#ignore this post if you disagree with me please i am not here to argue!

[violetgauze]

having such a bad time with d20 at the moment. got into misfits & magic, loved all the characters except dream who just annoys me but like she's fine when she's not interacting with evan, and then her and evan get together?? why?? and then i'm getting into fey & flowers, love the lords of the wing, my least favourite character is rue who just drives me up the wall and then there's a romance between rue and kp hobb?? why????? why?????? why do all of the romances involve the most irritating characters???? arghhhh

[zizz-asdf-re-r-o-u]

Headcanon time: Who might be on the aroace spectrum in a sex game?

I missed arospec week by... a few weeks lol. And hey look i'm making a Nukani headcanon post instead of a questionable theorizing analysis for once! If you have contributions for characters I don't have enough info on (especially Quincy), please add on!

Disclaimer: I'm aromantic but allosexual. For me, this means I experience sexual attraction, but not romantic attraction. In my local kink scene, I actually personally know several community members + friends who are asexual or aromantic or both, and some engage in sex while some don't. And lastly for demographic proof only, I'm in an unofficial discord server where some unspecified members are asexual, but they still play this porn game, so yes not everyone who plays this game are into romance or sex.

TLDR: someone can be asexual or aromantic or on the aroace spectrum and still have sex but that varies for everyone!

Now that that's out of the way, here are my headcanon times! None of this is true or ever will be true due to the marketing of a porn harem game, but I think it's fun to headcanon! Feel free to disagree cause I know how people reacted to that "Is Aster trans" reddit post.

Speaking of Aster. I think he's also aroacespec! In his SR room 5, we got text narration ONE time that he gushed or orgasmed or something with a vague hot rod behind Eiden's back. But we've never seen Aster naked nor involve his genitals with another body in the 5 H scenes we have with him. And unlike EVERY other character, he’s only described to have orgasmed once. He also constantly talks down on morvay’s sexual habits, and while it’s a running gag that’s played for laughs, isn’t it possible Aster actually thinks this way? But is still willing to engage in sexy times with Morvay because they're essence creatures so that's how you exchange essence, and they’re basically an old married couple & deep down they do care about each other. And remember what I said about aromantic or asexual people who still engage in kink or sex.

Next, Karu my beloved chew toy. At the time I wrote Garu/Karu analysis part 1, I thought both of them were firmly allosexual but also presented some evidence someone could use to argue Karu might be demi or aroace or something else. But the more I think about it, the more I think yeah, he might be. Or he’s just a tsundere. I swear I'm not delusional and am a logical canon-based theory fan. (Btw, according to google searching, it is possible for different alters to have different sexualities, so this does not apply to Garu).

Quincy- I have never watched a Quincy intimacy room (including his SR & R cards that I have unlocked) but my vibes based off all the other story content with him makes me think he might be in the umbrella, so Grey-ace, Demi, etc. From what I’ve heard other people say, Quincy has had a lover in the past but currently only has sex if Eiden begs for it. This might fit into the definition of people who don't really care for sex themselves, but is interested in it for their partner. If anyone has Quincy cards and has more information, please let me know!

Huey: ok so we have almost no information on him. But he didn’t have sex with his clan members. He was definitely not romantically invested in any of his clan members nor do I recall him having hints of being sexually or romantically invested in anyone else, which does not equate aromantic or asexual but its still possible. And that’s all I got. Anyone got additional input?

Eiden: ah our beloved Eiden. Let’s ignore that in meta, he’s supposed to be the audience self insert (even though he’s the least self insert type MC ever) and therefore he is not going to “prioritize” one ship over another.

Anyways, so I am 100% sure he’s not asexual. BUUUUT he has not expressed romantic lovey dovey attraction to his clan members. More significantly, he does not seem to pick up MULTIPLE clan members’ romantic hints towards him. Yes in Fateful Aegis, Eiden says “I love you too” back to Yakumo, but it’s prefaced with something like Your grandparents love you and I love you too-ish, which to me indicates found family love. Kuya has said the Chinese/Japanese equivalent of “I love you” (“the moon is bright/the moonlight is beautiful tonight”) and that totally went over Eiden’s head. Dante & Edmond are also intensely crushing on Eiden… but they’re tsunderes so it’s probably gonna take forever to get across. The other members are different types of dedicated but open relationships rather than traditionally romantic relationships (except for Rei, who’s still getting there). And I think this is a great thing! All these varying relationship styles that are given the same weight & importance & Eiden has such appreciation & care for all of them, despite not providing traditionally romantic affection back.

Aromantic people can still love their friends & family! We’re not heartless emotionless creatures. We just may not experience or be able to comprehend romantic attraction. And i don’t think that’s a defect nor a bad thing.* And I think it’s especially cool when we compare Eiden’s bad hookup habits in the real world with how he has multiple regular partners that truly value him and a new found family in Klein. If he was aromantic this whole time, it’s kind of a positive perspective, isn’t it? Some aromantic people do experience “squishes”, which is a term for when we feel emotional desire for a platonic relationship. Obviously none of Eiden’s relationships are truly platonic due to the sexual element, but they all lack the romantic element from Eiden’s side.

(Anyways, Eiden won’t ever “reciprocate” romantic love because it’s a harem game, but shhhhh. Also to anyone who says it’s an Asian game and the characters aren’t going to say “I love you”…. Well in their newest intimacy rooms, both Kuya and Yakumo literally just did. Heck one of Forest Night Kuya’s sprite dialogues repeats that!)

So yeah, I hope you enjoyed this pointless headcanons!

*Speaking from my personal experience, I’ve have several sexual partners over time, but I never had the desire to date them or be romantically invested in them. And a weirdly telltale sign, that Jaidenanimation pointed out quite nicely, is that when she listened to romance songs she was like “wait that’s what people experience when they’re in love???” I’ve read a TON of romance and have heard a TON of love songs, but I cannot relate to any one of them. I literally have not felt any of those feelings. And when I have sexual partners, the horniness is definitely the forefront compared to any “falling in love” feelings. I did have what I now realize were several “squishes” in high school/college. What squishes feel like to me, are like “I wanna be your friend & you’re really cool & I cherish you! Like a lot! And also I don’t mind if you fucked me!” which emotionally feels different from “I’m in love with you!!!” (Which yeah i still don’t know what “in love” feels like, and I’m fine with not knowing!).

[sag-dab-sar]

Sorry i blocked u i was very upset at the hatred(miso) of synchretism i see on here. i’m jewish i don’t need their or anyone elses opinion on Open vs Closed. i don’t think nonjews need their opinions either. though you are keen to summon them. as a sumerian polytheist i disagree that Lilith has no place to be deified up from her demonic origins. I believe Inanna may forgive her for shitting up in that tree. I agree that pseudohistorical declarations are laughable but i dont think theyre harmful in religious context. We don’t go after the exodus lie, and shouldnt! Why any modern mythologies about lilith? Fraudulent behavior! Recreating christian persecution in a way.

I love lilith and to me lilith is as free as the chill of the swift starkissed winds! Despite our differences I pray may Peace be upon you :3

I have no problems with you blocking me, please block people like me if we upset you. My unease was being blocked after someone asked an open ended accusatory question—which I now realize you didn't do. I didn't realize that you used the word misosyncretism, I have dyslexia and misunderstood and thought you were saying I was a misogynist so I am sorry for that misunderstanding and will erase those tags.

🔹Not Needing Opinions🔹

If you don't need anyone's opinion on whether or not something is closed don't reblog a post saying a particular thing is open. You are inviting dissenting opinions— whether its from Jews or non-Jews— when you reblog someone else's post with your own opinion. If you don't want to discuss open vs closed then simply ignore posts that say Lilith is closed, block people who say she is closed, do whatever, but don't engage if it makes you upset.

People are going to have opinions and, again, my opinion is that Lilith is closed based on numerous Jewish voices I have listened to. I recognize not every person in a group is going to agree with each other because no group is a monolith, but I do my best to listen to the voices of a paticular culture and come to a conclusion.

🔹My Opinion🔹

Yes, I am "very keen to summon" my own opinions because its my blog. If I reblog and add to a post I'm giving an opinion... thats kind of the point of blogging.

My conclusion is that non-Jews worship Lilith as a part of cultural Christianity, an ahistorical mythology they refuse to admit is modern, ignore all open entities that still fit the bill, and I see a lot of antisemitism among them. As well as a lot of Islamaphobia & Chrsitophobia. It is a form of cultural appropriation for their own comfort because they cannot be bothered to learn actual history.

My observation is that the majority of Lilith worshippers don't actually care about Lil-demons, they use the demons as a tool to try and validate their worship as something rooted in a non-Jewish historical tradition, when it is not. Lil demons are a convenient excuse. In reality they cling to her because they see her as a feminist icon who stood up the the Big Bad Misogynistic Abrahamic God™.

There is no need for non-Jews to worship a Jewish figure ahistorically when there are plenty of actual Ancient Near Eastern Goddesses who are open.

Thats my opinion. Its what I'm standing by.

🔹Pseudo-history🔹

Now again, I'm not going to try and argue from the Jewish side it is not my place. But I can and will argue from a Sumerian Polytheism and accuracy in history side.

Lilith is not a member of the Lil demons, she is not Ardat-Lilî even if there are some similarities. I show information about Lil-demons here and they are not Lilith. Syncretism is not the problem that was common in the Ancient Near East— Inana, Nanaya, Ištar, Šaušga— as one example. There may be some connection between Lilith and Ardat Lilî: mainly influencing the characterization of the Hebrew Lilith in the Book of Isaiah, but there is no evidence they are one in the same. There is no evidence they were ever considered one in the same by any ancient people or traditions. The issue isn't syncretism its pseudo-history.

They were not syncretic in history. Lil demons come from Mesopotamian tradition which spans the 4th millennium BCE to the 1st millennium BCE; while the Sumerian language continued as a liturgical language for quite some time the Sumerian Civilization ended circa 2000-1700 BCE. Aside from the extremely minor mention in Isiah 34:14, the story most Lilith worshippers base her on comes from a midrash written at some point during the 1st millennium CE. This is a significant time difference and people just seem to wipe away time differences as if they don't matter, or they simply can't wrap their head around them.

Pseudo-history absolutely can be harmful and I absolutely abhor pseudo history and always will. I literally have an entire tag, #letsdebunk , for it and its been apart of my blogging since I started in 2017.

"We don't go after the Exodus lie"

Plenty do, plenty of Jews debate the historicity of stories in Jewish literature including the Tanakh, as do many Christians when reading the 'Old Testament'. (Also I would call it a myth not a lie). But whether or not Exodus actually happened in history is very different than making things up and claiming that it was a real religion and real mythology people once believed. Saying "Exodus is a story in the Tanakh and Old Testament and it says [insert story]," is different than saying "Lilith was originally a Sumerian Goddess of love and war," when she wasn't.

You are comparing apple to oranges. The fake history around Lilith is more akin to saying something like "Exodus is a story about how an ancient Egyptian God punished Egyptians for there bad deeds and Jewish slaves escaped while their was chaos and then they found a tribe worshiping a God named YHWH and adopted the religion of that tribe" <- that is not the story of Exodus its abunch of made up bullshit. Made up bullshit is what I consider most modern neo-pagan/left hand path/witch claims about Lilith.

Pseudo-history is used to culturally appropriate many things not just Lilith. It has many problems:

It's used to make bigoted claims against Jews, such as "the Jews killed Jesus" which is historically factually wrong and one of the most damaging sources of antisemitism in history.

Bigotry against Christians, by claiming their only role in history is oppression and the silencing of any Christian voices including POC the world over. Like the dumb St Patrick pagan persecution story which is listed as a false meme by Snopes but shows up as a real belief among neo-pagans. This is also extremely dangerous towards African Diaspora Religions that are syncretized with Christianity, as just one example of how Christophobia is dangerous.

