#if they’re not actively making each other worse on a personal and emotional level it’s not toxic idk what to tell you

[elizabeth-dicewielder]

Putting the word toxic, especially the phrase toxic yuri, up on the shelf until some of y’all learn how to use it properly

[electricbluebutterflies]

Joel/Tess + “an abrupt, heated kiss during the middle of a fight”

Something like mid-era, PG-ish (there's Language but nothing more), also on ao3.

Fuck.

Tess is not mad. Tess blew past that emotion maybe two hours ago, and now she has a cut on her fucking hip that’ll probably scar and she’s lucky that’s where that asshole knifed her and she’s lucky that’s as far as their weapons supply went and-

By the time she gets home, she’s pretty sure she’s never doing favors for her partner ever again.

She knows the ground rules of their relationship – she gets to do most of the local stuff alone because her pre-apocalypse life choices did not give her a lot of useful skills for the current state of the world, and she’s just as capable of handling their black-market activities, and for god’s sake she grew up in Philly in a family of hockey fans, the half-feral gangster wannabes of Boston do not scare her. And in fairness, she usually enjoys all of it. Makes sure she pulls her weight, handles most of their connections because she at least had once worked retail long enough to be able to play nice with just about anything on legs for a couple minutes at a time, and-

Normally this works out great. Today is not fucking normal.

Today is she got knifed, and the little jackass half her age who thought that was a great idea got knifed in return – never escalate weapons level, Tess has learned, especially in situations that remind her how close she is to forty – and everyone will be okay in a day or two but by the time she makes it back to the apartment she’s not sure how okay she is now, and she’s absolutely going to-

Unfortunately for him, Joel is home and at least looks like he’s had a better day. Fair game.

“What the hell-“

Tess laughs, full-body overwhelmed visceral. “Don’t start. Don’t fuckin’ start.”

“You come home late, I’m gonna-“

She lifts her shirt for the visual, the wound just above the waistband of her pants – unpleasant but it’ll heal, with a little care it’ll at least be a subtle scar – and glares at her partner with a frustration she can only justify with how many years they’ve put up with each other’s bullshit. He’s just as bad, different flavor but the same passively suicidal tendencies, but difference is he’s bigger and the people they deal with tend to take that a little more seriously and-

“Don’t send me into the fuckin’ depths and then get worried when something goes wrong,” she hisses. She’s not blaming him, let her make that absolutely clear, but she needs to yell at somebody and he’s here and convenient and peripherally involved and-

“Other person look worse?”

“Does it matter? I am bleeding and you are-“

“Wondering whether we have to lay low a while is a legitimate-“

“You can’t even stay focused on me for two damn minutes, you can’t-“

He clears the distance between them and gets his hands on her face and his mouth on hers and it’s… more intense than usual, she realizes that in the haze of it all, they both run more aggressive when one of them has recently gotten hurt but this is bitey and full-on and-

“That look like not focused to you?”

What it looks like, Tess is half tempted to say, is the exact placement of her recent wound is going to make the usual conclusion of these days hard to a point of unthinkable. They’re volatile lovers and she’s pretty sure she could still wind him up enough to do her, but injuries get respected and the goddamned cut is right where he’d put a hand if he were fucking her… basically anywhere, neither wall nor couch nor bed is safe, she is so annoyed, she is so-

“You can screw me tomorrow,” she suggests, delay not deny. “When I’m not…”

“Shit. Yeah.” He kisses her again, a little softer, one of those kisses that makes her wonder about the future of them. “Just… can’t lose you. Don’t wanna think about it.”

Love you too, she’d say if she were a little braver. She never will; she’s accepted those words just don’t sound right in her voice, just as they wouldn’t in his. But she can hear them in the silence, as her lover walks away for a few moments and comes back to her with a rag dipped in moonshine that stings like hell on her exposed skin. They’re not like that, but they don’t need to be either.

“You take such good care of me,” she murmurs, leaning into the touch anyways.

Love you too, his gentleness says. She’ll take it.

[nexlance]

Procrastination: Why Do We Engage In It & Reasons To Avoid It.

Discover why people engage in procrastination and 5 reasons to avoid it.

Procrastination. We’ve all done it at one time or the other. We start watching an entertaining series on youtube and keep clicking the “next” button. While we say to ourselves, “No worries, I will stop after the next series” Boom it's 4 a.m. in the morning, and we realize we have a meeting the next day at 7:00 a.m. So we make a pledge to ourselves that we would never procrastinate again! Until next time. "Tomorrow is generally the busiest day of the week," says an old Spanish proverb. Procrastination is one of the most powerful problems we face in the twenty-first century. All the distractions around us have made it much simpler to procrastinate on a task and put it off until the last minute, or perhaps abandon it entirely. Once we start procrastinating, it's difficult to quit. Worse, we occasionally give ourselves a kick in the butt and sit down to complete our task... Then we can't even concentrate! Yikes. Don't be deceived; persistent procrastination can linger with you and drain your productivity levels for several years.  

Why do we engage in Procrastination?

We are too scared to fail (we fear failure so much that it leads to procrastination). Fear, in general, induces procrastination by acting as a powerful emotional barrier, making individuals more averse to particular jobs and causing delays in taking action just to delay whatever they're frightened of. For example, if a person is scared of failing at a task, they may postpone the activity to avoid dealing with their fear. “Fear is the mind-killer” - Frank Herbert Coping with fear through avoidance might assist the procrastinator to safeguard their mood in the short term by postponing the project they're frightened of. However, in the long run, this often harms them more than it benefits them, for a variety of reasons: - Procrastination does not eliminate fear; rather, it postpones the time at which the procrastinator must confront it. - Procrastination allows the fear to develop and worsen, which can amplify the bad feelings connected with it. - Procrastination can lead to the development of new negative emotions such as frustration, guilt, and shame. - Procrastination can result in a variety of problems, including increased stress, increased interpersonal conflicts, and failure to achieve goals. We fear failure not because it puts us in danger, but because it makes life more difficult. - If you make a mistake, you must invest resources to correct it. - If you didn't make any progress while working for a longer period of time, it suggests you need to put in more effort to see results. That is less than you anticipated. - If you have a poor day and then slack off till tomorrow, you will wake up with a lot of time squandered. low self-esteem leads to procrastination Your brain genuinely wishes the best for you. It is always hunting for rewards (anything that feels good) and seeks to keep you out of potentially risky situations. For each action or scenario, your brain is continually calculating the possible reward and danger. This equation decides whether you will proceed with an activity or postpone it. Procrastination arises from the emotional component of the brain, which lacks the ability to think long-term or in sophisticated ways, instead reacting exclusively to learned patterns and impulses. Self-esteem is about believing in yourself and your potential to achieve. With strong self-esteem, you may feel confident that you can complete a task and be successful. When you have poor self-esteem, you don't believe that you will be successful at anything. And without an expected reward (which can only be obtained by completing the task successfully), your emotional brain is not driven to undertake the project or task. why devote time and energy to a task if you're going to fail anyway? Where is the joy and satisfaction in that? This type of poor self-esteem is frequently caused by procrastination, creating a positive feedback cycle. Depression often leads to procrastination Most depressed people find it difficult to be productive. Work—and here is where Depressed folks are notorious procrastinators. Procrastination is defined as putting off till later what "should" be done now. The "should" might come from outside, as with the youngster who procrastinates on homework, or it can come from within, as with me planting my garden. It's easy to perceive the rebelliousness that procrastination shows when it originates from without. When it originates from within, it's difficult to understand what function procrastination serves—but it might serve many. It is pretty normal for young adults to purposefully postpone doing things they don't want to do until the last minute, even if this causes them extra worry. People who procrastinate may be aware that they are "spending time," but they don't always realize what is preventing them from keeping on track. When people are sad, they frequently lose interest in activities that they used to like. They may profess interest in an activity but hesitate to commit if they are concerned that they are not up to it at the time. When someone is sad, tasks appear to demand more energy. When people take a step back and try to plan something that they may normally do without thinking, it might feel or look scarier. People who suffer from depression sometimes don't know where to begin when little pressures add up. The initial step appears to be as daunting as the larger vision, making it difficult to prioritize. They may begin several "projects" and then abandon them when they become bored or frustrated. A "why" mindset is related to depression. many people fail to grasp how completing one task might lead to new chances. They sometimes wonder, "Why am I even doing this?" or "What is the point of this?" They are more likely to express cynicism and feel disconnected from their values in their search for meaning. Procrastinators have several major misconceptions about how labor works. They believe that highly productive people are always in a happy, enthusiastic frame of mind that allows them to dive right into heaps of paper and do what has to be done. On the contrary, inspiration comes after action rather than the other way around. When we force ourselves to confront the work at hand, we generally find that it isn't as horrible as we thought, and we begin to feel good about the progress we are making. Work comes first, followed by a pleasant attitude of mind. Depressed people believe that people with high job abilities are constantly confident and easily achieve their goals; because they do not feel this way, they believe they will never be successful. However, most individuals who are truly successful anticipate difficulties, disappointments, and failures along the path. Knowing this in advance, they aren't caught off guard and fall into self-blame anytime there is a problem. We will waste a lot of our life if we wait until we are perfectly prepared and highly motivated to get started with things  

5 reasons to stop procrastination

Sabotage us from achieving our Goals When we think about objectives, about wanting to achieve or improve something, procrastination tends to kick in full force. You may have a tremendous desire to change, but you simply cannot seem to take the initial step. Maybe you create a goal for yourself but don't follow through. Normally, this is intriguing and confounding. "Why is it so difficult to go for something I want so badly?" you may wonder. We make goals because we want to improve our lives one way or the other. If you don't do anything due to procrastination, you limit your chances of improving your life by achieving the Goal. procrastination drains our Self-Esteem We delay because poor self-esteem makes us believe we won't be able to complete a task or project properly. Unfortunately, procrastination increases emotions induced by poor self-esteem, leading to even greater self-doubt. According to one research of 426 college students, "academic procrastination was adversely predicted by self-esteem and self-control." When we have low self-esteem, we limit ourselves, believe we are unworthy of success, and begin to self-sabotage. Procrastination slowly erodes your confidence, but it may be unavoidable if you do nothing. If this rings true for you, work on improving your self-esteem rather than clinging to the notion that you should be able to perform better. This only compels you to participate in something you are not prepared to undertake in the first place. procrastination digs continuously into your Reputation When you repeatedly state you'll do something and you didn't do it, your reputation is always at risk. as a business person or professional service provider, nobody wants to believe your words anymore. You are harming your own reputation as well as your self-esteem and confidence. It becomes even easier to delay or postpone each and everytime. People may stop relying on you and withhold opportunities from you because they are concerned that you will simply procrastinate, leaving them to clean up the mess. Procrastination Puts our Mental Health at risk If you put off doing things for too long, it will most certainly stress you out and cause anxiety, especially if other people or objects are involved. If you are frequently worried or easily overwhelmed and nervous, you will have poor health consequences. Procrastination can also lead to depression, which can impair other aspects of your life. The sadder you are, the more difficult it is to take action. Not only are you sad, but it gets worse day by day. When you procrastinate, you are not just putting something off, but you are also choosing to feel more anxious and burdened. Don't put your mental health in danger by not addressing your procrastination. Procrastination is one of the top reasons for Relationships Issues The negative impacts of procrastination on relationships are not to be taken lightly. Often, the "procrastinator" is ignorant of the other person's developing aggravation and disappointment. Worse, by the time they recognize it, it may be too late. Perhaps you frequently cancel arrangements with family members or friends because you have procrastinated on something that is now a non-negotiable task. Your spouse begins to lose faith in you because you never follow through on your promises and plan. Doing this a few times will undoubtedly wreck any relationship, and the harm might be irrevocable.   So are you ready to stop procrastinating and become productive by getting things done in the right time? check out my post on "Your Practical Guide To Stop Procrastination" to get started. Read the full article

[reidscanehand]

Based on this anonymous request: i’d love to request angst #2 and kisses #17 from the blurbs if they’re not requested already 🥺

Thank you for the request xx  2."Please don’t cry.” 

17. Kiss on top of the head

Spencer Reid x BAUfem! Reader

Category: fluff

TW: alcohol consumption, kssing while mildly intoxicated

Word count: 1150; Hope you enjoy xx 

The thing about getting drunk with Spencer Reid is that it’s objectively the funniest thing in the entire world. His posture, if possible, gets worse, his wild gesticulation has a field day, and his seemingly impossible brain is...still intact and active, but the lack of inhibition certainly plays its role in making him...more emotional than usual? Spencer, contrary to the somewhat robotic nature of his (actually incredible) auto-didaticism is an intensely emotional person. Sensitive, even. A quality that crystallizes into a positively chaotic level of emotion when his inhibitions are lowered, which, as you know, is part of the reason he rarely drinks. However, this last case had been hard. Really hard, actually, but had ended - somewhat miraculously - well. And, while you also rarely went out to party with the team, you couldn’t help but agree with Derek when he announced that the team was going out because it was ‘more than deserved’. 

And that is how you found yourself sitting at a local bar - something near Quantico that had a good late night drink deal, which turned out to be entirely unnecessary as Rossi decided to come with and offered to foot the entire bill - with Spencer Reid pushed next to you in the booth. This wasn’t a bad thing, but it was rare for Spencer to be pushed up next to anyone...especially when it isn’t necessary. Which...it definitely isn’t. It’s a Thursday, late at night and the team are the only ones in this bar besides the bartender and a few other employees, thus allowing the group to spread out over two booths, meaning everyone had plenty of room to themselves...something that drunk Spencer had clearly decided to either not notice or ignore entirely. 

You tried desperately not to notice the smug expressions on your fellow team members’ faces, but they were rather hard to avoid. Especially as Spencer (urged on by the alcohol in his system) cozied up to you rambling on about whatever popped into his genius brain. Part of it was the alcohol, part of it was the fact that you highly encouraged and rather unabashedly enjoyed Spencer’s rambling, truly not understanding how anyone could find it even mildly annoying. The two of you have been close since you joined the team, only a little over a year ago now and, at some point, you’d gained what you - and the rest of the team - thought to be an incredibly obvious crush on the ludditian genius. Fortunately for you, Spencer doesn’t seem to notice. It was moments like this where you thought...he might be interested in you? Even just a bit. There were others: sweet moments of reassurance during difficult cases, checking in on each other regularly, occasionally hanging out outside of work to go to museums or get coffee, but nothing so untoward as to make you believe there is anything more to your relationship than a close friendship. The rest of the team remained unconvinced, especially Derek who insists the two of you are absolutely made for one another, even going so far as to every so often call you ‘Mrs. Genius’ or ‘Pretty Girl’ or, on only one absolutely humiliating occasion, introducing you on a case as ‘Mrs. Reid’. He’d received a stern warning from Hotch after that one, only because it had actually confused the local police. However, this too went seemingly unnoticed by the resident genius. Even now as the two of you sit alone in the booth, the rest of the team split between the bar and the dance floor, he seems unaware of the intimacy of the moment. 

“Y/N?” Spencer’s voice breaks your reverie. You make eye contact with him, recognizing that you’ve fully spaced out thinking about him. 

“Oh, sorry, Spence,” you blush, looking away to hide your embarrassment.

“Am I boring you?” he asks. You meet his eyes again, a little surprised at how alert he is. You look at the table realizing he’s only had two drinks. Spencer is, unsurprisingly, a lightweight, but he actually hasn’t consumed that much alcohol this evening. 

“Not at all!” you say far too quickly. “I just...um, can’t hear you very well over the music.” Spencer looks at you for a moment, considering something, only to reach over your lap, grabbing your legs and pulling them across his lap, scooting you against him. 

“Can you hear me now?” he asks cheekily, a shockingly smug smirk plastered on his lips. 

You look up at him, eyes wide and mouth agape. You attempt to respond but merely release a choked laugh. The smirk on his mouth dies almost instantly, breaking into something akin to terror. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers abruptly. “That was too much...I shouldn’t have-” He cuts himself off with a sniffle and you realize, much to your alarm, that he’s nearly in tears. 

“Oh, Spencer, no,” you hasten to reply, awkwardly (for your current seating arrangement) wrapping an arm around him as he drops his head into your lap, “please don’t cry. It’s really okay, I was just surprised.”

“No, no,” he whines, his voice slightly muffled in your lap, “I’m embarrassing you again. I do that all the time and I don’t mean to-”

“Spencer, what are you talking about?” 

“I like you!” he nearly yells. You try not to think about the vibrations of his voice radiating throughout your legs as he speaks as that’s hardly what’s most important in this moment.

“What?” you coo gently, rubbing small circles into his back. He doesn’t sit up, releasing a sigh from his position in your lap. 

“I like you,” he grumbles. “I’ve liked you for a long time and I know...I know you don’t feel the same way, but I think you’re so smart and you’re so pretty and you put up with me, which is way too nice of you-” 

You lean down, placing a gentle kiss atop his head, halting his unnecessary apology. Spencer slowly sits up, his eyes never leaving your face. He opens his mouth to speak only to lick his lips and close it for a moment. 

“Wha-what was that for?” he rasps. You scoot ever so slightly closer and take his face in your hands.

“Spencer,” you begin quietly. “I don’t ‘put up with you’, I like you. I like you quite a lot, actually, and I cannot believe you didn’t know because everyone else knows. And I know you’ve had a bit to drink and you’re not fully yourself right now, but when you’re sober, if you’d still like to-” It’s his turn to cut you off as he jolts forward, pressing his lips to yours. 

“I’m not drunk,” he replies, “and I’d like you no matter what.”

You make sure he gets home that evening, barely meeting Derek’s very smug face as you give him the job of getting Spencer home. You’re still unsure of whether or not he means it, knowing he did actually consume some alcohol and how emotional it makes him. However, as though he’s made it his new mission in life to surprise you, Spencer fully quashes any doubts the next morning, his phone call waking you before your alarm.

“So,” he says without any other greeting, “can I take you out sometime?” 

[shishibloomy]

Hello! I love the Shishigumi and they don’t get enough love! I was hoping you could, if comfortable, how the Shishigumi members react to their s/o having a mental disorder (anxiety/depression etc.) and what they do to comfort them/how they react and or feel. If not then delete this :)

Ill stick with the anxiety/depression stuff cus thats what I’m most familiar with.

Ibuki I feel like Ibuki would be one of the best people to have with you if you’re going through an anxiety attack or a depressive episode.  He’ll be there with you through every thing and he’ll know how to balance letting you take time to rest but also getting you up to get you moving.  I think he would also appreciate that you’re showing this side of yourself to him and being vulnerable.  He’ll probably start opening up to you more as well and it’ll be more time for both of you to bond. Talking is going to be very important for him. He's had to hide his struggles behind the mask of being a strong lion so having someone he can open to is going to be refreshing for him; he might end up talking more than you because he feels so comfortable with you.  After the first couple of times of it happening, he’ll figure out a routine for you that will get you up and running. If you're having anxiety doing something, he'll be there with you through it all. If it gets very bad, he'll give you the comfiest hug in the world until you stop feeling so anxious. He keeps your hand in his and squeezes it to let you know that he's there with you. He's honestly a giant lion teddy bear, and one thats happy to be cuddling with you too.

Miguel

With Miguel, his first thought will be to get you up and active. He'll make sure to only do as much as you're comfortable with; he just doesn't want you to fall into a rut. He'll take you to walks and low impact workouts and use them as an opportunity for you to open up to him about whatevers going on with you. His usual intense gaze softens up incredibly; he doesn't want you to feel intimidated from him. He does a lot of comfortable touches that help you relax, like keeping your hand in his or rubbing your arm. If the two of you are walking somewhere, he'll have his arm wrapped around you the whole time and keep you flushed against him, it's especially nice during the winter time. Even though he tries to get you more active, he'll also be doing so much for you during this time. If you don't feel like eating, he'll make something for you that you'll like; if you're laying down somewhere and you need to go somewhere, he'll just pick you up and take you somewhere. If you have issues with anxiety, he'll work with you ot build up your confidence... by getting you to work out more. Not because it's anything related to your physical appearance but working out in a gym infront of people will make you more comfortable. He'll be with you the whole time so if you start getting very uncomfortable, you can tell him and he'll stop.

Free

Free suddenly becomes so serious with his s/o. Yes he is reckless himself but when it comes to someone he cares about, you bet he's going to watch out for them. He drinks and does a lot of silvervine, but in front of you he'll never do it because substances like that can make depression and anxiety worse. If you want to just lay down and not do anything, he's going to take that as an opportunity to lay with you and cuddle you. He's going to be talking to you a lot to keep your mind active and it's going to be the randomest things ever (most of which he got from Agata). He just wants to laugh with you and hear your happy voice again. He's not the best at talking about his feelings but he's going to try and open up so that you feel comfortable talking to him. It's going to be stuff like "I know shit sucks sometimes but it'll get better babe." Also, expect his regular affection do increase even more. If you're making breakfast, he'll hug you from behind the whole time or try to make it for you; if you're doing stuff in public, he'll never let go of your hand; he's going to be giving you kisses every minute too. He wants you to feel very loved the whole time.

