#if we see him go from wanting to die for the ada -> knowing he needs to live for them i will take back everything i’ve ever said about bsd

[spliqi]

if the amenogozen fight doesn’t have an atsushi scene where he pushes himself up from the ground, bruised and bloody, but determined because he knows it’s up to him to save everyone. then what are we even doing here

[whiterexpper]

Going back on the nevermore eps, I think it’s pretty wild but absolutely necessary how Lenore was willing to Kill Montresor, or allow Duke to kill him by saying “whatever is necessary.”

She didn’t care. In my eyes, this is the Lenore that was alive, because the Lenore in nevermore would do anything to keep everyone alive, even Ada and Will, even when she threatened him with a gun, I highly doubt she’d shoot him.

That’s in my opinion though, because Lenore doesn’t like the Deans and knows they’re playing them like they’re all in a game. And it annoys her, she doesn’t want anyone to suffer there.

But when she had that opportunity to deal with Montresor, yeah she had the option to humiliate him, but she was more on the side to killing him and was okay with it. Because her saying “it may as well be the same thing” she was okay with killing off his entire character, to watch him suffer and lose so much. And she has every right to do that with all that she did to her and her friends.

How he basically tortured her in her mind mentally in her memory, how he tortured Berenice and Eulalie and tossing them at her feet still alive , knowing he was supposed to kill them off in the trial but CHOSE to hurt them just for his benefit and to hurt Lenore and them. How he threw it in Lenore’s face that he should’ve killed “your little friends” when duke manifested

Lenore is the type to keep everyone alive and safe and it’s how she is. She puts others before her, even if she gave Ada the benefit of the doubt, I highly believe she would have done the same for Prospero and Will too. But Montresor? She wanted him to suffer or even to die. She wanted to see him at his lowest point and I FULLY believe this is the Lenore from when she set her house on fire, the Lenore when she rode all the way to Annabel. The Lenore that would cut her hair and pose as a man, potentially getting her and Annabel in serious trouble. That Lenore came out for that moment. And there’s probably more that we aren’t aware of until we see more of her memories.

IM INVESTED IN THIS I NEEEEEED

[lolitastories]

Before You Go

Thomas Shelby

It wasn’t how I planned it, no. We were supposed to be together, then eventually we would marry. I would finally be able to hold him without care and finally when we think we are the most happy, we would expand our family to three. “Hello?” I looked up from my shivering hands to a head, peaking around the wall. I stood to my feet when I saw those familiar eyes and soon enough he moved around the corner and into full view.

“Thomas?” My voice was shaky but somehow audible. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” His eyes stayed glued to the floor as he walked closer to me. A voice full of shyness and uncertainty. I knew it was none of that. I knew why he was here and why he stood like a puppy with his tail between his legs. “I-” I needed him to say it, I needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay. “I-Ada said you weren’t feeling well,” Although I knew he was hiding something and it was hard for him to say, I couldn’t stop my heart from fluttering when he cared for me.

“Tommy,” I say quieter. His eyes finally met my gaze, I took this time to walk forward and place my hand on his chest. My fingers tracing the white buttons on his light warm blue shirt. It was my favorite shirt on him, it made his blue eyes seem even brighter, calmer,and gentle.

“I remember the last time you got sick-” He let out a quick chuckle. “A little fever and you were crying in your bed for the rest of the day,” I joined his laughter as he reminisced about that day. In my defense, I don’t normally get sick so it was scary when I came down with a fever. “Under the covers eating your soup, messy hair, runny nose, and sobbing.” If I wasn’t already red, having Thomas find me that day like that he probably thought my fever was higher than it actually was. “Can’t have you feel down,” The smile faded from my lips. I start remembering this time I wasn’t sick or down because of some fever, this was because of him this time. This time I wanted to hide under my covers and cry because of him. But then I would die of hunger or maybe dehydration from all the crying, it would be some hard years to come.

“Tommy,” I said again. This time with a more pleading voice and with my fingers pulling on his collar. The unbalanced pull made him lean forward and he used my hip to stabilize himself. As I focused on his eyes, it was the first second that broke me. He was actually looking right at me which made tears start to fill my eyes. His eyes soften at the wreck I was about to become, he leans forward resting his forehead against mine. It was a sigh of relief to feel him here, I closed my eyes and multiple tears slipped away.

“I will be back,” He promised, I know he did. People called me stupid for trusting the Shelbys but even if I saw a million blades in a pit, I would jump. I would jump if they told me it was okay. Can’t say my family was too happy about it but they also knew they couldn’t stop me from befriending all the Shelby’s. First it was John, then Ada, Thomas followed shortly and well Arthur, he took a while. “I will be right back here, where I belong.” His sweet voice was calming. It wasn’t long before Thomas started his light touches. First it was a hand on my shoulder, a normal hug or two. What made my heart leap for the first time was when he kissed my forehead and ran off. I was like a zombie going about my day. I layed in my bed that night with thoughts of him. If it wasn’t for small rocks hitting my window that I would notice the sun slowly rising from the horizon. And there he was, the guy who was making me lose sleep. “Do you remember what I told you that day?” He pushes his head back, making me open my eyes. I do. That early morning I went running down stairs, not even caring to grab a coat for the November air. Quietly I sneak out so anyone in my house wouldn’t hear.

“I remember my mother screaming at you,” I laughed to suppress the sobs that wanted to start. “I remember before that,” I searched his eyes, they were filled with anticipation. “You kissed me.” He lowered his brows like a sigh of relief. I could feel his fingers slowly trailing to wrap me fully in his arms. My eyes switch to glimpse at his lips. The lips that so tenderly guided mine. How warm and sweet he was in the haze of time. My mother didn’t hear the conversation but even if she did, that wouldn’t stop her from screaming from the top of her lungs when she saw Thomas and I wrapped up in our own little world. Her daughter is outside with a boy kissing! What would the neighbor say?

“I remember.” My eyes flick back but not before seeing a faint grin on his face. “Can’t forget something like that,” I smile.

“I can say the same thing about your words.” We were back to reality. I loosen up my finger that was practically allowing me to hang from his collar. The move with enough pace to cup his face. Those words caused happiness when now the only thing it did was bring pain to my heart.

“What I said was true,” He cupped my face desperately seeing how my mood fell. My hands fell to my side as my mind told me to give up. “I loved you then, when we first met.” I fight the tears back trying to look up but Thomas pulls me now making me look at him. “I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you no matter how many years go by!” That broke me. No matter how many years go by. Sounds like a sweet forever but in reality we don’t know how many years we were talking about. The war could take 1 year or maybe 10. A couple of years of pain then followed by happiness, Or a lifetime of mourning. This could be the last time he holds me close. “Can you wait for me?” Yes, It didn’t take me a second to know the answer.

“Can you come back to me?” I didn’t cry. I looked up and I didn’t cry. His shoulder fell and he slowly began to nod. “Then I will wait for you,” We both shared a smile which in no time was interrupted with a kiss. This compared nothing to the first one. His thumb grazed my cheek as he pulled us closer. As his lips moved against mine I felt my heart stop, the moment of sadness was a thing of the past. My lips followed him as he broke apart for air. We are back to being stupid kids in love, who don’t have to say goodbye, at least not for right now.

“I love you.” Thomas smiled, His eyes crinkling at the corners. “I will always love you,” That time he whispered it, almost making it seem like he was keeping it a secret. A secret so no one, not even the universe could hear. So no one could ruin it, and I made the same promise back.

“I love you Tommy.”

[irenewsky]

I recently read the Bungo Stray Dogs light novel called 55 Minutes and it has reminded me of how much I love the dynamic between Dazai and Kunikida. Their interactions are sometimes just comedic gold.

(Big spoilers for the novel incoming. Read at your own risk)

Dazai pouted as he rolled around inside the garbage can. "I was waiting for all the guards to leave. And now that the coast is clear, I'll just jump out of this and... Oops, I can't get out."

"Good. Hope you enjoy the incinerator." Kunikida glared at Dazai.

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

"What?" Kunikida's expression changed. "Is that true, Dazai?"

"If it were, would that change your opinion about me?"

"Don't worry. My opinion of you can't get any lower. Now spit it out."

"Ah, your praise brings a tear to my eye!" exclaimed Dazai with a grin.

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

Kunikida was slouching in his seat, drooping his head like an ear of rice. From the side, he looked burned-out, like lifeless ash.

"There was something... not written in my notebook..? That Atsushi knew before me..? My life is over... Just kill me.."

Kunikida moaned like a dying man, then flopped over in his seat.

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

"So you've finally given up being human," muttered Kunikida. He sounded thoroughly disgusted. "How does somebody survive even after stopping their own heart?"

"I learned how to do it during my quest to master the secret arts of suicide, naturally. Hearts don’t take long to starts back up, it’s no big deal.”

"Nothing you say ever makes sense."

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

"How does it feel to be able to listen to my beautiful voice as if I were whispering into your ear? You're so lucky. Oh, I know. How about I sing a song?"

"Just do your job!" Judging by Kunikida's roaring voice, it sounded as though he was standing behind Dazai.

"Don't be so serious. What's the worst that could happen? If we fail, we die. Big deal."

"Don't drag your sick fetishes into this. [—]”

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

"Kunikida," Atsushi said while placing a finger on Dazai's chest. "His heart stopped."

"I see... Atsushi," Kunikida said as if he was struggling to suppress something. "You know the procedure, right?"

☆〜（ゝ。∂）

”Oh, and I heard you guys had been discussing how to bring me back to life behind my back, too. Now I'll have to come up with a new plan to kill myself. But—"

"DAZAAAAAAI!"

"Oof?!"

Kunikida drop-kicked Dazai from the side, nearly breaking him in two and sending him flying to the ground.

"HOW...MANY TIMES...ARE YOU GOING TO...SCREW UP THE JOB...BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SIT STILL?!?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH...WE HAD TO GO THROUGH...TO BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE...?!?!"

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Kunikida, please stop kicking and choking and yelling at me!"

"The hell are you talking about?! 'Finally managed to die? You're no longer human! You don't deserve that right! If you really want to die that much, I'll kill you myself! How about this?! And this?! How about from this angle?!"

☆ 〜（ゝ。∂）

"You've got work to do!" Kunikida barked while tossing a stack of paperwork on Dazai's desk. "You need to finish your report of Standard Island, and make it snappy. The Division is growing impatient."