Bigotry against Muslims, by claiming they have solely been a patriarchal oppressor that made no advancements to humanity and only offer "violent jihadism." Which is false and ignores actual Islamic history because real history is very inconvenient for the narrative

Its used to validate bullshit like the Burning Times, blood based witchcraft lineage, and a false sense of persecution among modern neo-pagans. A completely toxic belief.

Its used by feminists who claim a unsubstantiated matriarchal pre-historic religion destroyed by evil patriarchy. They use it to deny anyone who isn't a cis-woman from Goddess worship, witchcraft, and other neo-pagan traditions and claim transwomen and transfemmes are just another iteration of the evil patriarchy trying to taint there ancient Goddess faith. A faith that never existed. Pseudo-history as a tool of transphobia.

Its used by Wiccans and neo-pagans to ignore real Irish history. And add things like Ostara a made up holiday based on the Goddess "Ēsotre" of dubious historicity according to medieval historian Bede & Mabon's fabrication by Aiden Kelly based on the name of a Welsh folk hero.

Its used to fabricate stories about deities that may or may not be real, like Ēsotre mentioned above, and then connect her to the holiday of Easter, and then make a huge leap and connect that to real historical deities like Ištar. Which is also used as a false sense of persecution among neo-pagans.

It can be a weapon for racial/ethnic supremacists. For example, the idea that Hellenic Polytheism was a national religion unique to the Hellenes is pseudo-history used by the boarding on ethnic supremacist YSEE organization.

Not to mention all the horrific pseudo-history of the extremely antisemitic Satanism group that I won't name. That constantly claims Lucifer is a Sumerian God or whatever and spams the inboxes of neo-pagans/witches/polytheists.

Its used by new agers to validate their appropriation of traditions from Dharmic religions for their own inaccurate purposes.

Its used to support, often very racist, "ancient alien" claims.

I could keep going and going and going with fake history touted among neo-pagans, witches, polytheists, left hand path folk, occultists, and new agers that is dangerous but hopefully I've gotten my point across.

"Recreating Christian persecution in a way"

If its not abundantly clear from my above examples pseudo-history is used to fabricate a lot of Christian persecution claims that have serious negative impacts. I don't even know what you mean by this so honestly I'm not going to try arguing against it.

Bottom line: pseudo-history absolutely is harmful in a religious context.

🔹Sumerian Polytheism🔹

As for "deifying" her up in Sumerian Polytheism. No I am 100% against that. Don't deify up demons and claim its still Sumerian polytheism because it isn't— its modern demonolatry.

First, Lilith isn't Sumerian.

Second, demons have their place in Sumerian cosmology and I'm not going to deify them. If a demon was honored, such as Pazuzu, then I many honor them. But I will not view Sumerian/Mesopotamian demons as Diĝir.

Third, I am a revivalist with a heavy reconstructionist approach, I value the real history of Ancient Near Eastern religions, cosmologies, and mythologies with a particular focus on Sumerian times (Ur III and prior) for my own faith.

This means I will always stand against pseudo-history, debunk claims, and defend actual ANE & Sumerian history. Ancient cultures deserve to be respected and not lied about. Pseudo-history is a lie.

🔹Last Thoughts🔹

Please do not pray to Lilith for me the mention in the ask made me feel uncomfortable.

Just like the "recreating Christian persecution" sentence in your ask I don't understand the "fraudulent behavior" statement so I can't really address it.

Tone clarification: The tone of this post is meant to be informative and explanatory not hostile and argumentative.

---

TL;DR Lil demons are not Lilith. Lilith is Jewish and I stand by my opinion that she is apart of a closed tradition. Pseudo-history is dangerous and I will always reject it.

EDIT: After reading their tags on this (x) and their rhetoric in the first reply to this post I think its better for me to not interact with this person. So I've decided to block. They've stated their stance and its literally just strawman arguments, many false equivalences, and whataboutisms; I have no time or patience for that. But this post is still useful as a rebuke against pseudo- history in our communities so I'll leave it up, I worked hard on it. I also deleted the original response post since it's redundant now. [Edit 2] The person has been extremely ableist towards me more than once, threatened me, tried to bypass my blocks, wished violent death on me more than once. I did report them and tumblr took one of their posts down... which is not enough but I won't waste my time trying to get tumblr moderators to do their job.

-not audio proof read-

[hcfiles]

blah blah blah or they are simply a real couple expecting a Baby. End of. 🙄

And now not only Natalie is PR but all his other relationships too? Woman you need Jesus. Is it because you cant stand the thought of Henry having partners? Is that your problem? He's one of the hottests dude in the world he doesnt need PR Girlfriends. The only one that might have been PR is with Kaley Cuoco. I think you have never been a fan of Henry at all. Cant be because how come you never noticed anything of that before? Just now when a woman came into his Life you hate, now it's suddenly clear to you? astonishing!

Gina talked about Henry recently, they were very seriously! She alone debunks your "all his relationships are pr" bs. And before you attack again, Im not afraid to admit I hate the way you talk about Henry but its not because i fear you are right...NO its because I hate when people manipulate others on the internet because ive seen how it works. A lot of people arent smart, dont do their own research...they read something and believe it. So im asking you, at least tell people its only your opinion. Do not state your opinion as facts, please. What will happen if you are proved wrong? Will you just disapear in shame and/or delete everything? You hurt people, the sooner you realize that the better.

My criticism goes against the way his team dealt with the situation. Of course he's entitled to have a relationship. And the fact he had many PR stunts doesn't avoid him from having real girlfriends hidden somewhere who don't show, despite thinking he's not that experienced, even being the hottest man on Earth. Being hot and sexy is not exactly, a synonym of a good performance.

You say I make statements and manipulate people. No! I give my version of the facts and people are entitled to disagree, like you do. For those following, I think that is clear. It's a democratic page. But, saying I manipulate people just because I give my version of facts, is way too much and it gives me a power I don't have. Even the most idiotic, has an opinion and can discuss it and disagree with me.

It is a free world. I am entitled to have a blog discussing a public matter of a public figure. Manipulating would be if I came here saying I know the couple, work with his team or in the Industry. That would make my page more credible and people dependent on my posts, coming back for more. But, your insistence in trying to argue with me is more manipulative and brings more attention than my posts.

You say you "hate when people manipulate others on the internet". But, isn't that exactly what you are trying to do? Trying to make me do or write what you want on my blog to suit your convictions? And, of course a lot aren't smart. But, I'm not here choosing or excluding readers. My page is democratic. They are free to come and go. And, I'm not responsible for what people do of the information they read. They have the free will to do whatever they want with it, including to ignore it.

I never stated my posts as facts. That is YOUR interpretation of what you read, probably based on your fears they could be true. You are responsible for how you interpret what you read. Good luck with that.

And answering your question, if I am proven wrong it will be OK and nice. At least, one way or another, we will have answers to many of the questions we have seen for years and he will have a chance (maybe) to get rid of the negative publicity and the bad luck and energy Natalie brought him.

Who do I hurt and why? Henry? He doesn't even know I exist. You? I would only hurt you if my ideas threatened your beliefs. But, I'm not going to your page to force you to believe me and you said my posts don't threaten what you believe in. So, ... If proven I'm wrong, why would I delete the blog? I might just continue with the page. There will always be something to write about, because he will always come up with some new promotion or PR stunt. But, I doubt I'm wrong. At least, not wrong about a few things.

[harveymooon]

if you're gonna be weird and condescending in my post replies/reblog tags please just block or ignore me. im autistic so this kinda stuff affects me more than you might think and it's annoying. i dont care if you like a character i dislike or vice versa, or disagree with my thoughts. im open to respectable discussion about warriors stuff, i do really enjoy the books (obviously) but theres no reason to be rude to me. im also a college student with a job so i dont have time to argue about a cat book series for preteens, nor do i want to spend my time arguing. my textposts are mostly silly and hyperbolic because that's how i am, it's only posts like this that i actually take very seriously. of course correct me if i voice something harmful or something like that, at the moment though i dont believe ive done anything wrong, im not out here proshipping or perpetuating harm, im just making silly posts about badly written cats. i always look at reblogs and replies because i love the fun additions people give so if you say something rude i will 100% see it so like, dont?

[glitzreyasblog]

❝ 𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐙𝐑𝐄𝐘𝐀𝐒𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆 GUIDELINES ❞

NOTE. this post is a must read if you’re going to interact with my blog in any way. these guidelines apply to and cover every single aspect of my blog. these rules are not hard to follow, all I’m asking for is respect for me and my boundaries ୨୧

﹒˚ ₊ ︵﹒⊹ 🎀❕ ₊˚๑ ᕱᕱ ꒱✦ ₊ ︵︵ 🖇️

// GENERAL BLOG GUIDELINES

welcome to my loassumption blog! ♡ to state the obvious, here I talk about manifestation. that is the main and only purpose for the blog!! I’m not here to argue with anyone, if you disagree with my opinions that’s fine— you’re allowed to do so. but don’t try to start a fight with me, you’ll simply be ignored.

please note that this isn’t an affirm + persist blog!

// INBOX RULES

if your message contains trauma dumping then I won’t answer, so please don’t trauma dump. I’m not your therapist. respectfully and kindly, I am not someone you can vent to. these are my boundaries, please respect them when sending in your message. constantly spamming my inbox will get you ignored and possibly blocked. please be respectful when using my inbox, disrespect of any kind will also get you ignored. ( I’m literally taking the time out of my day to help you and do the best I can for you, there’s no reason to not be polite 😐 )

I do not respond to asks that: are rude, have already been answered by another ask or a post made by me, ask me to manifest for them, ask me if it’s possible to manifest xyz. don’t send your ask to my inbox if you’ve copied paste the same exact one to a million other bloggers. I understand that you may want multiple opinions but I don’t respond to asks like that.

finally, DONT use my inbox as your punching bag. I don’t wanna see your rant about how “manifesting doesn’t work and everyone on tumblr is a dumb big fat liar!!!” don’t try to follow that up with “how come manifesting doesn’t work for me 🥺” either.

// DNI

if you think that the loa is fake and that everyone who believes in manifestation is delusional then woomp woomp, I really don’t wanna hear it. my blog isn’t a place for you to let your negativity out. I’m not the one to argue with.

to sum it all up… my blog is a space for me to talk about whatever I want manifestation wise. the main purpose is to share what I know and to help others with the info that I share through my posts (I’m not a manifestation coach, I don’t do one on one coaching or anything like that). this blog is meant to be a positive space so please be nice <3

[drakefisher]

GAMES FEATURING TRANSGENDER CHARACTERS FAQ-ish PAGE

if you're here because of my post about a certain list i've made on backloggd, hello! thank you for enjoying my work :) i made this to address some frequent questions or comments i've gotten, so i would appreciate if you took the time to read this as well! thank you in advance!

"I didn't know [game] had a trans character, who is it?" / "Why is this game included?"

Go to the list. Look at any game on there. Do you see the purple button in the upper right corner that has a small speech bubble and the word "Note" in it?

Click on that. Now you know! Seriously stop asking me this this is quite literally what the "Note" button is for.

"Are there certain games or specific genres you won't accept?"

So far the only games that I refuse to add are Hogwarts Legacy and The Last of Us: Part II, both due to the fact that JKR (who I know was not directly involved with the game, but I feel that giving the game attention would still benefit her) and Neil Druckmann are enormous bigots who have their bigoted views written in the stories of their creations, and they have both used money they've made off their IPs to fund harmful causes, and I do not believe these people should be supported. I am not changing my mind about this and anyone who attempts to argue with me will be ignored, you are just wasting time for us both. As for genres, there's already a wide variety on there, so pretty much anything goes!

