#ill decide officially if its done or not tomorrow but it sure feels pretty done

[starlightkun]

p-pupsick might be done? finished?? at 11.7k words???

[imagineyourworld]

Confession

Bi!Poe Dameron x Fem!Reader

Summary: Poe has something he needs to tell you. Based on a Jane the Virgin quote. 

Warnings: I don’t think there are any, but let me know if I missed anything

Check out my other work and what’s coming soon 

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You and Poe were something.  You wouldn’t say you were together, because you’d never had the conversation about being exclusive. But you were something, stuck in the awkward stage between friends and boyfriend and girlfriend. And maybe it was now your turn to take the next step and ask Poe what he wanted your relationship to be. These were the thoughts running through your head while you busied yourself while you were tinkering with the parts of a destroyed droid someone had dropped off earlier. But as if your thoughts had summoned him, you felt Poe’s hands on your shoulder. “Do you have a minute?”, he asked, while starting your tense muscles. It took you a moment before you could answer. Both because no matter how much closer the two of you had grown, Poe’s presence still had you tongue tied sometimes, which is why instead of words, a low moan escaped you when he hit a muscle that had been sore for days. “Do you really think it is wise to make such noises in the workshop, sweetheart? People might get the wrong idea of what we’re doing in here.” You knew you should care, usually you really did care about your reputation, but in that moment you needed nothing more than Poe’s hands working at your tense shoulders. “Let them”, you groaned, leaning further into his touch. You heard Poe chuckle behind you and after a few more moments he stopped massaging your tense shoulders to which you replied with a whine.  “Sorry, sweetheart. As much as I like hearing those sounds coming from your pretty mouth, I really need to talk to you.”  It was rare for Poe to be this serious, which is why you turned around to face him. His handsome face was solemn, but not enough for you to think that something bad had happened.  Maybe it’s finally time to talk about our relationship, you thought.  “Are you up for a picnic?”  Poe held up a small bag you hadn’t noticed before. A picnic had to be a good sign, it was something romantic, especially now that it was nearing sundown, so the chances that Poe would ask you to be his official girlfriend were quite good.  “Always. Is BB8 joining us?”  He shook his head, sending a few dark curls flying, which caused you to repress the urge to push them back. “Not today, I wanna be alone with you”, he said with a small smile before he added. “Are you okay with that?”  You smiled in return. What have you done to deserve an almost-boyfriend as sweet as Poe Dameron?  “I’m always okay being alone with you. More than okay, actually.”  His smile widened, as did yours when he grabbed your hand to pull you away from your workstation.  “Wait a second”, you laughed at his eagerness. “I still need to clean up a bit.”  As soon as Poe let go of your hand you missed the warmth, the way your hands fit perfectly together, but as much as you wanted to start your alone time as soon as possible, you couldn’t leave the tools and droid parts just laying there until tomorrow.  Putting everything away and in its place only took a few moments, but from the corner of your eyes you could see Poe getting impatient. He was fiddling with the ring around his neck, running a hand through his hair and stepping back and forth.  He really has no reason to be this nervous, considering how obvious my crush on him is, you thought as you shut the final drawer.  “I’m good to go”, you announced.  Poe stopped his pacing and took your hand in his again. The smile he sent you showed none of the nervousness you had seen just a few moments ago. 

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“This seems like a good place, don’t you think?”  You laughed as you looked around. Trees, bushes, grass and a few flowers here and there, the ‘good place’ looked like everywhere else on this planet.  “Sure, Poe. Just as good as the other three places you have already suggested.”  The two of you had been walking for about twenty minutes already, during which Poe had suggested multiple spots to have your picnic, but after a bit of consideration he had declared that there would be a better place further into the forest.  “This one has more of the purple flowers you like. You like the purple flowers, don’t you?”  As sweet as Poe’s behaviour was, you were getting a bit impatient. He had promised a picnic and you have been starving for a while now.  “I like the purple flowers very much, almost as much as I’d like to finally sit down and eat.”  Poe finally stopped investigating your surroundings to look at you. The look of concern on his face turned into one of regret.  “Of course! I invited you for a picnic, not a hike, after all.”  He opened his bag to pull out a small blanket, not much bigger than an average sized towel, which he laid down on the ground.  Before Poe had the chance to invite you to take a seat, you sat down. Poe followed shortly after.  Though you wouldn’t say it out loud, you were glad the blanket was so tiny, because it meant the two of you would be sitting closely together. So close, in fact, that your hips and thighs were pressed against one another.  As soon as he was seated next to you, Poe pulled out a small box, which he opened to reveal an assortment of fruit, and two glass bottles filled with water.  “It’s not much, we’re low on rations at the moment”, he tried to apologize, but you stopped him.  “It’s way better than the crappy stew I would have probably gotten in the mess”, you told him.  He chuckled as he handed you a fork and motioned for you to start eating.  You chose your favourite, which you just so happened to know was Poe’s least favourite, which was one more reason you were a match made in heaven. Similar enough to get along perfectly, but different enough to keep things interesting, though not so different that it would cause issues.  “So... How was your day?”  You raised an eyebrow, but Poe just kept chewing and looked at you expectantly.  “Is that really why you dragged me out here, to ask about my day? I was kinda under the impression that you wanted to talk about something a bit more... serious.”, you replied. And while you loved small talk with Poe was liked how much he really seemed to care about your day, you weren’t one for beating around the bush, at least not where the relationship between the two of you was concerned.  For a while Poe didn’t say a word. He avoided your glance, looking around and picking on a few blades of grass.  “I really like you”, he finally said. While those words made your heart beat just a little quicker, they weren’t exactly what you had been hoping for. You already knew that Poe liked you, you have been friends for quite some time after all, you had been hoping for something that would clarify his feelings just a little more. You contemplated replying to his statement, especially with the way he seemed to be staring into your soul now, but you decided to simply nod and let him continue.  “I like you as more than a friend. Damn it, I think I am falling in love with you, have been for quite some time in fact. You’re just so kind and funny and beautiful and- Where was I?”  This time you really did want to answer him, but his words have left you speechless. It might not have been the most romantic confession, but it was obvious that Poe was nervous and at least he had finally told you how he felt.  “Anyway”, he continued. “A reliable source told me that you like me as well.”  Before you could ask who it was, there weren’t many people you have told about your crush and you didn’t want to believe that one of them had revealed your secret, Poe shook his head.  “I’m not telling you who told me, it doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that, well... I’d like us to be more than friends, I’d like us to be official and exclusive, but before I can ask you to be my girlfriend, I need to tell you something important.”  A thousand thoughts rushed through your head, none of them good. Maybe Poe was seriously ill and dying. Maybe he was being send on a dangerous mission he would probably not return from. Maybe he was in some other kind of danger.  “Wh- What is it?”, you finally managed to ask, your voice sounding coarse and scratchy. You took a sip of water your suddenly dry mouth a bit.  “I’ve been wanting to tell you this for quite some time now, but the timing was never right. But I want you to know this before I ask you to commit to me, because I think it’s kinda important. No, scratch that. I know it’s really important, at least to me and-”  You couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing Poe could say could ever be worse than what you’ve been imagining the past couple of minutes and though he seemed really nervous and it wasn’t fair to rush him into this confession, you just had to know.  “Just spit it out, Dameron!”, you demanded.  Poe ruffled through his hair with one hand, making it even messier than it had been before, and you couldn’t resist the urge to push it out of his face. Though you’ve touched his hair a couple of times now, it was always surprising just how incredibly soft it was, despite the standard shampoo everyone in the Resistance used. The same went for his skin, which you noticed as you cupped his cheek in your hand, while your other hand reached out to take Poe’s.  “Tell me”, you urged him. A lot softer than your earlier demand, hoping your gentle touch would help him tell you whatever it was that was weighing him down.  “I am bi. Bisexual I mean. Bi as in bisexual, not bi as in bye.” The first sentence has been said with some confident, but then he just started rambling.  The first emotion you felt was relief. You had expected the worst, but this, though it was news, was not bad new, simply unexpected. Though you still didn’t know what to say. What did people say when someone came out to them?  Poe must have felt that you were unsure about something, because he started pulling on the grass around him again.  And even though you didn’t know what to say, you knew not saying anything was the worse than uncertain rambling. So you reached out to take the hand that was playing with the grass in yours. Softly you stroked across his knuckles, before lifting his hand to your lips and pressing a soft kiss on it.  “Thank you for telling me, Poe. It means a lot that you trust me enough to tell me something so personal.”  He squeezed your hand and finally sent you a signature Poe Dameron smile.  “It’s not like it’s a secret, it just so happens that few people know and I didn’t want you to find out from anyone else.”  You nodded and only then did you notice that you were still holding hands, something that, now that most of the tension has dropped, made you blush.  And even though you really were happy that Poe had come out to you, that he wanted to come out to you in person and that he hadn’t delivered any bad new, part of you felt... weird. The insecure part of you had always questioned why Poe showed any interest in you, both as a friend and a romantic prospect, but now that you knew he wasn’t just interested in women these doubts slowly returned. The pool of people he could have feelings for, if you even dared thinking that he really did have the same feelings you did, had grown, there were so many others one might consider better choices, prettier, funnier, braver, cleverer, more-  “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”, Poe interrupted your thoughts.  Slowly you untangled your hand from his, and even though he resisted for a split second, Poe let you without a word.  “It’s just... I... Why me? You said that you liked me, that you wanted to be in a relationship with me, but why me? I’m just me. I’m not extraordinary, I spent most of my time tinkering with droid parts while you’re the life of every party, I’m not fun like Jessika or sweet like Finn or talented like Rey or-  Out of the corner of your eye you could see Poe reaching for you hand again, but he stopped himself in the last second. Instead he let out a soft “Hey” but you just continued your rambling.  “I cannot give you what a man could, physically. Maybe you’ll regret being with me and then-”  This time he did take your hand and thus made you shut up. Softly he stroked your hand, just like you had done earlier. He rested the other hand on your cheek, which forced you to look away from your shoes, which you had been starting at, and at him.  “It’s true, you cannot give me what a man can. But you cannot give me what another woman can, either. It’s you I want, and no one can compare to you.”  You knew you would say something stupid and cheesy, so you bit down on your bottom lip. An action that made Poe focus on your lips in a way that set off fireworks in you.  “Can I kiss you?”, he asked in a soft voice.  All you could do was nod slightly before he pressed his lips on yours. The kiss was a perfect mix between gentle and demanding, it was sweet and hot and just a bit teasing. That is until your hands found their way into Poe’s hair, which made him groan and deepen the kiss.  When you opened your eyes again you found yourself laying on the ground, with no idea when or how it had gotten that far, which Poe on top of you.  You lifted a finger to your still tingling lips and looked up at Poe with wide eyes.  “That was...”, you started, but interrupted yourself when you realized you had no idea how to finish that thought.  “Still worried I’ll miss out on anything?”, he asked in a teasing voice. Instead of answering you pulled him down to you again until your lips almost met.  “I might have to kiss you some more to make sure I am not missing out on anything”, you replied.  You could feel him smiling into the next kiss. And the next. And the one after that.  When you finally parted again Poe laid down next to your, your hands intertwined and his head resting on your shoulder.  “So... Does that mean you’re officially my girlfriend?”  The smile on your lips widened and you were glad that Poe couldn’t see the colour rising to your cheeks from where he was laying.  “I’d love to, boyfriend.”  He squeezed your hand again, a feeling that was becoming more familiar with each passing second, and a simple gesture that told you how much your answer meant to him, how much you meant to him. 

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I’ve been wanting to write something like this for quite some time now, but it has proven to be more difficult than I imagined. I really wanted to use the Jane the Virgin quote because I just really liked how it defined being attracted to multiple genders and addresses the doubt some people might have when dating someone who is bi/pan/etc. 

I really hope I managed to handle the topic well, but please let me know if there’s anything I should edit, because even though I myself am starting to think that I might be bisexual, I also know that I have a lot to learn. Just please be nice about it and remember that I did not mean to be offensive in any way, but rather supportive. 

Also let me know if anyone is interested in a similar scenario with a male reader. I’ve wanted to make this genderneutral, but since I really wanted to include the quote that made it difficult, but I don’t want anyone to feel left out, so if there is an interest I’m open to writing for a male (or any other gender) reader. 

And also please don’t attack me for making Poe bi. I know different people picture him as having different sexual orientations, but I personally like to believe that he is bi.   

[flowerpot112]

Marauders First kisses

SIRIUS BLACK

"But what was it like?" Asked Peter, his eyes wide. James and Remus were either side of him looking on in admiration.

Sirius for his part was lounging in the armchair by the fire basking in the attention from his best mates, a Cheshire cat grin on his face. He had just sauntered through the portrait hole a hero, announcing to the boys and common room at large that he had just 'snogged' Laura Hayes, a fellow third year in Hufflepuff. He was inordinately proud of this fact, being the first amongst the four of them to kiss a girl.

"Brilliant of course you muppet" Sirius said shoving Peter with his foot "She couldn't get enough of me, then again who could blame her?" He gestured to what he knew was a classically handsome face.

"Awesome…" Peter breathed flopping back into the sofa.

"Poor girl, must have inhaled too many fumes in potions, probably brain damaged…." Remus grinned sitting next to Peter, reopening his book without looking at it.

"Well, if she wasn't before she is now." James sniggered as Sirius now aimed his foot in Remus direction. "So you were good at it then?" He now looked on in apprehension, he knew James would never admit it outloud but it was this fear that held James back from his own first kiss, it wasn't as if he wasn't more popular amongst the girls. James, like Sirius, always made sure he was laughed with, never at.

"What do you mean? 'Course I was good at it!" Sirius expression turned from that of absolute pride to outrage before slowly morphing into one of uncertainty "I mean, I think so… I mean it's not difficult, is it? People do it all the time…. Right?" He was proud of his achievement, but now the ever-present doubt crept in. What if he had one it wrong and now she was laughing with her friends as he was with his.

Sirius prided himself on his carefully crafted image, to the world he was the handsome, charismatic rebel of the Black family and he preferred it that way. His mother had taught him long ago to show emotion was to show weakness, he was still working on forgetting these sentiments. He looked to Remus as he often did when he was uncertain.

"Why are you looking at me you bloody idiot? You're the only one who's done it!"

"Yeah, but you always have the answers Remus, answer me damn it!"

"Well, like Pete said what was is it like?"

Sirius thought for a moment then answered quietly "Weird at first… and a bit awkward, I mean it's a bit strange to have someone else's tongue in your mouth! But, overall, yeah…. Brilliant, she was all pressed against me and smelled good and stuff…" He trailed off a small smile coming to his face. Yeah, he consoled himself, he'd done it right. After all Laura had asked him to Hogsmede afterwards. He liked Laura, she was half blood and her father was a mechanic, whatever that was, it it meant she grew up around motorbikes. Sirius was obsessed.

"Awesome" Peter reiterated.

James, his nerves now soothed (after all like Sirius said people do it all the time, could be too hard), grinned at Remus and moved to ruffle Sirius hair "Our boy's growing up so fast."

Remus mimed wiping a tear from his eye as Sirius foot now swung in the direction of James.

PETER PETTIGREW

"Peter! You absolute legend!" Remus gave Peter a congratulatory smack on the back, accidentally sending the poor boy toppling into a bench in the great hall.

"Snogging Marlene McKinnon, who'd have thought it eh?" Sirius said passing Peter a goblet of pumpkin juice.

"Yeah, way to go to old boy" James added his eyes twinkling.

Peter was busy blushing, it was unusual for him to be centre of attention even amongst his closest friends, he often felt he was on the outside looking in. He had been on his way to lunch the previous day, in his own world, grateful it was Friday. His mother had been ill the past week and Peter had been fretting his way through classes, making his usual struggle with spell work an absolute train wreck. This had landed him with three detentions and a stern telling off from McGonagall, followed swiftly by a shortbread biscuit. Marlene McKinnon of all people had stopped him in the halls and, peter noticed in full view of everyone, asked him to Hogsmeade the following day.

"It'll be a laugh…" she had exclaimed bumping him the shoulder. Peter had stammered out his acceptance of her offer through his confusion, feeling as though he was blushing from head to toe.

It wasn't that he didn't like Marlene, he knew her well enough and she was certainly a very pretty witch, it was just that Marlene usually spoke more to James and Sirius than Peter. James had known her well since childhood and the pair had a sibling like bond and Sirius, well Sirius enjoyed flirting.

Still Peter had bade farewell to his grinning friends and joined Marlene to walk down to Hogsmeade making small talk. Once in the Three Broomsticks they had talked about their upcoming plans for Christmas and laughed about the latest pranks he and his friends has played on the Slytherins. This latest escapade had earned the four troublemakers the name 'The Marauders'. They had complained about the ungodly amount of homework the professors had lumped upon them for the holidays whilst shopping in Honeydukes and set back for Hogwarts in silence. Once reaching the door of Hogwarts he had made to tell Marlene goodbye until she has leaned across and pecked Peter on the lips.

Now Peter, thoroughly cheered, had make his way to the great hall where his jokester friends were waiting. As he laughed with them, telling them of his first date and kiss he failed to notice James mouthing his thanks to Marlene, who just nodded and winked back.

JAMES POTTER

James knew objectively girls liked him. He was handsome, funny, athletic, and intelligent. His family's money didn't hurt one bit nor his pure blood status, although any girls interested in that James wouldn't entertain. Now that he was an official member of the Quidditch team it seemed every girl liked him. Well, most girls, he corrected himself thinking of a certain red-haired witch.

He quickly shook himself from that train of thought. He had asked her out, hadn't he? And she'd laughed derisively in his face before shooting a hex his way. Granted Snape was still coughing up soap bubbles from his own hex when he'd asked but he'd been genuine, much to his surprise. No she didn't want anything to do with James. But Clarice Wentworth did.

He brought himself back to the present and threw his most charming grin over his shoulder at her as he made his way across the Gryffindor common room to his fellow trouble makers. The quidditch celebration bash was in full swing, the Prewett brothers having provided all manor of treats and tricks to get the party going.

"Jamie, my boy, having a pleasant time?" Sirius asked, his ecstatic expression betraying his casual tone. After all the whole of Gryffindor house had just witnessed the enthusiastic kiss he'd just shared with Clarice.

"She just planted one on me!" James exclaimed his lips tingling a little at the memory. Which was the truth although he had been a more than willing participant. "Just walked right up and did it."

"Sounds horrific" Peter commented sarcastically.

"Shall we rush you to the hospital wing?" Remus added rolling his eyes. An action James echoed. Remus took a swig of his contraband fire whiskey.

"I'm not complaining," James explained grinning and looking over to where Clarice was giggling with her friends. "Just surprised, I'd not really noticed her properly before." He sure as hell did now.

"Not noticed her! She's bloody fit!" Sirius eyebrows looked to be attempting to join his hairline, Peter nodded vigorously.

"Too busy mooning over, then being hexed by a certain talented witch" James, deciding Remus had had quite enough for one night, snatched the bottle from Remus hands.

"I've no idea what you could possibly mean Remus, my dear friend." Still, he couldn't stop his eyes from flicking to the table where Lily Evans and her friends were sitting. They appeared to be deep in conversation but Lily, sensing James gaze no doubt turned to look at them, he looked away quickly.

Remus and Peter wore identical knowing smiles whilst Sirius just rolled his eyes and leant over to throw an arm around his favourite friends' shoulders. "Never mind Evans, she's a right stick in the mud mate, some birds just don't appreciate perfection when they see it." He shook James a little in his grasp. James appreciated Sirius' flattery, although he wasn't 100% sure his mate wasn't talking about himself.

"It would certainly make my life easier; I'm hoping to make prefect next year and Lily is a shoe in. Don't fancy spending patrols with her ignoring me because you've ticked her off." He threw James a fond but exasperated look "Maybe its best to leave her and Snape alone for a little a while?" He looked quietly hopeful.

James conceded to himself Remus had a point. Whilst it was fun to cause a bit of mayhem with the boys and funnier still seeing Snivellus get what was coming to him, he had recently found himself wanting to impress Evans, wanting to make her smile as Snivellus did, wanting to make her laugh the way Meadows did… wanting it to be her surprising him with a kiss in the common room. He could lay off… for a while at least. Clarice seemed charming and obviously more than welcomed his affections. Maybe spending some time having fun with her wouldn't hurt.

"Agreed."

Sirius scoffed "You're actually gonna let Snivellus get away with that stunt he pulled on Peter last Wednesday? Peters head was 5 times its normal size for hours!"

James tutted "Of course not! What do you take me for?" He threw arm over Sirius in return grinning, whilst Remus groaned "We just cant get caught, that's all"

Now it was Sirius turn to groan, James heard him mutter something about unfairness and credit. James chose to ignore his mates' dramatics. He looked back over to Clarice and said, "If you don't mind lads, we'll pick this up tomorrow, see you in the dorm." He made his way over to her.

REMUS LUPIN

What can only be described as a squeal echoed through Gryffindor tower. The blonde girl rushed past the three laughing Marauders clutching her shirt over her bare chest.

"Manly, Pads, really I'm impressed mate." Said James sarcastically.

"Shut it, Prongs!"

"Yeah Prongs, Sirius is too much of a free soul to be confined by stereotypical gender confines… or at least his vocal cords are" Remus teased as Sirius casually corrected his uniform without a hint of self-consciousness as the boys trooped into their dorm.

They flopped down on their own beds, dumping their bags, and shuffling out of their shoes and jackets, still wet from the storm raging outside.

"Now, Moony my romantically challenged friend, don't be jealous"

"Romantically challenged?" Remus countered, his eyebrows raising "Says the mutt who can't keep a girl past a week!" If Remus was honest with himself, he supposed he was somewhat 'romantically challenged' but he thought of it as more of a side effect of what he became each month. He tried not to mourn the things he couldn't have.

