#we were friends who became housemates and less than a month into it i kinda proposed the romantic aspect to him while drunk

[sanguineshade]

Just saw a BDSM educational post and it reminded me of how I had to bring up the topic to my mother the last time I was complaining about my ex.

Basically, what happened was, I have no good things to say about my ex. She's asked a couple times over the course of these months "what I learned from this relationship" (which was my first) and my only response was "I learned I deserved better and that I need to look for someone who will care for me how I care for them".

On our last talk, she proceeded to reply that this was "too narrowing", to which I gently explained it was not, and all the ways I cared for my ex that he didn't return even when I desperately, verbally asked. I ended this by concluding it was a matter of emotional maturity (not saying he wasn't mature, just that we were at different points, with different needs, and he could not meet mine), and that in hindsight, I should've not started that kind of relationship with him, since he never even filled out his document.

And then I had to explain the Document.

You see, I put it shortly to her, I made a document detailing the kind of things I was interested in, sexually. I described what places I felt I'd like to be touched, the things I'd like to do, the things I was open to try and the ones I would decline. I made it readable, with separated topics, and had a blank version for my then-partner to simply fill out. I knew he didn't like to write much so I made it easy to check options, with minimal writing. I gave that to him, and he never filled it up.

She was flabbergasted that I'd do such an un-romantic thing, describing it as "detached" and "like work" and "who would want to sign a document before having a relationship, where did you get this idea from?"

I paused for a moment. "Do you know BDSM?" She did not. I explained what the acronym meant. She was not happy as she asked what that had to do with anything, and where I heard of such things. "Well," I started from the beginning. "You know about 50 Shades of Grey, right?"

I explained to her how, in the boom of the book's popularity, the most important aspect every critic brought up was how the story was, in fact, not displaying BDSM as it advertised, but instead abuse. I proceeded to relate how that got me to read about BDSM, and how consent and guidelines and communication were such an important part of it, how "scenes" need a lot of prep work and how people deeply care for each other.

There was nothing quite like the joy I felt as her expression mellowed, especially as I reminded her that it was my first relationship, and I came up with the document as a guideline, as a safety, as a way of communicating my needs and to hear back from my partner. "But he didn't fill it" she replied, now fully supportive of the document. "Why did you still date him?"

It cut a little deeper than I expected, even now, reminiscing of those words. "It was my first time," I remember shrugging, "and I trusted him."

That was the end of it. I'd love to have a happy ending to add, about how I moved on and found a wonderful person who filled their Document and I am now in a loving relationship with, but there's none of that. Maybe I'll never find anyone who'd do this for me. Maybe my level of maturity doesn't have a match, and my needs are too much for any partner to deal with. Honestly, the only thing I need as I'm typing this is a job, so I could have at least a semblance of financial security. I couldn't care less about intimate relationships right now.

But, all that said, I really wanna thank the BDSM community for all their teachings on consent, and trust, and on how to make things good for all parties involved. I could see the understanding in my mom's eyes with my (honestly probably mediocre) explanations. Of course she knew the difference between a relationship where you feel safe and one where you're just going with the flow, but I could tell she became aware of it while I was talking. I'm sure we both came out of that conversation with a little more knowledge in our minds.

[dwendog]

I was tagged by @teacher2be to share my 15 favourite songs.  So, in no particular order...

1. Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard I have always been pro-Yellowcard. They were one of my favourite bands for years, and I loved this song. Then, as some of you may be aware, I saw them when they were in Australia on the Lift A Sail tour a few years back. I had been very, very mentally unwell for a long time. Excitement about going to see Yellowcard was the first actual, positive emotion I’d felt in months. And they obviously played Ocean Avenue, and as I was scream singing along, I suddenly remembered what happiness felt like, and now it makes me even happier than it used to.

2. Rescue - The Summer Set I corrupted Monkey, and now this is one of her favourite songs, too. When I was visiting in April, the first thing she did when we got into my car was ask for Oh-ee-oh, and then she serenaded me from the back seat.

3. Feeling This - blink-182 “I think I’m falling asleep, but all that it means is I’ll always be dreaming of you” is one of my favourite lyrics ever. I also love the final chorus with the layering of all the different parts.

4. Wannabe - Spice Girls I’m 27 and female. I don’t think this really requires an explanation.

5. My Friends Over You - New Found Glory I’m not saying this song is magic, but I AM saying that you can’t sing along without feeling happy. The evidence is more or less there.

