#ill be an artist in every life I live cant be anything else

[thetrashywritingwitch]

Ok shut up STFU!! 🖤

I did the selfship moodboard thing... Feeling vulnerable rn uwu... Everyone else's was cute so WHATEVER thanks Pinterest and @willowser 🫣

[sophiesonlinediary]

i’ve never loved anything in my life as a footnote.

music? i listen to it everyday just to never be alone with my thoughts. i memorize the chords and the artists name, why they wrote the song and how they connect to it. i psychoanalyse every lyric, i research the producer and what they have spoken about the song and why they chose to go for that beat. i listen to the live version and pay attention to the singers voice and how they enunciate every word their feeling etched into each delivery. i have music tattooed on my heart.

books? i live in them. i emerge myself in the fantasies of others savoring the stories of characters i’ll never personally know. i live in the little fantasies annotating words that make me feel what no human could ever. i make pinterest boards, spotify playlists, even posters, as a way to show my love for them. i rave about it to my friends and still sit in wonder at the end of the day at how words on paper can make me feel alive, can bring me new emotions i’m still yet discovering.

movies? they’re my religion, another form of escape from this world. i watch actors play a part bringing it to life the same way i do in my day to day fantasies. i watch the story evolve and how the director find ways to tell it in 1-3 hours. months of work finally coming together to make the final product. i delve into the actors lives, the set team, hoping ill be able to fill the void set there the second the screen turned black.

i log everything i do.

i watched a movie? letterboxd. i read a book? goodreads. i listened to an album? aoty.

everything i love, everyone i love, will always be important to me. i make a list of thing in my notes app i know you love, your little habits, the color of your eyes when you look at the sun for too long, because i cant afford to not love. i fear my time on earth to be wasted by not giving everything my all. i memorize lines from poetry that make me feel seen, i put posters on my wall for the art i appreciate, i decorate my room in my favorite color just to make the point clear that i love it. ill hug you a dozen times a day and make sure you feel alright. because sometimes loving everything and everyone else more than yourself is easier maybe im scared that if i take away everything i love i wont be sure about who i am. in the dead of night when im alone with my thoughts, without a book in my hand, or headphones blasting music, who am i? the song has ended but the melodies continue, in my head they go round making no space for the thoughts i’m afraid will creep in.

[artisticmenace]

PROSHIPPERS DNI I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!

Other DNIs below.

im approachable and you should talk to me. cue hypnosis. on or off anon. you can literally never talk to me again if you wanted. this is the internet and idk who you are or where you live ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello, dear friends and accociates. Welcome to the normal info section.

hiii. I'm tabs. I'm suuuper gay(asexual panromantic). I'm also an artist. Any scorn or prejudice will be promptly ignored. Criticism will be looked over as long as its constructive.

profile picture forever and always by me. unless this message changes in which im not using my own art as a pfp anymore.

fun facts:

im not a stoner but a lot of people think i am

i <3 maximalism and i want to be cecil palmer

in an ideal world i would be a clown

Status:

dude i AM the stress ball

About me:

I have a bunch of OCs, and I'm writing so many (unfinished)books... Yeah, that's right. I like to suffer and die creatively TWICE!! I can not be helped. I'm just goofy like that sometimes. I hate most non canon ships for fandoms im in, but I'll probably just go "ew" and leave you alone(depends on the ship, really). I haven't been tested for autism or ADHD but enough things line up, so I'm like 80% sure. The 20% is self-doubt. I like to dress fancy, and my general look is deep woods cottagecore that has recently drank from the lake of maximalism. You won't see pictures of me, probably, because my room is NOT clean. Sometimes, I vent on here, but that's because I am the only demographic this blog needs. I love you, too, but your feelings are only being considered a little bit. I use tone tags every now and then if I feel I would be misunderstood. On that note, I am more likely to ignore or ask for clarification if you say something rancid or silly than get on your ass about it.

Those Days:

I'm gonna be making a comic called Those Days about a small town old gay couple, Scott and Rodney, telling their life's story. They've been friends since their sophomore year in high school, and they've seen a lot. Scott was a punk, to say the least.

For the actual comic, you'll need to thosedayscomic, the blog I made for the comic.

^^ I'm currently working on the first issue. I do have lots of art of them though.

Tags for my comic:

those days, those days comic. also any character names first and last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Current Fixations:

Camp Here and There (Waiting for S2)

Welcome to Night Vale (all caught up)

The Magnus Archives (help)

The Magnus Protocol (screaming)

Good Omens (wkealt. wbotpfalt.)

Gravity Falls (fan for a while and now ive read through the book of bill. cryifn)

What's Currently Crippling:

good omens is going to kill me. i will never be able to think of anything else what the hell

Also:

I love interaction! I will always discuss my interests, and l o r e when asked. In other words, PLEASE TALK TO ME !!!

If you want to use my art for your pfp go ahead, just credit me.

Don't repost my art. Please and thankies.

i use ibispaintx btw and i watch the ads for my brushes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Art Requests/Asks: Open!!

Art Trades: Open!!

DMs: Open(as long as you arent a creep or an asshole obviously)

(cant do commissions because the world hates me but dont be shy to trade me. not particular on what i get back as long as i made someone happy. cause it feels amazing to see something i did made someone happy)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DNI LIST because I'm a little hater:

proshippers (what the fuck. what the actual fuck. fictional or not.)

active members of the hazbin/helluva fandom(if i am reminded of that shitshow when you interact with my page UTAFSHBDBDBDJNSJAGAHAOSHHAGA)

racists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes, etc

pro-israel.

18+ blogs (a whole minor)

those problematic "sexualities" (ex. super straight, MAP, zoosexual)(also RCTA what the fuck)

people who fake disabilities/mental illness

people who actively misuse words that describe mental illnesses even though they are well informed about that sort of thing

those fucking people who ruin pretty houses and antique furniture and old clothing. fuck you.

people who write smut about canonically sex repulsed asexual characters(jonathan sims) and just people who decide they dgaf about anything like that. bi-erasure, aro-erasure. anything erasure. i hope youre having a terrible day.

sydelijah shippers get out.

(this one is unserious) people who dont deadname twitter

PRO HOA YOU DONT EVEN BELONG ON TUMBLR FUCK YOU I HOPE MY FUTURE SOMEWHAT UNATTAINABLE MAXIMALIST HOME PISSES ON YOUR BABY

people who are mean to me. i havent had any yet but just in case. if you disagree with my take, thats ok bc you arent the demographic for my blog. I AM!!!! /silly srs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's my sick tags:

artisticmenace - anything that is a post by me

menaceartisticity - art and art related things

themenaceuseswords- text posts. i say shit sometimes.

themenacerants - my new tag for when i lose my shit

menaceencouragement - words of solace and encouragement from me

menacepoetry - poetry/songs yeah. probably sad stuff cause im miserable sometimes

menacescrawling - writing. oh buddy boy.

menacemusicality - im a choir kid what do you want from me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you, I love you.

going to collect these things because why not

credits, top to bottom:

butterscotch-goat

cowboyinternist (2)

[troph4eum]

yet another rant lol TW// talkin ab suicide n shit like that this is a sad one

so im not gonna get too specific w this one cuz its honestly jus a bunch of mess ion want strangers on the internet knowing but like a series of events have transpired and honestly they've left me feelin hopeless like idk rn its looking a bit more up but this honestly isnt the direction i want my life to be going. idk ab the rest of yall but it feels like my life has been a series of waiting for shit to happen w the promise that itll get better once that thing happens. but every time it gets to that point its basically the same as it was before.

and honestly i just need to come to terms with the fact that im always just going to be sad because of MDD like theres literally nothing i can do about it my mind is just wired to be hopeless type shit. and now its like all the options that i used to have have been stripped away from me all at once and its all coming to a head and like i rlly dont know what to do. i only got like 2 ppl who im rlly close to rn everyone else left due to one thing or another and in all honesty it sucks. like i love those 2 ppl w all my heart dgmw but damn man icl i do miss having a more extensive support network. and like honestly i wouldve been kms if i didnt have my dog. having another life to consider and take care of has rlly been a blessing and a curse for me. like bc of him i stayed alive to experience all the good that has happened but it also lead to me being here with damn near nothing to do. i cant leave him alone here i cant trust nobody w him hes like my kid almost. i dont want him to have to live in this world without me n ion wanna ever b without him. shit just thinking ab it makes me wanna tear up man i love that dog so much yall dont even know.

