#if you have non-conservative parents you are incredibly lucky

[piedoesnotequalpi]

The next time someone complains about their liberal/centrist parents not being leftist enough I'm gonna have to ask them to spend a day with my parents and reevaluate

[kidstemplatte]

I recently came out to my parents as a trans man and long story short it didn't go well and my Dad still won't talk to me.

I know this isn't what you normally do, but could you write a story about Terzo comforting the reader after a bad coming out in a fatherly (platonic/non sexual of course) way? If not that's chill too

-🧭

(platonic) terzo/ ftm reader

of course, anon🤍 there’s a message for you and anyone else who wants to hear it at the end of this.

┌── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┐

-when terzo knocks on your door and hears a weary “one second”, the brightness absent in your voice, he immediately knows something is wrong.

-after wiping your tears, you walk to the door and open it.

-what’s wrong?” he asks when he sees your eyes are puffy and red.

-“i… i came out to my parents and it didn’t go well.”

-his heart sinks at what you just told him.

-“and now my dad won’t talk to me.” you sniffle.

-he’s upset, not just upset, angry. he’s confused, how someone could treat their own child, one as treasured as you, with such bigotry.

-“oh no, mio caro… come here.” he says, pulling you in for a hug. “mi dispiace. i’m so sorry.” he whispers as he holds you tightly.

-“it will be okay, piccolo. your papa is always on your side. not only me. the entire clergy is on your side. beyond that, anyone with morals and love in their heart.”

-he wipes the tears from your eyes and gently tilts your head up to meet his gaze.

-“hear what i am saying. you are a smart, caring, talented, and very special young man. your future is molto luminoso. so bright. keep your head up.”

-you nod.

-“anyone would be lucky to have you as their son. getting to see your smile every day, your handsome face.”

-you can’t help but smile at his kind words.

-“there we go. molto meglio.” he says once he sees the smile he loves so much, ruffling your hair as you laugh.

-“thank you, papa. i don’t deserve you.”

-“your papa is always here for you. that is why i am here, it is my job. not just in the church, but as someone who cares. i want to help you. you help me all the time, it is the least i can do.”

-“thank you papa.”

-“of course.”

-terzo is always there when you need to talk, whether it’s about your situation or something lighthearted.

- after a conversation with your family gone wrong, he is always willing to listen, lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

-he’s also generally so sweet to you regarding your transition in general. if you try out something new with your clothing or appearance, he’s always the first to compliment you. he’s so funny about it too.

-maybe you cut your hair, or simply style it different way. he stops you when he runs into you.

-“ay, look at you!”

-before you can say anything else, he’s spinning you around to get a 360 of your hair.

-“very very nice.”

-or when you wear a new outfit, maybe a new suit, something a little more formal.

-“i could use some fashion advice from you. i am old, not up to the trends.”

-if you guys are similar sizes, he will let you wear his clothes 🥺🥺🥺

-“this one is old… maybe not up to date- but… i guess vintage is cool, no?” he says, holding up a dark purple suit.

-“i love it. and vintage is cool.”

-“you can keep it, then.”

-“really?”

-“si.”

-he tells you stories of what happened in the particular outfit he’s showing you. it’s nearly always something outlandish and hilarious.

-“please, be smarter than your papa. but have fun.”

-terzo has the sweetest most accepting heart. i firmly believe this. not just for the sake of fanfiction but genuinely.

└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘

anon 🧭🤍

this is another request i can’t ignore or stall on.

i am so sorry you had that experience. i myself am not trans but i know these things are so difficult. i’m so sorry your dad isn’t talking to you. i wish i could reach through the screen and give you a hug.

i watched this exact thing happen with my trans brother a few years ago. my dad is incredibly conservative and transphobic. it put a huge strain on his relationship with my brother after he came out. he refused to call my brother by his name and pronouns.

my dad still doesn’t support the transgender community. but he does support his son now. after a long time, my dad finally came around. he’s not a perfect person, has a long way to go, but he came around.

i guess what i’m trying to say by sharing that is that this isn’t the end.

but whatever you choose, to remain in contact or not, i want you to know that you are in control. this is your future and your identity, and you deserve to feel secure in who you are and who you are surrounded by.

you are so valid and real and i love you.

[msdenvs3000f24]

Unit 1

Describe your current relationship with nature. How has this developed/evolved? Who offered you “a sense of place,” as described in our textbook?

I would describe my relationship with nature as a constant in the way that gravity is a constant... It's always there, ticking away in the background.

Throughout my childhood, I was lucky enough to have parents who were keen to immerse me in as much of the surrounding nature as possible, for that I will be forever grateful. Growing up in South Wales (UK), immersion meant long hikes over bracken-covered hills listening to skylarks calling above. Then, to occupy me when the skies poured incessantly (as they often do in Wales), our TV played just about any nature documentary, film, or show available on a limited budget. Living in a deeply rural area, afforded me many nature-y luxuries. Not least on that list was the ‘right to roam’ – which is a written law in most parts of the UK – allowing me to escape into the hills at any and every chance.

The view from my favourite hilltop rock, which looks out on the village I grew up in and the Black Mountains National Park beyond (May 2020).

In high school, I began to use nature as a tool to step away from stress and anxiety, particularly through birding. I became fascinated by a pair of red kites which visited my yard each day, and would consider them a sort of ‘spark bird’. They were the species that made me really pay attention to animals' behaviour in my own backyard, and were also my introduction to conservation.

Once common around the UK, the species experienced near-catastrophic population decline largely due to sport hunting in the late 1800s, leaving just 3 breeding pairs in mid Wales by 1900. Thanks to the efforts of conservationists and locals, these species received military protection, a ban on hunting under royal decree, and made an astonishing comeback. Now, there are over 2500 breeding pairs in Wales, and I was lucky enough to see this incredible species most days growing up. Fast forward a year or two through a global pandemic, and the birding had only intensified, and I began volunteering at a local bird of prey centre. Watching this incredibly resilient species up close, I realised I wanted to pursue a career that allowed me to keep doing exactly that.

Me and Saffron, the non-releasable red kite, on my first day as a volunteer at the British Bird of Prey Centre (Aug. 2021)

Since moving to Ontario to study at UofG, my interest and connection to nature has led me to build lasting friendships and an invaluable career network. Though the habitats I now spend time in are much different, the ‘sense of place’ I feel has not really changed. I still feel that intense calm, followed by subtle awe when I step out into nature. I certainly attribute the foundations of this to my parents who have supported every step further into nature (even the over-the-top penguin obsession phase), but I also give a little credit to myself as well. Being in nature encouraged a shy kid to come out of her shell, and without that push to share my excitement and interests with others, I’d have not found it so easy to make Ontario my new home...though I do often yearn for that Welsh ‘right to roam’.

[rivetgoth]

Sorry for being a little bitchy but I’m gonna come back to this real quick to say like. I generally consider myself in a place of pretty material privilege most of the time but it’s a bit harrowing to consider that realistically literally every single thing I really care about has either been illegal in my lifetime, is currently illegal now, is still illegal in massive parts of the world, and/or faces massive amounts of systemic backlash and frequent pushes towards criminalization. This is everything from my hobbies to my relationships to my sexuality to my transition to the fact that I am alive and live where I do today on account of my family being war refugees from the Middle East. Sexuality, kink, medically & socially & legally transitioning to male, body modification, drugs, clubbing, nonmonogamy, writing novels with explicit controversial content, being mixed and Arab, so many of my friends being various types of queer, not straight, trans men and women, kinky, polyamorous, nonwhite, drug users, alternative artists, and/or immigrants, living my life for pleasure and for love and for magic…

Again, I don’t say this to suggest that I’m in any frequent or immediate material danger, I’m not. I’m very lucky that I am able to live how I do and be who I am happily and comfortably. But I say this to highlight the fact that as I’ve grown up I feel I’ve only become increasingly thoughtful of the genuine absurd inequities in society and how easy it is to slip into complacency as other people just living their lives are facing incredible subjugation and violence and marginalization just for existing. And I’m not like saying I’m some enlightened individual who is ideologically perfect (of course not), but more that it’s a real exercise in humility to consider how much of who I am and what matters to me is shaped by things that could get me or people like me killed and I really try to be cognizant of that.

And if I’m going to be a little mean I don’t know how many people on this website can say the same… I know there are all the kinda nasty jokes about how nobody on here goes outside or has sex or whatever and I don’t need to take cheap shots but I do think it’s saying the obvious that a lot of the people on this site by their own admission self-identify as like. Introverted individuals who don’t enjoy going out much, who are very nervous or anxious about doing anything wrong or stepping on toes, who are white, who either are not in a relationship or having sex or who are primarily having vanilla sex in monogamous relationships, those doing drugs and those who aren’t white and those who come from poverty and those going out and living explicitly queer or kinky or non normative lifestyles are a minority and I feel that it shows more and more as the user base I’ve been apart of for a decade+ age and settle into whatever path adulthood has in store for them. I actually specifically have been kind of in shock recently at the amount of generational wealth the user base of this website collectively seems to have—That poll where like 70% of respondents said their parents paid their college tuition. Or the one that asked how much people’s parents made and the winning results were 6 digits. or one I just saw where 90% (!!!!!) of respondents said they didn’t live in a neighborhood with any gang activity.

I kinda feel that for a lot of people, as teenagers they liked the aesthetics of revolution because it made them *feel* radical which was kind of just code for feeling like they were sticking it to their conservative parents. To be mean it made them feel like Hunger Games protagonists or something you know. And to be fair! These were people who were outcasts, they were weird introverts who probably were bullied or excluded at school, they felt powerless and angry, and LBR, just being a teenager sucks and denies you incredible amounts of freedom that adults are afforded so of course this image of rebellion is appealing. But I think a lot of these same people didn’t bring that energy into adulthood in earnest because it wasn’t a super earnest activity to begin with. It was like, online thought experiment, but as is the case with many teenage dreams it wasn’t really grounded in a material reality or ideology. And they still SEE themselves as rebellious revolutionaries because they’ve held onto the aesthetics of their youth; most of them aren’t explicitly becoming conservative. But it’s still just aesthetics. “How can I be conservative?” they ask, “I use they/them pronouns! I believe in equality! I believe oppression is wrong! I hate conservatives! I’m a tumblr user!”

“…But kids these days and the things they like are just more annoying then I ever was. But I keep accidentally reblogging from fascists, conservative religious fundamentalists, and TERFs. But when I walk down the street I am scared of strangers who look different than me. But I do have a gut reaction if someone tells me they have a lifestyle that isn’t the same as my own. But I do feel like there’s value in tradition and that modernity is less pure. But I do feel uncomfortable when I see a black person get angry. When I see a trans woman get mean. When I see a Palestinian person ask for money. When I see someone on drugs-” And it just goes unchecked and keeps getting worse. Idk.

I think it’s a more societal thing and this is just one microcosm but I do think the userbase of this site really has broadly become increasingly reactionary and socially conservative in its school of thought over the last ~4 years and it’s pretty bizarre to see. Especially because I’m not talking about there being some influx of new politically conservative users who migrated from 4chan or something, I mean the same cannibal horror sex fag punk blood crowd who have been populating this site are adopting unchecked reactionary tendencies as they age and now posts about like basic feminist theory can’t be made without a bunch of devils advocates in the comments who would’ve been right at home in like, the 2011 version of the internet where just the word “feminist” itself was a widely accepted insult. It’s really wild to see honestly. I do think some people have grown out of their teenage radicalism and now that they’ve settled into comfortable adulthood are no longer interested in disturbing (or really even, questioning) the status quo.

[takerfoxx]

Jurassic Park 4: Doki Idol Live Festival!

magic5ball submitted:

Remember how you asked me about my idea for a Jurassic Park sequel? Well, here you go:

The two velociraptors stood outside a pastel colored town house in Hokkaido prefecture, Japan. If any passerbys thought that was weird, they certainly didn’t show it. Probably because the raptors were wearing fedoras and fake mustaches, so they looked like humans. Also they had guns. Very cool, very intimidating mobster guns. A tommy gun and a sawed-off shotgun, respectively.

You needed guns, to survive Shinzo Abe’s little empire of vice and socialized medical care.

“So this is the place, huh?” muttered the velociraptor carrying the sawed-off shotgun. His thick Brooklyn accent hung in the air like concrete. “Kinda… frillier than I was expecting.”

“It better be.” Replied his companion, who sounded like your racist conservative uncle trying to impersonate that one cool guy from ‘The Godfather’ (You know, the one with the mustache who was played by Robert de Niro). “We hadda kill a whole lotta people to get this hellhole.”

Sawed-off shotgun licked his non-existent lizard lips

“But hey. That airplane stewardess tasted mighty fine goin-“

“Oh, for f*ck’s sake, would ya stop thinkin’ with your stomach and help me with this f*ckin’ knob!” cried tommy gun, trying to work the doorknob best he could with his raptor claws, which, in all honesty, wasn’t much, because raptor claws are terrible at operating things meant for human fingers. Little did he know, the door was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push.

At least he didn’t have to wait long before someone unlocked the door from the other side: another velociraptor, this one a bit on the short side. And p!ssed. Very, very p!ssed. You could tell he was the cool one because he wore an eyepatch over one eye. An eyepatch with a Captain Underpants logo on it.

“Didn’t your parent’s ever teach you idiots about using the doorbell?! I was just about to enjoy lunch with my beautiful wife and you-!“

He paused, recognizing the two figures facing him.

“Well, well, well” Said tommy gun, cocking his weapon “If it isn’t SWEET JOHN HAMMOND’S BALLSACK WHAT THE F*CK AM I LOOKING AT?!”

For the cool raptor was dressed in a gothic Lolita maid outfit, complete with a bonnet and penny loafers. Under his arm he carried a human sized pillow depicting what appeared to be a blonde floozy with massive tits.