Agata

Agata is someone who wants to be more comfortable talking about his feelings so when he sees you going through some depression or having anxiety, he'll spend a lot of time making sure you're feeling ok and asking how you're doing. He doesn't want you to have to hold everything in like he had to and pretend like everything was ok. He's very sensitive about things so he'll pick up right away if you aren't feeling ok. He's going to try to get you to play a lot of really fun, feel good, or goofy games with him. Think Mario Party, Animal Crossing, Minecraft, Roblox, etc. He'll bring you a lot of snacks you like and some new ones both of you guys havent tried before so you can eat them together. After you start opening up to him, he'll start telling you how he feels as well. He wants to bond with you and also let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings. I imagine him as someone who also has issues with anxiety stemming from all his pressures to be a strong lion so you’ll both be helping each other in situations where you’re anxious. Lots of hand holding, standing close together, whispering in each other’s ears. You’ll both eventually forget others are there because you’re both so focused on each other

Dolph

Dolph ends up being a leader to the Shishigumi when their actual leader isn't there so he has experience from members who occasionally come up to him and talk him (specifically Agata). He seems like someone who's very intimidating but when he wants to, he can be the sweetest person ever. Whenever you talk to him, it feels very intimate because he keeps very intense eye contact with you. He doesn't do it intentionally but he wants to feel connected to you; if you feel uncomfortable he'll tone it down a bit. Dolph will listen to you a lot and then if you ask for advice, he'll give some. He wants you to know that he's listening to whatever you're saying and that you getting better is the most important thing to him. You'll find him bringing up times when he's had similar issues and how he went through them and survived; he wants you to know that whatever it is that has you depressed is only temporary and you'll get through it. When it comes to your anxiety, he's also like Ibuki in the sense that he's a giant lion teddy bear that you can hug and hold whenever you get anxious. He's going to use his scar as an example; even though he has it over his face, he manages to get through public interactions.

Dope

Dope will know right away that you aren’t feeling good by reading your body language. Even if you don’t tell him, he’ll ask you if everything’s ok and offer you lots and lots of emotional support. He wants you to feel absolutely comfortable telling him everything so he can do something to help you feel better. If you thought that he was good with his words before, he comes to a whole other level to make you feel better. If you talk about yourself in a deprecating way, he's going to correct you right away. It might feel irritating at first but he wants to change your negative way of thinking and eventually you'll notice that you have less deprecating thoughts about yourself too. Until he notices that you start acting like you did before your depressive episode, he's going to dedicate time for you every day where you open up to him about how you're feeling. He'll also make sure to ask you if you want comfort or solutions so he doesn't say anything that might upset you if you just want to vent. If you want solutions, he'll sit with you until you two figure out what works best for you.

Hino

Hino is the king of self care and it’s going to reflect when he helps you during a depressive episode. If you aren’t feeling up for doing anything, he’s going to make sure you’re taking care of your personal hygiene. When you wake up, he’ll do a routine for you (face wash, brushing teeth, putting on some moisturizer and sunscreen) so you feel pampered. He wants you to feel good and fresh physically even if you aren’t feeling the best mentally. He’ll do the same at night and will get new products for both of you to try out; some of them are luxe and some are more silly (face masks that bubble when you put them on and sheet masks that have funny faces on them). He’ll be showering you with compliments the whole time, and they’re all genuine ones; none of those superficial ones. He’ll bring you some new clothes to try on, it’ll be cute outfits he picks out for you and all of them fit perfectly. Even though this all seems a bit materialistic, he does it all while giving you a lot of emotional support too. These things are just extra stuff to help you feel better because it’s things he likes himself and he wants to do things both of you can enjoy together. I imagine Hino as a very artistic person too so he’ll do art activities with you. Lots of painting how you’re feeling and writing out your feelings in poetry. He’s going to make sure you don’t feel the pressure to make your art look perfect and he’ll share his to show you that your art can be anything you want it to be. If you get anxiety in public, just take him anywhere with you and all the attention will be on him. He will make sure to build up your confidence so that you don’t need to rely on him all the time too and Hino is the best person for a morale boost.

Sabu

Sabu is better at telling you're feeling upset than Dope is. He has his years of experience under his belt and him being quiet means he listens more. You don't even realize it but he's been listening to a lot of the little things you say and from that he picks up that you aren't in the best state of mind. Before you even tell him, you notice that he starts doing a lot of things for you to make your mood better. Whatever he doesn't say with words, he shows with his actions and right now it's that he wants you to feel better. Once you do tell him and open up to him, he makes an effort to try and talk more to you. Similarly to Dolph, he'll mainly listen and then only talk if you ask him to. He's not used to talking about his past so it's going to be a new thing for him to be so open about it but he'll do it so that you feel comfortable. It'll still be short answers but you know that he's trying his best to open up. If you're having anxiety, Sabu will be your silent supporter through all of it. If anyone in particular tries to mess with you, he goes back to his intimidating self and will get them to back off of you right away. Just imagine a scary, scarred lion intimidating someone while holding his s/os hand.

Jinma

When you tell Jinma about how you're feeling, his first train of thought is to find the best therapist in the BAM that you can talk through all of this. He wants to help you through all of it but he knows he has his connections and he could find someone way more qualified. Even if you do go to a therapist, he'll still make sure to check on you through everything. If you really enjoy nature, he'll find the best nature area that the both of you can go to together. If you want to eat something good, he's going to find the best and most exclusive place and somehow manage to get you reservations the day of it all. Whatever you want, he's going to know where to get you the best one of it. If he doesn't know where to get it, he'll know someone else who will. If you're dealing with anxiety issues, he'll make sure to talk to the best therapist and figure out ways to get you comfortable in situations that make you anxious. He'll also try his own things by taking you to places with him so you get more comfortable being in new places. Of course nothing dangerous like gang deals but if he hears about a new place to check out, he's definitely making you tag along so that the two of you can experience it together.

[treenissanderssidesstuff]

🧩 A theory you have

I keep forgetting what is and isn't a theory. But I can prove "intrusive thoughts" is a terrible descriptor for Remus to go along with my hijacking @typically-untypical's post if you want.

So this is gonna piggyback off of that Catharsis Remus post, which you should read before this for some context. As I said there, all of the sides but Janus (sorta) cause c!Thomas to have intrusive thoughts. Remus' brand of intrusive thoughts however helps restore a sense of control.

Anyone who makes dark jokes can probably relate to this pretty quickly. If you've ever been stressed about an assignment and said something like "kill me" because of it? That's Remus' brand of things. Making a joke like that makes yourself recontextualize a situation. Did you think about something dark for a moment there? Sure. However, that assignment that was stressing you out? Maybe it suddenly isn't quite so bad in the face of death. Just reminding yourself that there are technically other options and that doing the assignment for the betterment of your life is the one you're choosing is empowering. If you've laughed the joke off and felt a resurgence of drive? It's because you've re-centered yourself into a position of feeling control again and reminded yourself that whatever impossible task your facing doesn't have to be the end. The world isn't hinged on you doing something perfectly. You've made your problem small, by reminding yourself you're actively conquering a much bigger one just by being.

Okay, so now that I've given some context for what Remus' brand of intrusive thoughts are and how they're useful, let me explain how all of the lightsides have their own brand of intrusive thoughts that are both useful, but dangerous in excess.

Virgil: This one should be obvious. Anxiety is riddled with intrusive thoughts. "What if I go to the party and I make a fool of myself?" "I can't talk to that person, they'll think I'm stupid." "Is that person judging me?" "What if I can't do it?" Virgil makes c!Thomas think before he acts, which he needs we know he needs, but it can be crippling because it can make him worry too much and cause a paralysis of action. Virgil's brand of intrusive thoughts is thoughts related to a fear of what "could be." Accepting anxiety already contextualized his brand quite a bit. (Thanks Logan!)

Patton: Patton's got a one/two punch because he's morality and emotions. "Am I a bad person when I do something for myself?" "Do I deserve what I have? To be here?" "What about all of those talented people who are getting overlooked?" "Do I really deserve my friends?" "They're all so amazing though, they don't need me..." Patton's brand of intrusive thoughts is related to what "is" related to perceived expectations of people's opinion is specifically valued. He's the feeling of having to "deserve" what a person have in some way or downgrade achievements. c!Thomas' need to prove over and over again that he's actually trying and that he cares. It's a wonderful thing to want to help others, to show love and appreciation, but there is no "being good enough" if a person lets this type of guilt take over.

Roman: Roman's got that fear of failure, but in a different way than Virgil. It's more like failure induced stress. Virgil's the surface level anxiety about making a mistake, Roman's the deeper worry about not being enough that is only "proven correct" with every failure. "You didn't get/win [blank] because you're not talented enough." "You didn't work hard enough." "You should have done more, put in more effort." "You'll never match up to those other people, they deserve it." "Taking breaks is just laziness." Roman's intrusive thoughts are related to what "was" and perceptions connected to the past. He focuses on flaws and failures and causes c!Thomas to do the same. Each time a short term goal isn't met, is just fuel for that kind of self-hatred of not "doing enough." He keeps the dream alive, keeps pushing c!Thomas forward, but too much? And everything will feel useless because that self-degradation will stop being motivating and will start making c!Thomas feel inherently like a failure.

Logan: Logan's a bit of a tricky one because he's usually made to be the problem solver, but he's also had his own fair share of problems. Logan's issues are usually related to making he perceives as the "wrong" decisions. "If you had chosen a different career, you would be more stable." "People are laughing at you." "You're not acting like a proper adult." "You'll never be respected like this." Logan's intrusive thoughts are related to what "could have been," specifically an idealized version of that. It's easy to pretend things could have been better if a person had made different decisions, but different doesn't mean better. Having a job in science might have made c!Thomas appear more like a "standard adult," but would have he been happier? Probably not. If he thought at the time it would have made him happier, he probably would have chosen that path then. In some ways it can be good, because these kinds of thoughts can remind a person that there are other options if things don't work out. However, these kinds of thoughts pushed too far can make a person feel as if they've already ruined their life to the point of being irreparable, especially when their decisions go against the grain of normal expectations of society.

Janus: Janus is a little funny because he's a rule breaker (what else is new?) compared to the others. His focus is c!Thomas bettering himself, not to what others want, but to what he wants. There's no real outside stimuli related to him to cause intrusive thoughts. What he does do though, is make c!Thomas face the ones he has. He tries to breakdown the guilt, the fear, the shame by bringing it to focus and showing why it's wrong. It's the kind of thing that's painful to do in the moment, but also prevents you from hurting yourself worse. Actively explaining that you think your friends will hate you? It's uncomfortable. It hurts so much worse than passively believing it... in that moment. However, facing that perception is wrong? Prevents a lot of pain in the future of just letting yourself believe it.

And then we cycle back to Remus who in some ways, really is the garbage man, not because of how he presents himself, but because he forces c!Thomas to see what he's doing right by making him face the potential of a darker timeline and clean up the other's messes when they go to far.

[jonsa101]

Episode 3x14: A Reflection of How Max Stepped Into Love After A Season of Suffering

Gif credit @supagirl

Hey guys! I can’t believe the season finale has come and gone! I think my mind is just taking time to comprehend everything that has happened! Sharpwin is officially canon! As I’m typing this out, it feels strange writing a meta on the other side of things. Since season one, I’ve been writing metas about how these two belong together and making predictions about the trajectory of their relationship. Now, to be on the other side of things where I know longer have to do that because these two are finally together is kinda crazy. I feel so elated!

Now y’all, I’m not going to lie to you, I had a totally different meta planned out and that meta is still in my drafts. I will probably release it because it was a general review of the episode but I thought it was more important that I put this meta out first. When I was watching the finale live, I didn’t love it. I just didn’t. I loved that Max and Helen finally got together at the end of the episode but I had a major issue with how it unfolded. The issue my friends was this scene right here: 

Baby!!! When I tell you this scene TRIGGERED me, it did! Now mind you, I wasn’t upset with Max’s storyline of searching and struggling to take off his wedding ring. It is human nature for Max to still have an emotional attachment to his ring. He’s not still grieving but essentially that ring is the only thing he has left of Georgia and represents a life he once had. Him taking it off was always going to be a monumental moment for Sharpwin and for himself. The issue that I had was Max casually telling Helen that he freaked out about losing his ring!!! To me, after the voicemail he left her, after Helen flew standby and was in a six hour flight to see him, it was an incredibly CALLOUS thing for Max to say. I know Max wasn’t thinking in this moment. I know his intentions were clearly not to hurt her but words matter and him being careless with his was a complete disregard of Helen’s feelings. She was deeply hurt and upset when he said this and rightfully so! I mean just look at her expression here:

Helen’s entire being read like

“I can’t believe you”

And girl same, because neither could I!! He knew he fucked up and he obviously made up for it in the end but y’all when I was watching it live, everything that came after that elevator scene was was tainted for me. I had a hard time believing that Helen would let what he said slide so easily and in the moment, I couldn’t appreciate the beauty of them finally coming together! 😩 In my personal opinion, there were so many other ways that scene could have played out without Max having to literally tell Helen to her face that he was worried about his wedding ring! I know they were trying to build up to the “big moment” where he finally takes his ring off and runs back to Helen’s apartment but man, that moment did not sit right with me in my spirit! It still doesn’t and I don’t think my opinion will ever change on this.

With that said, I’ve now done several rewatches of the finale where I specifically watched the scenes after that awful moment by the elevator. As I’ve had time to reflect, my perspective has changed. I no longer view the moments after the elevator scene as tainted but as something deeply profound and beautiful. Hell, even as I reflect on that scene by the elevator, I still don’t like it, but in a way I understand it in how it relates to Max’s overall journey when it comes to Helen. To me, Max Goodwin is a man who fell deeply in love with Helen in the midst of the most complex situations and a season of him suffering. It’s been deep rooted, complicated and messy from the start and over the past three years we’ve seen Max navigate through the complexities of his feelings for Helen and the circumstances he’s found himself in on our screens. I think when you look at season three finale and specifically the journey of Max finally making a choice to be with Helen, you have to put into context Max’s history and how it influenced what that looked like. So y’all that is exactly what I want to do in this meta so let’s dive in.

One thing I think we need to acknowledge is that, even though as an audience we have loved seeing Max and Helen’s journey unfold, the road has been so TOUGH for them. As Helen said in 3x13, it’s been a fight! Especially for Max. The suffering he has endured over the past three years has been unfathomable and much of his relationship with Helen and his feelings for her have been developed under these traumatic and tragic circumstances. 

At the very beginning of the series, when Max and Helen first meet they clash but it doesn’t last for long. It’s his first day at New Amsterdam and as the new Medical Director, he wants her to stay at the hospital and treat patients instead of doing press tours. Helen on the other hand wants to continue doing press and for the most part ignores his demands for her to return to the hospital. When she finally does return, she does so because she learns that Max has cancer. This bonds them at the onset as Helen is the only person in his life that knows about his diagnosis. As an audience, when we first see them interact, we instantly saw the sparks fly between them. Their chemistry and natural witty banter made us immediately take a look at their relationship and what potential they could have in the future. Though we were shocked by his cancer diagnosis, I think the fun and lightheartedness of Sharpwin’s first interactions really masked how traumatic this must have been for Max. On the first day of his dream job, that he sacrificed his marriage for, he learns that he has cancer while having a baby on the way. Those are the awful circumstances that first bring Max and Helen together. 

As Helen becomes Max’s doctor and he swears her to secrecy about his diagnosis, their friendship and bond grows deeper. His passion and drive to help his patients, reignites Sharpe’s love for medicine again and inspires her to put her patients first. They become vulnerable with each other more than anyone else in their lives. He confides in her about his broken marriage and she tells him that she wants a baby. When he almost dies, she becomes his deputy medical director so that he can focus on his care. All of these moments are significant to them because somewhere along the way they develop feelings for each other. They didn’t plan for it and it’s something neither of them are consciously aware of but unknowingly, they both start to fill a place in each other’s lives that was clearly more than a doctor and patient relationship or a friendship. This “place” wasn’t called out until episode 1x16 were the clairvoyant called out their feelings for each other. When episode 1x17 comes around, after a night of revelations and a scramble to get the power back on in the hospital, Helen decides to step back as his doctor. If she wasn’t aware of her feelings before, in this moment, she’s fully aware of them now. This is an effort to safeguard her heart and set boundaries because the lines of who they are to each other were already so blurred. When she “triages” their relationship Max’s reacts badly and honestly they’re both devastated and are on the verge of tears:

As viewers, we loved this moment but when you peel back the layers of what’s actually going on in this scene, it’s gut-wrenching. The subtext is so clear here yet their situation is so complex and layered. We know for a fact that Max wasn’t trying to lose her in ANY CAPACITY. We also know that in the way he TRULY wanted her he couldn’t have her and Helen knew that too. Not when he was married, had a baby on the way, and fighting cancer at the same time. Y’all that’s hard and profoundly painful when you think about it and it makes this scene all the more tragic. 

When Helen steps back as his doctor, at first Max seems to be handling it well but as his cancer starts to get worse, he completely breaks. Like I said earlier, over the course of his cancer treatment, Helen filled a place in Max’s life that was so much more than just his doctor or his friend. So when he’s dying and no longer has the person he feels deeply for play an active role in his treatment, he lashes out. He’s dealing with a range of emotions he can’t handle or properly process. Things only get worse from there and at the end of season one Georgia and Luna’s life are on the line and Bloom and Helen scramble to save them. When it seems like everyone was able to come out of that traumatic event unscathed, they get into a devastating ambulance crash that changes everything. 

Season 2 brings another level of pain and suffering for Max when he loses his wife after the crash and is thrust into single fatherhood. Not only is he grieving but he’s also dealing with guilt of falling in love with Helen while he was married. The complexities of his feelings is something he struggles with throughout this season and it affects his relationship with Helen. At some points he pushes her away and at others he desperately needs her. Once again, Helen and Max’s relationship is caught up in the most complex of circumstances that is riddled with agony and trauma. 

By time we head into season 3, Max doesn’t even have time to breathe or think about his relationship with Helen because they’re both thrust to the frontlines of the pandemic. 

I bring all of this up again to emphasize that there has never been a time where Max and Helen’s relationship hasn’t been wrapped up in trauma or some sort of suffering. It has always been one thing or another with them. It’s been A LOT and Max has tried to navigate being in love with Helen through his suffering and under these crazy ass circumstances. So after rewatching the finale, the questions that run through my mind are:

How do you step into love when all you’ve known for the past three years has been suffering?

How do you love openly and freely when for so long you’ve emotionally suppressed your feelings for someone because it was “wrong?” 

How do you let go, heal, and move on with your life?

To me, answering these questions is what the season finale for Max was all about. When you’ve suffered so much and endured so much it’s not easy to step into a new chapter in your life that’s hopeful and filled with love and possibilities. For Max, I don’t think in his wildest dreams that he ever imagined that he and Helen would be in a place where they could actually be together. Considering everything they’ve gone through, quite frankly it’s a fucking miracle! So when he actually makes it to the other side and not only SURVIVES but has a chance for happiness, I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. Pursuing/having feelings for Helen from a place that isn’t wrapped up in trauma and tragedy, where there are seemingly no obstacles in his way, is totally and completely new territory for Max. I think he’s clueless in how to do that in the right way and as he navigates through that, naturally there are hiccups.

That’s evident with what he said by the elevator and also in this moment here: 

Max doesn’t have a clue but he wants to make sure that he doesn’t fuck it up because he DESPERATELY wants this! I also think there’s something to be said about how we as human beings can self-sabotage ourselves when we finally have an opportunity to get what we want. Fear, guilt, worthiness usually comes into play with that and I think for Max there was definitely a fear with moving on with his life, guilt of surviving it all and having a chance to be with the woman he’s loved for so long, and a question of if he’s worthy of actually having happiness.

Their walk in my mind perfectly embodies him self sabotaging while also trying to navigate his feelings of desperately wanting to be with her. At the beginning of their walk, you see that at one point he clearly wants to hold Helen’s hand but he doesn’t (I would use a gif here y’all but I literally only have room for 10 😩). I’m focusing my attention on Max here because essentially this whole moment between them is a part of Max’s “mini story” in the episode. The ball has always been in his court and truly what we are witnessing is his journey to step into love because Helen is ready and has been waiting on him. 

The most compelling moment in their walk scene for me was this one: 

I find it strange for Max to walk so far ahead when he was the one who asked her if he could walk with her. My first thought while watching it live was “what is he doing” and I think Helen’s expression reads the same way. After analyzing this for a bit, I genuinely think that’s the point of this scene. Like I said earlier, Max doesn’t know what he’s doing. To be with Helen like this is, where its romantic, peaceful and drama free is probably blowing his mind and he doesn't know how to navigate this. He doesn’t know how to receive this second chance at happiness. 

