#ill answer any questions about this

[hawtastic]

SHEPHERDS OF HAVEN | @shepherds-of-haven Headshot art by me. (7K words, beware).

 ☆ To Travellers, the Stars are Guides

— Careful With The Wish You Make.

"Reaching out my hand to the endless path of despair the universe has woven out for me in stardust. I gave in to the dreams I found laid out before me... Even if I was wrong from the beginning, this path carved anew will surely shed light on scenery never seen... Though momentarily translucent, I will one day gain my hue and fulfil my dreams. No matter what colour it will be, it shall shine. I must shine."

On the surface, Altair is an elegant and prudent woman.

To many, Altair is seen as an intelligent and austere carrying herself with the poised grace of an aristocrat and a disposition as sweet as honey. She's slender, tall, and beautiful. If she weren't diminished, she would surely be desirable to most. Akin to the moon rising from still waters on a starry night or pale blossoms gently swaying with a mild breeze, her demeanour smooth and unfazed as she follows wherever the wind may carry her. Placidly gentle and quiet, if she expresses none of her truth, she will surely remain to be admired.

However, her character is truly defined by forlorn, sentiments, vehemence, and prejudice. Woven so tightly into her feelings that her stitches begin to overlap and she is no longer able to discern which threads are the ones that once made her her and which are merely there to conceal the innumerable fissures threatening to show what's beneath her benevolent facade.

❀ "The stars are beautiful because of a flower you don't see." 

From a young age, Altair has been a serf to others: controlled by both the whims of life and helpless to her fate. After the tragedy that was her thirteenth birthday, the lack of control that she has felt over her own life has been paralysing for her. Her display as saint in the public eye and her personal martyrdom being one of the only things she truly feels in control of as she continuously parades herself around with dulled song, hollowed laughter, and the shattered shimmers of the stars she desperately clings to whilst deep waves threaten to consume her and make her drown in her personal melancholy. 

Fearing to connect with others due to her insatiable loneliness; constantly fearing she will lose control. She instead masks herself behind placid generosity, a charitable sweetling with a good head on her shoulders, tender, cordial, and generally soft spoken. However, she is extremely self-destructive and a workaholic who, despite herself, lacks such autonomy and in correspondence, the confidence needed to keep up with her own one-woman masquerade. Her lack of confidence is irrefutable, her inescapable feelings of inferiority, comfortability with herself, and lack of control over her own actions, has her constantly trying to compensate with altruism and acts of service.

Obsessively fixated on the work she takes on, workaholism is one of her driving points — almost directly punishing herself by taking on excessive heaps of tasks and deliberately not giving herself any rest, which results in self-destruction. Part of her being is entirely based of her unyielding loyalty, how useful she can make herself to the Shepherds and others, fearing she will be abandoned the moment she does something drastic or is no longer necessary for their goals despite the fact that she is an integral part of the Order now — being shown value, having her companions tell her how much she's needed, and showing her genuine affection makes her physically recoil.

"But does the reason even matter? I'll never go back to where I came from. I've decided to get rid of everything in my way."

She's not inherently terrible. However, seeing as Altair is purely a self-made cynic, so many things about her are a part of her carefully constructed persona – you can't hurt someone who doesn't exist, and she never wishes to be hurt again; her feelings so deeply repressed to the point where she no longer realises she's in fact not fine, or at the very least not supposed to be. 

Having been so hurt and feeling a deep need for something, she tends to withdraw and not share because she thinks that nobody will be able to help her. The emptiness and anguish she feels are indescribable; she doesn't feel as if she can trust anyone, distrusting life and others so much that she thinks nobody can really help her in the face of so much pain (and, above all, there is nothing she can do to stop it). 

She is jealous of her peers, but can also be jealous of beings she loves–such as her friends–and ones she hates. Her jealousy stems from the fear that someone will be preferred over her since her own presumptions often overtake her ability to think straight in such regards. Furthermore, this fear is made even more vivid by the fact that she has developed a lack of self-confidence and is therefore convinced that any other person can be much more interesting than she is despite the abilities and talents she possesses and isn't hesitant to display. 

When Ayla tells her they may be more similar than she had originally thought, Altair can barely hold herself up—if Ayla sees herself on par with her, does that mean that she isn't special anymore? 

Altair feels separated from the rest and considers herself and her abilities special, at the same time it's notable that she feels lonely, a loneliness that she imposes on herself by drawing a barrier from others so that they do not know her "true self," (somewhat similar to Chase), and becomes convinced that she will never be able to trust anyone or be close to anyone.

 ☆ In public Altair tends to repress "frowned upon" emotions like anger or hatred and generally appears sweet, friendly, and placid—but in private, she may express the emotions she stores up in social situations and becomes aggressive. Generally, she prefers to swallow her own poison rather than externalize it to the people around her, and she has found it particularly difficult to find her place amongst the Shepherds. 

A situation that is particularly fitting is after chapter 6, where Altair is asked who she wishes to be next Autarch by one of the recruits. In a fit of sudden anger after a long few weeks, she spits out the retort, "Neither. They're both rotten to the core." Before the room drops into an uncomfortable silence and the topic is dropped.

☆ She is always kind, expresses herself in amicable, graceful ways, and approaches, as she avoids conflict and losses. Shows kindness and sacrifices to please the other, and tries to avoid behaviours that can provoke or irritate. She has learned to stand on her toes in the world. When her mask is dropped by a sudden pang of anger, most reactions of anyone that may be present during such a fit border on shock; because that is Altair, and such words are a part of her 'ugly' self that she shouldn't have shown.

When she returns Trouble's hugs, tells Briony she's beautiful, or reciprocates Tally's views she doesn't necessarily do it out of sincerity and love but rather because she's afraid to say/do something that may cause them to view her differently or dislike her. In turn Altair's words and actions are often viewed by the opposing party as flirting; even when that is not her intention – it's not that she thinks Briony is ugly, far from it, it's more so that she's telling the other what she wants to hear in the moment rather than speaking her blunt opinion. Altair tends to form an attitude based on the general perspective of 'goodness' and then strives to act sincerely on these sentiments. When applied to her behaviours and actions, this provides her with strong ideals of what is 'decent' of a person and holds herself to almost quixotic standards.

"You don't rely or trust anyone. You are absolutely astute, but always look down on others. Whenever someone tries to get involved with you, you lead them on just to brush them off once they've gotten too close."

Learning to ignore herself, Altair turns her shortcomings into false confidence. She is perceptive but represses her sensations or disconnects and seems not to perceive what is there. She denies her internal and external world to maintain a smile and obtain love from the Order and the public as 'The Hero of Haven', since if she expresses what she perceives it runs the risk of confronting her aggression with the fact that there are things she doesn't like and agree with, but that comes with the fear of being rejected for expressing it unless there are enough people amongst her who share the same sentiments. 

One of her worst fears is confrontation. When the voice(s) in her head talk to her about what to do or not do, when the Faceless Lords try and manipulate her to make her crack by stating the words she herself is too afraid to express, anger threatens to flood over and burst her carefully constructed dam. 

Losing control, freaking out; anything out of her control that could threaten her image terrifies her. This control extends to many areas, in the illusion of being able to manage everything without making herself vulnerable. Getting to satisfy the needs of the other is a strategy to not be with oneself, where nothing worthy of being valued or loved appears. That's why Altair always maintains a distance from the other Shepherds, evasive from anything too personal about herself and her past. Getting closer to someone also comes with the inevitable consequence that she would have to break the facade. It is threatening for someone to get close and confront her, as if the scaffolding supporting the fantasy of "everything is fine" was so fragile that if it moves, her perfectly poised castle collapses. So, Altair, even when engaging with others, is keeping a distance, so her image remains undisturbed, and she places false sweetness to fill this gap. She doesn't actually try to rely on others despite desperately needing to. She is perceptive of others, condescending as they are dazzled by this image, but she won't show frustration.

"I thought that if I acted like it did not matter, then it wouldn't. Foolish thoughts, I know, emptiness falls heavier than I had previously presumed."

Though, Altair doesn't run away from others, nor herself. On the contrary, she seems to be actively fixated on figuring out her own authentic self. Who, what, why, how? She is overly focused on her own authentic tenacity and confronting her inferiority complex and gaining admission from others for her own 'narcissism' as well as her escapism from reality through various means. She excessively fixates on the negatives of her life even after she has joined the Shepherds; she is constantly reveling in guilt and overbearing herself through her own emotions (a reason why she has such a big inferiority complex). 

Altair isn't delusional by any means, quite the opposite, she knows all too well the person whom she is (overly conscious of her bitter inferiority complex amongst aforementioned things), she doesn't drown in narcissism through helping others rather she bathes in it: the more gracious praise she gets the better she feels about herself.