 “Oh this? This is Mami Tomoe, my beautiful wife.”

“WHAT THE F*CK!?!?” Tommy gun pulled out a flask off orange Fanta from his butthole and drank the whole thing in one go. He did NOT have time for this homosexual weeaboo nonsense! Still, he and shotgun hadn’t left a mountain of corpses the exact height and width as Mt. Fuji behind them. Too many to go back to Isla Nublar empty handed. Er, clawed. Because they were dinosaurs. Who have claws.

Shotgun took a deep breath. “What the Boss means to say is, ‘May we take refuge in this fine establishment?’”

Cool raptor opened his mouth to reveal a pistol he’d hidden there. And by hidden I mean replaced his tongue with it.

“You know, for all crap you guys used to give me in the past, I oughta pump you full of lead right here and now. Buuutttt… the lady of the house is present, and I’m not in the mood to create more work on her end. So come on in! You’re just in time for lunch.”

Lest they attract unneeded attention, the three dinosaurs hopped inside.

.   .   .

Lunch was omurice boba tea with a bottle of teriyaki sauce on the side. It was just boba tea, but the boba had been replaced by omurice because F-Bomb hated the flavor of boba, which he likened to rabbit crap. The teriyaki sauce was teriyaki sauce.

It was the most racist thing shotgun had ever eaten.

“Well, now that you jerks have gotten a taste of my sloppy seconds, I suppose some introductions are in order. You’ve already met my lovely wife” Cool raptor gestured to the body pillow seated next to him “So that leaves you two. Mami, meet A-Hole and D-Bag. A-Hole’s got the tommy gun, D-Bag is ridin’ her sawed off shotgun, as always. They’re old… acquaintances of mine.”

“He.” Corrected D-Bag. “I’ve been using he/him pronouns six months now.”

“Well that’s an improvement. Now instead of bein’ the Boss’ side B!tch literally, you’re just his b!tch figuratively!”

“Well screw you too, F-Bomb!” laughed the boss. “An’ speakin’ of screwing, what’s with the fruity get up? You a prostitute now or something?”

 “Even better! This might surprise you, but I’ve got legitimate work now. This here’s my uniform, my uniform for MILF TIDDIES!”

A-Hole chugged his entire bottle of teriyaki sauce in one go, lest his mind implode from the sheer stupidity of that sentence.

“The Hell’s a milf tiddie!?”

“Only the best freakin’ maid café in Hoikaido, hookers!”

He gestured to a wall, covered in hundreds of photos of cute floozies dressed like they were attending a vampire’s funeral. Among them was a photo of F-Bomb in his drag, serving a deep fried hot dog to some elderly Japanese dude.

“As you can see, yours truly is serving Japan’s national desert to none other than 57th Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe!”

“Hold it up. Youse been hobnobbing it with politicians?!”

“I wish! You’re thinking of Shinzo Abe, 57th Prime Minister of Japan. This guy is his twin brother. Still pretty sweet though. We DID win a Grammy for that, after all.”

A-Holes eyes bulged out of his scaly raptor head.

“YOUSE WON A GRAMMY FOR THAT?!”

“Dang right! Milf Tiddies has won sixteen Grammys since I started working there!” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. A very special piece of paper, if the six holes punched into it were any indication. “Did you know that if you win ten Grammys in a row, they give you a free orphan? That’s how the wife and I got our glorious daughter, Lil’ Nagisa!”

F-Bomb pulled a faded photo out of his wallet. A photo showing himself, his pillow wife, and a smaller body pillow of a ten-year-old moeblob wearing a Green Bay Packers cheesehead helmet.

“So youse couldn’t even conceive your own kid?” Inquired D-Bag sexily. He was munching his omurice slowly, so F-Bomb knew he was being serious.

“Are you implying I have sex with my own wife, you sick freak?! I’m a weeaboo, not some degenerate anime fanboy! Get it straight!” He instinctively cocked the pistol in his throat. It was awesome as hell.

In response, D-Bag pumped his shotgun. Loudly.

“Permission to put the sick freak out of his misery, Boss?”

“Firstly, don’t call me Boss when we’re not having anal sex. Second, no can do, my spicy lover. We need F-Bomb alive.”

F-Bomb heard all of this even though A-Hole whispered it, but he pretended not to make A-Hole feel clever.

D-Bag mumbled about how the Boss was lucky he was so mind blowing in the sack, otherwise he would have left the relationship long ago. The sack in this case being a really kinky sex dungeon. Like really kinky. So kinky even Donald Trump wouldn’t go within a mile of it. D-Bag had almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation more times than I’ve gone to the bathroom in my lifetime. That’s why he was the smartest dinosaur out of the three of them. Now where was I again?

Anyway, F-Bomb interrogated

“Alright guys, what’s the deal? I know folks who come to this socialized medical care infested hellhole, and they don’t come here just to eat omurice boba tea. You WANT me for something.”

He cocked his mouth-pistol again. Sparks flew all over the carpet, which was made of alpaca fur so it didn’t catch fire.

A-Hole scandalously kept his cool.

“It’s about Isla Nublar.”

The second those words left A-Hole’s lips, F-Bomb escorted his wife out of the kitchen, but leaned her against the kitchen door, because that’s what she would have wanted.

“Well what about it? I told ya guys, I’m done with that dump.”

“They’re puttin’ the screws on us, F-Bomb. Making us pay for eating those tourists back in the nineties.”

“And what makes you think I care? Like I said, I’m done with that place. I got a wife and kid now.”

“But F-Bomb, doesn’t the Park mean ANYTHING to ya!? What about the time we ate that park ranger that called you a girl? ‘Better than sex’ I recall you saying.”

“Nice try, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get misgendered again. Don’t you guys got any ideas that don’t involve me?”

“As a matter of fact, yours truly had this really spectacular one!”

D-Bag did a hand gesture wherein he constantly crossed his dinosaur claws across his throat rapidly in quick succession. A-Hole, being very smart, knew this meant he should continue, loudly enough so that everyone in the prefecture could hear.

“It was called ‘Trump Ballz’. We’d harvest Donald Trump’s testicles, see, and sell them to the highest bidder, so they could do whatever people do with lopped off testicles. I’m not one to judge. It was a terrific idea. I know because when I told my best friend Donald Trump about it, he said, ‘A-Hole, this is an incredible idea. Absolutely terrific! This is probably the best idea in America! You are very smart, very intelligent dinosaur! I oughta buy you a prostitute!’ Of course, we didn’t realize that Trump’s ballz don’t grow back when you lop them off. Did you know that by the way? Human testicles don’t grow back-“

F-Bomb cocked the pistol inside his throat gain, getting the Boss to shut up. This was probably the most heroic thing anyone had ever done in the history of the universe. He also asked a question:

“SO WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!”

A-Hole vomited a severed arm and a pamphlet onto the table.

“EVERYTHING, ya WEEB trash!”

The pamphlet was for something called the Doki Idol Live Fest- DILF, for short. F-Bomb was no stranger to the DILF, but they had parted ways years ago. Six, to be exact, when he had buried Nico Yazawa’s still screaming corpse by the side of the highway. And neither was he stranger to the prize.

It looked like a beer and soda drinking baseball cap, but only to complete idiots who didn’t know crap about the Idol Life.

And F-Bomb wasn’t one of those people, er dinosaurs.

“THE MCGUFFIN OF SIN?!”

“Dam* straight! And like it or not, youse the only one with enough idol know-how to help us win it! Thing’s worth, like, a zillion dollars.”

A zillion in this case was equivalent to half a million. Still, isn’t that impressive?

F-Bomb stuck his nose in his omurice and snorted, a common intimidation tactic among velociraptors. I know because I read  it in the Scientific American.

“Sorry, guys, but even with that on the line, no can do. I’m DONE with the Idol Life, any I’m not letting you filthy casuals drag me back in.” He cocked the pistol in his throat. “NOW SCRAM!”

A-Hole and D-Bag jumped out a window, so they could get the jump on a feral dog humping its’ owner. Nobody realized they were dinosaurs because of their fake mustaches, so it looked like a pair of mobsters were eating a puppy.

When they were gone, F-Bomb pranced to the bathroom, which was filled with plush alpacas he had collected over the years. So many, in fact, the bathroom did not meet OSHA compliance. Which was why F-Bomb had made it an independent nation state, only to realize that OSHA didn’t apply to him anyway, since he lived in Japan.

He had felt really stupid after that, but at least he got his own country out of it.

Anyway, he vomited sixteen liters of blood into the sink, for F-Bomb had a secret: he was dying. Back when he was a fetus in an egg in a lab on some island in the Caribean, he’d become addicted to the illegal street drug known as WEEB, and frequent use had poisoned his lungs. The doctors had given him Socialized Medical Care and four more years to live. The WEEB had taken eighty years off his life. Socialized Medical Care had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back.

But F-Bomb also had a dream: he and his wife were going to build their own maid café, and it would be even better than MILF Tiddies. He’d already picked a title: DILF Tiddies, and it was going to be the greatest food-selling establishment in the history of Japan. Omurice boba tea was going to go global. But he’d never get the funds on time, not on his meager salary. Unless…

His beautiful wife greeted him as he exited the bathroom.

“Get a pen and some razor blades, sweetgums. I’ve got a letter to send.”

.   .   .

The message arrived in the neck of a mailman’s severed head. This is the traditional way velociraptors send letters to each other. I read it in a book.

D-Bag didn’t see the letter, but the look on A-Hole’s face told him everything.

“What’d I tell ya, D-Bag? Like I always say, when you’re dino you’re dino all the way, till youse dead in the ground or youse come out as gay!”

“Yeah, we really need to update those lyrics.”

End Chapter 1

...I cannot for the life of me decide if this is the greatest thing I've ever seen or the worst, but it at the very least had me staring speechless at my computer screen for a long time.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #392

“l.a. is where stars come to die”

Do you think there’s anything you did better when you were younger? I think I was a better writer, honestly. Like I've developed in some areas, like being less over-dramatic, but I just think my creativity in wording and such has dulled down. Who was the craziest teacher you’ve ever had? I've never had a "crazy" teacher, honestly. What’s the last thing you got paid to do? Take pictures. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone else? How should I know? Ask either Jason or Sara. Have you ever wanted to model? No. Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? I THINK my sister? Teddy had seizures in his old age, too. What’s your favorite car? I don't have one, really. Do you know any HTML or CSS? If yes, how much? I know veeeeery little basics. LIke, I can change the color of shit and that's about it lmao. Do you tend to care about the lives of celebrities? Why or why not? Only celebrities I really really care about, like Mark. What do you think of the scene style? #aesthetic and I will ALWAYS be envious of the hair. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I remember one. What is the highest you have been up, other than in an airplane? On a certain faire ride, I wanna say. Is there any hope of you ever seeing your favorite band in concert? Ozzy does want to do another tour at some point, but he's fighting Parkinson's currently, so it's not guaranteed it will happen. Mom and I planned on going to his last one that was scheduled, but the diagnosis cancelled it. :( What is your favorite non-green vegetable? Uhhhhh I guess potatoes. What is your favorite non-traditional fruit? I don't think I've even had a non-traditional fruit. Just basic stuff. Have you ever had Swedish Fish? Yeah, I'm not a fan. What is your favorite origami shape? Birds, I guess. Do you usually take the stairs or the elevator? I pretty much always take an elevator if one's available because my legs can barely handle stairs at all. It's agonizing for me. Do you need a key card to get into the building you live in? No. What was the last takeout food you had? I had a burger from McDonald's a few days ago. Do you take the pickle off your burgers? No, I love pickles on burgers. Do you share a bed with anyone? Just my cat. If you’ve read or watched Harry Potter, which book/movie is your favorite? I haven't. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? I re-installed DragonVale. What do you know the most about? Meerkats, Markiplier, and Silent Hill, probably. What TV shows can you not stand? What's that stupid show on Adult Swim, Rooster Teeth or something like that? That shit was so dumb. Have you ever tasted your own tears? I mean not intentionally. Sometimes tears just fall down a spot where it happens. Are your legs hairy? I can almost guarantee to you that I probably have the hairiest legs of any woman you've ever met. Do you like Cheese-Itz? I love them! We don't really buy them though because both Mom and I can destroy a box of them. Have you ever built a sandcastle? I have. Did you ever watch Barney as a child? Yeah, I loved Barney, but not as much as my older sister. She literally "married" him, haha. Have you ever had a pet rabbit? No, but my older sis did as a kid. That poor thing died and Ashley didn't know for THREE DAYS. Mom took it out earlier and I guess she wanted to see how long it took Ash to notice? She didn't take great care of it, so. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? Yes, my friendship ring with Sara. To you, what is especially distracting? Tapping noises. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? MAJOR cleaning? Good question. How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? It sickens me. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Nope. When are you likely to lie? Probably when I don't want to seriously hurt someone. What is a personality type that you do not like? I hate people who think they know everything, are unwilling to acknowledge their flaws and work on them, feel they're better than others, are closed-minded, sexist, bigoted, racist... What is a personality type that you DO like? I am drawn to people who are empathetic and try to understand and consider more than just themselves, are caring and genuine, philosophical and think deeply, are calm, friendly, good listeners, and have a light sense of humor. Which of your friends is the least like you? In what way? I actually don't know. MAYBE Mini with her being extremely conservative to a frustrating degree and overwhelmingly religious. We diverge pretty strongly in beliefs that are important to me. How about the most like you? In what way? Sara! We have incredibly similar interests and morals, and we both are wild over animals. When was the last time you felt under-appreciated? I'm gonna be completely transparent here, even though it's uncomfortable to admit. I was very unhappy with the literally two interactions a poem I was really proud of got on dA. Like it was one I was trying to get published prior to just posting it there, so it was really disappointing to feel so overlooked when you worked hard on something you felt came out great. Does anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted? No. Are you taking anyone for granted? I sure as hell hope no one feels like I do. I definitely try to appreciate those I have to the utmost. What is one selfish thing that you do? I prioritize my alone time probably too much. How about something selfless? I'm pretty much always willing to listen to people's hardships and comfort them even if my own mental health is in poor condition. What do you like to do on your favorite holiday? Just be with family and really focus on how lucky I am to have them. What helps you fall asleep? I guess really paying attention to slowing my breathing, but that doesn't always work. It takes me at LEAST half an hour to fall asleep, so I struggle no matter what. Is there anyone you wish you were still friends with now? Megan. I really, really miss her. What is a fear you want to overcome? SOCIAL ANXIETY. UGH. What is something you do not like about yourself, with good reason? I'm lazy. What do you usually cry about? PTSD. Do you like pizza better on the second day? No. What do you like on your pancakes? Butter and normal syrup. Have you ever made up your own emoticon? I don't think so. How do you generally meet people? Online in one way or another. Have you ever seen a Broadway show in New York? No. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, "God Hates Your Outfit" by Jeffree Star lmao. Look, it's catchy. Can anyone in your immediate family play the guitar? No. Have you ever wished to be an internet celebrity? How about a ‘real’ one? No. Like I've actually *loosely* considered trying to be a let's player with my love of games, but I don't even want to *risk* popularity; not that I think I'd get to that point, but still, I don't like the chance. Have you ever been kayaking? No. Do you still live with your parents? Yes. Do you believe you will never get over someone? I think Jason will always occupy at the very least a small corner of my mind. I just deal with loss so poorly in general, but that... that breakup was something. What do you order at Burger King? I don't like BK. Have you ever lived by yourself? No. Pretty sure I never could with my depression. What brand cell phone do you have? It's just a Tracfone, lol. Did you ever have a ‘security blanket’ when you were younger? Yes, my stuffed moose. What is your lucky charm? I don’t have one. Have you ever been in a wedding? Yeah, I was a bridesmaid in my sister's. Do you believe in yourself? ehhhhhh What time does your dad usually wake up in the morning? I don't live with him, so I can't say for sure. He's a mailman though, so he gets up early, I know. Who was the last person/people you were in a car with? Mom. What movie do you plan on watching next? I've been meaning to watch Jacob's Ladder for like... over a year, lmao. It served as an inspirational work for Silent Hill, and I know its reputation is brilliant, so I really want to see it. I just... don't really watch movies unless I'm in the theater. When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Gasp or go "what the fuck" or something along those lines. I can almost promise a curse word is coming out of my mouth, lol. Using song lyrics, say something to your most recent ex: I don't wanna get emotional digging through the songs that remind me of her, so pass, lol. You can only watch 4 TV shows for the rest of your life. What are they? Meerkat Manor, That '70s Show, maybe Pokemon even if I don't watch it anymore (it could be like a comfort show if I'm limited to four), aaaaand I think Ginga Densetsu Weed. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? ... Yes??? There are a couple that have for me. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? I'm not having kids, sooo I don't have to worry about this. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. I'd be really upset if some did, but I wouldn't cry. Who is your favourite famous person who isn’t a singer, actor, or athlete? Well, I WOULD say Mark, but considering he's officially an actor now... guess not, haha. Uhhhh. Put him aside and I guess maybe Bindi Irwin. I'm not sure.

