#ill ask her for new daily anxiety meds. i fucking. need them.

[vaeolus]

[gets anxious about covid] [has physical symptoms of anxiety] [gets anxious about covid but louder]

[goddess-ofthe-underworld]

This post has nothing to do with what I normally post, however is why I haven't been posting. You dont have to read it. This is just my place to vent and the closest I can get to screaming into oblivion I suppose..

My husband and I moved all the way from mid Wisconsin to the bottom of Texas and are staying with my in laws, husbands mother and step father. Since we have been here, my FIL has shown that he is very much the 'if you odnt do things my way, its wrong', 'well I have ms and can do this so you can to or you aren't trying', 'holier than thou' type.

Now for background incase anyone is actually reading this, I have been diagnosed with depression, major anxiety, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, and am going to be tested to see if I am on the autism spectrum. I have suffered horribly over the years with all of these disorders, been in therapy for 8 years, and on the correct/best so far med combination for about 8months which now has been messed wit again because I cant afford my adhd prescription. So my daily life is fucking hard. I have worked very hard to deal with my anger, to be able to pull logic up faster than I have in the past, to be able to push my emotions to the side and to think about things logically and not just with my emotions or in black and white. I have spent years working on taming the rage in me.

My father in law destroyed all of that progress in 30 minutes.

Our car became unsafe so we had to get a new one. My MIL helped us with that and we thanked her very much for that! She set us up with the dealership, she got us a deal on it and we have thanked her multiple times for that. Now, just after simply talking to the man, not even signing papers, my father in law stayed behind and made the man doubt that we could afford it to the point where the man had asked us no less than ten times if we really could afford it or not because of my FIL. When he got back from making the salesman doubt us, he began to raise his voice at us saying how we needed to be straight forward with him about our finances, how we need to do this and that and I started to shut down. I knew what was coming. He turned to me and started going on about how i could work for my new aunt, when i had told him no five times already,my MIL told him she will not let me do that because my new aunt is a mess and she doesn't want me in that position. Now mind you before we moved here, we made it known to them that I havent worked or drove in four years due to all of my mental illness and a bad car accident I got into. They knew that the only way we'd come is if they were ok with that and could be understanding and not judging of it. So I said to him no I will not work for her. I've told you no already no means no. She he smiles and glares at me and said oh yeah? Why not? Yet again I start explaining my mental health, and he cuts me off and ✨yells✨ at me that if it's so bad I need to get on disability for it or get a fucking job already. I was shaking with anger, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw things at him, I wanted to choke him. I was in a rage. I was able to control myself enough to where all I did was yell at him that I had an appointment in a few days to talk to my doctor about just that, but that it's none of his business and I walked away. My MIL yelled at him, it was a mess.

Since then, our car salesman had told us to take them to dinner and hed count it as a downpayment payment so we did. I had one drink and my FIL told me I shouldn't drink with all of the medications I take. I take two at the moment because I cant afford the rest and I took them 7+ hours previous to this one drink I was having that i have done multiple times and i know it is safe for me to do so.

Again I stayed quiet, I pulled myself together and said, well that us why if I'm going to drink I make sure that I take my medication plenty early so that it wont interact. He rolled his eyes and said well as long as you dont get sloppy and start issues. Didnt know you drank.

Now I have had one single drink at dinner in front of him and my MIL multiple times now, so why he said that I have no idea.

The way this man has been acting has been explained to me that he words things wrong, he tries to joke and it comes out wrong. Excuses are constantly made for his behavior towards me. Now I happened to know that he was upset at an aunt of mine for getting wasted and talking poorly about him and he was taking his anger out on me. And again, that was the excuse made, oh it wasnt directed at you.

The other night, my husband and I sat down and had long conversation and decided we would go back to Wisconsin. We sat down with his mother and mid conversation my FIL came out and said he hoped it was going good and when we wanted hed say his piece, and my MIL said well no it's going good apparently. And he looked at me and said well we aren't forcing you to stay here.

That's when I first felt things coming undone inside of me. This had been brewing for about a month now. I was twisting and pulling on my fingers to try to keep myself grounded as I raised my voice and said, no I know, that's why we are leaving because of you. He smiled an evil smile and frowned at the time and told me not to blame him for my short comings in life, and began to go off. He said the person who does the least should say the least.

My husband put his arm in front of me and I felt more things inside me come undone and I snapped. I told him to shut up before I beat his ass. My MIL told me not to and told him to go away and let us talk. He continued to look at me with that twisted look on his face and continued to talk shit. I honest to Gods can't tell you what he said after that because I saw red. The room was spinning and I lunged for him and my husband had to hold me back. I screamed at him that he was a piece of shit and to shut up, that I was going to kick his ass. Everything I knew on how to control myself and my rage went out the window in less than 30 minutes. My MIL was yelling at him to leave as he backed away from me while my husband held me back. I continued screaming until he left the room and then i sobbed angry tears. I could not believe that my wonderful mother in law was married to a man like that.

I apologized to her and I told her that I meant what I said to him, but I am sorry to her for how I acted. She said she understood and wasnt mad at me. My husband and I left the house until my FIL left and now I am heading back to wisconsin by myself because my husband has things here in texas to take care of before he can come with me.

Aside from that, my father in law has said that we dont pay bills here when we pay 500 a month for rent, 80 to help with food which we had spent over this month already, and we help buy toiletries. But he says we dont pay bills, we dont help with food.

He has also lied to my mother in law and said he didnt know I have an issue with multiple noises because I will hyper focus to the point of getting a headache when I have told him once myself, my husband has told him once verbally, and most recently about a week ago maybe through text. But my father in law told my mother in law that he had no idea and my mother in law even read the texts my husband sent and believes my father in law is telling the truth.

We have no money to do this, we have a car payment coming up, I have no idea how we are going to make it, I feel like my marriage is going to suffer, I'm worried about what will be said while I am gone. My MIL thinks things can be fixed, and I dont know maybe in time but right now I dont see it, and I know my limits with my mental illness and I know what will happen if I stay.

I dont know how to find peace anymore. I dont know how to find happiness. My husband believes that that isnt how he meant for things to be, but I've had a new aunt of mine tell me she has had feelings very similar to this with my FIL and that that is why she stays away.

I dont know what to do.

