#ignore me i was in public again
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What do you take me for. No, seriously, what you take me for? In passing, what traits do you decide are those that matter? Do they make you smile or grumble under your breath about kids these days and Internet tenderqueers? Do you account for a margin of error, do you allow even in this briefest estimate the possibility that this is just one facet of a nebulous multidimensional personhood, or would it bring you more comfort to think of me as a background character, face half-erased and one prominent feature exaggerated to distinguish me from the crowd of stick figures? If I got so close I could see the reflection in your eyes, whose reflection would it be?
Would it have my smile? Would it make me flinch?
What do you take me for
#ignore me i was in public again#touching grass is cool but being perceived as a semi-passing trans disabled person is such a mindfuck#we had the loveliest conversation and you could never guess my name right#we chatted briefly about books and you would never guess i have anything to do with sports and shoveling snow in a small village far away#i made up a job for myself on the spot to not have to explain why I'm still in highschool#because otherwise the nature of the conversation would instantly change#you smiled so warmly at the person that you saw and i wish that was truly directed at me
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💖 Day 3.5 is now available! 💖
For the last couple of months, only Server Boosters had access to the 3.5 update... Buuuuut now it's available for everyone to play in the 14DWY Discord — and soon itch.io once I'm happy with the QA and state of the game — so please don't feel pressured to join unless you want to!!
The full devlog + even more screenshots are under the cut ^^
What's been added to the 3.5 version?
📺 Streamer Mode!
I've been told that it's difficult to stream and monetise age-restricted videos on YouTube and Twitch, so I added an option to remove the sexual content and strong language used in the demo.
Now y'all can invite Ren into your bed for cuddles without putting your streamer career on the line /silly /lh
This won't affect the 18+ rating or dark themes/elements of the game, however! Although Streamer Mode will prevent you from seeing any "gruesome" CGs in the future, most of the core elements of the game will still be tied to the choices and decisions you make. So you won't miss out on the overall experience by using streamer mode!!
⚙️ Custom Pronouns!
It only took me one entire year to get around to it, but you can finally choose your own preferred pronouns (or use a set of pronouns instead)... At the cost of being able to change them mid-game ^^;
Since the original pronoun screen wouldn't update until a new scene was displayed, I temporarily disabled the feature. But once I find a workaround, I'll bring it back!
💗 Choose how others perceive you!
You can now choose how the cast and narration perceive you! Originally, the narration was kept strictly gender-neutral (outside of pronouns and genitalia picked by the player), but this will soon change in future updates.
For more clarity: you don't get to choose the words specifically, but you can choose between masculine, feminine, and androgynous terms!
📋 Separate top and bottom genitalia!
You can now choose your tatas and pps separately! >:3
Alongside that, you can also choose your preferred body type!
I removed the "both" genitalia option because a few players still assumed it was an obscure version of "intersex". That wasn't my intention and I don't want to mislead anyone, so I took it out for now ^^;
I also didn't want to include a screenshot of the new genitalia choices in action (because it's NSFW), so y'all get the same character menu screen for the nth time instead lmao
📱 Relationship Screen Overhaul!
You can now change your own status for more immersion, and long-term Server Boosters will eventually be able to submit and use their own icon within the game as well!
Stalking finding your friends has now become easier by using "Buddy Maps"; a new app that allows you to see the location of all the cast members!
I want to offer players more incentive to check the relationship screen since they tend to miss the status updates, so hopefully this might help ;v;
It also says it "updates every few hours" so folks don't go overboard and check every 5 seconds to see where Ren is gdsghf (also keep in mind that he's a hacker lol)
🖤 Additional Scenes Update!
Day 2 received a brand new CG!!!!! Originally, I planned on only adding a few CGs sporadically throughout the game, but it didn't feel right to leave Day 2 so... empty... so I added a brand new CG to (hopefully) make things feel more balanced and natural!
If you decline Teo's offer on Day 3, Leon will now call and try to convince you to reconsider. However, players are still allowed to decline, and if they do, they'll reach a dead end.