☆ Comparing her to Chase in this regard (as I personally find them to be more similar on closer analysis) — Altair is obviously more austere and composed compared to Chase his quirky, sunny behaviour I think they both suffer from strong superiority-inferiority complexes and portray different characters in different areas to compensate for this lack. Therefore, indulging in tenacity against their own envy to counter this out (which is also why I would consider them to be somewhat toxic in their interpersonal relationship, for lack of a better word). Their relationship, or rather lack thereof, is what eventually starts having them open up to one another. One of the reasons that Altair even indulges with and humours Chase is the fact that having the company of someone as equally miserable as her motivates her personally to try and be better, so she believes with Chase it will assist him too.

Moving on, Altair is not actively trying to stay stuck in her own spiral — at least not until she joins the Shepherds — instead she is constantly working towards others to conquer her shame and fear of forming genuine friendships and bonds. After becoming a Captain in the Order, she slowly starts to stop resisting the world and her disconnect from it, instead facing it head on through hard work with her companions to work through not just image issues but nuance in the emotional realm. However, despite this, she still has the ever present urge to repress herself and keep up her mask; she slowly lets it slip away as she gets closer to her fellow Captains but the public is a whole other matter. 

Altair takes on any issues she has to herself. She transforms her neurosis into something for her to take the burden of and survive/cope with. She buries down her own depression to move toward a goal and ignores her own suffering as she believes it to be a waste of time. Altair is overly aware of her inferiority. She constantly refines herself to be the best she can possibly be and avoids her own suffering through pursuing.

The surface level Altair is caring and altruistic, the REAL Altair Varieth is is someone who is overly brooding towards things bordering on melancholy whilst simultaneously driven by over a decade of pent-up wrath. She locks up her own emotions and suffering so others can't recognise these negative feelings agonisingly boiling inside of her to the point of rotting her to the core.

"As a child, I read of heroes described as saints, or martyrs. At the time, I longed to be a saint and, if a martyr, even better, how proud the world would regard me then."

Altair takes in her negative emotions and tries to use them as firewood to sustain the suffering and effort that life entails so as not to burst into flames herself. There's a certain masochism that becomes present through feelings of hopelessness Altair suffered as a child, which, in later years, made her work harder and harder to conquer this helplessness. She wishes to not just help herself, far from it even, she wants to help others survive. One of her main goals is to get 'revenge' on what has been oppressing her, that being not only the demons, but also the Autarchy. She tries to turn as much of her anger and rage into fuel to reach her goal(s). 

She spends her years from the moment she lost her home working and persisting with her anger to figure out what even happened in the first place and figuring out the perfect ways to defeat her enemies, through research, training, and then Sun knows what else. These feelings were mainly dealt with through Altair's aforementioned feelings of helplessness. She believed herself to be way too weak to help her village during its inevitable demise, and therefore went on to believe she was the weakest amongst the Shepherds as well despite proving otherwise countless times.

But despite her melancholy, Altair is still an empathic person and feels a deep desire to protect and care for other people — a feeling bordering on a saviour complex related to her extreme feelings of altruism. She wants to be specially divided from her peers whilst simultaneously being liked by everyone for her good deeds and kindness. Altair does find a great sense of worth in caring for others by giving them her service. Though she does love her companions, she has a hard time genuinely conveying it through means that aren't acts of service or blunt remarks. She can easily pick up and identify with others' emotions and come up with solutions that are beneficial for their cause, but her genuinity is often overshadowed by her personal pragmatism and so she proceeds to use flowery words instead as to not offend or hurt anyone. 

When she's talked herself into a corner and someone asks her what their ultimatum should be, Altair often brushes it all off with a simple "well, I don't know. It's your decision in the end." I think a good example is when she's sitting with Briony who asks her if she should keep looking towards the future or try and figure out her past (to simplify it) and despite Altair having a clear opinion on what she thinks Briony should do she doesn't want it to hammer at her own personal consciousness later if that doesn't work out for her; so instead she answers, "it's up to you." As she doesn't wish to hurt Briony's feelings by giving her objective advice. On the contrary when she's talking to Riel in his workshop and to Lavinet in the courtyard who both end up asking her if they should focus on their long term goals outside of the Shepherds or their current in the Order Altair openly tells them to focus on their futures which don't involve the Shepherds; as she still sees the Order as only temporary despite her conflicting feelings surrounding the matter. 

"Ah, do you really think I'm as gracious as I appear? A justice fighter who wishes to help everyone? That's all a lie. You know, I never wanted to be some hero. All I ever wanted to be was someone else. At heart, I'm horrible.”

Being almost infatuated with her own image, Altair is constantly looking at others for approval. This is a very crucial part of her character.

Her apparent benevolence is tricky and manipulative due to excessive use and its purpose: to give herself permission to always do what she wants and forgive herself for any failure. Despite her self-indulgence, internally, she does not feel worthy of praise. 

As to not fall in the depth of her own self hatred, Altair makes use of self-indulgence. She does this by convincing both herself and other people that she is a good and righteous person whose goal is to only help everyone she can. Rationalised by praiseworthy social goals. Self-indulgence becomes giving the feeling of commitment; the difficulty in truly using her aggression, opting for pacifism; in an image of austere joy and absence of problems; in honesty. It can fall into two main functions: On one hand, Altair tries not to limit herself to her interpersonal greed. And on the other, not to fall into the narcissistic tension produced by her everyday self and her ideal self. 

Altair transforms her self-indulgence into an indulgence directed at others, doing everything she can to please them, though, of course, this doesn't erase her fixation completely. She gives commitment, and she gives up her desires. She is nothing but mild, moderate, and kind to others. She makes an effort to be honest when she can. She is encouraging, never letting an ounce of her suffering be noticed by others. And yet, by doing all of this, her efforts are futile because Altair is a liar, as much as she doesn't want to be one, as much as she hates herself for it. 

In order to keep up this ideal image of herself, Altair deceives everyone around her. Her self indulgence works wonders at making her ignore her pain and suffering to focus on her extraordinary mission, to give up her own happiness and pleasure for the sake of others — which may be working considering her current 'Hero' status. Altair doesn't recognise her limits as that would entail recognising her suffering, her flaws, everything she's worked so hard to bury deep down. But at the same time, it makes her unable to form any meaningful relationships. 

Her head is tangled with fear. Fear can make one do all kinds of things: (be it mentally or physically) isolate herself and be afraid to leave her mark on anything in life (especially prominent when she was younger); constantly coming up with the worst case scenarios, accusing or assuming anyone and everything including herself of having bad intentions; building surface relationships and resorting to lies to not be overwhelmed by her own cowardice. But, as aforementioned, Altair is very self-aware. There is no love that blinds her, no impulses—instead she rationalises everything. Altair knows she's living on the surface of her emotions. In fact, she's doing so on purpose.

☆ Gluttony – beyond the description as a disproportionate fondness for food – it can be described as a passion for more and better that manifests itself especially as a fascination with novelty, the unknown and the exotic, an excessive dependence on pleasure, an automatic tendency to avoid pain and frustration, and a desire to be liked, popular, and admired. Altair's social integration transforms the passion of gluttony into an apparent virtuous form of counter-gluttony by being good, disinterested, and moderate with others so that her neuroticism becomes less evident.

In short, Altair, who is moved by gluttony in her social sphere, is addicted to experiences that give her back an image of extraordinaire, to which she can then nurture the image of herself being someone out of the ordinary. Her tendency to sacrifice stands out, as it is a shortcut to acquire extraordinariness in the eyes of others and of herself and extract - from that experience - that her life has meaning. 

Altair is fixated on becoming her ideal self and attempts to achieve this image through repressing her desires, sacrificing her fun/free time, and deceiving people so that they never get close enough to her to figure out what she's actually like. Altair does desire admiration through the eyes of others, to nourish her own broken self-esteem, but she does this in a very hidden way. Despite the way she carries herself, Altair doesn't want explicit admiration; having people sing her praises, give her gifts, and openly admire her scares her and makes her feel even guiltier.

"Ah, what do they even like about me? They all compliment me using so many words. Yet, every time they say those things... I wonder who they're talking about. Because I'm not like that at all.”

What she truly wants is someone near her. She doesn't mind if she's the one who has to take care of others all the time – she loves training her squad and other recruits, helping Shery whenever she can, 'raising' Caine – protecting and ensuring their well being is one of her priorities. She doesn't mind if she has to neglect herself and sacrifice her days off. She wants people to think she's a good person and to stay near her, even if this is nothing but a surface level impression and relationship.  