"Am I too late to make a suggestion?"

It's never "too late," no! I'm not sure where the idea that this has some kind of time limit on it comes from. I am always looking for new games to add, so please do not hesitate to suggest an addition!

"I already submitted a game previously, am I allowed to submit another?"

Of course! There's no limit whatsoever on how many you games you can submit, the more titles the merrier!

"I didn't see [game] on here, you should add it!"

Firstly, are you 100% certain that it's not already listed? I know it's a very long list, but please make sure to actually look through and see if the game isn't already on there. Sometimes a games DLC or a remake of a game are a separate listing from their base/original games (such as Monster Prom: Second Term or Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door for example), so this is something to keep in mind as well. I have the list sorted by oldest release date to newest release date by default, but you are able to adjust the sorting for yourself by clicking the pink "Release Date" text at the top of the list!

"I looked again and saw that [game] is actually on there, sorry!"

No worries!

"I looked again and I am 100% certain I did not see [game] on here!"

Fantastic! Then by all means, tell me the name of it and which characters are trans either in the comments of the list or in my ask box and I will add them!

"I disagree with a character being included in here."

Many characters seem to be hot topics of debate as I've come to learn, so this is to be expected. We can debate it and put whether they should be included or excluded to a vote, or you may simply create your own list where they are not included.

"I didn’t see [game] or a mention of [character] on this list and I’m now going to be weirdly hostile and passive aggressive towards you about it as if it were a deliberate act of exclusion on your part when the more likely scenarios are that I either didn't actually bother to look through the list at all and got mad at you for no reason or you just weren’t aware of the game/character because you have not played every single video game ever made but I’m going to act as though you have also I’m going to call you crazy for some reason."

There’s no reason for you to act this way. I have not played a majority of these games myself and I am also the sole person working on this, it’s inevitable that I would miss a few things. And you have to actually *click* on the link in the original post with your finger and *look* through the list with your eyeballs to see if a title is included or not. You are welcome to politely bring a game/character to my attention either in the comments of the list or in my ask box if I have genuinely missed something.

[beasts-of-jadewood]

The following is an open letter/PSA regarding recent arguments I've gotten into on this website:

I cannot stress this enough but you cannot stop me from responding to what you said to me unless I get banned somehow. So if you don't want to hear from me, then just block me like anyone else would. Please. If you want tumblr to given you comment moderation and the ability to delete people's reblogs of your posts, then I understand completely. Those sound like super useful features but you should ask the website staff for that, not me. What you can do right now is use the features that this site does have to conveniently stop reading my posts forever at the press of a button instead of continuing to argue with me and therefore cause me to respond to you.

Bottom line is this: If you ever want to stop talking to me for any reason, please feel free to just block me and go on with your life. Neither of us came on this site to be disagreed with and I won't miss you, as I'm sure you won't miss me. There are eight billion people on Earth so if you think I'm wrong or evil or a scumbag or whatever then please just talk to someone else because I guarantee you arguing with me is not a productive use of either of our time.

Even if you say something and I comment underneath it, then I promise you here and now that if you ignore it then I would not make a follow-up comment. I don't like to harass people and I'm busy as hell in real life anyway. But if you engage in a back and forth with me then my assumption would be that you want to talk to me, so if that is not your intention then do not do that. Just let me be wrong in peace, because chances are I'm not, and even if I am, I'm just an ordinary person who has no and wants no influence over others. When you argue with me, you are punishing only yourself. Thank you.

[svsss-fanon-exposed]

Forgive me for missing the point of your argument the first time, that one is on me.

I think perhaps that the issue here is that we have different logic systems being used for this matter.

The novel doesn't tell us how SY behaved before transmigration. The only thing we really know was a little about his family, that he got into university, and that he spent a lot of time reading novels and posting on the forums.

My logic here, is based primarily on the fact that there was no stated change in his personality, and he doesn't mention a difference in his behavior and viewpoint between then and now. This, again, is why my rating is unsupported and not conflicting, because it is negative evidence-- a lack of support.

You fundamentally disagree with the logic behind my post-- which is that because the novel itself does not state there to be a change in personality from before and after transmigration, the way that SY!QQ acts and thinks can then be assumed to be the same way that he acted before transmigration.

For my analysis, it's a matter of missing evidence.

I don't say that personality cannot change as a result of major events.

But this is a novel, and a characterization in a novel-- and I feel that if a change in characterization between pre and post transmigration were something intended to be important, it would have been mentioned.

You disagree with this-- that is fine. We disagree.

Your x3 point, however, bears addressing. In my initial analysis, I provided quotes. Here, and also in your x2 point, you say that I ignore things that don't fit with my analysis.

Which things? I've stated in my intro post on this blog that if you wish to argue against a rating or analysis, I would like for direct quotes to be provided. I cannot think of what I might be ignoring in this case, so if you wish to make that argument, please back it up.

Also, you accuse me of using subjective analysis-- naturally, since I am making an analysis off of the text and implications of the text, it will be subjective. I do not claim that my opinions are not subjective-- unless the rating of a post is canon or fanon-conflicting, I don't mean to say that something is the be all, end all statement.

It's an analysis from my viewpoint of what we see in the text. That is all.

You disagree with my analysis, and I disagree with your analysis, especially since I haven't seen you provide any quotes that support your point, only to say that Shen Yuan's personality may have changed after transmigration-- an assumption that has no more weight than my own interpretation.

I do not think we will come to an agreement, since you don't just disagree with my analysis, but also the logic of my analysis, but I would welcome quotes you may provide in support of your viewpoint. Specifically, quotes which either address his pre-transmigration personality directly, or quotes which say or imply his personality has changed.

Lastly, I will reiterate. My analysis of this post is "unsupported." Not conflicting. Your analysis may differ from mine, and you've come to another conclusion. That is your own conclusion. Perhaps, if you wish to make your own analysis of this fanon, you can make your own post on the matter-- there is a reason why I include my reasoning in these posts. If you disagree with my reasoning, then that's your opinion, and you're free to make your own.

TLDR; I provide quotes with my analyses. If you wish to debate with me, please also provide evidence, and not just analysis without quotes. Thank you.

Exposing SVSSS Fanon: 7/∞

SHEN YUAN WAS A SHUT-IN

Rating: FANON - UNSUPPORTED

The common depiction of Shen Yuan in fanworks is that he was an antisocial shut-in who never left his room, spending all day reading and commenting on webnovels, and always focused on his computer or phone screen or a book. This is frequently coupled with the depiction of Shen Yuan as chronically ill, as something caused by this illness, but it is also generally used even when such illness is not featured, likely as part of the stereotype of someone chronically online who has the time to spend on making long-winded comments on online forums and reading a 20 million word novel in a short span of time.

However, while canon does not directly state otherwise, the depiction of SY!QQ's personality conflicts with this interpretation and portrays him on multiple occasions as someone who enjoys going out into the world, exploring, and interacting with others, to the point where it is used to deliberately contrast his nature with Shen Jiu's:

At the same time, how could he not want to go out and play? Up until now, he’d been hunkered down inside Qing Jing Peak’s Bamboo House, forced to fake being an awesome master of arts and literature, meaning everything he did had to be done “blandly”: blandly speaking, blandly laughing, blandly practicing the sword, blandly being a poser—bland to the point that he often had the urge to scatter a handful of salt over his head! What a damn pain! And now when he finally got a break to take a trip down the mountain, he was still trapped in his room because of the System’s stance that “the original Shen Qingqiu liked quiet and would be unwilling to mingle.” (7S Ch. 2)

During the years that Luo Binghe is in the Abyss, Shen Qingqiu spends most of his time off the mountain:

During these three years, other than occasionally asking Liu Qingge for assistance in clearing his meridians to treat his poison, requesting medicinal prescriptions from Mu Qingfang, and briefly visiting Qing Jing Peak to arrange leveling missions for his disciples, Shen Qingqiu spent most of his time wandering about the outside world. He passed the days leisurely until an urgent notice from Yue Qingyuan arrived to suddenly summon him back to Cang Qiong Mountain. (7S Ch. 6)

For someone who is a shut-in, especially when fearing (what he thinks is) his inevitable death, it would be far more likely that Shen Qingqiu would shut himself inside the bamboo house as much as possible. Instead, he copes by going out and exploring the world.

After he wakes up in his mushroom body, instead of going off to hide away in seclusion somewhere (which would have been in line with a shut-in, antisocial personality), he instead thinks to immediately try to establish relations with the demon realm:

The first step to starting his all-new life would, of course, have to be proceedings with which Shen Qingqiu was most familiar. First, for a prop, he needed a folding fan, one with a white silk base, decorated with an ink wash painting of mountains and rivers. Shen Qingqiu snapped the fan open and waved it before his chest, sending his long hair and whiskers flying. Perhaps his image wasn’t ideal and was slightly unsuited to said prop, but that didn’t matter. With a folding fan in hand / Badass act at my command... ...this actually opened up a new line of thought. These minor demons had never dared to do more than snoop and thieve here and there. But if he could supply them with an honest channel for small goods, perhaps within this world that revolved around cultivation and monster-fighting, he could forge paths into a new frontier based on farming and amassing capital? Shen Qingqiu irresponsibly fantasized for a while, then felt that if he were to accept underlings, they needed to understand each other’s cultural practices. (7Seas Ch. 9)

He has established good relations with his martial siblings and frequently spends time with them:

Whenever the sect siblings from Cang Qiong Mountain got together, the conversation never stopped, and any little remark could get played on forever. But today, their conversation was extremely short. They usually headed off to Zui Xian Peak to have a meal together... (7Seas Ch. 32)

He even goes so far as to invite Shang Qinghua to visit Qing Jing Peak, before he is aware that SQH is a transmigrator:

“They were harvested from the tea fields of my senior disciple Ming Fan’s family,” Shen Qingqiu said affably. “As for whether they’re high-quality, won’t Shang-shidi know if he comes for tea at Qing Jing Peak?” (7Seas Ch. 26)

Instead of simply hiding away in a house while waiting for Luo Binghe to recover from his deaging, Shen Qingqiu instead goes to get a teaching job:

Shen Qingqiu soon got so bored that his bones began to itch, so he casually took up work at the largest academy in the city. (7Seas Ch. 28)

Throughout the novel, Shen Qingqiu's characterization is consistently established as someone who gets bored when he is forced to stay in one place and do nothing. Unless there is someone providing him with adequate companionship (he didn't travel as much when LBH was on Qing Jing Peak, for example), or he is indisposed in some way, Shen Qingqiu is almost always going out to explore the world and meet people.

Because of the way that he is stressed and bored when stuck inside, and how he goes out to cope with that, it's fairly easy to say that Shen Yuan/Shen Qingqiu is an extroverted person.

Now, does this completely deny the possibility that he was a shut-in in his former life? Not necessarily. It does, however, make it far more likely that he is not a shut-in by nature, and that if he did spend all day in his room, it was likely due to some other factor, such as depression.

Shen Qingqiu is characterized as an extroverted person with an attractive personality, and while his internal monologue can be at times somewhat awkward, the way he is perceived by others is not so. He expresses no desire to hide away in his room all day and becomes unhappy if he has to. He likes to go out and experience new things and meet new people.

The idea that for no other reason than his personality Shen Yuan spent all his time in his room or was antisocial in any way is not supported by canon, and in fact there is far more evidence to the alternative.