anyways idk outside of that if i die before i get to see this project to its completion ill be letting myself down. trophaeum is supposed to be my opus its supposed to be what the entirety of ilyjin is building up towards but im just struggling so much with staying alive that i cant see myself making it up there. i cant even focus on working on the project bc of all the shit thats been goin on man. i jus dont wanna let myself down ive done that more than enough in this life. ik ive talked before about how i dont fit in the mold that society has constructed for us and that holds true more than ever now. with all the things going on in the world idek if my dreams are still gonna be possible. its very disheartening. idk man ion think i wanna talk ab this anymore. its not even that its too painful or anything its just that im starting to not see the point. and tbh ion like ppl knowing just how sad of a person i am like all the time. but at the same time i cant help but be honest about who i am. i am a neurodivergent person with depression theres nothing i can do to change that and i shouldnt have to be ashamed or hide it. but sometimes it genuinely feels like im supposed to just ignore those parts of myself in order to fit into the capitalist machine.

ig my whole point in saying this is that im scared that ill never be able to show the world how much of an artist i really am and that ill never be able to have the impact i want to on the next generation.

after this post im gonna talk about overcoming toxicity like i said i would last time.

[humanlyimprobable]

I love it when im just going about my life and all of a sudden i see a random post out of nowhere on my dash absolutely SMEARING an interest of mine for no reason.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[oblivion1990]

Living with hyper mobility syndrome within Ehlers danlos spectrum.

Warning, rant coming.

WTF am I suppose to do about a hopeless situation. I have done everything I can to cope with my illness. And I´m not talking about the mental health bit because that is not the core issue. 

I have been diagnosed with eHEDS, or the hypermobility type of Ehlers- danlos syndrome. I got my diagnose september 25 2020 after struggling my whole life with things that seems so easy for other people. 

For people who ask, I describe; Imagine a full grown human having 10 beans in a jar. Those beans are energy you have to take from during your whole day. Some days you may just use 8 of those beans. And can use up the rest the day after. 

One bean represent a certain amount of energy for ex, getting out of bed and eating you breakfast. Two more of those beans and you getting ready for your day at work and getting to your actual workplace. The energy of getting in your car and drivning through busy traffic and stressed people. One more bean maybe required if you choose to walk there, or take the bike. 

Continuing. All this is now 3 beans of energy. Getting through a whole day of full time work, you may need 3-4 more beans, depending on what you are doing. (Office or more physical). When your day is done you have “consumed” 6 of those beans. 

Going home from work, again driving or walking/bike, you come home cooking dinner and enjoy social time with your family may take 2 more beans of your energy. After a “normal” day you may have 1 or two beans left to use the coming day after a good nights sleep. Where your 10 beans charge over night. 

_________

Now, instead of having 10 beans in the jar like a “normal” adult, you have only 5 beans of energy to begin with. No they are not bigger och charged with 10 beans of capacity. They are only loaded with the same amount of energy BUT they have to last as long as the normal 10 beans. 

Impossible?! 

Yeah and this is the life of a human with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome with/or hyper mobility syndrome. The constant fatigue that stopping us from feeling normal. Add some joint pain on that and you have to use more beans (energy) to get through your day.

At the same time we are expected to do the same amount of work like a 10- bean person because we don´t look sick. Well, we cant “see” cancer until the human are actually dying or going through chemo therapy. 

So why should we be treated differently? Apparently our sickness does not count. No, we´re not gonna die from it but it is still a constant battle that is impossible for healthy people to understand. 

I have dreams, I went to university for 6 years. I have a masters degree in archaeology and I will probably never be able to work full time digging or even sitting down doing desk work (fulltime) even if I wanted to. I only have 5 beans of energy to take from so maybe with pauses and no stress from the outside dealing with to much people, I may be able to work 6 h a day. But that is all I can do without having a social life, or doing normal things like, working out. 

Basically, the day I a workout I (2-3 times a week because it is necessary for my body) can´t really do anything else, if I do that I crash the next day and I´ll have to sleep and rest. I am unemployed because of the pandemic and I cant take any job. I have tried many times but I feel terrible and all I do is sleep on my days off.

Fun life?! No....and to be realistic, no company will probably ever want to hire me because I don´t have the full capacity to work a normal 8 h day. Be alert, have brilliant ideas and keep a lot of things in the air at the same time while being nice.

Right now I´m waiting on my contact at the employment agency to find a job that suits me. It will most likely not be within the archaeology field at all. It´s hard enough to do without any illness.

My big dream is actually to work as a forensic artist and/or create facial reconstructions within the history/anthropology field. I have an account on IG where I´ve done some sculpting work but it is only a hobby at this point. 

https://www.instagram.com/creativerecon90/

I really wish I could make a career of it since I have a shit ton of debs from my studies. 

I live in Sweden and there is so much the doctors don´t know about Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome. Most of them have never heard of it at all. I end up telling them all the facts. And also, every person is different. For me it´s the constant fatigue and brain fog.

Also, even if I wanted I can´t put all of this in my CV. Well I could but it would probably ruin any chance of getting work. 

I just want to live a decent life and be happy. Everyone with this illness want to be heard and we need a change in how people treat us. 

We do all we can but to no avail

Feel free to share this post because I want to raise awareness to this invisible illness and I want to follow my dreams despite what I have to deal with.

[rowaning]

The Complete Fiction of HP Lovecraft rated by me, someone who read them all* but has a terrible memory

The Beast in The Cave: uh a guy goes on a cave tour and finds a creature that was like a human that got lost and adapted to its surroundings. 0/10 just because im pretty sure there was another one with this exact premise and neither of them were memorable at all.

The Alchemist: dude achieves immortality and lives in the narrators basement and has pledged to murder his entire lineage or something. 4/10 the alchemy stuff was actually kind of interesting

The Tomb: im pretty sure this is the one where a guy starts hanging out in a tomb and like travels back in time/becomes one of his ancestors? 5/10 if its the one im thinking of i did enjoy reading it

Dagon: guy lands on a mysterious island with signs of a long dead civilization. 1/10 i do not remember what happened in it

A Reminiscence of Dr. Samuel Johnson: 0/10 i have no memory of this

Polaris: also 0/10 i forgot all about it

Beyond the Wall of Sleep: could be any of the dream focused ones. if its the one about the dude sailing into the void or whatever than 4/10 not too bad

Memory: ironically, i dont remember it. 0/10

Old Bugs: 1/10 for the title god i wish i remembered this one

The Transition of Juan Romero: i got nothing. 0/10

The White Ship: this might also be the one about the dude sailing into the void? i liked that one he lived in a lighthouse and boarded a dream ship and just fucking left it was fun. 4/10

The Street: uh i think really steep street that didnt actually exist. 3/10

The Doom that Came to Sarnath: i wanna say another one of the dream centered ones where a town discovers some old relics and blatantly disrespects them and gets exactly whats coming to it. 5/10 they deserved what they got

The Statement of Randolph Carter: ok this dude shows up several times. i think this one is about how he returns to his childhood home then travels back in time and creates a time loop paradox thing. 1/10 meh

The Terrible Old Man: uh some thieves harrass a weird old guy and get got. 5/10

The Cats of Ulthar: someone is mean to a cat in a dream city, all of the rest of the cats get revenge and are revered for the rest of time. 2/10 (-3 because lovecraft has a specific name he gives to apparently every fictional and real cat he encounters and wow i wish he hadn't)

The Tree: i feel like this is something to do with a person becoming a tree but i cant actually remember. 0/10

Celephais: yeah no i got nothing 0/10

The Picture in the House: also nothing 0/10

The Temple: nope 0/10

Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and his Family: is this the one where the dude's great grandfather married an ape? i dont think so but im not sure. 0/10, -5/10 if it is that one cause that one was especially shitty

From Beyond: nope 0/10

Nyarlathotep: charismatic dude shows up and is like get in bitches we're going to the void. i love nyarlathotep cause hes the one who directly interacts with humanity and like wears a human suit or whatever so hes just some dude whos like hey im gonna feed you to azathoth 5/0

The Quest of Iranon: got nothing 0/10

The Music of Erich Zann: narrator makes friends with an old musician whos being hunted by supernatural forces. 2/10 because i remember it but it was just ok

Ex Oblivione: 1/10 for the title but i have no clue what it was about

Sweet Ermengarde: lovecraft's sole attempt at comedy. not to my taste like at all 0/10

The Nameless city: nope 0/10

The Outsider: also nope 0/10

The Moon-Bog: sounds cool, dont remember it. 0/10

The Other Gods: dude tries to find the gods of humanity where they live on a big mountain, actually finds them, is immediately smited by the Other Gods who protect the gods of humanity. 3/10 he deserved it

Azathoth: dont recall, 0/10

Herbert West- Reanimator: Arkham man Herbert West and his assistant ressurect the dead with little thought to the consequences, then get murdered by a band of said resurrected dead. 5/10

Hypnos: nope 0/10

What the Moon Brings: also nope 0/10

The Hound: still nope 0/10

The Lurking Fear: again, nope 0/10

The Rats in the Walls: dude returns to his ancestral home, hears rats, excavates the basement and finds out that his ancestors ate human flesh, eats his friend. 1/10 it was an interesting read but can lovecraft please stop calling cats that.

