#if this doesn't show up in the tags again then i give up

[siriuslylantsov]

be my valentine

pairing: spencer reid x reader

description: in which, spencer asks you out after a hearty but incomplete info dump on the history of valentines day.

tags: fluff! idiots inlove, gn!reader, reader is briefly described as shorter than spencer, teasing!spencer, grumpy!reader, penelope is an angel and i love her so much, reader shitting on valentines day and raising some very valid points.

a/n: based on this request, second fic for the event!! i know its still four days till valentines day but! if i didnt get this done now it would've been late. i rewrote this THREE times... but i rlly like how this version came out! happy reading :)

wc: 2.1k

it's your lunch break and you’re glaring at yet another sappy couple that walks by you. grumbling, you take another bite of your blueberry muffin. spencer laughs from his seat in front of you, amused by how your lip curls into an irritated pout. the two of you had walked to a cafe, a brief reprieve away from the frenzied police department you were stationed at for this week's case. 

“motherfuckers,” you seethe, still chewing your food. “i hate valentine's day.”

he laughs again, his tone sarcastic, “really, i never would’ve guessed.”

your glare shifts to him as you cross your arms. his grin is still there, annoyingly persistent, you hate that it doesn't affect him as much as it should. if you told him this, he would’ve told you that it didn't pack much of a punch. 

you roll your eyes and continue with a heavy scoff, “it's just another fake holiday, you know. like mother's day. created by greeting card companies trying to commercialise a day that shouldn't even exist honestly. every day should be dedicated to showing your loved ones how much you care, not just 24 hours in the middle of february.”

he accepts your cynicism with a smirk, completely accustomed to it. he knows you don’t mean it, not entirely, you just like to rant. “you know valentines day actually goes back about 2000 years. i’m sure greeting card companies weren't around back then,” he corrects, biting his lip in suppression.

your eyes narrow into slits, feeling the faint shift in the air of an incoming info dump. you ignore the way you want to hear what he has to say and take a sip of your coffee instead. you stall to torture him a bit, it's funny how he squirms.

“really,” you drag out, stroking your chin in exaggerated contemplation. you stare at him knowingly, he wants to continue but he's waiting for you to give him the green light. you laugh quietly, mood already improved, “go on.”

spencer visibly brightens, sitting up straighter and hands springing into action. “well, valentine's day has a really fascinating and somewhat convoluted history,” he starts, almost giddily. “the earliest accepted theory can be traced back to the roman festival of lupercalia, which was celebrated from february 13th to 15th. it was a fertility festival dedicated to faunus, the roman god of agriculture, and it included a ritual where men would sacrifice a goat and a dog, then use strips of the goat’s hide to whip women-”

“wait, they used goat skin to whip women?” you interject, eyes widening incredulously.

“yes! they willingly lined up for it too, believing it would make them more fertile,” he explains, far too animated considering the context, but it's okay. you like his enthusiasm. 

you grimace, “weird.”

“right. however, the day of love that we now recognise was brought by st. valentine, though which valentine is unclear—there were at least three martyred saints by that name. the most famous story involves a priest in third-century rome who defied emperor claudius ii's orders by secretly performing marriages for young soldiers,” he pauses to take a breath. you use it to bring your coffee back up to your lips, hiding your smile.

“claudius believed single men made better warriors, so he banned them from marrying,” he clarifies to which you nod. “when valentine was caught, he was executed on february 14th, which is why he’s the namesake of the holiday. some versions of the story even say that he sent a letter to his jailer's daughter signed ‘from your valentine’ which could be the origin of the modern tradition.”

“huh,” you pick your lip in thought, spencer hides the way his eyes dart down to them as you do it. “but that’s still an execution, how did it-”

the shrill tone of your ringtone interrupts you. “mhm, okay,” you respond when you pick up the phone. “we’ll be right there.” 

spencer stares at you expectantly, reaching over to grab your bag. he secures it over his shoulder and stands up. 

“it was jj,” you explain, stuffing the last bits of muffin into your mouth. “wi’ness ‘howed up.”

the food-muffled words make him chuckle and hold out a hand for you to get up. you let him pull you up with a dramatic huff, still holding his hand as you dust crumbs from your lap. you realise it a little too late and let go with a start, frown returning when you realise he isn’t going to let you carry your bag.

the walk back only took about five minutes before but this time's slower pace makes it a longer ordeal. comfortable silence brackets the two of you until it doesn’t when spencer speaks up.

“so, there's actually a lot more to the history of valentine's day. for instance, how the day became one of romance instead of, as you said, one that marked a martyrdom. we could, i don't know, discuss this properly over dinner. or drinks? or ice cream, i know that you like ice cream-”

filler words... he’s nervous. amid his rambling, he doesn't realise that you’ve stopped in your tracks. 

“-we can do whatever you want, i don't mind.” when he looks beside him and doesn't find you, he turns around. he can scarcely read the expression on your face, he usually can. this causes a little bout of concern to bubble up, “what is it?”

“are you asking me out?” your question is immediate, blunt, as a confused crease forms between your eyebrows.

well shit, he was. his lips part as he processes what he just said, he looks a little like a deer in headlights the way he stares back at you. was that too much? are you mad? did you want him to ask you out? what if you say no? he should say something. what if he messes everything up? he can’t-

“spencer,” his name rings out softly, pulling him from his spiral. 

his eyes snap to yours, searching, desperate to read between the lines, to piece together what you’re thinking like he always does—except this time, he can’t. he squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again, “yes.”

he swallows hard and adds, “on a date.”

“i got that,” you murmur, stepping closer to him, and closing the distance that he unintentionally left.

his head dips, voice small. “i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

your head tilts slightly, studying him. “you didn’t.”

the reassurance eases him a little but not enough as the anxiety claws at him while he waits for your answer. your phone sounds again from your pocket, this time a text from morgan. you quickly type out a response–got lost, be there in 2. it's a pathetic excuse, if you focused, the station was in your direct eye line. but you needed to say something. 

“okay.”

he can't help the sign of relief that slips out of him, you giggle at the sound. when he looks at you again, he's unmeasurably happy to see your poorly concealed smile, breaking out in his own matching one. 

“yeah?” he asks sheepishly.

you nod, chewing your bottom lip, “yeah.”

your eyes squint at the corners, a side effect of the same grin that those sappy couples had been sporting, the same one that you’d been complaining about a little while ago. it makes you want to kick yourself, so you do the next best thing. you take hold of spencer's hand and drag yourself back to the pd. spencer shuffles somewhat behind you, trying to keep up with your stride. it doesn't take him long with those long legs of his.

his thumb strokes your knuckles gently–deliberately, you feel–but he pretends it's an unconscious action with the way his eyes are trained ahead. it makes you roll your eyes. when you near, you reluctantly let go of each other, the moment being the last time the two of you are alone for the rest of the day.

-

the team ends up solving the case a few hours later, taking the jet home where a valentines day baking spread is set up in the briefing room. all set up by the resident tech savvy. penelope tells you later that it took a whole week of convincing on her part, insisting that it would be quick and she’d clean up, and that everyone would get home to their own valentine's day plans in no time. 

there are a few heart-shaped helium balloons floating in the corners, and pink streamers in easy to reach places. the room is drastically more inviting, maybe the tones of fuschia and bubblegum have something to do with that. a cake and a bowl of suspiciously dyed punch reside on the table, along with pink plates and cups.

“penelope,” you gasp when you see them.

perfectly curated baskets of chocolate and cookies and associated items for everyone. you pick up the one with your name on it and inside you find: a candle, your favourite candy tied together with a little bow and a letter signed ‘happy valentines day, sweetheart. love, penny xx’. 

oh my god, you could kiss her. 

“it's like christmas,” emily muses from the other end of the table. you hear jj mutter something in agreement. you peek over at spencer, it's probably the hundredth time that you've snuck a glance his way. his eyes were already on you every other time, only now they were accompanied by a pair of red heart-shaped glasses, the clear plastic lenses offering a perfect view of his hazel orbs. the picture makes you laugh to yourself, you can barely hear it echoing from his end. 