If you've made it this far, please send blessings of positivity my way, please pray, whatever your thing is.

I am tired.

[blissfulparker]

I felt it, it was perfect→T.H

Parings→ Tom Holland x reader

Summary→ you and tom have a stump in your relationship which causes you both to seek therapists and find a way to fix yourselves again

Warnings→ angst, mentions of drug use, cursing, mentions of sex, mentions of anxiety

A/n→ I’ve had this in my drafts for about two weeks and now I’m finally posting it so here you go and enjoy!! Also yes, the title is from black swan

“Why don’t we start from the very beginning of that’s okay with you, Yes?” The woman asked setting down her phone with the recording app opened, you had twiddled with your shirt, the shirt that tom always—once loved.

“Well,” you take a deep breath looking around the room trying to find the perfect place to start, because that’s what you guys were perfect. “We met at a bar...”

It was true, you met at a bar, a karaoke one to be exact. You were drunk out of your mind singing Beyoncé on stage with your best friends when the boy with the stray curls and beer in his hand caught your eye. He was really the only one paying attention, everyone else was drinking and having their own fun. You still don’t exactly know why he was at a karaoke bar especially when he would hardly ever sing for you. All you could truly remember from that night was getting so drunk and then going home with the boy which would start your whole new life.

“We move in together around a year maybe a year and a half later...” you trailed trying to remember everything, she nodded.

“Right, and is that where things got tough? The year mark?” She asked looking up at you.

“No, god no, we were just starting. We were everyone’s favorite, I mean we were being to become perfect.”

You two were perfect, in the eye of the press, in the eye of your friends, you two were pulled straight out of a fairytail. It was too good to be true, everything comes to a end was all you had to remind yourself, even Perfect things come to an end.

~

“So tom, you said you’ve been feeling worst? Why’s that?” The man asked lighting his cigarette and huffing out smoke, Tom smoked when he got stressed, so of course he pulls out a cig and lit one up. The taste of cigarettes were still bitter, he hated them but they gave him a warmth that he was missing when he was sad.

“We’re lost, I don’t even think were a couple anymore...” he looked down.

There were too many fights, too many. Hell, tom got mad last week that you forgot to take the trash out to the dumpster and you got pissed because he forgot to get strawberries at the store. Children, you guys acted like children. He swore that Sam and Harry acted like this when they were four. He was so shocked yet so angry and he couldn’t tell why. He didn’t know what was happening.

“We haven’t touched each other in weeks, I mean I haven’t even felt what her lips feel like about a month.” He admits, he didn’t want to tell Harrison, he thought Harrison wouldn’t even believe him because he knew how much tom love you, so he was telling the man in front of him right now.

“Well, sometimes this happens, couples get angry and don’t know how to act around each other and it takes time and understanding.” The therapist says, he was right but tom hated that he was right.

“But we’re not married, we’ve only been dating for over a year and I know her and she knows me. I know that happens to married couples who have been together for like 30 years or some shit and get tired of each other.” He admits as he takes in his cigarette and then blows out. The last time he smoked so much was when he was starting to become a true actor, he had big roles and didn’t know how to handle hate and press.

~

“He use to do this thing for me,” You look down and smile at the memories. “Every Sunday he’d get up really early to leave the house and go get coffee from my favorite place, he’d then come back in bed and I’d wake up with hot fresh coffee next to me.” You say and she nods.

“Were you still able to talk good with each other at that point?” She shifted her body and you only rolled your eyes. Not on purpose it was just a point needed to be made.

“Yeah whatever that means. We fight over stupid shit now, last week he yelled at me about trash! I mean to be fair I yelled at him for strawberries. I don’t even know where the anger came from, I can’t blame it on hormones, I don’t know if it’s my stress or his stress on me—“before your could finish she put up her hand.

“What do you mean by his stress?” She asked. She might’ve actually been able to help and all your sessions might add up.

“He’s an actor, he’s gone all the time. When he’s home he wants to be with friends and family which I completely understand but sometimes I feel as if I’m in the corner or if I’m an accessory. When he slides under the sheets at night he doesn’t kiss me nor does he try and touch me like he use to. It feels forced, he’s forcing himself to like me.” You tell her truthfully. You couldn’t help the word vomit at this point.

“I think you’re both sacred.” She sets her clipboard down. “Well, let’s start off with your age. You are both 22 I’m assuming? You’re young and excited to be adults and have all the fun you can before you have to face a bunch of responsibilities. I think you two do love each other, I think that the two of you both worry that one is going to leave.” She explains, everything was starting making sense.

She could’ve been right, or so wrong. When tom came home for the first time back from press he touched you like a starved man, you two fucked in every single place in the flat you could find. Then the two of you fell asleep in your bed and woke up the next morning and did it again. When tom came back for the 5th time it was different, only a hug at the airport and then tom passing out when you got home. That wasn’t perfect, this was no longer perfect.

“(Y/n)? Are you listening?” She asked and you snapped out of your thoughts.

“Yes, Yes, Of course. But he acts like he is going to leave or I’m going to leave when all I do is sit and wait until he comes home. I don’t cheat I don’t go out and flirt with other men.” You start to feel yourself heat up. You start to feel the anger you often Times now feel with tom.

~

“You sound like you’re scared.” The man writes down.

“Oh yeah? Of what?” His voice was bitter, if this is how he talke to you he hoped you’d leave him. the man sets down his clipboard and looks tom in the eyes.

“You’re scared of her leaving you—“ tom rolled his eyes and put out his cigarette.

“Bullshit.” He said leaning back in the leather chair.

“Mr. holland hear me out. You leave a lot on press, you’re a young actor with plenty attention on you. She knows that all too well because when you’re out in America selling your movie she’s sitting at home watching you do that and she’s watching people fall in love with you and it is very easy for people to see that when one is getting more attention they feel that they don’t need their attention anymore.” He sighs and tom comes to realization. “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” He feels his heart in his chest pumping so fast he worries that his therapist can hear it. “You know last week I watch her take Xanax, I know she has anxiety and she needs it sometimes but she promised me she only takes it when things gets serious. She told me that when we moved in then shoved it in the back of our medicine cabinet. Last week I found it in her bedside table, new prescription too. That hurt the most, she didn’t even tell me.” He hurts himself with his own words and wonders why you can’t talk to him, he’s pushing more.

