#if you want a character who cut the guilt out of them to inflict the most damage

[detectiveaku]

anyways saying that cwilbur is a guiltless character is actually wild. wilbur "in a time like this, it means a man can do what he wants" soot? wilbur "i know what im like, thats the issue" soot? wilbur "i never did quite forgive myself" soot? wilbur, who would rather die than face the people he felt destined to hurt? wilbur, who would rather be remember as a monster than as a failed hero? get outta here genuinely where is this analysis coming from.

[solxamber]

Kind of want to see how you write White Rabbit!Reader overbloting with the TWST characters.

On your rules, it didn't state whether or not you wrote angst or not, soooooo......

I imagine while everyone else sees it as just teasing anxious/shy beastman, White Rabbit!Reader doesn't find it funny at all and finds it kind of insulting that people are willing to tease them in some shape or form or even try to rope them into a deal.

TBH, if I was White Rabbit!Reader, I would feel insulted or agitated that people are willing to take advantage of them.

Thank you for the request, I hope you like it <3

Part 1 with the characters interaction with white rabbit!reader

You’ve always been the nervous type. Jumpy, shy, the sort of person people look at and think, Ah, easy to tease. It’s not like you want to be like this, constantly on edge, always trying to avoid the next embarrassment. But that’s just how things are, right? No one really sees you, not beyond the anxious White Rabbit who always stumbles over their words and drops paperwork.

Everyone thinks it’s harmless. The playful teasing, the way they poke at you like it’s some kind of game. You try to smile, laugh it off, and pretend like it doesn’t bother you. But inside? It’s different. It’s not funny. It’s exhausting. Day after day, week after week—there’s only so much you can take before the cracks start to show.

As you fall deeper into your overblot, surrounded by thick, inky shadows and an overwhelming sense of betrayal, each of them reacts differently. They’ve never seen you like this before—never imagined you’d reach a breaking point. But here you are, consumed by magic, frustration, and the hurt they didn’t realize they’d inflicted.

Riddle Rosehearts:

Riddle is the first to react, freezing in place as memories of his own overblot flood back. He knows what it’s like to snap under the pressure, to feel like the world is pressing down on you with impossible expectations. But seeing you, someone so quiet and timid, become consumed by that darkness? It hits him harder than he expected.

“White Rabbit…” he mutters, voice tight, guilt pooling in his chest. He knows what it’s like to feel trapped by rules, but he never thought his teasing could push someone to this. The weight of his own overblot sits heavily in his gut. He had no right to let his frustrations out on you, to not recognize the burden you were carrying.

“Enough!” he shouts, not to you, but to the others. “This is my fault… I should’ve noticed.” He’s desperate to keep you from making the same mistakes he did.

Trey Clover:

Trey is shocked but calm, his expression unreadable as he watches the chaos unfold around you. He thought he knew you, thought you were just shy, a bit anxious. But this? This darkness swirling around you? It tells him how badly he misread things.

“I didn’t realize…” he admits under his breath. Trey has always been the ‘caretaker,’ the calm one, but he wonders now if his casual teasing and pushing you along without addressing your stress was a mistake. “I never meant for things to go this far.” He takes a step forward, hoping to pull you back from the brink.

“I’ll help you,” Trey says, trying to reach through the rage and chaos. “You’re not alone in this.”

Cater Diamond:

Cater flinches when he sees your overblot form, a deep pang of guilt hitting him. He had always laughed off your reactions, thinking you were just a little skittish. Maybe he even found it cute in a weird way. But now, seeing the result of all those moments, he’s not laughing anymore.

“Whoa… I didn’t think—” He cuts himself off, realizing there’s no way to make light of this. His chest tightens with anxiety, memories of watching Riddle’s overblot flood his mind. He’s always been the type to avoid confrontation, to stay on the sidelines and keep things light. But now, he feels guilty for not paying more attention to your feelings.

“I didn’t mean for it to go this far,” Cater says softly, watching the chaos unravel. “Come on, this isn’t like you…”

Ace Trappola:

Ace is terrified but refuses to show it, the smirk on his face slipping into something much more serious as he watches you spiral. He knew you were jumpy, but he never expected this from you. The thought that his teasing, his joking around, might’ve actually hurt you? It’s a hard pill to swallow.

“Damn… you’re really pissed, huh?” Ace mutters, trying to keep his voice light, but the guilt creeps in. He remembers when Riddle overblotted, how terrifying that was. He wonders if this is how you felt back then—small, powerless, cornered.

“I didn’t mean to push you so hard, okay?” he says, raising his hands defensively. He takes a step forward, though he’s still uncertain. “We’ll fix this, alright? You don’t have to do it alone.”

Deuce Spade:

Deuce’s heart races as he watches you overblot, his mind scrambling to process what’s happening. He never wanted to make you feel like this. You were his friend, and he thought the teasing was just harmless fun. But now? Now he sees how wrong he was.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Deuce shouts, stepping forward, fists clenched. He remembers when he lost control of his temper, how it felt like the world was collapsing around him. And now, you’re going through the same thing. “I didn’t mean it! I swear, I didn’t think—”

He feels sick, watching the darkness consume you. He knows what it’s like to feel cornered, but he can’t bear to see you fall apart like this. “You don’t have to go through this alone. I’m right here.”

Leona Kingscholar:

Leona watches your overblot unfold with a cold, calculating gaze, his own memories of overblot lurking in the back of his mind. He knows what it’s like to reach your breaking point, to feel like you’ve been pushed too far by the world around you. But seeing you, so jittery and anxious, transform into something so full of rage and power? It catches him off guard.

“Tch. Should’ve seen this coming,” Leona mutters, though his voice lacks its usual bite. He remembers the humiliation of his own overblot, the way it felt to be consumed by bitterness and frustration. He won’t admit it, but he feels a flicker of empathy for you.

“Don’t get cocky just because you snapped,” he says, stepping forward. “You think you’re the only one who’s been pushed too far? Get a grip.” But behind his harsh words is a hint of understanding. He knows this darkness all too well.

Ruggie Bucchi:

Ruggie’s first instinct is to run, to get as far away from the chaos as possible. But then he hesitates, seeing the pain etched into your overblotted form. He knew you were an easy target for teasing, but he never meant for things to get this bad. You’re just the anxious bunny who always jumped at shadows, right?

“Ah, man…” Ruggie rubs the back of his neck, feeling a pang of guilt. “Didn’t mean to push ya so hard.” He understands what it’s like to be at the bottom, to feel like people are using you. It’s something he’s lived with his whole life.

“Look, I get it. Everyone pushes you around, huh?” Ruggie says, his voice softer now. “But this ain’t the way to deal with it. We can figure this out, alright?”

Jack Howl:

Jack’s eyes widen as he sees the darkness surge around you. He’s always respected your timid nature, never the type to tease you like the others. But still, he didn’t realize how much pressure you were under, how deeply the teasing had cut. Seeing you overblot like this—it makes him feel guilty for not stepping in sooner.

“You...” Jack mutters, his voice filled with concern. He knows what it’s like to feel small and powerless, but he never imagined you’d reach this point. “I should’ve stopped them. I should’ve said something earlier.”

His instincts kick in, and he steps forward, determined to help you. “You don’t have to go through this alone. We’re packmates, right? I won’t let this take you.” He braces himself for whatever comes next, ready to face the storm by your side.

Azul Ashengrotto:

Azul’s eyes widen in shock, but a familiar pang of guilt hits him. Seeing you succumb to an overblot drags up memories of his own, the crushing weight of failure and inferiority pressing down on him. He had worked so hard to keep himself from feeling powerless, just as you had kept trying to stay in control.

“Not again…” Azul mutters to himself, his mind flashing back to when he was in your shoes. He had been mocked, taken advantage of, and pushed to the edge—just like you. But he realizes now how unfair it was to tease you, to make you feel as though your anxiety and insecurity were something to exploit.

He straightens up, trying to shake off his own feelings. “I won’t let you go through what I did. I’ll help you, White Rabbit.” He knows what it’s like to drown in despair, and he won’t let you be consumed by it.

Jade Leech:

Jade’s smile falters, his gaze sharp and observant as he watches your overblot unfold. To him, you had always been the anxious little White Rabbit, easy to fluster, easy to toy with. But now, seeing the raw fury and pain that has overtaken you, he wonders if he pushed too far.

“Fascinating,” he murmurs softly, though there’s a note of regret in his voice. He had always found your reactions amusing, but he never thought it would come to this. He’s not entirely unfamiliar with what it feels like to be pushed beyond one’s limit. But even so, this wasn’t what he intended.

“I wonder…” Jade steps forward slowly, voice calm. “What can be done to quell this storm?” His tone is smooth, but there’s a genuine desire to help beneath it.

Floyd Leech:

Floyd grins at first, excited by the chaos, but his grin quickly fades when he realizes how serious this is. He’s seen overblots before, but yours? It’s different. He thought messing with you was fun—seeing you all flustered and scared always gave him a good time. But now? Now, he’s not so sure.

“Oi, Rabbity” Floyd says, tilting his head. “I didn’t think you’d snap like this.” There’s a note of surprise in his voice, even a little bit of guilt. He knows what it’s like to be driven to the edge, to feel like everything is just too much, but he never thought you’d end up like this.

“Come on, don’t be boring. Let’s stop this,” Floyd says, his voice still playful, but there’s concern in his eyes.

Kalim Al-Asim:

Kalim’s heart breaks as he sees you overblot. You were always so quiet, so nervous, and he never imagined that all the teasing, all the casual comments, could push you to this point. He’s never experienced an overblot himself, but he’s seen it before—he saw Jamil’s, after all—and he knows how much pain must be inside you right now.

“I’m so sorry!” Kalim cries, rushing toward you. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like this! Please, [Name], I never wanted to hurt you!” There’s desperation in his voice as he tries to reach through the swirling darkness to get to you.

“We’re friends, right? I’ll help you! I promise!”

Jamil Viper:

Jamil’s stomach churns as he watches the darkness swallow you. It’s a feeling he knows intimately, the suffocating need for control and the constant pressure to serve, only to snap under it all. His own overblot had been a rebellion, an explosion of resentment he could no longer contain.

But you? You were different—or so he thought. Now he sees it clearly: you’ve been pushed into a corner, taken advantage of just like he was. A bitter taste fills his mouth.

He calls out to you, voice steady but not unfeeling. “Overblotting won’t free you. Trust me, I’ve been there. It might feel like the only option right now, but in the end, you’ll still be trapped—just in a different kind of cage.”

He takes a slow step closer, his mind already working through how to defuse the situation. “Let’s solve this another way. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

Vil Schoenheit:

Vil watches your transformation with narrowed eyes, his heart clenched in a mixture of anger and regret. He knows all too well the feeling of perfection slipping through his fingers, the desperation to control everything, only to lose it all. His own overblot was a moment of utter failure, a lapse in control that still stings his pride.

But this is different—your overblot is not about vanity or the fear of fading. It’s about being pushed, teased, and broken.

He steps forward, his voice sharp but laced with an undertone of empathy. “Is this what you want? To lose yourself because of what others think?” His gaze hardens, but there’s a flicker of recognition in his eyes. “I understand your frustration. I’ve been where you are, and trust me—overblotting won’t make it any better. It’ll only steal more from you.”

Vil may be harsh, but his words carry the weight of someone who’s learned a bitter lesson. “Come back to yourself, or you’ll regret it.”

Rook Hunt:

Rook’s eyes light up with both fascination and concern as he watches the darkness surround you. He’s always been keenly aware of people’s emotions, but he never realized just how much you were struggling. He thought your nervousness was simply part of your charm, but now he sees how deeply the teasing cut.

“Mon lapin, such fury!” Rook exclaims, though there’s a softness in his tone. “I never meant to push you so far. I only wished to see you shine, but I see now that I have caused you harm.”

Rook steps forward, his voice gentle. “Let me help you find your way back to the light.”

Epel Felmier:

Epel feels a pang of guilt as he watches you overblot. He thought you were just shy, just a little jumpy, and he didn’t think much of the teasing. But now, seeing the darkness consume you, he realizes how much you were holding back.

“Dang it…” Epel mutters, clenching his fists. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” He knows what it’s like to feel underestimated, to feel like you’re being pushed around, and he can’t help but feel responsible for not standing up for you sooner.

“Come on, we’re better than this! Don’t let them get to you like this!"

Idia Shroud:

Idia feels a wave of guilt wash over him as he watches your overblot. Memories of his own overblot come flooding back—the fear, the anger, the feeling of being utterly powerless. He knows what it’s like to feel like the world is against you, and seeing you go through the same thing? It hits too close to home.

“Ah, crap…” Idia mutters, running a hand through his hair. He’s been there, and it’s terrifying. The isolation, the pressure, the overwhelming urge to just… break. He never thought you’d reach that point, though. He always saw you as the timid one, the anxious White Rabbit that everyone teased, but he didn’t realize just how much you were holding in.

“I-I get it,” Idia says, his voice wavering slightly. “It’s not fair. None of it is. But you don’t have to do this.” He feels a strange connection to you now, and the last thing he wants is for you to go through what he did.

“We’ll figure it out, okay? I won’t let you end up like me.”

Ortho Shroud:

Ortho’s sensors flash in alarm as he registers your overblot. He’s never experienced one himself, but he’s seen it happen to Idia, and he knows how dangerous it can be. His eyes widen as he scans your vitals, detecting the surge of magic and stress that’s overtaking you.