The internal war of Max stepping into love or allowing fear, guilt, and unworthiness to hold him back becomes all the more evident when they get to Helen’s door: 

He knows he wants to come in. Helen know he wants to come in too. This man literally says goodnight twice and when Helen responds with “you said that,” it perfects this scene. She wants him to come in as well but she’s not going to ask him to. In this moment, she sees his internal struggle and she knows that he has to make the choice himself on whether or not he wants to move on with his life with her.

When he walks away, for a moment that was Max choosing to hold onto the pain and trauma of his past. That was him choosing to hold onto the guilt that was keeping him from healing and moving on. With the suffering he’s been through, it makes sense. In many ways he’s been conditioned to fight, to suffer and to endure. It’s what he’s used to. But praise the lord, he thinks of the moments he just shared with Helen. 

The joy he has with just being in her presence. 

The opportunity he has to freely be with her and have a life with her after loving her for so long.

He is not condemned to a life of suffering. It was only for a season. He’s in love with Helen and wants to be with her. Like hell is he going to let this opportunity at a second chance of love and happiness slip away from him. So guys, he slips off that ring, runs back to Helen’s apartment and makes a choice to step into love. Step into this new, uncharted, chapter of his life with Helen Sharpe. 

Anyway guys! I hope y’all enjoyed this! I might be releasing one more meta but we will see how it goes.

As always feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr and on Twitter @oyindaodewale. Love you guys!

[ilikemesometaetaes]

Set Me Free (M)

Min Yoongi Oneshot

•••> Author: @ilikemesometaetaes​

•••> Summary: You are just an ordinary woman with a strange aura about you that Yoongi can’t seem to resist- even past the compulsion of his mentor. The question is: why?

•••> Pairing(s): Yoongi/Reader

•••> Requested by @itsgottabeyoo-ngs​ : “Hi daddy, One shot request with vampire Yoongi x brat reader. Bonus points for adding in choking or spitting idk make it filthy k thanks love you byeeeee xoxoxoxox”

•••> Word Count: 10.95k

•••> Rating: 18+

•••> Tags: smut | vampire!au | Yoongi!AU | Vampire’s Mate | Vampire!Yoongi | Human!Reader | Gifted!Reader

•••> Warnings: smut, oral (female receiving), unprotected sex, murder, attempted murder, slight choking/strangulation, dirty talk, biting, blood drinking, spitting, violence, horror, vampire/human relationship, cursing, mental attachment, thirsty Yoongi, Yoongi thinks he’s scary, but he’s totally not

Copyright © 2020 ilikemesometaetaes. All Rights Reserved.

Thank you for the request, babe! This one is a bit to unpack, as you can see. I hope you enjoy :)

~#~

Yoongi never claimed to have his thirst under complete control.

He stands before his brothers once every week for the feed, snarling as he consumes his share of blood, while the others bear witness so as to provide him ceremonial protection- a vampire is very vulnerable while he consumes blood. The polydipsia made one lose all form of reason and sense of mind, driven to the brink of animalistic insanity when it was in the process of mildly quenching the eternal hunger.

Polydipsia, used to describe his level of thirst, was the word made just for him in his own little world.

It wasn’t normal thirst, like a human, but the savage-like impulse to drink and drown until he could swim in a river of blood and take deep lungfuls of the crimson fluid. The impossible desire to consume and be completely consumed by blood until he became it himself always loomed over his mind in his early days as a Deadblood- a vampire youngling- causing him to search for a word that could completely describe his affliction.

Then the Greeks begun transforming their language, perfecting the word that he could use to chronicle his need. He had mulled over the thought throughout the few centuries that the word came into existence, truly connecting with it on a level that was deprived of him when his soul was taken from his body.

But the word was not only used to describe normal thirst; it described the abnormal desire to drink as a symptom of disease- and a disease is what Min Yoongi had.

From the days he explored the lands of Goryeo as a young teenage boy, he knew that disease racked every inch of the world. Street beggars, riddled with sicknesses and incurable illnesses, asked him for coin, food, clothing, and any necessities that could potentially carry them through the night into another sunrise. But the one thing that they begged for the most was water.

Liquid life. Yoongi thinks back on the ironic turn of events and how, even as a privileged boy of nobles, he understood just how desperate a person got when they were deprived of the one, singular fluid that supported life as he knew it.

As Yoongi approached adulthood, he was promoted and bestowed larger honors in the name of the Min clan, allowing him to provide more for the beggars and lower-class individuals that he came across on the streets every day- not that his father would find out.

Until he did.

Yoongi recalls the moment he knew that his father figured out that his son was spoiling the family riches on the lower class. They weren’t sitting down for dinner and having a conversation nor taking a stroll along the river like the two of them normally would- it was quite surprising, really. Yoongi had to applaud his father for the creativity of the circumstance.

He knew that his father figured out his whereabouts when he found himself bleeding out in the middle of the woods with three arrows, adorned with the Min clan crest carved into the wood, sticking out of his chest. He was sent to look for his supposedly lost little sister under the direction that she was probably at a watering hole- which Yoongi had never heard about- about forty-five minutes from the edge of Goryeo’s walls.

Many people ventured outside of the city to fend for food and necessities, or to find civilization elsewhere, so it wasn’t surprising to him that his curious baby sister wanted to see for herself what life was like outside of the city’s limits.

As Yoongi lay dying on the soil of the earth, staring up at the greenery of the trees above while they lightly swayed in the breeze, he realized that everyone, regardless of social-class or physical health, was fighting the same, universal disease: death. No one could escape it and no one was safe. At least, that’s the epiphany he had in an effort to comfort himself while he felt his heart painfully struggle to beat with an arrowhead lodged into it. Copious amounts of blood spurt out with each pulse of his damaged organ.

And then the universe decided to set him free from death with a cure worse than the disease itself.

Yoongi doesn’t remember who his creator was. He doesn’t remember how long he spent on the forest floor with the arrows still in his chest. He doesn’t remember waking up.

His memory of his new life started from the moment his consciousness returned, in the exact second that he found a set of vocal cords clutched in the palm of his hand, dripping with crimson, after apparently ripping them out of a young boy who was actively collapsing in front of him. The boy, who Yoongi immediately recognized from the streets of Goryeo, was choking on his own gore as he clutched at his now nonexistent throat, staring up at his killer with a jumbled expression that silently begged for help yet withdrew from terror.

It took Yoongi five years of trekking everywhere and no where while attempting to control his thirst before he found new meaning. He mostly had a hold on the scorch in his throat by staying away from the city and surrounding villages before he met another and figured out what he became.

The woman- no, girl?- appeared young yet spoke as if she had seen countless winters, the wisdom of a million middays glowing behind her carmine eyes. She was the first person he had met who did not end up dead within the first two minutes of scenting them on the wind.

“You are a vampire. You survive purely on the life essence of others. You are still a young Deadblood. Judging by your age, you should become a Redblood soon.” She sat with her back to him, overlooking the valley below the then-unnamed Odaesan mountain that they sat perched upon. “Do you know who created you?”

“Created me?” He asked. “What do you mean? My parents?”

She turned, her vibrant red eyes continuing to shock him. Did his own orbs look like this?

“I mean, who turned you?” She seemed to look at him incredulously, shocked by his lack of knowledge. “Who gave you their venom- their shi?”

“I…” Yoongi tried very hard to remember anything before the burning sensation that scraped like rocks against the insides of his bones and flesh, but all he could see and feel was fire and agony- and then blood. He couldn’t help but think with a grain of salt, disbelieving of the method in which he was born into his new life. “I don’t know. I just remember from my first kill.”

“Strange.” The other vampire muttered, returning her gaze to the valley. “Strange, indeed.”

Yoongi was always the silent type, only interacting when he needed to as a habit formed to avoid the questioning glare of his father when he returned home late on certain occasions.

But he couldn’t help the burning desire of curiosity within him, a welcome distraction from the need to feed within him. He had so many questions.

“You may ask your questions, Min Yoongi.” The woman sighed, not even bothering to spare him a glance whilst she spoke. The man was shocked to find that she knew his name without him telling her.

“How do you know my name?” The new revelation took precedent in his mind, hoping that she was not an enemy of his clan.

“A valid question.” She mused. “Anticipated, but valid. I suppose I’ll answer your question to the best of my ability.”

Yoongi shifted his position in preparation, a new habit that he formed in his new life. He learned from the first time he moved to stretch that his body did not need to be stretched as it usually did. He never ached, never cramped, never tired, and never lost energy. Despite the lack of his emotions in their usual form, he knew that it should have been unsettling to find such a new change within him, so he did the sensible thing of pretending that he needed to.

He pretended he needed to breathe- after two hours at the bottom of a lake he stumbled upon in his aimless journey, he was amazed to find that he required no oxygen to continue existing- and that he didn’t need to sleep nor use the bathroom. He would practice taking breaths, trying to inhale and exhale evenly without becoming allured to the pungent yet undeniably attractive scent of animal blood so that he could finally smell the forest again. He pretended to go to sleep and wake up with the urge to relieve himself of the noneixstent pressure in his bladder despite not having any of the instincts he once had.

The woman spoke, answering his first question.

“I can hear your thoughts. They’re not necessarily specific, but I can hear when you are wistful- like you are now- or when you are curious or sad or angry. I can hear the causes of these emotions.” She paused. “It comes with the gift of my second life. A form of protection, if you will.”

“Why would I need protection when I am invincible? I’ve seen the things I can do and what my body can endure.” He briefly recalled repeatedly jumping from a cliff, automatically landing on his feet no matter how hard he tried not to. Before, he had a will to survive with a choice of dying, but now? There was no comprehensible choice. “There is nothing that can hurt me.”

Yoongi couldn’t help cocking his head to the side like a confused dog when the woman let out a breathless laugh.

“Because, young one,” She looked at him with her eyes again, a look of mock endearment filling them. “You are not invincible.”

For a moment, Yoongi did not believe her. He believed that the liquid running through his veins was pure ichor, an essence of the gods, but when he returned her look of sincere truth, he understood that dying was still very much possible.

Thanking the gods, Yoongi looked to the ground and began toying with his fingers at his revelation. He could stop murdering people, willing to die in order to do so.

The woman shook her head. “No, Min Yoongi. You do not have to die to stop killing humans. In fact, it is the reason I have not killed you yet. You are unaware of the possibilities.”

His head perked up at the comment, suddenly eager to learn.

“How? How can I live without killing?” All he could see was the young boy that he had murdered in cold blood; the boy’s warm brown eyes staring up at him as he watched the life drain from them burned into his memory- he didn’t even know the boy’s name. The boy could not have been older than his own sister.

“I never told you that you could continue to live without killing. Of course, you have to kill. But you do not have to kill people.” The woman nodded her head down the mount. “Do you smell that? Do you smell the life that lives throughout this mountain?”

Yoongi attempted to focus on his senses but could only feel the thirst once again tormenting his throat. As soon as the woman shifted his attention back to the aroma of life, he salivated. Of course, he smelled the animal’s scents, but he could also detect traces of human life upwind that completely took away his desire for anything but humans.

“Push the thirst aside to open your senses. Embrace them. Embrace your power and your abilities. Focus on those.”

Again, he tried to push the scorch in his throat to the side, only to find that it was an impossible feat seeing as he had not fed in several months. He wanted human blood so badly.

“Poor child. I did not realize how weak you were.” She let a grimace morph her features, the first true expression of genuine emotion that Yoongi had seen on her. “Come sit in front of me. I will help you.”

For a moment, Yoongi hesitated. Was she going to kill him? He was not sure, but after a few more thoughts to himself, he realized that he had nothing to lose. Following her direction obediently, he moved to sit with his legs crossed in front of the woman.

“Now, close your eyes and listen to my voice.” She raised her hands to his head, placing her fingertips on his temples, and began whispering while he let his eyes flutter closed.

He felt as if he was mentally hit by a charging bear.

The woman’s words echoed in his mind, seating themselves amongst every corner and crevice that they could touch before Yoongi could understand what was happening. Shocked by the feeling of being intruded upon, he tried to push back against the mind-numbing force of her words, uncomfortable and feeling violated by the sensation. Instead of stopping them, her voice just broke down his amateur attempt at a mental barrier and pushed its way further into his brain. He was helpless to her superior mental awareness and gift.

“You will not focus on the thirst. You will focus on your abilities. Focus on the blood of animals and the blood of those already dead.”

And Min Yoongi had no option but to obey for he was forced into a dieted life.

But as he stands, thousands of years later, in the middle of your kitchen whilst watching you silently with the inferno of the blazing sun in his esophagus, he couldn’t help the need that overcame him. He could not obey his mentor; miraculously and horrifyingly, the gift of his mentor did not work with you.

He was impelled by his mentor’s gift, effectively removing most of the bloodlust he had for humans. In his lifetime, after the unavoidable command was bestowed upon him, he had only killed a handful of humans when he was consumed by the thirst after living in self-induced exile for so long. But standing before you, he may have needed to add a finger to that handful depending on what you did next.

Yoongi first clocked you on his radar the moment you walked into the small coffee shop he was occupying for the later part of the morning.

Building a friendship with you was quite easy.

You were bright and warm and everything wonderful upon meeting him. Your smile was just shy of naive, yet he couldn’t help the alien tugs on his heart when watching you giggle.

“How old are you, Yoongi?” You asked while circling the straw in your caramel macchiato.

“Old enough.” He chuckled, looking down with what you perceived as shyness.

“Oh?” You laughed with him. “And how old is enough for you?”

“I could ask you the same question. How old do you think I am?” He met your eyes, once again shocking you with their beautifully vibrant shade of brown.

“Well…” You trailed off, studying his facial features closely- the hint of a permanent smile line, fresh haircut, and no wrinkles alluded that he couldn’t be over thirty. “I’m gonna say… twenty-five?”

The man across from you smiled. “Very close. I’m twenty-seven.”

So he wasn’t that much older than you. You could totally do him.

Yoongi noticed the flash of lust that ghosted through your pupils for a split second, recognizing the dilation of them as you glanced at him. He watched you stick your chest out a bit more, begin fiddling with your hair more often, and part your lips while you let the thoughts of sexual satisfaction run across your mind.

“Twenty-seven, huh? That’s not bad at all.” You smiled, letting your tongue lightly swipe along your bottom lip unconsciously.

Yoongi zeroed in on the action with a piercing gaze, watching as the muscle seemed to move in slow motion tauntingly, daring him to dig his fangs into it savagely before tearing it from your mouth to feel the blood pouring from your lips onto his face. 

His body reacted sensibly, blood rushing like fake adrenaline to awaken his better instincts- rushing everywhere- and making his jeans become uncomfortably tight as they restrained his filling manhood. 

Blood drinking was as exciting as it was satisfying for a vampire. An extremely personal and holy moment, consuming lifeblood was the most raw and sexual moment to experience. A vampire could not experience real sexual desire without it.

He dug his fingers into the faux leather of his side of the booth until they broke through the material to restrain himself from attempting to attack you in the middle of the day.

Quickly, gaining his sense of mind once again, he tore more holes into the leather to round out the punctures so that it could appear as if the holes were from wear and tear.

The scent of your blood transpierced by the hormones and adrenaline beginning to flow through your veins made it just that much more implausibly alluring. Yoongi admitted that you were a beautiful and kind woman from the conversation throughout the morning. He also knew that you had a deviant side due to the surprisingly quick appearance of your lust-filled gaze.

Yet he couldn’t help the urge to murder you on the spot.

He knew that he couldn’t touch you. The supernatural safety of the sun that shone on your body prevented him from laying a finger on your skin without his own lighting aflame. He learned the protection of sun rays on humans the hard way.

His fifth human victim, a monk who travelled the heights of Mount Odaesan- Yoongi’s sanctuary and home- for a religious trial, travelled early in the morning as the sun was rising. Yoongi smelt the sweat dripping from the man’s skin instantly. In the small cove he called home, he tried to resist the urge to kill the man for he hadn’t smelt human blood in several years.

His mentor’s words were ever present. ‘Focus on the blood of animals and the blood of those already dead.’

Despite having those words affecting his instincts, Yoongi had managed to convince himself that the monk was a dead man standing once he smelled remnants of a virus tainting his scent, effectively bypassing the impulsion of the woman’s mind control.

Yoongi found himself rushing at the man without a second thought, fangs bared and fingers curled in preparation to tear the man’s limbs from his body. However, before he could get within two feet of the vulnerable monk, he was thrown back by an invisible and boiling hot force that left him screaming in agony and flying through the air.

The monk quickly ran back down the mountain in terror, yet Yoongi could pay no mind as he lay on the forest floor, ready to die once again as his skin singed and fell from his flesh like swamp sludge.

As his throat tore itself raw from his wails of misery, his body writhed in and out on itself in complete and utter anguish. The smell of burnt flesh overwhelmed his nostrils, pungent and nauseating in every possible way. How he was able to focus on something other than the pain was beyond him.

Despite the burning, Yoongi could feel his aflame skin beginning to heal itself. Clawing through the dirt, he felt the blood stored in his stomach rushing through his veins to the broken and severed ones, rebuilding them and recreating the network of arteries necessary to begin restoring his expanse of skin.

Before long, the pain subsided and Yoongi was no longer screaming. The entire ordeal lasted approximately twenty minutes- long enough that Yoongi no longer heard the footsteps of the monk and long enough for him to process the events that had just happened. 

He was thankful that he became a Redblood with the ability to use consumed blood throughout his body, unsure of what would have happened to him if he had been a Deadblood at the time. Deadbloods burned through consumed blood quicker than a spark from a flint could ignite kindling into a flame.

He definitely needed to ask the woman, Zizi, about it. And he definitely needed to track that monk until sundown so that he could get rid of any loose ends.

Yoongi grimaced slightly, remembering the occurrence like it was yesterday, as he sat across from you.

You were still looking down at your cup in blissful unawareness of his inner turmoil and life that he’s lived thus far. You definitely were not dense enough to not notice his gaze on your skin, but you were definitely ignorant of the fact that he was thinking about what would happen if he could just get you to move a few feet to the right to gain cover from the direct line of the sun. He just needed to get you into the shadows.

“Y/N,” He called your name. You instantly looked up in response. “How old are you?”

“Old enough.” You teased him back with his own words. He let a small smile thin his lips before he looked down to hide it. When you followed his gaze and noticed that he didn’t have a drink, you jumped to the opportunity.

“Can I buy you a drink, Min Yoongi?” You asked him.

“Oh, I’m not particularly craving coffee at the moment.” He paused and held his breath, as if trying to find the words to say. “I just like to sit here sometimes and enjoy watching the street.”

“Well,” Ask him! Ask him out! Yes! Do it! Your head screamed at you to be confident. You knew he was the shy type; you would be waiting all day for him to make a move and you just didn’t have the time nor patience for that. “Let me get you a drink at my bar?”

The man looked mildly impressed for a moment. “You own a bar?”

“A small one.” You swiftly added. “It’s not a big popular one or anything but I didn’t want a place too big. I like the smaller things.”

Yoongi couldn’t help but smile. You were a kind and beautiful woman living a simple life. He dreaded the moment that he was going to have to kill you.

“I take it you’re pretty well off then?” He asks. “And please don’t take this as me digging around. I’m just curious.”

“Don’t worry about it. Yeah, actually.” You laughed and sat back in your chair, looking out the window onto the street as people and cars passed by. “I’ve always been pretty lucky for some reason. The gods always seem to be in my favor and give me what I want.”

Yoongi smirked for a moment. If she wants me, she can have me. Then, I’ll have her.

When Yoongi found himself in the prime position to attack you in your kitchen, several weeks later, he knew. He finally had you where he wanted you.

A handful of dates that he found quite pleasant were all it took. 

You turned out to be just what he thought- a strangely attractive and alluring woman, the scent of your blood aside. You exhumed an odd magnetism about you that Yoongi had never felt from a human. He regretted the decision of waiting so long to kill you seeing as he was considering letting you live. But he knew that he couldn’t do that.

With your back turned to him, busying yourself with dinner, he could easily snap your neck so that you wouldn’t scream and struggle- and you would be dead almost instantly. A quick and nearly painless death was what you deserved. He didn’t want you to suffer at all.

However, just as he crouched in preparation to lunge at you, you spoke.

“Are you ready for dinner, babe?” You asked him.

He smiled devilishly, venom filling his mouth as he salivated. “Yes, I am. I’m starving.”

You chuckled. “Okay.”

“Go and sit down at the table.”

It was the most simple of commands. Telling Yoongi to sit down wasn’t an order. You weren’t demanding him to do it. You never demanded anything of him. It was a mere suggestion in your eyes.