“Have you taken anything for anxiety and depression Mr. Holland?” He asks holding out his clipboard again.

“Yes,” He says blandly. “When I was a kid my mum put me on medicine for when I was acting so I wouldn’t have a panic attack in the middle of a scene. I went off of it when I was 16 and then got a new prescription when I was 20. I haven’t touched it since then, it’s most likely expired.” He says looking at the cars out the window.

“Well,” he writes down really quickly before looking at tom. “I think you should start taking medicine again. It’s only for the best, if you want to run it though with her then—“ tom needed to speak, needed to tell someone about the small box hidden in the house.

“I was going to ask her to marry me.” He gulps and takes a swing of his water. “I bought a ring before press and it was perfect, it was simple silver and heart shaped. She’s a sucker for those things, classy, straight out of s movie type stuff. Took me a long ass time to find just the perfect one and then I did, it was gorgeous. Then I came back for the 5th time and I was going to do it, I was going to ask her but then she got weird which made me mad and then her mad and I think—“ tom choked on his own tears.

“Are you okay?” The man slid over tissues in case he needed any.

“No, I love her so much and it’s my fault.” Tom says as he continues to look at all the cars passing by and all the people walking.

“I don’t think this is you’re fault at all.” He says. “Our time is up, sadly. But I’m open tomorrow if you want to come back, I’m free at 12:50 if that’s good with you. If not then I’ll see you Thursday. I want you to try and have a proper conversation without getting mad at each other.” He notes and tom gets up from his seat.

“Thank you.” He nods before exiting the room.

~

“You’re not on any drugs, correct?” She asks writing.

“What? As in prescription or just like weed?” You ask her and she laughs a little.

“I meant prescription. Like any anti—depressants or anxiety medication, or even if you have an illness that requires daily meds. Even if it’s just as simple as allergy medicine.” She gesture and you shake your head but then remember the Xanax you took last week to help yourself de-stress.

“Well, no, and yes, I took Xanax last week but that was just to help myself calm down. After our trash fight we got a little more intense and we just were yelling and screaming and I had an attack so I took some then fell asleep.” You told her and she nodded.

“Right, was that perscribed to you?” She asked and you nodded.

“Oh yes, I didn’t just buy it off of a stranger. I use to take it more but after I met tom I didn’t need to at all and I was somewhat perfect.” You told her.

“Right, Perfect. You use that word a lot Mrs. (y/l/n), no human is perfect, no animal, no art work, no place, no man Is perfect. I need you to let that go if we can move on.” She says sternly. She was right, of course she was right.

“Right, no one is perfect.” You gulp and move your hair. You felt perfection though, perfection was in tom. Tom could make you feel perfect.

“That’s a beautiful ring, did he give it to you?” She asks and you look down at the ring you still wore. ‘Never take this off because I promise I’ll always be there no matter where I am’.

“Yes, he did. It’s a promise ring.” You fiddled with it. She got up and walked over to her bookshelf and handed you a book.

“I want you to read this,” She hands you a book a child’s book to be exact. Well, if you chose to read it too your child. “I’m sure you’re familiar with the dance swan lake, this is the book version. It shows what two do for love and I think it’ll help you understand more.” She smiles and you stand up.

“Thank you, so much.” You smile at her.

“You’re welcome, our time is up though and i want you to talk with him.” She smiles at you as you grab your bag and reach for the door.

“Thank you once again.” You say as you leave and she smiles and waves you out.

~

“Tom?” You call out setting your keys on the table. “Tom I—“ You got cut off by the smell of coffee brewing. Coffee from your favorite place in London.

“What are you doing?” You asked him as he brewed the coffee and flipped pancakes.

“I got home early and decided to make you pancakes.” It was 4:30 in the afternoon. He never did this anymore so why now?

“Right?” You day and lean against the counter. “How was your day?” You ask trying to start a conversation. No arguing tonight.

“Good actually, yours?” He said. This was a start, this was all a start.

“Good, I got to write and oh! I saw this man with this Spider-Man shirt that reminded me of you because it was totally made for a seven year old.” You laugh and he does too. He was laughing with you. The sound that you missed so much.

“That’s so funny because I saw a man in a Spider-Man shirt too that was far too small for a man.” He joke with you.

“Can we talk about things?” You asked and he nodded and turned off the stove.

“I know about the Xanax, I’m sorry I made you so stressed I made you take drugs.” He has tears in the corner of his eyes.

“I could say the same about you, didn’t know you smoked.” You told him and he nods, you could smell it.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m such a shitty boyfriend and you’re the perfect girlfriend. I leave and you wait and I don’t know why you wait.” He leans against the stove and sets the spatula down.

“Because I love you.” You told yourself more then you told him. “I mean I love you a lot and I don’t want to let go of the people I love a lot.” You tell him and he Steps in front of you.

“I love you too. And I’m sorry we’re so distant, that drives me insane to most.” He tells you and you let your fingers rest on his shoulder.

“Do you wanna know what drives me crazy?” You asked him and he nodded. “I talk to you like your my co-worker. I can’t carry a proper conversation with you and it’s not your fault anymore then it is mine but that’s what drives me insane, because you’re not my co-worker and I want to tell you everything but I can’t for some reason.” You tell him and he wraps his arms around your waist.

“Yeah,” he nods. “I get that.” He gulps before you rest your head on his shoulder. You couldn’t even get a tear out because you were so done with crying that your body wouldn’t allow you to cry anymore.

“Hey,” you push back his curls getting a full good glimpse at his face. “I miss you.” You whisper for only him to hear. “Like I miss you miss you.” You smile and he smiles big back.

“I miss you miss you too.” He says before he leans into kiss you.

And you felt it, it was perfect again. His lips were still the same and you knew they weren’t touched in anyway possible, infact they stayed the same just for you. His touch was still gentle as if his fingers waited for your skin again. And his eyes, oh his eyes stared at you as if it was the first time all over again.

“I have so many things to say to you.” He lifted you up from the ground for you to wrap your legs around him. “So much I have to tell you about, America is a crazy place.” He laughs a little and you do too.

“I do too, we have a new front desk woman at work, she’s so lost and scared I feel so bad but at the end of the day I know she’s doing it for the health insurance.” You giggle. He was ready to tell you everything again, he needed to tell you everything again.