-

about 30 minutes later, only the stragglers are left. in better words, the single people. the individuals with partners having rushed off to their own respective plans. you're making small talk with another girl who worked around the office when you feel a light hand on your shoulder, spencer nodding his head toward the elevator to signal your leave. you politely wish her goodbye and walk out with him. 

“cute glasses,” you tease, bumping his shoulder with yours, though the height difference makes it so you're nudging his upper arm. 

“yeah? i might get the lenses medicated, switch them out for my regular ones,” he jokes, his elbow nudging yours gently as he pushes the bridge of the glasses up the slope of his nose instinctively. 

“good idea,” you nod.

“you think?”

“mhm.” 

once again, he beats you to your bag, swiping it from your chair and carrying it along with his own. you meekly toy with the hem of your shirt as the two of you walk to the elevator. 

“so, bummer that neither of us have plans today. it’s so early,” you say, being blatantly obvious with what you're suggesting.

spencer only offers you an indifferent “yeah, bummer” in response, walking in when the doors slide open. when you look at him though, he's anything but indifferent, the corner of his lip pulling up in a crooked smile, irritatingly smug. you don't know where he gets off on being so at ease but the expression on his face makes you scowl as you follow him in. 

he is silent the whole ride down. you become increasingly annoyed, only faltering slightly when his hand reaches down to hold yours. his fingers thread between yours and you not-so subtly curl yours over his, ignoring the way he looks down at you. 

you try not to smile at the domestic picture of the two of you walking out hand in hand. thankfully the basement is empty. he pauses between your cars and mutters a quick “see you monday” before loosening his fingers and turning to walk away.

“spencer,” you groan, almost a whine as you squeeze his hand before he can let go.

he responds immediately, without missing a beat, “yes, angel.”

fuck.

you want to melt but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction. “would you like to do something tonight?” you grit out begrudgingly.

“i would love to,” he agrees, pulling you closer with your hand. your gaze darts to the two bag straps on his shoulder and you realise he had no intention of letting you go just like that. so you shove him, a little hard that he stumbles a bit. he huffs a laugh and you shake your head dismissively. 

he slowly, tentatively, dips down to press a soft kiss to your cheek. your eyes flutter shut at the contact. 

“how does thai food sound?” he asks, that same bashfulness creeping into his voice that you love so dearly. 

“sounds perfect.”

you share another sweet smile that would probably make you gag from an outside perspective but now it just makes you feel dizzy. he leads you back to his car, muttering something about how he’ll pick yours up tomorrow morning. you want to argue with him but that same dizzy feeling stops you.

you can't help the dreamy sigh that slips out when he connects your hands again over the centre console. thank god for st. valentine, you think.

reblogs and replies are appreciated :) | m.list

divider from @saradika-graphics

[aceofwhump]

hope youre doing well!

just wanted to let you know that i started binging ted lasso the other day after going through your blog for recs on something to watch (as i do, often) and i ADORE it, so thank you!!

i just watched the episode where jamie’s dad is abusive to him in front of the entire team and i have to say that it’s some of the best emotional whump ive seen in a WHILE omg. rewatched that scene so many times,,,,

while im here ill ask if you happen to have any fav jamie fic recs? no pressure though if you cant think of any specific ones, ill likely go through the entire tag on ao3 lol

Hi! I am doing all right thanks! Hope you're well too!

Omg yay!! Ted Lasso is so good!!! I'm so glad you're watching it! Ugh that episode is one of my favorites! The emotions just kill me. I love Jamie Tartt so much. I too watched that scene on a loop. So good.

Oooooh yes I have recs for you my friend! Many! Go forth and enjoy!

the early arrival of a fragile spring by mballyntyne Summary: Coach, I’m me, he had said once, why would I want to be anything else? OR Jamie gets concussed, his dad is a terrible person, there are far too many references to sad disney films, and the sun finally begins to shine.

Emergency Contact by relevanceisoverrated Summary: When Jamie ends up in the hospital after an accident, the hospital has to call his emergency contact, Ted.

The calm before the literal and figurative storm by Multifandom_damnation Summary: They lose to Man City, but they might lose a lot more than a game that day

Barn Raising by altschmerzes  Summary: After the locker room disaster in Manchester, Roy drives Jamie home. The chaos they find when they arrive at the house swiftly proves it is not a safe place to spend the night, forcing a change of plans and a reroute to Roy’s own home. The following day Jamie experiences, in this order: The most bewildering breakfast of his life, a penalty kick clinic with a seven-year-old, and an overwhelming display from his teammates that brings him face to face with the fact that not only has he been accepted back in Richmond it’s also possible he might be, in a way he can’t remotely process or understand, loved here.

Scaffolding by altschmerzes Summary: Jamie collapses at training the day before an away game far from home, running a fever, and somehow this ends up being Roy's problem. And Ted's, when he persuades Roy to take it in shifts. It's both of their problem, though it's a problem for them in different ways. Ted struggles to keep the feeling of being helpless from sending him too deep into his own head to stay where he's needed. His experience as a parent both helps and doesn't. As for Roy, hating Jamie was a lot simpler than caring about him is. Taking care of him? Roy doesn't have a clue where he got the idea he was competent enough to do that. Especially when it feels like all he does is mess it up.

The Same Story by altschmerzes Summary: “So,” Trent starts, keeping his voice mild and professional. “We have all, by now, seen the footage from the unfortunate run-in you had with your father, the night of the twenty-fifth of April in the car park at Coventry City FC’s pitch.” It would've been traumatic enough for Jamie's father to ruin Richmond's most recent victory in front of the whole team, but when the confrontation turns violent in front of a gaggle of reporters, the ensuing social media firestorm is even worse. Over the next two and a half weeks, Jamie will have to navigate the charges against his father, walk a gauntlet of publicity that he never asked for, and prepare to give the interview of a lifetime. Luckily, Richmond has always been there to catch him on the other side.

Better Angels by altschmerzes Summary: The second time that Jamie shows up, smirking and announcing that he can't participate in training because he's hurt is so much worse than the first time. He's changed a lot, grown up a lot, and no one knows why he's acting like this again when he's put so much time and effort into not being that person anymore. It feels like history is repeating itself, except… something isn't adding up. Sam is the one who puts it together, who sees the proof that Jamie very much is hurt, and has led everyone to believe that he isn't by telling them that he is in a way that sounded like an obvious lie. It makes his head spin, and he doesn't know what to do. Thankfully, his team captain and his coaches are there to figure it out. (Hypothetical season 3 timeline. Completely gen. Jamie is hurt in an accident. He doesn't handle it well.)

Something to be said by macaronicism Summary: First day back in training after what happened at Wembley is awkward, but everyone tries their best.

for speaking through walls by LadyCharity  Summary: When an incident in the match against West Ham leads to a threat to Jamie's well-being, Ted comes face-to-face with what he dreads the most. In which Jamie haunts Ted just as much as the dead.

don't let it in with no intention to keep it by jamietxrtt Summary: "Glass shatters to Jamie’s left, missing the front door by centimeters. He ignores it and ducks out into the cloudy London night, the cold night air raising the hairs on his bare arms. No time to hesitate and grab a jacket now, though, not with the suffocating smell of beer smoking him out of his own house."

it's such a long road when you go it alone by themightyduck Summary: Jamie goes down hard during the last match of the season and struggles to determine his worth outside football. Ted would like to stop seeing his boys get hurt on the field. Roy seeks to become emotionally well-adjusted and possibly even Jamie's close friend.

On Pure Instinct by Dandelion_Orange_Pips Summary:

Jamie was standing rigidly and staring at Ted’s hand in abject horror, unblinking. Then rose his gaze to meet Ted’s, tears now uncontrolled. The world seemed to come to a stop and Ted couldn't breathe. One wrong move.

Ted raised his hands, placating.

Then Jamie’s eyes snapped rapidly to his hand and back, becoming even wider. Ted froze.

“Jamie-”

Jamie ran.

Or: Ted tries his best to keep Jamie together after a tough game. He fails, but maybe it's for the best.

The Invalidated Silent Screams Of The Tormented by Cuppa_Char Summary: When a blast from the past unsettles Jamie it leads to a very public meltdown.