Yet Yoongi felt his body moving to the dinner table without a second thought, unable to resist obeying your words.

What in the everliving fuck.

He sat quickly, impotent to move from his spot while he waited for you to bring the food from the counter. His thirst obliterated his throat, causing it to seize up and restrict any air that he could previously breathe, but he sat in wonder as you seemed to hold power over him that he had never felt before.

You turned with both of your dinner plates in hand and he quickly smothered the panic on his face, wondering what in the world had just happened.

“I’m not at all a chef, but you better eat everything.” Yoongi tested your words, seeing if the inclination to finish your food was present, only to find a slight mental nudge- as he expected. You didn’t tell him to do anything; you merely made an ‘or else’ statement.

No longer desperate to kill you for the time being, Yoongi sat still and waited for your next words. Once you sat the plate in front of him, you uttered a joke.

“Dig in.”

And dig in Yoongi did. He picked up his fork and scooped into the pasta you made without any willingness to deny you.

The pasta wasn’t fantastic in any sort of the word- It was plain, although it could be due to the fact that it wasn’t at all what he truly craved and needed. It was like eating a piece of stale bread while he was offered a perfectly cooked and outright juicy steak on a silver platter. The food that he ate wouldn’t be consumed by his body and used for nutrients; the shi in his stomach would burn it to nothingness within the next few hours.

Uncontrollably, Yoongi shoved mouthful after mouthful into his mouth- he couldn’t stop. Once he finished chewing one bite, his hand was immediately bringing him another, and then another. Despite lacking the need to breathe, Yoongi felt himself suffocating with each bite as the realization that he could do nothing except eat his food settled in his mind.

“I see you were hungry.” You laughed, unaware of his predicament. Yoongi’s eyes shot up to yours and silently hoped you would give him another command so that he could stop the foolishness.

You, however, just sat there feeling sort of proud of yourself- not only for making an edible meal, but for making one Yoongi seemed to enjoy. Even though it was slightly shocking to see him out of his usually cool character, acting like a man suffering from hunger, you couldn’t help but find it undeniably cute.

Eating slowly while watching him, you let your feelings for him come to the surface.

Yoongi was utterly beautiful. His black hair that fell over his face while he was cleaning up the last bits of his plate was just long enough to cover his eyes, yet as he looked at you without reservation, you felt he had a clear line of sight straight into your soul.

His skin was nearly flawless save for the light and narrow scar that cut into his right eye. Others found the scar intimidating and ugly, but you found it rather attractive. Yoongi, with his uncanny physical allure, was undeniably the most beautiful man you had ever seen.

Your body was alight with joy and content. In the few weeks that you got to know him, liking him was incredibly easy and having him in your home, in a domestic setting, lit your heart on fire with the possibility of falling in love with him.

He was incredibly easy to love, you discovered. Everything about him begged you to fall for him. As if the universe created him just for you, Min Yoongi was the epitome of perfection- in your eyes, anyway.

Briefly, you had shown a photo of him to your mother. She became unsettled instantly by his appearance.

“He’s so pale. And a little scary-looking.” She squinted at the photo you took of him when he wasn’t looking. You never brought him up again to your mother, disliking the fact that she didn’t like your potential boyfriend and found him scary.

The picture just happened to be your favorite- being because he didn’t like pictures and it was the only one you had of him.

He kindly asked you to not take photos of him. When you prompted him as to why during one of your more intimate moments at your bar, he only answered playfully as he held you close to him, lips begging for you to kiss them.

“Because I don’t want to leave evidence.” He whispered, breath tickling your nose. His body was warm and sturdy, muscles rippling under your touch as you clung to his shoulders.

“Evidence from what?” You asked breathily. The heat in your panties had increased tenfold over the last few minutes as his eyes grew hungrier with want. Yoongi’s fingers dug into your waist painfully, pulling you so close that you barely had room to expand your lungs to breathe, yet you couldn’t help the edgy feeling of how rough he could be with you.

“From when I eat you up.”

Thinking back on the memory, you shivered involuntarily, hoping that tonight might be the night you actually get to have him. He’d made you wait for a little over a month and you had no idea why. You definitely felt him straining through his pants a few times. But no kisses or anything further than the pressing of your bodies was accomplished.

Yoongi finished his plate and sat upright briskly, pulling you from your wishful thinking with a jump.

“Y/N,” He nearly growled, shocking you. “What else do you want me to do?”

The fork you were holding clattered to your plate instantly. Wow. He’s sizzling hot.

“I-“ You stuttered a bit. “I- uh.”

“Spit it out.” He hissed. You jumped again, trying to find the words to say with the heat growing in your panties.

Quickly, you answered him. “I want you to take me to my bedroom.”

“Thank god.” He groaned, getting up slowly with a smirk on his face. “Is that just a request? Because I can walk out now if you don’t actually want this.”

“Take me to my bedroom, Yoongi.” You stood slowly, carefully, as if you were afraid to trigger him.

Yoongi pushed in his chair and moved towards you at a speed that was almost inhuman. You yelped in astonishment as Yoongi attempted to control himself- he couldn’t bring you to your bedroom at his natural speed or else he would have a very motion-sick human to worry about. Instead, he trembled with the effort to resist your command at full force, knowing that the only way it was possible was due to the fact that he was still, in fact, taking you to your bedroom.

Picking you up was easier than breathing. You weighed absolutely nothing in his arms because of his advanced strength, so when he felt you trying to assist him in carrying you by holding your body stiffly, he huffed out a laugh whilst he walked.

“Relax, woman. You are as light as a feather.”

You blushed under his words, leaning into his chest to hide your cheeks.

“Stop that.” He growled, entering your bedroom. You looked up at him and he couldn’t tear his eyes from the blood that rushed to your cheeks. “I can’t resist if you do that.”

“Then don’t.” You whispered. Your heart pounded in your chest, begging him to hear it. “Don’t resist.”

His fangs came forth immediately, for he could not resist your command while he flew to your bed to throw you down. Despite your unknowing of what you were telling him to do, he fostered no opposition to what he was about to do.

The roughness of his throw startled you for a moment as you looked up at his vastly approaching figure, only to grow terrified when you caught sight of his face.

The veins protruding out of his temples and cheeks pumped blood straight into the whites of his eyes, turning them completely bloodshot, as they framed the now-crimson irises. Long incisors protruded from his mouth as he opened it with a hiss, revealing the way his human teeth shifted apart to allow his inhuman ones to break through the gums. Instantly, you parted your lips to scream.

Yoongi was upon you instantly, hand covering your mouth and silencing your cry while he snarled menacingly, yet he couldn’t help but feel remorse for killing you.

“I’m sorry.” He whimpered through his animalistic demeanor. “I can’t stop.”

You were screaming below his hand and, instantaneously, he had an idea.

He was leaning forward slowly, able to slow himself in the process of not resisting you. “Y/N,” He strained, changing the frequency of his talent, and waited for you to silence yourself in order to listen to him. He took his hand off of your mouth slowly after he heard your heart calm itself past your weeping. “Tell me to stop.”

“Stop!” You sobbed whilst clawing at his chest and kicking at his legs. “Don’t kill me!”

Not a second passed before Yoongi flew off of you, throwing his back to your wall with a loud thud while he cursed lowly.

You scrambled to the headboard of your bed, pressing your back against it in an attempt to gain some distance between the two of you. Your eyes were wide, chest heaving with your breath short, as you looked at the man in front of you.

“I-“ Yoongi stuttered for the first time in decades. “I’m sorry.”

“Your eyes!” Your burst out. You were unable to contain your fear and shock, so you displaced it into your curiosity. “Y-your- Your face! Your teeth!”

Yoongi stood against the wall, breathing just as hard as you, with his eyes cast to the floor in the process of trying to control his facial features. He could no longer kill you. The thought revolted him- every time he considered drinking your blood, the idea was banished from his mind with a sense of nausea following. Good god. She is unaware of her ability yet I am completely at her mercy.

“I apologize. I couldn’t help myself.” He breathed. What Yoongi forgot to take into account was the fact that he began implementing the gift of his second life on you the moment he stepped foot through your threshold, so your mind was completely scrambled by this point.

It was nighttime now; he could not leave your house no matter how hard he tried. He knew of the fallacy that vampires needed to be invited in and he found himself giggling from time to time at how close humans got to the actual lore of his kind.

He could enter your house, uninvited, during the day. He could lurk every corner of your abode without a bother, yet when night fell and the sun finally set, he would be stuck inside until morning. He knew he would be staying the night in your house the moment he agreed to have dinner with you. If he attempted to enter through your door during the night, however, he would have no luck- the night’s protection would convince his brain to walk away from your home without any further reconsideration until he was a good distance from it.

He was in the first position now.

He wished that he could leave you and disappear from your life without a trace so that you could live a peaceful and happy life without him, but he was afraid that it was impossible now with sundown a mere two hours prior. Your powers were no match for the natural protection of the earth. The both of you had a long night ahead of yourselves.

So he used his ability. Yoongi gave you control- rational thought, rather. His gift allowed him to grant organization of the mind and precise focus to others, but he could also take it away.

Upon entering your home, he began the process of slowly but surely ebbing away your barriers and logical thought- he couldn’t do it too fast or else you would panic like you were now. With a presently impossible-to-kill human whose heart was beating out of her chest and a command to not kill you forcing him into submission, he was obligated to prevent you from having a heart attack that was caused by him.

With laser-like focus, he channeled his gift straight into your open mind. Yoongi rebuilt the walls he had previously broken down over the past few hours, restocked your jumbled thoughts into their proper spaces, and flowed his energy through each corridor of judicious conception so that you could continue to develop your focus into that of supernatural proportion. He hoped that you, with a new mind, would tell him to get away from you and to kill himself. Dying by the hands of such a robust ability wouldn’t be too bad of a way to go.

You, however, never had such a decisive mind. Your mind was never clearer and you had never felt such clarity in your thoughts before. It allowed you to feel the magnetism that he radiated.

You knew he was a vampire. You don’t remember how you knew or how you recognized it, but you knew that he was not the first of his kind you had come across. Maybe it was the obvious fangs that gave it away.

“Yoongi,” You whispered. “You’re a vampire.”

His eyes, now back to their normal gorgeously coffee-bean shade, flicked up to yours in surprise.

“You know what I am?” He spluttered, flabbergasted. “You don’t think I’m a demon? Or the devil?”

“I’m not stupid. I know a vampire when I see one.” Your tone did not waver nor shake despite being a potential victim to a vampire. Was it the adrenaline?

“Then you know that I am a danger to you.” He said lowly, shock still evident on his face, while he began gravitating towards your bedroom door to leave.

“No. Stay.” You found yourself pining for his presence while he froze up in his spot. You eyed the action analytically. “If you were a danger to me, I wouldn’t be alive right now. You had plenty opportunity to kill me.”

“That’s the thing,” His hands pressed to the wall and scratched into it with the effort to move further from you. “I don’t have much of a choice anymore.”

“And why is that?” You relaxed your body and slowly slid your way across the bed towards him.

“Because I can’t.” Yoongi actually gasped for air as you stood from your bed to slowly approach him. “Y/N. Don’t come near me.”

“Why don’t you have a choice?” You ignored his warning, fully aware of the risk you were taking yet uncaring of the consequences. You were too focused on the fact that you actually wanted him.

Yoongi could not move from his spot, a side effect of your command to stay, but he refused to meet your eyes. The irresistible scent of your blood clashing with the order to not kill you fucked with his mind in ways he never experienced, creating an excruciatingly splitting headache between his temples. He wanted to drink from you so bad yet he could not move a single muscle.

“You can tell me to do anything. You can tell me to stay away from you. You can tell me to leave you alone. Hell, you can tell me to kill myself and I’d do it.” He ground out, attempting to press his back further into the wall as he felt your body heat against his skin. You came too close. He could smell your hormones lacing through your blood, triggering a wash of his shi over his dry tongue and a yearning to tear you apart overriding his senses.

He wanted to sink his fangs into your flesh so badly that he was beginning to scare himself. Allowing his venom to seep into your system would undoubtedly send you into ecstasy; you would only feel a pinch of pain as his saliva instantly burned through your nerves and set them alight. He could kill you while you were in pleasure; you wouldn’t feel anything but bliss as he drained the life from you.

“And why do you, a powerful creature such as yourself, allow me to have this power over you?” You asked. Was he in love with you? You definitely could love the man with how much you felt drawn to him but, for crying out loud, it had only been a few weeks.

“I don’t allow it. You are a gifted human. You possess this power over me.” Although Yoongi enjoyed having a calm conversation with you, he couldn’t help but feel bad that he used his gift on you. It was almost an unfair playing card- a “get-out-of-jail” card.

Because you should be running, terrified and screaming, even with his ability active in your mind. Maybe he had used it too much? Yoongi recalled the one time he went overboard with his gift, driving a man to suicide as he focused too much on the meaning of life and the regretful things he had done. Immediately concerned, Yoongi reached out a mental tether- a rare talent amongst his kind- to gauge your stability.

What he found, instead, was a dark and curling line attaching to his, pulling it in as quickly as Yoongi offered it. Before he could reel back away from it, it was fully intertwined and pulling his line to attach to you, only to rear back and completely obliterate his senses when it entered his head.

No. No no no. It’s impossible.

Yoongi was moving forward and caging you against the bed at full speed before he could stop himself, nestling his body between your eagerly opening legs as a hiss escaped his lips. Immediately, he realized that he broke through your command unwavered. The thirst came back at full force when you moaned from the friction on your heat.

“You’re-“ He tested the sensation of true, sexual arousal with a slow grind of himself into you, gasping with a jerk of his dick when his action squeezed his member between his body and yours. “You’re my-“

You moaned again, sitting up slightly to try and capture his lips with your own, unable to control the desire that surmounted in your heart. When he resumed his look of shock, backing away from your advance so that he could look at where your bodies touched, you spoke through the heady emotion. “I’m your what?”

“It can’t be.” He whispered. After a single beat, he leaned down and pressed his lips to yours with a crushing pressure that split your lip instantly.

The pain seared across your bottom lip and distracted you for a moment, emitting a groan deep in your throat that he matched when the taste of your blood exploded onto his tastebuds. Instead of swallowing it like he wanted to, he brought a hand to your chin and opened your lips to spit your blood, along with his venom, back into your mouth so that it would take your pain away.

For a moment, you held the mix of liquids on your tongue, unsure of what to do as no one had ever spit in your mouth before. You looked up to him with confusion extremely evident in your arched brows.

“Swallow it.” He growled.

The taste of iron and an almost sugary sweet tang of saliva was too strong for you to keep sitting on your tongue, so you did as he told you to before he kissed you again to repeat the same action. Slowly, you got into the rhythm of swallowing what he gave you.

Before long, he simply gave you his tongue, allowing you to suck the saliva from his mouth greedily. You didn’t understand why, but the taste was addicting and adding to the pulsing feeling that radiated between your legs. Were you getting lightheaded? No. This sensation was much more blissful and exciting.

He pulled away after sucking on your wounded lip once more, spitting the mixture into your awaiting mouth for a final time before sitting up to look down at your body.

His venom was already taking effect. He could smell it on your skin as it flowed through your veins and filled your system just like a virus would. It would be simple to turn you at this point. You would be his for eternity, bonded to him in ways only the Fated One of a vampire would. Yoongi shook the thought from his head as he wasn’t even sure that you were, indeed, his.

“What am I to you?” You asked genuinely, swollen lip slightly obstructing your speech.

“Don’t worry about that right now, Y/N. Right now, I am going to fuck you, okay?” He met your gaze with his dark eyes filled with confidence, knowing that you would be unable to deny him if his belief was true.

“Yes. Yes, please Yoongi.” You breathed, begging him almost drunkenly. “Please. I’m yours.”

His mind was nudged forward by a different force this time, warranting unknown instincts to play into action.

He felt his center of gravity shift. His skin grew tight and uncomfortable around his body from the emotion that wished to burst through the surface. He breathed with you. Perfectly aligned were your rhythms; his heart soared alongside your own galloping one, desperate to match you in every aspect. The sensations in his body were difficult to ignore as he felt the ancient and sacred pull of a bond lacing itself through his limbs.

Instead of pondering over the reality of it any further, he slid his hand from your chin to your shirt and pinched the fabric between his fingers. You nodded in reassurance.

Your clothes tore form your body like paper. Wrapping his fingers around your arm to keep your body in place, Yoongi ripped your thin blouse from you easily. Your breasts, made plump by the bra you wore, caught his attention the moment they were revealed. Perfect.

Instead of looking like a moron seeing exquisite breasts for the first time, he moved his hand to your dress pants so that he could rid your body of them. In under ten seconds, Yoongi had you almost bare below him. Perfect.

Not even realizing it until you brought your thumb to his lips to swipe his shi from the corner of his mouth, Yoongi shook his head at the fact that the sight of you wriggling and bare-skinned beneath him made him literally drool, but his instincts went haywire when he watched you place your thumb in your mouth to suck his venom off yourself with a low moan of appreciation at the taste.

Yoongi’s hands couldn’t move faster as he tore the clothes from his body, stripping himself bare to reveal himself to you. He wanted to give you everything. To open his mind and spread everything out for you to see- he hoped you could handle it.

You, on the other hand, were laying below him with the desperate need to have him inside you.

You wanted him everywhere. You wanted him to sink himself into you- it seemed to be the only fathomable option. You wanted him to hold you and kiss you and surround you with everything him.

As you stared up at him with a needy look in your eyes, you couldn’t help but want him in every facet possible.

You saw yourself making love to him, holding him, kissing him- loving him. The new sensation brought on you by the psychic connection- that was all you could call it when you felt the mental attachment- brung passionate emotions through your body in an onslaught that you could barely handle. It was too much to deal with without him inside you to be with you through it yet you didn’t know if you could handle what would follow.

Yoongi could smell you through your panties; a delicious scent of the most raw tease he had ever allowed himself to indulge in. Unable to help himself, he moved down your body quickly, throwing your legs open- rather roughly- to give himself room to press his nose straight into your heat. Your aroma filled his nose as he expanded his lungs, triggering his natural instincts to push out his fangs and load his vision with blood to enhance it despite his eyes being closed. Fuck, he wanted to consume you.

You keened at the contact, closing your thighs around his head to trap him there. You felt his groan vibrate on you, driving you closer to the brink of insanity.

Without any further time wasted, he grabbed onto your panties and ripped them from you to expose your pulsating pussy to his mouth without moving his nose away from your intoxicating scent. Not a beat passed before he dug his tongue into you to scoop up your DNA-laced juices. Fuck.

Yoongi lost himself in you immediately. You whined out a small cry, unable to keep yourself from grabbing onto his hair and yanking when all you felt were his lips and tongue laving over your opening relentlessly. There was no skill nor technique in his movements; he was simply devouring you without a mind to pay attention to your bundle, yet you couldn’t stop the sensitivity from boggling your mind and driving you to an instant orgasm.

His hands squeezed your thighs around his head and, for a brief moment, he opened his eyes to look at you. The color of his eyes staring back at you was unexpected- a solid, snow white color filled his orbs and contrasted starkly with the red hue of his engorged veins and bloodshot scleras.

“Yoongi,” You whimpered from another swipe of his tongue and suck from his lips. “Y-Your eyes.”

He pulled away from you instantly at the comment, eyes widening and wet mouth hanging agape, while you let out a groan of relief- or sadness- at the lack of attention to your incredibly sensitive core.

“What color are they?” He asked.

“White.” You struggled to speak, voice cracking under the post-orgasm glow.

He took a moment to look down at your heaving body and messy pussy, jerking forward slightly at the sight of your delicious juice smeared all over your thighs. Once he had a handle on his thirst again, Yoongi met your eyes as the white faded from his irises. “Then you are her.”

“I’m who?” You reached for him, needing to hold him anywhere you could get your hands on. Yoongi caught this action immediately, the same desire to grasp you evident in his hand rushing to meet yours. It was natural to intertwine your fingers while he leaned over you to press his lips to yours in a short, uncharacteristically loving kiss.

“You are my Fated One- my mate. You hold my soul in the palm of your hand, as I do yours.” He murmured, feathering his lips over yours as he spoke.

Under normal circumstances, you don’t think you’d be able to comprehend his words with your current position with him. You were exposed to him and he was exposed to you, making you feel vulnerable and turned on beyond belief. Yoongi was reaching behind you to unclasp your bra while you took in what he had said. His thumb was brushing over your bare nipple before your bra even hit the floor.

“So-” You had to clear your throat again. “So you’re mine? Like, completely?”

He chuckled warmly at your question and you couldn’t stop yourself from reciprocating the smile.

“Yes, Y/N, I am yours.” He brought his hand down to grip your thigh and move it to the side. “I belong to you.”

