#if you're like.

[larsnicklas]

INTRODUCING: megan's definitive nhl captains fuckability scale, 1 being i personally would not under any circumstances, 10 being i will fly to where you are just say the word. okay let's go team!

(disclaimer: i am joking. i don't actually want to fuck these men!! and if i vehemently do not want to fuck an nhl man you DO want to fuck. more power to you!! he's all yours!! and if i vehemently DO want to fuck a man you also want to fuck. he's still all yours i would never sleep with a hockey player i know what they're like!!!!)

ATLANTIC brad m.archand: 3.5. like i know myself he COULD rizz me up but he'd have to work pretty hard like it wouldn't be an automatic yes sasha b.arkov: 9. he has an Aura he would not have to work hard at all i would in fact be working to rizz HIM up (<- matthew ghostwrote) steven s.tamkos: 4. this goes up to like a 7. if we invite h.edman. john t.avares: 3.5. ok don't get me wrong here. he IS handsome!! but i'm not getting any vibes here that say we would work. like it's not a NO. but it's not like i'm Interested off the bat. and i don't think he could rizz me up. kyle o.kposo: 6.5. like yeah i would. wouldn't go out of my way to approach but if approached would say yes. nick s.uzuki: 5. cute!! a true neutral imo. he does seem stressed often (side effect of being h.abs captain) so like maybe for fun. out of the goodness of my heart. to loosen him up a little. etc. brady t.kachuk: 2. NOT bc he's not fuckable in his own right but because the spectre of his brother would be hanging over me. does that make sense.

METRO jake t.rouba: 8. have long had a fondness for him. decent politics which is SO rare so that probably actually pushes him to a 9. jordan s.taal: 1. not the worst s.taal. but also i do have standards. i realize this list is not really backing me up on that claim. but i do have them. f.lyers rep: if most recent captain (g.iroux) like a 9.5. if assumed future captain (tk.onecny) like probably a 4. not for me but could be persuaded. if g.ritty — sidney c.rosby: 2. this is once again not a general fuckability scale it's a personal one. i would not fuck a pittsburgh p.enguin. if he goes to another team ever (i don't want him to!! he's a p.enguin for life!!) we can revisit this. nico h.ischier: 8. solid 8. good vibes, nice hair, big brown eyes. like he wouldn't have to work that hard you know. alex o.vechkin: 9. huge man. face that is interesting to look at (this is a compliment). at the stars game this weekend he knocked a guy over and then stood over him imposingly. i think i blacked out. boone j.enner: 2. my mind slides over him. i KNOW he exists. but my brain doesn't. like he's not that objectionable per se i just don't see a world in which i wouldn't instead go for whatever guy he's standing next to.

CENTRAL gabe l.andeskog: 9.5. this is not a looks thing. he IS handsome but it's in a bland way. this is an Aura thing and also a Hockey thing. power forward with commanding presence who can wrangle a team with really strong personalities. gabriel call me i am free on thursdays — jamie b.enn: 0. less than a 1. my least favorite n.hl player besides the ones who are actual criminals. terrible rep around here with locals. tips like shit. bunchmoxgate. under no circumstances would i consider him fuckable. in my mind joe p.avelski is the stars captain lmao. adam l.owry: 6. would clock him across a bar but not be interested enough to go over. but would be down if asked. brayden s.chenn: 6.5. i think he's really personable. another one that's like, it wouldn't be an immediate yes but he definitely could charm me. it would be more of a yeah this could be fun than an I Want You kind of way but nonetheless i would c.oyotes rep: is their most recent captain o.el?? it's been such a long time then...? he's like an 8. if a current alternate... 6 for c.rouse, 7 for s.chmaltz, 4 for k.eller. jared s.purgeon: 5. no he's not very tall but neither am i so it's fine. i think he does have a vibe i could be into hypothetically. but i'd have to see. chicago rep: i would not fuck a chicago b.lackhawk captain of the last few decades etc.

PACIFIC quinn h.ughes: 7 in a vacuum. 3 in the context of feeling bad about how much i want his teammate. mark s.tone: 5. true neutral again here. wouldn't go for him but wouldn't walk away. connor m.cdavid: 6.5? i think this would depend on whether funny dorky connor or very media trained connor showed up. hey do you think he'd tell me why he didn't go to dylan's wedding — anze k.opitar: 8.5. yes. hard yes. i'd be seeking flirtatious eye contact from across the room. k.raken rep: okay if we're talking most recent captain (g.iordano) i would say that's like a 3. not interested but not like. repulsed. of the alternates though. adam l.arsson YOU are an 8. call me anytime. mikael b.acklund: 6.5. like i could be into him. i can see it. i think this would also be a semi pity fuck. not because HE is pitiful but because i feel bad about the state of his franchise. ducks rep: most recent captain (g.etzlaf) is probably a 4.5? the gut reaction is like a 2.5 but if i think about it. i bet he has a commanding presence. i could be persuaded i think. logan c.outure: 1. absolutely not.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Vulcan teen on Vulcan [tiktok] saying "I have just lost track of my father in the grocery store." The camera turns to show the viewers the grocery store in which almost every single older middle-aged man has a bowlcut and long robes. Camera turns back to show the teen's face which is expressionless and yet communicates all it needs to.