Somehow Everything Will Be Okay by Lilac_Lemonade Summary: What happened once the match against Richmond was over and Jamie's dad pulled him aside? Ted walked away after seeing him with his dad in the treatment room and Jamie thought that was it, just one more person on the list of people that had abandoned him. But what if Ted came back? What if Ted was the one to give Jamie the letter after Richmond's match against Man City?

mind games by sweetsorrowss Summary: jamie tartt is tired of being toyed with. he's tired of being manipulated. he's tired of people pretending that they care. when his father pays him a surprise and unwelcome visit, jamie finds solace in the one person he's convinced himself is pretending the most. but ted lasso isn't pretending, and maybe jamie deserves a place to call home after all.

Thick and Thin and Every Line by LivingProof Summary: In the aftermath of the match against Manchester City, Ted, Roy, and Jamie struggle with demons shared and separate. Then Beard’s here, then his dad is gone, just the gunshot crack of the door to herald their departure. He’d wince at the sound, but his muscles have turned to lead. And Jamie’s here, the only person in this room, the spotlight on him casting everyone else in shadow. He knows they’re out there somewhere, audience to a Greek fucking tragedy, and maybe when this is over they’ll realize they should be applauding.

Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation by jumpfall Summary: What Ted remembers later is Beard saying, "Jamie's not putting any weight on it."

To Being Better by vxctorsfvlix Summary: Jamie-centric rewrite of the Ola's Restaurant scene in 3.03, featuring more hurt and also more comfort. Jamie's been struggling with the arrival of Zava, and how it's affecting his relationships with the team. Things come to a head on the opening night of Sam's restaurant.

for what you have tamed by LadyCharity Summary: "Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." In which Ted and Jamie are tamed by their fathers, their traumas, and each other.

according to the calculations by telm_393 Summary: After everything, Jamie’s not alone.

an excess of warmth or coldness by bartonbones Summary: When Jamie is seriously injured during a match, Roy and Ted are reminded how much they care about him--as a son, or as a younger brother, or as an exposed nerve. Jamie is reminded what it's like to have people care when his face gets knocked in.

Wings Wouldn't Help You Down by ViolentlyRed Summary: He thought the most awkward thing he'd have to endure was a rigid Roy Kent embrace in the Man City locker room months ago. He was wrong. And he’s getting better at admitting when he’s wrong, so. Turning up on Coach's doorstep at two thirty in the morning was infinitely, infinitely more awkward. Or, Jamie's hurt and not about to say much about it, and Ted's a good coach.

Haunted by WinterAndMissHyde Summary: Isaac and Colin lock Jamie in a storage room at Nelson Road as part of a "harmless" joke. This brings Jamie a lot of bad memories back he'd rather forget and leads him to a panic attack. He also dislocates his shoulder trying to get out. Ted, Sam and Dani are there to comfort him in the aftermath. Set after Jamie comes back to Richmond on season 2.

the early arrival of a fragile spring by mballyntyne Summary: Coach, I’m me, he had said once, why would I want to be anything else? OR Jamie gets concussed, his dad is a terrible person, there are far too many references to sad disney films, and the sun finally begins to shine.

[amalthiaph]

Get to know your mutuals!

Thanks for the tag @leapingbadger! LET'S GO!

What's the origin of your blog title? EDIT: I'm stupid, it says "blog title". So, "Daughter of Eve" is one of the names they call humans in Narnia. It used to be "Management Trainee Skywalker" from that Chinese bootleg of ROTS, but as much as I like that one, something really unpleasant happened to my blog during the time it was my name, and every time I open my page, I read it, and be reminded of that one time, so I decided to change it. (One day, I will have the courage to tell that event, but for now, I'll begin to get over it.)

But I don't wanna waste this. So, for the origin of my username: Jupiter's Moon. Amalthea is one of Jupiter's moon. I first used this for League of Legends, and unfortunately, 'Amalthea' is already taken so I tried to change the 'e' into 'i', and that's how I ended up with this spelling.

OTP(s) + Shipname: OKAY, this is going to be great. The answer is Caspian x Susan. They're my first ever OTP. I want to begin this with saying I really like the book canon Caspian x Ramandu's Daughter but Caspian x Susan ended up being a lot more interesting to me. IDK what's up with me but I always go for the ship that doesn't end up together, bec I think happily ever afters are boring, give me some angst, some wishful longing, the AUs, the fix-its, these things are what makes a ship interesting.

Some of the other ships I like are LeviHan (RIP Hange), Zutara (we all know how this ended), Tech x Phee (I still wanna believe Tech lives), and Anidala (this is self-explanatory).

Favorite color: Canary yellow. But for art, layout, and clothes, I like shades of brown.

Favorite game: League of Legends, Need for Speed, Criminal Case, Minecraft

Song stuck in your head: The World Will Know from Newsies: The Broadway Musical

Weirdest habit/trait? Here, let me revise the question: "What's not weird about you?"

Hobbies: Drawing, Reading, Singing

If you work, what's your profession? Architect (I just passed the licensure examination!)

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? Any job where I'll be able to design spaces. Designing is therapeutic to me.

Something you're good at: Art.

Something you're bad at: Human-ing

Something you love: My cat, my family, my hyperfixations.

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: Star Wars, Narnia, and Newsies

Something you hate: Just like @leapingbadger, I also hate the current state of the world, especially in the country I live in. Election is once again near, and the leading senatorial candidates in the polls are not-so-good people. There are agriculturists, a great lawyer ,an animal rights activist, and a labor rights activist running for senate but the majority of the people in this country surely won't vote for them because "they're ugly" or "they're not stars".

Something you collect: hatred, and Lego sets, and books

Something you forget: I'll do you a better one: "Name something you don't forget".

What's your love language? Acts of service. Also remembering the tiny details of the stories I tell.

Favorite movie/show: Star Wars (with the exception of the Sequels and Resistance), Narnia, and Newsies

Favorite food: Tinola.

Favorite animal: Cats. I accidentally typed "cars" but you would have gotten it anyway.

What were you like as a child? Quiet, introverted, and stuck in her own little world.

Favorite subject at school? Maybe English. Also geometry.

Least favorite subject: Chemistry

What's your best character trait? I like to learn as much of anything as I can, also very observant. Oftentimes, it ticks me off when people aren't like that.

What's your worst character trait? I'll do you a better one: "Is there a character trait of you that isn't bad?"

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be? Try "What do you not want to change?"

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet? Serial killers a day before being executed. I have so many questions.

Tag as many mutuals as you want!! (Sorry if you've been tagged before): @loge2718 @mimpinightmare @dragonrider9905 @ahsokastechie

Get to know your mutuals!

What's the origin of your blog title? When I was in middle school, someone told me "you dress so goth, but your personality is so happy. You're like a really cheerful grim reaper. A joyful soul collector." And that's been my username for most everything ever since!

OTP(s) + Shipname: Oooh, right now it's Jayvik, and tbh I can't think of another one, this is one of the first ships I've been really really into tbh. Other dynamics focused on my blog have actually been more platonic, like Irondad

Favorite color: Red!

Favorite game: Dungeons and Dragons! Both as a player, and DM!

Song stuck in your head: The Challenge - EPIC

Weirdest habit/trait? I download thousands of still frames of tv shows that I love so I can make memes out of them. But I have to sift through and delete all the pictures that are blurry or unnecessary, which takes hours. I think it's super fun because I'm autistic and really enjoy sorting stuff lol

Hobbies: Writing, playing DnD, making memes, and hanging out with my friends!

If you work, what's your profession? Not so much a profession lol, I work at a toy store. It's a part time job while I'm in college, studying to be a radiologist!

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? Realistically? Radiologist. But ANY job I wish? Professional DM or Professional DnD player, like the people on Dropout or Critical Role haha

Something you're good at: I'm good at writing stories! I can write them well and write things that make people feel deep emotions, and I like that.

Something you're bad at: Recognizing when someone doesn't want help haha. I tend to try and fix things or help people when they just want to vent, and it ends up frustrating for both of us.

