#if this is the first time this issue has occurred (which I doubt) I’d like to dub this phenomenon ‘Jonafication’

[brabblesblog]

𝕽𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖒𝖇𝖊𝖗 𝖞𝖊 𝖓𝖔𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘.

Ch 2: 𝐘𝐞𝐭 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬; 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬.

A sequel to Whither is thy beloved gone? (AO3)

After the events of ‘Whither is thy beloved gone?’ Lord Astarion Ancuńin and his consort wife navigate their relationship anew. The ghosts of the past - his, hers, and theirs - threaten to unravel everything they’ve worked for.

The gift arrives, and Astarion continues spinning himself into his little web of mistruths. Ban does some sleuthing.

Now professionally edited by @editing-by-night

Originally beta'd by @leomonae

Read on AO3.

Masterlist

Ban and Astarion by @primopinku

Astarion stood with hands clasped behind his back, watching Roderich’s workers carry the mirror inside the palace. It was huge, and he absently wondered what he would do if it didn't fit through the doorway to the bedroom. He supposed having it in the ballroom wouldn’t be such a bad idea, but it might prove to be an issue when hosting parties; people would inevitably notice his consort’s lack of reflection.

Roderich approached him and gave a small bow. “My lord,” he said. “Which room would you like the mirror to be brought to?”

Astarion regarded the man before him; Roderich was frightened, hands clenched into fists at his sides. Perhaps rumors of the activities that had occurred in this palace during Cazador’s reign had reached Roderich’s ears. He deliberated between further terrifying the man for his amusement or placating him, and begrudgingly settled on the latter, as delectable an idea as the former was.

He draped an arm over Roderich’s shoulder. “Our bedroom, on the far wall,” he replied. “Take two left turns and you’ll find it.” He leaned in. “Would you like to join me for some refreshments, Master Glasscraft?”

Up close, Astarion thought, he could see the family resemblance. The shape of his face and nose were reminiscent of Ban’s - Ban, who had gone to Rivington today to see Shadowheart.

Ban, who had been rather quiet since the day she saw him hiding the contract.

The silence had been unnerving him, bringing out his insecurities at a frankly terrifying speed. While he normally would have sought to explain his feelings to her, he hadn’t this time; the sheer fear of her anger and the thought of losing her winning out over his better judgment.

Roderich flinched, but as the arm over his back was a normal temperature, felt himself relax slightly. Perhaps Cazador Szarr could have been the monster he had been suspecting Lord Ancunín to be, but presently there were fewer and fewer reasons to suspect the man beside him.

“Some tea would be nice, I suppose. But I can’t stay too long. My wife, Arlette… she’s waiting for me.” He doubted vampires ever stocked human food and drink, so that was a good sign, but he still felt the need to clearly state that someone would notice if he disappeared. His throat was a bit dry and scratchy, regardless.

“Tea it is, then.” As Astarion called a servant over and rattled off a request for tea and some biscuits, Roderich quickly instructed his men as to which room to bring the mirror and where to place it. Turning his attention back to Roderich, Astarion shot him his most winsome smile, taking care not to show his fangs this time.

“I’ve asked for the tea to be delivered to my study,” he said, arm still around Roderich, steering him in that direction. “So. Do tell me about dear Arlette. Children? I’d assume a son, considering…”

The shop’s name, yes. Astarion fought back the wave of indignation at the fact that Ban didn’t even seem to merit a mention there. Of course, they likely assumed her dead, and he had no idea why she had left them in the first place, but still.

Roderich, finding the small talk a bit peculiar but not impolite, nodded, clearing his throat. “Arlette and I ha-have a son. Adrien.” He entered the study, following his host, and took a seat on one of the plush armchairs in the room; Astarion took the one next to his, crossing his legs.

As the tea and biscuits arrived on a metal tray, Astarion noted the hesitation in Roderich’s tone. Fear, perhaps? He gingerly picked up his own cup, making a show of finding the tea hot, blowing across its surface, to further disarm the man.

“Arlette and Adrien.” He paused a moment, then offered some information in return, keeping the conversation flowing. “I myself am newly wedded, only about a year or so ago. Alas, the gods haven’t seen fit to bless us with offspring as yet. Grandchildren?”

Roderich shook his head, a heaviness settling over his features. “No,” he said. “It’s… Adrien-”

His voice was rough; Astarion noticed it, but did not comment. Instead he took a long sip from his cup, allowing the man a moment to recover.

“Adrien hasn’t taken a wife.” Roderich settled on saying.

Astarion let the silence stretch, picking up a biscuit with slender fingers. Taking a bite or two; he regarded Ban’s father. A brother, then, with something seemingly causing Roderich distress at the mere mention of his name. Interesting.

Astarion’s chamberlain entered the room, and made a small bow. “My lord,” he said, “they have finished.” At the man’s words Roderich stood, eager to be done with this conversation.

“Lord Ancunín.” He gave a small bow, “I really do need to take my leave. Arlette needs me to weed the garden today, and…”

Astarion waved his hand in a gesture of nonchalance, as if it did not trouble him at all. “Take some pastries with you, Master Glasscraft. I’m sure your wife and son will appreciate them. The kitchen will have a box prepared for you - just let him lead the way.” He nodded towards his chamberlain.

“Yes, my lord. Thank you. I shall be off.” Roderich followed the chamberlain and was soon on his way home, grateful to be away from Lord Ancunín, his questions, and his oddly piercing gaze.

Still in his seat, Astarion mulled over Roderich’s words. How much of this was old information, and how much did Ban know?

And whatever could have happened to Adrien that so disconcerted his father?

Ban stared at the mirror as she slipped her bathrobe off, draping it over the couch. She did so merely as a matter of habit - of course she no longer saw herself or the bathrobe, only the empty room staring back at her. The mirror was large and ornate with gold inlaid into the frame. Leaning against the wall of their bedroom, it gave the impression of a great beast looming over their bed.

She hated it. Not that mirrors have ever been something she liked - they reminded her too much of her past - but this one in particular felt ominous, a little too big and a little too oppressive a presence in their place of refuge. She knew Astarion would have it moved the moment she asked, but for now at least she was willing to let it stay. After all, he’d done a marvelous job introducing her to it earlier today; the memory of him fucking her in front of it so they could see what his cock did inside her - him spreading her apart, coming apart inside her, just for her - was one she thought she’d remember for a while.

Ban spied Astarion’s reflection in the mirror as he walked in from the bathroom, towel still wrapped around his waist. His expression looked conflicted, until he schooled it into something more neutral.

“I see you’re admiring our newest acquisition,” he murmured, pressing his lips to the back of her shoulder, then slowly trailing a path of kisses up to the base of her neck. He closed his eyes, hands resting on her waist. The fear of her leaving, now ever-present, fluttered in his breast; his brows furrowed briefly, but he managed to smooth them down.

All this, Ban could easily see reflected in the mirror. A small sigh escaped her, and she turned to face him. He fell still, eyes still closed, afraid to see or hear what she’d say next. She cupped his cheek, smiling a little when he leaned into her touch.

“I still stand by what I said. This feels a bit much.”

Her words were met by quiet, soft laughter, and he kissed her palm.

“You did mention that.” His hands shifted forward, fingers knitting together against her back, pulling her in close. Astarion debated between playing up his usual snark or letting his walls down, but there really wasn’t any contest. There hadn’t been any for a while now, in moments like this. “Do you dislike it?”

“Not dislike, I think, it’s just…” She frowned. “It’ll take some getting used to. I won’t mind as much if we do what we did today more often?” A small conciliatory offer, one Astarion grasped without hesitation.

“Of course,” he huffed, amused. Astarion leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. “To bed then, love?” He finally opened his eyes, offering her a soft smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Astarion’s fingers deftly removed the towel from his waist, throwing it onto the couch nearby; despite her nearness, there wasn’t any stirring of desire in him, the worry overruling every other thought. He lifted her in his arms, carrying her to bed. Crawling in after her, he curled his body around hers, holding her close. He tucked his face against the back of her neck, hiding.

Astarion had been waiting. Since she’d come home and seen the mirror, he’d been waiting. For what, he didn’t know - a word, a quick anecdote of her life before, anything. Even a snide comment would have been something.

He hadn’t meant to blatantly state the mirror wasn’t from her family, of course. It had slipped out in a moment of nervousness as he’d tried to reassure her about the new addition to the bedroom.

“Even for you, this is a bit much,” Ban had said as he’d walked in.

Astarion remembered dragging a chair with him, planting it directly in front of the mirror and sitting down. He’d placed it close to the glass; his knees had almost touched his reflection’s. There had been apprehension, a worry that she’d somehow immediately know the origins of his purchase and confront him right there and then. Her pithy comment and the fact that she’d almost caught him with the contract had simply exacerbated his unease. He’d defaulted into his usual defense then, the old act slipping on effortlessly.

“I didn’t buy this from your family, if that’s what you’re so concerned about. And…” He had kept his expression neutral, cooly leaning forward to tilt his face, making a show of admiring his own visage on the mirror. He’d sensed her watching him, likely entranced by his little display, as intended. His eyes had flicked towards hers and in one smooth, practiced move, he’d leaned back to spread his legs.

“Sit.” He’d tapped his right thigh.

Why he needed to do this, to dig at the truth of her past, he didn’t exactly know; after all, the issue of her family was something they’d never spoken of, and which had seemingly no immediate relevance to their life. However, he did see her occasional sadness, saw her pull away when whatever he said or did reminded her of something, and he wanted to understand. He had tried asking her - had done so gently, at times with a little more force, but it always ended the same way.

I don’t want to talk about it, Astarion.

That, usually combined with an angry huff and silence for the rest of the day, even when he acquiesced and let the matter go.

The anger had been a recent thing, an ugly creature borne out of her need to avoid anything even approaching the topic of her past. As their relationship had slowly improved, Astarion had taken it upon himself to learn more about her, figuring that her past would have shaped her; thinking that knowing her more fully would help him predict her better.

That was the logical reason, of course. At the core, all he wanted was to be entrusted with her heart, the whole of her self, in a way that was greater than before, in a way that indicated he’d been fully accepted back, forgiven - permitted to know and love her completely. He sighed, thinking about her most recent eruption.

“Ban, I just-” He’d backtracked, trying to salvage the situation before it escalated into yet another anxiety-filled day of barely being spoken to as punishment.

She’d rounded on him, eyes wild and full of fury and fear - although not of him, if her words had been any indication. “Stop, Astarion. There’s no point in asking, no point in prodding, do you understand?”

“I know...” He had tried to take her wrist and been rebuffed with a quick withdrawal of her hand; his fingers had closed around air. “I merely want to see you.” Like you see me.

“What else is there to see?” Ban had raised an eyebrow, challenging him. “I love you. I am happy with you. I am not afraid of you. What more do you need to know?”

Everything else, he’d thought, but that fear in her eyes had stopped him. Small steps. He knew trust to be a delicate thing; earning it would take time.

Perhaps direct questions might help.

“What was it that… caused this?” Cautious, careful words; he’d tried his best to keep his voice neutral.

After all, he still hadn’t even understood why the argument had started. They had been at Wyrm’s Crossing when a merchant had accused Ban of stealing a necklace.

The culprit had been Astarion, of course. The necklace had a pendant in the shape of a rose, and he had thought it would look wonderful on her. His fingers had moved before he could think, the necklace gone before anyone had been the wiser.

The vendor had eventually noticed the missing necklace. A cursory scan had shown it likely to have been the couple who had just passed by: a silver-haired elf, adorned in a beaded, gold-trimmed jacket, and his companion, a human dressed in nice enough, but rather simpler clothes.

Ban had vehemently denied the accusation, her voice rising in time to match the vendor’s, though still reining herself in.

“Rich,” the man had hissed, eyeing her, “and yet with scruples no better than a common thief. Your companion here picked you up from the streets, no doubt.”

Astarion had seen red then, the temptation to simply end the man’s miserable life almost overwhelming. Instead he had taken a step, encroaching on the man’s space.

“You do not speak to my wife in that manner, cretin,” he had growled, his fangs threatening to make an appearance.

Then he had said the thing that he was almost sure had caused her to recoil. “We could buy your wares, your sorry little shop, and even your sorry little self. ”

He had seen her blanch then, her hand disengaging from where it had been linked around his arm. She hadn’t looked scared of him so much as it had seemed like she’d remembered something, and whatever it was had upset her. Unsure, Astarion had dragged her away from the bristling vendor before the argument could escalate even further.

It had gone downhill from there until, hours later, he’d found himself once more trying to find his way through the mire of her anger and her secrets. What was it that… caused this?

Ban frowned at Astarion’s question, the words ringing in her head.

I could buy you!

Her father had loved saying those words, bandying them about whenever some unfortunate soul crossed him. The moment similar words had left Astarion’s lips, all those memories had come flooding back.

Of course, she would never tell him. It was the past, and as much as Astarion had inadvertently reminded her of her father, she knew he hadn’t meant to. She knew he wanted to know; the way those eyes pleaded and his voice trembled told her in no uncertain terms how badly. She worried, though, that if he knew of her past, knew what she’d suffered, his vision of her would forever be altered.

Ban knew Astarion had always seen her as strong. Resolute. Someone capable of protecting others. She wanted to be that for him, to be his rock - forever, if possible.

There was also the fact that she’d always loathed being weak, even for him.

The mirror was, he supposed, his last, desperate effort. He’d hoped seeing the mirror would bring the conversation to the fore… but then what would have happened?

He would have told her that he did indeed purchase it from her family. He’d have begged for forgiveness, explained he only did it to get her to open up, that she needn’t do anything with the information he’d gleaned about her family. That he wanted to understand her like she understood him, and why was that so wrong?

He’d have told her that he’d tried everything else: he’d spoken, he’d pleaded, he’d begged and tried to explain how important this was to him, and it had all fallen on deaf, if not angry ears, until subterfuge was the only option left unexplored. He’d have told her that it ate him up inside to know she still didn’t love him enough - trust him enough - to share all of herself with him, the imbalance a constant reminder of all the things he could never take back, of sins remaining unforgotten and of wounds unhealed.

Astarion shifted against Ban as frustration seeped in anew, a small grunt escaping his lips.

She knew everything about him, from his worst memories to his greatest fears. She’d seen him at his best, and at his absolute worst. What had he seen of her?

A carefully curated facade, which did sometimes crumble to reveal her soft, loving core - but what about all the parts of her that aren’t her love for him? What about her life before? What made her this?

He wanted to know those pieces of her, to pick them like roses amongst thorns; to love them, to help, to soothe where needed. To do what she’d done for him.

It tore him apart to not be allowed that. To not be trusted with it.

How long would she hide herself from him? He’d given her every ounce of himself; every single day he rested his heart upon her palms, ready to be crushed at a moment’s notice, and yet he was given so little in return. Was he to expect an eternity of this, of her holding back, never giving what matters most of herself? Had he been seen and deemed unworthy of her trust, of her?

And if so, how long until she decided this wasn’t worth it? That she could find someone worthy of sharing all of herself? That he wasn’t worth it, after all?

And just like that day in Wyrm’s Crossing and the countless other days before it, Astarion’s plan for the mirror to trigger a conversation had fallen flat on its face.