[wifegideonnav]

saw a post about the fandoms use of the word chussy and how violating and disrespectful it is and it really got me thinking. not going to name the op because I am absolutely not trying to argue with their take which is clearly fueled by very real anger and hurt, and I fully respect their opinion. so please understand that im not trying to start #discourse and anyone who does so on this post will be blocked (eta: please feel free to disagree with this post and let me know that you do/argue your point. by discourse I mean the annoying and pointless brand of internet arguing that we all know and hate). all that being said, here’s my take on the issue:

1. the post raised some excellent points about the desecration of the body and the implications of sexual assault that the nonconsensual alteration of gideons body carries. so first off: this is absolutely an important point and it’s something that needs to be taken into consideration. additionally, the oversexualization of butches is a huge problem and the use of the word chussy undoubtedly plays into this. all of these things must be acknowledged and respected.

2. my analysis of the joking nature the fandom has taken towards gideons chest wound is that this attitude is fueled by grief and discomfort/despair. muir tends to take her characters past their breaking points and explore how that impacts them, and that is a really hard thing to witness as a reader, especially when it’s a character as beloved as gideon, especially when the change from the first book to the third is so stark. imo, people simply don’t know how to handle these feelings, and funnel them into black humor. inappropriate? yeah, probably. but I think what’s crucial here is that this is a coping mechanism for very real feelings that are stirred up by these books. people aren’t being irreverent purely for the sake of it (though there’s definitely some of that too), they’re processing uncomfortable emotions stirred up by this - crucially - fictional character

3. arguably, this reaction was also brought on by muir herself. violence and sex are inextricably tied in this universe. harrow and ianthe have multiple sexually charged scenes that are explicitly violent - the scene where ianthe knifes harrows hand and obviously the bone arm scene. the dios apate scenes are laden with hatred, deception, and a desire to literally murder one of the participants. joli thinks nona and cam are being prostituted. palamedes’s love interest turns out to be murdered, and he tries to kill her killer in return. pyrrha has sex with a corpse. while the sexual aspect of it is never discussed, harrows conception is marked by genocide. even the excerpt of alecto that muir shared earlier this year combines a description of personal struggle and torment with explicit yonic imagery. this is all to say, the concept of gideons wound being partially sexual within the text is not far fetched at all. i would honestly be surprised if alecto doesn’t address this in some way, either in a joking way or a serious way (knowing muir, probably both). for all muir’s faux outrage over the term in the q&a earlier today (technically yesterday), she always knows exactly what she’s doing and dare I say more or less exactly how the fandom is going to react to things. im certain she anticipated that people would draw a connection between the wound and sexuality. now, muir intentionally planting this subtext does not negate any problematic aspects of said implication. but I think it’s important to note that it’s not purely a “fandom joking about serious topics” thing - it also falls on the writer

overall, I think it’s a very nuanced topic, as with pretty much everything pertaining to muirs work. bodily autonomy is a huge theme in tlt and there is a certain flavor of ignoring or defying muirs message in making a joke out of the bodily violation that gideon has suffered. however, again, i a) think the jokes stem from a place of understanding muirs intent and the discomfort that arises due to this and b) maintain that this is not a case of the fandom disrespecting a creators message but rather the fandom running with the context and tone of the source material. and finally, I want to emphasize that this is a fictional character, and while attitudes toward fiction 100% affect reality, I doubt that the people making these jokes would do so if they were aimed at a real person.

i fully invite conversation on this post and I would love to hear what you guys think, particularly butches (I am a lesbian who considers myself gnc but not masc/butch and i would never presume to speak for/over butches, especially on a topic so important). i don’t mean to be a killjoy, but after reading that post and reflecting I do think it’s important to explore the ramifications of these jokes before continuing to make them.

[punktr]

Whenever You're Ready

My very first posted fanfic! I’m still learning how to write fanfic so please be kind. 🥺 I know its kind of jumpy I have a hard time with transitions 😅 anyway Im extremely nervous to post this but any feedback is welcome! 

mjf x reader

just super fluffy mjf cause I couldn't help it 🥺🥺

*I do not own this gif!*

gif credit to @thebestintheworld

There was nothing Max could do anymore, he kept telling you how bad the guy you were seeing was and you just didn’t want to listen. Now here you sit with a broken heart and no one to talk to. You wanted to call Max so badly and just vent all your frustrations and heartbreak to him, however you knew he would probably just decline your call, after all you had ignored all his warnings in the first place.

After a few weeks of Max not seeing you at work he started to worry, you never missed work even if you didn’t have a match you were always backstage somewhere helping out or talking match ideas with your coworkers. Max was starting to think he should call you just to check on you but then thought you probably wouldn’t want to hear from him, you obviously didn’t want his opinion before. The rest of the night went by and Max couldn’t get you off his mind, you could see during his match he was distracted like he had something on his mind.

“Hey (y/n) it’s Max, I just wanted to check on you. You haven’t been at work lately and I’m kinda worried, it’s just not like you. Please call me back.” Max sighed as the voicemail was sent and threw his phone on the couch. He just wanted to know you were okay.

“Please call me back.” Max’s voice echoed from your phone. You wanted to call him, you really did. You were really hurting and needed somebody but you felt like you didn’t deserve Max’s attention after blatantly ignoring him when all he was trying to do was protect you.

It was about two in the morning when you heard knocking at your door. You contemplated for a moment if it was worth it to answer it and decided you really had nothing left to lose. You opened the door to see Max. At first you didn’t believe it and thought you were just seeing things, so you went to shut the door when Max reached out and held the door preventing it from closing.

“You were always there for me. Let me be here for you.” Your eyes immediately watered and Max pulled you into his arms. Once Max had his arms around you, you let it all out. Max gently pulled you back into your house, shutting the door, and sitting you back on your couch. Max held you and rubbed your back as you cried in his arms. Once you finally calmed down from crying you felt the guilt creep back up and immediately started apologizing.

“Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Max gently replied. You disagreed but knew better than to argue with him over it. You and Max sat there for what felt like hours in a comfortable silence when Max finally spoke up.

“You know, our first match in Beyond when you came out from behind the curtain, I actually for the first time thought, how am I going to do this match. I saw your smile and I thought there is no way I could hurt this person. That night was the night I told myself I was gonna marry this girl.” Max confessed with a fond smile on his face.

You couldn’t help but blush at Max’s confession, luckily it was dark in the room so he couldn’t see just how red your face was. Your heart was racing and you would be lying if you said you didn’t feel the same way. Max knew you were still healing and that it might be a while before you’d be ready for another relationship but he wasn't going to lose you to someone else again.

“I just want you to know it's always been you. I’m not going anywhere, I will always be right here. Whenever you’re ready.”

[huggingtentacles]

Many people in an attempt to paint Malenia as less skilled than Radahn and thus a sore loser, fixate so much on the bloom. They ignore the fact that he was already incapacitated after being impaled by her but BEFORE the bloom. He couldn't even muster up the energy to glare at her. He couldn't do anything as she slowly pushed her sword deeper and took about 10+ seconds to bloom. He also couldn't react in-time to her jump-stab whereas she never slowed down when her arm was being cut off.

Re-reading this made me realize that I'm just rambling. It's very badly written and borderline incoherent. So my arguments might be bad. Also I want to point out that I am very biased. No I do not care. If you disagree that's fine, write your own post. BUT if you're the Lore Person and you know some of the answers to the questions I have, or you have your own additions, by all means, please add them. So anyway.

I was gonna point that out in my post about why Malenia totally owned Radahn but whatever I'll write it here.

Basically in Radahn Vs Malenia debate whoever wins depends on your opinion of what qualifies as a "victory". Since they were fighting a war, some would look at it from a militaristic standpoint, in which case you gotta define why they even fought, and that's not even clear. Was it for the great runes and the status of godhood? Well, Malenia probably didn't care about the runes, because she did spare Godrick. Was it just a war of conquest? Well, I'm from Ukraine and I know a thing or two about wars of conquest. There wasn't any occupational force anywhere else in the lands between, so it probably wasn't for the territory. In fact, it seems like Malenia deliberately went for Radahn. Maybe she just fucking hates Radahn's guts for some reason. Maybe their minds were just tainted by the great runes. I do not know what was the military objective. But in a war, like in any other war, there is no victor. In that I would agree that it's a loss on both sides. I can make a case though, that whatever was the military objective of the battle of Aeonia, it was something that was worth sacrificing yourself to an outer god for. Malenia's last attack reads to me as extremely calculated. Run in, sack your arm which would suprise your opponent because he probably didn't fight many people who would keep fighting after losing an arm, leap forward, incapacitate him in one hit and also damage yourself enough to trigger the scarlet bloom. Perhaps driving him mad and stop him from achieving something was the goal. That is up to interpretation.

But in their own personal duel, like, outside of everything else, just straight up a battle to the death... Malenia just won. Like, it's just hard to argue with this. Radahn was one of the mightiest demi-gods. And what state do we find him in? Fucking Ohio. Pathetic. This dude is so fucked he might as well belong to Dark Souls 3. Don't get me wrong, he is still really fearsome, don't hold a festival of war for someone who is weak. But when he is just Not Doing Well. If we came a few months later I think he would go so mad he would've eaten his horse. He's in a really sad state, he just doesn't read like a winner to me.

Malenia though? Well let's put aside the fact that she absolutely wrecks shit for a moment. When we meet her she's just chilling, you know? If Miquella wasn't kidnapped, I would imagine he would find something to cure her from the rot. She had all the chances of just brushing it off. And honestly if our Tarnished wouldn't invade the Haligtree, she might've figured something out. I don't really understand why she didn't go out looking for Miquella, but I would believe she would do that eventually. But maybe it was because of the loss or eyesight. Like yeah maybe fighting is just second nature to her, but navigating an area wouldn't be easy. Or maybe she waited for him to return because he had some sort of plan that was interrupted by Mohg?

In any case, Malenia not only crushed whatever Radahn was trying to do, she also had better recovery from the battle.

Also let's talk about that final hit. In PvP, taking damage on purpose to deal damage to your opponent is called trading. A good trade is used to either win over initiative by dealing more damage than your opponent and staggering them. It's difficult to argue that in technical terms Malenia won that trade. Radahn ended up a fun side-quest for some NPCs and Malenia is literally The Hardest Boss From Software ever made.

[charmikarma]

essay below read at your own risk

i've been in other fandoms where "i headcanon these characters as siblings" has turned into Fanon Acceptance Of That Headcanon and shit devolves into horrific purity culture awfulness forever. like if you ship two characters who the fandom perceives as siblings, regardless of whether or not they are literal actual siblings in canon, it is considered problematic. or to take it a step further, you are considered problematic. which is just. such a strange stance to be taking in any context, and i think it is very strange that this has become such a Thing in fandom, that moral evaluations of real people can revolve so strongly around a widespread interpretation of a work of fiction.

[and before someone comes in here to try and accuse me of shipping incest or something for having this take let me just tell you: i don't even ship any of the ships that are a victim of this phenomenon. in some cases i even agree with the sibling interpretation! okay? are we good now??? i can't believe i have to say this. please don't twist my words here. i am saying exactly what i mean. that is to say, i am observing a phenomenon that i think is largely toxic.]

in fact fandom has become kind of a moral space in general?? why does someone's like or dislike of something have to be predicated on whether or not it is a morally sound opinion. and ok, not all opinions are evaluated this way. but if someone disagrees with someone strongly enough to feel emotions about it, moral arguments tend to be the "logical" justification they turn to. i guess this is what i'm getting at here: if you are making a moral judgment about a fictional character or a ship, and you're arguing with someone online about it, maybe you should take a step back and evaluate where you got this moral conviction from. in some cases, yeah, you're gonna be right. for example if someone is shipping, oh i dunno, nezuko and tanjirou from demon slayer, yeah those are canonical siblings who are biologically related and were raised together. that's pretty much unambiguously shitty. but if you're talking about like, say, vriska, i don't think liking or disliking vriska is necessarily equivalent to taking a moral stance. could you take a moral stance in interpreting vriska a certain way? yes. but i don't think having an opinion about her should be considered a moral stance.