The Unnameable: no clue 0/10

The Festival: nope 0/10

*Under the Pyramids: ok im pretty sure this is the one with houdini which is the only one i could not read. i went into this mentally prepared for lovecraft's bigotry but i was not mentally prepared for him dropping harry houdini, avid skeptic who absolutely would have beat the shit out of him for this, into the middle of his super racist paranormal horror. -1000/10

The Shunned House: nope 0/10

The Horror at Red Hook: also nope 0/10

He: cool title, no memory of the story. 0/10

In the Vault: wow im bad at this. 0/10

Cool Air: still no 0/10

The Call of Cthulhu: kind of all over the place, there was a thing about artists and then a thing about a cop investigating a cult. 3/10 meh but ill give it a bonus for being a staple of horror fiction.

Pickman's Model: uh artist sees some wild shit and draws it and then it eats him. 2/10 i forget the details

The Strange High House in the Mist: if this is the one im thinking of, dude does a dangerous climb to find a mysterious house and meet the inhabitant who is kind of interdimensional and also being hunted by interdimensional things. also maybe the house eats people? 2/10

The Silver Key: another Randolph Carter one, and i think this is actually the one about him travelling back in time so idk what the other one was. 3/10

The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath: randolph carter goes on a quest in the dream world to find the gods of humanity and ask why they wont let him check out this cool city he can see from his window. lots of action and very wordy and went a lot of different places. 4/10 good read but extremely xenophobic

The Case of Charles Dexter Ward: guy investigates his ancestor who looks disturbingly like him, ancestor comes back to life and kills him and takes his place and a bunch of other stuff happens. mostly a dramatized genealogical study. 3/10 not bad, very suspenseful

The Colour Out Of Space: meteor lands on a farm, scientists get weirded out by it, everything in the area gets weird then dead, alien thing gets enough power from draining nearby life-forms to escape earth. fun twist ending. 4/10 bonus for being one of the better ones, detraction for writing out a 'rural accent'

The Descendant: nope, 0/10

The Very Old Folk: nope again, 0/10

History of the Necronomicon: very dry. fake history of lovecraft's fake book thats super important to a lot of the stories. 0/10

The Dunwich Horror: isolated witchy family has a kid who no one likes that grows up real fast. graphic descriptions of renovation. a horror gets unleashed on the area and the local folklore scholars have to deal with it. 1/10 nothing good enough to counter the xenophobia

Ibid: i remember this one. no idea what it's deal was. pseudo-bibliography? it was weird. 0/10

The Whisperer in Darkness: guy has a correspondance with another guy about local folk legends based on evil crab things. other guy gets straight up replaced by an evil crab thing and first guy doesnt even notice. imagine if you followed up on a scam email and didnt realize anything was up until you saw that the face of the dude you were talking to in person was a mask. 4/10 for the comedy this guy would not last in the internet age at all

At The Mountains of Madness: guy whines about penguins and how awful it would be if there were civilizations that predated humanity. also commits grave desecration. i get hit by the realization that if lovecraft was less of a racist coward he wouldve made a great speculative sci fi author. 3/10 i would love to watch that old asshole get absolutely torn to shreds by the monster fucker community

The Shadow over Innsmouth: Fish People! Leave Them Alone! Or Else! 5/10 the protagonist gets to live the dream by escaping human society and becoming an immortal fish person

The Dreams in the Witch House: dude rents an objectively haunted room, doesnt listen to people trying to help him, gets murdered by a weird rat. later they find a shit ton of bones in the attic. 2/10 meh

Through The Gates of the Silver Key: Randolph Carter transcends time and space, then de-transcends time and space and immediately gets stuck on another planet in the distant past, makes a long and difficult journey back to earth to find that his estate is being divided amongst his heirs. the comedy potential of a man stuck in an alien body dealing with a legal system that has declared him dead is not examined. 2/10

The Thing on the Doorstep: narrator's good friend marries a fish person witch who steals his body. thats basically it. 3/10. at this point im like wow these narrators really refuse to believe the heavily foreshadowed supernatural explanations that turn out to be correct huh.

The Evil Clergyman: dude is in a room. some ghosts (?) show up. dude has a UV light for some reason. Gets his face stolen i guess and just has to live with it. 5/10 for being absolutely buck wild and refusing to explain anything

The Book: nope 0/10

The Shadow Out Of Time: dude gets his body stolen by ancient scholar species. agonizes about it for a while. finds archaeological evidence of said species. finds a book he wrote while living with said species. almost gets eaten by something. 3/10 more cool speculative sci fi but lame protagonist

The Haunter of the Dark: you'd think id remember it bc this was the last one and i read it last night. oh wait, nvm i do remember it. dude finds an old box in a run down culty church and unleashes a horror that then comes and fucks him up. 1/10 meh.

[peachpitmp3]

hey i mean you want to talk about how long it took for me to answer this? because the answer is. too long. for absolutely no reason i'm so sorry

!!!! you should that would be so iconic of you tbh. if you do decide to Embark on an Artistic Journey, please send/post update pictures i love art dude. so much.

FHSKDLFJKSLDJF YOUR LIFE OR THEIRS. amazing joke i remember this !!! from the time i read half of this and promptly got distracted,, i'm sorry. looking at this, it's not even that long?? of a thing to answer??

YEAHHH people always say that audiobooks are great if you have trouble focusing on paper books or are busy and stuff and i Do Not Understand

!!!!! yes. this. that sounds wonderful and heck yeah! ideal house will trap you there forever but dw because it's voluntary and so nice <3

SUDOFIJSDKX AMAZING. bro i wish you were in my closet (in the least weird way possible i just. want to meet you irl) but !!! that's very swag. thievery <3 /hj but nonetheless that sounds like a very cool shirt.

mhmm i get you. i think the sheer amount of People being People would be too much, although it would be super cool to see a live concert performance thing,, yeehaw anywhoodles. !!! YEAH YEAH YEAH you've gotten me hooked on august is a fever lmao. a friend told me about motion sickness a little while ago and !! yes. very much agree.

ooh hm. i'd say operate by vesperteen and trying not to cry by cavetown (but. only the version on youtube. the spotify one's more electo-funky which is cool! but not exactly my vibe and it doesn't hit Nearly As Hard yknow)

!!! the little fuzzy gray willow bulb things. idk what they're called but they're so sOFT and wonderful. miss the most? probably being in person and at school with all my old friends. and i miss being good at school, which sounds all kinds of stuck-up but i think this might be my gifted child burnout year and Yikes. i miss,, i miss not worrying so much about gender. that's a lot of things but y eah.

i'm afraid that i'll drop my phone through the gap between the elevator car and the floor landing, because it'll just what. drop to the basement?? never be seen again?? and it looks like it could fit my phone but i can't be sure and i certainly don't want to test that theory shdfjskdl. something deep uhhh. i'm afraid that i'm lost in the sense of "everyone else knows what they want and i don't", or i'm afraid that i'm so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that i just become. really goddamn stupid. idk dude i'm afraid of a lot of things usedhfjk

something mundane and something deep you're afraid of? what's something small that gets you excited? least favorite thing to receive as a gift? what color palette do you use on tumblr dot com? - 🌵

no literally and now i'VE taken forever to answer so i think. i think we're even. shfsdjfsdfkjsldfjslf

ahhh ok ok i have been doing random doodles in my notebooks and stuff so i will maybe spam u sometime!!