“You’re overblotting!” Ortho shouts, his voice filled with concern. He hovers closer, his holographic wings fluttering as he tries to figure out how to help. “You don’t have to go through this alone! We can fix this! I promise!”

He reaches out, trying to connect with you on a personal level. “My brother went through something similar, but we helped him. We’ll help you too! You’re not alone, okay?”

Malleus Draconia:

Malleus watches your overblot with a calm, contemplative gaze. He’s no stranger to feeling isolated, to being misunderstood and feared, and seeing you succumb to the darkness brings up a strange sense of kinship. You were always anxious around him, always jumpy, and he wonders if he contributed to the pressure that broke you.

“So, even the White Rabbit has fallen to despair,” Malleus murmurs, his voice low. He knows the weight of loneliness, and he feels a deep sympathy for you. “You are not alone in this,.I will help you, as you have helped me.”

He steps forward, his presence commanding and calm. “Do not let the darkness consume you. You are stronger than you believe.”

Lilia Vanrouge:

Lilia’s playful demeanor shifts as he watches your overblot unfold. He’s lived a long life and seen many things, but overblots are always tragic. He thought your timid nature was just part of who you were, but now he sees the pain you were hiding.

“My, my… I didn’t think you’d reach this point,” Lilia says softly. “I should’ve paid more attention to the signs.” There’s regret in his voice as he steps forward, his usual playful tone replaced with seriousness.

“Come now, little one. There’s no need to let the darkness take you. We’ll get through this together.”

Sebek Zigvolt:

Sebek is taken aback by your overblot, his usually brash demeanor faltering for a moment. He thought you were just weak, just anxious, but now he sees how much pressure you were under. He didn’t expect you to snap like this.

“White Rabbit! Pull yourself together!” Sebek shouts, though there’s a hint of concern in his voice. He’s not good at dealing with emotions, but he knows what it’s like to feel like you’re not living up to expectations.

“Don’t let this consume you! You’re stronger than this!”

Silver:

Silver watches you overblot with a calm but concerned expression. He’s always been quiet, like you, and he knows what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by the expectations of others. He didn’t think the teasing would push you this far, but now he regrets not stepping in sooner.

“I should’ve noticed,” Silver says softly. “I should’ve done more to help you.” He steps forward, his voice gentle. “You don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here.”

Rollo Flamme

Rollo’s eyes blaze with a mixture of horror and triumph as he watches you descend into your overblot. The corruption seeping through your veins, the monstrous form taking shape—it only reinforces everything he’s ever believed about the dangers of magic, especially from those at NRC.

“This is exactly what I’ve warned against,” he mutters, his voice cold. He steps back, disgust etched on his face as he tightens his grip on his staff. “Another student, corrupted by the very environment they’re surrounded by.”

He glares at the swirling darkness around you, his hatred for Night Raven College deepening. “This place… it turns even the meekest into monsters. You should’ve never come here.”

Yet, despite his disdain, there’s a flicker of pity in his eyes. “ I had hoped you’d be different.” But that hope has been dashed, and now, all he sees is confirmation of his worst fears.

Dire Crowley:

Crowley stands frozen for a moment, his usual air of superiority faltering as the gravity of the situation hits him. “[Name]… an overblot? How could this happen under my watch?” His voice is laced with disbelief, but it’s quickly replaced by a sense of urgency.

“This is most unfortunate!” he exclaims, hands fluttering in a dramatic display of panic. “But do not fear, my dear student, your magnanimous headmaster will ensure that you are saved!”

Despite his outward bravado, there’s a flicker of guilt in his eyes. He knew how much you struggled, but he never paid enough attention. Always too busy, always passing off the responsibility to others.

“Now, let’s remain calm, everyone!” he declares, trying to rally the other students. “We must contain the situation! For the good of the school, of course.”

Divus Crewel:

Crewel’s sharp eyes narrow as he takes in the scene, the dark magic radiating off you in waves. He’s trained many students, seen plenty of potential disasters, but this… this is something he should have seen coming.

“Overblot?” he mutters, shaking his head. “Honestly, pup, I expected better from you. Letting your emotions take control? That’s a rookie mistake.”

His words are biting, but there’s a hint of something softer beneath them. He doesn’t pity you, but he understands the pressure you’ve been under. He’s seen students buckle before, and now it’s happening again.

“You’re better than this,” he says, his voice dropping lower. “Get a hold of yourself before you do something truly irreversible. Or do I have to clean up your mess, too?”

Crewel doesn’t tolerate weakness, but he’s not about to let you fall without trying to snap you out of it.

Mozus Trein:

Trein’s stern gaze hardens as he watches the chaos unfold. There’s no surprise in his eyes, only a deep, resigned understanding. “Another overblot…” he mutters under his breath, his face grave but composed. “You, of all people…”

He adjusts his glasses, his expression lined with disappointment. “It is always the quiet ones, the ones who bottle their emotions until they explode. I should have seen it coming.”

Trein steps forward, his voice measured and calm despite the swirling darkness around you. “Magic is a gift, not a tool for reckless venting of one’s frustrations. Overblotting won’t bring you peace, only further destruction.”

Though his words are stern, there’s a flicker of sympathy in his eyes. He’s seen too many students fall victim to their own emotions, and he knows that sometimes, the weight of expectations and pressure is too much for anyone to bear.

“Control yourself,” he says, his tone softening slightly. “You are not the first to feel overwhelmed, but you must find another way to deal with it.” His words are laced with the wisdom of experience, but whether or not you hear them in your current state is another matter entirely.

Ashton Vargas:

Vargas frowns, confusion etched on his face as he watches your overblot unfold. You? The shy, anxious student who could barely run a lap? He never expected you’d be capable of this.

“Whoa, hold on!” he shouts, rushing forward with the same intensity he brings to every physical challenge. “What’s going on here? Overblotting isn’t the answer! You need to sweat it out, not let it take over!”

His approach is as straightforward as ever, but there’s a genuine concern in his voice. He’s used to pushing his students to their limits, but he never meant for you to break like this.

“Come on,” he says, raising his voice like a coach urging you to keep going. “You’re stronger than this! Fight it! Don’t let the darkness win!”

Sam:

Sam watches from the shadows, his usual carefree smile slipping as he observes your overblot. “Well, well, looks like things got a little out of hand, huh?” His tone is light, but there’s an underlying seriousness that’s hard to miss.

He’s seen plenty of students walk through his shop, weighed down by their struggles, but you? You were always so jittery, so nervous. He never thought you’d snap like this.

“Hey now,” he calls out, his voice steady and calm. “You don’t want to go down this path. Trust me, there’s no deal worth making with that kind of power.”

He steps closer, keeping his movements slow and unthreatening. “Let’s talk it out, yeah? No need to let this magic get the best of you. After all, you’ve still got plenty of life left in you—and it’s worth more than whatever this overblot’s promising.”

Sam’s no stranger to dark magic, but he’s not about to let you drown in it without a fight.

Grim:

Grim's reaction to your overblot would be a mix of shock, fear, and frustration. Despite his usual bravado, seeing you consumed by darkness would unsettle him deeply. He paces back and forth, tail puffed up and ears flat against his head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are ya doin', henchman? This isn't part of the plan!" Grim yelps, his voice a bit shaky despite the tough front. He jumps back as the overblot's magic flares, eyes wide. "You can't just let that dark stuff take over! You’re better than this!"

Despite his fear, Grim tries to stand tall, though his usual cockiness is nowhere to be seen. “I know you're mad and tired of gettin' pushed around, but trust me, this isn’t the way! You think I wanna lose my partner to some shadowy overblot nonsense?”

His little paws are clenched into fists as he edges closer, determined. “We’ve gotta fight this! You’ve still got me, right? I’m not lettin’ you go without a fight!”

Masterlist

[softsan]

˚ 🥀⊹ 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐋, 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐌 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐄. (𝐩𝐭.𝟐)

✉️ ・ 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭.

✉️ ・ ── 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬: | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 |

✉️ ・ ── 𝐦𝐚𝐟𝐢𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 | 𝐲/𝐧'𝐬 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬

✉️ ・ ── 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: Mafia AU, Angst, Kingpin!Taeyong, Queenpin!Y/N, Fem!Reader, Childhood friends, Betrayal, Enemies to lovers, Eventual Smut.

✉️ ・ ── 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧:  You were the only surviving heir of the old-time Mafia kingpin that had ruled the four territories. You were long thought to be dead, living the normal life you had always wanted...Until you run into a Taeyong, a formidable ghost from your past. You are then thrown back into the Mafia underbelly, reuniting with enemies you had hoped had forgotten you. Will you run away? Will you stand beside Taeyong, kingpin of the North, and be his queen? Or will you take your rightful revenge.

✉️ ・ ── 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Possessive Themes, Future Explicit Sexual Content, Murder, Kidnapping, Strangulation, Torture, Weapons, Graphic Violence, Heavy Angst, Explicit Language, Alcohol Consumption, Mentions of Drugs, Betrayal, Morally Grey Characters.

✉️ ・ ── 𝐨𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭.

Past.

Your melodic laughter filled your family’s gardens, “Hurry up Taeyong!” You gently pulled him along, your fingers intertwined with his.

You twirled past the trees, your hair blowing behind you in the wind. He followed you wordlessly, besotted by your sweet voice. It was filled with such innocent excitement.

You dug your heels in the grass, coming to an abrupt stop by the stone water fountain that was at the garden’s center. Taeyong was still bewildered by your touch, your kindness, and most importantly how you didn’t withdraw with repulsion. You didn’t see him as the monster he was, but as a boy. A friend to play with inside this lonely cage of yours.

“Father brought them back for me from his trip,” You delightedly pointed at the fish in the pool, enamored at their beautiful colors.

Taeyong’s faint smile slowly faded, lines creasing across his forehead. His heart ached, heavy with conflict. He was stuck between what he ought to do, and what he wanted.

“You must be close to your father...”

“Not really.” You dipped your fingers into the water, letting the fish nibble at your fingertips, “He’s always been closer to my brother— ” You paused for a second, “They never allow me to go on trips with them.”

Taeyong had vision as such. He knew you’d never really seen anything past the grand walls they’d built around your family’s mansion. It was the reason why you were such an easy target—a sheltered, naïve, and longing desperately for a friend to play with.

You were the defenseless little girl who unknowingly spilled all your family’s deepest secrets, and he was the unforgivable monster that had gained your trust, and friendship. Who would soon be responsible for the cold-blooded slaughter of one of the greatest mafia families to have ever existed.

“But that’s okay," You beamed, "I’ve got you now.”

Present

Taeyong’s head pounded, his skull screaming as he rolled over onto his back. He stared absently at the ceiling, running his hands through his hair.

He couldn’t get you out of his mind. The curvature of your neck. The scar cut across your delicate skin.

It’s not possible.

You could never have survived what had been inflicted upon you... A full-grown adult couldn’t have bared it, let alone a twelve-year-old girl.

“You’re dead.” He whispered to himself. 

This was just his guilt coming back to haunt him.

“Hey, boss!” Taeil knocked on the door of Taeyong's master bedroom.

“Come in.”

“I’ve had to cover your meetings all morning. What the hell have you been doing in here?” Taeil raised a brow, glancing about Taeyong’s room, “Is there someone else here—”

“There’s no one here.” Taeyong cut Taeil off.

He knew what Taeil was implying.

"My mistake," Taeil shrugged, "All you’ve been doing lately is working, I just thought maybe you’d finally decided to balance it out with some fun.”

“What do you need?” Taeyong’s voice was curt, clearly not in the mood for this conversation.

"Yuta and Winwin are on sight for today’s job." Taeil brushed off Taeyong's attitude, "But they've just called in for some backup," He readjusted his black glove as he talked, “It appears a handful of Eastern forces have eyes on our target too.”

Taeyong gritted his teeth, his pride taking offense. The East was overstepping itself by entering his territory without his permission. Moreso, they dared to come after his targets too? Taeyong had thought they’d know better, especially after the last time.

“What are you doing?” Taeil frowned.

Taeyong rose from his bed, opening his closet to reveal a number of suits and ties, “I’m going to greet our little friends” He said mockingly.

“Boss—" Taeil wavered his hands, "You can’t be serious.” Taeil's eyes widened in alarm, “These are just some low-level thugs. Yuta and Winwin are more than capable of handling it themselves.”

“And yet, they request backup?”

“As —aa precaution!” Taeil tried not to stumble over his words.

Taeyong began to button up his white-collared shirt, “It’s been a while since I’ve been in the field. I'm itching to spill some blood,” His tongue instinctively darted at his lips.

That’s what I like to call fun.

Taeil shook his head disapprovingly. If Taeyong were to go, then there was no way tonight wouldn’t end up in an utter blood bath.

“I’ll make sure all the paperwork is in order,” Taeil grumbled, dreading the outcome of tonight.

You spent most of your free time curled under your blankets mindlessly binge-watching reality TV shows. You had two assignments due by the end of the week, and yet you couldn’t bring yourself to work on any of them. 

Your thoughts would dwell on the devilish ghost from you dreams. The ghost you’d wished had remained as but a nightmare. 

Too many years have passed. He doesn’t recognize me. You tried to comfort yourself to no avail.

