#if youre gonna be a hater just go away i just needed to vent

[the-sparkling-diamond-satine]

Feeling something about growing up afab and experiencing misogyny my whole life and sharing that with other afab people and women (trans and cis ones) and then realizing I’m genderfluid and Sometimes A Boy and learning very quickly I can’t share that with anyone.

Because now I’M the problem. Now I’M the misogynistic, violent, disgusting, scary, evil masculine person that women and non-binary people (yes, even the queer ones) don’t want around for those reasons. The misogyny I experienced my entire life (side by side with them!) doesn’t matter anymore even when I still experience it!! And cis men don’t want me either, because I’m “not a real man.” And the people that still want me around usually say it’s because I’m “not a real man.” And terfs love to say I have “internalized misogyny.”

And so where do I fit? What group wants a Sometimes Guy or just any transmasculine person? And looking back at times I’ve come out to myself and others and very quickly realized it was a mistake and gone right back in the closet. Or I’ll be out to them but have to claim to never identify as masculine because doing so is Just Not Acceptable and they make that very clear. She/they or they/them if cool but the second I’m a she/they/he or a he/they we have a problem. “Oh, you’re genderfluid? That’s cool. You’re not like, a guy, right?” “Non-binary? At least you’re not a boy! Men are just the WORST.”

And I’m tired of squishing and crushing and destroying this piece of myself so people accept me in queer spaces or as their friend I’m tired of coming out to partners and getting dumped because it’s fine if I’m feminine or non-binary but not fine if I’m masculine, I’m tired of hearing maybe it’s okay if I’m transmasc if I only wanna bind and pack but oops never mind it’s not okay if I wanna start T. I’m tired of being taught to hate myself or that masculinity is inherently evil and I’m

Tired. Just. Tired.

[brawlingdiscontent]

CW: Mentions of death and suicide, spoilers for all of Interview with the Vampire season 2 

In season 2, episode 5, “Don’t be afraid, just start the tape,” a number of key questions circle around Daniel and Louis: Why did Louis pick Daniel to go home with him? Why did he ultimately save Daniel from Armand? This post unpacks these through a close reading of the episode and explores how they shed light on 2022 Louis’ character arc. (AKA, I decided to be a huge dork about this episode!)

Near the top of the episode, Daniel raises his “outstanding questions” about 1973 with Louis: “...like why you talked to me in the first place?” He doesn’t buy Louis’ unsatisfactory and avoidant answers, but Louis succeeds in dodging his questions with another – “What’s the next thing you remember?” 

In the flashback, we see Louis reject Daniel’s sexual proposition because, as 2022 Louis tells Daniel, “you offered something off the menu.” But what, exactly, is that?

Louis’ problem is his inability to examine or work through the massive amount of pain he carries, relying instead on various strategies of avoidance (which, for example, form the spine of his Paris life). The result is Louis’ dissociation and separation from himself. In 1973, the resulting internal pressure has culminated in a self-destructive spiral (128 boys) from which Louis desperately needs an outlet—which leads to what present-day Daniel describes as a “floundering” Louis, “eager to spill” “tape after tape of emotional upchuck”—burning with the need to vent the pain held inside and repressed for so long.

Later Louis tells Armand, “the ten hours I spent with that boy were more exciting, more fascinating than decades spent with you!” which Armand mishears as Louis saying that DANIEL is fascinating (and obsesses over this—more on Armand later). But what Louis actually says is the hours spent together were exciting and fascinating, in other words, the experience Daniel afforded, the interview. So what was this experience?

While the interview is valuable, not just any interview or interviewer would do the trick. Daniel is more than ”an eager black hole” absorbing others’ stories, and the experience is more to Louis than just having a listening ear.

The key, surprisingly, lies at the point where Louis snaps. Deep in reflection and depression, Louis tells Daniel that after Claudia set off on her planned Europe trip he thought about killing himself, staying in the park until the sun came up. And instead of empathizing Daniel gets mad: 

Daniel: “Are you kidding me? What, you were just gonna end it!? I mean, what about life? Like, joyrides and night swimming, and marriage, and cancer, and all of that till the death rattle? I mean we gotta carry all this shit and you had a ticket out and you were just gonna throw it away?..... you were given the gift, and I’ve been hearing you bitch the night about it.”

Upon Louis’ answering outrage, Daniel adds: “I mean, you don’t understand the meaning of your own story.”

While, to be clear, Daniel also doesn’t know the meaning of Louis’ story and his take on it is pretty bad (the meaning is ‘make Daniel a vampire??’) The provocation within these words and his call to life are very valuable. When Louis examines his existence he only finds meaning in pain, which makes him afraid to look closer and makes death seem the only viable escape. Daniel, even with all his struggles, affirms life through its challenges and prompts Louis to interrogate his own narratives about his story, which fixates on the burdens of vampiric existence. 

Meanwhile, in Louis’ immediate environment, the only thing Armand knows how to affirm is death, which we soon watch him try to coax Daniel into. (Not taking sides on Armand, here. I think both Armand lovers and haters can agree that whatever else he may be he is a Sad Little Muffin). Throughout season two Armand repeatedly discourages Louis from engaging with his pain. For one brief example, in 2.1 when Louis cries when discussing Claudia with Daniel, Armand calls for a break and tells Louis he's ‘lost control of the interview’. I think we can read multiple motivations into Armand’s actions: that he’s intervening both for Louis’ sake as he’s afraid that confronting the pain will kill him (as it almost did that night in 1973) AND that he doesn’t want his lies exposed— he’s a complex creature.

Figuratively, for Louis’ arc, Armand represents fiction and illusion. That’s what the theatre’s about, and his big-boss persona hiding a fragile gremlin, and even his ‘Rashid’ disguise. He generally prefers pleasing fantasies and fictionalized narratives—including wilfully ignoring the reason that Louis is with him in 2022 (the name, unspoken in their home for 23 years)—to painful truth. In this respect and others, he is the exact counter to Daniel (which makes them such a fascinating pair).

Where Armand is death, Daniel is life. Where Armand is illusion, Daniel is truth. By offering the opposite of Louis’ current environment, life and truth, and giving him permission/encouragement to address his pain, Daniel becomes a source of fascination that Armand can’t pin down. (And how could he figure out that it’s Daniel’s joy for life and zest for truth that’s the source of Louis’ fascination, when Armand, himself, has little of his own.)

However, Louis doesn’t understand the gift that Daniel offers him in the moment. Instead, injured by the provocation, he lashes out and attacks Daniel. It’s what happens later, in the fight with Armand, that cracks things open for him.

Louis and Armand’s fight is the emotional equivalent of them digging their fingers in each other’s open wounds. One of the last things that Armand says to Louis before the latter runs onto the roof is: “...[Claudia] didn’t love you, not like he did. Not like I have.” Louis says, “I know. I know! Yes. I know. Thank you for saying it. It’s all creeping back…” And then after some more raving and a, “She’s calling me”, now high off his mind from Daniel’s drug-laced blood, Louis runs onto the roof. 

Louis running out into the daylight is not so much a deliberate suicide attempt as it is an externalization of his pain, triggered by the memories. His burnt and charred body actualizes the pain that he always carries inside, like a festering wound, but is only now facing. 

While in this painful moment of (literal) exposure, Louis is living out the show’s tagline “memory is a monster” an alternate tagline could also be drawn from it – “the truth, even if painful, will set you free’—which Louis comes to recognize. His pained “thank you for saying it” to Armand after the latter's devastating remarks about Claudia is about Louis’ need to confront the pain. I’m not at all saying that Claudia didn’t love Louis (even Armand’s wording modifies this “not like he did. Not like I have”), but rather that Armand’s words, combined with Daniel’s assertion that Louis doesn’t know the meaning of his own story, draw attention to the fact that the narrative he’s been crafting for himself is one that both preserves his pain, and avoids engaging with or working through it. (Which will eventually lead to bigger discoveries like “I didn’t realize it was a gift”.)

Despite the horrific experience of being burned, as he lies in bed recovering Louis finds that the remembering is worth it, making him realize the value of Daniel’s questioning—and feel the need to return the gift by saving Daniel’s life, where only a few days before he would have drained him had Armand not intervened.

Daniel doesn’t need to live as a testament to Louis and Armand’s relationship—that’s just the bullshit Louis tells Armand to get him to go along with it. Daniel’s high off his mind, but his instincts have helped Louis to see that Louis’ own is one of the “stories that need telling,” and handed him the key he needs to move through his grief. My favourite little detail about this scene is the light hanging above Daniel’s head as Louis offers his pep talk. Daniel sheds light for Louis, so Louis, in exchange, offers him a different kind of metaphorical light: words for when things get tough. They offer each other mutual support (best bros!!)—in a way that Louis’ two hubbies have so far been unable to do. 

Unfortunately, when Armand wipes Louis’ memories of this encounter, the guiding light Daniel offered is gone, too—instead going on to become a central part of Louis' season two character arc once the memories are recovered. 

The question then emerges—if Daniel’s speech was so valuable and healing, why the memory wipes? 

There’s two options: Louis may have recognized the value of what Daniel offered but have still been unprepared to examine his pain, and so asked Armand to erase the memories. The other option is that, Armand, worried about another suicide attempt and Louis leaving him, took away that choice for him by erasing the memory. (What really strikes me here are the parallels between Armand and Lestat. Lestat kidnaps Claudia and threatens to kill her to prevent Louis from leaving him but also out of a desire to save Louis’ life, given his despair at Claudia’s absence. Armand arguably operates in the same way. Both do messed up things for somewhat pure as well as selfish reasons).

I think what actually happened could be somewhere in the middle of these two options—Armand manipulating/convincing Louis into erasing the memory, and a pained, still-healing Louis agreeing. And then of course, in typical Armand fashion, when the topic comes up, he dodges accountability with a, ‘But it was your idea, babe.’)

And yet, we see the effectiveness of Daniel’s intervention through the progress they make in the new interview session and once Louis recovers these memories in 2022—for example, we see Louis go from torturing Daniel for probing too far into Claudia, to facing deeply painful memories of her and acceding to Lestat’s version of the story of Claudia’s turning.

As a form of summary, we actually see this whole dynamic I’ve detailed play out in the beginning of the episode in Dubai (and that’s what’s so perfect about the writing!!)—when Daniel says ‘grab that’ and Louis asks about what he’s grabbing:

Louis (recorded): “Funny thing, trying to remember what occupied one’s time, when one was ignorant of the plotting around him.” Daniel: It’s a thing with syntax, I see it a lot. The impersonal pronoun ‘one’—one’s time, one didn’t—becomes the third person ‘him’. Stops being ‘I’ or ‘me’. Louis: And that indicates what? Daniel: You’re circling something, you’re getting close to something you want distance from. Language as a chicken exit on a roller coaster. Armand: Or it’s daytime and a vampire of Louis’ age is fighting the narcoleptic pull of the sun.

It’s the same ditty - Louis dissociates, Daniel identifies the pain point, and Armand tries to change the subject. 

What’s lovely, then, is how this little exchange is prologue to the past playing out yet again the present. And so it comes to pass a few episodes later that Daniel uses his skills as a “bright young reporter with a point of view” to once again shine a light for Louis, getting him to see past the pain, and exposing the truth (Daniel voice: He didn’t save you, Lestat did!)

In conclusion: Best bros 4 eva!!

Thanks for reading! Medal for you, if you got this far!