"Nonono, you see, I am a good person. I swear, I swear I am good, you have to tell me, please tell me I'm a good person.”

• In Chapter Six when Altair, Ayla, Briony, and Tally's have made camp instead of staying at the inn their camp gets 'ambushed' by bandits in the middle of the night who turn out to be villagers driven out of their destroyed establishments. Instead of attacking, Altair strikes up a conversation and asks what they need – one hundred deucalions – and Altair promptly gives it to them out of her own pocket. When the bandits leave and her companions sing her praises, Altair feels good. She didn't do it out of kindness. Rather, out of the wicked sense of accomplishment and heroism, she feels from being praised and admired by her companions.  • In Chapter Five, when Altair spares Nathe in the arena instead of sticking to the mission and killing him or beating him pretty much lifeless to win, she didn't necessarily do it out of humanity... There is a reason she made sure to guilt trip him and punch him to the ground first before making the decision to grant Briony's wish and spare him. Fighting is a way for Altair to let loose; an arena setting wasn't exactly a healthy environment for her to be in. Though, when Briony proceeds to gush over Altair later on, it makes her feel as if 'throwing the mission' was all worth it in the end.

"Ah... but if my first word was used for destruction then I shall use all the remaining ones for good; it will cancel out all the horrible things I've done and I will no longer be tainted by my past sins.”

• Altair uses her Words of Power for selfish desires she views as selfless. The Landsmeet from Chapter Six and the Tree from Chapter Nine are perfect examples of Altairs altruistic saviour complex on full display. A deep, greedy desire: a world where everyone is happy and nothing bad ever happened to her. She wants to 'atone' for the 'horrible things' she's done as a child by fixing everyone else's problems with barely any thought going into it. The moment she creates a new Landsmeet she doesn't do it because she cares especially about the Elementals, rather she loves the praise and attention it gives her, the gifts and gratitude, the sense of accomplishment. Even if it's all at the cost of something greater in the long run.

"No... it's not going to be okay... I keep acting as if I'm perfect, even though I'm so weak. I'm merely full of lies. I didn't become a Shepherd in order to atone for having failed to save the people I love. The truth is... I never wanted to be 'the Hero of Haven'. All I ever wanted was to be with someone else."

When faced with conflict in her personal circle or rather just in general social situations, the usually calm and collected Altair tends to become visibly distressed. If she's left alone, what's going to stop her from sinking deep into all her issues? What's going to stop her from acknowledging that she's a coward? If there's no one left for her to take care of, she's going to have to realise why she has such a desperate desire to take care of others in the first place. And she knows that touching her pain so deeply would bring her nothing but suffering. 

Altair feels as if the moment she'll show someone a bit of vulnerability, her true honest self. If she's just a little bit selfish, nobody is going to love her. 

"It's going to be okay. Even if I'm left alone again, I'll be able to keep going. Even if it means I can't get along with my friends, I mustn't change the way I do things. I mean, that's... I have to fight to help everyone. If I couldn't save my village, then at least…”

When her defences have crumbled, Altair is left with the whole picture of who she really is – she can't stand to look at herself in the mirror any longer – she is her own biggest fear. She's selfish, prideful, and never satisfied. She wants more and more and lies to get it. She's scared of people disliking her, so she makes an effort to please them. She never lets anybody in. She's terrified of vulnerability and never forms any meaningful relationships (at least based on truth on her part). Fear has consumed her life. She can't bear herself anymore. She's drowned in her own guilt.

She begins to realise she's starting to blame her companions for the hardships she's come across overtime as Shepherd, that all her decisions weren't even hers and she was acting on peer pressure in order to make herself feel better and finding herself an awful person for doing so. She finds herself emotionally weak. Even though she doesn't want to blame or resent people, she still does. She's always been afraid of drowning in this hidden negativity and resentment of hers, and so she spirals.

"I realised there were people who would care about me. If I could make a wish, I wish I could meet all of you in a world without demons.”

As aforementioned, Altair is very pragmatic and objective. Not only is she keenly interested in researching her own potential and abilities but also that of others — being very ambitious within her field as a mage. From the moment she becomes aware of the fact that she is an important figure amongst the Shepherds she is rather pleased; being fond of hierarchy that puts her in a favourable position (hence why she dislikes the Autarchy, since she's obviously in the barracks in their hierarchical system) and accumulating knowledge, as a way of improving her skills in a more pragmatic and objective view.

Having an incessant thirst for more knowledge and information to become more powerful and have an advantage over everyone she crosses be it in battle or in witts. Furthermore, her observations are rarely subjective and contemplative, most in fact are a direct objective — she lacks the same nuance Red has — assigning things as useless if they can't be used directly to assist her in any possible way. This also accumulates through the lengths she'll go through to acquire knowledge, not hesitating to directly rip intimate memories from someone's mind to satisfy her temporary qualms and curiosity — when she reads Mimir's mind to gain insight on her past in Chapter Seven or the encounter with Hall in Chapter One for example — and if what she finds out was not of use in the end, she tosses it aside without a glance back. 

Her ultimate goal in acquiring knowledge/insight is gaining the upper hand by any means necessary; anything outside of that does not matter to her. Her intuition acts more as a secondary aspect, which makes her thinking more distant, expanding its scope whilst not taking away her objective and pragmatic nature. 

She has trouble understanding her own emotions surrounding magic and taking others' ideas and opinions surrounding magic into account. She values her peers but can come across as harsh when asked to teach/talk about the topic of it. Having isolated herself from other mages growing up and teaching herself magic has made her extremely sensitive to opinions that aren't on her exact wavelength. 

☆ Whenever Altair is within the proximity of Red, she immediately feels a sense of jealousy and envy; wanting to be as far away from him as possible whilst simultaneously feeling drawn to him.  

"And in the end, I wasn't truly anyone. Beneath the sweet benevolence, my heart is cold and soggy... funny since I despise the cold."

Make a wish upon a shooting star and witness the futility of it all

— The final breath of a dying star.

"They say that stars may be gateways to other universes that lay beyond our reach. Whilst merely wishful thinking I can not help but muse on such conspiracies... If every atom of my body was once a part of a star, maybe I won't be leaving... maybe I would simply be going home to a graveyard full of deceased shimmering hope. Would they come looking for me when my light goes out? Would they reach out for me in the dark the same way I do them?"* As always, she says nothing at all, simply staring upward into the dark sky, watching with sad eyes the slow dancing of the infinite stars. *"It's so unfair... you're all allowed to be free and beautiful whilst I'm stuck down here withering away with long-lost dreams.”

– A Varieth.  "To tell the truth, I am unsure what to think anymore. I had originally presumed Haven would be a new beginning for me, though on the journey there, I had already changed my mind and planned to leave once the wedding had finished. Yet now I find myself in the lap of the Shepherds instead. Of all people... seriously. Why recruit me at all? Must this be my reality? I'm uncertain whether I should laugh or scream– maybe throw myself into hysteria for a minute or so? Ah, it does not matter. I have no choice but to continue down the path fate has put me on — Oh, how I shall be a hero. They'll be astonished perhaps even in awe and praise the ground I walk on!... isn't that what I deserve for being so willing to sacrifice myself for them? I have no ambitions. My previous dreams do not matter either way, now that I am a part of the Order."

Other notes on Shepherd Altair Varieth.

• An air of elegance and grace surrounds Altair as she steps through the halls of the compound with a gentle smile curled up on her lips. She seemed so much more pliant, and tender, and lissome now. The frenzied gallant warrior they had watched in the church now obscured by austere beauty aside from her magic-ringed passionate dark eyes, the gold within shifting as it pleases like the shimmer of a star. It's almost strange how the smile she wears for the public fades in the company of the ones she trusts, and yet she seems more content that way; tranquil fondness in a softened gaze. 

• One heroic declaration and hopeful promise after the other spills from Altair's lips, if they wish for her to be a hero she will be just that — it's no different from acting for an audience, except the play she puts on has no end. She has no aversion to promises and will not hesitate to make them, be it something small or grand. She knows hope is so fragile and easy to give and so she simply thrives under the knowledge; when hope is promised to someone only to be taken away, they might break — being the sole contributor of such hope makes her feel good about herself, and gives her a driving force. It's not as if she will fail... she's a hero, after all. 

• There's an unexpected bluntness to Altair around her close companions. When her mask is temporarily off, she will not hesitate to tell the ones she holds dear why she holds them in high regard and tell them how important they are to her. She feels strange when it's reciprocated, her cheeks begin to redden prickling with unexpected heat — she quickly hardens her expression before politely excusing herself and darting off when too much of her personal vulnerability has been shown.