"How dare you!" Sirius clutched his chest in mock indignation as James and Peter guffawed "I'm still finding the right one."

James sniggered even more "And that entail's you snogging you're way through the population of Hogwarts…. How?"

"We can't all pine after Evans now, can we? Simply not enough of her to go around Prongs m'boy"

"She seems to be coming around to you lately James" Peter supplied helpfully defending his friend as he threw a pillow at his grinning friend.

"Thanks Pete, see Black that's good friend!" James said catching the pillow Sirius launched back at his face just in time.

"Yes James your methods of seduction are truly astonishing to behold, I look on in awe." Remus couldn't help but agree with Sirius, the day Lily Evans looked at James Potter with anything other than thinly veiled contempt would be the day Dumbledore showed up to the great hall clean shaven.

He told his dear friend so, to which James replied "Well atleast she knows how I feel! How long have you been mooning over Maeve Mathers now?"

Sirius sniggered at the pun before adding "Ask her out Moony! Join in on the fun!" Remus glared at them, they knew damn well what his worry was. As nice as it was that James was dead certain his condition shouldn't matter Sirius at least should understand Remus' trepidation, growing up in the Black household as he did.

"What we need is a tie!" Peter suddenly announced to his comrades interrupting his thoughts. Three heads swung in his direction, each boy looking at him quizzically.

"Say what?"

Grinning at the realisation he knew something his brilliant friends didn't Peter sat up properly to explain. "I've heard of muggles doing it, if one of them is with a girl in a shared room they put a tie on the door to let the other lads know, you know so they don't have to walk in on one of them half naked twice a week" He gave Sirius a pointed look.

Sirius remained unfazed "See Remus, we'll get a tie…"

"We have ties Padfoot"

"…and you'll have peace and quiet when shacking up with Mathers" Remus sincerely doubted he'd ever have peace again, not with a stag, dog and rat to contend with. But if he was being brutally honest, his 'furry little problem' wasn't the only thing holding him back.

"You have done it haven't you Moony?" Asked James, as usual hitting the nail on the head.

"Done what?" He attempted to evade, knowing he was never that lucky.

"Kissed a girl you loon, snogged, frenched, necked… canoodled?" Sirius supplied helpfully wagging his eyebrows. Peter cackled and fell to his side, meanwhile James looked at Remus his brows furrowing.

He stammered for a second before answering "I'm not interested." He willed them and himself to believe it.

"Yeah right!" Both Sirius and Peter exclaimed.

Peter continued "How do you know? Its like turnips, I used to always say I didn't like them but mum always said how did I know if I didn't try them and she was right, I tried them and now I add them to every roast, they pair excellently with gravy…" He trailed of seeming to realise the other three were looking at him like he'd slobbered on their shoe.

"Don't think girls are like turnips Wormtail."

Siruis looked back to Remus "Although that is the reasoning I had before making out with Stephen Spellings, maybe you could try a bloke Moony." He grinned daringly.

"And on that note, think its time to drop it lads." James said laughing before shooting both boys a look before turning around to get changed. Remus gratefully turned to do the same.

The boys could be incorrigible, but they usually did what James said, Peter certainly did anyway.

It was later that night when Padfoot and Wormtail were in the bathroom brushing their teeth that James plopped himself down beside Remus on his bed.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about you know. Not having been with a girl before."

"I'm not embarrassed! I just have other worries!" He insisted motioning toward the half moon through the window.

"How many times do I have to tell you Remus? That doesn't change who you are, anyone disagrees, you send them my way" James gripped his shoulder. Remus felt the usual twinge of affection, he knew he was lucky to call these three idiot's friends.

Underneath James guileless gaze he could stop it from slipping out "Well, it is a bit weird, isn't it? I'm 15 Prongs and I've never kissed anyone. What kind of girl wouldn't laugh?"

"It's not weird Moony, you're not pushing 30 or anything." He rolled his eyes and paused before a maniacal grin appeared on his face, Remus groaned, that look never led to anything good. "But Moony, you wonderful man you, if that's what you're worried about…" And before Remus could react James lips were pressed against his.

James lips were soft and warm although his nose bumped into Remus' slightly. It was over rather quickly, and James lent back seemingly unfazed.

Remus sat there in shock whilst James patted him on the shoulder, "There you've done it now. If Mathers asked you've been well and truly kissed before. Nothing stopping you from asking her to Hogsmeade now!"

His shock fading Remus broke into a strained laughter "Yeah thanks a lot" He shook his head at his best friend and shoved the laughing teen off his bed. At least he had done it now, he supposed, and it has been sort of nice, though he may have preferred Maeve to James for his first kiss.

Hope you guys enjoyed.... Also on https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13966800/1/First-Kisses

[bamon4bamily]

TVD 10x02 - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (part 1) Enjoy! =)

Cut to - Munich, Germany. Elena is in one of the lab morgues. She is leaning against the freezers, writing in her diary.

 Dear Diary,

Today will be different. I will start fresh. Be someone new. New year, new life, new diary. I’ve come all this way, thanks to my father, but I need to step out of his shadow, and make it on my own. I have to stop doubting myself… As that cute guy Sam told me, I was chosen for a reason. It’s time I start believing in myself and become the Elena Gilbert I always wanted to be. Away from Mystic Falls, the drama, the supernatural, the pain…  

But, just between us, I feel like something is off… I mean, I’m glad to feel different, it’s just that in a weird way, I don’t feel quite like myself… Maybe it’s because the nightmares have come back… They are so vivid, as if I were living through it once more. The freezing water, the air escaping my lungs, the despair of knowing they were with me. That horrible feeling, over and over again… I thought I had healed, as much as one can heal from something like that, but I can still feel her hand slipping away… At times I think my dad blames me for letting her go. If he only knew the real reason both of us survived, maybe he wouldn’t resent it so much. Regardless, I will forever be thankful to Stefan for saving us that night. Although he still blames himself for not being able to save my mother, there was nothing anyone could have done.

Okay, enough about the past, I need to move on, build a new life for myself, and maybe, even find a new love… No vampires this time! Whatever comes, I’m living my life to the fullest! Letting myself be free… No fear, no guilt, no insecurities… Project Munich, here I come!

 Suddenly, she hears a noise. If it weren’t coming from one of the freezer drawers, she wouldn’t be startled, but since it clearly is, her heart starts pounding. She approaches cautiously… 

Before she can even grab the handle, the drawer slams open…

SAM: Boo!

ELENA: Oh my god, Sam?! You scared me half to death!

SAM: (Smirking) Good thing it was just half way. Wouldn’t want you dying on me.

ELENA: Well, what if I had a heart condition?! I could have!

SAM: A heart condition, or died?

ELENA: Well, both… But you know what I mean! You are so weird!

SAM: This coming from the girl leaning against body freezers in the middle of the night…

ELENA: At least I wasn’t lying in one of them like some kind of zombie!

SAM: It’s surprisingly relaxing…

ELENA: (Mocking) Being a zombie or lying in the freezers?

SAM: I suppose, both… (they crack up).

ELENA: Anyway, what are you doing here?

SAM: I like to come here to think… It’s quiet. You?

ELENA: Same… Guess we’re a couple of weirdos…

SAM: A little eccentric is all. (They smile in complicity). I will confess though; I do have an alternative motive…

ELENA: Oh, god. Please don’t tell me you are a psycho killer. I’ve dealt with enough of those…

SAM: I’m not going to ask why, but I do want to ask you something…

ELENA: (With a suspicious face) Uhm, okay… what?

SAM: Do you like picnics?

ELENA: That question isn’t helping your psycho case… But, yeah, I do. Why?

SAM: How about you and me, tomorrow… Wine and cheese in the main garden?

ELENA: (Kittenish) Are you asking me on a date?

SAM: Depends… is it a yes, or a no?

ELENA: Depends… is it red wine, or white?

SAM: Red, of course! What kind of a psycho drinks white wine?

ELENA: Plenty… And, you literally just met me, so there is a risk I might actually be one of them.

SAM: (Flirtatious smirk) I’m willing to take the risk, if you are…

ELENA: What the hell! Life is too short to play it safe.

SAM: I like the way you think. It’s a date then!

ELENA: It’s a date.      

SAM: Huh, I totally thought that was going to fail…

ELENA: You never know until you try, right?

SAM: (Smiles) I guess you don’t… Listen, it’s really late, do you want me to walk you to your dorm? I know this place is infested with military, but what if you run into a ghost? Pretty sure they would be clueless about how to handle that.

ELENA: (Laughs) Neither would you. But, you are not nearly as scary as they are, so I’d rather take my chances with you.

SAM: (Teasing) I happen to be a paranormal aficionado; I know how to handle a ghost.

ELENA: Oh, really?

SAM: I’ve seen all Ghost Busters movies a million times! I know what I’m doing!

ELENA: (Sarcastic) A Ghost Busters fanboy, that’s very comforting… (As they are walking out) Oh! And don’t think that just because I agreed to go on a date with you, I won’t get you back for the near heart attack you gave me … I happen to be a real horror movie aficionada; better watch your back…

Cut to – Mystic Falls Town Hall. Matt has been officially sworn in to take office as the new Mayor of Mystic Falls. Although he is worried about Edward’s abrupt decision, especially knowing the context behind his un-rational behavior, he can’t help but feel proud. This is what he had wanted all his life. And, given Edward’s current psychological condition, this decision was probably for the best.

 COUNCIL SPEAKER: Mayor Donovan, I speak on behalf of all my colleagues, we welcome you to this body of representatives with open arms, and ensure you that you have our full support, respect, and commitment.

MATT: It is my honor to have been entrusted with this duty. I will work day and night to rightfully serve our town, my home town. I will forever be grateful to Mayor Powell for believing in me, and giving me the opportunity to give back to the people that have built this town from scratch. In my first order of duty, I hereby announce the newly appointed Chief of Police, Sheriff Jackson. A woman of honor, courage and morals. I am certain she will serve this town with honor, loyalty, truth, knowledge and commitment. Please, give her a round of applause.  

SHERIFF JACKSON: Thank you, Mayor Donovan. I wear the badge with pride. I am humbled and honored to be given this responsibility. Trust that my team and I will follow the example you gave to us, and will serve and protect this community with the same passion and commitment you did. We might be in different offices now, but we will always be family.  

MATT: Always! Thank you, Sherriff Jackson. I have no doubt that you will surpass both mine and my predecessor’s accomplishments. In closing, I’d like to say that although we face many challenges ahead, I’m confident that we can overcome any obstacle by working together, always prioritizing people. Mystic Falls is a town built by its citizens, for its citizens. It is our duty to ensure the wellness and prosperity of all. Once again, thank you. Time to get to work! (They applaud).

Cut to – The Mikaelson mansion. Abby and Klaus are talking about Hope settling-in at the Salvatore School, among other things.

 ABBY: Hope looked so happy... And her dorm room is amazing! At the main house and a single! How lucky was she!

KLAUS: I had to “persuade” Alaric to make sure she was given the best accommodations.

ABBY: (Smiles) I’m sure you did…  

KLAUS: And how is Bonnie settling in her new home? I honestly cannot comprehend how she could voluntarily agree to spend day and night with Damon Salvatore. Are we certain he is not compelling her?

ABBY: (Smirks) You know he can’t, although I kind of wish that was the reason (they laugh). From what she told me this morning; the house is beautiful. Guess we’ll have to wait and see, if she ever invites us over.

KLAUS: She will, love, give her some time. They just moved in together, they need their privacy.  (Suddenly, the door opens, in come Elijah, Rebekah, Kol, Freya, Marcel, and Danae, suitcases and all). Uhm, excuse me, what is this unexpected visit about? Our family reunion isn’t until spring…

ELIJAH: Lovely to see you too, brother. Do pardon if our sudden arrival interrupts your tea time, but we are in a bit of a pickle. We have been cursed out of New Orleans; and, the last time I checked, this was also our home.

KLAUS: I am gone, for not even a month, and you somehow manage to get yourselves thrown out of what is rightfully ours? How exactly did that come to be?

MARCEL: Why don’t you ask Kol…

KOL: Oh, come on, Marcellus, it’s as much your fault as it is mine. And, don’t act so innocent, Elijah. You had your hand in this too.

ELIJAH: (Fixing his cufflinks) Maybe a little…

REBEKAH: While you boys decide who is to blame, I’ll go settle down in my bedroom.

KLAUS: You can’t. We turned it into a games room.

REBEKAH: (Indignant) Excuse me?!! How dare you!? Why my room?! Why not Elijah’s or Kol’s!?

KLAUS: Yours was better fitted for the purpose. Nothing personal, love.

REBEKAH: Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t… (Turns to Abby) And definitely nothing to do with you, right?

ABBY: (Sarcastic) Of course not, I wouldn’t dare! This was all him!

KLAUS: (Smirks) Traitor…  Anyhow, dear sister, there are plenty of other rooms you can choose from.

REBEKAH: Whatever. I’ll go find myself a room you two haven’t ruined, yet.

FREYA: I’m coming with. You people forget I’ve never been in this house!

DANAE: Really? I thought you had. I mean, even I have stayed here.

FREYA: And, thanks for rubbing that in, my love.

DANAE: No ill intentions, hon. I’m just surprised.

FREYA: (Sarcastic) Guess being a Mikaelson didn’t grant me the privilege, but being Klaus’s best friend’s girlfriend sure did.

KLAUS: Oh, don’t be so dramatic, sister. You are here now, are you not?

REBEKAH: Forget him, sis, this is our house too. We’ll give you the grand tour. Once we get dibs on the best rooms (they leave).  

KLAUS: So, dear brothers, care to explain to me exactly how you got yourselves into this “pickle”?

ELIJAH: We will. But we are going to need something stronger than tea…

ABBY: Oh, it’s not tea. We just pretend it is, so we don’t feel like we are day drinking.

KOL: Who cares about that! We are vampires, love; we can do whatever we want!

KLAUS: KLAUS: (Sarcastic) My loving brother Kol, can we please go back to the topic at hand? I’d like to know exactly how long I can expect to have you all around.

ELIJAH: It is going to be a while…

MARCEL: If not forever.

KOL: (Mocking) Look on the bright side, Marcellus, you’ll have time to get to know Mystic Falls. Despite what some believe, it is quite the charming little town… And, our home sweet home, for now… Better get used to it.

Cut to – Pietro’s mansion. Him and Darius are having a “secret” con-call after their board meeting.

 PIETRO: I’ve had just about enough. We need to retaliate for this. You didn’t see the aftermath, this place looked like a slaughterhouse.

DARIUS: Courtesy of your ripper brother, I presume?

PIETRO: Not sure which one of them did it, or if it was the three of them, but I had to get a professional cleaner.

DARIUS: You should really consider getting video surveillance, clears these types of doubts right up.

PIETRO: Never, those things give me all sorts of peeping Tom vibes. Anyway, I’m sorry about your witch friends, I’ll make it up to you.

DARIUS: I warned you not to play games. Now we’ve lost a coven of very talented witches, three potential recruits; we are clueless as to where the others are, and made the rest of the board members believe everything was going according to plan… (Sarcastic) Kudos!

PIETRO: Don’t you dare give me attitude about this, you have messed up worse than I have.

DARIUS: True; fair enough. Let’s not enter into panic mode, it’s a minor misstep. We’ll find them soon enough. In the meantime, as per Augustus’s orders, it seems like I have to find a replacement for Kai…

PIETRO: That was certainly an unexpected surprise. I thought he would be pleased with his progress.

DARIUS: I’m beginning to think Augustus feels threaten, more so after I shared Kai’s recent achievements.

PIETRO: Did you sense something was off with him during the call?

DARIUS: Well, the Augustus I know would have had Kai killed if he wanted him out of the game, not fired.

PIETRO: And it’s strange that he was willing for this Tamara thing to take more time, as long as Kai was off the task.

DARIUS: (Teasing) Maybe he’s starting to like his hostage situation; Stockholm syndrome type of thing?

PIETRO: (Smirks) Perhaps… Regardless, both Kai and Katerina would have been excellent for the field battle; they have stamina, and are surely gifted in terms of the supernatural.  

DARIUS: I know. But there are plenty of fish in the sea. From what Veritas showed us with the Munich project, and the “gadgets I’ve been working on with Kai, soon we might have even stronger pawns to play around with.

PIETRO: Hey, I had a lot to do with the Munich project. I’m not letting him take all the credit! I led that project for years, set all the ground work, and the money.

DARIUS: Don’t be so defensive, my friend. We all know you did an excellent job. But, you have to give him some credit, Veritas is hardcore when it comes to discipline. As soon as he brought in the military, voilà!

PIETRO: (Snarky) His leading style borders on dictatorship, I prefer a motivational approach.

DARIUS: I’m with you on that. He sure as hell can scare the shit out of anyone into doing anything. Just ask Aletheia…

PIETRO: He is the oldest vampire in existence, and a psychic one, nonetheless; of course he can. I’m not ashamed to admit it; he has almost made me “piss my pants” once or twice.

DARIUS: I can say the same. You know, it’s truly fascinating that the so called “Originals” are oblivious to the fact about their true origins… I’m sure Veritas would have a blast with them, if they ever manage to figure it out.

PIETRO: Oh, I’m sure they will, if not for their wits, definitely once our plans unfold.

DARIUS: I call dibs on first row seats!

PIETRO: I want the full behind the scenes experience! (They laugh).

DARIUS: Well, I have to run now. I need to go fire my star employee and the Russian spy…

PIETRO: Good luck. We’ll talk soon.

Cut to – The Bamon home. The gang is in the “Batcave” planning their next move.

SAGE: (Starting to worry about Pietro’s retaliation for their escape). We are 100% sure this place can’t be found, right? I’m not very familiar with the witch stuff; or the vampire stuff for that matter; I’m a newbie.

BONNIE: Don’t worry, there is no way anyone can find it.

SAGE: Not even that Darius guy?

BONNIE: Especially not him.

SAGE: Can’t they track your cellphones?

BONNIE: Not while the house is cloaked. Beauty of magic.

SAGE: This magic stuff is really cool!

BONNIE: You ain’t seen nothing yet… But, fair warning, it can get a little weird…

CAROLINE: (Teasing) Just a little? (They laugh)  Don’t worry, you are in good hands.

SAGE: Sorry; freaked out for a moment… Pietro can be quite vicious when he’s angry, and I’m sure he’s fuming right about now.

DAMON: Don’t be scared, Stefan and I got years on him. Now, back to the mission at hand. How are we going to break into this place without Kai?

STEFAN: What if we give our brother a taste of his own medicine? He can be our way in.

DAMON: I love when your mind goes devious, brother. What exactly are you thinking of?

STEFAN: There is an upside to having an Original vampire in town, and one who just happens to be in love with Bonnie’s mom… I’m betting he’ll do just about anything to get on your good side, Bon.  

BONNIE: Stefan, you are a genius! 

And, he does owe me big time! But, let’s avoid the whole “being in love with Bonnie’s mom” thing; still freaks me out.

STEFAN: Not another word on that, Bon.

DAMON: Ah, blackmail, deceit, and compulsion, my kind of tactics!

BONNIE: I’ll call my mom to invite them over for dinner, then we’ll guilt trip them into their part of the plan.

SAGE: Bit lost again, what’s an Original vampire?

CAROLINE: Oh, Sage. There is so much for you to learn about the vamp world. Stick with us, and you’ll learn everything you need to know.

SAGE: That would be amazing! Been pretty much self-taught since I was turned, which was literally just weeks ago.

CAROLINE: I know firsthand how important it is to have a mentor when you are new at this. We got your back.

SAGE: Thank you, I’ll take all the help I can get.

CAROLINE: We’ll help you with the supernatural, you’ll help us with the Science; win, win. The sooner we get these guys, the sooner we can go back to our normal lives.

SAGE: Deal! To be honest, I was thinking about fleeing back to Germany the moment I got away from Pietro’s claws. Forget all this craziness and just return to being a student, with a new blood craving. But I think academia is pumped up to be more than it really is. What good are all the fancy titles without being on the battle ground? I’ve done my fair share of studying, it’s time I apply my knowledge for the common good, and this seems like the perfect cause to do so. Now that we know they are okay; I have no reason to go back. (Turns to Bonnie and Damon) Don’t panic, I’m not planning to stay here. As soon as we take care of this, I’m going back home to NYC; I really miss it.

BONNIE: (Smiles) We’re not panicking. And you can stay here for as long as you need.

CAROLINE: Okay, just so we are all aligned. We’ll get Klaus to compel Pietro, but how exactly are we going to get to Pietro? We can’t have Klaus show up at his house and be like: hello, I’m going to compel you now…

STEFAN: We’ll make sure he’s alone and lure him outside. Then Klaus, Damon and I, will take it from there. Three against one, should be a piece of cake.

DAMON: Sounds like a plan. Now, on to a crucial matter. (Turns to Bonnie) First time having my mother-in-law over for dinner, what should be the menu?

BONNIE: (Smirks) Whatever you want will be perfect.

DAMON: How about Italian? Play it safe...

BONNIE: Ooh, gnocchi arrabbiata?

DAMON: Perfetto!

CAROLINE: (Giddy) Aw, I love domestic Bamon!

DAMON: Don’t think you are just going to stand and watch, you are all helping!

The only one that gets a free pass is Bonnie, she has somewhere to go.

BONNIE: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about that…

CAROLINE: Bon, are you sure you don’t want one of us to come with you?

BONNIE: I’m sure. Thank you, Care. I’m gonna head out now before it gets late. I won’t be long (kisses Damon). 

I love you...

DAMON: I love you too. Head message me if you need anything.