[spyroforlife]

not gonna reblog the actual post I saw because I don't feel like derailing and I will always just give people room to be haters on their own blogs, I understand the venting, I do. But it's always so funny to me when I see posts like "just let this ace/aro character be ace/aro you weird fuckin shippers!!"

because like

babes

they still are

they literally are whatever they are in canon. That is always gonna be the same. The representation is not being taken away from you in any way whatsoever because other fans are doing what fans do and making silly lil shipping drawings and fics, because they just personally find shipping fun and will do it to literally whoever they find interesting and want to imagine in situationships

The creator of your fav ace blorbo is not gonna go on Tumblr.com and look in the fandom tags and see a drawing of them making out with another character and go "hmm you know what. I dig that more actually. So asexuality retconned, he's gonna fuck (character) on screen now <3"

That doesn't happen. Can seeing the ship art be off-putting if you can't see the character being like that? Of course! Yes! Not denying it! But like. They're not changing anything about the character in canon. It's not some kind of problem in fandom that needs to be fixed. Shipping just happens, pretty sure it's a goddamn rule of the Internet.

But I promise you, there is still gonna be a variety of fans who would MUCH RATHER actually focus on that asexuality and/or aromanticism and discuss that, and portray it in their works. You can follow those people specifically, and join in their discussions! And who knows, it might get more people talking about it, so you'll see more of what you actually wanna see with the character.

It's just like. Idk. I get complaining but I just start feeling itchy as soon as it takes a turn into any sort of "so other people SHOULDN'T do x/y/z with blorbo actually" because okay hit the brakes, fandom is just for fun, it's a hobby, shipping is just playing around in imagination land and who cares if people do dumb or impossible things. You can dislike it, you can want to avoid it, but trying to tell other people what they can and can't do with fictional characters??

idk man. just rubs me the wrong way I guess. And in the end I'm just ALSO bitching about a fandom thing on my own blog and this ultimately doesn't matter too much to me because I DO have a job and fandom is just a hobby for me.

But I guess I just really don't see people shipping aroace characters as a big deal, because let's be real shipping has ALWAYS been about ignoring canon sexualities, this is nothing new. People will literally just smash together whoever they find hottest, or the most fascinating, or the most fucked up, or whatever tickles their fancy. And what's happening in some weird lil corner of fandom just isn't gonna have any impact on what actually happens with the canon character relationships, and it was never about that anyway, so. who cares and let people have fun. I promise when you go back to whatever media your blorbo is from, they're still gonna be their cool asexual/aromantic selves, because canon isn't fanon

signed, an asexual who gets amusement from dumb ships because I know I personally would never do this stuff but it's fun living it through random fictional characters <3

[thaleleah]

omg tal i am all ears babe 🩷 rant away! wtf did this pos do to your mom? 😡

the universe be trying to keep your mind at peace 🌎 ✨

what i love about james cameron, is how in avatar 2, he put in titanic references! i loved that! the avatar films do take a long time don't they? 😂 because the first one was in 2009 and the second in 2022 - which is like 13 years - something to do with perfecting the cgi, right? that's so cool tho.

oh shit there's drama? is it like those trolls who cause shit because the fandom ages up characters or something? cause i've seen a lot of those in the peter parker/spider-man fandom. cause if that's the case... they literally need to go outside and touch some grass. i'm so glad you didn't have to deal with that shit too much. that's actually so disappointing tho, because this is a safe place to escape to and get a break from the outside world! like these people need to go focus on actual real world issues that's actually going on and not focus on literal fiction 🤦🏻‍♀️

thankfully i haven't seen any hate or toxic drama going in the tbosbas and billy the kid fandom 🤞🏻 don't let those haters get to you tal, and enjoy doing what you love to do 🩷

Some people write some good Spider fics since you're a Jack Champion fan 👀

you know what? i'm actually interested in seeing what a spider smut would look like 🤭 have you written for him? i would so read it! i was on the ethan landry train in 2023, so it'd be nice to switch up to spider!

i loveee you moreee 🥰 how's writing going?

- 🍯🐝

It really is but I'm still angry about it so I'm gonna tell you anyway lolll (Below the cut at the end)

James Cameron is one of my favorite people!! He's so creative and such an inspiration when it comes creativity and storytelling cause Titanic has always been one of my favorite movies too (and that he was a part of creating Aliens and Alita: Battle Angel). But also how much he's contributed as a whole in terms of newer tech is so crazy. I'm like 99% confident that he helped develop his own submarine that he uses to deep sea dive and he pilots it himself, plus all the underwater filmmaking tech that he created and helped develop to film underwater scenes. He's just a genuinely cool dude.

(Except when he's killing off my favorite character in Avatar 2. That wasn't cool 😭)

Yessssss that's exactly what the drama is! I'm so glad you get it cause I'm so tired about hearing the same argument over and over and over again. Just let people read and write what they want - it's all fiction anyway. It's not real. People are responsible for their own media consumption. Writers can write what they want as long as they have the appropriate tags on it. If someone reads the tags and still reads or interacts anyway, that's on them. Use the block button if you don't like something 🤷🏻‍♀️

Eeeeee I have written for him actually! I think I have 2 fics out for him and I have a few ideas still waiting to be written. My tumblr is @tallulah477. My fics for Avatar are usually shorter than the ones I've been posting here for TBOSAS and BTK tho just so you know. I can also give you other recs/accounts that write for him if you're interested.

Writing is going pretty good! I'm hoping to finish up the Avatar fic I'm working on so that way tomorrow I can focus on Godless Part 2.

How's your day going, babes?

OKAY SO --

CW:// Vent

It was my mom's birthday last weekend and I wasn't able to go visit her. My stepdad's brother and his wife went up there for the long weekend though which is both fine and bad cause my mom adores her sister-in-law but my stepdad's brother is also a POS (everyone in their family is tbh) so having them over always drains her. Plus they always bring their two dogs which I think is very unfair because (1) my mom doesn't really like dogs and these ones are super rowdy and annoying (i like dogs don't, get me wrong, but...yikes), (2) my mom has two cats so they have to stay in her bedroom while the dogs get to run free which I think also isn't very fair, and (3) the dogs always end up using the bathroom inside the house every. single. time. and my mom is the one who ends up having to clean it. So they're there and she has to play "host". The brothers spent the whole weekend making jokes and comments at their wives expenses (you know, like assholes) and they didn't do anything special for her birthday. She had to tend to my stepdad and his family the entire weekend. Naturally, she was exhausted when they left and that same day my stepdad was already on her to clean the house. Like, fuck off.

AND THEN my mom has a special set up in her basement for the cats with tons of toys and shelves and other stuff that she made for them to play with or on. Apparently while my mom and her sister-in-law were out, someone let the dogs down in the basement and they marked their territory all over everything (if you get what I mean). Both methods of "marking their territory" were used and not a single thing down there was left un-destroyed or un-marked. She was furious and when she tried to rant about it to my stepdad, this motherfucker gets angry that she's "shit talking" his family and says "you better shut your mouth unless you want to start a fight". So she couldn't even be upset about it. And no, he didn't help clean it up.

This man has a death wish, I swear.

//End Vent

[1d1195]

SAMANTHA BE SO FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW?!?! WTF?!?!?! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO US😭 I AM SPRIALING!!!

okay long story short I got locked out of my tumblr account bc i don't know what happened?? anyways i just got access about half an hour ago so I went to see your blog and girl... WTF PART 6 WAS SO GOOD!

I was LIVING for the angst at the beginning! I don't think it felt forced at all if anything they both have met their match in terms of stubbornness and as a stubborn girly this aspect was very familiar for me lol Harry calling her out on not opening up and not accepting help? he kinda went off lol But dare I say I enjoyed it a bit simply because then angst lol BUT did i feel attacked? YES!

Anywaysss her breakdown later on... bestie :( it broke my heart how much guilt she carries with her! And as someone who deal with having too much guilt it is HELL going through life and thinking everything wrong with yourself and the ppl around you is your fault! and the situation with her dad?!?!?! HELLO?!?! 💔 and her MOM💔 I am a hater :)

But so glad that it got resolved and having them talk it out and just Harry not giving up on her and her not trying to distance herself again! and Harry talking with her dad😭 I cant! I really enjoyed their little moment together!

NOW THAT FUCKING BOXING MATCH I KNEW SHIT HAD TO GO DOWN BUT FUCK ASS JACK COMING BACK??!?😭😭😭😭 SAM WHY?!?!? heart DROPPED when I read that! I felt like grabbing towels was not gonna end good but HIM ew i cant! I AM FREAKING OUT FOR HER!!!!

You did so great bestie!!! I never doubt you!

also I missed you this week! I hope you are starting to feel a bit better now! May is almost over so you will be free soon! Hope you are treating yourself, love you lots!-💜

The Government name SENDS me every time 🤣 I know I've been waiting to hear what you think I assumed classes and such were overwhelming (and I'm sure they still are!) but LOCKED OUT OF TUMBLR??? I would pass away. Soooooo glad you're back 💕

Oh twin, I get you. I like to make Harry call out my MCs every once in a while just because I need someone to call me out every now and again. I think if I were dating Harry and he told me off I might HAVE to listen. (But no other man, thank you.)

Thank you for saying it didn't feel forced I really appreciate that! I was def nervous and thought it was just kind of rushed/it came out of nowhere, but again I'm the only one in my head coming up with 1000 different scenarios a minute to continue the story so you all don't get to see the montage of changes in half a second.

Idk what possessed me to come up with such a scenario. I suppose the AP Literature girl in me would probs say a really tragic backstory is symbolic in some way of how I'm feeling and allow me to vent my own frustrations/guilt in an outlet like this. I also don't have the best dad-daughter relationship and I wanted to make this one nicer but still kinda sad. Idk. I'm REALLY glad you liked it 💕

I did try to warn you all that the cliffhangers prior in the story were nothing in comparison to this part hehehehehe 🤭 I didn't really know how to end this series tbh so this seemed... the most plausible/best way? I'm already starting to think about

I'm glad you liked it even if you had to use my full name 💕

My week is slightly better I suppose. I'm still pretty tired, but with no work on Monday I'm hopeful I can read a trashy book and do something enjoyable. Thank you for being so sweet, I hope your week has been well. I missed you SO much! 💕

xoxo

[bitch-im-your-biggest-nightmare]

No! This isn’t how you’re supposed to play the game! [Father!Corpse x Child!Reader]

Part 2 of Goddamnit kid, now they know I’m a single father! Warnings: None Summary: While streaming Among Us, Corpse decides to teach his kid Y/N how to play the game! A/N: And yes my warnings have the non-warning as well, just so you know what to expect from the story. Also, Requests for Cr1tiKal and Corpse Husband are always open! Ask or message me if you have any ideas. Also, message or ask if you’d like to be tagged- just please state what kind of fics you wanna be tagged be on. I’m always open to tag people! Request: Yes  Tag list:  @save-the-sky @alilshit @whatifwedo @hughugh20 @fleurmoon @bi-andready-tocry @itsminniekat @yoongi-holland @loraleiix @hacker-ghost @fanworrior @marvelous-musicals @annshit @unknown-and-invisible @letsloveimagines @hairbrush-anon @babyhoneystvles 

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“Oh by the way guys I have Y/N here for the stream today.” Corpse said to his chat as he moved his little guy around in Among Us. “Hai!” Y/N said happily. Corpse had them sitting on his lap just chilling and watching their father play. It has been a couple months since the announcement of Y/Ns existence happened and everyone fell in love. Corpse did have to tell Y/N how to deal with it and not to share his identity to anyone who asks. He was enjoying a happy life, getting so much support by his fans and his friends. Life was good, for once. But with happiness comes sadness, and of course with friendliness comes hatred. And there was hate.