After listening to feedback on itch, I changed some of the dialogue during Days 1-3 to make it seem more consistent! They're only small changes though, so it's honestly not worth looking for sdgjssga
🎶 Updated BGM and SFX!
I wanted to try out a different style of music to see if it fits the vibe of 14DWY more! The BGM features more acoustics to suit the "beachy" theme of Corland Bay, though I made a conscious effort to include piano elements as well to stay true to the original!!
I figured it'd be better to give players a live example before I make a poll (to see if they prefer the change or not) and publish it to Itch.
Some new SFX have also been added, though it's very minimal and honestly not that noticeable.
How to download and play the update?
(warning: clicking on the following links will open Discord!!) To download the Day 3.5 update, simply join the 14DWY Discord server, verify your age, and visit the "14dwy-updates" channel!
Alternatively, you can also wait until the update is publicly released on Itch to play it as well!! (It normally gets released shortly after a round of QA testing/getting feedback from the server, though I may release it earlier if I feel like it hehe ^^)
Enjoy!!
#14 days with you#14dwy#💖 — 14 days with queue.#🖤 — updates.#🖤 — spoilers.#I'm not gonna say much about my current doxxing situation because I've got it under control now + it's being handled privately#Plus I don't wanna give it/the people involved any unnecessary attention. I just wanna announce the update and Get Back To It™️#(''it'' bein the grind 💪 It never stops lmao /silly)#OG followers will also know that these topics aren't the vibe I normally have on this blog (or any of my accounts); so I don't think I'll—#—make ANOTHER public post about the situation and bring more attention to it (when I just want everything to be over and put to rest ^^;)#However I also don't want people to think that I'm... ignoring?? the situation entirely (because gettin doxxed is a very endangering thing)#So I DO want to quickly acknowledge it here and say that it's all currently handled + I'm safe and okay + this won't stop me from—#—continuing to work on 14DWY (and other future projects). I also don't want to give these awful people more power and incentive to continue#—this kind of pathetic behaviour; so the less attention and encouragement being shown will ultimately be better in the long run :3#Aaaaaanways!! 😮💨#My other accounts will be restored shortly and my askbox will be opened once I feel comfortable. I'll get around to following folks—#—again in my own time; so please don't feel offended if I unfollowed you during a moment of vulnerability and anxiety!!#This is all EXTREMELY overwhelming and scary for someone with SAD/AvPD; and I /gen can't handle seeing it all over my timeline ;v;#Sorry this got ranty and personal again hjdsgjsdh T_T I said I wouldn't say much; so I'll shut up now hehe#🖤 — shut up sai.
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That one square wheels episode of mythbusters, am I right?
#my art#stanley pines#stanford pines#fiddleford mcgucket#young stanford pines#young stanley pines#young fiddleford#mystery trio#I guess?? it is the three of them.#yes yes I did chop the mullet off but he might grow it out again but with proper hair care.#mysterybusters au#it’s a good idea. trust. mythbusters but it’s a Gravity Falls public access television series run by these idiots.#I could not tell you which one of them would be the one jumping on the treads to make them fit on the wheel or who would get bigger treads#ignore the fact I can’t draw cars. google images was fighting me on references#I can’t decide wether or not stan should have his glasses at this point. because I’d imagine this is in the first month or two of them#running the show. so maybe 3 or 4 months after he and ford reconnect. hhhhmmmmmmmm#you can tell I drew fidds at like 1 am lol
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These are the guys who have total martial control over the center of the galaxy? are you sure?
#my art#spore#grox#spore game#3 foot tall fucked up alien cats#grox really just walk around like O_O . in PUBLIC#i wish spore fanfic was more popular i want to read about their space society. who said that#kicking my feet and spinning and smiling while thinking about alien biology and culture again#im not arguing with an alien with giant baby doe eyes. whatever you say beautiful#hey. gamer grox that bullies and gets bullied by other alien gamers. but that’s just a theory#they are like invader zim to me#have you guys actually listened to their voice files on the wiki#they’re sooo cool. like their voice boxes have been entirely replaced with cybernetics#with the glitches and stutters. honestly deserves more attention#if i had meds it'd be over for all of you#ignore my insane notes please#space playstation (completely normal playstation but drawn from memory)#trying to get a feel for how i want to draw these freaks#i say. like i have plans to draw them again#whatever maybe i just wanted to draw little guys. that doesnt mean im going to make a grox oc or anything#wipes sweat off brow#the internet is so crazy you can just draw whatever and post it. and sometimes people will even like it
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-whispers- Please, DC. Please just let them be gay. We've been waiting almost forty years.