"Whaaat?" complained Dazai, clearly put out. "I mean, I guess I could do it, but... Kunikida, do you have any way I could cool off? Like with your skill?"

"I know a way you could really cool off, but it doesn't have anything to do with my skill. Want to give it a try?"

"Wait—really? How?"

"Stop your heart for two minutes, then let me resuscitate you."

”...I regret everything." Dazai stared at Kunikida with reproach.

This novel has made me miss the simple days when the threats the ADA faced weren’t related to Fyodor or vampires or all the other insanity.

Also, Kunikida did NOT cope well with Dazai actually dying or the stress that fighting against time to bring him back from the dead brought him. The man does care about him quite a bit - to the point that he has thought in excruciating detail about how to bring Dazai back should he actually die.

[Dialogue taken from BSD novel 55 Minutes, pages 64, 96, 108, 117, 184, 228, 230]

[annievrse]

red carnations

dazai x reader —ᡣ𐭩 fic c/w: 1.5k wc, alcohol, one mention of dazai's suicide book

“Oh, shit,” Dazai laughed, stumbling over his own feet as he stood. 

You paid no mind to him, digging your face further into the couch to shield your eyes from the sun's glare. Groaning, you squinted through the daylight to peek into the kitchen, where Dazai tried his best to fill up a glass with water from the sink. 

“How did we end up out here?” He asked, rubbing his eye with his knuckle and taking a sip from the cup as he walked back toward you.

“Pretty sure it was Kunikida’s cheap ass rosé,” You said, face twisted in disgust. “Why did you make me drink that again?” 

You took the glass from Dazai’s outstretched hand and ignored him when he jumped onto the couch beside you. His hand circled your thighs and brought them onto his lap, his fingertips rubbing softly on your skin. 

“If I recall correctly,” Dazai puts his forefinger in your face. “You were the one who forced it down my throat. I took no part in stealing Great Kunikida’s favourite alcoholic beverage.”

You shook your head, sipping water from his glass and raising your hand to run your fingers through his messy hair. “Never let me steal it again.”

“Mhm,” He dismissed you with a wave of his hand, tilting his head into your touch. “It’s hard to sway you when you’re set on something.”

You rested your head on the back of the couch and looked at him. His cheeks were still tinted deep red from when you last saw them last night, but you were unsure if it was from the hangover or something entirely different. 

“Are we gonna clean the candle wax off the shelf?” You mumbled, eyes flickering between his dark irises. 

Dazai sighed loudly, turning his face forward, breaking your staring competition. “Nah, we’ll clean it up next time.” 

You raised your eyebrows, nails grazing the top of his bandages at the back of his neck. "You'll clean it up next time."

Dazai glanced at you, fingers running higher up your leg. If he wasn't so entranced by you, maybe he would've declined.

“Have you heard from Dazai lately?” You asked Yosano as you walked into the ADA. 

Yosano turned to face you from her desk, eyebrows knitted. “Yeah, he was just here, like, 20 minutes ago.”

Your mouth opened slightly in disbelief. “Really?” The question came out in a whisper, and you were too caught up in your thoughts to notice her calling your name. 

“Why?” Yosano asked, now standing in front of you with her arms crossed. It seemed everybody else in the office was out, so it was deathly quiet while you contemplated what to say. 

Nonetheless, you felt your face heat up at the memory. “He came over on Sunday night, and we–“ 

“Don’t tell me you–” Yosano shook her head, eyes locking onto the fading maroon bruise on your neck. 

“No!” You gasped, body tingling with embarrassment. “No, just let me explain.” 

The universe only gave you 12 minutes to explain your current predicament before Atsushi and Kyouka walked in, confused looks on their faces when they saw you waving your arms around. 

“What’s going on?” Atsushi asked, placing his black gloves on his desk. 

“Where’s Dazai?” Yosano inquired, raising a single eyebrow at the younger boy. 

“Oh!” Atsushi looked at Kyouka, who turned away and pretended to shuffle papers on Kenji’s desk. “Uh, he’s… around, you know how he is.”

“Uh, huh,” The physician nodded, tongue pressing on the inside of her cheek. “Kyouka?”  

The teenager paused her hands, dropping the documents. “He’s downstairs.” 

Atsushi groaned softly while you and Yosano shared a glance. “Thanks.” 

Dazai had always gotten a kick out of begging various women to die with him; that much was true. And you didn’t mind – why would you? You weren’t exclusive, and he could go after anyone he wanted. At least, that’s what you told yourself when you saw his cheeks were still burgundy – you could see that much. But what you couldn’t see was the face of the waitress who sat with her back to you. 

The pain on your face must’ve been obvious because it was enough for Yosano to call his name, venom dripping from her words. 

Dazai popped his head up at the sound, a smile spreading across his cheeks when he saw you. “Belladonna!” But his expression then morphed into one of panic. “You need to leave!” 

You were taken aback. “What?” 

The brunette stepped around the waitress and walked toward you, eyes bouncing around the room. He finally stopped before you, hands reaching out to take yours, gaze locked on the woman beside you. “Yosano, take her upstairs.” 

“Dazai–”

“Please,” His dark eyes were pleading, yet they twinkled with something close to mischief. “I’ll let you know when to come back down.” 

“No, I don’t want to go upstairs. Tell me what’s going on,” You argued, snatching your hands out of his. 

“I’ll tell you later, okay?” Dazai added. 

You tore your gaze away from him and fought against the tears in your eyes but let Yosano guide you back to the office anyway, a look of abrupt understanding on her face that you couldn’t begin to comprehend. 

Upon returning, Kyouka looked regretful, and Atsushi had his head in his hands. 

“Get over it!” Yosano announced, rolling her eyes when the pair jumped in surprise. 

You were at a loss for words and tired. “I’m just gonna go home.” 

“No!” Atsushi sprung up from his chair, clearing his throat when Kyouka glared at him. “I mean,” He coughed. “Just stay here a while. I’m sure everything’s fine.” 

But you shook your head and grabbed your bag from the floor where you’d left it when you arrived. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” 

A knock at your door was the last thing you wanted to deal with. Covered with two blankets and a tea in your hand, you grumbled when the knocking didn’t stop. 

So, you got up, paused the episode you were watching and opened your front door. 

Your breath hitched when you recognised Dazai’s shoes on your doorstep, a bouquet of red carnations covering his face. “What do you want?” 

Dazai violently shoved the flowers to the side, his face visible now. “What do you mean ‘what do you want’?” He pushed past you to enter your apartment and placed the bouquet on the kitchen counter. “I’m here because you left the office.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, irritation simmering in your veins. “I’m going to ignore the fact you just invited yourself in.” 

“Whoa!” Dazai taunted, shrugging his coat off his shoulders. “What’s wrong?” 

“What’s wrong with me?” You questioned mockingly. “You!” 

“Me?” He tilted his head. 

“Yes, you!” You stepped in his direction, skin heated and blood pumping quickly. “You told me to leave the cafe, so I left! Dickhead...” 

Dazai treaded slowly toward you, palms facing upwards. “I told you to stay in the office until I called you.” 

“What am I?” You laughed bitterly. “A dog?” 

Dazai sighed and shook his head. “You know what, you’re right. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that, but you didn’t have to leave.” 

“You’re impossible, Osamu.” 

Dazai raised his eyebrows in shock at the use of his name. “Oh, okay. I’m the impossible one.” 

“Yes!”

“What if I said I asked you to leave because I was planning the best date of your life in the cafe?”

This made you pause. “Huh?”

Dazai took your hands in his, but you wouldn’t pull away this time. “I wanted to ask you out properly. But, someone had to open her big mouth and ruin the surprise.” 

“Kyouka did nothing wrong,” You laughed. “You should’ve just told me.” 

“Do you know the definition of a surprise? Or should I get the dictionary for you? Perhaps send you back to first grade?” 

You slapped Dazai’s bicep and twisted your lips in thought. “Were you really going to ask me out?” 

“Do you think I would subject myself to a florist for fun?” Dazai joked, nodding his head back at the flowers on the counter, placing his hand delicately on your cheek. “Of course I was! I like you.”

“Oh, Dazai,” You mumbled, voice thick with emotion. 

And for the first time in the entirety you’d known him, Dazai was speechless, awaiting an answer that you’d soon give him. He chewed on his bottom lip, never fearing drawing blood because the thought of rejection was more painful than anything he’d ever tried from his book of suicide. 

But when you smiled, pinching his pink cheek between your thumb and forefinger, Dazai knew it would be okay. “You’re so cute.” 

“Wha–What?” He pouted. “I’m bearing my soul to you, and that’s all I get?” Shaking his head, Dazai let a smile slip out. “Lord, give me strength.” 

“Shut up!” You laughed, hand on his neck to pull his face closer to yours. And when his nose bumped yours, his hands found home on your waist. “I adore you, Osamu.” 

[illdowhatiwantthanks]

You're Safe Now

Casey Novak x autistic fem!reader Warnings: Hurt/comfort, discussions of past child sexual abuse and child pornography, PTSD, flashbacks, panic attacks, brief and mild self-harm Word Count: 1,799 NOTE: Child sexual abuse/assault is a deeply triggering subject for many people. If you're one of them, please proceed with caution. As a victim myself, I know that, oftentimes, I find great comfort in reading stories that include narratives like mine, especially when they make me feel seen and heard and cared for. At other times, they are terrible for my mental health. Please just be mindful of your mental state as you read, especially if you are a victim. And if you need help, please reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673).

Casey looked over Stabler's shoulder as he scrolled through grainy photo after photo. Stills from hundreds of pornographic VHS tapes, all of abused children. "Any of them prosecutable?" Stabler shook his head. "Nah, not on abuse charges. These are all 25 years old. The Feds just want us to look and see if we can make any connections."