• Funnily enough, Altair is easily startled and unexpectedly sensitive to touch. She despises pranks — especially ones where someone jumps out at her — though it is one of the most effective ways to put a crack in her facade and have her openly appear perturbed for a mere moment before she huffs and quickly flees the scene like a bird who just flew into glass—embarrassed and caught off guard. Similarly she flinches at every pat, bump, and nudge; she could have been staring at Trouble's hand coming up to thump her on the back and she'd still wince and draw back before quickly straightening herself again and pretend as if she didn't just do that. Whenever someone points it out, she just brushes it off. 

• Altair adores accessorizing, embellishing, and picking out her clothes and doing her hair. She likes to think of herself as fashionable even if her taste can be questionable at times. She diligently chooses her earrings and make-up in the mornings, waking early to doll herself up with another intricate hairstyle and an outfit barely suitable for her work in the Shepherds — she's testing the bounds of the Order's rules with her deliberate choices in attire to see what she can get away with, much to Blade's consternation.

• It's almost pathetic how weak Altair is when it comes to Caine. It has become undeniable that she watches and cares for him like a mother despite vehemently denying so. "I care about all my friends to this degree— don't look at me like that..." She's constantly checking up on him, helping him whenever it's needed, spending her earnings on gifts and snacks for the boy. Though the jealousy is almost palpable when she sees him with the other Shepherds... "Hm? Me? Jealous? Haha... no way." She says through narrowed eyes and the gritted teeth of her painful fake smile. 

• Maybe Altair is a bit too overprotective of her trusted friends. The recruits have long grown accustomed to her bursting in and scolding whoever gave Shery a hard time or glared at Lavinet a little too long during breakfast — and it's not only in the compound; whilst she doesn't do anything drastic in public a little threat to a shopkeep who had been annoying Tally's a bit too long or a patron who made a snide remark towards Briony has never hurt anyone.

• Yeah... she has no idea how to feel anymore after joining the Shepherds. Unfortunately, whilst at first merely having done it for selfish whims and gain, the environment Altair was given at the Shepherds Order made it all too easy to revel in the warmth and foster compassion. She has never had allies, confidantes, or friends — people she can genuinely trust, fall back on, and allow to watch her back despite her inner displeasure telling her she shouldn't. It's slow and gradual and probably still not completely open to the feeling, but her heart has been softening. 

A pivotal moment that made her question her morals was in Chapter Seven when she fought against Thurl... talking to someone so bitter and dead set on revenge via merciless methods it was only then she realised how similar she fought — that whenever her mask slipped she was just as much of a brute as the man standing in front of her. And that fact made itself even more clear to her when she slit his throat without remorse of her own; almost enough to make her laugh, or maybe cry... like looking into the mirror and finally being able to see the foul beast hiding beneath her mask. What if everyone saw her like that, too?

• The mirror shows what she's too afraid to see — she can't bear to look at the reflection any longer. All her years of wandering the world alone have accumulated to nothing. She spent so long crafting the perfect mask and painting it in bright beauty that whenever she tries to look at what's underneath, she can barely bring herself to. To believe she will be more is foolish. The current laughter and camaraderie will bleed into farewells and betrayals. 

• She is afraid. She's so afraid. No matter what pitch she sings, it will never be enough. The more she cares for the shepherds, the more terrified she becomes and the more she begins to distance herself. The fiercer and softer she grows to love the more afraid she becomes of driving them away now that the cracks in her mask start to appear and the light on her stage wavers. 

She is no hero. 

She is no light.

She's nothing but a mere charlatan full of anger, grief, and so much hate that it drips from her mouth like venom, and she becomes afraid to speak in fear of poisoning everyone around her. When she looks in the mirror, all she can see is a scarred, horrifying creature, a visage of disappointment, not the beauty she's so desperate to portray. The light dims her masquerade is over, tears hit her trembling hands, and she wails.

"Look up at the stars in the sky. Do you hear them singing for you? Share your memories with those who will stay in your heart forever.”

The "wow, I can't believe you read that all of that" part of my spiel. 

If you've actually managed to get through all of that, thank you so much :). It's so sweet to know someone cared enough to read through my whole oc drabble. I have been playing through SHOH for around 3 years now, and only now am I confident enough to post both my art and writing without immediately feeling like I'm going to explode. I'm much better at writing an analysis than I am at telling lore through a story — at least that's what it feels like — so I struggled a little. (May do some seperate drabbles on her backstory after Vale and her dynamics with the other Shepherds sometime).

Anyway, I digress. Thank you, lots <3. 

Altair is a heavily flawed character, so full of emotions and symbolisms. She's so far away yet so nearby, and her feelings burst like an exploding star. She's changed so much over the years. Can you believe she used to be as shy and timid as Shery?— Though granted, that was before SHOH.  

She was so concerned with herself and shut everyone out until she couldn't anymore. Her feelings on the Shepherds were so mixed, and she was so uncertain about everything. She didn't consider herself to be worthy of living, so she created someone who she'd assume would be just that. Before, she didn't even know why she fought and bothered to even survive; why she was willing to go so far, just to hurt herself and others along the way? Anger, defiance, her own stubborn heart. She needs to atone for the home she eradicated, even if it hurts to live – even if she doesn't want to live. 

She's similar to a sheltered noble in that regard, so lost in the pretty castle she's made for herself that she can no longer discern the path between truth and false; so disillusioned by her own fantasy so she subsequently began to think of herself as something much greater compared to what she actually is. She doesn't enjoy being around the more perceptive members of the Order — she does not want them to see her for who she really is.

Over the course of the game, she gradually tries to come to terms with her flaws. Her view of herself begins to gentle and she becomes more open to expressing her 'true self' to her close companions instead of hiding behind her veneer of sweet smiles and perfectly thought out words. She's still hesitant to even frown in front of the recruits but slowly grows more of a true backbone. She no longer wants to think of the world as an audience she has to entertain but rather as an audience she can sit alongside with and watch a world coated in light. She wants to see a future where she could be happy. 

Altair's journey is so long. Her heavily flawed character requires a lot of slow and patient change before she can even begin to think about new beginnings and a future where she isn't miserable any longer. She has no trust in herself, and it wouldn't surprise me if most of the other Shepherds desperately wanted to throttle her – I wouldn't blame them. She conflicts with the Order despite desperately trying to avoid just that. She has a massive case of Impostor Syndrome when it comes to just everything about her; she barely feels like a person at all and the least like a Hero. 

But she will change and grow and love and learn. And I'm so excited to see it in the future. :)

– A little fun fact of trivia is that Altair actually has Anisocoria which means she has an unequal pupil dilation!— her right pupil is much bigger than her left and she can't see out of her left eye as clearly as she can out of right so in turn she has trouble with her depth-perception at times. She's not that concerned with it herself, though, since she's had it since she was still a child. (I know the ‘real world’ medical terms aren't a thing in Blest, but I wouldn't know how else to explain it).

The world of SHOH has inspired me greatly over the years; both to work on my personal pet project of what I can barely call a 'fantasy world' and exploring character writing — I love the SHOH cast so much. It has stuck with me, and I always revisit it every couple of months. No matter how much I read it, I can't seem to get sick of it. 

This was supposed to be a short post where I just went over the classic 'hobbies' and 'likes' but I inevitably ended up doing a character study instead – this post is nowhere near short after all; but my ask box is always open for anyone curious about either more 'mundane' facts or otherwise! 

That's all. Thank you for sitting through this and reading this far — you are very patient. SHOH is a breathtaking piece of fiction writing, and the characters are truly alive within its bounds. I'm glad Altair has her own special place within its seams. 

Thank you for @shepherds-of-haven the template. I always enjoy wandering through Blest with Altair and exploring it with her ever-changing flawed little self. I can not wait to see how the rest of the journey will unfold. 

Have a good rest of your day. Play SHOH if you never have, you won't regret it. Trust. (and remember my ask box)!

[defiledtomb]

There's a story about a healer MC and Leith on my Patreon now, a concept slice of something I hope to develop while I get my bearings together after leaving my partner in the middle of the night, and find an apartment before it gets too cold to live in the vacation house I'm in right now. Once I have the funds to move, I will also get my stationary PC back, which means I can get back to finalizing ouroboros book 1!

If you want, you can join any paid tier to access the story, and watch the story unfold each week, see where I take it. If you join the $10 tier, there's a backlog of ouro smut to read too! >:3

Thank you to anyone who helps me through this tough time, through Kofi or Patreon or by just being here. You're in my heart locket forever.