#booster gold#michael carter#not sure how i feel about this issue yet#aside superman's revisionist history#which annoys me#but like-- yeah please keep treating booster like a serious hero#'cause he HAS BEEN SINCE 1986 FFS#also not sure why they're outright ignoring that his publicity thing#has been literally a cover since 2006#then again#this is dc we're talking about#plz don't kill him#also yes plz let him and ted be gay for each other on screen#since they've pretty much been gay for each other since they met
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she fits right in fr fr <3
#lets hope they don't uprise against me in some reverse toy story bullshit i'm done for#ignore old men wheelratch#once again bullshitting on this dog crap quality#ALSO THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE HASBRO TOY AND THE YOLOPARK COLOUR???????????? hot pink and mauve ig#it's devastating all the (general public) tf one elita toys/figures realessed (- one which is on the way) are in this photo THAT I KNOW OFF#but it's unlikely that I don't know any of the other figures released I mean ik there's the costume but that aint out here so 😚😚#and obvs the blokees coming out soon. Feel free to correct me if you know of more <3#elita one#tf one#tf one elita#elita 1#transformers#transformers one
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*lovingly tackles Aine*
Read my Yandere! Pierro longfics first ♪( ´▽`)
Last week, my beloved mutual @ainescribe surprised me with Savior! Darling fan art and AHAI9232@2-!/! CRYING SCREAMING I WANT TO LOOK AT THIS ART AND WORSHIP YOUR VERSION OF SAVIOR THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BLESSING ME WITH YOUR ART—
*clears throat* Anyway, now that I finally have the time to properly sit down and comment on the fan art, I’ll do just that. Feedback will be in the tags and it will be unhinged. Once again, thank you so much to Aine for drawing this <3
#feedback#fan art#ainescribe#AIIINE ;-; once again. thank you so much!! it rlly means a lot to me that you enjoyed my writing and felt inspired to draw this :'>#and as someone who loves fashion and character design. it's so so interesting to analyze your version of savior#there's so much symbolism and visual storytelling in each sketch/ outfit and i shall now proceed to pick apart each detail as best as i can#her snezhnayan fit.....god i love it. it's regal. distinctively snezhnayan. and draws attention to her--and you just know that was pierro's#intention when he dressed her in those garments. IT'S JUST SO...!! savior's wardrobe scrubbed clean of her original culture and preferences#replaced with the foreign garments of her captor's nations.....in line with this. i love how her kokoshnik and khaenri'ahn earrings are big#and attention-grabbing. you can't look at her without taking note of those accessories. it begs the question:: how many times has savior#looked at the mirror after being dressed up in snezhnaya and was unable to recognize her own reflection?? :'>#also shoutout to some details aine shared with me: 1) the face marks are inspired by weeping angels 2) the kokoshnik was traditionally worn#by married noblewomen BUT the veil was normally for unmarried women so savior's outfit can be seen as a form of compliance + rebellion#(though later on in history it became accepted for married women to also wear that veil. also my apologies if what i said is inaccurate)#lastly shoutout to savior's expression!! very poised and mysterious....due to her emotional state or pierro's rules on how to act as his#spouse in public?? we'll never know~ the first drawing hits even harder when you compare it to the next one!! such an interesting contrast~#savior in her plain attire. casual and domestic with a smile on her face....i'm guessing this is her pre-fatui version?? she looks so warm#and friendly. and i can definitely understand why pierro fell for her smile <3#also i fucking love the caption. sorry pierro but you are cursed to be a loser/ simp/ pathetic man in all of my fics and AUs xD#NOW ONTO GODDESS! SAVIOR AAAHHHH!! i love the greek goddess motifs. she looks so regal and awe-inspiring but in a different way from her#snezhnayan attire--archaic. divine. and more suited to her personal style.....yet both versions of her look so painfully isolated :'>#her blank eyes. emotionless face. and veil give me the vibes of a spooky victorian ghost...or would a statue/ portrait be more fitting??