"All the same ring?" "Yep. A Baptist church, if you can believe it. Somewhere in Tennessee. Apparently the ringleader moved to the city about 10 years ago. They just nailed him last month." Casey looked disgusted. "I absolutely can believe it was a church. They're like breeding grounds for pedophiles. No offense." Stabler gritted his teeth. "Sunday school teachers. What an introduction to God." They watched the nameless faces scroll past in silence. So many kids, so much hurt. A child flashed past the screen–a little girl with glasses–and Casey blinked. "Stop," she said. Stabler stilled his scrolling and glanced back at the ADA, curious. "Go back." He dutifully scrolled back up the page until Casey stopped him again. She stared at the pixelated photo, sick to her stomach. A little white shirt, a Ramona Quimby-style bob, multicolored glasses. And the cutest nose–your nose. It wasn't you. Surely, it couldn't be you. You would have told her. But the child in the picture looked so much like you. And you had grown up in Tennessee. Going to a Baptist church. Casey cleared her throat, trying to disguise the shakiness in her voice. "Can you print that photo for me?" Stabler looked long and hard at Casey. "Yeah, why?" "Just print it. Please." Stabler handed Casey the printed photo, and she snatched it, folding it tightly and placing it in her pocket. "Thanks," she said, walking swiftly away with her fists clenched. Stabler watched her go, concerned. He made a mental note to mention it to Olivia. _____________________________________________________________ When Casey came through the door that night, you were curled up on the couch watching Parks & Recreation. "Bye, Bye, Little Sebastian" played in the background and you sang along absentmindedly, typing on your laptop. "Hey, love," you called. "I didn't feel like cooking. Want to order a pizza?" Casey set down her briefcase and walked slowly to you, heart pounding in her chest. She sat across from you and paused the show. You looked at her and frowned. She looked terrified. You had never seen her look so scared. You threw your laptop aside and took her hand. "Hey, what's wrong?" you asked. "You look like someone died." Your eyes grew wide. "Did someone die?" Casey took a shaky breath. "Sweetheart, I need to ask you something." Now, you were scared, too. What could Casey possibly need to ask you that made her this anxious? "Okay," you replied, your voice quiet. She took one of your hands in hers and traced circles on it. After an excruciating few minutes, she asked, "Did anything happen to you when you were a kid?" Your stomach dropped and you felt ice flood your veins. There was no way she could know. Nobody knew. "W-what do you mean?" "Were you..." Casey started, clearing her throat. "Were you... abused at all?" You felt panic rising in your chest, your throat constricting as it became harder and harder to take a breath. "Why are you asking me that?" you cried, your voice growing frantic. "Casey, why are you asking me that!?"

Tears threatened the corners of your eyes, and your body started rocking back and forth. You felt like you were suffocating. Casey held onto your hand even tighter, her own eyes glistening, as she pulled the folded paper from her pocket and handed it to you. Your hands shook as you opened it, and when you saw yourself on that page, everything inside you shattered all at once. "No, no, no, no, no!" you cried, grabbing your head in your hands and rocking more and more aggressively. All of a sudden you couldn't breathe. Just like you couldn't breathe in that Sunday school room. Just like you couldn't breathe with in front of that camera with the red blinking light. And the hands. So many hands touching you, all over you. You coughed and retched, wrapping your arms around yourself. Your pupils darted back and forth, overtaking the rest of your eyes. And somehow you were back there, back in that room. The black carpet with the rainbow flecks. The smell of stale hymnals and men's sweat. The taste of the wintergreen mints they shoved in your mouth when they sent you back to your unwitting parents, masking the scent of vomit. You clenched your fists over your ears and slammed them into your head, grabbing your hair and pulling so hard a tuft came out.

Casey jumped up and grabbed your hands, trying to keep them away from your head. "Honey, don't do that," she pleaded, her voice breaking. "Please don't do that. I'm right here." She tried to wrap her arms around you, but you shoved her away. "Don't touch me!" You heard yourself screaming, as if from far away, as if you were sitting in the rafters of the Sunday school room, but no one could hear you. "No! Please, it hurts!" Tears streamed down your flaming face as you rocked back and forth, hyperventilating, tucked into the corner of the couch. You were as far away from Casey as you could get. Casey had dealt with a lot of victims. She'd been emotionally invested in a lot of victims. She cared deeply for and fought for so many victims. But you. You were hers. She felt like her heart was being physically ripped apart as she looked at your tiny, terrified form. In that moment, you were a mirror image of the scared little girl in the VHS still. Casey wiped her own tears away, trying to stay strong because you needed someone strong right now. God, she wanted to hold you. She wanted to scoop you up and protect you and tell you that it was okay, that she loved you, that she would never let anyone touch you again. But you wouldn't even let her close. "I'll be right back, sweetheart," Casey said, biting her lip as she looked at you, then jogging to the kitchen. It seemed like you couldn't even hear her. She thought you were having a flashback, but she didn't know how to help you out of it. She dialed Olivia's number and prayed to whatever powers there were in the universe that Olivia would pick up. "Benson."

"Oh, thank god," Casey exhaled.

"Casey? What's going on?"

"Do you know how to get someone out of a flashback?"

Olivia's voice deepened in concern. "Is this about that photo you got from Elliot?"

Casey paced back and forth, rubbing her forehead. "Yes. I don't have time to talk about it now. Do you know how to help with a flashback? Please."

"Uh..." Olivia started, clearly trying to provide information and make sure that Casey was okay. "Usually they need to be reminded of what's real and what's not."

"How?" Casey asked, trying to hide the desperation in her voice.

"Try engaging their senses. Something to shock them out of it. Ice, maybe. Or something with a strong smell."

"Okay, I got it," Casey said, sprinting to the bathroom.

"Casey, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll talk to you about it later, Olivia," Casey barked, more terse than she meant to be. "Gotta go."

Casey rummaged in the vanity, looking for a specific bottle of perfume. She gripped it tightly in her hand and ran back to the kitchen, grabbing a bag of frozen green beans out of the freezer.

Casey took a deep breath before returning to your corner of the couch, where you sat curled and shaking and sobbing. She reached out to hold your hand, then stopped herself, instead grabbing the bottle of perfume and spraying it around you.

"Hey," she said, tentatively. "Honey, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm here."

Your body shook uncontrollably, your eyes clamped shut.

"I'm gonna put this ice on you," Casey said. She wasn't sure you could hear her, but she wanted even your subconscious to know that she was there and doing everything she could to help you. She dropped the bag of green beans in your lap and you gasped, your head shooting up. You looked around frantically, and Casey grabbed at the chance to pull you out of the flashback. "Hey," she called. "Y/N, can you hear me?" You seemed to look both at her and past her at the same time. "Do you feel the cold? Honey, that's real. Can you smell my perfume? It's the one you like so much, the one that smells like pine trees. It's real."

You were confused, disoriented, but your frantic breathing was slowing down, and Casey took that as a sign it was working. "I'm right here, sweetheart, okay?" Her voice broke. She was dying to hold you, but she still wasn't sure you'd let her, and she didn't want to make it worse. "I'm right here with you. I love you, and I'm real. We're in our apartment, and that's real. Those men who hurt you, they're not real anymore." You kneaded the bag of green beans in your hands, still rocking, but less aggressively. Your vision was coming back into focus, the overlap of past and present becoming less confusing and overwhelming. You were finally able to look at Casey and see her. You looked into her eyes and a rush of shame poured over you. She looked terrified. Her face was streaked with tears. You didn't know if she was scared of you or scared for you, but either way you felt sick to have scared her.

Your face screwed up in tears and you looked away, burying your head in your hands. "I'm sorry, Casey," you cried. "I'm so sorry."

She surged toward you, her hands stopping inches short of your skin. "It's okay, Y/N, it's okay. I'm right here. Can I touch you?"

You nodded, but you still couldn't bring yourself to look at her.

Casey scooped you into her lap like a child, wrapping her arms protectively around you and cradling your head next to hers.

"I'm sorry, Casey," you said again and again, anxiety and panic and exhaustion giving way to pure shame as you grasped her shirt and wept. "I'm sorry."

Casey had tried. She had tried to hold it together for you, but seeing you so broken, hearing you apologize to her for this horrific thing that had happened to you–it broke her, too. Her tears came all at once. "You don't need to be sorry, honey," she told you, pressing her forehead to yours, your tears mingling. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

You let out a shaky laugh, wiping snot from your nose. "You're like three years older than me."

She kissed the side of your head over and over, smoothing your wrecked hair and holding you as tight as she could. "You're safe now, Y/N," she said, for both of you, like a mantra. "I will always keep you safe. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

You buried your head under Casey's, making yourself small.

She rubbed your back, breathing slowly and rhythmically. You didn't notice, but yours followed.

Neither of you knew how long you sat like that, but after a while Casey asked, "Am I holding you too tight?"

You shook your head, snaking your arms around her waist. "No. Please don't let go."

"Never," she whispered, her breath hot on your cheek.

[m1ss-n0mer]

Currently thinking about the DoA.

Nobody in that organisation had the same goals. Fukuchi wanted to end a war, Fyodor wanted to further whatever the fuck he's doing, Nikolai hoped that the organisation would bring him closer to freedom. Sigma wanted a home. Bram never wanted to be there in the first place, as far as we know.

They were all just people who were alone who ended up together, but unlike the ADA, they're only there to use each other. They don't become close, a lot of them can relate to each other, but it doesn't help.

All organisations in bsd have a colour scheme, and the Decay's is white and purple.

Fyodor wore a white hat for the majority of his time with the DoA, while the other members all had white hair, maybe because he always intended to betray the organisation and was just disguising himself. He also played victim with Ace in season 3 only to outsmart him by the end of the episode.

Fukuchi wore the red-ish hunting dogs uniform, but used Amenogozen, which is sometimes shown to be purple and sometimes white, since he knew how terrible all the Decay were and was just using them like a weapon for what he believed was a good cause.

Nikolai wears mostly white, but a bit of black. He joined for selfish reasons, but in the beginning it was with what he considered good intentions; he wanted freedom, and didn't come to the conclusion that he needed to kill the guy who introduced him to the DoA in order to do that until later.

Bram never wanted to join. What we see of his outfit at that point is all black, but it's not until the sword is pulled out and he's free from the DoA that he has a full body and therefore full black attire.

Sigma almost entirely consists of white and purple, because, until Atsushi tries to save him, he has no loyalties besides the DoA; no intention of leaving.

But Nikolai defects and saves both himself and Sigma when Fyodor most likely intended for them to die, in order to kill him in Meursault. Sigma is ready to join the ADA if and when he gets the chance. Bram escapes with the help of Aya.