[captainmarvelrb]

Dysphoria Diaries: Why “Captain Marvel” is my Perfect Transgender Movie

So, this is like a special feature, the first of many I’m sure, but this entry is going to be much longer than usual but I promise it’s worth a read!

So, first thing’s first, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. Started it fully certain that I was a heterosexual, cis-man, and now, in November, I’m sure I’m a transgender, gay woman so, yeah, bit of a big flip there and it can feel pretty overwhelming.

BUT thinking about one film in particular has really helped me out a LOT during this whole scary yet incredibly exciting period, and that film is “Captain Marvel”.

So basically, I was a big fan of Captain Marvel before the movie, back all the way since 2013 and she had just RECENTLY ditched the awful leotard for the kick-ass red, yellow, and blue, and I still remember the first time I fell in love with her. It felt shallow, but it was a poster! I saw a poster of her in my local comic shop, knew nothing about her...but I KNEW I needed that poster because she looked SO COOL. That COSTUME! And then, one thing lead to another, started reading her stories, and then, for one reason or another, I quickly decided, “This woman is MY FAVORITE marvel character. Period.” In this house we LOVE Captain Marvel (hence the username, obvi).

And so I held on, rooting for YEARS for my girl to show up and kick ass in the MCU, and when her film got announced in 2015 I was OVER THE MOON! And then, 2019 hit, and despite all the TOXIC fucking pissbaby, dude-bro men, I got to see her movie, I loved it, and my girl cracked a billion at the box office so, yeah, it was a pretty good year for me :)

And now it’s been a few months, and I’ve had the chance to relive this film many, many times and each time I loved it more but, it’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to give it a rewatch...that is, until I figured out that I am, in actuality, a trans woman. A realization that, in all actuallity, I should have realized a long time ago...

So, why has this significantly changed the way I view this film? Well, a film, any film, is subjective and how you view life significantly affects how you view movies...and I didn’t think it was possible...but now that I know I’m trans this movie has COMPLETELY changed for me and I love it SO MUCH MORE.

Because I feel like it’s my story...I finally see myself here in this very story...

Hear me out here.

The movie starts, as we know, with Carol loving far away on Hala, loving her life as “Vers”, a fierce and promising Kree warrior. And ever-loving badass

And this is where I see myself, at least the version of me that existed when this year started, because even though Vers is seemingly happy, comfortable with who she is and what she does and with how her life is, there’s a part of her that secretly feels restrained. She’s purposefully being held back, she’s not like the others, and she doesn’t even realize it. She’s playing the role of Vers, even if she doesn’t know that it’s just a role...

This is how I was until literally this year. When this year started, I “knew” I was a man, I was straight, and that was that, simple. And sure, some things felt off. I always hated the idea of body hair anywhere on me, I always pick female avatars in games when I have the choice, and I have a super strong affinity for strong, female characters but no, it’s nothing, and I’ve got an excuse and a coping mechanism for all of it. (I.e. Repressing my feelings about my body, I just pick women because I’m a MAN™️ and I just like looking at women, and, my favorite, “it’s just a coincidence”).

I was playing a role...and I played it well. I believed it. I didn’t think about it.

Until something happened that made me question that...

For Carol, it was falling to earth, coming home. For me, it was education and my LGBTQ friends. For both of us, it was exposure...exposure to the very thing we’d been repressing for so damn long.

Carol spends time on earth, realizes she has a life there, and slowly but surely starts to understand that what she’s been told, by those who expect her to play a certain role, is not the truth.

Me, it was going to college, getting away from smalltown, USA and actually spending time learning about and spending time with LGBTQ individuals. Smalltown USA was very conservative, I was not, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have an effect on me. I knew that LGBTQ individuals didn’t choose to be that way, therefore I didn’t hate them and disparage them like most of my peers, but in environments like that with minimal education on the matters...sometimes you can’t help it. Some things just stick. Bad stereotypical and homophobic thoughts.

Until I went to college. A liberal college. There I learned more, and a lot of those ingrained, toxic thoughts were dissolved and replaced with understanding and appreciation and respect. This increased much, much further when my girlfriend revealed to me that she was bisexual and also non-binary. And she helped me more than anyone else, because for the first time I had an actual friend who was an active and knowledgeable member of the LGBTQ community. She taught me SO much...

And it only took 3 years with her, 3 years of growing thoughts and possibilities...before I asked her some important questions.

Carol said, “I think I used to have a life here.”

I said, “I think I would prefer it if I was in a female body.”

And then, from that first simple, personal observation both of us, Carol and I, grew and grew, understanding more and more as we went on our own personal journeys. Fortunately for both of us, we weren’t alone. We had someone to talk to...

And although we had all the evidence in front of us, and although we knew something was wrong, we stayed in denial for the longest time. Despite everything I had said, everything I felt, I decided that I wasn’t trans, because I thought I would be fine living life in a male body. I decided that “non-binary” would be a better descriptor. Even “Non-Binary Trans Femme”, and I even came out to my friends as such. But, even though I did so, it never really felt right. But It meant I didn’t need to change. I could pretend that nothing was different. It wasn’t flat-out denial...but it was a denial.

Carol stayed in denial until Telos showed her the black box...I stayed in denial until my partner told me how it was, made me stop lying to myself, and we had some more long conversations.

And she told me something that I still haven’t forgotten.

She told me, in regards to what I call myself, “You need to do whatever makes you feel powerful.”

And it clicked...because I didn’t feel powerful as I was...because, in my mind, powerful goes hand in hand with the word “woman”. And everything fell into place. I would feel powerful if I was in a female body. I would feel confident leaving the house. I would be happy with the way I looked. I would feel that everything inside would finally be justified, comfortable, and happy...it was the moment I broke that facade. I realized I’d been playing a role. The role of a man. A role that had been holding me back.

Since I learned I was trans, I’ve felt happy, happier than I have felt in a long time. I’m excited. I’m energetic. I’ve started working out, running, I’ve started taking care of myself. I’m eating healthier, snacking less. I’m writing again, happily. I’m I afraid of what others think or say. I feel a weight off my shoulders.

And it 100% made me feel like Carol when she breaks her regulator, and finally goes binary.

Because that was the moment that she accepted who she was, and stopped playing a role. And that was the moment when she truly became powerful. A force of nature. Earth’s Mightiest Hero.

And she became unstoppable...and that’s exactly how I feel right now in this moment...I feel free and proud

Because I am lucky. I have such a supportive friend group around me right now, such important people who have embraced me, who still love me, and it makes me feel like I’m shining, glowing like a Star. It makes me feel like I got something to look forward to, and it makes me so eager and excited.

I still haven’t told my parents, and I don’t know how that will go...but here...Carol is once again nothing more than an inspiration to me. Because...

...or them, or anyone else. I am valid, I am beautiful, and I will be amazing. Because this is my journey, and just like Carol it’s only just beginning.

And, you know, this post may feel like it ended up going no where but I don’t care. It helps me keep it together, it makes me happy, so I’m gonna do It and I’m gonna post it. Because I think it’s cool. I think it’s amazing that such an important character in my life has played such a new, important, and unexpected role in what feels like a new life...and that matters so much to me. And me alone.

Thanks for reading :)

It’s the little things...

[the-black-dragons-den]

Hello! How're things going with you these days? Hope it's going alright

Hi! I’ve been meaning to respond to this for days but I also wanted to take this as an opportunity to just kind of, elaborate on my life because it’s been kind of crazy! I am so sorry for turning this into a novel about myself because a simple “I’m doing better, thanks!” probably would have sufficed to answer, but I also needed to get this all out!

Also you know you are one of my favorite mutuals, I adore your blog, and your presence on my tumblr feed always makes me smile! Thank you for checking in with me, that’s super sweet of you!

TLDR; My mental health is a daily struggle but I’m taking real steps to take care of myself. My financial situation has dramatically improved, I didn’t catch Coronavirus, and in general things are looking up! I’m also trying to decide what the heck to do with my life - seek a better job now or go back to school to train to get a better job. 

Here’s the long version!

At the end of last year, my fiance and I both quit our jobs due to a SUPER toxic work environment. That lead to a very long and stressful battle to win my unemployment benefits from that employer (but I did win eventually!) That whole thing was really hard on my mental health, but worth it in the end. Even with that, we basically blew through all of our very meager year-long savings (that was intended to go toward my fiance’s much needed dental work) for rent and groceries, right around the 2019 holidays so that was a really hard time. We both found jobs (mine part-time and his first one temporary and his current one full-time and awesome) but we still spent the first couple months of this year going to the food bank every week and barely making rent. We’ve been in hard times like that before but having to spend ALL of our savings was gut-wrenching. 

So, roughly 3 weeks after my fiance got his new awesome job, Coronavirus became a big threat in our area and he was immediately laid off. Luckily, he was guaranteed his job back, and was able to get unemployment during that time. I’m still on unemployment while I’m working this part-time job, but more on that later. Anyway, that means we both received the extra pandemic benefits with our unemployment payments. 

My job now is merchandising, which means that I work for a company that’s contracted by stores in the area, and I go to those stores and do things like setting displays, compliance scanning, etc. Honestly, so few people who don’t work as merchandisers know the job even exists, but I promise that a bunch of the displays at your local stores are not put there or stocked by store employees. It’s part-time, I work independently and for the most part don’t have to interact with a ton of people (which is really helpful for my anxiety). So, all in all, not a bad job for me, especially while I try to figure out what’s next.--

---Anyway, I didn’t stop working at all during the pandemic, which was good for our finances but again, hard on my mental health. (This is kind of whiny but it was incredibly wearing that I was an essential worker, but I watched other essential workers get raises and hazard pay and an outflow of support, and because people don’t know merchandisers are a thing, no one really thought to thank or support us, or give us more money.) I actually took on several more stores during April and May to cover for coworkers. I really am grateful to have had a job but let me tell you, being out there in the pool of stress exuding from everyone’s pores every day for hours at a time really wound my brain up. 

However! Despite the mental health struggle that, let’s be honest, is impossible to avoid with my pre-existing conditions and the state of the world, things are looking up! Between unemployment benefits, the stimulus, my fiance’s severance, and his return to work and subsequent promotion and raise (SO PROUD OF HIM!), we are financially more steady now than... we ever have been. We’re slowly getting his dental work taken care of, which we’ve been trying to do for nearly four years. We’re never worried about rent, we have money saved, and OH OH OH, I am now 82% paid on my debt!!! I racked up credit card debt several years ago when we were very broke (buying groceries and necessities no less) and have been paying it for 3 years now, and I’ve actually made real progress! I have a “good” credit score! That feels amazing! My fiance even accidentally dropped and shattered his phone, and we were able to order a new (still relatively inexpensive) one that night, without having to sacrifice grocery money or anything which was awesome (especialyl because he needs his phone for work).

