by him.

"Not afraid of getting close this time You can go ahead and open your eyes" = a clear-eyed post-monologue Sisko accepting what he can live with. or maybe there's a pov switch at this point and it's just a clip of garak getting physically close to him and also wishing that Sisko would open his eyes and stop deluding himself

"The consequences of dancing with his insecurities Tell me what you want and I'll reply I can tell the truth, don't bite" = I suggested making the POV switch in previous section bc these lines are MUCH more Garak about Sisko than Sisko about Garak. Garak is very much dancing with (and around) Sisko's insecurities (moral qualms) in ITPM. and then the last bit is Garak stressing that he's telling the truth, when he obvs isn't hehe. (but he IS indirectly truthful in a way, by warning Sisko that it will be a messy bloody business)

"After we spent the night The moon was shining extra bright We kinda opened up inside After we spent the night We crossed into the other side And manifested something bright" = Sisko and Garak metaphorically getting into bed together and learning more about each other during their little plots and schemes in ITPM. "Mr. Garak after having spent a week with you" etc. etc. Also I believe in my heart that they LITERALLY got into bed together at some point too, and no one can ever change my mind about that hehe. <3 Oh, and the something bright is OBVS the explosion of Vreenak's ship. ^_^

"It's always in you, really, always And it's no surprise I was never so hypnotized You can go ahead and open your eyes" = I like the "it's no surprise / I was never so hypnotized" juxtaposition for ITPM!Sisko a lot, bc he shouldn't be surprised that Garak (the solving his problems with murder guy) escalated to murder, yet he's still framing it as being hypnotized (and still not quite acknowledging that his initial plan was ALREADY VERY MORALLY FUCKED - like, lying to a guy and planting evidence is less bad than murder but the GOAL of those actions was always to get the Romulans into the war under false pretenses... and that would mean a lot more dead Romulans as a direct result, even if the cause of death is more indirect than Sisko and Garak personally murdering them).

This was so fun to think about!!! I absolutely love torturing song lyrics into tonally dissonant interpretations to make them be about my blorbos. ^_^

[starlightwoofwoof]

💜💙✨ A Bunch of Buddy Headcanons ✨💙💜

hey welcome back to My Jellyjam Madness

today I decided to make a headcanon list for (Counselor) Buddy because I love him with all my heart (AAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHH) :D

I’m just gonna leave a bunch of them here, in different categories (and also a few drawings for, uh, “demonstration”)

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alright, let’s get the lore/angsty headcanons out of the way first (okay maybe now that I think about it, some of these are lore about the book itself but whatever-)

Buddy’s father owns the camp, and Buddy attended the camp for many years, and also worked as a normal counselor for a few. After Buddy turned 18 that year, Buddy’s dad finally promoted Buddy to head counselor. He decided to leave the camp to Buddy for that summer to go on vacation, letting him do whatever he wanted with it, even including changing any of the branding if he wanted. Buddy’s dad trusted him with the camp since Buddy practically spent most of his life there. (spoiler alert : literally the worst thing that could’ve happened, happened)

The igloo-like building in the woods was used more often previous years. It was more used as a building for actual counselor meetings and the occasional theater play. The cave inside the closet was used as a kind of ‘hang out’ spot to roast marshmallows and stuff. This is the place where it all began. Before the camp was about to open back up, Buddy went down to the cave area. He did notice the gut wrenching, horrible smell, but he simply ignored it and his curiosity got the better of him. That’s when he found a … certain purple, gelatinous creature. King JJ didn’t have to do much to convince Buddy to do his dirty work, he just had to simply threaten him with violence towards him and even the kids, and Buddy simply gave into King JJ’s hypnotism out of fear.

The whole incident lasted almost the whole summer before Wendy (and Elliot ig) came to save everyone. Buddy couldn’t control what he was doing. He couldn’t feel anything and he could barely think at all. He was still conscious during it all, and so were the other counselors. All of this for at least more than a month. Buddy can sort of remember things that have happened, but his memories from when he was controlled were very fuzzy, almost like a dream he couldn’t really remember.

Luckily, the other counselors seemed kind of okay after the incident, most of them were just afraid and confused. But Buddy was … pretty f’ed up for a while, of course, since he was the head counselor, and the first target in all of this. He only repeated ‘only the best’ for a few days, and even after he started speaking normally, he wanted to be left to be by himself. During the two weeks between the incident and the end of the story, Buddy was taken in for a lot of questioning by the police. He wasn’t arrested or anything, but he had to answer a lot of this. Since he was speaking incoherently, it was pretty hard at first, but it became easier over time. Buddy also took the time to just think this all over.

Despite not remembering too much about the whole incident, Buddy still felt terrible for what he was told he did. Some of the other counselors tried telling him it wasn’t his fault, but the guilt just wouldn’t leave him. He felt like some kind of monster for having all the kids and other counselors suffer like that.

Luckily, though, Buddy finally had an idea to help ease his guilt. He was going to go to each and every one of the kids’ houses to apologize to them directly. Well, maybe he couldn’t do everyone, but he was determined to go and apologize to as many as the kids as possible, including Wendy and Elliot.

This all did help a lot, but Buddy still felt a little bad, and doesn’t like the whole incident being brought up to him. He also still feels queasy near things like grape gelatin and absolutely horrified when earthquakes occur. He even sometimes has strange hallucinations and nightmares.

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OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT here’s some more wholesome headcanons to calm all the angst

Luckily for Buddy, after the incident, he made friends with a lot of the counselors since then, especially with Holly

Holly and some of the other counselors were very patient with Buddy throughout his whole ‘guilt era’, and Holly was even the one that made Buddy get the idea to go to the kids’ houses and apologize in the first place

Outside of his hypnosis, and even sometimes IN his hypnosis state, Buddy really does care a lot about the children and their wellbeing.