When she’d come home earlier today and seen the mirror leaning against their bedroom wall, it had stirred something. She’d definitely reacted to it; he’d seen her staring. But there had been no words, nothing to indicate any willingness to open up to him about her thoughts.

Panic had flooded his mind then. He’d slipped into seduction, hoping that would disarm her enough to say something in the glow of post-coital bliss. Instead she’d merely kissed him and stood up, leaving him to clean himself off and scramble for words that wouldn’t come.

He hadn’t been able to say it, the cold grip of fear squeezing his heart until all he could do was watch his own reflection in the mirror.

The man staring back at him had looked terrified.

Ban noticed Astarion’s frustrated noise as he snuggled more firmly against her back.

“You alright?” she asked, feeling the hand resting on her stomach tighten in response. He sighed, his warm breath tickling her nape. She knew he was troubled, knew that it had to do with whatever he was hiding, and also now suspected that the mirror was related to it.

Astarion cleared his throat. “Perfectly fine, if in need of rest,” he said stiffly, but there was no hiding that tone, nor the tension in his body. The fear had fully set in and he didn’t want to risk their forever by admitting his misdeed.

Besides, he reasoned, it’s such a small, irrelevant thing. Maybe she isn’t bothered by the mirror. Maybe those memories are just that - recollections not worthy of further thought. Perhaps there isn’t a need to even bring this up.

“Astarion. Talk to me.” Ban turned to face him; he closed his eyes as she did, refusing to look. “What’s with the mirror, and whatever you were hiding in your desk a tenday ago?”

No. No. His mind scurried for a response, looking for an excuse and finding absolutely none. He forced his eyelids open to meet her gaze. There was nothing for it; he had to at least say something.

“I thought it would jog your memory, and perhaps pry open your mouth.”

“Mem-” Ban swore. “ Gods. How many - I keep telling you. I don’t want to talk about it!”

Of course it had to do with her past. She tried to bite down the vitriol threatening to make its way out of her and entirely failed.

“Why are you so keen on knowing, anyway? Can you not keep your nose out of my business for once?”

Astarion gasped at her poisonous jab. For so long he’d been backing off whenever she snapped at him over this, but his patience had run out. “Because you won’t tell me anything! How can I make things right if you won’t trust me?”

The moment the words were out of his mouth he regretted them; his jaw snapped shut. She wouldn’t like that; any mention of anything regarding her opening up was met with anger or stony silence. Astarion quickly changed tactics, doing what he usually did at this point: placating her while panicking quietly.

“Ban,” he sighed. “That… I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Probably not,” came her clipped response. She moved away, out from his arms, curling up at the far side of the bed.

Astarion watched her, the last embers of that defensive anger slipping away under the endless tide of his fear. He didn’t reach for her; simply drew the blankets over her body, tucking her in.

He pressed one small kiss to her shoulder, sighing as she made no move to indicate she’d even noticed him.

“Goodnight, Ban,” he murmured, as he allowed himself to slowly slip into trance. I love you. He didn’t say it, frightened of what her response would be - or worse, wouldn’t be. He didn’t hear a reply.

Ban waited until he was fully in trance, his breaths slow and deep, before she moved.

The hallways were bathed in moonlight, a beautiful sight that she had always loved. Tonight, however, they barely merited a glance.

A quick left down the hallway, and she was in the study. It didn’t take long to find the parchment Astarion had tried to keep hidden. To find the truth.

If you would like to see more of these two and their story, consider reading my other entries in the series "If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there."

Taglist: @elora-the-slutty-songstress @tragedybunny @spacebarbarianweird @ayselluna @enterthedreams @coltaire @qiific3 @misscrissfemmefatale @vixstarria @eatyourheartoutmylove @linllewellyn @ battisonsgf @micropoe10 @thegoodwitchs-blog @akirahime @velcyrptrr @i-cant-get-into-my-other-account @babblebrain-blog @asterordinary @last-but-not-the-least @artist4theworld @gracemisconduct @decadentcoffeewizard @rootin-tootin-n-kind@pursuitseternal @youngtacobanana @krispeenuggiez @girlygmer-blog @cheezits4lyfe @vinegarjello @the0ldmann @wisteriaofthegraves @girlygamer-blog

[thatgirl4815]

Incoming essay - apologies!

Rewatching the pool scene and two things struck me: Sand's really not a natural at this whole sneaky, aloof thing - his face while he's watching Ray listen to the recording actually looks quite serious and almost like he's already having doubts, but the second Ray looks back up at him he assumes a fake, couldn't care less expression, which solidifies my opinion that his behaviour here is out of character for him (I don't mean the writing is out of character, but that he's acting in a way that goes against who he really is). Boston's mindfuckery and Nick's...privacy issues come fairly easily to them, and even Mew pulled off a very cold-blooded gotcha that entirely relied on him convincing Top everything was okay, but Sand couldn't even manage that one convo with Ray without it being totally obvious he was pissed and petty and had an agenda. I think swinging a baseball bat probably comes way more naturally to him than subterfuge and manipulation.

The other thing is Sand's expression after Ray asks if he's not okay about him liking Mew - he's sort of speechless for a second, has to take a breath, and it occurred to me that this is the first time he's actually hearing Ray confirm that it's true. Previously it was all just coming from Boston, who Ray said he shouldn't listen to anyway, but here is Ray himself admitting it, saying it out loud, and quite casually at that. Ouch!

(Something else I've been pondering is if Sand isn't (perhaps unconsciously) a little pissed at Nick and that's why he can screw him over so easily - after all, it was Nick who brought Boston into their home, and Nick who, even after witnessing all the damage Boston did - and not to random strangers, but to Sand - still sticks with him, acting all lovey dovey and taking cute couple pics... Not passing judgement one way or another, but it wouldn't surprise me if Sand's a little bit bitter about that as well!)

Ooh yes, I agree with all of this 100%! I like how you can see Sand almost reckoning with himself as he does it. I can see him thinking “Well, if Ray likes someone else and has just been using me, why can’t I play the same game?” Also interesting your point about how Sand likely defaults to direct action as opposed to subtle schemes and manipulation; it would certainly align with how straightforward Sand is about everything (I’m thinking of a lot of scenes but especially that last one where he chases after Ray—he’s undoubtedly still angry, but he cares more about keeping Ray safe than letting Ray see that he’s hurt…that might be part of the reason why the crew decided to use the take where he looks shocked as opposed to heartbroken just before Ray drives off.)

Your analysis also confirms that Sand certainly does care about Ray in the pool scene, even if he’s trying to ignore it in pursuit of his own revenge on Top. Ray’s direct confirmation that he does, in fact, like Mew is just more cause for Sand to be bitter. I can imagine just how broken up Sand has been since the night Boston ruined everything, thinking and rethinking his relationship with Ray.

Sand is making a very pointed effort to make Ray feel his apathy. Beyond Sand simply being hurt and dejected, he wants Ray to feel bad—I just don’t think he ever meant for his schemes to initiate the blow up Ray has at the end.

Lastly, about Nick, I’d be surprised if Sand wasn’t bitter! Nick even tells Boston that he was an asshole and he still acts all lovey dovey with him? Nick comes across as very immature to me and very much a pushover. Hopefully we’ll see Sand address his own anger over this in this trailer clip:

Anywaysss, rant over. Thanks for sharing these observations! You all always make my viewing experience 100x more enjoyable :)

[zebulontheplanet]

Hi! I have a question regarding your recent posts on catatonia. This is actually something I’ve been wondering about for a while now and I hope you have an answer. At first, it seemed like catatonia and autistic shutdowns where the same. I read that catanonia mostly occurred in people with schizophrenia, but could also be a symptom of autism, so I thought they were synonymous. Then I read that they weren’t, and I understood that the difference was in severity with catatonia being more severe and also lasting longer (hours to days). What you’ve described in your recent posts sounds a lot like what I thought were autistic shutdowns (which I’ve experienced in a similar way) and less like what I understood what catatonia to be. This isn’t me trying to tell you you’re experiencing a shutdown instead, I genuinely think I’ve misunderstood something and I’m hoping you could clear it up for me since I’ve clearly not had much luck with my own research. What is the difference between catatonia and autistic shutdowns?

Hey anon! This is a very good question that I didn’t really know the answer to for a hot minute.

So with my catatonia, I’ve been diagnosed with it. A doctor has confirmed it is indeed catatonia I’m experiencing and not something else. So there’s not really a doubt in my mind that it is catatonia. However, I do have autistic shutdowns as well, they’re actually more common than meltdowns for me so I can tell the difference pretty easily.

The difference for me, is that autistic shutdowns are caused by extreme emotions. They’re basically the opposite reaction of a meltdown. A lot of people refer to them as internal meltdowns cause they’re caused by extreme distressing things.

For me, catatonia can literally happen at any time. I could just be sitting there and boom, catatonia. Although it’s very common for me to have it when I’m starting a task. When I’m starting a task, I don’t feel every which way, it just sorta happens. My brain gets stuck.

Catatonia CAN get worse with intense emotions, and it can happen if you’re having an intense emotion, but that doesn’t mean you have to be having an intense emotion to experience catatonia. My catatonia gets worse with stress, but that doesn’t mean that my catatonia is a shutdown. Also to me, my catatonia is far more frequent than a shutdown. While a shutdown I have maybe once a week, I have catatonia maybe a few times a day.

From my understanding some doctors believe that shutdowns can lead to catatonia, but they still have a very distinct difference. Catatonia also comes with a variety of other symptoms, like no reaction to mild pain. While in a shutdown, I will personally react to mild pain.

Catatonia also comes with other issues, and my catatonia is really complex. From having semi-catatonic states that make me feel like I’m going through quicksand, to mutism, to so many other things. The lasting affects of catatonia are also not the same. While someone with a shutdown will eventually come out of their shutdown, catatonia can be more complex then that. From lasting hours to not being able to talk even after your catatonic episode.

I hope this explains some things! I’d also google “autism catatonia” there’s a few articles that explain it well! Many autistics with catatonia have lasting effects, like diminished social interactions and social isolation, and diminished ways that the person just behaves in general.

They’re very different and I hope this explains some! Im still not sure and my psych isn’t even sure if my catatonia is caused by my autism or by my Schizoaffective so we’re just shrugging our shoulders. Have a lovely day anon!

[insurrection-if]

Rate how angsty all of the ROS routes from 1-10

( ;´д｀) Oh goodness, I’m not the best at determining numerical values based on subjective criteria. The extremity of angst can be rather subjective, right?

Uh, I’ll give a number (or, rather, a range of numbers) for each route, but take them with a pinch—probably even a handful—of salt!

There’s also a lot that could amplify the elements of angst for different routes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This is a very general scale, one that makes some assumptions to reach an 'average' angst rating.

I’ll also try my best to distinguish general drama (which, honestly, can reach soap opera levels for some of these ROs) from actual angst. And I’ll try to focus on angst that is exclusive(?) / emphasized in a romantic relationship with them vs. a platonic one.

Akil: 7-8? (Earlier Stages), 4-5 (Later Stages)

Starts relatively high, petters out quite a bit after a major plot point (and progressive recovery from his grief). He’s still a little existential about everything (romance-related and otherwise) through to the end, haha!

Kamiko: 5-6

Kamiko’s prejudice, fears, and bad habits are more painful to her (and thus emphasized) in a romance. Her struggle to communicate emotions that might make her seem pitiable, weak, or wrong for how she feels can cause more angst as well.

Sigmund: 6-7?

General angst that all the HAWKS routes have (that being the illicit nature of romances) which he is especially fraught about (in his own way). The man can sometimes seem addicted to some self-imposed angst, haha! Also, ex-fiancée shenanigans.

Imka: 2-4

Relatively low, more so internalized within herself. The angst in her romance is more sad and anxious than dreadful and painful. It sharply spikes whenever her parents are around, especially when her mother involves herself.

Elouan: 6-7?

Elouan has a lot of fears, scars, and doubt when it comes to a heartfelt romance, especially when it involves someone he cares for in a way he hasn’t cared for anyone before. The shadow of his former fiancé looms over him still as well, and any broaching towards that relationship and its impact on him plunges the romance into a dark pit.

Jae: 3-5?

Even when angst has occasion to arise, Jae doesn’t like to confront it directly. She’ll dance around it for as long as she can until it explodes into something much more harmful than it would’ve been or hurts too much to bear any longer. There’s a lot of fear when it comes to commitment and dependence that wrings out some angst when explored.

Niccolò: 2-3 (Earlier Stages), 7-8 (Middle Stages), 2-3 (Later Stages)

Starts low, inches upwards with some existential quandaries. It soars immensely after an event that involves Fyodor, and it will take a long period of time before the angst in the romance will fully settle down after that. Still, Niccolò is Niccolò, so he’ll try to be positive through it all once he has some of his bearings again.

Mutya: 2-4?

Pretty low to standard levels of angst. Mutya likes to be self-sufficient, meaning she’s more in favor of working out things internally or independently, so an angst-prone situation will be less intensified by her desire to internalize the issue or work it through on her own first. Tension is much more likely than angst, but the two can blend together.

Fyodor: 3-5 (Earlier Stages), 7-9 (Later Stages)???

Eh, it’s muddled for me. The romance starts off as ‘conscripted’ enemies, but Fyodor doesn’t consistently treat Mockingbird like the enemy they are when he can avoid it. It’s the later stages where I’d say the angst really kicks in as, by then, Fyodor will be much more truthful and direct about his past and how it has scarred his perception of love. I use truthful in the sense that he will disclose things in a way where he’s no longer reiterating the comforting lies he tells himself about all that occurred before his time in the CARDINALS. He’s been broken down, and he’s desperate to be ‘fixed’. This mentality bleeds into the romance in a way that manifests as angst.

Dearil: 8-10

Dearil does not love anything or anyone in the traditional sense of the word. He is obsessive, dangerous, spiteful, and cruel. He cannot let things go, including the memory of and grief over his first love who he will always and inevitably compare Mockingbird to with or without intention. He considers himself ruined beyond repair and, by extension, sees his love as something that will inevitably ruin all those around him.

Curadora: 8 (Early Stages), 10 (Middle Stages), ??? (Late Stages)

The undisclosed major plot point can be cause for a lot of angst, though that might be dependent on the MC (especially if they have a main romance with someone else). The late stages, I think, can be pretty subjective on angst levels person by person. I’d guess they’d be pretty low at that point, with vibes more melancholic than angsty.

Retriever: 5-7?

It depends on whether Mockingbird expressed a desire for marriage and children in their future (even if not specifically with him, but rather just in general). A more ‘casual’ romance with Retriever (not exactly ‘end-game’ in his head) is far less angst-filled since he’s more invested in a good time with good company. A more ‘serious’ romance with Retriever (again, in his mind) is a lot more conflicted with his hesitation over loyalties, right vs. wrong, and the resurgence of an old flame.

Lempo: 2 (General), sparser bouts of a 6(?)

Lempo desires mutual pleasure and happiness with Mockingbird. Generally angst-prone topics in her romance will likely go in one ear and out the other, dismissed or laughed down as she ignores the reality around her. Much of her angst is likely to be coupled with whoever Mockingbird’s RO might be. And her life plans towards the end of everything, maybe, depending on the MC.