#the lack of a necklace is also an interesting design choice given what happens in the fic. and now i realized i forgot to comment on your#version of her snezhnayan necklace oops. similar to the kokoshnik and earrings. the size + grandeur makes it impossible to ignore#that and big jewels = expensive af. ohhh and i love the sparkles on her veil!! pierro rlly spared no expense in dressing up his wifey <3#it's also funny how all of these outfits are similar to my own version in terms of 'savior wore grand clothing during her glory days as a#goddess -> wore simple attire after her decline for practicality and to blend in with humans/ disassociate from her old identity -> is now#dressed in even grander clothing as the harbinger's spouse. but it's used to reinforce her new identity and pierro's control over her'#tldr:: your design is so creative and i can see the effort you put in analyzing her character and depicting her based on your interpretatio#thank you for being my mutual + reader and i hope we can share even more harbinger/darling brainrot in the future :>
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I'm not normally one to do anything more than lurk on social media. But 2 days ago I got properly introduced to omegaverse content after being to intimidated for a while, yesterday I discovered Let Me Try, and now I am tearing through LINK content like a rabid dog.
So uh
Thanks?
I still wanted to ask some questions if thats okay.
What are canon ages of the boys at the time of Close your Eyes and Lock Me In?
Do you have an idea of a time gap between those two stories? They seem to be the main points of reference of the timeline
Hello! Yayy, LINK's caught another one!! You're very welcomee heheh<3
Like all the other specifics for the stories, their ages / locations / accents etc. are a bit vague on purpose. I like to leave the room for everyone’s own imagination based on what they’re familiar with. It makes things a bit fuzzy for the timeline sometimes, but I just prefer having the blurred reality instead of basing it on real places and tracking a firm timeline.
But generally, I eyeball the gap between CYE and LMT to be maybe a couple of years.
The later on in the timeline we get with the newer published parts, I’ve been thinking that Kizzy, as the oldest of the four, are now getting closer to the mid-twenties mark and maybe over.
The age order is: Isac as the oldest (by two critical weeks🤺), then Kit, Liam’s a year younger, and then Nathan. -> Nat’s age difference to the others & the gap between the stories could technically vary +/- an extra year or so, depending on whatever length of uni you’d want to imagine.
So basically, the canon is vague and they are all twenty-ish something in CYE and LMT xx
#Sorry it's not a concrete answer :')#but maybe it answers something?#RAMBLE TAGS:#Looking back I can see that the way I write LINK#especially Kit / Iz / Liam#Skews a bit older than their ages in CYE#Based on my personal uni experience:#I think LINK would've been doing a lot more stupid shit if they were acting more “their age"#but then again#Lit has actual careers going that are demanding#And Nat's kinda just tryna survive#and Izzy is laser focused on his degree and probs has offers to join whichever publication he fancies before he's graduated#so keeping that up requires a level of maturity#yeah lets say that...#and ignore how CYE is basically just me wanting to write out all the mental health/psychology/therapy/trauma research#I've done in the past like 10 years#in story form#:')
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Sam, I get that you don't want to check on Gwen yourself cause your poor reaction caused her to blow up, but maybe trying to immediately use the situation to get your best friend Alice "I just finished explaining to you in detail why I'm not getting involved in this stuff" Dyer involved in this stuff isn't the best course of action
#samama khalid#tmagp#tmagp spoilers#tmagp 18#the magnus protocol#his reaction really upset me#gwen has been looking terrible for weeks now and the first time she tries to open up he laughs at her before she can finish her story#and then uses that to try to get alice to look into stuff again#even though she's told him so many times that she's ignoring it because getting interested is seriously dangerous#like I don't want anything BAD to happen to Sam#but I think he really deserves to have a spooky encounter soon#so that he might finally get the fact that this isn't just scary stories: it's potentially life-and-death#scheduling to post after public drop
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Consulted with a new therapist as our old one is quitting.