And then Fyodor abandons all pretense of being at all loyal to the DoA by killing Bram and Fukuchi, and then his new outfit (Bram's) is entirely black, and he's not wearing a white hat to cover up that he's not like the rest of them.

But none of them are entirely loyal, so what makes him different? I can't say for sure.

What I DO know, is that the DoA have ceased needing each other, so I think all the ones that are still alive are going to get a colour scheme change pretty soon. (Bram is too dead for that, but Fukuchi is Amenogozen now and Fyodor, as mentioned above, is wearing all black.)

So, for Nikolai, his past outfit was black and white, but primarily white. Also what it means for his character that a clothing change may or may not mean he gets rid of his jester persona is, uh, content for another post once I think about it more because I feel like that'll be Big.

And Sigma? Probably, he'll be wearing something more ADA adjacent (beige and possibly soft sunset tones, I believe) at some point soon.

Anyways yeah in conclusion the DoA was never a proper organisation, none of them cared for each other nor were they working towards the same goals, their needs just happened to align at some point. Also this is reflected in their character designs.

[navstuffs]

two weeks

Pairing: leon kennedy x gn!reader

Summary: "give me two weeks, you won't recognize her."

Warnings: songfic, SMUT SO MINORS DNI, sort sub!leon, confident reader

Author's Notes: if you know this song, you already know what's coming ;) this fanfic is also an ode to my queen fka twigs (so you can imagine the pressure i felt writing this lol). leon is also very lucky with me; first sade and now fka twigs? he is a lucky motherfucker man. enjoy your reading!

my leon's masterlist

"I know it hurts, you know I'd quench that thirst

(I can treat you better than her)

You say you're lonely, I say you'll think about it"

Like most things in your life, it doesn't start the "right" way. Yes, there is a date, but never a proper second or maybe third date, then a kiss. And at a particular stage of life, you didn't think you could seduce or date anyone. Even more so, your partner and friend Leon S. Kennedy. You had lost your touch or never really had one. And he was clearly in love with somebody else.

You had to hear about it occasionally if you decided to join him to drink. It bothered you more than it should, but you could do nothing about it.

And Leon Kennedy had the tendency to only "flirt" as a joke, anyway. 

The smiles, the flirty smiles in your direction. They started here and there, just a tiny detail you didn't think much of, figuring it was just Leon being Leon. Then, the flirting. As if you could call it flirting, the man straight invited you to dinner after you two almost died in the hands of a B.O.W.

Leon's priceless face, when you accept it, makes everything almost all worth it.

"Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover

Flying like a streamer, thinking of new ways to do each other"

Leon is unsure during dinner. You watch his eyes wander around the restaurant, never looking straight at your face. The menu has confusing names with food you have never heard of. Leon had chosen a fancy place he clearly never went, and also somewhere he wasn't comfortable. 

Later, after eating what you think was a snail with a weird tomato, you question why he brought you here. Leon mumbles he never thought you would accept it.

"Why?"

"I guess because you know...my situation."

"I know it hurts, you know I'd put you first

(I can fuck you better than her)"

Ada Wong? Oh, you knew their situation pretty well. You have heard more than once, actually: she and Leon seem to be connected to each other with a certain tension that never seems to die down over the years. This doesn't frighten you; you never ran away from a challenge. You preferred the harder ones anyway.

You wouldn't be stealing Leon from her since he was never his. And even if he was, it didn't matter.

"It doesn't really matter," You conclude, finishing your drink.

"Why not?"

"Because you could be mine at the end. We can't risk that."

The smile Leon gives you is all the answer you need.

"Feel your body closing, I can rip it open

Suck me up, I'm healing for the shit you're dealing"

You are bad, Leon realizes, really bad. It is the way you make him feel pleasure, the way look at him, fierce and daring, as if he is the only one for you. It makes him feel special, unique, like Ada never could. Not because she didn't want to but.

"Hey, eyes on me, Leon."

Your authoritative voice calls him back, and Leon feels a chill. He had only seen you concentrated like this during missions. Looking deadly and calm, Leon Kennedy is your target now. Leon shouldn't have invited you to his apartment, but he was curious. Curious to see how further you could actually go.

How you would make him yours.

It could be enough, Leon thinks, his hand pushing your head down into his hard cock. He likes to watch you suffocate and how good your lips are around his dick, your mouth wet and slippery, perfect for him.

After falling into bed, exhausted, Leon confesses, his face hidden by his sweaty hair.

"This...could work."

You smirk back. You could work with that.

"Smoke on your skin to get those pretty eyes rolling

My thighs are apart for when you're ready to breathe in"

You don't call Leon the next day. Or the other. He calls you on Monday night after a full day of behaving like nothing happened during the weekend as if you two remained just good co-workers.

He comes by your house, and you imagine he will want to finish everything. It would be typical of Leon to get afraid if someone got too close. Leon would apologize and argue it was all a mistake. His kiss as soon as you open the door silences your internal doubts. Leon Kennedy is there, and he wants you.

You take him to your bedroom, clothes falling on the way, and you ignore the little emotion you have when he looks so vulnerable under your palms. You suck him again because Leon Kennedy asks for it. It seems someone has gotten addicted to your mouth. 

"So good. Fuck."

You let him moan and tremble in your bed. A bed that you often imagined you would, one day, have Leon for yourself, just for you. His moans fill up the room, and you suspect you will never be able to sleep again without thinking about it.

"Suck me up, I'm healing for the shit you're dealing

High motherfucker, get your mouth open, you know you're mine"

You are at his house now, almost two weeks since this started. Leon has you under him, back against the mattress, legs spread apart. You look a mess, and he loves it. His hands rub your chest, giving your nipple a good squeeze, focusing on moving his hips against you. The way you liked. Oh yeah, Leon Kennedy, in less than two freaking weeks, knows precisely where to hit.

"Shit." He groans, his mouth open with his eyes semi-closed.

He looks sinful. If there was ever some God of sex around or a demon, Leon would be one of his forms used to seduce people. And he is trembling, shaking, panting because of you.

"Leon."

You must remind him to bring himself back and stop teasing you. He looks at you, and his blue eyes darken.

"What do you want? What do you need? You gotta tell me."

Oh, Leon, you think smiling. Still naive about whom exactly was in control there. He forgets sometimes you are as trained as he is. Taking him by surprise, you shift positions, sitting on top of him. Leon's dick goes further inside you, making you both groan.

"You forget Leon, I don't have much patience."

You watch as Leon Kennedy simply collapses in front of your eyes. It had been like this every night you had been together, Leon's expression changing to pure bliss. You think it was nice seeing him like this as you gently grab his face.

"Come on, you know what to do by now."

Leon licks his lips, moaning your name. He raises his hips up with ease, starting to meet your thrusts. You smile, victorious. After you both cum, bodies trembling, you can feel Leon examining your face as his warm hand rubs your cheek gently.

"We could do this if you still want me."

It is adorable how unsure he is still with himself, although his dick was buried deep inside you. As if you hadn't been banging your brains like crazy those last two weeks. But it is the first time he has been truly open.

You lick your lips, whispering.

"I know you aren't mine yet, but..."

"I want to be."

You look into his eyes, looking for any trace of insecurity from Leon. There was none, just the heavy stare of his confession. Leon reminded you of a younger version of himself, one you saw in a picture, his big blue eyes anxious and his face watching you. You knew you were in danger territory now: Leon was letting you in. 

"We could do this" Your voice sounds vulnerable and different from earlier. More emotional "It will be slow. We will take our time. No rush."

"Yes."

Leon Kennedy opens a smile that has you hide your face on his neck. You want more, much more, but for now, this is enough.

[tamberrio]

Do you guys see my vision do you

Nerdy thoughts about characters and the world in the au under the cut (Slight spoilers for plot of both BSD and Reverse:1999 I guess?)

ok ok so:

Dazai is the Time Keeper and works at the St. Pavlov Foundation. The ADA would basically be the small branch of the Foundation that Vertin oversees in the actual story. To that end, I can snag a couple character rolls for the BSD characters.

Dazai is Vertin, obviously. He was just as rebellious as a kid as she was, and made friends with the outside world (Oda) only to watch them die to the storm. So now the Foundation makes him go to the different time periods and collect data on why he and his suitcase are immune. Since I know Vertin is like 16 in the game, I thought I should age everyone down just slightly to fit that teenagers-doing-dangerous-things-that-should-be-left-to-adults vibe, so now he is 18 when he finds Atsushi, who is 14.

Kunikida would probably play a Sonnetto role, being the studious type who tries to follow all the rules and make sure the Time Keeper stays on track.

Yosano would probably be best suited as a Doctor in the Foundation but is saved strictly for the ADA’s branch. Probably a Medicine Pocket type of character? I actually have a draft of her where I take heavy inspiration from X’s butterfly scarf thing because thematically I think it’s perfect. I don’t know if she would exactly fit Mesmer Jr.’s role, since it includes a betrayal against Vertin along with Dubious medical practices within her family. Although the dubious medical practices thing could fit well, I don’t think the betrayal really suits her character in that regard.

Ranpo wouldn’t be an arcanist, but we have actual human characters in the story who are playable (like Ezra is human I believe), so he could use his deduction skills that way. They’d probably try to keep him away from the front lines when possible, so as not to risk him if the storm appears.

Thematically, Atsushi would be Regulus, since she’s the first to be found by Vertin in the actual story. Otherwise, Atsushi would be completely different in terms of backstory. It’s hard to tell in these sketches, but I tried to give him a coat similar to Regulus but not recognizable as such. He’d be a Beast Aflatus, obviously. Arcanists are very much discriminated against in the actual story, so that would fit really well with him. I figured Atsushi could be immune to the storm too, since his tiger has the power to cut through abilities, similar to how Dazai can nullify them.

Ango would be Madam Z, because of his strenuous relationship with the Time Keeper due to past betrayals, and his want to keep the Time Keeper out of harms way. Mori could be his direct supervisor for a time, and Ango can be complicit in the “trap” made for Dazai to get him to be more agreeable. He’d help reduce the influence the Foundation has on the Time Keeper’s decisions. Fukuzawa could be good for this role of “overlooking the team” as well.