Buddy LOVES physical affection and hugs and stuff

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okay I don’t really have anymore ideas for wholesome headcanons, so let’s move on to the more random headcanons

Buddy’s hair is actually completely dyed (not so sure about this one cause idk how popular dying your hair was in the mid-90s, especially for dudes, but yeah) but his eyes are naturally that blue

Buddy nibbles his nails or bites his lip when he’s thinking too hard

Buddy is definitely not the guy to swear, but he’ll say others words as replacements- (fiddlesticks, fudge, etc.)

Despite being a huge sports dude (obviously), Buddy isn’t really that muscular

Speaking of sports, Buddy likes a lot of them, but his personal favorites are baseball and surfing

Since he loves surfing, Buddy loves going to the beach

Buddy’s favorite food/fruit is apples

Buddy wears hats a lot

Buddy drew all the cartoon King JJ pictures himself (not sure if he’s naturally good at drawing, or if he was good because he was controlled-)

okay this is more of a fun fact than a headcanon, but my interpretation/how I draw Buddy is mostly inspired by his look on the original cover (well, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be Buddy, but I think it is-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I think that’s it! (or at least what I could think of for now)

Thank you for reading my ramblings about some obscure, silly counselor man :] 💙💚✨

okie byeeeeeeeeee

[heybaetae]

i have no one to talk about it and you're always so open, so i'm just really getting this out of my chest, you don't need to answer if you don't want to

I'm so sad, i've been crying a lot every day since the announcement came. this was so unexpected (at least for me) and there was no time to emotionally prepare too... there were articles coming out before saying that all of them would have enlisted by december, but it was never confirmed by the members themselves, so i still had my doubts. then, out of nowhere, "hello, 4 members are enlisting at once"

they are working so much and you couldn't tell if this or that was gonna be released in 2024 or still this year. and then i thought "well, i have to prepare myself for the end of december", since there are usually between 40 or 50 days with them after the notice by bighit. if what kmedia said is true, they are leaving in less than two weeks

i feel broken and so empty, i'm so scared of my future, next year i'll go through so many changes and i never take changes easily, i always suffer so much untill i get used to something, and now... not having the only constant i've been used to have in my life..there is no time to process. it was different with jin because he was here for more than a month before he left, it was also obvious that yoongi was leaving after his tour and hobi... :/ i'm devasted

i'm gonna cry so much with this upcoming documentary, i thought that the ptd DVD would cheer me up, but i've just been feeling more weird and sad :( i laugh in the funny scenes, but there's this sadness behind it. and my bias is jungkook... his lives :( i've been asking myself if he would do a "goodbye live".. if he decides to do it, i really really really don't wanna lose it :( i already miss him so much and he's not even gone yet

i’m sorry hun. i think everyone is in the same boat emotionally about the shorter notice compared to the previous enlistments. i’m not really gonna acknowledge what is being spread around by the media rn because the same thing happened with jin and he wasn’t thrilled about that information being made public, but i’ll say it’s okay and valid to feel everything you’re feeling and to have hoped we’d have a little more time than what the reality seems to be.

i really hope next year goes smoothly for you and that you adjust as comfortably as you can to whatever your new normal is going to be in your personal life and your life alongside bts during their absence.

luckily, it‘s quite clear that they’ve each prepared things for us to release after they’re gone and while i value their safety and well-being so much more than having any content during this, it’s extremely generous of them. not only for three of those members to have seemingly held off on their enlistments until the youngest released his album and was done promoting it so they could all go at once, but for them all to have used that time to work on things to keep us entertained once they did. i don’t think it’ll feel like your constant will be completely gone, they’ve made sure of it. we’re so lucky they care about us enough to plan ahead, create new stuff to enjoy in the meantime, and to time it perfectly so they’re back on the literal day before their anniversary in 2025. you really don’t get sappier than that lol.

also on the topic of whatever content that comes out in the coming months/year (i’m sure they’ll spread it out), if you think it’ll make you too sad to watch, it’s not going anywhere and it’ll be ready for you whenever you need it. weverse posts and occasional instagram posts will be a thing. it will absolutely suck losing jungkook’s lives, but i know he’ll make the most of his social media time in other ways at every opportunity he gets and those moments of communication will feel all the more special.

feel all your feelings, let them out however you need. but remember that you’re not alone in your emotions too and you can reach out to any of us here at any time. if you need to log off on the actual day, definitely to. focus on you, do something fun, find something that’ll take your mind off of it. all of this is temporary and it’ll go by fast. we just have to take it day by day. 💜

[downwiththeficness]

Shadow and Veil-Chapter Twelve

Summary: Eva Moore’s life was a carefully constructed fiction.  Every day, she did exactly what her mother in law, her husband, and his  best friend expected of her. No mistakes. And, that was going pretty  well for Eva right up until a huge complication literally tried to run  her over. Now, she’s faced with trying to keep the pieces of her life  from falling apart while attempting (and failing) to keep her feelings  for her husband’s new business partner at bay.

A/N: This fic is a sister-fic to A Need So Great and A Need Unleashed.  You do not need to have read ANSG or ANU to read this fic, but there  are Easter eggs from those fics in Shadow and Veil for readers with keen  eyes.  This fic is explicit for canon-compliant blood, gore, violence,  and sex. As such, it is intended for an adult audience, only. A/B/O  dynamics come with their own warning. Anyone under the age of 18 should  not interact with this work. I do not consent to reposting this work to  other platforms. Reblog only to Tumblr.  

Word Count:~3700

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Eva stood in front of the mirror, frowning at her reflection. She turned side to side as she studied her outfit and debated shoe options. The soft silk blouse and black slacks were probably more appropriate for a business meeting than what she had planned for that morning. Eva supposed that this could be considered a business meeting—if an ambush could be considered a business meeting.

She should wear flat shoes.

Just in case.

But, the hem of the pants was made for heels and would bunch around her ankles as she walked.