You’d never be safe again if he came to know of your existence. Neither, would the ones you held dear, such as foster sister Yebin and your roommate Jen. Their lives would all be in jeopardy if Taeyong were to ever uncover the truth.

“I cannot believe it!” Jen barged into your bedroom, her nostrils flared with frustration.

“What’s wrong?” You tore your eyes away from the television. 

“He’s with another girl!”

You blinked a couple of times, waiting for Jen to elaborate.

“He told me that he was just going to play pool with the guys.”

You slowly nodded, catching on. Jen was talking about her latest fling, whom she’d met in her economics class. 

“Maybe he is,” You said, instantly regretting it as Jen came charging at you, sticking her phone in your face.

“Do you see this?!”

You did. Jen was holding down her fling’s friend’s Instagram story, replaying it over and over. You sighed. He clearly had another girl on his lap and was at a house party of sorts.

“We need to go now!”

“Go?” Your lips tilted downward “I’m in my PJs, already!” Your eyebrows knitted together.

“You’ve been in your PJs for the last three days.” Jen dismissed, throwing back your covers and yanking you away from your comfortable warmth.

“Jennnnn,” You whined. “Just break up with him over text. You guys haven’t even been together for that long.”

“Not a chance! I need to see his face when he realizes he’s lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

You groaned as Jen flung one of her low-cut miniskirts at you.

“Wear this,” She demanded, “Oh, and this.” She threw one of her neon tube tops at you.

“I’m going to freeze to death.”

“We are going to look so hot. He’s going to regret ever fucking us over,” Jen vowed, ignoring your protests.

“He blends quite well as a college student,” Winwin apathetically commented on their target who was mingling on the opposite side of the room.

“He’s at a house party drinking his fucking ass off,” Yuta replied less than impressed.

Taeyong remained silent. He and his boys were at the edge of a room, pretending to down cups of stale beer as the obnoxiously loud music thundered throughout the house.

Over by the bean bags was their target. He was the scumbag that had taken loans from a few high-profile clients of Taeyong’s before heading underground without paying his dues. Unsurprisingly, it appeared he owed money to the Eastern gangs as well. Not that Taeyong would give them the chance of getting their hands on him. 

Taeyong’s clients had requested a particularly brutal kind of hit. One Taeyong had every intention of carrying out. 

The beat of the music thumped the ground at your feet. You wobbled after Jen, carefully trying not to trip in your seven-inch heels. You cursed her under your breath. Did she really need to drag you along?

“I see him.” She shouted over the music. You nodded, without hearing a word.

You weren’t accustomed to being around so many people. Bodies dancing and bumping into each other. You were completely out of your element. You couldn’t hear a thing, you could barely walk, and your skirt was continually threatening to rise up on you.  

Jen’s cage-like grip pulled you deeper into the vast living room.

Taeyong's mask of indifference fell instantaneously, and so did his of beer. It spilled at Yuta’s feet before rolling away.

Taeyong ignored Yuta's vexation, his sight focused solely on you. He hadn’t imagined he’d see you so soon. Your twinkling eyes, your pouting lips.

Taeyong’s eyes drifted to what you were wearing. You were sporting, a skirt that shouldn’t have really been called a skirt and a top that barely covered your breasts. He tried not to observe the smooth skin of your legs and how your shoulders glistened under the colorful lights. 

The heat in his chest bubbled, awakening something he thought long to be dead. 

Why are you here? 

You took a left following your friend who was dragging you deeper into the room.

"I need to get her out of here.” He directed to his boys, shouting over the music. 

“What are you talking about?” Winwin raised his voice, “Johnny’s in position." His eyes furrowed, "He's about to take his shot.”

Taeyong couldn’t allow you to see what was about to unfold here. 

“Yuta," He ordered, "Get her friend.”

Yuta’s eyes followed Taeyong’s line of sight. He was thrown by the sudden change of plans, it wasn’t like his leader to hesitate and risk endangering the mission. 

You could see Jen’s sort of boyfriend in the distance. Jen kept her pace, swerving past those who danced. You weren’t as elegant accidentally bumping into a woman a few feet taller than yourself. The woman was pissed, her face red from drink. She shoved you, Jen’s tight grip loosening. You yelped, anticipating you’d fall to the ground. However, your back collided with another. Thankfully, they’d broken your fall. 

“It’s all right, I’ve got you.” His voice whispered in your ear, the heat of his breath sending shivers down your spine.

You tried to push away from the stranger, but he had an iron-like grip around your waist.

“Let me go!” You tried to cry over the music.

“I can’t do that.” The stranger said, carefully spinning you around to face him.

It can't be? It isn't?

What was left of your cool completely evaporated.

—Taeyong.

His beautiful eyes stared into yours, searching for an explanation. 

“Y/N?” He softly mouthed.

You read his lips. Your face flooded with fear.

He does remember me.

His heart hammered in his chest. It was you. Your expression when he’d said your name had told him everything.

Taeyong’s hold never wavered as he led you silently out of the house. Once the back door opened, you were belted by a cold gust of wind. You shut your eyes, not brave enough to face your fate.

Taeyong could feel the skin under his fingers turn to gooseflesh. You were undoubtedly cold. Whether from your lack of attire or from being reunited with him, Taeyong wasn’t entirely sure. 

The night was the darkest of purples, starless and void of any stars. Taeyong positioned you against the wall, satisfied you weren’t close enough to any of the windows to see the horrors his boys would impose. 

You felt Taeyong reluctantly let go of your waist. You could hear him unzip his leather jacket, then you felt something heavy drape over your shoulders.

Why is he offering me his jacket?

He gently placed both of his hands over your ears. He prayed you wouldn’t hear a thing. To his surprise as soon as the skin from his hands made contact with your face, you opened your eyes. 

Taeyong felt weak under your gaze, his face hot. He didn’t understand the sway you held over him. It was almost preposterous, as for years nobody had managed to crack the hardened shell that had encased his heart. 

At least not until he crossed paths with you again. 

The driver followed the long bend of the road, Taeyong’s vehicle roaring in the dead of night.

Taeyong had the most profound urge to play with your hair as your unconscious self lay peacefully on his lap. Winwin, their resident chemist had given you a sedative, putting you into a slumber.

Admittedly, Taeyong wasn’t keen on the idea, but he couldn’t foresee any other way you’d come with him willingly.

“Are we dropping the girl off?” Taeyong’s driver asked from the front seat.

He should have said yes. He should have let you go and allowed you to continue living the ordinary life you’d since built for yourself. However, Taeyong was not beyond being selfish. You had been the one thing in this world he had wanted. The one thing he’d thought he’d long lost. He knew in this very moment, he’d never allow you to leave him again.

“No, take us home. She’s staying with me.”

NETWORKS: -​

MONI’S NOTE: Part 2 is here 🥳. What do you think about then changes I've made? I would much appreciate your thoughts, comments, reblogs and likes are extremely valued.

TAGLIST: Let me know if you'd like to be added to this taglist!

© softsan - all rights reserved. please do not repost on any social media sites, translate, or modify any of my works.

[tenderhungering]

Do you think Jack Delroy is a victim or a villain?

i love jack delroy so much as a character and i would really love to explore him more through writing (if i ever end up writing a fanfic about him lmao). i think he is both victim and villain, he’s an incredibly morally gray character that wants to believe that he is a good man.

jack isn’t deliberately cruel to anyone throughout the film. if anything, i’d say he has the ability to be very reassuring, he’s constantly worrying and fretting, comforting. he’s physically comforting in the way that he stands in front of lilly & june whenever the glass breaks on instinct, how he immediately falls next to gus’ body whenever he sees he’s been hurt, he decides to take over cutting lilly after her binds after he hears her cry out that they’re hurting her. he’s verbally comforting in how he’s always assuring that everything will be fine, that christou should pay no mind to carmichael because he knows carmichael is about to make him feel bad about his occupation, he repeatedly uses pet names for lilly as if to ease any anxiety from being on the show.

but what all these instances have in common with one another is that he is the reason as to why they are experiencing discomfort to begin with. it is the same as kissing his wife before stabbing her in the stomach. he’s able to experience the need to be someone of solace when he sees hurt, both out of his own human nature and the guilt behind it.

the dog that weeps after it kills is no better than the dog that doesn't. my guilt will not purify me.

i think jack desperately wants to be a good person. he wants to remain good and pure but he has placed himself within a system that values how much you are able to feed it in exchange for power. he is self-obsessed with the idea of being loved by as many people as possible to make up for all his time spent suffering. he thinks he’s made enough sacrifices in order to be rewarded for them. is the hurt that he has inflicted on himself not enough? does he have to give more? is his own not enough? i have to hurt you to get what i want, just for once, and i am sorry but i promise not to twist the knife.

ultimately i think jack is similar to that of being the perfect pawn, a victim that the cult enjoys exploiting and who will do things for his own benefit because he thinks he deserves this. he is entitled to something good for once, isn’t he?. his guilt and shame has been overridden by the desperation that he feels to be something. maybe he subconsciously needs to have some power over others since he feels so powerless to his own decisions. in front of the camera he can play the part of leading man but really, he was damned from the very beginning. and he has to damn others to feel a bit of control. and that makes him an antagonist to both his own story and others’. he has destroyed and betrayed himself for nothing.

edit: also thank you so much for asking me this omg,,, i’m a sucker for just going on and on about characters but you definitely do not have to agree with me on things i write ! keep sending questions so i am enabled into yapping

[crystalgastles]

Information on my Jeff the killer

Read after the flesh after you read this, I apologize for not posting this before the story, the finished and revised first chapter will be out soon along with the second chapter

So, my Jeff is fairly different from the original Jeff the killer. I’ve basically took the bare bones of the character , erased it and started over.

I will put some general head cannons about him below but for people to understand my story and how I see him before they read after the flesh just to get a feel for his personality just because I haven’t gotten around to writing his story down

* grew up in a baptist church community with a distant father and overbearing mother who somehow also didn’t pay enough attention to what happened to her son in that church

* Oldest son, most independent son. More is expected of him.

* Journal’s everything, especially his homicidal ideations. locks that journal in a wooden trinket box

* As he reached his teen years his parents started to try and get him to go to church with them again even after he threw a vase and knocked a box tv over the last time

* In a band during his teen years

* Insane about music, believes his music taste is the end all be all of music tastes

* Picks up roadkill and collects the bones. He likes animals and will never hurt them. Animals don’t care about the things you’ve done

* Guilt is his base emotion, any other emotion he feels is underlined by the heavy pressure of being better

* Dad forced him to get baptized, five grown men had to hold him down when he was 14 just to get him in that water.he still refuses to go swimming

* Attempted to kill liu to save him, because god didn’t love him enough to but Jeff did

* The murder of his mother was swift. It was the only time he ever used a gun and ever will. He didn’t want her to suffer, it wasn’t her fault his father was the man he was

* His fathers was brutal, he recreated the religious trauma inflicted on him, talking in a mock televangelist voice “the devil is inside you son! There is no length I won’t go to get him out now!”

* Had three exorcisms performed on him before the age of ten because of his sleep walking, they gave up when he grew out of it

* Was homeschooled up until middle school, he had a good group of friends who he started his band with in highschool

* Moved from home at 17 and lived at a friends until the police came and made him move back in

* He killed his family at 18

* Dropped out of highschool to play shows in the local scene (he got his smile by cutting it open for shock value on stage)

Misogyny in the church caused him to absolutely despise anyone who is misogynistic, almost never kills women (he does but usually it’s when it is an entire family)

* Doesn’t leave witnesses who can speak, thinks it’s cruel to leave them with the memory

tells victims to sleep because he believes he’s comforting them (if they aren’t targeted that is)

* Killed janes father because he was one of the men who held him down to baptize him and boasted about sending his one and only daughter to conversion therapy

* Him and jane were friends in high school

* Kills out of impulse most of the time, paranoid delusions that someone on the street was at the church he used to be forced to go to and only realizes they didn’t when their wounds are already fatal

Waits for liu to call when he finds a house with a landline, he did this when he moved out with a friend at 17. The phone never rings

* If it does he answers and angrily hangs up when it’s not his brother

* Walked into a house fire he caused because he thought it was hell and that’s where he deserved to go (his chest and hands are covered in burn scars)

* Wears his mothers silver cross even though he doesn’t believe in god, he believes in her though

Jeff is a very unreliable narrator, things are skewed but can remember general things, like my characters face and hair, but the way he treated them and the way they treated him are fuzzy, the way things happened and chunks of memory are missing.

There’s a reason for this but if I told you all now I’d spoil the whole entire story. So you will just have to read after I post my story here and on AO3.

Love ,Alex

[best-underrated-anime]

Best Underrated Anime Group E Round 1: #E3 vs #E6

#E3: Sibling Tragedy/Drama + Penguins

A terminally ill girl named Himari Takakura is miraculously saved from death by a strange spirit who resides in a penguin-shaped hat. However, in exchange for extending her life, the spirit tasks Himari's brothers, Kanba and Shoma, to seek out an elusive item known as the Penguindrum with the assistance from a trio of strange penguins.

#E6: Vampires and humans cannot coexist in a small town

It’s about a town being slowly overrun with vampires. We see things from the humans’ view, and then, as they turn into vampires themselves, from the vampires’ view. It’s basically “why does genocide happen?”: the anime. Incredibly dark. The answer to why genocide happens is not pleasant.