People did not trust Corpse with a child, sadly. The hashtag ‘CorpseCPS’ trended on Twitter before someone came out and told everyone to fuck off. But even if that hashtag stopped, that didn’t stop the haters. People still tweeted about it, hated on Corpses kid, and just been assholes. 

“Corpse Husband is not fit to be a father. He already told a majority of his fans about his mental problems, so do you really think he will raise that kid properly? #CorpseCPS” 

“Wouldn’t be surprised if Y/N will grow up to not be able to sleep at night. Just like their father.”

“I stg I bet Y/N is terrified of Corpse. Have you heard his music and seen his videos? I wouldn’t trust someone like him with a child, he could emotionally abuse them. Someone call CPS!!! #CorpseCPS”

“Who the fuck is accepting single fathers? Children belong to their mothers, not their fathers. I hope @Corpse_Husband realized how he fucked up and gives that poor kid back to its mother.”

“Bet that the mother of Corpses kid fought so much for custody on that poor child on god.”

“Someone save this child. #CorpseCPS”

It really got to Corpse, making him think he wasn’t capable of raising Y/N. Was everybody right? Was he going to mess this child up? He didn’t like thinking about, but his mind always trailed back to it. It worried him, the only thing he wanted was to make his kid happy. Was he doing a bad job? Was his kid going to grow up wrong? 

“Can you guys please let me live my life and raise my kid? Don’t think you’d feel good if someone said you weren’t capable of raising the kid you had. Jesus.”

Corpse Tweeted that when the anxiety and bad thoughts got too much for him, hoping this would calm them down. But one small Tweet doesn’t go a long way sometimes. He was glad most of his fanbase supported him, at least his friends did. And now he didn’t have to worry about the haters. Right now, it was streaming with Y/N time.

“Alright Y/N, you control the little astronaut like this..” Corpse put Y/Ns hand on the mouse and put his over it, moving his horned avatar through the halls on the screen. “Those red words are my gamer tag, Corpse. Red means im an imposter and white means crewmate. The goal of the game as an imposter is to kill everyone without them finding out its you. The crewmates need to find out who the imposter is an eject them.” 

“Okeh!” Y/N said excitedly and laughed.

Corpse smiled fondly. He loved Y/Ns laugh, it melted his heart. “Ok, see those cameras?” Y/N nodded, “You gotta be careful killing people around those, someone could be watching.” Corpse moved to electrical, “See? This is electrical. And there's, felix. Whoop, now hes dead.” 

“That was mean!” Y/N whined. 

“It’s the point of the game though!” Corpse quickly vented. “Okay, to kill people, you click this.” He showed Y/N how to kill people, “And to hop into a vent to get away, you click this.” He showed Y/N how to vent. “Now, during an emergency meeting you need an alibi.” 

“Whats an alibi?” Y/N asked, glancing up at their fathers face. 

“If someone blames you for wiping someone out, you have to have an excuse to why you didn’t do it. That’s an alibi.” Corpse explained, heading down the hallway. “So next time after the next emergency meeting, you will play! Sound fun?” He smiled when Y/N replied with an upbeat yes. Then a body was reported, “Ok Y/N, don’t tell anyone it was us, alright?” Y/N nodded. 

“Where was the body?” Poki asked. 

“I found it in electrical.” Sykkuno replied. 

“I did see Sean go that way.” Corpse said, making Sean instantly reply. 

“I was just passing by!” Sean argued, “What about you Corpse? Didn’t you go near electrical?” 

“It was you Sean I saw it wit my own 2 eyes!” Y/N called out, making everyone nearly die. 

“Well you can’t really argue with that one Sean.” Charlie chuckled.

“Vote Sean the council has decided.” Sykkuno declared. 

“Wha-- I- B--” Sean stuttered as everyone vote for him. Soon, they all watched him float into the abyss of space.

Corpse chuckled, “You’re my superpower Y/N. Ok, I’ll guide you along but its your turn to play.”

Y/N made a happy squeal, putting their hand over the mouse and moving the astronaut across the screen excitedly. Corpse guided them along, having his hand placed over theirs. “Ok Y/N, be careful. remember, there are cameras.” 

“Okie.” Y/N said, heading down the hallway. They walked around for a bit and Corpse helped them fake tasks. “Ok, see Toast? We’re gonna kill him.” Corpse checked for cameras, “Do you remember how?” Corpse asked. 

“Yah!” Y/N moved the astronaut forward, killing Toast. 

“Ok now vent, vent vent vent!” Corpse said, leaning forward and moving the astronaut to hover over the vent. Y/N stalled but clicked the right button, quickly venting right when Poki walked in. A dead body was reported, and they were back at the emergency meeting.

“It was Corpse!! It was Corpse!! I saw him vent!” Poki screamed, being way too loud to Corpse, but he didn’t mind anymore. 

“That wasn’t me.” Corpse lied, “Where was the body?” 

“I found it it navigation! You vented!” Poki said. 

“Mmm nah it wasn’t me. I was in storage.” Corpse lied again, making Y/N feel pretty damn bad. I swear, this child was so innocent. They couldn’t stand seeing lies and murders happening. So, they said “It was dad!” 

“HAH! They just exposed you!” Sean laughed loudly. 

“Oh my god the betrayal.” Charlie laughed as well. 

“Vote Corpse!” Poki yelled, “I told you!” 

“Y/N knows whats right.” Sykkuno said, voting for Corpse. 

Corpse gasped, “Noo! that’s not how’re supposed to play the game!” Corpse sighed, watching as everyone voted for him. Y/N frowned, “Im sorry..” Corpse hugged Y/N, “no no it’s fine. Just don’t betray me like that.” he chuckled, watching his astronaut float through space. He sighed again, “Better luck next time. Guess I have to train you how to be a ghost.” 

Y/Ns eyes lit up, “Yaaaayyyy!~”

~The End~

[strongislandsuperfan]

Mental Reset

I needed a reset recently. It was months in the making, but it was necessary. I needed time away from my hobbies, from barbecuing, from my job and even from family.

I'm almost hesitant to write this. It seems like the issue of mental health has become this obscure topic that is either met with disingenuous sympathy or with a dismissive attitude. You never know what someone is going thru or what might be that one thing that'll trigger that person and set them off. I've been very close to that point. I have been for a while. I find it difficult to discuss for several reasons. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be misunderstood anymore. I know what my mind is clear about. However, as much as I have grown as a person, in my spiritual life and personal life, mentally, I still struggle. I'm not there yet.

I needed a mental rest. We all do. To believe otherwise is just flat out denial of not resolving the inner turmoil that we all feel. It has affected my marriage, my job performance and even my interactions with colleagues, co-workers, peers, friends and family. Before you all think this is some sort of attention grabbing post or a cry for help, I need you to stop your premature judgements and your overthinking and hear me out. I did have that at one timenin my life; someone that I could vent to. Two people, who were like brothers to me. Unfortunately, they passed away in 2020 and 2021. Now, my release has come back to my first passion, which is writing. As I write this, please read with an open mind and reflect. That is something I've learned, especially during this pandemic. We need to take the time. Literally, take time.

Being in the workforce, even before the pandemic, has taken its toll. I haven't taken serious time to sit down and reflect until the week of March 1st, 2022. I reflected on all that was accomplished and how I've proven doubters wrong. I was told in 2007 that I was too young to get married and that my wife and I would be divorced in a year. 15 years later, we're still together. I was told that, with my limited to no prior experience in IT that I would be lucky if I even got hired at all. This was in 2009. In 2022, I have more than a decades-worth of experience, in 7 different cities and in 4 different states (even though the one in Louisiana was just a temp job) and in 2 different sectors if IT; audio-visual and desktop. I was even told that I'd never become a home owner. I remember a former co-worker in Texas telling me to my face, "Mikey, you got a crappy credit score, no assets and no prospects, only making $40,000 a year. You'll be lucky if you even qualify for a chicken shack." I was also told by someone else (this one is my personal favorite and I mean that sarcastically), "Dude, the only way you're gonna get a house, let alone anything else in this world is if you kick in the door with a machine gun...and even then, its still a longshot for you." On Jan. 25th, 2022, I became a homeowner, even with my "crappy" credit score. Looking back, I can say that I've had an extraordinary history of proving doubters and haters wrong.

I could pat myself on the back, but I'd be unbearably arrogant if I didn't acknowledge the bad parts or the mistakes that I've made.

I also reflected on my mistakes and bad choices, from chasing money thru odd jobs to making premature decisions regarding my well-being to burning bridges and losing friendships with people that I use to respect or use to respect me. I've also squandered opportunities and promotions for myself, either because I gave an opinion or spoke my mind when it was uncalled for or because I couldn't control my temper. I've also disappointed people and let people down, because I wasn't humble enough or too stubborn to listen to reason. I do apologize to everyone for that. I do not expect anything in return for this except for this one factor. Now, I get it. I will spare you the self-pity because truth be told, I should of learned these things sooner. No one taught me. I've been operating in survival mode since the day I was born. I'm just now learning how to turn it off and let it go.

For those reading this, thinking that any one who is able-bodied and willing to grind should be put thru the mill like a well-oiled machine, meeting business needs and reaching personal goals, while trying to live up to the expectations of other people's opinions, keep one factor in mind; I am human. I am not a machine. I cannot be perfect 24/7. I cannot be a emotionless punching bag, with skin like leather. I cannot be the most knowledgeable person all the time, and I promise you that its not because I'm so lackadaisical that I refuse to give an effort or because nobody likes a know-it-all. It is simply what I just said. I am human. I am doing the best that I can. I am not asking for sympathy or a basket of bread & roses for taking care of responsibilities that are common routines. I am asking for myself and others like me, for understanding, compassion, fairness and patience.

This is not a cry for help or even a "red flag" that everyone needs to overthink or worry themselves over. This isn't even sour grapes. This not only reflection, but a release for me to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Forgive me if I wasn't at my best. Forgive me if I didn't reach my full potential. The truth is, I was never taught how. I had to learn the trial by fire way. Yes, I am a better person because of it, but I do carry scars. Deep scars that are not just physical, but spiritual and emotional as well. Forgive me if I was the monster you never imagined that I am. Sorry if that sounds like self-loathing. I know I'm a good guy, but I understand myself enough to know how horrible I can be and it's not on purpose. You can blame my great-grandma, Jerusha Sanford for that. Regardless, I have gotten to a place where I do acknowledge my triggers and I can handle it, in a more positive and productive way, instead of walking around as a pouty man-child that constantly gives excuses for tantrums and tirades. Forgive me if I ever gave the impression that I never believed in myself because the truth is I never have, until life itself backed me into a corner and I was left with two options: either give up and commit suicide or rise up and fight back. I chose to fight. It's the New Yorker in me, mixed with a little Texas grit.

I do have 3 regrets:

1) I didn't take a reset to self-examine sooner.

2) This message may come off wrong or frighten you or offend those of you who feel that a post like this has no place here, but these uncomfortable and odd-fitting posts & conversations need to happen. I wish I had the courage to do it more openly without being judged or scrutinized.

3) I never learned how to relax or chill out. Sometimes, its not even that serious. I am guilty of taking myself too seriously or putting too much pressure on myself. Despite mistakes, I see that I have accomplished more than I realized and surpassed limits that I thought I could never push pass. What I've learned is that experience can be a cruel teacher. Sometimes, it'll give the exam before the lesson. I am grateful that I get to wake up everyday, a little wiser and a little more humble, knowing what I know now.

Do I have it all together? No. Did this recent time off give me the mental reset that can absolutely fix everything? No. However, it is a step in the right direction. This factor is what I'm thankful for.