Scoffing, Eva tugged off both the blouse and the pants, throwing them in the direction of her bed. From her closet, she pulled her one and only pair of jeans, a v-neck sweater in deep red, and a pair of flat soled shoes that would stand up to a brisk sprint, if needed.

Dressed, keys in hand, Eva pushed her license and some cash into her pocket and headed out. It was early, but the schedule told her that Josh was already at the office. Eva was glad for it. She avoided him as much as possible since Alexei told her he’d started a new game to torture Eva into submission. Her feelings felt too raw, too sharp, for her to keep enough control to remain safe from his anger. She would get there, but it would take time. And, time felt like something Eva didn’t have in abundance.

The drive downtown was like second nature to her now, having done it over and over the last few weeks. But, as she got closer to her destination, a little pebble of unease grew steadily larger. A mistake, here, could cost her everything. It took days to figure out how she was going to do this and almost a week to pull the trigger. She only hoped that she’d come to the right conclusion.

Parking in a public lot two blocks from where she intended to go, Eva locked the car and made her way to the entrance. She climbed the steps and opened the door without hesitation. The lobby smelled faintly of smoke and disinfectant, no different than the last time she’d been inside. The familiarity was a small comfort.

Bypassing the stairway, she got in the elevator and hit the button. The doors closed. The doors opened. Eva stepped out into the hallway and walked up to the only door in the hall where she lifted her hand. It hovered above the wood for a few seconds before she made herself rap against it several times. Then, she took a deliberate step back and waited.

There was movement on the other side of the door and Eva briefly considered scampering away into the nearby stairwell. Only the understanding that she had very few choices left kept her standing there. Heart in her throat, she listened to the deadbolt turn.

The door opened and brown eyes widened as they recognized her, “Mrs. Moore?”

Good. She’d surprised him.

Eva planned this visit to occur before his morning run and it looked like she’d timed it well. He was dressed in a t shirt and shorts. His feet were bare, his hair curling softly over his brow. He looked every bit as gorgeous as he did in a suit—maybe more because he was so relaxed.

For half a breath, Eva felt herself falter. She felt all her anger and frustration wash away. Standing in that hallway was just a woman who was desperate for answers. Only years of holding herself apart from her emotions allowed Eva to cling to her purpose.

“Are you going to let me in or am I going to stand here all morning?”

He almost laughed, gesturing for her to come forward, “What are you doing here?”

Eva walked inside, her eyes looking around. The apartment was bright with the morning sun that shone through tall windows. The furniture was new, modern. There was no art or decorations on the walls. She could smell coffee brewing and, beneath that, the pervasive aroma of his scent. It was the only thing that seemed to evoke his ownership of the place.

Turning to face him, Eva fixed her face into a hard stare, “What is your real name?”

If she was going to interact with him from now on, Eva was determined to know just who she was dealing with. Calling him Diego, or Mr. Jimenez, no longer suited him.

To his credit, he only paused half a second before replying, “You know my name.”

She tossed her head, “Yes, I do. Sort of. Carrillo, right? Or, do you prefer Captain?”

That got him. His body went very still and his eyes narrowed. Eva widened her stance, in case he lunged at her. Everything she knew about him was suspect, including any propensity for violence. Eva was banking on the fact that he needed her whole and hale to get what he wanted out of her husband.

He laughed.

Head thrown back.

Teeth flashing.

Eva was struck by the reaction, by the way the corners of his eyes crinkled, by the way her heart gave a little giddy-up at the sound. It set her off guard and she had to scramble to reset.

“I knew you were smart,” he said as he walked towards the kitchen, separated from the living room by an island. “Coffee?”

“What?”

He glanced at her from over his shoulder, “Do you want coffee?”

Eva hesitated, confused by the way he was taking it in stride, “Yes, I would.”

Slowly, she approached the island, pulling out one of the bar stools as he prepared a cup for the both of them. She watched his hands closely, in case he wanted to dose her with something. To her relief, he simply took the pot from the coffee maker and poured a serving into identical black mugs.

“Cream? Sugar?”

“Both.”

He grabbed a sugar shaker from beside the stove and opened the fridge to pluck out the creamer. Then, he set them on the island with her mug. Eva moved slowly, pouring first the cream, then the sugar. When it looked about how she liked it, Eva took a sip and held the mug close to her chest.

It was good coffee.

Damn it.

“I’d offer you a spoon, but I’m afraid you’d attack me with it.”

She rolled her eyes, “I could just as easy throw this coffee in your face and go for the knife block less than three feet away.”

His eyes flicked to the side and one side of his mouth kicked up, “Point.” Leaning his forearms on the island between them, he fiddled with the handle of his mug, “How much do you know?”

“Enough,” she paused, thought about it, “Enough to know that you’re in over your head.”

This time he rolled his eyes, “I doubt that.”

Eva sighed, “You’ll arrest him. He’ll buy his way out of jail or bury you in so much legal bullshit that it will be years before you get a conviction—if he doesn’t pay off the judge and jury.”

A brow lifted, “You think we haven’t faced that before.”

She nodded, “That’s only what will happen publicly. Alexei is his best friend. He won’t let this go.”

“Ah,” he breathed, “The famous Zero.”

Eva had never heard Alexei named as such, but wasn’t about to correct him, “People will die.”

His gaze grew fierce, “People are dying. The drugs are making them into addicts and then killing them.”

Her voice was soft, “I know.”

He straightened, hands flexing on the counter top. Her mind flashed to the way he’d touched her at the factory. A single caress down her arm behind the backs of the very people he was trying to arrest.

Eva shifted on the stool. This wasn’t going exactly as she’d planned. She wasn’t supposed to be wrestling with her attraction to him. She was supposed to be cornering him into backing off.

“Horacio.”

She blinked at him.

“My name,” he clarified. “Its Horacio.”

Eva set down the mug and reached out a hand to him, “Its nice to meet you, Horacio.”