I sincerely don't want to go through this again. This will be my 5th therapist since moving to MN.
I'm tired of the endless cycle of
"6-12 months of info gathering and stabilizing" > "1-3 months of trauma processing" > "Have a massive reaction in session and regress" > "Suicidal ideation and negative symptoms flair up" > "Therapist gets scared to continue because they don't want to trigger ideation" > "Frustration brews between me and therapist" > "One of us quits on the other" > "Find a new therapist and start again"
Honestly? I'm tired. She volunteered that we could just deal with present issues of *checks notes* "Transgender people being politically and physically targeted by bigots during an endless pandemic" but why I'm in therapy is so that I stop living my life like I'm about to experience homelessness again or lose all my relationships in a heartbeat.
I barely go outside, I'm scared of people and have withdrawn so much of my life into a hard little shell that honestly it can hardly be called a life at all.
As much progress as we've made with our trauma triggers and our DID, we're WAY worse socially than we were when we were a closeted husk of a being pretending to be a guy. Blame the pandemic and the politics if you like but we're barely functioning and a decade plus of therapy has just made us hate ourselves for it less than we would otherwise.
It's so tempting to quit and pocket the money for the upcoming storms...
But to her credit when we mentioned our worries that DID in treatment looks fake because we have our symptoms managed she volunteered "You mean the McLean Hospital stuff", referring to a lecture given by the hospital a couple years ago about the "trend" of DID clients and how to differentiate real from "fake". That and assuring that she does not lead with an fusion model (she used the word "integration") helps me give a base level of trust.
But fuck I'm tired of being in stabilization forever.
#camden posting#did#personal#watch me post my trauma in public#this ignores the paranoid thinking too#worried our old therapist quit because we kept on acknowledging that as upset as we were about our vulnerability as transgender#we come from a privileged angle of someone who experienced safety from systemic prejudice#she once asked me if her racial identity was a barrier to therapy#and I worry that she paired me up with Generic White Woman to avoid that#not realizing that we swore to ourselves 2 years ago that we'd never seek out another cis white woman for a therapist ever again
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Another rambling thought, sort of stemming from the last thing, but what if Misfire gets so upset about Krok believing he's contacting his old squad, and pretending or implying that they're still alive, because he's harboring some sort of repressed grief over Thundersaur?
Thundersaur's dying request being to free Flyhigh before he ends up in jail for a dozen counts of "accidental" murder implies a certain kind of closeness or something felt towards Misfire. Yet, we don't really see anything returned from Misfire's side? Outside of the "-You're just jealous because you've never had someone look out for you." comment he makes in response to Spinister's disbelief towards him being the type to end up on someone's "dying wish list".
So, there's that. What can be gleaned from just that? Not much ig, at least nothing concrete. But taking into account Misfire's relationship with Grimlock, and Grimlock's later view of Connie, perhaps something can be assumed about his relationship with Thundersaur.
Whether I'm reading into it too much or not, there is a theme of a sometimes rough but well intended trickle down kindness when it comes to the Scavengers and their story.
A favor or act of kindness is shown to one, and they return it back or onto another, sometimes unintentionally. There's emphasized acts of selflessness with them, even though we know them to be quite selfish, which, really only emphasizes those moments more. If they were written as less of a joking break between the drama of the Lost Light cast, perhaps this theme would've played a deeper more defined role. But anyways, my subjective character favoritism aside.
The point here is Misfire cared for Grimlock, and in turn, Grimlock chooses to care for Connie because it's "his turn" to look after someone. One act of empathy leads to another. There's a time to decide when it's your turn.
So it's possible it goes further back because of that. Thundersaur cared for Misfire, then it was Misfire's "turn" and he cared for Grimlock, and Grimlock cared for Connie.