BONNIE: I will (she leaves).

STEFAN: (To Damon) Are you okay?

DAMON: I’ll be fine when I know she’s fine…

CAROLINE: I still can’t believe he’s back! He better have a damn good explanation, otherwise I’m going to send him right back where he came from!

DAMON: You and me both, Blondie... 

Alright, I need to keep my mind busy, so let’s get to work. Making gnocchi is a mission on its own!

 TVD 10x02 (part 2) coming soon. Hope you stop by, read, and enjoy! =)

[fmdtaeyong]

restructuring update prompts

a prologue to officially re-introducing ash kwon // aka i decided to re-do this because i changed some parts of ash’s backstory and established career claims after i did this the first time and half of this wasn’t really true anymore rip

also there’s nowhere for me to put this in the answers anymore so i’ll put it here: circles is ash’s best song

content warning: mentions of alcohol abuse and drug use / abuse, but none of it is in-depth

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different?

for the most part, ash’s general personality and character has stayed the same. he’s the same angsty, creative, romantic dude at heart, but he’s a little more jaded in some ways.

ash moved around before he became a trainee now. he lived in san francisco, sydney, and seattle. when he lived in sydney, it was just him and his mom and he grew really close to her during that time. he doesn’t really feel like he has a home at all since seoul is the longest he’s ever lived somewhere, but he’s less happy so that’s not home either.

ash is a better technical singer now ig, being a main vocal. he focused more on singing as a trainee now instead of dancing. his ankle injury in 2018 was a little more serious now, which is why he doesn’t dance much in his solo music anymore. it’s also why he’s less interested in dance, but, at the same time, i think it leaves more potential for him to re-develop some love for it again.

he’s also now the maknae, although it’s a common joke in the fandom that he doesn’t act like it. he debuted a year and three months younger than before and he feels a lot more beholden to the industry now. has even less of an idea of what he’d be outside of it at this point, even though he got closer to actually leaving it than previous ash ever did.

he’s still had a couple of minor attitude controversies in titan’s early days caused by cultural differences. he was in public relationships in 2016 and 2019. neither were received well for their own reasons. his clubbing habit has gotten him into some controversy, though bc has never issued a statement on it beyond that one time they had to confirm the woman in a picture of him clubbing was his girlfriend because people were trying to accuse him of cheating. he has a passionate anti gallery and obsessive sasaengs that make his life a living hell.

since renewing his contract, ash has also had a few hiatuses of varying lengths due to his physical or mental health. this was true before with how he naturally developed, but it’s more tied together now as a result of generally poor physical and mental health he’s been experiencing for a few years now after his dating scandals and his ankle injury in 2018.

his image is more streamlined now too! he never really had the era of being pushed as a cleancut boyfriend that old ash had around 2018. he’s been marketed as a musical genius / sexy bad boy rockstar / artist with a tortured soul for as long as he’s been majorly pushed individually. this means he’s still very sexualized, but he hates his image a little less because he can be a little more himself as far as personal style and self-expression through tattoos and piercings goes.

what does your muse think of their company and their group?

this hasn’t really changed. ash has no real love for bc entertainment and wouldn’t really care if titan disbanded tomorrow. some of their music is good and some isn’t (though he considers less of it terrible without wolf and gorilla in the mix lmao), but he feels he’s mostly outgrown it as an artist. not that it’s below him, but it’s not what he connects with creatively, which is far more important to him now than it had been when he’d first debuted. he doesn’t hold ill will toward his groupmates unless he feels they’ve given him an individual reason to, and actually feels more guilty toward them for getting involved in scandals and taking hiatuses more than anything, but they’re also not his best friends. he views titan as a purely work endeavor and he doesn’t feel bad about the fact he got about as close as possible to leaving them without actually doing so that he could back during contract renewals. after all, they’d be fine without him. he’s a main vocal, but they’ve got two others. he’s a dancer, but they’ve got two others. he can write music, but titan has never been his main priority there and others are more than capable of doing it. he wants out of both the group and the company but is starkly aware of the fact that he did this to himself when he re-signed out of what he now perceives to have been impulse and greed.

since titan is the seniormost active group under bc, ash tries to be a good senior to his company juniors in general, but there are certainly more welcoming alternatives than him. he worries about them from a distance more than anything else.

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract?

he’s on his second contract and he definitely regrets renewing. he hadn’t planned to renew for the longest time the lack of privacy and the public criticism and the hate he’d received were just too much, and he had plans that would require him to stop being an active idol, namely marrying his girlfriend of two and a half years at the time. their relationship wasn’t stable enough at the time for that to be a good idea and that was proven when they broke up shortly before final negotiations for contract renewals, but ash wanted an excuse to escape and the idea of a happy, normal life more than he wanted to be rational.

spite after the (very brief lmao) break up was part of his decision to renew, but bc entertainment also offered to support him as a songwriter and producer in addition to allowing him to regularly release solo music. he still really loved music and his first taste of promoting as a solo artist had been right before renewals as a proposal to sway him into re-signing, so he was swayed to sign on for seven more years. they followed through on their promises, but he struggles to weigh the recognition he’s earned as a solo artist and songwriter-producer against signing his life away again and doing a number on his physicla and mental health. most of his health issues and his hiatuses have happened during his second contract, as well as several behind-the-scenes situations that could have become scandals if they’d had any less luck, mostly stemming from ash drinking too much and his occasional recreational drug use, so he’s not sure bc even really feels the contract renewal was entirely worth it.

what are your muse’s goals and motivations?

if you asked ash this, he wouldn’t know what to answer. he doesn’t feel very motivated these days and pretty much feels like he only does anything because he’s contractually obligated to. making music as a form of expression has long been his main drive, and beyond that, the desire to make a mark on the world he can be remembered by through his music, but he often oscillates now between feeling like there’s not much more he can realistically achieve and the sense of hopelessness that he can try as hard as he wants, but his music’s never going to be what he’s defined by when he’s a public figure with an image.

he also feels a duty to make his parents proud. though i could argue that might be less now than it was in the previous iteration of ash, it’s still very much there. they let him come to seoul when he’d just turned thirteen to follow a dream that many never get to follow all the way through to the end and they believed in him fully. they express how proud they are of him when they do talk, but he doesn’t know that he believes them. he doesn’t feel that anything he’s done has been deserving of paying them back for everything they’ve given to him.

right now, he wants to be able to feel excited about his life and what he’s making again. he’s trying to better himself internally in regards to the way he views himself and his mental health, although he’s more prone to still taking steps backwards there than he was at this point previously. a lot of the ways ash has found to feel that excitement and creativity he wants (such as recreational drugs and excessive alcohol consumption and fleeting, sometimes toxic, relationships) do damage to his mental wellbeing, so it’s a balancing act at the moment.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future?

i covered this partially with the last one, but one major conflict remains his internal conflict about his passion for music. this was very much where ash was before as well, but now that i’m really pushing songwriting and producing as his main career path, it presents a more equal professional and personal challenge for him.

more than having truly lost joy in making music, he’s burnt out. his latest album lovesick was emotionally exhausting because it was a partially rushed, deeply personal and vulnerable album exclusively based on an unhealthy relationship that had stretched its hold on him out over for almost six years, and then he went into making music that he couldn’t relate to at all and didn’t really fit his image all because bc thought it would sell well.

the burn out in his personal life has affected the burn out in his professional life he would be feeling anyway and made it ten times worse. it feels more hopeless because he doesn’t have much else going for him. in the past few months, his relationship with alcohol and drugs also reverted back to unhealthy after he was doing better with it for a while, not helped by a really bad stint with his mental health. all of this was at its worse in june before he went on hiatus, and in this universe, his behavior was more of a factor in his hiatus than him practically begging to leave the group because ash is more resigned to the fact that he chose to sign back on with bc and that that’s on him. instead, there was more of a push by his manager, who knew that ash was on the road to a major scandal if action wasn’t taken.

almost all of his conflicts are internal right now. he’s become successful enough that external factors other than the large umbrella of having to remain in titan can be negotiated, but he’s too tired to do so because of everything going on inside of him. there’s a lot of negative feelings going on inside of him, and he’s trying to deal with them one by one, but it’s hard to see the weight of them easing that way.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.

ash has been able to establish himself a little more as a songwriter and producer outside of his solo music. he wrote “universe” for titan in 2017, and after that, as promised, bc hooking him up with the right opportunities and connections to establish himself more. since then, in addition to his heavy involvement in his solo music (his 2020 album lovesick was entirely written/composed/produced by him alone), he’s worked on calypso’s “rollin’” in 2018, polaris’s “fake love” (a korean music awards song of the year!) and “the truth untold” in 2019, and lily’s “i’m so sick” this year. i’m planning on more being added there with these extra ecp and maybe some refunded since i think i’m going to drop some of his points claims to streamline his career better.

his canon discography creative claims reflect his progression as a songwriter, from very earnest and romantic to more sensual to very uhhh angsty and personal to developing a more polished and professional sound as he grew in experience as a songwriter and producer.

ash is praised for having several representative works as a songwriter that all speak to his individual style, and ash is happy with what he’s gotten to do since he does genuinely enjoy working as a songwriter and producer.

he’s planning to continue branching out in this direction, so look for quite a lot of ash dabbling in canon discographies in the future. before, i’d say ash’s primary push was solo music, but my plan for him is for songwriting and producing to be his main career path from now on with solo music as a close secondary.

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Always Waiting: The Cost of Never Being Done

Hi all,

I kept waiting for a time when I felt like I had time and energy to write and...surprise! It turns out that's not just around the corner when you have a chronic illness and are still working full time (not to mention trying to keep up a social life and maintain all your relationships). But I figure some information is better than none at all, so I'll get through what I can. 

You all remember (I think) that I went to Dana-Farber after my December CT scans showed significant growth of my primary tumor despite the metastatic sites holding steady. I came out of that meeting with two recommendations for clinical trials. One--my top pick--was being run out of Massachusetts General Hospital and Dana-Farber and involved an antibody-drug conjugate (IMMU-132) that has been shown to be super effective for triple-negative breast cancer but which got held up at the FDA approval stage. Doctors are pretty frustrated that the approval is still pending and that the only way to use it is on a trial, but there's hope that it might get approved in the next 6-9 months. The other is being run out of UPenn by the same doctor whose study I was on before and who I really like. It looks at the effect of chemo + an immunological agent vs. just chemo.

There were several reasons to prefer the MGH study (even though it would have necessitated traveling to Boston during the coldest months of the year), among them that I wouldn't have to endure chemotherapy as part of the trial. And it looked for a while as though I was going to be able to join it. It wasn't actively enrolling but there was a spot. I waited, in the days right before Christmas, to hear. And my doctors all worked hard, calling the PI and discussing the option of enrollment at either location. But it didn't work out. Another patient made exactly the same call I would have made--and I cannot fault them for that--and I am several places down on the waiting list. Spots open up when people leave the study, so presumably when their disease worsens or a better treatment option opens up. It only happens every couple of months. Doing the math, it seemed more likely that the drug would get approved by the FDA than that I would get to enroll.

I was pretty angry. And it was hard because there was no single person to be angry at. Not at my doctors, all of whom knew my preference, did all they could, and gave sincere apologies when it didn't work out. And not at the other patient who took the chance that I so hoped I'd be given. If anything, I was angry at the FDA for not approving the drug faster, or at whoever was funding the study for not allowing there to be more than 68 patients on it at any given time. The fact that groundbreaking, life-saving medical research is also a business constantly makes me angry. Sometimes it works in my favor (IMMU-132 will likely get fast-tracked on its second go through the FDA because someone will make money) and sometimes it doesn't (why fund more spots than you need on a clinical trial just because people want to be in it?).

So then there was more waiting. So much of having Stage 4 cancer is a waiting game. Waiting for promising new research directions. Waiting for that research to get funded. Waiting for those studies to enroll and complete. Waiting for FDA approval. Waiting for insurance approval. And, the biggest one by far, waiting to see if it works.

I was home for the holidays, not meant to see an oncologist until mid-January. A third option was proposed, which was staying on the study I had been doing with the PARP inhibitors but first doing a short course of radiation on the breast tumor. When I got home at New Year's I booked in to a radiology consultation, even though I felt a suspicion that it wasn't the best option. (Several oncologists told me that if the PARP inhibitors had stopped working on the initial tumor it was only a matter of time--and likely not much of it--before they stopped working on the metastatic sites too.) After spending nearly an hour with yet another very helpful doctor who had studied the whole history of my case (and a little bit of my research, once I told him what to Google) I saw that I was right. A tumor this size, he said, would only benefit from a pretty lengthy radiation course and we only had a grace period of 2 weeks for me to get back on the PARP study. He reminded me that it would be an option later and wishes me luck.

I'd like to pause here to do something I haven't done before and ask you all a favor. I understand exactly why this happens but please, to help me out, don't ask anymore about why I am not (yet) having surgery or radiation on the tumor. Yes, the primary tumor is the biggest and nastiest and pains me every day. You can be sure I'm also asking that question of my doctors, not only when there's a treatment change but when I tell them that it's hurting me. I know that it seems simplest to just cut it out (even if this means altering my body in a way that I am not eager to do) or try to shrink it. And I know that's why people ask. All the time. ALL the time. Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling defensive--do they not know that I have thought of this option every single day as I carry around the painful, swollen weight of a 6cm tumor?--and like I have to justify my decision. I imagine one or both those things will happen immediately. I have many (medical) reasons for not doing them yet. When I decide to do them, you will know and I will tell you more about why. But it would make me feel a lot better if I knew people weren't going to keep asking. Thank you.

Ok, back to what happened one I decided that radiation was out. Essentially, last week I officially consented to the study that's at Penn and that involves chemo. My first session will be on January 30th. I'll be going every 3 weeks. The agent I'm receiving is one of the oldest (carboplatin) and will be given in a higher dosage than when I went every week. This means it's likely to make me sicker. (The doctors did say that I'd feel worst on days 2-5 and better as the cycle wore on.) No one told me that people tolerate this one especially well and, having been so relatively lucky with side effects before, my worst-case-scenario brain assumes my luck will now be bad and that I will really struggle, lose all my hair, not be able to work, etc. Unhelpfully, although they can speak in averages, no one can predict how anyone will react to chemo. So just...wait. As usual.

To join the study, of course, there are a great many hoops all of which involve trips to Philly. I had a biopsy yesterday (Wednesday) and am spending tomorrow (Friday) getting CT and bone scans. There was an ongoing fight with my insurance company today when I got a phone call first thing in the morning telling me that they had canceled tomorrow's CTs because I didn't have authorization. Without authorization, no CT. Without a CT, no joining the study. Without joining the study, no starting chemo on time (lots of rearranging of my work and ride/support schedule). Lucky for me, my doctor's office was the one to do the calling and arguing. But it's frankly absurd to deny authorization for a CT scan to a documented Stage 4 cancer patient. I cannot even imagine what further information they would need for that one. And if I hadn't been joining a trial there would have been no rush and, likely, I would have been the one calling. The amount of admin involved in being chronically ill is frankly staggering. The end result, luckily, is that I am going in tomorrow.

And that's why I must get to bed. I know I make it sound like swinging by the hospital for a biopsy is no big deal - it's an outpatient procedure with only local anesthetic! I ate Shake Shack afterwards and went to work today! But, in fact, it's stressful to the body as well as the spirit to be on an operating table, numbed up with local anesthetic, and pierced in the lymph node or breast by an ultrasound-guided needle ten times (because you are doing so many studies and they all need research samples). The scans tomorrow will be easier - all I have to do is not eat beforehand, drink barium, lie in an x-ray contraption while having contrast dye injected through the port that's plumbed into my artery...then take a break before being injected with a radioactive tracer that will infuse my bones for a couple hours until I lie perfectly still and have them imaged. Easy, right?

I like to say that this stuff is no big deal--that it's just a lot of waiting in different places. And that's true, to an extent. The CTs don't hurt and they aren't physically demanding (although I'm not great at drinking that much barium milkshake that fast). The bone scan is kind of cool and I plan to wear my "Biohazard" t-shirt. But my normalization of the massive apparatus surrounding being ill and my incorporation of it into my everyday life does, I think, minimize the physical as well as emotional toll I pay each time I have a test or treatment. Not only are those reminders of the insidious disease that has taken so much of my life from my control--I'm not even thinking about that consciously most of the time--it's just all so relentless. There's always another call to make, appointment to keep, symptom to track, bill to pay, person to text or call. I am never, ever done.

On that last item, I do often feel burdened with guilt. I want support, but don't feel that I can always pay it back in the form of updates or thanks to those who so generously give it. But I do hope you all know that I'm here, appreciating each and every piece of it that I get. Social media may not be great for some things but it is wonderful for the small kindnesses that can buoy me up on a tougher day. This has been one, so I'm off to bed. But I send you gratitude and love.

Bex

[greenishbucket]

Three Lovers’ Day

for @aerialbots, part of @zutaraangtastic valentines exchange. happy valentines! ⭐ ao3

Approximately two thousand years (otherwise known as a little while) into their journey, their borrowed carriage is already a place of moderate motion sickness, madness, and mayhem.

It’s been quiet for a while, leaving the energies of nausea, boredom and hysteria to just linger, which sucks. Aang doesn’t want things lingering, he wants things moving, and going, and all of that. So he takes a deep breath and relishes watching Zuko and Katara both realise what he’s about to say. Again. “I spy, with my–”

Katara sweetly clamps a hand over his mouth before he can finish. “No more,” she says firmly. “No more I spy.”

“But I love I spy,” is Aang’s muffled protest, more for appearances than anything. He waits until Katara takes her hand away to continue, “Don’t you guys love I spy? We’ve played it so many times. And you’re both so bad at it!”

Katara shoves at him with an elbow. “Thanks for the reminder, Aang.” And then, a little more snottily, “Reminder also that it’s against the rules to spy things that are moving since, you know, we’re in a moving carriage?”

“I disagree with that rule. In my day–”

“Exactly why we shouldn’t play it again,” Zuko interrupts, tone all that’s that. “Anyway, what else new could there be for your eyes to spy? There’s not even anything that interesting around here.”

Aang replies, “Aw, Zuko, you’re plenty interesting. Super interesting,” and it comes out somehow more mocking and more sincere than he’d intended, which was not the plan. He blames being stuck in this carriage, with the prospect of a day and a half’s more travel ahead, plus their wider plan knocked all out of place.

“Uh, thanks?” says Zuko, and he sounds suspicious but then has the nerve to do his own fond not-smile thing.

“At least as interesting as these mountains,” Katara agrees, nodding, like Zuko hasn’t been complaining all day how boring the mountains are. Considering she’s the one contributing the most to the motion sickness energy of their carriage it’s a pretty good one.

This time Zuko snorts then does the fond not-smile. “Okay, thanks, I get the idea.”

He turns from where he’s sitting half inside the seating area of the carriage and half on the tiny steering seat, like that’s a normal thing to do, to check their trusty steed is doing all right. Katara pulls out the map in weary anticipation, moments before Zuko calls back, “Wait, can someone check on the map which way and how far it is to Omashu again? I don’t think this one takes directions very well.”

-

So, the plan.

The plan specifically for stage seven, step eight of his and Katara’s courting program – also known as the ‘how to convince Zuko it’s okay to like both of us and do something about it, or let us do something about it, and then keep doing something about it’ program because Zuko might think he’s being subtle, but it’s not subtle enough – had initially been vastly different to their current situation, as Aang recalls.

The general idea was this: plenty of joking and teasing to ease Zuko into an implicitly romantic meal on Two Lovers’ Day. At sunset. On a balcony hopefully, maybe with music and/or a dance floor to hand. He and Katara would allow some room for figuring things out as they went, obviously.

Conveniently, they’d all been invited as diplomats (or esteemed guests, or whatever the exact wording was this time) to Omashu’s annual celebrations for the day, more recently with an added focus on unity between nations. They were held each year the day following Two Lovers’ Day, conveniently again, probably because people were usually busy doing other things on Two Lover’s Day, Aang guessed.

Far less conveniently, Appa had fallen ill with sky fever just after they’d set off for their trip. Aang had always figured Appa had had it when he was young, like most sky bison did, and in the ensuing hundred years Aang had just forgotten it, but as he got more and more wheezy, grumpy, and generally feverish, they’d had no choice but to make an emergency stop in the nearest settlement.

The teeny tiny settlement had provided them with one very competent and helpful physician, a hopefully trustworthy enough place for Appa to rest and be cared for even if it made Aang’s skin crawl to leave him, and exactly one ageing, possibly confused ostrich horse plus rickety carriage to complete their journey to Omashu.

With time running out to avoid both spitting on the Earth Nation’s diplomatically-extended hand and missing what seemed a prime stage seven, step eight opportunity, there hadn’t appeared to be much choice. But now here they are, one day of travel in, still half a day’s or another night’s interrupted-sleep travel from Omashu, Two Lovers’ Day officially a-go for people not in a carriage, and Aang can’t help but wonder if they made the wrong decision.

“It’s a wonderful sunset,” Aang hears Katara say as she watches, no doubt with the same wistful feeling Aang is, the sky turning pink over the mountaintops.

Aang is taking his turn to steer their unsteerable ostrich horse, who he has creatively named Ostrich-Horse, so luckily he doesn’t have to say anything.

It’s an amazing sunset; a perfect, storybook end to Two Lovers’ Day. It’s just bittersweet. They got to spend the day together, which was nice. There’s no rush obviously, either, since Aang is planning on sticking with Zuko and Katara as long as they’ll have him and he and Katara are almost completely entirely sure they’ve read Zuko’s weirdness correctly as not a fleeting thing, but still. It would’ve been nice to make a step forward with that whole thing today and get a nice evening out of it.