[its-a-humanriot]

Common Language, pt. I

(This is the beginning to a bunch of Fallout 3 works I have knocking around my brain. I’ll post bits and pieces here and then post the full work to ao3 once it’s done)

(pt. I) / (pt. II)

---

Charon realises very quickly that he does not understand his new employer very well.

In the first instance, this is very literal.

Not many words were exchanged during her introduction as his new employer and him subsequently blowing Ahzrukhal’s brains all over the walls of the Ninth Circle. It’s not until after they make a very rapid exit and they are out in the quiet of the museum atrium catching their breath that he really pays any attention to her. Not much about his employer’s appearance immediately seems wildly unusual – she looks pretty healthy for a wastelander, if somewhat pale, and probably one of the youngest people to come through Underworld in several years. Her face is grubby with the expected dust and dirt of travel under her mop of short curly brown hair, slightly pink from sunburn across her nose and a clean strip of pallid skin around her eyes from the goggles that now hang around her neck (the look of it reminds him briefly of some small animal from before the war, though he can no longer recall its name). Although they look relatively well maintained, her armour and rifle have clearly been scavenged at least third-hand, and a faded red bandanna is tucked around the collar.

Charon takes all this in with a practiced eye, trying to evaluate what kind of person he is now bound to – as satisfying as it is to know that Ahzrukhal’s head is now spread all over the Ninth Circle, it has come at the cost of knowing his opponent. The girl in front of him does not look wealthy to be spending the number of caps he knows Ahzrukhal would have asked for his contract, nor hardened enough to have carried out whatever unscrupulous task he would have accepted as alternative payment. He can’t quite pinpoint it, but something doesn’t seem right. When she opens her mouth, his instincts are proved right.

“Well, fuck. I came to Underworld to cop a flop and a sling and hang loose for a while, maybe zee out for the night, and buddy up with you. I was not expecting to have to beat feet with a dead body behind us.”

Her accent is like no wastelander he has ever heard, and he doesn’t understand half the things that come out of her mouth. Charon can’t claim to be up to date with young people (as so few of them come through Underworld and most of Ahzrukhal’s associates were people who should absolutely not be allowed anywhere near children) but even among the various communities in the Capitol Wasteland there is usually a fair amount of common ground. This – whatever this is – is something else entirely.

His well-practiced poker face seems to keep his confusion hidden at least up until she turns to him with an uncomfortable smile on her face – she certainly has cleaner teeth than a lot of wastelanders, and not even any missing that he can see – and sticks her hand out in his direction.

“This isn’t how I was expecting to have this go but, uh, I’m Billie. Nice to actually meet you properly, Charon.”

He stares at it. A lot of people would avoid unnecessary physical contact with ghouls, even if they weren’t outright ghoul haters, and certainly none of his previous employers have ever tried to engage in something as cordial as a handshake. When he doesn’t react, she leans in a little sheepishly. “…I think you’re supposed to shake hands when you meet someone new, right?”

His stare moves up to her face. She looks about as confused as he feels. What rock has this kid crawled out from?

“What?” It’s hardly the first thing that he means to say to his new employer now they have time to talk, but this whole interaction is leaving him feeling entirely unfooted. She tilts her head at him and looks even more awkward, her outstretched hand dipping slightly before she withdraws it entirely and starts to comb it through her hair instead.

“Uh…I’m not used to meeting new folks? A couple of people have told me what passes for manners above ground but honestly, I’ve not had so many chances to try it on people who weren’t trying to vent me first.” Her face twists in an embarrassed grimace. “Is it the accent? I’ve been told it’s a little hard to understand. I can try, uh something else,” She drops her hand, brushes some stray curls out of her eyes and clears her throat. She offers her hand again and manages to take him by surprise yet again: saying clearly in an almost perfectly pronounced pre-war Transatlantic accent “Hello Charon, my name is Billie Morgan. Pleased to meet you.”

The sound hits Charon like ice cold lead in his stomach, a noise he hasn’t heard in decades beyond the occasional old holotape. It rings in his ears as fresh as it was then with all of the other memories he’d tried to bury - the cloying surgical smell of the lab in his nose, the claustrophobia of the sim pod – Scanning vitals… Welcome subject: 2875, identifier Charon. Beginning training simulation in 3, 2…

A hand touches his arm and the tension in his body spikes – Charon finds himself staggering backwards into a defensive stance. His hand, still moving on instinct, gets as far as the handle of his combat knife before his conditioning kicks in with a short shock of pain – the subject cannot harm the employer – and the opposing reactions form a strained stalemate and force him to a standstill, buzzing with adrenaline, as his presence of mind returns. His employer is now a few feet away, her brown eyes wide as she raises her hands.

“Woah, okay. Won’t do that one again. Sorry.” The artificial enunciation is gone and her original accent has returned, but she is speaking more slowly and clearly than before. He can’t tell if she’s just doing it to try and pacify him or if she is consciously trying to make herself easier to understand. Now that he has the frame of reference for it her natural inflection definitely has something pre-war about it, but it’s hard to pinpoint. “Easy there, big guy. I’ve got no scrap with you and I’m not gonna hurt you. Okay?”

Charon has at least a full foot of height on this kid, and while she looks healthy she does not look strong – the idea that she would be able to hurt him in a close quarters fight is almost laughable. Slowly, he forces himself to let go of the knife handle. The tension in his shoulders stays where it is.

“I am unable to harm my employer. Physical violence on your part invalidates our contract.” The default line gives him something to fall back on for a moment while he straightens back up to his resting position.

“That’s…something.” She doesn’t look reassured, but she drops her hands. “So we’re shiny? Cause you looked real ready to stab me for a second there.”

“I am unable to harm my employer.”

“…Right.” She appears to wait a moment for clarification that does not come before continuing. “So about your contract – it’s kinda hard to read and I didn’t really get the full shakedown before you greased Ahzrukhal so I don’t know what your rates are. I’m a little low on caps at the moment but I can pay you some upfront and then I can earn a bunch back from whatever scavving we do in the next few days to get you the rest of your cut, then we can work out an arrangement. Sound okay to you?”

“I do not require payment.”

“So what, I keep you watered and fed and breathing and we’re square? Seems like a pretty cheap deal to me.”

“I do not require protection and you are not required to provide for me, though several previous employers have chosen to do so.”

“Wait.” Her brow creases. “What does the contract say?”

“The holder of my contract is my employer.” The words come readily to his tongue after many decades of repeating them. “My employer has my services in combat and in any other duties as they see fit and I am honour bound to do as they command for as long as they hold the contract. The contract prevents me from harming my employer while I am in their service. Physical violence by the employer against me invalidates the contract.”

She stares at him hard for a long moment before she speaks again with horror in her voice.

“You’re a slave?”

“I belong to no one.” The response is automatic, the only protest he is able to make. The words taste sour in his mouth.

“You’ve just told me that you don’t require payment of any kind and that you have to do what I say. If that’s not being a slave, I don’t know what is.” She turns away and pulls on her curls for a moment while she paces before turning back to him, her face stormy. “If I’d know that skeezer was a slave owner on top of everything, I might’ve taken a pop at him myself before you ventilated his face. Fuck.” Her eyes widen again. “I bought you from him.”

“If you find the terms of my contract objectionable, you may pass it on to another.”

“I object to you being bound to the contract. Passing it over to someone else doesn’t fix that.” Pulling a face, she pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs, then pulls his contract out of her pocket. She looks over the worn paper for a moment, then a takes a single step closer to him and thrusts it in his direction. “Here.”

The ebbing tide of the adrenaline rush in his veins suddenly leaves all at once, and he is left staring at his employer’s hand again. There must a misunderstanding here. Again.

“You wish me to…hold the contract for you?”

She rolls her lips together before making deliberate eye contact with him.

“I want you to have it. Permanently, free of charge. The contract belongs to you - no more employers to boss you around.” Turning her eyes skyward for a moment, she takes a deep breath. “I’m hoping that greasing former employers of yours isn’t like a tradition or something, cause I kinda like being alive out here in the fresh air despite everything. And I have someone I really, really need to find.”

He stares at her for a long moment, stupefied. She stares back, with an expression that is perhaps supposed to be comforting despite the fact that her hand is shaking slightly. After the events at the Ninth Circle, she doesn’t have much reason to suspect that anything else will happen apart from her apart from the inside of her skull being spread all over the atrium.

“I cannot accept.”

At the sound of his voice she seems a little calmer, and gives him a warmer smile.

“Sure you can. No charge, no nothing, just like I s-”

“You misunderstand. I am physically not able to accept.”

“What?” The look of confusion is back.

“I am not able to hold my own contract. It is stated clearly in the contract terms.”

“You didn’t say that thirty seconds ago!”

“The contract terms are long. I paraphrased.”

“You paraphrased.” With a furrowed brow she pinches the bridge of her nose again with the hand holding the contract dropping to her hip, though her mouth pulls up at the corner – whether it’s from amusement or concealed frustration, he’s not sure. She takes in a breath, then drops her hand. “Right. Okay. And if I destroy the contract?”

“I am compelled to stop you from doing so, through any means necessary.”

“Even if you harm me? I thought you said you couldn’t do that.”

“Preservation of the contract takes priority over the life of my employer, though I must also take all possible actions to preserve your life.” Comforting people is not a talent Charon considers to be in his skill set. From the look on his employer’s face, he evaluates that this is still true.

“There must be a section in the contract for how it ends though, right? Surely no contract is gonna be able to hold you forever.” The naivety of the comment grates on his nerves more than he expects. Maybe it’s the aftermath of the adrenaline rush and the bewilderingly abrupt turn that this already baffling interaction has taken, but Charon’s response come out with more of a bite than he means it to.

“It’s not that simple, smoothskin.”

“But you don’t want to be bound by it, right?” Seemingly undeterred by the epithet or the warning in his tone, she continues earnestly. “If we just-”

“I said -” His voice is sharper than he would ever dared let it be speaking back to Ahzrukhal, louder than he has spoken in so very long, and he wrests control of himself back too late – his voice echoes back to him from the polished granite walls so that it rebukes him as much as it does the kid in front of him. Her eyes are wide, shoulders bunched up to her chin level, and he realises that he has unconsciously drawn up to his full height. The echo hangs in the air for a moment, and when it dies his words are back to their normal volume, even if the tone is strained: “ – it is not that simple.”

The moment continues to stretch out thin and the young woman doesn’t move or answer – just keeps staring at him. The silence leaves him feeling as unbalanced as the conversation did - worse now that he feels exposed in the wake of his outburst. Charon takes a rattly breath and fills his ravaged lungs to their full extent as he winds himself back under control – shoulders down, arms by his sides, he reverts to his typical guarding stance. When he speaks again, it in the direction of the young woman’s clenched hand rather than to her face

“For good or ill,” Charon says towards the faded scrap of parchment “I am in your service.”

[serinemolecule]

Not to harp on the obvious, but the discussion feels hollow without it: the only reason some people - not all, maybe not most, but definitely some - push for "equality" and "inclusiveness" and etc. in tech is because it's seen as a desirable and powerful position. No one's been belly-aching about it back when it was fashionable to tell nerds to stop being fat and ugly and what a bunch of losers they are. It's only up for discussion now that there's something to be gained from it. It's hypocrisy.

(context: a lot of women-in-tech discourse)

I mean, I was belly-aching about it.

I like to say I was a feminist until I met other feminists. I definitely saw plenty of things nerds could be doing better for equality. But then the first time I met other feminists, they were harassing nerds and writing long essays about how nerds were even worse than average men (which still seems to me like an absolutely insane position).

That was... a really big crisis of faith there. I spent years reading feminist literature, trying to understand their point. And the crazy thing was, a lot of the principles and concepts do appeal to me. But then the way they’d apply it, talking about how privileged nerds were, or just using it as an excuse to be assholes to people, that’s always seemed wrong to me.