[invinciblevalentine]

atp i would snort reeve tuesti fic like cocaine.

if anyone knows any fics that put reeve through the blender like “Son” by She_sees_in_the_dark or “Through Another’s Eyes” by CorsairOriginal—

i need to see that man under enough pressure to make a diamond crack. For my health.

[paesagex]

AU idea: "Deepest empathy"

Tenko gets his chance at becoming a hero, but not the kind you’d expect.

I guess this would happen if Afo haf been killed while Nao was pregnant. *This was born out of the fact that I hated that Tenko’s original Quirk was float, because come on, give that poor child some personality that doesn’t involve Nana. And being all pure and perfect. Gross. Also, in case it doesn’t become obvious, I’m a sucker for the interpretation of the Shimura household being a microcosm of Hero Academia society.

Enjoy!

Tenko Shimura is a middle school kid who wants to be a hero, like many others. He is fifteen years old, and is soon to be enrolled in highschool. He wishes to go to UA, the top hero school of the country.

However, odds are against him. Not only does his father, Koutaro, hate heroes with a passion, but Tenko’s quirk seems to be absolutely unsuitable for his dream.

Tenko inherited a weaker version of his mother’s and grandparents’ Quirk, “deepest empathy”. While it allows the older carriers to not only be perceptive of a person’s suffering, but also to be a soothing presence, Tenko’s Quirk is exclusively passive. He can perceive, but not influence. The Quirk allows him to tell when a person is feeling certain things, but more often than not it is just a muddy vision, as emotions have a tendency to be complicated and nuanced. His “vision” improves if he spends a lot of time with the person whose feelings he’s perceiving.

So his Quirk is especially weak, unreliable and not suited for hero work, not in fighting nor saving. At five, he was still believed to be quirkless, until finally he’s taken to a specialist who runs a DNA test. Turns out, as we said before, that his quirk is just weak, so weak that the moment it manifested itself first went unnoticed.

Tenko has a large family. An older sister, Hana, who inherited “float”, their father’s Quirk, then there’s his mother and grandparents who live with them in a big, fancy house.

The Shimuras are rich, Koutaro is one of the founders of a company focused on the construction business, and this house is amongst their commissions.

Koutaro is a strict man, who got everything he owns with nobody’s help. As a child, he was abandoned by his mother, Nana Shimura, an almost unknown Hero who left to fight a mysterious Villain, just to never come back. From there on, Koutaro had been on his own, fighting to build himself the normal life his mother, for no specified reason, decided to deny him. And he managed. He now has a home, a loving family, and financial security. He’s safe.

Tenko and his father do not get along. Koutaro hates heroes, and of course doesn’t want his children to have anything to do with them. In that house, Koutaro’s main rule amongst many, “No Heroes”, dominated. Every time a hero appeared on the news, the channel was changed. No cartoons with heroes involved allowed. No toys, no cards, no clothes, nothing that involved heroes or would have profited to a stupid hero-merchandise company could enter that household.

As small children, both Tenko and Hana wanted to be heroes (like all children in this world, after all). Hana is older and was able to adapt, lying to her parents about her true inspirations and pretending to be the perfect child. Tenko, other than being younger, is more direct by nature. Unable to hide anything that he’s feeling, he’s an open book, and his struggle to hide his wish to be a Hero and help others puts him in trouble with his father often.

Koutaro is very strict with his rules, and punishes Tenko by throwing him into the backyard for hours at a time, sometimes without eating and until it is dark.

Tenko develops a mysterious rash around his eyes. The adults think it is an allergy, not understanding that the fact that the rash itches only at home is a sign of psychosomatic stress.

Tenko loves his family very much. He just wishes they took his side, for once.

One day, Hana, sneaking into her father’s study, found a picture of her grandma Nana in hero costume, and, ecstatic to have a hero in the family, tells Tenko. But Koutaro finds out about the picture, and triggered, furious, demands to know who dared to sneak into his study. Hana, scared, blames Tenko.

This is the one time Koutaro’s strictness arises to violence, where he slaps Tenko twice, hard enough to knock the five year old to the ground, while the rest of the family watches, unable to take a side.

To Tenko, this event is traumatic. From that day on, the faces of the rest of his family standing there and watching as his father hurts him will haunt him, and stay an unspoken resentment forever.

He promised himself he will never become like them. He’ll never ignore a person in need of help.

The other adults of the family confront Koutaro and make him promise to never hit the children again. But they keep following the rules, and they keep making sure the children respect their father’s will. It’s best for everyone this way.

Hana apologizes, but Tenko doesn’t speak to her for days.

He only forgives her when Hana, knowing by now the stakes, takes a risk. She goes into a second-hand shop and buys in secret a tiny All Might keychain with her savings, which then she gifts to Tenko with her name written on it. “This way, if dad finds out, he won’t hurt you!” She says. Tenko still keeps it, ruined and with the name all smudged. It is an irreplaceable treasure.

Back to the present. The story starts with the day Tenko’s perspective was changed forever, and he was forced to reflect on what his dream entails.

He’s going back home from school after he hung out with his friends. Tenko is pretty closed off, he doesn’t like most of the kids in his school. It is a prestigious middle school, and he finds the competitive and snobbish environment obnoxious. To his father’s displeasure, he’s not interested in making contacts, and mostly just hangs out with other outcasts with weird, or weak quirks, the ones who are usually left out. Both from his school and others. His quirk is very useful to find people like that, and Tenko uses it often.

Hana is the popular sibling. He's going to the same school she went to, and comparison between the two siblings comes in often. Hana was and still is popular and smart, while Tenko is often considered too blunt and brooding. He doesn’t know it, but he has his own charm with outcasts.

As he’s walking towards the metro, he’s caught in a Villain fight. Heroes are fighting, and a crowd gathers to watch in awe, as it often happens.

Tenko can’t believe he’s got the chance to watch this, he’d never be allowed with another member of his family that isn’t his sister around. And she’d still be uncomfortable.

However, this is where things change, because Tenko’s quirk senses something weird. The heroes keep screaming to the villain about justice and how they’ll stop him from terrorizing the city. Weirdly, though, none of the civilians around are scared. The area is surrounded by heroes who cooperate and are focused, and soon will overpower the Villain.

The villain, who has been caught going on a rampage using his quirk, is the only scared person around. And he’s terrified to death.

The man is a heteromorph and has a size enhancing Quirk, his eyes wide and crazed.

Tenko suddenly isn’t so happy anymore. The Villain is eventually captured, and Tenko watches him being taken away, the guy’s face expressionless, stunned by the amount of hits.

He thinks that the Villain looks like the loneliest person in the world.

Tenko goes home quietly not long after that, deep in thought. He had never seen a villain fight before, despite there being plenty of crazy fanboys on the internet that signal them like shows to watch.

He comes home too late, and misses dinner. His father is expecting him to talk. In his study.

Tenko’s and Koutaro’s relationship has just kept going downhill, and Tenko’s rash is still visible around his eyes, and, recently, his neck. To Tenko, Koutaro’s presence is like a dark cloud that poisons the house. Despite having everything he ever wanted, Koutaro isn’t happy. His abandonment issues never healed, and the rest of the family treat those negative feelings like they’re a bomb they must not disturb in any way.

There are four people with empathy Quirks in the house who perceive this dysfunction, and three of them are convinced that it’s best to pretend it’s not there. Not Tenko though.

Tenko is stubborn and wouldn’t be able to hide any of his emotions even if he wanted to. So he fights with Koutaro often.

Koutaro loves Tenko, like all parents do, but there are moments where he can’t help his wounds take the best of him. Therefore he ends up treating Tenko like a scapegoat to his unhappiness, as if his rebellious behavior was a cog not working in what would otherwise be a perfectly realized dream. A perfect family.

Koutaro wants to know who Tenko was with today, and why he’s late. Tenko tells him he was with his usual friends. Koutaro wants to know if he was hanging out with a homeless man Tenko knows, whom he doesn’t like. Tenko, still confused from what he saw today and having no desire to tell lies his father would definitely see through anyway, deviates the questions by asking him why he cares.

“Tenko, you know I don’t like him.”

“Yeah, well, he’s my friend, so I’m the one who’s supposed to like him.”

“Stop joking around Tenko, you know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t father, what is the problem?”

“Quit the sarcasm. You shouldn’t hang out with certain people, he’s a grown man. God knows how he ended up there.”

“Jin is not going to hurt me.”

“You can’t know that!”