“Really beautiful,” Zuko agrees, completely oblivious.

-

Once it’s dark and the question of food comes up, Katara puts her foot down and they take a break from the rickety cart to eat on solid, unmoving ground. They make sure their sweet elderly fidgety Ostrich-Horse takes the opportunity to rest and eat, too, without the weight of the harness.

When they locate themselves on the map, Aang is surprised to see it turns out they’ve made good enough time that they can relax where they are for a bit before getting back on the road – or the mountain pass, whatever – to make tomorrow’s festivities and diplomacies in time, so the three of them all lean against the same boulder to eat and enjoy the stars.

Even though earlier that same day they’d all at one point or another declared intentions to unhook the carriage from Ostrich-Horse and leave the other two behind, just to have some personal space again. What Aang wouldn’t give to have done this trip before his growth spurt. It is colder with the sun gone though, up in the mountains, and Aang isn’t going to complain about having Katara cuddled up to him on one side and Zuko on the other even if he needs to do some serious stretching at some point soon.

“Sorry you didn’t get to have a Two Lovers’ Day,” Zuko says suddenly, just as Aang is starting to think maybe they should get going again, breaking the almost peaceful quiet.

Zuko saying something like this didn’t come up in Aang or Katara’s plans, probably because they hadn’t foreseen spending the day with Zuko without it being Spending The Day With Zuko. Ostrich-Horse makes a squawking sound, like some kind of protest to Zuko’s apology, which Aang appreciates for its succinctness. Good, intelligent steed.

“Shut up,” says Katara, while Aang is still distracted watching Ostrich-Horse snuffle and scratch and potter about. “It’s just a day. There are plenty more.”

Zuko shifts uncomfortably and starts, “But–”

“No buts,” says Aang.

“But–” Zuko tries anyway.

Katara gets to her feet, cutting Zuko off and leaving Aang scrambling to suddenly right himself, grabbing Zuko’s wrist for support. Zuko looks down at Aang’s hand like he’s never seen it before. So, so not subtle, but he and Katara had made a long-term plan so they wouldn’t be pushing Zuko, so Aang doesn’t push.

“You’re a fine person to spend Two Lovers’ Day with, don’t worry,” Aang reassures him instead, unable to get a read on Katara without her facing them. “We would’ve just been in Omashu anyway, and we had a good day, right?”

“Yeah, but–”

Apparently, Katara has decided to speed up the plan considerably, because she turns back and sits directly opposite Zuko and says, clearly and decisively, “Zuko, we would have chosen to spend the day with you, even if we were in Omashu as planned. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Zuko blinks. And blinks. “Maybe?” he says, sounding not sure at all and after a considerable pause. Zuko looks down at where Aang hasn’t moved his hand from his wrist and says, with a little more confidence, “Possibly?”

Feeling daring, Aang moves his hand down so it’s resting over Zuko’s. Like, they could be holding hands if they went for it. “Don’t act dumber than you are,” Aang says to cover up for the fact that, to him at least, this is a very massive step.

“Hey! I’m not,” Zuko says, looking from Aang to Katara and back again. “I think I maybe do understand what you’re saying?”

It’s very clearly phrased as a question, and no doubt they’ll need to do some talking once they’re in the cramped little carriage on their way again, but it’s basically it. They’ve basically jumped all the way from stage seven, step eight, to the end goal. Aang watches Katara come to this realisation at the same time as him and doesn’t try to hold back a smile that feels wide enough to be a mirror image of hers.

“Well, until you’re sure,” says Katara, and when she leans in it’s only to kiss Zuko’s cheek before getting to her feet again, not that Aang would know it if his own eyes hadn’t seen it for how dazed Zuko looks. Aang holds Zuko’s hand properly for a moment, because he wants to and in a show of moral support because he knows what a kiss on the cheek from Katara can do, then kisses Zuko’s other cheek and gets to his feet as well.

Katara is looking out into the darkness again, but this time the cause is far less mysterious. Aang looks from their little carriage to Katara, to Zuko and into the looming darkness surrounding them, then summons some flames to light the way.

Already knowing they were all far too wrapped up in their own business for any luck, he asks, “Anyone see where Ostrich-Horse went?”

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[chrisbbaegopayo]

Hold Your Breath (Stray Kids: Stalker AU) ➻ Prologue

Genre: Thriller, Angst, Gore, Mystery, Suspense Characters: Stray Kids, OCs Word Count: 2.4k Warning: This story will contain elements of gore, on- and off-screen abuse, torture, mental illness, and stalking. It will feature themes that are not suitable for all ages, readers discretion is advised. Each chapter will have its own specific warning.

The story takes place in the main character's third year of university. The prologue will detail information before the story takes place.

Chapters: Premise | 01 Prologue | 02 Chapter one | 03 Chapter two | Chapter three (part 1) | Chapter three (part 2)

------

The day had gone completely how she expected—a roster of classes, school work, and downtime. Her mundane life, for lack of a better word, was ordinarily plain. When classes end, she would find herself in a deep pit of homework. When the weekends rolled by, and when all her school work had been done and filed, she would marathon her favourite movies on Netflix. Oftentimes, she would be in the company of her best friend, Jisung, and the two would tackle her long and seemingly endless list of need-to-watch television shows and films.

Her life was as ordinary as it could get, and she wouldn't have it any other way. The school year had started off without a hitch, and with her organized lifestyle, graduation didn't seem too far away nor impossible. Her first year at the university came as fast as passed, followed by her second year, which flew past her just as fast. She maintained her average all throughout her academic career and was an overall great student. She enjoyed her classes almost as much as her teachers appreciated her as a student.

However, what she didn’t account for was the introduction of random gifts that had found themselves in her locker that she rented, and although a kind gesture, the sender seemed quite persistent. She had never used any of the presents she was given and opened a couple before she left them inside her locker altogether. The first one arrived a year prior, during exams, at first, she thought it was her friends, but upon opening the presents, she quickly scratched that out considering how unrelated it was to her school life.

She also asked some classmates if they had seen the person who placed the presents in her locker, but no one had seen anything of the sort. After that, friends often teased her for it, all in good fun, of course. Supposed that she did laugh along with them, part of her felt a little unsettled by the entire ordeal. However, she chalked that up to mere paranoia and brushed it off.

Days had passed since she received her first present and for a long time, it had been radio silence. And then the week after that, she received another present. It seemed innocent enough, just lying there inside her locker, waiting for her to open it. She thought about it for a moment but decided against it. It would wait until she finished classes.

The present had been innocent enough like she had thought, and like the previous present that she had received, she made sure she never used it, preferring to keep it at the back of her locker. The present never harboured any malicious intent end it was just like any other present that people would receive, but the unsettling undertone of the presents bothered her nonetheless.

The presents just kept on coming every single week and she kept on having to open them and storing them in the back of her locker every week as it came. She never noticed a pattern in the present, until one day, one of the presents was accompanied by a letter.

It was the most unsettling letter she had ever received.

The content of the letter read as follows:

“You blew my mind ever since I laid my eyes on you. Some things need not be said, but I think it’s plainly obvious that I am very taken by you, your appearance, and your soul. But, as every gift I endowed you with goes unnoticed, untouched, and uncared for, it stands to reason that you don’t feel the same…

...but no matter, I’ll make you mine. But in the meantime, I’ll continue to shower you with gifts all the same, hopefully, you’ll come to love them as much as I love you.”

Every word seemed heavy in her mind, her heart pace quickened as she realized what she had been reading. It wasn’t just some regular letter from a secret admirer, this was written wÇith intent. She wasn’t sure whether the person who wrote this letter would act upon his words, but one thing was for sure, it wasn’t normal.

This guy wasn’t normal.

But at the same time, she didn’t need to invoke this guy’s ire just because of a hunch. Perhaps someone was pulling a prank on her, and decided to go with some really creepy prose. She wasn’t going to sit idly and let whatever happen just happen—that was how people die during creepy horror movies—she would be on alert, and at the same time, keep others from being involved in this. Plus, if her friends saw this, they would either report this or maybe tease her because, look, such bad prose. Who wrote this anyway? Someone obviously spent a little too long watching creepy stalker movies or something—although that would account to teasing the guy who wrote it, not really her—but regardless.

Hence.

She would put this at the back of her locker, like the rest of her gifts from him. She hoped that someone just randomly chose her as the victim of a bad prank and nothing more—trying to elicit a response from her. If it was, it was an elaborate one and hopefully, after this creepy letter, she would go about her normal life.

Little did she know that while she was a victim, this would be no prank, and the presents would just keep coming, as the letter suggested. Despite that, though, her life had been rather blissful, and the presents would only be limited to her school life. Everything else was still her sanctuary, and only she would know of the entire ordeal. She would still go about her every day seemingly unaffected by this new addition in her life because she didn’t know for certain whether it would develop into a problem she couldn’t handle.

Regardless, she never told anyone, not even her best friend. It’s her problem—no one else’s.

And true to the letter, the presents kept on coming, and coming, and coming. It bothered her and wore her down seeing her locked filled with presents every week. They weren’t cheap presents either, they looked like they might have cost the person a pretty dime or two—money that could have been spent on other things, not on her, knowing that she would never use them properly.

She decided to write her own little letter as a way to tackle the buildup of things she didn’t use. In which she told the sender to stop leaving her presents as it was a little too much—obviously, calling it a little seemed like an understatement as it was quite clear that the abundance of wrapped boxes because a major portion of what hogged up her space, leaving her with little room to maneuver through her own things previously-stored in there.

Hopefully, the person would get the message and let up the excessive gift-giving, and maybe even put an end to this entire silly ordeal—of course, only she would call it silly—she crossed her fingers and hoped for the best, as it really was the only thing she could do at this point.

She tore a page from her notebook and wrote, “whoever has been sending me gifts, please stop. While I appreciate the sentiment, it’s a little too much.”

She stared at the note she just wrote, and for a long time, wasn’t sure whether it would come off as strange or even rude. In the end, she contributed her anxiety to overthinking. She would leave the little note in her locker for next time the gift-bearer left something in her locker. She folded the note in half, and then in half again, and on the front-facing surface, she wrote, “to my anonymous gift-bearer.”

She felt a little silly about having to do this. It’s like she was asking for more interaction from the anonymous gift-bearer. However, what was done was done, and she wouldn’t twist herself into a mess thinking about it further. It was a step in the right direction, she hoped.

With that thought, she closed the door on her locker and then left. Hopefully, tomorrow would be a better day and she wouldn’t have to deal with a reply. Or more presents. Both would be great, together.

Her dubbed “anonymous gift-bearer” never got her note.

Her friends discovered her note the day after during one of their routine debriefing sessions in the mornings. The curiosity was almost immediate as she tried to stop her friends from taking it, but was unable to do so. There was a moment of silence and suspense after her friends glanced through the note, and she wanted to hide. The last thing she wanted to do was to make her problem everyone else’s problem.

Her friends looked up from the note, the concern deeply evident on their faces, and it wasn’t one of those superficial expressions—their deep disturbance embedded within the looks of concerns, to varying degrees spread across each other her friends’ faces. It was official, if she didn’t defuse the situation immediately, they would start some form of intervention. And she did not need an intervention at this point in time. She was never really that good with lying under pressure—she was worried that she would say the wrong things at the wrong time. If she knew what her friends were capable of, they’d hire bodyguards or something.

Okay, not that extreme. They would probably bug the door, put a hidden camera in there. But then again, none of them were ever tech-savvy enough to deal with this kind of thing.

That wasn’t the point here, obviously.

The bottom line was that she didn’t need her friends to become needlessly worried about something that might just turn out to be some stupid prank that some kid did for fun. Regardless, she’d rather deal with this situation herself than to involve her friends. And should this be some malicious intent—if that letter from the gift-bearer was any indication—it would put her friends in harm’s way.

There was no way she could do that.

“It’s nothing,” she began confidently, as she hoped that her voice would be strong enough to put any concern away.

“Don’t worry.”

That did little to dissuade their concern, and the wary stares only turned grimmer. This was not what she wanted.

“Really, really, I have it under control. I’m pretty sure it’s a bad prank.” She tried again, although this time, the confidence seemed to waver.

That response seemed to be the one to put her friends at ease, although the worrying stares did not part their ways with her friends’ faces. It was still there, although they seemed a little more satisfied with her answer this time. However, her relief was short-lived as the friend who stood in front of her spoke up, still clearly on edge.

“Look, I respect your need to do this by yourself,” her friend said, “and I get that you’re trying to only contain the mess, because honestly if I know one thing about you, it’s that you hate to cause trouble for other people. But this is a hell of a problem is you have to physically write a note to this creepy stalker of yours. Or secret admirer, if we’re using kid-friendly terms, and trust me, this doesn’t even feel like it would be…”

There were a few chuckles.

“What I’m trying to say here is: if this guy or whatever he or she is, has to be lulled to his or her senses through your writing a letter, or in this case, a note, then this is far beyond what you should be handling yourself. But if you want to do it this way, then fine, but don’t forget that we’re also here if you need us to deal with some really douchey guy who has a really bad taste,” she said. That got a few nods in agreement.

“I guess we could see how this turns out—we’ll play it by ear, this one,” she finished.

Another friend spoke up, curiosity fueled this one, “just curious, what else did this person send you?”

She froze up and tried to calm her nerves. She could not show her friends that threatening letter. That would send them over the edge. No, no, no, no, no.

“Nothing. Just presents,” she quickly replied. She was hopeful it did okay to satiate that curiosity. “Really. Just not school-related gifts, I mean, honestly.”

If her friends were put-off by her answer, they didn’t voice it. But it was darn evident on their faces. And she was thankful they didn’t pursue that path of questioning.

“Come on, let’s head home? Ice cream on the way home?” She asked, trying to lighten up the mood. Her friends agreed.

She sighed—one hurdle crossed, time for round two.

At the same time, she did little to really analyze the situation. Her kind nature only put more strain on herself as a result, and her eagerness to keep her own problems to herself only solidified her future interactions with her so-called gift-bearer. Though if she had told her friends, the situation might have gone very differently.

She might have just guaranteed that her path crossed with her secret admirer.

The seconds were ticking past like a bomb on a timer, and every second that passed by was like a second forward towards her very own undoing. She knew what it seemed like in the movies, she knew how it went, but yet, what would she have done differently to discourage her admirer?

Her words had already left a mark. The note was never delivered, and the gift-bearer never got the message. The note disappeared after a while, and while she assumed that the gift-bearer had taken it. Her assumptions were well-grounded, but she never got a reply, nor did the gifts seem any less frequent for the next few days. A bitter feeling welled up inside of her, and she thought it would be best to just ignore it altogether.

She didn’t even open the packages for the next few presents. She pretended not to see them and pretended that they don’t exist. It wasn’t like the school would be able to set up some hidden cameras that would catch the perpetrator red-handed. The school wasn’t rich by any means, and any attempts at reporting anything would end up being waved away—she knew this, and she figured that the gift-bearer knew that as well.

However, things seemed to have let up after a few months as the presents became less frequent. The semester came to an unsatisfying end, and she couldn’t help but sigh in relief—if anything, she would be glad to know that the gift-sessions would come to an end, she hoped.

But it didn't, she would come to learn. It was the beginning of her descent to hell.

--------

Sorry for the long hiatus, I sorta just disappeared. However, this is the beginning of this fic—the one I wrote a premise to a long time ago (read: a year ago). Please stay tuned every week for updates!

[allie-and-her-fandoms]

Our Silly Sick Days - Part One

AN: Hey guys! Now that I am officially done with the first year of college, I'm back to writing, and this time I chose my favorite, underestimated Fairy Tail ship, AlBis (it's also my first FT fic, yay!!). Before we get into the story, huge shout outs to @sweetmemories2606, who may have gotten diabetes from this fic (sorry not sorry Lu; you asked for this) and @ship-ambrosia (LY, Bree). Warning: massive amounts of F&F (fun and fluff). Enjoy (or endure)!

"Al, you know that you gotta go to the doctor. It’s for your own good.” Bisca Mulan repeated, concerned for the health of none other than her best friend, partner and crush, Alzack Connell.

“I know, Bisca. I really do. But… You know how that old lady reacts when one of us goes to her for help. I don’t want to go,” he wailed. “Besides, I think I feel a bit better now – ACHOO!”

“Al, you need to go to Porlyusica, to make sure that your sickness is not life-threatening! Who am I gonna go on jobs with, if something happens?” the emerald-haired Mage scolded her partner, the same way a mother scolds her misbehaving child.

“Alright, fine! I’m going. But there is no way I’m confronting that woman by myself; she’s scarier than Erza!” Alzack stated, a shiver running down his spine, not only because of the illness he contacted after their latest job, but also because of the memory illustrating the last time he encountered the ill-tempered woman.

“Then I’m going with you! You got sick on my watch, so there’s no way I’ll let you go alone. We’d better hurry though; your fever is becoming worse.” Bisca replied, placing her palms on his cheeks. They were burning!

“Uhhh, Bisca… Didn’t we have to go somewhere?” the Gun Mage asked, realizing that his partner kept her hands on his cheeks for quite a while, intensifying the redness.

“Oh, well, um… Yeah. Let’s go to Porlyusica! The sooner you get there, the better! Yeah…” the Requip Mage babbled, embarrassed that she did not remove her hands off his cheeks sooner. However, despite the pallor of his face and the redness in his cheeks, Alzack was still pretty much the same man she fell in love with. 'He looks like a teddy bear.' Bisca told herself. Shortly after, she felt blood rushing into her own cheeks. 'What are you thinking, you dumb woman?! You need to get your partner to a doctor, ASAP!' her subconcious yelled at her, slamming her cheeks softly.

“Oi, Bisca! Are you alright? Did you get it too? Your cheeks are all red!” Al stated, worried about his blushy partner.

“Oh, no. No no no, Al! Everything is okay. I’m fine. Well… let’s go to Porlyusica’s place, shall we?” the bold cowgirl quickly replied, trying to erase her blush from her face. 'You idiot,' she thought.

--

“You two have no reasons to be worried. It seems like this man right here has just gotten the flu. Now, I’m gonna prescribe some medicines for you, so you can get out of my hut already! Pesky humans!” the pink-haired Healer muttered the last part, while preparing some tiny bottles and writing something on a sheet of paper, as she mouthed slowly how reckless one can be; she really hated to see humans in her hut!

Bisca sighed in relief. Her partner was going to be alright. “I don’t think we can thank you enough –“

“You can thank me by not putting yourselves in situations like this and by GETTING OUT OF HERE! Didn’t I tell you that I disliked the human scent?! Now get these medicines,” Porlyusica snarled as she threw some pills and herbs in Alzack’s lap – who was too scared to utter a single word – “take them at the times written on this paper,” she let the paper fly into his hands. “AND MOVE YOUR BUTTS OUT OF MY PLACE ALREADY! First, that idiot of a Master and his bunch of delinquents disappear, now this?! Give me a break already, you blasted humans!” the healer snapped, as the two young Mages ran out of her house, and slammed the door after their departure.

“Well,” Alzack finally commented, “that went better than I expected, actually. I expected her to get that broom of hers and whoop our butts out with it.”

“That’s because we didn’t wait for her to get it out, like the last time.” Bisca replied, trying to catch her breath after the mini-marathon she and her partner had to perform. 'Well, it was all worth it; it was for him, after all.' the jade-haired mage smiled fondly to herself. He was so worth it, after all the adventures they went through.

--

“Are you sure that you are feeling well? Did you get enough rest? Did you take your medicine as Porlyusica wrote you to? Are you in need of anything else?” Bisca asked worriedly, while keeping an avid eye on the stove and on the steaming pot.

It had been six days since she and her partner found out he got the flu - and from that moment on, the Requip Mage has decided to pay him at least two visits per day, just to make sure he took his medicine, got enough rest, had enough food (at least for the day), and that he didn’t feel lonely. In all honesty, she had felt the pang of solitude just as hard as her partner, or even worse. How could she not, without him by her side?!

“Yes, yes, yes, and not anymore. Trust me, Bisca, I’m fine. You should stop worrying so much about me.” Alzack replied - still a bit feverish, but with a genuine smile on his face -, as he stood on one of the dining chairs.

“Okay, good to know that. Wait… ‘not anymore’?”

Alzack felt the blood rush into his cheeks. His words left his mouth without consulting his brain. Again!

“Um… What I meant… You see… Sometimes, I do wish I were with the others in the guild hall,” he confessed, as he covered his fork with his left hand and started staring at them, so he wouldn’t have to face his partner’s concerned gaze. She had already done so much for him! “Because there are times when I feel a bit… isolated from the rest of the world, since no one ever comes here. And… Yeah.” Alzack stuttered, while his eyes were focusing on the fork he was now holding between his left index finger and his left middle one. “By the way, have you… gone on any… quick jobs lately?” he asked his partner.

“Oh. I get it.” 'So, he was indeed feeling the same emptiness she did for the last six days', Bisca nodded softly. “Also, no. I didn’t even check the Request Board. It wouldn’t feel right to go own my own, without my partner.” she answered, the last three words barely whispered, though loud enough for Alzack to hear – causing more blood to rush into his ENTIRE FACE now.

“Oh Mavis, are you okay?! Are you having a fever again?” the jade-haired Mage shrieked, ignoring the pot on the stove and rushing to check on her ebony-haired best friend.

Alzack was startled by her reaction, but a small part of his heart was leaping out of joy when she started wandering her pale smooth fingers on his flushed warm face.

“Uhhh… No; I’m fine, Bisca. I do feel much better, I promise.” He stammered, as he gave his partner a small smile. ‘Thank Mavis she thought it was a fever’, he told himself. “By the way, what’s for dinner? It smells delicious.”