6. King of Anything - Sara Bareilles I can only aspire to this level of saltiness. Let alone such extreme salt with such a happy tune.

7. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen Ok, so, bare with me. I get how terrible this song is. I realise it was overplayed and everyone kind of hates it now. But my favourite housemate for some reason decided that this was My Song. I don’t know why. I don’t think she does, either. I just know that it became a thing. And she has been living in Europe for several years now (2? 3? I don’t even know what day of the week it is now), but I will still just get these random messages from her that are nothing but random lyrics from the song, because she’s turned on the radio and it’s playing. Only because of the time difference, some days it looks like she decided that 3 am was a great time to randomly go “RIPPED JEANS, SKIN WAS SHOWING, WHERE’D’YA THINK YOU’RE GOING BABY???” And that always makes me giggle far more than it should.

8. I Am - Killing Heidi What can I say? I like a good scream sing.

9. Can’t Finish What I Started - Motion City Soundtrack I have a love/hate relationship with this song. In that I love it, but also, I HATE THAT STUPID UNFINISHED LINE AT THE END OF THE SONG WHICH I AM AWARE WAS DONE FOR PERFECTLY SENSIBLE AND REASONABLE ARTISTIC PURPOSES, BUT FUCK IT’S ANNOYING.

10. I Feel Like Dancin - All Time Low Errybody gettin’ kinda crunk, I think some dude just grabbed my junk...and I realise how horrifically bad everything about this song is, but I think that if this list has established anything, it’s that I have really, really trashy taste in music.

11. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne Speaking of trash. I cannot in any way, shape, or form justify how much I enjoy this song entire album okay, fine I’m a shameless Avril Lavigne fan and I don’t even really try to pretend otherwise.

12. She Don’t Wanna Rock - Zebrahead In the immortal words of Oscar The Grouch, I LOOOOOOVE TRASH! And I DO want to rock, although I totally understand whoever she is’s distaste for hair metal. I think I missed the boat on understanding hair metal by about 5 years. Anyway, the point is, this song is a delight.

13. I Think You Like Me, Too - Bowling For Soup For someone who can’t whistle for shit, I am WAY too into songs that have a solid whistling riff. Also, I really enjoy the idea of kissing half of Motley Crue, because I’m not entirely sure how many of them there are, but in my head, it’s about 10 (ok, so I just googled it, and it turns out there’s only 4 members of Motley Crue. Remember less than a paragraph ago when I said I don’t get hair metal? I was very serious about it).

14. Minority - Green Day Fun fact: when I was small, I Dad and my brother both liked Green Day, and I did not like them at all, except for this song, which I loved, particularly because of the visible conflict that it caused in my parents as they enjoyed the sentiment of their small child wanting to be the minority, but were very certain that it was exceptionally non-cute for her to be singing FREE FOR ALL, FUCK EM ALL!

15. One Fine Day - The Offspring If I had a perfect day, I would do approximately zero of the things listed in this song (there’s no sleeping mentioned ANYWHERE), but I WOULD listen to it. Probably several times.

[iamabeautifulcreature]

Ignore

So it’s been over a month now, and I’m in the mindset that we will never get back together. Like I know you don’t want me back anyway... but even if on the 0.1% chance you ever asked me out again, I would turn you down. And while I’m getting better day by day, today has been a bad day, so I need to write down my feelings again.

I am still so sorry about how I communicated in those last few months. I never meant for what I said to come across as manipulative. I should not have let the anxiety and the stress of the situation affect what and how I said things to you. But I did, and I’m sorry for that.

Because I knew about her, and I knew we weren’t finding an agreement on our issue. I started just trying to agree with everything you said/wanted to make you happy and still want to be with me. I made myself actually unhappy to be the “chill” girlfriend for you, although now I can see that just made things worse. I will say, your new woman might actually demand some respect and ask you do things for her that you wouldn’t normally do, and just to let you know she’s within her right to ask these things.... 

At the end of the day, I can’t justify what I said. But I do want to say it took me over 5 and half years to finally crack after being treated badly by you to start not acting as good as I should have been... After all the lying and the lack of commitment my brain finally gave way. I’m kinda surprised it didn’t happen sooner...

But what does still really hurt is not only do your house think I said this stuff on purpose, but that because if this, I’m a c*nt. I am NOT that. And while you know it, it hurts knowing you’re not really defending me to them. It also hurts because originally one of your housemates messaged me asking to be friends but never responded to my response.... so what do they want? I feel you’re allowing for our relationship to be rewritten as this terrible thing and I’m this terrible human being. That hurts.