As for the Foundation itself, I think it would be a mix of the government and the port mafia, while having Manus Vindictae be the Decay of Angels/Rats (Fyodor would make a really good villain in that regard). Although it’s hard to picture some of the port mafia members working at the Foundation, I can still pick and choose who goes where.

Every other character probably wouldn’t have a direct comparison, but that’s what I have so far. This is probably WAY easier to follow if you know the plot of Reverse: 1999 but I’ll come up with a more comprehensive doc later.

[briefpeachdinosaur]

dazai and flirting

NSFW Minors do not interact. Mention of suicide ( It's dazai ) And this is just an Observation of how dazai flirts with women, why and when.

It's your girl Mina Posting I'm nervous-

•I know it seems silly But when dazai flirts most of the time and what we have seen so far, is that he always wants something from the women he flirts with.

• It is either related to go and Do a double suicide with him or that he Plans something ahead already.

•for example when higuchi was there for the first time, he flirted because he noticed there was something wrong and decided to spy on her. And he was right.

• or with the nurse, I know there is a big discussion how he and the nurse must have had Sex but I think he was A too injured to do it ( without him being hurted ) and B it didn't (at least for me) came across like they did it lol.

• Anyways I think he used his charm on her to get his Phone so he could do a call.

•LMAO he always becomes a Poet when he flirts LOL.

• He ALWAYS makes poems.

• dazai knows how to Deal with women.

• he is skilled in flirting lets not forget that he does has one night stands (comformed by chuuya)

• but I do believe that he respects women.

• he never flirts or ask for a double suicide with yosano or any of the women in his work place, I think it Shows how much he respects them.

• (I'm also not saying he dosen't respect women whom he ask to take there lifes with him btw)

•( if he would offer ME a double suicide bye guys i would have said yes)

• but we are all like this that we have extra respect for some and not for some others.

• if however he ask a women to make a double suicide with him and they turn him down he dosen't pressure him. He might be like " but a double suicide dosen't work alone Belladonna " but let go after that. ( as we saw with him and the waitress lol)

• I also think he notice If a women is not into him in that way he'll not pressure her or try to Manipulate her into doing smt she Dosen't want to.

•I think he notice right away if she is into him or not.

• so like he walkes into a Bar and sees how a women looks at him he knows.

•when he Talks to her he knows if she really wants to or not.

• i think he is the typ of guy who likes someone who really wants to sleep with him just like how he wants to sleep with them.

•I think if he sees a women being harrased he probaly do something. He is not an ass just a big tease who likes to annoy people.

•i also don't think he would try his shoot to them after helping them ( he isn't an idiot as we all know he is super smart)

• i think he has a normal Sex drive.

•now lets go to the suicidal part.

• I think we all overlook how it is very selfish and greedy from him to want a women to take her life with him.

•he is basiclly asking to throw her life away for him and her future with that. I think if she changed her mind he be like : what serious ?

• I think he would let a big shign pass his mouth and be like : well It's your choice after all...

•tbh I think he, deep down, he know he can't die bc he promised oda that he will do something that will help people around him.

•I think dazai has a big disconnetion to himself, aka his feelings and the World and humans in generell.

•I think thats why he dosen't see a good point in living cuz he is so disconnected from the World and he Dosen't understand why or perhaps Dosen't even know.

• not to mention the mafia really messed with him and his moralitys. I know he himself is already messed up but imagine he grew up in the ADA like ranpo.

•I'm quit sure he would have been a bit different then.

• Perhaps deep down he dosen't wants to Die but he sees this as the only chance to something better. To be free from all this pain he dosen't even get.

• Dazai dosen't realize that the people he cares for also care for him equally.

• but have you noticed whenever he tried to end his life it was bc he Planed smt ahead ALL THE TIME ( ok maybe almost all the time)

• idk if it was intentional but when he jumped into that Lake he met Tiger boy remembere ?

• Or how he was there durning the investigation of the death of that women where he told Tiger boy that ranpo dosen't has an ability acually.

• now this was intensional, when he, like I said, ask higuchi to kill hersef with him.

• or why he was so overly friendly with Nobuko Sasaki.

(I read that sasaki was more dangerous in the manga )

• He KNEW there was smt wrong

• Poor kunikida tho...

[crest-fallen-0]

Ok this is a bit insane so hear me out but -BSD fandom. I’ve always had this hc of Dazai’s inhumanity, one which is very unpopular. For years. But hear me out, it’s what makes him so compelling.

Inter-dimensionality is something that BSD interacts with frequently. There is a consistent reappearance of reality’s moldability in a meta way, making the reader a literal part of the plot. “The book” is the literal text of BSD.

If the book exists as more than a janky mechanic within the story, then there is some level of shallowness and distortion about their world. Things like death aren’t always permanent, premonition and uncanny future telling are possible, and the concept of the book implies the existence of a destiny in the plot, (or a predetermined outcome), sometimes paradoxically. What is written will happen, and what will happen will be written. The concept of time and of consequence literally exist as an object within this universe. ‘Fate’ or ‘destiny’ can be physically held.

Dazai has been criticized for always knowing things, for having an unreasonable level of foresight about the plot. This is usually attributed to his smarts, but it goes a bit beyond that, and beyond pattern recognition. A good way to see this is to compare him to Ranpo. The two seem to be operating with different tools. Ranpo is almost a little unsettled by Dazai (and Fyodor).

Dazai shows a level of emotional premonition and mastering of reality that’s freaky.

My theory is that this “plot armor” is an actual type of tool used by characters within the story, is their sort of connection with the fabric of the shallow universe (or the pages of the book). This is another layer of interaction with reality that Dazai especially (although sometimes others) have.

Add this to Dazai’s character traits, especially in the manga. He sort of deftly moves the pieces, and we get the sense that this is purposeful. He doesn’t seem to ostensibly do anything besides make outrageous plans which always work, he cannot fight reliably nor really deduce well on the spot (or he never does this out loud), yet, whenever he is around, everything sort of peacefully moves where it should. He has to be forcefully removed from the plot in order to cause the maximum amount of drama in more arcs than not. I think we’re supposed to believe that Fyodor (who is the only one approaching Dazai in this otherworldly aura), against the ADA (without Dazai) would win, and Dazai against the DOA (without Fyodor) would win. Ranpo can see things, but he is ultimately sort of helpless to this progression, whereas Dazai and Fyodor sit above. Everything is in their game of chess.

I believe Dazai is also emotionally unrealistic for a human portrayal, and this is where I’m gonna get flayed, especially because I don’t have the space to go into every detail (maybe later). He seems emotionally distanced from every but a select few characters. His relationship with Atsushi feels a bit groomy (as in the creation of a tool rather than sexually).

I feel Dazai is fundamentally bored. He is a character, despite all of his control, of unfulfilled desire. He wants to die, he desires it in his pursuit of pleasure, but he cannot, in an unsettlingly supernatural way (when removed from the bit). He says, “Everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it.”

He is ultimately active, and acting (in a fundamental sense), but he wants to be acted upon. He enjoys being yelled at, causing anger, he seems to preen under fury, he likes to flirt with the edge, and it never seems to quite take him. His plans are outrageous because they always seem to deliver him into the arms of death, just from something to pull him away at the last minute (often Chuuya) .

Anyways, don’t murder me, just scroll pls TT.

[lains-reality]

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.”[source]

please give yourself the grace of forgetting, of being sad, of failing, of fearing. you are allowed to. all is Self. you are okay now and here.

allow yourself to look at the insecurities, shame, guilt and fears.

give yourself the chance to respond, not react.

let vanessa be. vanessa is just a person like anyone else. thinks they are born and will die. every vanessa, no matter how well off they are, is scared shitless. but you treat your vanessa so badly.

you hate it. you want it gone. you see the body and mind as a cage without a key. it hurts. you curse it and nothing changes. you try to convince it and nothing changes. you curse it more.

It is not a matter of enduring, it is a matter of you being so crude to Vanessa, and expecting so much of her when she has no power. Do you feel the same way about the homeless man on the street corner? Do you constantly chastise him in your head, blame him for his circumstances? Even if you are the kind of person to judge based on appearances, you do for a moment and move on with your life. That's because you never thought he was you so how could you feel pain on his behalf? You may do the opposite and feel bad for his situation for a bit, but you still leave the matter alone as he's none of your business and you have your own things to worry about. - post source

vanessa is doing the best it can. it sings, dances, loves! it bleeds, it shudders, it hurts. all is the wide expression of Self.

and yet you hide from the pain, from the hurt, from the thoughts, the feelings. this is not the fullness of Self.

forgive yourself. let go of the shame and guilt. stop shaming vanessa for exsiting just like any other person in the street. stop carrying all responsibilities of the world. it's already taken care of.

you breathe with no help, you shit with no help, you eat with no help, you sleep with no help. and even if you do need help, the inability to do so, happens without your help. your amazon package comes through, your sibling grows 2 cm, the sun rises and falls, the seasons pass by. all by itself. what's orchestrating it all? Self. what other reason have we given ourself the world, other than out of love?

Leave poor Vanessa alone and stop assigning her the responsibility and accountability of everything that the dream shows. The entire dream is all an expression of the Infinite Being, not hers (the ego) which she is just one more creation of. And it doesn't have to be your (the Self's/I AM's) dream anymore when you stop identifying with it. - post source

its already out of vanessa's hands. vanessa can't do anything. let that be a celebration: all is taken care of. unconditonally.

"why is it all taken care of?"

"why not!"

"but why should *i* get the world?"

"why not?"

"but-"

its already all here for you. its already as it is. what is vanessa gonna do to change the infinte? why would the infinite need changing anyway?

Treat it with compassion, stop bullying it, it's not its fault you're not where you should be. You think he's in the way so you get mad, you get frustrated it's not following instructions or refuses to step aside. But the ego is not the problem, nor in the way. Your attitude toward it is the problem. Let it be, it doesn't know any better! - post source

give yourself the permission to exist as you are. give yourself permission to be as you are, right now. start asking 'did i give permission for this?' you'll find how much stuff is not even your choice. as ada said its just tolerance and endurance of the forced vanessa.

now you realise you don't have to be a forced vanessa. so you go completely the other direction and try to (forcefully) change the vanessa. you're still holding up standards, ideas & roles to yourself. the things that made you hate vanessa in the first place. just maybe, for this moment hold nothing. drop the knife.