“Nothing much. Just some pot-au-feu. I asked Mira for her special recipe before she went to Tenrou Island. I really hope I got it right!” she chirped.

After five more minutes of small talk and glances thrown at each other (without the other’s knowledge, of course), the food was finally done. After the plate of pot-au-feu was placed before him, Alzack could sense its heavenly scent much better, and the dish looked mouth-watering, as the carrots looked eager to melt into his mouth and as the beef was slowly, but surely,tempting him to taste it.

“Alrightie then. I guess it’s time I left now. See you tomorrow, Al!” Bisca looked at the clock, getting ready to leave and waving her partner’s way. She could’ve stayed and spent more time with him, but… No, he needed his rest! Besides, he’ll be good as new soon enough, she’ll make sure of that! So, no matter how much it pained her to leave Al all by himself (until next morning), he was her number one priority. And he needed peace! But –

“Can you please stay?” Alzack asked, interrupting Bisca’s train of thoughts, as both his and his fellow Western comrade’s eyes widened after the rather bold request was made. “I believe it would be nice to have someone to dine with. Y-You’re not forced to stay, if you don’t want to! You might also get the flu! Y-Yeah!” Alzack nodded quickly, his voice trembling. ‘What are you doing, you moron?!’, he cursed himself.

“Well, if you asked so nicely, and if you are truly okay with it, I don’t mind staying here for a bit longer. I don’t have anything left to do anyway.” Bisca approved, as a scarlet blush bloomed into her cheeks; a shade that would rival even Erza’s hair. Her heart started pounding like crazy, while her lips were curving into a soft smile.

--

When she finally sat down to eat next to her crush, they both pressed their palms against each other, thanked for the food that was waiting for them and before they started savoring the appetizing meal in front of them, they tried to grab their utensils, gently brushing each other’s forearms in the process, making both Mages to retract them at the speed of light, the blush spreading even more on their faces.

“I know I’ve already said it before, but this is one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life!” Alzack preached, after a few minutes of awkward silence, sometimes interrupted by the sound of metal utensils hitting the porcelain plates. “Compliments to the chef!” he smiled Bisca’s way, neither of them being capable to blush any more.

“Thank you. I’m really happy that you like it, Al,” she replied brightly.

“Thank you, Bisca. For everything. I just…” Alzack stopped, before humiliating himself. No, this was Bisca he was talking about. His best friend, his partner, his… soulmate. He could tell her everything, and she would patiently listen to him, give him a piece of advice, or even hug him. She always knew how to make him feel like the best man on Earthland. “I just hope I wasn’t that much of a burden to you.”

Bisca looked at her precious nakama in disbelief, thinking she might’ve misheard the words that had just left his mouth. He was her precious comrade, and the one person who always truly listened to her, and was there for her when she needed him. And for that, she was thanking those who founded Fairy Tail for giving her a family, and most importantly, for giving her the best man she could’ve asked for.

“Al, you are not a burden. We’re nakama, remember? And not only that, we’re best friends. Family. Al, now look at me.” Bisca asked Alzack, and as he complied, she wrapped him in her arms. “You are amazing, strong, compassionate and the best partner I could ask for. So please, promise me you won’t think something like this ever again.” She pleaded, her dark purple eyes gazing into his onyx ones.

A sigh left Alzack’s lips, as he found himself nodding. “Okay. I promise I won’t think about it as much.” Now it was Bisca’s turn to nod. This was still better than nothing.

“That’s good enough. For now,” she told her black-haired comrade. “Now, let me go wash these dishes and I’ll go home.”

“Okay. But you’ll let me help. Please…”

“Al…” she sighed. “Okay; but just drying the dishes. Nothing more, nothing less.”

 --

Washing dishes has never involved more fun – or more water – before for Bisca. As she started washing the utensils, Alzack accidentally sent “a few droplets” of water her way while trying to dry the dishes, which resulted in her spraying him with a bigger amount of water, the little water fight went on like this for minutes, the forks and knives long forgotten in the sink.

“Just remember to take your medicine tonight and tomorrow morning. And if you need anything else, just let me now. Okay?” Bisca asked, while getting ready to leave.

“I will, no worries. Thanks again for everything, Bisca. And see you tomorrow.” Alzack replied, waving to the leaving Requip Mage. He was indeed saddened by her leaving, but he knew he’d see her again the next morning. And maybe, in the future, he’ll see her angelic face every day, every moment. Maybe in the distant future…

AN: Hope you enjoyed this story. Any kind of feedback is more than welcome!😊😊 👆👆👆

[novellaquill]

Starling: Starting Over

—

Drabble with OC!Batsis x Batfam

Summary:

Lerina begins to doubt her decision and doubts if she can make it on her own but with help from friends she starts to enjoy her new found freedom. However, an old friend may accidentally ruin it all.

Warning: This talks about depression, mental illness, and other serious topics. If these topics make you feel uncomfortable don't read. There is also cursing.

A/N: You finally get to see what she looks like and are introduced to a new character! Young Justice are mentioned.

—

“It’s all anybody wants, right? Clean slate. A new beginning. Like that’s gonna be any easier. Ask the guy pushing the boulder up the hill. Nothing’s easy about starting over. Nothing at all.”

― Meredith Grey

“Everyone has that moment I think, the moment when something so momentous happens that it rips your very being into small pieces. And then you have to stop. For a long time, you gather your pieces. And it takes such a very long time, not to fit them back together, but to assemble them in a new way, not necessarily a better way. More, a way you can live with until you know for certain that this piece should go there, and that one there.” ― Kathleen Glasgow, Girl in Pieces

—

I'm not going to lie this has been hell. My anxiety is skyrocketing,  I've never done this before. I spent nights wondering what my family would say if I ever saw them again. Would they be angry or disappointed? Who knows? Why should I care? I shouldn't, but I do. Dick's birthday is coming soon. I've never missed a birthday before what am I going to do? Will they survive without me? Of course, they will. Will they be okay though?  Again I ask who know? I shouldn't care, but I do I always will. Every day is a nightmare, it feels like you're on your own even though you have people to help you. 

— My best friend Shani gave me a place to stay until I got on my feet, but later on, we decided to become roommates since rent would be cheaper and she's basically my second sister. We got a four bedroom two bath apartment in Star Ciry. Honestly, we didn't need all that space, but Leilei insisted on having a place to sleep when she came to visit, and we both wanted a workspace. Shani mainly just wanted Leilei there so she could get free food whenever she came to visit, that vulture.

Now for the hell part, it's difficult to take care of yourself without having to take care of someone else at least physically. At home, I would remember to eat because I helped Alfred make breakfast for my household. Now I have to remind myself that I have to eat for me. Eating was necessary for survival just another task for me to do. It was hard to find the joy in anything especially when it's for myself. Oh, don't get me started on finding the motivation to do anything. Now that someone isn't relying on you it feels like you can't do anything or find to energy to do anything. When living is a chore with others, and now you're by yourself it feels like you're pushing a boulder up an unclimbable mountain. Maybe I should just go home? I mean what am I going to do out here? Really? Like what's the-"Okay get your ass up," Shani my best friend said dragging me off my bed and into the shower, "You did this at my old place you're not doing it here." "AH! SHIT, YOU SON OF A BITCH THAT'S COLD," I screamed as she drowned my body in the water. "Forget them Lerina you are a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man. Act like it! Now you have a degree in psychology if you saw someone acting like this what would you tell them to do," she asked dismissing the fact that her best friend is still in her clothes and in the shower having cold water pouring down on them. "I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'd tell them to go see one and get to get their life together," I answered pissed. "So what should you do?" "Yeah, I get it. Get out so I can take my own advice." "You're welcome bestie!" "I hate you." — Luckily I did see a psychiatrist. It's kinda fun to talk to him because of my background in psychology, I know the medical terms. I also received a new private doctor so it could be harder to track me. Together my doctor and my psychiatrist found medications that worked for me. Basically all the medicine I hoped to avoid I had to take. I'm on an antidepressant and medication for anxiety, but at least I don't have to take Adderall anymore. I used to as a child, and I haven't used it over a year. I'm officially off it now. I'm supposed to manage my stress, but I went ahead and got one of the most stressful jobs ever. I'm a neurologist! I originally went to school to be a psychiatrist, but that wasn't my calling. I continued the course then switched it to neurology I still love psychology and use the knowledge I learned to read others and give advice from time to time. Let's be honest, it's easier to fix someone else's problem than to fix your own. I didn't want to set a bad example for my patients. It took some time to job hunt and to get the okay from my doctors, but I finally started working. Life has its ups and downs I know that now and after three months my life is coming together. Maybe just maybe I can do this.

—

That naive little fool. Did she honestly believe starting over would be that easy? In only three months as well? Ha! She’d have better luck seeing Jesus and watching hell freeze over with him by her side. Did it not occur to her that her younger siblings would indeed look for her? Oh yes, the batclan began to search for her whereabouts two weeks after she went disappeared and haven't ceased searching since. I bet you curious to why it took two weeks for the clan of vigilantes to look for their missing bat. Well, it all started two months and a week ago. --

Tim noticed Lerina's disappearance the second he entered the Batcave. There was no welcome home kisses, bone-crushing hugs, or dinner. No questions about the mission after being dragged into the infirmary. There was nothing but the pained groans from his fellow vigilantes and the sounds of the keyboard used by Bruce. Tim looked at Jason and Jason looked back a Tim. It was if they shared the same mind that moment, they knew for a fact without a single doubt something was wrong with their sister. "Hey, Alfred did you see Lerina anywhere," Jason asked while getting a bullet wound stitched up "I'm afraid I haven't seen Miss Lerina at all during my return," the butler answered. "She's probably in her bedroom," Dick proposed, "Doesn't she have a board meeting tomorrow?" "Indeed she does but-," "I am certain that Oriel is alive and well," Damian interrupted unbothered by his butler and older brothers' concerned tone. "I didn't know you cared Damian," Cassandra said while putting away her gear, "I don't I believe we should consider taking the time to appreciate the beautiful silence her absence has brought us," he replied with a smirk. "If Lerina isn't here it's for a good reason. Now I want Tim-" "Bruce I'm pretty sure Lerina is missing," Tim interjected. "Nonsense Drake, Oriel is most likely working on father's business files and if not she's with her grandmother. Do Not disturb her I'm enjoying the silence," Damian sneered leaving the group. -- That's how it was for the entire time she was gone. Jason, Tim, and Alfred started their search immediately, however, the others didn't decide to join until 3 weeks later Kamalei complained about not seeing her granddaughter, even if that was a lie. It was then when the police, the league, and young justice were notified of her disappearance. There wasn't even the tiniest unit of dust to point them in the right direction but they continued to search losing hope until someone got a text. "That was Wally," Dick explained as the other began to suit up, "He saw Rina in Star City."

-- "Did you see the news today Rina?" "Oh yes, 'No it's true I am the real Lerina Oriel-Wayne' please," Lerina mocked the latest beauty queen who pretended to be her, "Another demented fangirl craving fame and fortune."  "Yo, but did you see how much money your family was willing to lay down for your return? Nearly fifty thousand dollars! Hell, I'm willing to put lipstick on a pig for that much money," Shani exclaimed powerless to hide the shock that trekked across her body. "Only fifty thousand? A pity I thought I was worth more than that," she shrugged entirely unbothered by the amount of reward money her family was willing to spend for her retrieval. "However, what is worrying is if someone recognizes me and reports back to my family. Are you certain it's safe for me to be out in public?" "I'm sure, you don't stay out long enough for the public to remember what you look like and thanks to papa Bruce's neglection he doesn't have any recent pictures of you. Relax, you're in the clear." Shani responded in a laid back tone, "Now let's go get some coffee-SHIT!!" "What," the older woman questioned, "What's wrong?" "It's Wally he's here! He heard everything and he's coming right at us, RUN!" You didn't have to repeat yourself to get the oldest Wayne to run as if a demon was right on her tail but as a regular human, it's impossible to outrun a speedster. Within a second a livid red head blocked their path. "Wally hi. How's everything with Artemis?" "Don't play that with me Lerina you have a lot of explaining to do,' Wally growled taking off with the pair. -- "That's it? That's why you dropped off the face of the Earth?!" Wally shouted his rage scorching the air. "What do you mean "that's it', Lerina argued, "That's a great reason." "You couldn't have left a note?" No, because I didn't want them to find me!!" "Listen Wally," Shani began getting the attention of her best friend and the speedster, "You're not really being fair-" "HOW AM I NOT BEING FAIR!?" he screamed, "The league, Young Justice, her own family are currently killing themselves to find her thinking that she's in some sort of danger only for me to find out she abandoned them! How am I being unfair?" "I didn't abandon them I left to-" he cut her off, "You left to spite them." "I left because if I stayed they would use that 50 grand to plan my funeral," she snapped her response draining the color from Wally's face."W-w-what?" he stuttered unable to get the words out, "I left to save my life, Wally, I would've killed myself in that house," she said voice cracking, "I didn't leave a note because I didn't want them to carry the burden of knowing nor did I want to face them ever again." He sat down on their couch head lowered and fingers running through his red locks, "SO what am I supposed to do, huh? I already texted telling them I saw you here. They are on their way if they aren't already here." "Well, you don't have to tell anyone you found us," Shani stated. Wally's head snapped up, "Are you saying that I lie to them?" "No, I'm just saying-" "I know what you're saying and it's still a lie. Asking for me to lie to my best friend and the bat clan is one thing but the team and my girlfriend too? You've got to be kidding me." "Artemis already knows. You can't be in Star City without one of its vigilantes finding out," Shani explained "Listen," Lerina said sitting next to him, "You can tell them I was here but by the time you come back I'll be on the next flight somewhere else. Why? I finally made a life where I'm not numb and I can live my life to the fullest. I'm not sacrificing my happiness or my health for anyone. Not anymore. Now you don't have to keep my secret I'm not going to ask you do but if you do I know a senior citizen who is always willing to fill that bottomless pit you call a stomach." Wally sighed putting his face in his palms, "He's my best friend, Lerina you can't just-" "Shh let's talk about something else, how are you and Artemis doing," she questioned. The only response was a groan. -- "Are you absolutely sure you saw her?" Nightwing questioned looking over the city. "You saw the picture I sent, it was her," Kid Flashed answered in monotone. "But?' he asked turning to his glum friend. "There were too many people around during a rush hour. I couldn't catch up." he said sighing in defeat. Nightwing didn't show it but he was distraught and Wally knew this but a new feeling of hope also filled the blue vigilante’s heart, "It's fine man. Thank you for notifying us, we'll keep looking in that area during the time she was last spotted to see if we can find a pattern. Then we'll branch out to the rest of the city. I'm sorry for all the trouble." "Yeah," Wally said as a mixture of  relief and guilt  settled in his stomach, "I'm sorry too."

--

~Novella Quill

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 5 (Cont.)

Tsubasa ruminates about her current situation in her Symphogear Brand Safety Capsule of Absolute Dunces.

“aight ive done seen the light lemme at that sweet, sweet taco bell”

Meanwhile, some old ass politicians rumble about Relics.

“im old.”

But they immediately get fucked up in a nasty car accident.

As it turns out, the Americans were waiting to intercept these old crones to steal The Goods.

And holy fuck are they are American. Personally, I feel the writers of Symphogear watched Die Hard and immediately went “these people are fucking animals”. That’s just me, though.

“ooh ouch oh mmm ouchie ouch oooo ouch”

They tear into these people with an almost machine like efficiency.

These people don’t fuck around. There’s a strange surreality around it given that this is honestly pretty accurate to how brutal special operatives can be, but the Japanese accent they have in their English voices is... a bit jarring.

“IM BACK FROM THE MALL, YA’LL”

“oh god she’s back”

“ah, ryoko. as per your lingo, quote, ‘i like your new gucci boots... bitch’ was that good? im not fond at cursing at women unless its a mutual training session”

Genjuro alerts that the Minister of Defense for Japan has just been assassinated.

“shits bad”

Conveniently... Ryoko’s phone was broken. In her defense, it’s 2012. Battery life didn’t have the bragging rights it had now for phone.

“i personally use a razer flip phone. those will never go out of style!”

Ryoko manages to show them the box the Americans were trying to get. Suspiciously...

There’s a bloodstain on it.

So the main struggle right now is that the Bad Guys(tm) want to get their hands on Durandal, which is a completed relic that is hidden away miles underneath the school in the 2nd Division Labs.

This musty, old, shitty sword has immense power. Almost Godlike.

“hey why dont we just use the sword to beat up the bad guys”

The sword was handed from the EU to Japan for Japan to safekeep, and in exchange to forgive some of the loans the EU owed Japan should the EU economy collapse.

How topical.

“i read a lot of beserk and honestly im pretty sure someone beats up the bad guys with that dumb sword”

“listen nerd, we’re not doing that dumb weeb anime shit. we’re taking this sword to a vault to the bottom of parliament.”

“thats right. who needs anime when you’ve got nicholas cage.”

And so, they plotted to deliver this dumb sword tomorrow.

Ryoko logs into Runescape.

Fun fact: Fulcanelli is a reference to this dude, who was a French alchemist whose identity nobody really knows. Alchemy is a concept that will come up during GX that has no relevance whatsoever during these first 2 seasons except in some passerby jargon. This as just a cute thing I wanted to point out.

You know, that’s a pretty sexy sword upon closer examination.

“thats the dark souls of swords”

“ah! a fellow gamer! im glad that you too partake of the souls of darkening. would you like to play a two player match somtime, fellow Gamer?”

“I would genuinely rather eat shit for the rest of my life!”

The scene ends. Alright, where are n-

Oh God we’re back to this bullshit. Okay then.

Miku, reasonably, is upset that her wife is gone for several hours for increasingly sketchy reasons. Much like an estranged wife going to see her “tennis instructor” for “private tennis lessons” in the “safety of their house, which has a tennis court”, Miku is worried that Hibiki is a liar liar, pants on fire.

Nose the size of a wire.

Hibiki, feeling the fear of God, quickly bails this increasingly tense situation.

Miku is suffering, and so am I with this hamfisted writing.

“you didnt even try the cookies i made out of frustration for you. i designed them all after me with increasingly angrier faces”

“im too young for a divorce. fuck, those cookies smelled good”

Hibiki decides to not sweat it anymore, opening a magazine and WHOA WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DONT REMEMBER THIS WHEN DID HIBIKI GET HER HANDS ON THIS OH MY GOD

“HELL NO IM MARRIED THE DEVIL CANNOT TEMPT ME”

Hibiki closes it up to reveal the relevant part of this magazine.

This is subtle, but it’s basically a vehicle to explain how things are covered up for Symphogears. Ogawa walks in, talking about how this headline was his doing.

“i wasn’t joking when i said we were literally the NSA”

Hibiki is happy that Tsubasa has been freed from Metaphor Limbo, having escaped the Water Metaphor Dimension back into real life.

“she literally wont stop talking about taco bell and honestly its killing me inside”

“shit ill get her some”

Ogawa does some schpiel about teamwork and asks Hibiki for an idea on what to do with Tsubasas image even though he’s supposed to be the manager and it’s just general prattle.

Everyone gets briefed about the delivery. Ryoko’s soccer mom van sticks out like a sore thumb. Nobody on the Lydian campus asks why there are 5 cars outside the building with men in suits and fucking Hibiki standing there with them why are these children so fucking incurious.

“this feels like the world’s most important weed delivery, but im going to deliver the SHIT out of that weed”

“hibiki please its not weed”

“ALRIGHT FAM LETS DELIVER THE SHIT OUT OF THIS WEED”

Big thick black cars surround Ryoko’s tiny vehicle as they all drive in unison to the drop point.

No fucking around here. The weed must be delivered.

The weed? Secured as shit.

“its not fucking weed it’s a goddamned french sword okay god”

“ROAD’S LOOKIN’ A-OKAY FOR OUR WEEEED DRIIIIIIVE”

PSYCHE, NO IT AINT. ROAD’S CRACKING UP HARD. COMES APART, CAR FUCKING EXPLODES!

“oh my god we seriously arent fucking around here those guys are fucking dead”

“bruh you never delivered weed before? that shit happens all the time”

“anyway grab on to something ‘cause we’re gonna initial d this shit”

“i thought we were delivering WEED not SUSHI”

“WEED... SUSHI... IT’S ALL FUCKING METAPHORS, HIBIKI. AND WE’RE GONNA DELIVER EM!”

“now ORDER UP, MOTHERFUCKER”

Every car is destroyed.

Ryoko flips the car like nobody’s business.

“ryoko! the kansai drift was too strong!”

“your delivery’s late, pal. that’s gonna have to come out of your tip.”

“jokes on you! you already paid the tip beforehand online!”

“oh, we’re going with pizza jokes now? is that what we’re doing? yeah, sure, whatever”

Unfortunately, Chris ordered her pizza with meat, extra crispy.

“FUCK, i cant see anything. now i don’t know if they have the weed- i mean, the sushi- er, the pizza- god i hate all these JOKES”

RYOKO SUMMONS A FUCKING SHIELD OUTTA NOWHERE WHILE HIBIKI’S KNOCKED OUT COLD

“yo hol’ up a moment did this pervert manage to summon a shield”

“are- are you able to fight the noise? are you fucking kidding me? this entire time when literal children were fighting these battles, you literally could have fought back effectively? are we but mere playthings to you? is this really the bullshit im seeing?”

“uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can only make shields. piss shields, out of piss”

“that is absolute fucking bullshit”

“but i believe it.”

Hibiki has primed her fists and is about to show how much she’s improved combat wise, which is actually a lot.

Nevermind, she tripped again. Turns out, Symphogears fight in heels constantly, which is absolutely fucking horrifying. Hibiki realizes this, and then

FUCKING BREAKS THE HEELS LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.