My approach at the time was just to try to understand it better in private, and never talk about it in public. This lasted until I read the SSC essays on social justice which I entirely agreed on, then I joined Tumblr to hit on Scott, and since then I started getting more comfortable with writing out my thoughts, but also the really bad SJ of the early 2010s just mostly faded away from the spaces I’m in. I still hear insane stories from other places (like the New York Times! wtf!) but it no longer feels like a crisis afflicting my own community, so I never wrote anything out.

Part of it’s that my community is the rats, now. SJWs may still exist here, but they don’t have a social power to turn us against each other. Whatever effect Topher’s tweet had on the rest of the world, it means he’s no longer welcome among rats anymore. We dismiss them with equanimity using the ancient proverb, “Haters gonna hate”.

Anyway, I suppose now’s as good a time as any for me to talk about what I think about feminist theory.

I get the impression that Scott is embarrassed by his old posts on gender politics, but I still endorse every word. Even the words people like to criticize the most, I endorse as an angry expression of “Why don’t you care about how many people your ideology is hurting?” That said:

Privilege theory – I remember encountering privilege theory and thinking “yes, this totally fits the model that normies are privileged and nerds are marginalized”, until I got to the part where they started talking about how privileged nerds were. I think the theory is still pretty good, and of course the practice about writing privilege checklists and using it to silence people is incredibly fucked up.

Patriarchy theory – Fortunately, no one talks about patriarchy theory anymore. It came from the radfems and it always seemed horrible to me. It's uncontroversially true that ruling class is mostly male, but patriarchy theory seems to just equivocate between that and insane conspiracy theories.

For example, “culture is built for the benefit of men at the expense of women” requires you to just dismiss everything that hurts men and helps women, to excuse that fashion policing is nearly solely perpetuated by other women, and even if it’s true, the fact that it is perpetuated by everyone means pointing the finger at a specific group will not help fix the problem. Did Kamala Harris exercise “girl power” when she kept black prisoners in jail past their release date? 

Cultural appropriation – The usual steelman I hear for this is “it sucks when white people take your culture for themselves, and yet still call it cringe when you practice your own culture” – but the only objectionable part is the latter! Stop objecting to the former part! There’s nothing wrong with culture mixing and it is in fact one of the most beautiful things in the world!

Part of it’s that I’m a first-gen immigrant, and cultural appropriation attitudes often come from insecurities second-gen immigrants have. Cultural appropriation just means I’m now an expert on your new culture and you’re not allowed to stop me from infodumping on it.

The other steelman is “misusing religious artifacts is bad” and I think to the extent that it’s bad, it’s bad whether you’re doing it to your own culture or to other cultures.

In general I think Halloween was, among other things, a great celebration of diversity that did not need to be cancelled, and I don’t think any costume was offensive to the majority of any culture.

Intersectionality – This word confused me for so long. People kept explaining it as “black women often have problems specific to their group that neither women’s groups nor black groups themselves are equipped to fight” which just seemed obviously true and didn’t seem like we needed a word for it.

Over the years, I’ve seen it be used as a reminder of “don’t forget how your activism affects other marginalized groups”, so it’s probably a useful concept to keep around.

Microaggressions – I think being oblivious to microaggressions is an autism thing, but I still think it’s insane to make them a political issue. Sure, you can vent about them, but acting like they’re on par with actual aggressions just seems like a losing cause.

On second thought, I don’t think I have a problem with making them a political issue in general. I think the whole tactic of SJWs being a hateful harassment mob makes the microaggressions thing just come off as especially petty.

I also think there’s a lot of competing access needs here. I actually really like infodumping about what kind of Asian I am to anyone willing to listen, and I think acting like the question is the root of all evil is really unfair, especially since literally everyone who’s ever asked has been happy to learn about the finer points about Chinese ethnic groups.

Isms as prejudice + power – People have mostly stopped discoursing about this, which is good. Language policing always seemed bad to me.

Objectification – SSC says everything I feel on the topic: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/03/17/my-objections-to-objectification/

The last time this came up in Discord, people said that objectification is more than the straw-man being criticized in this article, that it’s about people being entitled to your body or whatever. But I think the article does address that: “This is obviously a legitimate complaint. It’s just not a complaint about objectification.”

I got exposed to objectification as a criticism of hot girls in video games. And I just can’t see hot girls in video games as a bad thing.

Rape culture – [cw rape] This is an incredibly sensitive subject so I’m going to give you some time to stop reading here.

Our culture has a serious problem with rape. I think it’s important to understand that it’s usually committed by friends and family, that it’s depressingly common and has nearly definitely happened to people you know, that it’s usually committed by people who don’t think of what they’re doing as rape, and that all the discourse on it is really fucked up.

I also think that calling this “rape culture” entirely misses the point. I’m sympathetic that SSC doesn’t understand it: https://slatestarcodex.com/2013/04/19/i-do-not-understand-rape-culture/

Our problem isn’t that we glorify rape. Our problem is that we consider it a special kind of evil so bad that of course no normal person would ever do it, and this makes it easy to rationalize that whatever this normal person did couldn’t have been rape, which causes huge harms.

I don’t have answers, but I think it’s incredibly clear that calling it “rape culture” doesn’t help.

In general, I don’t think feminist activism on the topic of rape goes in the right direction. The smug “consent is like tea” video has the exact same problem. People don’t need to hear more “normal people would never rape” messaging.

[genderfluidlucifer]

This is a depressing vent post

(Tw: Suicide ideation, suicide discussion,, cult abuse, medical neglect, vent post0

Btw I want to clarify the reason I left ndntra’s server is not because I was faking being half indigenous. But because I feel like it’s very pointless to try to reconnect with the apache tribe and Choctaw tribe culture. When I don’t have resources either financially or socially to do it. If I can’t even handle this conflict that’s going on with popncourse how am I going to be able to handle the steps needed to reconnect to two tribes I’m related to? Since I know half the time even people who are half related to these tribes might have to go through difficult imitations just to even reconnect. Plus I still want to largely self isolate right now after all this. I still plan to commit suicide soon despite the dash going back to normal. I’m just waiting until a big health procedure I need done that will probably happen this year to do it. If not this year then maybe next year. One that’ll kill me anyways due to how much physical pain it will cause. I’m just basically going to use that as my method. I just still feel like I should give up on trying to make my life better. I can’t see anything changing my mind about that in the foreseeable future. But who knows, I guess. I’m just very tired of putting effort into something that looks impossible IE trying to get away from the JW org’s influence over me fully like I was trying to do before. Don’t bother ndntra about this at all in my name either. They didn’t do anything wrong. Me being unfixable is just a complicated mess of a situation irl that can’t be reversed. I just wish I hadn’t dragged so many other people into it before realizing it can’t be reversed. It’s all my fault this is happening. I should’ve just stayed put and let the org do what it wanted to my family and I. I’m sorry for not realizing this sooner before and letting Breeze and Luci be so toxic about reaching out for help online for so long. I’m probably gonna keep this blog going up until the day of the surgery happens. I doubt I’ll be very coherent after the surgery or have much energy. I’m also sorry to mutuals who still care, it’s just so hard to keep going right now. It’s not that I’m trying to suggest your efforts to keep me on this planet don’t matter. I’m just...so tired to keep going after the day the really painful surgery’s going to happen. I really do strongly appreciate y’all for ticking with my annoying ass for as long as you have though, I really do. The main reason I’m leaving the date of the surgery so vague is I don’t even know what month to expect it yet. The doctor who referred me to the special surgeon must just still be getting that set up. So the haters who encouraged someone to impatiently ask when woodlands-system and I will kill ourselves recently, you gotta wait for my suicide. Considering how I’m planning on doing it. Though I still don’t appreciate you dragging woodlands-system into this like they are in any way possibly responsible for Breeze’s system being full of shitty alters who have shitty coping mechanisms. They just don’t like hopping on board to callout posts uncritically. And they’re not wrong for having that stance. I think that even when they’re doing that towards callouts I agree with or semi agree with.

[golbrocklovely]

So im just going to state my opinion on something. People dont have to agree with me if they dont want to but this is just me venting i guess.

I dont like Tara, ive given her content a chance and even watched some of her lives but she doesnt have a filter and doesnt realize how she comes off (and this is live not edited) and then wants people to be understanding of her actions.

So I've subscribed and have donated to JCs stream a few times and hes always doing challenges and trying to change stuff up. Everytime he has Tara on she is rude, cursing at him threatening and if thats their friendship thats fine but she always tries to change stuff up that he's been doing with everyone and no one has tried to change stuff except her. He had a spin the wheel challenge today where he gives friends money or a challenge. One girl ate dog food and kept going. Tara had two challenges of taking a shot and one of eating a hot pepper. She won $55 and kept complaining and switching stuff up like " i do this and you do this" or "can i spin and if i don't like the challenge i keep the money". People in the chat were getting aggravated and told her to walk away with the money,even the girls told her to walk because she started listing all the stuff on the wheel she wouldnt do and only left like 3 options when no one else did that. The second someone called her out and told JC not to invite her again she yelled at the chat to F** off & then agreed with soneone that chat was bullying her. JC said "it was one girl" & and she goes "no it was several" when all people were doing was telling her to chill and just walk with the money, i didnt see anyone being aggressive or plain rude. . JC ended up giving her $100 because he felt bad.

I know people are gonna read this and not get it, call me a hater but like i said ive donated $ to him and everytime she's on she complains and throws the vibe off. Then you have people in the chat saying "JC give her $200 she deserves it", really. So yeah that's my rant. Hope it doesnt bug you that i sent this in but like i said this is my opinion and i needed to vent because it JUST happened.

i'm sorry you're upset at tara

i do understand ppl not immediately liking her. she has a personality that you either get or don't, and i have no problem with you not liking her even tho i do :)

that being said, i don't know this situation that well, but it could just be that tara is uncomfortable doing certain things, but she still wants to support her friends so doing this spin the wheel challenge is her way of supporting, even tho it is outside of her comfort zone. and i highly doubt that she's hating on jc, that's probably their friendship. if he didn't like it, he would tell her to not treat him that way.

i do get your frustration tho. i would say i'm quasi-similar to tara with how i won't do certain things even tho it's in the game rules or whatever. however, i probs would have just walked away with the money lol (mostly bc i hate confrontation of any kind)

but yeah... it's a shame you feel this way. hopefully if she's back on his stream she's more open to trying stuff.

and also, try not to let things like this upset you too much. idk how much this genuinely pissed you off or not, but just know... it's not that big of deal and everything's okay :) <3

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

this is an outta nowhere question but what are your thoughts on Joker in Smash about a year since he was added? I've heard some folks say the reason the Persona fandom got so toxic is bc Smash got involved and I wanted to know what you thought since you've been in it way longer than P5 and Joker in Smash

Short answer: Yes AND No. 

Long answer (it’s me of course it’s gonna be under the cut due to length 8U):

I’mma be honest, there’s always toxic fans. I know Smash Fans (and Nintendo fans in general) haven’t exactly been peaches, esp when it comes to Twitter (which I think is also an issue atm). But there were toxic fans before than and there’ll be toxic fans later. It’s just life tbh. (dunno where to put this but I’ll put it here: Twitter nowadays is like 2012-2015ish Tumblr, different being Tumblr was a bit more hiveminded and if you disagreed with a popular fandom opinion you.....were kinda bullied let’s be honest so no one could really say their opinions. While Twitter now it’s not a hivemind but instead two sided extremist that you need to choose. Both toxic and similar but just a taaaaad bit different, I’d probs take the two extremist sides over the hivemind if I had to chose tho...even tho Tumblr had better content during that era than Twitter right now imo but that’s in general and not Persona only. 8U Tumblr’s REALLY calmed down since the porn ban I’m not gonna lie, and ironically that’s roughly around the time that Twitter started getting shitty. So like....kinda saying there’s a correlation, I think a lot of toxic tumblr people probably migrated to twitter, and while there’s toxic fans everywhere it feels like a lot gather on Twitter so it really highlights the fandom there sadly). 