"but charmi," you might be saying, "you are saying this on a post where you say you dislike a ship because you think it invalidates kanaya's (perceived on your part) identity as a lesbian. doesn't this make you a hypocrite?" and ok, you might be right. maybe i am a hypocrite. maybe i too am forming my opinions based on my moral convictions. but at the end of the day i'm not gonna go after people for disagreeing with me, because 1. i don't care what they think and 2. i understand that people have different understandings of both moiraillegiance and kanaya's sexuality, regardless about how i feel about those understandings. and here we come to the real point of this entire ramble: the point isn't even what one's opinions are. it's the way fanon as a movement leads to strife in fan communities online, which is not fun for anyone. not to mention sometimes it discourages productive analytical discussion. none of these arguments are happening in real time; let's use that extra thinking time we get from not having to reply immediately to be a bit nicer to everyone, yeah? to decide what is and isn't worth your time? i promise you will feel better.

tl;dr i am sick of fandom being a place where all of your opinions are tied to your moral value as a person. i want to go back to the age where we could all just enjoy our things and ignore the people we think are weird. reject modernity (centralized social media) return to monke (niche fansites and forums)

my potentially hot homestuck take is i dislike karkat<>kanaya. because if you want to say kanaya is a lesbian this should also include moiraillegiance because that too is romance. i love their friendship but moiraillegiance is by definition not friendship.

[angria]

About this Blog

***Do not reblog personal posts tagged #angriadm*** I cannot mass edit the reblog option retroactively, so please do not reblog older posts

Hi all, I’m Angria, not my real name (it comes from my love of the Brontë's…it’s the name of their childhood paracosm).  I live on the east coast of the US, both my home-state and the city in which I currently live.  I’m 34 and a gay/queer, cis-woman with she/her pronouns. Was a teacher, now a social work grad student.  I’ve been on here for over 10 years.  This is my outlet and safe space to express things I cannot talk about outside of therapy.  I post what I like or things that resonate with me. I'm weird and pay attention to how my tumblr looks (like how the colors, quotes, pics go together), so I usually blast 20+ posts in a row and then silence...that probably will annoy some people. Also...I curse. A lot (probably too much, but eh). And I do not tag it, so no TWs with regard to swearing.

Speaking of, I have a very specific tag system that serves me and not necessarily others in the sense of trigger warnings.  Just be aware of that and if you do need to unfollow me, I fully understand.

1) I mainly struggle with CPTSD, BPD, and severe depression from childhood abuse and neglect.  I also struggle with self harm and will mention it, usually as SH (no graphic details).  I am still in contact with my parents, for financial/practical reasons amongst others.  So please do not recommend I go no-contact.  It is a very complex situation and I actively discuss it with T.

2) I am very private when it comes to locations and people, mainly because I’m afraid of people I know finding my tumblr.  So my privacy settings are very strict and I do not allow anons.  I’ve never had a good experience during the two times I allowed it years ago.  This is my personal, private safe space and I do not need some random person’s cowardice and ignorant judgments invading it.

3) As a heads up, I do talk about religion and my faith, specifically Christianity.  I’m Episcopalian, was Atheist for a time, and recovering from my religious trauma inflicted by the Catholic Church (born and raised in a dogmatic household and school). I am a firm supporter of inclusive, affirming, and accepting theology. Religion should never be weaponized to control and manipulate others with threatening, bigoted, hate-filled doctrine or beliefs.  If it makes you feel shame, fear, or worthlessness, it does not come from God.  It comes from twisted and false human ideology cowardly hiding behind the guise of “religion.”

I did study and teach Theology for many years; however, no, I do not wish to argue or debate theological or religious discourse.  That is not the point of my blog.  It’s completely fine if you disagree with me or have different beliefs/faiths. But, I am not inviting people to challenge me purely because I have a faith.  I respect other’s faith or non-belief (as long as it doesn’t harm others), so please respect mine.  I am open to genuine questions that you may have; however, I am by no means an authority nor consider myself an expert.  I may know more than the average person, but I will always be in a state of learning.

I do write about things regarding religion that may trigger people, so please take care of yourself and unfollow, if need be. I try my best to notify people with TW/CWs and Read More’s.

Some main people/things I mention…

T is my therapist of 12 years.  He is an incredible person who has supported me and helped me throughout our time together, never giving up on me .  I probably would not be here if it wasn’t for our work.  I vent about him occasionally if I’m upset with him (which we do talk about eventually).  This is not an invitation to judge him or my therapy. My blog is only a snapshot of our years together.  You do not know him, his experience and professionalism, our boundaries, nor fully understand the context of what we discuss and process.

Dr W is my psychiatrist of 11 years.  She also is a huge advocate and actually listens to me when it comes to my symptoms, medication, and their side-effects, which is a rarity when it comes to psychs.   

Her is a child-part, for lack of better term.  The Voice is a fight(?) part.  I do not have DID, but I have been told I fit criteria of OSDD.  While I agree, I am still hesitant to say I have it.  I just know Her and The Voice are more fragmented/dissociated than how “parts” are described in IFS (Internal Family Systems).

Smshellhole was the Catholic school I attended for 11 years, from preschool to 8th grade (I always call it hellhole; the school's name is a trigger).  I was severely bullied and abused throughout that time, both from kids and teachers.  As well as the priest who worked there.  The time between 3rd and 7th grade were the worst years when I was so dissociated I can’t remember much…just small pieces. Along with the abuse and neglect at home. Main abuser is a person from hellhole during the worst years.

E and J are the priests at my Episcopal church St. P’s and have been life-changing for me and immense supporters as I untangle and process my religious trauma (a couple years ago, J left to assume a different role in a diocese that is in another state. Which completely devastated me). W is our new priest and so far seems to be kind, gentle, and welcoming.

And if you are feeling up to it, check out my positivity/recovery blog spegaudentes (Latin for rejoicing in hope). Mostly stuff that makes me happy with a smattering of coping skills and memes.

[ezilyamuzed]

Ten Years Gone- Chapter Three

Description: Ten years ago, your world had changed. Ten years ago, you had met him, leading your life to never be the same again. Time is running out, but is it too late after all these years?

Word count: 8396 (I get really into it!)

A/N: This takes place at the beginning of season 2. I re-watch specific episodes to integrate the story in as much as I can into the real one (some things are bound to be reworked a bit!) This process takes lots of time, so please let me know what you think. Also I suggest a re-watch anyways because - come’on, they’re worth it!

Any grammatical mistakes are all my own, because I am human. Remember all comments and feedback are welcomed! If you want a tag in future posts regarding this series or other writings please send an ask! Please  leave a comment if you like it, it keeps me motivated to continue! As always thank you for reading! Enjoy!  

Do you ever remember me, baby

Did it feel so good

'Cause it was just the first time

And you knew you would

The roadhouse was looking like it was just winding down. There were only a few cars in the lot when you pulled up. Most likely just a few stray hunters not sure where to go next. None of them looked like Bobby’s beat up van. The thought of Dean driving it sure was amusing.

Inside the stale smell of cigarettes and whiskey hit you quickly. It was like a second home when you were off traveling around, especially when you were trying to ignore Bobby. There were two guys practically passed out at the table in the corner. Three guys by the pool table arguing about something. Last but not least Ash leaning over the bar to fill up his glass when he thought no one was looking.

“Y/N!” He grinned with a wobble. “I was just being a gentleman and pouring this for the most beautiful girl who ever walked in our fine doors.”

“Sure ya were,” you grabbed the beer and took a long sip. “Where’s Ellen and Jo?”

“Y/N!” Jo’s voice sprung up behind you, coming at you quickly to give you a big hug. “Happy birthday!”

“Yes! Salutations! Let’s drink,” Ash stated lifting a glass in cheers while leaning over to fill it up.

“I think you’ve had enough there Ash,” Ellen warned while coming out of the kitchen, making him sit down his beer. “Don’t you have some project you promised them Winchester boys?”

“Right, demon tracking,” he stuttered with a point of his finger. “On it!”

Ash stumbled back to his hideaway, making the three of you shake your heads with a laugh. Winchester boys? Demon tracking? Yup, they’ve been here and you needed to know more.

“What’s this now? He’s tracking demons? It’s not that hard,” you slyly commented while taking a sip of your beer knowing that one specific one was hard as hell to track down.

“Don’t you worry about that,” Ellen sternly warned. “Happy birthday darlin. Drinks on the house.”

“Couch in the back available too?”

“For you, always. It’s near closing time,” she nodded to Jo. “The two of you will have all night to chat after we get the rest of these guys out and finish closing up.

You had offered to help, but of course she declined. One of Ellen’s rules when it came to her customers- she was the boss. She always did last call because if they dared to disagree with her, she would show them her mean side. It was not pretty. Her mom glare was worse than staring down at a hungry and growling wendego.

After an hour or so you were on your 3rd drink. The last guy had finally stumbled out, allowing Jo to lock the door behind him. She looked unimpressed by whatever lines he had been spitting out

“Not Mr. Right huh?” You laughed while watching her walk over to sit next to you.

“I don’t get these hunters that think that they can get into my pants by telling me all about their gun collection and latest kills. Be a real man and take a girl out, show her good time in the action.”

“Mom still giving you grief about going out?”

“Of course,” she rolled her eyes while leaning over the counter to pull out a bottle of jack to hand to you. “Anyways; happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” you replied while twisting the top off and pouring out two glasses.

The two of you continued to go on talking. You had gotten her on the subject of her mom for a bit to distract her from noticing that your drinks were lasting longer than hers. You wanted to know more about the Winchester’s visit and what Ash was doing in the back. Poor Jo was easy to get gossiping once she started drinking.

“Anywho; today when I asked her who this Winchester guy was and his two sons, she told me it was just an old friend of my dads. Pretty sure she’s hiding something there.”

“John Winchester?” You coyly asked, pretending to not know.

“Yeah that was his name. You know them?”

“Heard of ‘em,” you lied. You didn’t want to tell her that you knew them, especially given the way that everything seemed to be a secret about their arrival.

“Guess he died somehow and his sons are looking for what killed him,” she downed the last of her glass, prompting you to fill it some more. “Sad really. I guess it also killed their mom.”

“So why would they show up here?”

“My mom called their dad a while back when Ash got an idea for some alg-o...algor-,” she slurred for a moment. “Whatever. Program to track demons. Guess she thought she could help. They got the message and showed up. Gave Ash all their dad’s research to figure it out. Pretty cute though.”

Her comment made a slight chuckle come out of you as you took a sip of your drink. Yeah, Dean and Sam were definitely cute. It’d be dumb of you to think that Jo wouldn’t think so as well given the rough guys that typically pass through.

“Dean started to hit on me, but coward out for some reason,” her statement caught you a little by surprise, making you give her a raised eyebrow. “Wrong place, wrong time was what he said. Whatever that means.”

There was a feeling of relief that he had stopped himself. Maybe besides the fact that he was looking for a demon he decided to not go through it because of you. You shook off the thought as you lifted your glass again to drink. Jo was a pretty girl and Dean was sure handsome. Neither one of them had a literal doomsday clock counting down, why would it be a bad thing for them to hook up? Maybe have a little hunter romance?

“Sounds like a genuine guy,” you sighed a little. “Maybe give him a chance.”

“Maybe,” Jo sighed while leaning her head on her hand, slowly falling closer to a drunk sleep.

“Where are they now?”

“A hunt, some clown thingy,” she yawned. “I was going to give it to you, but mom gave it to them instead.”

Clowns: Sammy hates clowns. The thought made you chuckle again. That’d be an interesting case to watch.

“Any idea when they are returning? I might have to put this Dean guy in his place if he passes up a chance with my best friend.”

“At least a day or two more,” she yawned again, this time fully laying down her head to sleep.