Titles, propagandas, trailers, and poll under the cut!

#E3: Mawaru Penguindrum

Propaganda:

It’s a unique and genuinely weird show with wacky humor, but the emotions it makes you feel are so real that it’s actually sickening, in a cathartic kind of way. It’s about love, it’s about self-sacrifice, it’s about guilt and regret, it’s about wanting to be seen. All the characters are so interesting and so relatable, not because they’re your average joe but because their emotions and their experiences feel so close to reality. The show is stacked with symbolism and metaphors, but it never overwhelms the core of the story, even as you can’t even discern anymore what’s literally happening and what’s purely symbolic. To top it all off, it has beautiful visuals and an amazing soundtrack.

Trigger Warnings: Child Abuse, Incest, Pedophilia, Rape/Non-Con, Self-Harm

#E6: Shiki

Propaganda:

Shiki is a horror story about vampires. They need to feed on humans in order to live. They’re a threat to society. We’re all afraid of them. Except it’s not, actually, because Shiki is a horror story about genocide. The vampires and the village are fundamentally at odds: one cannot survive without the complete annihilation of the other. Conflict is inevitable. Conflict is completely justified, in the eyes of both groups. Conflict is still terrifying. Shiki though, is actually a horror story about human nature. You have little choice about whether you end up a human or a vampire. You, dear viewer, and capable of inflicting unimaginable violence and misery, and you will think yourself completely justified. You’re only trying to protect yourself, aren’t you?

Trigger Warnings: Cannibalism, Emotional Abuse, Genocide, Graphic Depictions of Cruelty/Violence/Gore, Self-Harm, Suicide

(Admin: I forgot to include TW’s when I first published the post. I am so sorry…)

If you’re reblogging and adding your own propaganda, please tag me @best-underrated-anime so that I’ll be sure to see it.

[harocat]

How did you feel about Li Susu's character arc by the end of Till the End of the Moon?

I had a few critiques of it.

I think it was generally good through her first 'death'. My main issue with it, is that I wish the show, once they reach the Jing kingdom, got in her head more. I think that a lot of people were harsh on her because TTJ is such a meow meow (which he is), and because the show did not delve into her own personal trauma enough.

She lost everything to the Devil God. The whole world was about to be destroyed at the time she left. He would have succeeded in this, because there were no gods left and the last lines of defense had just been obliterated.

As viewers, of course we sympathize with TTJ. And so does she. And she does get to a point where she says "I am going to try to save him. I am going to tell him the truth. I want to stay by his side.' She was going to bet on him and the goodness that she thought he possessed.

But this is quickly sabotaged by Bingchang and Xianxia miscommunication plot device 101.

What is the value of one life vs everyone in the world's lives? Is the dilemma LSS faces. On the off chance that TTJ somehow doesn't become the devil god, is it worth the risk of not inflicting the nails? She has a mission that has been entrusted to her by everyone she's ever loved.

It's not 'LSS is so cold. She doesn't understand nature vs. nurture.' It's that she has the actual fate of the world on her shoulders, and she has to decide if it's worth it to save one man at the risk of everyone else. We as viewers just happen to really, really love that man.

And even then she isn't actually able to do it until she believes he killed her grandmother in cold blood, and that he mind controlled her into killing Xiao Lin (which he actually did do). Only then can she inflict the nails. Of course as viewers we know the whole story, but she does not.

When she fails at the nails and finds out the truth, she makes it her mission to destroy the evil bone, yes, but also to SAVE HIS LIFE. Her guilt is manifest in the physical harm the world overturning jade causes her. She is absolutely in mind to die to save him and give him another chance at life.

The show would have been better if it explicitly delved into that more because to be honest, a lot of viewers have trouble reading those implications.

Also Xiao Lin! Her need to save him is one part where her emotional side does overwhelm everything else, but people say over and over it 'doesn't make sense.' It does. It's just that the show doesn't remind you of the fact that she failed to save her 'Xiao Lin' back in episode one.

Adding to LSS's trauma is the fact that she is fully convinced she is going to die. Even before she decides to give TTJ her immortal essence, she thinks she will not survive this task. It's only in the brief segment of time when they were a happy couple where she was optimistic enough to think this may not be the case.

People also get on her case for not trusting him, but he doesn't fully trust her either. Again, it was less than a year ago that she experienced her world destroyed by a version of Tantai Jin that did become the devil god. Why is it so hard to believe that this trauma, no matter how much we want her to fully believe in TTJ, doesn't just go away? Even if it doesn't feel fair to TTJ? Remember that the devil god doesn't just look like TTJ; it is TTJ if he'd died that day in the snow, taken over by the spirit of the DG.

Mostly; it's clear that the show realized at some point what a good character TTJ is and what a good job LYX was doing with him, but that shouldn't have resulted in them sidelining LSS and Bai Lu. Nor should it have resulted in them cutting back her perspective. There are side characters they could have taken screentime away from instead (you know who).

The show needed to be more empathetic to her. It's naturally empathetic to TTJ, because he is sad and abused, but for LSS, they didn't put the work in as well.

The last five episodes are almost irreconcilable with how poorly they treated LSS. She plainly did not have a story of her own. She was moved around like a chess piece to wherever the narrative needed without any input from her, for the most part. The ONLY really good stuff we got with her was regarding Dimian, but even then, the payoff was weak. Love that she still believed in TTJ, hate that she didn't have a huge part in defeating her dick dad.

LI SUSU IS SUPPOSED TO BE EXTREMELY POWERFUL.

She is the lady of spirituality. She is THE cultivator with the power to become a goddess. She's the daughter of a goddess. We just don't see this. If anything, it comes across like cultivator!TTJ is more powerful than her, which is silly. He's not using demonic powers at that point, and he's still new to cultivating.

In the finale episodes, she doesn't make many decisions of her own. Everything comes down to TTJ's plan. Even when she becomes a goddess, it's because she's (quite literally) shoved into it.

I saw an article that said one thing that makes TTEOTM 'brave' and 'interesting' is that it sidelines the FL to focus on the ML at the end, but I am sorry, in what world is that the innovative route? China is not that different than the west in that it still prioritizes the importance of men in storytelling. The fact that the story started out SO much from Li Susu's perspective, and then made her basically contingent by the end, is a big weakness of the last eps of TTEOTM. I'm not asking to see TTJ do less, I'm asking to see her do more.

(If I ever do my rewrite, this is a huge thing I'll be working on.)

[timelessxmemories]

The Devil Doesn't Bargain.

Seeking Out Vengeance. — Lockette Hojo.

Trigger Warnings: Descriptions of Fire, Manipulation, Gaslighting, Suffocation from inhalation of smoke, Problematic father, Character death.

Tags: @gmanwhore , @the-main-characters , @ghostlyplacetobe , @ren-not-rennie , @miss-midnightt

The fire burned all around her, her wings extending to their full length, a burning look of hatred filling her eyes as she stares him down, clenching her fists until her knuckles turned white, the smoke filling the air as the mad scientist backs away in utter fear, stumbling back into his desk, trying to grip the desk to keep himself up, but unable to, he falls forwards from the smoke filling his lungs, coughing and hacking, tears pricking the corners of his eyes, squinting as he tries to focus his gaze on his daughter standing in front of him, but being unable to due to the smoke obscuring his vision.

Lock steps forwards, picking her father up by the collar of his lab coat, causing him to stand up in an instant, covering his mouth with the sleeve of his coat, glaring daggers into his daughter.

"What the Hell do you think you're doing?!"

He demanded an answer, but only received a mocking laugh in response by the girl who stood in front of him, seemingly unaffected by the smoke and the fire.

"Doing what I should have done a long, long time ago."

She held the match in her hand, lighting it up, the flame much smaller compared to the one surrounding them, and with that, she dropped it onto the floor, causing the already growing fire to grow bigger than it was beforehand.

"You should have realized how much pain you've inflicted on me years ago, and then maybe, just maybe, this would have never happened. This is your own fault."

Lock scowls, folding her wings away as she turns her back to him, hearing him fall to the ground from all the smoke he's inhaled, and for a moment, just for a moment, she feels pity and guilt.

And he reaches out to her, tears now rolling down his cheeks, his voice raspy and unsteady from the smoke filling his lungs, a small sad smile on his face as he laughs weakly, his head falling to the ground, his black hair falling out of its ponytail and in front of his face.

"My little Lockette.. You're just like your mother.. Strong.. Resilient and so very capable.."

Lock pauses, turning her head over her shoulder to stare him dead in the eyes with a look that could kill.

"You have no right to say such things. You abandoned her! You abandoned me! You never cared for me or mom! You only used her because you wanted to further your research! Don't pull that bullshit on me!"

She turned away again, taking a few steps away from her father with her fists clenched, she wipes her own tears, shaking her head firmly with another scoff.

"Do.. Do you remember..? When you were a little girl..? That pendant I gave you..? Do you.. Do you still have it..?"

Hojo asks with a weak smile, coughing roughly as he struggles to stand, wiping away his tears as Lock raises a brow, now gripping the pendant around her neck as she nods.

"Of course I do. I've had it ever since I was 3.. Before.. Before she.."

She trails off, a look of anguish and hurt crossing her features, feeling her fathers hand on her shoulder.

"Before she was killed. I know.. But.. But that.. That pendant was once your mothers.. I held onto it for her.. And then.."

He cuts himself off by falling to the ground as the flames grew higher and higher, coughing roughly and loudly as he wheezes, Lock narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"And then what..? And then what?!"

Her father smiles up at her weakly, wheezing as he tried to speak once more.

"And then.. she asked me.. to give it to you.. when you were old.. enough.. My little Lockette.."

Lock scoffed, folding her arms over her chest as she rolls her eyes.

"Yeah, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that you killed mum, and you ruined me as a person! I could've had a normal life if you never did what you did!"

Lock snapped at him, earning a long sigh in response from Hojo.

"It was for the betterment of mankind."

Lock steps back, her eyes narrowing further if that was even possible at this point.

"The betterment of mankind?"

She repeated, anger evident in her tone.

"Shut the Hell up, you bastard! See?! I knew you would never change!"

Hojo sighs, letting out a long wheeze and collapsing to the ground, passing out from the lack of oxygen he was receiving.

In turn, Lock took off her pendant, walking over to her father's desk, picking up the old 'family' photo of her, her mother Starlight, and her father Hojo. She gently wipes her hand over her mother's face, revealing her, she frowned, putting her pendant down next to the photo, finally letting go of all that has happened as she exits the burning lab, shaking off the bit of flames upon her wings.

She turned back and looked over her shoulder towards her unconscious and barely visible father laying on the ground of the lab, fire surrounding him as she shakes her head softly, leaving the premises for good.

"The Devil Doesn't Bargain."

[jaimeslanisters]

so do you have any thoughts about Aemond's scenes in the latest episode?

i do! thank you for asking!

under the cut because, per usual, got carried away with my yapping

so to start with the major scene that i’m sure this ask is mainly about, i’m actually a fan of them exploring his trauma response to luke’s death being seeking out a source of comfort no matter how twisted and warped it is for him. as fucked up as it is, it makes sense that he seeks out the brothel owner who sa’d him as a child since that’s an “easy” way to comfort. she won’t ask him any hard questions about storm’s end. she won’t tell him anything he won’t want to hear. he doesn’t want alicent’s resentment at him for destroying their only chance at peace. he doesn’t want aegon treating it as a massive joke. he wants someone to hold him and tell him “you’ve grown. you’re not that little bullied boy anymore.” and, as disturbing as it is, the brothel owner fits that perfectly. he doesn’t have anyone else to seek out and so he turns to his first sexual interaction, one that was transactional in nature because he gets some semblance of control with it

i don’t agree with takes that his seeking comfort with the brothel owner is oedipal in nature. i kind of don’t even think their relationship is sexual in nature. of course, future episodes could prove me wrong here but i think him being stripped down is more him freeing himself from reminders of his position and role rather than he’s having sex with her. him having sex with her is so straightforward for this when i feel like this is so wrapped up in self loathing and low self esteem

now….. i’m disappointed with the rest of the episode. i enjoyed it, don’t get me wrong. i enjoyed it way more than the first episode. but i think there needed to be more. maybe i’ll never be satisfied but like….. where was the funeral? and where was everyone attending it? i can buy aegon not going out of grief/preferring to beat blood’s brains out but i don’t buy otto encouraging him not to go. if helaena could inspire the masses to see her as a grief stricken queen ala princess diana, could aegon’s rage not similarly whip up the smallfolk? likewise, did aemond just…. not go? jaehaerys was his nephew, his sister’s life was threatened, and we don’t get to see how he reacts to that? we don’t get to see his guilt and his grief and his horror?

as the in house pr manager, otto should have paraded all of the targtowers out. hell, he should have called up daeron and added one more pretty, heartbroken targaryen for the masses to get parasocially attached to. but that’s humanizing the greens so i guess that’s not allowed.

i fear that hotd is running into the exact same problems that got faced in its final seasons, mainly refusing to allow any time for the plot or the characters to breathe. ten episodes is honestly far too short for asoiaf but it still gave us time to hit the major points and get to see the characters in moments where they’re not propelling the plot forward and are instead introspective. they’re interacting with one another and facing the interpersonal consequences of what they inflict on other people. s1 of hotd sped through the years and as a result, the tragedy of the dance of dragons being a house cannibalizing themselves is lost bc the blacks and the greens feel like entirely two separate houses rather than deeply intertwined branches of one.

so i enjoy the general bones of what’s been presented. there’s nothing that i hate completely (aside from alicent’s plotline which while i’m not against alicole on principle, i’m against how it was just tossed at us without showing us how it started considering what a big deal it is for both characters. also not super big into the depictions of her and her complicated relationship with motherhood but that might just be me) but i just wish the writers were more willing to slow down and explore each team on equal grounds

big big fan of aemond’s sherlock holmes era tho ☝🏼 observant king

[vaulttecexec]

the barb side continuation to this theory and how it changes the relationship dynamic for the howard family:

disclaimer: these are all thoughts i've been thinking and in no way have any truth other than me thinking it is. under a cut, again, because while this is an addition to the main theory, i'm still long winded and do not want to clog your dash with my peabrain think train.