“Stop trying to heal yourself, fix yourself, even awaken yourself. Let go of letting go. Stop trying to fast-forward the movie of your life. It gets so exhausting, doesn’t it, always trying to get there, chasing futures that never seem to arrive, living on second-hand promises. Instead, bow deeply to yourself as you actually are. Be here. Honour this present scene in the movie. Your pain, your sorrow, your doubts, your deepest longings, your fearful thoughts, are not mistakes, and they aren’t asking to be healed. They are asking to be held. Here, now, lightly, in the loving arms of present awareness…” — Jeff Foster

[sl-newsie]

American Woman (Thomas Shelby x American OC) Ch. 57: Let Myself Be Happy

Masterlist: https://www.tumblr.com/sl-newsie/739551758747090944/american-woman-thomas-shelby-x-american-oc?source=share

Tonight I gather up any last-minute supplies from the empty office. What else will I need to conduct business back home?

I walk past Thomas’ office and am surprised to find Thomas hunched over his desk. Um, what am I supposed to do now? Maybe he didn’t hear me-

“Here- Come here. Please.”

Too late. I take a breath and obey him to stand next to his desk. The entire time Thomas keeps his eyes directed at me. 

“I’m so sorry about Arthur. I don’t know what words can help-”

“I don’t need words,” Thomas whispers and holds out a hand to reach for me. “I just need serenity.”

I could give that to him… Just like before I left last time. Before he went back to buying love. Is… Is that what I’ve become? No, I am not his usual lady of the night. But I am still someone on his payroll whom he has not mentioned any word of love to. No. I am not going to give him my comfort so easily anymore.

“I’m afraid not,” I murmur and set more distance between us. Thomas looks like I just drove a knife through his heart, but I bury my feelings and push on. “I promise that my family will help keep Ada and Michael safe. There’s no war for us over there.”

Suddenly Thomas gets a new gleam in his eye. “No war… You just gave me a brilliant idea.”

He jumps up and starts pacing. Uh-oh. I know that look. It means he’s cooking up another scheme.

I raise an eyebrow. “Pray tell?”

Thomas shakes his head and heads to the phone. “Sorry. I need to keep this private right now, just in case. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” I start to slink away but he calls out again. “Oh. And tell Liam I need to meet with him.”

I stop dead in my tracks. “Liam? What do you possibly want-?”

“Overseas connection, please.” Thomas ignores me and speaks to the operator. “USA.”

I’ve got a strange feeling about this.

The sight of another Gypsy funeral wagon is too drearily familiar. Too soon. This family has had its share of death a thousand times over. It’s almost too ritual to be real. Everyone wears the same black attire and the same somber faces. Everything seems the same- Except for the approaching woman waving the white flag. 

Liam’s eyes narrow and he grips my hand tighter. “Time to go, Verena.”

“But-!”

“No. This is Shelby’s business. Not yours.”

He takes me back to the house and all but shuts me off in the kitchen. Is he serious? Liam must be taking a page out of Thomas’ book. He can’t just show up out of the blue and take over my job! All I can do is wait behind the door and try to listen to the muffled voices in the other room. What in the blazes-?

“Oh!” 

The kitchen door opens and I nearly fall into Finn.

“What happened? Please tell me something!”

Finn runs a hand through his hair. “That meeting I just came from was about the vendetta. They won’t stop until they take everything. If we don’t agree, we all die.”

Oh. There’s no room for negotiation. 

“Could we-?”

“If you have questions, go to Thomas.”

Finn walks off, leaving me baffled at his bluntness. Alright, then. I will. Um- Where did Thomas go?

“Liam!” I shout. “Broer! Liam! Am I ungrounded?”

No answer. Where is everybody? It’s like the meeting ended and everyone scattered! Well, I am not waiting around for more surprises.

I bundle up in my coat and jump in the car. I floor it and drive straight to the office, not even bothering to apologize for barging through the front door. I walk straight into Thomas’ room and spot him sitting with Polly. What are all those papers for?

“Thomas, what’s going on?” I demand. “Finn told me-”

Thud!

The door opens again and Lizzie storms in behind me.

Thomas looks between her and I. “You don’t knock?”

Lizzie ignores him and crosses her arms. “You don’t know my new address?”

Polly tries to smile. “Hello, Lizzie. How are you?”

Lizzie is not convinced. I'm not cooled off either.

Thomas sighs. “I know your address Lizzie because it was me who bought you the new fucking house.”

Her eyes flash. “Then why don’t you visit it?”

Thomas takes his time to shuffle some files. “I’ve been busy.”

Lizzie scoffs. “Busy doing what? Talking with her?” She points to me.

Polly holds her hand up to quiet her. “Preparing for tomorrow.”

The tall woman rolls her eyes. “What’s tomorrow?”

“Luca Changretta is coming to Birmingham,” Thomas announces. “It’s our turn.”

“He’s already taken over Alfie Solomons, Sabibi, the Titanics, all of them.”

Thomas writes more notes. “And now he’s coming to take control of Shelby Company Limited.”

Lizzie gives me another look and then lights a cigarette. “What are we going to do?”

“We’re gonna let him have it,” Thomas simply replies.

My heart sinks. “No. You can’t mean-”

“Why the fuck are you still here?” Lizzie barks.

Thomas and Polly talk over each other to defend me but I make my voice perfectly clear.

“Believe me, I want myself to leave just as much as you do,” I sneer at her. “But for the moment I am stuck here with my broer.”

“Go back to your own fucking country!” She hisses.

Polly gasps. “Lizzie!”

“No! She has nothing to do with this!”

“Actually, she does,” Thomas says and stands up to put a protective hand on my shoulder. “As much as Verena’s Irish side hates the Italians, I had her brother Liam reach out to Mr. Capone. To arrange something against Luca.”

Liam? Talking with the Italians? It- He- Thomas put him up to this? I stay frozen, staring at the cutter of papers littering the table. All these plans… And even my own broer knows more than me. Has he told Uncle Colon? Moeder or vader? 

“Verena, go back to the house,” Polly murmurs comfortingly. “You’ve done plenty. We promise everything will work out.”

Everything will… I don’t know what to think anymore. One minute I’m screaming my head off at Thomas’ thickheadedness, the next I’m left speechless to wonder what would have happened if I’d never come to Birmingham. 

Without a word I quietly exit the room despite Lizzie’s still-burning gaze. So much for staying out of this. I talked my family out of a vendetta only for Liam to jump in head-first. Such a shame that Changretta will more than likely face the business end of Thomas’ gun. If it weren’t for the sour terms he was actually a well-mannered man, for a mobster. 

“Hey, Verena!”

Outside the office I spot Bonnie leaning against the lamppost with Harry and some other Blinders. Good. I need to be around someone who won’t use me or keep me in the dark.

“Hello, Bonnie,” I greet softly, still dazed. “Keeping watch, I imagine?”

The dark-eyed Gypsy tips his hat. “That we are. By the way, we just left your brother waiting back at Watery Lane, if you’re looking for him.”

My eyes narrow. “I am, actually. And there is also something I need to tell you as well.” I take a breath. “I am planning to travel back to America, Bonnie.”

The news brings sadness to his eyes but I can already tell Bonnie understands my decision; why I need to do this. The other Peaky Blinders take the time to inch away and look at the ground. Bonnie, however, is not afraid to speak.

“I’ll write to you,” he says with an encouraging smile. “Promise me you’ll try to find a way to let yourself be happy.”

That does sound grand. But it’s not going to be easy when the one who makes me happy will be marrying another woman. Again.

The next day I officially start to pack. I dust off my trunk and neatly fold my winter clothes. Stockings, sweaters, my new coat. Lord. It must cost more than any of the clothes in our house! Oma is going to go crazy when she sees it!

“Veena?” Charlie pokes his head in the doorway. “Where are you going?”

Leaving this sweet boy is my only regret. Does Lizzie have enough love in her heart to give him? Will he bond well with his new sister?

“I need to go back to my thuis, Charlie. My home. I’m afraid I can’t say when I’ll be back.” If I’ll be back. “But I promise to write to you. Have you been reading the books I gave you?”

He nods eagerly. “Yeah!”

Just like Finn. I can’t let Charlie get too worked up over my departure.

“How about we get you a biscuit, eh?” 

I take his small hand and we head to the kitchen. Surprisingly, Thomas is still here. I don’t know when today’s arrangement is taking place but I will make a great effort to stay planted right here. My fleeting chat with Changretta left my nerves racing, so a meeting full of Italian crime members is something that will surely leave my head spinning.  

Thomas doesn’t even look up when Charlie leads me past him. I hand Charlie a cookie and turn to face the silent gangster. 

“I’m staying here today. Please believe me, my heart is with you and the others.” I can’t ignore my shaking hand and a touch of fear slips into my voice. “But I’m not going to face those men-”

“Easy, love.” Thomas reaches over to squeeze my hand. “‘S alright. I understand. Those men won’t harm you, I promise. You’re going to stay hidden until Arthur takes his shot.”

I nearly drop the cookie jar. “Wha-? Arthur?!”

“Shush! Shush.” Thomas holds a hand up to quiet me. “Yes. He is alive. We couldn’t tell you because we had to keep it secret.”

I feel my body beginning to break down. In a fit of shakes my lip trembles. “You trust me to watch Charlie but not with this?”

Thomas’ face falls and he tries to come closer. “Love-”

“No. No.”

I step back against the counter and keep from shouting in front of Charlie. Does Thomas think that just because Lizzie’s pregnant that I will still be the same? How can he expect me to give comfort when it’s obvious that he should be seeking out her? I am not going to turn over a new leaf just to amuse him!

“I waited to tell you but I will tell you right now. I am going back home.” I reach across the counter and hand him the file I’ve prepared. “I typed these up. They are alterations to my contract. I will continue doing business with Ada in America. Maybe other places too. Anywhere but here.”

I don’t need to elaborate why. He knows why. While Charlie happily munches on the cookie Thomas looks between him and I with hopeless regret in his eyes. I may be partially at fault for delaying to tell him how I feel, but he knows exactly what he did to make me leave. I will not be the other woman.

Thomas speaks so softly it’s almost hard to make out. “I’m sorry.”

I make an effort to create space between us and move Charlie along. “You have too many things to be sorry for. Your apology to me is only one of many that you need to make.”