Additionally, I recently ask my job if I could cut back on hours because I was getting so burnt out and I needed to do this for my mental health. Between my fiance and I, I’m the driver so I have to make time for errands, and because he works full time (and a decent bit of overtime), I try to handle as much of the household chores as I can. But that altogether with work and making sure we can both get to needed appointments and stuff is A LOT to handle. And because he’s making good money now, I can actually take this step back from work, cut back on my hours, and we’re not super hurting for money because of it. We’ve never had a time together when we haven’t been calculating our hours day by day, trying to get more work time at any opportunity, scraping for every cent we earned. This is so amazing and different. 

So I’ve cut back on my hours for the sake of my mental health. I’ve downloaded a mood-tracking app to try to get more insight into my patterns, moods and behaviors. I’ve made time for relaxation - long hot baths are my thing. I’m almost debt-free which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I just... want to be able to get out of bed most mornings without having a mental breakdown, that’s the first goal. It’s a struggle, but it’s a goal!

I’m also trying to make time to decide what to do with my life. I completed 2 years of college but never finished. I’ve only ever worked kind of crappy entry-level jobs. I really struggle with customer interaction (super wearing on me, makes me miserable) and I’d love to find a career where that’s limited, but I’m not sure if that means I’ll need to go back to school. My parents are also pushing me to make sure I seek a career in a field that pays well and is growing, which is logical, but has already made them discourage me out of the idea of being a paralegal, which I was really interested in... I’d like to go back to school but I really need a path before I make that decision. None of my passions (make-up, music, or being a paralegal apparently) are really things I could make a financially lucrative career out of, unless I had the dedication and talent of much healthier person, mentally. I’d like to be a forensic analyst maybe, but my parents are trying to talk me out of that one too. My dad has always wanted me to be an architect but I am not adept with math and I don’t want to design boring office buildings. In the meantime, it’s really hard to find a job that I get into without a degree, that allows me that minimal interaction with people and actually pays decently well. So I’m struggling but now I have time to actually think about it and figure it out, which is awesome. 

LASTLY, I promise ---- I have nothing but support in my heart for the BLM movement, and I have been horrified by the actions of local and national police forces, and deeply proud of some of my peers who have been going to protests daily, helping speak out against the horrors being committed upon the colored communities in our country. I have not had the ability to participate in any protests, but I can’t explain the deep emotional grief that I feel over the unjust deaths, the tear gas and rubber bullets, the plowing down of innocent people. Videos of brutality make me ache with despair but I share them because I’m so fearful that if the wrong people come out on top in this situation, these videos and records of what was done to the American people will be destroyed. Though I am lucky to be surrounded by peers who share my feelings, these events have definitely strained my already tenuous relationship with my very conservative parents, and feeling so alienated from them has brought up a lot of childhood pain. However, as a very sheltered white female, I understand that my grief and despair cannot compare to the grief of black, brown, and other non-white communities during this time. 

In conclusion, 2020 has been a real shit year so far but I’m standing here fighting back with every fiber of my being to make life better for me and my fiance, to get on top of my mental health, and to figure out what I’m doing with my life now!

[odaatlover]

Oddly enough, I’m also a band teacher and I am not out to anyone but a few close friends. I teach in my home town which is very, VERY conservative...how have you “dealt” with any negative parents, fellow teachers, administrators, etc in the field? And if so, how have you dealt with them? Thanks!

Wow this got really long 😬 

Well, I’m a freelance percussion instructor, which means I’m hired by the band programs and not by the county. At my previous school I spent the entire first year building up the relationship with my students before coming out to them (Also, I was single at the time). Then the following year, that band director retired and one of my friends from college (who is a gay man) got the position. Also, I met my now wife. I knew he wouldn’t have a problem with it, and I knew he wouldn’t fire me or anything, because that wouldn’t make sense lol. So it was just a matter of the students being okay with it. And they were very supportive the first time I brought her to a game! As for parents, they didn’t really know unless the kids told them. It’s not like I was parading her around like, “Look everyone! This is my girlfriend!” We weren’t holding hands or anything, or showing any affection, so nobody really knew unless they asked, or unless the word got to them. In which case, that wasn’t a big deal because, again, it’s not like we were shoving it in anyone’s faces you know?

Then the next year, I got a lot of new students in my section, some of whom were LGBTQ. In fact, 7 students on the drumline were LGBTQ, including the drum captain - who was a gay male. All of those kids, even the non-LGBTQ ones, were obsessed with us lol. They were really supportive of our relationship. And when we got engaged, they were like “OMG WE BETTER GET INVITED TO THE WEDDING!” A lot of the parents were supportive too! So, I was lucky enough to never have any problems with it at that school.

Last year I got a new job in a different cluster, where I now work for one high school and two middle schools all in the same cluster (the two middle schools feed into the high school, so I teach all of the percussionists from 6th-12th grade). Again, I’m hired by the band programs, so I only have to worry about the directors, parents, and students having issues with it. And out of the 5 band directors, the 3 men are all gay (2 are married and have husbands), and the 2 women are just very open minded because fine arts people are typically open minded people. So I don’t have any issues there! As for the students, The high school kids know and they’re all super cool with it, but I haven’t come out to the middle schoolers yet. And with the parents, I haven’t talked to that many parents so I don’t even know if any of them know. But it’s kind of like, if a kid’s parents aren’t supportive that kid isn’t really going to want to tell their parents you know? Because the kids are all supportive.

As for how I come out, I always build a connection with my students first. I make sure they know me as a person and a teacher before knowing anything about my personal life. I have a pretty chill personality and I strongly believe in talking to my students like fellow people as opposed to trying to come off as someone that holds power over them, so I often don’t have trouble building trust and respect right away. That’s usually when the kids will start to ask me about my personal life, because they feel comfortable enough to do so, and usually they ask if I’m in a relationship or married, and I’ll say I’m married. And then they usually say something about my husband, and that’s when I’ll casually correct them. I never make a big deal about it, and I never bring it up first. I think that’s very important, because then it shows that it’s not really any different from straight teachers who bring up their spouses you know? The only reason I’m not out to the middle schoolers is because nobody has asked me yet. But if anyone does ask me, I’ll be honest with them. I won’t give this huge speech or anything, but I’ll just casually say “Yeah I have a wife.” And leave it at that. 

I’m EXTREMELY lucky that I’ve never had any negative reactions. I teach in Georgia in a suburban area about 30 minutes outside of Atlanta, so there is a lot of diversity there and the majority of people in my area are very open minded. I know there are some people who don’t agree with it, but nobody has ever complained about it. I think the fact that I don’t make a big deal about it or bring it up without someone else bringing it up first is what really helps. And the thing that makes the biggest difference is that I let them get to know me as a teacher and as a person first. Because then it’s more like, oh this is my teacher ‘so and so’ that I really trust and really like and she just so happens to be gay. It makes it so that me being gay is just one part of me that has nothing to do with my teaching abilities or changes who I am, as opposed to “Oh this is a gay person. And they’re going to teach me,” which I feel like would happen if I came out before establishing that relationship. ...hope that makes sense haha.

Sorry this was incredibly long 😂 But I hope you found it helpful!

[vi-is-for-gay]

My coming out story

When I figured out I wasn't exactly what I was biologically assigned

Hi everyone!

This is meant more of a stream of consciousness online journal to help me think about my life.

I am Asian, Vietnamese. I was born in Los Angeles, CA and moved to Atlanta, GA, when I was 5 or 6 years old. I consider myself growing up in the deep south with conservatives and a strong Christian Baptist society.

I am AMAB and sometime in October I came out to myself that I am transgender. I seriously debated with myself that because I was able to have romantic relationships with women and I was then having a 'cis' relationship. It felt wrong and it felt guilty.

I wasn't sure what to make of my feelings:

I was a guy

I liked girls

But I also liked dresses and envied how girls could be so soft, had their ability to have a supportive social network, warm personalities, and a feeling of belonging, mostly

About 3 years ago, I confessed to a friend who came out gay to me that I had crossdressed when I was younger and that I always wondered what my life would be like if I was born a woman. I had these thoughts all my life that it was a bunch of 'what ifs' but I came to terms with my body and what I was. I guess that's why I've always been overweight; I never liked it and I didn't really desire the male idea of perfection of a 6 packs and toned muscles.

The feeling of being out of place started young. I was just a small child when I told myself I couldn't like yellow because it was a girl's color so I chose blue because it was neutral. I don't remember how old I was or when it was, but it was young and most likely under 10. I regret that choice. Today I embrace yellow.

In elementary school, I was placed into a group with 3 girls and one of them accidentally called me 'she/her' and then corrected herself. I remember feeling disappointed that she corrected herself.

I had a phase when there was lotion provided and I ran up with some other girls to get some. This was around in 4th grade. The music teacher said boys don't get lotion and I remember violently rubbing it on my jeans to fit in and feeling strongly ashamed.

During puberty I felt something wrong was happening. I saw the girls around me start growing breasts and they would compare cup sizes. Their friendships grew stronger. My relative male relationships fell apart and I felt that I got the short end of the stick. I felt that I was always missing out by being a guy because I didn't like what they had to offer.

When I was young, roughly middle school age, I went through a /phase/ where I tried to be emo/scene. It was that they had long hair, skinny jeans, and that appealed to me because men were acceptable in that scene. During the same time I would time these crossdressing episodes when the parents would be out of the house and it was just my brother and I at home. I'd set him up at the computer playing the RPG classic 'Sacred' and I'd rummage in my mom's closet trying a bunch of stuff on: dresses, skirts, panties, panty hose, blouses, etc. I took a strong liking to panty hose but my dad found out and said I'm not supposed to wear that. That whole phase stopped soon after because I didn't want to get caught again.

During that stint I tried to grow out my hair and I got a straightening iron. Issue was that I didn't know how to take care of long hair and Asian hair is naturally straight. I didn't have access to internet so I could not rationalize my feelings and find that there was a community that existed. My mom convinced me to cut off my hair because I didn't know how to maintain it and she said boys should have short hair, so I chose to fit in and repress how I felt for the greater good.

During my high school years we got internet access and I began to get educated on the world and it's sexuality. I was constantly looking up the concept of Male to Female Transsexual, reading stories of transition, pre op and post op, and I vividly remember one of them mentioning dialiation and it accidently feeling good, like what downstairs could feel like. I took several quizzes but they all pointed to me being male brained with some female aspect. I feel that it came from repressing and the constant 'I need to fit in' mentality from my culture. It was difficult being first born Vietnamese American.

I became a much better person in university when I found people who I related to strongly. I created a social network of mostly women with some standing on the LGBTQ spectrum. I considered myself a strong ally and I supported them. I always thought of myself as the token guy in the group.

It finally clicked one day last year that I envied women because I wanted to be like one, so stage one was this definition called:

Male lesiban.

Yeah it was sort of weird.

After doing more research and talking to close friends I trusted, I realized that I was a woman inside and that I liked women. The amount of visibility for Trans-Lesibans extremely helped my process of coming out to myself and coming to terms with my now, much more confusing (but also much more warm and soft) future. Tumblr incredibly helped because I was instantly thrown into a pro LGBTQ world. I was always afraid of Tumblr and maybe it was that I was afraid of coming out to myself because I just knew.

There was so much of my life that just 'clicked' the instant I called myself a woman. All those events in my childhood made sense. Why I strongly resented strong displays of masculinity was because I didn't want that for myself.

I was attracted to long hair in women.

I was attracted to soft women in body and personality.

I was attracted to social groups and a sense of belonging.

All of a sudden it was that

I wanted long hair

I wanted to be soft in body and personality

I wanted to have a close knit social group that society generally encourages.

And all of a sudden I was immediately thrown into the LGBTQ community as a violently strong member and from supporting their fights and issues, it became my personal fight too.

I came out to that friend who came out to me first. She gave me her support and love.

I came out to my close social group. They all gave their support and love.

I came out to my girlfriend. She gave me her support and love. Importantly, she said something that makes me warm every time:

I don't really care about your flesh prison and whatever you're really doing to it. I think right now you're just redecorating. I love the operating system underneath, I love the brain that controls the flesh prison, I love the spirit that inhabits this body. I love you (y o u) you. You're still cute and I love you.

After coming out to my group, I spent roughly 200 dollars on women's clothing. I bought a gaff, panties, sports bra, actual bra, camis, leggings, jeans, khakis, socks, a cute cardigan, and breast forms both adhesive and non.

I bought makeup: foundation, loose powder, eyeliner on pencil and liquid, lip stain, lip balm, lip stick, facial cleaner and day/night moisturizer, eyebrow pencil and tweezers.

The moment I put a cami on and looked in the mirror, I felt 'right'. I had a strong bubbly warm feeling in the mirror. It was literally euphoric and the feeling I've read about before in many MTF blogs and stories.

I took the cami off like women would by holding opposite sides of the shirt and pulling it over my head. The same feeling came back

I put on breast forms and had boobs. The same feeling came back.

I went out in androgynous style with skinny jeans, tucked in t shirt, boots, and a flannel to complete a lesiban look. Same feeling.

I'm so confused, but happy. I feel like soup. I don't know what I'm made of or what's inside. I just know that right now I'm warm and happy.

But I'm struggling. Now I have to consider my future.

Do I come out to my Asian conservative parents?

Do I come out to my girlfriend's parents who think being gay is a //lifestyle// and are heavily Christian?

Do I consider HRT? Do I consider surgery?

I don't know. I don't really know.

I have some pipe dream of being able to pass as a woman in public. It went from passing online to passing at home to passing in public. I don't know.

Everything has changed so quickly and I'm afraid of what might come next.