“I want to hear your stories so bad but right now, I want to be in between your legs and make love to you until you can’t walk.” He smirks and you do too before you allow him to dive into your neck and kiss while he walks you to the bedroom.

Everything doesn’t come to an end, sometimes it does but most of the times it’s just a pause. You and tom had a pause, there’d never be a true end to you and tom because that was simply impossible.

Taglist; taglist: @lynnbeaan @actorsdamn @your-daily-dose-of-fangirl @sunshine-peter @ironspiderguy @mdgrdians @dreamymeliorism @roaringgoodshow @built4broadway @strugglinggryffindorkid @1mychalia1 @grace-sully @didanyonesaybuckybarnes @embrace-themagic @bloodysleepy @thebonanamuffin @thellamalordd @flowerchild8341 @cade-james @random-stupid-stuffs @joyfulspider @sad-broken-crayon @mylinkmyrules @carry-on-ms-believer @queenmissfit t @skeletalwolfcat t @gingerpeachyy @condy-wants-a-cookie @dennythepooh @zon-chan @fandom-fangirl07 @gabriels-gumdrop @whatam3ss @jamaicaa-blakee @thetributethatvolunteered @o-brienwrites @smexylemony y @spn-worm @fucking-reddie e @stranger-marvel @darlingtholland @sylvirstars @supernatural-strangethings-1980 @pvnk-bivch @spideyyypeter @lubrielx @authorpocketcow @swoozi224 @abunchofmaraudersfluff ff @redridingthroughthehood @sammyskyler2000 @usuallyweepingnacho @tom-hollands-eyelash @capandbuck @delicately-written @emmyfignewton @spidcr-man @laramitk @captianbuckyy @kira-marieee @hazthosterfield @emilyle23 @tomshufflepuff @freakofnature444 @keepingupwiththehollands @ballarinaphan @1-800-chosen-jacobs @screamsss-in-fangirl

[winterfairyy]

So had a follow up with my psychiatrist the week after I brought up my very valid and well backed concerns about being on the autism spectrum, and he brushed me off completely. “Even if you are, from what I’ve seen you would be VERY high fuctioning anyway.”

Like wtf. Does he not realize the amount of physical and mental exhaustion I go through daily to suppress every symptom and act like I’m “normal” ??

The hours upon hours I spent in my room at night watching “social etiquette” videos and videos on basic human behaviour and conversations and meticulously studying human body language and social cues because I don’t fucking understand it?

Every social interaction is an act. I don’t know what’s going, it’s all a front, it’s literally acting. If you asked me a question about a social interaction or asked me to role play something, I couldn’t. Because my ability to communicate is based on watching people’s body language and giving them whatever they want in the conversation and playing to whatever they want me to say and what they want to hear. Because that’s the only way I can keep a conversation going. I have to keep it one sided so I’m not expected to genuinely contribute sincere conversation.

Because when I talk about something I’m interested in I’m “going on and on about the same things” and “I sound like a broken record” and “I’m not making any sense and jumping all over the place.”

Like I can’t express emotions because I’m always worried “that’s the wrong way to express this emotion”. I’ve literally googled “how to express X emotion” more times than I can count.

Like I hate my mom but I still rely on her for everything because “what if that’s not normal?” Or “I’m most likely missing something here and I’ll fuck everything up so I need an outside opinion to just tell me what to do”

I can be throwing up, fainting, and having trouble breathing but if even one person says “well I don’t think you need to go to the hospital” or “I wouldn’t go to the hospital for that” and I won’t go. No matter what I think. Because what if I’m missing something and that’s socially unacceptable?

And then stimming. I used to stim all the time. It was the main reason my elementary school teachers started trying to get my mom to look into an autism diagnosis. And then my mom used to shame me for it and say “that’s not what normal people do” so obviously I suppress it now. Which is hella exhausting and stressful.

And overstimulation. Loud noises, flashing lights, more than a few people talking at once, etc etc. Will set me off and I can barely function. It happened at work when I was luckily working stocking and not a till and I had to take my break early and lie and said I had a panic attack because something was beeping loudly in the bakery and I couldn’t handle it. Even though it does that multiple times a day. We went to a show and they had strobe lights and I had a meltdown and had to leave early and my mom called me an embarrassment. Even though no one saw and I left alone and just bussed home so they wouldn’t have to leave.

And talking to my psychiatrist he’s trying to explain every behaviour and issue I told him with a separate diagnosis. Like you can diagnose every single separate symptom as a different mental illness all ya want buddy, but I don’t think my karma is bad enough to be getting the “13 for the price of 1” mental illness blowout sale.

Like all symptoms relate to basic autism symptoms. All my experiences relate to nearly every experience I’ve found from talking to actual people who are diagnosed with autism and forums online. I’ve had multiple teachers suggest it numerous times.

I can’t relate to none of these countless mental illnesses he’s trying to explain each separate symptom with aside from anxiety and anorexia.

I don’t have social anxiety. I don’t have any issues with social interaction. My manager praises me almost daily on my communication and customer service. I can talk down any “Karen” you throw at me. Why? Because I’ve literally trained myself to do it and it’s all an act and I’ve spent YEARS meticulously studying how to react to any social situation you can throw at me. And if a new situation comes along or I don’t know how to react to something, I shut down. I cant function. I can’t hold a conversation. I can’t keep up the act because I haven’t studied that particular situation and if I try and “wing it” aka do what normal humans do, I’ll likely say something wrong or insensitive that I think is right and fine and fuck it up. I don’t fear social interaction. I fear having a situation thrown at me that I haven’t “trained” myself to handle.

I have massive trouble with empathy and relating to other people or “putting myself in their shoes”. Like you could come tell me your parent died and I wouldn’t be able to react and just shut down because I know that that would mean they’re upset. But I can’t comprehend how they feel. Because personally I don’t feel upset so it’s hard for me to feel empathy because Its not making me upset and socially I know they’re upset because when your parent dies obviously you’d be upset, but I just can’t relate and be empathetic because I’m not personally feeling it. And I feel like this is a bad explanation that’s making me out to be really insensitive but idk how else to describe it 😂.