So why doesn't Misfire say or mention anything about Thundersaur? Grimlock cares a lot for Misfire, wouldn't Misfire have cared a lot for Thundersaur?
Well, in a way, there's a possible answer for that. Misfire is shown to be uncomfortable when faced with admitting he cares for people, or needs people. He's uncomfortable with vulnerability. He gets defensive and snappy when pressed about it, or he deflects it away from himself, which is somewhat of a stark change to his more casual dramatics and honest friendliness. So he doesn't like talking about how he feels, how he really feels.
But he also admits to Grimlock he understands missing the people you cared about. He admits this in connection to Grimlock recalling the last time he was with his "Dino-Buddies", just before Grimlock was taken to Garrus 9. Misfire "gets it", even though it's hard, he gets it.
With all that possibly pointless evidence, we can guess that yeah, Misfire did care for Thundersaur. It's just that he, like the rest of the Scavengers, has his own repressed and poorly managed issues relating to his past and his own negative emotions.
Also, the death thing. He's real casual about dead stuff. He exsanguinates and cannibalizes corpses as a job/hobby, and enjoys it. There's an implied acceptance that he's okay with the fact that the Scavs will eat each other as soon as someone happens to keel over, which includes him also being dead and eaten. He's cool with that, ig. Or at least, he's cool with eating the others if the situation presents itself.
So he's got a weird relationship with life and death. When you're alive, you're a friend. When you're dead? Well, it's not really you anymore, is it? It's not someone you care about anymore, it's just a corpse, not a person, it's just resources in an empty vessel, not a friend. Nothing worth getting emotional or upset about. Perfect for being comfortably detached.
Because this is getting way too long tho, here's the point I'm trying to get to.
Why does Misfire lose his shit a little when Krok starts panicking and trying to call for his squad? Here's my theory, I guess.
Thundersaur is dead. He died, and he's gone, and Misfire knows this. He wasn't there. He didn't get to say goodbye. He didn't get to return the favor or repay the debt. He didn't get to show Thundersaur that he cared for others too, that he passed that on.
But while he accepts it, he doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to dwell on it, doesn't want to acknowledge that he misses Thundersaur. He's dead, he's gone. So it doesn't matter. Misfire can't need him anymore, and he doesn't want to admit he needs anyone anymore, because someone he relied on is dead, and he wasn't there for them to rely on in turn.
So he doesn't think about it. But Krok does. Krok thinks about it, and talks about it, and still admits to needing his dead. Even if he won't acknowledge the fact that they're dead, and gone, and never coming back, no matter how much he wants or needs them anymore.
And it feels unfair, and Krok keeps unintentionally poking at that repressed grief Misfire won't touch. A reminder with every click of that dismembered finger, that you can't always just will away the grief of loss, of death. There's going to be reminders everywhere. Even close to you. And so, faced with reminder after reminder, the repression breaks, and Misfire snaps because-
They're all dead.
Krok's squad is dead. Thundersaur is dead. Why can't they accept that and just move on to never talking about it, never mentioning it, never thinking about it again?
Because, in their own ways, neither of them have ever truly moved on.
#ignoring my need for sleep once again to ramble mindlessly about my favorite fucked up blorbos. yaaay#i will die on the hill of misfire having a lot more complex depth than what we're given at face value. dudes got issues#but that could be said for any of the scavengers. don't get me started on fulcrum. also chock-full of fascinating issues#but for the lot of them. it really is just mental illness and trauma up the wazoo. but somehow Spin and Crank are the most stable. sorta#hopefully this makes sense tho. i mean. it either already really obvious and im just now getting it. or it doesnt make sense#part of me is like. oh. its probably already been discussed so theres no point in me saying the same things-#-but at the same time my blog is also like public blorbo notes. i'd accidentally delete it if it were in my actual notes lol. gotta save it#i need a rambling tag or smth. in case folks wanna block it maybe.#i'll sleep on it ig#i'm posting this at like 4am. so if there is spelling or autocorrect problems. whoops#hopefully its fine#i'll reread it later if i get the time#god. honestly this whole theory could be tossed out by the implications that they all just hate the clicking noise#like. it just really pisses everyone off. no deep meanings. just annoyance or overstimulation or smth idfk
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i always say im able-bodied bc i feel like it best describes my General Lived Experience but i do have that like. thing in my legs where if i walk briskly for some distance (like 500 meters) i get this crushing pain in my whole lower legs which gets worse and worse if i keep walking until i eventually have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for it to go away. which im still trying to get diagnosed bc so far artery scans and muscle ultrasounds render nothing. and ngl it is like, an issue often enough and is a pretty bothersome thing when it happens (like not only bc its extremely painful but also having to find some place to sit down in the middle of the street and having to stay there a while isnt awesome) so im not entirely sure "able-bodied" fully describes me but i also am not sure its a disability bc we dont know wtf it is. so i guess im kind of in a weird inbetween where i err on the side of just assuming its not a disability and its just like, an annoying body thing..