I'm lucky that right now I'm financially supported. I'm about to graduate with an engineering degree with prospects for graduate school. I'm lucky that what I wanted to do is worth a lot of money. I don't know socially what's going to happen to me.

[michaelnduarte-blog]

Picking the Right Child Care For Your Baby

Picking the correct consideration for your infant is a standout amongst the most essential choices you will make as a parent. It is an overwhelming and frequently grievous procedure and it is furnished with data before you set out to discover somebody that you feel adequate about that you would confide in them with your most prized ownership - your child. There are upsides and downsides to all Child Care Center Stafford courses of action and, such as everything throughout everyday life, none are without defects. The perfect guardian for your infant will dependably be you yet we experience a daily reality such that numerous families require two salaries just to bring home the bacon which makes it important to discover outside consideration for our kids.

This article will look at the four most normal youngster care decisions - non-authorized relative or companion; sitter/babysitter; family kid care; and focus based kid care - as far as the advantage to your kid, cost, adaptability, and security. By and large, the following best thing to a parent as a guardian is a nearby relative or companion. This is somebody who has decision-making ability, is dependable, supporting, and comprehends newborn children. On the off chance that you are sufficiently lucky to have somebody like this in your life who is putting forth to think about your infant, this will probably be your best decision. Your infant will flourish under the individual consideration of a sustaining individual who shares a profound, familial bond with them. Constraining your infant's presentation to other youthful youngsters in the main year can likewise eliminate diseases and contaminations. A family parental figure is commonly the most conservative decision too since numerous relatives will offer their administrations either for nothing or for an ostensible charge. The potential traps to this youngster care course of action are normally adaptability and distinction of feeling. There will be times that this guardian is wiped out, has an arrangement, is on furlough, or is simply commonly inaccessible. On the off chance that it is possible that you or your life partner has adaptable employment and an understanding manager, this may not be an issue.

If not, you should think about what to improve the situation back-up consideration in those circumstances. The other sticky region in this game plan can come in when you and your relative have contrasting rationalities in youngster raising. It is imperative that you, your life partner, and your kid's parental figure have a discussion about what is most essential to you and your life partner with regards to kid raising. Security is, for the most part, not an issue with regards to this youngster care course of action insofar as the parental figure comprehends your limits with regards to guests. On the off chance that you need your tyke to have individualized consideration in your home however don't have a relative or dear companion who can give care, a private caretaker or sitter is another choice. In the initial 12 two years particularly, youngsters profit by individualized consideration from a supporting individual who is learned about baby improvement.

With a caretaker, your tyke will almost certainly bond with one reliable guardian and be brought up in the solace of his/her very own home. This can be a costly choice be that as it may, in the event that you have more than one youngster, it is generally more practical than focus based Stafford Day Care. You will likewise need to factor in expenses for local representatives. With a caretaker, you won't have to stress over inclusion when your youngster is wiped out or leaving work for arrangements. Be that as it may, you should have a back-up plan for times when your babysitter is wiped out or needs a break similarly as you would with a relative. Conceivably the most entangled zone with a babysitter is security. Make certain to completely check the certifications and foundation of the individual you are thinking about as a guardian to your tyke. On the off chance that you utilize an organization or on the off chance that you do it all alone, make certain to check the person's experience on three dimensions in each state where they have dwelled - criminal movement, sex wrongdoer vault, tyke misuse or disregard history. You will need to define limits at the beginning about guests and excursions with your tyke so as to have some command over the general population your kid will invest energy with an interface with normally.

An authorized family kid care supplier is another alternative that furnishes your tyke with a genuinely little gathering setting. These suppliers are authorized by the state to give care too little gatherings of kids in their homes. Most states manage and screen the consistency of family youngster care suppliers. Your tyke can profit by the little gathering setting and the home condition given in this course of action. Numerous youthful kids are overpowered in the bigger gathering setting that middle based consideration gives (often10 or more babies in a single classroom) and feel increasingly good in a little setting with just a couple of other kids. Authorized family tyke care is commonly a moderate alternative and numerous suppliers offer hourly rates. It is vital to recall that authorized family kid care suppliers do require days off also and you have to get ready for the occasions when the supplier won't be accessible. Make sure to get a rundown of planned shutting days before you select and inquire as to whether the supplier has back-up consideration for unanticipated conditions.

Another significant thought for this sort of consideration is finding out about the other individuals will's identity engaged with the home once a day including the supplier's relatives and his/her strategy in regards to cooperation with the kids who are selected for consideration. This is something you will need to consider intently while picking an authorized family youngster care supplier. Authorized focus based youngster care is another option. Kids can profit by the life span of this course of action the same number of youngsters enlist as newborn children and remain in an inside until they can enter the government-funded schools. Kid care focuses are authorized and controlled by state so you will need to inquire about the permitting expert for your state and discover what the necessities are for staff to youngster proportions, educator capabilities, and individual verifications for business. Staff to tyke proportions differ incredibly from state-to-state and can run the extent from 1 parental figure to 3 newborn children to 1 guardian to 6 babies. Focuses that are licensed by the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) hold fast to littler proportions and higher quality gauges. You can discover certify focuses in your general vicinity by visiting the NAEYC site.

Kid care focuses contrast in expense and it is imperative to discover what is incorporated into the week after week educational cost, for example, suppers, bites, and advancement exercises. Be careful about the more expensive rates at the corporate chain focuses as the additional charge is typically connected with higher overhead expenses and not higher quality. Most kid care focuses offer week by week rates dependent on the number of days that your tyke will visit - some offer half-day programs while others offer just entire day programs. Adaptability in this kind of kid care game plan is normally dependent upon enlistment - when enlistment is low, the supplier will presumably flex or swap days yet when enlistment is high this won't probably be the situation - as proportions must be kept up. It is vital to request a rundown of shutting days when you visit the inside to check whether their calendar works for your family.

When you visit the inside you should observe the passageways to the office and how they are verified. Is it accurate to say that you were ready to walk directly in or did you need to ring a chime to stand out enough to be noticed? Ensure that they play areas are fenced in and gated. The entryways ought not to be bolted (this is a flame danger) yet ought to be verified so nobody can without much of a stretch jump on or off the play area. It will require some investment and research so as to locate the correct childcare course of action for your youngster and family. Numerous families join two of these choices to concoct one that works. Locate the best fit for your infant now and recall that your childcare needs will probably change as your tyke develops.

Kim Shulman has an MSW from Boston University and more than 15 years of experience working with kids and families. In 2019, Kim appeared her first item, No Slip Charlie, bringing significant serenity to unseasoned parents everywhere throughout the United States. You can peruse Kim's other baby care articles and investigate the No Slip Charlie by visiting Kiddie Academy of Stafford.

[laugh-of-the-medusa]

i found this draft for a helsa fic I’ll never write

I don’t think anyone remembers this but before my blog became really gay, I used to write Helsa fanfics/headcanons. I was going through my notes and found this draft:

“Are you ever getting married?”

Hans hates the fucking question. Just because I have twelve older brothers who are all married and have kids doesn’t mean I have to get married too.

Everyone in his family likes nagging him about (and it’s a big ass family, mind you). But, no. No way he’s giving up his wonderful life of no-strings-attached sex, the sleep-with-anyone-I-want-who-wants-to-sleep-with-me-too (consent is important, kids) arrangement. He’s the “King of One Night Stands” (no, really, that’s what the media calls him).

Of course, his parents (bless their conservative hearts) are scandalized. It’s a perfect family, with their perfect sons, and their pristine images, and their youngest kid, for whatever, godawful reason is the media’s favorite little shit to gossip about—Who’s in the king’s bed tonight?!! (Yes, that’s an actual headline.)

Something (that was obviously) drastically wrong must have occurred because, really— right now, there's only one woman in his bed, and that’s Elsa.

His parents, his brothers and their wives—even their fucking kids—absolutely love Elsa. His parents love her because she’s a renowned corporate lawyer, big name and highly demanded. She’s a hard worker, very respectable, has a great reputation, very serious. “The Ice Queen,” some like to call her. She waves a hand and hell freezes over. But she’s also really nice? Works on-site with charities and do all the sort of nice things Hans only does when he’s forced to or he has to kiss ass so people will think he’s not a complete dick.

His brothers love Elsa because the very idea of someone finally able to tame his (occasionally drunken) debaucheries is nothing short of a miracle (also remember that part where they just want him to get married?)

His brothers' wives love Elsa because— let's be honest, Elsa's probably most likable person Hans has ever met. Disliking her is like hating all that is good in life. Also, Hans would like to point out, she likes doting on his nieces and nephews. That definitely doesn’t hurt her relationship with his brothers and their families.

Everybody loves Elsa. (Including Hans, mind you. He’s a bastard and an ass and he’s lucky as fuck. And he knows it.) To reiterate: Elsa is commanding and she can be terrifying, but she’s also incredibly compassionate and sweet. She doesn’t take his shit at all and Hans likes the challenge. And, contrary to what most people believe about her being prim and proper, Elsa has a wild side— really, well, kinky streak. Like, holy actual fuck.

And let me tell you, again, that Hans knows he's lucky— he doesn't even know where to begin. He’s probably in love? That’s a thing that’s happening. Of course, at this point, Elsa is probably more likely to murder him than to say yes to a marriage proposal. Or maybe that’s his insecurities talking, but you never know, right?

Elsa hates his guts. They’re always fighting? Lots of arguments that end up in really angry sex. He likes teasing her, she likes sassing him. He’s a dickhead who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of taking things seriously and she’s... whatever the opposite of that is. Honestly, probably not the most healthy relationship out there? But they work. Oddly enough, they work. If he hadn’t already sold his soul he’d sell it again just to make her happy. But she wouldn’t ask him to because she’s Elsa, and that’s how she is. And that’s pretty much their relationship. That’s love, Hans thinks. Love is not letting your boyfriend sell his soul even though you’re on your last nerve and could rip his soul out to give it to Satan for free.

But Elsa probably won’t marry him? He hasn’t asked, but... like... Maybe their current situation works for her just fine? Yes, they’re dating. Yes, they’re in an exclusive relationship (until further notice. Note: that this is, lo and behold, Elsa’s addendum, and not his). Maybe Hans isn’t supposed to ask for more. Maybe this is his punishment? After years of spurning commitments, he’s stuck wanting to marry the one girl who probably won’t say yes. Does it even matter? Marriage is a social construct anyway.

Hans likes to blame his uncertainties on the circumstances of how they met. (Not that he isn’t grateful for those circumstances.)

Hans met Elsa through Anna.

(Oh shit, he met her through another girl? Well, you already know this isn’t going to be all puppies and flowers and rainbows or whatever the fuck is just nice and innocent and pure.)

Anna was a colleague of his and her current boyfriend, Kristoff, was his college buddy. Hans was happy for them when they started dating (they’re disgustingly cute but he can live with that).

But, okay. Here’s the thing (of course there’s a thing, what did you expect?): Before the whole “Kristanna” thing, there was a “Hanna” thing. Okay, so that wasn’t an actual thing. But it was a sort of, kind of thing. There was a party. There were some drinks involved (not too much though but, like, enough. Remember kids: Consent is important). As we’ve already established, Hans likes to sleep around. So, what happened? Answer: He and Anna fucked. Congratulations you don’t get prize for stating the obvious.

Hans made it clear that he wasn't up for relationships, and Anna said she was okay with that. Okay, cool. So, they fucked. It was great. Everyone was more than sufficiently satisfied. And even though it was no secret that she liked him, nothing changed after they parted ways. No awkwardness, nada. Thank the gods.

What Hans never counted on, of course, was Anna's hellfire of a sister. Anna was a one-night stand, and Hans didn't expect one-night stands to have sisters threatening to nail his balls to the wall because "why the fuck did you have sex with my sister when you knew she liked you!?” Well, Hans wanted to say, because it seemed like a great idea (it sort of was? the sex definitely wasn’t bad) and she said yes and he doesn’t like to disappoint and— no. Hans actually didn’t say anything because she was very, very angry and he was really, really, really scared for his balls.

His life was never quiet after that.

Elsa went from practically non-existent to being everywhere in his life. It was like she made it her personal mission to get in his way and irritate the fuck outta him (okay, so maybe she was also really hot and all the fuck in him wanted her). Look, he didn't even know Anna had a sister, or that said sister worked in the firm a floor above their office! Small fucking world, can you believe it? Shit happened. Well, technically, a lot of shit happened. But whatever. The next thing he knows they’re in an empty meeting room like two horny high school kids. He's kissing her and undressing her, and then she’s stopping him, and then she’s pushing him against the wall and blahblahblah and then she’s telling him—

"Hans, this isn't going to be some one-night stand shit, let's make one thing clear— you're mine."

“Mine” echoes in his head to the tune of his heartbeat. Really fucking fast and really fucking loud. The possessiveness was fucking thrilling. And he’s swooning— what the actual— no, you don’t understand— he’s really weak in the knees and he wants to slide down but Elsa has a firm grip on him so he’s standing and

Hans is panting and distracted, and her tongue— and that, was that smirk? and fuck— people shouldn’t be allowed to look that commanding when they’re kneeling in front of you. But Elsa looks like she can command an entire kingdom from that position anyway.

When he responds, he tries to sound cocky. Maybe regain whatever dignity he had left but, really, what the fuck does dignity even mean when you’re seeing literal stars because someone’s finger is doing wonders up your ass?

"Are you” then he chokes on his words “asking me” her tongue does something wonderful to the head of his dick “to be your boyfriend, Isengard?" At this point he’s just panting.

"I am," Elsa says it with a certainty that made Hans bite his tongue mid-moan. “And you’re going to say yes.”

(Well, how the fuck was he going to say no that?)