I don’t need to tell you I love you anymore. I still do, but you don’t deserve to hear it.

@meadows5

[yiminsuu]

No Control

Pairing: Leon S. Kennedy x F!Reader

Warnings: Sexual themes (+18), dubious consent, unprotected sex, (semi) public sex, breeding, some fluff and angst, La Plaga acts like an aphrodisiac, mutual pining, reader and Leon are bad at communication.

Author’s Note: People don't know how invested I am in the Resident Evil games right now, if I loved the original games you can imagine how much I adore the remakes. Also, I've been having the most horrid of writing blocks in existence, I had this draft for 2 months! 2 MONTHS!!

Roaming around the castle with, apparently, no exit, is frustrating and even more so when you think your friend can't be as dumb as people think she is, but here we are, Ashley has gone missing once more and I'm stuck with Leon, who is sick with La Plaga and refuses to take a minute to regain strength by resting. My worries grow the more we proceed, and it seems he is obsessed with taking all the hits to himself, even though I can use a gun. I'm not the one the government is looking for, I know very well no one is looking for me, and if Leon hadn't found me I wouldn't be alive to see Ashley or, for lack of better words, to see her running around the castle to supposedly keep us safe.

"Are you sure you are alright?" I spoke, receiving a glance from Leon as we make our way through a corridor. "I should be the one asking you that, that knife stab was not pretty." I refuse to let myself be the damsel in distress, and I admit I can do many things if you give me a weapon, but in the last attack we were surrounded by the monks. The excruciating pain came as a shock, I couldn't move and my scream must have made Leon panic because his attention went immediately to me and the wound on my shoulder. "Do you need me to change the bandage?" I shook my head and lowered my gaze, letting the silence invade the space. I don't know if he can feel the tension, but dammit, ever since this Ada appeared out of nowhere there was this tightness in the air I couldn't quite grasp. I'm afraid Leon isn't as talkative as he was a few hours ago and I wonder why, he makes sure I'm protected even if I don't need it... Most of the time... And he refuses to make eye contact. Perhaps I did or said something he didn't like but I don't really see him as the type to hold a grudge against something like that, Leon doesn't believe it, but he literally is an angel.

Suddenly, Leon halts all of his movements and holds his head tightly in his hands, grunting in pain as he fell to his knees. We need to get to a safer area, La Plaga surely is a son of bitch to deal with. I placed his arm around my neck and helped him to move before someone sees us, clenching my gun in rising stress. "(Y/N)..." He muttered my name in a very low tone, he's completely out of it. I took Leon for as long as I could before he let himself fall to his knees again, his back hitting the wall abruptly. "Leon? Hey, stay with me. I'll give you some medicine and I'll go look for Ashley." As soon as I said that, his pained expression was gone, replaced by an alarmed one. "You can't go on your own...!"

"We have to save Ashley, and you are too weak because of the virus. I'll be fast." Leon's hand grabbed my arm harshly, and I'm sure it was going to leave a mark soon. In reality, he looked a lot sicker than I thought he would, his eyes were changing to red little by little, and even like this, he refused to look at me. "I don't..." He whispered, I furrowed my brows in concern. "Want you to die..." I once wondered why he seemed closed off, so serious and quiet, his kind demeanor quickly rushed away those thoughts but this surely answered many questions I couldn't ask him for obvious reasons. 

I sighed deeply, sitting next to him and doing my best to calm down as he laid his head on my shoulder. We're not safe anywhere, so once someone finds us it will be game over, strangely, we haven't seen any enemy for the past 40 minutes.

Time goes by and we rest as much as we can in the lone room, I would occasionally touch Leon's head hoping he hasn't caught a fever, unfortunately, he was starting to burn up and I know it wasn't from walking under the cold rain. I kneel away and gain an unhearable mumble from the man, and checking on him closely, I see his rapidly rising chest, reddened cheeks, and hair disheveled from the short nap. "What is it doing to you?" I questioned confused, and slightly panicked when Leon opened his eyes to stare at me, pupils dilated and red with something I couldn't identify. "Leon...?" Slowly, he moved his legs apart and set down the shotgun, my eyes widened.

The bulge in his pants was massive. 

A whimper escaped from my lips before I recomposed myself, is this one of the side effects of La Plaga?

Leon looked embarrassed beyond belief, trying to hide his face as much as possible. "I want to touch you." He started. "I need to... You have to get away." Leon... Wants to touch me? 

No. This is not Leon, it's La Plaga speaking and messing with his body and mind, I have to find Luis as soon as possible and destroy the virus. "Hang in there." With that, I immediately ran away, but my heartbeat increased when the sound of footsteps caught up to me, crying loudly when two arms elevated me from behind. "Leon! Let me go--!" Before I know it, Leon lowered us, pressing my body onto the ground as his weight settles over my back. A groan escaped my lips, ready to grab my gun just to be swiftly incapacitated by the agent. "Leon...!"

"Quiet." Eyes widening at the deep sound of his voice, I noticed his breathing worsening the more he let the parasite take control. His hands shook and he slowly held up my leg to allow me to turn around, out of sympathy for someone I consider a friend, I stared into Leon's eyes. The sight broke my heart, he looked aroused, confused, a flushing mess of a guy that has an idea of what is about to happen. His brows furrowed the more tightly he grabbed on my clothing, just to have it ripped within a second, my only undergarments being my panties. I couldn't help but shiver from the cold surroundings. Leon bit his lip and glared at his own impotence to control the parasite, his firm, calloused fingers caress a smooth path along my skin before gently spreading my legs.

"It's okay..." Leon looked at me, bewildered at my words. If there was no way of escaping this, then at least we can make each other feel better somehow. "Just... Do what you have to do. I-I'll be fine..." 

Leon closed his eyes slowly and with a shaky breath, his knife sliced my last remaining decency and he cupped my cunt, both of us became acutely aware of just how wet I am. It would be a lie to claim Leon is not good-looking, a good guy, and perhaps I'm the bad one because I found myself daydreaming of him like this. The touch felt heated, the pressure is delicious, and I can’t help but push my hips up, seeking more contact, more friction, just more of Leon... But his hand is already moving away. The tip of one finger slides a line to my clit, and my whole body jolts at the electric contact, his nervous pants are hot as he made slow, precise circles over and over on my clit. Then his hand dips lower, sinking two thick fingers into me. It punches the air out of me, leaving only an ache, my mind feels raw around the edges, fuzzy with the sharp spike of heat spearing through me. 

I know what he's doing, Leon doesn't want to hurt me, but he's letting it harm him the more he tries to restrain it. He pulled his hand away, it’s like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head, I watch him through half-lidded eyes, breath panting as my lungs squeeze painfully tight in my chest. I heard the sound of a belt amongst our hard breathing, he sounded relieved for a second. I shivered when I felt his tip pressing against my hole, Leon holds himself there, and I spasm in place while the wait becomes excruciating. I don’t know what he’s doing until I hear the inhale of a breath.

"I'm sorry..."

Then I feel everything, pain, pleasure, warmth, the sensation of being filled without mercy. I moaned, his hand firm on my waist as he pins me down. His jaw tenses, watching himself slide out me slowly, waiting for some type of signal that would mean he can and should stop, but nothing comes, in fact, it makes it worse. Leon is looming above me, wrapping one hand around his slick cock, wet with pre-come dripping from the flushed tip. "Fuck..." He muttered, yanking me even closer toward him and notching the tip of his cock at my entrance. I braced myself for penetration, anticipating the stretch of him with a pathetic whimper.

The first slide as he filled me up again with his cock is fucking heaven, a sweet aching stretch that sends pleasure singing out along my every nerve. My thighs tremble, my body arching against him without any input from me, clenching down around his girth while my vision flickered. Leon groaned shamefully, he sounded desperate the faster he moved, I swear I can see fucking stars. He doesn’t stop, he can't, he thrusts himself into me with harsh, deep thrusts and pleasure spreads up my stomach, twining along my legs, and I can feel my orgasm building already.

My breath comes out as a sob, tears stinging my eyes as my cunt clenched and squeezed around the hardness of his cock, twitching and jerking in response. A hand rested against my cheek, it didn't slow Leon's motions, but it was the softest response I had from him since this whole ordeal started. I placed my hand on his in response to his concern, and those beautiful eyes of his slammed shut, biting out a curse. 

If this wasn't caused by a lethal virus I would be happy to think he feels the same way, but shit... Even if this is only to aid him a little I don’t mind being a cum bucket for a few hours. Muscles contract and clutch down in a way that's beyond my control when I'm rewarded with more deep thrusts. My eyes widened when he touched my cervix, making me whimper loudly. "L-Leon!!" It’s maddening, pleasure shoots through my entire being before rolling my eyes back and cumming around his cock...

He doesn't stop, Leon doesn't stop-- Fuck! He's not stopping!

I try to push him away from me, but it's all for naught as he relentlessly thrusts himself into me. "Almost, I'm almost there..." He spoke, his skin slapping against mine with no signs of stopping soon. Fucking liar, trying to make me feel better when we know it feels like we're both going to die. "Look at me, (Y/N)... Don't close your eyes." Slowly but surely, I indulged, and all I can see is his eyes burning into me, pupils blown so wide that they were almost pitch black. Leon's intense gaze fixed on me is like I'm the only thing that exists to him, I want him to stop, but I'm too far gone to say any word.

We're stripped of thinking at this point, Leon is going feral little by little and he's not letting me go, I doubt he will try to control La Plaga again. I screamed whenever he would hit my cervix, unable to close my mouth if only for shame, but I'm blissed out of my mind and overstimulated. I met his dark gaze, finding his eyes on my body once more, maybe he hasn't stopped staring at all. "Stop-- F-Fuck! Staring--!" I choked on a moan, it was barely coherent, but somehow I managed to get the words out. With a startled yell, I was pulled to his lap and sighed in relief at the change of position. "Better?" Leon whispered into my ear, once I nodded, he began thrusting as if he has the stamina to last a lifetime.

My hands clenched on his shirt, mentally cursing again and again at how perfectly he fills me, he's hitting every right spot. Leon puts a hand across my hair, his eyes softening and planting small kisses on my shoulder and neck to calm me down, repeating that he'll be over soon, that he's sorry. The sweet burning ache builds immediately, deep and consuming, the blissful pleasure swirls tight and insistent somewhere deep in my belly. I can't recognize any more words outside of my own, but Leon's voice is gentle, the softness is in direct contrast to the way I'm crying and begging. I reached up and tangled my hand in his hair, drawing him closer so I can kiss him.