Something you love: I love stories. Any kind, I love so so many

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: My favorite shows and stories, my dnd campaigns and characters, my stories and ideas

Something you hate: Fascism. Bigotry. Willful ignorance. Fearmongering. Propaganda.

Something you collect: Dice!! I'm a dice goblin for sure haha

Something you forget: I often forget chores unfortunately

What's your love language? Physical touch and acts of service

Favorite movie/show: Ooh right now it's definitely Arcane haha

Favorite food: Sushi!

Favorite animal: Cats!

What were you like as a child? In a word? Unwell haha. I'm a good bit better now, still struggling with a lot, but better than I used to do

Favorite subject at school? English, I was always good at that class

Least favorite subject: Chemistry. I hate that shit so much lol

What's your best character trait? I think that I'm kind and willing to stand up for others

What's your worst character trait? I can be disrespectful to some types of spirituality unfortunately. It just doesn't make logical sense to me. I have two friends that are fully convinced that a cursed doll gave some youtuber testicular cancer. And I just can't see the logic or critical thought in that

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be? Mmm. All of fascism shit is definitely damaging my calm so I'd love to change that specifically

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet? Harry Allen. Google him he's a badass transgender cowboy

Tag as as many mutuals as you want!!

@sb-essebi @glitternightingale @blatterpussbunnyfromhell @captainhollowstories @kydrogendragon @misforvendetta @poetryinmotion-author @bocularteletheric @kai-ovillager @thatoneneuvichiliauthor @4amarcanethoughts @alexspearsxoxo @kotonni @buckybucananbarnes @kakesuwolf @martybaker @patheticjayce @sleepycrowhours @aixabi @up-the-bracket @snoopyviktor @emdashflower @humanshapedstress @hellsalore @juuzousmom @softandslow @fangirlshenanigans04 @batmans-attic @lvrstrsh @bluemoyai @tearexxwrites @bodyofvvater @lifeandeathepub @areesespiece @lancesblueazaleas @monaisme @milkywaysipper @carmendyy @tseecka @heazueken @tophat-69 @velocitychroma @prjctdiva @gremlinofchaos @ourvectorviktor @kenjinx @jxmimac @gh0stedvhampir @voxconcordia @arcaneheraldslawyer

ngl I tried to tag ALL my mutuals that I have, but this was how many it allowed me to do before it made me stop lol so here's as many as I could fit!

[hamiltonconfessions-but-better]

an overview of the events surrounding the old hamilton confessions blog + proof that @\hamiltonconfessions was instrumental in its destruction

reposting because the post wouldn't show up in the tags and my perfectionism was bugging me

i. to begin with, i must kindly request that absolutely no harassment, death threats, insults, etc be sent to @\hamiltonconfessions or anyone else involved in this situation. there has been a lot of confusion going around in the wake of everything that happened. the purpose of this post is to clear up that confusion by providing all the information pertaining to this situation in one place, as well as bring attention to some ongoing issues within the fandom - not to contribute to an environment where said issues continue to exist, uninhibited.

ii. the first part of this post closely corresponds with one made by @\jittyjames. in it, she goes into more detail regarding her role in this and raises some very good points, so i highly encourage everyone to read her post as well. UPDATE: @/hamiltonconfessions was deactivated within roughly two hours of me posting this. this post will continue to serve its function as a record of everything that transpired.

part 1 - @\hamiltonfandomconfessions and its ending

if you are reading this post, you will have known of the existence of this blog and will be somewhat familiar with the hostile atmosphere that developed in the last week or so before it was deleted. people were arguing left and right, creators were being publicly called out and harassed. topics that were discussed on the blog ranged from ship wars to incest to whitewashing allegations. within a few days, a single confessions blog had caused enough chaos that it was being mentioned outside of its own posts, drama was spilling out beyond its confines and into the blogs of those involved, and even people who generally stayed in their own niches and did not interact with the fandom at large had become aware that something was going on.

on friday the 27th of september, the following confession was posted by the blog:

in response to which, jami (@\jittyjames) sent this:

her confession was posted, but deleted shortly thereafter. she sent two follow-up asks and was replied to thusly:

some people who had been around to see both her original ask and the confession that it was serving as a response to were upset by the lacklustre and nonsensical moderating inherent in the decision to allow harassment and death threats to run amuck, but delete an entirely innocuous post for reasons unknown, as well as the implications of jami's deleted confession having been specifically about queerness.

in particular, this was sent to the blog:

on saturday the 28th of september, @\hamiltonfandomconfessions was deactivated.

with the mod having spontaneously claimed to be deleting confessions by request and having inexplicably singled out jami's confession among the myriad of others, there is much to be remarked upon regarding the likelihood of something here not being right. the above essay delves into questioning the more incongruous details fairly well, so i will spare you any more of my own thoughts on the matter.

part 2 - @\hamiltonconfessions and its glaring disingenuity

on sunday the 29th of september, one day after the deletion of @\hamiltonfandomconfessions, a new blog, @\hamiltonconfessions, posted this:

for someone who would later go on to argue that they are not the previous blog's mod and ostensibly are not affiliated with it in any way, it is interesting to note a few things:

a) the rather short amount of time that passed between the deletion of the old blog and the creation of the new one;

b) the rules listed are, besides being insufficient for the fostering of a good community within the limits of a confessions blog, fairly generic, save for one specific rule. a rule which happens to express a uniquely idiotic opinion paralleled in the very first screenshot included in this post.

this is important, because few people had seen that confession, fewer had seen jami's response and the conversation that followed, and even fewer still were up to this point aware that the old blog's death was, as all the contributing evidence would lead one to believe, directly related to and brought on by everything talked about in part 1 of this post.

@\jittyjames posted her version of the events, in which she commented similarly on the above, and they replied:

around the same time, they removed the rule and asserted several times on their blog that they had no relation whatsoever to the original blog and its creator:

it is worthwhile to point out that "i changed my opinion about slurs. ok" is brief, vague and not indicative of an actual change of heart. the conviction present in their previous statements also does not fit the haste with which they apparently reconsidered their stance. all of the above screenshots, to me, look like damage control - they know that people are onto them and are desperately scrambling to hold up the crumbling fiction of their image as an innocent, clueless person who accidentally ended up embroiled in an ongoing scandal.

now, the tone of @\hamiltonfandomconfessions' reply to all of jami's asks could be said to be disproportionately aggressive and rude, as opposed to her own relatively respectful language. previously, this fact has been attributed to possible queerphobia. and without taking away from the relevance and validity of that theory, i would like to propose a few ideas regarding the identity of the mod of @\hamiltonconfessions:

a) they were the mod of @\hamiltonfandomconfessions, sent themselves the confession that compared slurs to the word "whore" and got offended when people disagreed;

b) they did not send that confession, but were the mod of @\hamiltonfandomconfessions and included that rule in the original pinned post of @\hamiltonconfessions in a ploy to avoid the drama and discussions that caused them to delete their previous blog;

c) they are a friend of or otherwise have some degree of closeness with the mod of @\hamiltonfandomconfessions, and as such were made aware of everything that was going on and acted accordingly in the aftermath.

either way, there is no doubt that, somehow, @\hamiltonconfessions was involved in everything that has happened over the past few days. i therefore raise you the following question: knowing that this person is directly connected to the previous blog, the opinions they have held and the way they have handled this situation so far, their strange, dishonest behaviour and refusal to acknowledge any criticism or commentary regarding their actions, do you feel comfortable continuing to frequent their blog? knowing that there is a very high chance that what happened with @\hamiltonfandomconfessions, its upsetting and divisive effect on our community, is going to happen with @\hamiltonconfessions as well?

conclusion

regardless of whether the mods of @\hamiltonconfessions and @\hamiltonfandomconfessions are friends or one and the same, there is a manifest lack of organisation present throughout the infinitesimal history of the new blog. one could argue that the very creation of the blog - only a day following the death of the previous one - speaks to a certain inability or unwillingness to think things through. in two short days, the pinned post was updated no less than three times. the existing rules, fairly vague and unenforceable, are missing several precautions that would prevent the mistreatment of its users and could well have been scribbled down on a post-it note five minutes prior to the blog officially becoming active. an example - "just be patient pls", a confusing and likely entirely useless rule, as juxtaposed with the absence of any rule regarding name-dropping until one of the subsequent updates to the pinned post.

overall, with the disorderly state of @\hamiltonconfessions' moderation and the inaptness and duplicity displayed by its mod, i do not expect this new blog to last very long without devolving into the very same cesspit that caused such grief to the fandom and tore the first blog apart.