“Come on you, off to bed.”

You got up and helped her to the back where her room was, assisting her in taking off her shoes to pass out on her fluffy bed. You felt a little bad for letting her get so drunk, but she’d shake it off in the morning.

You had made your way to the little office where the pull out couch was when you caught Ellen at the desk still awake.

“You two have a good night?”

You nodded with a smile as you sat down on the couch, giving a yawn yourself. It had been a long day.

“A year left now,” she stated with a sigh making you nod again. “When are you going to tell her?”

Ellen had been the only other person besides Bobby and John to know about your deal. That was only because she got it out of you the first night you came in battered and bruised because of a damn werewolf. You had been careless and stopped giving a damn because the clock was ticking anyways, why be careful? She saw right through that.

“ I’d rather it just go on like it has been,” you replied. “When the time comes, I died in a hunt. That’s the story. It happens all the time and will be a reminder of what happens to the people we leave behind.”

She nodded her head in agreement. She didn’t like it, but she agreed that it was the last option.

“What if you find this thing though? The same thing the Winchester’s are looking for?” Her question catching you by surprise. “I know you know them. They grew up with Bobby too didn’t they?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“So what’s with the secret?”

“They don’t know what happened and I want to keep it that way. The soul I traded for mine. It was for John.”

“ You are a damn fool,” she glared before sighing deeply. “I’m sure it was because of them though wasn’t it?”

“It was, now it’s just all apart of a cosmic joke,” you replied. “He wasn’t supposed to die already.”

“John Winchester was lucky he didn’t die a long time ago. He was reckless and whatever situation he had put you in was asinine on his part. Now I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but that whole family is cursed.”

“Not the whole family,” you chimed in, making her give you a skeptical glare.

“So which one is it? Hmm? The tall model looking one or the even taller model looking one?” She asked with that motherly knowing glare.

“Dean,” you bit your lip a little thinking about him.

“Be careful there Y/N,” she stated as she sat up from her seat. “We will try to figure this out, but you don’t have that much time. Don’t get yourself hurt these last remaining days. Life’s too short for heartache.”

“Yeah,” you mumbled as you yawned while laying down. “It’s definitely not long enough.”

“I’ll keep your secret, but she’s going to find out someday. Don’t you worry about it today sweetheart. We will figure this out,” she clicked off the light at the end of her words. “Happy birthday again.”

The next day, after you woke with a slight hangover you made your way over to the bar. Jo was hunched over it drinking Ellen’s hangover cure with another one beside her.

“Why is it that every year for your birthday my head hurts more and more the next day,” she groaned.

“It’s called getting older sweetheart,” Ellen chuckled while wiping out glasses from the other side of the bar. “Drink up, you’ll feel better.”

You took a sip from your remedy. The taste of the cinnamon and ginger mixed with tomato juice and honey was overbearing- but it worked. You contemplated what was going to be your next move. Stay around and admit that you knew the Winchester’s, go back to Bobby’s and lounge around, or say screw it all and head off to Vegas for a while.

“I wonder when the boys will be back,” Jo pondered out loud.

“Don’t you worry about them,” Ellen glanced over at you. “They’re busy with a hunt.”

“And I’m in the midst of this chaos called a tracking system,” you heard Ash add as he came in with a worn notebook filled with John’s handwriting.

“Need help?” You found yourself asking, making Ellen stop to stare at you.

“If you can organize these dates that would be most beneficial,” he slid the notebook to you while opening his laptop. “So far I don’t see a pattern by eyeballing it, but Molly here will find it.”

You took your time going through the papers on an empty table. One by one, trying to gather the dates. One in particular caught your eye. Your 15th birthday. John wrote it carefully down as a demon spotting with a 10 year deal, but he was careful not to say who. In fact, there was no mention of your name anywhere. He hid away what had happened just as much as you had. You would have said it was for your protection, but there were names everywhere else. Maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he didn’t want the boys to ever know.

Flipping through there was another repeat date. This time your 11th birthday with question marks and the words hellhound next to it. Had they made a deal? Or was it something else? That part you may never know, but if Ash wanted a pattern there was at least one- and you were the root of it.

Looking around to see if anyone was watching, you tore the pages out that revolved around you. No need for that minor detail. The dead crop circles and random fires like the one that happened to them should suffice. No need for everyone to look towards you. Not when a freakin demon already clued you in on his diabolical plan all those years ago. You knew the why, now the question was where next?

“I think they’re in order Ash,” you stated a few hours later. “You’re right, doesn’t seem to be a pattern really. Not a consistent one at least.”

“Molly here will figure it out and we will be in demon ass kicking business,” he stated while tapping on the screen of the laptop that was a living Frankenstein of parts muddled together.

You rolled your eyes at him, knowing that he barely had anything to go on, and while if he did find a pattern it was going to take a while. Especially to then track the demon just in time. What would be next? Who knew?.

“Ellen, Jo!” You called as you walked towards the bar. “I’m going to be heading out!”

“You can’t go yet!” Jo frowned. “Stay around and meet the Winchester’s when they return.”

You glanced over at Ellen quickly who looked annoyed. You knew what was about to happen. Ellen would tell her to stay away and Jo would argue back and rebel.

“You know Jo,” you piped up. “While I’d love to meet these guys, it’s probably for the best to keep a little distance from them.”

Jo gave you a look of disbelief while Ellen gave you a skeptical glare.

“I mean, come on,” you continued. “They have some powerful demon after them. It’s already killed their dad. Who’s to say it won’t go after anyone else.”

“You of all people were the last that I would ever expect to back out because of any danger,” she sneered with confusion and disbelief.

“Yeah well old age I guess,” you laughed it off, glancing at Ellen who gave you a knowing nod. If Jo was going to hate someone’s opinion it was better to come from you. “Just be safe around them.”

“You be safe out there Y/N,” Ellen spoke up with a smile.

“Always.”

Instead of going back to Bobby’s you found yourself going west instead. After a couple hours into Wyoming, for god only knew why, you decided to stop for the night at a hotel. A day just to yourself in a honeymoon suite sounded like just what the doctor ordered. A nice birthday treat for yourself all paid for by Ms. Yamgucci’s visa.

You had just gotten out of a nice hot bath when you heard your phone chime with a message.

Hey. You up?

The number didn’t seem familiar, but had a Kansas area code. You glanced over at the clock; it was roughly 10’oclock where you were. It was late, but not that late for anyone that knew you.

who is this?

Dean. Bobby gave me your number.

Dean? Well this was certainly a surprise. Why the hell would he ask Bobby for your number? Let alone text you?

Oh hey. Yeah, I’m up. Why?

Bored doing a stake out. Killer clowns.

Sounds exciting. And I’m the only person to entertain your boredom? Flattered.

Nah. I was curious about the other night.

What?

I was wondering if we could do it again when we get back.

Your mind raced at what he was talking about. The talking part, the drinking part, or the almost making out in the garage part. Only one way to find out. Your stomach turned as you typed and awaited the answer; hoping it wasn’t the latter.

What part?

It was nice seeing you again and hanging out. Plus we never finished our bet.

You’d lose. Plus, I’m not at Bobby’s anymore.

Where’d ya go?

I’m in some small town that I can’t pronounce in Wyoming right now. Trying to find a case.

Well maybe we can join you.

Maybe. Finish the hunt you’re on first. Let me know when you’re done and I’ll let ya know where I’m at.

Deal. Happy hunting.

You too.

You shut your phone closed as you laid on the bed, daydreaming what could possibly be going on in Dean’s head as he texted you. He had hit on Jo, but then chickened out. Was it possible that he had thought of you? Did he still have feelings for you? What the hell would you do if he did? The questions plagued your mind as they relayed over and over until eventually you passed out.

Nothing but darkness surrounded you, like a cloud of chaos dancing. There were screams of pain mixed with laughter. The darkness slowly began to lift enough for your eyes to catch two yellow ones gleaming in the distance.

“Beautiful,” was all he said with a grin. “Just perfect.”

Your eyes shot open wide in a frantic. It took a moment for them to adjust as you darted your focus all around you. It was just a dream. You were safe in a hotel in Wyoming. So why the hell were you having dreams of the yellow-eyed demon? The darkness that had surrounded you, what was that? And why was he smiling?

You decided to attempt to go to sleep again, which worked for a little while. The image was seared into your brain. Those eyes. Those proud eyes were haunting you.

After getting dressed and checking out, you made your way down the road for an hour or so until you found a little diner. It was an old western tourist attraction for their town, ‘Sunrise.’

The staff was all in very cheesy western gear that looked like they had ransacked Dolly Parton’s collection. They were friendly enough though. One plaque caught your eye, specifically the name on it.

“Home of Samuel Colt,” you muttered out loud.

“Did a lot for this town,” the waitress who overheard you responded. “Helped build railroads that are still active today.”

“Interesting,” you smiled. “I’ll just take an order of bacon and a coffee.”

“Sure thing sweetheart.”

You sat there wondering if it hadn’t been by chance that you had ended up here or that you were having dreams of the demon. You learned that the colt was real. The Winchester’s had it. Had it being the key word. Did they still? Is that what can help you out of your deal, to end that bastard for once and all?

You had decided to look into the town a little bit more, luckily the diner had WiFi which was surprising. After a while of getting lost in the pages you heard your phone chime.

headed to a friend in Nebraska to take care of something for a bit, then heading back to Bobby’s.

Dean’s message was nonchalant. You knew what he was doing with going to the roadhouse, he just didn’t need to know that you knew. With Ellen already watching out for you on if Ash did find something there was no reason to go there, but you did need to know if they still had the colt. Something about this place and Samuel Colt has to be your way out.

Take your time. I think I might head back there as well. No hunts near here.

C u soon.

You sat your phone down and waved to the waitress for your bill. It was going to take them a while to get back to Bobby’s, but you wanted to be there when they did. Clock was ticking. 364 days left.

It was a little after 11 at night when you pulled into the driveway. For a few seconds you took a moment to appreciate the view. Home. Every little imperfection that you had hated when you first laid eyes on it was now just perfect the way they were. It all held a story. The burn mark on the right bannister when you were learning how to make wolfsbane bombs. The missing siding on the left side of the house from when you were learning how to parallel park Bobby’s truck. This was one of the moments you were going to miss. Your heart ached as you glanced over at the spot that Rumsfeld had sat the last time you had seen him. Damn demons. Why always hurt innocent animals?

Bobby was passed out when you got there at his desk, so you didn’t bother to wake him. After so many years, he didn’t wake when he heard you, but you knew he did because a little smile would pull at his lips as he continued to snooze away.

Laying in your bed, you tried to find something to keep you awake, but alas you also succumbed to the sandman only for the harsh light of day to awake you.

“Morning Bobby,” you smiled as you walked to the kitchen.

“Thought I wouldn’t be seeing you for a while?”

“Changed my mind,” you shrugged as you attempted to pour yourself coffee, but there was enough left for a mouse.

“Have anything to do with Sam and Dean coming back in a few hours?” You could hear the skeptical chuckle in his voice.

“We’re out of coffee,” you stated to change the subject.

“Forgot to make a run to the store,” he responded. “Need milk too if you’re running anywhere. Whiskey would be nice.”

You nodded with a smile as you grabbed your keys. Giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, you made your way out.

————-

“Bobby!” Dean called out as he entered the house, Sam trailing behind him.

“Living room.”

“Hey ya Bobby,” Dean smiled. “Where’s Y/N? Thought she’d be here by now?”

“Just missed her,” Bobby replied with a raise of his brow. “She’ll be back soon. What brings you back?”

“Need to work on Baby,” Dean replied while peering through the fridge. “Any grub?”

“Whatever you make,” Bobby snorted while raising his eye to Sam.