#97#i guess if it happened every single day or something i would probably feel more confident identifying it as like....#idk some type of disability or at least something worth integrating into my definition of my general health#and ensuing relationship to my body to the medical system etc etc#but bc it only happens when i walk briskly for a bit and i dont even go out for a walk every day it doesnt feel worth mentioning#anyway ive had this since 2019 or 2018 lol but the first round of attempted diagnosing i gave up early#and for a few years i just ignored it which is easier when i dont get out a lot anyway#but im currently in the process of attempting to figure out what it is again..#by september ill know if its compartment syndrome which has been brought up but is apparently unlikely#thats the last exam were doing so. if its not that then ngl idk what the next options are#bc this was everything my doctor could think of to explain it#another thing abt it not being diagnosed and not clearly being a disability is i dont dare ask for a seat in public when i need one lol#which has been an issue a few times where every seat is taken but i REALLY need to sit to stop the pain#if i could say 'excuse me i have (x thing) i really need a seat' id maybe dare to ask#but i dont manage to just be like 'hey could i get a seat my legs hurt' lol
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So guess who completely forgot that chocolate milk and strawberry milk is such a big internet thing and made a poll in the heat of the moment and now my inbox is full of T H E funniest tags but also now i can't find any of the non chocolate/strawberry milk debate stuff in the chocolate/strawberry milk flood i am drowning in
GOOD GOLLY
#i genuinely dont mind how bad im getting smoked because it is CO M E D Y G O L D#i will gladly put my dignity on the line in public as long as its a funny story later#the person i was debating with likes to scroll through the tags while im ignoring my phone#and read through her favorite of the mean choccy milk tags#right to me <3 its a good daily routine#anyway please universe do not let this one become a ten thousand billion note one i miss having like 12 notifications all about the blorbos#FR IM SURE I ALREADY SAID THIS BUT IF YOU NEED ME FEEL FREE TO SEND AN ASK and ill see it. late#the seeing it late is unrelated to the choccy milk thing#ive already made this announcement right before the poll thing#im making it again because theres a new reason im not seeing anybodys stuff#it is; being overwhelmed#in a good way i promise its really funny#but also oh gosh i have made a tactical error#i am lying in bed typing this instead of sleeping#if you read this far heres a fun fact for you; the human eye can percieve more shades of green than any other color#neat right#🟩📗🟢🍏🥗🥬💚♻️🐍🍃🌱🍀🤢🌲🌿#green :^)#ramblin
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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#i think im trying to hard to force myself to be okay and move on#but lets be honest these coming months are going to be hard as hell#specially when the boys start getting active again#what makes me worried is the fans and media that will definitely ask them about this loss#they were always asked about 1d and the reunion#dude this is just the worst nightmare and the worst thing that could ever happen to them#why?#why why why#so much to say so many thoughts so much hurt and anger#so much so much so much!#im obsessing over tumblr again but rhats bc im so so sad rn and ppl started sharing their grief again a bit#but i do need to try to not let it affect me too much. but also let myself feel it s bit. i try to not ignore it completely#maaan after all i have stuff to do a career to finish an internship to find family to talk to#bleughhj heavy heavy#public diary amirite#:/
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Just saw a BDSM educational post and it reminded me of how I had to bring up the topic to my mother the last time I was complaining about my ex.