His fingers slipped over hers, giving her hand a shake. Their skin sparked with electricity, the current running hotly up her arm. A little voice in her mind whispered ‘alpha’ plaintively. In all her anger and determination, she’d forgotten about the other elephant in the room.

Pulling back, Eva took a fortifying drink of caffeine. He stared at her, eyes alight with amusement. She couldn’t return that look.

“Why are you here?”

“Call off whatever plan you have,” she replied, “This isn’t how you go about getting your target.”

His arms crossed, chest puffing up with indignation, “And, how do you know that?”

“Because I am in it!” she hissed, anger seeping into every word, “I am living it.”

Horacio rested his weight on his palms, chin dropping so that he was level with her, “Oh, please. You think you know more than me? More than your government?”

He was not going to take that tone with her.

“I know who you are dealing with,” she shot back, “This isn’t a country doctor dealing on the side.”

“I know that.”

“Then, act like it!”

God, but he was frustrating. She was in the absolute last place she should be in, trying to help his stubborn ass, and he was treating her like she was some air-headed omega stepping a toe out of line.

“What do you want me to do, Eva?” he asked. “This investigation took over a year to put in place. We are so close to getting what we need.”

“I know,” she said in dismay, “He’ll kill you for it.”

Her mind flashed back to the way Alexei—Zero, apparently—hammered nails into the meat of Dr. Martin’s thighs. She could hear his laugh echoing around the walls of her brain. It would be much the same for Horacio.

“I can handle it.”

Jaw working, Eva was silent. He’d made his decision. She came here for nothing. A whole morning, wasted.

“I don’t suppose I could convince you to work with us.”

Eva laughed humorlessly, “He’d flay me alive for that. Probably literally.”

A soft, angry growl rumbled in his chest. His scent, permeating the air around them, turned sharp and sour. Eva felt her shoulders lean forward, swaying towards him with the need to soothe.

“I’m sorry,” she said, reflexively.

Horacio’s brows dropped, “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I...offended you?”

“I’m not offended,” he replied, then corrected himself, “Alright, I’m a little offended, but not by you. I’m offended that you feel threatened.”

Eva shrugged, “Isn’t everyone, from time to time? Threatened, I mean.”

“Not like that.”

She backpedaled, “It probably wouldn’t be an actual flaying. Too messy. Would take too long. It would probably be…”

Hammer. Nails. Basement. Plastic.

When she shook those thoughts away, Eva realized that Horacio was staring at her with a guarded expression. She sipped her coffee and tried to think of something else to say.

“I won’t stop you, then,” Eva managed as she set the mug down, “But, I’m not going to help you.”

He tilted his head to the side, “You’re just going to let this keep going?”

“Yeah?” Her voice lifted at the end, a question more than a statement.

Horacio’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, “You’re going to let me throw your husband in jail?”

She shrugged, “Me, too, I guess.”

A hard shake of his head, “I’m not putting you in jail, Eva.”

Casting him an annoyed look, Eva countered with, “You’re not in control of that.”

If she understood what kind of case he was running, there were any number of people with varying agendas involved. Eva was the person who ran the books, she hid the money, laundered it, bribed the politicians and the clerks. Josh might be making and distributing designer drugs, but Eva was making sure he had the funds to do it.

Horacio swiped his hand through the air, “I’m not putting you in jail. As far as I’m concerned, you’re on our team.”

Panic swept through her, “No. Nope. Nuh uh. I’m not on your team.”

There could be no hint that Eva was even aware an investigation even existed, let alone one of the agents thinking she was playing ball with them.

He smiled, “You’re here, warning me about how dangerous the situation is. That’s definitely not playing for your husband’s team.”

“There are no teams,” she bit out, “there’s just survival. All I want to do is come out on the other side of this alive.”

That was almost the truth. Eva did want to come out of this alive. But, there were other things she wanted, as well. Things that she could barely acknowledge, let alone say aloud.

Horacio’s gaze focused on her, “I can make that happen.”

Eva’s breath left her in a resigned huff, “You’re overestimating your abilities.”

Pulling back, he turned his hands palm up in an entreating gesture, “Give me some credit. I’ve been doing this a long time.”

“Is that why they made you come here?” she asked, “Because you have experience.”

His shoulders lifted and dropped, “Partially.”

“Partially?”

Turning, Horacio took up his mug and poured fresh coffee into it, “We have a similar situation back home. I’m learning from your people and then they will come to learn from us. Coffee?”

Eva shook her head, “No, thank you. So, its like an exchange program.”

“Yes.”

She took a moment to think about it, then asked, “So...when you’re done, here, you’ll go back to Mexico?”

Horacio smiled, amused, “I’m not actually from Mexico. That’s just the cover story that we made up.”

“Oh?”

More things Eva thought she knew about him that were completely wrong.

“I’m from Colombia.”

She dropped out of school in ninth grade, a few weeks before getting married. Her grades were much to speak of, anyways. Eva was always too distracted by an errant day dream or the drone of the florescent lights to pay attention.

Noticing her thoughtful expression, Horacio added, “South America.”

“Oh.” Then, “You’re going back, then. After.”

His mouth quirked, “According to you, I’ll be dead long before then.”

Eva let out an angry breath, “Be serious.”

“I am,” he retorted in a way that was definitely not serious.

“No, you’re not,” her anger rose with every word, “You might get the charges to stick, you might get jail time, but one day you’re going to wake up and Alexei is going to be standing over you with a knife, or saw, or a hammer.”

Horacio lifted a brow, “The guy has a thing for tools, doesn’t he?”

“Alright,” she said, throwing up her hands, “I’m done.”

As she slid from the stool, Horacio jerked into action, coming around the island with long steps, “Hey. Hey. I’m sorry.”

Eva spun on him, “No, you’re not. Not yet. Do you even have any idea what he’s capable of?”