Yoongi placed his dick against your folds and you watched him so do. You felt his tip capture onto your clit several times as he lathered it with your arousal languidly, preparing himself so that he could slide into you easier. “However,”

“However?” You looked up at him with a questioning look accentuated by your eyebrows.

“You are also mine.” Yoongi stopped his movement so that the head of his cock finally caught onto your opening, kickstarting your heart into a pace that you were afraid would kill you. “Do you understand that?”

He didn’t wait for you to answer.

Torturously, he began to push inside you. You widened your legs to accompany his approaching hips. As you warbled out a cry when he decided to drop his control and fill you completely in the next second, Yoongi began speaking again.

“Do you understand that everything about you,” He reared back and pushed inside you again, forcing your legs open to take him while he did so. “-is mine?”

You couldn’t respond. Your emotions were running rampant with your mind overflowing from too much stimuli while he fucked you. He spoke again without your reply and you could only pull him closer to you and take the feeling of his cock caressing your insides.

“Your lips,” Thrust. “your eyes,” Thrust. “your hair, your hands, your skin;” He punctuated each part of your body with a ram of his dick into you. “Everything, Y/N.”

Yoongi took a moment to look down at your joining bodies, smirking softly at the sight of how easily he slid inside. “-Especially this greedy little cunt of yours.”

You watched his smirk drop while he bit his lip and ground himself into you, lips parting again with a low moan whilst keeping his gaze transfixed on the sinful sight. You watched him in awe as his cock plunged so deep that it felt like it was in your throat.

He snapped his eyes to yours quickly, repeating his prior question. “Do you understand?”

Expecting to be interrupted by a thrust, you sucked your bottom lip in your mouth and braced yourself, only to be grabbed by the neck while he leaned down to bring you face-to-face. You could no longer breathe as he pulled his lips back to reveal his fangs. “I asked you if you understood, Y/N.”

With your airway restricted, you could only nod with your lip still stuck between your teeth. Did you taste blood? Promptly, you remembered that Yoongi busted your lip, yet you were confused as to why you hadn’t felt the pain of it since he first kissed you.

“And are you okay with that?” Yoongi began to nose his way down your neck once he turned your head to the side and slowed the rhythm of his hips. Right before you could answer, he released your neck to look at your face, allowing a large rush of air to enter your lungs just as you were attempting to give him an answer.

“Yes!” You released your lip to scream out at the welcome sensation of oxygen and the feel of his dick pushing it right back out of you. “I’m yours! Everything is yours!”

“Good, my love. Good.” He whispered, smiling down at you. His smile was wiped clean off his face in a heartbeat, his thrusts into you completely ceased, as he zeroed in on your lips. You licked them subconsciously, immediately tasting blood and internally cringing at the flavor of iron coating your tongue.

Yoongi attached his lips around your bottom one quickly and you felt him suck it into his mouth. Your walls squeezed tightly around his at the sensation of his tongue swiping over the spli in your engorged lip again and again. You knew that your lip would be swollen yet you couldn’t find yourself to care because it, surprisingly, didn’t hurt at all. The small bits of Yoongi’s saliva that slipped into your mouth were enough to keep you on edge, tasting like raw sugar at that point.

He began moving inside you again, starting a slow and steady pace. You whimpered into his mouth as he began taking his fill of your blood and you mirrored his thirst with the need to taste his mouth again. Your lips pressed closer to his in order to, hopefully, get a bit more of his spit.

You felt your orgasm building laggardly. It was creeping in at a speed that you were able to prepare yourself for your ascent towards ecstasy. You tightened your legs around his waist and dug your heels into the globes of his ass, pulling him in.

It wasn’t until you were bordering on your climax that Yoongi pulled away from your lip with your pop and sat up to focus on fucking you, his peace of mind obviously waning.

You saw it in his face; you saw the way he couldn’t control his veins from darkening his face; you saw the way his eyes burned white and the way he was attempting to hold himself back from attacking you.

So you did him a favor.

“Yoongi.” You mumbled past your swollen lip. “Bite me.”

Min Yoongi had no option but to obey your command.

He surged forward, pressing himself against your clit deliciously and bottoming out as he lunged for your neck with his fangs fully protruded and a warbled hiss scratching its way out of his throat. With barely enough time to prepare, you bared your neck to him once more and clutched onto his arms for dear life, hoping it wouldn’t hurt too bad.

What you weren’t expecting was for it to feel unreservedly good.

The sensation took you by surprise, warranting a loud moan to escape from your lips before you could stop it. Why did his fangs feel so good in your flesh? It should definitely be hurting. But all you could do was moan and whine like a madwoman as you felt his lips close over the puncture wounds and begin to drink your blood straight from your flesh. His tongue continuously swiped over the teeth marks in your neck, keeping them clear from your body’s natural ability to scar itself and begin blocking the escaping blood. Every lick he delivered sent a pulse straight to your clit and an automatic instinct to tighten yourself around him.

Your pussy quivered around him uncontrollably. You were so close to cumming that you could practically taste the release on your tongue. In the few moments that Yoongi took his sips from your body, his slow propulsions forward into you had become more rough and insistent- as if he was trying to split you in two. Even as you felt your life essence leave your body, you were being filled time and time again by his cock at a deep and passionate rhythm.

At the first sign of getting lightheaded from blood loss, you came- hard.

Your juices squirted around him every time he reared himself back and your eyes rolled to the back of your head while you craned your neck back into your very-bloody pillow. With no where to go, unable to still him with his supernatural strength, you were only able scream out his name.

His speed increased through your orgasm and your sweet exclamations of pure bliss drove Yoongi into a lunatic, freeing himself of control and using his uncanny speed to fuck into you. Your extremely drenched pussy, still convulsing around him was battered and raw, yet he could not find it in himself to care as he desperately surged into you over and over again so that he could fill you with the cum of several centuries. Picturing the image of your cunt spewing his release from it had him closing his jaws and pulling on your wounds harder to get more blood from you.

He knew that he couldn’t drain you. Hearing the pulse of your heart weaken slightly was enough to make him detach his teeth and lick over your wound so that his shi could assist it in healing- it would be completely sealed and unblemished in the next few hours. Instead of worrying too much about your neck, he reared back to look down at you again while he grabbed onto your hips with fervor.

You saw the drops of blood running down from Yoongi’s mouth and chin drip onto your breasts and stomach, creating an erotic and utterly unwholesome image of carnage and horror on your body, but you were unable to help yourself in feeling unsettlingly drawn to the wicked image. With a new flash of desire exploding through your body and reawakening your lust, you reached up and grabbed his neck, pulling him back down to trap him in your embrace.

The oversensitivity of your last orgasm was enough to send you hurtling to the edge of another orgasm- You just needed his fangs in you one more time. Silently begging for it, you kept your grip on his nape and softly nudged him back in the direction of your neck.

Yoongi was close. You could tell. But even past his stupor, he spoke.

“Y/N. I can’t. I took too much.” He almost whined with need, struggling to form words past his fangs.

“Just-“ Your body jolted wildly as he desperately tried to cum. “Just do it!”

Yoongi was able to deny your command, which he figured was due to not being a specific one, yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave it unanswered as his body built in preparation to release.

“I fucking can’t!” He was close to roaring at this point, gums aching to meet your flesh as he pressed his fangs into you and filled you with his essence. He wanted to so badly.

“Drink from me, dammit!” Your eyes were welling with tears of frustration, needing that small push from him to make you orgasm again- his dick hammering your cervix was too much to handle without that small bit of pain to ground you. And without hesitation nor the choice to deny you, he did.

Your orgasms were perfectly in sync as he placed his fangs back into your wounds, delicious blood spilling across his tongue once again. Liquid life. It was the perfect few words for how you tasted.

Your pussy ached with the force of how tight you squeezed around him and Yoongi groaned lowly against your neck as he pressed himself so tightly to you that you knew his hands would be leaving bruises on your hips and ass.

“Yoongi.” You sobbed as his cum filled you, pulsing spurt after warm spurt of the hot liquid onto your abused cervix. The thought of him taking your blood while he gave you his cum was too sinful for you to bear, an outburst of emotion causing you to chant his name over and over again. Never before in your life had you felt so complete and free.

You could feel your blood levels draining as you slowly came down from your climax, knowing that you would not be awake for much longer if he kept drinking.

“That’s enough.” You whispered tiredly, head becoming truly lightheaded. Yoongi, unable to rescind his teeth from your neck, kept drinking from you as the thirst and aggression of the first mating actuated his movements. “Yoongi.”

He tried to pull away- he really did- but the feeling of your blood coating his tastebuds was like finding a quarry in the middle of the Sahara Desert. He lacked the true thirst for humans for thousands of years- and now he was suffering the polydipsia for blood all over again.

“Yoongi, stop.” You commanded, testing your supposed ‘power.’

Yoongi ceased to drink from you yet his fangs were still embedded in your skin, vibrating with pleasure and need. As he stopped, he couldn’t help but whine and then growl savagely with want. The vibration of of his throaty sound in your flesh did things to your body. Unable to resist the temptation, your body clenched involuntarily around his softening cock.

Yoongi groaned again, retracting his fangs and face from your neck, and sat up once more to look at your body. With a slow hand, he stuck out his index and middle finger to smear the droplets of blood on your stomach in small circles aimlessly, picturing you as a canvas made just for him to ruin. “You’re quite the minx, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?” You giggled deliriously, needing sleep as soon as possible.

“I mean,” Yoongi reached down to smear a droplet of blood across your hip before digging his thumb and fingers into the bone and the flesh of your ass harshly. “Your cunt is playing games with me right now.”

“How so?” You tilted your head to the side in mock confusion.

The vampire pressed his lips into a thin line and sighed almost disdainfully. You gasped as you felt his dick jerk within you, filling to stiffness once more and awakening a new cloud of lust despite the exhaustion you felt. “Well, if you want to play clueless, you can play clueless. We have eternity to teach you how to not play games with me, my mate.”

For eternity? You kind of liked the sound of that.

~#~

If you’d like to read more of my work, feel free to check out my Series Masterlist! If you’d like to read my first fic, check out the DHYB Masterlist!

[shihalyfie]

The differences between Takato and Haru

(This meta was requested by @digitalgate02​, who also assisted me with a large portion of it. Thank you for your help!)

Takato and Haru often beg a lot of comparisons because of the fact they go so against the usual “brash hero” archetype common to not only Digimon but also shounen franchises in general, being significantly more mild-mannered (on a language level, they’re also the only Digimon protagonists to date who use the more polite boku first-person pronoun instead of the more assertive ore). Haru himself even points out in Appmon’s very first episode that this kind of personality would normally be more suited towards a side character than a protagonist!

Because of that, Haru is often considered to be a spiritual rehashing of Takato, and many have tried to make close parallels between the two, but while the desire to make comparison is naturally understandable, the truth is that beyond surface temperament, the two characters actually have very little in common. In fact, both Tamers and Appmon take rather different approaches to their definitions of a “conventional hero”, and that results in both Takato and Haru having very different roles in the plot.

In many cases, the role of a protagonist in a narrative has a deep relationship with what kind of narrative it is in the first place, and especially what kinds of themes it wants to present. For instance, in the case of 02, you could argue that the story is more “about” Ken than it is about Daisuke, since both major arcs in the story are about his fall and reformation, but when you consider the major themes present in 02′s narrative about purpose in life and pragmatism, Daisuke’s way of life and overall attitude are vital elements in relation to them, and it’s why he ends up being the “protagonist” (or, more accurately, the character at the forefront of the story) despite Ken’s heavier connection to it.

Tamers and Appmon have a number of similarities in storytelling, mainly that they’re both “hard sci-fi” stories in comparison to other entries that have stronger fantasy elements, and do have a certain amount of crossover in terms of dealing with AI-related topics. However, the actual “nature” of each work ultimately turns out to be different, and thus impacts how each of their protagonists is presented.

I heavily dislike calling Tamers a “deconstruction” of the monster collecting genre or of Digimon Adventure, mainly because of how much that term has been exploited to stereotype works in a genre as being things they’re not, or less nuanced than they actually are (as one Twitter user aptly put it: “a deconstruction is when I like something in a genre I disrespect”). I absolutely do not care for the idea of claiming that Adventure or 02 were somehow less nuanced or “deep” than Tamers just because they were more idealistic or more subtle about it, because they sure as hell had a lot of deeper things hidden between the lines if you bother to look out for them, and I also don’t like the implication that Tamers exists to criticize Adventure for supposedly being too naive. It is true, however, that Tamers re-examines a lot of Adventure (and 02)’s concepts in a different context; while Tamers isn’t as strong of a theme narrative, and it’s much more difficult to say there's an overarching message that encompass most or all of the series as much, it does indulge in a lot of thought experiments and smaller subplots that wouldn’t be possible in Adventure, and Takato thus has an important position in facilitating those kinds of thought experiments. The overall franchise metaphors of “growing” (evolving) alongside your Digimon (or, at least, something different from you) and the symbolism associated with it are still more than present, so the Tamers way of showcasing it is in mainly presenting the question of how that kind of goal would even be achievable in the first place when things aren’t as clear-cut.

In particular, Takato serves to address how someone who doesn’t fulfill the typical protagonist mold would cope with situations that somewhat resemble those in Adventure, what would happen when a Digimon partner is fundamentally different from oneself, and how one would still be able to grow alongside such an existence. Thus, his own character arc is more relevant to his own personal growth in accordance with interacting with Guilmon and what he gets out of his journey. This is especially because one thing particularly unique to Tamers is how it portrays Digimon as significantly more feral and different in mentality to humans, which means that he had a much higher personal hurdle to begin with, and thus his personal story and what he gets out of it becomes of significantly more importance.

Appmon, on the other hand, very much is an overarching theme narrative and isn’t exactly subtle about it, with one of its biggest questions being about what’s important in a world that’s getting increasingly controlled and regulated by modern technology that’s getting more and more intelligent. Haru is thus the embodiment of Appmon’s answer to that question: “to choose to be kind” -- and the less-than-subtle invocation of the word “protagonist” ends up having a very different meaning invoked in its final episode.

At the very least, on top of both being rather unconventional protagonists, both Tamers and Appmon do start with Takato and Haru both expressing a desire to be more like one who could go on some kind of adventure (Takato’s version isn’t as verbal, but his way of enthusiastically putting on goggles as proof that he’s a Tamer in Tamers episode 2 carries heavy implications of wanting to emulate the heroes he saw on TV).

However, this is where we get our first difference: Takato proudly claims his newfound status as the series protagonist, whereas Haru is unsure and self-conscious about it -- Haru himself is the one who initially considers himself not cut out for the role despite Yuujin personally believing he does and Gatchmon trying to urge him into it. And, in fact, this is actually the difference that kicks off where their paths entirely diverge.

Takato is often said to be unconventional for a protagonist, but when you really think about it, it’s not like Taichi or Daisuke were exactly models of typical protagonist tropes; while you could call them “hot-blooded”, in the end, Taichi’s standout traits have more to do with natural charisma and sometimes even being too chill, and Daisuke, for all he seems assertive, is actually extremely deferential. So why is Takato still such a standout in comparison?

Well, when you look at the detailed profiles of all twelve of the main Adventure and 02 cast, you might notice something: all of them are naturally selfless people who put others before themselves without a second thought. On the other hand, when you look at Takato, you might realize that this is very much not the case, especially during the early parts of the series. As much as Takato is a “soft” person, he’s not necessarily very “kind” or “nice”, especially during the early parts of the series; he can get possessive or clingy, petty, or even a little arrogant (Tamers episode 11 basically has him go on a mini-power trip based on his card combo having worked so well in the prior episode, which ends up becoming part of his isolation from Hirokazu and Kenta in the following one). Moreover, Takato loses his emotional composure and becomes a crying mess as early as Tamers episode 2, and while it’s not like other characters in Adventure and 02 hadn’t been prone to emotional outbursts, combine it with the above facts and you get the take-home that Takato isn’t “soft” out of an active choice to be so as much as he’s just really, really lacking in emotional mettle to begin with.

To be fair to him, Takato has to deal with quite a bit more stress during the early parts of Tamers than Haru has to during the equivalent parts; having to deal with a Digimon partner that’s outright feral at times and doesn’t have a fully intelligent understanding of how to communicate is a pretty rough thing to start off with. That said, Takato is fairly cowardly even in situations that don’t necessarily have to do with this, it’s just that this makes it worse -- but it means a lot that Takato himself is willing to put in that much effort in bonding with Guilmon despite being initially intimidated by what he’d just created, and that perhaps is what’s the beginnings of how he continues to develop that strength of heart for the rest of the series (and also extends to how he’s the one who connects with Grani).

This is in contrast to how Haru is described by Yuujin at the end of Appmon episode 1, in which Yuujin states that Haru is already cut out to be a protagonist because he’s a kind person -- in other words, Takato is someone who is not cut out to be a protagonist of any kind of adventure at the start of Tamers, even though he thinks he now gets the luxury of being one due to the circumstances he’s thrust into, whereas Haru is already someone with the potential to be one even at the start of the series, but initially lacks the self-confidence to consider himself able to be so. Thus, Takato’s character arc involves having to actually grow into someone worthy of the position, whereas Haru’s involves coming to terms with the aspects of himself he already has but doesn’t quite understand yet.

One very important thing to reiterate is that “unconventional” does not necessarily mean “better” by default, and, on the flip side, just because Takato isn’t as virtuous of a person at the beginning doesn’t mean he’s a worse character (after all, these kinds of things are what makes one interesting). Rather, it’s more important to consider why these characters are this way based on the context of the narratives they’re in.

In the case of the Adventure/02 kids, getting twelve naturally kind kids wasn’t exactly accident, nor was Haru and the other Appli Drivers also being that way; said kids have a bit of selection bias in that they were deliberately chosen by various entities (”the one who wishes for stability” and the Agents, the Holy Beasts, or Minerva) knowing that a massive world- or humanity-threatening crisis was on the horizon and quite understandably picking kids who had the greatest potential for the kindness that shouldering the world’s burdens would take (in Adventure and 02 this manifested in having the kids resonate with Crests and Digimentals that represented virtues, and in Appmon this involved Minerva actively testing them). After all, it’s only natural that anyone with the chance to recruit people to help with a monumental task would ideally go out of their way to pick people who seem best suited for the job, whether it’s something as grand as fantasy chosen hero picking or something as simple as job recruitment. But at the beginning of Tamers, none of the involved parties were really aware of any kind of grand, looming threats on the horizon, and whatever the DigiGnomes were thinking (or not thinking) when giving Takato his D-Ark is arcane to us all, and so Takato ended up becoming a Tamer by functional accident, resulting him starting off very poorly equipped for the job and having to learn how to do it on the fly.

This also means that the “motives” Takato and Haru have for taking action at the beginning of the series are accordingly different. Because any concept of “stakes” was not immediately apparent at the start of Tamers, Takato’s motivations for being a Tamer are more self-centered and selfish than Haru’s are for being an Appli Driver at the start of their respective series.

Takato’s motives at the beginning of Tamers really just revolve around “I want to be able to play with Guilmon more and not lose him,” and there’s no indication at said beginning that he’s really prepared for or even understands the part about having to protect others from harm. That doesn’t mean that Takato’s a selfish person to the extent of not caring about others at all -- in fact, by the time of Tamers episode 15, he demonstrates an understanding that they’re not playing a “game” anymore when things get difficult (and even puts his foot down in front of the other kids for it, a huge improvement from his rather cowardly outlook at the beginning of the series), so the issue largely had to do with the fact that the early parts of Tamers didn’t immediately make such high stakes clear, and Takato himself was thus in a situation of not worrying about others because that necessity wasn’t there yet. But even in the same episode, Takato still has a clear motive of wanting to show off his cool Digimon partner to the others and bask in his “status” as a Tamer, and it’s still a huge contrast to Haru who was initially too humble to accept his role as part of such a larger narrative until his desire to “protect everyone” won out. It’s a big deal that Haru understood the stakes that would be involved in the fight against Leviathan from day one, and actively chose to opt in because of his selflessness.

Another major reason for this difference is that Haru has a certain character trait explicitly ascribed to him that isn’t with Takato: Haru enjoys reading books and is actually rather book-smart and intellectual. On a certain technicality, Takato being characterized as not particularly skilled in that department actually brings him a little closer to the conventional shounen protagonist archetype than it does a “bookish” character like Haru, because such a character is often considered too nerdy for the protagonist position -- but in Haru’s case, the fact he’s actively thoughtful and ruminates on things means that he spends a lot of time thinking about “what’s the right thing to do” in a given situation.