Basically, what happened was, I have no good things to say about my ex. She's asked a couple times over the course of these months "what I learned from this relationship" (which was my first) and my only response was "I learned I deserved better and that I need to look for someone who will care for me how I care for them".
On our last talk, she proceeded to reply that this was "too narrowing", to which I gently explained it was not, and all the ways I cared for my ex that he didn't return even when I desperately, verbally asked. I ended this by concluding it was a matter of emotional maturity (not saying he wasn't mature, just that we were at different points, with different needs, and he could not meet mine), and that in hindsight, I should've not started that kind of relationship with him, since he never even filled out his document.
And then I had to explain the Document.
You see, I put it shortly to her, I made a document detailing the kind of things I was interested in, sexually. I described what places I felt I'd like to be touched, the things I'd like to do, the things I was open to try and the ones I would decline. I made it readable, with separated topics, and had a blank version for my then-partner to simply fill out. I knew he didn't like to write much so I made it easy to check options, with minimal writing. I gave that to him, and he never filled it up.
She was flabbergasted that I'd do such an un-romantic thing, describing it as "detached" and "like work" and "who would want to sign a document before having a relationship, where did you get this idea from?"
I paused for a moment. "Do you know BDSM?" She did not. I explained what the acronym meant. She was not happy as she asked what that had to do with anything, and where I heard of such things. "Well," I started from the beginning. "You know about 50 Shades of Grey, right?"
I explained to her how, in the boom of the book's popularity, the most important aspect every critic brought up was how the story was, in fact, not displaying BDSM as it advertised, but instead abuse. I proceeded to relate how that got me to read about BDSM, and how consent and guidelines and communication were such an important part of it, how "scenes" need a lot of prep work and how people deeply care for each other.
There was nothing quite like the joy I felt as her expression mellowed, especially as I reminded her that it was my first relationship, and I came up with the document as a guideline, as a safety, as a way of communicating my needs and to hear back from my partner. "But he didn't fill it" she replied, now fully supportive of the document. "Why did you still date him?"
It cut a little deeper than I expected, even now, reminiscing of those words. "It was my first time," I remember shrugging, "and I trusted him."
That was the end of it. I'd love to have a happy ending to add, about how I moved on and found a wonderful person who filled their Document and I am now in a loving relationship with, but there's none of that. Maybe I'll never find anyone who'd do this for me. Maybe my level of maturity doesn't have a match, and my needs are too much for any partner to deal with. Honestly, the only thing I need as I'm typing this is a job, so I could have at least a semblance of financial security. I couldn't care less about intimate relationships right now.
But, all that said, I really wanna thank the BDSM community for all their teachings on consent, and trust, and on how to make things good for all parties involved. I could see the understanding in my mom's eyes with my (honestly probably mediocre) explanations. Of course she knew the difference between a relationship where you feel safe and one where you're just going with the flow, but I could tell she became aware of it while I was talking. I'm sure we both came out of that conversation with a little more knowledge in our minds.
#rambly#i think it bears to say that me and my ex never dated#we were friends who became housemates and less than a month into it i kinda proposed the romantic aspect to him while drunk#he accepted it happily and i came up with the document a week after#which as stated he proceeded to ignore for the year and a half we were together#but yeah in hindsight it pretty much started straight up as a marriage. very slim chance something like this would work out#i'm still bitter about the last time we met and i was so naively begging to stay friends with him#before going to sleep and being hit by a rush of cold as i woke up and realized just how royally he fucked me over#by never telling me he wanted out of the relationship after i had a meltdown and was rude to him and his mom in public#that fucker'd rather stay in a loveless marriage to a person he wasn't even married to. and he still said he 'liked' me. that was torture#i hope he lives to be 100yo. i hope he's locked in the loveless marriage he wanted. i hope she's better than me and cheats on him#and i hope he converted evangelical because he better pray i never meet him again
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