From my experience (which is from P4 PS2 era onward, I missed the pre-P4 P3 PS2 era stuff but apparently there were waifu wars which from what I’ve found I probs would’ve just classified as “shipping war” stuff rather than waifu wars....and it seemed liked standard shipping war stuff from back then), the bigger a fandom grows the more fans it obviously attracts, but that also means more toxic fans too. And that’s why I say yes and no for the smash community, yes because they did attract more fans (and their community seems to be a bit toxic atm, like I get expressing your wants to a company and I support that! but the INSTANT you don’t get a specific character announced for the fighter pass and instead of just being like “oh golly darn :(” but instead “***** this place ***** Nintendo you all suck ****** *slur* *slur*” yeah no that’s a little....you gotta take a step back buddy, so yeah I’m sure there’s a bit more toxic fans in that fandom atm but they are also a BIG ASS FANDOM so I’m not surprised), but it’s also just the cause and effect of the fandom getting bigger in general.

It happened when P4 got it’s anime (btw anime fans ya still valid and are a Persona fan, just keep in mind if you wanna talk lore just know you did watch a very abridged version of the game so be aware you might have somethings wrong cause of that.....cause I’ve seen it happen.....DX btw let’s play watchers are also real Persona fans and I’d say even people who just like Joker in Smash are at least Joker fans and that’s ok too enough gate keeping guys DX), it happened when we started getting spinoffs, kinda with the P3 movies (only really cause FeMC fans were salty or P3 fans upset what was cut/changed, but it wasn’t on any toxic level tbh just normal complaints, I think the fact it was a movie instead of an anime bypassed newer fans than with P4/5 animes), it happened when P5 solidified it into the mainstream gaming market (I’ll stand by P4 helped break Persona into it via all the other avenues of mainstream, with P5 finally latching the main series into mainstream games.....I say mainstream cause spinoffs are looking the same as pre mainstream which.....>.> *shrugs* could be better imo), it happened with P5′s anime, and it happened with Smash Bros. And tbh I’m sure it happened or will happen with the Steam community (and Switch/Xbox if it ever goes there too) and P4G (P4 fans go through the same cycle of BS constantly, most of which I believe originated with the anime generation, that it’s hard to tell if there was an uptick or not). And it’ll probs get an uptick again with P6, and then P6′s anime. And maybe manga cause maybe P6 fans like the P5 fans and won’t listen when people say “don’t get attached to the manga name it’s probs not gonna be used so hold off till the anime” but hey let’s have drama for no reason cause we need it. 8U (obvie you can still like the manga name, it’s more for people complaining about name changes or not getting why Atlus just didn’t keep the manga name even tho an explanation is probs within arm’s reach and they were warned beforehand)

*sighs* Sorry back on topic, each time the fandom grows so will toxic fans. Tbh I feel like the phrase “toxic fans” are thrown around a lot. And it’s esp used for only....”haters” it feels like and I don’t think that’s right (cause it can be fans too), it just feels like ANY negativity (even constructive and kept reigned in by certain users) is viewed as that. Like take me, I’m sure I’m probs labeled as a “toxic fan” due to be being a Megaten/Persona fan but disliking P5 and talking shit/calling it out. But I try my damnedest to do that in the appropriate places (ie my personal blog, maybe a confessions place, or a thread/board that’s expressing negatives only OR it’s explaining/expressing pros and cons type of stuff, I find that to be the best because it keeps people who want to vent away from people who want to gush so no war happens, not saying I am perfect or you HAVE to follow this or you are toxic, it’s what I decided to ascribe to and find it works well and good enough and it gives me a better fandom experience). Aka, I don’t go on twitter to someone’s fanart of Yukari or Makoto and trash the character because I’m not a freaking asshole (or in this case a ~toxic fan~). But this also applies to the “fans” as well who will talk about something they like (character/game) but the ONLY  way they can raise it up is by tearing down something else (other character/game), it’s really rude and also toxic as well. Negativity is not inherently bad all the time, and Positivity is not inherently good all the time (with positivity it’s more of giving yourself a break from it rather than saying something positive can be bad at times, tho I’m sure there are times that-that has happened but it’s 2:30 am and I don’t want to think of an example for that). It’s how it’s used/expressed. I see the Twitter community trying to combat the “negativity” by trying to only spread “positivity” and I’m afraid 1) any negative expression, even constructive, will be scorned (I guess I’m afraid of us going back to a hivemind mentality again), but most importantly 2) the people trying to head it are going to be burned out and it’ll hurt them mentally (I do not want it to happen obvie, but I know personally it can wear you down which is why I’m concerned). Don’t get me wrong I love what they are doing/trying to do, but I think we’re generalizing the word “negativity” and “positivity” a bit too much and it’s just raising a few red flags for me (I’m just hoping I’m being paranoid/overanalyzing in this case). 

Uhhh there was one last thing I wanted to address.....Oh yeah gate keeping. I know you asked about Smash but this stuff is kinda related and hey think of it as a history lesson for the Persona fandom (or at least Nusona cause I didn’t have a game system in the 90s ;_; plus wee little me wouldn’t have been able to find P1/2 fandoms back then due to me not really using the internet like I do nowadays till around P3 was probs released). Plus you know how long winded I am so this is kinda what you sign up for, 3 am ramblings of overexplaining~! But gdi I will try to cover all the bases and get my point across in....some fashion. 8U

But yeah, Gatekeeping in relation to the Smash fans, cause I see Persona fans shit on new fans that got into Persona through Smash (I know above I said Joker fans are valid Joker fans rather than Persona fans, but I’m assuming they’ve yet to play/watch Persona and are just aware of Joker and are a fan of him vs the fans who saw Joker and then watch/played the games to get into the fandom. One set is a fan of a character vs the other set got into a franchise because of said character. Like I wouldn’t say I’m a FE fan cause I liked Marth/Roy in SSBM, which is why I have that distinction myself BUT if you wanna call yourself a Persona fan that’s valid, you’re valid, it’s whatever, I don’t really care about the details that much, I just have two categories for convenience). Anyway I don’t think it’s fair to shit on them. Same as I don’t think it’s fair to shit on anime only or manga only fans. Or if they got into the fandom through Nusona (Oldsona is P1/2, Nusona is P3-5 atm). Or Oldsona. Or another Megaten game. 

Maybe it’s cause I came from P4, where it got shit on cause it wasn’t (”dark”) like P3, it wasn’t (”dark”) like Oldsona, it wasn’t “dark” like other Megaten games, it got shit on every way to Sunday for daring to try to have a more lightened mood at times (3 murders happen, we see 3 dead bodies, a 6 yo dies onscreen, we have characters going through intense existential crises, we deal with characters mourning through death as well as other relatable struggles, basically shows our teammates die one by one in the final boss, having a chance to hear Naoto’s death scream on the phone if you don’t stop Adachi, just the “you didn’t save the person” phone calls in general, talks about society’s toxic gender roles and how it can negatively effect a person both to an extreme extent and minor, god forbid they eat an animal cracker to lighten the mood, and this isn’t counting the dark shit that happens in the spinoffs). As if P1/2/3 don’t have comedy, or any other Megaten game, all the demons are freaking weird of course there is comedy. Oh and it also got shit on for going mainstream first, and not even counting that it got shit on for spinoffs (which P3 was included but no P3 gets a pass for some reason), and the fact that it was shit on for not being P5 (before and a little while after P5 came out) because it wasn’t “dark” like P5 (fdksjafajkfljafj P5 has it’s moments, esp with Shiho, tho P4D did it first and went through with it, but seriously each game has it’s own light and dark moments and one isn’t better than the other only cause they have more of one than the other). And....*sigh* let’s just say thank god that I was able to buy other Megaten games right before the flood gates of shit came in, cause I dunno if I would’ve wanted to give it a chance if I had to hear my fav game shit on constantly. I say I dunno cause tbh I was craving more after P4 so badly I still would’ve probs gotten into it regardless of the fandom, I wanted more from the franchise even if it wasn’t 100% like P4. 

But tbh I don’t blame P5 fans, anime fans, or Smash fans for maybe not wanting to get into the rest of the series. I get old fans of whatever feeling like they are...I dunno being invaded? By new people in the fandom. Or their afraid of new fans not fully understanding the franchise (hey guys that’s where you teach people instead of try to passive aggressively try to get them to leave the fandom I dunno maybe make posts to educate instead of trying to push away??? 030). And change is hard and yeah. And maybe you don’t like the new game (keep in mind there’s a diff between saying “*insert* Sux” and “I don’t like *insert* because...” one’s shitting on something and the other is constructive), but hey shitting on the game they like is probs not gonna win them over to your fav game sflkdjafkjafja Educate and be helpful, don’t gatekeep and drive people away. That’s a sure fire way for us to lose this franchise (remember we almost lost Atlus all together, but it was able to get a 2nd life thanks to P4 saving it....tbh probably wouldn’t have ever gotten P5 nor SMTV nor any spinoffs if not for P4′s success with its game and anime, this is both a history lesson and a word of warning since it already almost happened once). 

Tldr; Smash didn’t help but it’s really just the fact the fandom got bigger and bigger fandom means we also end up getting more toxic fans mixed in. Twitter now is basically 2012-2015!Tumblr (diff is Tumblr’s was a hivemind vs Twitter’s now extremist two sides only thing), and Tumblr’s porn ban probably migrated a lot of their toxic fans to Twitter which probs hasn’t helped any fandoms on there. Negativity in general isn’t an issue, it’s if you’re being an outright asshole where it’s an issue. Don’t be an asshole in general, if you need to vent then vent where you need to, if you wanna gush then gush were you need to and without bringing anyone/anything down obvie. You are a Persona fan, regardless of where/how you started. Don’t gatekeep for the love of god, or so help me Jack Frost will sneak into your house and smack you in the face with a snowball (and if he doesn’t then I will.....jk...half jk 8U). Also *sprinkles of (allusions to? I dunno I tried it’s 3 am and my 2nd try on answering this and the first one was just as long) Silly’s Persona fandom history lessons throughout the post*

[logicalstansadvice]

1/6 So, I’ve been lurking around various blogs/forums related to Sebae and well... I feel like people try and force their own perceptions of him on his real life image too hard when it comes to him being born in Romania and raised for a couple of years. I get it, it’s cute when he speaks Romanian and you can def see the appreciation he has for his heritage but some people (not necessarily fanfic writers, but also mostly fanfic writers) treat him like some sort of Romanian deity who stepped onto

2/6 the mortal realm with one purpose in life: to look deep into their eyes and whisper ‘prințesă’ in a husky, seductive voice. And like I said, I get it where they’re coming from but cmon, that’s not how language processing works. And even if, that’s not how cultural socialization or however you want to call it works. He moved away at an age so young that Romanian culture couldn’t have possibly made a lasting imprint on him

3/6 (and, while we’re at it, even though Romania is located in southeastern Europe, it doesn’t automatically make it a Slavic/Balkan country - it’s way more complicated than that, way more personal, I feel - if we have any Romanians here, maybe you guys could clear that up if you feel like it)so acting like Sebae should automatically be able to speak/understand Slavic languages is just a very far fetched stretch (even considering that it was a communist state when he was there as a kid). Maybe

5/6 he does, I don’t know, I only ever heard him talk English and Romanian, but like... people just go on a limb and assume he walks around his home and speaks/hums/reads/takes a shit while speaking Romanian under his breath whereas in reality he has more association, even as a second language speaker, with the English language. Sure, he might be whispering sweet nothings to his supposed/rumored gfs in Romanian but I can guarantee you there is no chance in hell that in the heat of the moment

6/6 when he’s pounding into some floozy (or not a floozy, his choice really) and gets labored and bothered he automatically goes on and breaks out into some elaborate sex talk in Romanian. Just... no. After all these years his brain is (most likely) just not fckn linguistically Wired to do so. dunno, what are your girls opinions on that? I just needed to rant/vent because people seem to forget that, well, he’s a grown ass human being who saidhe feels shy speaking Romanian by he’s not confident

First, LOVE a good linguistics/English Lit-proper characterization based rant.