“Father, for real, I wasn’t even with him today, I don’t get what’s the big deal-”

Koutaro hits his hand against his desk, and Tenko jumps. “Because I care about you, and I care about the image you give of yourself, and of this family! Think, for once, of someone else that isn’t you, Tenko! What if he hurt you, did you think of how scared we’d be? And what if he commits some crime, and that affects your image? Or your sister’s? Have you thought about that? Your sister is going to be applying for university soon, she can’t have a single smudge on her record, and neither can you. You can’t ruin your future out of a stupid decision. You can’t go out with certain people, I forbid it.”

“But-”

“No but. Your family should always come first, Tenko. Always. Quit playing hero and grow up for once.”

They keep fighting, eventually Tenko snaps and tells him that his friend’s “bad influence” isn’t the reason he’s late, it’s because he stopped to watch a Hero fight. “There, you happy now?!”

Koutaro, furious, but cold, orders Tenko to go out. Tenko storms out and leaves, knowing fully well what those words mean. He passes through the living room, where the rest of the family watches him with resignation and sorry looks, his mother smiling encouragingly. Tenko exits in the backyard, their old dog, Mon, following him with habit, and slams the sliding door shut into the dark night, stomach still empty.

He sits on the porch, his back to the glass door. He can hear the evening progressing, the rest of the family watching TV, Koutaro joining them and chatting quietly, Hana’s chirp comments, his mother’s and grandparents’ gentle voices.

Mon’s head on his lap, he caresses the old dog’s fur absently, scratching his neck with his other hand. “Always stuck here, uh, Mon? I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Tenko can, more or less, perceive animals’ feelings, even though in their case it is more like a vibe. Despite being weaker, it is a much cleaner feeling to perceive, and the dog’s serene vibes console Tenko’s frustrated heart.

Eventually, the rest of the family heads to bed. He can hear his mother asking quietly if she can let him in, but he hears his father refusing. He messed up big by telling him about the hero fight. Likely, as it had started to happen more often lately, Koutaro himself will come downstairs later in the night to allow his son in.

The night comes down, and Tenko warms his hands on Mon’s fluffy fur.

Eventually, he hears a soft thump, and he turns to see his older sister, now almost eighteen, landing elegantly from a jump out her bedroom window thanks to the help of “float”, carrying a sandwich and with a consoling smile on her face. Her long black hair is loose, shining to the moonlight.

“My god Tenko, you really suck at keeping secrets.”

“Shut up Hana.”

“Yeah yeah, eat, you must be starving. You should be grateful, I snatched this as soon as you two started shouting.”

Tenko eats ravenously, and Hana asks him about that fight he apparently saw.

Tenko suddenly looks thoughtful again, remembering the bad feeling he felt coming from the Villain. Where was he now? Likely in a prison, waiting to be convicted.

He shares his doubts with his sister, but she looks unimpressed.

“Tenko, of course that guy was scared, don’t think too much about it! You don’t know what he did, you should be happy they got him.” Hana pulls out a pack of cigarettes from her jeans pocket, another thing carefully hidden from everyone in the house but Tenko, and asks: “Was it a cool fight? What heroes have you seen?”

Hana looks enthusiastic as Tenko shares the details. By now, she had already given up her old dream, having decided to respect her father’s wishes and go to a normal, prestigious highschool. However, she still liked heroes. She was just good at hiding it.

“Look, Tenko, I found another one in the school library!” She pulls out her phone, and shows him a picture of an old newspaper. On it is a small article next to a picture, a beautiful, dark haired woman smiling radiantly in it, hero costume worn proudly. “When I found it I couldn’t believe it! Our grandma seemed to avoid the TV and the internet at all costs, but there are still some papers about her by the time of her debut!”

Tenko looks at the picture. Nana Shimura was still like an idol to Hana, while Tenko can’t help but tie her face to the memory of their father beating him, a long time ago. He still remembers Koutaro’s feelings in that moment. So confused, so many, and so… threatening.

However, he smiles at Hana. He can tell she’s sincerely happy to be discovering things about her. The woman was incredibly secretive for being a hero. She was older than All might though, from an era before heroes turned into celebrities. He looks at her cigarette.

“When will you let me try?”

“When you grow out of your diapers.”

“As if you weren’t younger than me when you started!”

“I was younger and smarter.”

“Hey!”

“Come on, Tenko, you know you can’t hide a thing. You’re too honest.”

“I’m not!”

“You are, and it’s not a bad thing. You’re…”

Hana looks at a loss of words for a moment. “What you did with dad earlier was stupid but… I must admit that you got some crazy guts.”

(Hana found out the day of the picture that she’s not as selfless as she’d like. She’s convinced herself that she’s better at lying than being herself in front of others, and so keeps preserving her image of perfection in front of her family and at school. However, she vowed the day she bought that keychain for Tenko, she promised herself that she’d protect him, at least, at all costs. His will, his impulsiveness. His honesty.)

She ruffles his hair. “Stay my stupid brave little brother forever, okay?”

Tenko pouts. Then asks “So you’ll never tell mom and dad that you smoke?”

“No way, not even when I’m older.” She smiles at him.

They hear steps from the stairs. Hana quickly gets up and flies up to her window, and Tenko is finally let in at 1 am in the morning.

He gets to bed still fully dressed, too tired to change. He stares at the ceiling for a while, until he pulls out something from under his mattress. A UA flyer bent and wrinkled from being hidden all the time and so often.

He looks at it absently.

“I want to be a hero who never looks away at someone’s pain…” He thinks to himself. The image of the Villain from today, his crazed, desperate eyes as he ran and used his quirk to hit and destroy anything he could, like a savage animal, and that terror as the heroes attacked him, came to mind.

“...But what does that mean?”

Tenko wakes up on Saturday feeling like shit, still dressed. It is way too early, the sun has just started to rise.

Slowly, he gets up, changes quietly, and gets out of the house.

He needs to clear his head, he barely slept thinking about what he saw yesterday. From the nice neighbourhood he lives in, he takes the less polished streets, until he reaches a small park filled with homeless people, looking for Jin.

Jin (Twice, even though Tenko doesn’t know that. He has no idea Jin is a Villain.) is there, warming up to the morning’s chill close to a firepit, his clones all around, busy putting away a tent.

When Jin sees him, he smiles welcomingly.

“Aren’t brats supposed to be home at this hour?”

“Welcome!” “Go away!”

As usual, the clones always give different opinions than the original Jin. Tenko is welcomed to sit next to the firepit.

“Are you guys leaving?”

“Yeah, we weren’t planning on staying long anyway. It was nice though, you’re good company.”

“Wasn’t I a brat just a moment ago?”

“Hah! Of course you are, but my standards for conversation are pretty low, I don’t know if you understand.” He says, pointing at his very annoyed copies. Jin’s copies were so weird to Tenko, somehow their auras all felt like Jin’s, yet they all had their own individual perspectives and reactions.

“However, what brings you here? I thought your old man didn’t like me. Did he throw you out the whole night?”

“Not yet. Where are you going next?”

“A man ought to have his secrets, kid.”

“Fine. I’ll miss you.”

“You knew me for about a month.”

“Yeah, and it was a nice month.”

Jin is quiet after that, busy eating from a can with a spoon. His expression is serious.

“Listen kid, you’re going to high school next year, right?”

“Yup. Why?”

“Any plans in particular?”

“... I was thinking about trying with UA.”

Jin rolls his eyes. “Of course you are. Kids are all the same.”

“Why do you ask?”

“...Shimura, why do you want to be a hero?”

“Huh?”

“Doesn’t that father of yours hate their guts?”

Tenko is quiet for a while. “...I don’t know. I just… I just really hate when people suffer and nobody does anything, you know? I wish I could make someone feel like their suffering matters.”

“...”

“...You know, I saw my first Villain yesterday.”

At that, Jin raises his eyes, eyebrows high. He gives Tenko a sardonic smile. “Really? Was it what you expected?”

“...No. It was so weird, you know? Everyone was staring like they were in a movie theater, cheering and all, it didn’t feel like there was any real danger. The heroes arrived so fast, guy was surrounded in a moment. I felt sad, he looked so… overpowered. Like he had no hope to begin with.”

Jin has an uncharacteristically serious expression. Suddenly, he speaks again. “In this world, only the righteous and well meaning have a right to be saved. You’re a good kid. I don’t know what your father’s deal is, also because he kind of sounds like an asshole, but I think he’s right. Trust me, with a dream like that, you’re no good in a hero school.”

“Why would you say that? You don’t think I could make it?”

“I don’t know if you could, but I know you won’t fulfill your wish that way.”

“...”

Jin laughs. “Look at me, talking all serious as if thinking was my strong suit! Eheh…”

“Do you think I’m being a hypocrite?” Tenko suddenly asks.

“Huh?”

“Do you think it’s hypocritical of me to want to be a hero if it’d make my dad suffer?”