Sam just shook his head with a disapproving glare towards Dean. They watched as Dean grabbed a cold piece of pizza out and ate it as he headed out the back.

“He’s not good Bobby,” Sam spoke up. “He says he is dealing with it, but I don’t believe it. I don’t know what to do. All I feel is this guilt and shame of how I treated dad, but Dean? He idolized him.”

“We all deal with things differently, Sam. Some of us think of the past, some the future.”

“That’s what you think he’s doing? Thinking of the future?”

Bobby took in a deep sigh before responding.

“Sam. Some of us know when our time is close to up, especially in this life,” Bobby thought of Y/N and everything he’d been telling himself for 9 years. “Too many lucky breaks start adding up. We can prepare people to live on without us. That’s what John prepared him for. For the day when he wouldn’t be here, but no matter what, when the day comes it still hurts like hell. And the only thing we can think about is time and how long will we survive without them.”

“Tell me what to do Bobby,” Sam pleaded.

“Just give him time,” Bobby replied while patting Sam on the shoulder as he walked out. “Give it time.”

———-

You walked into the front door with grocery bags in your arms. Bobby was standing idly by the kitchen window, staring out intently.

“What’s up Bobby?”you asked as you sat down the bags.

“Boys are back,” he replied without looking. “And they’re falling apart.”

“What?” You asked as you stood next to him to watch what looked like Sam and Dean arguing.

“Dean is doing what he does best, ignoring his feelings and keeping his head on what he can do while Sam is stuck in the what if’s.”

“What’s the plan?” You sighed. “How do we fix them?”

Bobby shook his head with a low chuckle as he looked over to you.

“You don’t remember how stubborn you were when Danny passed away? No one could say or do anything for you. You had to figure it out for yourself,” he nodded to the window as you watched Sam walk away from Dean. “Just like they’ll have to.”

Bobby walked away back to his desk. Sam walked past you and him, going straight to the upstairs without saying a word. You looked back outside to watch Dean pace around before lifting the crowbar in his hands in a rage and smash it against Baby’s trunk. The action shook you. He loved that car. A gift from his dad...his dad’s car. That’s what it was. Everything he couldn’t say to his dad, all the anger was coming out on the one thing that he had left of him. You felt a ping of sadness for him as he continued to smash it against the trunk. He really wasn’t okay. Although Bobby told you to give them time, you knew that was one thing you didn’t have.

“Hey,” you called out as you walked out the door, Dean pacing around with his hands resting on his head. “There’s an easier way to change the trunk out besides smashing it.”

“Not in the mood,” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Good, because neither am I,” you sassed back. “Come on. Get cleaned up. We’re going for a drive.”

“No,” he dropped down his hands to pick the crow bar back up.

“I didn’t think I asked Winchester,” you argued back firmly. “Now come on. We’re losing daylight. I don’t have all year.”

You waited patiently for him outside while smoking a cigarette. He walked out a bit cleaner and gave you a turnt up nose look.

“You smoke?”

“Sometimes,” you shrugged.

“Those will kill you, you know what right?”

“Yeah, this’ll kill me,” you laughed as you put it out with your boot. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we off to?”

“Watertown,” you replied as you opened your car door.

“And why are we driving almost two hours away?”

“If you need to fix a Chevy, ya gotta go see Chevy,” you smiled back making him furrow his eyes to you. “Just get in ya idjit. I’d like us to finish that car before the end of the world.”

“Us?”

“Obviously you need some help and it just so happens that I am well versed in putting back together cars. A hobby someone suggested a long time ago,” you winked, making Dean shake his head while trying to hide his smirk.

The car ride wasn’t horrible; more awkward than anything. He didn’t say a word and you just sang along to the radio. Before you knew it you were at Chevy’s junkyard. Obviously by his name you could always find a piece or two that you needed replaced. Like a bumper a shifter made an imprint in or a new hood from a vampire jumping on it. Never asked questions and always had something for you in stock. He was bound to have something for Baby.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” the old grey haired chubby man smiled as you walked up to his trailer/office. “What’d we break now?”

“Hey Chevy. It’s not for me this time. I need parts for a ‘67 impala. What do you have laying around?” You questioned as you watched his eyebrow raise.

“‘67 huh?” He looked over to Dean. “You wouldn’t happen to be John Winchester’s son would ya?”

“Yes sir,” Dean spoke firmly but cautiously in case this was one of many people who his dad pissed off. “You know him?”

“He’d been here a few times getting stuff to fix up that ‘ol girl of his. Sorry to hear about his passing.”

“Word spreads quick,” Dean rolled his eyes a little.

“Good man, that John,” Chevy went on. “Stubborn as all hell, but one hell of a hunter.”

Dean was obviously getting a bit iterated but the kind words of Chevy; so you decided to step in to change the subject.

“So you got them parts?”

“I got maybe one or two in the back that might work. What all do you need?”

“Almost everything but the frame,” you replied for Dean.

“Well give me a couple of hours and I’ll dig one of ‘em up for you. I’ll even get Ted around here to tow it to Bobby’s. Which I am guessing is where you just came from, it being your birthday and all.”

“Thanks Chevy,” you smiled.

He walked away as you turned away yourself, Dean following closely behind.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?”

“Because it’s not.”

“But that guy-“ Dean started to ask while pointing to Chevy’s trailer.

“It was yesterday,” you informed him. “It’s done and over now. Just another day. Ready to head back?”

“Wait, wait,” Dean moved quickly to the front of you to stop you in your tracks. “You mean to tell me that first, I forgot it was your birthday and second, here you are helping me out. No, we’re celebrating.”

“I’m good,” you rolled your eyes, attempting to move past Dean but he stopped you. “What?”

“Come on. It’s the least I could do to say thanks for everything you’ve done.”

“And what have I done?” You asked out loud.

“Besides sell my soul and get 10 years left to live,” you said to yourself.

“You’re here,” he shrugged sheepishly. “You’re not trying to say you’re sorry and fix me. You’re treating me like a normal person.”

“Am I not supposed to?”

“Apparently not,” Dean sighed with a roll of his eyes. “Everyone keeps telling me that they’re sorry for my loss and hope that I am okay. I don’t know who is just okay with their dad dying, but I’m handling it. Baggage and all.”

“What baggage?” Your brow raised.

“John wasn’t the world's best dad. You know that. He put a lot on me all the time, even up until the end. I’m angry at him and I hate it.”

“Sounds like you need a drink more than me,” you gave a small smile to him while he furrowed back at you. “ Come on. We’ll have one and head back. You’re buying though since I guess it is my birthday.”

GiGi’s tavern was a little hole in the wall, but it worked. One drink quickly turned into two, and two turned into a pitcher. After hot wings and pizza while reminiscing about past hunts, you started to get that feeling back that you had all those years ago. The weird turning of your insides that felt like butterflies.

“Yeah, well then Sam drove the impala into the house and whooosh she burned up quickly after seeing her kids,” Dean’s words caught you out of your trance. “Guess she didn’t want to face what she did. Took me a week to fix the damages on Baby.”

“Sounds like fun,” you mumbled while taking a sip of your beer.

“Thank you,” he said as he put his hand on yours that was resting on the table, making the butterflies even worse.

“For what?”

“Listening. Being a friend.”

Friend. The word hurt you like a thousand knives aimed for your heart. But why? That’s all you could be. That’s all you would allow it to be.

“Welcome,” you smiled while moving your hand away from his. “We should probably get back soon. It’s getting late.”

“We don’t have to go back tonight. We could crash here.”

“We’re only two hours away from home. We should be back by midnight. One at the latest, unless there’s a reason you don’t want to?”

“Not really interested in hearing Sam whine again right away.”

“It’s that bad huh?”

“He wants to avenge our dad, like it’s our duty. He’s not even thinking of going back to Stanford. But there’s no trail, nothing. And even if we find the bastard, the colt is gone so there goes that.”

Your ears perked up that the colt was gone. Damn it. There goes your ticket out.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Keep working on Baby, and go our separate ways,” Dean shrugged while taking a sip of his beer. “It’ll be better for him.”

“Bullshit,” you blurted out. “ There’s no way that you’re just going to go your separate ways. All those stories that you told tonight, there was one common factor- Sam. You like having him around, hunting together. He’s family, you’re not going to abandon him. Especially if he’s not giving up.”

“Where would I even start?”

“No fucking clue,” you responded with a shrug. “But you both won’t do this alone. Bobby and I will be there to help.”

“You’re not in a hurry to run off on a solo adventure?” Dean raised his brow.

“I’ll be around,” you shrugged again. “Who knows, more eyes and ears to the ground you might find something. The thing is though, you have to be honest about what the hell is going on.”

“You know all there is,” Dean shifted a bit in his seat, making it obvious that he was holding back something. “Yellow eyes probably has the colt and he’s gone. Killed my dad. The end.”

“So not a lot to go on.”

“Nope.”

“We’ll figure this out. We have to.”

“Why do we have to?” Dean asked skeptically.

“Because you’re not really going to rest until you kill that son of a bitch. I know it and you know it.”

He stared at you for a minute before shifting his eyes down to his beer. He did know it, but there was something else he wasn’t saying. Something he was afraid of.

“Anyways,” you said to break the awkward silence. “Like I said. You got me to help.”

Dean continued to stare off, leaving you to roll your eyes as you got up from your seat. You couldn’t sit there anymore with him wallowing in his own self pity. Sure he may want revenge, but it’s not like he had a freaking doomsday clock chiming away.

You made your way to the bathroom, the smell of urine and vomit was enough to make you gag. It was an excuse to walk away though, to a place he wouldn’t follow you. You allowed the cold water from the sink to run through your fingers before splashing some on your face. You felt anger towards John and the whole situation. Dean, not knowing, was only making it worse. But he couldn’t know. It would break him.

“Keep it together Y/N,” you whispered to yourself.

You stared at your reflection in the dirt stained mirror. The dark circles around your eyes seemed darker. The wrinkles next to your eyes seemed deeper. What the hell? Your face in the mirror started twisting in agony over and over until it stopped and your eyes blinked, showing nothing but darkness...black eyes. Your heart felt like it was about to burst from your chest as you cocked back your fist and slammed it into the mirror, shattering it into a thousand little pieces. Your reflection in the broken pieces all over the sink and floor was back to normal. You glanced down to your hand to see the deep cuts now on your knuckles. You grabbed a paper towel and quickly wrapped it up to go back out to the table . Whatever the hell just happened, you didn’t want to wait for more.

“Hey,” Dean looked up to you, before stopping as soon as he saw your hand. “You okay? What happened?”

“I got mad at the mirror,” you lied, well sort of, making Dean begin to reach for your hand, but you pulled back quickly. “Not really, just clumsy in there. Let’s get going before I have to pay for it.”

“Y/N,” Dean sighed as he grabbed you by your arm to stop you. “I’m sorry if I have upset you.”

“This wasn’t you. Just an accident,” you flashed a tight lipped smile. “Come on.”

“Well let's at least get it cleaned up.”

You wanted to argue. It wasn’t even that bad. Just a few scratches, you had thought as the blood soaked through the towel. Maybe not. You just wanted out of this place and whatever hoodoo was going on, but he was persistent, so you agreed. Didn’t want to explain how for some reason you were going crazy and seeing things.

After allowing him to drive (which took everything in you to agree to because you were “hurt”), you made your way to the closest gas station for a first aid kit. You shot down Dean’s proposal to get a hotel room for the night so he can clean you up and either of you wouldn’t have to worry about driving tired.

“Come on ya stubborn ass,” Dean firmly stated. “I’m tired, you’re hurt. We can go back tomorrow. No funny games, I promise.”

That was the part you were worried about. A hotel alone with Dean? Definitely nothing good could happen there. So why did it sting when he said no funny games? You finally agreed as he sat in protest until you said yes.