AND THEN SHE WRECKS SHOP WITHOUT BREAKING A GODDAMN SWEAT

“oh shit how the fuck did she improve this quickly”

The suitcase where the sword is stored opens up. That means it’s activating.

Immediate fear.

“alright bruce lee you mightve mastered a thousand kicks but you better change your gameplan because im about to realign that pretty little face of yours”

“thank god you kicked me. needed you to get closer so i could kick your ass, after all”

The fucking suitcase, I shit you not, pops open immediately with the sword flipping to the sky like a bad Gmod toy as it suddenly stays floating, perfectly still.

“ive officially lost track on what the hell is happening”

The sword just floats there, as a sword does.

“you know how many fried turkeys i can cut open with that bad boy? that shits mine now.”

Chris goes to get it.

“fuck you! im going to slice HONEYBAKED HAMS with that sword!”

Hibiki intercepts it and takes the sword.

Now Hibiki becomes a proud Stand owner, having acquired the power of The World and stopping time at will.

“oooooh holy shit”

Hibiki, now channeling the power of Durandal, feels the raw strength of a completed relic all through her body.

Real spicy stuff running through her veins.

The power unleashing itself into a raw stream of piss skyrocketing into the stratosphere.

“the pizza has been delivered... all according to plan...”

“...she was right. honeybaked ham was the superior meat to slice...”

Hibiki is channeling a power source so ancient, so powerful, that through using her as a conduit, the sword actually finishes itself into its full, completed form.

Holy shit, Hibiki.

Goddamn. That’s a really sexy sword, actually! Pretty nice...

...oh.

You’re not looking so hot, pal...

“why is it that every opponent of mine can literally asspull all this garbage and im stuck here looking like a bad kamen rider villian getting my ass kicked every time. its not fair.”

Ryoko looks extremely hyped for this event. Maybe a little too much so.

“MAN FUCK THIS NONSENSE IM PUTTING AN END TO THE SUPER SENTAI POWERUP”

“O-OH FUCK- uh, i didnt say that. totally swear. you uh, keep doing that. yeah. aha.”

“SLICED...”

“...HONEYBAKED...”

“oh god. oh god. im sorry. im sorry. im so sorry. oh fuck im so sorry. honeybaked ham is better. fuck turkeys. fuck drumlegs. fuck any sort of fried meat. honeybaked ham is better please im begging you dont vore me or slice me in half IM BEGGING YOU OH GOD”

“...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”

“ham..... mmmmm... honeybaked ham....”

“WHO YELLED ABOUT HAM? god, im hungry now.”

Hibiki wakes up from it all after passing out, expressing a power of magnitudes unheard of, as if it were all a bad dream.

“YEAH THATS RIGHT WE HAD TO DELIVER THE WEED PIZZA AND I WANTED HAM AND- THE SWORD, YEAH! THE SWORD!”

To her disappointment, amongst this wanton destruction, no ham was found. Ryoko clues her in that Hibiki just single handedly completed a relic, and though the entire place is a mess, the mission wasn’t a complete failure. They’ll just have to return the relic back to base, now the entire location is, conveniently, destroyed.

“yeah yeah. the weed made it. the sushi made it. the pizza made it. what didnt we deliver today?”

“...”

“singing really does make you hungry, huh?”

[hockeyandstuff91]

How did this happen? - Part 9

Word count: 2,264

Players: Tyler Seguin, Jamie Benn (mentioned)

Other people: Katie (mentioned) , Ashlyn (mentioned)

Warnings: cussing

Authors note: Okay! So this was an interesting part to write.. But its finally getting us somewhere! I work for the next two days so I don’t know if I will have time to get another part out tomorrow or the next day, but I’m going to try my best. I do however have 5 days off following Saturday so I hope to write lots during that time! haha

Also Savannah is just a made up character, to my knowledge Tyler hasn’t dated anyone by that name lol

Hope you all enjoy this part!

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3    Part 4    Part 5    Part 6   Part 6.5     Part 7    Part 8   Part 10

(Brooke’s POV. First part continued from last part)

I made it back to Tyler's house and walked inside, setting the takeout bag on the kitchen counter. I heard him walking around upstairs for a minute before his footsteps lead to the stairs and I heard him come down.

"Hey," he said and walked over to the counter and opened up the bag.

"Hey," I smiled at him. "How was your day?" I asked, sitting down on one of the bar stools.

"It was fine, just kind of boring," he smiled back. "How was work?" he asked as he grabbed us some plates.

"It was fine. Oh Kyle from the restaurant says hi by the way," I said as I grabbed some food.

After a few minutes Tyler was almost done with his food but I had barely eaten anything. This whole time I had just been thinking about how I was going to tell him that I saw her and with someone else.

"Whats the matter?" Tyler asked me.

"Nothing why?"

"Brooke you only pick at your food when you are nervous about something. Whats up?" he asked as he took the last bite of his own food.

"Do you know a Ryan Adams?" I asked him.

"Yeah.. He was part of an old group of friends I use to hang out with why?"

"Are he and Savannah friends?"

"I mean she was part of that group but they never hung out why?"

"I saw her and him at the restaurant when I went to go pick up the food," I mumbled as I took a bite.

"What?"

I looked up at Tyler who was staring at me, not sure how to process the information I had just given him. "I'm sorry Ty," I said.

He shook his head "No its fine, they probably just went to go catch up since she hasn't been around in over a year," he said, getting up to clean his plate.

"Ty.." I started.

"Brooke don't."

I sighed and set my fork down, not as hungry as I was an hour ago. "Tyler look. I know you and her had a thing. I also know how that said thing ended.."

Tyler just shook his head, still not facing me. "No she isn't like that anymore Brooke or I wouldn't of given her another chance."

"Tyler-"

"Brooke I don't want to fucking hear it," Tyler's voice was raised which he had never done with me. I had a bad feeling this was going to be our first fight and I wasn't sure how to take it, but I wasn't going to sit by and let my best friend get hurt.

I got up and walked around the counter and over to where he was standing. "Tyler I don't care if you don't want to hear it or not. Kyle said that he had seen her in there more than once this week, and always with a different guy. He knows who you are and your name didn't pop up on the list," I responded, folding my arms in front of my chest.

Tyler grit his teeth, grabbing the edge of the counter before he spun to look at me. "Stay out of it," he almost growled which made me step back in response.

"No Tyler I'm not going to watch my best friend sit here and get used by some bitch. She doesn't give a fuck about you clearly. She just wants someone who looks nice and has money. I know her type."

"You've never even spoken to her before!" Tyler was now yelling. Two could play at that game.

"Tyler I don't need to speak to her! All she cares about is getting whatever she wants and moving on. She already cheated on you once in the past. She hasn't changed she just made up some story to make herself look good and to have you take her back. Don't be a fucking idiot you deserve better than that."

"I don't believe that."

"You are really going to sit here and say that you don't trust me? What do you think I'm lying to you Tyler?"

"I don't know."

I laughed at that "You have got to be kidding me. Out of anyone why would I your 'best friend' lie to you about something like this?"

"Because you hated her from the start! You have made it very clear you don't want me anywhere near her."

"So that is a good enough reason for me to try and get you to break up with her?! I'm trying to protect you!"

"I don't want to talk about this right now," He said and pushed by me, going to the living room.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. I gave him a moment before I walked into the living room and found him sitting on the couch, furiously typing on his phone. "Once you figure out that I would never lie to you about this, you let me know. Have a good night," I said and walked down the hall to the front door, slamming it behind me and got into my car, driving home with tears running down my face. I was just glad that Jamie and Katie were going to be home tomorrow.

(Tyler's POV)

It had been two hours since Brooke had left after our fight and I wanted nothing more than to call and apologize to her. In the two hours I had found out that she wasn't actually lying to me and that Savannah really was the shit person that Brooke had called since the start. I couldn't believe that I had just potentially lost my best friend and gotten cheated on for the second time. I really was the biggest idiot that everyone else kept telling me I was lately.

I knew that she probably wouldn't answer my calls tonight so I decided that I shouldn't bother her until tomorrow. I felt like the worst best friend ever right now and I was so mad at myself. I couldn't believe that I was so dumb to actually think Brooke would make this up just to get me to break up with Savannah. That's not the type of girl Brooke was and I knew that.

Brooke was different, and I knew that from the moment I met her. But it scared me to have someone different. I was used to being used for a few months and then moving on to someone else. It was easier that way, I knew that they were the shit person and I did nothing wrong, but now I was the shit person who just pushed away someone who actually cared enough about me to tell me something was going on behind my back. Someone who would never use me and genuinely cared about me as a person. She didn't care that I had money, she didn't care that I was a professional athlete, she just liked me for who I was and in this world that was hard to find.

Brooke was the first girl who ever stood up to me and put me in my place. She wasn't scared to tell me that what I was saying was bull shit. Honestly it was kind of hot since no other girl I knew did shit like that. It was something I appreciated.

Jamie was right, which I hated to admit, but he was going to love hearing later. I was going to mess up my chance with this one if I didn't act on it. And why was I being so dumb to care so much about being free to be with whoever? When was I going to find another down to earth girl like her that wouldn't turn out to be a bitch in 2 months?

There was still a part of me that was hanging on to my freedom and didn't want to let go. I was worried that there was something about this that wasn't going to work and then I would lose my best friend too. We had been super close since the start of our friendship but there were still some things that I needed to figure out before I made this official with Brooke, but at least I could tell the guys that I was going to do it soon. Maybe then Jamie would stop yelling at me so much.

(Brooke's POV)

It had been two days since Tyler and I's fight. He apologized the next day, which I was kind of surprised about but I was glad that he finally believed me and got rid of her once and for all. I had just finished getting ready for work when my phone lit up with a text message. It was from Tyler asking if I wanted to hang out after I got out of work, I replied with sure and told him that I would call him once I got out.

Things were still a little off between the two of us but I was hoping maybe we would be able to fix that tonight and talk about it. I wanted to apologize for yelling at him, though honestly he deserved it.

I made my way into work and took the elevator up to the floor that the business I worked for was on. I walked in and went over to my cubical and set my purse down on the desk. I looked over and noticed there was a piece of paper on my keyboard.

Unfolding it I scanned the paper, it was from my boss saying that he wanted to speak to me this morning. I set the note back on my desk and walked over to his office. I knocked on the door and waited for a reply before walking in.

"Mr. Callaway you wanted to speak to me?" I asked as I stepped into his office and closed the door behind me.

"Yes Brooke please take a seat," he smiled.

I walked forward and sat in one of the chairs that was in front of his desk. I knew that this couldn't of been about my work as I had finished it all ahead of everyone else. This job was pretty easy, just entering a lot of data into computer system which hadn’t taken long to learn. I had got the job less than a week after I moved into my apartment which was great because that meant I was able to save the money in my emergency savings account and not use it on rent.

"So I'm sure you saw the email last week about us downsizing the company," he said, taking his glasses off and setting them on the desk in front of him.

Mr. Callaway was a nice man, in his mid 30s, taking over for his father who had fallen ill. The company hadn't been doing as well over the last year but he hadn't seemed worried about it until these last two weeks.

I nodded my head in response.

"Unfortunately we have had a bad year, and this last month was even worse. We don't want to downsize but with the way the market is going right now we can't afford not to. Sadly this means we are going to have to let some people go..."

I already knew where he was going with this. I sunk in my seat a bit not wanting to hear him say it but I was one of the newer people so of course I would be let go first. I had only been working here for a little less than 4 months and no one else had been hired since I was.

"You have done amazing work for us Brooke and if the company starts picking back up soon we would love to keep you on the books so we can offer you your place back, but as of right now-"

"It's okay I understand. Thank you for the opportunity," I smiled and stood up.

"If you need any recommendations or anything from me just let me know, I would be happy to help you," he said, sitting back in his chair, rubbing his hand over his face.

"Thank you I appreciate that," I smiled again and turned, walking out of his office.

"I promise if anything opens up I'll give you a call," he said as I left.

I just nodded in response and walked back to my desk. I grabbed all of my things and put them into a box, carrying them out to my car.

I climbed into the driver seat and leaned against the headrest. I had held it together pretty well while inside and saying goodbye to everyone but as soon as I was in the safety of my car the tears started to stream down my face. The one thing that I feared after moving away from home had happened, I lost my job and I had no idea where to go from here. I was thankful that I had the emergency fund and that would give me a month to look which should be plenty of time, but still it worried me.

I sighed, wiping my cheek and grabbed my phone out of my purse. I unlocked it and looked at the time, Tyler should be up by now. I took a deep breath and let out a sigh, trying to calm my breathing as I hit the call button and waited for him to pick up.

"Brooke? Are you okay?" He asked, his voice sounding a little worried. There was never a reason for me to call him at this time since I would be at work right now.

"Physically yeah. I um.. I just lost my job," I said, sniffling.

Tyler didn't say anything for a few seconds. I heard him sigh before responding "I'm sorry. Do you want to come over?"

"Please?"

"Of course," he said and we both hung up as I started my car and headed over to his place.

(Brooke's POV)

The next couple weeks I spent a lot of time with Tyler. He was being super sweet in trying to get my mind off of being fired. I was just glad to get some time to relax for a little while but after a couple days I decided that I should probably start looking for another place to work. I applied to a bunch of places but being that it was the start of summer not many places were looking right now, they had already hired high school students and had no more openings.

"Ty?" I called out for Tyler as I walked through his house towards the patio doors. I was scrolling through my phone trying to find some job listings but was having no luck finding anything that I qualified for.

"Yeah?" He was playing in the back yard with the boys, throwing three different tennis balls for each of them.

"I give up," I sighed and put my phone back in my pocket, sitting down on one of the lawn chairs.

"No luck still?" He asked and walked over to me, sitting next to me in another chair.

I shook my head and put my head in my hands. I was starting to get really frustrated and really worried. On top of not being able to find a job my rent had gone up meaning I wouldn't be able to stay more than another month with what I had saved. It was like everything was coming at me all at once, I was just glad that things between Tyler and I were back to normal or I would of felt completely lost.

"Hey," he said softly and leaned over, rubbing my back. "Stop stressing," he said and grabbed one of my hands, pulling it away from my face and lifting my chin so that I was looking at him.

My eyes were watery, threatening to spill over onto my cheeks. Tyler stood up and pulled me with him and walked me back into the house and over to the couch. He sat down and brought me with him, wiping under my eyes.

"Don't cry," he said and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes in response and leaned against him. "Listen I have watched you over the last three weeks stress about this and lose sleep. You are exhausted and that's not okay with me. I know that you wanted to do this on your own and you wanted to be able to support yourself. And more importantly I know you are scared that you are going to have to move back home," he said, rubbing my back again.

I pressed my face closer into his shoulder, not wanting to think about leaving here. I couldn't imagine having to move so far away from everyone and be alone again back at home. It was the last thing in the world that I wanted.

"Hey," he said and pulled back to look at me. "I've been thinking.. why don't you just move in with me?" he asked.

I looked up at him surprised. It was not something I was expecting out of him. I knew that he enjoyed me being around and spending time here but I also knew that he liked living on his own. I knew that he would especially not want me here if he was going to bring a random girl home from the bar some night, though come to think of it he hadn't done anything like that since he broke up with whats her face.

"I'm serious," he said, clearly reading my mind of being surprised. "It'll be great, you will have a lot more room here for your things, the boys love you and your company. During the season it will be great because I know that someone will be here to watch the house while I'm gone," he started but I shook my head.

"Ty, no I can't ask you to do that."

Tyler put his finger up to my lips. "Sh. I'm not letting you say no to this. I don't want you to be stressed about making rent or finding a job, I want you to be happy and have time to relax. I don't want you to have to move back home, we would all miss you too much. I want you here," he said and I just nodded. "Okay?" he smiled and dropped his hand from in front of my face.

I nodded again "okay," I said softly and smiled at him. "I seriously appreciate this Tyler, you have no idea," I said and wrapped my arms around him, giving him a big hug.

"I know. But hey it's not just for you, its for me too."

"Oh?" I laughed and looked at him. "I get to cook and clean for you and you don't have to pay people to do it anymore right?" I smirked.

He laughed "I mean if you are offering.." he teased and I rolled my eyes. "No Brooke I appreciate your company, those other things are just a plus," he smiled and I nodded, not fully believing him but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

[horanstouch]

Turning the T.V. off, he let out a loud sigh and set his guitar to the side then strolled into the kitchen to grab a beer and some chips. “Brain food” as he liked to call it. Back on the couch his phone let out a loud tone alerting him that it was time to head to work. He groaned and went to snooze the alarm. Walking to his room he continued to mess around with the song in his head, tapping his fingers on his leg just trying to find the right beat. He glances in the mirror as he changes and frowns.

“Man I really need to go to the gym again…” he said to himself, “maybe this weekend.”

Soon he is on his way out grabbing his keys to his car and heads to work. Music fills the car relaxing his mind a little before arriving to his shift.

“About time you got here!” his manager Nora said from behind the bar.

“What are you on about? I’m on time as always!” Niall chuckled as he joined her in cleaning off the counter.

“You finish that one song yet?”

He groaned, “Not yet. Don’t know why it’s takin’ me so long to get it. Usually finish a song in a few days max.”

“Well, you’re talented. I’m sure it’ll be your best song so far,” she gave him a smile and walked over to take the order of some people that had just walked in.

Keeping his head down Niall focused on his work, filling orders and soon he was near the end of his shift. Nora came over and gave him an order of someone at the end of the bar. He was filling the order when someone spoke up, “That’s a nice song. Where’d you hear that?”

Niall looked up to see a cute brunette with the prettiest eyes he’d ever seen. By her American accent he could tell she wasn’t from around Dublin, probably here on vacation. He shook his head a little, slightly confused, “Excuse me?”

“The song you were just humming? It’s nice. You hear that from somewhere?”

He could feel his cheeks flush a little, “Oh, didn’t realize I was humming. But uh, I actually wrote it-” he corrects himself and hands her the drink, “well, I’m trying to write it. I’m a bit stuck on this one.”

“You write a lot of songs? Moonlight as a musician?” she laughs a bit and sips her drink, “and you’re a great bartender. You must be making someone very happy.”

Niall shakes his head and laughs. “Not exactly. Haven’t had any luck finding a girl to stick around.” He grabs a rag and starts to clean the counter. “But if you ever want to hear me play, I have small gigs here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

She gives him a small smile and nods “Guess I’ll be back tomorrow then. Better put on a great show for me on my few days here then.” She finishes her drink and sets her empty glass to the side, “could I get another?”

He nods and starts making her next drink. “So what brings you to the wonderful city of Dublin?” he asks, grabbing the garnish for the glass.

“Pleasure,” she responds as he hands her the drink, “for sure. I have been traveling around different countries: England, Italy, France, Spain, Portugal, and now, I’m here in Ireland. Just been traveling on my savings and seeing the sights, learning about the different cultures,” a slight smirk appears on her face, “meeting new people.” Niall felt himself blush more and looked down at a bit. “But sadly I have to return to reality and go back home on Saturday, so I am trying to the most in the last few days I’m here.”

“Niall we need you to cover a table over here!” Nora’s voice tore his attention away from conversation.

“Alright!” he answered. He mouthed a quick sorry and headed over to take care of the group of guys that surrounded a small booth in the back of the pub.

He was gone for no more than five minutes but when he came back to the bar, all he found was a paid check and a finished drink. Niall looked around but he didn’t see the girl anywhere. He sighed grabbing the money off the counter to close out the tab. A small slip of torn paper fell from the pile of cash and onto the counter. He smiled to himself when he saw she left her number for him and slipped the paper into his pocket before getting back to finishing his shift.

                                               *           *          *

Tossing his keys on the counter and relaxing on to the couch with a beer in hand, Niall flips the T.V. on to some movie that was already half way over. He fished the piece of paper out of his pocket and typed a message out to her.

Hey , it’s Niall , the bartender from tonight . I didn’t want to be too forward with ya , but you did leave your number so I figured id see where ya snuck off to .

He set his phone down on his knee and grabbed his guitar, strumming lightly. His heart was beating faster with each minute that passed without a response. Every few minutes he found himself needing to pull his attention back to his strumming. Soon the light message tone rang from his phone making Niall’s head snap up to attention.

Sorry I didn’t get back sooner! I was on the phone with my family. 

Glad to see you got my note though.  

No worries , sooooo I have to ask

Am I gonna get a name from ya ?

My name’s Elena. Nice to officially meet you, Niall.(:

Elena. He leaned his head back and smiled. The name fit her so well. He wasn’t sure what made him think that, but he definitely saw it. And he liked it. He looked at his phone again and typed out a new message

Delighted to officially meet you as well , Elena .

Sorry about leaving with no warning btw it wasn’t because of you

In case you were wondering that. I just have an early day tomorrow.

That’s actually a relief ! thought I scared ya off or something .

Not in the slightest. Actually wish I could have stayed longer.

Niall’s heart stopped racing. It felt so easy to talk to her. So easy in fact they ended up talking for hours. Soon it was the middle of the night and he could feel the exhaustion taking over him. Her as well considering the amount of time between messages was starting to vary. He lay in bed and typed out one last question to her before he felt himself dozing off.

So , Elena .. can I expect to see you tomorrow at the gig ?

He set his phone to the side and curled into his blankets and closed his eyes, his TV playing softly while its sleep timer counted down. He was nearly asleep when his phone went off a few minutes later.

I would love to be at your gig.

Can’t miss a chance to hear some Niall originals. (:

A smile spread across his sleepy face as he finally drifted off to sleep thinking of the day to come.