“How would I know? Ask your mom.” He gets up. “Well. We ought to go. Glad I saw you one last time, kid. Now go home, wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”

Not knowing what to do, he does go to his mother. He doesn’t exactly tell her that his view of heroes is starting to change and he’s not sure he knows what his childhood dream entails anymore. But she gets him, more or less. She’s an empath too, she doesn’t need to know everything to know he’s struggling. Just being with her (he offers to help with chores to have an excuse to talk to her), comforts him. Not just because of her Quirk.

She, of course, thinks the problem is yesterday’s fight with Koutarou. So she kindly tells her son that maybe seeing things from another perspective may help get a better grasp at his own.

Tenko knows what she means, and scoffs. “He never tries to look at mine, why should I be the one who does?”

His mother ruffles his hair and smiles kindly.

“Your father loves you more than anything, Tenko. You’re more alike than you think. You didn’t inherit that stubborn head of yours from me!”

“Tenko, what I’m trying to say is not that you’ll change your mind… just that things might appear a little clearer if you give your father a chance.”

“Mh”

Nao gives his grumbling son a kiss on the head.

Tenko thinks about this. And when the school term finishes, he decides.

He’s going to try to challenge his views on Heroes by knowing his father better. So he accepts an internship at the family company for the summer (Koutaro’s been trying to convince him to come for years). Koutaro is happy that Tenko finally accepted his guidance.

The weeks of summer pass. Koutaro and Tenko end up spending pretty much every day together. Koutaro is not much of a chatterbox, but neither is Tenko, really. They spend their lunch breaks together. Koutaro hands Tenko the newspaper pages he’s done with while they eat.

For once, Koutaro is proud of him. Tenko can feel it irradiating from him. It’s nice. This is the calmest, most peaceful period of the Shimura household.

Spending so much time with Koutaro, Tenko does, in the end, develop a new understanding for his father. Tenko’s Quirk works so that the more he knows a person, the better he can read their feelings. Slowly, the ball of poison in his father’s heart starts to unravel, and Tenko understands the depth of his father’s fear of being alone. Tenko gets that. Yeah, it sucks when you feel like you’re alone. Father must have suffered so much when his mom abandoned him.

When he indulges in Hana’s recounting of her secret research on their grandma in her room, he’s left with a bad taste in his mouth.

He gains a new appreciation for his family, and by working with him at the company also of the sacrifices Koutaro made for them.

The itch though won’t go away. It burns back any time he feels like talking to his father about his dream, how it’s changing, about his thoughts, about how annoying and snobbish the sons of his colleagues are, every time he feels like he can’t explain to him why he likes his own friends better. Any time he feels like telling him the truth, but knows this peace they achieved doesn’t feel safe enough to do so.

Deep down, he doesn’t want to ruin this.

At night, Tenko keeps doing secret research on the system. He finds out that it pretty much self feeds the conflict between heroes and villains without really investing in preventing crime, or rehabilitation. Once you’re a Villain, you’re a Villain forever, and many just go back to do crime once their sentence is finished. Not that social stigma gave them much choice. He investigates propaganda and its mechanics, on the HPSC. He starts to gather all the articles he can find on Villains.

Koutaro eventually finds his material, UA flyer included, and accuses him of lying to him. Of “betrayal” if you will.

“I thought you were finally listening, I thought I finally got you to understand, and yet here you are-“

Tenko comes back home to find, horrified, all his stuff waiting for him on the dining room table, his father furious. The rest of the family has faces that vary from resignation to compassion for Tenko, to a little bit of fear.

“I am understanding dad, I really am- I know you suffered. I want to make you justice. I’m seeing you. Please, please, you have to trust me!”

Tenko decides he might as well come clean. He’s not lying. Maybe he can make him understand. He took the first step after all, right? He’s desperate to be understood.

“Let me be a hero. I’ll be better than them. I’ll make it better. I promise.”

Despite his newfound distaste for the system, Tenko still hasn’t given up on the world. He’s seen it, with his friends at school, sometimes all it takes is giving people a space where they can be themselves. Where they feel seen for who they are. He knows it now.

That’s the kind of Hero he wants to be.

For everyone. For his father too.

Koutaro doesn’t accept this, the fight escalates.

Koutaro eventually loses control and slaps Tenko again. Hard.

The kid hits his face against the edge of a table and his lip breaks, bleeding profusely. (like the scar he has in canon). It falls on his chin, stains his shirt and hands.

They are both stunned, and everything is silent.

Everyone in the house is watching.

The whole of the family, Hana included, is petrified by surprise and terror.

To Tenko’s Quirk, everything feels so confused, so overwhelming. His heart is like a lump in his chest, heavy and filled with everyone’s fear. His father’s anger. His own.

His own resentment. Nothing changed. Hana’s looking at him from the other side of the room, petrified, in tears. So do the others. His mom looks so sorry.

Tenko has had it.

He snaps. And it all finally comes in the open. Fuck compassion, fuck understanding, fuck living under rules that protect everyone but him.

He yells at Koutaro he’s nothing but a selfish man who pretends to be doing everything for them, when in reality all he does is protect himself. He says he wants what’s best for them, he wants them happy, well guess what, we’re all miserable, “and it’s your fault!”

Tenko turns to the rest of the family. They are silent. He turns back to his father, who’s speechless.

Koutaro breaks the silence, and tells him that if he doesn’t like his rules he’s free to go.

How funny. Like Tenko didn’t know that that would be the worst thing he could do to Koutaro.

Abandon him.

The rest of the family is still quiet. The lump in Tenko’s heart is growing heavier.

“Then I’ll go.”

And he starts walking.

As he’s about to cross the door, Koutaro seems to realize that he’s serious, and suddenly grabs him by the shoulder. It is a strong grip, and Tenko suddenly feels with his Quirk a deep, childish desperation that the man behind him refuses to voice. Coming straight from that poisonous stain in his heart.

He can’t stand being under that tempest anymore. He can’t stand having to bear its weight anymore.

He turns, and fully knowing what he’s doing, tells him that he hates him, and that he’d gladly be anywhere else than under the same roof as him.

Koutaro is deeply hurt and angry, so is Tenko. He’s let go and told not to come back.

The rest of the family finally acts and tries to stop them, but Tenko is already out. And doesn’t turn around.

From here on, Tenko is by himself on the streets. A school dropout, struggling to survive, feeling useless. He couldn’t save anyone. He was nothing but a hypocrite.

he had used his quirk to hurt someone, his own father. In his most vulnerable spot, nonetheless. He has hurt everyone. He won’t dare show his face back again.

It was him. It was always him.

The broken cog, his father was right. He’s the cause of all trouble. He was selfish and stupid.

How could he think himself so special he’d be the Hero who never ignores someone else’s pain, he couldn’t even respect his own father’s.

He won’t go back.

(Despite blaming himself, he still really wishes the rest of the family would have helped.)

*Of course his family is crushed, they try to get him back, they call the police and everything. Eventually they hear from Tenko who communicates to them that he has no intention of coming back. And that he’s sorry.

But if they won’t help him, then he has to find his own way. (He doesn’t tell them that he secretly feels they’d be better off without him. After all, the period of time where he stopped being himself was when the house’s aura was calmer. His itch was his own, always had been.)

During his years alone in the streets, he lets go of the ideal of the lone, inspiring hero he’s been taught in school.

He takes a good look at himself. At all the privileges he always had, safety, people who would protect him, status, and fully learns what life is like without these things. How hard it is to get support outside of family and connections.

A long time passes.

He slowly builds something for himself. He knows many villains and outcasts in his time as homeless, he makes friends who help him out.

He finds work in an illegal bar, gains enough money to manage to join a programming course. He gets his hands dirty, sometimes has to do things he’s not proud of to survive.

In his twenties, he gets back in contact with Hana, his mom and grandparents, but with his father things are still complicated. Koutaro won’t forgive him for leaving. Tenko isn’t proud of the intentions he did so either, but refuses to be the one who takes the first step again.

Maturing, he’s learned that having access to people’s most intimate feelings means nothing, in the end. It’s people’s trust, their desire to share with you, and the fact that people are willing to listen, that really shows change. That really helps. And to do that, people must feel like they’re all on the same level. Like they are respected and acknowledged. Like what they feel and say matters to the one they’re speaking with.

But that takes time. It can’t be done on the battlefield.

He has many contacts in the underworld, and works as a freelance journalist to share stories of isolation, discrimination, poverty that lead to villainy. He also takes programming commissions and such. Sometimes streams, cuz why not. It all helps gaining influence.