It wasn’t that much further down the road when you got to the room. You almost clocked out the guy behind the counter when he asked if you wanted it ‘by the hour’. Luckily Dean put him in his place right away by flashing his fake fed badge when he pulled out the credit card, stating ‘official business’. Also the sight of the pearl handled gun on Dean's hip probably made him shit himself.

“Room 14,” Dean stated as you approached the door down the long corridor.

For shit hole hotels, this wasn’t that bad. Didn’t smell as moldy as most. You glanced around the room. Two beds, good. Free cable, alright. Mini bar, jackpot. You went to grab a small bottle out when Dean grabbed your hand gingerly instead.

“Come on, let'sf clean you up.”

“It’s not even bleeding anymore,” you lied as you pulled away. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t be a bitch,” Dean huffed out as he rolled his eyes. “Just let me help you.”

“I’ve had worse. This is nothing,” you snarled as Dean removed the towel you had over it that was now drenched in blood.

“You need stitches.”

“Then I’ll need some whiskey too.”

“Got a kit anywhere?” He asked as he inspected your wound on your hand, still holding it gingerly until his own.

“In the trunk, a leather pouch.”

“I’ll be right back,” he said as he let go, causing your hand to suddenly become very cold with the absence of him. You felt yourself longing again for the slightest touch of his coarse hands. The pit of unease grew in your belly. Be careful, Y/N. Don’t allow your heart to take over your head.

As Dean walked back in, you quickly slammed back the tiny bottle of Jim Beam that was in the bar. The burning cool wasn’t enough to quiet the racing thoughts as he stripped off his flannel over shirt and exposed a tight white t-shirt stretched across his abdomen. The lump in your throat grew too large to swallow as he grabbed at your hand again.

“Not going to lie,” he looked into your eyes. “This is going to hurt like hell.”

You braced yourself as he grabbed a little bottle of vodka and poured it over your hand to stop any infection. The burn caused you to wince until he gently blew on it to ease the pain. His perfect pink lips squished together took your attention away from everything else in the world.

“Now the hard part,” he stated as he took out a needle and thread, burning the end of the needle with a zippo retrieved from his pocket. “Hold still.”

You braced yourself as you felt the needle penetrate your skin. The tickle of the thread as he pulled it gently through startled you for a minute. You had done this so many times to yourself, but this was different. Not rushed or harsh, but more calming. Like a gentle moment of being taken cared of- almost like you were being loved.

“It’s not the best job,” he commented as he cut the thread. “But it will do the trick.”

“Thank you,” you whispered as your eyes stayed on his hand holding yours. The pit continued to grow, making you feel breathless. You didn’t even realize that you were slowly trembling apart.

“Are you okay?” Dean remarked with noticing your quakes.

“I’m fine,” you pulled your hand away and held it against your chest. “Just hurts.”

“Well, we have about 4 mini bottles of alcohol left and a bottle of Advil,” Dean informed you as he got up from his seat. “Anything else I can get you?”

“Chocolate and salt and vinegar potato chips,” you said out loud.

“That’s a weird combination,” he chuckled.

“It’s comfort food,” you shrugged before you quickly realized that your cravings were due to something else coming soon.

“ Anything else?”

“Um…tampons?” You sheepishly stated.

Dean let out a low chuckle with a subtle roll of his eyes before for he nodded and went on his way.

You felt relieved as he walked away. One more minute and you might have lost yourself. It was just hormones causing this feeling inside of you. That’s all. Nothing more… nothing less.

____

“Okay, my turn,” Dean said as he tossed some peanut M&M’s in his mouth. “Never have I ever gotten stabbed by a witch.”

“Oh come on,” you grumbled. “I told you that story earlier!”

“I know,” he smirked. “Drink.”

When Dean arrived back there was nothing but uncomfortable silence for a while that would make a deaf man stir crazy. You couldn’t sleep, your nerves were too wound up as he lounged on the bed, now in just his boxers and tshirt as his pants soaked in the bathroom to rid themselves of the drops of blood that had accidentally dripped from your hand. He suggested a drinking game since there was nothing else to do. You reluctantly agreed, knowing you were playing with fire.

As you pulled the bottle back from your lips from the case of beer Dean had grabbed on his run, you thought of all the things you could ask. None sounded enlightening enough to not give away what you really wanted to know.

“Never have I ever been in a serious relationship,” you stated before nibbling on your lip.

“Define serious?”

“Longer than a week,” you giggled. “More than just sex. Someone that actually knows you and what you do.”

Dean took out a deep breath before he took back a drink.

“Oh really?”

“Her name was Cassie,” he said. “I told her everything and she freaked out. I saw her a little while ago, saved her life from some ghost in a truck.”

“And?” Your heart began to race as you admitted that after all this time, there was someone else he allowed into his life.

“And, I realized that it was more physical than anything else,” he shrugged. “She doesn’t get the craziness. Not like you.”

“What about me?” You scrunched up your nose.

“You get it. Hell, you could have done anything with your life and you still chose this.”

“I didn’t exactly choose this,” you rolled your eyes as you took a drink.

“What do you mean?”

“Family dead and raised by hunters,” you replied. “Think I could just go off and be a school teacher when I’m thinking about vampires and demons outside the door?”

“You’d be a hot school teacher though,” he smirked as he took another sip causing you to blush. “Okay, my turn.”

“I’m going to need another beer probably, ya cheater,” you laughed.

“Never have I ever forgotten about what it was like to kiss you,” the words fell off his lips with such sincerity that you felt the pang in your chest. With a long pause, he waited patiently for any indication of your response. “Are you going to drink or…”

“I think we should stop playing,” you stated as you got up from your seat on the edge of the bed.

“Not until you answer. What's the harm in that?”

“No, I don’t know what it is like to kiss me,” you mocked.

“You know what I mean,” he smirked. “I’ve thought about it every day since and every moment I’m with you.”

“Dean-“

“You don’t have to say it, but I know you’ve thought about it too,” he said as he moved closer to you.

“No, I haven’t-“ you lied.

“Liar,” he smirked again. “I may not be the smartest person in this room, but I can read people. I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, the way you move away, but grow near at the same time.”

“You don’t know what you're talking about.”

“Then kiss me and tell me I’m wrong,” he challenged.

Your mind quickly envisioned the feeling of his lips on yours, his hands grasping at your hair as your tongues danced. But what then? Would you even be able to stop?

“I’m not going to kiss you Dean.”

“Is that because you don’t want to or you're afraid to?”

He could read you. You were scared. Scared at what this would mean if you allowed yourself to feel for him. To fully be with him.

“I’m not scared of anything,” you felt a tear roll out the corner of your eye.

As you tried to hide the tear that had escaped, Dean moved closer to you to the point of being mere inches from your face. You could feel his breath on yours as he brushed your hair out of your face before cupping it. Out of automatic reaction, you nestled into his hand.

“Tell me not to and I won’t.”

You wanted to scream for him to stop, to push him away, but you couldn’t. Your body wouldn’t allow you to even move. Like a magnetic pulse you were pulled towards him.

“I don’t do serious,” you managed to breathe out with a quaking breath.

“Me either,” he softly spoke as his lips grew closer to yours.

It was like you were possessed as your eyes shut in response as you felt his lips brush onto yours. Slowly, soft yet firm. But only for a moment. His hands grasping at the back of your head caught you by surprise as his lips pushed deep into yours, pushing them apart vigorously. It’d be a lie to say you tried to fight it, but you felt yourself melting into him. Your lips moving with his; tongues dancing their own melody. His hand was twisting into your hair, pushing you deeper, his other gently squeezing your ass. Your arms fell on top of his shoulders, pulling him in. The kiss continued, as you felt his hand drop from your hair and settle on the other side of your ass.

He pulled away slowly, lips pink and swollen.

“Dean,” escaped your lips as you caught your breath.

“Tell me you feel that too,” You looked into his emerald eyes, sparkling at you and pleading for an answer. A pit in your stomach said to walk away, but the ache in your heart wanted him more.

You pushed your lips on his again, falling deeper and deeper into the midst of pleasure. Your head was spiraling as you felt the heat rise. You knew it was wrong, but hey, you were going to die anyway in a year. Did you really want to go without knowing? What his touch felt like on your bare skin, what his kiss felt like with his lips pressed deeply into yours? You definitely were down the rabbit hole now and there was no turning back.

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[of-the-wingwatchers]

update: i've finished the book and here's some of my thoughts, kind of tired and have been burnt out on the third arc/wof for a while so it's not going to be too detailed. but to summarize without spoilers i have a mostly neutral-positive opinion on this book - if you disagree or agree that's fine, these are just my personal thoughts regarding tfoh. these might change with time as i did just finish it for the first time - note that everything beyond this point of the post is not spoiler free

i think i generally liked how Luna's character was handled? i liked her fair enough compared to most of the third arc protags. and honestly i found her relatable to some extent

i do like the background on the Scorching n such and how it happened was alright ig (just mostly neutral on it) but. still kind of wish that it had been its own thing that could've had its own book? idk how to explain it really

Axolotl is good. i like them

i honestly wish Raven and Mole had appeared more in the book, as well as Vole? like the previous book definitely felt like it was setting up for Raven to be a more important character and she's just. the prologue pov and appears in a few scenes later on but that's it. i'm a little biased because i do actually like Raven from what little we're given in tdg and in the prologue of tfoh, as well as Mole. so it's kind of a shame that neither of them or Vole really...got much focus, or that little compared to what was sort of implied in tdg

honestly i personally don't mind if there's a dragon-human relations arc at this point and ik i'm in the small, small minority but. honestly idk i feel it's both more suited for a potential L2 sequel and/or that it's kind of just going to be wasted potential (which is honestly how i sort of feel about this book)

in addition i personally just didn't mind the human stuff but that might also just be due to bias. even then i still think a lot of it could've been handled better (and i personally don't feel it took up too much of the book? like w/ Cottonmouth and Freedom it felt kind of expected that it would go into that because their backstory directly involves the Scorching. but like i wouldn't say it took up too much of the plot but then again i'm kind of just burnt out of this arc's plot)

at least the HiveWings weren't completely treated like they did nothing wrong and there wasn't the constant "not all HiveWings" shit in this one? idk it was just a lot more tolerable in this one than in previous books. still irritating to some degree and still makes me uncomfy as a poc but it didn't. feel as bad in this one ig (please don't argue w/ me over this)

honestly i find it hard to hate this book but at the same time i wouldn't say i liked it either? idk it's a bit weird. again i just don't care for the third arc and generally ignore it when it comes to personal wof aus but like. there was some stuff i liked here. but most of it i don't think i particularly cared much for

i do appreciate the mlm representation though especially as someone who's sometimes mlm (as well as the non-binary rep for similar reasons)

in general i just feel like this book didn't really tie up many loose ends or really. explained some things brought up in previous books? or maybe that's just personal feelings? idk, but it does feel like that and sort of feels incomplete like that. and honestly it makes me wish that the arcs weren't set to being just five books per arc because it feels like a lot of stuff was crammed in here but not enough at the same time. and i think it's mostly that aspect of it that really holds it back for me (then again i am burnt out of wof, especially the main arcs. so it could just be a personal nitpick). ik this could always be touched on later in a future book/arc but...it's just odd for me when looking at this book specifically, especially when it's the conclusion for this arc

at the same the previous point might also just be that i do find some things with the third arc overall very messy or it at least gives me that vibe

my gripes aside i do think this book might be tied with tdg in terms of my liking for the third arc books. i think both have their issues and both have their strengths (or at least things i liked?) and it kind of makes up for it since i. didn't really enjoy the first few books in this arc (tpj was my most preferred over the three but. otherwise yeah i kind of just didn't like them that much if i'm being honest)