SDFJSLDFJSLFJ i wish u were in my closet too <333

oooh i will queue both of those songs rn and they will play while i answer the rest of this!! ill let u know what i think :D

okay update my wifi is out so i cant listen to them but I WILL LATER!!!

no no i also miss being good in school. switching from gifted kid to gifted kid burnt out stuff is literally the worst feeling im so sorry </33 also yeah gender... yeah

okay actually that is such a mood tho because i also have no idea what i want to do with anything and it feels like everyone around me is starting to figure it out and i just don't know

something mundane is probably just. bees. i am so fucking scared of bees every kind of bee even the ones ppl say are harmless. i legitimately get panic attacks sometimes and i just. can't do it. and ppl get ?? mad at me for this ??? theyre like oh but bees dont even wanna hurt u :( like okay im not trying to make them extinct im just saying i can't be around them without hyperventilating. thanks.

something deep.... definitely that my perception of myself is just 100% incorrect. i'm terrified that i've just completely misjudged myself and i'm nowhere near as self aware as i think, and that i'm nothing like how i've interpreted myself to be.

something small that gets me excited is for sure just going on my phone after a few hours of not being on it and seeing messages from friends. like. good morning messages or things sent while i was in class. things like that make me feel so <3333 like oh !! people think of me people like me that is so <3

least favorite thing to receive as a gift is for sure expensive things. i havent really received any but i just don't want to ?? like i would lose them really easily and for me theyre just objects so i wouldnt feel extra grateful?? idk. that doesn't make sense. but like for example someone gave me a super fancy pen for my birthday and like. okay thanks but it's just a pen?? i like normal cheap pens better sghsjdfsjf

dark mode dark mode dark mode !! might switch it to a halloween one tho for spooky season <3 probably not tho

what color palette are you on? whats your least favorite thing to receive as a gift? do you make wishlists for things? do you like floral patterns? what's something that made you angry today/recently? what's something that made you really happy?

[amai-mochi1]

PSA none of this is cannon in the MSA and NSR. Universe!

Also if you don't know what danganronpa is its a game about high school students trapped in a school or place and forced to partake in a killing game. There's 3 games and 3-4 animes so go check em

This series will be in either Zukes point of view or Vivis point of view as they are both protagonists

🎶Prolouge🎶

The start of it all

ow...what happened?...my head hurts and I cant see anything? Am I even awake?" I thought to myself as all I could see currently was a black void, after a few minutes I could hear someone else, at first I couldn't tell who It was but then I realized it was Lewis. "Hey! Hon get up!" I heard Lewis yell out, I heard another voice and I realized it was Arthur "is she alright?..." he asked and I heard Lewis respond to him "she's alright..vivi you need to wake up!.." Vivi...is that my name? Wait yes it is! I'm Vivi the ultimate Paranormal investigator...but where am i?.." I opened my eyes and was greeted to lewis crouched down by me while Arthur was standing nearby "see i told you she was alright!" Lewis said as he looked over to Arthur. Arthur nodded and smiled seeing that I was alright. Lewis helped me up and held my hand "come on we got to go to the main hall with the others.." the main hall? Others? What was going on? Where even were we??. "Others?...wait whats going on and where are we.?" I said as I followed Lewis with arthur following behind me "yeah there's other people here, some we know and others...I have no idea who they are..as for where we are and whats going on no clue.." Lewis said as we got to the main hall. He was right though there was some people here i knew, Chloe and Duet were here, there both coworkers at my job, I also see Arthur's uncle Lance and Mystery! As soon as I saw Mystery I ran over to him and hugged him, he seemed really happy to see me and stayed in my arms, I then noticed there was a strange...woman?..thing standing near us looking at mystery with a glare. Woman is kinda what she looked like but she was green and had what looked to be a bonsi on her head. I then noticed the others here, some looked kinda bazar and others looked fairly normal. Lewis smiled and waved to them as arthur went over to lance, "were back everyone.." Lance said as another male walked over "is this everyone?" They asked Lewis and he nodded in response, arthur looked at everyone kinda nervous "soo..should we introduce ourselves or are we just going to sit here in silence?.."

I put mystery down and stood up "thats a great idea arthur! I'll go first..hello I'm vivi the ultimate Paranormal investigator! And this is my dog mystery" Lewis smiled and went next "hello. Im Lewis pepper and im the ultimate cook..." he looked over at Arthur and Arthur nodded "h-hey.. im arthur the ultimate mechanic and this..is my uncle.." Lance nodded and stood next to Arthur crossing his arms "im Lance the ultimate uncle.." the guy who was talking to lewis before walked over and a girl followed "hello every im zuke the ultimate drummer and this is ma-" she pushed him slightly "Zuke i can introduce myself thank you!..ehem hello! I'm Mayday the ultimate guitarist!!" Someone strange walked forward abit and cleared there voice "Im DJ subtonic supernova! DJ SS for short considering that's a mouthfull..." a pink mermaid perked in after him "Im sayu the ultimate mermaid!! Its so nice to meet you all!!" A noticed a little girl tug on DJ SS pants and he groaned holding her up as she smiled "hello there everyone im Yinu the ultimate pianist.." Duet and Chloe waved and both introduced themselves "hey guys..im duet im the ultimate bookshop owner and this is chloe.." Chloe waved and spoke after duet "im the ultimate cosplayer.." a tall lady crossing her arms huffed "ill go next...im Eve the ultimate artist..." another lady walked forward and was about to introduce herself when Mayday interrupted "And this kul fyra the ultimate rocks!!-" the lady pushed Mayday away and sighed "I dont go by that name or ultimate anymore!- ehem...hello I'm tatianna quartz...the Ultimate CEO..also please don't call me kul fyra.." Mayday seemed kinda upset and walked over to zuke and stood next to him crossing her arms.

Tatiana sighed and crossed her arms "now with that taken care of does anyone have a clue as to what's going on around here?...and possibly a way out of here?" Chloe nodded and pointed to a door "theres a way out of this building but there's a huge dome covering the whole place...and there's areas out there that are blocked by fencing." Duet nodded to what Chloe said and Tatiana sighed "that's not getting us very far and is a grave predicament but thank you for the info...uhm chloe.."

After Tatiana finished talking a weird voice chirped in "That is a predicament indeed!!" I looked around and saw a weird bear dog thing standing up, it looked kinda like mystery. Mystery was growling at him and it shooed him away "go away.!.." I picked mystery up and looked at it "um...who and what..are you?" I said looking at it. It looked up at me and smiled "how rude of me not to introduce myself i am MonoMyst! Nice to meetcha! I'm the principal of this fine school!"

Zuke looked at MonoMyst confused "principal...? School im already confused.." MonoMyst smiled and jumped onto a stool "then let me illuminate for you! You lucky 15 people have been chosen for a special program! This school and the world given to outside is where you'll live for the rest of your lives!. I looked at MonoMyst confused "rest of our lives? What do you mean??" Everyone else looked at him and started talking to him and each other confused as MonoMyst Clapped "well there's food and supplys here as well as entertainment, and as most of you have probably already seen no exits!" Lance visibly got angry and pointed at him "Who do you think you are?! You can just force us to leave here!" MonoMyst slapped his hand away and Arthur had to pull him back "well ive already said im MonoMyst and you don't have to live here, you can actually leave if you finish a simple task, and that simple task is to kill someone!" Everyone went silent and stared at MonoMyst before sayu spoke up "kill someone?.." MonoMyst looked down then pulled out a microphone "can you guys not hear me very well? Yes I said you have to kill someone.. You are in MusicRoads life of killing program after all! If you want out of this place all you gotta do is off one of your fellow participants..and if someone doesn't die in the next 48 hours ill present a motive! But until then look around and get an idea of the place where you'll be spending the rest of your lives!!" He jumped back and ran off out of the room. A killing game?.. this is crazy..were stuck in a place with no exits and no way out...What are we going to do?

🎶End of Prolouge🎶

Holy cow ive never written this much but I hope you all enjoy this! Its alittle wonky and nothing like a book as this is my first time doing this so yeah!