So he becomes the kind of hero he wants to be: not a fighter, not a saviour, just the kind of guy who speaks when he sees bullshit, who’s always there for you even at your lowest point, who won’t judge and will offer you company without invasive questions.

He’s not pure, his actions (the people he doesn’t report, or sometimes even hides) are not fully lawful, or absolutely right. But his work is meaningful, even if it means being hated by the public.

He’s starting to gain people’s attention due to his disrespectful attitude and characteristic dry sarcasm.

“Where there’s a rash, let them scratch”

[whump-in-the-closet]

Savior Universe

Worldbuilding that I'm too lazy to include in the storyline without an insane amount of exposition.

Savior Agency is based in a dystopian setting, somewhat current, somewhat near future; in a society similar to ours but with centralized power. 

This hero agency acts as an extension of the government, superseding law enforcement but not quite military 

Abilities are something dormant in every person but are only “unlocked” under severe stress/ pain. This isn’t publicized– emphasis is placed on keeping the creation of heroes a very tight secret, keeping the active number of heroes in each city manageable. 

It’s very rare to discover someone with traditional superhero abilities (i.e. invisibility, super strength, super speed) and much more common to have an ability that’s less stable/ less useful in combat (i.e. a polyglot who unlocks an ability to speak a language as soon as they hear it, someone who’s emotions draw plants to them, without really controlling them). 

Those with more typical superhero abilities tend to go very far in Savior, saving the city from dissenters and protecting average citizens from crime in very public stunts. Every hero has a purpose under the all-seeing eye of Savior. 

The law states these heroes have signed up voluntarily, and their compensation is in their newfound abilities. The contract doesn’t specify the amount of time they have to work for Savior. Although articles are published about normal people with superhero abilities, no one has encountered them outside the Agency.

Sometimes, ridiculously rich people or corporations acquire heroes as personal bodyguards and go against the law to achieve their personnel, paying Savior off under the table for their training. 

It’s not uncommon for dissenters or protestors against Savior to go missing and be coerced into signing on. Nor is it impossible for someone to have their enemies “recruited” by Savior. 

Training involves a whole lot of torture, mostly psychological, drugs, isolation, and beatings. Heroes who vocally resist their training are “muted”-- vocal cords are removed or severely damaged. 

Before heroes have unlocked their abilities, but after they’ve joined Savior, they will be under the instruction of a Mentor, whose purpose is to “break” the recruit down until they reach the lowest possible point where they can then unlock their abilities and continue onto training. 

Often, a Mentor is someone with powerful abilities who can withstand any attacks from the new hero lashing out at them with their discovered abilities, and then punish them for doing so. 

Training facilities are described as grey or beige, with “white rooms” for isolating training heroes. 

A typical uniform for a hero involves a blue hero suit and mask. A typical trainee uniform is a blue shirt and shorts. 

Outside of Savior, there are a few dissenters who help runaway heroes/rescued trainees. The movement itself doesn’t have a name as secrecy is key. Raids are common and feared. All involved in helping a runaway hero usually end up inside a training facility, outside of the law. 

[sam-montembeault]

Hey so I did actually make a little primer for any of you interested in learning about hockey :) It covers the basic rules and pretty much goes in order of the bare minimum you'd need to know to understand what's going on. It does not include propaganda for convincing you to watch hockey. There's a final section I'll keep expanding on that's just personal enjoyment, and maybe I'll put propaganda there, but the actual meat focused on explaining how to watch the game is all completed and hopefully actually useful :)!

[wildsaltair]

today’s topic for discussion: what on earth did Maximus’ soldiers think when they found out he was “dead”? like, their beloved general who fights like a god and is adored by everyone is just… deceased? kicked the bucket? gone on to a better place?

and what did Quintus even tell them to make it believable?? that Maximus died in his sleep of the same “natural causes” Marcus Aurelius died of??? he had an accident with his sword???? he wandered into the forest and never came back?? like what could you possibly tell Maximus’ men that they would believe??

[lucksea]

my awful cat

[charliespringverse]

i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .

[wackywatchdotcom]

im about to go to bed for the night but after a rewatch im thinking abt smth again wrt episode 4 that i dont think abt TOO too often but like. it IS smth i still think abt a not small amnt

(warning that theres discussion of suicide n such!)

like the thing i talked about earlier, i dont see it in discussion much anymore but i DO still see remnants of it here nd there. the question of 'did gangle intentionally jump in front of the truck.' and like. from what ive seen debate died down eventually bc ppl moved on from that topic but i still have thoughts on that that i dont know if ive seen anyone else say?? it probably has been said but i just havent seen it myself BUT

i think this question is genuinely 100% irrelevant. i think 'did gangle do that on purpose' doesnt actually change anything. fwiw i dont think it was deliberate myself! but i truly think that it doesnt change ANYTHING about that scene if it was intentional or not, and thats because that scene is certainly literally happening in-series, but its MOSTLY there symbolically (for lack of a better word for it, im not sure if symbolically is quite right but its the closest i can think of). its there for the audience

that anyone in the audience questioned what she was doing is part of the point imo. because what the scene is evoking is VERY clear, not because thats what it is literally happening but because of the emotion that conveys. i dont fully know how to explain it but to me the scene isnt about what gangle is literally doing but its about conveying a sense of unsteady and almost unhealthy hope and despair and peace and recklessness. inuniverse she cant die. it doesnt matter in a literal sense. but the scene creates an image for the audience thats uncomfortable and harsh. it creates an image of gangles state in that moment thats stressful and concerning

like many people have written so many different analyses of the episode. i think its depicting many things if you look at it right. i dont think any one reading of the episode and gangles role in it is wholly correct because i think its vague on purpose, and i think the episode is MEANT to be open-ended and able to be interpretted many different ways. and building from that i dont think the ending is supposed to literally depict a suicide attempt but i think it IS meant to call that concept into mind, because it ties into most possible interpretations of the episode, but in different ways

theres also probably a case to be made about the idea that regardless of her intention the end result is the same. she did something reckless because she was doing incredibly poorly and nothing came of it but that moment brought her back to the despair she felt before she got the new mask. the intention doesnt change what it means for her character. the main context that scene matters in is in what it alludes to in the audience (and debatably how it ties into the different readings of the episode), and THATS the point. that people questioned it is because its calling to mind that concept on purpose, and thats the more important role that the scene serves imo rather than knowing exactly what gangle was trying to do

[halfbaked00q]

im too deep down the silly rabbit hole... all of these ppl in the comments on various old man daniel craig interviews like he's so rude! he's so grumpy! ugh he hates talking about Bond so much, so ungrateful! and Im here like don't worry mr craig I understand you ... you just have a rly dry British sense of humor.. and also you ARE kind of tired of ppl making everything about Bond when ur not even on the press junket for Bond...

like. u gotta understand. this is an old man who according to Jamie Lee Curtis is NOT on any socials. The man is an actor but he is not an Influencer. off stage/out of character he's gonna be himself he's not gonna try to be a Brand

[thisisnotkitty]

ENOUGH WITH THE SECURITYWAITER ANGST reblog with your answers

which one hogs the blanket? which side of the bed to they each sleep on? which one gets cold easily and which one holds their hands to warm them up? which one of them is a swimmer and which one can barely float? who proposes to who?

[megumi-fm]

.

[lycankeyy]

Me actually being interested in the art fight theme this year is forcing me to confront the fact that the ask blog is actually as overly stressful as I thought it would be even though I tried to convince myself I was overthinking it,

[tragiccomedyenthusiast]

yellow baldloon headcanons pretty please? or i guess just... canons since you made it

i've never actually put them into a list before i just think of her in situations .. ill try to lost a few. pre-pop centered

you know this one but ill say it anyway. like spongebob to me. childish and not the Brightest but also would be paying rent and bills and working a job. maybe even a smoko

golden waddle dee would be her kirby oc. self insert

sneezes glitter .. if she had organs they would be made of glitter. would go "ooo shiny!" before falling into a trap or wandering off. all that glitters etc. probably leaves it wherever they go

shes childish but she's not completely unaware. it can and will use it to her advantage if it wants to, but not maliciously. would just do it to mess with someone (green) or to get out of something for whatever reason

an affectionate type, would love hugs and hand holding and anything else with physical contact

would have a hard time understanding any romantic cues .. like a star, she is very dense

probably ate a crayon or any other inedible thing before .. a few times

adhd. projection

you know those lemon cakes. like that to me edit: plushies and blankets :thumbsup:

[obscurecrows]

If you had to boil yourself down to a quote, what would it be?

cheating By putting two, but i really couldn't decide between them. Basically it's a Combination of "i want to Create and make my creations feel human. or at Least feel. something."