Second, bad fanfic writers are gonna bad fanfic. Let them have their Eastern Euro based fantasies and skip over them so you don’t have to get your blood pressure up. Or—you can leave them the feedback that they beg for and risk getting called a mean hater.

I get that you’re annoyed (trust me, I have a few fanfic based rants ready to go at any given moment), but you gotta let other people’s fantasies rock.

Heroine

I.LOVE.FAN FICTION.

But I also recognize the tropes, cliches, writing patterns, characterizations etc., that bother me. I vent and discuss with friends, but the healthiest approach is always close the fic and move on.

Cosmic

...yeah, it feels as though part of his fandom fetishizes his Romanian heritage to make him seem more exotic or something, a little spicyness to offset all that blandness, LOL.

This is only my opinion, but I doubt Sebae speaks Romanian with anybody other than his parents. As of now, all his teenage years and adulting happened while he was living in the US, so it makes sense that English would come first to him.

I learned English as a 2nd language too, but after spending less than 5 years in an English-speaking country, I was thinking in English, rather than thinking in my native tongue then translating it into English. I became a fully-fledged, independent adult living in that country, so I gotta admit, English feels more comfortable for me for the dirty nasty sex talk but since I moved back, I think my partner would look at me funny...so I say it in my native tongue, LOL. This is waaaay more than you ever wanted to know about me, huh?

Ruby Woo

[ebonydusk]

Things that were, things that are, and things that may be...

I’ll warn you right now this post might get rather long, so I’ll be sure to put most of it under the line. And also warn that this post contains very personal talk about severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, abortion and suicide.

I’ve made various posts over time on this hellsite. I call it that cause...it really can be at times. But it’s also a place I can vent and put my thoughts out into the world, even if I know no one will notice or will really pay attention to it. This one though, this one is probably the most personal.

I’ll start off by explaining I’ve suffered from depression the majority of my life. I can’t possibly tell you how or when it truly started, but I can recognize now that it was there since I was young. It went hand in hand with my growing anxiety that was born of being isolated and over protected and sheltered in a small town with small minds. It’s possible it all came from the fact I was molested as a child. Up till I was at least ten. Which is the last time I let him come near me. My grandfather was a ‘war hero’. A ‘pillar of the small community’. A ‘good man and a good father’. A ‘wonderful husband’. But he also didn’t keep his hands to himself. And I never told anyone. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my sweet grandmother. No one. They still don’t know. But my therapists and my husband and closests friends now do. I’m not as ashamed of it anymore. I realized only recently I shouldn’t be, it wasn’t my fault. And I’m not the one who should have ever felt such shame and guilt.

But keeping that secret since I was so little and never dealing with it left it’s mark on my small mind. A mark that festered and grew into fear and anxiety and self hatred.

Then I realized I was into girls. I felt...out of place. I wasn’t really shamed of that per se. But it WAS a small town. I got picked on by those that knew. Those that guessed. And those that just didn’t like how quiet I was. I was the “girl to talk to if if you wanted to ‘experiment’” to most of the girls in school. I mostly went along with it cause...how exactly did you say no to some of the most popular girls in school and not end up the target of some serious Mean Girl shit? Right? So I started my experimenting early. My girlfriend at the time got jealous easy and she wasn’t happy about none of it...but she was also closeted and afraid of people finding out. There was a point she became a source of bullying just to throw people off.  I grew cautious of telling people. I didn’t want to be targeted anymore. I didn’t want to be used. I didn’t want to be looked at as a freak. Another secret I had to keep. Another thing I had to hide. I’m more open about it now. I still haven’t pin pointed what I am myself. And that’s ok. It really is. FOr everyone who’s unsure it’s ok. No matter your age or how long you’ve had to figure it out.

I met my husband in high school. He was a bright point in those times for me. (And a dark one too, it was high school after all. Drama.) We were on and off more than once. Him being a hormonal guy and me being the idiot that kept forgiving him when he’d come crying back to me when his attempt to move on was rejected harshly. (he’s a wonderful man but he can still act like a teenager sometimes.)

And yes, we did get married. Which leads me to another stressful point in my life. I was left on my own shortly after our marriage. My husband practically volunteered to go be sent overseas. He had to ‘prove himself’. He had to ‘get away’. And so he left. We weren’t prepared. I certainly wasn’t. For nearly a whole year I was left on my own. In a tiny apartment. At first I was ok...until both cars broke down. I had no ride and I was too scared and anxious to ask for help. Cause the one time I did I got guilt tripped about being a burden to my husband by someone he worked with giving me a ride. and the manager of the apartment was a ‘military hater’. So she wasn’t happy about us. So I felt trapped. Alone. Scared. Isolated. And I gained 100+ pounds from ordering out cause I had no way to leave. It was  dark time and I was a mess and the apartment went to shit cause of it too. It was my first mental break. I didn’t recognize it then. I do now though. When my husband returned it was to a barely kept together apartment and a wife that was suddenly overweight and mentally unsound. It was a stressful time. I tried to get help...but they did nothing but throw medication at me that didn’t work.

One of the many reasons I don’t fully trust doctors.

Fast forwarding by a lot, skipping over quite a few little things that went on that probably had some affect on me. But we’re gonna go with big things for now. We’re in alabama now. I need a job. Jody helps me get one at a bowling alley on base. It’s my first job after FIVE YEARS of me trying and searching with little luck. The place was ok at first. But things went downhill fast. The promised hours were not what I got. The manager ran two buildings and the one I was at was the one she hated the most. (She admitted this often.) She micromanged everything. Talked down to everyone. Expected more than was could be given.

I was doing the job of 10 other people at that place. And for not enough hours and during the BUSIEST times of the week. The weekends. Most people will scoff at that. “Only the weekends? Pffft! You wimp! You child! That’s nothing!” Yeah. Maybe it is. But those three days of work? They were awful. They were draining and it got to the point I would actually cry before having to go back cause it was so bad. I hated it. But I kept trying cause I felt guilty. I felt weak. And I didn’t want to disappoint my husband who HELPED me get the job. During all this stress I found out I was pregnant. (this part is very upsetting for me and might be for others too. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this.) I didn’t know how to feel when I looked at that stupid pee stick. I was dumbfounded. I told my husband and...his reaction broke my heart. He panicked. Badly. He had to be sure. We went to a doctor. They confirmed. Their ‘Congratulations’ hurt me. It cut too deep. Cause I knew what my husband wanted to do. He wasn’t ready and he was panicking with every day.

He had me convinced we couldn’t do it. I knew it was bull. I knew it wasn’t true. The military would have paid him MORE to have the baby. I knew it. THey increase pay for such things. But I didn’t know how to fight him on it. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want him to regret or resent me. So...I went along. I agreed.

I know I told some people that it was done cause it was affecting my health. I lied. I felt too ashamed to tell the truth. I didn’t want to say “we got rid of it cause we weren’t ready”. Cause that wasn’t all true. HE wasn’t ready. I was more than so. I always wanted kids. At least one. But he...

He once told me “If it happens then it happens and we’ll deal”...that was clearly not the case. The abortion broke me. Both mentally and emotionally and physically. I hurt. So much. I still have nightmares at times. Not as often anymore thankfully. But back then it was almost every night afterwards. I...I went back to work. I had to. What else could I do? But not long after returning I just couldn’t anymore. I saw a therapist and he was kind. Understanding. I wasn’t used to that from doctors in the military. He helped some. But it was a temporary thing. Not a full time therapist. But even with his help I could stick it. I had to get away from that job and I needed time.

So I quit...And I felt ashamed and guilty cause I was handed that job on a silver platter and I couldn’t stick to it. I did for 4 years but I still felt horrible.

I stopped seeing that doctor. I stopped taking my meds. I just...tried to move on on my own. I tried to find other things to do. I had my friends online and they helped a lot. I disappeared into my writing. I distracted myself for a long, long time. Then things started going downhill ‘last year’, of 2019. Money getting tighter. Friends getting busy. Some of my favorite places to hang out online, RP forums mostly, were slowing or dying and shutting down. Some of the people I called friends weren’t talking to me anymore. I knew some were just busy and dealing with their own lives but it still felt painful and I felt alone again. Even with a house of three dogs, a roommate, a husband...I felt unwanted. Unloved. Useless. worthless. Pitiful. Shameful. Painful. I couldn’t sleep right. I was staying up for DAYS straight cause of my nightmares and insomnia and my brain just not turning off. I barely ate. My husband had started doing new better work but also college classes and had NO TIME. No time to talk. No time to sit with me anymore. No time. And I knew he needed space to work. I understood that. I wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t that he didn’t care he was just too busy to focus on anything but. Yet it still hurt. I was alone. I felt hollow and full of nothing but darkness at the same time. As dramatic as that sounds. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to not be a burden. I didn’t want the people I knew to feel they had to bother with me anymore. They wouldn’t need to worry or care or bother checking on me anymore. No more emotional mess that is me. No more mother hen monster fussing. No more pestering to hang out. No more.

I had a plan. I had a method. I had a place. All I needed was to wait for my husband to leave in the morning. Make sure the roommate was still sleeping in like always. And I’d take care of it all. I’d stop being a pest, a burden, a mess, a black mark on the lives of those I knew. I’d stop being a disappointment, a failure, a weakling, a pathetic excuse of life.

But one night...I realized those thoughts were wrong. just a moment. Just a spark of a thought. Through the dark fog that dominated my mind. And I sat down and talked to my husband. I told him what was wrong. I told him what I had planned to do. And he took me to someone as soon as possible. They sent me to a hospital (by the way 16 hours waiting in a hospital room is AWFUL and hospitals should be ashamed). And THEY sent me to a Behavioral Health Facility. A nut house. Yeah. BHF is just the nice way to name it. I was there for three days. It seemed to help. I calmed down. I discovered I had diabetes while there too.  I continued to seek treatment. I got my therapist. I got my psychiatrist. I have help now. Continuous help. Consistent help. And I’ve stayed on my meds this time. All this started in May 2019. I went into the BHF on May 10, 2019 and I’ve done my best to stick with everything. I’ve realized a lot about myself and I’m working on a lot of things. I’m hoping to keep getting better. There are a lot of people that helped along the way. People that kept me from doing something I’d regret sooner. Some that helped me more than they could ever realize and I wish I still talked to them. But I know they’ve had life keep them down. I want to thank them right now for being there for me. Misty, Tahki, Jessi, Tana, Fishy, Oobi, Verg, Aru, Naan, that one person who kept answering my depressing blogs and cheering me up ( I’m so sorry I can’t remember your name at this time I feel horrid), There are so many others...I want to thank you all. I’d @ you but I don’t want to disturb you with this long ass mess. I love you guys. Always will. I’m sorry for not talking to any of you more. But know I’m still here. And I’m still thinking of you. Always.