Feel free to use the chart to put what you think who is who id love to see also if you get really into this know I have school and that It might take a while to add more parts.

[confringo-]

A Blog About My Feelings on Jesy Leaving Little Mix So That My Mind Will Hopefully Shut Up About It!!

It’s been, like, 21? 22 days? Since Jesy left Little Mix and it’s still got me fucked up. I can’t listen to any of their songs without being covered in grief and it’s honestly gotten out of hand. I’m writing this because I feel like I’ve talked about it to my friends, vented about it EVERYWHERE ELSE except here and it’s all in bite sized pieces and I still cant get over it already. 

And I know that I shouldn’t be over it yet but it’s just...it feels so petty. I understand why it had to happen logically. I’d much rather hear that Jesy left Little Mix to focus on her mental health than hear that Jesy fucking killed herself because it got too much. I watched the documentary. I know that Jesy could’ve done so. I should be happy for her. I should be happy that Little Mix hasn’t disbanded completely. But I’m not. I’m sad. I’m like super sad about it, to the point that I would have outbursts in my lonesome about how I wish Jesy hadn’t left. It’s so pathetic but also healthy, in a way, that I’m not bottling it up and live in constant denial about it. What’s bothering me about it is that I’m focusing so much on the negative aspect of it than I am the positives. Like, the FACT the mere FACT that Little Mix stayed together for NINE FUCKING YEARS and released SIX full studio albums and showed us nothing but unity and friendship and served us vocals for days should be something I should CELEBRATE not MOURN as though it didn’t mean anything. 

I believe this is all only stemming from Little Mix being the first band that I loved this much to have a member leave. 

I’ve listened to plenty of groups over my years and many of them have since disbanded or something to that extent but none of them have affected me the way Little Mix affected me. 

Spice Girls, Destiny’s Child, the Pussycat Dolls, Fifth Harmony, Jonas Brothers, S Club 7, One Direction - listened to them a lot, but when they announced that they were parting ways or when I found out that they parted ways, I didn’t SCREAM and CRY the way I did when I read Little Mix’s tweet. 

Let’s dissect this further: 

Spice Girls/Destiny’s Child/S Club 7 - I was a kid. I didn’t stan people. Out of these three, I was most saddened to hear that S Club 7 was disbanding because they were the first group I bought a CASSETTE TAPE for and would listen to them on every car ride. When I heard it happening, I had other kid things to distract me and other things that caught my attention so I guess that I wasn’t too pressed. Now, I look back fondly at the songs these groups released. Despite the drama, despite whatever happened next, I just thought, hey this was a good song by them, let’s listen to it again and bop. 

I wish I could be like this. It’s been more than a decade but I can’t really relate them to how I feel about Little Mix because while these people were part of my childhood, I didn’t attach myself to them the way I attached to Little Mix in my twenties. These groups have nostalgia pillowing the break. I consumed their content, their art, when I was still a child and had no thoughts other than “nice sounds i love.”

The Pussycat Dolls - If you know, you know. PCD...what a group. I lived for them. I think, out of all of these groups, I stanned PCD the most. They gave a teenage gay like me everything I ever asked for. The bops, the choreography, the lewks. I figured out, right away: Oh, Nicole’s...singing...all of this...? And I didn’t expect much out of them, really? Like, I didn’t live under any illusion that this was anything more than Nicole and the Girls. I was excited for Doll Domination, the second album, because each girl had a solo song on the album and Melody definitely had a few more lines in it, but when they disbanded, I was like It’s Better This Way because, you know, it sounded like being in the band sucked. When I listen to PCD now, I do feel the tiniest pang for the girls. Like, the songs still rock but I’m still thinking like “Nicole let the girls sing!” or like “Oop, let’s listen to Nicole and the Girls again!” instead of referring to them as the Pussycat Dolls. 

That’s why I’m not too pressed with their disbandment. It’s because they weren’t so much a group as they were an act, if that makes a little bit of sense. I loved them but it wasn’t like I expected much out of them, you know? I’m a little pressed about their reformation and hope, HOPE, that Nicole lets the others shine like a proper band instead of letting them all fade into the background. 

Jonas Brothers - Okay. So. I was a Disney Channel bitch as a teenager. I’m not embarrassed. I loved the Jonas Brothers. My favorite was Kevin because I didn’t have to fight anyone for him (you know, except his WIFE). I loved the dynamic, I loved their music, I loved their faces. When they disbanded, I was kinda turning into the angsty teen I was meant to be and I was going through the throes of being a teenager so I was rather too preoccupied with myself to care if the Jonas Brothers were making new music or not. I was also at this point in my life where I’m like “Oh I listen to all kinds of music. My taste spans all kinds of genre and I listen to so many artists, you would not believe” that the Jonas Brothers disbandment didn’t send me to tears. 

Fifth Harmony/One Direction - We all know where this is going. The one member who leaves because they want to go solo. This has happened to plenty of bands/groups before them, and I’m sure they aren’t the last. Here’s the thing with these two. I wasn’t IN it. Like, I listened to like full One Direction albums, and I listen to a lot of Fifth Harmony. But they were more of a background thing for me. I liked them but I didn’t LOVE them, you know? And that’s probably why, when I heard that they were parting ways, I was like, okay. That makes sense for you, I wish you well, and then keep listening to their old songs like it’s nothing. Because I didn’t stan them the full 100%. 

This is all to say that I’ve had bands/groups that I like disband and all for valid reasons. 

Then why, when Jesy leaves Little Mix -  in what could be the most graceful and honest way possible - why am I so sad about it? Why am I so angry? Why am I grieving as though I can never listen to their music ever again? Like it’s right there? Why can’t I just listen to the fucking albums?! 

As I was writing, I realized something: Little Mix is connected to my happiest moments. That’s why it’s so hard for me to reconcile this sadness. It’s because I’ve never been sad when I listen to Little Mix. I listen to them when I want to be in a good mood, and now that’s been soured by Jesy’s departure. 

And why would it be soured by Jesy’s departure? When Jesy’s reasoning for it is mental health. It wasn’t a feud. It wasn’t creative differences. It wasn’t because she wanted to fly solo. She left because she couldn’t handle it anymore and she was doing what was best for her. She is focusing on making herself happy instead of making other people happy. I love that for her. 

I guess I’m angry at the people who made her this way. I’m angry at the people who tore her apart, tore her down, to the point that she wasn’t happy anymore doing what was supposed to love the most doing. I want to kill them. I wish them all the ill in the world and I hope they all suffer miserable lives for what they’ve done to Jesy. That’s how angry I am. Truly. I want to go to each of their homes and kill them for catharsis. 

That’s extreme. And, to the government person reading this, we’re in a pandemic and I don’t have enough money or clout to pull this off. Don’t worry. No massacres are being planned in the making of this dumb blog about feelings. 

Anyway.

It was so unnecessary. So needless. 

What I hate about this is that the girls will continue without Jesy and maybe people are going to start saying that they sound better without her. I almost don’t want Little Mix to succeed because I want everyone to know that they’re much better as a four than a three, which is INCREDIBLY unfair to the other girls and trust that I will be supporting every succeeding performance and album and song that they’ll come out with. It’s just...

I don’t want the haters to be proven right in a way? It’s stupid. It’s so stupid. But that’s how my brain processed this. I also don’t want to prove Jesy’s demons right. I don’t want her to look at Little Mix and be like “Oh they’re better without me” because she made Little Mix special as much as the other girls. I don’t know how to CONVEY that to her in the following months or years. I want her to know, that no matter what, she’s special. She brought something to Little Mix. That her voice was everything. Her look was everything. They all tied it together and that’s what made Little Mix so wonderful. The unity! The cohesiveness! 

I would hate to think that Jesy would watch their next songs and performances and think that she has no place in it anymore and therefore, maybe never ever return, you know? I would hate that. 

I avoided listening or watching any performance when there were only three of them because then I’d be curious about the comments and then the comments will affect me in a weird way and I just don’t want to feel those feelings in YouTube comments. 

I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore. 

Confetti was my favorite album. Out of all of them, Confetti was their peak for me. It’s honestly the first album that I had without any skips. Glory Days had its skips, for sure, and so did LM5, but Confetti. Damn. 