Bones: 10

I am far more comfortable rating Elov’s romance as high up there compared to the others, haha! He is quite literally (painfully) contemplating the possibility of killing Mockingbird one day for the sake of his ideals, and any romance with that sort of confused animosity is doomed to a heavy dose of angst.

Mishka: 8-10

Mishka is only available to Fyodor romancers, so they’re defaulted into a toned-down ‘love triangle’ (?) from the start. Maybe a “love line” might be fitting for those who are purely loyal to Fyodor, making Mishka’s affections unreturned (even if only on the surface) so it’s like Mishka -> MC <—> Fyodor, haha! (Again, it’s optional for Mishka to be attracted to the MC, though it’s a choice only available to those romancing Fyodor.)

They’re also a doomed romance, but that truth might be more brushed under the rug or skirted around when Mishka has a romantic investment in Mockingbird (for reasons both selfish and hopeful).

[taromilksnake]

1:41pm so

responding to dean took 3 days, and immediately after I was (am) on the brink of tears which is…definitely not normal lol. thank god he didn’t respond right away, as I don’t think i’d be able to handle that.

a few ways to see the situation:

the bones: dean was going through it, and from my assessment is an avoidant type. I was also going through it as the time, and was an anxious-attachment type. while leaving me on read for 6 months was fucked up, it was an issue of me not setting boundaries, and in a way I was trying to outsource my emotional regulation on dean, which isn’t fair. in short, fault on both sides

the phlegm: I’ll come out and say it, I don’t like his boyfriend. he’s lowkey a disney adult (re the hogwarts tattoo), and he interrupts me during conversation (which would be fine if he paused when I interrupt him, but he doesn’t. he pauses for dean, though, which is understandable). no doubt it’s my insecurities speaking, but I don’t see what dean sees in him. me seeing relationships in terms of value may be a sign of my own immaturity, though

the bile: he can’t ever love me because I don’t have a penis. well, replace “love” with “have sex,” but it’s rejection all the same, and it’s a nuanced kind of pain that cuts deep. I wish I was cis, and I hope it’s not because of dean. I don’t think it is, but it would be deeply insulting to me if it were. that said, it occurs to me to wonder if he recognizes me as a guy or not. It’s poor timing, and gay culture is not a monolith, but I’ve always felt on the outs of the kind of gay culture dean embraces (or seems to embrace). even when he shared it with me I felt like a stranger. it confirms in my mind that cis men can’t ever understand trans guys (and vice versa), and that I won’t ever find someone who could love me…

the blood: it occurred to me that I may have a “scarcity mindset” surrounding my emotions. all my life it felt like I’m liked best when I put others before me, that the version of me that others loved best is when my feelings, my true self is put away asleep. I think even now I don’t believe unconditional love can exist for me, but I’ll take conditional love over no love at all. I think the closest that comes for me is sherry. it scares me some because resentment grows so easily in my heart. Rationally, I think that even if tomorrow I wake up and dean and I are dating and living together, it won’t make this feeling of emptiness go away. even so, I tear up, I cower at the thought of chasing a love that will never love me back (thank you ada limon for giving me this language). it might be the scariest thing to me. I don’t ever volunteer information about myself, as though it’s a test to see if people really love me. I don’t think dean or any of my friends know much about my parents, or grandma or grandpa. They for sure don’t know that I watched grandpa pass away, and the mixed feelings I have about the jacket he left. maybe this is true for most people though. after all, I don’t usually ask about others’ lives.

the heart: what is frustrating and scary is that I recognize that dean has become a symbol of unattainable love or me. in a way, he has confirmed both the existence of a kind of love I have yet to experience, and also a deep-seated fear that that same love can never, never happen for me. dean is obviously not responsible for this, and to some extent I don’t blame myself too badly for this either (recognizing the situation isn’t the same as solving it, and again: leaving me on read for half a year is fucked up). what’s unfortunate is that I think we genuinely share a very special connection, and I’m not (yet) willing to give that up. which feeds into the delusion. more and more i understand the dilemma lost love vs no love. not much a choice, as no one can survive without love in some way. maybe the first step is to just share the things you want to share, and be more unabashed in asking for affection. that’s all I ever really wanted.

[internationalrealestatenews]

[ad_1] Edgardo Defortuna sells the American dream.  The 68-year-old developer and dealer, who grew up in Argentina, holds the idea in excessive esteem, particularly after his father was kidnapped for ransom in 1978, throughout a politically unstable time earlier than Defortuna emigrated.  Defortuna’s voice softens greater than traditional when recounting the ordeal. “It wasn’t a enjoyable time, that’s for certain,” he stated. “To come back right here and be capable of be completely free and be capable of work, to not have to fret about coming house [safely]. It was actually a serious, main distinction and a game-changer for me.”  Ransom kidnapping in Argentina was a enterprise on the time — if the households paid, their family members would sometimes be returned — and Defortuna’s late father got here again. However he was by no means the identical. Neither was his mom.  Defortuna, an engineer, moved to Miami greater than 40 years in the past, enrolling on the College of Miami to earn his MBA so he might keep within the U.S. He started managing properties for household and associates and purchased a small brokerage within the Brickell space.  Since then, he has expanded his firm, Fortune Worldwide Group, into one of many high brokerage and condominium improvement companies within the area.  In contrast to his rivals within the fields of improvement, resale brokerage and new improvement gross sales and advertising and marketing, his firm is the one one at that stage that does all of it. This could create conflicts, or at the very least the notion of them. Nevertheless it lets Defortuna change views available on the market, giving him a top quality of omniscience, although perceptions of this battle is usually a drawback for sustaining robust relationships with builders and gross sales brokers.   “After I sit in gross sales conferences with different builders, I attempt to put myself of their sneakers and see the place they’re at, value-engineering issues, the place we will increase costs or how we will influence the profitability of the challenge in a greater method,” he stated, “which isn't the quote-unquote typical dealer.”  Defortuna stated Fortune retains a “actually excellent separation” between its in-house developments and the initiatives for which Fortune handles gross sales.  “There may be the notion that ‘you’re gonna take consumers to your property reasonably than ours,’ and it by no means occurs,” Defortuna stated. “I at all times say that I’d reasonably lose a sale in my challenge, if there’s any doubt.”  Stephen Owens, former longtime head of Swire Properties’ U.S. arm, started working with Defortuna once they partnered on the event of Jade at Brickell Bay, Fortune’s first ground-up condominium tower. Owens stated that he was “a little bit apprehensive about [Defortuna] being a part of the competitors not directly.”  “For him to be each a developer and a marketer of different builders’ initiatives speaks volumes,” Owens stated. “There are only a few which have been in a position to make that bridge and proceed to do it.”  Since Jade Brickell, Defortuna has developed a dozen or so luxurious condominium initiatives with and with out companions, working with firms like Ritz-Carlton and persevering with along with his Jade model.  “I name him the graceful operator. He by no means will get upset. He doesn’t speak a lot, and when he talks it’s at all times very fascinating.”Miky Grendene, Casa Tua His subsequent slate of initiatives features a Casa Tua-branded tower in Brickell, the St. Regis Residences in Sunny Isles Seashore and the Ritz-Carlton Residences in Pompano Seashore. On the brokerage entrance, his agency partnered with Christie’s Worldwide final 12 months and is working to increase within the luxurious resale enterprise.  If Jorge Pérez, who has commoditized condominium improvement in Miami, is the town’s condominium king, you possibly can say Defortuna is Miami’s condominium whisperer, typically working along with his rivals and retooling initiatives to promote them out shortly.

Like Associated Group‘s Pérez, he has survived the dramatic booms and busts of South Florida actual property. However not like Pérez, who’s recognized for being a troublesome boss, Defortuna is quiet. Considerate. A listener.  “Most individuals in our enterprise are likely to need to speak method an excessive amount of,” Owens stated. “He thinks issues via. He actually cares. He doesn’t essentially need to be the largest at something. He is aware of the artwork of listening.”  As a result of he's quiet, there’s lots that most individuals could not learn about Defortuna. He lives in a waterfront property that was as soon as house to President Richard Nixon’s Winter White Home in Key Biscayne, a barrier-island city simply off Brickell Avenue in Miami. Defortuna and his spouse had the home torn down years in the past, however they stored historic touches like the unique doorways with the presidential seal, in addition to Nixon’s desk.  Although Defortuna is a decided individual, the similarities with Nixon appear to finish there.  Career-making offers Up till the early 2000s, Fortune was primarily a brokerage. After buying the land for Jade Brickell, Defortuna started negotiating with fairness companions.  Owens advised Defortuna that Swire would supply the “least fascinating monetary deal” with him. Defortuna chosen Swire anyway, although its involvement within the challenge was not publicly recognized till years later.  Fortune led the gross sales and advertising and marketing, whereas Owens targeted on the development and financing.  Jade Brickell marked Defortuna’s first main success in improvement. Regardless of uncertainty after 9/11 — would consumers need to buy in a high-rise so quickly after the fear assaults? — the 48-story, 340-unit high-rise was accomplished in 2004. Twenty years later, resales at Jade Brickell vary from $1 million to $12 million and common about $1,600 per sq. foot, in keeping with Miami Apartment Investments.   The Jade model continued, and the initiatives’ sophistication elevated. In 2008, Defortuna accomplished Jade Seashore, a 51-story, 248-unit tower in Sunny Isles Seashore. Jade Ocean, a 52-story, 251-unit tower, was completed a 12 months later, additionally in Sunny Isles. Jade stands for his late father’s initials — Jose Antonio Defortuna — and the stone is related to prosperity, well-being and the Aristocracy. Much like Fortune or “de fortuna,” which suggests “of fortune.”  In 2018, Defortuna accomplished Jade Signature in Sunny Isles Seashore as nicely.  Fortune tapped Pritzker Prize-winning structure agency Herzog & de Meuron and inside designer Pierre-Yves Rochon for the 57-story, 192-unit high-rise — a stage up from the earlier towers. Opponents doubted he might promote the items for sufficient to cowl the price of hiring a world-class architect.  Defortuna and his spouse, Ana Cristina Defortuna, had been decided to tug it off.  One of many Defortunas’ wish-list gadgets for Herzog & de Meuron was to discover a option to get rid of the parking pedestal. One other was to extend solar publicity to the pool. Sometimes, in high-rises on the coast, the buildings block the solar, and the swimming pools change into utterly shaded within the afternoon.  They flew to Switzerland for a gathering with the architects, who defined how one can accomplish each targets. Herzog & de Meuron had turned the design of the deliberate constructing about 15 levels, with out turning the items, to maximise solar publicity.  Family ties Ora by CasaTua (Ora by CasaTua) Household and work are intertwined. Defortuna’s siblings and spouse have been concerned within the enterprise because the begin. Walter Defortuna, Edgardo’s brother, led Fortune Worldwide Realty for years however is much less concerned now. “He desires to take pleasure in life, and I’m completely in settlement with that,” Defortuna stated. Their sister, Monica, is vice chairman of the corporate.  Ana Cristina, govt vice chairman of Fortune Worldwide

Group, is a “power by way of setting the fashion and really feel” of initiatives, stated developer Shahab Karmely.  The Defortunas now lean on their youngsters. Their eldest son, who's in school, works part-time in Fortune’s workplace. The children convey up inexpensive housing to him, as a few of their lecturers can’t afford to stay in Miami-Dade County. Historically a condominium developer, Defortuna is now wanting into utilizing the Dwell Native Act, a brand new state regulation that incentivizes builders to construct workforce housing with tax breaks and better than traditional density. Fortune’s bread and butter continues to be luxury-branded developments.   In the course of the pandemic lockdown, the household drove to Pompano Seashore to see the Ritz-Carlton website, which incorporates greater than 2 acres on the ocean and one other 2-plus acres on the Intracoastal Waterway.  Defortuna remembered feeling uncertain. “I stated, ‘It’s some huge cash in a very unsure state of affairs. We don’t know if we’re going to be locked down for 2 months or two years or extra.’”  “They stated, ‘Papi, it’s a no brainer. You’re by no means going to get a property that's so good you can have your boat in your yard and the seashore membership on the opposite aspect.’ They usually had been proper,” Defortuna stated.  The challenge is sort of offered out, and the builders, Fortune and Ricardo Dunin’s Oak Capital, secured a $259 million development mortgage late final 12 months.  Defortuna can also be reportedly engaged on at the very least one condominium buyout, the Tropicana at 15645 Collins Avenue, subsequent to the Ritz-Carlton Residences in Sunny Isles Seashore. Fortune and Château Group, which constructed the Ritz-Carlton, had been sued by the Tropicana nearly a decade in the past over an tried buyout. If Fortune can full the deal, it will give the agency an oceanfront website that sits subsequent to a protected park — which suggests these views to the south can’t be blocked.    Partnerships and contacts  Brokers specializing in Latin American consumers are plentiful in Miami. However Defortuna’s ties are deeper. Patrons and buyers change into companions. That’s the way it went with the Grosskopfs, who personal Château. Château and Fortune are engaged on the deliberate St. Regis Residences, a two-tower condominium improvement in Sunny Isles Seashore. The Defortunas have “deep contacts throughout South America, the most important feeder for our condominium markets,” Pérez wrote in an e-mail to The Actual Deal. “It pursuits me what’s happening in each nation, and what the ins and outs of each politics and economics are within the totally different nations,” stated Defortuna, who can inform you how a Latin American nation’s forex is faring, who's president, whether or not an election is developing.  Defortuna has sported the identical search for many years: understated, well-dressed, at all times in a go well with or jacket. His full head of darkish brown hair hovers over his shoulders. A Miami developer via and thru, he drives a Rolls-Royce and wears a Bulgari watch.  At Cipriani, a preferred Miami restaurant for builders, Defortuna is usually greeted by a “regular stream of individuals coming to say whats up,” stated Karmely, evaluating it to individuals kissing the rings of the Aristocracy and non secular figures in medieval occasions.  Some builders could do one or two joint ventures with the identical companions. Defortuna has maintained a decades-long relationship with Swire, even after Owens left. He has labored with Associated Group for years and is a detailed pal of Pérez and his spouse, Darlene.  “There may be the notion that ‘you’re gonna take consumers to your property reasonably than ours,’ and it by no means occurs. I at all times say that I’d reasonably lose a sale in my challenge, if there’s any doubt.” Edgardo DeforTuna, Fortune Worldwide Group Defortuna “has created top-of-the-line gross sales organizations in South Florida,” Pérez wrote. 