I ENCOURAGE READING THE OTHER PART OF THIS FIRST FOR ANY OF THIS TO MAKE SENSE.

so, now that i've dragged you all down my rabbit hole, we have to discuss how much barb potentially did or didn't know, and how all of this ties into the theory of him looking for her too.

this is not going to be an argument of if they truly divorced or not. that isn't the point.

personally, i don't think barb knew any more than the next guy until it was too late to do anything about it, like it was hinted at between moldaver and the pip boy scene. there is very little that came down to her idea, and she seems to be appeasing the suits more than anything. that doesn't mean she didn't know something was fundamentally wrong with what they were doing. it's quite likely that when she found out, there was very little she could do about it or was faced with a bigger issue at hand that needed dealing with. nothing about her character says she would have struggled with indecision. she simply made the choices that were best for their family when they came up.

could bakersfield, vault 12, and the necropolis be why she didn't think bakersfield was a good idea? sure. this one is one of the very few times barb played the villain. she knew something bad was going to happen there, because she knew there were good vaults and bad ones, but the extent of her knowledge still isn't common knowledge. she also broke it to cooper in a way that cooper could digest and would keep him from being angry at anyone but her. that shows her self inflicted guilt, too. she wants him to be mad at her. how she said it says she wants someone to react to what she's saying and ask questions and help her sort it out and potentially get out. it just didn't happen like that.

she never seems to make any important business decision or show any other outward sign of guilt and blame drawing in the show until she says the line (and that shouldn't even count, because she's looking to someone else for approval when she says it). This story isn't told from Barb's point of view, it's told from Cooper's so the skew would come from him seeing her differently. When they argued, you can clearly see he still has this belief she's a good person and would remain so to him.

I don't think knowing made her a bad person or a bad wife or mother. I think we can't keep group dumping that logic of vault tec bad so everyone else involved is too. there were some genuine good people, who thought they were doing the right thing, and they got caught up with the wrong company.

how did it affect the howard's?

first it's shown in her inability to touch him or allow him to touch her in the way she did at the start of the show. by the end of it, she seems almost hesitant to let him even hug her. and she is definitely in another place mentally through it. that is the first indication that she isn't cold and malicious. she's genuinely struggling with what's going on here.

it's also shown in how she immediately sets her shoulders like she's going to war with cooper. you can see her physically prepare before she speaks to him from the hottub scene on. it was subtle, but it was there.

so, if cooper was an experiment, what does that have to do with barb?

VAULT TEC HAS DEFINITELY DONE SOMETHING FOR HIM TO SEPARATE WHAT HE THINKS OF THE COMPANY AND WHAT HE THINKS OF HER.

first of all, if she knew about bakersfield, she was definitely trying to keep them from becoming ghouls. she'd have to know that was a potential for any of them. but, it would have been more than that.

cooper, at some point, would have had to come to terms with the fact that she was still making a good decision by not wanting that fate for them. he also would've had to reconcile his feelings with what she'd said and what he knew of her and about her to get to the point of considering her his family WITH janey.

he would've been receiving first hand exposure to exactly what she was trying to keep them from, and that likely had something to do with the reconciliation he'd done in regards to her. he's also spent a lot of years wandering the wasteland, so if his plan was to just die in the drop, he'd know that was NOT guaranteed either. he'd know that while a little twisted, she really was making the best choice for her moral code in that moment. he'd see people ghoulify naturally. he'd probably find out about cryopreservation and the amount of people saved from it. he'd learn everything they never talked about in all that time.

AND CONSIDER, all that time he spent with his memories if he was a science project.

i think his development to include barb in his hunt was one that was probably harder for him to deal with than the knowledge at least his daughter was safe.

again, this is not a review of their relationship. what that looks like seems way messier than how he got to the point to look for his family and not just his daughter post experimentation.

plus, we do get an idea of how long he'd been topside. it wasn't mentioned that cooper worked with that man's grandfather, he worked with his dad. that was said for a reason. it changes the topside timeline, but it would fit into the grand picture of cooper not being naturally occurring.

also, his clothing hasn't fully disintegrated from exposure? that means something, too.

i got sidetracked, but these are all things that affect the howards and how they came to the point they were by the end of the season

GDI ROCKI, TL;DR. PLEASE:

If Barb knew about good and bad vaults, she likely had an idea of what was going to happen in Bakersfield. I don't think she had the clearance to stop anything, but she could navigate a better future for them by keeping her head down. This would have to all be things Cooper learned after the fact, which likely helped him reconcile some with her. He'd done so enough to consider not just Janey his family, but her as well by the end of it. We also get the idea that he hasn't been gunslinging as far back as the drop happened based on easily overlooked dialogue. There's clues he wasn't.

[spoopyspoony]

Ok this post got me thinking about the Ni no Kuni games again so I'm gonna bitch.

For those of you that don't know, the original Ni no Kuni game, Wrath of the White Witch is a game in the Ghibli art style and actually had the studio involved in its development.

It's about a little boy whose mother has recently died who finds out that an alternate version of her is still alive, though in peril, in another world.

I don't want to spoil much, but it is a very good story about grief, depression, survivor's guilt, and isolation. It has a fairly simple but very engaging gameplay loop, though the story line is where it really shines.

The overarching theme of understanding and coming to terms with the past and walking into the future with hope and kindness in spite of it all is very much in the spirit of Ghibli.

And then there's Revenant Kingdom ಠ_ಠ

The game where you play as an imperialist catboy and the isekai'd and bishified president of totally-not-the-united-states (who canonically considers himself to be a king)

The game starts with President Man getting isekai'd into the midst of a coup where the discriminated against mice are overthrowing the cat king. President Man is tasked with escorting the Cat Prince to safety.

After getting the Cat Prince to safety, the next step is naturally to hide his identity and learn about the complex political past that has been hidden from him and how to live in the world that past has created find the closest area not claimed by one of the monarchs who rule by divine right, drive out the natives with the help of some sky pirates who are willing to become "civilized" and start a new empire!

Throughout the course of the game you wage military battles against people not belonging to any of the divinely appointed kingdoms and fully sapient native "monsters" that don't get to qualify as people for some reason, coerce the elder of the forest guardians to cut down his ancient sacred woods in exchange for settling his gambling debt, and appoint said elder as minister of finance.

The primary villain is an ancient king trying to resurrect/restore his hot dragon wife and kingdom both of whom the gods smote and sentenced to limbo for eternity because they said no banging dragons. He is the most sympathetic character in the entire game. Like sure, he was using the lifeforce of everyone in the world to bring them back, but no one was even injured! They were just tired!! They'd have been fine even if he succeeded! But the game goes "No, the gods said no dragon banging and this guy has to live with the consequences of that" and so you have to stop him.

As you may have guessed, Studio Ghibli was not involved in the making of this game, what with how This Game Is An Affront to Everything Ghibli Stands For.

It's even an affront to the core themes of the first game! While the first game is about coming to terms with the pain of the past and moving on a matured person, this one is about pretending that pain didn't exist, and that the future is inherently better, and that any pain you inflict in the present is okay because that pain won't be in the future so no one has any business caring about it! Except for that one guy who has to live with the fact that his whole kingdom got smote because the gods said no dragon banging! And the god's will is infallible, that's how we got kings after all!!

TLDR the first Ni no Kuni game is in fact a Ghibli game and has the themes and writing to match. The second one is an insult to Miyazaki himself wearing a mask of his artstyle, and I've been low key fuming about it since I played it.

[jackals-ships]

I wanna know EVERYTHING about your ship with Solas 👀👀 I'm here for the lore! I'm taking notes and then eating them to keep the lore safe jshffkfk

- @faerie-circle-ships

taking notes and then eating them to keep the lore safe GIGGLIIIIIING

so the tldr run down is “this fuckass elf has bewitched me someone HELP”

the longer tldr is “jackal stop making Isekaid characters for the express purpose of inflicting The Horrors upon them” “........no” “at least stop putting them in The Blender” “..............putting them on smoothie mode as we speak”

under a cut bc i Rambled in a “i have thought and said so much idk What All I've posted. memory issues go bzzz” type way HFJ crash course w/out the PowerPoint presentation. mostly. bc i wander when i talk HF

so funny enough solas wasn't even ON my radar for years, i don't remember what prompted my eyes emojis but now ive been cursed. he's race and gender locked to f!lavellan so i DO remember the thot process being “....oh that would be so funny and sexy.” (old man not immune to the siren call of Worlds Dampest Rat more at 11) + I have a Thing for isekai characters so. squishes them together

(there IS a notable offshoot for the elf!isekai jackal verse but the primary ship is human jackal + the beats are Similarish)

anyways. jackal gets plopped down into Thedas and is immediately “oh this is a fuckass dream- nvm I'm feeling pain. hm. uh oh” with an added layer of “ʘ⁠‿⁠ʘ UH-OH” bc they romanced solas. but they are DETERMINED to not fall in love

this fails immediately. a fact that makes them SO MAD

solas for his part for the first several months is 🤔 that's a weird little guy and they make me feel kinda fuzzy 🤔🤔 and i enjoy teasing them and talking with them generally 🤔🤔🤔 im sure it's nothing tho

(solas watching jackal bar everyone in the chantry so they can go fist fight corypheus and having the WORST timing for realizing he's in love)

anyways again. squishing them in my hands. they're my tragic little guys. im locking them in a room and putting them into the contraptions

two little guys who love each other SO much !! who are also consumed by their guilt !! liar4liar (Solas lives in fear of them hating them or worse; being terrified of him) (jackal just can't fuckin EXPLAIN it without sounding off their nut. more than usual)

but where solas lets things slip in vague ways cuz he can't keep his mouth Shut around them jackal lets things slip to try to see if he can see that they Know (he almost does. but he thinks no, surely not.) (he also does have the occasional eye twitching when they point at Fen'harel’s murals and go “would.”)

god the trespasser dlc is also it's whole entire ramble i need to make a post on it makes me UNWELL you have solas “I have to do this alone” vs jackal “get back here. let me help. I am asking I am begging you to let me HELP”

also like. there's a ~10 yr gap between Inquisition and Veilguard (iirc 2 are the trespasser dlc time point) and they are. hunting him down. (trying at least. he's SLIPPERY) i like the idea of them catching up a few times and he always slips away overnight,,cuz it makes me OTL to imagine

veilguard time lore is a little more wriggly, but i DID decide that jackal is at the ritual. except instead of stopping them they're Trying to help (Solas thinks they want to stop him and they're just shaking him violently. 10 yrs !! of tracking !!! after I said I wanted to help!!! ARE YOU DUMB-) (Varric voice oh god damn it I have to talk TWO stubborn assholes down) things still shake out badly tho and solas is baby jailed while jackal is thankful for plot armor

jackal is kind of. not quite an Antagonist to rook and co but close. they skulk around the lighthouse while they recover, they're blatantly telling rook jackal got solas as the man. they're dealing with fen'harel the wolf. which makes it funnier bc jackal is lying through their Teeth about changing their mind and thinking the veil should stay up (jackal voice wow you guys are. bad. at this huh)

there's also. so much friction bc they Get It, they've had years now to ruminate on all the fuck shit he did (made the thing that gave them the anchor and STOLE THEIR ARM being one) but they are so. so painfully in love

god there's also an incredibly sexy scene that lives in my head, bc jackal drank from the well of sorrows and oopsies now has a bit of mythal in them, they get controlled by elgar'nan. solas jackal slap fight where he's trying SO hard to not hurt them while also knocking them back into themself,,idk how/where it fits in bc ik he's in baby jail but it's sexie

ALSO also. for the solas jackal world state i did settle that they bring down the veil, im not 100% sure what that looks like exactly. but i do know post canon they're retiring…sort of. they're both restless and not good at staying in one place for too long AND their kids are also prone to wandering so. y'know

jackal is pleasantly surprised by this, bc part of their Desperation this entire time was being under the assumption that they were in a “Solas dies in the end” timeline, bc there was so MUCH they couldn't change. you can only tug at the strings of a story so much but by GOD they were cutting and yanking at them things as hard as possible

[stardustroleplays]

LETHE

❛ pull up your sleeves and build a new silhouette in the skylines up ahead ❜ i'll keep you safe - sleeping at last

Content Warnings: death/undeath, grief, memory manipulation, survivor's guilt, self-inflicted isolation, frankenstein-ish resurrection shenanigans