He sighed, “I’ve got a couple eye witness accounts to Zero’s work, yes.”

She cut a hand through the air between them, “No, not him. Josh. My husband. The target of your investigation. Do you have any idea what kind of man you are dealing with?”

Horacio was silent, watching her carefully. The scent of his distress swirled around her and Eva had to fight the instinct to reach for him.

“My parents didn’t die in an airplane accident,” she croaked. “Or, it wasn’t an accident. Josh found my passport. He figured out that I was going to leave him, that I was going to run as far and as fast as I could.” Eva swallowed hard, “I didn’t even know that he knew. He didn’t say anything. For weeks. And then, he booked a vacation for them, sent them on a private plane that was never going to get where it was headed.”

Horacio made a low, sympathetic noise, but didn’t otherwise speak.

“The plane nose dived into the ocean. We couldn’t even have an open casket for them because the fish had…” She inhaled sharply, trying to wrangle the grief, “Anyways, he told me about it ten minutes before the service was going to start. I spent my parents’ funeral and every day since then knowing that it was my actions that killed them. That it was a man I chose to marry that made it happen.”

Eva let that sink in as she caught her breath. Horacio looked stricken, his expression tight. Her shoulders dropped as she realized she must have finally gotten through to him how serious the situation was, how deadly. She’d forgotten just how deadly in the case of Dr. Martin, but she refused to make the same mistake again.

Horacio took another step towards her, “Eva, I promise you that I will keep you safe.”

“I’m not worried about me, you big idiot!” she cried.

Eva’s jack clacked shut on the next sentence. The part of her that worked every day to make sure she couldn’t be hurt snatched it from her throat.

His head cocked to the side as he blinked at her. She reckoned that her outburst was probably not something he expected, given their previous interactions. A not so small part of her was gratified that they were both learning something that morning.

Moving closer, Horacio lifted a hand as if to touch her cheek. Eva pulled back quickly, eyes wide and panicked.

“No,” she ordered, “Don’t...do that. Its bad enough that I’m here. I can’t go back to the house smelling like,” her hands made a wild, helpless gesture, “you.”

Horacio’s eyes flashed with challenge. Eva was once again reminded that she was dealing with an alpha that she didn’t know and whose instincts she couldn’t predict. She let her gaze fall to the side, curled in on herself a bit to make herself smaller.

He scoffed, “You’re making this very difficult for me.”

Tough, she wanted to say.

“Sorry.”

“You’re not sorry.”

She wasn’t. Eva had done the thing she came here to do. And, she wasn’t going to apologize for it.

“What do you want to do?” he asked evenly.

God, she didn’t know.

Horacio let the silence hang for a while, watching her scramble to come up with an answer. Then, he nodded and took another step forward. There was about two feet between them, but it felt too close. Eva’s hands balled into fists.

“I think we both need to take some time,” he said, moving still closer.

Again, Eva stepped away, her back hitting the apartment door behind her. Horacio closed the space between them until it collapsed to mere inches.

“Josh and Alexei are leaving the city this weekend to investigate a missing shipment.”

Eva squinted up at him, “How…?”

Giving her a look that said she should know the answer to that question already, he continued, “There’s a small cafe on Brooks street, do you know it?”

She nodded.

“Meet me there Saturday at two in the afternoon. We can talk about this again.”

Eva mentally went over her schedule, knowing that she didn’t have any meetings or appointments, knowing that Josh and Alexei would be gone. She couldn’t come up with any kind of reason she shouldn’t go other than she shouldn’t keep letting herself be alone with the man.

As close as he was, Eva was inundated with him. There was no cologne masking his scent and she could feel the heat of his body radiating towards her. She dug her nails into her palms to keep from reaching out to him, but could not stop the way her head tilted back against the door to expose the vulnerable skin of her neck.

He visibly swallowed, eyes tracing down and to the side. Eva knew that he was staring at the gland that peeked out from below her ear. It was the place where her scent was most concentrated, giving away not only her status, but also her feelings, her wants and needs.

If she were unmarried, she might turn her head to invite him in. Let him draw her into his lungs. Let him touch his mouth to her skin so that she carried him with her everywhere she went for hours after they parted ways.

Eyes hot, Horacio’s chin dropped as he rocked towards her on the balls of his feet, “I really, really want to kiss you.”

Eva’s lips parted to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. She was somewhat surprised by the admission, but her reaction to it was as expected. Eva had wanted to kiss him since the moment she caught his scent for the first time. It didn’t matter that she was married. It didn’t matter that he frustrated her, angered her, lied to her. Eva still wanted to kiss him.

Attention drawn to her mouth, he lifted his hand and pressed the pad of his thumb against her lower lip. Eva, unable to stop the action, touched the tip of her tongue to his skin and would have drawn it into her mouth if he hadn’t stumbled away with a loud hiss.

Shoulders tilted down, Horacio panted as he moved further away. Eva shrank into the door, almost afraid that he would charge her, almost wanting him to do so.

It was time to go.

She’d pushed them both further than she should have and she needed to make a strategic retreat. Slowly, carefully, Eva turned the knob of the door and eased around it to let herself out.

Horacio watched her, but didn’t move. As she backed into the hall, he prompted, “Saturday.”

Eva nodded, not trusting her voice.

Needing the time to collect herself, she took the stairs all the way down to the ground floor. As she stepped into the lobby, she caught Bobbi Lynn’s voice echoing from the floor above.

Panicking, Eva hid in the stairwell until she could no longer hear Bobbi Lynn, and then for a few minutes more. Tip-toeing through the lobby, she exited the building and walked as fast as she could to her car. All the way home, Horacio’s voice repeated ‘I really, really want to kiss you’ in her head.