Three years in the past, Defortuna teamed up with Karmely to accumulate the remaining unsold stock of condos at Swire’s Brickell Metropolis Centre. Swire wanted to maneuver on after finishing the buildings in 2016. With Defortuna’s gross sales expertise, they offered the items.  So when Karmely was on the lookout for a brand new associate to assist him revive One River Level, a deliberate luxurious condominium improvement alongside the Miami River, he turned to Defortuna.  They plan to relaunch the challenge, designed by the late Rafael Viñoly, in about three months. The construct is now inexpensive because the builders modified the inner design of the bridge connecting the 2 towers.  Defortuna was additionally in a position to reach getting what most builders have tried to win for years: a partnership with Casa Tua to construct a branded condominium tower.  Casa Tua co-founder Miky Grendene stated he appreciated Defortuna’s “honest and really balanced method.”  Ora by Casa Tua, their deliberate improvement, is within the presale section. It might rise on Brickell Avenue close to Fortune’s headquarters, additionally a future improvement website. In contrast to most hospitality-branded buildings, the tower’s facilities shall be spun out into business items owned by the developer. That lowers the associated fee to future consumers. “Facilities have an effect on month-to-month bills,” Grendene stated.  The constructing can even have a 24-hour gourmand market open to the general public, a component that’s significant to Grendene and that Defortuna has due to this fact made occur.  “If you take care of any person like me, he lets me do what I do greatest,”  Grendene stated. “As a substitute of builders who rent any person and attempt to inform them how one can do their job, he believes in our experience. It’s some of the essential elements when it's a must to take care of a associate.”   “Ego is a really unhealthy factor more often than not,” he added.  The 2 have recognized one another for years.  To Grendene, Defortuna is the “clean operator.” “He by no means will get upset. He doesn’t speak a lot. And when he talks, it’s at all times very fascinating.”  [ad_2] Supply hyperlink

[crystalelemental]

Sync Pair Retrospective - Ash

Third Anniversary began not with a bang, but with the most mundane reveal I've seen in a while.  They literally just showed the sync pairs in an email some people got.  That was it.  That’s how we got word of what was coming.  I guess they eventually did a big flashy trailer, but no setup or hype like second anniversary at all.  It was incredibly lame.  And to make matters worse, they brought in Ash.  Listen, this is my one shot: I do not like Ash.  He’s always the least interesting character in his own story.  Pikachu is just as bad.  It’s not even that cute, and it’s, at this point, wildly overhyped as the mascot.  Getting two Pikachus for anniversary sucked ass, getting one of them with anime was awful for me in particular, and the salt in the wound was that the rats are obscenely strong.

Ash is the Striker.  Just...broadly.   Electric-type damage, with Kanto Spirit, perfect self-setup, and the new Buddy moves.  These have had a wide range of effects, but Ash's is the purest iteration.  The more gauge you have, the bigger your damage, with a total Base Power of over 1000 at max gauge.  Even off-type, Ash's buddy move is a delete button.  He and SST Red are the only current team that’s beaten 1000 strength in High Score.  The fucked thing is he's a Striker, and has a sync nuke with a really respectable amount of power behind it too.  His grid layout is immaculate, giving him everything he wants, including a second shot at buddy move, with no energy issues at all.  I remember being annoyed because skills that should cost more just didn't, solely so he could be perfect.  It's annoying.

To make matters worse, Ash brought his plot armor.  Endurance, with a guaranteed second application of it after the first was used, and healing potential.  Ash has so much about just not dying it's ridiculous, and it's really this which propelled him from just a funny numbers man into a legitimate, unstoppable menace.  Buddy Move would always make him relevant, but frail strikers can be overwhelmed, especially in the AoE meta.  But with Double Endurance?  There's a reason you can find a lot of Ash solos.

Obviously, no one has challenged Ash as an Electric-type.  I mean.  Someone did, but we'll...we'll get to that thing.  But there was a competitor.   Champion Marnie came in with the same approach as a striker with Double Endurance. And personally?  I think Marnie does it better.  This is entirely because Marnie has a serious flinch rate behind her attacks.   The power of her moves is devastating, and a well-timed flinch keeps things on lock.  Buuuut there's also a reason Ash's Gauntlet solo count is higher than hers.  Speed control.  Having your moves cost less gauge really is a selling point for Gauntlet solos.  Hint. Hint.

He did get one new playmate in SS Hau.  Who is worse than SST Red, let’s not even pretend.  Hau covers a lot of similar ground, but mostly just has Mind Games debuffs without needing to paralyze the opponent.  That’s it.  That’s all Hau offers to Ash.  And this is the only real change that’s occurred.  Nothing else has mattered to Electric types.

It's hard to talk about Ash's changes across the meta, since...well, I don't have him.  I'd like to say that the new CS parameters slowed him down a little.  But truth be told, I doubt they did.  He just has so much power behind his attacks. It's...hard to talk about Ash with anything other than superlatives.  He's one of those sync pairs I get slightly annoyed at because they're designed to be almost too good.  If this game were more about chasing meta, he'd be both a mandatory pull of his era, and by now hilariously powercrept to irrelevance.  So I guess it speaks well to the structure of the game that he's still among the best to ever do it.  Even if I am very sick of him and Pikachu.  Shoutouts to Liko, am I right?

But what’s really interesting is statistics.  This is informal, and only polls redditors, but it’s a nice microcosm of the broader pool.  Someone monitored EX frequency and rate.  How many players EX’d each pair, and how many players who own that pair have them EX?  Notably, SST Red is top five Master Fairs by absolute value, but not top 10 by rate.  Most people pulled him, but not everyone bothered to EX him, because why would he need it?  Aura Cynthia is top two by rate, but not top 10 by absolute value.  Not everyone got her, but if you did, you likely full invested.  What’s interesting is that Ash isn’t on either list.  That implies that, of the anniversary, Ash was the least pulled.  Which could mean one of two things.  The thing I’d like to believe is that the anime isn’t popular, don’t do this again.  But the more likely outcome?  SST Red was disgusting, and most F2P players knew to put their gems there.  Some may not have, and instead went Cynthia, because despite constant bitching about it, Supports always have value.  Ash, for all his power...is just damage.  And his damage is overkill.  Ash answers a question with some certainty.  There is a such thing as a Striker that goes so far they’re unnecessary.  More is needed than just being big damage.  Hitting for a billion damage isn’t enough when compared to broad utility.

That or he’s just less popular than Red, known favorite child of the masses, and Cynthia, #1 series waifu.  One of those things.

[horatios-harem]

So this evening has been interesting...I had just recommended Hornblower to a friend of mine who said that they were really into historical stuff at the moment, and afterward I started looking through my edits because I had a new potential person to show them to. So I went scrolling through my blog, and found that one of my edits, on a post that I’ve had up since March, had been replaced with...Some random Nick Jonas fan video. And just to prove that this isn’t something I did myself, I included a screenshot of someone’s reblog that was from before the video changed.

I don’t know why this has happened, because as far as I can tell, my original video has a completely different url from the Nick Jonas one. In addition to that, this wasn’t something that happened a long time ago, my original video was up there for several months, but all of the sudden it’s changed. Apparently the Nick Jonas video was uploaded to youtube on July 18th, almost two weeks ago, so my guess is that the video changed that day.

What’s even more interesting (although not that surprising) is that this issue appears to have something to do with tumblr specifically, because if I just write the url to my video, it still leads to my video, and not the Nick Jonas one. But if I write the url to my video in the url section of tumblr’s “video post,” aka this:

It just comes up as this Nick Jonas video:

and if I write the url to the actual Nick Jonas video, it still comes up as the Nick Jonas video.

So to summarize, tumblr has just decided that this:

and this:

are both Nick Jonas and there’s nothing I can do about it hfdskhfdsj (except write out the url normally in a “text post”).

Good news is that this seems to be my only post with this issue, all my other posts with my edits have the correct video, both on this blog and my main blog. I’m curious if other people have dealt with this issue, not in this fandom specifically, but like in general, where tumblr just decides the video you put on a post is actually a different video.

Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of strange bullshit here on tumblr, because it’s tumblr, but this takes the cake for most bizarre.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

APPARENTLY OUR SITUATION WAS NOT UNUSUAL

Enjoy it while it lasts, and get as much done as you can, because you haven't hired any bureaucrats yet. Sites of this type will get their attention. The fact that there's no conventional number. Don't fix Windows, because the remaining. And what drives them both is the number of new shares to the angel; if there were 1000 shares before the deal, this means 200 additional shares. This is not as selfish as it sounds. For the average startup fails. It spread from Fortran into Algol and then to depend on it happening. Seeing the system in use by real users—people they don't know—gives them lots of new ideas is practically virgin territory.

Auto-retrieving spam filters would make the legislator who introduced the bill famous. When someone's working on a problem where their success can be measured, you win. I was a Reddit user when the opposite happened there, and sitting in a cafe feels different from working. However, the easiest and cheapest way for them to do it gets you halfway there. No one uses pen as a verb in spoken English. We'd ask why we even hear about new languages like Perl and Python, the claim of the Python hackers seems to be as big as possible wants to attract everyone. Conditionals. Poetry is as much music as text, so you start to doubt yourself. Between them, these two facts are literally a recipe for exponential growth. In languages, as in any really bold undertaking, merely deciding to do it. I fly over the Valley: somehow you can sense something is going on.

It's easy to be drawn into imitating flaws, because they're trying to ignore you out of existence. Google. Long words for the first time should be the ideas expressed there. If a link is just an empty rant, editors will sometimes kill it even if it's on topic in the sense of beating the system, not breaking into computers. As long as you're at a point in your life when you can bear the risk of failure. I'm less American than I seem. The distinction between expressions and statements. So perhaps the best solution is to add a few more checks on public companies. Let me repeat that recipe: finding the problem intolerable and feeling it must be true that only 1.

Well, I said a good rule of thumb was to stay upwind—to work on a Python project than you could to work on a problem that seems too big, I always ask: is there some way to bite off some subset of the problem. A company that needed to build a factory or hire 50 people obviously needed to raise a large round and risk losing the investors you already have if you can't raise the full amount. And isn't popularity to some extent its own justification? I realize I might seem to be any less committed to the business. Surely that's mere prudence? The measurement of performance will tend to push even the organizations issuing credentials into line. Number 6 is starting to have a piratical gleam in their eye. About a year after we started Y Combinator that the most important skills founders need to learn. When the company goes public, the SEC will carefully study all prior issuances of stock by the company and demand that it take immediate action to cure any past violations of securities laws. Within a few decades old, and rapidly evolving. I didn't say so, but I'm British by birth. Investors tend to resist committing except to the extent you can.

I'm talking to companies we fund? But if we can decide in 20 minutes, should it take anyone longer than a couple days when he presented to investors at Demo Day, the more demanding the application, the more demanding the application, the more extroverted of the two founders did most of the holes are. We funded them because we liked the founders so much. And such random factors will increasingly be able to brag that he was an investor. You'd feel like an idiot using pen instead of write in a different language than they'd use if they were expressed that way. The safest plan for him personally is to stick close to the margin of failure, and the time preparing for it beforehand and thinking about it afterward. The theory is that minor forms of bad behavior encourage worse ones: that a neighborhood with lots of graffiti and broken windows becomes one where robberies occur. S s: n. Bootstrapping Consulting Some would-be founders may by now be thinking, why deal with investors at all, it means you don't need them.

It's not just that you can't judge ideas till you're an expert in a field. And the way to do it gets you halfway there. Angels who only invest occasionally may not themselves know what terms they want. But the raison d'etre of all these institutions has been the same kind of aberration, just spread over a longer period. If someone pays $20,000 from their friend's rich uncle, who they give 5% of the company they take is artificially low. But because seed firms operate in an earlier phase, they need to spend a lot on marketing, or build some kind of announcer. There are millions of small businesses in America, but only a little; they were both meeting someone they had a lot in common with. We present to him what has to be treated as a threat to a company's survival. S i; return s;; This falls short of the spec because it only works for integers. He said their business model was crap.

I was a philosophy major. Programs often have to work actively to prevent your company growing into a weed tree, dependent on this source of easy but low-margin money. And I was a philosophy major. This leads to the phenomenon known in the Valley is watching them. I definitely didn't prefer it when the grass was long after a week of rain. As many people have noted, one of the questions we pay most attention to when judging applications. I'd like to reply with another question: why do people think it's hard to predict, till you try, how long it will take to become profitable. Raising money is the better choice, because new technology is usually more valuable now than later. The purpose of the committee is presumably to ensure that is to create a successful company?

One recently told me that he did as a theoretical exercise—an effort to define a more convenient alternative to the Turing Machine. This is actually less common than it seems: many have to claim they thought of the idea after quitting because otherwise their former employer would own it. If you look at these languages in order, Java, and Visual Basic—it is not so frivolous as it sounds, however. VCs they have introductions to. VCs ask, just point out that you're inexperienced at fundraising—which is always a safe card to play—and you feel obliged to do the same for any firm you talk to. The lower your costs, the more demanding the application, the more important it is to sell something to you, the writer, the false impression that you're saying more than you have. What happens in that shower?

Thanks to Dan Bloomberg, Trevor Blackwell, Garry Tan, Nikhil Pandit, Reid Hoffman, Geoff Ralston, Slava Akhmechet, Paul Buchheit, Ben Horowitz, and Greg McAdoo for the lulz.

[jojotichakorn]

Hey Archer! I’ve seen that you do theories on upcoming episodes of Bad Buddy based on the teasers. I don’t know if you’ve had enough time to analyze the teaser for episode 7, but I’d love to hear your thoughts when you have the time. What you think will happen, what you hope will happen, what will for sure happen. I trust your opinion and I look forward to seeing it every week!

I’d love to know what your predictions are for this upcoming episode!

Thank you as always!

hello, dear!! thank you so much for the trust you put in me, but i must admit this is the first time when i see the teaser for the next episode more as pieces of a broken vase than pieces of a puzzle in a sense that i am going to try my best to put them together, but i feel like i'll definitely not be able to recreate the whole thing.

the thing that bothers me the most at the moment is that i have no clue what order all the things i'm going to be talking about will be in. so instead of presenting a sequence of events like i usually do, i will just discuss all the scenes we will see separately.

so we will obviously have both of them flirting, and they are going to be flirting A LOT throughout the whole episode (which is what most scenes from the teaser show), but otherwise, there are a few specific things that are worth pointing out.

we have this scene, which is once again a lot of flirting:

however, we also see this in the trailer (yes, i take the best screenshots /j):

which is basically just pat freaking out over something, but now that we know he is wearing the same shirt here, i assume that this is him freaking out over the flirting that occurred in the scene before (or maybe pran sends him a text message in this scene after all that's already happened, and it's like a nail in the coffin). i do wonder if pa (who we know is there in that scene as well) will figure something out here, or if her brain is still on a 24/7 ink lockdown (which gods bless tbh, but maybe reflect a bit on that babe), though i do not think that either pat or pran will be directly telling anyone about their feelings and/or relationship at this point in time.

there is also the already beloved "do you still want to be friends?" - "do you?" scene:

here, i think they will still be very much into the competition of it all. pran is pushing pat to his limit and then asking that question, trying to get an answer out of him, and pat intentionally answers with a question, trying to get the same answer out of pran. i think this is something we will see a lot of this episode - them almost getting there, but not quite, because they are still trying to win the stupid bet.

we also have a conversation on the rooftop, where pran says "you and i are both tight-lipped. we will never reveal our feelings if nothing pushes us to do so":

which seems like a pretty lighthearted moment overall (because look how smiley pat is there), but i do think it shows us the issue we will run into this episode, which is exactly that they both won't give in - in part due to keeping that genuine serious confession close to their chests, and in part due to simple competitiveness.

to be honest, i'm not sure what that push might be, but i do have one idea. we definitely know that this scene from the trailer and this scene from the teaser are waiting for us next episode one after another (they are definitely wearing the same clothes here, we have gotten the first moment from a number of angles - there is no doubt about it):

i think that it goes in the order i put the screenshots in because essentially i think that they are gonna be hanging out in pat's room being adorable and flirty, but then someone will come over and pran will ask pat to hide. this is also why pat is coming out of pran's room, while pran looks like he is just coming up to it - pran went to make sure that whoever visited him (whether it be wai or someone else) definitely left, and he has just returned from seeing them off, while pat finally comes out of hiding and is clearly very upset by the whole situation.

i think amidst all this playful flirting and childish competitiveness, the thing that could be the "push" towards one of them admitting their feelings is a serious moment that suddenly occurs. and this could be it. the whole episode will be so cute and lighthearted, but suddenly we will have this moment, where pat is very genuinely sad about what's happened. and i see where the people who think that pat will be the first to confess are coming from, but wouldn't it be just incredible if it was pran? if after this happens, pran goes to pat and says that he doesn't care and that he's ready to lose because he wants pat to know that he loves him, he needs pat to know that he loves him. and so pran will be the one who gives in first, and we're getting happy official boyfriends by the end of the episode this way!!