I guess I’m also bitter that I won’t get to hear them sing some of the songs live. Like, we got Break Up Song and Holiday. We got Sweet Melody, kinda, but I’m still bummed that we didn’t get all 4 of them at least once on a live Sweet Melody. 

But I would’ve loved to hear more. Like. Rendezvous. A Mess. Happiness. Not a Pop Song. I would’ve loved to hear those live. Confetti. God. I would’ve loved to see Confetti performed. 

Again. These are all MY feelings. My selfish little feelings about Jesy’s departure. Jesy Nelson doesn’t owe me shit. I don’t own her. I respect her departure. 

It’s just...

It’s just so hard to wrestle these feelings into submission. Now, I see Perrie, Jade, and Leigh posting shit. I see them as a three piece. I listened to a few performances JUST TO GET USED TO IT and I’m so proud of them for continuing but I’m going to miss Jesy so much. So fucking much. 

God. The amount of times I’ve cried writing this. 

These intrusive thoughts are coming in, telling me that the girls are no longer friends, and they’re happier without Jesy, that Jesy will disappear and never be heard from ever again. God I’m going to miss the sound of her voice. Fuck. I’m going to miss their dynamic as a four. 

It’s not going to be the same. No one’s expecting it to be the same. I’m sad. I’m sad that it’s not going to be the same and I’m sad that I won’t hear Jesy’s part of the harmony in new songs again. 

I’m fucking sad and I don’t want to be anymore because Little Mix is so entrenched in my happiness that it’s really fucking up the emotional equilibrium that I struggle to maintain. 

I want to be able to listen to their songs again and celebrate that it even happened at all and not grapple with how I feel about this huge change in something I held so dear for so long. I wish that I had other experiences like this to lean back on and remember that “Hey, you got through this disbandment, you’ll get through this one too!” But I don’t. This is the first departure of a member from a band I loved and it’s really hitting me hard. All I want is for it to stop because I want Jesy to be happy. If that means not being in Little Mix, I should be able to understand and accept that. Why can’t I just accept it? 

Which stage of grief am I on? 

Somewhere between anger and depression. I don’t know how far acceptance is but I want to be there already. Out of everything that I could grieve about, this should be the least of my problems. There are other problems in the world, in my life, that require my energy. I can’t keep spending it on a girl group. The break wasn’t even that fucking bad. 

But I have to remember that I’m allowed to feel sadness. I’m allowed to feel grief. I’m allowed to feel anger. At the very least, this will pass and it will be an easier transition than most. 

I want to hug Jesy. so much. I want her to know that she’s loved and that she brought so much to the group and she’s given me so much joy and that she’s helped people and that she’s still part of Little Mix even though she’s left it. An integral part of Little Mix. And that I will fucking kill everyone who’s wronged her or said anything bad about her with my bear hands if I could. 

That’s all I have to say right now. Fuckin. To the Mixer reaching this to the end, thank you. I hope you feel better too. Here’s a virtual hug: (virtual hug). We’ll get through this. For the girls, we’ll get through this. 

[kaiynite]

Essay draft i guess

Ill be honest my dream job for the most of my life was being a doctor. I grew up-and still do- love studying. I love learning. And i live by the saying “Knowledge is power”. So i spent my childhood until i was 14 years old studying medical books by myself, and art, well art and writing was just a hobby, it was seen by the adults around me as something “cute” and something not to be taken seriously. So i didn't take it seriously either. But every time i was sad. Everytime something bad and overwhelming happened in my life, art was there for me. It was there in the forms of the colored pencils i would use to try and scribble out my feelings with. It was there in the form of the cartoons i could put on to distract me from my life. And it was there in the form of friendship, when i would see fellow artists around me and grow relationships from the similar interest. Art has always been there for me more then anything and art has always been my safe space, so when i realized at 14 that i survived this far and the medical books i used to enjoy reading were making me miserable, i turned to art.

When i was 12 a friend of mine died of cancer. The world around me stopped, and even now, at 17, the months after finding out are completely blank. I blocked it out of my memory. But at such a young age i was faced with something terrible and so much larger then me. Death was a manifesting darkness that towered over my tiny body and wrapped around me, slowly choking out my young innocence. I couldn't do anything and i was wracked with guilt. “Why was it her? Why not me? I deserved it. I should have visited more. I should have cared more. I should have PRAYED more.” i felt a debt to her family, that she was taken instead of me and that was my fault. At the time i had been taking painting classes and because i couldn't do anything else, i painted a picture. I painted a sunset and a beach and her name in the sand. MY name in the sand. I looked at it and convinced myself that god took the wrong Chaya. So was i painting her in that sand or painting me? Nevertheless i took a month swirling those colors around and creating a different world on that canvas and that calmed me. I could see the oil glistening and i could feel the paint on my fingers and see the stains in my clothes and for the first time since her death i could breathe. Art was my breathe, was my lifeline when everything around me was tumbling down. And when i finished that painting i couldn't breathe again. And i confess that i didn't want to give it to her family. I wanted it for myself. And i didnt want to see her family's faces, and i once again hated myself for being selfish and trying to take something else from them. So i walked up to their door with heavy feet, and i knocked, and i managed to mutter out that i had something for them, and i looked away as they pried this painting from my fingers and they thanked me. And i couldn't breathe. I cant remember once again what happened after that but i do know that i painted and i drew and though im not sure what happened to those drawings, i do know that the art was the only thing that kept me sane. (this is not done but you said we obviously don't need to write our full college essay)

ok so uh this is kinda a not finished rough draft of my college essay for SCAD, uh ya gimme yalls opinions 

[wormssss]

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind  of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

[thewritingstar]

98 that’s a lot of questions I wonder if you could answer them all 🤔🙃

*Deep sigh and putting my hands together* BOI IF YOU DON’T THINK I CAN ANSWER ALL THESE BITCHES!! YOU COME INTO MY ASK BOX AND TELL ME “i WONDER” HOE DON’T WONDER ANYMORE. 

don’t come for me like this anon.....here ya go. 

smh

i answered all of these and it took forever so yall better read this shit

enjoy bitch

--

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

-Mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

-both im a sugar addict

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

-bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

-prob either really quiet or really loud

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

-I hate soda

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

-I really like pastel and goth styles

7. earbuds or headphones?

-earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

-Both

9. favorite smell in the summer?

-Vanilla

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

-Flag Football (stealing the flags) and badminton

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

-dont really eat in the mornings but prob granola bar or left overs

12. name of your favorite playlist?

-Shower lol

13. lanyard or key ring?

-lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

-Sour gummi worms..that shit is CRACK

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

-Great Gatsby

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

-apple sauce or on one leg

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

-all black converse

18. ideal weather?

-warm and sunny

19. sleeping position?

-stomach, side, in a ball

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

-Laptop or phone

21. obsession from childhood?

-My little pony, littlest pet shop, Disney, elephants, Chinese food

22. role model?

-Tara Strong, Walt Disney, Francis Dominic 

23. strange habits?

-tugging my hair, biting my nails, wiggling on my heels like a penguin and going up stairs on all fours (when im home)

24. favorite crystal?

-answered

25. first song you remember hearing?

-American idiot- Green Day

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

-Eat 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

-Eat

28. five songs to describe you?

-idk Cartoon theme songs lol

29. best way to bond with you?

-make me laugh or talk about disney

30. places that you find sacred?

-Flower gardens

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

-anything with my high heel boots

32. top five favorite vines?

-Road Work Ahead, Oh my god he on X Game mode, What the Fuck Richard, This house is fucking nightmare!, Happy one year babe! Im 27. 

33. most used phrase in your phone?

-YEET, Yall and bitch

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

-Stanley Steamer, The First5California.com song 

35. average time you fall asleep?

-now its 12 am -1 am... use to be like 10pm

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

-oh god that was so long ago i dont even know but it was one of the first ones like pepe or some some

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

-suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

-raspberry ice tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

-dont like lemon in my desserts 

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

-A condom was thrown on my desk in french class (it was unopened thank god)

41. last person you texted?

-my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

-Jacket pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

-HOODIE

44. favorite scent for soap?

-Vanilla or tropical

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

-Superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

-Big shirt and no shorts (underwear obvi)

47. favorite type of cheese?

-I fucking hate cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

-Strawberry or Lemon

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

-Its always fun to do the impossible- Walt Disney

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

-For my birthday my friend got my a “Sorry for your loss” card and i cried for 30 mins

51. current stresses?