When I was younger it used to be so much worse. Like when I was 14 my grandma died. And I was very close with her. But my response was “yes it’s very sad. And I’m upset”. But no crying. No outwardly sign of being upset. I just kinda shrugged and went Yea it’s sad, now what? And Ive blamed it on the meds I was on for years but am recently realizing after talking to a pharmacist friend that it likely wasn’t the meds as those ones don’t tend to have that effect. And not to that extreme.

Like I stopped taking my anxiety meds that were very effective and needed from above the maximum dose (different rant about my moms abuse through medication) to nothing literally overnight because of having no other explanation for these issues I was facing and no other solution as I couldn’t get help because my mom refused. I went through a week of withdrawals and then have had severe anxiety ever since then. And have had an irrational fear of any medication for anxiety or depression because I’m worried it might make that happen again and have refused 3 different ones from my psychiatrist because of this fear.

But I also realized that when I stopped taking my meds is when I also started meticulously studying human behaviour and social cues and the socially acceptable response to emotions and basic empathy every night and started up the act. So things got “better” because of that. Not because of my stopping taking the medication.

So much has been coming to light lately after conversing with people online and from autism forums and my own research and The one person I thought would be able to actually help me and got my hopes up two weeks ago just brushed me off and told me that even if I was on the spectrum I seem to be high function enough that I shouldn’t even bother looking into a diagnosis” and then trying to diagnose each symptom as a separate mental illness.

[nny11writes]

Declarations, Mental Health, and Other Things You Never Asked Me to Explain About Myself but I’m Gonna Anyways

Ok, it's been almost a year since my last update on this and I wanted to explain myself a bit? And also share my story a bit??? 

This is all personal stuff so no need to read if you can’t handle it right now or don’t want to handle it. You’re not obligated to, but I felt it was important to share all this.

Here’s hoping the “Keep Reading” link works!

cw: anxiety, depression, mental health, suicidal ideation, nightmares

SO. Last year I had been working in a hostile working environment under an abusive supervisor for 2 years. One of the things I had done a right before I got that job (and was unemployed, depressed, and heavily suicidal) was I picked up writing fanfiction again. I had been in about a two or three year dry spell where I was writing fanfiction but never posting. Just writing it for me. And then I'd unceremoniously dropped all after posting a Mass Effect fic that had great response/reviews. Because the pressure was too much for me.

I found SW: TCW while unemployed and desperately seeking something to help lift my spirits and distract me from my known but untreated mental health. I wanted VERY desperately to find something enjoyable in life again. I was literally only alive because I was afraid of where my cat would be placed when I died. I kept seeing interesting meta posts from MyLordShesaCactus and AlexKablob about someone called Barriss Offee and someone called Ahsoka Tano. Deciding that I had literally nothing to lose I gave the show a watch.

It was a lifeline. During a time where I regularly had nightmares of being a robot that was torn apart and decommissioned, or dreams where I'd barely nick myself and suddenly start bleeding out, SW TCW became an obsession. I was years too late to the fandom but I still found active people and love for this girl who was a little Too Much and a little Too Pushy and a little Too Scared to Fail. Ahsoka hits all my bingo slots for characters I project heavily onto. And soon enough my nightmares, while still consistent, were no longer a given. Sometimes I dreamed about star wars instead. The first time I had a dream where I WAS Ahsoka Tano I woke up and cried because I'd felt so good.

Then I got hired in what I thought was a life affirming and saving way, and instead was shoved into a different kind of hell. I became so depressed that first year that I self harmed by starving myself and denying myself sleep. Which, of course, makes it worse. I started writing "Twilight" as a way to cope with my increasing intrusive thoughts about suicide and physical self harm. Then it became a way to deal with intrusive thoughts about wanting to harm others. I needed an outlet and was denying that I need medication to manage my mental health.

I didn’t expect anyone to read it and like it. I thought people would hate it. Because it was awful because I’m awful, and therefore nothing I did could be good.

But people did like it. A lot.

Then I was escorted to Psychiatric Emergency Services because I wanted to kill myself on the job. The whole episode is a little weird in my mind, time warped a bit and I remember crying nonstop and being unable to stop shouting, but when I look back what I remember most is feeling completely calm. Calm and soft and light. I think that was due to me finally verbalizing my thoughts and seeing that others did care. That I wasn’t some worthless pest to them. When I got to PES enough time passed that I got my panic attack under control, and when a psychiatrist finally saw me I downplayed the whole incident out of fear I was going to be institutionalized. I was scared as fuck in my little temp room in my little plastic chair staring at my hospital band and desperately hoping that none of the other people there would talk to me. So when I saw professionals I lied. I got a doctor’s note to stay out of work for two days and went home.

I finally had to admit to myself that I was not doing well. I was not handling my anxiety or depression. I was not ok and that it was ok to not be ok.

I was still scared to get professional help.

Instead, I spent that November participating in NaNoWriMo, where I wrote what would later become the first several chapters of “The Apprenticeship”. The first installment to the Close But No Cigar AU. I decided that I wanted and needed to write something that was happier. Ahsoka Tano made me happy and I wanted to do something good, anything good (for once in my fucking life). And convinced that I’d never done a good thing and never could, I decided to do a good thing first for a fictional character. So in I went to a story where Ahsoka Tano was an anxious wreck of a person, but had support and help and love. Into a world where Anakin Skywalker got the sort of help he needed. A place where they could all still meet and be friends and be family. Not somewhere with no pain, but somewhere softer.

The next month I finally got a PCP, and at the ass crack of 2017 I finally got medicated again.

I had already posted the first chapter of The Apprenticeship and energized by the meds and the reviews I got hard to work on finishing that story.

Funny thing about medicine, it’s a hassle and often the first thing you take is a unique struggle that requires adjustment. My first medication seemed great! For about two weeks! Then I developed a hand tremor so serious I couldn’t feed myself. That night I seriously struggled to not drive my car into the oncoming traffic lane and avoided all bridges on my way home from work. What I took helped my depressive symptoms but made my anxiety worse. The hand tremor was also a serious and rare side effect. The next day I was off that medicine and on a new one along with gabapentin to help the tremors.

Writing was difficult as fuck with my fingers shaking and twitching on the keyboard but I needed it as much as my medicine.

The new stuff worked out much better for me, we tweaked the dosage and I’m still on it. I’m glad to be on it!