[danwhobrowses]

Okay yeah I wasn't ever gonna be contained with just one post so, Callowmoore stuff that's on rotisserie in my brain from ep.94

Long and deep looks at each other and a hug right off the bat!

When asked by Laudna if they were okay in ep. 91, Ashton deflected with 'say that again?' and 'are any of us?', but when Fearne asks they give a genuine answer and then also ask her how she's feeling, because she's been quiet and they care

Ashton, despite hurting when they're touched and exhausted so the chronic pain is as intense as the first time, still wanting to cuddle with Fearne - and feeling at ease when they do

And like, the way they were trying to articulate it implies that they've wanted to ask for quite some time, but the timing has been off or situations have gotten in the way, and they don't want to wait any longer

But also they don't ask if they can cuddle they ask if Fearne wants to; they want to, but they ask Fearne if she doesn't want to sleep alone, because her comfort is as important or more important than their own

Fearne given her past experiences with people of course thinks they mean the other kind of company, which she notes she does want (so that's not off the table) but asks if they could just cuddle - to which Ashton doesn't entirely deny either, but notes that they're tired and in a lot of pain right now so they too was asking for the same

Also the fact that Fearne, who has been in a threesome inside a corrupted haunted wood, will later flirt with a dark echo of herself, and spooned with a ghost pirate captain, got so flustered about asking Ashton that she just wants to cuddle

Despite the awkwardness they still just laugh and joke together through it, they're awkward but it's in a sweet way

All of Ashton's immediate action the second they realised Fearne was missing - similar to how they wanted to find her after the shard incident but this time in a position where they could take action - no nonsense, no pissing contest with Chetney about her scent being on their bed, "Find. Them. Now."

And then still being soft after seeing Fearne again, because all that matters right now is that she's still here. And another post I saw said it better but, Ashton never seeks to change or 'correct' parts of who Fearne is; she can still follow cute animals just next time bring a buddy along (which given how they were in bed together would imply meaning them), they love her for her, fae and all, they just want her to be safe

Not entirely ep. 94 but given how on 91 Ashton pointed out that they needed to sleep and 'figure out who they wanted to be', and then here ask Fearne to be there beside them so they could have someone to wake up to, it to me at least says a lot about what Ashton has already decided; and how despite both of them having dealt with grief and anger and helplessness by bottling it up, hiding away, and shouldering it alone, this time they both wanted to just feel at ease with each other

[possamble]

AHA thank u i was mostly just. frantically pulling the "no hetero" card bc farcille is super super always endgame for me and the "marcille has two hands" thing is absolutely not for me and my personal characterization of marcille

i like. can't find it anymore for some reason but there was a farcille fic set just after the shuro confrontation where laios reaches over to hold marcille's hand and ask her if she likes him or if she's just tolerating him too and it was so. the vulnerability. the puppyness.

that safety and security he must feel in knowing that she wears her heart on her sleeve and he will always know when she's unhappy with him because she will absolutely let it be known. the way that falin's first revival was the turning point for the way he felt about her because, for the first time in his life, protecting falin wasn't something he had to shoulder alone. there was finally someone else who cared about her as much as he did (in his eyes, resenting his parents for failing to protect her) and would stop at nothing to save her. the way it must have been proof for him that, not only was falin not alone anymore, he wasn't alone anymore.

idk why i like rather than dislike the fact that his only framework for parsing how he feels about "the first girl other than his sister that he's ever cared this much about" is a comphet romantic lens. like he would have the autism moment of fully assuming that he's in love with her for a while and just like. not? doing anything about it? because he doesn't feel the urge to, nor is he sad that he knows marcille would mostly likely never "feel the same way" about him?

like. he "figures out" that he's "in love with marcille" with all the passion of printing out a label and sticking it onto a favourite scrapbook for organizational purposes. he's equally happy to be her husband or brother-in-law so long as it means she stays close and is part of his family.

i know logically i should hate it but it's sooo crunchy to me. my comphet besties ever. designated plus one and dance partner to all fancy and formal occasions. having actual real chemistry but the "romantic" part of it is some weird shapeshifter smokescreen. augh

[angelsdean]

ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.

[mildcicada]

If you surrendered to the air you could ride it.!!! .....I give up, I surrender etc.

[ruvviks]

// oc picrew. [x]

tagged by; @hibernationsuit and @devilbrakers, thank you so much!! tagging; @reaperkiller, @envergothash, @dickytwister, @shellibisshe, @adelaidedrubman, @katsigian, @rindemption, @noirapocalypto, @velocitic, @secondsundering, @ncytiri, @calenhads and YOU!

BILLIE BERNHART || CASEY PARKER LALO GUTIERREZ || NIKITA MAŚLANY ROWDY MCCAIN || URBAN DYNAMITE (CP2077)

[killjoy-prince]

Trying on the cosplays imma wear to a con in a month and getting excited that ill be cosplaying said characters in a month

[milfbrainrot]

i hate astrology stuff too but i think this show sometimes misses that the belief systems of different planets aren't usually the problem. the governments based on belief systems are.

[hauntingblue]

You guys think the one piece movies are on letterboxd?

[unityrain24]

you don't have to read this i just have so much pent-up in my head.

(if you do tho the tags are just as important as the post.)

i wish i could make people unfollow me without blocking them? bc like. every single palestine ask i get (whether spam or real) they follow me. even though it's not set up so only followers can send asks. i think they do it because like, then they think i will be more willing to help? bc follower counts are so important on other platforms and to most people, it's probably like an exchange? They do the nicety of adding to my follower count and so i will be more willing to donate money to their cause? but like. i don't want followers just for followers. it makes me uncomfortable. i've got a little over 150 followers right now but probably a third are palestine fundraiser blogs (and a few bots i can't tell are bots or not and promotional spam). it makes me uncomfortable? it makes me feel like the numbers a lie? i want the people following me to be there because they actually care about my blog/me?

obviously i don't want to block these people! they are in a genocide trying to do whatever they can to survive! they are on here trying to ask anyone and everyone so that out of the hundred of people they ask maybe one or two can donate a few dollars! they are trying every tactic they can to make people listen to them! following! posting photos! using eye-catching colours and fonts! writing out their stories! all things that are emotionally and or/physicaly exhausting and draining all in an attempt to just get someone to listen! and honestly it's sort of unfair that they have to follow random people and clog up their dash with random stuff just so people are more willing to help (obviously most of these people didn't have tumblr before and aren't here for the dash, but i imagine a dash full of palestine help would be less overwhelming than a huge mass of random fandoms while you go find people to ask).

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Lofty of BBC's Holby City was maybe one of the worst characters on the show. Is this a hot take? Do people outside of me and my family somehow adore Lofty? I can't imagine how. Here is my hateful mean and nasty reasoning. Read at your own risk I'm not accepting criticism at this time lmao:

A) he was effective comic relief on Casualty because it's the Emergency Department and moments of Lofty tripping over or doing a social faux pas are necessary tension breakers in episodes where people are constantly at deaths door.

Casualty is (when it's GOOD) required to have at least a third of the episode dedicated to a narsty horrible accident (hell yeah) and tensions are always running high so you can see how having someone a be awkward is not going to be the worst thing that happened to them that day.

Holby City is a more hospital staff focused show (although again. If there's less than a third of an episode focused on patients it is probably a bad episode. PLEASE HAVE PATIENTS IN YOUR HOSPITAL SHOW.) but there's a lot of waiting around for people in Holby because it's the longer term care zone. If Lofty is dropping stuff in the background of scenes with this lower energy it suggests he has some sort of untreated disability rather than 'argh I'm frantic OOPS'. He is painted more as incompetent on Holby compared to their more grounded staff. Which makes everyone ELSE look incompetent for putting up with it. (To be clear!!!! I'm not saying people with disabilities are incompetent lol if he had one it would have been a storyline!! And if he had one and none of the doctors who see him every day flagged it it also makes them look incompetent. He doesn't CARE enough to be CAREful. And in a show ABOUT caring for vulnerable people as far as you absolutely can. That's a big problem.)