[venus-says]

Star Twinkle Precure Episodes 34-36

What is this thing that has been going on with kid’s shows and mafia recently, huh?

As I slowly get back into my feet with this blog, here I am for another round of Star Twinkle Precure!

It feels like I don't do one of these in ages, and boy I feel rusty. But I gotta be honest, I thought my StarPre burnout had gone away, but actually it didn't? I know that saying this, at this point of the year, makes me sound like those haters who suddenly start to hate the current season when the new season is near to be announced, but I'm really not feeling Star Twinkle anymore. And it's not that the show is bad, when I'm actually watching it I usually have fun even if it's not an episode I like too much, but I just don't feel excited to get back to it every week, you know? I think I feel better in tackling like 3 or 4 episodes all at once rather than doing it weekly for some reason. But anyway, I think this is enough, I had my moment to vent out, now we can go to the episodes.

The first episode of this batch, Episode 34, is probably the better out of the three. I believe this is the first episode focused on Elena that was solely focused on her and where she was the major active force of the episode, which I like, we need more of this. This was a very beautiful episode that touched on communication and understanding issues in a very respectful, easy to understand, and heartwarming way.

Not gonna lie, I was skeptical when the pendants didn't work to translate the alien's language (once again), but as the episode progressed I could understand why and I quite liked the reasoning for that. The alien uses non-verbal language so there's nothing to be "translated" so the pendants don't work, it's such a good detail. And it's this different form of communication that makes the episode more interesting because the girls have to take other things into consideration when trying to talk with the alien, and I think that this also plays well on the conflict of this episode. They were so focused on other things while trying to pass their message on the best way possible, that they didn't think that showing a flower that wasn't in their "natural habitat" and that was also being commercialized to an alien that is a plant could be a problem.

And I think that it works beautifully with the message of the episode that communication isn't always clear and that slip-up happens so you gotta be considerate of the other person, you gotta always try to know more about them so both of you can convey your feelings in the best way possible and if there's any noise on the communication this can eventually be talked through and both parts can come to an understanding together. Now, I do think there are some holes in their logic, but the message is still good and I like to see a kids' show putting that out there especially nowadays.

So yeah, this episode was great. If I have something bad to talk about is that the fight was horrendous. I think that it would've been more effective if, at the end, Elena and the alien had hugged since this was an issue through-out the episode and it felt like if they were building up for that moment to happen, but the ending we got was just as sweets so I don't think it was a bad decision.

Sadly my praises will pretty much end there because I didn't enjoy the next two episodes as much.

35 to me was just kinda dumb and I could care less about it. Like, Himenojo was good and all but it wasn't enough to keep me interested. And, at least to me, having Star go super saiyan and "discover" a new power on this episode was not as good or rewarding as they intended it to be.

Episode 36 was a bit interesting, but I didn't enjoy it as much because there were sometimes that I felt like the show was calling me dumb. But I don't know if I should complain about it, you know? Like, as an adult I know that the worlds isn't so black and white, and I know that stealing is wrong but you can't simply just condemn a person for doing it without knowing their reason, so when this conflict is brought to the show and they're so keen on telling Yuni "DON'T STEAL" to me seems dumb because on my adult mindset it looks like they're not taking in consideration that you can't just ask someone from the mafia to give you something back because you can end up killed. But this is a kid's show so they kinda can get away with doing that. But even though I completely understand this, I can't deny that I was bothered by it while I was watching.

But despite having this point that threw me off I still liked some things that this episode did, like introducing a movie character into the main story so the movie doesn't seem as isolated and unnecessary. The cop lady... or cop dog... or cop dog lady was lots of fun and I really liked her despite not agreeing with her visions in some points. The moment when the girls dressed up as the mafia was also kinda funny, though I don't like that the other 4 girls weren't dressed for the occasion as well as Yuni and Fuwa. And the part of the episode that to me was the most funny is that Yuni did all of that just to try to retrieve a mood ring when she could've easily just picked Lala's ship, go to the US, and get into a thrift store where I'm sure she could find one without that much trouble.

And I believe this is all I have to say about Star Twinkle. I'm not as excited about the Halloween episode, but since Yuni will apparently be getting her Twinkle Imagination on the episode next to it I'm gonna try my best to bring this week's episode not so far from the day it airs. In any case, thank you all and I'll see you on a next time.

[ellynore-moonwood]

Ellynore’s 2017 Summary

This year has been a wild ride for me in so many ways, and I figured now would be a good time to sum up how I’ve felt about 2017 as a whole while it’s about to come to a close at the end of this weekend. I’ll try to keep it brief and concise, but if it ends up becoming a lengthier read, I do apologise. ^^;           I’ll also clarify that I don’t want to seem pretentious or anything of the sort. This is just an honest summary of how I’m looking back on the year in my own perspective and how things have gone with me. 2017 has had it’s ups and downs, but like every upcoming year, we all hope it turns out better than the last in some way or other. 

January - Not a lot of things happening, except getting a brand new laptop and searching for new material to use for voice acting as I spent most of it doing some writing on the side and browsing Tumblr looking for audio posts that could give me new ideas. I had a couple projects that were in-progress but not a lot of progress was being made, unfortunately. That didn’t stop me, though, since I continued contributing my voice to some YouTube videos made by @bettinalevyisdetermined as the awesome Undertale fish spearwoman Undyne. 

February - Vine died, I spent the first half of the month revising my relationship status and goals, as well as “A Date with Markiplier” fangirling all throughout the second half of the month. After a month of supporting @distortional I got to meet them and learn about them as a person, and eventually was inspired and motivated to try voicing out Darkiplier. If you haven’t heard it, you can listen to it here. I’ll warn you, it was my very first time and it does sound a bit cringy, but I’ll let you guys be the judge of that. 

March - The founding of @theglitchedsystem came to be and I got straight into work while also battling some stress but later overcoming it with some help and guidance from the other VAs who took part in the project. Definitely had a lot of fun being a part of this sub-community in a major way throughout this whole year. 

April - I turned 24 and upgraded my Samson Go microphone to a Blue Yeti Blackout! 

May - Further progression with voice acting and making new friends along the way. I also managed to properly master how to voice Darkiplier and became more confident with improv voice acting. 

June - Facing new challenges and preparing for Winter. Spoiler alert, felt more like an extended Autumn, instead, most likely due to the fact that most Aussie Winters have a lot of sunshine, and when there’s a lot of that, it gets really warm. Fun fact: at this time of year, it’s not uncommon to see people walking outside wearing summer clothes when it gets around 15 degress Celsius or higher. You’re welcome.  [EDIT] - I had forgotten to add that I was at a pop culture convention on that month and met my voice acting idol Jennifer Hale in person! I got a heartwarming signature and message from her, a hug, and even requested a short audio of her voicing one of my favourite voices she did for a game I played. Meeting her ignited a new spark in me to further pursue my dream in becoming a voice actor and I felt so happy that day. 

July - Met more new friends and followers throughout my voice acting career while also facing some minor networking issues like followers not getting along with each other. Seriously, a community is about making friends and being with great, like-minded people. If there’s any drama happening, take it outside, no questions asked. Less people get caught in the crossfire that way. On a lighter note, “Darkiplier vs. Antisepticeye” was the talk of the town even after the end of that month. 

August - Friendships have strengthened, especially with the “Kill Jacksepticeye” video which made an escalated return of Antisepticeye. If you have friends who are as hyped about something as you are, stick with them. You won’t have to deal with the shock alone and the experience is better when shared with friends. On a sad note, my grandmother had passed away which affected me and my whole family since she was my last grandparent and I’ll never forget her. Rest in peace, Nanna. <3

September - Continued voice acting as usual while also taking up a couple more responsibilities that I picked up from August and carried it further as a way of helping followers whenever they’re feeling down or facing a tough situation where they need some advice. I learned a lot about some people in particular and I wish them nothing but happiness. 

October - Preparing for the Halloween season which felt a little bit underwhelming compared to last year. Let’s hope next year will be better. I will say, I did get to watch a bunch of horror movies and cartoon specials and those were a lot of fun and were a great way of relieving stress. Got to collaborate with @melissatreglia for the very first time with the event she hosted called “Darktober” where I helped with audio editing as well as manage a HUGE voice acting project titled “The Hostage.” 

November - This month in particular was spent trying to get voice acting excerpts done and ready to post before going on a week-long holiday away with my family at the end of the month while also tackling with job searching in bulk. It got a bit emotional and stressful for me leading up to the last few days, but I finally got a chance to relax and spend time with my family while not having to worry about voice acting. It was a good break away from home.

And here comes the final month of 2017, which includes venting. 

December - Compared to every other month, December was absolute hell and filled with truckloads of (pardon my language) bullshit. While there were some upsides like going to my first midnight theatre screening to see “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” and having a fun and enjoyable Christmas break, everything else was nothing but chaos and drama which left me in a mental state of shock and anxiety at extreme levels. I’m not going to sugarcoat it as it was a huge deal and some parts of it are still fresh in my mind.           In short, four people who were formerly part of the TGS (The Glitched System) sub-community went to war against my friend and leader, Distortional, as well as aiming pitchforks at anyone who didn’t side with the bad guys. It was at that point where I was engulfed with rage and wanted to fight back for the sake of my friends because I felt that they were wronged. If it wasn’t for the fact that I heard about it late at night, I would have been punching a lot of things around my room, I was that angry. But, that backfired as the fingers were soon pointed at me for three days straight. Needless to say, I didn’t take the bashlash very well. A first for everything, I suppose. Luckily, several other witnesses who also got hurt were incredibly supportive, they gave me the full story about what really happened, and I soon learned who my true friends are. Looking back at my lackluster performance with the aftermath of the whole debacle, it took me a week after finally blocking those abusive, immature people to clear my head and recover from the shock and emotional abuse*. The witnesses I spoke of have already moved on but let’s pray that those responsible will look back and rethink their actions for next time. This ordeal has allowed me to retain the experience I had that I will use to, hopefully in the future, better deal with manipulative people and call them out if they end up going around backstabbing people.             In other words (again, pardon my language), anyone who fucks with me and my friends will be remembered but not in a good way. If you can’t be friends with other people and don’t enjoy being part of a certain community, the most responsible thing you can do is just leave quietly and move along. And by quietly, I seriously mean quietly. My blog and community are a drama-free zone 24/7. Respect it. 

TL;DR, When drama hits and your friends are hurt, you feel inclined to stand by them till the bitter end, even if it ends up with you biting the bullet. That’s loyalty. Plus, and this is a bit pessimistic even for me, not everyone is going to like you, but haters gonna hate and the people who really want to stick around for you are your true supporters. 

* [Note: Please don’t confuse it for PTSD as it happened in the present time, not as a flashback to a past event.]

And that’s 2017 for me. 

As for what I’m going to do for 2018, I have plans on doing more voice acting but hoping to go bigger and better by taking on roles I’ve done previously and adding new ones in the mix for variety purposes. 

I’m also going to dedicate more focus on my YouTube channel where I do more videos on voice acting in video games. I am continuing “Night in the Woods,” though future episodes are bound to be longer than twenty minutes as it is considered a more relaxing game with a lot of in-game dialogue. I just need to find opportunities when I can record with no unnecessary noise in the background as well as voice out more louder characters when I come across them. 

If you guys want to suggest something to me for 2018 to work on, whether it’s audios here or videos on my channel, my ask and submission boxes are always open. I hope you guys had a good 2017 and wish you guys nothing but the best for 2018. Stay safe, keep your chin up and having a pleasant New Year’s! :D

- Ellynore Moonwood