                                               *           *             *

Niall woke up early and decided to get a quick golf game in after breakfast. He ate a quick bowl of cereal and threw together a protein shake before heading to the course. Golfing usually gave him a clear head, which he was hoping would get past this writers block. He felt so relaxed when he played, just like with his guitar. All his worries left his mind for even a brief period of time, but it always made him feel so much better. He wasn’t sure what it was about golfing that put him so at ease, the peace and quiet, the fresh air, the satisfying feeling of playing a good game. It all made him think clearer.

He was just about to start the next hole when he felt his phone go off.

Hope you’re working on that song! Cant wait to hear it (:

Just clearing my head and ill be getting right back to work on it .

Been driving me absolutely nuts .

Awe.. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll get it though. And it’s going to be amazing

He smiled and put his phone back in his pocket to keep playing his game. After a few more holes, he finished playing and headed back to his house to relax a bit before the gig. Settling into his usual spot on the couch and grabbing his guitar he pulled up his voice memos on his phone. After about the tenth listen, he groaned and leaned his head back in frustration.

‘Never have this much trouble writing a fuckin song..’ he thought to himself, ‘why is this so hard?’

Mindlessly strumming the tune for the thousandth time, he closed his eyes and hummed what he already had. He decided to give up and talk to Elena till he had to get ready.

Don’t think the song is gonna be done by tonight .. really stuck.

How was your sight seeing today ?

I’m sorry to hear that ): but the sightseeing went great!

Got to see some pretty cool stuff

Dublin is quite the city. Ill definitely have to be back

Yeah ? Let me know next time you’re here maybe I can give ya a tour .

Show you all the best places to go .

I’d love that!

And if you’re ever in America, I can give you a tour!

Which should be easy, things never change in that town

Things never change in that town. Those words repeated in his head while he strummed when something finally clicked. Moving quickly he grabbed his phone and typed in his notes before he forgot. Words started pouring out of his mind and the song was finally starting to make sense. Line after line, he typed until a rough draft of lyrics finally sat in front of his eyes and he had never felt so relieved. A huge smile spread across his face as he read them through. He grabbed his guitar and strummed lightly as he tried the words out so see how it sounded. He played about thirty seconds and then listened back to the voice memo. It was perfect. It was exactly what he wanted it to sound like. He started the recording and played the whole way through. Still perfect.

“It’s fucking done,” he chuckled to him self, “ its finally fucking done.”

                                              *           *          *

“Want a beer while you set up?” Nora asked as she walked by Niall setting up on the small stage in the back.

He glanced up for a second and nodded, “Yeah, Guinness would be great thanks!” he said before going back to making sure everything was in order for the show.

His phone sat next to him, not a notification for hours. He was getting a little worried that Elena may not show up; maybe she forgot, or maybe she never actually wanted to come in the first place. He shook his head. Of course that’s not why she wasn’t here yet. She wouldn’t have left her number if she didn’t want to come see him. He looked around at the people that were slowly starting to come in. Some regulars sat closer to the table and gave him a small greeting, which he returned. Other people that were probably just there for a drink or two filled in the empty tables everywhere else. He sat on the small stool in front of the microphone, resting his guitar in his lap.

“Hi everyone, I’m Niall Horan and I’m gonna play a few songs for ya tonight. I hope you enjoy,” he smiled and began to play, getting lost in the music and closing his eyes. The whole pub melted away and he felt like he was alone just doing what he loves to do without a care in the world. After what felt like forever, his eyes opened to the sound of clapping and light cheers from the people watching. That’s when he saw her sitting at a small table by herself off to the side. His smile widened as she waved at him slightly. He took a sip of his beer and moved along to the next song in his set. He played through a few more songs before taking a break. Soon Elena was walking toward him clapping lightly.

“So what did ya think?” he raised an eyebrow and looked over at her.

“Niall those songs are amazing! I can’t believe you wrote all those!” she beamed and sat on the edge of the stage, careful not to knock anything over.

“I’m glad I delivered then! Are ya able to stay for the rest of the set? I only have about 5 songs left.” He drank more of his beer and looked at her.

She nodded, “I’m all yours for the night.” Niall felt a slight blush rise to his cheeks at her words, which by her slight laugh, she definitely noticed.

“That’s actually good to hear, because I was wondering if you would wanna stick around after? Want your opinion on something. If that’s okay?

“More than okay. I can’t wait,” she smiled and got up, “I’ll let you get back to it then.” She returned to her table and Niall brought his attention back to the audience to play the remainder of the set.

He finished his last song at about 11:00PM and began to pack up the equipment and one of his coworkers helped him carry it out to his car. He went back in to grab his jacket from the lounge and saw Elena waiting for him by the door.

“Ready?” he asked opening the door for her.

“Lead the way.”

Together they walked to his car and got in. The drive back to his place seemed so fast compared to when he drove alone. Conversation flowed so naturally between them, he couldn’t believe they already had been in the car for thirty minutes till he saw the familiar street signs in the close distance in front of them. He parked the car and helped her out, leading her inside. “Have a seat on the couch, make yourself at home,” he said walking to the kitchen, “would you like anything to drink? Water, beer, wine?”

“A beer sounds great, thanks!” She set her bag on the floor and glanced around, taking in her new surroundings. Niall’s home looked very similar to what she expected, with a few surprises. Family pictures, a college degree, small trinkets all adorned the shelves along the white walls. His TV was mounted above a small fireplace. A small rug lay under his coffee table in front of the couch. She smiled to herself at how much his house matched the small portion of his personality she had seen in the last day. It was sleek and modern, but still felt very comfortable. A beautiful vintage guitar sat off to the side and she walked over to it, running her fingers gently down the neck as she admired it.

“Nice isn’t it?”

His voice made her jump and look at him, “S-sorry,” she stepped back and grabbed the beer he handed to her.

He smiled a bit. “Didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that.”

“You have a really nice place. Very you,” she pointed at the pictures on the shelves of Niall when he was younger. “Those are adorable by the way.”

His head tilted back in a loud laugh and the smile on Elena’s face grew even bigger. “Thaaanks. Was a good lookin�� lad I’d say!” he responded making his way to sit on the couch. She followed and sat next to him leaning against the back of the couch.

“So you wanted my opinion on something?” she raised here eyebrow at him. “ How can I help you out?”

“Right!” He set his bottle down on the table and reached for his guitar. “I wanted you to be the first one to hear the song that took me fuckin ages to write.

Elena sits up a little and smiles “You finished it! How’d you do it?”

“Actually it was what you texted me earlier about your home town. Something about the words ‘things never change in that town’ made something click in me head and the words just came pretty easily after that and,” he started playing the beginning of the song, “ since you helped me finish the song I wanted you to hear it first.”

He looks down at his hands and starts to sing. His eyes slowly started to close as he focused on playing, but her never left his face. She was absolutely mesmerized by how soft he looked singing. Even more so with the sweet, folksy tune that was being played on his acoustic guitar.  He got so into his music that he looked like he had not a care in the entire world. She propped her arm up on the back of the couch and leaned against her hand as her eyes watched his lips and she took in every word that came out of them. She was pulled out of her gaze as the song came to an end and the room fell silent. He opened his eyes and looked at her.

“So how’s it sound? Do I need to work on it at all?” his hands rested on the top of his guitar and played with them anxiously as he waited for her answer.

“Niall, that was… wow…” she looked at his hands and then up at him again.

“I-I know it’s not that great.. It needs work or maybe I should just toss it.” He looked down and set his guitar to the side.

“What are you talking about? Niall that was so sweet. I loved it,” she rested her hand on his, “I promise. You don’t need to work on it or scrap it. You wrote a fucking amazing song.

He blushed and looked at her, “Thanks, Elena. But you helped me write it. Never could’ve done it without ya.” This time she was the one blushing at his words as she looked away and drank more from her bottle. “You wanna hang out for a bit? Could play you some more songs, or we can just watch something on TV. Whatever you want.”

“I wouldn’t say no to a movie. You have any popcorn or snacks?” He nodded at her and they walked to the kitchen grabbing almost every snack Niall had in his cupboards before returning to the couch. Niall turned the TV on and they flipped through the guide to find a movie to watch.

They stayed that way for hours just laughing and joking around with each other, stealing glances every now and then. Niall looked at Elena near the end of their third movie and his eyes took in everything about her. How her beautiful brown eyes focused on the screen and how her they lit up at the lighthearted parts of the movies. Her hair framed her face and she had freckles that dotted the bridge of her nose. His eyes glanced at her lips and all he could think about was how he wanted to kiss her. She looked over and he blushed knowing he had been caught. But Elena just smiled a little and raised an eyebrow at him. He leaned towards her slightly not knowing if she wanted him to do anything or not. He didn’t have to wonder much longer because soon he felt his lips press against his. She kissed him slowly at first until she felt him kiss back. He cupped her face and they shifted to face each other more. He moved his hands to her hips and pulled her closer to him while she wrapped her arms around his neck. They kissed harder and she moved to straddle his hips.

She pulled back slightly, “I-Is this okay?” she asked looking at him.

He nodded and brought his lips back to hers; kissing her gently, “Whatever you’re comfortable with, love.”

She nodded and leaned back in kissing him slowly again. Her hands made their way up to his hair pulling at his little curls slightly causing a soft moan against her lips. Niall knew he needed to pace himself but he felt like he couldn’t it. Kissing her felt so good, he never wanted to stop. He kissed her harder and he felt her pull his hair again making him moan again. His lips moved to her neck and she gasped softly as kissed down it. His hands gently moved her hips to press down against them causing a moan from both of them. He started to lift her shirt slightly but stopped when he felt her hands on his.

He dropped her shirt and leaned back to look at her, “S-Sorry, I thought maybe you wanted to…?”

She shook her head, “No, no, trust me I-I do… but tonight can we just take this a little slower?” He felt her fingers run through his hair and he nodded.

“Of course… like I said, whatever you’re comfortable with, love.”

She smiled slightly and leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips. Her hands slid to his cheeks as she rested her forehead against his. “Sorry to leave you hanging like that,” they both laughed.

“Don’t worry about it. We can stick to this if that’s what you’re okay with. Or we can stop and just watch another movie.” He rubbed his hand gently on her lower back.

“We can watch one more movie and cuddle or something?” she lifted herself off him and sat next to him. He held her close while she leaned her head on his shoulder as another movie played on TV. They stayed that way till they both fell asleep.

                                                 *           *          *

Niall woke up kind of late the next day on his couch covered with a blanket. He sat up and looked around, but seemed to be alone.

“Elena? You still here?” No answer. He sighed and grabbed his phone unlocking it to see a few messages from her waiting.

Slipped out pretty early and didn’t want to wake you

Last night was great btw

But since I still feel bad for leaving you hanging I hope this will help.

His eyes went wide as he saw the picture she sent him. She lay in the bed of her hotel in just her bra and a pair of shorts. The ends of her hair covered her shoulders and one hand rested on her ribs. Niall stared at the picture for a few minutes before he could type a response back to her.

Well that’s a nice surprise to wake up to !

And don’t feel bad about it , it was still great .

Thought you’d enjoy that!

Maybe we can see each other again before I leave?

Maybe we can actually…

You know…

Elena , I think this is about to be the start of a lovely friendship !

                                               *           *          *

Over the next year, they had kept up a routine of being a relief for each other when it was needed. There was no romantic commitment, but it was consistent and that’s all they needed. They always found a way back to visit one another. He would visit her, she would visit him, and sometimes they’d meet in the middle. When none of that worked out they survived on video chats and pictures. For the first time in months, Niall was back on his way to see her. His plane touched down and as soon as he could he texted her to let her know he was here. His knee was shaking waiting for people to get all their bags and exit the plane. He had traveled with as little items as he could so he would just have to grab his luggage from baggage claim. Soon Niall was off the plane, had his bag, and was in a car to see her. Getting to her house he brought his stuff to the front door and knocked only once before it swung open.

“Finally!” Elena wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in for a hug, practically dragging him inside.

“Easy now, ya don’t wanna knock me over!” He laughed and hugged her back kicking the door shut behind him.

She pulled him close and pressed her lips against his, “can you blame me?” her hands slid down his chest and pulled his shirt off. “I’ve missed my favorite friend.”

He smirked and kissed back, “I missed ya too, love.”

[redditnosleep]

I've Been Seeing A Man In My Backyard For The Past Two Nights

by Opinionson

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 (Final)

To start I need to give some background:I am a male who lives in relatively nice neighborhood

It’s your average small town run of the mill suburbs area with not a lot of people.

I am a college kid who’s home on break while my parents have gone away which doesn’t help at all.

I have a two story house

I do not have gun nor do I have any real weapons other than kitchen knives

I am not on any medication and I have no record of schizophrenia or any other mental illnesses

I barely have any relationships with my neighbors most of whom are elderly and the rest I have minimal contact with

I do not have any people in my neighborhood (that I know of) who have reasons to attack or harm me

Now, let's get into what has been happening. About two nights ago I woke up very late in the night and I went to the bathroom to go take a shit. Now, my second story bathroom has a window that can see the entirety of my backyard. Directly behind it is a cul de sac which you can see directly into. There is a group of trees and pile of rocks and mulch that divides it. Usually I can see everything in my backroom without turning on my because lights from my neighbor's house dimly lights the room.

As I am using the toilet I look outside and I notice there is a car parked directly facing my house in the cul de sac. Now if you have ever seen a cul de sac before you would know that when you park you always either park next to the curves of the sac or the sides of the street. This car was directly facing the curve behind my house. I thought this was extremely strange considering whoever parked must have been there to visit someone, but if that were the case then why would they have not parked in one of the driveways? The people who lived behind me were both elderly so they probably didn’t have some big block party I didn’t know about, and even then only an idiot would park like that.

As I stared into the car I could distinguish a figure in the driver's seat, just sitting there. Since the lights were not on in my bathroom whoever was in the car probably couldn’t see me through that window. At this point I was determined to see just who the fuck was in there, so I went downstairs, got my binoculars from my dad’s closet, and went back to my bathroom to see who was there.

Take in mind this is 3 in the fucking morning, what person would be in their car just sitting there in the middle of the winter? As I go into my bathroom, I look outside to find...nothing. The car had since left. I thought it was relief seeing as I probably was just freaking out over nothing and the person was just leaving whoever they were visiting, but then again, what are the odds that the moment I notice the car that's the moment that the person leaves?

I finally calmed myself down and went back to sleep. The next day a mix of boredom and paranoia got the better of me; I decided it was time for some investigation. I go to my backyard cul de sac to see if there was any trace of the person who was there last night. Nothing. I go to my neighbors to see if they had anybody over the other night; maybe it would clarify just why the fuck somebody would be parked there. I asked both the owners of the 2 houses on the curves the cul de sac, all of whom said they did not have visitors. I asked for their numbers and I left.

This is when my paranoia really started to kick in. This was fucked up, I had no clue whether the person was coming back later, and I can’t call the police as they won’t respond to a complaint that isn’t even valid. I decide to wait until later to see if the person came back. I spent that night talking with my college friends about it over video chat, all of whom thought I was either making it up, or freaking out over nothing. I sign off and watch netflix until it's pretty late. The entire time I just kept thinking about looking out my window to check, but since my friends had told me I was worrying about nothing and also since I am a bit of a coward I just never checked it.

Finally the clock ticked 3:24 am, the exact time I woke up the night before. I thought fuck it, might as well check to be sure. This is where I absolutely shit myself, the same exact car was parked, and there was a man in a black hoodie and a ski mask standing right next to it just staring at my house. I immediately ran to go get my phone dialed my neighbors, none of which answered. I ran back to the window, only to see that he was standing in my fucking backyard. This was no longer a burglary attempt, because if it was he would be looking through my lower house windows trying to break in. This had to be some sort of a stalker.

I decided fuck this and opened up my window and screamed at the top of my lungs “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”. No response. “I’M GOING TO CALL THE FUCKING POLICE GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY!” I yelled. Finally the man spoke “HAVE A NICE DAY!” in like that cheery way a cashier at the store would say when you are leaving. The man waltzed (and I literally mean waltzed like a happy cartoon character) back to his car and left.

I called the police department immediately. They asked me if I had any friends who were trying to play a prank on me, I said no. Like I said, this town was relatively small and the police did jack shit. They told me that if it happens again to call them immediately. I am shitting myself right now, it’s currently 11:00 pm, and god knows he’ll be back tonight. I am going to be looking out my window all night waiting for him. I’ll keep you all in touch if anything happens. Wish me luck.

Edit 12:24 am: I am currently staring outside looking out my window waiting for the man to come. I have informed my neighbors about his arrival and they have told me they are also on the look out. I feel extremely nervous but at least I have my neighbors helping me out. I just want this to be over.

Edit 1:24 am: Nothing has shown up yet. Got a call from my mom about a half hour ago. I haven't told them about any of the shit happening. I just told her I loved her and hung up the phone. My friends have been snap chatting me asking me about this shit. I said that I'll try to get a picture of him if I can. If I do I'll upload it so you guys can see.

Edit 1:34 am: Neighbors told me they see a car parked up the street from them. One of my neighbors who's in his mid 40's says he's going to check it out. My foot is tapping the floor like crazy right now.

Edit 1:37 am: False alarm. Turns out it was just the car of a family who just got home. Fuck me this suspense is making me sick.

Edit 1:48 am: One of my neighbors says he is going to sleep. This isn't good. I just hope the rest of them hold out for me until the rest of the night. I don't know if I'm going to fall asleep at all. I've already chugged two cups of coffee and I'm as alert as possible.

Edit 2:11 am: I was looking out my window when I heard something in the bushes of my backyard. I couldn't tell whether it was the the guy, the wind, or some animal so I shined turned on the light in my backyard and saw nothing. I think the paranoia is getting to me.

Edit 2:17 am: Alright it's official, I am losing my shit. I heard something crash in my kitchen and I ran down to see what was happening. Some pan had fallen over from the shelf. Nothing notable but it scared the absolute shit out of me. I went back upstairs to start looking out the window again, at one of the streets right of my backyard which is about 200 yards away, through the trees I saw a car at a corner flashing its brights repeatedly and then making a right driving away from the street leading to my house. What the fuck is going on?! Is this motherfucker taunting me?

Edit 2:32 am: Alright. /u/joeenid1 has freaked me the fuck out. I'm out of here. I'm bringing my laptop and my wallet and phone with me and staying in my neighbors house. I'm not staying here another second after reading that man. Fuck that.

Edit 2:40 am: I am currently at my neighbor's house staring into my backyard/the cul de sac. I walked out my back door and sprinted and rang the door bell as fast as possible. They saw me and opened the door immediately. Scariest shit I have ever done I was worried he was gonna pull up any second. Now I just wait and hope for the best.

Edit 2:51 am: Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I am dreading what will happen at 3:24 though. I saw 2 cars pass by my house. I couldn't tell if they were the same car as the one the stalker was using. At the same time I cant tell if its was the same car passing by both ways. This guy is playing tricks on my mind. I am ready to dial 911 at any second now. I called my parents and told them what is happening; they said they will be on their way home tomorrow. God please protect me.

Edit 3:01 am: This guy is definitely coming. A car came up the street on the cul de sac and started flashing it's high beams again and left. He is trying to fuck with my mind. Thank god I left the house, because the direction he is going he is definitely coming back around to my house. Fuck I'm scared and I'm not even in my house anymore. The moment i even see him outside his car I am calling the police.

Edit 3:11 am: My neighbor and I both agreed we are going to leave the house and drive to the police station as soon as we see him park near my house. My heart is racing. I can't believe I had just waiting in my house alone for the past couple hours. What the fuck was I thinking.

Edit 3:20 am: Still nothing yet. Even if he doesn't come I sure as hell am not going back. I'm not even sure if I'll stay here. This is the scariest shit that has ever happened to me holy fuck.

Edit 3:25 am: SOMEONE HAS PARKED IN MY FUCKING DRIVEWAY!!!!!!! I am getting the fuck out of here. I'll try to update you guys on mobile or later when if they arrest this guy but I am leaving now. Thank you all for the support. And thanks /u/joeenid1 you may have saved my life.

Edit 1:15 pm 2/19/17- For those who are concerned I am alive. I went to the police station and I have been questioned and they are working on finding the guy. They haven't found him yet unfortunately. I went to a hotel and got some sleep and I just woke up. I'll write more about this in a new post but for right now I am just taking some time to get this sorted out. Thanks to everyone for their support.

[aria-i-adagio]

This Body Breathes From Inertia

Fandom: The Arcana

Wordcount: 4100

Masterpost

Trigger warnings: minor character death, acute grief, self harm, excoriation, dissociation

Five years ago.  The Red Plague.

“You did everything you could.  Literally, I, uh, couldn’t have done anything else.”  The doctor was young, only a few years older than me, and skinny as a bean pole and with the slightest hint of an accent when he spoke the trade language.  Shouldn’t say that.  Everyone had an accent when they spoke the trade language.  That was the point of a trade language.  He had a faint non-Vesuvian accent when he spoke the trade language.  

He wasn’t wearing one of those ghastly masks.  Thank God for that - if God still deserved thanks.  I was more in a mood to lay into God with every invective I knew.  Anna, my aunt, hated those masks.  Claimed they wouldn’t do much more than just covering your mouth with a kerchief anyway.  In the three weeks since her eyes started turning red, I had burnt every kerchief in the house and then given up entirely, assuming that I’d sicken soon enough anyway.

“I’m sorry.”  He took a tiny vial out of his bag and offered it to me.  “Laudanum.  It might help if she’s in pain, but only give her a drop or two at a time.  Anymore will -”

“I have opium.”  I cut him off.  I’m a fucking apothecary; of course, I have opium.  And the implication behind carefully stating just how much would be too much, well, I understood that as well.  “And if I decide that she’d want me to end it, I can think of at least five other admixtures I have the ingredients for that would do the job as well.  Keep that for someone else.  It won’t be very long now anyway.”