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 168 Rundown

Spy X Family: We’re back to the two vignette format which I’m not the biggest fan of but what can you do. Becky wants to seduce Loid despite that being illegal for several reasons and heads over to Anya’s house to both accidentally flex her wealth and steal Yor’s man. Anya’s surprisingly on board with Operation Bed a Married Man Eight Times Your Age because Becky is rich and flashes through a montage of how cool having a rich six year old for a mom would be. Loid is just asking questions for spy intel shit cause you can never have too much of that but shenanigans ensue and Yor of course comes in and freaks out initiating a high-speed chase down the street when she thinks she’s gotten Becky sick. It’s funny because not only are the adults oblivious to the plan but like they wouldn’t take it seriously even if they knew, SHE’S SIX. Becky eventually learns to respect Yor’s strength and see her as a kind person and potentially figure out some polygamy shit I guess because now she’s just trying to prove she’s strong so Loid will like her like Yor, that makes three women trying to have a shonen tournament for this man’s oblivious affection. Speaking of which the second half of the episode is Fiona running around doing Loid’s makeup work while he’s on the cruise ship and going through a full-ass training arc to beat Yor that I’m absolutely sure will make zero difference next time they meet.

Inuyasha The Final Act: A lot’s going on in this episodes and we’re juggling like four different plotlines because The Final Act decided to say fuck it to the drawn out storytelling and be like let’s get this shit done, it’s like reverse filler. Kikyo has taken Midoriko’s soul to once again extend her fleeting life by a bit longer and reveals what I assume to have been her plan all along with purifying Naraku’s soul with the completed jewel which is why she gave him the half the jewel back when Kagome had a bunch of shards before Shard Inflation occurred, like I think she’s making a bigger deal out of this than it has to be, Naraku’s not completely invulnerable despite what she says even without his heart and there can be and are other ways to obliterate him on a molecular level but at least seeing her game plan now makes some of her previous actions make more sense. Since Kohaku has what is ostensibly the last shard standing and isn’t able to make nice with the group reminding him of his crimes, he decides to go with Kikyo and go all in on the complete the jewel plan.  Meanwhile Koga undergoes his trial to obtain the Goraishi and finally catch up with the power creep that hit like a hundred episodes ago like Koga was essentially power crept from his introduction but I do love him and the Goraishi is one of my favorite anime weapons so it’s cool to see him be the first of Final Act’s ‘oh yeah other characters besides Inuyasha probably need upgrades too’ list. Last but not least, Kagura is running from Naraku which seems kinda pointless since he literally has her heart in the palm of his hand like I don’t think it’s like cell phone signal like if she just gets far enough away from it, it won’t work. To prove this point Naraku just teleports in front of her and fucking gives her the heart back only to stab her full of poison a second later and be like ‘cool story bro, enjoy the freedom, all five minutes of it’. Meanwhile meanwhile, Sesshomaru is fighting Moryomaru and fucking breaks the Tokijin over his head and spoils the ‘imma steal all his energy’ that is every Sesshomaru fight because they made Sesshomaru way too strong so every fight has to revolve around trying to steal his power. Still once he’s done he rushes to where Kagura is to at least be with her as she dies, telling her as much that he came to see her which is a frightening display of honesty and openness for Sesshomaru, like their relationship kinda came out of nowhere idk why Sesshomaru cares at all about her at this point and I’m not entirely sure when Kagura’s infatuation turned from ‘he’s a strong guy that can beat Naraku’ to ‘I think I kinda like him’ but it’s a good moment, like maybe it’s better paced in the manga but I do like their dynamic as the only two that really understand each other precisely because both are so guarded. Also like that Sesshomaru just tells Inuyasha that Kagura was at peace when she died instead of like ‘bitch it’s not my job to stop your women from dying’ like he did with Kikyo on Mt. Hakurei.

Castlevania: Now that all of the preamble with Dracula is out of the way, we get to our hero…ish guy, Trevor Belmont, who introduces himself as the best fighter in the world while getting his shit kicked in by a bunch of drunken nobodies and still somehow coming out on top. He makes his way around getting scraps of food and talking to marketplace people D&D vagrant style, it’s kinda funny how this kind of conveys how people in video games walk around talking to people to see what the plot is better than the Shenmue anime which is like they actually animated the video game. But yeah in classic anime hero fashion they find someone being picked on by assholes and proceed to… gruesomely dismember them, okay that’s not usually how that works but I’ll roll with it. Apparently these dudes are part of a monk-like sect his father knew and they’re kinda just chill dudes but the Church is like ‘motherfuckers the peace monks did this shit’ when Dracula comes despite the fact the church literally did this shit. And these guys are just hanging around being persecuted out of the goodness of their hearts and also because the elder’s grandkid is down looking for the Jesus-like soldier guy that’s supposed to come stop Dracula-type shit from happening, so minor conflict of interest but being the pragmatic-type hero Trevor is he just wants the peace monks to get the fuck out of dodge so that they’re still around to save anyone that’s left to be saved once everything inevitably goes to shit because if the hordes don’t get them, something more dangerous will: Catholics.  

Jujutsu Kaisen: So yeah as expected, Megudad wasn’t Edo Tensei’d just to fight Ino and then go back, turns out he’s pulling a Madara and reversing the revival and taking control of it himself because the series is really having fun with the ‘the body is the soul’ thing which basically means whatever the plot wants it to mean but they literally said a few episodes ago that it will mean whatever the plot wants it to mean so I can’t really blame them. The next most pressing issue is hand-holding guy is going around killing all the Middle Managers and he’s finally reached the two we know, Kento manages to save Ijichi and Nobara is protecting the blonde lady but hand-hold guy manages to get a blow to her jaw which I feel like ‘a blow to the jaw rattles the brain and temporarily paralyzes you’ is fiction’s new favorite fun fact about fighting because I’m seeing that around a lot lately. Shame because I feel like this guy vs Nobara would be a pretty evenly matched fight but Kento comes in and demolishes him for murdering all the mook Middle Managers. Sadly he’s not dead and as things get worse in this arc I feel like not double-tapping all the random bad guys is gonna come to bite someone in the ass but everyone’s safe for now. I don’t know how to feel about Nobara’s part in this fight because she always seems to get the ‘not now, the big boys are playing’ moments and the only reason she’s not dead is because hand holding guy is a fucking moron but the only reason she was even in trouble was because he got ridiculously lucky so idk I guess coincidences cancel each other out. Also Yuji’s come face to face with Blood Man who’s pissed his less humanoid brothers got murdered by Yuji and Nobara so that’ll be something to deal with next time. Also Mei Mei’s fighting Smallpox or something idk.

Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End: Before I begin with this episode I gotta say this is like the chilliest anime in the world like the pace is so slow and no one talks above a light tone and I think it’s an interesting way to portray the way Frieren views a slow and quietly changing world where milestones aren’t large but simply pass by one by one. Frieren is continuing to train Fern to shoot her rock and passes by several years with Heiter, enjoying an amount of time with him that she didn’t get with Himmel even if it is short and near the end of his life. Fern expresses that she wants to be fully trained by the time Heiter dies so he doesn’t have to worry about her and he can go knowing his decision to save and take care of her wasn’t in vain. It’s funny because we get to see both sides of this as Heiter’s doing this as a final act of goodwill in Himmel’s spirit. Turns out the ominous grimmoire had absolutely nothing in it as expected but unexpectedly Heiter knew that and was using it as a stalling tactic to get Frieren to train Fern to the point where Fern can join her on her journey without being a hinderance, like I feel like once Frieren got like 90% of the way through translating the grimmoire and there was no immortality she was probably safe in the assumption they weren’t gonna sneak it in on the last page but it is a cute little flip on that. Heiter tells Frieren to take Fern and go so she doesn’t have to watch him die but Frieren says fuck that shit she’s done missing out on time with people she cares about and having improper farewells on their deaths so she stays until the bitter end. Frieren and Fern then set off to… not really do much of anything honestly, Frieren seems like the kind of person that would get all the Korok seeds in Breath of the Wild you know, she’s a completionist and wants to get every kind of spell she can which is interesting because it seems magic in this world is made through a combination of fundamentals and culture so you can almost homebrew magic like messing with the source code of the mana which actually sounds really neat if that’s how it works and she can just get spells and make new ones no matter how small and simple some are. One day they come across a statue of Himmel and fix it up and Fern wants to create a spell to summon his favorite flowers from his hometown but no one’s seen it in years, so they fucking search for six months for this fucking flower which probably ranks up there as one of the most tedious sidequests of all time. Now the conflict here is kind of interesting since Frieren is now traveling with Fern she can’t just dump a decade into finding one thing for a side project she’s been working on, but also Fern has to come to understand Frieren as well and why she does things the way she does. There’s no explosion of frustration or anything they just legit quietly talk and end up figuring out a way to find the flower once all is laid bare and that’s kinda neat and it also means Fern has the patience of a fucking saint because most people would be done with this shit by now, Frieren also never really gets mad about it despite that wound likely being very fresh and her getting a little obsessive about doing something for Himmel and being a perfectionist about it HAVING to be this particular flower, I could see an alternate drama-filled version of this episode in a different writing style. The note we end on is also really nice with Frieren nothing that Fern and her both got into magic not really for any grand reason but because for a combination of enjoying it and it connecting them to people they care about, it was the choice they made, sort of reminds me of the ending of Soul, it’s more pleasure driven than purpose driven since this seems to be a show about making your own meaning out of life.

Vinland Saga: So Canute sends his rudest men to go tell Olmar to fuck off so he can kill one in a rigged fight and they can arrest the lot of them. Funny thing is Olmar STILL almost loses the rigged fight and then Thorgil gives him a pep talk to complete the rigging and then murders the rest of them which kinda ruins the plan because Thorgil’s a fucking sociopath and murders all of Canute’s guards rather than go to jail which idk why they didn’t have that stone throwing guy give Thorgil some wounds while he was murdering everyone like the guy’s basically Bullseye from Daredevil and he let the situation get completely out of hand. It’s funny how Thorgil’s like ‘yeah we murdered five to ten people but we had no choice, they were talkin’ shit’ and like really puts a fine point on how stupid this whole culture is and why Canute’s trying to change it. Also Olmar does not seem to be doing well with the reality of being a murderer even though it was almost an accident, like kid’s a little screwed up but he’s not a sociopath like his brother. Either way the three of them get away on Leif’s ship so Leif can go see Thorfinn and Canute is ready to bring war to Ketil’s farm.

[averagewriter777]

More Than What You Signed Up For

(Jacksepticeye & Egos x Female!Reader)

You had met Seán unexpectedly and had not known he was as well. No, you don’t live under a rock… you just have a full-time job and would rather spend time on Adult Swim than YouTube during your free time. And by ‘freetime’ that means grading discussion boards and assignments.

After dating for a year and a half, you had brought up moving in together. Seán seemed uneasy about it, saying he was unorganized at home and a lot of the time ‘like’ a different person. You said you didn’t care and if it was really that serious, you would continue to live in your apartment, but would soon love to move in with him. Strangely, the next morning, you got a text saying to completely ignore everything he said the night before and that he’d love you at his apartment.

Your schedules were not too far apart. Though you lived in the United Kingdom, you were a professor for Stanford University- just online. Your lectures were not pre-recorded, because you didn’t like your previous students to be talking to your new students… you learned that in your third year of teaching abroad. So, you woke up at 6am every morning to record a lecture for the week- which only took about two hours, before heading to the kitchen to start on your and Seán’s morning.

Though usually an early riser, Seán had quickly discovered not to record while you were recording. Even with his walls padded, you told him you could still hear him and had to clip out and re-record parts of your lecture the first time. He was awfully apologetic about it, and promised to record when you were finished. It meant sleeping in for him anyway.