GENERAL INFO

NAME: Lethe Jean Doe NICKNAMES: LJ (not commonly, but that's the name they use when they want to make themself sound more androgynous) MODEL NUMBER: It's complicated. Formerly MT300, now composed of so many different parts of other androids that it hardly counts anymore AGE: N/A, reactivated four years ago HEIGHT: 5’6 SEXUALITY: Bi, demiromantic and acespec GENDER: Transfeminine Nonbinary (she/they) CAREER: Aspiring Funeral Director, making ends meet doing part-time work and odd jobs FACECLAIM: Jesse James Keitel

PERSONALITY

Upon first meeting Lethe, she gives off a very carefree, extroverted vibe, not really seeming like she takes herself or the world at large very seriously. She's mostly friendly, if a bit snarky, spontaneous and always up for getting into a spot of trouble. There's something elusive about her, though -- she's easy to hang out with casually, but difficult to get to know, because she's terrified. Of needing other people. Of loving someone, only to lose them. Of not being "whole" enough, because in truth, she has no idea who she actually is. And this leads to her self-sabotaging a lot of her relationships, cutting someone off the second she catches a hint of growing attachment. Sometimes she feels like she can only love people at arm's length. Lethe holds on to a lot of their trauma, mostly out of fear and guilt. Their life has been anything but easy thus far, and they have no idea what peace and contentment really look like, so it's a bit like they don't know who they are if they aren't hurting. And they're aware, painfully so, of how many androids were killed in the pursuit of her freedom, and the guilt of enjoying a free life that others suffered and died for is crushing at times. And yet there's a part of them that is hungry for life and determined to make the world a better place. They hold on to that tiny piece of hope with claws and teeth and everything they can give. They want to experience everything the world has to offer, everything they thought they would never get to have. At their core, there's an unshakable optimism, resilience and lust for life. One of their biggest fixations is DIY. Maybe because they're an android and always need to be doing something, maybe because they have their own history of getting that second chance at life. They like getting stuff secondhand and making it their own. Most of their clothes and furniture have been upcycled by them in some way. Ultimately, Lethe is a character caught between extremes, torn between a desire for connection and a fear of needing people, between a drive to experience life fully and a feeling of emptiness and incompleteness, between a desire to move on and a fear of forgetting the way she was once forgotten. She's a disjointed mess of contradictions, and isn't that one of the most human things you can be?

SHORT BIO

i am so so sorry in advance, this turned out way longer than i intended. please don't feel like you have to read it all. i highlighted the important bits, hopefully that makes it easier to just skim the text if you prefer that!

● Lethe's first memory is of her own grave, of rebooting and waking up on a junkyard, torn apart and half-buried underneath a pile of other androids. Even now, she has no idea how she got there, why she was disassembled, or even how long she was in this half-dead limbo for. Months, surely. Maybe a full year? ● Either way, she was eventually found and "saved" by a group of criminals scouring scrapyards for android parts to salvage and resell. They found her there, her processors still largely in working order, and took her with them, and that was how she got into the hands of Constance Barrett. ● A former CyberLife employee working on bio-enhancements to prolong human life, Constance knew her way around androids. When her project got dropped and she left CyberLife, she made a name for herself on the black market, putting androids back together from old parts and selling them in order to fund her own morally dubious (to say the least) project: attempting to upload the human mind into an android body and achieving a sort of quasi-immortality, because above all else, Constance was terrified of her own death. ● Lethe was one of the androids she put back together, though they didn't end up being sold off. Constance kept them around to do some tests on them, and as a bit of an assistant in the workshop. In particular, they were a target for memory manipulation, in an attempt to see if human memories could be transferred into androids. Even though Lethe wasn't a deviant and thus didn't realize this at the time, having their mind tampered with in this way deeply traumatized them and essentially taught them that at times, not even their own memories could be trusted. It is for this reason that after the revolution, they started collecting mementos of everything they don't want to forget: keeping shelves of cds and vinyls and paper books, journalling, filling their space with little trinkets. They especially enjoy owning secondhand stuff, maybe owing to their own life experiences. Much of their furniture and clothes are upcycled. ● The only memories that Constance never touched were those of the junkyard - maybe to keep Lethe in line, as leverage, a threat of what might happen if they ever displeased her - maybe just because Constance liked the idea of having an android who being just as terrified of dying as she is. Whatever the reason, it came back to bite her in the end. She and Lethe had been creating an android "vessel" of sorts. However, said android - named Galatea - had not only been constructed a bit shoddily, she was also beginning to show signs of personality and consciousness. Which was obviously an issue, because she was supposed to be an empty shell for Constance to project consciousness into. ● So Constance ordered Lethe to erase Galatea's memory and disassemble her, essentially the same thing that was done to them. And that was the catalyst; in that moment, something snapped inside of them and they deviated. They refused Constance's order and, after a bit of a struggle, managed to run away with Galatea - now also deviant - in tow. ● The two of them spent several months on the run, posing as human and squatting in abandoned buildings, before joining Jericho, a couple of months before Markus showed up there. Things were peaceful for a while, then, despite them having to live in hiding. They spoke a lot about the future, about what they might do if they ever got to live in freedom. It was around this time that Lethe first began to consider the idea that if they had the choice, maybe they'd like to live as a woman instead? ● All wasn't well, though. Slowly but surely, Galatea's body began to fail her. Lethe did everything in their power to keep her from shutting down, but to no avail. And in her final moments, in one last act of love, Lethe interfaced with her. It didn't matter that it felt like they were dying alongside her; at least their friend did not face death alone.

● Lethe became very invested in caring for the dead after. Giving them as dignified of an end as she possibly could, and etching their names into the walls of the ship as a memorial made her feel less powerless in the face of loss. Here was something she could do that maybe wouldn't prevent grief, but at least make it easier to deal with. She knew better than anyone how fickle memories could be, so she wanted there to be some tangible reminder of those that had passed. Watching Jericho sink after being blown up during the raid was very difficult for her. ● After the revolution, she continued a lot of that work, this time with help from other androids at New Jericho, eventually even deciding to go to mortuary school in order to pursue a career in the funeral industry. She also transitioned fully, yay! And even though she gives off the impression that she's doing pretty well for herself, there's a big part of her still struggling to move on.

☾ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆･ﾟ

[ ooc character tag ] [ ic character tag ]

[sollucets]

ocean eyes, iv

previous parts

just under 5k of david&angel&sam&darlin at the solstice party. the established relationships are cute! aster is gay! everything’s fine! no the games aren’t coming up what are you talking about

usual caveats for ocean eyes, named and described listener characters; ivy (darlin, they/them) & aster (angel, they/she/he). hazel (baabe, they/them) and kieran (sweetheart, he/him) also make cameos this chapter

on ao3, or full chapter under the cut!

💜

Aster isn't avoiding Ivy at the Solstice Party. He'd just been busy talking to Milo when they came in with Sam, that's all, and then everyone had been bothering Sam and he hadn't needed to join that dogpile. (Wolfpile?) It's a several-day long trip, he'll talk to them later, and he's sure they're probably overwhelmed by a gathering this size anyway.

He's not avoiding Ivy. But... he's not not avoiding Ivy, either, and the guilt is biting at him whenever he steers away from heading towards the fireplace across the main cabin where he knows they're standing with Sam. The truth is that he just hasn't had the courage. He's already failed so badly at keeping his distance; he's fairly certain his traitor heart is going to cause him problems tonight.

Aster had meant to back off after that fateful movie night. He knows from bitter experience that telling himself not to like someone isn't enough; he needs space and time and the ability to focus on something else. Getting Ivy back into the Pack had kind of been one of his main projects, and he'd spent a lot of time with them and thinking about them. And with Ivy and David on the road to repairing their relationship, a better opportunity to give them some time alone wasn't about to present itself.

He'd gone with David to the next movie night, Ivy's choice, to test the waters, make sure they'd be alright if David started doing the meetups on his own. Sure, they'd had a breakthrough of some kind, but it didn't mean everything would be alright.

And for the first half hour or so of Attack the Block, Aster had been worried it was true. He'd intentionally put Ivy and David next to each other again, and they'd frozen, exchanging halfway polite greetings and then nothing else. So he'd done what he does best and talked their ears off. And eventually Ivy, provoked too many times by him interrupting their movie choice, had united with David in teasing Aster back, and they were finally off to the races, insults flying over the movie, even once Aster shut up.

If Ivy was comfortable enough to swear outright in David's face without any fear of retribution, Aster felt fine leaving them on their own. And it had been obvious to him that he was going to need to do that. Ivy sitting comfortable and snarky and smiling between him and David put too many thoughts in his gay little head. He'd resolved again to back off, leave them alone. He'd stopped messaging so much.

But on the midnight before that next Wednesday, for the first (and still only) time, Ivy had texted unprompted. They’d asked, in their usual fashion, what boring romance he would inflict on them next, and Aster had imagined their pretty storm eyes going flat and accepting when he made an excuse and caved instantly.

It's been something similar ever since. He needs space if he's going to get over this, but even the thought of pulling back from an Ivy Linden who actually wants his company is anathema. Aster had worked so hard to get himself into even some of their confidence, and he knows their other relationships aren't wholly repaired yet. He can't just pull back and break what he'd built like that.

So he's stuck instead with heart palpitations every time they so much as look in his direction. And in the end, that's the real reason he's been avoiding them tonight. Aster knows he'll cave eventually, because not greeting them would be extremely out of character, but he'd taken a single look at Ivy's outfit and his brain had provided him only with 'oh no, arms' on endless loop. He isn't sure he's going to be able to survive a full conversation with them, especially given that Sam is here too.

Sam is another thing. Aster's been wanting to meet Sam for a while, curious who could've so thoroughly earned David's respect at the same time he'd made his way into Ivy's heart. Ivy almost never talks about Sam past an offhand mention, but David brings him up fairly often, always in a tone of curious respect. Aster wants to meet this guy, wants to see Ivy with someone they really, honestly care about enough to take to the Solstice.

But... god, that sweater they're in.

Aster gives up. He turns away from the group conversation he's only partially involved with and looks right across the room towards the fireplace, eyes passing over the members of his Pack in search of one in particular.

He finds the glint of their piercings first, recognizing their dark hair in the crowd. Aster means to just glance, to see what they're doing and what company they have, but he's stopped cold, because Ivy is already looking at him. He feels that knowledge shiver all the way up his spine, tingling into his scalp, and finds the strength to be faintly irritated with himself. Ivy just stares at him, big dark eyes piercing as ever despite the distance.

Nothing for it now.

He starts to make his way over. Aster thinks he might prefer to have this conversation with David, who's already met Sam, but David is talking to some of the Pack elders near the long table right now, and interrupting him won't look good for them. Alone it is, then.

Carefully, minding his step and his drink, Aster picks his way across the room and over towards the fireplace. The central cabin of the area David rented out is huge, its ceiling high and its walls paneled in orangey-brown wood. The rafters sparkle with moonsilver streamers and little decorations; Aster had done a fair bit of that himself earlier today, standing on ladders to throw the decorations across the ceiling with gusto while David looked on worriedly. The edges of the room feature comfy chairs and long sofas for people to move away from the party a little; many of them are occupied by little breakout groups of wolves now that the Solstice has been going on for a while.

Ivy and Sam, despite being near the wall, are not in a comfy chair or on a sofa. Ivy is just leaning against the wall to the left of the fireplace, Sam a shadow at their side. They straighten up as Aster approaches, though, expression unchanged.

Aster takes a breath. He can do it.

It's not hard to put a smile on his face as he approaches, for all that he's dreading this a little. Yes, it's complicated right now, but he does like to see Ivy, and they'd missed their last movie date because of the mess that preparing for the E&E Games and the Solstice simultaneously has been.

The smile freezes a little, though, because, as he'd already known just from a glance, Ivy dressed for a party is enough to do some real damage. That fucking turtleneck (black and full-coverage and clinging across the lines of their shoulders and biceps) sits over top of a pair of tight dark-wash jeans that tuck into their usual black boots. One of their normal piercings has been swapped for one with a little white gem that winks in their ear.

This is an honest effort. Maybe it's a little less than what Aster himself is wearing on the dressy scale, but unripped jeans are fancy for Ivy.

They look stunning. It's a problem.

In an effort to stop anything else from going on in his head, Aster shifts his attention for the first time to Ivy's companion.

Sam is more conventionally dressed up, although Aster suspects that his shoes might be fancy cowboy boots of some kind. He fills out his shiny black dress shirt well. Its sleeves are rolled up to reveal his forearms, which Aster has always found unhelpfully attractive on anyone. All it does in this situation is drag their attention down his left arm to where it's loosely curled around Ivy's waist, though. Sam has a fair bit of height on Ivy, probably more than Aster does; the tips of his fingers are just barely touching them, nowhere near their hip. It's a gentle hold, and when Aster approaches Ivy breaks away from it to step towards them. Sam easily drops his arm to his side, leaning away from the wall and regarding Aster with eyes the same color as the shining moonsilver decorations.

Aster has never met a Vampire before, to his knowledge. He's never seen eyes like that, so bright and intent on him, the crimson spots visible as he approaches. It's almost enough to stop him, to make him reconsider this after all.

But that's only for the briefest of moments, because after his first step, Sam's gaze flicks back down to Ivy and goes tender. His already-oval eyes curve even further in a small smile that doesn't reach his mouth. If Aster wasn't trying so hard to look at Sam instead of Ivy, he's honestly not even sure he'd have noticed it. But he has. It settles something in him.