Like the thing is. Characters on Casualty can be one note architypes forever because they're doing medical CSI. Holby spends so much more time with the cast, they NEED to become more complicated and Lofty never does, he's the same guy no matter what happens. The only other guy like that in Holby is the incomparable Guy Self and he's a villain! He is a villain for never changing or trying for anyone! And even he TRIES to reform occasionally. Lofty (and the SHOW) doesn't see a problem with him perpetually disengaging from making emotional choices, putting most of the work of maintaining relationships on other people, and generally coasting through a profession that everyone else is giving 110% to. The building could be on fire and he'd wander outside and not think to rescue any of the patients unless someone else told him to.

B) the B is for Bisexual. Bisexual representation on Holby City where he cheats on his husband with a woman. It's a yikes from me.

C) speaking of Dom. God their relationship was horrible. POOR FUCKING DOM. tw abuse. Lofty talks to and believes Dom's abusive ex over him? He hugs the guy that RECENTLY pushed Dom down a flight of stairs? And they're still supposed to be a cutesy couple by the end of this? He shuts down Dom's excitement constantly? Hello??

D) the D is again for Dom because. It's their one year anniversary. By the way it was on their honeymoon that Dom couldn't go on to support his sick mother that Lofty cheated on Dom. Just by the way. BY THE WAY if your husband says he's going to stay home for your honeymoon and insists you go by yourself so he can stay home to support his sick mother. Maybe. Hm. Stay and support him instead. Just a fucking thought.

Lofty decides it's not working and they amicably split up (Dom is an angel sent from gay heaven by the way. I perhaps have my biases.) Dom kindly gives him the quirky and personal gift he'd bought him for their one year wedding anniversary as Lofty unicycles away (it may have been a bicycle but I picture it as a unicycle). Lofty gives him. Nothing. Which means that this man sat there as they planned a big anniversary party and not ONCE. not ONCE did he consider buying Dom an anniversary present. Because he's an arse!!!!

E) he only does this :| or this :/ for any emotion. I love characters with flat affects, for example my close personal friends Hannah Supernatural, Abed Community, and also as well my actual real human friends who do this 💖💖💖. HOWEVER. Lofty doesn't show emotion any OTHER way either. There IS nothing going on in his heart. He has passion for nothing. He goes where other people point. He avoids giving his opinion because he doesn't have any. This makes him a bad tv character for a drama. Opinion IS story on Holby. There is an issue, they all take sides and fight over it, and he doesn't get involved.

Anyway. Show's been over for over a year I will never have to see Lofty's face ever again as long as I live unless I for some reason decide to do a bizarre Holby City Rewatch and keep going to season 19.

By the way as I was looking up when he came to the Holby side of Holby City Hospital, I found this quote from his wiki page:

"Lofty is portrayed as a nice person who is likeable and popular."

Hm. He IS PORTRAYED as a nice person. The show thinks he's a nice person who is likable. However.

This concludes my ministry of hate.

[lisbonsteresa]

he's HORRIBLE

[chenziee]

Ash

Attempt #idk-how-many to see if this finally shows up in the goddamned tags because I care about this verse and this fic okay

Once again, I bring you an offering of some extremely soft Lawlu with a dash of Law being embarrassingly in love (which really isn't any different from canon), feat. Law taking some romantic phrases and little bit too literally.

This is part 3 of the vivre card/Ashes of Life series but as usual, you absolutely don't need to have read the other two for this to make sense!

! Manga spoilers for chapters 1030 onward, mostly 1043 and 1044 ! Light angst with a happy ending and a lot of comfort :)

[ Read on AO3 | Full Series | Ko-Fi ]

—————

The Skull Dome of Onigashima was shaking, pieces of rubble and wood falling off the ceiling and walls. It was no wonder with all the fierce battles that were going on—really, in Law’s opinion it was more of a shock that the building was still standing after their fight with Kaido on the roof, the All Stars and Tobi Roppo going wild all over the place, not to mention the Straw Hats. They were probably doing more damage than all their enemies combined. Hell, Straw Hat himself came crashing through the goddamned floor only minutes earlier riding a pink fucking dragon.

How very Straw Hat-ya, Law thought to himself with some undeniable, if questionable, amusement.

“The fuck are you smiling about, Trafalgar?” Eustass asked with disgust.

Law scowled, quickly wiping the smile off his face as he looked at his tentative ally. “Speak for yourself,” Law shot back, eyeing the manic grin on Eustass’ lips. 

Seriously. 

He was surrounded by idiots.

First Straw Hat and Roronoa, now Eustass—all of them a bit too happy to pick fights with people for no reason for Law taste.

Although, Law didn’t have much room to talk.

Huffing to himself, Law stood up to his full height, leaning Kikoku’s long blade against his shoulder as he took in Big Mom’s large, threatening presence. She was staring down at them, hair aflame, sword in one hand, thunder cloud in the other. Random things brought to life were dancing at her feet, all of them laughing and taunting him and Eustass. A wide smile was plastered on her face, a smile that couldn’t be more different from the one Straw Hat always wore whenever facing a strong enemy. It was icy cold, born not of the thrill of battle but of pure bloodthirst, lacking any care for anything or anyone.

Law much preferred Straw Hat’s idiotic, excited grins even though they always gave him a headache in the end.

“You have that disgusting expression on your face again,” Eustass said with a click of his tongue.

“Fuck off, Eustass-ya. Focus on the enemy,” Law retorted but he schooled his expression back to neutral.

What was he even doing, thinking about Straw Hat while he had Big Mom raging and ready to kill right in front of him? How stupid. But somehow, he couldn’t help but feel lighter because of it. Because that’s what Luffy did, wasn’t it? Making people stop doubting themselves, giving them hope when there was none, pushing them forward when they saw no path ahead.

Even now, he was on the roof fighting Kaido after he was already defeated twice, stubbornly charging forward to show the way to all the warriors fighting inside the Skull Dome. He would beat Kaido no matter what it took, no matter how many times he got beat down—he would always bounce back like the rubbery idiot he was and finally bring dawn to Wano. And Law had no doubt that he would succeed.

Shaking his head to clear it, Law chased all these useless thoughts away. No matter how confident in their—and Luffy’s—victory he was, they were still facing two Emperors.

Really, having fought them both, he could describe them as nothing but monsters. And honestly… It was fun. And even if it meant he had to work with Eustass, he would make sure to drag Big Mom down from her perch, from the comfortable, untouchable seat of an Emperor of the Sea.

The Rocks’ era was over two years ago.

Now, it was their era to claim.

Flexing his hand, a smirk pulled on Law’s lips. How much would it take to dethrone two relics of a time long gone? How much to claim their seats?

He was sure they were going to find out soon.

“K-Room.”

He was going to bring Big Mom down right here, right now. And then he was going to watch Luffy as he tore the rest of the old world down.

—————

Gasping for breath, Law finally let himself drop to the floor, completely spent. For a moment, he wondered if he could just pass out and sleep for a week now—he deserved at least that after overusing his awakened powers and sending Big Mom who knows how far underground, right?

“Captain!!” 

He heard his crew cheer from somewhere but he didn’t bother looking in that direction; he only closed his eyes, leaning his back against the rubble as he relaxed. Now the only things that remained was cleaning out the fodder, the All Stars, and Kaido.

Law took a deep breath, focusing his Observation Haki to gauge the situation. Honestly, it was near impossible to tell what was even going on inside the Dome but he couldn’t say he cared. It was enough that he couldn’t find either King’s, Queen’s or Jack’s presence. Beside that… the only thing that mattered to him was the roof.

“Straw Hat-ya,” Law muttered, finally opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling where he could sense Luffy’s and Kaido’s Voices.