One morning, however, was different. It was Fall Break for Stanford University, so you remained in bed next to him, even sleeping past that 8am mark that breakfast was usually being made. You, however, woke up when you felt him violently twitch next to you- and even heard his neck snap. “Seán?!” Your grogginess disappeared when you saw him lying there for a moment before inclining his neck to the side again to crack it. “Jesus H. Christ! What the hell was that?”

His blue eyes fell upon your half open (e/c) ones. His eyes seemed to have a strange green glow in the pupils- but you decided to ignore it. “Didn’t mean to wake you… Thought you would be recording your lecture…” His voice was lower in pitch and rough- you almost couldn’t recognize it as his own at first. “I’ll go get started on breakfast.” Seán gave you a kiss, then slid out of bed, not bothering to put on a pair of pants or a shirt.

You watched him leave the room, muttering something to himself that sounded like a self-argument. It was too quiet for you to hear, but he sounded upset. “What the actual fuck…” So, you decided to get out of bed, grabbing one of Seán’s t-shirt’s on your way out and stopping just outside the room to listen in on what was happening in the kitchen. Literally an argument he was having with himself.

“You scared her- I thought I told you not to do that! Any of you… It’s bad enough she hardly knows me YouTube wise. This would scare the shit out of her!” Seán’s voice was back to normal, and his Irish seemed to really be coming out. It happened a lot when he was upset.

“It’s been weeks since I’ve taken over. I mean no harm… especially to her. Your feelings towards her are mine as well.” There was the change in his tone of voice again, deeper and rougher. “The others have been subtly around her- and I’ll be honest in saying I didn’t mean to come out like that. Forgot about Fall Break.”

There was a long sigh, and a completely different voice came out. Almost as if another person entered the room. “ ‘ow could you forget about zat of all things? Ze rest- except me, of course, have been careful around this. You’re just a dummkopf, Anti.” The voice was German- and who the hell was ‘Anti’?

“Umm… you guys are aware that she’s standing outside the bedroom, right? She can probably hear this going on. So, she’s either going to think Seán is crazy or… yeah.” He sounded exactly like Seán, but he seemed to have a strange brighter tone to his voice. “(Y/n)? Please come out so we can talk about this-- all of us.”

You bit your bottom lip and decided to come out, just as what was suggested. The only person in the kitchen was Seán. He had a cup of coffee in his hand and was working towards making yours. “Umm… so you probably have questions.” You crossed your arms and stuck out your hip. “This would be a lot easier if you were somewhat of a fan.”

“Seán… you’re scaring the shit out of me right now, what the actual fuck is this?” You didn’t mean to be so forward about it, but if your boyfriend had multiple personalities and he didn’t tell you by now- by God you were going to have some words with him. “Do you have some multiple personality disorder? Is this why you didn’t want us living together?”

Your boyfriend tapped his chin, took a long sip of his coffee, then sighed. “You could call it a multiple personality disorder, but it’s really not. Because they’re real? I don’t know how to put it. I can, uh… bring them out, like transparent figures- but I really don’t want to freak you out more than you already are.” He looked at your crossed arms and your tapping foot, and sighed again. “Fine… I’ve warned you, please sit on the couch in case you faint. Despite knowing, Amy fainted when Mark did this.”

When the two of you had moved to the living room and you were comfortable on the couch, Seán closed his eyes and crossed his legs- as if he was meditating. Slowly but surely, however, six transparent figures spread throughout the room- all looking like Seán, but in different outfits and styles. The one closest to you made you feel the most uneasy because on his throat were faded knife marks. “Holy fuck--”

“(Y/n), these are my ‘egos’.” Sean sighed, gesturing to the six transparent figures around them. The figures waved and smiled at her, well, except for the one closest to her- who started to smile, but glitched out. “Closest to you is Anti, a darker ego, but he thankfully has a soft spot for you. Next to Anti is Chase, if you ever find me in a sort of dad-like or bro-mode… It's because of him. Henrik is a German doctor, so I strangely know German because of him and I could become a doctor if I wanted, but would switch nationalities. The one in the white mask is Marvin the Magnificent… if you remember our second date when I showed you some magic tricks- that was Marvin showing off. Then we have Jameson, the one who looks like he belongs in a silent movie… he’s literally mute so- if you ever need translating for him or I find myself switching to him, I might use a notepad. He’s quite the romantic. Lastly is my superhero ego, his full name is Jackaboyman, but we all call him Jackie. So, usually when you call me that… I switch over to him- not on purpose…”

You hadn’t moved during the explanation and you were pretty sure you stopped breathing at one point, but continued halfway through. All seven versions of Seán looked at one another, as if they were speaking telepathically (which they probably were) and waited on you. “You mean to tell me… you weren’t even the one doing magic on our second date?”

Seán blinked at you. “That’s… That’s your question?” Anti and Marvin burst out into laughter at his response. “Not ‘you have six other personalities, why didn’t you tell me?’ or ‘This is a lot more than I bargained for’ which isn’t a question, but I feel like that’s what I would be feeling at this moment in time.”

“Oh no, I want to know why you didn’t tell me. I’m slightly upset about that, but not too upset.” You watched the egos smile, then move themselves back to Seán. “And you’re dating me, I have multiple personalities- not like this… but you know what I mean.” You scooted yourself close to Seán and embraced him, to which he immediately hugged back. “Glad you told me, I was getting really worried about you, love. With all your twitching out…”

Seán shook his head and laughed. “That’s mostly Anti glitching, if you get annoyed by it, just call him ‘Glitch Bitch’ he hates it.” His eye twitched, but nothing else happened. “Can I have a morning kiss now?”

You laughed and pressed your lips firmly to his.

(Open to requests if anyone sees this! I'm sticking to Jacksepticeye for several reasons at the moment... and because he's my favorite. Hope y'all enjoyed!)