For all it’s worth, I really hope that the above won’t be taken as an implication that Takato is a fundamentally bad person for having more selfish immediate priorities than Haru or the Adventure/02 kids do; having to carry the weight of such a large thing is a huge thing to ask of someone, especially when we’re talking about someone who kind of got thrown into this whole mess and has been spending the entirety of this series trying to figure it all out without a lot of reliable sources of help. On top of that, it should also be noted that Takato is ten; if there’s anything that can be said to be not entirely true-to-life with the Adventure and 02 cast personalities, it’s that a lot of the emotional awareness and levelheadedness they exhibit usually come from people much older than 8-12 (it’s one of the “acceptable breaks from reality” employed in kids’ shows that kid protagonists are often a tad bit more mature than actual kids would be at that age, otherwise a lot of said kids’ show plots wouldn’t function), and real ten-year-olds in Takato’s situation would often have more difficulty knowing what to do with such great burdens at this age. It’s actually fairly significant that Haru is 13 and from a group composed mainly of middle schoolers, in contrast to the older series having elementary school kids (the youngest Appli Driver, Astra, is actually the same age as a classic Digimon series protagonist), and thus it’s probably not surprising that they’re more willing and able to deal with such huge issues much earlier on.

Thus, although Takato’s character arc does involve him slowly growing into the role of becoming less shallow and selfish, and becoming more truly assertive while he’s at it, this fundamental difference in their natures ends up continuing to have a major influence by the time of the later parts of the series. The difference can be most starkly illustrated in Tamers episode 35 versus Appmon episode 41 -- in which Takato, upon seeing Beelzebumon kill Leomon, is utterly consumed by his emotions and decides that the best course of action to take would be killing Beelzebumon in revenge, even though this won’t bring Leomon back or accomplish anything productive (and, indeed, it does make things worse in the form of driving his own partner over the edge and traumatizing Juri further). (Adventure had already warned that prioritizing “revenge” over “protecting others” is foolhardy and tends to cause a lot of really nasty problems.)

In contrast, one thing you might notice about Haru is that he never “denies anyone’s feelings”, even when confronting someone like Knight. You could argue that Haru wasn’t necessarily dealing with direct trauma in front of him, but recall that Knight had caused tons of grief and misery for many (something Haru takes serious offense at) and had, along with Charismon, gotten very close to permakilling all of the Buddy Appmon at one point back in Appmon episode 37 -- so it’s not like Haru doesn’t have reason to have grudge against Knight, even if the severity isn’t as immediate. Note that Haru doesn’t “both-sides” this issue; he still insists on making his own case, it’s just that he still doesn’t have it in him to not acknowledge that Knight has a good reason for making the case he does given his background, consider his words to an extent, and fight against the idea of having Knight be killed for no good reason. Haru has a very strong belief in “thinking with one’s heart” and “respecting feelings” that he'd exhibited through the entire series (for example, very prominently in Appmon episode 12 with Rei), and because of that he has a ton of emotional control over himself even taking some very harsh things. It’s clear that Haru does have very deep understanding of what he’s dealing with -- and chooses to be idealistic and kind anyway.

(In addition, because Haru is so naturally inclined to be selfless, the one time he really does hit an emotional low in Appmon episode 49, it’s not anger or lashing out at anyone, but rather sadness and despair. Haru just really does not have the fundamental capacity to be aggressive.)

As said before, Takato’s character arc is very much a personal story of how he grew into the role of a Tamer, via learning to fight for what’s important and have a strong heart for it. As a result, his motives for fighting end up still having a much more personal streak to it than anything -- at the time of Tamers episode 49, technically speaking, the Wild Bunch was still being counted on to work on the D-Reaper problem, and his own family was urging him to stay home for now, but what tipped him over the edge was not some desire to protect people as a whole but rather the fact that Juri was calling for him. It’s not to say that such a thing is selfish -- he’s clearly doing it for her sake, not anything to do with his own -- but nevertheless his involvement was directly related to something that hit a little more personally moreso than it was for the sake of the wider picture.

As said before, this is fitting for someone whose story is really more of a personal character arc before anything else; the significance is more in line with the sheer amount of emotional growth Takato had to go through in order to get to this point at all, and how someone normally so divorced from the concept of heroism could come to do something so meaningful, especially thanks to his interactions with Guilmon and growing alongside him. There’s absolutely no doubt that Takato wouldn’t have been able to do this kind of thing at the beginning of the series, so it’s a huge accomplishment that shouldn’t be watered down. It also makes him a very good foil to the D-Reaper, an emotionless program that’s still fixated on rehashing the same destructive purpose it was originally created for years ago and has long lost its purpose, and while Takato isn’t technically the sole factor in putting it to rest (at most, the most valuable asset as part of the Wild Bunch’s plan), the contrast is quite apparent.

On the flip side, Appmon episode 54 not only involves the exact opposite -- in which Haru sacrifices something closely personal to him for the sake of everything else -- but also ties it very closely to its own series themes, which are assertively laid down in all of their glory during this finale. The reason Haru had been “chosen” by Minerva to begin with, and the reason he himself had been given an opt-in “choice” at the beginning of the series and again in Appmon episode 38, and so many other characters had been given “choices”, is that this story is about choices -- because Leviathan (and Knight, and any kind of “AI should manage everything” argument that this series fights hard against) believes that humans shouldn’t be allowed them, and that everything ought to fall in accordance with a “rational” system. Haru, on the other hand, believes in the human heart that can do unexpected things, and his constant choices to do things out of kindness despite understanding what they entail.

Over the course of the series, Haru hadn’t always been putting himself in a spotlight situation -- in fact, many episodes had involved him saying “we’ll support you!” and generally uplifting others before he’d ever tried to take charge. But in the end, the reason he ends up as the “protagonist” who makes the final choice for everyone’s sake is because he’s the one who understands that gravity of “making a choice with one’s feelings” that’s so vital to changing Leviathan’s mind -- plus, the fact he’d been so supportive and kind to everyone means that everyone else shows up for him when he needs it most. Note that when Astra and Eri are upset at Yuujin in Appmon episodes 48 and 51, it’s not so much out of the overall betrayal as much as the fact he specifically betrayed and hurt Haru, because that’s how much they’ve come to care for him in return.

Hence, why Appmon latently ends on a frame of redefining the concept of “protagonist” -- certainly, on a meta level, Haru became the “protagonist” of the narrative that is Appmon, but what it actually means in terms of what Haru became is that everyone, including the members of the audience watching this series, is “the protagonist of their own life”, meaning that being a “protagonist” is defined merely by said act of “making choices” and defining what your own path will be. And especially in a world where singularity is going to become more and more of a real possibility -- as the show indirectly reminds us, AI surpassing human intellect is something that’s been predicted and warned about in this very world we, the viewers, live in -- understanding this is going to become even more important.

Incidentally, in the end, as much as it might be tempting to try and draw parallels with Takato because both of them are in the franchise-mandated position of “protagonist”, removing that requirement actually brings up a character that might make a much closer parallel -- “making choices that are out of kindness” easily directly invokes a certain other character from 02 who had “kindness” as a huge part of his character arc, doesn’t it...?

Really, if you think about it, Haru has a lot in common with Ken, who’s also thoughtful, intellectual, very in touch with his own feelings, assertive, resilient, strong in heart, and kind out of choice even when he doesn’t have to be -- you could basically say Haru is what Ken would be like if he hadn’t gone through such a massive formative event of trauma early in his life, or, alternatively, Ken if he had a bit more of Daisuke’s more outwardly bright, friendly, and supportive traits. It may not be a comparison you’d be easily tempted to make because, as stated above, as much as Ken had a deep connection with 02′s plot, he’s not portrayed as the protagonist of his own narrative...and, hence, Haru is unusual in that the exact archetype that was formerly placed in the role of the series deuteragonist has now been recast in the role of the protagonist itself. But then again, from Haru’s perspective, it’s not like Ken wasn’t technically the driving force of his own story, right?

(I’m not just drawing this comparison because I usually blog for 02. I promise.)

[swanhookheart]

Angry Grishaverse book review time!

After watching and LOVING s1 of Shadow and Bone, I read the trilogy! I was not impressed. 

Spoilers incoming for Grishaverse stuff, so if you don’t want those, don’t read on!

Watching Shadow and Bone this past weekend, I was hooked : Darklina, the lore behind the amplifiers, the Aleksander backstory… I was really impressed and hoped that this was it--that at last, I’d found a fantasy series that was going somewhere big, something I could really, thoroughly sink my teeth into. 

*Sigh* 

Then I read the books.

The reader / viewer enters the Grishaverse associating darkness with pure evil. The Fold, described early on, is shown to be this bleak, awful, ruinous place where people go to be eaten alive by volcra and hope goes to die. We therefore, naturally, associate the Darkling--who possesses the power of shadow--with that evil from the off. I’m speaking as someone who only got into the Grishaverse last Saturday. My initial thoughts were, “oh, he’s being set up to be viewed as dark and scary; this is the expectation Bardugo wants us to have so that we’ll be blown away by some great twist later. Count me in!”

But that twist never came. He was set up as evil, and he stayed evil. Surprise, he’s the Black Heretic! Surprise, he’s an abomination effectively created by Morezova’s greed! Surprise, he’s ruthless and horrible and does cruel things! Except none of those things are actually surprising, given he was SET UP from the beginning to be viewed that way. He did bad things, walked a bad walk, and talked a bad talk. I kept thinking “ah, so he’s gonna get a sweeeet redemption arc,” and then he just never did. That element of the story was predictable to a nauseating degree, and that predictability made the entire universe feel a bit flat. If the reader saw more of his backstory, had more real, logical, sound justification for why he does the things he does (like in the show, where they at least tried to paint his actions as borne of some misplaced sense of servitude / protection for the Grisha or where we saw him actively struggling at points to grapple with the darkness inside him), then maybe the trilogy wouldn’t have been such a letdown. And yes, I know about his sacrifice or whatever later on. It’s not enough.

In villains, I and probably plenty of others like to see humanity. We want to empathize with our villains to a certain extent--to understand them just a little bit--so we can fully commit to hating them when they violate our trust. The Darkling didn’t have that human, redeeming quality, though--at least, not in the books. In the books, he was just a power-hungry jackass who simultaneously didn’t want to be alone and kept trying to kill his only opportunity not to be alone. His single-mindedness, his lack of human empathy, the simplicity with which he pursued this made him seem almost stupid to me as a reader. For someone who’s lived hundreds of years, he’s kind of an idiot when it comes to other people--which, itself, almost seems incongruous with his having lived for so long. If he’d maybe had more backstory or more in his story to justify his actions, maybe he’d feel like a better villain. But atm, all I’m doing is rolling my eyes with him. I couldn’t love him because he didn’t put in any work toward being a better person. Even in the end, he doesn’t actually do the work or repent. But I also can’t hate him because the source material hasn’t given me enough actual human qualities to hate or to feel betrayed. His character just… missed the mark for me. 

As did Mal’s. Fucking MAL, oh my GOD! This dude’s literal only personality trait was loving Alina. Cool, he could track--for Alina, mostly. He could fight--for Alina. “I am become a blade”? Sir, you got a whole-ass tattoo announcing that you’re an object in this woman’s service? No WAP is worth that, and I’m speaking as a very bisexual woman. My dude, it’s weird, it’s extra, it’s just too much. I’ll go back to the Darkling for two seconds to say that, ofc, his actions were painted as problematic and misogynistic and gross. But, like, the possessiveness Mal displays with Alina kinda feels on that same level? Why are we pretending he’s better when he actively tries to keep her low, keep her powerless, and keep her his? Again, dude got a tattoo of her sigil. He was fully prepared to be the leader of her guard even if she married Nikolai just for the opportunity for some sexytimes. I know that YA is about really intense emotion, the fire of teenage hormones and stuff, but that all just felt a bit toxic. The way that his entire life revolved around her while she tried to balance the role of saint, hero, orphan, and all the things she was just felt goofy and like a wildly unhealthy dynamic. 

Their whole relationship also felt really obvious, as I guess the Darkling being revealed as the trilogy’s big bad did. It was predictable, set up to be that way from the start. There were no surprises. It was Mal, and then it was still Mal, and in the end, it was also Mal. We weren’t really shown any of what made them so drawn to each other, we were just kind of told and expected to be fine with the intensity of it. But it read as being way too much for me, and god, it kept getting worse. Again, this one felt like low-hanging fruit--low effort, lazy writing. Nothing about it actually read to me as romantic, just as too much. They didn’t so much as fall in love as just start out that way, and reading that was somewhere between boring and uncomfortable. At least with the Darkling or hell--even Nikolai--we saw some of that chemistry unfold on the page. We were shown some of what made them work the way they did. There was something underpinning their relationship, and not just “oh, they’re supposed to be together”. I mean, after all JKR’s bullshit, I feel totally fine saying fuck authorial intent. If you can’t even be bothered to actually put your shit on the page, don’t ask me to blindly accept your version canon as gospel truth. 

We could have had Deckerstar vibes, Beauty and the Beast vibes, seen light and dark come together and surprise us by actually working well together. But no, we saw a special girl lose everything that made her special and settle for some mediocre fuckboy from her hometown. We get characters that actually have the potential to be dynamic and make for a good story, but she still ends up with this bland, vanilla, trick-ass bitch? It’s a major letdown when you’ve actually been exposed to decent fictional couples, tbh.

OOF! And the ending? Oh jesus fuck, that ending. Darkling just… dies. Just like that. I read three whole books for that? I know he comes back and dies again and all, but the whole trilogy felt like it was building up to something more, something deeper and greater and more profound. He was horrible for the things he did, sure, and he deserved defeat as long as he refused to waver from his power-hungry, destructive path. But his death brought about no closure. He and Alina never actually had the fight they needed to or reached an understanding with each other. Everything is left undone, unsaid, unexplored. The ending just felt super anticlimactic on the page, and so, the trilogy as a whole fell completely short of any mark I hoped it might hit.

Did I hope Darklina would be endgame? Sure. But I’d also have been A-okay with a tragic ending if it had been done right. Did I think it would have been a lot more interesting to see a redemption arc for Darkling than just… more of the same? Or maybe Mal develop a personality outside of Alina? Absolutely. There was so much potential, and it really feels like Bardugo squandered all of it. And for what? This was nearly as disappointing as the eighth season of Game of Thrones. I probably won’t be watching future seasons if they follow the books, but I guess I’m glad for the day or so of fleeting pleasure I got when I still had hope for a properly told story. 

[electricbluebutterflies]

Joel/Tess + drunk AU

PG13-ish and also on ao3.

It has been a day.

Even by Tess’s questionably existent standards, even in her reality of having learned over the past few years that she does not in fact have any Legitimately Useful Skills in the world after the end of the world… maybe that’s why she took up her outside activities, because she needed something to do that isn’t the mindless work assignments she qualifies for. Because she needs something to make her feel alive, and she doesn’t have the outlets and inclinations some people do, she’s not creative, she’s not-

It has been another fuck-you of a day, she took an assignment more for the sake of keeping up appearances than anything else and she knows there’s worse ways to spend a day than cleaning up graffiti but seriously what the actual hell did whomever did some of those pieces even use, and… after that exercise in underpaid bureaucratic sadism, Tess is pretty sure she’s not supposed to feel this old somewhere in her thirties, and-

This is where low standards are very convenient, because low standards mean not asking adequate questions about things that other people claim are alcohol.

To be clear, Tess has a lot of respect for the human determination to ferment and distill whatever happens to be convenient, and she’s also seen a few rigs that are… varying levels of likely to cause an explosion, if one wants to be polite about it. Moonshine and its cousins are time-honored proof of humanity’s basic instincts, and she knows it’s a little bit of a risk but she trusts the source about as much as she trusts anyone nowadays, if they claim it was an attempt at vodka then it’s probably at least in that vicinity, and-

Whatever it actually is, it tastes appropriately harsh out of the bottle, and she suspects she’ll fade into an adequate state of calm dissociation with no trouble at all.

There are worse ways to spend an evening, she decides. She doesn’t have much of a social life – she’s screwing her roommate, if she wants to be realistic about that situation, and that’s about as much voluntary human contact as she can handle. No reason to leave the apartment until morning, no pending deals or petty emergencies, her status as a mid-level participant in the underground means she can take an occasional (or more than occasional) day off and-

She’s starting to get floaty – she used to have better tolerance than this but again the uncertainty of what she’s even drinking, she’ll blame that and not the fact that she was ten years younger and fifteen or twenty pounds heavier when she set what she thought would be lifelong baselines for such things – when she hears the door, and she knows without sight that her various emotions and desire to outrun them will be understood and shared. Joel does harder physical work than she does and she’s seen it start to wear on him, and she’d heard something about a demolition project going on and-

“There any of that for me?”

They’re so fucking domesticated and direct and she kinda loves it. She’d picked her perch on the couch with expectations, and she motions to the space next to her. “Get over here.”

He does, and his hands feel good on hers as he takes the bottle. “The hell even is this?”

“Strong.” She doesn’t know more than that, offhand. She doesn’t need to know that. Strong and doesn’t noticeably taste like cleaning chemicals. All a desperate person could ever want.

He takes a sip, all cautious like he almost never is in their spaces, and for a moment Tess has a flashback of going on a couple dates so many years ago with an aspiring wine snob, and-

“That kind of day.”

“You don’t look any better,” she murmurs. She’s getting tactile, getting close to that comfortable point where she doesn’t hold back, never mind she’s supposedly the less inhibited one, never mind-

“Never do.”

Okay, no. She knows the differences between them on these evenings; she gets clingy and he gets broody, and those tendencies do balance each other out but that balance takes time and they ain’t there yet and-

Kissing seems like a good idea, so she does. Cheek, jaw, neck. Exposed skin is fair game, and-

“You wanna be the end of me?”

“What, I’m not allowed to keep you out of your head?”

One of his hands gets up in her hair, just enough to tether her. “You safe in yours?”

“I’m coherent,” she mutters. “I’m not gonna do anything… I couldn’t regret you anyways.”

He puts the bottle aside, almost moves her to get it out of reach. “One of us needs to be clear. You’re…”

“I’m good. Promise.”

He doesn’t say anything right away, and that’s permission enough to get her on top of him, thighs around his waist, no thoughts just want, no thoughts just-

“You sure?”

She rolls her hips, and she knows it’ll take a little time to get there but she does feel something under her. “Need to burn this energy somehow. And you can’t say no to me.”

The kiss she gets makes damn clear this is a shared mood, and she feels herself getting warm in the right places, just blurred enough to be pleasant and-

Won’t go any further than making out, somehow that line gets drawn without words. But it’s a good makeout, hands slipped under fabric, all the wanting and warmth and-

Maybe nothing ever takes the edges off, but at least they get close. All a woman could ever ask for, right?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP with social anxiety here. I have a therapist but we're focusing on some other issues right now. In the meantime, I was wondering if you had some advice for me. I know you're not a professional (you say that multiple times in your posts) and of course I'm not asking you for a fix for my social anxiety with this - I'm just asking your help to understand what part my cognition could be playing in all of this cause I'm really curious.

Basically, my problem is the time frame right BEFORE I meet someone and, sometimes, immediately after. I don't really have problems socializing in the "middle", if you get what I mean; I'm easily adaptable and once I'm relaxed, once I realize no one is there to attack me, my mind starts getting ideas and I kind of know what to say, even though I'm a bit out of practice and I still have problems convincing other people of my emotions (like, mirroring their emotions so that they know I agree with them and stuff like that; for some reason they never ---believe me when I say it with words).

When I make plans, anyway, and I still haven't met the person, I get this anxiety: like I would rather stay home than go there because it's going to be "boring" and I'm probably going to feel like an idiot or make some sort of social gaffe. I mean, I do kinda get bored after a while anyway, but I also know I tend to overestimate that level of "future boredom" to the point it hurts me to even think about showing up and forcing myself to think of stuff I can-- say.

I get anxious because I start thinking about the way people used to treat me in the past (I've always been the black sheep of my family and/or my social circles and I vividly remember some bad things they used to say to me) and I start worrying that, deep down, they still think of me like that and they're never going to forget that "preconception of my identity" and open their eyes to who I am now, or I guess to who I've always been.

I do realize it doesn't make much sense, this "who I ----really am" part - but I've always had the impression that I was a bit different than the "me" they percieved, maybe because after many, many years of being accused of "selfishness" and "inability to tune in with the emotional atmosphere" I learned that in order not to ruin the "social mood" I should've adapted myself to the group - but the problems is that I suppressed "myself" in the meantime (and with myself I mean, like, my real interests, the things I'd like to talk about for ages without-- having to be interrupted or looked down on because, quote unquote, "ok, cool, but we don't really care").

I understand now that if they don't give me hints of actually caring about the subject I should stop rambling like a fool, but this is making me feel like I have nothing "useful" to offer them and therefore bringing the anxiety I'm struggling with. It makes me scared that I'll never be able to be myself around them because of the "social rules" I want to respect to be accepted, & to make----it worse I'm out of practice like I said before and sometimes it just gets too awkward and I want to get out of there.