The thing about Hans is that he likes being in control. He fucks girls on his own terms, he has his fun, she has one of the most mind-blowing sexperience in her lifetime, then they both move on like. He’s the king of one-night stands. He’s supposed to always stay in control and be emotionally distant.

Except, it turns out, the kings bow to queens. And Elsa was pretty damned good at making him do so. (And holy fuck did that feel good.)

The rest is history.

So, now: Yes, they’re dating. Yes, they’re in an until-further-notice exclusive relationship. Yes, he’s reduced to a horny teenager in her hands and he’s really fucking in love. Yes, marriage is a social construct but he wants to marry her anyway because he likes her that much. And, yes if she says no, Hans might actually swear off sex for good because after Elsa, well, who can top that? (The answer to that, by the way, is no one. No one can top that. He sure can’t, at least.)

An epilogue, of sorts: It turns out, Hans didn’t have a lot to worry about because he and Elsa ended up proposing to each other at the same time. Finally, Hans is married and the entire Westergaard clan is so happy they’re all practically puking rainbows and sparkles. Of course, his parents would probably have an aneurysm if they learned the whole marriage thing isn’t actually as monogamous (or even heterosexual for that matter) as most traditional marriages tend to be. But, hey. What they don’t know won’t send them to their early graves, right? Hans is perfectly content and happy with the arrangement. Who knew marriages could be so fun, right?

[sophygurl]

Thoughts for National Coming Out Day in this year of our lord twentyGAYteen:

1. When I was a teenager, I knew I was straight. In my 20′s, I knew I was bi. In my 30′s, I knew I was pan. I’m in my 40′s now and it’s gotten complex.

I’m non-mono romantically and sexually attracted, as in I have attraction to multiple genders. 

But I’m also suspecting more and more that I fall on the ace spectrum along the lines of akoisexual. I experience attraction, I like the idea of dating and relationships, but I don’t like the feeling of being attracted to, and the reality of dating or sex or being in a relationship feels yucky to me. Some of this might be due to PTSD stuff and/or other medical reasons. But it also might just be who I am. It could be a combo of both. Whatever the case, I’m cool being single.

I’m also poly, and I know not everyone thinks polyamory belongs under the queer/lgbtetc. umbrella, but for me it most definitely fits as part of my overall orientation and identity. When I was dating, I did mono or poly relating equally, but FELT poly whichever I was doing. And as a singleton now, I still FEEL poly. It’s important to me. And my platonic life partners still feel like a poly community to me. We have each other in ways that significant others do but just minus the sex and romance. 

I’m also genderqueer, and I’ve thought a lot about what that means to me individually. I don’t consider myself trans or non-binary. There’s a lot of complicated and personal reasons why that is the case for me, but it ends up sounding like gatekeeping because other people might share similarities to my situation but do consider themselves trans and/or enby, so we’ll just leave it as - it’s just how I personally do and don’t identify. I feel that I have a multiplicity of gender, including feminine and masculine both. But I am also very comfortable with my assigned bio sex as female. It’s my gender that’s queer - not my sex. For some people it’s the other way around, or both. 

All of this is long-winded and complex, and so much easier summed up as queer, so mostly I just go with queer. Also because apparently queer is having to be re-reclaimed these days which pisses me off so I’m just gonna use the word queer as often as possible. Queer. Queer. Queer! 

2. I’m out, open, proud, and loud about my identities. This is mostly because I’m just an obnoxious self-discloser in general and will tell anyone anything about myself at the slightest provocation. 

BUT Also, I do think it is very important for the people who can and want to be out to do so. Someone has to answer questions and challenge norms and be an example to young folk and make all this shit visible and normalized. And since I have no qualms about being out, I am happy to do these things for the folks who can’t or just choose not to. Because that shit is valid as hell, too. 

There are so many many reasons why someone might not feel safe to come out, or ready to come out, or not want to come out fully, or might just want to come out to some people and not others, or might want to come out about some aspects of their identities and not others, or might want to be fully out but not be bugged or questioned about it beyond stating what is true about themselves, etc. All of that is valid. 

But I’m here and openly queer and ready to talk about it. So feel free to ask me about my queerness. (This goes for other shit in my life, too. For example, I will answer questions about my chronic illnesses or my mental illnesses or about living on disability benefits or about being an abuse survivor or about my favorite books or my cats or whatever the fuck.) 

Leave the people who want their privacy alone. But I’m someone you can come at, as long as you’re polite and respectful about it. 

3. My coming out stories are kinda weird. Because my life has been kinda weird. So like, my dad came out to me when I was around 10 and my parents were splitting up. It came out along with a whole bunch of other stuff about the dysfunctional aspects of my parent’s marriage and some wrong things my dad did which is maybe the one thing I won’t talk publicly about yet because it’s not really my story to tell but I do talk about it privately. But so anyway. Yea.

My parents split up, my dad came out as gay and left the ministry as a result, and he moved out of town. This was in the mid-80′s in a conservative area of the midwest, so it was not a thing that was talked about publicly. I did not tell any of my friends for years. One friend found out by snooping through my things and then told me. Another friend and I got talking because he had a gay older brother and we were safe people to talk to about this thing (it later turned out we were both queer too but I sure didn’t know back then and I think he was probably in early figuring it out stages himself at the time). 

I didn’t tell anyone else until I got to college. Not even my bestest friend knew. So first things first - I had to come out about my dad being gay.

I didn’t personally have an issue with my dad’s gayness. I just knew other people were likely to, and I was being actively bullied by half the student body already and if this secret came out it would just have given them more fodder, so I kept it in. Turns out, some of my friends had figured it out anyway and were fine with it. And all of my friends were great about it once they were told. 

But not only was my dad gay, but my parents were very liberal and we had family friends who were gay, and my parents talked openly with me about trans people and intersex people and many other things so it was not an issue for me. I used to sometimes wonder if I might be gay and then go, nope, I like boys too much! lol

So then I got to college. And met and befriended people who were bisexual or at least bi-curious and it got me thinking... and one day while out thinking I caught myself watching a woman’s butt wiggling as she walked in front of me, and I realized that I enjoyed watching such things a lot, and the lightbulb clicked on like ooohhhhhhh I’m bisexual! 

My friends who were fine about my dad being gay were equally fine about my bisexuality. I mean, listen, some of them were conservative Christians who believed I was probably going to end up in hell some day - but they probably thought that about me before this realization for other reasons anyway - and they still loved and accepted me as a person, which is what mattered to me. I was a little worried to tell my dad because I knew not all gay people accepted bi people, but he was fine about it. 

The funny part was my mom. When I went off to college, my mom started doing as much self-exploration as I was doing. So we kept coming to the same realizations around the same time. Bisexuality, polyamory, Unitarian Universalism, etc. It was like - I discovered this new thing about myself ... oh yea, me too! lol

I’ve never had a negative coming out experience with anyone I actually care about. I’ve had strangers or casual acquaintances on the internet react badly, but that shit doesn’t bother me. 

I know I am incredibly lucky - both in how easy it’s been for me to figure out and accept my own identities, and in how easy it’s been for the people in my life to accept them and me. I remember I told my bestest friend about my bisexuality when I had just broken up with my first partner - a guy - and was heart broken and going to come live with her for a little bit until I got my life sorted back out a bit. I wanted her to know, in case I started to date a woman. But I also didn’t want her to worry about the whole living in the same space thing, so I assured her I wasn’t attracted to her in that way. She very comically asked me why, wasn’t she attractive enough, and acted offended, which was just the perfect reaction and I will love her forever for that. 

Not only have I never had a bad coming out experience, but I know that my coming out has directly helped others to come to terms with their identities, and has helped to educate open minded but unaware allies about lots of things. So I am very fortunate. 

And this is a huge part of why I can so easily and comfortably be out and proud. Not everyone gets to have the experiences that I’ve had. So if there is anything I can do to pay this shit forward and be there for other queer folk, I’m gonna always do it. 

I’m here and I’m safe to come out to. I will hold your secret as confidential. I will help you open up about it if that’s your desire. I will support you as you question and figure shit out. I will help you find resources. I will believe you. I will accept you. I will help raise your voice. I will be your voice if you can’t speak up for yourself. I will fight off your bullies. I will field your ridiculous questions. I will listen. I will hear you. I will tell you that you are not alone. 

[magic5ball]

Jurassic Park 4: Doki Idol Live Festival!

The two velociraptors stood outside a pastel colored town house in Hokkaido prefecture, Japan. If any passerbys thought that was weird, they certainly didn’t show it. Probably because the raptors were wearing fedoras and fake mustaches, so they looked like humans. Also they had guns. Very cool, very intimidating mobster guns. A tommy gun and a sawed-off shotgun, respectively.

You needed guns, to survive Shinzo Abe’s little empire of vice and socialized medical care.

“So this is the place, huh?” muttered the velociraptor carrying the sawed-off shotgun. His thick Brooklyn accent hung in the air like concrete. “Kinda… frillier than I was expecting.”

“It better be.” Replied his companion, who sounded like your racist conservative uncle trying to impersonate that one cool guy from ‘The Godfather’ (You know, the one with the mustache who was played by Robert de Niro). “We hadda kill a whole lotta people to get this hellhole.”

Sawed-off shotgun licked his non-existent lizard lips

“But hey. That airplane stewardess tasted mighty fine goin-“

“Oh, for f*ck’s sake, would ya stop thinkin’ with your stomach and help me with this f*ckin’ knob!” cried tommy gun, trying to work the doorknob best he could with his raptor claws, which, in all honesty, wasn’t much, because raptor claws are terrible at operating things meant for human fingers. Little did he know, the door was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push.

At least he didn’t have to wait long before someone unlocked the door from the other side: another velociraptor, this one a bit on the short side. And p!ssed. Very, very p!ssed. You could tell he was the cool one because he wore an eyepatch over one eye. An eyepatch with a Captain Underpants logo on it.

“Didn’t your parent’s ever teach you idiots about using the doorbell?! I was just about to enjoy lunch with my beautiful wife and you-!“

He paused, recognizing the two figures facing him.

“Well, well, well” Said tommy gun, cocking his weapon “If it isn’t SWEET JOHN HAMMOND’S BALLSACK WHAT THE F*CK AM I LOOKING AT?!”

For the cool raptor was dressed in a gothic Lolita maid outfit, complete with a bonnet and penny loafers. Under his arm he carried a human sized pillow depicting what appeared to be a blonde floozy with massive tits.

“Oh this? This is Mami Tomoe, my beautiful wife.”

“WHAT THE F*CK!?!?” Tommy gun pulled out a flask off orange Fanta from his butthole and drank the whole thing in one go. He did NOT have time for this homosexual weeaboo nonsense! Still, he and shotgun hadn’t left a mountain of corpses the exact height and width as Mt. Fuji behind them. Too many to go back to Isla Nublar empty handed. Er, clawed. Because they were dinosaurs. Who have claws.

Shotgun took a deep breath. “What the Boss means to say is, ‘May we take refuge in this fine establishment?’”

Cool raptor opened his mouth to reveal a pistol he’d hidden there. And by hidden I mean replaced his tongue with it.

“You know, for all crap you guys used to give me in the past, I oughta pump you full of lead right here and now. Buuutttt… the lady of the house is present, and I’m not in the mood to create more work on her end. So come on in! You’re just in time for lunch.”

Lest they attract unneeded attention, the three dinosaurs hopped inside.

.   .   .

Lunch was omurice boba tea with a bottle of teriyaki sauce on the side. It was just boba tea, but the boba had been replaced by omurice because F-Bomb hated the flavor of boba, which he likened to rabbit crap. The teriyaki sauce was teriyaki sauce.

It was the most racist thing shotgun had ever eaten.

“Well, now that you jerks have gotten a taste of my sloppy seconds, I suppose some introductions are in order. You’ve already met my lovely wife” Cool raptor gestured to the body pillow seated next to him “So that leaves you two. Mami, meet A-Hole and D-Bag. A-Hole’s got the tommy gun, D-Bag is ridin’ her sawed off shotgun, as always. They’re old… acquaintances of mine.”

“He.” Corrected D-Bag. “I’ve been using he/him pronouns six months now.”

“Well that’s an improvement. Now instead of bein’ the Boss’ side B!tch literally, you’re just his b!tch figuratively!”

“Well screw you too, F-Bomb!” laughed the boss. “An’ speakin’ of screwing, what’s with the fruity get up? You a prostitute now or something?”

“Even better! This might surprise you, but I’ve got legitimate work now. This here’s my uniform, my uniform for MILF TIDDIES!”

A-Hole chugged his entire bottle of teriyaki sauce in one go, lest his mind implode from the sheer stupidity of that sentence.

“The Hell’s a milf tiddie!?”

“Only the best freakin’ maid café in Hoikaido, hookers!”

He gestured to a wall, covered in hundreds of photos of cute floozies dressed like they were attending a vampire’s funeral. Among them was a photo of F-Bomb in his drag, serving a deep fried hot dog to some elderly Japanese dude.

“As you can see, yours truly is serving Japan’s national desert to none other than 57th Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe!”

“Hold it up. Youse been hobnobbing it with politicians?!”

“I wish! You’re thinking of Shinzo Abe, 57th Prime Minister of Japan. This guy is his twin brother. Still pretty sweet though. We DID win a Grammy for that, after all.”

A-Holes eyes bulged out of his scaly raptor head.

“YOUSE WON A GRAMMY FOR THAT?!”

“Dang right! Milf Tiddies has won sixteen Grammys since I started working there!” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. A very special piece of paper, if the six holes punched into it were any indication. “Did you know that if you win ten Grammys in a row, they give you a free orphan? That’s how the wife and I got our glorious daughter, Lil’ Nagisa!”

F-Bomb pulled a faded photo out of his wallet. A photo showing himself, his pillow wife, and a smaller body pillow of a ten-year-old moeblob wearing a Green Bay Packers cheesehead helmet.