[irenedubrovna]

A post regarding Euphoria for the benefit of myself and basically no one else

So, it really bothers me when people say Euphoria is groundbreaking, progressive media. Here’s a dissection of why I don’t think it is, because this is what I feel like doing at work:

The character of Rue is objectively great. She by far receives the least overt sexualization, and is treated neutrally in terms of active sexuality. She’s treated like a normal teenage girl with mental issues and an addiction to drugs. She falls in love with a girl who she pines for and places on a pedestal. The reason I think she is written this way is because she is a Sam Levinson proxy. She written with gender ambiguity and with little regard to the experiences she’d go through as a black gay female, probably because Sam Levinson has no insight to that aspect of life. Her performance is heightened of course by Zendaya, who breathes unique life to the Sam Levinson’s artistic extension, and without her performance this show would not get even half the acclaim it gets. Attribute that to Zendaya of course, because the director has done little to deserve this acclaim.

The rest of the females, sans Lexi, are pornified to a disgusting extent, not only due to the fact that they are supposed to be underage, but also because their existence as people is treated as being absolutely secondary to their sexual appeal. They are foremost presented in terms of their relation to sex. Cassie, Maddy, Jules, and Kat cannot be removed from their sexuality without disrupting the plot or their journeys in relation to the plot. Why are the females so intrinsically linked to uber fetishized versions of female sexuality, or uber fetishized versions of blossoming female sexual identity?

Maddy is presented not only scantily clad 90 percent of the time, but also dressed in a precariously unattainable sexual fashion. At any given time she is styled to look straight out of, simultaneously, a high fashion editorial, and a “barely legal” porno. She is airheaded and profane, and promiscuous, her mannerisms dictated by the adult films she’s “studied” in order to project an image of perfect hyper sexual femininity. She’s complacent in becoming a prototypical housewife because it will earn her a comfortable place as a trophy wife. She has no aspirations beyond that. So, let’s unpack all of that. Maddy’s role in the show is mostly passive. The most active thing she does in the plot is revenge fuck a man in the pool of a party. Nearly everything else she does in the show that is plot relevant is of someone else’s volition. Even less of what she in the show is related to anything other than a man. She is abused and then pressured into framing another man for said abuse. She has no agency as a character. The only notable difference to this rule is when she takes drugs at a carnival, knocks a pot of chili over, and calls her ex’s mom a cunt. Removed from her active sexual life and carefully cultivated aesthetic, she’s a trite stereotype of an unambitious girlfriend who gets treated poorly. I see people call Maddy iconic, but if she wasn’t gorgeous and well dressed, I doubt anyone would even think twice about her, let alone create fancams and Instagram pages dedicated to her. She exists as a plot device, and as pretty set dressing to build up the shows aesthetic. Her emotions are not well explored, her motivations are sexist, and she is often there to be demeaned, objectified, or to say a bad word. The most damning part of her involvement in this show is her episode where it is stated that she, as a fourteen year old girl, lost her virginity to an adult man, and it is stated she was in control of the situation. This is a dangerous thing to say about a character, to any audience, but especially a young one. To imply that a precocious young girl was in control during her first sexual encounter with a much much older man implies things that frankly border on rape apologist ideology. This show states this unflinchingly and with no further elaboration. If there’s one thing that tells you that Euphoria is a bad show, let it be that. Also, if there’s one thing that tells you about Sam Levinson as a person, and the way he views girls and women, let it fucking be that.

Jules is a young trans girl. She also likes to have sex with men as a means to “conquer femininity”. Scratch that, she likes to have degrading sex with older men in order to “conquer femininity”. This mindset is shown to be toxic, of course, but I think the problem with this idea in general is that there’s no deeper exploration for what this mindset means. It implies that she believes women are the sum of their intrigue and degradations. This mindset I can only assume would be a cultivation of dysphoria and internalized misogyny, which this series is absolutely not prepared to address in a tactful manner. Jules is a teenager with mental illness, trauma, and is undergoing an identity crisis. There’s something powerful in her character, something worth saying, however we only get trimmings of those meaningful things, and are ultimately left with a hurtful depiction of a trans girl because all of her musings on womanhood and identity are incomplete, and they fail to reach beyond the surface of their thesis statement. She wears colorful clothing, is overtly feminine and artistic in her presentation. Everything about her screams insecurity over her own womanhood. That is the crux of her character. Now, I think we should ask ourselves, is trans person who is insecure about their identity peak representation? Is this what trans people deserve? Is it “groundbreaking “? If this show was run by someone else, I might be inclined to say that there’s nothing insidious about this, but this is the guy that made Assassination Nation, so I think we know what he thinks of young women, the way they should be portrayed (that is, for the capitulation of a man) and realize his inclusion of a trans woman in his cast is no more meaningful than the inclusion of any other woman. Women to him are made to be categorized and should, at the end of the day, be easily palatable for the capitulation of a man. The device of having Jules being interested in older men and rough sex for identity reasons is transparent. Trans women are exploited and objectified with a similar fervor to cis women, the caveat being that they are “a forbidden fruit” of sorts to straight men. Jules is sissified, her presentation fetishistic. Her role in the plot is more involved. Her relationship with Rue is sweet, though toxic on both sides. She is ultimately betrayed, blackmailed, and snowballs into something of a manic episode, all well portrayed by Hunter Schafer, but I don’t think her inclusion in the show absolves it of any of its many sins.

Let’s talk about Cassie. Cassie is the Eurocentric beauty standard exemplified. She is the blonde haired blue eyed girl next store, and her boobs are of course always on display. She is notably promiscuous, something I say right off the bat because that’s how she’s introduced, as a so called slut through the words of the devil (Nate Jacobs). She is a girl with daddy issues, which we are all familiar with at this point. Her sexual boundaries begin and end at the whim of her partner. The terms of her consent are much like the terms of consent of many young girls brainwashed by society and the rising tide of degradation porn: everything is alright as long as you provide them comfort and affirmation afterward. You can touch them roughly without asking, you can use them as a tool to affirm your masculinity. This is the way men prefer their women now: just broken enough to say yes to anything they want. It’s become a joke at this point. Men like girls with issues, but only the ones that will feed their own desires. Cassie Howard is meek. Her inclusion in the plot I suppose ties to themes of drug addiction and how it divides and destroys the people you love. It doesn’t show what it does to her beyond shaping her sexual encounters, which is no surprise. Overall I’d say Cassie is in this roster of females as the most traditional categorically, in relation to how men view women and further how they sexualize them. She has a relationship with someone who doesn’t really love her. That mostly what she does here. Gets used. Doesn’t drive the plot or conflict much. More pretty set dressing. More aesthetics. How this show consists of so many women but is driven so much by men is unsurprising, and, again, very enlightening in the grand scheme of things.

Lastly we touch on Kat. I’d like to begin with the fact that self actualization through sexual exploration, in a show run by a man, is just a cloak for a woman to gratify the audience with her sexuality. Regardless of whether or not she is plus sized, this is overt objectification. She is on this show to be sexy. Beyond that, the fact that a minor using sex work as a form of liberation is disgusting. Whether or not she is portrayed as “owning” her sexuality is negligible, and speaks to the same mindset discussed with Maddy. Minors cannot fucking consent to sex, sexual acts, or anything within the confines of such. It’s crazy that this occurs with two different characters in such a similar way. It has echoes of “Well, she looked older..” and “Well, she wanted it..” or “She’s advanced for her age”. Never, not once in the events of the series is there meaningful introspection on what doing this kind of thing does to a minor. Moreover, these acts are explicit, and made clearly for sexual gratification. None of these things are absolved by the fact that she’s plus sized. If anything, her body type is fetishized in this context. It’s also another case of a “good girl to bad girl” transformation, which are archaic and, of course, sexist. With the rise of adult websites targeting minors for explicit content, this is even more reprehensible. Once again, in terms of representation, is this really what speaks to you as progressive? Groundbreaking? A girl gains control of her own narrative by having sex with lots of men. She gains control by being sexy. She gains control by dehumanizing and objectifying herself. No she doesn’t. Media controlled by men will tell this story to you thousands of times, don’t listen because she’s bigger than a size four.

ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE UNDERAGE. ALL OF THEM HAVE EXPLICIT SEX SCENES, EVEN THE SEXUAL ASSAULT IS MADE CINEMATICALLY PORNIFIED. THESE SHOTS ARE MADE TO BE OBJECTIVELY SEXY. THIS IS NOT A CASE OF SOMEONE CREATING SOMETHING FOR THE SAKE OF REALISM. IT IS ABOUT MAKING SCENES THAT SPEAK TO A MALE AUDIENCE. THAT CATER TO THE MALE GAZE. ARGUE WITH THE WALL.

I won’t go further into the plot, other characters, or the structure or the episodes for sake of brevity, but I felt compelled to air my thoughts on this to the void. I can only hope I was critical enough that Sam Levinson will one day see this and cry because another bad feminist thinks something that he made sucks

[ibis-gt]

I honestly would love to read about the first time Cam finds out Luther is shrinking because he has feelings for him. In that hanahaki disease au.