They were both much weaker than they were at the start of this night but they were still raging to go… although Law could tell Straw Hat was about as exhausted as Law himself. It wouldn’t be long for that fight to be over as well.

“Captain! Are you okay?!” Bepo asked with urgency as he fell to his knees next to Law to check him over.

Law only hummed noncommittally, barely paying attention while he focused on the Voices above. Why were there three now?

And then… there were only two again.

And a split second later… only one.

A single Voice.

And it wasn’t Luffy.

Law’s eyes widened as he shot up, ignoring his protesting body that refused to move. He needed to make sure. 

Law paid no attention to Bepo’s cry, the mink probably shocked from the speed and suddenness of his best friend’s movement, but Law just didn’t care. Not now.

“Room,” he growled, a tiny sphere appearing around his hand for a second before it flickered out of existence again. Law clicked his tongue impatiently, before trying again, "Fucking—Room.”

Finally, his power listened to him and a Room came to life, holding stable, and Law continued, turning his hand up to his chest. “Scalpel.”

“Captain, what are you doing?!” Bepo cried in alarm.

“Not now, Bepo,” Law snapped.

“Have you finally lost it, Trafalgar?” Eustass asked then, voice mocking.

“Shut up!” Law really didn’t have the patience for any of them right now. He could feel his heart being a mile per second as he took it out of his ribcage, his breathing shallow while his mind went completely blank, his vision narrowing until he could barely see anything. “Hold this,” he told Bepo absent-mindedly before he dropped his heart into Bepo’s lap.

He could hear Bepo fumbling to grab it, probably terrified something would happen to the organ with it being treated so carelessly by its owner.

Law, however, simply reached into the hole that was left in his chest, searching—searching for something that should be so easy to grab but that he simply couldn’t find. It couldn’t be gone, it simply couldn’t… Where is it? Please no no no—

Finally, his fingers touched something that didn’t belong in the crevice and Law quickly took it out, clenching it in his fist for a moment. He was scared to look at it. He could already feel it—he could feel the burn, feel the size, feel it falling apart. He didn’t want to look but there was nothing else for him, nothing to do, no way to avoid it. Fuck, he could hear it from his Voice anyway.

He was just so scared.

Taking a shaky breath, Law opened his hand to look at the piece of paper on his palm—or what was left of it.

“Did you seriously just pull a vivre card out of your fucking chest? Are you actually insane?” Eustass asked with his voice completely blank and Law could just imagine the weirded out expression he was probably wearing right then. But then, Eustass continued, “Wait. Don’t tell me that’s—”

“Straw Hat…” Bepo breathed quietly, carefully.

Law didn’t react to either of them. He only gulped heavily, watching as the tiny, oh so tiny piece of paper moved weakly across his palm, getting smaller with every second as the edges burned more and more. There was barely anything left. Barely enough to hang onto any hope.

“What are you doing?” Law growled, but he could barely hear himself. There was a hum in his ears, a white noise that didn’t mean anything, didn’t serve any purpose but to drive him even more mad.

He refused to believe this.

The paper had to be lying.

There was simply no way, no way that Luffy lost.

No way that his life was about to disappear, leaving behind nothing but a few specks of ash.

He had to do something. He blindly reached his free hand, searching for Kikoku, getting ready to get up but his legs weren’t listening to him. He didn’t have any strength left to even move, much less fight.

And then… it was too late anyway.

“No—” Law could barely let out before the last bits of paper scattered into the air, leaving behind nothing more than the ghost of the feeling of burning embers on his palm.

For a moment, it was like time had stopped. Law couldn’t breathe, couldn’t hear, couldn’t feel anything. He only sat there motionlessly while Bepo panicked beside him, Eustass cursing somewhere so very far away. And still, the only thing running through his mind was no, this can’t be happening.

What kind of sick joke was this?

They had come so far; they brought all these people together, they pulled off this raid, they beat all the strongest enemies… The only one left was Kaido and up until this very moment, Law had no doubt he would witness yet another miracle of Straw Hat’s own making.

He never even considered this possibility. If he had known, he would have never—

He shouldn’t have left the roof.

He should have helped.

He should have been there.

But he didn’t and he wasn’t and now he was here; alone. Left with nothing but a hole in his chest and a few pieces of dust on his skin that were just a reminder of what used to be a solid chunk of paper—one full of life which was stronger than any other, with determination to pull through anything and still burn brightly like the sun.

So why? Why did this happen?

Law barely flinched when the ceiling came crashing down and Kaido’s booming voice demanded Momonosuke’s head, declaring Luffy’s death in the same breath.

It wasn’t a surprise to him, after all. It didn’t fucking matter what Kaido said at this point.

“It was a short-lived dream…” Eustass muttered.

“Suppose it’s the cold, hard reality. We have nothing left,” Law replied, voice completely void of emotion. He still couldn’t tear his eyes away from charred, black remains of Luffy’s life-force still clinging to his skin.

“Fuck this. I’m going to fight, Trafalgar. I’m not surrendering just like that,” Eustass announced, slowly getting to his feet even though his movements were sluggish and wobbly.

And Law knew—he knew that was the right thing to do. He, too, was going to fight. This was no time to sit here and be completely useless…

But before he could so much as look up, something stopped him. “What the—”

Completely frozen, Law could only watch with wide eyes as specks of dust and ash gathered in his palm, swirling in place as if guided by a non-existent gust of wind. It took Law a long moment to realise what was happening; and how could he? It was ridiculous, completely unheard of, and if Law didn’t see it happening in real time, he would never have believed it.

But there it was, the very same vivre card that had burned down to nothing a mere minute ago, back in one piece as if nothing happened and only growing bigger each second.

The wave of powerful haki that followed seemed almost redundant then. And when the deafening beat of a drum started echoing in his mind, Law had no doubt what was happening anymore. Or well, he still had absolutely no idea what was even going on but he did know the most important thing.

“Fucking idiot,” Law sighed as his fingers curled into a fist around the full-sized, alive vivre card, clutching it close.

“What’s going on? What’s this sound?!” Bepo asked, paws on his ears as he looked around with confusion.

“Just Straw Hat-ya doing something ridiculous. Again. Don’t worry about it, he’s really going to finish it now.” Law let go of a tired breath, finally allowing himself to relax again. He felt so exhausted… As if the fight with Big Mom wasn’t enough, Straw Hat just had to go and make it worse.

He was going to have a word with this idiot when this was all over.

“Uhm, captain?”

Cracking one eye open, Law glanced at Bepo, humming questioningly.

Bepo fumbled for a moment, looking like he was trying to pick something up while absolutely terrified to touch it. Only when he managed to raise his paws up, did Law realise why. “Sorry. What—what about your heart?”

“Shit I completely forgot,” Law groaned, forcing himself to sit up again before he reached over to grab the organ from Bepo’s awkward hold to put it back in place. “Thanks.”

“Freak,” someone noted.

“Fuck off, Eustass-ya.”

—————

Whatever Law had expected to happen when Straw Hat had come back, it sure as hell wasn’t that. He still wasn’t sure what did actually happen but watching Luffy, with his hair and clothes pure white, jump and run around, change sizes however he wished, bend the very laws of nature to his own will, and laugh like a maniac the whole time… It was both completely surreal and perfectly Straw Hat at the same time.

And watching him now, having fun during the celebratory festival as if nothing happened…

Law just felt so tired.

“Captain? Are you okay?” Penguin asked when Law got up from the ground where he and his crew had been drinking at the sidelines of the heart of the festival.

No, Law's mind immediately supplied but he bit his tongue, refusing to let the word slip out.

“I need a break,” Law said without elaborating.

Penguin looked like he was about to press him but when their eyes met, he deflated and nodded, making Law sigh in relief. He really didn’t feel like explaining the frustration he felt right then—not to his crew, not to his friends, not to anyone. He was sure Penguin, Shachi and Bepo could understand what was on his mind either way, after all the time they’ve known each other. 

Without another word, Law turned around and left, leaving the noise and energy of the festival behind. He didn’t even know where he was heading, he simply knew he needed to get away; get somewhere where he could breathe, where he didn’t have to put up a facade of being alright.