Let’s do a little time skip shall we? That summer, a year after my experience at PES, I started writing Declarations. I wanted to see more Ahsoka & Obi-Wan content. They seemed like two people who should be close friends, have more of a father-daughter relationship, and general be together more than they were on screen. I found the idea of two Temple raised Jedi, who seem to break a bit from the mold and thinking of the Order, exploring their feelings for one another to be fascinating. I quickly realized that it would work really well to show that they are both mentally ill as well. I don’t like the term “mental illness” but it is accurate so I use it.

So I seeded it in from the start. I wanted to have two good people with anxiety and depression and PTSD and who knows what else find each other and help each other out! I wanted Ahsoka and Obi-Wan to be happy damn it!

So I started writing the story I wanted to see.

And unwittingly did what I had already been doing, pouring my own personal self into the story.

I’m not saying that putting some of yourself into your writing is bad, it really isn’t! Writing can be an amazing tool to explore your own experiences and sort your own feelings. I had been using it for over a year at that point to help cope with my own awful experiences, many of which I was still having to live with and through.

What happened for me is that I put a little too much of myself into this story. At the same time I was doing that my supervisor had gotten even stranger and in some ways worse. I didn’t have daily dread of being fired but I still had daily dread over who I would find when I arrived. My supervisor came in two flavors: Angry and Blaming, or Sweet and Frivolous. I still can’t decide if she was really just that abusive or if she also could use a helping hand in the mental health department. I really can’t. She did abuse me verbally and emotionally at work, she did gaslight me, she did scare me. I’m not saying that she wasn’t an abuser at all but I just don’t know if she was that way because she needs help too.

I hope she gets help if she needs it. But I’ll be grateful if I never have to see her again in my life.

Back to Declarations.

I put too much in and it had great reviews and lots of love, and I got very nervous and defensive over it. Too defensive and nervous over it. I really want to shout out to White_Ithiliel again, because she really helped me make this fic A LOT BETTER. Like, A LOT. Y’all don’t even realize what she has saved you from!! In the process she also has had to deal with my wild anxiety issues and defensiveness.

Seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for this fic and your endless patience with me!

The latest chapter I wrote in the spring of 2018, we started going back and forth with edits in the summer, and then I panicked over a good question and point she made. She wrote back and I very nervously peeked at her cropped response (the “show less” version) sometime around October 2018. My abusive supervisor had left but I had been asked to work with/under another lady who wasn’t not my supervisor. She was almost equally bad in another direction for me. My anxiety spiked and my depression got terrible again around the time we were working on this chapter. I saw literally half a sentence and read it weirdly, panicked, had a good cry, and closed the document.

I literally haven’t been in the head space to look at it since then.

My best friend moved in with me that fall, but he’d just had a suicide attempt a few month before. My own mental health, as I mentioned, was plummeting. This past winter my depression got out of hand. I stopped going to my band practices, I nearly stopped writing, I was exhausted. The only reason I didn’t go back to eating poorly and treating myself like shit was because he was there, and just having someone be physically there who I knew cared about me made a huge difference. If I had popcorn for dinner too often, he’d make us a frozen pizza. If I drank too much (and I abused alcohol this past winter for sure), he was there to help me with the hangover and violent sickness. Thank god for my best friend! My suicidal ideation went up but I didn’t become suicidal. This was the first winter in almost a decade where I haven’t wanted to seriously kill myself at some point. I had flashes of it, moments where the bottom of the world dropped out but they lasted for minutes or hours instead of weeks and months.

I talk to him a lot about my fics and fandoms, and he very patiently listens and helps me work through it all. He lets me read him what I’ve written or what I’m reading if I think it’s funny, and we talked a lot about this chapter of Declarations and my reaction to a sincere question regarding its content and characterizations. He offered to look at the chapter with me and see what my editor/beta’s response had actually been versus what I was afraid it was.

I turned him down in November for that because I realized I needed space and time away from this particular fic. This story where I made myself into Ahsoka and Obi-Wan and Anakin, which I could no longer separate the fictional world I had created from the emotions I was feeling about my “real life”.

White_Ithiliel, I am so SO sorry I never responded. I know my silence was probably anxiety inducing too. I want to say again that you didn’t do anything wrong or rude or mean to me. I just wasn’t mentally in a place to be doing what I was doing, and needed to turn myself off and on again.

Today, after having a full week of writing and nearly daily updating fics I enjoy I realized that my life has changed since winter.

I am at a new job with wonderful people that I really enjoy. It pays better so I’m also less stressed about money. My benefits finally kick in today and I plan on getting me a therapist soon along with a new PCP. I’m doing alright. I’m doing better than I have in years.

A huge part of that is thanks to having people PM me here on tumblr and being so genuinely enthusiastic about the stories that I write. So here’s to you all for helping me through my funk over the years, giving me ideas, and giving me a damn good laugh! dontcallmebugaboo

thirdbroomstick

woeful-woods

bobkitten

Gabby(Kirasoka)

And of course ithiliel-the-french-tolkiendil (AKA White_Ithiliel)

Y’all have been life savers, maybe even more so than I realized until I decided to write this whole crazy thing out!

Thanks to all of you, even those who just leave me a kudos or a like, I’ve been trucking along. Fandom has literally saved my life multiple times, and probably will again.

So today, feeling high on my new found writing powers, I finally went in and finished editing for the latest chapter of Declarations! Hell yeah me! :D

That said! I’m putting it on a formal hiatus!

I have the next chapter written (not edited) and several chapter ideas throw out on the page, but I also think I still need more time away from this story. I want to finish Declarations (y’all don’t understand how BADLY I WANT TO FINISH IT), but I also know that right now, where we are, we are literally on SEASON ONE, EPISODE 2.

Legit the next chapter takes place after the malevolence (AKA Episode 2 of season 1).

And we are currently over 32k in.

This is gonna be a long ass haul fic everybody. I didn’t expect it to be, I didn’t mean it to be, I wasn’t planning on it. I meant for it to be maybe 10 chapters and be super vague about the timeline.

But I think I’m just as much in love with this story as a lot of you are and dang it I want more! That means I have to write more, and that means I need to give myself space to actually be approaching it as a story.

And not as something I wish was happening in my life.