“So youse couldn’t even conceive your own kid?” Inquired D-Bag sexily. He was munching his omurice slowly, so F-Bomb knew he was being serious.

“Are you implying I have sex with my own wife, you sick freak?! I’m a weeaboo, not some degenerate anime fanboy! Get it straight!” He instinctively cocked the pistol in his throat. It was awesome as hell.

In response, D-Bag pumped his shotgun. Loudly.

“Permission to put the sick freak out of his misery, Boss?”

“Firstly, don’t call me Boss when we’re not having anal sex. Second, no can do, my spicy lover. We need F-Bomb alive.”

F-Bomb heard all of this even though A-Hole whispered it, but he pretended not to make A-Hole feel clever.

D-Bag mumbled about how the Boss was lucky he was so mind blowing in the sack, otherwise he would have left the relationship long ago. The sack in this case being a really kinky sex dungeon. Like really kinky. So kinky even Donald Trump wouldn’t go within a mile of it. D-Bag had almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation more times than I’ve gone to the bathroom in my lifetime. That’s why he was the smartest dinosaur out of the three of them. Now where was I again?

Anyway, F-Bomb interrogated

“Alright guys, what’s the deal? I know folks who come to this socialized medical care infested hellhole, and they don’t come here just to eat omurice boba tea. You WANT me for something.”

He cocked his mouth-pistol again. Sparks flew all over the carpet, which was made of alpaca fur so it didn’t catch fire.

A-Hole scandalously kept his cool.

“It’s about Isla Nublar.”

The second those words left A-Hole’s lips, F-Bomb escorted his wife out of the kitchen, but leaned her against the kitchen door, because that’s what she would have wanted.

“Well what about it? I told ya guys, I’m done with that dump.”

“They’re puttin’ the screws on us, F-Bomb. Making us pay for eating those tourists back in the nineties.”

“And what makes you think I care? Like I said, I’m done with that place. I got a wife and kid now.”

“But F-Bomb, doesn’t the Park mean ANYTHING to ya!? What about the time we ate that park ranger that called you a girl? ‘Better than sex’ I recall you saying.”

“Nice try, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get misgendered again. Don’t you guys got any ideas that don’t involve me?”

“As a matter of fact, yours truly had this really spectacular one!”

D-Bag did a hand gesture wherein he constantly crossed his dinosaur claws across his throat rapidly in quick succession. A-Hole, being very smart, knew this meant he should continue, loudly enough so that everyone in the prefecture could hear.

“It was called ‘Trump Ballz’. We’d harvest Donald Trump’s testicles, see, and sell them to the highest bidder, so they could do whatever people do with lopped off testicles. I’m not one to judge. It was a terrific idea. I know because when I told my best friend Donald Trump about it, he said, ‘A-Hole, this is an incredible idea. Absolutely terrific! This is probably the best idea in America! You are very smart, very intelligent dinosaur! I oughta buy you a prostitute!’ Of course, we didn’t realize that Trump’s ballz don’t grow back when you lop them off. Did you know that by the way? Human testicles don’t grow back-“

F-Bomb cocked the pistol inside his throat gain, getting the Boss to shut up. This was probably the most heroic thing anyone had ever done in the history of the universe. He also asked a question:

“SO WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!”

A-Hole vomited a severed arm and a pamphlet onto the table.

“EVERYTHING, ya WEEB trash!”

The pamphlet was for something called the Doki Idol Live Fest- DILF, for short. F-Bomb was no stranger to the DILF, but they had parted ways years ago. Six, to be exact, when he had buried Nico Yazawa’s still screaming corpse by the side of the highway. And neither was he stranger to the prize.

It looked like a beer and soda drinking baseball cap, but only to complete idiots who didn’t know crap about the Idol Life.

And F-Bomb wasn’t one of those people, er dinosaurs.

“THE MCGUFFIN OF SIN?!”

“Dam* straight! And like it or not, youse the only one with enough idol know-how to help us win it! Thing’s worth, like, a zillion dollars.”

A zillion in this case was equivalent to half a million. Still, isn’t that impressive?

F-Bomb stuck his nose in his omurice and snorted, a common intimidation tactic among velociraptors. I know because I read  it in the Scientific American.

“Sorry, guys, but even with that on the line, no can do. I’m DONE with the Idol Life, any I’m not letting you filthy casuals drag me back in.” He cocked the pistol in his throat. “NOW SCRAM!”

A-Hole and D-Bag jumped out a window, so they could get the jump on a feral dog humping its’ owner. Nobody realized they were dinosaurs because of their fake mustaches, so it looked like a pair of mobsters were eating a puppy.

When they were gone, F-Bomb pranced to the bathroom, which was filled with plush alpacas he had collected over the years. So many, in fact, the bathroom did not meet OSHA compliance. Which was why F-Bomb had made it an independent nation state, only to realize that OSHA didn’t apply to him anyway, since he lived in Japan.

He had felt really stupid after that, but at least he got his own country out of it.

Anyway, he vomited sixteen liters of blood into the sink, for F-Bomb had a secret: he was dying. Back when he was a fetus in an egg in a lab on some island in the Caribean, he’d become addicted to the illegal street drug known as WEEB, and frequent use had poisoned his lungs. The doctors had given him Socialized Medical Care and four more years to live. The WEEB had taken eighty years off his life. Socialized Medical Care had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back.

But F-Bomb also had a dream: he and his wife were going to build their own maid café, and it would be even better than MILF Tiddies. He’d already picked a title: DILF Tiddies, and it was going to be the greatest food-selling establishment in the history of Japan. Omurice boba tea was going to go global. But he’d never get the funds on time, not on his meager salary. Unless…

His beautiful wife greeted him as he exited the bathroom.

“Get a pen and some razor blades, sweetgums. I’ve got a letter to send.”

                                                     .   .   .

The message arrived in the neck of a mailman’s severed head. This is the traditional way velociraptors send letters to each other. I read it in a book.

D-Bag didn’t see the letter, but the look on A-Hole’s face told him everything.

“What’d I tell ya, D-Bag? Like I always say, when you’re dino you’re dino all the way, till youse dead in the ground or youse come out as gay!”

“Yeah, we really need to update those lyrics.”

End Chapter 1

[menphinaschevalier]

LGBTQ+ Awareness Regarding Jehovah's Witnesses

June is LGBT Pride month, chosen to commemorate the riots of Stonewall, which occurred in 1969. June is a month of recognition for those within the LGBTQ+ community, a time were we celebrate who we are, remember the freedoms won in past and those we presently fight for. It's a month when all of this, these issues we face everyday, are highlighted with more focus by those outside our community and so this June I have the aim to do what I can to spotlight an issue that is largely unknown to be the danger that it truly is.

As an LGBT person who was born into and raised in a Jehovah's Witness family, I have both experienced and witnessed the damaging effects of the cult’s culture, particularly pertaining to homosexuality.

Most people know Jehovah's Witnesses as the conservative Christian religion most likely to be responsible for walking you up on a Saturday morning with a knock on your door. If you live in a metropolitan area, you might have noticed them standing beside a cart of Watchtower literature, or seen a big blue square bumper sticker on someone's car with the message 'JW.ORG'.

What most people do not know is that might seem as an orderly sect of Christianity is in reality a high-control cult, making use of hallmarks such as lovebombing, thought policing, brainwashing, isolation and shunning. Here is the video shown at the 2016 conventions, used as a model example of how to treat those who leave the Organization. Click here for the full video, or here for the video plus commentary by an ex-JW former Elder and author.

These practices are what make the Jehovah's Witnesses Organization particularly lethal to its members, including those who are LGBTQ. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, also known simply and ominously as The Organization, have always held the stance that homosexuality is a sin forbidden by the bible not unlike many other sects of fundamentalist Christianity. However, due to its extreme policies, the repercussions are often more severe. In recent years, there has been a visible increase of information fed to members reminding them of the deplorable nature of homosexuality, encouraging them to see LGBT persons as sub-human, and reminding them that a person's sexual orientation is a choice or habit that can be broken as a person would seek anger management for their temper.

To make a comparison, you could say: “You know, many claim that violent behavior can have a genetic root and that as a result, some people are predisposed to it. (Proverbs 29:22) What if that was true? As you might know, the Bible condemns fits of anger. (Psalm 37:8; Ephesians 4:31) Is that standard unfair just because some may be inclined toward violence?”

The above is quoted from Young People Ask: How Can I Explain the Bible’s View of Homosexuality? which you can read for yourself here, on JW.org. 

As part of this year's District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses, three day conventions where members listen to talks and symposiums, a three part video drama will be shown entitled 'Remember the Wife of Lot'. Among the mess of poorly directed, problematic content are segments which remind convention attendees that homosexuality is condemned by God and by any faithful follower. These segments are shot in a way that dehumanizes the three visible gay characters in the drama, both a gay couple shown on television and the gay assistant of the titular character shown with only the backs of their heads visible, even when interacting and speaking for a prolonged period of time on screen. These are unmistakably deliberate choices directed from the Organization with the aim of encouraging and programming its members not to simply disagree with the 'homosexual lifestyle' but to view LGBT persons as a subhuman, alien group whose relationships revolve solely around lust.

Here is a short video that specifically calls out the main scenario where homosexuality is highlighted in the drama, though the strange ‘back of the head’ framing involving Gloria’s gay assistant takes place in the end of the third part. You can watch the full drama here.

This is an attitude that has loomed over the Jehovah's Witnesses culture decades, one that was actively present in the congregation I grew up in. A woman from a generational family of Witnesses had decided to live a celibate life, resisting her 'sinful nature' so she could remain a member of the Organization and keep contact with her family. Dispute her adherence to scripture, she was socially marked by her fellow members as 'bad association', treated marginally better than someone to be shunned. Comments such as 'I cannot wait until all the gay people are killed in Armageddon' are not uncommon to overhear in conversations, and any mention of homosexuality during the weekly congregation meetings beckoned attendees to express the depths of their disdain.

I cannot emphasize enough the emotional and mental damage that this can cause a person. As a social system that is set up to trap its members from any escape, any LGBT person within the Organization is under the constant oppression of knowing how disgusting their existence is to their only community.

As a Jehovah's Witness, you are expressly disallowed to have any close contact with individuals outside the Organization, or as they are labeled and known by members, ‘worldly people’. Anyone outside the Organization is routinely villainized as a dangerous threat at worst, possible convert at best, with no room for coexistence or agreeing to disagree.

Your entire world is confined other Jehovah's Witnesses, all of whom are likely to report you for anything you might confide 'for your own good'. It is, after all, a doomsday cult who believe that when Armageddon comes all non-Jehovah’s Witnesses will be executed by divine wrath. 

If you are someone born into the faith like I was, it's often the case that most of your family will be in the cult and pressure you into baptism, from which point you are trapped. Being brought up in this environment is extremely toxic to anyone, but can be especially poignant when you are gay. There is no safe way to ensure that you have any outlet. You are boxed in with a culture that is actively brainwashing your loved ones to loathe you, while you yourself have been brainwashed into believing the only good and kind people in the entire world are your fellow Jehovah's Witnesses.

The woman whom I spoke of earlier eventually stopped coming to our Congregation, along with her family. I like to think she found all the happiness she deserved and was denied, but I have no idea where she is or what happened to her. I hope that she was fortunate enough to find a support system outside the cult. Too many times there are instances of homelessness, drug addiction and suicide that stem from the incredible stress and emotional devastation of losing your entire social circle in the blink of an eye. There are countless stories of abandoned Witnesses who in desperation and grief turn to harmful alternatives for comfort, and these same accounts are waved in the faces of their friends and family as an ‘I told you so!’ by the Organization.

How do you help someone in such a tightly controlled situation? Spread the word: There are resources and websites that compile the corruption of the Watchtower Organization, but it is still a mostly unknown problem, particularly within the U.S. The more attention that can be brought to the truth of the cult, the harder it will be for Watchtower to keep its members in the dark. Jehovah's Witnesses are not allowed to read anything about their religion outside of the Organization’s published and approved material. One of the best ways to dismantle the harmful behavior in this Organization is to draw enough attention to its harmful practices on a large enough scale that its practically impossible to avoid. 

Be patient, be kind: Remember you are dealing with victims of a cult who have been brainwashed into believing every single person who is not a fellow Witnesses is a danger to them. Remember that this applies to everyone inside the cult, parents and children, young and old. 

Provide resources, if you can: A lot of Witnesses might not know about resources like suicide prevention hotlines, shelters or even therapy. The degree to which someone has been isolated 'from this system of things' can vary severely, with some families deciding against any sort of help outside Elders at their Kingdom Halls, and therefore never educating their children that there IS alternative aid outside the religion. 

Absolutely do not express your anger towards their religion: Even while I was living with my partner, states away from my controlled environment, it took months before I was able to even begin coming to terms with the truth about what I had known as ‘The Truth.’ Any hostile action, including blunt facts about the cult, can be seen as validation for worldly people being cruel, evil imps whose only goal is to lead them astray from the righteous path of everlasting life. Remember that most Witnesses have been brainwashed into really believing this doctrine, even if they are terrified and miserable living as a Witness, no matter how strange or insane some of their beliefs might seem. 

I am alive today because I was fortunate enough to find a source outside Jehovah’s Witnesses who simply by being themselves, planted enough seeds of doubt about the Organization for me to survive the constant assault of worthlessness and self-hate I was programmed to feel everyday. 

I am alive today despite having my own mother assist me with attempted suicide, because it would have been ‘better’ for me to die then as I was, a scared 16 year old who had admitted to being gay, than for me to continue living and be killed at Armageddon for that same crime. 

I am lucky, but there are so many out there silently suffering everyday, inside and outside the LGBTQIA+ community. Please, take a moment to think of those inside your community this Pride month and if you know of any LGBT+ Witnesses, young or old, take a moment to let them know you love them and they are not alone. 