I bet I'm doing something wrong because friendships and relationships in general are not supposed to be "boring", am I right? And yet until I don't get distracted by the actual conversation, I feel like it's going to be really boring and uncomfortable and sometimes going through it is SO horrible... most of the time I end up making up some excuse to go home earlier and talk----my internet friends instead (thank God for the internet!!!!). Anyway, thank you if you'll answer! And have a good summer vacation c:

-----------------------

The first thing I notice is that your thought process bears a very striking resemblance to many INFJs who struggle with social anxiety due to poor Fe development (see past posts). As a general rule, if I have good reason to suspect that someone might be mistyped, I won't provide info about function development until they undergo a proper type assessment. Otherwise, they might adopt the wrong method of improvement.

You say you want to understand what part your cognition plays in the social anxiety you experience, so I will mention the aspects of your cognition that seem most significant:

1) No Chill: You overthink things to an extreme, to the point of self-sabotage, perhaps even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. when expecting the negative actually makes the negative happen). Overthinking means that you're not confronting the real obstacle getting in the way of your socializing. You're constantly trying to envision, imagine, or predict what will happen in a social interaction? WHY? What's the point of that overthinking? It's how you avoid confronting your fear head on.

2) Insecure: Your "predictions" are too often faulty because of being tainted by your underlying insecurities. You're insecure about being attacked, being accused, being misjudged, doing something wrong, being deemed of no value or unworthy of care, not being accepted or acceptable, dying of awkwardness, feeling bored, feeling uncomfortable, and on and on. You've described your thought process in detail. But nowhere do I see you confronting your insecurities, digging deeper into them, in order to understand the root of them. Insecurities are a manifestation of fear.

3) Control: Irrational anxiety is oftentimes about trying to control things that you shouldn't be trying to control or cannot have any control over - it wastes mental energy and leads to futile behavior. As long as you're trying to control social situations and their outcome, you are either trying too hard to make reality match up with your expectations or you're fumbling whenever reality unfolds outside of your expectations - you become rigid and frail. You claim to be "adaptable" but everything you say after that only proves you don't know the meaning of the word. You can't handle unpredictability, hence, the attempt to be in control by trying to "predict" everything. Do your attempts to control actually work? Do they help or hinder you? If they mostly hinder you, then isn't it time to change your strategy? Anxious people often believe that having more knowledge or control is the answer to their fear. But, in your case, the huge cost of being controlling is being incompetent. What's worse, the fear is still right there running the show.

4) Unresolved Trauma: You attribute your troubles to your past. Fair enough. Growing up in a social environment that did not respect and appreciate you is painful, even extremely traumatic for certain personality types. It also makes people too hungry for validation. It's natural that you wouldn't want to feel the pain of it again. However, if that pain remains unexamined and unresolved, you will unconsciously keep seeking to resolve it, which means re-enacting the trauma over and over again throughout life. The proof? Every time you meet someone, your first stance is defensive, because the first thing that comes into your mind is that you don't want to be attacked or invalidated. That old pain is running the whole show because you are deeply afraid of experiencing it again, yet you don't realize that YOU are the one calling it back up and rehashing it. What are you doing to resolve the pain rather than indulge the fear?

5) Self-absorbed: Social anxiety makes people too absorbed in their own thoughts, feelings, hopes, and expectations. They are too preoccupied with what they want, what will happen, how they will be perceived, how they might make a mistake, how they might be attacked, etc. This means they're not truly present with people, so the relationship can't really go far. Driven by fear and insecurity, they are always behind a wall, too difficult to reach.

Even if you happen to meet the right people, do you make it easy for them to befriend you? It seems that you can't open up with ease, you can't go with the flow of the other person when they don't live up to your expectations, you can't keep your emotions in check and misjudge situations, you get bored when it's not about you, you run away instead of making things better. Looking at yourself objectively from the outside, would you want to be friends with someone like that?

If you want to have good friends, you first have to BE a good friend. You want care, love, and validation? We all do. The best way to receive it is to be the first to give it. By being more aware of other people's needs and doing more to show that you care about them, you put them in a better position to care about you and meet your needs in return. This is the difference between actively trying to "make" a friend vs passively wishing for a friend to drop into your lap.

Being a friend isn't about what "value" you have, as though you're some kind of object being appraised and sold. Being a good friend is quite a simple matter of putting out the energy to care and show that you care. When you meet someone who's moved by your care, they will care for you in return. When you meet someone who's unmoved by your care, figure out the real reason why, in order to determine whether you should keep trying or put your energy elsewhere.

You never really know who you'll hit it off with. One of my favorite experiences in life is making a friend in the unlikeliest of places. As an adult, meeting new people is a numbers game. All you can do is keep pushing yourself to meet new people. The more people you meet, the greater the odds of clicking with someone. If you're looking to meet like-minded people, go to places that are likely to have people who share your interests. If you don't hit it off with someone, simply move along. You don't have to be friends with everyone, do you?

Yet, you take every little social interaction so seriously that each step is like life or death - that's what makes socializing tiring, laborious, and unfun. Why not enter into every social interaction with an open mind and an open heart? Why not truly go with the flow, without having to undergo the repetitive ritual of predicting what will happen or fussing over what did happen?

6) Poor Emotional Intelligence: This point is the common thread that runs through the previous points, which is why I keep repeating the word "fear". You have extremely low tolerance for negative feelings and emotions, which means you really need to work on learning how to deal with your emotional life better. Any little sign that things won't turn out the way you want and you start to panic, overthink, blame, or flee. Why do you recoil from yourself and your own feelings and emotions? Why are you so easily shaken by boredom, awkwardness, invalidation, failing, other people's negativity, etc? Why do you react so badly to these things (when others just brush it off and keep going)?

7) Low Self-Awareness: It's not enough to just name the fear ("I'm afraid of____"). Does the label explain why you have this particular fear and not some other fear? It's not enough to blame the past ("It's because of ____"). Why did someone else with a similar past as yours not develop this fear? To get to the root of fear, you have to identify, in exact terms:

what aspect of you has to change to overcome the fear

what aspect of your identity has to "die" (i.e. be let go of) in order to evaporate the fear

Until you answer the fear properly, it won't go away.

[mikeana]

So I keep seeing this sentiment used in pointing out the differences between Hawks vs Twice and Midoriya vs Shigaraki (often used to prove how Midoriya is a true hero unlike Hawks) that Hawks never understood Twice, or even tried to understand him before he killed him, which... what?

Not only do I think that’s not true (or at least, not to the extent that people claim), but even if Hawks did understand Twice, knowing his entire tragic life story, understanding the bonds of the League of Villains... would that even have made a difference?

There are a lot of differences between the characters of Twice and Shigaraki. Twice kills people in order to protect his friends - the bond he found with the League is what his entire character revolves around - whereas Shigaraki kills because he was brainwashed into thinking that that’s his purpose. He was born to destroy - so why not destroy everything he doesn't like about society? Simple as that.

Because what drives them are so different, the process of ‘saving’ them - breaking them away of that motivation to kill and do active harm - would be different as well. Midoriya can appeal to that crying child inside Shigaraki, showing him that he is more than just destruction incarnate. Midoriya would also have to get past a wall of hatred towards... just about everything (but him especially) in order to get that message across - how he manages to do that, I have no idea - but we still have quite a bit in the story to go. Meanwhile, in order for Hawks to have successfully saved Twice, he would have had to come in between the bond that Twice shared with the League.

I know that there are several people that tout the LoV as a ‘found family’ but... it’s not. It’s not a healthy environment in the slightest. The entire League revolves around their status of outcasts and their hatred of society - but while it’s nice to have friends that can understand your past, the fact is that the League does not do anything to take a step forward and move on from sitting in their negative emotions. They ‘express themselves’ sure - by killing and doing whatever they want, but that’s not self-improvement. It may give them a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but at the end of the day, they’re as stagnant and lost as ever, enabling each others worst habits. It’s completely unhealthy - and one of the worst type of environments Twice could have found himself in.

Twice - who has little to no self-worth of his own - found himself surrounded by a bunch of people with similar sad backstories and who were also social outcasts like him. They also happened to be murders. Because they showed the smallest appreciation and kindness towards him, Twice was then given purpose - do whatever it takes to protect his friends. That’s the motivation that led him to overcoming him drama and breaking out Sad Man’s Parade. Unfortunately, while the League did give Twice senses of direction, purpose, and belonging, they didn’t do much to actually give him the proper help and care he needed (and vice versa - in protecting his friends, Twice is also protecting the status quo). I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again - it was no coincidence that, while Twice managed to miraculously ‘overcome his trauma’, his split-personality condition was stated at the end of the MVA arc as becoming worse. The League enables each other’s worse habits - and while Twice did grow during MVA, it was in the wrong direction. Coincidently, I think MVA is also the point where Twice can no longer be saved.

So, in order for Hawks to miraculously have saved Twice, he would have to had come between his bond with his League - aka his entire reason for living. And Hawks did do exactly that - he destroyed clones of all the League members for crying out loud. But still, some people assume that Hawks didn’t understand Twice - didn’t understand his backstory, nor his connection to the League.

I’ll be honest, we never got a panel of Hawks thinking about said connection (or at least, not that I remember), so there’s no way to know exactly how much he knew about Twice. But Twice was one of the villains that Hawks had information on (the only ones he didn’t were Dabi and Shigaraki), and the two hung out fairly frequently. Hawks could have known all about his past, or maybe he knew nothing at all. He didn’t know about Twice’s trauma with being double-crossed by Overhaul, leading to the death of Magne - so again, who knows how much he knew? Even if Hawks looked over Twice’s case file though, that still wouldn’t have changed the fact that he would have had to overcome his connection with the League - which leads me to my next point.

Hawks definitely understood Twice’s connection to the League. Or at least, he knew that his love of them was the motivation of his crimes. Hawks admired Twice because he was a kind person - he wanted to be useful to his friends, just like Hawks did. However, that same drive can also be dangerous. If Hawks thought that Twice’s level of commitment to the League wasn’t so strong, that Twice would automatically agree with him and accept his offer when he started talking, then Hawks wouldn’t have sent almost all his feathers to surround him. Twice was a kind person - and that’s exactly why he was such a threat.

So, in order to surpass the bond that Twice shared with the League, Hawks would have had to do one of two things: 1 - gain Twice’s unwavering trust so that he accepted his deal or 2 - show Twice that he has more inherit value than he gives himself credit for, giving him another motivation besides the League.

Scenario 1 was what Hawks attempted to go with, though it was doomed from the start. As soon as Hawks double-crosses Twice, reveals himself as a spy, he’s immediately clocked in shadow, seeming monstrous from Twice’s perspective. Any trust Twice had extended Hawks was immediately broken. This doesn’t help that Hawks has to come out with a bunch of sharp feathers pointed in his direction. No matter how much he liked Twice, he was still an active threat, and Hawks needed to be able to act at a moments notice in case he resisted (which of course, he did). 

I’ve seen some people suggest that Hawks could have promised that the League would be safe, that his failing was that he didn’t understand the entire League the way Twice did - that if Hawks had just calmly approached him beforehand without the feathers, told him the situation, promised that he’d get the entire League help the same way he promised he would with Twice, everything would be fine. But - there’s no guarantee that Twice would agree with that. During their months together, none of the League have ever tried to reach out to get help with the intention of improving themselves. The status is that they have to maintain their way of life - aka them doing whatever they want with no repercussions. In order to get proper help, that would have to change. Twice protecting the League means protecting their way of life and any active threat against it. Again, as soon as Hawks came out as being a spy on the heroes side, Twice’s immediately distorted him into something monstrous. With his former trauma with Overhaul, I believe that - no matter what the scenario - Twice would have immediately lost all trust in Hawks. Therefore, there was no hope that option 1 would work.

But what about option 2 - giving Twice some self-worth, and giving him some motivation outside of the League? Well, I think that would also be impossible - at least, for Hawks anyways. Because, like it or not, Hawks and Twice have the same fatal flaw - aka they both have little to no self-worth outside of being useful to the people they want to protect - to the point that either would happily lay down their lives if it meant the people they care about could be happy. The only difference is that Twice’s care extends only to the League whereas Hawks’ extends to the whole of society. In order to give Twice that sense of self-worth, Hawks would first have had to found some in himself - a little hard to miraculously do, considering he’s on an undercover suicide mission. The tragedy of Hawks vs Twice is that, at the end of the day, they were both kind characters - which meant they both had the same ‘unbreakable will’ that make up some of the most dangerous characters (according to Hawks).

Even if it the person that fought Twice wasn’t Hawks (which first off - good luck to anyone but Hawks dealing with Twice’s clones), this second option still requires some deal of trust - which meant you’d have to find a hero or anyone who Twice wouldn’t have thought of as an immediate threat to his friends. Twice didn't hesitate to attack Midoriya or the UA students at the training camp - what makes anyone so sure that if Midoriya faced Twice, there would be a different result?

So in synopsis, I think Hawks did understand Twice enough before the fight (at least to know what drives him) - but even if Hawks did know every. single. little. thing. about Twice's life, it wouldn’t have made a difference.

In order for a character to be saved - in order for them to start their redemption - they have to want to change. That is the key difference in what makes a person savable or un-savable. However, by the time of the PLF arc, Twice is actively choosing to side with the League - and nothing Hawks could do was going to pull him away from that.

How Midoriya will convince Shigaraki to want to change is something we’ll have to wait and see.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

What Fresh Hell?: Part Two

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: ~1.7k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, fluff and angst, talk of child pornography, talk of sexual abuse with children

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

Feedback is gold, and it’s the only currency I take

Billie’s father is seen parking in the driveway, and even from where you’re at, you can feel how angry he is. He turns this whole blue energy of the house into a light purple. Both red and blue mix to create a whole mess of emotions. He’s not right in the head either, but that’s clearly not going to stop him from marching in here. As soon as he does, him and Billie’s mother just go at it.

“I have been calling you all night!” she yells.

“I'm sorry, Marilyn. I turned my phone off.”

“How could you turn your phone off? What if Billie got sick or—we needed you!”

“I said I was sorry!” he groans.

She slaps his arm and gives an angry scoff. She turns away and leaves the room. Thankfully, William stays put to give her time to cool off.

“What's being done to find my daughter?”

“We're assessing that right now,” you answer.

“She's been missing since yesterday! What the hell have you people been doing since then?!”

“Where have you been, Mr. Copeland?” Gideon wonders.

“Me?”

“Where were you all day and all night?”

“I have a cabin in Brandywine Valley,” he says, but that doesn’t tell you where he’s been this entire time.

“The police tried you there.”

“Well, maybe I was out at the time.”

“Billie tried your cell phone yesterday afternoon. You didn’t answer then,” you comment.

“Well, I shut it off sometimes. I like the solitude.”

“You didn't fight your wife for custody of your daughter, but you like being in her life,” Gideon rattles off the facts.

He wants to make him nervous. It’s working.

“I want her to grow up in her home with her friends around. This is the only place she's ever lived.”

“So, you love her very much.”

“Yes.”

“Why do you waste any precious time we have left?” Gideon sighs and cuts to the chase for this is taking too long. “You weren't at your cabin. You weren't at work or with friends. Police didn't call us until a little while ago because they thought your daughter might have been with you—that you might have taken your daughter. Until you can give us a satisfactory accounting of your whereabouts from the time your daughter went missing until—would you help me understand why a devoted father who talks to his daughter every night suddenly turns his phone off and disappears for almost twenty-four hours?”

“I was… busy,” he hesitates.

“It was 1:30 in the afternoon. You called your wife at 11:30 that morning and found out Billie was missing.”

“So?”

“Well, Brandywine Valley is fifteen minutes away. Where were you, Mr. Copeland?”

William knows he’s been caught, so he chooses the right option to tell the truth. He sighs heavily and sits down with a long and tired look on his face.

“I—I was at Sloane Kettering hospital in New York City. Dr. Baylan Mahal is the head of Oncology. You can call him if you want.”

“I will. Did you have a relapse?”

“It's in my lymph nodes now. There's nothing more they can—” he cuts himself off. “Please find my daughter. Find my daughter.”

“Call Sloane Kettering,” Gideon instructs of you.

“Yes sir,” you say, already taking out your phone.

The bad news is that Sloane Kettering vouched for William, confirming he was with them the entire day with proof through cameras as well as the sign in sheet. If he didn’t take his own daughter, then that means it really is a stranger abduction—most likely. The good news is that Derek, Elle, and Hotch did have something when they returned from the park. You didn’t want to upset the parents even more, so you had a small meeting on their lawn as soon as they arrived.

“What do we know?” Gideon asks as he jogs up to the rest of the group.

“We talked to a kid who had contact with the unsub. He came back to the same street more than once,” Hotch informs.

“Well that tells us he's at ease in the neighborhood—comfortable talking to kids in plain view,” you fit the pieces together.

“He lured Billie with a story about a lost dog.”

“She recently lost one of her own.”

“That indicates previous knowledge of the victim,” Spencer says.

“But it doesn't necessarily mean that she knew him personally. This only means he's aware,” you counteract.

“Actually, it's not uncommon for predators like these to know the kids that live around his area. He’s from this neighborhood.”

“Then we go door to door and ask for voluntary searchers,” Detective Russet speaks up.

“The neighborhood is already crawling with uniforms. They're everywhere. Having more searchers is only going to make the man who did this go into hiding,” you point out.

“So far, you followed the child abduction response plan to the letter,” Gideon trails off.

“For the past few hours, yes,” the detective nods.

“So now we need to move past the guidelines and change tactics. If we don't, Billie isn't gonna make it past the next twenty-four hours. I want you to corral these clowns,” Gideon points to all of the news cameras. “We're gonna need 'em—all of 'em.”

Before you can deal with the press, it’s about time to give the profile. Usually, you’d have more time to put one together, but Billie is very high risk. If you don’t put one out now, she could die sooner rather than later. Every single cop that’s around this area is in one room, listening to your team give the profile. Each and every one of them are listening intently, taking down notes as you go along.

“Billie Copeland has been missing for twenty-two hours. It is vital that we locate her in the first twenty-four,” Gideon starts off.

“The unknown subject, or unsub, in this case is most likely a resident of one of the subdivisions around the park. We have cancelled the amber alert. We need to coordinate with all your officers to pull everyone off the street immediately,” Hotch explains.

“That’s fucking crazy,” a random officer scoffs.

“Just hear us out—”

“But it goes against court procedure. You guys wrote the damn thing.”

“Actually, Carp is just a guideline for immediate response to child abduction. Believe it or not, we're already late in the game, and we do know enough about this unsub to know that if he feels like we're closing in on him at all, he will kill Billie to avoid detection. If anything, we need to lessen the pressure on him,” Spencer spits out.

“This man fits in because nobody knows what he is. Can we really know our neighbors? He walks his dog and does yard work. Solitary activities appeal to him. However, if you watch closely, you'll see he pays a little too much attention to the neighborhood kids. Largely goes unnoticed because he isn't perceived as a threat. He’s a white male in his late twenties to thirties. He has a menial or temporary job and is socially marginalized and frustrated. He relates better to kids than he does to adults. It’s not his first offense to children, but it is his first abduction,” you explain.

“How do you know that?” Detective Russet asks.

“First-timers hunt closer to home. Experienced predators don't.”

“He's had a recent stressor—a job loss or other setback. Unable to maintain a normal relationship, he'll have extensive pornographic materials in his home and on his computer. And while they won't all involve children, some of them definitely will,” Hotch takes over.

“Since he used the missing dog ruse, and we believe him to be a regular fixture of the neighborhood, it's quite possible that he truly does own—or did at one point—own a dog named Candy. We recommend cross-checking veterinary records with residents in the neighborhood,” Spencer says.

“He will not inject himself into this investigation.”

“Don't these guys like to know what the cops know?” the detective says.

“No, not this type of unsub. He's hiding. He doesn't know what anyone saw. He doesn't know if there's any information about him out there. He's unlikely to walk in and ask us, ‘can I help you?’. But I can guarantee you he will be watching the news. So, how we handle them is very important,” Gideon stresses.

“Check your canvass records. One of you may have had contact with him in the early stages.”

“What about registered sex offenders?”

“We've got somebody working on that right now.”

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, everyone clear on that? Good luck. Thank you,” Gideon closes this meeting out.

Derek immediately leaves off to the side to call Penelope to have her work her magic touch on the already growing pile of suspects. You’re scheduled to go back to Mrs. Copeland’s house with Elle just to make sure she and her ex-husband are doing alright. Before you do that, however, you walk over to Spencer who is kind of all by his lonesome.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” you ask.

“Could be better. What about you?”

“Same. This is just going to be another nightmare to add to my list,” you sigh sadly.

“Do you dream of children often?”

“It’s a lot less than what you’d think it’d be. I swear this job never gets easier. When I agreed to take this job when Gideon offered it, I was ecstatic. I thought I’d really make a difference.”