ask and ye shall receive.... cam figures it out. just shy of 2000 words.

~~~

“Aaaand… there,” Cam said, and gave the screwdriver one final twist. He pulled on the little contraption in front of him a few times to test its stability and sat back on his haunches, finally satisfied. “You’re all set.”

It is one of four little rope and pulley elevator systems that he’d set up around Luther’s apartment. It consisted of a small wooden plank that Luther could stand on and use the rope system to raise or lower himself. Each one was operable at height ranges between about a foot and a half to four inches. They let him get up onto his sofa, his bed, the kitchen counter, and the bathroom sink.

“You really didn’t have to do all that,” Luther protested from his position just behind Cam. “I mean, I don’t get that small that often, I probably won’t use them that much.”

Cam laughed and pushed a stray wisp of hair out of his face, looking up at Luther. “What are you talking about? You’re always shrinking around me. It’s okay, I’m happy to help. That’s what friends are for.” He watched the usual blush spread across Luther’s face, the telltale shiver run down his spine, and smiled as Luther shrank another inch. He’d lost some height here and there during the installation process as they chatted, and had gone down to about five foot even, if Cam had to guess. “Anyway, you let me know if you have any trouble with these, and I’ll be over to fix ‘em as soon as I can. And there’s the bells if you’re in any real trouble - those strings there, see? They’re hooked up to a bell in my apartment, ring that and I’ll come right over.”

“My cat’ll have a field day with them,” Luther murmured, brow furrowing. “Maybe we should do something other than string.”

Cam chewed on the end of his screwdriver in contemplation. “Hm. Good point. I’ll figure something out later.” He slipped the screwdriver in his toolbelt and slapped his hands on thighs as he stood up. “Well! I’d better get back to my place and start dinner. You’re coming over, right?”

“Oh! As long as it’s not an imposition? I mean, I don’t want to be any trouble…”

“Nah, s’alright, you’re always welcome. Spaghetti and meatballs tonight. See you in an hour?”

Luther’s blush deepened and he lost another two inches. “S-see you then,” he managed.

Cam chuckled fondly to himself as he left. He tried not to think of Luther’s condition as cute or funny, because when the shrinking was really bad it put the poor guy in danger. But he couldn’t help but find it amusing when Luther lost just a little height, ending up just a slightly shorter version of himself. And when he went on one of his long rambles and shrank a little bit at a time all throughout, it put Cam in mind of a deflating balloon, which was just too silly not to laugh at. And when he ended up really tiny, and he was just like a little doll, and fit so perfectly in the palm of Cam’s hand…

Cam shook his head to clear his thoughts. No, that was too far. He shouldn’t think like that, no doubt it was terrifying for Luther to be so small and vulnerable. He sighed as he shouldered his door open, hands full of leftover wood and string. He set them on the little table where he kept his keys by the door, then unbuckled his toolbelt and hung it on the coat rack, lost in thought.

He’d been puzzling over what caused Luther to shrink for a while now. Was it just at random? Was it like an allergic reaction, and some kind of food or environmental thing kicked it off? He had a brief vision of Luther sneezing and instantly shrinking down to bug size. No, knock it off, he chastised himself, not funny. A little funny. But don’t laugh at it.

Anyway, he hadn’t seen Luther ever sneeze when he shrank, so that probably wasn’t it. What were the symptoms? He’d make a list, that would help him narrow it down.

Cam slipped an apron over his head - one of the novelty ones his sister kept getting him, he didn’t bother to read the witty joke about buns printed on the front - and started on the dough for his spaghetti. Whenever possible, he liked to make things from scratch. Besides, having something to do with his hands let his mind work better. He worked the problem around in his mind just like he worked the dough in front of him, kneading it, pushing it around, looking at it from different angles.

So. What were the warning signs? Luther tended to get awkward and shy just before he shrank. He’d blush, stammer or trip over his words, either avoid eye contact or stare like he couldn’t look away, and of course the final sign was that signature shiver right before a loss of height. A lot of those symptoms could be attributed to anxiety as well - was that what triggered the shrinking, just whenever he was anxious? But that couldn’t be it, Luther had been anxious plenty of times without shrinking. Not to mention he worked a high-stress job, waiting tables at a local diner, and wouldn’t be able to make it through the day if anxiety made him shrink. So that wasn’t it.

Cam rolled the dough out flat and cut it into strips. He hung the fresh noodles up to dry and put water on to boil, then opened the fridge and pulled out the meatballs he’d shaped that morning.

His brain kept chugging along on the issue as he worked, hands going on automatic. He came back to the present long enough to taste the sauce he’d made, hem and haw, and add a little more garlic, then went right back to it. There was something tugging at the back of his mind, trying to get his attention, but he couldn’t quite grasp it.

A sound startled him out of his thoughts - the ringing of a bell.

“Shoot,” Cam hissed, dropping the sauce spoon. It clattered onto the stove and left little pools of sauce cooling on the glass surface. He’d deal with that later though, Luther needed him now. He switched the burners to low and headed for the door.

Luther’s door was locked, so he had to duck back inside his apartment to grab the spare key. He opened the door slowly and called out.

“Luther? Was that just the cat, or do you need me?” Cam scanned the room, looking for that distinctive neon green jumpsuit. It clashed horribly with everything, but it was useful for spotting him when he ended up tiny. Sure enough, there he was by the strings for the bell, waving an arm to get Cam’s attention. He was easy to spot, as far as things went, standing about a foot tall. Cam hurried over.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Do you need help?” Cam took a knee in front of Luther and leaned in close, inspecting him for injuries. Luther took a step back, startled by the sudden rush of worry, and Cam made himself pull back as well. It had to be scary to have someone looming over you like that, he told himself, give him a little space.

“I-I’m fine,” Luther said. “I just… well, this happened, and now I can’t really open my door, so I was hoping you could give me a lift over for dinner? Sorry, I shouldn’t’ve used the bell. I could’ve texted you.”

The tension flooded out of Cam and he laughed in relief. “No, that’s fine, I just jumped to conclusions. I can give you a lift, sure.” He cupped his hands and held them out to Luther, who climbed on and settled in, sitting down with his legs crossed. Cam rose slowly, being careful not to jostle Luther, and began to amble back towards the door. A thought occurred to him.

“What did it?” Cam asked.

Luther looked up, startled. “What did what?”

‘“What made you shrink this time? I’ve been trying to work it out on my own and I’m just not getting it. There’s gotta be a common thread, right, you’re not just shrinking at random?”

Luther stared at him in open-mouthed shock, face growing steadily redder.

“I mean,” Cam continued, “if you were just shrinking at random, it’d be hard to hold down a job, y’know? Do you ever shrink at work? And anyway, didn’t you say - ” His eyes widened as that thing that had been nagging at him finally became clear. “You said you don’t shrink all the time! But you shrink pretty often whenever I’m around. Am I doing it, somehow?”

“No, no, no,” Luther said hurriedly, but Cam could feel him getting smaller.

“Oh, liar!” Cam chortled. “Nice try, Pinnochio, but I’m literally holding you right now. Is it actually me?”

“It’s - it’s not - not always?” Luther was practically cowering away from him now, and Cam realized he’d been a little harsh.

“Oh shoot, I’m sorry. Look, we don’t have to talk about it, okay? It’s your business, I shouldn’t’ve pried.”

“No, I… I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while, it’s just… hard to say out loud, um…” Luther fidgeted with the collar of his jumpsuit, avoiding Cam’s eyes. He was red as a tomato, mouth drawn up in an adorable little pout, and so small and cute that Cam’s heart ached. Then it clicked.

“Oh. Is it me, like… because you like me?” Cam asked. “Like, you have a crush on me, is that it?”

Luther let out a sound like a tea kettle whistling, shrinking down at an alarming rate to only five inches tall. Cam couldn’t help himself. He laughed so hard he snorted. When he finally got a hold on himself again, the wounded look on Luther’s face sobered him instantly.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, but you don’t know how long I’ve been trying to work this out, and the answer’s been right in front of my face the whole time! I swear I’m laughing at myself, not at you. Anyway, you wanna go out sometime?”

Luther gaped up at him for a long moment. His mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. Finally he shut his mouth and nodded furiously. Cam grinned.

“Or this could be like our first date, right? I’ll get some candles and dim the lights. We could even 'Lady and the Tramp' it with the spaghetti! Or - okay, okay, sorry, I’ll stop.” Luther had started to shrink again, and Cam didn’t want his cooking to go to waste just because his guest was too small to eat it. “Hey, I joke a lot, but I want you to know I’m being serious here,” he said gently. “I’d like to go out with you, if you’re alright with it. Is it going to cause problems, though? Like are you going to shrink every time we’re together?”

Luther shifted and looked away, finally finding his voice. “I - I don’t know. The doctor said if I told you about how I felt, it would get easier. But he didn’t say it would go away entirely… if that’s not something you want to put up with, we don’t have to - ”

“No, no, that’s fine, I don’t mind it. Just if it was a problem for you, is all. I like you a lot, Luther. I’d love to be your partner, if you’ll have me.”

Luther looked back up at Cam with a huge, genuine, relieved smile on his teeny tiny face. Cam’s heart melted.

“I’d like that.”

[kar-krashew]

my someplace is here [AO3]

Five times Alec gay panics at a bus stop (ft. umbrellas, jackets, and a bus driver who really isn't paid enough for this).

rated: T

for @rainyhuman and @peachygos (ily!)

This is so cliché and over the top and I have absolutely no regrets <3. Sometimes (always) Alec is a himbo who is in love and his actions reflect this entirely. I don't control these things.

One.

Alec Lightwood doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but the man across the bus stop is absolutely gorgeous, and he’s twirling in the rain like a goddamn movie cliché, and Alec’s first thought is holy shit, so maybe Alec Lightwood is an idiot, and love at first sight is definitely a Thing.

Alec’s second thought is that the man is an absolute maniac— because really, the dude doesn’t even have a coat on— but Alec’s the one with an insane urge to kiss a stranger in the middle of the street, so, whatever; They’re probably both maniacs.

Alec’s third thought is that he’s about to miss his bus. Shit.

—

Two.

For the record, Alec does not usually walk into bus stop poles while staring at his phone, nor does he usually yell out “Ow, shit — !” if the aforementioned event does happen to occur. He does, however, end up doing both of these things at once a week later, and the stifled laughter behind him informs him that someone at the stop has definitely seen him, and he’s never going to live this down, ever.

“I’ve personally found that walking around an obstacle tends to be much more effective, darling,” the someone says, and Alec supposes that was called for, but hey, rude. He looks up to face the speaker, preparing himself to be offended, and—

Oh.

It’s the beautiful stranger from last time.

The man smirks at him from the bench, drenched again, and God, he’s even prettier up close. Brown eyes, smudged eyeliner, water trickling down his neck, with a tunic open down to his navel and pants that look painted on— Alec’s brain is short-circuiting.

“Hit your head a little hard there? Or do you just see something you like?”

“Huh?” Alec glances up from where he’s been staring at the man’s collarbones.

“I asked if you saw something you liked, pretty boy,” the man repeats.

Alec opens his mouth, presumably to say something that would be considered appropriate and normal in this situation, but he somehow misses his own memo and instead stammers out: “I, uh, I have an umbrella.”

He prays the rain will have mercy and just drown him on the spot.

The man’s brow quirks upwards in amusement. “Excuse me?”

Alec, unfortunately, is still alive, so he must now suffer the embarrassment he’s managed to cause himself and find a way to explain whatever has just come out of his mouth. He ducks his head, trying to avoid eye contact as he speaks. “If you want it,” he elaborates, “I have an umbrella I can give you.”

The stranger just looks at him for a moment. Alec’s sure he’s going to be told to fuck off (which would be a perfectly understandable reaction and probably have been his own in this situation) but after another second, the man defies all of his expectations and grins, so wide that it steals a little of Alec’s breath away.

“Handsome and chivalrous, I see. Do you make a habit of offering your belongings to strangers?” the guy asks. “Besides, I’m sure you’ll need it later. Perhaps you should rescind your offer, I promise I won’t harbor any grudges.”

“I have a coat,” Alec insists, “and you’re. . .” —incredibly attractive, doing things to my brain function— “more in need of its services.”

He’s not really sure why he’s so adamant about this, especially since the man is right: he will be needing the umbrella later, but his pride’s involved now, and he hasn’t really been thinking things through for the past ten minutes anyway. He might as well argue about his dumb umbrella with a beautiful man at a bus stop.

“I suppose you’re right,” comes the man’s response. He taps painted nails against his chin as he hums. “I’m not in much of a position to refuse, now, am I? Though, I doubt I’d refuse any position with you involved,” he winks. “But, yes, if you’re being serious, I shall gladly accept your umbrella.”

Alec blinks. He honestly did not think that argument would’ve worked. (He chooses to ignore the blatant innuendo to preserve his sanity for now.)

“Well?” the man prompts.

“Oh! Yeah, sure.” Really, the whole zoning-out-while-staring-at-the-hot-guy thing is going to become a problem very fast if Alec keeps doing it every two minutes. He gathers his thoughts enough to fumble with the umbrella in his hand and give it to the man, who accepts it with a graceful flourish.

“I’m Magnus Bane, by the way,” the man offers. “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.”

“I’m Alec. Lightwood. My name’s Alec Lightwood.”

Magnus holds out a ring-covered hand from where he’s sitting. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Alec. Short for Alexander, I presume?”

“Yeah,” Alec nods. He reaches out to shake Magnus’s hand, adding, “but no one really calls me that.”

Magnus’s smile turns into something incredibly flirty, and Alec can feel his cheeks heating up. “I like to be special, Alexander,” the other says, “and it suits you far better.”

Alec’s not really sure how to respond to that, because the way Magnus says his name is doing things to him, and that, combined with the fact that he’s still clutching Magnus’s soft hand in his own, is probably going to give him a heart attack. He’s about to say something decidedly stupid about Magnus already being special and perfect and amazing when the bus saves him from humiliation and pulls up next to them.

Alec releases Magnus’s grip to awkwardly gesture at the vehicle. “I should really. . . you know,” he trails off, and Magnus blinks at him for a second, surprised.

“Oh, right! You should get going, places to be and all that.” He waves his hand through the air dismissively. “I’ll return your umbrella to you next week, same time?”

Alec smiles dopily as he nods. “That sounds great.” He takes a step back. “I’ll see you soon, then?”

“Of course.” Magnus gives him a little wave. “It was lovely to meet you, Alexander. Safe travels.”

“Thanks, uh, you too.”

Having to walk home in the rain is so worth it.

—

Three.

Izzy laughs at Alec for the entire week when she finds out why his umbrella’s been missing, then makes it worse by telling Jace, who gives Alec an incredibly long-winded speech about umbrellas as metaphors for protection during sex or something. He also deigns to throw a condom at Alec’s face when he leaves to get the bus, which sends Izzy into another bout of cackling laughter.

They’re both assholes, and Alec is never going to cover for them at family dinners ever again.

So he’s scrolling through his phone at the bus stop, trying his best to ignore the increasingly obscene texts his siblings are sending him, when Magnus shows up, bright and beaming and decidedly dry this time, though he’s still not wearing a jacket despite the cold.

And dear lord. If Alec thought Magnus looked gorgeous while soaked in rainwater, this is something else entirely. Gold-streaked hair, unbuttoned shirt, immaculate matching eyeshadow— fuck.

“Alexander!” Magnus greets. He sits down beside Alec on the bench, and grins as he hands over Alec’s umbrella. “Finally a little dry, hm? Though I might’ve underestimated the cold and left my coat back home.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. “Not that you were wearing one when it was raining.” He’s trying his best not to stare at Magnus’s mouth, but the man is very close to Alec’s face right now, and he cannot be blamed if his gaze slips a few times, okay? He’s only human.

Magnus shrugs, drawing Alec’s sight to his shoulders instead. “Coats are irrelevant, anyway. I haven’t worn mine all week, so I might as well continue the trend,” he remarks, and Alec snorts.

“I don’t think that’s as impressive as you think it is. You sound like a petulant toddler. How have you not had, like, five colds by now?” he says. Magnus feigns a pout in response, and Alec stifles a laugh.

“Such cruelty, Alexander!” Magnus replies, “Ah, I suppose I’ll just have to suffer the elements until I’m finally back home again, since no one seems to harbor any sympathy for me. Woe is me, and all that.” He tightens his hands around his biceps, rubbing up and down to warm himself up while sighing dramatically, and Alec, well,

Alec gets a really stupid idea.

“Do you want my jacket?” he asks. “I won’t be out in the cold for that long, and I’m wearing a much warmer shirt than you are.”

Magnus’s lips part in surprise as something conflicted flashes behind his eyes. “I—” he starts, then clears his throat. “I wasn’t being serious, darling. That’s your jacket.”

“Is that a no?”

There’s a moment of silence before Magnus shakes his head. “No, it’s not. I, uh, I’d love that.”

Alec beams, and Magnus clears his throat again. “You’re horribly trusting of someone you’ve only met twice,” he says, voice a little strangled, but Alec just shrugs as he begins to wrestle the black fabric off of his shoulders.