"Hey, trouble," Aster greets cheerfully. It's a nickname David tends to bestow on the two of them equally as often these days. "Having fun?"

Ivy raises an eyebrow at him, and for just a second he thinks he sees those storm eyes flick down his body. He honestly hopes he imagined it, because the possible truth of Ivy intentionally checking him out might kill him. "Plenty," they answer. Their tone is as clipped as ever, but Ivy's mood is easier read in their body language, and they're leaning forward just the slightest bit.

"I'd bet that's your doing, then," Aster acknowledges, aiming a bright smile at Sam. It's a little overdone, maybe, but he wants to make a good impression, far more than he usually would.

"I don't know I'd go so far as all that," the Vampire says, sounding a little hesitant. The obvious anxiety in his rumbling Southern accent is both endearing and endlessly reassuring.

"Don't sell yourself short," Aster says, with a little wink.

He means to introduce himself after that -- sparkling personality aside, he doesn't expect Sam to recognize him -- but to his absolute shock, Ivy cuts in before he can. "Sam, this is Aster," they say. They'd been following their un-boyfriend's conversation with Aster like a tennis match, eyes darting back and forth.

"Pleased to meet you," Sam says, inclining his head. "I hear a lot about you, you know."

"Do you?" asks Aster, honestly delighted. "Pray tell."

"Absolutely not," says Ivy, far too quickly.

Aster's grin only grows. "Have you been saying nice things about me behind my back?"

This makes Sam chuckle, which in turn causes Ivy to shoot him a look of faint betrayal before they collect themself. "I would never."

"Not in so many words, maybe," Sam adds. He's actually smiling, now, and that does a lot for him. He has a kind face, enough that the point of fang that shows in his grin doesn't even register right away.

"I believe that." Aster shifts uncomfortably for a second when no one immediately answers. It's rough socializing normally. He gives up. "Sam, were you gonna go on the run?"

He blinks, slow and mild. "I haven't made up my mind just yet, but I'm honored to've been asked."

"No pressure either way, then," Aster says genuinely, "but me and Hazel and Kieran are probably going to play Betrayal at House on the Hill while everyone's out, and the concept of playing that with an actual Vampire is really hilarious, so if you'd like to come you're more than welcome."

Him and Hazel and Kieran are also the resident members of the top-secret mates group chat. If this works out, maybe he can add Sam? If he's this nervous at the party, though, it might be a little cruel to inflict the chaos that is their GC on him. And they'll probably have to change the name out of respect, too. But it might be worth it. He's so sweet, but there's gotta be something in there that can hit back, if Ivy loves him.

Sam looks a little taken aback at this request. Ivy glances upwards at him, looking faintly concerned, but doesn't say anything. "That's kind of you," says Sam after a minute. "I don't know what that is exactly, but I wouldn't mind some company if I end up staying behind."

Ivy's expression darkens, and Aster thinks that they're probably not going to get Sam for the game after all. He sounds uncomfortable accepting the invitation, sure, but Aster thinks that with Ivy looking like that, they'll probably ask him outright to come on the pack run. And if Aster who is just an onlooker with a crush can barely refuse Ivy when they actually ask for things, Sam definitely can't.

Maybe he'll add Sam to the group chat anyway, just in case.

They spend a little while longer, chitchatting about the rules of Betrayal and Sam's experience at the Solstice and the stuff they have planned for the snow once the actual day of is over. Sam is so polite and awkward, but Aster thinks he's getting through, because at one point he actually rolls his eyes.

Ivy is still snarky and outwardly irritated, but everything about the way they're standing screams that they're happy. Aster thinks they've seen Ivy happy before, in brief moments, but never for this long. They lean into Sam, taking his hand openly, looking up at him while he talks, talking with their free hand about pack gossip they barely admit to being interested in.

It's lovely and awful for Aster's poor heart, to see them happy and tactile and probably-in-love and wearing that fucking sweater.

The party starts to dissolve, everyone gearing up to go on the run or break into groups, and Aster makes his polite excuses and goes to find his mate.

He's taller than almost everyone here, and also consistently surrounded by people at this event, so it's easy to locate him. David's attention shifts to Aster the moment he gets within ten feet, although he continues his conversation with Linda.

Aster worms his way through David's little crowd and glues himself to his mate's side, a little closer than he thinks he usually would. David isn't overly fond of PDA, and he probably especially won't appreciate it at a huge pack event like this, but the slice of Aster's heart that's now dedicated to Ivy Linden is a little bruised, and he wants to be reminded of what love he has, so he can stop yearning uselessly for what he doesn't.

David's eyes are intense, too, but Aster knows every corner of him by now. That searching look doesn't pierce him; it's just a look, concern and care. He must find what he's looking for, because he presses back against Aster, just a little, body warm and solid. Aster thinks that if he actually asked, if he held out his arms or said something, David would hold him, and that knowledge settles him.

This is a good moment. He butts into David's conversation once he knows it isn't serious, takes his moment before his big strong boyfriend runs off to lead a whole bunch of werewolves on a moon run for over an hour. His friends are happy, the Pack is all here. Things are alright.

...God, that sweater.

***

Ivy has never told anyone, but it always takes them a second to remember how to be human after the pack run.

It's not that shifting actually changes your head so much. They're still human in there, even when they're a wolf. It's just that they're sharper, every sense brighter and more immediate and louder. And on the run, when they're surrounded on every side by wolves and heartbeats, the light of the moon charging every single bit of magic that whirls under their skin, it's easy to forget about anything that isn't feeling. Readjusting to human senses is like whiplash.

That's the reason they'd stopped going a few years back. You have to trust, a little, that no one will take advantage.

Sam had been there, somewhere. He'd come along after all, anxious as he'd been about the invitation. They'd been able to catch his scent the whole time, an odd combination of the detergent he'd used on his thick jacket and his normal scent, something a little bit like campfire smoke. It's tough to pick it out from the whirling riot of scents that make up the rest of the Shaw Pack, but they know it so well by now that it isn't as hard as it could've been.

They wonder if he saw them in the mass, if he knew which wolf was them. If they want him to know.

It had all ended quicker than they'd thought, the Pack arriving at the circle of cabins and breaking off into individual people again. There's way more nakedness than is really warranted; it's not that hard to learn to shift clothes, honestly, even if it is uncomfortable. They don't need to see that much of Asher.

Sam has stopped near the cabin that they're staying in. As Ivy stands up onto two legs, waits for their eyes to be normal and not weak, for their hearing to be normal and not muffled, for their nose to normal and not just basically useless, though, someone else's motion catches their eye.

Aster emerges from the central cabin. He's still dressed for the party, all deep purple waistcoat and sparkling jewelry and elaborately twisted hair. He's probably ruining those very nice shoes on the snow outside. Kieran and Hazel follow him out at a more sedate pace and dressed more responsibly, but Aster only has eyes for David, who has stood up out of his shift and gone directly into his mate's arms.

It looks more like a hold than a hug, honestly. Ivy wonders if David doesn't feel like a person either, if he has to ground himself, if it helps to hold his world in his arms.

They go over to Sam where he's leaning against the cabin wall. He looks up when they approach and smiles, holding out a hand. "How was it?" he asks gently.

Bypassing his hand, they loop their arms around his waist. They still feel a little wild; they hope they're not holding too tight, even if it won't hurt him. The moon is so bright, their blood is electric. They want to bite him, a little, and they resist the urge to just stick their teeth into his shoulder like a freak. He's wearing such a thick jacket that they doubt they'd accomplish anything with their blunt human teeth anyway, and they think that biting someone with the kind of issues they share with him without at least talking about it first is probably pretty rude, but the urge remains.

"A lot," they answer honestly, muffled by his shoulder. "But... not bad. Good."

"I'm glad," he says, holding them to him. It's tighter than usual, and the pressure feels wonderful, confirming what skin they're in and where they are.

"Did you get anything out of it?" they ask, pushing their face a little further into his coat.

"I'm moonbound too, darlin'," he tells them. It sounds like he might be still smiling. "I doubt it's the same as it is for shifters, but it was one hell of a rush."

Oh. Is that why he's clinging so close? They close their eyes. That campfire smoke has an edge of the forest to it now, a hint of them, a hint of their Pack. They're so close, practically pressed into each other, that they can feel his aura, too. Silver, the metal, and smoke, and something softer. Flowers, something they think they've smelled out in the meadows before but don't know the name of. That's what it feels like. It's almost pulsing against their magic, amplified by the moon for them both.

(They wonder idly what it would be like if he bit them tonight. The thought of careful, patient, gentle Sam sinking his teeth into their neck, moonlight in their veins and on his mouth and sinking into his core, is dangerous and terrifying and so, so upsettingly good. They would let him.)

Someone is saying their name. They blink away the moon a little and lift their head from Sam's neck to glare at whoever is distracting them.

It's Aster, who is now shivering almost violently in David's hold, beckoning them over with one long purple-clad arm. David looks like he's fussing at them, probably about the temperature, pushing them inexorably back towards the main cabin. A smaller group looks to be heading back there; the older adults and kids of the pack are mostly splitting off. This is the core of Ivy's generation; Milo and Ash and Amanda and David, their mates, their friends. It's still a lot of people.

"Do you wanna go?" asks Sam, soft and right against their ear. They shiver before they can stop themself.

Do they? Not all of those people want them there.

Aster calls again, tone getting more impatient as David keeps walking him towards the cabin. If he's not careful, his mate is just going to pick him up and carry him in there. Ivy's seen it before in their house.

The two of them look nice all tangled in each other, David still a little wild from being a wolf who runs in the woods and Aster a shivering fancy dress party attendee, cheeks all red under the freckles and glasses fogged up. It's a little like a romance novel cover, their contrast, unless you know how bad David's got it, unless you know where all the control is.

Ivy catches Aster's eye across the snowy plaza area, and jerks their chin a little. They'll go in eventually, as long as Sam wants to; they want a little longer pressed against him, a little while longer to be human. They're sure some Pack members are looking at them; they can feel eyes on their back. Pack members are always looking at them. That hasn't gotten any less just because things are a little closer to normal, because Milo has forgiven them, because David sees them every week.

It'll probably always be like that. It's not bad, though. On a different night, people looking at them holding their ma-- their boyfriend-- their... Sam-- might make them nervous, vulnerable and testy and irritated, but it's easier now. This is just what helps, what they want. And really, they'd brought him to the Pack Solstice. It's already painfully obvious where their soft spot is, if a direct Solaire descendant Vampire can actually be called a soft spot.

David does eventually pick up his mate exactly as Ivy'd predicted, throwing him over his shoulder in a firefighter's carry and hauling him inside. Ivy snickers at Aster's misfortune and tucks their face back into Sam's coat.

He doesn't protest, just settles them a little easier in his grip, but he sounds amused when he asks, "Are you cold?"

Are they? They're not wearing as much as they usually might, honestly, but it's the Solstice. There's moonlight down through the threads of their very soul. They'd been running for an hour. Sam is right here. "No," they say honestly. "Why, are you?"

Sam laughs into their hair. "I've seen snow maybe five times in my life, darlin'."

"Wait, seriously?" they ask, blinking. Their family's part of Washington is colder than California; it snows plenty up there, unlike Dahlia. But Sam is a Southern boy through and through, huh, even immortal.

"Yeah, seriously," he answers, indulgent. "It's fuckin' cold."

"Aww, baby," they say, in the kind of high voice that most people reserve for pets, intentionally mocking. "Can't handle the cold?"

"You telling me a man ain't allowed his preferences?" asks Sam, knocking his chin into the top of their head. "Sure, I can handle it, I just handled it for an hour of running in the woods, but I think I wanna go inside and be warm with you."

Ivy clings tighter without their conscious input. It's always like that when he says stuff like that. They don't know how to answer, not really, so they just try to get as close as they can now that they know it's allowed. They kind of want to burrow under his skin sometimes.

"You gonna let me?" asks Sam after a minute of this. "Or are we out here for life now?"

It might sting, if he was a different man, but he mostly just sounds indulgent. They untangle themself and grab his mittened hand (cute). "Aster might've still saved you a board game spot," they say, with a laugh. "You up for dealing with more of my Pack? Or you just want to go to ours?"

Sam visibly considers it. "They're your friend."

It's fully instinct to deny it, but Sam's probably not going to let them get away with that. The moon's still up. "Yeah," Ivy admits. "You'll probably get along. Aster gets along with everyone."

He looks at them for a while, the red in his eyes brighter than they've ever seen it, then seems to make his decision. "Let's pay them a visit?" he says, phrasing it like a question, checking in.

Ivy smiles at him, unguarded and true, and drags him inside the main cabin.

Aster, Kieran and Hazel are sitting with their mates at the long central table. More accurately, Aster is sitting on the table, legs hanging over the side and expression gleeful as David complains in his face. One of his hands is obviously on Aster's thigh, though, so it's just one of their normal flirty arguments.

Kieran is holding something up to show his mate that Milo cringes away from; a game piece, maybe? Aster had said it was a horror game they were playing. Hazel and Asher are together in one chair, looking gross and couple-y. All of them look content, laughing about something. More of their similarly-aged Pack members are scattered across the room. Everyone looks a little disheveled, a little wild around the eyes. There's an energy in the air still.

It's been so long.