Also, after Zak, I emailed your mum as a commiserations and a goodbye, but I never got a response back. Does your mum know about what they’ve been saying about me? Does she hate me too? If so I’ll be mortified, because they are spreading incorrect shit about me to someone... (I mean I am aware she could have just not found the best way to respond and so just thought she shouldn’t, but because I have no clue what’s going on your end it has to be a possibility).

Furthermore, the ‘other’ woman did also definitely manipulate you... She kissed you “to make you feel better” then told you “if you were really happy you wouldn’t have kissed her back”... In my mind that is also manipulative.... but of course she wont get called out because apparently shes perfect...

Also, your housemates aren’t perfect either.... You told me that if one housemate was upset with you, she would actively yell and say things to you with the purpose of making you feel like shit.... Yet she’s not a c*nt and doesn’t need therapy??? (m’kay I see how it is).

Your housemates say your a nicer person now, and I don’t doubt that, considering now I’m out of your life you don’t have to think about our future. But let’s be clear, I am not the root cause of your behaviour. You couldn’t handle the stress of the situation and took it out on them - and of course me. I’m sure you’ve not told them all of the times you’ve got at me these last few months...

1. When I wanted genuine advice about my career you were angry I was confused.

2. When we couldn’t get our suitcase in the luggage hold on holiday.

3. Every single time we went shopping for you.

4. You snapped at me for not wanting to get wet as we left the secret cinema.

5. DRIVING, You were rude, judgemental and mean when I was driving to the point I felt uncomfortable with you in my own car.

6. and a shit ton more, but I’m too tired to keep listing them.

My point is that you can’t go into your next relationship thinking that I was the root cause, because if you have a hard time with your next partner, you’ll go right back to being mean to everyone. And that’s not fair on them.

But let’s talk about the elephant in this message. You cheated on me twice throughout our relationship, I forgave you the first time and I was stupidly going to forgive you the second time.... thank god you ended it. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.......

You liked your housemate for 18 months of our relationship, and in that time all I ever asked you to do was get over her. I gave you months of space. But when it became clear you never had any intention to get over her I asked you to do more, and I told you it hurt me. Your response to this was you telling me you like her more than you like me, you can’t trust me anymore, and you’re telling her stuff and hiding it from me. 18 MONTHS OF THAT! Oh yeah and you used to hate fuck me in that time.... #classy

Then the recent one. This one ONLY lasted for 8 months.... but in that time she sure got her claws in you. She wanted you badly and used the info you were telling her to get it. I hope she’s worth it, because I bet you’ll be together by mid-November... At the end of the day, I should have communicated better. But you strayed first, you destroyed this relationship first, and don’t forget that...

Finally, the realisation that has freed me the most and helped me move on, is that you never really loved me... Not as much as you should have done after being with me for just under 6 years. 1 month after talking about our future you were flirting with your coworker. That just shows you were not committed to me. Someone who truly loves someone else would never do that to them.

And as horribly sad as that is. I mostly accept that reality. I was a convenient love for you. I was on paper, good enough for you to be with, but you didn’t put the effort in to actually love me like a life partner should. So as soon as I became inconvenient love, off you went looking for the next one.

You might completely disagree with that, but a) you have admitted many times I loved you more than you loved me, and b) If you truly TRULY love someone, you would never do anything that could hurt them.

Also, less than 1 month after breaking up, you were no longer ‘in-love’ with me. That just backs up what I’ve been saying. I’m sure the vitriol about me in your house has helped you fall out of love with me by re-framing our entire relationship as terrible. But you can’t have loved me that much to have already lost all of it.

I’m still in love with you. I don’t want to get back with you, but I know I’m still in love with you, and will be for a long time yet.... Because I loved you completely...

Also, even if on the 0.1% off chance you were interested in trying again. I will never be your priority in life. I always admired how much you cared for your friends, but you cared for them more than you ever cared for me. I could have been equal to them, but making them happy, forgiving them, and hanging out with them was more important to you than me. Their opinions are and have always been your priority. And I can’t live like that anymore. Maybe they were the priority because you never really loved me, and when you’re with your next partner, you’ll actually be in love with her and she will become the priority. But what if that’s not the case? I don’t know if they’ll put up with it like I did.

In summary: I’m sad this is how it ended. But it is probably for the best. But you and your house need to stop blaming me as this evil bitch. I’m not perfect, and I will apologise when I’ve done wrong. But to be better in the future you need to accept you can control your behaviour. We aren’t getting back together, ever.