-um everything..college and being the only snacc in my household

52. favorite font?

-comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

-Still have both of them

54. what did you learn from your first job?

-That people are assholes 

55. favorite fairy tale?

-Disneys Rapunzel 

56. favorite tradition?

- My grandma got all the grandkids pjs on Christmas eve every year and we would wear them to sleep 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

-Anxiety, Depression (sorta), Dropping my churro on the ground at Disneyland

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

-Quick Wit, Art abilities?, Standing on my head and making weird ass noises

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

-Already answered

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

-A really cool and cute magical one!!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

-From Once Upon A Time, honestly they ave the best quotes. “So when I win your heart, Emma- and i will win it-it will not be because of any trickery, but because you want me”- Killian orrrrrrr He smells like forest”- Regina

62. seven characters you relate to?

-Juvia (FairyTail), Star (SVTFOE), Mabel (Gravity Falls), Maybec (Kingdom Keepers, sassy and artistic), Bubbles and Blossom (PPG) and Belle (beauty and the beast)

63. five songs that would play in your club?

-Boyfriend: BTR, Dancings not a crime: Panic!, Bang bang: Jessie, Ari and Nicki, Read you, wrote you: Drag race lol and Busted from Phineas and Ferb because I can

64. favorite website from your childhood?

-Webkinz, PetPetPark (STILL SALTY ABOUT IT) Club Penguin, Build a bear, Poptropica, i played every game yall

65. any permanent scars?

-only emotionally 

66. favorite flower(s)?

-Roses and water lilies..and every flower cause they pretty.. oh Dahlias too

67. good luck charms?

-petting my dogs. 

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

-Mango anything or Cherry. I hate cherry flavoring. 

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

-I have a great memory so i usually remember how i learned it, but.. Did you know that the water on the Jungle Cruise in Disneyland is 3 feet deep and dyed brown? Plus the water in all the parks is a special mix that doesn't contain chlorine because alot of people are allergic so its safe to touch? (learn from a disney doc)

70. left or right handed?

-right

71. least favorite pattern?

-those ugly ones on leggings.

72. worst subject?

-Math or english (haha and i like to write)

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

-Grapes and teriyaki sauce. if they on the plate. ill just dip them in. I have an addiction to teriyaki sauce. 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

-I dont take any unless I have my period and my cramps are usually at a 10 so i try and take it when they at a 5

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

-when i was young 

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

-I LOVE potatos: Fries and mash are best plus baked. I HATE chips thou

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

-Any bright flower or ivy

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

-coffee, dont like sushi

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

-AHHHH my license is soooooo bad. I had strips of red in my hair (got it when i was 15-16) and i didnt know they took your pic at your permit test. Its awful. School is def better and my senior photo pops. 

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

-Jewel

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

-Fireflys (arent they the same?)

82. pc or console?

-Console 

83. writing or drawing?

-Both but im better at writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

-Podcasts but I dont listen to alot. 

84. barbie or polly pocket?

-I played more with Littlest Pet Shop and My Little Pony lol (i have 400) prob Barbie thou

85. fairy tales or mythology?

-oooooooofffff cant decide

86. cookies or cupcakes?

-oooooff i love both but cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

-wasting my life away.....or heights...certain bugs

88. your greatest wish?

-to be happy and have all my dreams (life, job, romance,etc) happen. Plus going to every Disney Park in the world.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

-Depends on the situation but sometimes you need to take care of yourself before others. If you arent doing good, how the hell you suppose to take care of others. 

90. luckiest mistake?

-hmmm idk being born

91. boxes or bags?

-depends on what im carrying but prob bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

-I love fairy lights

93. nicknames?

-any mispronunciation of my name, Dean, Big D (yes people call me this), Star, Sassafras and some more that yall dont get to know :) You can give me a nickname if ya want

94. favorite season?

-Spring and Summer

95. favorite app on your phone?

-Tumblr, Snapchat, Tsum Tsum 

96. desktop background?

- Its items from super mario and mario kart

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

- Eight

98. favorite historical era?

-oof im a history buff but I do love Greek and Roman because I love mythology...Maybe even 1800s.

hi if you got to the end of this then I love you and for proof leave me a 🐰

[boilingheart]

every single day i have to hear so much yelling and bullshit and right now my head hurts so much having to wake up and hear the same string and patterns and words she yells every morning "stupid ass piece of shit loser f*gg*t" at the top of her lungs every single say to the point that i hear it in my DREAMS. this literal string of words on repeat all the time these exact words

i cant sleep. I cant rest. my jaw and teeth are always hurting from grinding them. I cant draw, i cant write, i cant think, i cant focus on ANYTHING and i can't get a goddamn job to get out of here bc 1) I CAN'T REST AND FOCUS ON ANYTHING 2) no one will HIRE me 3) i live in the middle of nowhere and have no credentials, no money to travel and nothing will accept me. parents just getting frustrated that i cant get hired as if im not frustrated enough

I keep trying to just bear it for the most part, just trucking through it and trying not to say shit and just play some games and try not to vent on the goddamn public internet but im falling apart on my fucking self and my entire head hurts. i am drained and i never have a chance to rest and regain my energy, ive been drained ever since we got fucking evicted and robbed, things havent gotten better since it's just getting WORSE AND WORSE. my entire front yard is filled entirely with weeds and doors have been torn down and there are holes all over the walls and i cant leave the house to go out anywhere to escape this without having to pay $20 on an uber to leave somewhere comfortable. im so tired im so goddamn tired i cant rest and i cant even play my game comfortably bc my "friends" fucking backstabbed me and i still have to deal with the wounds from that drama from a fucjing terf stalking my blog and my ex ship partner slandering my fucking name in her guild run by a fucking terf who tried to fuck over my sibling's paypal when im just trying to fucking have a HAPPY HOBBY in this BULLSHIT I HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH

my whole body hurts and i feel like my health has been declining in this bullshit. im tired and im spending my morni ng sobbing because there's nothing else i can do. im trying so hard to just start my career and be an artist and just go to school but i fucking hate this life and i feel like im just going to ROT here. not even just die here i feel like ill just deteriorate until im a husk of a person staring blankly at the wall waiting for the day to be over. Im so tired im so angry im so fucking sad and its only a matter of time until i break and go beserk and break shit the way they've been breaking shit. i shouldnt be saying so much of this online but im suffering and idk where to go, i have no place to go, i just feel like someone needs to know

[huangels]

i won't let you down - mark

request: Can I request a Mark fluff? I just really need some fluff and maybe some humor too because I’ve been having the worst week. Thank you (◕ᴗ ◕✿)

a/n: aww i hope you’re ok!! and i hope this helps you or cheers you up !?? (also i think i’ve seen this idea in a show or something but i thought it’s cute and funny?) (also pt2 sorry if this pic seems a lil rushed, i tried to write it before my class lol) (also pt3 sorry for any typos or mistakes :p)

summary: The most popular boy in school, Mark, takes interest in you and decides to confess after years of admiration. Though, the way he confesses can use a little more work. 

genre: fluff, humor

warnings: none

word count: 2.2k

You fidget around with the metal lock of your school locker while explaining to your best friend about a math assignment for your next class.

"So, you basically just cancel out the x and then add-. Hey! Are you even listening to me?" you say putting your books away into the now opened locker, but see that your best friend is staring at the direction of the entrance of your school. You then notice that everyone else in the hallway is also looking in the same direction. They all seem to be gawking at someone, girls whispering and giggling to each other. Curious, you look as well and see a boy walking down the hall overflowing with confidence, a smirk plastered on his golden face.

"Oh my god, he's gorgeous," you hear a group of girls say, waving at the boy as he strolls past them. He doesn't wave back but shoots them a quick wink before continuing down the hall.  

"Y/N! Look at him! Mark is such a god, I swear he gets more and more attractive each day," your best friend blabbers on, shaking your shoulders rapidly. With a "tsk," you brush off her hands but don't respond, taking out your math book before slamming the locker door closed.

Math is near the entrance of the school, which means that you have to walk pass Mark. Without waiting for your friend, you walk towards him, yet avoiding his gaze. Everyone else in the hallway is frozen, you two being the only things in motion. Right as you walk past Mark, you meet his daring brown eyes for a split second. He expects you to stop as he turns toward your direction, but you quickly break the eye contact and continue walking to class.