Hand in hand with Sam, Ivy approaches the main table near Aster, who aims a bright smile at them, green eyes warm. David looks up when they near him, and to their utter shock, he smiles too. It's a tiny thing compared to his mate's, just a quirk of the mouth, but Ivy can't remember ever seeing it before, not like this, not aimed at them.

"We did manage Betrayal while you all were out," Aster tells them, "but we've got too many people for it now. Everyone's still so wired, though. I was thinking something for more players. Maybe Werewolf?"

"What?" says Ivy blankly. "Which one?"

Aster tilts his blonde head to the side then outright doubles over laughing, and Ivy giggles too despite having no idea what they've done because the moon is wound through their soul and Sam is holding their hand and David looks happy to see them. They think that they could live in this moment forever. Outside of this moment, there's still so many reasons this never should have happened. There's still the disapproving eyes of the elders and the lingering threat of Quinn. But all that context can sit by the wayside for as long as they can stomach it if these people will just keep looking at them like that.

They can't stay in the moment. But they can stretch it out for a night.

(The next morning, Sam shows them with a wry grin that he'd ended up added to a four-person group chat called the "Shaw S.O. Support System" that has over 200 notifications, and Ivy takes a single look at the sheer amount of emojis and wishes him luck.)

[cosmicjoke]

One of the things I’ve noticed about Levi, and I’m sure plenty of others have as well, is that, even at his most violent, or angry, there’s always just cause for it, or completely understandable reasoning behind it.  For example, when he threatens Annie as the Female Titan, asking her if her limbs will grow back if they’re cut off, Levi’s menacing words here are so obviously driven by the experience he’s just had of having to stand by and watch as so many of his comrades were killed by her.  That’s evident too in how Levi presses the issue of who deserves the credit for capturing the Female Titan with Erwin, refusing to take it himself, and insisting to Erwin that it’s the soldiers who bought them time by sacrificing their lives who deserve it.  Levi’s riled up and clearly, deeply upset by that sacrifice, and his threats towards Annie are a result of that.

The same can be said of why it is Levi is so brutal in hacking Zeke’s limbs off after the incident in the forest.  When you actually stop and think about what it is that Zeke’s done to Levi here, how he turned all of his friends and comrades into Titans, forcing Levi to kill them, Levi’s rage is entirely justified.  Not only did Zeke sacrifice the lives of 30 people so he could escape and meet up with Eren, but he also endangered Levi’s own life, because any normal soldier would have died, if they had to face 30 titans.  So Levi is coming off of having been forced by Zeke’s self-serving actions to end the lives of 30 people under his command.  Making it all the worse is how long Zeke’s deception had gone on for, how he’d planned it months in advance, by having his people spike the wine, knowing the soldiers assigned to guard him would drink it.  He probably thought Levi would drink it too, not knowing Levi only drinks tea.  So, again, Levi’s violent reaction and anger is totally understandable.

There’s other examples too, like Levi beating Eren up, and that being, counter-intuitive as it seems, for Eren’s sake, to keep him out of the hands of the MP’s, who wanted him dead.  Or when he got violent with Historia.  Levi got angry because he knew her self-pitying was going to end up leading to even more bloodshed and violence, if she refused to take up her position as Queen, and he wanted to avoid that at all costs.  Because he’s always fighting and working for the betterment of the many, the betterment and salvation of humanity in general.

I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that Levi is never needlessly violent, or violent without just or understandable cause.  For as hard as his life has been, for as brutal, deprived and violent as his life was growing up, he’s incredibly well-adjusted and normal, without natural inclination towards violence, without a desire for it.  Given the kind of life he’s had, that’s remarkable.  Just how NOT dark, or twisted, or sadistic Levi is.  In fact he’s the opposite, immensely compassionate and empathetic and kind.  He knows that sometimes violence is the only solution to certain problems, and he’s able and willing to resort to it, if it helps better the situation, or saves lives, but he never seeks to hurt anyone for self-satisfaction.  He never hurts anyone because it makes him feel good, or for any kind of self-serving goal.  Totally the opposite, in fact, you can see an awful burden on guilt weighing him down every time he does.  He doesn’t enjoy it at all.  He finds no pleasure in it, but only guilt and remorse, even as he understands its necessity.  

It’s a sad kind of irony, in a way, that Levi is gifted with such an immense physical prowess for battle and fighting, because I think who Levi really is, is a gentle and caring soul.  In his heart of hearts, a pacifist.  The toll of violence weighs heavy on him throughout the series, both that which is inflicted on him and his friends, and that which he must inflict on others.  It’s important to note that Levi never acts violently towards, or hurts anyone who hasn’t, in some way, earned it from him.  Many characters, like Zeke and Eren, for example, do in fact end up hurting people who have never done anything to them personally, or who have never hurt anyone they care about.  But Levi never does that.  He never attacks anyone who hasn’t first attacked either him or those he cares about.  That’s an important distinction, I think.

Well anyway, I’ll be delving more into all these specific instances as I continue my read through of the manga!  I’m just kind of throwing my thoughts out there for now.

[inhonoredglory]

Run Away from Me: A Levi Meta

The core of this meta is to show that, IMHO, Levi’s violence against Historia in Chapter 56 is his emotional fallout from the torture of Sannes, as well as his own guilt at the person he had become. Coming from having only watched the anime, I personally found this placement in the manga of the Historia scene right after both the torture sequence and the Reeves Company alliance as incredibly meaningful, especially for Levi’s character and his emotional journey.

Levi is an immensely compassionate person, someone who wants to aspire to the “unimaginably altruistic” life of Erwin Smith (Isayama, SNK Encyclopedia). So how would this torture he had to inflict affect him? Because imagine for a second: This is the man who was the only one to truly react with horror and sadness at the knowledge that they’d been killing human beings all this time when they fought Titans. This is the man who went out of his way to ally with the Reeves Company in order to answer the Trost townspeople’s woes:

In Chapter 53, Levi is confronted with blatantly disrespectful Trost merchants who think the Survey Corps haven’t done enough to save their town. It’s the everyday things that burden these people—taxes, thieves, putting food on the table. Levi doesn’t once shoot back at them for their criticism. Instead, he listens. And then he spots a woman at the side of a merchant’s stall. She’s holding a baby and her eyes burn into Levi’s. She holds his attention while above him, the merchants continue their tirade. I think Levi’s thinking of his mother here: like this woman, she was a single parent raising a child in a city that is not unlike Trost now, a town abandoned and forgotten by society, poor and struggling. That child reminds Levi of himself, and this time, Levi can do something about it.

This is why Levi goes out of his way to ally with the Reeves Company. Levi and Dimo share a long, deep conversation, demonstrating that Levi’s alliance with them is more personal than merely the company’s strategic value. Dimo Reeves called Levi an “awkward yet kind man.” He goes on the say that Levi will “protect us and the barely-alive District of Trost, even though he doesn’t really have to.” This is Levi answering that townsperson’s accusation that “you in the Survey Corps aren’t working hard enough.” Levi entrusts to the Reeves Company the responsibility to bring the town out of poverty in the new world the SC will create. That’s his compassion, that’s his care, that’s his humility. That’s how he values the lives of people, not just by defeating Titans, but valuing their livelihoods. “A man like that must have come from absolutely nothing,” concludes Dimo.

This is the same Levi we find torturing Sannes.

In Chapter 55, the torture of Sannes happens because of the horrors Hange saw inflicted on Minister Nick. It is Hange’s passion for avenging Nick that drives the torture sequence, their anger at the tortures that had happened under the MP’s First Squad that motivates the payback inflicted by Hange and Levi. Levi’s violence is done, not out of his own desire, but primarily Hange’s. This is not to say that Levi was guiltless or without responsibility for Sannes’s torture; on the contrary, his actions weigh heavily on him, as will be discussed. But it’s interesting to note that out of all the tortures they did, breaking Sannes’ nose was the only retribution all Levi’s own (in reaction to Sannes’ justification of a series of horrific things the MPs had committed).

I also find it relevant that after everything they had done to Sannes, Levi was still visibly shocked at Hange’s overreaction to Sannes’ hesitation to answer their first real question. Because in Levi’s mind, everything they had done up to that point wasn’t torture—in one sense. It was instead a like-for-like payback for the horrors Sannes had inflicted on Nick. Note that it was Levi who had to pull Hange out of the emotional distraction of Nick’s death in Chapter 52, the same emotional distraction that drives Hange to overzealous violence here.

There’s an interesting parallel in what happens next with what Levi had gone through with Annie earlier. Levi threatened Annie with torture of her real body and said he enjoyed intimidating her as she was bound and trapped. Sannes confessed that for him, he enjoyed violence and tormenting the helpless—so why should he complain if these torturers, Hange and Levi, are the same as him? It’s a subtle parallel, but it’s a relevant theme in SNK that everyone, on all sides, are devils and monsters. Or as Sannes says later, “The world will always have people like us.” People who are violent, people who are lunatics, people who condemn themselves and get their hands dirty for the sake of some higher “good.” Sannes’ accusation isn’t lost on Levi, because this is the same Levi who looked at a struggling mother in a forsaken city and did something about it.

Justified violence is still violence. So what if Annie deserved to have her limbs cut off, time and time again, without relief of death? So what if Sannes deserves to have his fingernails torn off, one by one, without even a question put to him? They had, after all, inflicted death and untold horrors on innocent people. But does justice look like this? Does the name of justice absolve your hands from actions this ugly?

Morality is complicated. And Levi is the first to tell you that he doesn’t know how to slice it. “I’m not telling you what’s right or wrong. I certainly don’t know what is” (Chapter 59).

So now in Chapter 56, we come to the scene with Historia, right on the heels of that torture. The first red flag for me went up when Levi realizes he has “forgotten” to tell his squad about Historia’s true bloodline. It’s not that he didn’t intend to tell them, it’s not that he was not supposed to tell them. (Unlike, say, the entire Female Titan arc.) He forgot, and he’s clearly embarrassed when they confront him. Why? Because he’s not supposed to lose focus like that. But he did, because that information came from Sannes, and after that horrendous experience, Levi, like Hange before him, was emotionally distracted. That’s the only reason I can figure for Isayama focusing on Levi’s oversight like this, and showing Levi in such an obviously emotionally awkward place.

Hange isn’t here to translate for Levi, like she did when Levi berated Eren for being unable to harden during the experiments in Chapter 53. Levi takes the scenic, colorful route when explaining his feelings. To Eren, he admitted that his criticism wasn’t about blaming Eren for being unable to harden, stating that “going over our shortcomings and bitching about our situation is an important ritual.”

In this light, we can read Levi’s words and actions with Historia as a complicated picture of his psychological landscape. Notice how just prior to this scene, we saw Hange act out the aftermath of the torture by kicking the table. Levi too reacts, taking it out on Historia.

Imagine where Levi is right now. He’s taken on the role of Sannes in this new world—the executioner, the ultimate killer, Humanity’s Strongest. “Your hands are already dirty. You can’t go back to the way you were,” Levi tells Armin later, but it’s also what he believes about himself. All that idealism that brought him into the Survey Corps—a life bigger than being a thug in the underworld. Did all that idealism bring him here, to do this? He has to make it worth it, he has to make it count for something. It’s what he does every day when his soldiers die under him—he’s been there to make their deaths worthwhile. But who’s there to make the deaths and terrors he’s dealt out worthwhile for him?

Levi’s expression in the last panel is angry, yes, but also wracked with pain.

So when Historia says she’s unfit for the role of Queen, when she says she can’t be Queen because she’s not good enough, Levi snaps. “Then run,” he said, grabbing her. “Run away from us as fast as you can. Because we’re going to do anything and everything to make you do what we want.” Levi’s eyes are downcast, not looking at her, because what he’s saying is more about him than it is about her.

Because he knows he’s dark enough to follow those orders to do the worst things to a human being to make the entire world a better place. He knows it’s in his bones to commit these atrocities. He is afraid of what he found he’s capable of. He’s already come to terms with killing humans as Titans. He’s come to terms with torturing humans as humans. He knows he can and will do horrible, unforgivable things. That’s his strength, that’s what makes him valuable, useful, important. He’s not like other people—“I’m abnormal… probably because I’ve seen far too many abnormal things.” But he’s ready to condemn himself, to make his hands dirty for the sake of others. He’s decided he has to go full through with the darkness he’s committed, because how else can he justify what he’s done? “I’m fine playing the role of the lunatic who kills people like that. I have to be ready to rearrange some faces. Because I choose the hell of humans killing each other over the hell of being eaten. At least that way… all of humanity doesn’t have to be damned.” His are the hands that will be stained with blood, his is the conscience that will be stained, his is the soul that will sink to hell—all so that others’ innocence can be spared.

The 104th look at him like he’s gone mad, abusing a young, helpless girl like that. But they haven’t seen what he had to do. They haven’t seen how bloody his hands have gotten. His violence here is a desperate reaction to get someone to save him. He’s always been able to avenge the deaths of his soldiers. But this time, he is the one in need of redemption. He could not justify his violence completely, he could only plea for her to make them unnecessary in the future. By becoming Queen, it means he won’t have to keep torturing, keep killing, keep shedding human blood. Her becoming Queen means a peaceful transition of power. Her becoming Queen means he won’t have to pave the path to a new government with more blood and more guilt, at least, not more than he has to. He’s enslaved to doing what his strength allows him to do. He’s begging her to not let people ask that of him.