Leon's arms come around me as his hips thrust up, a small cry coming out of my mouth as he licked my lips. He groaned, hips adjusting his angle, arms pulling me down greedily so I can meet his non-stopping strikes, again and again with a hard and rough pace. With this new position, it doesn’t take me long to feel that familiar warmth, all I can do is cling to him as everything inside me intensifies in every sense of the word. "(Y/N)..." Pleasure spills over my body, it's chaotic and too much, bright spots blinding my vision as I come, harder than I ever have in my life, and squirting all over Leon's shirt and lap. 

Leon still isn’t stopping, pushing deep into me as his thrusts don’t slow even when his cum coats my walls, a broken gasp escaping him. "F-Fuck, Leon!" The blinding bliss spikes through my blood, hot and piercing. It’s pitiful the way I'm sobbing and whining as he continues relentlessly with his strokes until both of us are completely spent. Finally, he stills, collapsing on the ground with me above him, and we lay there like that for a long moment, panting in absolute euphoria.

I feel sleepy and sated, with all the stress of being hunted down this was like a breath of fresh air, and reality went blurry and faded at the edges. "Didn't think this would happen, but thanks..." Leon said, panting. I hummed, trying to calm my heartbeat. "Sorry about your clothes."

I snickered at his awkwardness after such intense sex. "I doubt you are." The silence came back, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, his arms were hugging my form and I felt safe and protected. Then he sat with me resting against him. "I'm alright, seriously. Still, I doubt I will be able to walk for a while." 

Leon looked away embarrassed but turned back to me, kissing my forehead. "Wanna get coffee after this?"

I smiled tiredly, but deep down the feeling of joy flourished. "Yeah, now go on and look for some clothes, I don't want Ashley to ask."

[trans-luis-serra-navarro]

Luis’ ‘Secret’ Death Cutscene

I don’t actually know how many people here on Tumblr know about this, so I figured I’d make a post- But in Seperate Ways during the part of the game where you have to rescue Luis from his burning lab, if you stand juuuuuuuuust outside of where he is but don’t actually go IN to save him, you get this special cutscene!!!!!!!!

And I just find the whole thing S O INTERESTING. Like,,,, first of all, we technically have a second (or third if you count the OG (and I’m not sure if there are any other cutscenes like this so correct me if I’m wrong!!)) Death for Luis!!!!!!! And it’s a goddamn poignant one at that too!!!!!!!!!

Like,,, first off; obviously, we have the paralells to his Grandfather burning in his childhood home. The fact that if it weren’t for Ada, there would’ve been a VERY REAL chance that Luis dies the same way his Grandfather died is just,,,,,, S O HEARTBREAKING TO ME?????????? Like Luis has a pretty repetitive theme of him almost dying in significant locations (If it weren’t for Leon, he would’ve died in a body bag underneath his childhood home) and unlike his Grandfather, who at least got to WRITE him a LETTER, he would’ve died in the exact same tragic way too!!!!!!! MAN!!!!!!

And then there’s the whole scene in general; A core part of Luis’ character is that he wants to do ANYTHING to survive. Not in a, ‘save your own skin’ kind of way, but he wants to survive because he wants to CHANGE. He wants to make a POSITIVE IMPACT and atone for his actions; he wants to get out so he can show the world he isn’t a monster and he wants to find love and meaning in life. Hell, he was even about to FISTFIGHT THE DAMN MONKS in that prison cell- THATS how desperate he was to get out and live and thrive!!!!!!!

Yet here he is, literally throwing himself into a burning building and- in this case- DYING without a second thought. He has to literally tear himself away from Ada to run into the lab

Because goddamnit he CARES SO MUCH ABOUT LEON AND ASHLEY AND ADA!!!!!!!! He would LITERALLY DIE for them!!!!!!!!!! He is NOT in this to save his own skin, CLEARLY- he sees his chance to finally show SOMEBODY he can do good and to HELP S O M E O N E for ONCE in his life, and he sees that goodness and that love in Leon and the rest of them- and he would do ANYTHING to help them get out, even if it meant throwing away his chance to live and escape Valdelobos.

And he doesn’t even hesitate, either?????? Like I said he literally has to rip himself away from Ada to run into the BURNING DAMN BUILDING cuz he’s that desperate and that was his first thought!!!!!!!!!!

And if Ada hadn’t gotten there in time, he WOULD have died. He would have died exactly like his grandfather; and he would have died with the world thinking he was the villain. He would have died having his actions only ever do bad. Even if he didn’t mean them to. He would have died in the middle of nowhere with no legacy to his name-

And worst of all, he wouldn’t have figured out to get the suppressants for Leon Ashley and Ada. He would’ve died, and Leon and Ashley would have had no idea. They probably would’ve thought he just,,, run off. They’d have no clue how hard he fought to help them.

[cloudsmateria]

that one summer in 2003 - leon kennedy x reader

im planning on continuing this, but this is just a short start.

words: 939

basically i was thinking, what if leon kennedy ended up with an avoidant attachment after everything he went through? which is a reasonable conclusion as he never ended up with anyone, and couldn't go for claire because he had an avoidant attachment (or just couldn't get ahold of ada).

it would be perfectly reasonable to suggest that he had an avoidant attachment or for him to have ended up with one after both his parents died due to gang violence and now he works in an incredibly violent job where people he knows and is close to die around him all the time.

AND his fucking ex gf left him (one that he really loved since he was fucking drinking all night because of it and the consequences of that were mad since he had to experience raccoon city which fucked up his whole life). Ada pretended to kill herself in front of him after they started something and for years he thought she died.

he would be scared of whoever he's interested in getting hurt because they're involved with him, or just innately scared of losing them after everyone else. so i just thought it would be cute to write a little prologue about a romance w an avoidant leon kennedy.

i would love to see more fics w an avoidant leon kennedy

Leaning against his shoulder, both at the top of the edge of a cliff, the sun just starting to set. He took another sip of his beer, passing it to you. This was a common weekend since the start of summer, finding some music festival or a nice beach to camp in. 

"So, where's the party tonight?" He asked, the breeze pushing back his hair.

"The city. Jill's friend's birthday, and she's rich." You answered.

"Is that the one you want to go to?"

"Not today, I like us like this." 

You heard him laugh quietly. "Adorable."

You smiled, leaning your head on his arm, his hands wrapping around you. "I hope this never changes."

He kissed the top of your head. "I'm glad we did this."

"Getting drunk and looking at the ocean?" 

"Looking at you… And other things." He whispered into your ear, making you laugh.

"Like what, hmm? Kissing you?"

"A bit more than that."

You had no idea how you ended up with Leon. You had no idea why he chose you. He was so out of your league but in your friend group that you couldn't even have a crush on him because it was certain that it would never work out, but he was an easy friend. Freakishly easy to speak to, although slightly edgy and relatable. Everyone loved him. Even worse, he was attractive and good at everything he did. Any time he was around people were laughing, someone would always choke on their laughter when he was there. 

Although you knew you were at least one of his favourite friends, always passively trying to be in your group when it came to group events, although you didn't realise it was because he liked you until you started speaking. The competition between you was palpable, everyone loved watching you both fight at every competitive night out. Rock climbing? Laser tag? Kayaks? Sandcastles? Somehow you both managed to make it competitive. For 4 years you kept that type of friendship until you broke up with your boyfriend at the end of spring.

It was raining that night, walking home from the karaoke bar since this time your houses were in the same direction. He gave you his jacket, although you didn't think twice about it. From there, it was more natural for you both to speak one-on-one and then you made plans without the others... You thought it was friendly, again, why would he pick you? You knew he had a line of girls for him in his other groups. In fact, it took him a week of flirting for you to realise that he was actually trying to be romantic and not trying to make a joke. Swept off your feet in a heartbeat, he came out of nowhere. How stupid.

And after that week, he asked. 

"Are you sure about this?"

"About what?"

"Doing this. Us."

"I don't think I've ever liked anyone this much." Instead of what usually would've gotten a laugh, he nodded with what was almost a grimace. 

"I need to warn you before this goes anywhere."

"Okay."

"When I get close to people, I get distant. I can't do anything about it. It just happens, I try to stop it, but all I can do is warn you."

"That's fine."

"I don't want to hurt you, especially not you."

"What about me?"

"You're kind, not like the other girls I've met, you don't deserve that."

"Why would you hurt me?"

"I just have a bad feeling."

"I would give you space if you needed it." 

"That’s not the problem. But can we do this but not put a label on it? We'll be exclusive, act like a couple, but not a label." In your head, that was a relationship. You were screaming inside, he finally asked.

"Can I ask why?"

"If there weren’t a label, maybe I wouldn’t get distant since it’s not official. Every time I’ve been in a relationship it hasn’t ended well, I’m scared of getting too close and people leaving me."

"I wouldn't do that."

"I know but it's just a gut feeling when I get close to people." He never went into detail but some of his self-deprecating jokes made it clear, at least to you that his life was fucked. You knew he struggled to get too close as even when a conversation about the death of someone close came up when you needed to let it out, he immediately shut it down, changing the subject without making it awkward. He was uncomfortable with all that personal baggage, his own, and everyone else's. You wished you were that socially adept to so casually manipulate a conversation. 'I can fix him' was the only thing you were thinking of, the only red flags you saw were heart-shaped. Two fucked up people would be perfect for each other. 

"Let's do it." 

Bit by bit, he gave you tiny fragments of the shitty parts of his life, not enough to know what had happened to him at all, but to know that he was depressed although you couldn't believe it from how lively he was. You knew that the years of his life since he was a child were full of despair although you never knew why. He was a rebellious boy, getting into fights, and substance abuse, and he was trying to leave it behind. All of the mystery just drew you in further. He was all you could think about, gushing at even the thought of him, checking your phone every 3 seconds even though you knew he couldn't have messaged that fast. 

No one knew about it in your group as it just never came up, and you both spending a lot of time together was normal. The little glances and comments at each other kept it exhilarating, sometimes his hand would rest on your thigh at dinners which made you go silent.