“It’s just a jacket,” he explains, leaning closer to drape it over Magnus, “Even if I never got it back, at least you wouldn’t freeze to death on your way to wherever you’re headed.” He fixes the lapels dutifully, and smiles to himself. “Besides, you’ve already given me my umbrella. I trust you.”

“Is that so,” Magnus answers weakly, which prompts Alec to look up from his fiddling, and oh wow, their mouths are so close to each other’s.

If Magnus inches in just a little bit closer, then they’d—

They’d—

“Um!” Alec jerks backwards, face flushing, “Yes, uh,” he stammers, trying not to look overwhelmed. It’s not going great, because moving back means that he’s now being treated to the sight of Magnus in Alec’s jacket, and he’s having some issues thinking properly right now. It swallows Magnus’s wrists almost entirely and looks far too plain for his expensive printed shirt, but fuck. It’s possible that Alec didn’t think this through.

Magnus opens his mouth, hopefully to tell Alec to kiss him but also probably to tell him to fuck completely off for whatever move they almost pulled, but the bus suddenly turns the corner and pulls into view, cutting him off.

Alec’s not sure whether he’s relieved or furious about this.

“Next week, then,” he ventures. Magnus blinks at him slowly, then nods.

“Yes, of course,” he smiles softly. “Next week.”

—

Four.

“Remind me again, why your presence is necessary today?” Alec grits through his teeth, tightly gripping his umbrella as the rain pours down on them. Izzy punches his arm, not even looking up from her phone as she does so, where she is no doubt giving Jace a play-by-play of Alec’s every action as they walk towards the bus stop.

“Because I’m never one to miss out on good blackmail content,” she replies, which is true. She’s got about four folder’s worth of content of “embarrassing shit Alec has done” on her phone, most of it consisting of his painful attempts at being straight in high school, and Alec’s pretty sure she’s started a fifth, probably titled “Alec’s horrible attempts at flirting with men,” which isn’t that much better than the straight one. Alec is debating turning around and just walking to his destination so that his sister won’t be able to gain more content for her virtual blackmail folders, which is exactly when Magnus comes into Alec’s field of vision.

Alec freezes in his tracks. Holy shit.

Magnus is standing in the center of the street again, drenched from head to toe with his head thrown back . The streetlights illuminate him from above, highlighting the curve of his neck and the colored streaks in his hair as he laughs to himself, staring up at the stars.

He looks ethereal. Alec’s never been one for the romantics, but he’s pretty sure this is what poets mean when they talk about true love and angels and immortal moments in time.

“Oh, he’s hot,” Izzy whispers approvingly. Alec agrees, because, obviously, but he pretends he’s unaffected and straightens his face.

“He’s probably freezing,” he says instead. Izzy rolls her eyes— she gets that from him, he really should stop doing that— and then, before Alec can stop her, calls out.

“Hey! Hot Umbrella Guy!”

What the fuck.

“Are you insane?” Alec hisses. He was trying to look nonchalant and not like the totally lovestruck idiot he is, but now Izzy is waving at Magnus like a maniac and Magnus has noticed them and is walking towards them and Alec is going to die. He’s going to write Izzy out of his will and then he is going to collapse into a heap of embarrassment and gay panic right here, and it’s going to be his sister’s fault.

“Relax a little, hermano,” Izzy replies, and before Alec can provide her with an alphabetized list for every reason he cannot relax, Magnus is already standing before them, smiling as water trickles from his hair.

God, he’s beautiful.

“Hello, hello!” he greets. Alec suddenly notices that Magnus is wearing Alec’s jacket, which is, well. Something. (Izzy is never going to let him live this down, and also Alec is having a very hard time thinking any thoughts.)

Magnus seems to notice Alec’s wandering line of sight, following it and glancing down, eyes widening. “Oh my god, I was fully intending to return this to you, I’m so sorry. I got a little distracted. I’ll have it cleaned and returned to you next time, I promise,” he explains. Alec shakes his head.

“No worries,” he manages, cutting himself off before he says something even stupider like “it’s yours forever” or “marry me” or something, and Izzy snorts from beside him. Alec hates her.

“Thank you,” Magnus says, then turns to face Izzy, “And what may I call you, dear?”

“I like him,” Izzy declares, in what Alec assumes is meant to be a reassuring whisper but instead ends up being incredibly loud, “I’m Izzy, Alec’s sister. And I assume you’re the elusive Magnus I’ve heard so much about?”

“Izzy,” Alec warns. Magnus smirks and shakes her hand.

“The one and only,” he confirms. There’s a mischievous sort of glint in his eye as he glances back up at Alec, and Alec’s not sure how he feels about Magnus and his sister already getting along so well, but he’s sure it can’t lead anywhere good.

“Well, Isabelle,” Magnus says, “If I asked him, do you think your brother would join me for a dance?”

Alec chokes. “What?” he splutters. Magnus turns his grin to face him.

“If I asked, Alexander, would you join me for a dance?”

“I—” Alec starts, staring down at the hand Magnus has outstretched in front of him. There are so many reasons he should say no, and so many reasons this is a bad idea, but also the most beautiful man Alec has ever seen is holding his hand out for him to take, and what else is he supposed to do? “Yeah,” he says. “Sure.”

The first thing Alec notices is how soft Magnus’s hand is in his as he pulls him out into the rain, laughing as it hits his face again, and Alec can’t help but laugh along even as water soaks into his shoes and drenches into his socks. There’s something so childish about it; giggling and spinning in an empty street without any music, holding hands like toddlers, and Alec wouldn’t have it any other way.

“You’re thinking too much,” Magnus murmurs, then he tilts his head back and closes his eyes. “It’s about being in the moment.”

Alec smiles. If only he knew, all he’s thinking about is this moment: how the water catches in Magnus’s lashes, how he’s humming something entirely off-key under his breath, the way he presses against Alec’s chest. Fuck. Alec’s known this man for three days, and he’s halfway in love already.

He closes his eyes against the rain, too, and smiles at the thought: loving a man like Magnus Bane.

Yeah, he could get used to that.

—

Five.

When Alec reaches the bus stop today, Magnus is nowhere to be seen and Alec’s jacket is sitting in a bag at the bus stop with a little post it signed with the letter “M.”

It’s fine, Alec tells himself. Magnus is probably just busy with something else, and this has nothing to do with the fact that Alec froze up awkwardly when Magnus kissed him on the cheek last week, to the point where Magnus had to nervously laugh it off because Alec was too busy panicking.

It’s a flimsy argument, but it keeps Alec from losing his mind for about fifteen minutes until the bus pulls up early and Alec realizes that this is it. He’s not going to see Magnus this week— maybe not ever again, if Magnus has decided that Alec’s gay panic is not worth his time, and Alec wouldn’t even blame him.

God, he feels so stupid. If he hadn’t acted like a complete idiot last time, then he would’ve at least had some closure.

“Sir, are you getting on or are you waiting for another bus?”

Alec blinks, glancing up to see the bus driver raising her eyebrow at him. “Right, sorry, give me just a mo—”

“Alec!”

It can’t be.

“Alexander!”

Alec spins on his heel, turning to face whoever called his name, and oh my god, it’s Magnus. He’s running up to the bus stop, waving frantically, and Alec is overcome with such a large wave of relief that he forgets that the bus driver’s been waiting for him for like five minutes now and he climbs off and runs towards Magnus, only vaguely registering the sound of the bus leaving without him. He doesn’t even care; Magnus is standing right in front of him, panting heavily but still so beautiful and perfect, and Alec would walk home everyday if he got to see Magnus because of it.

“Alexander,” Magnus huffs, gathering his breath. He absentmindedly reaches out to grab Alec’s shoulder, and Alec immediately wraps his arms around his waist to stabilize him. “Oh lord, one second, I ran all the way here.”

“I thought you were gone,” Alec says, still holding onto him. “You left the jacket and I thought—” he trails off.

Magnus frowns. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “I thought I’d made you uncomfortable last week and didn’t want to make it worse, but I didn’t realize how rude not showing up would be. I know you probably don’t feel the same way but perhaps we can still be friends? I can be completely professional about it, though you seem to have just missed your bus—”

Alec grabs Magnus’s tunic (because he’s still not wearing a jacket, Jesus Christ) and kisses him.

Magnus blinks at him when they pull away. “Oh,” he says, a little breathless, and Alec smiles.

“I don’t want to be professional about it,” he admits.

“Oh. . .”

Magnus still seems shell-shocked, so Alec makes a move to let go of him, shifting his arm away from Magnus’s waist, but then Magnus leans back in and presses his mouth back to Alec’s and oh, nevermind then.

Alec’s not sure how long they spend there, kissing like handsy teenagers under the roof of the bus stop, but he’s aware of a few cars passing (and possibly another bus), so he’s not ignorant of the fact that it’s definitely been a while when they finally pull away for more than a second. Magnus is staring at his mouth when they part, though, which is not helping Alec’s resolve to actually have a conversation about this.

“We should talk,” he manages, and Magnus nods, still staring at his mouth.

“Right,” he agrees. “That would be a wise course of action.” His eyes flick upwards for just a moment, and something flickers behind them before he beams. “My place is two stops away, if you’d like to talk there. Perhaps we can wait for the next bus together, since we seemed to have missed the one I usually take? It might take a while, though.”

Ah. Alec swallows back a grin of his own. “Of course,” he replies, “I don’t suppose you know any way to keep us busy till then?”

“I’m sure I could think of something.”

(The bus comes late, and they still somehow almost miss it. Alec refuses to take any blame for this.)

—

+ One.

Alec Lightwood didn’t believe in love at first sight, but the man standing at the bus stop is smiling softly at him as he approaches, twirling an umbrella between his hands as he waits, and Alec’s first thought is holy shit, so maybe Alec Lightwood was an idiot, because what else could it have been?

“Hello, stranger,” the man says when Alec finally reaches the stop. He glances down, taking in Alec’s rain-soaked button down and slacks, and grins. “Forget your umbrella back home?”

Alec laughs. “My coat, too,” he agrees. “I got distracted this morning.”

Magnus hums, leaning in to kiss the rain off of Alec’s mouth, and Alec smiles into it, tasting the faint wax of lipstick and the salt of the rain. “Must’ve been a pretty good distraction.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. He leans in again, because he can. They have time. “He is.”

Magnus’s lips have got a lovely little tilt to them by the time they pull away, tint slightly smudged from Alec’s attention, and he’s never looked more beautiful, even with the dingy lighting of the shitty bus stop they’re standing under.

God, Alec loves him. He feels a little stupid with the feeling, and he can’t help but step back out onto the rain, holding out his hand.

“Hey,” he murmurs. Magnus’s eyes light up with understanding. “Care to join me for a dance?” And sure, Alec’s shit at dancing, and sure, they have to get on the bus sopping wet minutes later, but they’re both giggling like idiots and clutching the umbrella together between their intertwined hands and Alec’s got a little ring box in his pocket just waiting for the right moment, so what else matters?

They’ll probably have to invite the bus driver to the wedding, though. It’s only fair.

[noretreatnancy]

Regarding the s3 fight I 100% agree with you, both parties were at fault for it but I'll never forgive the writers how they solved the issue. Jonathan apologized to Nancy, saying how wrong he was, in my opinion he never really doubted her story that there was something wrong with the rats, he admitted himself that was something weird going on. He was frustrated with losing the job so he said things out of anger.

Nancy on the other hand never apologized for her comments regarding Jonathan's poor family situation. She just said "I hope you never doubt me again". I don't think she truly understands his situation, she definitely has a hard time emphasizing with others when it doesn't concerns her personally. I think she is an interesting character but man this girl can't admit her faults and the show never truly adresses it as well.

Another example is the whole Steve situation in s2, both were at fault but only Steve took the blame. Nancy emotionally cheated on him for a year and idk how you interpret the fight after the party but in my opinion they were not clearly broken up when she slept with Jonathan. Like I said Steve was not perfect but it's so stupid how only he was made responsible (in the show) for their breakup when Nancy wasn't a good girlfriend as well. When they talked at the Byers house Nancy should have had the guts to tell him she is sorry too, or at least it's not okay after Steve said that to her. And then s3 happened and yet again she can't say she's sorry, idk if she actually thinks she's in the right in both situations or if she just can't say it.

In s4 a similar situation occurs with Robin at the library, first of all I hated how Robin's clear autistic traits were used as comedy, oh look she is annoying Nancy haha. However after a while Nancy should have said sorry for being so mean in the beginning which ofc never happened. I get it her friend died and this girl she doesn't know won't shut up, but still doesn't give her the right to treat Robin the way she did. She could have explained herself instead of being mean. Nancy only started to tolerate Robin after she was useful to the quest and Robin reassured her nothing is going on with Steve.

I actually followed your blog because I loved your insights on Nancy because I have to admit I struggle with her character. I love to read your takes and I can appreciate her more but for the reasons I listed here she still remains one of my lesser favorites of the show. Partially it has something to do with how she is written, like how her flaws never get truly adressed or acknowledged as such in the show, she is treated as if everything she does is perfect by other characters you know. And how she treats said characters and seemingly can't emphasize with others when it doesn't concern her.

I truly hope I didn't offend you, I do really love your takes on her and like I said you gave me new insights.

Okay first I want to say I really appreciate this ask! It’s very kind of you to follow my blog, and I think your opinions stated here are totally valid! I can 100% understand not vibing with a character, and this is a really respectful way of handling a difference in opinion! I don’t want it to come across that I think everyone who dislikes Nancy is misogynistic, I hope that’s not how my earlier post came across! I’m going to explain a little the way I interpret these situations based on the way I see Nancy, but this is just my thought process/feelings and I’m not trying to like argue you down or change your mind!

I’d like to talk about her and Robin first. You mention Robin’s having autistic traits and those traits being used as comedy. I can’t speak to that part of her characterization because I’m not autistic myself, but I would definitely think that choosing to make those traits a joke is an ignorant at best, mean spirited at worst writing choice. The way I read the situation on watching was that Nancy was very frightened and upset by the events of the proceeding day, especially the fact that… she may have gotten (in her mind) another one of her friends killed. She dragged Fred to the crime scene because she wanted to get to the truth of what happened, and then he died. I might be misremembering, but I don’t think at that time they’d figured out the way Vecna selected his victims, so for all she knew he was dead because of her. I also think she was under a lot of pressure to solve the case, since all of the usual “adults” she would turn to for help (Hopper, Joyce, Murray, and Jonathan) were all gone. She wasn’t around for Steve and Robin’s Russia investigation in s3, so she doesn’t know what they’re actually capable of. For her, she’s being paired off with a girl she doesn’t know, who doesn’t have the same experience level with Upside down related things as she does, who is then criticizing her on her lead (that she’s already feeling insecure about). I don’t blame Robin for doing so, but it definitely wouldn’t endear her to Nancy. Nancy isn’t really chatty (she hasn’t had the chance to be) and she’s obviously taking the situation very seriously. She’s always trying to be mature and adult, and she’s used to working with Jonathan, who is also very reserved and serous. so I’m sure Robin’s method of coping with the stressful situation probably came off as her not taking things seriously. Nancy is worried this won’t pan out and they’ll be left with no leads, and Robin is basically telling her, “yeah this seems like bullshit.” which it did! don’t get me wrong! it was a very thin lead. but I know I don’t react positively to giving my best effort and having someone make me feel inadequate. That whole scene reads to me of two girls who literally don’t know each other, have never spent and significant time together, with very different personalities and ways of approaching things, being forced together by circumstances and having to learn to deal with it. Robin reads it as Nancy being jealous over Steve, but it came across as genuine frustration and stress response to me. They’re an “unlikely pairing/duo” situation, they’re supposed to butt heads and have friction at first, and then grow to love and appreciate each other as they spend time together. This is a pretty common cliche (the “quirky/unorthodox” one and the “serious/by the book” one), so I never took it as Nancy hating/being mean to Robin. And I’ll say… being frustrated with someone isn’t the same as being cruel to them, and I think Nancy was actually trying very hard to remain polite under the circumstances. Robin is just very aware that her personality isn’t always taken well, and so she’s trying to get ahead of it by addressing even small signs of irritation on Nancy’s part. I also think it’s relevant that… they’re 17/18. Sometimes teenagers are a little rude or snarky, they roll their eyes or get a little huffy… I wouldn’t point to those things as unforgivable meanness, especially under the circumstances.