To anyone still reading, thank you, this thing was long than some of the stories I’ve written! But I wanted to share this. Yes, to explain why Declarations is currently in carbonite. But more importantly to talk about mental health.

Mental health fucking sucks my dudes. It’s hard and it’s messy and sometimes it comes out of nowhere and then leaves after eating your favorite snacks and cold clocking you at 3 AM.

I’ve been on a hell of a journey.

And a lot of you are too.

I’m not “tumblr famous” and I don’t think I’m any sort of well known fandom writer. But There’s enough of you out there that I wanted to post this in case you need to know that you’re not alone out there.

If any of you EVER need to talk, please shoot me a message! I’m legit down to talk about my fics, about your fics, about meta, theories, characters, what ifs, AU’s, etc. I’m ALSO legit down to talk about mental health and all the messy things that come with that. If you want to chat with someone about your fears, your ideation, your intrusive thoughts, HIT ME UP!

You’ve all been here for me, even though you didn’t know it.

I’d like to return that favor. So anytime, anyplace, please hit me up. I promise, nothing you’ve done is unacceptable or beyond the line. 

After all, in case you’d like a breakdown of the way I had a breakdown this last year, in the span of 10 hours I literally: 

Accidentally self inserted myself into a fic and didn’t realize it until asked about why characters were acting that way, got angry over someone not knowing what I didn’t even know especially when it wasn’t explicit, then immediately felt like the Worst Person ever for getting mad and anxious, went home and cried ugly sobs on my cat, debated if I deserved to live before immediately deciding that DUH OF COURSE I DO, but that I was just a sad sack and everyone knew it, ate one single can of vienna sausage directly out of the can for dinner, washed it down with waaaay too much box wine, cried again about fictional characters because I had “ruined” them, asked my best friend (drunkenly mind you) if I was a good person because I thought I was secretly the worst and a manipulator b/c I self inserted myself into my own fanfiction, and then spent the next 6 months or so anxiously opening and closing my google doc in fear of What I Might Learn About Myself or worse the discovery that I Had Been A Bad Person b/c I stated my thought process out clearly but obviously that’s just “mean” to do because I am a bad and can’t not do mean or something! 

Like...I get why I did it but fucks sake me. It took a lot of broken logic to get there. Looking back I don’t know how I did that actually. This is a self call out. I am @ing myself.

So, yeah.

Not sure how to end this. So...uh, feel free to talk to me if you want to!

[sarahslifejourney90]

Was having dinner and the news was on. Mental health was mentioned in relation to the police. Now, my parents know I’ve got mental health problems...they give me my meds ffs. Anyways my dad’s comment about it was ‘just taze them then if they’re showing signs of being mentally ill in public’. I still can’t get over that comment...the fact I’m sat right there with my parents and they say that...and don’t even think to ask if I’m okay!!!! I’m fucking fed up of them not thinking about what they say, of pretending to care about me- that if I ever try to tell them how I feel they either say “you’ve got no reason to feel that way” or they get angry at me when I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. They only pretend to care, they always have done..whether it be my physical or mental health. Example: i was at dance and my knee had a subluxation and my dance teacher said go to a&zen after class...so I told my mum I need to go to a&zen and she was like ffs just ice it at home etc. (I got angry and made her take me to a&e....which she reluctantly did.) One time my brother hurt his wrist, and thought it was okay but it was still painful a few days later so my mum immediately took him to a&e. Now, I love my brother even though he can be annoying!! But the fact is my parents care more about him than me...another example was when he started secondary school...he got picked on because he was my brother (bear in mind I was being bullied daily and begging my parents to let me change school) and my mum had a go at me for ‘not fitting in’ and me being bullied because my brother got picked on a bit. Like damn. They didn’t care I was being bullied and was thinking about suicide at age 13!!! #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #bipolar #bipolardisorder #bipolardisordertype2 #ednos #bpd #bpdproblems #eupd #relapse #recovery #anxiety #selfharm #urges #suicidal #suicidalthoughts #ptsd https://www.instagram.com/p/BuejRuEnnNS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=h2d6o0lq460m

[nastymomcomic]

Totally sort of on hiatus, but WAIT

I left off on a note that I wasn’t doing good. So here’s what’s up. I quit my job that I hated and that hated me and it was killing me going there. Honestly the entire experience there could be a comic in of itself. I started changing almost instantly after starting there and my SO brought that to my attention close to when I decided to quit. My anxiety was through the roof, I was getting physically ill from it. It’s been about three months since I quit and I actually feel much better than I did.

The decision to quit came around the end of Christmas season (aka retail hell), my stress level hit it’s max. With work and with how things are at home, I became suicidal and started breaking my things instead of hurting myself. (On a side note I discovered I have a deep raspy yelling voice that would be perfect for an anime character) 

(This is kind of long so I’ll put one of those read more thingies)

I talked with my SO about it and I agreed to quit the job, get back on my anxiety medication , and get back into steady therapy. (I was given a new counselor and hadn’t been able to make it to therapy because of work.) Shortly after I started becoming viciously sick around my period, turns out I just have extremely bad pms to the point ai throw up and become Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde. It is horrible. I didn’t figure it was my period until recently though, for a while I thought I was bipolar or had the flu, even pregnant. Nope, it was just pms. I had no idea how common that is for women until it happened to me.

With the job, I had a lady curse me out because I had to charge her for  10 cent bag that she wanted a giant barrel of pretzels put into, which didn’t fit anyway. That wasn’t even my worst customer by far, but it’s definitely my favorite story to tell. (There will definitely be an episode about that bitch.) I hurt my wrist the first month I worked there and my supervisor never made a report refused to report it, so I wasn’t seen by their doctor, and none of my managers or coworkers were notified of my injury, so my workload and tasks weren’t changed. I went to the my doctor before quitting so I’d have the injury on record, he found it was a sprained wrist, and told me it wouldn’t heal because I’d been using it too much. (Which is why work is supposed to fucking change your work tasks when you have a fucking work related injury.) This same supervisor looked me up and down with the fucking stink eye during my interview and I knew she was going to be a problem, and I wasn’t wrong.