Because he wasn’t alright. Not after Onigashima; the fight with Kaido, Big Mom, and everything after… It was too much. And with everyone celebrating and all the stress falling away, it was getting impossible to hide.

He really didn’t want to see anyone but of course, it couldn’t be that easy.

“Torao!! Finally found you!”

Heaving a deep sigh, Law stopped in his tracks, rubbing at his forehead. He already felt a headache coming; he wasn’t ready for this conversation but he knew there would be no point in trying to run away from this stubborn idiot. He always had a way to find Law wherever he would try to hide.

“Straw Hat-ya. What is it?” he asked when the other captain stopped next to him, out breath but with a wide smile plastered on his face and Law hated how his heart skipped a beat at the sight.

“I just wanted to see you! Your friends said you went on a walk so I thought I’d join you!” he announced proudly.

Law didn’t respond, he only turned away and started walking again. 

“Oi, Torao. Wait for me,” Straw Hat said, obviously taken aback by Law’s lack of communication.

“Then keep up,” Law shot back. He wasn’t even sure why he was being so short with him but he was just so annoyed.

They walked in silence for a moment and Law could feel Straw Hat’s gaze on the side of his head the entire time. He wanted to snap at him to stop staring, to just go away but somehow… he didn’t even care anymore.

He wasn’t surprised when Straw Hat finally spoke up, probably unable to bear the silence anymore, “Torao. What’s wrong?”

Law closed his eyes momentarily, praying for patience. He couldn’t say anyone was listening to him, however, and he felt his blood-pressure raising as he gritted his teeth. “Take a fucking guess,” he hissed.

Straw Hat tilted his head to the side, his eyebrows scrunching up into an adorable frown—one that only made Law even more annoyed. “I won’t know unless you talk to me, Torao…”

“Fine! You want to know what’s wrong? You’re what’s wrong!” Law finally snapped, running his hands through his hair in frustration, knocking his hat off in the process but he didn’t even care. “What the fuck were you thinking? You just let Kaido push you to that point without asking for help and without anyone even fucking knowing! And then what happened?!”

“Tora—” Straw Hat started before stopping himself. He quietly watched Law as he started pacing back and forth and continued ranting.

“Actually, I don’t even want to know what was running through that empty goddamned head of yours. Probably fucking nothing because you never think. You never stop to plan anything, never even wonder what might happen! Did the fact you already lost once and ended up in a fucking labour camp mean nothing? Why are you always so fucking reckless—”

“Law!” Straw Hat finally called before he grabbed Law’s arm, forcing him to stop in his tracks. “Law, look at me.”

“Fuck off, Straw Hat-ya. Let me go!” Law growled, trying to pry his arm out of Luffy’s vice grip without much success.

“No! Law, please. Look at me. We won. We’re both fine, all of us are fine. Nothing—”

“Don’t you dare say nothing happened!” Law interrupted as he finally yanked his arm free to instead point at Luffy’s chest, poking him hard just above his heart with every word that followed, “You. Fucking. Died.”

Silence followed his final statement. Luffy simply looked at him in silence, those large, honest eyes seemingly peering right into Law’s soul and taking him apart to the last atom while Law only stood there, glaring back at him as he panted lightly, out of breath after his tirade. He didn’t even care if he sounded pathetic and childish; he was just so angry. Angry and frustrated and tired and so scared.

It took a full minute before either of them moved but finally, Straw Hat opened his mouth, speaking quietly, “But I didn’t die, Law. I’m here now.”

Law clicked his tongue. “Luffy, you fucking died. Your vivre card burned to nothing in my fucking hand and I could do fuck all about it.”

And that was the entire heart of the matter, wasn’t it? That Law didn’t know until it was too late, that he couldn’t do anything about it, that he was completely and utterly helpless. Helpless in supporting him, helpless in protecting him, helpless in bringing him back.

It was only thanks to luck, the absolute ridiculousness of the Gum Gum Fruit, and Straw Hat’s endless willpower that he was even standing in front of Law right now. Law couldn’t do anything to support the love of his miserable fucking life when he most needed it.

He knew Luffy wouldn’t have wanted his help in the first place. He knew the best thing he could have done in that situation was to take care of Big Mom. He knew.

And yet…

“I’m sorry,” Luffy said finally, voice serious.

Law sighed heavily. “No, you’re not.”

“Well, I mean—” Straw Hat folded his hands behind his head, a small pout appearing on his lips— “I’m not sorry about picking a fight with Kaido, he deserved it!”

“See?” Law groaned while rubbing the bridge of his nose. Why was this idiot so—

“But I am sorry I scared you. Really.”

As soon as Law heard those words, it was like all energy drained from him and his shoulders sagged. He didn’t even care anymore; he just wanted to sleep and not have to think about any of this. Why was he even so angry in the first place? It was all done and over already. No what-ifs or alternatives could change what really happened and Luffy was right—they were okay now and everything worked out.

So what did it matter?

Clicking his tongue, Law turned away. He wanted to pick up his forgotten hat and just leave but before he could so much as lean down, Luffy’s fingers closed around his wrist, stopping him. He looked at him questioningly but before he could so much as say anything, Luffy shook his head, tugged at Law’s hand gently… and smiled.

“Come here,” he said quietly, opening his arms in invitation.

Law scowled, not moving a muscle but he didn’t protest when Luffy took a step closer, his arms snaking behind Law’s back and pulling him into a hug. It still took him a moment but soon, it became impossible to fight the warmth and security of Luffy’s embrace and he let himself relax, sinking into the feeling.

Letting go of a shaky breath, Law buried his face into the crook of Luffy’s neck, his arms coming to wrap around Luffy’s waist, pulling him closer. Suddenly, Law realised this was the first time he had touched Luffy since before the battle of Onigashima—really, when was the last time? Probably in the Amigasa village the morning before the raid, when they had exchanged a quick kiss before they each went their own way, to their own crews and their own ships.

After the battle, Luffy was unconscious for days and being cared for by Tony; there was no reason for Law to hang around. He really only got to see him earlier today once the festival started but Luffy being Luffy, he barely said hi to Law before he ran off to raid every stall he could get to.

Maybe… all Law needed was to feel his warmth, touch his skin, smell his hair—make sure he was real, solid, breathing.

That he was alive.

“I’m not going anywhere, Torao,” Luffy mumbled quietly as he slowly ran his fingers through Law’s hair.

“Back to stupid nicknames, are we?” Law asked instead of acknowledging his words.

Straw Hat snickered. “You love it!”

“Fuck off, Straw Hat-ya,” Law sighed.

At that, Luffy only laughed harder. “I love you, Torao.”

Law clicked his tongue, his fingers curling into the fabric of Luffy’s yukata. “Shut up.”

“No. I love you!” he sang, his voice shaking in amusement.

“Fine!” Law snapped. “I love you too. Happy?”

“Yep!” Straw Hat announced proudly and Law could just picture the impossibly bright, blinding smile that was undoubtedly plastered on his face. “Now I just need some of the meat Sanji was cooking before I left to chase you…”

Law groaned. And here he thought they were having a moment… “I take it back. I fucking hate you.”

“What?! But I was going to share with you!”

“I don’t want any,” Law said and despite himself, a smile pulled on his lips.

“But it looked so tasty,” Straw Hat whined.

With an amused huff, Law finally pulled away from Luffy, taking in the adorable pout that was adorning his lips. He didn’t resist the temptation to kiss it away.

But, even after they separated, the unhappy expression stayed in Luffy’s face and Law chuckled, shaking his head at the sight. “You can have the meat, I don’t care.”

Immediately, Luffy’s face split into that blinding grin that made Law fall in love in the first place and he cheered, grabbing Law’s hand to drag him back towards the festival. Law barely had the time to grab his hat off the ground before Luffy’s rubbery pull gave him no choice but to follow.

It was hours later—hours during which he was forced to literally wrestle a laughing Luffy away from the food stalls and their desperately crying owners, only to instead end up goaded into playing many of the available games with Luffy, the Straw Hats, his own crew, Kaido’s son, and Eustass of all people—that Law realised the weight he had been carrying around for days had lifted.

And he wasn’t tired anymore.