Speaking to the Steve situation is harder, because I don’t think that she was actually in the wrong on that one. Nancy was deeply traumatized by the events of season one. She’s doing everything she can to go back to normal and cope with the loss of her best friend, but it clearly isn’t working. She’s breaking down completely. Steve is a teenage boy with kind of low emotional intelligence at that point, so I don’t think he was like purposefully ignoring her pain or anything. But the scene at the party is so painful to watch, she’s drunk, she’s 16, she having a full emotional break down over feeling like everyone wants to move on from and forget the thing that is clearly haunting her. And the only thing that Steve is worried about is the fact that she isn’t in love with him. Again, I understand that would be heartbreaking to hear… but if you really loved someone, imo, you couldn’t see them in that much pain and then just walk away (and leave them drunk and sobbing at a house party). I think people blame the break up on Steve because instead of trying to talk things out with her or help her work through the things she was dealing with, he got angry and walked away. I always read the fight in the alley as a break up scene, and I believe that’s what it was intended to be. Nancy can’t give him what he wants in that moment (her love), and so Steve walks away from her. Their priorities were in different places, and that doesn’t make either of them a bad person. At that point in time, Steve still cared about being “King of Hawkins” and not getting shown up by Billy in gym. Nancy was dealing with her guilt over Barb’s death while also trying to get justice against the people who ACTUALLY got her killed. She’s risking her life to bring down the lab. High school problems don’t matter to her, she is fundamentally a different person than she was at the beginning of season one. Steve isnt, not yet, and I think it’s understandable that the relationship she pursued at that point in her life no longer fits the person she has become. Now of course there were gentler, more emotionally intelligent ways for her to let him down gently… but again. She’s a teenager, even if she is mature for her age. I don’t think the fact that she had a messy break up with her first boyfriend makes her a bad person. Imo Steve ended the relationship out of hurt and anger, regretted it, and was taking her the flowers to apologize and get back together. That’s what he was apologizing for, the way things ended and the fact that he wasn’t able to be there for her the way she needed him to be (which again, isn’t his fault, he’s also just a kid and isn’t a bad person for not being able to handle adult problems).

The jonathan situation in s3 is, to me, a writing flaw. They gave them plenty of screen time in the early part of the season (aka the buildup to the fight), but they didn’t actually get a chance in the latter part of the season to sit down and actually talk things out. The “apology” is rushed, but to me most of the emotional moments in season 3 are. Now. In my opinion. Jonathan was much more cruel in their argument than nancy was. Which is understandable, because he was very upset and stressed out. But he is lashing out at her and, frankly, mocking her for thinking she could pursue her dreams. Her “Oliver twist” comment was very out of line, but in the same scene he basically calls her a spoiled brat (which whether you believe is valid or not, is still a hard thing to hear from your boyfriend and would maybe induce and insensitive comment from a teenager). Jonathan is at the paper, being allowed to do the job he’s been hired to do. Nancy is being mocked for wanting to do hers. Nancy spent all of season 2 breaking a top secret government conspiracy, and now she (rightfully) thinks she’s uncovered something strange, and is being told she isn’t capable enough to do it and should leave it to the big boys. My opinion has always been that Nancy uses “uncovering the case” as a way to cope with her feelings of helplessness and guilt. Something weird was going on in her down, but she was too preoccupied to take an interest, and then her friend died because of it. So now she always has to be on top of the story, first on the scene, follow every lead to the bitter end… because if she always knows everything thats happening, she can (maybe) keep anyone else from dying. That’s why the rat story was so important to her in s3. She KNEW something was wrong. To Jonathan it just seems like she’s chasing the high of breaking the big story… she’s putting her pride over their jobs. But to Nancy, what she’s doing is important, and him downplaying it feels just like everyone else who refused to listen to her (about Barb in season 1 especially, when he was the only one who WOULD listen to her). There is one point of yours that Id like to dispute (everything else is totally your right to that opinion). Nancy DOES apologize to Jonathan. She apologizes to him first. She reaches out first (by calling him from the hospital), and then in the elevator she tells him she didn’t mean the things she said, she spoke out of anger. And Jonathan admits that he was wrong to dismiss her fears/intuition that something was up. They were both in the wrong (for the ways they lashed out, not the ways they felt), and they both apologize and forgive each other.

So I guess TL/DR. I don’t think you always have to be sweet/nice to be a good person, or even a kind one. I think that teenagers sometimes respond to things in immature ways. And I think that Nancy’s trauma and guilt, and her overly developed sense of responsibility play into the way she handles herself and others.

[alemonyoyo]

Jimmy delved back full force into Jornalism after Butters told him nobody had the courage to tell him his jokes weren't funny,that hurt his confidence way more than Jimmy would ever like to admit

Eric,Craig,Clyde and Timmy tried to reassure him several times that it wasn't true,they really enjoy his company and his jokes,Kenny said "Butters didn't mean it,he was just having a bad day'" and Eric said "It's just Butters,who the fuck cares"

But the doubt was installed there deep down for a very long time

I LOVE this idea and fully 100% agree. Obviously, however, I will go into full detail explaining why I think that is such a great take and so completely true…

Ok ok, so first thing to establish is definitely the relationship between Jimmy and Butters. It can be observed that the friendship between the two is pretty close, at least in comparison to most of Jimmy’s relationships with the other boys. For example, in the episode “Krazy Kripples” Jimmy is upstaged by a newly disabled actor, and the only person who attends his comedy show scheduled for the same day for this actors arrival to South Park is Butters. In “Erection Day” when Jimmy is struggling with personal issues he fears he may be mocked for, he trusts Butters and asks him for advice, stating something along the lines of “You are the only person who won’t make fun of me.” Clearly showing a trustful relationship between the two. Establishing this close connection between the two is crucial to illustrate why the events mentioned in the ask would occur.

As well as this, I’d like to propose and idea that would be important to this idea. I believe that Jimmy cares highly about impressing others and in general cares about what other people think about him A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT. Such as when he feels embarrassed for being upstaged when he is performing his comedy show in “Krazy Kripples”, when he fears being mocked in “Erection Day” as well as feeling the need to bribe the Boys for friendship in “Professor Chaos.” I feel these small examples can show his need for approval from most, however, I do believe it hasn’t been too much of a problem for him until the aforementioned events in “Going Native.” simply because he is often stated to be popular and well liked. I believe this is important to establish as it sets up 2 ideas. The idea that Jimmy seeks approval from peers, as well as the close relationship he has with Butters, clearly setting up how Butters’ mocking or unenthusiastic tone towards Jimmy’s comedy, something which practically defines him (not actually but still), would affect him so incredibly.

So it’s fairly realistic to assume that Butters' harsh words in the episode “Going Native” towards Jimmy’s comedy would be very impactful to his personal esteem, but how can we more clearly link this to Jimmy’s passion for journalism? Well, considering ideas of escapism and using certain activities as a way to ignore certain emotions or feelings, I’d say this could very well apply to him in the context of this idea. Clearly being both heavily interested in Comedy and Journalism, and also seen frequently partaking in activities related to both, we can assume he’d focus more heavily on journalism. Not only as an activity of escape, but also due to the possible feelings of further judgement he would receive by continuing to partake in comedy. What I mean by this is basically, if Jimmy believes Butters thinks his comedy is bad or tacky, then he may believe that everyone must think that! And considering the previously established idea of Jimmy being self conscious about how others perceive him, I’d say this is not awfully hard to believe. This has happened once before in “Krazy Kripples” where Jimmy abandons comedy for The Krips gang because no one attended his comedy show, which was pointed out by his mother at a confrontation scene in their kitchen.

Ok, so stepping back from my far more analytical take on this sad but interesting idea, this would literally be devastating. As someone who adores Jimmy with all my heart and soul, I always feel very defensive when this scene comes up (I have no life IK IK). So to think of it more as a personal attack from someone you’re close to, about a thing you are so incredibly passionate about, is nothing short of world shattering. Even if it isn’t really explored in the episode, you can’t help but feel bad for him, as even though the boys are often shown brushing off the negative comments made about them by other boys, the context of which it is spoken, as well as the ideas presented in the previous 2 statements would surely cause Butters' words to be more impactful than usual.

Now, the idea of Craig and Those Guys, along with Eric and Timmy reaching out to Jimmy is a very nice thought. Some compassion that we don’t see much (probably because Eric Cartman and compassion don’t fit in a sentence) is very heartwarming. Headcanon wise, I think it’d go something along the lines of:

Clyde would bring it to his friend group's attention first, noticing that Jimmy hasn’t been doing comedy as much as of recent.

Craig would say he’s fine, and that he seems happy and is possibly just taking a break. Clyde would push a little more towards the idea that Jimmy isn’t really okay-

The two would approach Jimmy first, being accompanied by Timmy simply because he was there when the two went to talk with Jimmy.

Timmy would add to whatever they were saying, though no one but Jimmy could understand so Clyde would simply agree.

“Timmy!” “FUCK YEA WHAT HE SAID”

When confronting Jimmy about how he’s been feeling, Clyde would take a more intimate approach, providing physical affection (yes I do ship Jimmy x Clyde how did you know?) through hugs, affirming gestures and a relaxed and open nature.

Craig would be more analytical, being the first to get Jimmy to open the bag on why Jimmy seems more reserved about his comedy. He would also be brainstorming ways to ease the waters with Butters and stop the problem of Jimmy not performing.

Timmy would be more reassuring, telling Jimmy to brush off what Butters' said and move past it.

Eric would come in later, probably approaching for personal gain such as needing to be cheered up, or needing a charismatic performer to make a profit off of, using Jimmy's comedy to fulfil both of these possible needs.

When asked why he isn’t performing when approached, having already discussed it with Craig, Clyde and Timmy, Jimmy confides in Eric.

I believe Eric would genuinely comfort Jimmy, not because he cares about Jimmy’s feelings (He cares about no one but himself ofc) but because he cares about his own opinions. And his current opinions on Jimmy’s comedy seem to be positive (at least to my knowledge), so of course he would defend it.

If you want to hear more about my headcanons for how this whole situation would unfold, let me know! I had fun but I feel bad because this is already getting painfully long.

If you made it this far, wow- Thanks! I have a habit of writing extremely long paragraphs on things I am passionate about, that’s what fixations do to your system!

If you don’t want to hear more about my thoughts and ideas on this scenario, but instead on another, send em in! These are very fun to do and I can prolly churn these out due to my procrastination on other projects-

Whelp, have a great day or night! Keep loving Jimmy Valmer,,, <3

[keow]

Hi! This is a weird ask, but would you be willing to post resources/arguments about Christianity being true? Like, were there specific ones that convinced you to convert? I was raised Catholic but didn't really believe it growing up, but would like to have the same feelings about faith and peace that you posted about. I'm in a bit of a bad place right now and would like to go back and deepen my faith but it's hard.

This isn’t a weird ask, don’t worry! I’d love to provide you with some resources :) I’ll try to include both visual and auditory mediums as I don’t know what your learning style is.

I don’t mean to overwhelm you with information, please forgive me if this is too much 😗

I’m going to split this up into different categories of content here, based loosely around my conversion journey—i.e. what I had questions and doubts about. Please remember that faith is a very personal journey and you may have different concerns altogether, but hopefully this will give you a starting point to jump off of.

First: Arguments for the existence of God

Breaking in the Habit - What is God?  

The Thomistic Institute on the Five Ways

Pints with Aquinas - Explaining Thomas Aquinas’ Proofs

Pints with Aquinas - The Best Argument for the Existence of God W/ Trent Horn

Lumen - Arguments for the Existence of God (overview)

Subcategory: Near death experiences This is clearly anecdotal evidence and therefore not as strong, but I found reading about near death experiences to be extremely interesting. I liked browsing the NDE subreddit :) The common experience of SOMETHING among those who nearly die is at least indicative of there being more beyond the material realm, and by extension, a God. 

Second: Arguments for monotheism

This isn’t a common apologetics issue unless you’re a convert from a polytheistic religion (which I was), so there’s less content on this.

Pints with Aquinas — Aquinas on Why There Can’t Be Many Gods

Jordan Peterson on Monotheism

Third: How reliable are the Gospels? Did Jesus even exist?

Biblical Archeology Society - Did Jesus Exist? Searching for Evidence Beyond the Bible

Pints with Aquinas - Is the New Testament Really Historically Accurate? W/ Trent Horn

The Great Myths - History for Atheists  This is a SECULAR website created by an atheist seeking to correct the flaws in his fellow atheists’ arguments. Much to his chagrin, I found the website and now I’m a Christian. Here is their Jesus Mythicism series.

Influence - The Reliability of the Gospels

NAMB - The Historical Reliability of the Gospels

History - The Bible Says Jesus Was Real. What Other Proof Exists?

The Science of Apologetics on the historical accuracy of the Bible 

Answers in Genesis - How Do We Know the Bible is True? 

Fourth: Was Jesus the prophesied Messiah?

Jews for Jesus - What Proof Do You Have That Jesus is the Messiah?

The Top 40 Messianic Prophecies

Two Messiahs in Judaism: Ben David and Ben Joseph

Be Thinking - Messiah: Jesus, the evidence of history

Fifth: The Resurrection (and the events thereafter)

The Resurrection, Evidence, and the Scientist

William Lane Craig Debates Ben Shapiro about Jesus 

Did the Resurrection Really Happen? | William Lane Craig

Capturing Christianity’s interview with Dr. Gary Habermas Short highlight from that video the Science of Apologetics on Evidence for the Resurrection

Links from the bottom of that post: One, two, three, four, five

Sixth: Did Jesus claim to be God? Theology of the Incarnation and the Holy Trinity

The Thomistic Institute on the Trinity: The Triune God (Aquinas 101) The Persons of the Trinity (Aquinas 101)

Breaking in the Habit - Did Jesus Claim to be God? 

Trinity explained by CS Lewis: Christian "Trinity" Explained in 3 Minutes The Three-Personal God by C.S. Lewis

Christianity.com - Did Jesus Claim to be God?

Ryan Reeves - The Incarnation and Jesus Christ (In 90 Seconds)

The Thomistic Institute on the Incarnation: The Meaning of the Incarnation (Aquinas 101) Motives of the Incarnation (Aquinas 101)

Bishop Robert Barron - Understanding the Incarnation

Seventh: Miracles and saints just because I personally think they’re really fun!

Lessons from Lourdes: Our Lady of Lourdes and St. Bernadette

Pints with Aquinas - Scientific EVIDENCE for Eucharistic Miracles? w/ Fr. Terry Donahue

Actual information on incorruptible saints 

Our Lady of Fatima and the Miracle of the Sun

The Shroud of Turin: The Catholic Talk Show  Mr. Mythos  Lecture on the Shroud

Our Lady of Guadalupe

The miracles of St. Padre Pio

PDFS AND STUFF— Writings of saints, theologians, and apologists.

The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

The Catechism of the Catholic Church

The (searchable!) Catechism of the Catholic Church

The Summa Theologica by St. Thomas Aquinas

Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn

The Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis

Early Christian writings from the Church Fathers

Saints’ Books - A collection of free writings from Catholic saints

St. Augustine of Hippo: On the Trinity  Confessions 

Miscellaneous favorites:

The Thomistic Institute Ascension Presents Fr. Mike Bible in a Year Podcast The Catholic Talk Show Pints with Aquinas Pints with Aquinas - Apologetics Extravaganza with Trent Horn  Capturing Christianity Free Christian Apologetics Resources - Capturing Christianity Bible Illustrated  BibleProject Lectures on early & medieval church history by Ryan Reeves Breaking in the Habit / Catholicism in Focus Upon Friar Review Trisagion Films Servus Dei discord server

Apps: Hallow Catena: Bible and Commentaries The Chosen (This is a tv show! It has its own app. It’s really good and accurate to the Gospels.)

My personal tips section :)

While it’s very important to have a logical foundation for religion, PLEASE don’t underestimate the power of simply sitting with God in prayer. That’s the most important thing. I love praying the rosary, practicing lectio divina, praying novenas, reading the psalms, etc. Prayer shouldn’t always be scripted either. The pre-written prayers are helpful for when you aren’t really sure what to say or where to start, but you should speak to God from your heart as much as possible. Sometimes prayer doesn’t even have to be verbal! Sometimes it’s just a state of being.

Music also goes hand in hand with this. Hymns can really help you get into that religious spiritual headspace when you feel disconnected from God. Here’s a channel that posts some good ones. Read the Bible. When in doubt, just read it or listen to someone else read it. It’s truly the inspired Word of God. For a while it was really hard for me to connect with Jesus for some reason, but reading the Gospels has been instrumental in building a stronger relationship with Him. It’s kind of a given but you might have the same blockages as I did.

A good way to learn more about Christianity, the Church, and her saints is to keep track of the Church calendar. For instance, find out what important feast days/holidays are coming up, then research and learn about them around the time that they occur. Okay that’s pretty much it! Feel free to DM me about anything (I love theological discussion). I hope things get better for you--trust that I’ll be praying for you. Have a lovely day!