[dredsina]

Ive said this before but swear the biggest skill to learn as an adult is how to resist high-pressure sales tactics. You do NOT have to answer questions with anything other than "Sorry I'm not interested." No matter how nice they are or no matter how many follow up questions they ask or even how agitated they get when you stand your ground. Just keep saying I'm not interested. Don't answer their questions. Don't give them an opening to try to push back on your reasons. Be a fucking brick wall of I'm not interested.

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[eggsistential-breakdown]

Okay, but hear me out -- what if his parents weren't usually red and blue?

[blackwoolncrown]

I get it, I really do, but I feel like ppl w decision paralysis related to Gazans are also suffering from a kind of non-malignant egotism

"who do I decide to give it to? everyone needs help! I can't help them all!"

You're not the only person they're asking!!!!!

If you choose one person to help that day, a bunch of other ppl choose others

stopping to overthink your inflated importance as an individual versus one in many is what's giving you paralysis

the more you burden yourself as an incapable hero the less you all act as a group-- which is the exact answer you're looking for

fkn close your eyes, scroll on OOB and donate to whoever you click on first

you're not god, it's not your job to save everyone

JUST DO SOMETHING

[ganymedesclock]

I think cis people should also be their gender of choice. Like, if you're a man, you should get to really enjoy being a man- have fun with it! If you're a woman, take the parts of womanhood that really deeply make you happy. If being a little androgynous or ambiguous or hidden is the part that really makes you happy, you don't have to be trans for that. If you wanna lean really hard into being femme or masc- do it! You have one life in your body, do what makes you happy. Ditch the stuff you don't like.

My sinister queer agenda is I think that everyone should be the gender they like in the way they like it.

[inbabylontheywept]

i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.

adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.

right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.

it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.

still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.

i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.

i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.

so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.

coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."

and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.

still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.

i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.

so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went

...oh.

and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.

so i did.

i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.

i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.

it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:

*ptooie.* "that all you got?"

i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!

but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.

my coach did not.

i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.

"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"

and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said

"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."

which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.

and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.

fine.

but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.

and then he left.

and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."

but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.

and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.

he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.

and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

[captainjonnitkessler]

Sometimes I wish we would start calling out the performative radicalism on this site for the poser bullshit it is. "Remember, it's always morally correct to kill a cop!" "Don't forget to firebomb your local government office!" "Wow, it sure would be a shame if these instructions on how to make a molotov cocktail got spread around!"

Okay. But you're not killing cops or firebombing government offices. You are posting on a dying microblogging website to a carefully-curated echo chamber that has radicalized itself into thinking that taking the absolute most extreme position on any subject is praxis but that anyone discussing the most practical way to effect actual change is your sworn enemy. You do not have the street cred OR the activist cred to be talking about killing cops, babe.

[everchased]

THAT one's goin on the list too now!

[slyandthefamilybook]

why do you guys talk like you think not voting means no one gets elected

[liquidstar]

If my mom sees a significant amount of blood she gets lightheaded, and has fainted on some occasions. Once it happened when we were kids, I wasn't there to witness it but I heard the story from my dad. Basically my brothers, around 7 or 8 at the time, were playing outside while my mom was making their lunch, and she accidentally cut her finger. It wasn't anything serious, but it drew a fair bit of blood and she passed out. My dad saw this and rushed over, but he didn't really know what to do so he just sort of started slapping her to wake her up (not recommended, but he had no idea and panicked)

At that exact moment my brothers both came in from playing, and all they saw was our mom unconscious on the floor and our dad slapping her. So, like, without even saying a word to each other they both just INSTANTLY start whaling on him, like, full blown attack mode to defend our mom. Which obviously didn't help the situation, but she did wake up and everything was fine.

Now our dad says that he's actually really glad they attacked him over what they thought was going on, because it means he raised good boys. And I still think that's true, they're very good boys.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

historical drama/sitcom where two gay best friends (woman and man) get lavender married--and proceed to spend the Fancy European Honeymoon their parents paid for acting as each other's wingman

[draculas-tits]

the thing about the cybertruck being marketed towards people who are afraid theyll get shot driving through a city is that no other vehicle on the market psychologically invites violence and bullets as strongly as the cybertruck does. you see a cybertruck and you wanna empty an m16 into it