[fan-fic-fix]

I love you, each of you with all my heart, always. (Poly!Hamilsquad x Reader)

Pairing: Hamilsquad x reader

Word Count: 2975

Warnings: Poly relationship, a few cuss words (like 2), some google translation (sorry, I took Spanish in hs, not French), 

Summary: You and the boys take a trip, but leaves you broken hearted. 

Author’s Notes: I wrote with more for the plot than the cuddly relationship stuff, next time I will try to add more of that stuff. 

You and your boys were sitting around the dinner table discussing dates. Days all of you had off or could take off so you could go and visit your family in Mississippi. You were nervous as hell because YOUR FAMILY IS FROM MISSISSIPPI. That means they are super conservative and you being in a relationship with 4 guys was going to be a total shock. You never really told your parents that you were in a relationship, they just thought that you dated them separately and at different times.

 “Okay, what about Junes 9-16?” Alexander asked.

 “I can do that,” Laf said.

 “Me too,” you said.

 “Me three,” Herc agreed.

 “Yep, perfect!” John said.

 “That gives us a month to prepare. I am going to call them and tell them that me and a couple of friends are going to come stay for a week.” you said a bit nervous.

 “Friends?” they all questioned.

 “Okay, look, I haven’t really told them I am dating all of you. I’m from Mississippi it’s not exactly welcomed. I have decided it was time to tell them,” you say as you look down at your fidgeting hands.

 They all surrounded you in an embrace and kissed your head.

 “I am sorry, mon cheri,” Laf said sympathetically.

 “I’m sure it will all work out, I mean you are their daughter after all,” John reassured.

 “I guess you’re right,” you gave him a half smile.

 “Come on, let’s get to bed and we can start planning tomorrow,” Herc said yawning and putting you over his shoulder.

 You loved how they each carried you in their own way. Herc put you over his shoulder, Laf let you wrap your arms and legs around you while he carried you on his front, Alex carried you like a bride and John piggybacked you. This was also one way you knew who was carrying you to bed if you fell asleep on the couch.

 You were all in the bed, and started to give goodnight kisses when Alexander wouldn’t let you pull away. There others got jealous and started joining him by kissing other parts of your body. You loved the nights when they each had their way with you and each other. Everyone always fell asleep satisfied on those nights, your favorite part was everyone’s skin as you laid twisted with each other. You slept naked anyway, but loved when all your boys did too.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before you knew it the say y’all were going to your hometown was here. You felt Herc slam the trunk of the car to get it to close and stared towards the airport. You gazed out the window deep in thought about this coming week. You are snapped back to reality with one of the boys moving your hair to the side and kissing your neck.

  “Ready?” John asked.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be,” you huffed.

  After a four and a half hour flight from NYC to Gulfport you pull up to your house in the rental car. You could feel your heart pounding and check your heart rate on your watch. 131. You haven’t seen that since your high school graduation. You turned the car off and opened the door.

  “Let’s do this,” you said with a shaky voice.

  “Hey,” Alex said as he pulled you to him, “Everything is going to be just fine,” he kissed you and let you go. All of the others planted a kiss on your lips also and they y’all proceeded to the door.

  Your house was right across from the beach and it had a wrap around porch on the first floor and each room on the second floor had a balcony. You were so happy to see your home again.

  “We are here!” you shouted as you opened the door.

  “Oh (Y/Nick Name)!” you mother came rushing in, hand in the air.

  “Sis!” your sister said as she followed your mother.

  “Hey! I’ve missed y’all so much!” you beamed, “Where is Mr. Steve?”

  “He is still at the office dear, we are going to dinner when he gets home,” your mother explained, “That gives all y’all a little bit of time to unpack.”

  “Oh right, these are my, uh, friends,” you said sheepishly, “Alexander Hamilton, John Laurens, Hercules Mulligan, and Marquis de Lafayette.”

  “I wasn’t aware that all of your friends were going to be males,” your mother said with a strange look on her face, “I will have to rearrange the sleeping.”

  “Why?” you asked.

  “Well, I thought it was going to be all girls so I put air mattresses in your room so y’all could all sleep in the same room.” your mother said.

  “We still can all share a room, I mean we do back home anyway.” As soon as you said this you knew you were screwed. You could feel all of the guys looking at you with wide eyes and heard them all shift with nervousness.

 “You. What.” your mother sounded mortified.

 “I mean we share a house, not a room, silly me.” you tried so hard to save yourself, but you knew you were past the point of return.

 “Okay, mother, I need to tell you something,” you started.

 “Non, Madame, we need to tell you something,” Laf interrupted.

 “We, as in all of us,” Herc admitted.

 John just stood there with red cheeks and shook his head.

 “Mother, um, you know how I have mentioned dating them? Well we are all kind of dating each other.” you stuttered out.

 “My. God. (Y/F/N). I cannot believe this. I will not allow this. This is absurd. So you know what your stepfather will say when he finds out?” your mother was furious.

 “Mother it’s not that big of a deal. Why are you freaking out?” you protested.

 “Look, in New York this may be ‘acceptable’ but here it is not.” your mother said trying not to yell, or cry.

 “Why not? You and everyone else here need to grow up and stop judging everybody on how they choose to live their lives.” you said slightly raising your tone.

 You turn around and walk towards the stairs. You grab Alexander’s and John’s wrists and pulled them with you. Laf and Herc followed. You reach your bedroom door and open it dramatically throw yourself on the bed. It still had your simple gray bedspread on it. Laf was the first one to come to you.

 “Amoureux, do not stress. We shall figure something out.” he said trying to comfort you as you sat in his lap with your face in his chest.

 “Yes, my love, we will. She is just shocked is all,” Alexander agreed.

“Look, just give her time to cool off,” John suggested.

 “Maybe I can talk to her. I am kind of intimidating,” Herc said trying to get you to smile.

 It worked. You looked at him with a half smile and even a small giggle. By then all of the boys were on the bed with you and snuggled together. You didn’t realize that your sister was standing there until she cleared her throat.

 “Oh, hey Amelia. I didn’t know you were standing there.” you commented.

 “It’s okay. I just came to check on you, well all of y’all,” she corrected.

 “Thanks, we appreciate it. We didn’t mean to cause a scene.”

 “I also came to say that I support your relationship. You are incredibly lucky to have found 4 people who love you. I know I just met them but just seeing them comfort you I can see they love you so much.” she said.

 “She is right,” Herc said and the rest nodded their heads in agreement.

 “Also, Mr. Steve will be home soon. Just thought I would warn you so y’all weren’t like this when he got here and mom told him the news.” she said.

 “Thanks again, sis.”

 “No problem.”

 You watched your sister leave and then looked up at Laf then the rest of your lovers. He stood up with you in his arms and placed your feet on the ground. You walked back downstairs and sat at the counter with the guys following you. Soon after that your stepdad walked in.

 “Hello (Y/N)!” he said excitedly, “Are these your friends?”

 “Um, yes,” you replied.

 “No, they are her boyfriends,” your mother claimed.

 “All of them?” he questioned.

 “Yes we are all dating each other.” you admitted again.

  “Um, wow, okay. I will call Callie to clean the spare rooms then.” he suggested.

“Why can’t we stay in the same room? We do at home, we all share a bed.”

  “I said that was not an option, did you forget that?” you mother butted in.

  “Please, we are grown adults we know how to behave, if that’s what you are scared of,” you sassed.

  “Our house, our rules,” she proclaimed.

  “Sweetie, please don’t do this in front of our guests,” Steve said taking your mother’s hand.

“Fine, but what I said stands. Call Callie, we are eating in tonight.”

  Your mother and stepdad walked off to their room leaving you in the kitchen with the boys and your sister. Y’all could hear your mother, but not your step dad. He cared a lot about what people thought of him and often kept his opinions to himself so he didn’t offend anyone and have his name be bashed in the press. Your mother always overreacted so you should have seen this coming. They came out of their room, your mother still looked upset but forced a smile on her face.

  “Did either of you call Callie?” she asked.

“No,” you and your sister both answered.

  “Okay, I guess we can still go out.” she sighed, “Everyone go freshen up. (Y/N), use your sister’s bathroom.”

  You huffed and rolled your eyes when you turned around and headed for the stairs. As soon as you heard your parent’s door close you went to your bathroom with the rest of the boys.

  “Your step dad, he reminds me of Burr,” Alexander said as soon as you entered.

  “Yeah…” you said.

  “I think we will be able to sleep in the same room, just not the same bed,” he started to explain, “He doesn’t want us to hate him, but wants us to get an idea of where he stands without saying it.”

  “I am going to start getting the bags out of the car,” Herc said.

  “Okay, I want to change out of these clothes anyway,” you answered.

  “We will all go. (Y/N), stay here and relax a minute while be bring everything in,” John said kissing your forehead then walking out the door. The rest followed. Herc kissed your cheek, Laf placed one on your lips, and Alex gave you a nice smack on the ass. God you loved them.

  They all came back in lugging the luggage.

  “Thank you my loves!” you said giving them each a kiss on their sweet lips as they dropped the bags.

  Went all 5 of you were changed and ready y’all walked to the kitchen where everyone else waited. Steve offered to drive everyone, but you said that y’all would follow. You and your 4 boyfriends piled up in the Beamer.

  “How are you doing, mon cheri?”

  “I… I don’t know.”

  “Everything will be just fine. I promise,” Hercules said in his soothing voice as he rubbed your leg.

  You looked at him for a quick second and gave him a loving smile. Minutes later you pulled into a parking spot and walked into the restaurant. It was called Halfshell. You had been here countless times when you were growing up, so you didn’t even look at the menu before you ordered.

  When you left you all walked out hand-in-hand not caring about the looks. You noticed that your mother and stepdad held back and calling to your sister to wait with them. You reached the car, but before you got in the car you found your family by the door.

“We will see y’all at the house, I am taking my boyfriends the the beach for a nice romantic walk!” you shouted in a mocking tone.

  You knew your mother was steaming. As you passed you could also see the smoke coming out of her ears. As you pulled into the parking bay at Court House Pier your phone rang. You connected it to the car via bluetooth and answered.

  “Have you lost your mind!?” you knew you were in deep shit now.

  “I was just trying to prove a point. We don’t care about all the stares and weird looks, so why should you? I am your daughter, you should just be happy that I am happy. That I have 4 wonderful, amazing, caring, perfect boys that all love me and each other. I love each one of them with all my heart and if you can’t handle it we will come get our stuff and find somewhere to stay. I am perfectly okay with that, and I am sure ALL OF MY BOYFRIENDS are too.” you were sure to emphasize the all of my boyfriends part to let her know that you weren’t changing your mind about anything.

  “Don’t bother coming in, Callie is already putting everything on the porch.”

  You just stared, mouth gaped as the phone call ended. You felt tears start to fall over your eyelids and down your face. They all just looked at you.

  “Honey, let me drive to the house,” John spoke up.

  Hercules got out of the passenger seat and came around to the driver’s side and lifted you out if the car and placed you in the back seat. Lafayette placed you in the middle seat and wiped your tears away. He and Alex both cuddled you and Herc was turned around rubbing your leg. As John pulled into the driveway your sister came running out. She opened one of the doors.

  “Is she okay?”

  “Non, j'ai peur de ne pas.”

  “What?”

  “No, she isn’t,” Alexander loosely translated while he was still looking at you.

  You knew the boys were mad, Laf was speaking French, John’s nose was crinkled, Herc’s breath was deep and loud, and Alexander would not stop mumbling insults under his breath. Callie started carrying bags to the car and John and Herc started loading them in. Laf and Alexander did not move because you were still sitting in the same spot and still staring off with tears running down your face. Amelia kissed the top of your forehead said goodbye and apologized. Hercules got on his phone and found a place to stay. He put the location into the GPS since you were being a statue.

  It felt like you were in the car for hours. John finally pulled into a parking garage. The purple lighting you saw out of the corner of your eye told you you were at the Hard Rock in Biloxi, so you were only in the car for 20 minutes. Once John found a parking spot everyone piled out of the car, except for you and Laf. He stayed with you while the others went inside to get a room. When they got one Alex texted Laf the room number. He opened the door and carried you up to the room. You were so thankful that none of them tried to talk to you. You knew all you would be able to do was cry. Your mother kicked you out of your childhood home. Sure you had already moved away all the way to NYC, but she just rejected you for being you.

  In the room the boys were readying the room for you. They pulled back the blankets on the bed and put your favorite movie on the tv. They even stopped at Ben & Jerry’s in the lobby and brought up your favorite ice cream. Hercules pulled out your nightgown you wore around the house before bed, John dug out his stuffed turtle for you to hold, and Alexander was calling room service to bring your favorite midnight snack.

  Laf knocked on the door and you heard them all run to the door. He carried you inside and sat you on the bed. Alexander began to take off your shirt and bra, and John peeled away your jeans. Hercules put you in your nightgown while Laf changed into his pajamas and John and Alex put away your clothes. Hercules placed you in the middle of the bed and they all climbed into the bed as well, sitting around you.

  “Are you ready to talk Sweetness?” Hercules asked in his deep voice.

  “Why does she have to be like this? My own mother doesn’t support my decision to be with all the people I love. To share a bed in my bed at my house where I grew up. Share something that was apart of most of my life with the loves of my life. To care more about what people will say about her because I am with all of you who not only love me, but each other. Why does she care more about what the public thinks than about my happiness.” you paused to blow your nose and regain yourself. “If she doesn’t care, then neither do I. If she wants me out then so be it. I refuse to let what she thinks hold me back any longer. All of y’all is all I need.”

  You took off your nightgown and handed it to Hercules. Everyone gave each other their goodnight kisses and cuddled under the covers.

  “I love you, each of you, with all my heart. No matter what. No matter the looks we get or the comments that are said. I love you, each of you with all my heart, always.”