He put the bottle back in his bag, talking quietly as he does so, perhaps just to fill the silence as it’s all common knowledge.  “The carts come round in the morning.  I know, if seems awful, but the mass graves, they’re the best way to minimize the contagion being passed on.  You should burn all that bedding too.”

I nodded absently and continued stroking the back of my aunt’s hand, counting the seconds between each increasingly shallow breath.  It didn’t seem awful; it was awful.  But he was right.  Even if the quarantines and the dead wagons - carting off the deceased like so many cattle - have down nothing thus far, they were the best of multiple bad options.

“Hey, do you, um, have anyone else?  Someone to help you, maybe.”

The doctor touched my shoulder, bringing me back from my grim musings.  I looked up at him, paying attention to his face for the first time.  Gray eyes, nearly lost in dark circles - he didn’t look like he’d slept more than I had in the past few weeks.  Friends?  I felt too empty to even think of myself as the type of thing that could have anything, much less friends.  There was Artemis, but she had been trying carefully to avoid the plague victims as much as she could.  It was too easy for her to spread the contagion to already vulnerable women and infants.  But I wanted Asra with me most.  “He’s traveling right now.”  I twisted the ring Asra gave me before he left - two trips ago, maybe, they blur together, he often seems like he’s gone more than he’s here - around on my finger.  He was supposed to return soon and bring with him some of the rarer herbs and medicines that we didn’t stock, that we hoped would do some more good for the plague than what we had tried some far.  But, he was too late.  As usual.  Always running late.

The doctor frowned, rummaged around in the pockets of his coat, and then handed me an unlabeled glass flask.  “For you.  Not officially approved, but it takes the edge off.”

I gave him a skeptical look.  This was not the sort of thing I expected from someone in ‘professional’ medicine.  But, what the hell?  I uncorked the bottle and took a swig, managing not to make a face as the liquor burnt its way down into my stomach.  My second drink was slower.  “It’s not bad.  I like a drink to bite me back, at least a little bit.  What is it?”

“Slivovitsa - plum brandy.  My grannies swear by it for basically everything.  Not that this is as good as theirs.”

I held the flask back out to him, but he shook his head.

“Keep it.”

Another cough racked Anna’s frail body - weaker than the last.  Any strength she had left to try and clear her lungs was fading fast.  I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and rearranged the pillows behind her so that she’s a bit more upright.  Once she’s settled, I held a shallow cup of water to her cracked lips and blotted away what she doesn’t drink - most of it, probably all of it - with a square of cloth.  Another for the burning pile.

When I look up, the doctor was still watching me with those exhausted gray eyes.  There weren’t a lot of sad eyes left in Vesuvia; we’d all become too acclimated to pain and death to show any response on our jaded faces.  But his eyes were curiously, somehow, still melancholic.

“You can go.  I know you can’t do anything.”

“I, uh, I’ll stop by tomorrow.  To check on you.”

“You don’t have to.  We all know how this ends.”

“I will anyway.”

***

A few hours past midnight, her eyes blinked open for a moment, then with a final rattling cough, she died.  I convinced myself that she had looked at me, and faintly, ever so very very faintly, had squeezed my hand.  Maybe it really happened, maybe it was a figment of my sleep deprived imagination.  But believing it made me feel a little better.

I arranged her limbs into something that vaguely looked peaceful, surrounded her with flowers we had dried the past summer - chamomile, lavender, and rose - and knotted the bedsheets into a shroud.   Finally, I gathered her up in my arms, using magic to steady my self on the steps, but taking her diminished weight on myself, sure that I needed to do this last task for her on my own.  Some final, last acknowledgement who she was to me, since I couldn’t bury her properly.  

When dawn came with the wagons to collect the dead, I pacing in front of the shop,  shawl pulled tight against the cool air that passes for winter in the Vesuvian climate, and counting the cobblestones in the street to try to keep the roaring in my head at bay.  As the wagon pulled away, the roaring terminated, and I slumped back against the door of the shop, knees no longer able to bear my weight and curled into a small, shaking bundle of sobs.     

I pulled myself up after a passer by poked me with a stick to see if I was still alive, and staggered back into the shop, into my home.  Forced myself to drink a cup of water.  I should sleep.  I knew that I should sleep.  But I also knew I would dream, and I could predict what those dreams would be.  I didn’t want them.

I started taking apart the upstairs bedroom instead.  By late afternoon, I’d tossed all the bedding from the window to the yard below and dragged it far enough away that I wouldn’t set the shop on fire by mistake.  I summoned a flame, more than I really needed for the pile to catch light, but I was sad and angry, and it felt good to destroy something.  

I watched it burn, then started shooing my chickens - so happily oblivious - into their coop for the night.  As I latched the gate shut on their enclosure, a voice called to me from the gate.  Auburn hair was just visible above the high fence - the doctor from last night?  He had said he’s come by, but I hadn’t believed him.  Certainly that had just been a nice thing to say at the time.  I pulled the gate and looked him up and down.  No uniform, and there’s a wrinkled dog tagging along at his heels.

“Hey, I said I’d check on you.”

“She’s dead.  I’m alive.  Thanks.”  My response bordered on rude - no, actually, quite rude - but I didn’t really care, even if he was trying to be kind.  I didn’t have the emotional reserves to respond in the way I knew that I should.

My answer didn’t seem to put him off.  “Can I, could I step in for a minute?  I wanted to talk to you.”

“Is your dog going to attack my chickens?”

He laughed, and it was an odd sound, almost shocking, maybe even scandalous, to hear laughter.  “Nah, I can promise that she’s too damn lazy to chase a chicken.”

I silently held the gate open for him, and he walked into the back yard.  The fire behind me has turned into a roaring blaze.  “Sorry, I didn’t get your name last night.”

“Oh, um, yeah, Julian Devorak.  You took me seriously about burning the bedding.”

“Yep.”  I folded myself into an ironwork chair.  Iron shouldn’t, couldn’t hold any of the plague.  In folktales iron would counteract the supernatural, quell it, and the longer this pestilence ravaged the city, the more rational accepting a fey, irrational origin for the suffering seemed.  Right?  Iron and fire.  Maybe those were the solutions.  “Cleaned out pretty much everything in that room.”    

“You did that all on your own?”  He sat down in the chair opposite of mine.  “I thought a neighbor or someone would -”

I gestured absently at the chair he’s sitting in and floated it a few inches off the ground.  Ah, yes, this isn’t a folktale and iron doesn’t counteract the supernatural.  Or at least iron doesn’t counteract my magic.  So much for the supernatural as a diagnosis and iron for a prescription.  Back to square one.  Death, lots of death, from an unexplained and untreatable illness.  

As the chair rose, the doctor grabbed the arms and yelped in surprise.  His dog gave me a disapproving look that I did deserve, and I gently let the chair settle back onto the ground.

“I’m not exactly helpless.”

“I see that.”  His face has gone paler, if that was even possible, at the display of magic.  “But still.  I’m sorry that you, uh, had to do that alone.”

“The slivovitsa helped.”  I pulled the bottle out of my shirt pocket and drank the last mouthful.  I’d also been nursing a bottle of whiskey all day, half expecting Anna to step into the room and inform me that day drinking is not a healthy coping strategy.  But she hadn’t.  Of course she hadn’t.  Staring at the fire, I shrugged out of the bulky shirt I had on a sleeveless blouse and tossed it in with everything else.  Despite the fire, the night air chilled me quickly and I wrapped my arms tight around my torso.  I should probably burn all the clothing I’d worn while cleaning, but I supposed that can wait until the doctor - until Julian - leaves.  “Thanks for that.”

“When is your husband getting back?”

“Husband?”  It was staccato and bitter, but I couldn’t help but laugh as I imagined Asra’s face at having that vocabulary applied to him.  His eyebrows would pull together for a moment, then the right one would lift in concert with the corner of his mouth curling in something halfway between amusement and disgust.

“Sorry, I assumed with the ring and you, uh, you said he.”

The alcohol in my blood said he was cute when him stammered.  Or at least, I blamed the alcohol.  

“You’re observant.”  I picked up a stick and poked at the embers.  “He is at best a term of convenience when talking about Asra.  And I don’t know what word you’d use for what we are.”  Lovers?  Non exclusive lovers - what’s the word for that?  Two people who keep coming home to each other, despite whoever and whatever else we got involved with in the interim.  I curled my free hand against my mouth, lips pressed against the ring I’m wearing.  “He should be home in the next week.  Should be.  Doesn’t mean he will be.  He gets distracted sometimes.”  Distracted is also not quite the right word for Asra, but again, I’m not sure what word you would use to explain his convoluted, occasionally non linear sense of time.

“They’ve closed down the port.  I hear they’re planning to seal off the city gates soon.”

“Oh, that won’t stop him.“  I sometimes suspected that Asra could pass through walls and step between mirrors if he so desired.  "Why are you here, Dr. Devorak?  I can’t imagine you take this much interest in the family of every person who dies.”

“I, well, I meant it when I said I thought you did everything you could, and I wanted to know more about what you used.”

“She’s still dead.”  One of the four universals, along with aloneness, lack of meaning, and the terrifying responsibility of free will.  But Death comes for us all, no matter the virtuous or unvirtuous choices we’ve made.  It bleaches them of meaning and abandons us in finitude.  Intellectualizing.  A coping mechanism.  Not always a good one.  But it’s something.

“Yes, but …”

Anna had survived for three weeks after her eyes turned red, instead of the handful of days most plague victims counted.  After watching her become slowly feebler and feebler before slipping into that last long coma, I wasn’t convinced that was a good thing.  Perhaps it was easier to go quickly.  But still, I sighed and began to rattle off what Anna and I tried - first for our neighbors and customers who had come developed then sickness, then for her.  “Boneset and willow bark for the fever and aches.  Start the tincture at the new moon so that it will draw out the active parts of the plant.  Pleurisy root and horehound for the cough and the lung congestion as a oxymel.  A salve of ginger, arnica, and comfrey for swollen joints.  Those should be extracted into an oil while the moon is waning.  I use spellwork to complement the herbs, some of which I can attach to charms, some of which I have to be present to work.  All of that only treats the symptoms.  We tried echinacea and elderberry to build immune systems, but it didn’t work.  I found a reference to an herb from the west that supposedly cured a plague there, but -”  I shrugged, it was a folktale in an old book, not a solid lead.  But library research was one of the things I knew I was good at, and lately I wasn’t feeling very confident in my ability to do anything.  “Asra is supposed to bring some back with him.  But none of it really seems to do any good.  Is there anything else you want to know?”

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset.  I’m exhausted.”  The dog pushed her head into my hands, and I rubbed her velvety ears absently before pressing my face against her warm body, trying to fight back the tears that I had kept myself from crying for the entire day.  “And the only family that gave a damn about me just died, so excuse me if my conversation skills are lacking.”  I hadn’t heard from the rest of my family in years … not since … well, perhaps I couldn’t blame them.  My mother had - apparently - given up after the third letter I didn’t respond to.  My father had sent a book of sacred texts, littered with notes on scrap paper after I had first come to live with Anna, but nothing since.

He was silent for a minute, then I heard the chair shift as he stood up.  His hand was warm - more comforting than I could admit I wanted - when he placed it on my shoulder.  “Listen.  Just, uh, think about this.  When you’re ready, I could use an assistant, preferably someone who knows something, because nothing I’ve tried works either.”

 I angrily wiped tears away from my eyes.  “What would be the point?  No one recovers from this.”

“I want to be the kind of person who at least tries.”  He squeezed my shoulder and without thinking, my head fell against his arm.  He moved again, kneeling behind the chair until he could wrap both of his arms around me in an awkward, surprisingly welcome hug.  “Just think about it, okay?”

***

I scrubbed the shop: attic to basement.  Hot water and strong vinegar until the skin started to peel from my fingers.  Scalded every piece of fabric I could in the washtub.  Laid the cushions and blankets out for the sun to purify then dragged them all back in.  Paced around the shop with burning sage and hyssop.   I filled the tub with water as hot as I could stand and crawled in, worrying at my hands and arms with a pumice stone until the abrasions began to bleed, like the day bleeding into the night then back again.  And when I couldn’t lift another finger, I fell out on the cushions in the backroom and waited, staring at the ceiling for hours until I thought of something I might forgotten to clean, to burn, to purify.  And then I did it.  First time, second time, third, fifth, eighth - it didn’t matter, so long as it was something to keep the silence beginning to scream again, echoing, roaring like the sea trapped within a conch shell.

Lies.  It was screaming the whole time.

I tried not to close my eyes.

If I closed them, I’d lose grasp on this reality.

This reality because I’m not sure which reality is more real right now.

If I closed my eyes the fey aching tracings are my arms become more real.

Past tense confused with present tense with future tense.  No.  Past perfect.

Fait accompli.

It won’t change anything if I drag a knife along those lines.  They’re already there.

Except I wouldn’t be lying anymore.  Pretending to be something I’m not.  Faking being healed and whole instead of the accumulation of broken parts, the exquisite corpse that I actually am.  No more lies.  Just the nightmare they hide.

But if I kept my eyes open - keep looking for new details in the tapestry on the wall, the brocade of the cushion in clutching, keep looking at anything - those lines are a trick of my mind.  Didn’t happen again.  A misfiring, misrepresentation of something in my brain.  Somatization.  

There are more words, better words, for this reality.  Maybe that makes it the more real one?  If I don’t lose words, I don’t lose this reality.  Derealization.  Dissociation. Depersonalization.  Mad.  Lunatic.  Liar.

No, those aren’t good words.  Real.  But not good.

Real is what I touch.  Fabric.  Wool.  Linen.  Silk.  Cotton.  Jacquard.  Twill.  Herringbone.  Velvet.  Flannelette.  Knit.

I could keep the other reality at bay.  Just barely.  It’s roaring, pacing at the limits.  A lion in a too small cage.  

Cross stitch.  Silk stitch.  French knots.  Applique.  Blanket stitch.  Crow’s foot tack.

But if I don’t close my eyes it won’t take over.  Not yet.  Not already.

Just a little while longer.  Just keep my eyes open a little bit longer.

I think it was the third day that Asra came home.  I was buried under a pile of blankets in the backroom, dozing.  I half roused when his dropped his bundles on the floor, and then his hands were on my shoulders, pulling me upright, pushing hair back out of my face.  “Dema?”  

“She’s dead.  She’s dead, and you weren’t here, and I’ve been alone, and, and …”

“She?  Anna?”  Asra gathered me into his arms.  “Oh.”  He rocked back and forth, pressing his face into the top of my head.  Faust, cool and smooth, wrapped around my shoulders.  Asra shook with the sobs that I had cried out days before day.

At some point, curled together in a little pile of misery, we fell asleep.

He was checking my arms when I wake up.  I couldn’t blame him, and his hands on mine felt more soothing than anything else.  I smiled at him weakly.  "No cuts.  No burns.”  It wasn’t exactly something I should feel accomplished about.  The scrapes from pumice stones were bad enough.  But I did.

“Oh, dear heart.  I’m so sorry.”  He kissed the this of my fingers and the inside of my wrist.  “Can I -?”  I closed my eyes and nodded.  He methodically ran his thumb over each of the scrapes.  The places he touched grew warm for a moment as the skin knitted itself back together.  He settled himself against me, head resting on my breast, and I sighed and ran my hands through his soft hair.

“I made it.  Kind of, at least.”

“You did.  I can hear your heart beating.”

“I finally just laid in here and went through all the different fibers and weaves and stitches.”

“Heh."  He pressed his lips softly against my collarbone.  "I’m glad there are so damn many fabrics in here then.  You’re stronger than you think you are.”

“I’m just a stubborn bitch.”

“Whatever works, my love.”  His fingertips traced along my arm.  I buried my hand in his hair and kneaded my fingers along his scalp.

“I’m sorry, Asra.  I know she was important to you too.” 

“What are you sorry for?”

“Losing it like that.”

He was silent for a moment, fingertips still tracing small circles on my upper arm.  “I understand.  I should have been here.”

“No, no,  You didn’t even know she was sick.  It was just hard.”

“I know.”  He kissed my collarbone again.  “You’re shaking.  When did you last eat?”

My response was more of a noncommittal noise than an answer.  Asra sat back up next to me and runs a hand over my forehead.  "Dema, is there any food in the house?“

"I -"  I tried to remember when I ate.  I couldn’t.  I wasn’t even exactly sure how many days had passed.  I thought I had kept the chickens fed.  I hoped I had kept the chickens fed and watered.  I really didn’t know.  Shit … they might have started eating each other.  They’d do that.  "I’m sorry, I don’t know, I -”

“Sh, it’s okay, love.  It’s fine.”  He leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine.  “I’m going to go upstairs, make some tea, and see if I can find something for you to nibble on, then I’ll go to the market and bring back something good."  Another kiss.  "It’s alright.”

“Asra -” I grabbed at his hands, panicking, afraid that if he left the room again, he wouldn’t be back, wouldn’t have actually been here at all.  “Don’t -”

“Come upstairs with me.” I sat up and curled around my knees, shaking my head.  I wasn’t ready to go back up there, to the stripped and barren space that had been home.  Either cleaning it hadn’t removed the ghosts, or it had sent them away, and I wasn’t sure which idea was more frightening.  I didn’t want to know which it is.  Until I know, until I go back up there, the state is both and neither, and perhaps the space can hold the ghosts of better memories while being purged of those last few weeks.

“Faust.”  Asra said his familiar’s name softly and the snake slid into my lap, a welcome weight.  I ran my fingers over her very real head.  Faust was here, so Asra was here.  Simple math.  “Faust will stay with you.  I’ll be right back, promise.”

I nodded and lifted Faust from my lap, draping her around my neck.  I wish she could talk to be like she does Asra, but just having her with me helps.  “I’m, I’m going to go wash my face.”

“That’s good.” Asra grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet, looking concerned at my unsteady gait.  I kept a hand on the wall and managed a wan smile for him.  The washroom is on the ground floor, I least won’t have to manage any stairs.  Asra nodded.  “Alright,  I’ll be right back down.”

I splashed some cool water on my face and run my fingers through my hair a few times before stumbling back into my room with its nest of cushions.  Asra isn’t long with a steaming teapot in one hand and a mug in the other.  He set the teapot near me on the floor and pressed the mug into my hands.  Chamomile.  With quite a lot of honey in.

“There isn’t any food left in the house.”  

“Sorry, I might have thrown it all out.  Along with everything else.”

He fumbled through his traveling bag for some coin.  “It’s alright, but I’ve got to go down to the market and get something.”  My fingers tightened around the warm mug.  “Faust will stay with you.  I won’t be gone but for a few minutes.”

I closed my eyes and nodded trying to focus on the warmth of the tea in my hands and the cool weight of Faust draped around my shoulder, but I couldn’t quite slow my breathing.  His hand is on the latch when I open them.  “Asra.”  He stopped and turning before stepping back over to me and leaning down to press his lips to my forehead.  

“I will never not come back to you, dear heart.  I promise.”  His fingertips traced over my jaw.  “And I won’t be long.  Just a few minutes.

***

I reopened the shop a week after Asra returned.  One person knocked on the door to see if I had any herbs left, and then slowly, more people wandered in - more than I thought would have braved the specter of a plague death.  But then, there wasn’t much of anywhere left in the city that wasn’t sepulchral by that point. 

One visitor was the doctor.

Asra was out of the shop, trying to track down honey.  I had run out, and while most of the herbs for coughs were still useful without it, they really did do best compounded in a oxymel.  Having Asra back was a help.  He kept me from tearing up my hands in the hope of cleaning them, generally by holding me tight against him until the impulse had passed.  And he at least got me to sleep through part of the night in addition to naps throughout the day.  

The doctor waited patiently, studying the intricate diagrams with which Anna had decorated the shop, while I explained a charm to a customer.  Customer might not have been the right term.  Anna and I had stopped charging for anything related to treating the plague weeks before.  I wrapped the enchanted trinket -  it didn’t especially matter what I embedded the spell in - the cheapest charm from the market would do as well as the most valuable jewelry - up in paper, and the customer left, doorbell ringing behind them.

“Can I get you something Dr - uhm.”  My voice trailed off as I blanked entirely on his name.

He winked at me and smiled.  “Just call me Julian.  No, I just wanted to check on you.  And thank you.”

“For what?”  I smoothed the remaining sigils from the sand tray I used for spellwork and lined the styluses up in the slots above it.  

“The, um, suggestions you gave me.  They’ve been helping.  Really, more than anything else I was trying.”

“But not a cure,” I said softly as I stepped out from behind the counter.

“No.  But it’s more than what I had to work with before.”  He looked away from me, back to one of the geometric designs on the wall.  “Have you thought about it?”

He began to trace the pattern on the diagram; I pushed his hand away from it.  The lines were part of an array for recombining the energies of various substances.  Anna really shouldn’t have put them on the wall where a curious person could unknowing activate them, even if it was a rather attractive diagram.  

“About what?”  

“Working with me.  I meant it when I said I could use your help.”

“I … actually, I had forgotten.”

“It’s okay.  You’ve been -”

“- but I will.  Think about it, I mean.”

He smiled again.  Lopsided, the left corner of his mouth picking up a moment before the right.  “I’m glad to hear that.  Here.”  He extended his hand, offering me a folded square of paper.  “That’s the address of the clinic I run.  South side.”

I tucked the paper into my pocket.  “I’ll think about it.  Really.”

“I’ll just hope I see you again then.  Soon, maybe.”

Chapter Ten

A/N: This chapter title is taken from a song by the Russian groups Bi-2 and Agata Kristi, ‘Vse kak on skazal.’  The video is actually pretty cool even if you don’t know Russian.