#but yeah in hindsight it pretty much started straight up as a marriage. very slim chance something like this would work out

[sanguineshade]

Just saw a BDSM educational post and it reminded me of how I had to bring up the topic to my mother the last time I was complaining about my ex.

Basically, what happened was, I have no good things to say about my ex. She's asked a couple times over the course of these months "what I learned from this relationship" (which was my first) and my only response was "I learned I deserved better and that I need to look for someone who will care for me how I care for them".

On our last talk, she proceeded to reply that this was "too narrowing", to which I gently explained it was not, and all the ways I cared for my ex that he didn't return even when I desperately, verbally asked. I ended this by concluding it was a matter of emotional maturity (not saying he wasn't mature, just that we were at different points, with different needs, and he could not meet mine), and that in hindsight, I should've not started that kind of relationship with him, since he never even filled out his document.

And then I had to explain the Document.

You see, I put it shortly to her, I made a document detailing the kind of things I was interested in, sexually. I described what places I felt I'd like to be touched, the things I'd like to do, the things I was open to try and the ones I would decline. I made it readable, with separated topics, and had a blank version for my then-partner to simply fill out. I knew he didn't like to write much so I made it easy to check options, with minimal writing. I gave that to him, and he never filled it up.

She was flabbergasted that I'd do such an un-romantic thing, describing it as "detached" and "like work" and "who would want to sign a document before having a relationship, where did you get this idea from?"

I paused for a moment. "Do you know BDSM?" She did not. I explained what the acronym meant. She was not happy as she asked what that had to do with anything, and where I heard of such things. "Well," I started from the beginning. "You know about 50 Shades of Grey, right?"

I explained to her how, in the boom of the book's popularity, the most important aspect every critic brought up was how the story was, in fact, not displaying BDSM as it advertised, but instead abuse. I proceeded to relate how that got me to read about BDSM, and how consent and guidelines and communication were such an important part of it, how "scenes" need a lot of prep work and how people deeply care for each other.

There was nothing quite like the joy I felt as her expression mellowed, especially as I reminded her that it was my first relationship, and I came up with the document as a guideline, as a safety, as a way of communicating my needs and to hear back from my partner. "But he didn't fill it" she replied, now fully supportive of the document. "Why did you still date him?"

It cut a little deeper than I expected, even now, reminiscing of those words. "It was my first time," I remember shrugging, "and I trusted him."

That was the end of it. I'd love to have a happy ending to add, about how I moved on and found a wonderful person who filled their Document and I am now in a loving relationship with, but there's none of that. Maybe I'll never find anyone who'd do this for me. Maybe my level of maturity doesn't have a match, and my needs are too much for any partner to deal with. Honestly, the only thing I need as I'm typing this is a job, so I could have at least a semblance of financial security. I couldn't care less about intimate relationships right now.

But, all that said, I really wanna thank the BDSM community for all their teachings on consent, and trust, and on how to make things good for all parties involved. I could see the understanding in my mom's eyes with my (honestly probably mediocre) explanations. Of course she knew the difference between a relationship where you feel safe and one where you're just going with the flow, but I could tell she became aware of it while I was talking. I'm sure we both came out of that conversation with a little more knowledge in our minds.