I spent a good two months trying to figure out exactly how to report that my workplace refused to make report for my injury, but at the end of it I just wanted to quit and be done with all of it. This lady had definitely been acting like that way before I worked there, there’s no way the company or at least the other managers weren’t aware of what she does. As much as I would like to get her fired for being a gigantic asshole, it’s not my job to babysit women in their damn 50’s. And she definitely wasn’t the only deciding factor. Besides the shitty customers treating me like shit on a daily basis, I only had  a handful of coworkers who were my saving grace there. They were awesome to work with and I genuinely looked forward to seeing them. But when they weren’t there, my calls would get ignored by my coworkers and managers, I’d find them all chilling out in the office, customers would be left waiting for over 30 minutes because no one wanted to answer me, it was just ridiculous. I could go on and on but I think my final straw was being told by a manager that I needed to “stop doodling” while at the register…. like fucking when??? I asked for clarification or a date on when I’d done such a thing and said manager refused to explain or anything.

I mean, that and when I changed my availability for health reasons. I was working full shifts and 4 days out of the week during peek Christmas season, and changed my availability to just one day a week. Car broke down and you know, I was suicidal and loosing my mind. I made sure to change my availability only after peek was over, but gave management a heads up so they had time to fill shifts. Shit supervisor was the one I had to talk to about it first and she said ‘You’re kidding me, you’re changing your availability during peek?” And I’d had enough of her shit so I sad=id back “No I’m changing it after peek next week, but I’m doing the considerate thing and notifying people now.”

Fucking bitch. Like wow I wrote it was for medical reasons, thank you so much for your fucking concern.

The ironic part was they said I was doing absolutely great, but I’d stopped giving all my fucks over a month ago and started half assing my job like the people who got all the credit for slacking off while others and myself did circles around them. Now that I stopped doing my job well, they liked me? lmfao hwwaaaaat? When I was busting my ass I was always told I was “straggling” and needed to do better. I just… how does that even work? forget it, I don’t work there anymore, it’s not my problem. I quit without giving two weeks notice. I wrote my resignation letter before my shift, and when my shift was done I quit on the spot. Shitty supervisor never looked happier. (lol I bet)

It was weird, that place had fast turnover, but also had people who had been working there for ears. (Shit supervisor had been working there 17+ years) And now I totally get why.

The minute I walked out of the break room knowing I never had to work there again, I felt a giant weight lifted from my entire body. It was absolutely amazing. Thing is, me not having that job doesn’t even make a dent in my income because it was so far away, it had shitty hours, and I was spending so much money on gas to get there. It was absolutely pointless. Now I can focus on things that actually benefit me and build my future.

So I’m back in therapy back on my meds, not having the life drained out of me, and Nmom has been in therapy for like 5 months now and she’s starting to actually be normal, it’s like she’s learning to manager her emotions or something. I don’t trust it, but it makes things a lot easier and I’ll take the quiet while I can get it. Bad news is my grandpa is in the hospital right now, he nearly died, had to have a pacemaker out in him. It’s been a big ordeal but it could be worse. SO things are changing for me again, someone has to be there for him and it’s actually going to be me and Nmom seeing as no one else will. Things are a bit up in the air but I know it could of been worse so I’m just thankful.

My SO is going to be moving soon to his own place and I’ll be living with him half of the week and the rest of the week with my mom and probably with my grandpa when he finally comes home. Honestly I am scared, but I’m also determined. I decided to go back to school, pay off bills, invest in things I need to do, and get back to what I love or I think my soul will die if I don’t.

The comic nasty mom will be back soon, and eventually, it will have to end as well. I’ve found that I tend to reopen wounds through my muse, so i need to find a way to really really, really make this comic for myself. I also tend to care about others more than myself, even in my art. I haven’t really been doing this comic for myself at all, I think I’ve been doing it for others more than for myself. And I need to change that. I’m glad my comic has been able to make others smile and laugh, and it definitely will continue to. But I need to change how I approach my art and life if I want to start taking care of myself seriously.

For now I’m going to start getting my feet wet again with my art and buy a new scanner because mine broke like 4 months ago, and the bastard gave me a bruise last week on my foot. (printers are evil!!!!) There will definitely be a lot of drawings and work sketches to show, so that’s good.

I just got on birth control last week and I’m starting to feel some of the changes and stuff. I’m taking care of my body and hopefully my pms doesn’t make me go crazy. Last week I cried because my SO bought me french fries, and an hour before that I wanted to throw my iced coffee at people because Starbucks mad it wring and I was already nauseated and I got more nauseated because there wasn’t enough creme…. yeah, I’m a mess ahahahah.

I’m doing a lot of soul searching for sure right now, but I’ll be back soon! And with more art! And possibly another comic for when this comic finishes! (Shhhh that part is a secret!)

Until next time, I’ll always reply to comments, and I have a ask box on my tumblr as well. I have tumblr and instagram so that should keep readers and friends a little entertained while I’m away!

[lilacponds]

why does my mom have to be such an asshole?

i tried to explain to her that when her and the rest of my family "jokes" and makes fun of me it actually has a negative effect on me and id wish for them to fucking stop for fucks sake, ive dealt w this long enough, and she got angry bc theyre "just jokes"

i was like "if you insult and make fun of me anytime i try to get into healthy routines then ill stop dead on my tracks bc of the negativity my brain associates to the activity" and she was like "oh saying 'what saint is it?', 'lets write it on the calendar', 'youre doing this are you sick?' is insulting you? you dont know what insulting is" IVE BEEN BULLIED MY WHOLE TIME IN EACH YEAR OF SCHOOL AND YOUVE BEEN FUCKING ASSHOLES FOR MY WHOLE LIFE I THINK I CAN TELL WHEN SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME

and she was angry. she was like "okay no more joking with you. ill be serious." and i was like "fine thats what im asking"

she just. wont understand

i tried to explain her thru the fact that my bro years ago told me once that id never find someone that would love me and even thru 2 (now 3 but she doesnt know) relationships its a fear thats ingrained in me and my depression clings to it. "im not mentally healthy. im ill. i have depression and anxiety. its a joke to you but not to me"

nope.

"do you want to help me only when its not bothersome to you?" didnt get an answer but, its not like i needed her to answer. i know already

the new meds are working but i wonder how much they can work when theres so much negativity in my daily life.

90% of the times ive wanted to hurt myself one way or the other, in my whole life, has been her fault

im tired. except my meds are working, so im not dead tired, im angry tired.