“But you are—”

“No, I’m not,” you cut him off. “All I get are some victims that are saved, and a shit ton of nightmares to follow it. The payoff is actually worse if I think about it. Just as I’m about to collapse from extreme depression, I think of this team. I think of you and Penelope and JJ and Derek. I think of kids like Billie. I think of everything good that comes out of these cases. While there isn’t much, I try to hold onto the good as tightly as I can in hopes some of it will rub off on me, you know?”

“Try going through life with an eidetic memory.”

“Bless your heart, Dr. Spencer Reid. Seriously. You’re doing a great job if it means anything.”

“It does. Thank you,” he smiles shyly but brightly.

“Y/N, come on!” Elle calls for you.

“Duty calls. Save that smile for me when I get back, yeah?” you flirt.

You’re already gone before Spencer can come up with anything clever to say. All he’s getting are flushed cheeks and a fuzzy brain. You actually make him forget what he’s about to do… and that’s saying something.

wanna be tagged? add yourself to this document! if your tag doesn’t work, find out why!

@averyhotchner​ @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel​ @fan-girl-97​ @paulaern​ @inkstainedwritergirl​ @estrela-rogers​ @abitchforjay​ @kwbaby24​ @redsalv20​ @joonie-centric​ @spencerreid-mgg​ @sixpencespencee​ @boygenius-reid​ @reidemandweep​ @prophecyflame​ @happynekochan1​

[it-fits-i-ships]

Combing through every single episode of Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous for Yasammy moments to write meta analysis about part 2 (parts 1, 3, and 4)

After Yaz breaks her ankle we have this moment of Sammy expressing her gratitude and admiration, Sammy wants to let Yaz know she sees how strong, brave, and deeply caring Yaz is but, as Brooklyn points out, Yaz isn’t in a place to hear her and needs time and space to process her feelings about Sammy’s secret double life as a spy, she goes into self-defense mode and pushes Sammy away again Just as a side note, I find it really interesting how Brooklyn reaches out to Sammy to give her advice about Yaz, Brooklyn is the one who caught Sammy spying and it’s Brooklyn’s phone that Sammy stole and accidentally broke so I think it’s very cool of Brooklyn to step in because she can see that Sammy is hurting over her fallout with Yaz and is in desperate need of a supportive friend Sammy definitely backs off trying to talk to Yaz but continues to show her care and concern in little ways like asking the group if there is another way to get to the dock besides going on foot so Yaz doesn’t hurt herself more, on the monorail when Ben gets carried off by Pteranodons and they assume that he’s dead it hits all of them really hard, Sammy starts to panic and Yaz forgets for a moment that she’s supposed to be mad and instinctively comforts her before remembering all of their circumstances, Sammy can’t help herself when she sees Yaz fall as they’re running for the dock after the group has to abandon the monorail and rushes over to check on her, Yaz is clearly still angry and refuses Sammy’s help, but by the time they actually reach the dock we can see that Yaz has realized she really does need Sammy’s help and support (both physically and for emotionally) and that there are worse things that could happen than Sammy telling some lies for her family’s sake, at this point we can see that Yaz has decided to work on forgiving Sammy and trusting her again because she initiates contact with her by casually placing her elbow on Sammy’s shoulder at the dock This trend of re-establishing their bond continues as the show enters season 2, in which the group is still stuck on the island and has to find the emergency beacon, we can see Yaz and Sammy huddling together for comfort and to keep each other safe when they have to hide behind a fallen tree from some dinosaurs, we also see Yaz lean on Sammy and give a relieved sigh once Darius gives the all-clear and she stays there for a while, when Yaz accidentally brings up Ben we can see that she’s still processing how much his apparent death has affected her and the rest of the group, Yaz is now clinging to Sammy not because she is afraid Sammy will stop liking her or talking to her like she was in season 1 but because she needs the positivity, support, and encouragement that Sammy brings to her life in order to help her through all of the emotional turmoil that being on the island is putting her through Also, Sammy helping Yaz up, helping her walk, and otherwise supporting her in any way she can is just so sweet, I know Sammy is a very positive and helpful person and she does what she can for everyone in the group but she has always gone above and beyond when it comes to Yaz, she even convinces Yaz to stay at camp and rest while she, Brooklyn, and Darius go look for supplies (with such a gentle tone and soft expression that Yaz has no choice but to embrace the love and care that Sammy is putting out there), Yaz clearly wants Sammy to stay with her but I think Sammy realizes that it’s not good for Yaz to only depend on her so she gives Yaz a warm smile before she goes but she still leaves with the others so Yaz can grow and Sammy can contribute to the whole group, this sets up the beginnings of a much healthier dynamic between Yaz and Sammy in which they can have their own lives and friendships outside of each other Yaz has clearly forgiven Sammy at this point as we don’t see any kind of bitterness in their interactions at all and after the group makes their tree fort and they have some time to rest and relax away from the pressures of constantly running from dinosaurs I think Yaz really starts to

process her deeper feelings for Sammy, she wants to spend more time with Sammy and get even closer, we can see how eager she is to join Brooklyn and Sammy on their venture out into the jungle to locate the weird frozen flower patch that Brooklyn stumbled upon a while back, Yaz definitely strikes me as the type of person who has never been in love before so with everything else going on (and with her mind full of much stronger fears of losing the others in the group, especially Sammy, which I will talk about more later in this post series) her feelings are bound to manifest strongly We can see that Yaz is now actively playing that question game with Sammy, getting to know her better, and exchanging witty banter back and forth, obviously Yaz cares about all of the people in the group on some level or she wouldn’t have been so upset when they thought Ben died but notice how she is much more interested in talking to and learning about Sammy than she is in talking to and learning about Brooklyn, however she does try her best to loop Brooklyn into the conversation once Sammy cues her to Can we just take a second to appreciate the silent conversations that Yaz and Sammy have? I’m a sucker for some good non-verbal communication because it means that the characters are very close and feel connected with each other, there’s also the fact that since Yaz wants to be around her again Sammy spends so much time making physical contact with her, touch is clearly one of Sammy’s main love languages Yaz goes to help Sammy when the gun case falls on her only to be stopped by Tiff (who tries to prevent Yaz from running away to get help) and Sammy tackles Tiff to the ground to get her to let go of Yaz, honestly I know that Sammy realizes that Yaz getting free is their best chance of getting the help they need but I think it’s really telling that she went so hard, Yaz is clearly her favorite person on the island and Sammy isn’t about to let Tiff hurt her, I also find it really telling that when Yaz sees Sammy and Darius on the security camera monitors she looks relieved and excited and then we get a set of shots that imply she’s looking just at Sammy, this is followed by such a soft, warm, loving expression from Yaz that it melts my gay heart, and of course she’s incredibly concerned when she sees Tiff and Mitch approaching During their organized stampede, Yaz has to abandon the Jeep and, without hesitation, she leaps from the car into Sammy’s waiting arms, this is a mark of a great amount of character growth for Yaz because she not only trusts Sammy now but literally trusts her with her life, we also get an adorable moment when they are dismounting in which Sammy helps Yaz get down and holds both of her hands, when they all go in for a group hug we see Yaz place her hand on Sammy’s waist (as I mentioned in part 1 of this post series, that seems like an unusually place to put your hand on a friend and neither Sammy nor Yaz do that with anyone else in the group), when Sammy is listing her favorite people in the group as she and Kenji are hanging out in their gondola she mentions Yaz first while in Yaz's own gondola she is visibly longing to be over with Sammy (especially seeing how much fun Sammy and Kenji are having pushing on the sides of the gondola) instead of having to face Brooklyn and the fact that they are not close at all, just like when Sammy left Yaz with Kenji this feels almost like a deliberate move on Sammy’s part to get Yaz out of her comfort zone and forming closer bonds with the others (though I think it’s also an excuse for Sammy to spend some quality time with Kenji who definitely seems like he’s become a brother figure) We also get this moment a jealousy in which Yaz seems a little salty that Sammy is hanging out with Kenji (though on the surface it is about how they are messing around instead of helping, Yaz’s comment is definitely tinged with jealousy), this feels very much like the reaction of someone who has romantic feelings but doesn’t have the experience to properly interpret them and who has not been able to

talk about them or put a name to them, she clearly wants a closer relationship with Sammy but Yaz is unable to thoroughly define the relationship she wants which leaves her feeling like her needs aren’t being met in situations like this, in that sense she has fallen into a bit more of an insecure attachment again, she feels threatened by Sammy’s other friendships because she and Sammy haven’t differentiated their relationship from that of the friendships they have with the others I would just like to point out the lingering hug they share in which Yaz is clearly nuzzling Sammy’s neck and the fact that Yaz goes over to stand next to Sammy when she moves to hug Brooklyn, there’s no heterosexual explanation for that, or the way Yaz holds and comforts Sammy after pulling away from that dinosaur (if you look closely you can see Yaz rubbing Sammy’s arm with her thumb) And the scene where Yaz explains that Bumpy likes her so much because she keeps snacks in her pockets and then shares some of the snacks so Sammy can feed her too? Absolutely precious, we love to see Yaz being so soft with Sammy, like the way she calls out to her when part of the group goes to search Kenji’s dad’s penthouse for gas to put in the boat, or the way Yaz checks on Sammy while Ben’s siphoning gas from the limos in the penthouse’s garage, it’s clear here that Yaz also wants Sammy to be able to rely on her sometimes, to confide in her, Yaz doesn’t have time to respond in that moment because of yet another dinosaur attack (I also think that she was having a hard time responding because on some level Yaz is also afraid to go home) but the fact that she asked in the first place shows a lot of character and relationship growth, she even goes to check on Sammy later once they’re back on the boat, Sammy does the talking then and uses Yaz more as a sounding board but the gentle smile Yaz gives when Sammy walks away with the solution to her problem is absolutely priceless

[sapphire-innit]

DRISTAAAAA TIMEEE

VOD: TommyInnit Speaks To Dream’s Sister AGAIN

(rp): Drista!! I love this chaotic child and am looking forward to seeing the children bully each other lmao. I especially love the mythos around Creative mode, and that the most benevolent god on the Dream SMP is just as likely to ban you as hand you a shulker box lol.

I do wonder how in character cc!Tommy is going to be able to stay during this stream: on one hand he’s a master at staying in character even during lh moments, and on the other Exile arc is some Dark Shit and Dristas like what, 14?? Overall I expect this to be one of the lighter streams, with a smattering of moments where we remember that, oh right, Tommy’s pretty actively suicidal at this point and he sees this as one of his last hurrahs.

Speaking of our boy Tommy: it's very clear we are getting closer and closer to the infamous pillar. He switches rapidly between Fight and Fawn reflexes and has mostly internalized Dream’s treatment and conditions at this point. The one stand out moment being him calling out Dream killing Mexican Dream last stream, and pointing out he was changing his story even when Dream tried to lie and say he died of “a drug overdose [...] or natural causes”. I’m curious if Tommy is going to bring it up again, and even more curious if he eventually believes Dream about it; something to watch out for, for sure. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this moment of rebellion happened right after he had someone both stand up for him and spend time with him that wasn’t actively hostile or going to end (supposedly, at least by intention)

Hey we didn’t start off drowning for once!! cc!Tommy was also singing, though that could have been mostly out of character as well. Still, remarkably in a better mood, he even mentions having an appetite! You love to see it, and it's clearly because he’s looking forward to Drista’s visit

He’s building a log tower and on one hand, Tommy building Towers is a natural state of being, and on the other…. I know the pillar is coming and I am scared

A mention of the Anti-Dream hole… I still worry about when exactly and how Dream is going to find it. Still, I’m glad it exists, both for Tommy having a space for things important to him, as well as what it represents about his mental state re:not giving over completely to Dream

DRISTA!!!! LOL she was already online we didn't even see her join LOL. CHAOS GREMLIN she just flew over in creative mode and started wrecking shit, as is her right lmaoooo

“You massive jer--, (quieter) whats a nicer way…, YOU MASSIVE DICKHEAD” oh, Tommy..

I like how he tries to punch her even when shes CLEARLY IN CREATIVE MODE ADSADASD

The violence inherent in fourteen year olds,,,, adsfsadfsdfds

I hate this conversation why is this the conversation asdffdsfsd TEENAGERS

DREAM YOUR NOT EVEN A TEENAGER WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING THE SAME LOGIC

Well SHE can destroy the obsidian asdfsdfds She just Spleefs

“What would Dream do” Probably worse lets be honest

Is he actually gonna go back to L’manburg?? I don’t believe it but I also want :(

Again with the stabbing

AND DOWN HE GOEEEESSSS

“I have the fork, but I'm also killing you” afsafsdfdsf Tommy why are you wearing your good shit omg

Lol cc!Dream trying to defend his character for mocking Tommy’s accent adsfsdfds “I would NEVER” in the totally not believable tone lmaoooo

DID SHE REALLY GO AT HIM WITH A FORK I'M FUCKING DYING DSAFDADSFDS

“I will take it from you and I’ll kill him”... I have so many thoughts about how this works in lore. Is Drista possessing Dream? He can kick her out clearly, but she still has God Powers…

Lol and now SHES mocking his accent lmaoooo (... is it bad she sounded pretty close to me? lol)

Adsfdsfswd casual chaos Drista just broke the Nether Portal

Asking Drista to stop destroying things is a big ask to be honest lmaoo. Also she seems to be at least somewhat informed that ‘Dream is not supposed to be nice to Tommy’ or at least seemed hesitant to do /weather clear

GOD THE LAVA BUCKETS AND THE POTION OF HARMING adsfsdfsdf

“Tommy [beheaded him] actually… and killed Mexican Dream” Dream you motherfucker

“How to Sex 3” THE PANIK!!!!!! From Both cc!Dream and Tommy!!! This server is Not Child Friendly lol (Doesn’t…. That not even include sex things…. afasfsd)

Honestly I can’t stop smiling this is so wholesome somehow even with all the cursing and violence

Pigstep IS a bop, Tommy is right

“Just let him, just let him this one time” :(

“Tommy I still have the Fork” Drista totally willing to stab her brother to visit L’manburg

HE TOOK THE FORK ASDASDAS

Yes, closing your eyes will totally protect you from Forks lol

“I don’t need school, I dropped out” Is this Lore Crumbs, is this Lore

HEYYYY ITS THE BEDROCK, the one piece of bedrock he has lol, I think he still has that in current day right?

Drista is writing her name in BEDROCK adsfsdfds “I’m not going to be able to get rid of that actually” “That's the Point”

LOL SHe also recognized the burrito as from Mos lmaooo

Somehow “I really want to go to the other place.. I don’t know why he won’t let you” hit hard… it was def ooc, and she doesn’t have the full context, but still… its just someone else wanting and asking for Tommy to be able see L’manburg…

Afsdfsd the Small Gasp when she spleefs herself omgg

HES THERE!!! HES THERE!!!!!! L’MANBURG!!!!!!

Punz!!! WHY!!!! Were you there bc Drista might let Tommy through, was this a safeguard for the LORE. Also he’s currently working for Dream directly right, as a merc?

Drista trying to save Tommy!!!! Punz why are you winning a fight with someone in creative adfsadfsd He’s too good lol

They have negotiated a visit… I’m so emotional I wasn’t expecting this…. No one told me we got a real L’manburg visit !

BIG Q SHES FOURTEEN!!! Omg they didn’t tell him it was Drista. BIG Q!!! BIG Q DON’T SELL HER DRUGS

“He was Naked” good for you Drista, good for you. There’s something so hilarious about Drista just stabbing Quackity over and over again cause she’s uncomfortable lol (as is her right)

LOL THE FINAL KILL WITH MAGIC WHEN HE’S ALREADY DROWNING IM

Wha --- what video was it????? What is this Tommy picture on the Technoganda???

….”are you sure I’m allowed here” Dream’s conditioning is strong :(

“At many minute I could get mugged” To be Fair Tommy, that was true before

Did Tommy just suggest spawning in a Wither asdfsdfds

DRISTA DOG ARMY!!!! Aww and Tommy has one too~

THE BENCH!! THE HOUSE!!! Aaaaaaaaa He’s sitting on the bench nature is HEALING

AAAAAAAA A BLAZE!!!! Pfffft

…. Who destroyed the front of Tommys house?

,,,,Drista what are you doing with that soULSAND

“OK we'll turn on him” adsfsdfsd

OH HEY TECHNO!!! Lol “Oh god he meant me” fucking mood big man

……. Tubbo hallucination……… fuck

LOL HE COMBAT LOGGED “YOU CALL THAT COMBAT” I'M

To be fair, logging against a /kill is probably the only way to get away lmao

…...F

“Getting thrown off a cliff is literally how Theseus died!!” lol its also hilarious to me that Tommy def does not remember being called that. Personally I don't think it fits him super well anyway, but I do like it as something Techno calls Tommy, that shows how much he misjudges Tommy's character and intentions. No heroes here, just a kid trying to do good by their friends and what they care about

Techno actually looking up how to kill someone in creative mode

…. :( I just want my actual clingyduo content this is meeeeannn

OH HEY TECHNO …. You fucker he would and it would be HILARIOUS (get mad if Drista opped Techno that is lol)

….

….

IS THIS WHY THEY’RE BEDROCK BROS????? BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE DRISTA BEDROCK??????????????????????????

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS ???

LOL TRUE DUO SUPREMACY TUBBO’S GOT TECHNO'S BEDROCK

Oh F Techno got him with the Obliterator lmaoooo

“I have 114 levels PLEASE” asdfdasfsdf

LOL Tubbo with the TNT there's our nuke boy, I'll take my crumbs where I can get them

THE SHULKER HOLY SHIT

“Don't let someone get it!!”” ADSFDSAFSDFDS they all tuRN CC REAL QUICK WHEN THE SHULKER BOXES COME OUT

Awesamdudes like: MORE PLEASE AFDASFDSF

Techno immediately snitching about Elytra and dRISTA GETTING THE ACHIEVEMENT

EVERYONE SNITCHING IN CHAT I'M!!!! DREAMS REACTION ASDFSDFDSF

Drista being the chaotic giver of illegal gifts is so fucking good I'M THRIVING

THE RUN ON PUNZ !!!! omg

Also can we just take a minute to appreciate Tommy being allowed around people <3 <3 This is so wholesome and good and chaotic as all hell

“I thought I was Tom Cruz for like a whole week” ...TOMMY??

LOL SHE BANNED TECHNO OMG

Dristas on a banning Rampage afsdfsdf

BAN GOGGY OMGGG

Omg shes actually making a wITHER DASDASDFAS

Oh no poor Tubbo I didn’t know he was liVE

319k viewers jeezus

Awwwww Techno hyping up Wilbur's song :) that's so sweet actually

…………….Fuck you Dream :( saw the chance to Twist the Knife in c! And TOOK IT

LOL THE FUCKING FORK IS THE BEST BIT LOLLLL

Lol ironically the Bedrock bros song is the oNE COPYRIGHTED ONE, god why did Minecraft ever copyright Pigstep what a shit move honestlyyy

Pigstep fucking goING TO TECHNO LOLLLLLL “this is the most powerful item on the server since it DMCA’s people”

LOL PUNZ TRYING TO STEAL ANOTHER SHULKER

Poor Sam he actually has to BUILD give this man a SHULKER

Lol Everyone wants a shulker so much

….aww he tried to toss the pigstep disc lmaooo DRISTAS LITERALLY HOLDING IT Scaaaaaammmmed

Drista “I NEED IT ON HAND” So committed to violence !!!

The fucking creepers on the way out omg fuckign PERFECT

LOL TOMMY WASN’T READY FOR THE TURN AROUND ON CURSING LMAO You can tell he's always been the youngest who people aren't sure how much they can curse around lmao He's so soft honestly he talks such a big game and then CRUMBLES when called on it lol

Asfdsfs she fell through the same hole again afsdfsdfsd

Drista has been introduced to a Weapon and she’s gotten ATTACHED lmaooo

Wait HOLD THE PHONE Dream has multiple sisters??? Lol

“Yeah I like Shit” Dream: “whAT???”

Bye Drista it’s been nice!!! I hope she had a good time, she seems like a good kid (who is definitely not a content creator lol though she keeps up admirably)

Drista’s one of the few people who can make Tommy speechless lmaooo he looks actually shocked lol

Also first mention of GhostInnit…. cc!Tommy…..

Keep preparing…. Was his original plan to rush Dream even if (maybe especially if…) he died? Fuck man

Also holy shit was this stream right before Quackitys? ? amazing

This was honestly such a BLAST and a really good time, and I can see why its viewed as one of the few breaks we get during Exile :) I feel so refreshed and it was so so nice to have Tommy hanging out in L’manburg having fun with his friends (even if Tubbo was stuck being a Hallucination and Also Banned lol) No deeper insight, I just haven’t stopped smiling for an hour and a half <3