As can be clearly seen, Mark is the most popular and attractive student in your high school. Although he is really good looking and all, you can't see why everyone fangirls over him as if he is some idol. You don't care much for time-wasting high school relationships or drama anyway. You'd much rather focus on graduating high school, applying for multiple scholarships to your dream university, attending said dream university, so you can just live a wealthy and plentiful life with ease. Though, with this mindset, your friends call you the 'nerd'. You roll your eyes and shake your head free from the thought.

Having math first thing in the morning is always a pain in the butt. You slouch in your seat, hand under your chin, as you stare off into space. The teacher babbles on about derivatives and integrals, but you tune it out, toying with your pencil. Your mind wanders with its freedom from not paying attention to the lecture. For some odd reason, it wanders to Mark, who isn't even in your current class.

Mark and you have been attending the same schools ever since the first grade, along with many other people of course, since you all live in a small town. You do have to admit Mark has grown up beautifully throughout his years you've known him, with curly hazelnut hair, thick eyebrows, large eyes, and chiseled features. It would not come to a shock if Mark actually does become an idol somehow. He does already have what seems like fans surrounding him anyway.

Over the 12 years of school with Mark, you both have crossed paths more than you would like to admit. Mark is always outgoing in a way where he wants to befriend everyone, at least that was what it was like when he was young. During your first few years of school, you and Mark were close friends, but not to the point of hanging out outside of school though. It was after Mark started gaining more friends and becoming popular that you slowly distanced yourself, not wanting to share the spotlight, or even be in it at all. For years, Mark still talks to you, but now in a teasing and sometimes insulting way. It seems as if he became more arrogant with the on growing fans that he has. It annoys you every time he would stop you in the hallways or in class just to point out that your hair is a mess or your school uniform isn't tucked in all the way. It makes you feel uncomfortable and slightly irritated so you try not to cross paths with him in school.

Soon, lunchtime rolls around as you get pulled back into reality, away from your thoughts. You make your way to the end of the lunch line in the large cafeteria, looking over the heads of students to see how long the line is. There are many people already waiting and you question yourself how they got here so quickly. Then, people start lining up behind you as well. The line moves slowly, but eventually, you reach where the food is being distributed.

You grab a plastic tray and start packing the school food onto your platter. Your school, surprisingly, has many varieties of foods to choose from and they don't taste that bad either. Your glad because your stomach grumbles in anticipation of food.

You reach for an apple but see another hand reach for the same apple. Your palm lands on the red fruit first. Both of the hands touch as you look up to see who it is. Mark stares back down at you, his mouth is slightly opened and a dazed expression spread upon his face. You quietly cough, causing him shake his head before retreating his hand from its position on top of yours.

You pick up the apple and place it on his tray as you glance up at Mark, flashing a small smile.

"T-thanks," Mark stutters before you continue forward in the line. I thought he was the almighty most popular guy in school? You silently chuckle, facing the front of the line.

Shortly, you reach the register at the front of the line. You're about to pull out your wallet from your backpack until a hand, that's holding a credit card, reaches past you. The lunch woman hesitantly takes it and swipes before you can say anything, then hands it back to the owner. You whip your head around to find Mark taking back his card and putting it away in his wallet.

A small "Uhh" is all that comes out of your mouth.

"Don't worry about it," Mark coolly remarks before winking. He quickly pays for himself and leaves the line, heading towards the lunch tables. You regain all your senses before bowing your head to the lunch lady and making your way to your own seat, heart rate racing unknowingly.

"Hey Y/N, what's up?" your friend asks as you sit down with a blank expression. You sigh and stretch your arms over your head once you set your tray onto the crowded table filled with different lunch foods.

"Nothing much, boys are just...weird," you answer, plopping a spoonful of macaroni and cheese in your mouth. Your friends 'oooo's' and smirks at you.

"Someone has a crush," one of them sings teasingly, with a wiggle of an eyebrow. You roll your eyes but unconsciously bite your lips.

"No, you douche baguette," you say stuffing more macaroni in your mouth, not wanting to have to further think about it. "I said they're weird, not 'I want to make out with every single one of them'."

Your friends laugh as a couple of them elbow each other with the 'yeah right' face. You kick them under the table and continue with your lunch, ignoring their stupid comments.

As your friends instantly move on from the topic, now chattering about some music artist, you're left quietly eating your lunch, with different thoughts ramming around in your head that you don't quite understand, or want. For some reason, you're curious as to where Mark sits during lunch since you've never paid much attention to him. You look up and scan the school courtyard. All the students are huddled in their own cliques and friends groups. You spot who you assume are Mark's friends, but he isn't with them. He's probably off somewhere flirting with other girls or buying their lunches too, you scoff.

After everyone finishes lunch, the class bell rings. You stop by your locker to grab your textbooks but pause when you see some roses sticking out of the little slit openings on your locker. You look around the hallway with scrunched eyebrows, but everyone else is either walking to class or minding their own business. This is my locker right? I mean I did forget once and tried to open someone else's locker.

You slowly approach your locker, as if someone will pop out and yell, "It's a prank bro!"

Warily, you collect the few roses and examine them. Nothing that seems like it can kill me, that's good...

You let out a short breath before opening your locker. A folded up note lays on top of your textbooks. Your head tilts to the side as you place the roses down to grab the note. It's a simple note, written on a ripped off piece of loose leave paper from some notebook. You unfold it and start reading.

To the beuatiful, Y/N:

Im writing this note to explain to you how I feel (at least Ill try) I am starting to fall for you and it is driving me crazy becuz I cant seem to tell u how I really feel, It might seem weird but you've just caught my eye ever since the begining. Im starting to develope stronge feelings towards you, and I dont know why

I love you're eyes, you're smile, you're hair, and your laugh! When I here your voice my heart skips a beet.

I need to kno how u feel about me? Could you posibbly feel the same towards me? or can this never be? I just want u too be mine. I want to be able too say that ur mine girl. Well now you know that I am secretly falling in love with you. I just wish I could hear those same words from u. Maybe one day I will but until than I guess all I can do is wait. Please, dont make me wait to long!

Love,

Mark :D

You scrunch your eyebrows at all of the errors. This kid...

The late bell rings as you fold back the note before you have any time to criticize it and head to class.

The last class of the day is reading and you guys don't do much in the class. The teacher gives the class 'free time' to do other homework or start reading the book we're assigned to. You try to focus on reading the book, but all that crosses your mind is the confession letter Mark gave you. He seems so cool, how can he look like such dumbass and make so many errors? What does he learn in school? Nothing apparently...

You take out a red pen and start writing on Mark's note.

The final school bell sounds as you pack up your bag and set out to find Mark, folded note in hand. It doesn't take you long to find him since he's waiting for you right outside your classroom door. You almost run into him. Mark flashes a smile before pulling you aside by your wrist, away from the door as students are exiting to go home. He has the biggest look of anticipation on his face, eyes wide and lips spread from side to side. Without saying a word, you hand him back the folded note. He raises an eyebrow but takes it and starts reading. A long sigh escapes his mouth.

"I gave you the most heartfelt and sincere love letter, but you returned it to me with spelling and punctuation corrections?!" he exclaims, looking down at me with an unimpressed expression.

"How heartfelt and sincere is it really if you didn't even proofread," you mock with your arms crossed over the blazer of your school uniform, a smile teasing your lips.

"Well, I wrote it quickly because I had to run to the convenience store down the street to buy roses and I had to put them all in your locker before lunch ended," he explains, face falling for a split second. He averts his attention to the floor, leg bouncing hastily.

A small grin grows on your face as you say, "What do you do in your classes, dummy? You should be paying attention or something. I couldn't take it seriously with all the errors."

Mark bites down on the sides of his cheeks as they hollow out.

"However, I will let you redeem yourself...with a date," you say with a big smile. Mark quickly looks up at you, his face gleams and he smiles brightly.

"I won't let you down!" Mark replies as he jokingly salutes to you.

x

["Y/N? What are you doing here so early?" Mark asks, opening the front door to his home, still in his baby blue lion pajamas. He rubs his sleepy eyes as the harsh sunrays beam from the opened door. You step in and close it before Mark can further complain about the brightness.

"I'm here to tutor you because you seriously need it."]